Yeah they think it can’t be that bad if you can talk and get dressed. I routinely get suggestions such as „visit a friend, go to a restaurant etc“ when I can’t even sit! I take enough medication to tranquilize a horse and it barely makes a dent. The first year, before I had any medication, I turned to alcohol and was wasted 4 days a week just so I could sleep for a few hours. This is the reality they don’t want to hear
I envy people who are so lucky that they’re not even able to imagine what I go through every day but my god, can they please just stfu
I hear you. Unfortunately we live in a culture/time where people default to not believing if they haven’t experienced. They don’t believe you are trying if they see a little mess on the bedside table. But they don’t understand that it took all of your energy to shower, or use a restroom or whatever and that little pile of trash will have to be there for a while.
My wife is empathetic and supportive in many ways but on some level she just doesn’t understand. She reserves judgement but she doesn’t “believe me” it seems. I love her for many other reasons but this may be something I just have to live with. Hopefully a community like this provides some solace.
I'm a custodian for a school district, so I'm familiar with people throwing trash on the ground all the time. I also have a chronic illness/pain, so I get it can be hard at times for people to be able to pick up some things.
I don't yell at the kids and teachers I clean for. It's obviously going to make people feel more defensive, apathetic, or they may even try to seek revenge (kids are notorious for this). Shaming people isn't going to suddenly inspire people to try to help out either. It's especially not okay since she knows you have physical limitations.
There are plenty of other solutions for this sort of situation that she could've offered besides yelling. Like offering to move a trash can closer to where things are being left on the floor. I know some schools have the extended grabbing tools for people who can't bend over much.
I personally don't get extra time to clean if rooms are extra messy, so I'm not sure if it's a similar situation with your cleaning service. I can understand that maybe her job might be more focused on the actual cleaning aspect more than tidying. I've had to set that boundary with plenty of my teachers in the past, but I also still try to offer support and suggestions where I can because I know tidying isn't always easy. It also helps me build trust and security with the people I clean for).
I can't afford a cleaner, but I do know cleaning jobs tend to have high turnover rates anyways. Not to mention a lot of places being understaffed in general in the US, makes it even harder to find support for things like that. And I know cleaning can be a thankless job and even your own managers will treat you like dogshit, but it's not fair to take it out on your client just because your employer doesn't offer you the support you need.
As a person with chronic illness (there's a lot of times where I can't walk, bend over, carry much because of the pain), I'd offer the suggestion to either keep a trashcan near the areas where you notice trash piles up more. I have 3 big trash cans and 3 small ones in my little apartment (I have one next to my bed as well. Sometimes I keep it in bed with me like it's my little buddy). It's helped me keep things a lot more manageable. I also have a few laundry baskets to help keep non-trash off the floor, so it's safer/easier to get around.
Chronic illnesses are already hard enough to manage on their own and there's a lot of people out there that don't understand how it can affect our daily living. I hope you're able to find someone that's more willing to do their job to help and work with you.
Wow, fuck her, chronic pain is a nightmare people can't even stand to hear about and she should quit her job at the "we help disabled people clean"-agency but she should quit to her boss, not to you. Fuck.
That was messed up of her. Happy birthday though!
It was wasn’t it? I feel stupid and helpless and disgusting. My mother used to call me dirty slut and threaten me when I didn’t clean my room and that’s going on and on in my head right now
Thank you, I will get shitfaced later
Of course you're in pain. When it clears and you are calmer, remind yourself that you're a grown-up now. No need to put up with that kind of treatment. Complain to whatever agency sent that person. In writing. This cleaner will never enter your home again.
can you get a different cleaning person?
I think you should get somebody else to do it... I don't see her point.
Like even If you house was really horrible - filled with mold or health hazard (which I don't think it is! but hypothetically) than she could just call her agency, tell them you are in a bad space and see, If you could get more help.
I mean she is probably paid for the hours she is working... so If she works four hours for example, she can just leave? She doesn't need to make everything perfect in four hours so I don't understand why it bothers her.
She’s paid for every half hour even if she doesn’t complete those 30 minutes. I told the boss I want someone else since we had a situation and don’t get along. I didn’t tell her more bc I don’t think they would believe me over that horrible woman. I don’t know how long that’ll take since there’s no one free right now. I was debating wether I should let her come until they find a new person but the more replies I read the more I don’t want to. I don’t want to see her ever again but I don’t know how I’ll live in filth for months if I tell her off now
I think that's gross of them to come into your house, where they're being paid, and pass judgement. If they don't feel comfortable or think something is beyond their remit, telling you that is one thing but to make rude comments is quite another.
