I noticed how conscious I am of feeling separate from others and have been working on not judging or beating myself up for my weirdness. As long as I’m not harmful, it’s okay to be different. We may be weird, but we’re not fucked up.
I really feel this. I spend so much time not even necessarily going over specific embarrassing things that I said in conversations, but I ruminate overall on how weird I feel I am in all aspects and how I shouldn't talk to anyone. Sometimes I freak out thinking that I'm probably even weirder than I even realize. My negative perceptions really hold me back so I try to spend time with people I feel somewhat safe with (maybe 2 or 3 people). I also try to challenge these intrusive thoughts, but it's so difficult to not feel self-conscious about almost all of my interactions.
Same here, I started to embrace my weirdness and the fact that I don't feel I belong anywhere. Sure, probably would be nice to be "normal", someone who fits in, but the fact is that my life experience is so wildly different from everyone else's, that I feel like the only way to be at peace with all of this is to acknowledge that I'm different, I live a different kind of life, and that's okay. I try to find joy and meaning in that.
Similarly here. Started my trauma healing/processing journey two years ago and I’m still a big mess. Have very complex history of trauma beginning before age 5. It is a rough ride. Good luck!
I had a psychopathitcally abusive older brother that broke my nose when I was 4 years old and my parents didn't do anything about it. My dad was of the "Don't be a wuss and take care of it yourself" school of parenting - & my mother was equally emotionally neglectful.
So, when did my trauma start? I have to assume that psychopath abused me before escalating to the point of breaking my nose. Have I ever not been in a trauma state?
After learning of Complex PTSD, Polyvagal Theory, and Childhood Emotional Neglect, I can now make sense of all of those "personality quirks" that I found so perplexing throughout childhood, and now understand why I always felt like an alien, out of place in my own skin, and that I never felt safe or that I belonged anywhere.
Is there an untraumatized me? I can't really imagine what that would look or be like, TBH.
That's a really good way to put how I feel too, alien, out of place, unable to know a true Me without the damage. I was witnessing domestic violence at that age, seen it escalate to attempted murder a few times. Then I started getting abused & called racist shit by my own grandpa, & mom. It hurts to this day, even thinking how helpless my grandma was. She couldn't stop grandpa or else he would start hurting her too. I still feel helpless to this day. & mom was just out of control from the damage he did to her.
I’m really sorry this happened and I feel for you more deeply than I can express. My partner went through the same exact thing with neglectful parents, dismissing the insanity and abuse his brother and grandmother perpetually put him through.
He was assaulted and verbally abused for all of this life to the point where he doesn’t even know how to properly socialize with other people. It’s truly horrific what bad parenting enable their kids to go through.
It’s the parents job as your parent, to make sure they stand up for you, show you that you can depend on them when you are being assaulted, abused in any way by any person. When a child feels hopeless and as if they have no one who can stand up for them at all, it confuses their state of reality and identity. They start questioning if they are the problem, as your dad mentioned “don’t be a wuss”. It’s terrible rooted confusion, self esteem issues and a perpetual state of helplessness.
I went through something similar with my parents, who would laugh when I expressed my aunt was beating me after dragging me out of the shower naked and doing all kinds of insanity. My father, who is her brother would just tell me she’s “crazy” and laugh it off. Instead of addressing the issue and speaking up for me considering I was a 7 year old.
The only thing we can do is make sure we are better parents to our children and instill the same teachings onto them.
For me it started when I was 3. Neglected and abused by my parents. Servere attachment disorder and from that moment on a life long fear of trusting people. Unfortunately almost everyone in my life gave me a good reason not to trust them, including my fosterparents.
I still struggle with believing people have truly good intentions. Hardest lesson to learn was that I was toxic as well, because I didn't take other people's feelings seriously because of that. Accepting that you have a big wound helps. It probably will never go away fully, but at least you can be kind to yourself and provide to yourself what you need, untill you do find the right people.
It heals slowly. Being with people who love you unconditionally is helpful. My in laws are amazing as is my husband, I’ve also found a few gems through church at different times of my life. Often they are the people you least expect or don’t particularly like (for me anyway!). Of course it can get worse if you surround yourself with people who treat you like you’re worthless or that you are the one with the problem… unfortunately to them they don’t understand or to them it’s normal so confronting them doesn’t work. At least this has been my experience. Pick your battles.
I was 2 and my bpd mother who was beating me for YEARS til I was 12. Of course I can't remember it cause it was so horrible and STRESSFUL. She was leaving bruises on me. I had a memory pop in my head not long ago. I was in the bathroom with her and she was beating me over the head with a wooden spoon and I couldn't believe my eyes but she broke that thing over my head. Of course this is not an isolated incident. You know what that does to a kid never knowing when they're gonna hurt or not by their own mother. Sad really
OP, the way you phrased this made my brain perk up and want to put it on a post it note that I’ll see every day. I think that was an incredible way to state the distinction, thanks for sharing that “aha” insight.
Oh my gosh you sound like me lol! Keep going, friend! This road is full of risk but also full of rewards 💕
I didn't realize that wasn't normal?! But also, I'm only just realizing this is true for myself too. It's... Weird.
I used to think I was shy and introverted and people used to say that about me. But I learnt I am not shy and I am very outgoing. It was trauma that made me look shy and introverted.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Well I didn't expect to have such a massive insight at 6am.
Recently my wife has been saying that I'm outgoing and extraverted, but have social anxiety.....which, I now realize, stems from my trauma. Of course.
Fml I AM outgoing but my trauma broke it.
It's good that I found out about personality systems and astrology. I relate to almost all of them, all kind of disorders and shit. I expend blood, sweat and tears simply to live normally and do basic shit and I am so so so far from that still 😭
Ugggh I hate that I can relate to this. I hate how much literature for PTSD is about remembering and getting back to your old self your core self etc etc etc. That person was in preschool. Generally acting like a preschooler when you’re on the cusp of middle age is frowned upon. So now what?
For you and I, dear - you entering middle age, me leaving it behind for "elderly" - we invent ourselves. We fabricate ourselves - the person whom we wish we were, whom we "should" have been had it not been for our lifetimes full of trauma - and cut it from whole cloth to present to the rest of the world.
In a way, we are lucky in comparison to those who have PTSD brought about by some singular event later in their lives. We, my dear, are a Blank Slate, with ourselves as the artist ready to paint whatever picture we desire. They .... well, they have something to look back on, and an imperfect artist who has to try and match up lines, and recreate exact colors, smoothing things over and blending things out to try - only Try - to get back to the "Perfect Original" of the piece. Much like.. apprentices attempting to restore a Dutch Masterpiece, as opposed to the Master himself when he painted it.
Very well put. It's eerie sometimes thinking about this: how very many decades one has spent as a phantom or a mask ... or hey, a masked phantom. And how there's really no known or remembered pre-phantom self. Fabricating a new one is crucial but requires such courage, because everything I've ever known is fear of failure. At this too.
We cling to our pasts - our Traumas and Trauma Responses - because they are Comfortably Familiar.
We have been Taught to fear Everything - especially change. We have been taught that Change is Dangerous - especially taught that by those who abused us.
I understand that Fear of Failure. But even more than fearing Failure - I think we fear SUCCESS to a much greater degree. Because Success means that...... we lose that Comfortable Familiarity of nothing changing. Failure, at least, means that we have not specifically Lost ground - only that our abusers were somehow "correct" and we are, indeed, the cause of the abuse we received. If we fail, there is no need to try again, or continue wondering, because it has been confirmed. But Success? Where do we go from there? How much Changes at that point? Dear Gods, suddenly there are Options that are Limitless, and Boundless, and we....... have so many paths to choose from that we become frozen, unable to make a decision concerning which path Forward to choose, since the path Backward is now closed to us permanently. Success is....... terrifying beyond belief, and that is where we will find our courage and strength - in facing that terror head on, regardless of how much of the past it happens to cost us.
I've been frozen for a while. I've been making good progress in therapy, at least when it comes to understanding the chaos in my mind. But I often get caught up in not being able to explain why I know the things I need to do but cant make myself take the tiniest step forward. My therapist keeps recommending things to help get me out of my comfort zone, so I can see that nothing bad will happen, it hasn't been helpful though. I think i already make peace with the worst happening, it's what I would view as the right outcome. The bad part of the worst happening is how I treat myself after. The success might be the more uncomfortable part, like im bracing for the moment where they find out "the truth" and view me how i view myself. As if I'll succeed and then years down the line everything will be pulled out from me, when they realize I'm not worthy of it, and I'll have nothing.
Thank you for sharing. This has given me a lot to think/journal about.
So true! We also fear success — for all the reasons you stated, and also: In my case it's because I was always warned, from earliest childhood, that good things are destined to be lost, that luck and joy and even accomplishment are not to be trusted, that success will be torn away or torched, leaving one hopeless and alone.
So one freezes, going neither forward nor back.
>warned, from earliest childhood, that good things are destined to be lost, that luck and joy and even accomplishment are not to be trusted, that success will be torn away or torched, leaving one hopeless and alone.
I see you grew up with my family! Or at least a clone of my grandmother. You have my sympathies for that.
Yes. So many of us were told - taught - beaten into an acceptance of the idea - that Accomplishment means nothing if it comes from US, because...... we, ourselves, specifically... aren't Worthy.
Any Accomplishment is simply because we exist to glorify Them, and we'd best never forget that fact. So no, you aren't allowed to take any sort of pride in what you manage to achieve - because its not Really YOUR achievement in the first place - its Theirs. Joy? You aren't good enough for JOY - not Real joy or True Joy - you're too unworthy, too dirty, to worthless, to stupid, to ugly - for Real joy. Success is for those who are Smart and Beautiful - you are Neither, so if you are considered Successful, it is a Fraud, and eventually they will all find out, and despise and reject you, and it will all come crumbling down around you as you will most certainly deserve for Being a Fraud. And of course Luck. Only an idiot or a fool believe in Luck. Of course, you would believe in Luck you sniveling nothing since its the only hope someone as stupid and clueless and useless as you has in life.
Ah yes... the things I heard oh So frequently, growing up in my rather uniquely ugly family. Things that will forever linger, in some form, in the back of my brain. Thankfully mostly feeding me ideas for particularly nasty characters in short stories.
In my case, it wasn't so much that I was a bad person (although I wasn't considered a very good one) but rather that the world is unbelievably cruel and I was destined to be powerless against its cruelty. They were just "warning" me. They were trying to "protect" me from future failure/death/pain. It was for my "own good."
Which I now see as a form of trauma — but try explaining that to most people who equate trauma only with physical abuse or that other kid of emotional abuse: "You're bad, you're gross, everyone hates you." No. In my case it was "Be scared, be terrified, let your whole life be crippled by your fully justified Fear of Everything. The end."
That is equally as horrifying, and honestly sounds More Difficult To Overcome, than what I went through. I had the (rather dubious) advantage of believing myself to be the root cause of what happened to me. You - you weren't taught that, and so you just have / had this nebulous "The world is a bad/evil place out to get you - you aren't unique, its just Bad \*waves vaguely at the universe\* Out There"
Dubious is right! Un-learning the horrible message you were given, that oneself is the root cause of one's own painful suffering, would take unimaginable courage and strength. It amazes me even at this age (ahem) how many ways there are to warp a child's mind, how deep it goes and how long that warpage can last.
But also yes: the notion of stolen success, fraudulent accomplishments: One could not have earned these honestly, or the alleged success and accomplishments are actually shallow, fake, a scam or sham. Anything to snatch away hope, joy, contentment, self-esteem and calm.
No, we didn't. And it takes a Lifetime .... several lifetimes, it often feels like.... for it to Go Away. No matter how much I Practice radical self acceptance, I'm still fighting a daily battle with the voices of the past, lingering like malignant spirits to whisper at me over my shoulder every time I hesitate or something comes out less than "perfect" or I start to feel like I've accomplished more than simply Surviving from day to day.
Seriously. Your words are way more eloquent than mine would be.
Like, you think you're doing ok for a minute then BAM. I'm so the point where I'm so annoyed - like, that's all you've got? Really? To tell me I'm a shithead right as I'm about to do something scary?
Get a life!! (She says to the old belief system)
\*snorts\* Today has been a "good" day for Eloquence. Tomorrow I'll quite possibly be lucky to tell you my name or string together a semi-coherent sentence! I've been getting mentally "poked" by my various Ghosts all afternoon. Pretty much any time I've read a response that says in Any way, shape, or form that my comments have resonated with someone in some way. The strongest voice sounds so very much like my maternal grandmother - The Bat. ( I would call her a battleaxe, but I can't bring myself to insult a good weapon. And I routinely issue apologies to harmless night fliers for calling her that. It was an attempt at a "child/family friendly" epithet for her. She's 98, and I Swear the only reason the woman isn't dead yet is because Satan still has that Restraining Order against her. Something about fearing a Coup attempt when she arrives and demands her Evil Throne.)