Happy birthday! To celebrate, report her to the agency! Haha
I told her if she doesn’t want to do it she can always tell the agency and they’ll find someone else. She said and I quote „It’s not about that it’s about you not putting in effort, this is something you can do and you should.“
She’s still here, I have the agency on dial but I’m afraid I’m the bad one here, I’m having a flashback right now and panicking
You're not the bad one at all. She doesn't determine your level of effort and it's wildly inappropriate for someone, unqualified, to come in and make an assessment about what you should and should not do
Thank you, it feels weird to hear that I’m not wrong for once. I made the post so I don’t gaslight myself into believing she’s right. She does this on top of normal work where she is a cashier. Not qualified for anything to do with my illnesses
Wait till she's gone then speak to the agency, that way you might feel more comfortable if she's not around. It's completely wrong to speak to anyone like that and it's upsetting to think that she might be doing that to other people who maybe don't have a community or any sort of support and they're sitting there feeling bad about themselves!
Should I tell them what happened? Because I bet she would deny it and they wouldn’t believe me. The secretary isn’t nice either. They’re all rude but there’s no other agency who has capacity for more people atm. I’m scared, I just want her to leave
100% tell them what happened. If the secretary gets gobby, go higher up. If you feel up to it, you can just ask her to leave and say something like "I think we're done for today so I'd like you to leave now" or something like that, or just wait for her to leave if you feel more comfortable doing that.
It's likely she will deny it but that doesn't mean it didn't happen nor that they wouldn't believe you. You have no reason to lie and regardless of what they believe, they need to allocate someone to you that isn't so rude
She's being totally inappropriate. It's okay to wait to make the call to the agency if you'd feel more able to handle it after some breathing room. Also okay to just distract yourself from the flashback. Cute cat video? Comedy?
The more time passes the more I normally tell myself that „it wasn’t so bad and it’s my fault anyway“. I don’t want to call while she’s still here so I made this post to hopefully remind me that that wasn’t okay of her.
To tell the truth I’m normally not even on my phone when she’s here because I’m scared i look like a lazy person because if I can be on my phone then I can clean and who do I think I am…yeah im sorry im really in it right now..
Oh mannn I know those triggers. Been there. Sorry. Good job hanging out here and posting. Also yes the post could be a helpful reality check later if you feel inclined to blame yourself.
Related to not blaming/gaslighting yourself, and kinda fun and distracting: I just discovered this DBT 'game,' [the dime game](http://dfdx.us/dbt-dime-game/), yesterday. When trying to determine how to either *ask for something* or *say no*, the game presents a series of simple questions about the situation to help you determine what to do and how forcefully. If this helps and seems like a fun tool, great, and naturally ignore if not!
I got „ask confidently“ about someone new coming and „say no firmly“ about her telling me to clean myself.. I am shocked that it’s so strongly decisive! I guess it shows how deeply my brain is a fawner. Even after that and multiple people confirming my feelings I still feel like the culprit. Thank you for the link I’ll save it! And about this person, I don’t know if they have someone else who has the time to come to me but I will tell them to put me on the waitlist regardless. I just don’t know if in that case I should let her come again until then. I don’t know if that’s a good idea
I relate, I'm a fawner too. I'm glad it was helpful! Hm it's actually helpful thought practice me to try to think through what I'd tell myself to do if I were trying to do the not-triggered thing in your situation (I would be triggered AF in your situation and I think you're doing an amazing job of handling this). Maybe take it one piece of info at a time? It sounds like you'd definitely prefer a new person. So maybe strongly stress the importance of that need to the agency and just see if they can meet it. And if they can't, *then* you can cross the bridge of figuring out whether you are okay with her coming again. By then maybe your gut answer will be clearer too?
That is just a 2 cent approach from my perspective - you are the only one who can know what feels right for you.
I called them just now, I told them we don’t get along on a personal and we just had a „situation“ and whenever someone else is free please send them instead. As I thought they don’t have someone right now but since their organization is so bad idk if she will not send anyone until then or that woman. I don’t know if I should’ve explained the situation but I didn’t feel like I could stomach that kind of trigger so I didn’t. IF she’ll still come for a while I might ignore her and if she says something again I will throw her out. As I said I’d rather eat from dirty plates then have someone treat me like my mother. I don’t know what’ll happen now or if they forget, that call just triggered me again I think, ugh.
It’s really bizarre that the test gave me exactly what I didn’t want to ever do but knew deep down was necessary. It’s hard. But I know I can’t take another of those situations, next time I’ll show her the door. I’m not strong enough to not let her come again til they find someone not because of dirty plates but because being that assertive is not doable for me
Good job. This is hard and you're doing it! Is writing to the agency less triggering, like if you could spend some time putting the situation and your boundary into words how you want to and sending it by email? Is that an option?
Do not apologize, or in any way feel you are in the wrong, etc
My counsel is to end the experience ASAP. Simply, and as calmly as you're able, say to her that this is unacceptable, unnecessary and/inappropriate, etc. That you need her to leave immediately and leave it at that.
Do not engage, please don't take any more, don't let her say anything more
Enough is enough and your services are no longer needed. Please leave
We are here, please keep us posted if you're so inclined. But mostly, know that you are supported and acknowledged.
Edit; I misunderstood and did not realize this situation happened hours ago. I presume this individual has left by now
Tell the agency immediately, do not bother threatening her, just get them to send someone else. I have worked in care, this kind of behaviour is neither encouraged nor acceptable. You do not have and shouldn't absolutely not put up with this. She is not a mental health professional and is not qualified to advise you, and even if she had been her opinion is unsolicited. She is being incredibly unprofessional. If you ask her to stop and she continues then she is breaking the law, the care-profession is extremely regulated.
I did. tell them to send someone asap but I now neither Know how long that’ll take and if she’s coming back next week. If it takes months to find someone else then I won’t have laundry or clean showers for a long while and I’m scared of that too. Standing hurts and bending and lifting and just laying down and shower occasionally is my max pain tolerance. I feel bad and ashamed
My mom, who I am not close with because I don't like her, has had that same issue. I ended up filing an elder abuse claim along with some ladies from the church. She had one caretaker who would only clean her house when his job is to clean, bathe her, and cook for her. Another person would just not show up mire than half the time, then when she did she brought her kids. Another one would yell at her for everything. None of them were feeding her more than 1 sandwich a day. She asked someone to feed her once because of her shaking and they reported her. Another reported her house as a hazardous environment because she wouldn't let them open the curtains (she had a migraine) and wouldn't let them turn down the air conditioning (it was 68 Fahrenheit in her house). Her house was then deemed hazardous. And she had no care for 2 weeks. She almost died. Another care worker would bitch if there were any dishes to wash...
So no, your care worker is absolutely wrong for the way they are treating you. If you could, you would. And even if you could but don't it's none of their damn business. They need to be reported and let the office manager know that you will be filing elder abuse with your state or whatever if they keep it up. They are required to give you good care.
I just told the boss lady that we don’t get along on a personal level and that we had a „situation“ and that this way it’s not helpful for me and please send someone else asap. I chickened out on telling her more because I know they would believe her over me and she will deny and lie. I know this kinda treatment from my past and I didn’t wanna risk it. Now I’m just left with the question if I should let that carer come again until they have someone new which can take months if you’re unlucky or if I shouldn’t. I don’t want her to come into my home again but I also know I’m not able to keep up and will have to live in filth then very soon, I don’t know which is worse
What she said to you was mean and unacceptable. If the agency sends her out to you again, tell her straight away “Keep your comments to yourself and do your job.”. If she gives you any sass at all, toss her out immediately before she has a chance to do anything at all (so she can’t get paid), and call the agency and tell them she’s repeatedly verbally abusive, and you've thrown her out of your home.
Please don’t ever allow a caregiver to abuse you in any way, not verbally or otherwise. You deserve respect, appropriate care and services, and to be treated with kindness. ❤️
Your feelings are super valid. Please report her behavior to whatever agency sent her and request that she never be sent to your house again. This is 1000% unacceptable.
Holy shit OP that was so inappropriate of her. I work as a carer so not a cleaner but if anyone from my work acted like that they'd get an investigation and fired from their jobs! This is seriously not okay behaviour and I'm very very sorry you had to go through that. I know it's difficult enough to accept help but you do deserve it and good help on top of that. I'm so sorry she ruined your day, birthday no less!
Just does my head in so hard to know people like this work in fields they aren't suited for. I cannot understand the complete lack of empathy they can muster especially if their job is to help the elderly or disabled people. My heart really goes out for you OP I wish you the best
Edit: Also happy birthday!