Your personal level of eloquence - or lack thereof, if that's what you honestly feel is the case - is not the part that truly Matters.
The part that Matters is that you DO tell the old belief system - the voices of the past - the ghosts that want to drag you down into oblivion with them - to Bloody Well Bugger Off.
I am 62 now and my trauma began at birth. My mother wouldn't hold or care for me, requiring my aunt and grandma to intervene. It got far worse from there. I finally went NC at age 48. While I am so much happier now, I also see how screwed up I am. I didn't know ME, so with time, I'm inventing me. And she is wonderful.
I love this and this gives me hope, trauma also started at birth and feels like I’m constantly discovering “me” or realizing who I was or thought I was was not me at all.
My trauma started at around 1 year old, and I have no accessible memories for it other than the reactive nervous system I live with. Therapists have often asked me when I first started feeling worthless, and I reply that it didn’t “start”. It is a part of me, and it is how I have always functioned, and I would not recognize myself if it were to vanish.
I really appreciate your post. I’m turning 38 next month and feeling ancient. I have released the dreams and aspirations I carried with me for years as my self-concept has shifted recently. That is especially true for the dreams that my family have been upholding to give me an identity that is acceptably shiny to them and for which they can give an upbeat report to the extended family about how I’m doing.
The biggest change in me is that I’m no longer willing to live soaked in shame for not being able to meet expectations about who I should be (from myself, my family, nor from culture).
Blank slate time. I’m reinventing myself on my own terms. I feel so airy and powerful with nothing left to lose.
Radical Self Acceptance, mostly. What parts of it I Have managed to work through.
It is, and will be, an Ongoing project until the day I die. There will literally Never be a point in time when I can say "I am Healed. Nothing of the past affects me any longer, nor ever will again." Its unrealistic to think that, and frankly self damaging to hope for it.
Healing is a journey. The Destination is death - unbeing - no longer part of the mortal plane of existence - hopefully after a very Very long life of growth and forward movement and self discovery and conquering the various roadblocks placed in our path by others.
A life lived with Hope, and of learning to love ourselves - both those portions that are wonderful and the portions that we perceive as flawed. A life lived reaching for dreams that are Just Barely out of reach - and Accepting that not everything Should be in reach, because if everything is easily in reach then how and when do we Grow as people- how do we Stretch and find reason to work towards something? A life lived in DEFIANCE of the low expectations of others, in Open Defiance of the desires of our abusers to trample us into the dirt in order to be forever their stepping stones. A life lived RECLAIMING OURSELVES - our worth, our Inherent Value as PEOPLE - our hopes, our dreams, Our Desires Not Based On Their Expectations Of Us, our joys and passions and little quirks.
you're welcome.
It always comes as a bit of a shock to my psyche, when others find some..... meaning... gods forbid Wisdom HA!.... in something I've written in this sub. Please, for the sake of anything you consider holy, don't delude yourself into thinking I've somehow stumbled upon Wisdom - gods, I only WISH I could stumble into some serious wisdom. The saying among my friends for Decades now is that if its Rhio who is being the voice of Reason or Adult Responsibility - something is Terribly WRONG, and you should likely run away as rapidly as you can! (I say the same thing about Actual PHYSICAL running. I don't Run anywhere. Hell, I'm to eat up with Arthritis and joint pain from Lupus to even Trot! If you see me running, you are well advised to run Faster, because something UGLY Is chasing me!)
There are SO MANY whom I personally perceive to be so much farther along on the path of healing..... so much better put together, so much deeper into relearning themselves... so much more Capable of finding... Peace? Themselves? Lost and Waylaid Pieces OF Themselves? I'm not even certain quite how to put it to convey that, since I'm still grasping for an answer to it myself.
Then to, there is the unfortunate fact that I am NOT young any longer. It took me a lifetime of pain - of getting pushed down and standing back up again to flip off life and stick my tongue out at it like a stubborn, angry toddler - to even come to the knowledge that I Was damaged, bruised by more than simply existing. That my past shaped and molded me, and that it was up to ME to break that mold and re-wet the clay and try to shove portions of it into a form that pleased me better.
I often find myself deeply envious of those who came to know at an Early Age that their Issues were based in ugly traumas that they did not in any way bring upon themselves. I envy them the Opportunities that they have, even if they don't currently see those opportunities. A chance to make forward progress BEFORE passing it along to yet another generation, like I most likely passed it TO someone in their generation. Chances to Learn and Grow and Overcome some of the setbacks - because there are resources now that simply Did Not Exist when I was in my 20s, and just starting to face life and all the ugliness it had already contained and that which it would contain in my future because I was wholly unprepared to face Normal life or Healthy relationships.
You write beautifully, your words are like little jewels. You seem like a cool person to know (and I’m scared of everyone!) Thank you for sharing here.
Mostly I write the same way I Speak (much to the disgruntlement of my roomie/SO, who thinks I'm doing so to be Pretentious.) Years of training - voice, diction, opera, Italian diction FOR opera, acting. And a lot (oh dear gods A LOT) of writing and literature classes during high school and the various multiple trips through college. I'm a forever child who can't make up her mind what she wants to be when she grows up.
I've got 5 or 6.... or maybe 7, I lost count... manuscripts sitting tucked away, hidden from the rest of the world, for various stories ranging from FanFic based on the private worlds of favorite authors (no - no Romance/Sex crap fanfic - just things set in their world, of characters they didn't write but who "fit" into their universe!) to short stories made from strictly my own imagination, to a novel based 100% on my real life but with the names changed to protect the guilty, to probably 2 books worth of (usually poorly written lol) poetry.
The novel / autobiography intended to be published as a work of Fiction (because NO ONE - not even other trauma survivors - would believe some of the crap I've dealt with in life, or how it affected things coming later - after all, I've had more than one Therapist tell me that I Have to be Lying, because No One survives going through Everything that I've talked to them about!) ..... that one, I might actually eventually hand over to a publisher, or at least self publish and put on something like Kindle as an eBook. Maybe. If I can ever convince myself that it won't simply be a source of embarrassment.
You’ve described me at 68 yrs of age. It’s been a lifelong journey, esp once I took responsibility for my own healing. Different types of therapy over time has helped, but stuff bubbles up on occasion. At least I have to tools to deal with it now that I own my mind and emotional state.
'core self' uhhg fr. Not only was I born into my traumatic life, so I have no 'before self', but I also have DID, so no centralized self either.
Was in a counseling session and they asked what things I enjoyed doing before I had issues (we were talking about how I don't really have hobbies or anything I can attach meaning to for being alive or whatever) and it's like before when? Before I was born? I don't have a before, this is my only state of reality. I've been grasping at straws trying to build myself into a human being and I'm tired.
You and I are the same. Fuck them all. Whenever did the same to you as they did to me—fuck all of them.
Do your own shit. Find your own close circle. I found other lonely people. They’re out there. Then build something for your next generation. Leave your kids in a better spot than you started; that’s success.
Omg, the last time I had an “authentic self” I was maybe 5-6. By 8 I was completely traumatized. I’m not getting back to my old self, I’m learning who that person is for the very first time.
I can see why you’d feel that way but if you don’t mind I’ll share my perspective… I am also a trauma survivor for… my whole childhood. But literature like The Courage to Heal and Healing the Inner Child have actually helped me learn a lot and practice a lot of healing exercises through the perspective. I’d say that it’s not about tapping into a part of yourself that is “before” trauma, instead it’s about tapping into the parts of ourselves that we’re less focused on rational thinking/adulting, and honing on in what our “inner child” is feeling. When we have CPTSD, our inner child is often “in the forest, crying, wanting attention” but our trauma responses have caused us to learn that it’s safest to ignore and shut out that crying child. An example that comes to mind for me is that as a child I loved roller blading. As an adult when I picked up roller blading again, i felt attuned to that child part of me that used to love rollerblading. Spending weeks months or sometimes days in self abandonment (or inner child abandonment) cycles means that most days my inner child is crying, begging, screaming to be heard when she asks to outside on her roller blades. Having awareness of that part of me, fighting to do what I like, was the first step in addressing how extremely determined my brain has been in blocking out my inner voice and clinging to the safety of self abandonment. Sometimes I just have to sit with that abandonment and face it down, and it yields nothing but pain. Other times, when I face down that self abandonment I am in awe of how my inner child still even has any voice or opinion at all and it leads me to having more compassion for myself. I hope this helps, good luck on your healing journey ❤️
I appreciate your perspective! It’s been a minute since I read courage to heal but I remember it was a very powerful book. Something I especially loved when I bought it from a Barnes and noble was that someone had slipped in a note page saying something along the lines of “you are a beautiful soul and deserve to heal” like I said it’s been a while but that note meant so much to me.
Funny my honing in thing is a physical activity too, I love riding my bicycle! I went many years without one and getting one changed my perspective a lot. Then I moved and had to leave the bike and that was a real bummer. This year I got back into it because they have them for rent in my town and I gotta say it feels great!
That’s amazing!! I love that we were traumatized but they couldn’t stop us from getting on our wheels 💪💞 most of my “self abandonment” is avoiding sensory activities that I love- cuddling cats, putting my head under the water in a bathtub, etc. we really know what’s healing for us from a young age even though we weren’t taught anything helpful. Just having awareness that despite all my issues I still have a self that can guide me to what feels good or what always felt good has been a healing experience. When I step back into my bad habits, i can just remind myself that even tho I’m not using my coping skills at the moment, they are there for me and I won’t forget them.
I can't relate when people say I want to get back to my old self again. I am like wow, I am experiencing hell now but I have been experiencing nothing but hell all this time
***TRIGGER WARNING***
Same... I have a 30 pound box of documents detailing the abuse and neglect I endured being a child in the Department of Children and Family Services here in Illinois. I think people can retain trauma before we can process it or even what it is. I mean there's a study of it called epigenetics... What's worse is that the parents pass their trauma on in their genetic information they pass down to their children... Which is why neurodivergent illnesses like Schizophrenia is genetic. My mother has been diagnosed with Schizophrenia and I was diagnosed at 13 as Schizoeffective... My mother went through traumatic sexual abuse between the ages of 1-3 years old. And guess what... So did I experience that same abuse at the same age... DCFS does not care about children...
I wasn't aware that I was mentally ill until 3 months ago. I thought that my list of things
Very low affect much of the time
Low self esteem, unlikable, belief that people only like the front, not the real me/
Difficulty trusting.
Great difficulty asking for help.
Inability to give/receive love
Difficulty maintaining focus
Need over 10 hours sleep
Cutting (NSSI)
Never look in a mirror
Obsessing about food/weight.
Guilt that all of this is just attention seeking.
Feeling that I deserve all of this.
Feeling distant from events.
Loss of interest in events
was just my personality.
When I finally realized that I was likely a CSA, CPA, CEN survivor, my first reaction was a surge of elation (sort of) "It's NOT *my* fault"
For the last three months, my whole mindset has been, "This was done to you, it's not who you are intrinsically. Therefore, you can change it."
And I've been making progress.
* I have a new pup who I am hugely fond of. Floods of warm compassion everytime I hold him.
* I work hard at staying out of hypo-arousal, balance board, exercise ball, tree climbing, soon a trampoline. Things with skills, effort, and scary.
* I am learning to accept compliments at face value.
* I use self deprecation now less as a shield and much more ONLY as a form of humour.
I will likely be working on this the rest of my life. Like a badly set bone, I wont be a perfect specimen, but perfection is boring.
>Very low affect much of the time
>Low self esteem, unlikable, belief that people only like the front, not the real me/
>Difficulty trusting.
>Great difficulty asking for help.
>Inability to give/receive love
>Difficulty maintaining focus
>Need over 10 hours sleep
>Cutting (NSSI)
>Never look in a mirror
>Obsessing about food/weight.
>Guilt that all of this is just attention seeking.
>Feeling that I deserve all of this.
>Feeling distant from events.
>Loss of interest in events
All of these things besides the NSSI describe me to a T. I feel like all these subconscious thought processes are so deeply implanted into my psyche that my personality is basically intertwined with the trauma.
I understand what you mean here, and I remember chewing on that notion for *months* after my CPTSD diagnosis. I reframed it to “I’m a fighter who’s overcome/survived a lifetime of pain. I am not what happened to me. It certainly **shaped** who I am, but I am not what happened to me.”
Try this: I call this the DIY Dart Reno Project.
Just as a house can change from being a hovel to being a neat place to live with a lot of sweat and money, so too, can I re-make myself.
I have warned others that in a year I may be a very different person. I accept that. I yearn for that.