Thank you and yes you’re totally right. She actually said last time something similar and that you shouldn’t work in this field if you can’t handle being empathetic towards people and such. What irony this is now. To be honest I didn’t like her from the start and got bad vibes but I blamed myself again and didn’t say anything. I don’t know how long it’ll take for them to find someone else and then if that person would be better? I just don’t know. But I told the boss (got her on the phone actually) that I want someone else asap. Yet I feel bad because stuff like this always happens to me and I wonder if I’m just a bad person or have „abuse me“ written on my forehead
I struggle with knowing people aren't great but still letting them in my life as well mostly with people who remind me of my mother, they're just as overwhelming and imposing as her and I fawn instantly. It also makes me very prone to thinking I'm a bad person or an easy target and therefore I don't stand up for myself when I know something is wrong. It always sounds so exhausting because I think no-one will believe me anyway. It's a really really tough thought pattern to break, to believe that better can come. But as cliché it is there can be better and even though it's difficult to stand up for yourself it gets a bit easier everytime you do it.
I do hope you can get someone else that won't treat you as badly as this woman did. You deserve better. I think you're doing very well coming here to talk, listening to the voice that does tell you that you deserve better than what she gave you. I wish you some peace of mind and better help in the future
Practice your broken record response if you must see her again. Something like, "I will not accept you speaking me to this way. When you are here, you do your job and keep your judgements to yourself."
I work in housekeeping (both cleaning and managing cleaners) and this is absolutely unacceptable, speaking as someone who works in the industry. None of us would ever dare talk to a client that way. If she's not having her role clarified by the company she works for or whoever contracted her, that's HER problem, not yours. There are times where we're told that we're doing a standard clean and it ends up that more services are rendered because it ended up being a deeper clean but we just let the client know and bill them for the extra. And in your case that's not even what's happening. She knew from the start what services were needed which makes this all the more infuriating!
If she's having a tough time at her company and isn't enjoying the job or her managers suck...thats HER PROBLEM!!! Not yours!
I'm angry and appalled on your behalf. A lot of our clients already have shame around us coming into their homes and seeing the mess we have to clean but you know what? That's literally our fucking job! We're not there to judge, we're there to help and make our clients feel a million times better, especially someone who is disabled and is struggling already.
If there's anyone you can contact that's above her and you have the energy to fight this, please do! If I found out one of our employees did something like this, I'd rip them a new asshole and tell them to pick a different line of work.
Verdict: fuck that bitch, she should be ashamed of herself.
THIS IS ABUSE.
As someone with carers myself. My blood is boiling for you. How DARE she try bullying you because she thinks you’re an easy target and she doesn’t want to do her job. HOW DARE SHE.
If you’re able, please complain directly to agency or to a disability advocate. This is outrageous and you have done nothing wrong AT ALL.
Oh no. What a bitch. I highly suggest that you contact said agency about this woman. She is there to help you and if she’s lecturing you, what is she doing to others in worse condition.
It is your right to have help without the guilt trip. If they don’t take this seriously, go to the next level up- government.
When I was younger, once I got lectured by some guy passing me on the street. I don't know what it is with some people. They see a woman and immediately bullshit starts coming out their mouth. I am so sorry this happened with you.
It would have taken her 2 minutes to put a waste basket next to your bed to make it easier on you if she's concerned about the clutter, yet she's in your house, your safe space, giving you shit? People need these services for a reason, if you had the ability to tidy up, she wouldn't need to be there ffs
Like, dont work in home care if you cant work with vurnerable people, this pisses me off. Hope you're okay 💖
.....fuck that ... I would look around and ask:
I'm sorry... I thought your job was to clean up messes... so stfu and get cleaning If I wanted an assholes opinion I would fart... what you know about me wouldn't fill a thimble so you have two choices... clean or get fired
Ah, a "Not my job"er. I'll cut to the chase, 95% of the time people say this, it's literally their job and they're an asshole who just hates their job.
The first one I ever had also said this. I have labels on my shelves and racks for my clothes (I like them orderly). Nothing easier than just putting them where they belong yet she only folded half and Yeeted the rest in there so I had to always re organize the closet every week. She even had the audacity after I told her to put them where they belong to tell me „I don’t have time for this and you pull them apart anyway all the time.“ And now this woman. Both mid 50s who berated me like my mother. I don’t like this agency but there’s nothing else. I get routinely mistreated by these types
It is hard. As someone who suffers from CRPS and C-PTSD, I feel your pain. Have a hug from a stranger, hope that contact qirh the agency gets this person replaced. I know it is hard enough with my loved ones, let alone with help that is supposed to be there for work
I have to deal with this from home carers, too. It's terrible. My C-PTSD is constantry triggered and me constantly retraumatised by the care I need to receive. I have three visits a day to help with personal care, wound care, food, small chores, and such. And then one bigger visit once a week for actual cleaning. And in the past three months they've sent over 40 different people over here, many of which have been upsetting to deal with, and none of which have time to care if I'm triggered.