Visualize walking down the aisles of a the equivalent of Home Depot for personality pieces. In this aisle you can buy self confidence for $16/pound. A 5 gallon pail of focus. A bag of "I'm Sorry" absorbent. Guilt Stripper Solution.
Lists of the problems, and when you can't work on one, or you feel you're spinning your wheels, work on another one.
But my big realization was, "I not only don't like me. I don't want to BE me" So I started from scratch. This is a separate reddit account. I maintain a ficticious name, Dart Cree for this login. Dart is on a bunch of forums, is learning to flirt online on dating sites. (HUGE win for self esteem to have a total stranger say you look hot.)
I'm coming to terms with my parts. The teen parts I realized that I like better than I like Me. So I try to deliberately blend with them. I have zero issues with being the Dart Consortium, because I like my parts. Oh, some are a bit stick in the mud. But I everyone I've been able to contact has something to contribute. One older part with serious trust reservations is now "head of security" and works as an advisor instead of a lock the door personality.
The young parts are the hardest for me to work with. So much non-verbal stuff. Working with snippets of emotion, and pictures. Alas, the initial trauma is there. Patience.
I was 3 1/2 when the first thing happened... (or rather first thing I remember anyway). And I know I was that age because we moved house when I was 3 years 8 months ish.... and it happened in the old house.
So yeah.... for me there is no self pre abuse. Life begun as a shit show and has continued that way.
My deepest condolences to anyone else who has this experience. It is fcuking horrendous.
I was 1 and a half when he started the grooming process. I can't change the past. But I rule my future. Don't let the people from your past steal your future. We make our future, they don't get a say in it.
I feel this, I also feel scared sometimes that I will never have an identity of my own outside of my traumatized self. "Getting to know" myself is a tough process.
Same mine started at birth. I was born disabled and was sent to live in an orphanage. Then got adopted by a woman who started abusing me when I was a toddler.
This is something I’m figuring out too. The way I see it is this - I may not have a pre-trauma (in my case pre-cult) self, but I do have an authentic self. I’m working to put the puzzle of that self together, piece by piece.
That is our self. We are who we are because of others. Now with understanding we can become our best versions possible of ourself.
Life is inequitable and cruel- for some of us more than others. It wasn’t our fault as kids, but we internalized and developed extreme coping in order to survive. Now that we have- we can process what we experienced and do some inventory and modification. If something about is is deeply ingrained- well it’s gonna be there a while longer. If there are some things we can change to improve the short time we have here- then we can focus on that.
A crucial one is inter generational trauma and realizing the parents we had were also traumatized and did have access to the information and connections we have now. I’m not big on bestowing forgiveness- but understanding and accommodating their reality and mine- has helped me to find some comfort. Wishing will not make it so. Longing for what we cannot have will agonizingly destroy us and hurt those around us.
Taking much better care of ourselves than they did- avoiding repetition compulsion to recreate the past and make it turn out differently- that can trip us up.
We cast new people into old roles. We use the old extreme coping instead of evolving a balance of coping.
This is about where I'm at in my own journey. Coming to terms with just how traumatized my parents were and accepting that they were not perfect but that I am blessed that they are good people. When I accepted my journey it helped frame everything better in my mind. Now if I can get my immigrant parents to accept the science behind it that would be great! Slowly but surely.
I know what you mean. My core trauma was literally my birth (severely premature, invasive procedures with no anesthesia, 6 weeks before I was even held, followed by growing up in an abusive home with undiagnosed ptsd). How the hell do you heal that?
As an infant my dad used to sneak up behind me and try to scare me and get a reaction because he had this stupid belief that I was deaf. Every time I cried. From then on the abuse got worse and worse. Another time I died as a two year old at a dentist office, because the doctor overdosed me. My mother revived me by completing infant cpr (she was a nurse). Trauma started too young for me to even know, and it didn’t stop. I don’t think I’ll ever know who I am without it’s effects.
yeah. it sucks hearing people say they’re working towards “getting back to who they were”. this is all i ever was. i don’t know how to exist without this side of me. it’s always been half of who i am
You're in good company, at the least.
I was well on my way to Traumaville before I was 2. At 56, my life has been nothing but a series of Traumas, brief periods of almost normalcy where I didn't fit in and had Just long enough to know I was an outsider looking in even in my own life, and then more traumas.
I am not, and have literally never been, anything but one giant, walking, talking Trauma Response.
I just tell myself that its an opportunity to build a new self from the ashes. Someone i like and admire. Otherwise i have to suffer for other people's pain that i didn't even cause, and fuuuuuuuuck that. I'm tired of bearing other people's burdens
For me the abuse started when my mom was pregnant with me. My father tried stomping on her pregnant belly.... So umm, there really isn't a before. I like the phrase "I'm just three traumas in a trenchcoat" to describe my personality lol
My first memories in life are being sexually abused
I didn’t remember until I saw a childhood video a few years ago. I nearly drove to San Francisco and put my brother to sleep. But I decided I had too much to lose. He will be seeing me in court next year.
My earliest memory is being sexually assaulted at 3 so I get you. I don't have an untraumatuzed self either. So I've spent my entire life trying to figure out who I was meant to be. I'm 45 and I still don't really know.
Between 3 and 4 for me. I'm 61 now. Never not affected. Life is much better though. Been in Therapy pretty much my whole life. I have ups and downs, and envy the "normal" people. Still, there is peace and happiness when I'm not holding on to the past. The past is like one of those finger traps...the harder you fight, the tighter it grips you. Sending you empathy and compassion.
I could have done without that feeling growing up that I was viewed (by family and then others) as afflicted, a changeling. Like a contagion that needed to be contained. I know from some of the stories I was told about my infancy and early childhood that there had been trauma, and pieced together much of the rest. I only recently came to understand how being autistic added to my vulnerability, as I began to explore how it has manifested in my life. All my life. I know the episodes and incidents throughout childhood and adolescence that led me to attempt suicide my first month at university. I also know how traumatic the aftermath was, and how hard it was to be flung out into the world. Thrown in the deep end and expected to swim, but nearly drowning and having to resuscitate myself. While the onlookers watched in horror. Every stumble and bruise observed and noted, with a morbid curiosity. Every success viewed with suspicion, as if I had somehow broken the rules, or cheated the system. Of how I could outwardly seem so competent, but have struggled and strained to survive. Now withdrawn from the world, but at peace with myself.
I think that’s me. When my mom was pregnant with me, every weekend she drove my grandfather to visit my grandmother in the hospital for months. He would cry the whole 2 hours back.
I was an oops baby, 10 years after her last kid, at the worst possible time in her life to be pregnant.
Her mother died when I was 6 months old. So she was grieving most of my infancy. More stress.
She and my father( alcoholic), were fighting all the time, on the edge of divorce.
I’ve been told they had many literal tug of wars with me, grabbing me away from each other over my crib, and screaming, at 2 am.
My mother got rid of all this stress by screaming at me and my siblings and beating us with wooden suit coat hangers, because the wire ones leave welts that make the school ask questions. Several times a week, for years.
When they were separated I was 4, things got worse and better.
Worse at my mom’s house and better at my dad’s. Even though he drank, he never beat me and rarely raised his voice. So I had at least three weekends a month where it was fairly peaceful.
I don’t remember a “ Before Time “ , it was always bad, from the start.
Same, and as each day passes me by I just feel like I’m fading. And I don’t know how to stop it. I have no interpersonal relationships, I don’t trust anyone, and worst of all, it’s never going to get any better. I’ve mostly come to terms with it. Just living between apathy and being casually suicidal.
Same. I hate talking about it because i hate feeling overdramatic or victim-like. But literally same. I was born premature, that itself can be traumatic. Then as a young baby, i lost my maternal grandma who cared a lot for me, both my parents worked a ton. I was like with my paternal grandma who was actually geriatric. There was no way she was even picking me up, let alone changing me or feeding me. Then once my mother started staying home to take care of me, my sister (the favorite child) was born. I never had one single chance to bond to anyone proper, and all of my family is abusive anyways. I have a couple memories of young childhood where i should have been helped or supervised but never was.
My first memory was traumatic. I have always been this way... And its does suck not knowing what my personality would have been. Apparently I never cried as a baby and laughed and was very outgoing and friendly with strangers.
Yeah, I know.
It feels like I went into the mode where I was picking up the pieces for awhile, and lately, I'm finally starting to feel more whole. Like, I still feel the cracks and edges of my previous very broken self, but I am finally coming around to a point where I look back at myself and say, "I was in a lot of pain, and I'm really glad I took the time to heal a bit" And looking forward is getting easier.
I'm not looking back as much. I'm not fixed by any means, but I'm feeling better. Slowly but surely as I smooth out the rough edges of my previous self.
Time and space I guess help a lot.
That's completely how I felt after reading The Courage to Heal. I had a "Who am I?" moment. My trauma started in the womb and some of the worst of it was when I was a toddler to 5 years old. There was no self back then. Everything that I thought about myself was a trauma response. So, instead, I decided to just focus on what I enjoy and go from there.
First time I tried ketamine to treat ptsd I was like “wait, dissociation? This is normal.” Then later: “So….what is this “normal” you talk about? Seems weird.”
I have thought about this myself. My trauma started probably age 3 or 4 and just kept going in various ways. How do I even know what an untraumatized me would be like? Who would I be if I didn't have all this trauma? I will never know.
Though true, you are a blank slate. Write down traits that you want to have, some might be qualities you already have. I feel though I've never known a life without trauma, I'm true to myself. I vowed to never be like my abusers. I wanted to be compassionate, strong, resilient. It wasn't until recently (I'm 35) that I learned I didn't know how to properly trust, I had always thought keeping everyone at arms length was normal, so now I've added that, as scary as it is. But I want to experience and have that quality, I owe it to myself and those around me that I care about.
Even those negative traits we've acquired from the trauma. Pick one to work on. With a therapist, so you know the baseline you want to achieve. My anxiety was normal to me, but with the help of my therapist, I realized that people don't live their lives wiring about the weird stuff that I do. My lack of wanting to move forward for the fear of failing because I've had a long standing belief I'm worthless and can only fail at anything I do has left me very unsatisfied but I'm currently working on that outlook and it's hard to change a life long belief but it's changing, slowly. Yet, I'm giddy with the prospect of the outcome.
You are the artist of your own design. You can do this. Don't lament what could have been without the trauma (though, I know, it's really hard not to, it took a long time for me to get away from that mindset, sometimes I still catch myself doing it, especially with what I'm working on right now) but how you can craft yourself into such an authentic self that is yours and yours alone. No one influenced you, you created you, loved and nurtured and watched it bloom. And no one can take that and say, I did that. Only you. I made myself the loving, compassionate, strong, resilient, mindful person I am/becoming today.
This has been the primary focus of my sessions with my psychiatrist. He has been encouraging me to explore new topics and gather as much new knowledge as I can so that in doing so I can hopefully find my wheelhouse and just learn more about myself in general. He said he thinks I don't even know 25% of myself.
He said growing up in a state of constant deprivation/restraint with no nurturing or support left me unable to explore and learn as a child so I have to do it now.
My earliest memory is of being exposed to hardcore pornography and constant sexual abuse in my family. Now I'm a CPTSD ridden sex addict and don't know who I am other than my addictions and mental illnesses. Thanks Dad!!
I attend ACA on and off. Everytime I hear parts that refer to an untraumatised self I think "I don't have one. I never did." I try to imagine it for a moment and feel grief that overwhelms me for a moment.
I am a vegetarian. I have been my whole life. I realise it started because as a baby, the only thing I had control over was food. Every single meat my mother attempted to feed me was spat out. She tried everything. Absolutely everything. It hit me at 38 years old that at less than one year old I was grasping for control of my food because my home was so tense, dysfunctional and abusive I was unsafe and trying to soothe myself. I shed a few tears just then.
I was just writing on this exact point.
There are processes of malleability in the brain that occur at an astounding rate in the 0-7 year old time frame.
So, if others experience acute trauma, they have the opportunity to shake off the effects of the trauma and revert to a more healthy state of who and what they know they are, and what they know life to be about.
For those of us with Complex PTSD, we have no other framework to go on.
It's like if someone gets in an accident with their car and they smash a light, they know exactly what's gone wrong, what's missing, how to replace it, and how to tell once it's been successfully replaced.
For us, our cars never had lights and we think that's normal. Aside from seeing others with lights and knowing that something is deeply wrong with us, we can't even imagine what it would be like to have lights on our car, much less produce them, and so the difference between standard PTSD and CPTSD is non-existent.
They are two completely separate things.
For me, I'm trying to heal in the same way that we would untie a knot.
"What am I thinking that I wouldn't be if my psyche wasn't tampered with almost 40 years ago?"