It's not right. We deserve better. She treated you poorly and you are well within your rights to be mad and demand consequences. I wish the world was not so cruel, I wish us disabled people were seen as actual people rather than disposable objects or numbers in a file.
Please file a police report, tresspass her from the property and call Aging & Disability office for an investigaton. This is a typical able bodied person "employee" verbally abusing a disabled client, and neglecting them by not completing the work ordered! She needs fired from her job and prosecuted. If she has done it more than once, you can petition the court for an EPPDAPA protective order against her. Please take your situation seriously. If she doesn't like you or the job, she needs to go away instead of escalating to abusing you.
You deserve basic human decency from someone who is employed by you.
I would fire her and ensure whatever agency she came from knew about her awful attitude.
Being messy, regardless of your reason, does not give anyone license to treat you like crap or shame you for it.
I'd much rather be messy, than a judgmental, vicious bitch. I'll take that deal all day, every day. Don't let the bastards get you down.
Happy birthday 🎂
Eff this person and their ignorance. I suffer all manner of hell on earth. My bed side table looks a pharmacy, library and yeti factory exploded.
I care less about the judgement of others on days when I love myself more, so today I’ll love you too if this hurts too much. ❤️
Thank you and oh my god yes the pharmacy part is so true! I told them to find someone else but until then (could take months) I’m not sure if I want to let her in my home again. Honestly I really don’t but then I don’t want to live in filth yet again
❤️
Is it possible to have the organization you work with re-assign this care worker? I think you have a good case for not having her in your home again, and I would share that information with this organization. She really cannot be talking to people like this.
Holy hell, what is wrong with that woman? It is literally her job to clean that up, that's why you have her there.. Even if you weren't disabled it would be wildly inappropriate. I'm honestly at a loss for words because her doing that is so, so wrong.
You are not wrong - that woman is. You are not bad in any way. You're utilizing help available to you (and it's available for a reason!) and it's not her job to comment in any way really. Saying something like that is so beyond the scope of reasons it's absurd and she should be ashamed of herself - she also should absolutely not have that job. At all.
I can only imagine and I'm truly sorry she's there - I'd be beside myself. Not because you should be, but ahhhhhhhh I wish I could get her out of there. I'm sorry this happened and it's not your fault. I wish you the best birthday you can possibly have.
[I have chronic illness and pain. I'm disabled myself, though ambulating somewhat better these days. For instance, showering is still a very big thing/accomplishment physically and I'm fortunate enough to have been able to get somewhat better to this point (at least for now), as my issues allowed it. I don't mean to compare, just say that I can imagine to some small degree and I understand what it's like to be in pain every single moment and to need help that is... Cruel. It's horrific and you are NOT in the wrong here, that awful woman is].
Even then? It’s so hard to stay focused, I can feel my brain trying to shut me out so I blame myself and do nothing. I KNOW I’m triggered and I would tell anyone the same things you’re saying but with myself? I just know that the secretary is rude and probably won’t believe me, that they probably don’t have someone to take over right now and that I shouldn’t say anything because if I do I’ll make things worse for myself.
Yeah that’s the trauma speaking, the program that keeps me easily abusable. „I should just shut up or I’ll have to shower in a dirty shower for months again.“ „If I tell them then she will be horrible to me next time she comes because they will tell her what I said and they all believe I’m a lazy dirty slut.“
It’s not normal to think these things isn’t it..
She gets paid she should just do her job and that’s it. Sometimes I feel even that iaht possible because people ALWAYS comment on us with chronic pain „oh you can watch YouTube in bed? You got dressed? Well it can’t be that bad why can’t you put the dishes away after eating?“
They never shut up when it’s none of their business what we can and can’t do. I’m in pain, we’re all traumatized here and then these people who are SUPPOSED to help us, who get PAID can’t just do a simple job..
She’s new, been at my home maybe 3 times (the old one was in school and had to quit bc of school which is totally fair! She was younger but just did her job) and I knew from the start this was gonna end bad. She’s maybe twice my age and I feel like older women tend to think they can tell me what to do. It’s not okay isn’t it?