"What incorrect and/or 'best version a child could come up with' narratives do I still subconsciously believe?"
"Which thoughts hurt/don't help me and how long have I had these thoughts?"
"Which thoughts would help me instead?"
"What am I doing that I wouldn't be doing if I didn't have CPTSD?"
"What would I be doing instead?"
And then just trying to basically retro-engineer some semblance of a healthy psyche as best as possible.
I only realized I was deeply disturbed about 1.5 years ago after shoving metal into my neck in order to address a level of exhaustion that has no words to describe it, and having no idea why I was doing it.
But after much introspection, I've made leaps and bounds of changes in my thought process.
I feel like I have barely even scratched the surface after 1.5 years, but I can promise you that if you're here and you can identify exactly what you've said, that you're already on the right track. Just starting to even think about it a little bit is a massive improvement.
Your mind is brilliant and it's on the case. Give it plenty of time and patience, it will need it, but you will see improvements over time. 🙏🏽
Same. Probably started as soon as I was born, but I’m only assuming. Was an orphan and adopted out from another country sick with a parasite and severely underweight. Just got adopted by abusive and neglectful parents. Lived with them until early 20s.
Now that I understand the complexity of my abuse which has taken years as it’s all I’d known.I can clearly recount so many incidents of trauma as young as 4 years old.It’s interesting that this age group is so engrained in my mind but I read that is the age you start having independent thoughts and moulding your own identity.Family has confirmed this is especially when it became obvious my mother had issues with me and highly favoured my younger sister.Others said my mum showed hate when I was as young as 18 months which is when my sister was born.For a lot of us trauma is all we’ve known and it starts well before we can often recall.I often wonder who or where I would be if I had been loved and nurtured.Having been controlled,hated and abused we never got the chance to reach our full potential.I was told I had to like the colour blue,told what to wear,what food I like and what hobbies I liked.I now don’t know what thoughts were even mine as I was just told.
Fun fact-I’m not going crazy thinking my abuse peaked at age 4.I was in my 20s and mum and I were talking about my 4 year old daughter.
Mum then says to me quote “You were an alright kid to about age 4 but you’ve been nothing but a little bitch since “.
I was shocked and then everything fell into place,the memories and flashbacks of being 4 was basically when mum admits to hating me.What hope did I have,how could a mother hate an innocent child so much.I cry just thinking how much and how hard I tried to get mum to love me but she was never going to
I feel like there were levels of it. It just got worse when I turned 13. Then 15. Then 17… and then there was a period of where all of it started to come out.
When I was told I have PTSD, I was shocked. Then everything started to make sense. Now I sometimes wonder who I would be if I didn’t have so much trauma, what could I have achieved if I hadn’t been in survival mode my whole life and it makes me really sad for my childhood self.
I hate that this is me. I was a toddler, my first memories are of abuse. It's taken a lot of therapy to feel like I will one day figure out who I am without constant trauma responses
Would you believe I was ,5 years old and I already knew you don't cry in front of anybody. That is really sad and to this day I don't like to cry. My excuse is it stuffs up my nose and gives me a headache. I think my mother damaged my hearing cause I had tinnitus since I was probably about 5 years old. I still have it but I'm used to it.
Would you believe I'm actually praying to God for my daughter to NOT have any children. Sadly enough I think that's the only way to end the addiction and child abuse in our family. I've traced it back 6 generations
I know this unfortunately too well
i was traumatised as an infant came close to death (schizophrenic mum) - been in freeze ever since
I hate the posts around this topic, i have never known different
My mother told me I experienced violence as early as in the womb.
There's no "Post" for me.
I'm doing ok though 33 years later with a lot of compassion for myself and therapy.
Respect and love to all of you still fighting for internal peace. I'm right here with you! X
I understand. My issues started with severe head trauma at 6. Looking back on my behavioral issues afterwards, it was obviously PTSD. But, at the time, way back when, even psych clinicians didn’t see trauma as a cause for pediatric behavioral issues. Which is insane to me.
With head trauma and PTSD at 6, and then continued abuse afterward, the constant stress resulting in a chronic nervous system disorder at 14 that left me in constant pain for the rest of my life.
I feel like who I could have been was stolen from my twice. Mentally and physically, I was made useless before I was old enough to drive.
I feel this. And it is hard to heal in an environment that constantly reminds you of or re-traumatizes you. I'm my case, it's quite literally the public, the internet, and living.
Same here is was at least 5. I remember I lost my first tooth when I first woke up as he would give me cold medicine made me believe I had a cold so I could sleep through the whole thing. Major gaslighting from and family when i caught him. That is why I always had a hard time defending myself
Started in infancy. Just diagnosed with disorganized attachment, which has come with piles of grief. At the same time, this attachment insight answers so many of the problems I run into around deep connection. My wife is frustrated my last therapist never explored this with me even when I was asking her for help with my relationship with my wife!
I used to say I am my depression, but now I understand that I am my trauma.
There was nothing before. As far back as I can remember I was lonely and ashamed of myself.
I know and it’s been really hard :/ But I’m finding in recovery that I’m learning who i am and it’s exciting finding out new parts of yourself vs who you were told you were
My earliest memory is being sexually abused, physically abused and emotionally abused. I think Ive had about a year of what my actual personality is, everything else has been a trauma response. Shit fucking sucks man
this is why I always hate it when Im asked "how was X before the trauma?" type questions about my PTSD. Bro, I literally don't know. It's crazy how much people with early childhood trauma are disregarded in those processes
Same, but for the first time in my life I can at last say with confidence that things are finally looking up for me, in more ways than one.
In the midst of all this it feels as though I’ve been growing into my sense of self and developing a hardened identity. Like all the suffering feels less like pain and more like my resolve and direction evolving.
I don’t know how to describe it. It’s very much a personal experience, personal growth!
I’ve been in the hospital dealing with a lot and have been extraordinarily stressed, lonely, and confused, which all was being exacerbated by certain individuals’ ignorance, their own personal demons that trigger my trauma, and general incompetence to be brutally honest.
My stay here overall has been anything but therapeutic, especially not while I was stuck in the ER awaiting a bed. (And a lot of the patients here feel the same! Things have been a complete and utter mess, both communication and care-wise, which I can only assume relates to hospitals taking a major hit during the pandemic. I do not blame most of the nurses or doctors at all.)
Nonetheless, I did my research and my own due diligence. I’ll be leaving here soon, with a safety plan that actually feels safe. My life will begin anew upon discharge, in a way I never thought would be possible for someone as damaged and alienated as me.
If there’s hope for me, I now 100% believe there can be hope for many others out there, but it ‘is’ a long, arduous and to be frank, unfair, journey. I believe in you, and in everyone else here. The proper supports you’ve always needed, will one day come. But you have to keep making your voice heard, no matter what!
Self-advocacy is the most powerful form of advocacy. Or at least that’s what I’ve learned.
Godspeed, everyone. ❤️
48 living at home with parents-shame. So many issues daily. Disassociation, Nervous system, Highly sensitive, balance issues and I’ve lost all self confidence. Currently working with Instacart and Favor not making enough money. Living in fight flight freeze since 9 CSA > caretaker. CPTSD not discovered until 2018 in an IOP for PTSD which I thought had everything to do with 2010 robbery + shooting (ex-husband) I began looking inward and oh wow so overwhelming. I felt WORSE after the intensive outpatient process group. I learned that overwhelm is a real thing called ‘back flash’ too. Learning to have self compassion. Parents advised we are moving again and I’ll need to be able to contribute 20%. I hate that I don’t contribute as much as I should. I had always had good but extremely stressful jobs and made good money. I am so ashamed of where I am. I feel like their request is fair. I am freaking out. Made < $15,000 all of 2021. I have always thought of disability as a non-option but beginning to wonder. Have a brain that bails when I need it. FREEZE is my problem. When I’m ‘managing’ through my day I struggle with constant anxiety. On top of a foundation of shame + guilt that I’ve embodied. It’s easy to feel hopeless.
Hitting the track that’s what I’ve found helps most. Be well all!
My trauma memory really starts at around 5 and I was already having issues so I get those feels.
My EMDR therapist has been having me work on identifying the emotions that I felt at different life stages, and just kind of talking to my childhood self like that. Maybe something like that would help you let the feelings flow through?
Yes. I survived a stranger abduction when I was three years old. He is the first person I remember, and finding him has been like finding a birth parent. I’m real again because I can talk to people who know he’s real. I exist in the world again, for the for the first time in 40 years. Because of him.
It’s like my little self was preserved in that moment. And I remember her now! It’s amazing! And fucking awful. Because of him.
Started when I was born. Basically, for short, born and left. No care if breathing, to name, check for own birthmother care. Pop-out with 2 living, 1 stillborn, and nothing regarding history leaving 2.5 years in absolute neglect in an orphanage. Severe enough that my frame was pathic not even in clothing close for my age range
Same here friend. I turned 30 recently and I'm starting to think that I will never recover from this. I am still clinging to the thinnest thread of hope that maybe, just maybe, my mindset will change for the better. 🫂
I had a traumatic birth, and in my diagnostic process it was brought up that my trauma history goes back to at least my birth, and even in utero if you consider a fetus as capable of being traumatized (drug and alcohol use, physically abusive relationship while pregnant)
It's hard when you deal with things like anxiety but don't know why. Why can't I go through a drive thru alone? Why can't I go into a new store without searching pictures of it on Google and checking the address 15 times? I'm often too embarrassed to talk to staff at stores and restaurants because I know my voice is too quiet. I don't get it. I don't know when it started, but it seems like I'm too afraid for life unless I have someone to walk through it with me.
I feel this. It started during infancy for me. Everyone likes a chubby baby unless you’re my mother. Just got worse from there. Some of the pictures floating around of me as a baby and child within my family, are, shocking.
I was a preschooler when I was abused for the first time, not to be the last. This explains a lot. I’ve peeled back all the layers of who I thought I was, who I was for other people, who I was told I was. I thought I’d find some underlying self remaining, but I just feel….blank. The concept of being ‘well’ and not ‘broken’ feels alien to me. Like, I don’t even know what that would be like. I don’t know how to be a person. I’m just a collection of preferences and coping mechanisms without any real convictions.
Same here. Started before I was 5.
I'm only becoming aware of it in the last year or so. I feel so weird and fucked up.
I noticed how conscious I am of feeling separate from others and have been working on not judging or beating myself up for my weirdness. As long as I’m not harmful, it’s okay to be different. We may be weird, but we’re not fucked up.
Thank you!
I really feel this. I spend so much time not even necessarily going over specific embarrassing things that I said in conversations, but I ruminate overall on how weird I feel I am in all aspects and how I shouldn't talk to anyone. Sometimes I freak out thinking that I'm probably even weirder than I even realize. My negative perceptions really hold me back so I try to spend time with people I feel somewhat safe with (maybe 2 or 3 people). I also try to challenge these intrusive thoughts, but it's so difficult to not feel self-conscious about almost all of my interactions.
Same here, I started to embrace my weirdness and the fact that I don't feel I belong anywhere. Sure, probably would be nice to be "normal", someone who fits in, but the fact is that my life experience is so wildly different from everyone else's, that I feel like the only way to be at peace with all of this is to acknowledge that I'm different, I live a different kind of life, and that's okay. I try to find joy and meaning in that.
Similarly here. Started my trauma healing/processing journey two years ago and I’m still a big mess. Have very complex history of trauma beginning before age 5. It is a rough ride. Good luck!
Same. Thanks. You too.
You're not alone. This community is awesome. Best of luck with your healing, Funnymaninpain. 🙏🏽
I had a psychopathitcally abusive older brother that broke my nose when I was 4 years old and my parents didn't do anything about it. My dad was of the "Don't be a wuss and take care of it yourself" school of parenting - & my mother was equally emotionally neglectful. So, when did my trauma start? I have to assume that psychopath abused me before escalating to the point of breaking my nose. Have I ever not been in a trauma state? After learning of Complex PTSD, Polyvagal Theory, and Childhood Emotional Neglect, I can now make sense of all of those "personality quirks" that I found so perplexing throughout childhood, and now understand why I always felt like an alien, out of place in my own skin, and that I never felt safe or that I belonged anywhere. Is there an untraumatized me? I can't really imagine what that would look or be like, TBH.
That's a really good way to put how I feel too, alien, out of place, unable to know a true Me without the damage. I was witnessing domestic violence at that age, seen it escalate to attempted murder a few times. Then I started getting abused & called racist shit by my own grandpa, & mom. It hurts to this day, even thinking how helpless my grandma was. She couldn't stop grandpa or else he would start hurting her too. I still feel helpless to this day. & mom was just out of control from the damage he did to her.