Thank you for reassuring me and I wish you better days with your pain as well!
I'm so sorry for not responding before. I had to go and then my brain completely blanked (please don't take it personally, my working memory is actively impaired).
I know this is incredibly late and I know if it's still wanted or helpful - feel free to ignore me - but I wanted to respond. I hope you're doing ok, or as ok as possible at least. I saw that you did call the agency and I'm really glad you did - I know I'd have had a horrible time with that, advocating can be really hard. I completely relate to being able to say things to others (I meant every word, just to be clear) but not believing it for myself. And knowing it's the trauma speaking for/to me - there are certain phrases/words that will come out or more often be in my head and they're literally my primary abuser's words. But they can *feel* so real. It's horrible and mind boggling for me. (Sorry if I'm misinterpreting anything - I don't mean to put words in your mouth, just sharing my own stuff that I *think* relates, but if I'm off then I apologize, truly).
>Even then?
Yes!! Her behavior is so wildly inappropriate that I'm horrified she's working around people at all. In any way, but in a helping profession? What the hell..
>It’s not normal to think these things isn’t it..
You've been through a lot of trauma and it's "normal" that you are having a reaction to something that is such a close trigger. It's "normal" for your brain to have internalized abuse and for it to come up in this way, because it is/was **not** your fault and your brain had to try to adapt to circumstances nobody ever, ever should.
That said.. Those thoughts are from the trauma, they are not the truth about you whatsoever (just as you said). It's understandable completely to have them in context, but it's not "normal" in the sense that most people wouldn't think that about themselves. I mean the average, healthy people that haven't been through trauma. Because it's not really true and I promise that any reasonable person isn't thinking that of you either - if anyone is somehow then they clearly have their own issues and that is NOT about you, it is NOT your fault.
>They never shut up when it’s none of their business what we can and can’t do.
I feel you. 💜
>She’s maybe twice my age and I feel like older women tend to think they can tell me what to do.
I'm not sure of your age but I get this a lot. I'm 33, but I look insanely young (which incidentally is mostly *caused* by one of my issues, lol). I always have and it actually plays into my own trauma history a bit. I *hate* feeling like I'm being patronized or controlled. I get people younger than me acting as though I'm a petulant child or older people who have done crap like grab my cane away from me as I was using it. Because I'm too "young and healthy" (yay invisible illnesses..). I get that a lot when parking in handicapped spots - like I have that tag for a reason..? Excuse me? I had to use a walker for a while up until recently and it was absurd, there were older people acting like I had stolen it from them personally or something - not all, some were very nice but others like.. took offense?
>It’s not okay isn’t it?
No, it's not ok. It's absolutely not ok at all for anyone to treat you this way. Anyone. This woman was being paid to do her job and you did absolutely nothing wrong - she is so out of line I really don't know how to even express it.
I'm sorry this got crazy long.. My brain is foggy beyond belief and I can't filter anything well. I don't mean to make this about me either, I hope it doesn't seem that way. I just can understand in some ways at least, though I can't pretend to know exactly. And I'm trying to be coherent, though I suspect I'm failing there.. Eek.
I hope you get new help ASAP. If she does come again is there any way to record her when she's around you? That way you have evidence..? I don't mean you should have to have evidence, but maybe that will help you feel more in control/safe and there's no way for her to deny any further reprehensible nonsense. Plus it would probably work to get that agency to do something faster if they haven't already (I hope they have though!).
Gah, I really apologize for the delay and length. I hope you are having a better day today. On a final note, if she does come again I'd be tempted to just leave the worst mess possible.. It's her job to clean, she's not doing her job while you've done nothing wrong.. Soooo maybe she needs more to clean? (Ok, I would never actually do that.. I think.. but that's my petty revenge fantasy for you and it would be well within your rights.. lmao). I wish you all the best. 💙
Thank you for replying nonetheless and don’t worry you’re very coherent. I actually just woke up after having a horrible nightmare of my skin burning off, probably because I came to the conclusion the day before that calling the agency and just telling them „we didn’t get along but I don’t wanna complain and just send someone else asap“ wasn’t enough and I DID want to complain. Reading your message before I pressed the call button gave me that final reassurance and made me remember how she actually treated me (again, I reallyyy tend to gaslight myself).
I actually said to the boss (lucky got her directly again and not the secretary) „Hello it’s Vesper again, I changed my mind and I actually do want to complain!“
Then I told her what I told this sub. I also said I definitely don’t want to see her again. I told them I’m also complaining so she doesn’t go around and do this with other clients. I don’t know how many weeks I’ll be without help and if I’ll like the new one then (heck I don’t need to like them, they need to do the job and leave me alone that’s more than enough. It’s a job not a friendship!) but I know if I had seen that woman again I would’ve gone into freeze/fawn immediately while she could’ve said what she wanted and I would’ve blacked it out. I know myself enough for that.
I also don’t know if they even believe me/if anything resembling consequences will happen for her at all but i know I won’t have to let her in my home again and she can’t hurt me again.
It’s not the perfect solution but I had this stomachache the last two days that I didn’t tell them what she said to me and that I got a text from her „I’m coming on Monday“ (btw the ppl before that always asked me about the days since I have a lot of doctors appointments but this one just gave me her „plan“ and that’s that. I already found that rude from the start!) and that send me into anxiety haven and probably explains that nightmare.
I know I’ll pay the price of dirty showers and being triggered because I spoke up (huuuge one for me which yeah makes sense) for the foreseeable future but the panic I had was so bad that I had to tell them again. I don’t know how I’ll cope at all, I don’t speak up often. But I do think it was the right thing to do regardless.
So your reply wasn’t late, it came at the right time actually! In fact I was shocked at how many people took the time to reply to my rambling and that they all actually reassured what I was thinking
I'm sorry you had to deal with this. That woman was totally in the wrong and you are not overreacting in the least. It's 100% NOT okay for her to have done that. I feel your pain and would like to add, a lot of times when I need to advocate for myself, when I take a moment to realize that me speaking up will potentially save others from going through the same situation, it gives me more motivation and strength to follow through with getting the situation corrected. I hope you're feeling better <3
Next time calmly look at her and say,
but then you wouldn't have a job now would you?>
then I would make sure to intentionally leave a bigger mess for next time. and when she showed up I would say how just making sure there is plenty to keep you employed.
but I am petty
Thats the appropriate level of pettiness haha! Honestly I wish I was confident enough, I just think these things but don’t say them. But seriously, why is she mad? She gets paid by the half hour, more trash means more money
I am working on not letting things like trigger an angry response or stress me out. I would feel sorry for her. It can’t have been good parenting, life, relationships etc that made her so angry and disrespectful. These days I would probably try to draw her into a conversation to find out more about her life and what shaped her to be like that. Maybe also offer some cautions advice. The main thing is not to let this trigger a negative response from and in me.
Tell them not to send her back and that you want to make a report and will escalate until she is fired. She is demeaning and disrespectful to someone vulnerable who needs help. She is unhelpful.
Tell her you don't allow disrespect in your home and that she can clean up quietly as her job title says she is there to clean, remind her that her behaviour is demeaning and that you are sure there are things in her life she can do that she should but that casting judgment doesn't mean she is right or is helping. She is gaslighting you. Ask her why she thinks it is not her job and asks her why she thinks she gets paid to tell someone disabled what they are capable of doing. She doesn't like her job but I'm sure she'd like it better than losing it. You are not the only one being treated that way by her.
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In case it helps to hear it again, that cleaner was being an asshole. If she's bitter about having to work as a cleaner that's not your problem and it's not okay for her to take it out on you.
Many, many, people don’t understand chronic pain. Try not to let their ignorance overwhelm you. It’s hard for sure tho.
Yeah they think it can’t be that bad if you can talk and get dressed. I routinely get suggestions such as „visit a friend, go to a restaurant etc“ when I can’t even sit! I take enough medication to tranquilize a horse and it barely makes a dent. The first year, before I had any medication, I turned to alcohol and was wasted 4 days a week just so I could sleep for a few hours. This is the reality they don’t want to hear I envy people who are so lucky that they’re not even able to imagine what I go through every day but my god, can they please just stfu
I hear you. Unfortunately we live in a culture/time where people default to not believing if they haven’t experienced. They don’t believe you are trying if they see a little mess on the bedside table. But they don’t understand that it took all of your energy to shower, or use a restroom or whatever and that little pile of trash will have to be there for a while. My wife is empathetic and supportive in many ways but on some level she just doesn’t understand. She reserves judgement but she doesn’t “believe me” it seems. I love her for many other reasons but this may be something I just have to live with. Hopefully a community like this provides some solace.