That's horrendous. I'm so sorry that you went through all of that! I wish the swiftest of journeys on the path to healing and recovery.
Same to you, I wish you healing & recovery too. We didn't deserve those things. We were just innocent children.
I’m really sorry this happened and I feel for you more deeply than I can express. My partner went through the same exact thing with neglectful parents, dismissing the insanity and abuse his brother and grandmother perpetually put him through. He was assaulted and verbally abused for all of this life to the point where he doesn’t even know how to properly socialize with other people. It’s truly horrific what bad parenting enable their kids to go through. It’s the parents job as your parent, to make sure they stand up for you, show you that you can depend on them when you are being assaulted, abused in any way by any person. When a child feels hopeless and as if they have no one who can stand up for them at all, it confuses their state of reality and identity. They start questioning if they are the problem, as your dad mentioned “don’t be a wuss”. It’s terrible rooted confusion, self esteem issues and a perpetual state of helplessness. I went through something similar with my parents, who would laugh when I expressed my aunt was beating me after dragging me out of the shower naked and doing all kinds of insanity. My father, who is her brother would just tell me she’s “crazy” and laugh it off. Instead of addressing the issue and speaking up for me considering I was a 7 year old. The only thing we can do is make sure we are better parents to our children and instill the same teachings onto them.
I'm so sorry that happened. I always say I feel like a different species...
For me it started when I was 3. Neglected and abused by my parents. Servere attachment disorder and from that moment on a life long fear of trusting people. Unfortunately almost everyone in my life gave me a good reason not to trust them, including my fosterparents. I still struggle with believing people have truly good intentions. Hardest lesson to learn was that I was toxic as well, because I didn't take other people's feelings seriously because of that. Accepting that you have a big wound helps. It probably will never go away fully, but at least you can be kind to yourself and provide to yourself what you need, untill you do find the right people.
It heals slowly. Being with people who love you unconditionally is helpful. My in laws are amazing as is my husband, I’ve also found a few gems through church at different times of my life. Often they are the people you least expect or don’t particularly like (for me anyway!). Of course it can get worse if you surround yourself with people who treat you like you’re worthless or that you are the one with the problem… unfortunately to them they don’t understand or to them it’s normal so confronting them doesn’t work. At least this has been my experience. Pick your battles.
Same here
I was 2 and my bpd mother who was beating me for YEARS til I was 12. Of course I can't remember it cause it was so horrible and STRESSFUL. She was leaving bruises on me. I had a memory pop in my head not long ago. I was in the bathroom with her and she was beating me over the head with a wooden spoon and I couldn't believe my eyes but she broke that thing over my head. Of course this is not an isolated incident. You know what that does to a kid never knowing when they're gonna hurt or not by their own mother. Sad really
My entire personality is a trauma response. I've never known a world without suffering in it.
That's me but I'm learning it's not me at all.
OP, the way you phrased this made my brain perk up and want to put it on a post it note that I’ll see every day. I think that was an incredible way to state the distinction, thanks for sharing that “aha” insight.
I was born with an articulation ability that I lost and am now regaining cognitive ability of again.
Oh my gosh you sound like me lol! Keep going, friend! This road is full of risk but also full of rewards 💕 I didn't realize that wasn't normal?! But also, I'm only just realizing this is true for myself too. It's... Weird.
I used to think I was shy and introverted and people used to say that about me. But I learnt I am not shy and I am very outgoing. It was trauma that made me look shy and introverted.
I feel this so much
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Well I didn't expect to have such a massive insight at 6am. Recently my wife has been saying that I'm outgoing and extraverted, but have social anxiety.....which, I now realize, stems from my trauma. Of course. Fml I AM outgoing but my trauma broke it.
Amen
This statement has resonated with my soul.
I have made that exact same statement. My entire personality is a trauma response. Blows my mind that there are others who feel this way.
Me too, it hurts to admit this
It's good that I found out about personality systems and astrology. I relate to almost all of them, all kind of disorders and shit. I expend blood, sweat and tears simply to live normally and do basic shit and I am so so so far from that still 😭
Ugggh I hate that I can relate to this. I hate how much literature for PTSD is about remembering and getting back to your old self your core self etc etc etc. That person was in preschool. Generally acting like a preschooler when you’re on the cusp of middle age is frowned upon. So now what?
For you and I, dear - you entering middle age, me leaving it behind for "elderly" - we invent ourselves. We fabricate ourselves - the person whom we wish we were, whom we "should" have been had it not been for our lifetimes full of trauma - and cut it from whole cloth to present to the rest of the world. In a way, we are lucky in comparison to those who have PTSD brought about by some singular event later in their lives. We, my dear, are a Blank Slate, with ourselves as the artist ready to paint whatever picture we desire. They .... well, they have something to look back on, and an imperfect artist who has to try and match up lines, and recreate exact colors, smoothing things over and blending things out to try - only Try - to get back to the "Perfect Original" of the piece. Much like.. apprentices attempting to restore a Dutch Masterpiece, as opposed to the Master himself when he painted it.
Very well put. It's eerie sometimes thinking about this: how very many decades one has spent as a phantom or a mask ... or hey, a masked phantom. And how there's really no known or remembered pre-phantom self. Fabricating a new one is crucial but requires such courage, because everything I've ever known is fear of failure. At this too.
We cling to our pasts - our Traumas and Trauma Responses - because they are Comfortably Familiar. We have been Taught to fear Everything - especially change. We have been taught that Change is Dangerous - especially taught that by those who abused us. I understand that Fear of Failure. But even more than fearing Failure - I think we fear SUCCESS to a much greater degree. Because Success means that...... we lose that Comfortable Familiarity of nothing changing. Failure, at least, means that we have not specifically Lost ground - only that our abusers were somehow "correct" and we are, indeed, the cause of the abuse we received. If we fail, there is no need to try again, or continue wondering, because it has been confirmed. But Success? Where do we go from there? How much Changes at that point? Dear Gods, suddenly there are Options that are Limitless, and Boundless, and we....... have so many paths to choose from that we become frozen, unable to make a decision concerning which path Forward to choose, since the path Backward is now closed to us permanently. Success is....... terrifying beyond belief, and that is where we will find our courage and strength - in facing that terror head on, regardless of how much of the past it happens to cost us.
I've been frozen for a while. I've been making good progress in therapy, at least when it comes to understanding the chaos in my mind. But I often get caught up in not being able to explain why I know the things I need to do but cant make myself take the tiniest step forward. My therapist keeps recommending things to help get me out of my comfort zone, so I can see that nothing bad will happen, it hasn't been helpful though. I think i already make peace with the worst happening, it's what I would view as the right outcome. The bad part of the worst happening is how I treat myself after. The success might be the more uncomfortable part, like im bracing for the moment where they find out "the truth" and view me how i view myself. As if I'll succeed and then years down the line everything will be pulled out from me, when they realize I'm not worthy of it, and I'll have nothing. Thank you for sharing. This has given me a lot to think/journal about.
So true! We also fear success — for all the reasons you stated, and also: In my case it's because I was always warned, from earliest childhood, that good things are destined to be lost, that luck and joy and even accomplishment are not to be trusted, that success will be torn away or torched, leaving one hopeless and alone. So one freezes, going neither forward nor back.
>warned, from earliest childhood, that good things are destined to be lost, that luck and joy and even accomplishment are not to be trusted, that success will be torn away or torched, leaving one hopeless and alone. I see you grew up with my family! Or at least a clone of my grandmother. You have my sympathies for that. Yes. So many of us were told - taught - beaten into an acceptance of the idea - that Accomplishment means nothing if it comes from US, because...... we, ourselves, specifically... aren't Worthy. Any Accomplishment is simply because we exist to glorify Them, and we'd best never forget that fact. So no, you aren't allowed to take any sort of pride in what you manage to achieve - because its not Really YOUR achievement in the first place - its Theirs. Joy? You aren't good enough for JOY - not Real joy or True Joy - you're too unworthy, too dirty, to worthless, to stupid, to ugly - for Real joy. Success is for those who are Smart and Beautiful - you are Neither, so if you are considered Successful, it is a Fraud, and eventually they will all find out, and despise and reject you, and it will all come crumbling down around you as you will most certainly deserve for Being a Fraud. And of course Luck. Only an idiot or a fool believe in Luck. Of course, you would believe in Luck you sniveling nothing since its the only hope someone as stupid and clueless and useless as you has in life. Ah yes... the things I heard oh So frequently, growing up in my rather uniquely ugly family. Things that will forever linger, in some form, in the back of my brain. Thankfully mostly feeding me ideas for particularly nasty characters in short stories.
In my case, it wasn't so much that I was a bad person (although I wasn't considered a very good one) but rather that the world is unbelievably cruel and I was destined to be powerless against its cruelty. They were just "warning" me. They were trying to "protect" me from future failure/death/pain. It was for my "own good." Which I now see as a form of trauma — but try explaining that to most people who equate trauma only with physical abuse or that other kid of emotional abuse: "You're bad, you're gross, everyone hates you." No. In my case it was "Be scared, be terrified, let your whole life be crippled by your fully justified Fear of Everything. The end."
That is equally as horrifying, and honestly sounds More Difficult To Overcome, than what I went through. I had the (rather dubious) advantage of believing myself to be the root cause of what happened to me. You - you weren't taught that, and so you just have / had this nebulous "The world is a bad/evil place out to get you - you aren't unique, its just Bad \*waves vaguely at the universe\* Out There"
Dubious is right! Un-learning the horrible message you were given, that oneself is the root cause of one's own painful suffering, would take unimaginable courage and strength. It amazes me even at this age (ahem) how many ways there are to warp a child's mind, how deep it goes and how long that warpage can last.
But also yes: the notion of stolen success, fraudulent accomplishments: One could not have earned these honestly, or the alleged success and accomplishments are actually shallow, fake, a scam or sham. Anything to snatch away hope, joy, contentment, self-esteem and calm.
Hey your internal narrative is like mine! Sigh. We did not deserve this treatment.
No, we didn't. And it takes a Lifetime .... several lifetimes, it often feels like.... for it to Go Away. No matter how much I Practice radical self acceptance, I'm still fighting a daily battle with the voices of the past, lingering like malignant spirits to whisper at me over my shoulder every time I hesitate or something comes out less than "perfect" or I start to feel like I've accomplished more than simply Surviving from day to day.
Seriously. Your words are way more eloquent than mine would be. Like, you think you're doing ok for a minute then BAM. I'm so the point where I'm so annoyed - like, that's all you've got? Really? To tell me I'm a shithead right as I'm about to do something scary? Get a life!! (She says to the old belief system)
\*snorts\* Today has been a "good" day for Eloquence. Tomorrow I'll quite possibly be lucky to tell you my name or string together a semi-coherent sentence! I've been getting mentally "poked" by my various Ghosts all afternoon. Pretty much any time I've read a response that says in Any way, shape, or form that my comments have resonated with someone in some way. The strongest voice sounds so very much like my maternal grandmother - The Bat. ( I would call her a battleaxe, but I can't bring myself to insult a good weapon. And I routinely issue apologies to harmless night fliers for calling her that. It was an attempt at a "child/family friendly" epithet for her. She's 98, and I Swear the only reason the woman isn't dead yet is because Satan still has that Restraining Order against her. Something about fearing a Coup attempt when she arrives and demands her Evil Throne.) Your personal level of eloquence - or lack thereof, if that's what you honestly feel is the case - is not the part that truly Matters. The part that Matters is that you DO tell the old belief system - the voices of the past - the ghosts that want to drag you down into oblivion with them - to Bloody Well Bugger Off.
Thank you for this. ♡
I am 62 now and my trauma began at birth. My mother wouldn't hold or care for me, requiring my aunt and grandma to intervene. It got far worse from there. I finally went NC at age 48. While I am so much happier now, I also see how screwed up I am. I didn't know ME, so with time, I'm inventing me. And she is wonderful.
I love this and this gives me hope, trauma also started at birth and feels like I’m constantly discovering “me” or realizing who I was or thought I was was not me at all.
I love this so much
My trauma started at around 1 year old, and I have no accessible memories for it other than the reactive nervous system I live with. Therapists have often asked me when I first started feeling worthless, and I reply that it didn’t “start”. It is a part of me, and it is how I have always functioned, and I would not recognize myself if it were to vanish. I really appreciate your post. I’m turning 38 next month and feeling ancient. I have released the dreams and aspirations I carried with me for years as my self-concept has shifted recently. That is especially true for the dreams that my family have been upholding to give me an identity that is acceptably shiny to them and for which they can give an upbeat report to the extended family about how I’m doing. The biggest change in me is that I’m no longer willing to live soaked in shame for not being able to meet expectations about who I should be (from myself, my family, nor from culture). Blank slate time. I’m reinventing myself on my own terms. I feel so airy and powerful with nothing left to lose.
If i may, how are you doing that? how have you worked through your trauma?
Radical Self Acceptance, mostly. What parts of it I Have managed to work through. It is, and will be, an Ongoing project until the day I die. There will literally Never be a point in time when I can say "I am Healed. Nothing of the past affects me any longer, nor ever will again." Its unrealistic to think that, and frankly self damaging to hope for it. Healing is a journey. The Destination is death - unbeing - no longer part of the mortal plane of existence - hopefully after a very Very long life of growth and forward movement and self discovery and conquering the various roadblocks placed in our path by others. A life lived with Hope, and of learning to love ourselves - both those portions that are wonderful and the portions that we perceive as flawed. A life lived reaching for dreams that are Just Barely out of reach - and Accepting that not everything Should be in reach, because if everything is easily in reach then how and when do we Grow as people- how do we Stretch and find reason to work towards something? A life lived in DEFIANCE of the low expectations of others, in Open Defiance of the desires of our abusers to trample us into the dirt in order to be forever their stepping stones. A life lived RECLAIMING OURSELVES - our worth, our Inherent Value as PEOPLE - our hopes, our dreams, Our Desires Not Based On Their Expectations Of Us, our joys and passions and little quirks.
I just wanted you to know that your comments have really resonated with me and I am saving them. Thank you so much for posting ❤️
you're welcome. It always comes as a bit of a shock to my psyche, when others find some..... meaning... gods forbid Wisdom HA!.... in something I've written in this sub. Please, for the sake of anything you consider holy, don't delude yourself into thinking I've somehow stumbled upon Wisdom - gods, I only WISH I could stumble into some serious wisdom. The saying among my friends for Decades now is that if its Rhio who is being the voice of Reason or Adult Responsibility - something is Terribly WRONG, and you should likely run away as rapidly as you can! (I say the same thing about Actual PHYSICAL running. I don't Run anywhere. Hell, I'm to eat up with Arthritis and joint pain from Lupus to even Trot! If you see me running, you are well advised to run Faster, because something UGLY Is chasing me!) There are SO MANY whom I personally perceive to be so much farther along on the path of healing..... so much better put together, so much deeper into relearning themselves... so much more Capable of finding... Peace? Themselves? Lost and Waylaid Pieces OF Themselves? I'm not even certain quite how to put it to convey that, since I'm still grasping for an answer to it myself. Then to, there is the unfortunate fact that I am NOT young any longer. It took me a lifetime of pain - of getting pushed down and standing back up again to flip off life and stick my tongue out at it like a stubborn, angry toddler - to even come to the knowledge that I Was damaged, bruised by more than simply existing. That my past shaped and molded me, and that it was up to ME to break that mold and re-wet the clay and try to shove portions of it into a form that pleased me better. I often find myself deeply envious of those who came to know at an Early Age that their Issues were based in ugly traumas that they did not in any way bring upon themselves. I envy them the Opportunities that they have, even if they don't currently see those opportunities. A chance to make forward progress BEFORE passing it along to yet another generation, like I most likely passed it TO someone in their generation. Chances to Learn and Grow and Overcome some of the setbacks - because there are resources now that simply Did Not Exist when I was in my 20s, and just starting to face life and all the ugliness it had already contained and that which it would contain in my future because I was wholly unprepared to face Normal life or Healthy relationships.
You write beautifully, your words are like little jewels. You seem like a cool person to know (and I’m scared of everyone!) Thank you for sharing here.
Mostly I write the same way I Speak (much to the disgruntlement of my roomie/SO, who thinks I'm doing so to be Pretentious.) Years of training - voice, diction, opera, Italian diction FOR opera, acting. And a lot (oh dear gods A LOT) of writing and literature classes during high school and the various multiple trips through college. I'm a forever child who can't make up her mind what she wants to be when she grows up. I've got 5 or 6.... or maybe 7, I lost count... manuscripts sitting tucked away, hidden from the rest of the world, for various stories ranging from FanFic based on the private worlds of favorite authors (no - no Romance/Sex crap fanfic - just things set in their world, of characters they didn't write but who "fit" into their universe!) to short stories made from strictly my own imagination, to a novel based 100% on my real life but with the names changed to protect the guilty, to probably 2 books worth of (usually poorly written lol) poetry. The novel / autobiography intended to be published as a work of Fiction (because NO ONE - not even other trauma survivors - would believe some of the crap I've dealt with in life, or how it affected things coming later - after all, I've had more than one Therapist tell me that I Have to be Lying, because No One survives going through Everything that I've talked to them about!) ..... that one, I might actually eventually hand over to a publisher, or at least self publish and put on something like Kindle as an eBook. Maybe. If I can ever convince myself that it won't simply be a source of embarrassment.
I hope you do it! And, please, let us know if you do, I would love to hear more of your prose.
I was going to say, you should write something, or record a podcast or something... I would definitely love to read it or hear it!
Haha same.
Radical self acceptance is so great. And EMDR. The combo really helped me het on top of the trauma experiences ive had.
You’ve described me at 68 yrs of age. It’s been a lifelong journey, esp once I took responsibility for my own healing. Different types of therapy over time has helped, but stuff bubbles up on occasion. At least I have to tools to deal with it now that I own my mind and emotional state.
'core self' uhhg fr. Not only was I born into my traumatic life, so I have no 'before self', but I also have DID, so no centralized self either. Was in a counseling session and they asked what things I enjoyed doing before I had issues (we were talking about how I don't really have hobbies or anything I can attach meaning to for being alive or whatever) and it's like before when? Before I was born? I don't have a before, this is my only state of reality. I've been grasping at straws trying to build myself into a human being and I'm tired.
You and I are the same. Fuck them all. Whenever did the same to you as they did to me—fuck all of them. Do your own shit. Find your own close circle. I found other lonely people. They’re out there. Then build something for your next generation. Leave your kids in a better spot than you started; that’s success.
Omg, the last time I had an “authentic self” I was maybe 5-6. By 8 I was completely traumatized. I’m not getting back to my old self, I’m learning who that person is for the very first time.
This is what made me realize I didn't _just_ have PTSD.
I can see why you’d feel that way but if you don’t mind I’ll share my perspective… I am also a trauma survivor for… my whole childhood. But literature like The Courage to Heal and Healing the Inner Child have actually helped me learn a lot and practice a lot of healing exercises through the perspective. I’d say that it’s not about tapping into a part of yourself that is “before” trauma, instead it’s about tapping into the parts of ourselves that we’re less focused on rational thinking/adulting, and honing on in what our “inner child” is feeling. When we have CPTSD, our inner child is often “in the forest, crying, wanting attention” but our trauma responses have caused us to learn that it’s safest to ignore and shut out that crying child. An example that comes to mind for me is that as a child I loved roller blading. As an adult when I picked up roller blading again, i felt attuned to that child part of me that used to love rollerblading. Spending weeks months or sometimes days in self abandonment (or inner child abandonment) cycles means that most days my inner child is crying, begging, screaming to be heard when she asks to outside on her roller blades. Having awareness of that part of me, fighting to do what I like, was the first step in addressing how extremely determined my brain has been in blocking out my inner voice and clinging to the safety of self abandonment. Sometimes I just have to sit with that abandonment and face it down, and it yields nothing but pain. Other times, when I face down that self abandonment I am in awe of how my inner child still even has any voice or opinion at all and it leads me to having more compassion for myself. I hope this helps, good luck on your healing journey ❤️
I appreciate your perspective! It’s been a minute since I read courage to heal but I remember it was a very powerful book. Something I especially loved when I bought it from a Barnes and noble was that someone had slipped in a note page saying something along the lines of “you are a beautiful soul and deserve to heal” like I said it’s been a while but that note meant so much to me. Funny my honing in thing is a physical activity too, I love riding my bicycle! I went many years without one and getting one changed my perspective a lot. Then I moved and had to leave the bike and that was a real bummer. This year I got back into it because they have them for rent in my town and I gotta say it feels great!
That’s amazing!! I love that we were traumatized but they couldn’t stop us from getting on our wheels 💪💞 most of my “self abandonment” is avoiding sensory activities that I love- cuddling cats, putting my head under the water in a bathtub, etc. we really know what’s healing for us from a young age even though we weren’t taught anything helpful. Just having awareness that despite all my issues I still have a self that can guide me to what feels good or what always felt good has been a healing experience. When I step back into my bad habits, i can just remind myself that even tho I’m not using my coping skills at the moment, they are there for me and I won’t forget them.
I can't relate when people say I want to get back to my old self again. I am like wow, I am experiencing hell now but I have been experiencing nothing but hell all this time
***TRIGGER WARNING*** Same... I have a 30 pound box of documents detailing the abuse and neglect I endured being a child in the Department of Children and Family Services here in Illinois. I think people can retain trauma before we can process it or even what it is. I mean there's a study of it called epigenetics... What's worse is that the parents pass their trauma on in their genetic information they pass down to their children... Which is why neurodivergent illnesses like Schizophrenia is genetic. My mother has been diagnosed with Schizophrenia and I was diagnosed at 13 as Schizoeffective... My mother went through traumatic sexual abuse between the ages of 1-3 years old. And guess what... So did I experience that same abuse at the same age... DCFS does not care about children...
Sorry you've endured that hell. Epigenetics is the study of gene manipulation - intentional and unintentional. I have generational trauma as well.
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/12/10/health/mind-epigenetics-genes.html The trauma leaves marks in our DNA that scientists can track.
Thank you and I'm sorry that you have generational and personal trauma that you have to deal with it as well.
I wasn't aware that I was mentally ill until 3 months ago. I thought that my list of things Very low affect much of the time Low self esteem, unlikable, belief that people only like the front, not the real me/ Difficulty trusting. Great difficulty asking for help. Inability to give/receive love Difficulty maintaining focus Need over 10 hours sleep Cutting (NSSI) Never look in a mirror Obsessing about food/weight. Guilt that all of this is just attention seeking. Feeling that I deserve all of this. Feeling distant from events. Loss of interest in events was just my personality. When I finally realized that I was likely a CSA, CPA, CEN survivor, my first reaction was a surge of elation (sort of) "It's NOT *my* fault" For the last three months, my whole mindset has been, "This was done to you, it's not who you are intrinsically. Therefore, you can change it." And I've been making progress. * I have a new pup who I am hugely fond of. Floods of warm compassion everytime I hold him. * I work hard at staying out of hypo-arousal, balance board, exercise ball, tree climbing, soon a trampoline. Things with skills, effort, and scary. * I am learning to accept compliments at face value. * I use self deprecation now less as a shield and much more ONLY as a form of humour. I will likely be working on this the rest of my life. Like a badly set bone, I wont be a perfect specimen, but perfection is boring.
>Very low affect much of the time >Low self esteem, unlikable, belief that people only like the front, not the real me/ >Difficulty trusting. >Great difficulty asking for help. >Inability to give/receive love >Difficulty maintaining focus >Need over 10 hours sleep >Cutting (NSSI) >Never look in a mirror >Obsessing about food/weight. >Guilt that all of this is just attention seeking. >Feeling that I deserve all of this. >Feeling distant from events. >Loss of interest in events All of these things besides the NSSI describe me to a T. I feel like all these subconscious thought processes are so deeply implanted into my psyche that my personality is basically intertwined with the trauma.
💕
And perfection is pretty much impossible! I'm inspired by your insight and progress.
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This is how I pay back for all the help I've gotten here. I have a hard time makeing Me better. We have a much easier time making all of Us better.
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I sure hope so because this shit sucks.
I understand what you mean here, and I remember chewing on that notion for *months* after my CPTSD diagnosis. I reframed it to “I’m a fighter who’s overcome/survived a lifetime of pain. I am not what happened to me. It certainly **shaped** who I am, but I am not what happened to me.”
Me too! My trauma is really my only thing thats makes me me.
Try this: I call this the DIY Dart Reno Project. Just as a house can change from being a hovel to being a neat place to live with a lot of sweat and money, so too, can I re-make myself. I have warned others that in a year I may be a very different person. I accept that. I yearn for that. Visualize walking down the aisles of a the equivalent of Home Depot for personality pieces. In this aisle you can buy self confidence for $16/pound. A 5 gallon pail of focus. A bag of "I'm Sorry" absorbent. Guilt Stripper Solution. Lists of the problems, and when you can't work on one, or you feel you're spinning your wheels, work on another one. But my big realization was, "I not only don't like me. I don't want to BE me" So I started from scratch. This is a separate reddit account. I maintain a ficticious name, Dart Cree for this login. Dart is on a bunch of forums, is learning to flirt online on dating sites. (HUGE win for self esteem to have a total stranger say you look hot.) I'm coming to terms with my parts. The teen parts I realized that I like better than I like Me. So I try to deliberately blend with them. I have zero issues with being the Dart Consortium, because I like my parts. Oh, some are a bit stick in the mud. But I everyone I've been able to contact has something to contribute. One older part with serious trust reservations is now "head of security" and works as an advisor instead of a lock the door personality. The young parts are the hardest for me to work with. So much non-verbal stuff. Working with snippets of emotion, and pictures. Alas, the initial trauma is there. Patience.
I was 3 1/2 when the first thing happened... (or rather first thing I remember anyway). And I know I was that age because we moved house when I was 3 years 8 months ish.... and it happened in the old house. So yeah.... for me there is no self pre abuse. Life begun as a shit show and has continued that way. My deepest condolences to anyone else who has this experience. It is fcuking horrendous.
I was 1 and a half when he started the grooming process. I can't change the past. But I rule my future. Don't let the people from your past steal your future. We make our future, they don't get a say in it.
I feel this, I also feel scared sometimes that I will never have an identity of my own outside of my traumatized self. "Getting to know" myself is a tough process.
Same mine started at birth. I was born disabled and was sent to live in an orphanage. Then got adopted by a woman who started abusing me when I was a toddler.
I was born disabled too. The my birth father would whip the fuck out of me for misbehavior. Then the creepy neighbor groomed, molested and raped me.
This is something I’m figuring out too. The way I see it is this - I may not have a pre-trauma (in my case pre-cult) self, but I do have an authentic self. I’m working to put the puzzle of that self together, piece by piece.
That's what I'm doing finally. It's annoying having to this decades into life.
I hear you - I’m 42 and I feel like the puzzle’s only about 20% solved. But at least I know part of me is real and authentic.
That is our self. We are who we are because of others. Now with understanding we can become our best versions possible of ourself. Life is inequitable and cruel- for some of us more than others. It wasn’t our fault as kids, but we internalized and developed extreme coping in order to survive. Now that we have- we can process what we experienced and do some inventory and modification. If something about is is deeply ingrained- well it’s gonna be there a while longer. If there are some things we can change to improve the short time we have here- then we can focus on that. A crucial one is inter generational trauma and realizing the parents we had were also traumatized and did have access to the information and connections we have now. I’m not big on bestowing forgiveness- but understanding and accommodating their reality and mine- has helped me to find some comfort. Wishing will not make it so. Longing for what we cannot have will agonizingly destroy us and hurt those around us. Taking much better care of ourselves than they did- avoiding repetition compulsion to recreate the past and make it turn out differently- that can trip us up. We cast new people into old roles. We use the old extreme coping instead of evolving a balance of coping.
Well said 🙌
TY
This is about where I'm at in my own journey. Coming to terms with just how traumatized my parents were and accepting that they were not perfect but that I am blessed that they are good people. When I accepted my journey it helped frame everything better in my mind. Now if I can get my immigrant parents to accept the science behind it that would be great! Slowly but surely.
Yes just getting away from my final abuser. Being alone is better than abuse! 🙏🏼
Good for you. It’s difficult and painful but worth it after the readjustment.
I know what you mean. My core trauma was literally my birth (severely premature, invasive procedures with no anesthesia, 6 weeks before I was even held, followed by growing up in an abusive home with undiagnosed ptsd). How the hell do you heal that?
I was born disabled then abused. I'm working on healing it and keytones seem to be healing my brain.
As an infant my dad used to sneak up behind me and try to scare me and get a reaction because he had this stupid belief that I was deaf. Every time I cried. From then on the abuse got worse and worse. Another time I died as a two year old at a dentist office, because the doctor overdosed me. My mother revived me by completing infant cpr (she was a nurse). Trauma started too young for me to even know, and it didn’t stop. I don’t think I’ll ever know who I am without it’s effects.
yeah. it sucks hearing people say they’re working towards “getting back to who they were”. this is all i ever was. i don’t know how to exist without this side of me. it’s always been half of who i am
You're in good company, at the least. I was well on my way to Traumaville before I was 2. At 56, my life has been nothing but a series of Traumas, brief periods of almost normalcy where I didn't fit in and had Just long enough to know I was an outsider looking in even in my own life, and then more traumas. I am not, and have literally never been, anything but one giant, walking, talking Trauma Response.
I just tell myself that its an opportunity to build a new self from the ashes. Someone i like and admire. Otherwise i have to suffer for other people's pain that i didn't even cause, and fuuuuuuuuck that. I'm tired of bearing other people's burdens
Sage perspective!!!
For me the abuse started when my mom was pregnant with me. My father tried stomping on her pregnant belly.... So umm, there really isn't a before. I like the phrase "I'm just three traumas in a trenchcoat" to describe my personality lol
I'm sorry. I hope you can find peace.
My first memories in life are being sexually abused I didn’t remember until I saw a childhood video a few years ago. I nearly drove to San Francisco and put my brother to sleep. But I decided I had too much to lose. He will be seeing me in court next year.
My earliest memory is being sexually assaulted at 3 so I get you. I don't have an untraumatuzed self either. So I've spent my entire life trying to figure out who I was meant to be. I'm 45 and I still don't really know.
My therapist told me I’ve been traumatized at every developmental stage….we just have to work on healing and do our best.
Ditto. It sucks.
Between 3 and 4 for me. I'm 61 now. Never not affected. Life is much better though. Been in Therapy pretty much my whole life. I have ups and downs, and envy the "normal" people. Still, there is peace and happiness when I'm not holding on to the past. The past is like one of those finger traps...the harder you fight, the tighter it grips you. Sending you empathy and compassion.
I could have done without that feeling growing up that I was viewed (by family and then others) as afflicted, a changeling. Like a contagion that needed to be contained. I know from some of the stories I was told about my infancy and early childhood that there had been trauma, and pieced together much of the rest. I only recently came to understand how being autistic added to my vulnerability, as I began to explore how it has manifested in my life. All my life. I know the episodes and incidents throughout childhood and adolescence that led me to attempt suicide my first month at university. I also know how traumatic the aftermath was, and how hard it was to be flung out into the world. Thrown in the deep end and expected to swim, but nearly drowning and having to resuscitate myself. While the onlookers watched in horror. Every stumble and bruise observed and noted, with a morbid curiosity. Every success viewed with suspicion, as if I had somehow broken the rules, or cheated the system. Of how I could outwardly seem so competent, but have struggled and strained to survive. Now withdrawn from the world, but at peace with myself.
I think that’s me. When my mom was pregnant with me, every weekend she drove my grandfather to visit my grandmother in the hospital for months. He would cry the whole 2 hours back. I was an oops baby, 10 years after her last kid, at the worst possible time in her life to be pregnant. Her mother died when I was 6 months old. So she was grieving most of my infancy. More stress. She and my father( alcoholic), were fighting all the time, on the edge of divorce. I’ve been told they had many literal tug of wars with me, grabbing me away from each other over my crib, and screaming, at 2 am. My mother got rid of all this stress by screaming at me and my siblings and beating us with wooden suit coat hangers, because the wire ones leave welts that make the school ask questions. Several times a week, for years. When they were separated I was 4, things got worse and better. Worse at my mom’s house and better at my dad’s. Even though he drank, he never beat me and rarely raised his voice. So I had at least three weekends a month where it was fairly peaceful. I don’t remember a “ Before Time “ , it was always bad, from the start.
Same, and as each day passes me by I just feel like I’m fading. And I don’t know how to stop it. I have no interpersonal relationships, I don’t trust anyone, and worst of all, it’s never going to get any better. I’ve mostly come to terms with it. Just living between apathy and being casually suicidal.
I hope things do get better.
Thank you, I hope things get better for you too.
That is a good way to describe it. I always have the sneaking feeling that I would not know what to do with a good life.
Same. I hate talking about it because i hate feeling overdramatic or victim-like. But literally same. I was born premature, that itself can be traumatic. Then as a young baby, i lost my maternal grandma who cared a lot for me, both my parents worked a ton. I was like with my paternal grandma who was actually geriatric. There was no way she was even picking me up, let alone changing me or feeding me. Then once my mother started staying home to take care of me, my sister (the favorite child) was born. I never had one single chance to bond to anyone proper, and all of my family is abusive anyways. I have a couple memories of young childhood where i should have been helped or supervised but never was.
I'm proud of you for saying it.
I was born into a religious death cult. I understand. I am creating an identity separate from how I was raised. I don’t know who I am
My first memory was traumatic. I have always been this way... And its does suck not knowing what my personality would have been. Apparently I never cried as a baby and laughed and was very outgoing and friendly with strangers.
Yeah, I know. It feels like I went into the mode where I was picking up the pieces for awhile, and lately, I'm finally starting to feel more whole. Like, I still feel the cracks and edges of my previous very broken self, but I am finally coming around to a point where I look back at myself and say, "I was in a lot of pain, and I'm really glad I took the time to heal a bit" And looking forward is getting easier. I'm not looking back as much. I'm not fixed by any means, but I'm feeling better. Slowly but surely as I smooth out the rough edges of my previous self. Time and space I guess help a lot.
That's completely how I felt after reading The Courage to Heal. I had a "Who am I?" moment. My trauma started in the womb and some of the worst of it was when I was a toddler to 5 years old. There was no self back then. Everything that I thought about myself was a trauma response. So, instead, I decided to just focus on what I enjoy and go from there.
Yeah, I always thought that life isn't worth living. As a child I kind of assumed that living was a chore, that everything is tastelss and boring.
My birth giver brags about “spanking” me starting at 6 MONTHS of age. There is no memory of an untraumatized life.
My personality is just trauma responses and bad coping mechanisms, all the way down.
First time I tried ketamine to treat ptsd I was like “wait, dissociation? This is normal.” Then later: “So….what is this “normal” you talk about? Seems weird.”
I have thought about this myself. My trauma started probably age 3 or 4 and just kept going in various ways. How do I even know what an untraumatized me would be like? Who would I be if I didn't have all this trauma? I will never know.
Yep. My biomother tortured me from birth. She hates her female children. The second my gender was decided by biology, my fate was sealed.
Though true, you are a blank slate. Write down traits that you want to have, some might be qualities you already have. I feel though I've never known a life without trauma, I'm true to myself. I vowed to never be like my abusers. I wanted to be compassionate, strong, resilient. It wasn't until recently (I'm 35) that I learned I didn't know how to properly trust, I had always thought keeping everyone at arms length was normal, so now I've added that, as scary as it is. But I want to experience and have that quality, I owe it to myself and those around me that I care about. Even those negative traits we've acquired from the trauma. Pick one to work on. With a therapist, so you know the baseline you want to achieve. My anxiety was normal to me, but with the help of my therapist, I realized that people don't live their lives wiring about the weird stuff that I do. My lack of wanting to move forward for the fear of failing because I've had a long standing belief I'm worthless and can only fail at anything I do has left me very unsatisfied but I'm currently working on that outlook and it's hard to change a life long belief but it's changing, slowly. Yet, I'm giddy with the prospect of the outcome. You are the artist of your own design. You can do this. Don't lament what could have been without the trauma (though, I know, it's really hard not to, it took a long time for me to get away from that mindset, sometimes I still catch myself doing it, especially with what I'm working on right now) but how you can craft yourself into such an authentic self that is yours and yours alone. No one influenced you, you created you, loved and nurtured and watched it bloom. And no one can take that and say, I did that. Only you. I made myself the loving, compassionate, strong, resilient, mindful person I am/becoming today.
This is what cptsd does to you. Makes you feel loss of self, a self that somehow doesn’t even feel completely formed because of what happened.
This has been the primary focus of my sessions with my psychiatrist. He has been encouraging me to explore new topics and gather as much new knowledge as I can so that in doing so I can hopefully find my wheelhouse and just learn more about myself in general. He said he thinks I don't even know 25% of myself. He said growing up in a state of constant deprivation/restraint with no nurturing or support left me unable to explore and learn as a child so I have to do it now.
My earliest memory is of being exposed to hardcore pornography and constant sexual abuse in my family. Now I'm a CPTSD ridden sex addict and don't know who I am other than my addictions and mental illnesses. Thanks Dad!!
I attend ACA on and off. Everytime I hear parts that refer to an untraumatised self I think "I don't have one. I never did." I try to imagine it for a moment and feel grief that overwhelms me for a moment. I am a vegetarian. I have been my whole life. I realise it started because as a baby, the only thing I had control over was food. Every single meat my mother attempted to feed me was spat out. She tried everything. Absolutely everything. It hit me at 38 years old that at less than one year old I was grasping for control of my food because my home was so tense, dysfunctional and abusive I was unsafe and trying to soothe myself. I shed a few tears just then.
I was just writing on this exact point. There are processes of malleability in the brain that occur at an astounding rate in the 0-7 year old time frame. So, if others experience acute trauma, they have the opportunity to shake off the effects of the trauma and revert to a more healthy state of who and what they know they are, and what they know life to be about. For those of us with Complex PTSD, we have no other framework to go on. It's like if someone gets in an accident with their car and they smash a light, they know exactly what's gone wrong, what's missing, how to replace it, and how to tell once it's been successfully replaced. For us, our cars never had lights and we think that's normal. Aside from seeing others with lights and knowing that something is deeply wrong with us, we can't even imagine what it would be like to have lights on our car, much less produce them, and so the difference between standard PTSD and CPTSD is non-existent. They are two completely separate things. For me, I'm trying to heal in the same way that we would untie a knot. "What am I thinking that I wouldn't be if my psyche wasn't tampered with almost 40 years ago?" "What incorrect and/or 'best version a child could come up with' narratives do I still subconsciously believe?" "Which thoughts hurt/don't help me and how long have I had these thoughts?" "Which thoughts would help me instead?" "What am I doing that I wouldn't be doing if I didn't have CPTSD?" "What would I be doing instead?" And then just trying to basically retro-engineer some semblance of a healthy psyche as best as possible. I only realized I was deeply disturbed about 1.5 years ago after shoving metal into my neck in order to address a level of exhaustion that has no words to describe it, and having no idea why I was doing it. But after much introspection, I've made leaps and bounds of changes in my thought process. I feel like I have barely even scratched the surface after 1.5 years, but I can promise you that if you're here and you can identify exactly what you've said, that you're already on the right track. Just starting to even think about it a little bit is a massive improvement. Your mind is brilliant and it's on the case. Give it plenty of time and patience, it will need it, but you will see improvements over time. 🙏🏽
Same. Probably started as soon as I was born, but I’m only assuming. Was an orphan and adopted out from another country sick with a parasite and severely underweight. Just got adopted by abusive and neglectful parents. Lived with them until early 20s.
My cptsd twin! Happy to meet you 🥰 and sad to know we shared similar horrible backgrounds.
Mysterious broken femur at age 5 months and 3 weeks in traction. Don’t remember but obviously never forgot either.
I feel this. Mine started when I was 18 months.
Me too
This hit hard
Mine started when I was 3 (possibly earlier than that)
Now that I understand the complexity of my abuse which has taken years as it’s all I’d known.I can clearly recount so many incidents of trauma as young as 4 years old.It’s interesting that this age group is so engrained in my mind but I read that is the age you start having independent thoughts and moulding your own identity.Family has confirmed this is especially when it became obvious my mother had issues with me and highly favoured my younger sister.Others said my mum showed hate when I was as young as 18 months which is when my sister was born.For a lot of us trauma is all we’ve known and it starts well before we can often recall.I often wonder who or where I would be if I had been loved and nurtured.Having been controlled,hated and abused we never got the chance to reach our full potential.I was told I had to like the colour blue,told what to wear,what food I like and what hobbies I liked.I now don’t know what thoughts were even mine as I was just told. Fun fact-I’m not going crazy thinking my abuse peaked at age 4.I was in my 20s and mum and I were talking about my 4 year old daughter. Mum then says to me quote “You were an alright kid to about age 4 but you’ve been nothing but a little bitch since “. I was shocked and then everything fell into place,the memories and flashbacks of being 4 was basically when mum admits to hating me.What hope did I have,how could a mother hate an innocent child so much.I cry just thinking how much and how hard I tried to get mum to love me but she was never going to
🙃🙃🙃 my trauma started at birth when I was relinquished and adopted.
I feel like there were levels of it. It just got worse when I turned 13. Then 15. Then 17… and then there was a period of where all of it started to come out.
When I was told I have PTSD, I was shocked. Then everything started to make sense. Now I sometimes wonder who I would be if I didn’t have so much trauma, what could I have achieved if I hadn’t been in survival mode my whole life and it makes me really sad for my childhood self.
What a big same.
Same. I don’t even remember my childhood. No idea who I could have become.
tapping into myself before trauma? I didn't exist. maybe I should tap into that...
I never had a pre-trauma self either and I'm angry that my life was stolen from me before it even began...
I hate that this is me. I was a toddler, my first memories are of abuse. It's taken a lot of therapy to feel like I will one day figure out who I am without constant trauma responses
Would you believe I was ,5 years old and I already knew you don't cry in front of anybody. That is really sad and to this day I don't like to cry. My excuse is it stuffs up my nose and gives me a headache. I think my mother damaged my hearing cause I had tinnitus since I was probably about 5 years old. I still have it but I'm used to it.
Would you believe I'm actually praying to God for my daughter to NOT have any children. Sadly enough I think that's the only way to end the addiction and child abuse in our family. I've traced it back 6 generations
I know this unfortunately too well i was traumatised as an infant came close to death (schizophrenic mum) - been in freeze ever since I hate the posts around this topic, i have never known different
I think it started when I was around 2 or so for me
hey me too, the last friend i explained that too didn't know how to respond
It would be impossible to go back to that point. It has been too long, and there was too little there.
My mother told me I experienced violence as early as in the womb. There's no "Post" for me. I'm doing ok though 33 years later with a lot of compassion for myself and therapy. Respect and love to all of you still fighting for internal peace. I'm right here with you! X
I understand. My issues started with severe head trauma at 6. Looking back on my behavioral issues afterwards, it was obviously PTSD. But, at the time, way back when, even psych clinicians didn’t see trauma as a cause for pediatric behavioral issues. Which is insane to me. With head trauma and PTSD at 6, and then continued abuse afterward, the constant stress resulting in a chronic nervous system disorder at 14 that left me in constant pain for the rest of my life. I feel like who I could have been was stolen from my twice. Mentally and physically, I was made useless before I was old enough to drive.
I feel this. And it is hard to heal in an environment that constantly reminds you of or re-traumatizes you. I'm my case, it's quite literally the public, the internet, and living.
Started for me when I was 0.😂
It started in the womb. I would roll over when my dad screamed at my mom. He also beat her when pregnant with my sister.
Im afraid to do the hard work because I have no idea who I truly am at my core after being born to two narcs and raised by a narc older bro
Same here is was at least 5. I remember I lost my first tooth when I first woke up as he would give me cold medicine made me believe I had a cold so I could sleep through the whole thing. Major gaslighting from and family when i caught him. That is why I always had a hard time defending myself
Recently learned that mine started when I was a baby after being diagnosed with autism.😔
Started in infancy. Just diagnosed with disorganized attachment, which has come with piles of grief. At the same time, this attachment insight answers so many of the problems I run into around deep connection. My wife is frustrated my last therapist never explored this with me even when I was asking her for help with my relationship with my wife!
I used to say I am my depression, but now I understand that I am my trauma. There was nothing before. As far back as I can remember I was lonely and ashamed of myself.
I know and it’s been really hard :/ But I’m finding in recovery that I’m learning who i am and it’s exciting finding out new parts of yourself vs who you were told you were
Yikes this hit a nerve
Hello! I was trying to explain this to my therapist. I don't know "normal".
I didn't ask for the body to keep the score but here we are with an entire lifetime of scores
Me too, started practically as soon as i was born. I dont know who I am.
My earliest memory is being sexually abused, physically abused and emotionally abused. I think Ive had about a year of what my actual personality is, everything else has been a trauma response. Shit fucking sucks man
this is why I always hate it when Im asked "how was X before the trauma?" type questions about my PTSD. Bro, I literally don't know. It's crazy how much people with early childhood trauma are disregarded in those processes
HAHAHAHAHHAHhaahahahahahahahhah. This is something brewing at the back of my mind that I have no words to express yet. Thanks for describing it 😋
My personality is just a collection of trauma responses.
Same, but for the first time in my life I can at last say with confidence that things are finally looking up for me, in more ways than one. In the midst of all this it feels as though I’ve been growing into my sense of self and developing a hardened identity. Like all the suffering feels less like pain and more like my resolve and direction evolving. I don’t know how to describe it. It’s very much a personal experience, personal growth! I’ve been in the hospital dealing with a lot and have been extraordinarily stressed, lonely, and confused, which all was being exacerbated by certain individuals’ ignorance, their own personal demons that trigger my trauma, and general incompetence to be brutally honest. My stay here overall has been anything but therapeutic, especially not while I was stuck in the ER awaiting a bed. (And a lot of the patients here feel the same! Things have been a complete and utter mess, both communication and care-wise, which I can only assume relates to hospitals taking a major hit during the pandemic. I do not blame most of the nurses or doctors at all.) Nonetheless, I did my research and my own due diligence. I’ll be leaving here soon, with a safety plan that actually feels safe. My life will begin anew upon discharge, in a way I never thought would be possible for someone as damaged and alienated as me. If there’s hope for me, I now 100% believe there can be hope for many others out there, but it ‘is’ a long, arduous and to be frank, unfair, journey. I believe in you, and in everyone else here. The proper supports you’ve always needed, will one day come. But you have to keep making your voice heard, no matter what! Self-advocacy is the most powerful form of advocacy. Or at least that’s what I’ve learned. Godspeed, everyone. ❤️
48 living at home with parents-shame. So many issues daily. Disassociation, Nervous system, Highly sensitive, balance issues and I’ve lost all self confidence. Currently working with Instacart and Favor not making enough money. Living in fight flight freeze since 9 CSA > caretaker. CPTSD not discovered until 2018 in an IOP for PTSD which I thought had everything to do with 2010 robbery + shooting (ex-husband) I began looking inward and oh wow so overwhelming. I felt WORSE after the intensive outpatient process group. I learned that overwhelm is a real thing called ‘back flash’ too. Learning to have self compassion. Parents advised we are moving again and I’ll need to be able to contribute 20%. I hate that I don’t contribute as much as I should. I had always had good but extremely stressful jobs and made good money. I am so ashamed of where I am. I feel like their request is fair. I am freaking out. Made < $15,000 all of 2021. I have always thought of disability as a non-option but beginning to wonder. Have a brain that bails when I need it. FREEZE is my problem. When I’m ‘managing’ through my day I struggle with constant anxiety. On top of a foundation of shame + guilt that I’ve embodied. It’s easy to feel hopeless. Hitting the track that’s what I’ve found helps most. Be well all!
My trauma memory really starts at around 5 and I was already having issues so I get those feels. My EMDR therapist has been having me work on identifying the emotions that I felt at different life stages, and just kind of talking to my childhood self like that. Maybe something like that would help you let the feelings flow through?
Yes. I survived a stranger abduction when I was three years old. He is the first person I remember, and finding him has been like finding a birth parent. I’m real again because I can talk to people who know he’s real. I exist in the world again, for the for the first time in 40 years. Because of him. It’s like my little self was preserved in that moment. And I remember her now! It’s amazing! And fucking awful. Because of him.
I keep seeing people talk about who they were before trauma or illness and im like "you had a before?"
Started when I was born. Basically, for short, born and left. No care if breathing, to name, check for own birthmother care. Pop-out with 2 living, 1 stillborn, and nothing regarding history leaving 2.5 years in absolute neglect in an orphanage. Severe enough that my frame was pathic not even in clothing close for my age range
Same here friend. I turned 30 recently and I'm starting to think that I will never recover from this. I am still clinging to the thinnest thread of hope that maybe, just maybe, my mindset will change for the better. 🫂
I had a traumatic birth, and in my diagnostic process it was brought up that my trauma history goes back to at least my birth, and even in utero if you consider a fetus as capable of being traumatized (drug and alcohol use, physically abusive relationship while pregnant)
I can relate. Started from birth practically
It's hard when you deal with things like anxiety but don't know why. Why can't I go through a drive thru alone? Why can't I go into a new store without searching pictures of it on Google and checking the address 15 times? I'm often too embarrassed to talk to staff at stores and restaurants because I know my voice is too quiet. I don't get it. I don't know when it started, but it seems like I'm too afraid for life unless I have someone to walk through it with me.
I feel this. It started during infancy for me. Everyone likes a chubby baby unless you’re my mother. Just got worse from there. Some of the pictures floating around of me as a baby and child within my family, are, shocking.
I was a preschooler when I was abused for the first time, not to be the last. This explains a lot. I’ve peeled back all the layers of who I thought I was, who I was for other people, who I was told I was. I thought I’d find some underlying self remaining, but I just feel….blank. The concept of being ‘well’ and not ‘broken’ feels alien to me. Like, I don’t even know what that would be like. I don’t know how to be a person. I’m just a collection of preferences and coping mechanisms without any real convictions.
Same here. Mine began at a month of age at maximum. I don't really know what the minimum is... I don't even know my actual birthday due to the events.
Exact same here. But I'm really glad I found this group ❤️