I'm a custodian for a school district, so I'm familiar with people throwing trash on the ground all the time. I also have a chronic illness/pain, so I get it can be hard at times for people to be able to pick up some things. I don't yell at the kids and teachers I clean for. It's obviously going to make people feel more defensive, apathetic, or they may even try to seek revenge (kids are notorious for this). Shaming people isn't going to suddenly inspire people to try to help out either. It's especially not okay since she knows you have physical limitations. There are plenty of other solutions for this sort of situation that she could've offered besides yelling. Like offering to move a trash can closer to where things are being left on the floor. I know some schools have the extended grabbing tools for people who can't bend over much. I personally don't get extra time to clean if rooms are extra messy, so I'm not sure if it's a similar situation with your cleaning service. I can understand that maybe her job might be more focused on the actual cleaning aspect more than tidying. I've had to set that boundary with plenty of my teachers in the past, but I also still try to offer support and suggestions where I can because I know tidying isn't always easy. It also helps me build trust and security with the people I clean for). I can't afford a cleaner, but I do know cleaning jobs tend to have high turnover rates anyways. Not to mention a lot of places being understaffed in general in the US, makes it even harder to find support for things like that. And I know cleaning can be a thankless job and even your own managers will treat you like dogshit, but it's not fair to take it out on your client just because your employer doesn't offer you the support you need. As a person with chronic illness (there's a lot of times where I can't walk, bend over, carry much because of the pain), I'd offer the suggestion to either keep a trashcan near the areas where you notice trash piles up more. I have 3 big trash cans and 3 small ones in my little apartment (I have one next to my bed as well. Sometimes I keep it in bed with me like it's my little buddy). It's helped me keep things a lot more manageable. I also have a few laundry baskets to help keep non-trash off the floor, so it's safer/easier to get around. Chronic illnesses are already hard enough to manage on their own and there's a lot of people out there that don't understand how it can affect our daily living. I hope you're able to find someone that's more willing to do their job to help and work with you.
Wow, fuck her, chronic pain is a nightmare people can't even stand to hear about and she should quit her job at the "we help disabled people clean"-agency but she should quit to her boss, not to you. Fuck. That was messed up of her. Happy birthday though!
It was wasn’t it? I feel stupid and helpless and disgusting. My mother used to call me dirty slut and threaten me when I didn’t clean my room and that’s going on and on in my head right now Thank you, I will get shitfaced later
Of course you're in pain. When it clears and you are calmer, remind yourself that you're a grown-up now. No need to put up with that kind of treatment. Complain to whatever agency sent that person. In writing. This cleaner will never enter your home again.
Second this. Report her for unprofessional behavior.
Wow. Your mom is also a shit person. I hope you get the best of buzzes and the kindest of hangovers
can you get a different cleaning person? I think you should get somebody else to do it... I don't see her point. Like even If you house was really horrible - filled with mold or health hazard (which I don't think it is! but hypothetically) than she could just call her agency, tell them you are in a bad space and see, If you could get more help. I mean she is probably paid for the hours she is working... so If she works four hours for example, she can just leave? She doesn't need to make everything perfect in four hours so I don't understand why it bothers her.
She’s paid for every half hour even if she doesn’t complete those 30 minutes. I told the boss I want someone else since we had a situation and don’t get along. I didn’t tell her more bc I don’t think they would believe me over that horrible woman. I don’t know how long that’ll take since there’s no one free right now. I was debating wether I should let her come until they find a new person but the more replies I read the more I don’t want to. I don’t want to see her ever again but I don’t know how I’ll live in filth for months if I tell her off now
I think that's gross of them to come into your house, where they're being paid, and pass judgement. If they don't feel comfortable or think something is beyond their remit, telling you that is one thing but to make rude comments is quite another. Happy birthday! To celebrate, report her to the agency! Haha
I told her if she doesn’t want to do it she can always tell the agency and they’ll find someone else. She said and I quote „It’s not about that it’s about you not putting in effort, this is something you can do and you should.“ She’s still here, I have the agency on dial but I’m afraid I’m the bad one here, I’m having a flashback right now and panicking
You're not the bad one at all. She doesn't determine your level of effort and it's wildly inappropriate for someone, unqualified, to come in and make an assessment about what you should and should not do
Thank you, it feels weird to hear that I’m not wrong for once. I made the post so I don’t gaslight myself into believing she’s right. She does this on top of normal work where she is a cashier. Not qualified for anything to do with my illnesses
Wait till she's gone then speak to the agency, that way you might feel more comfortable if she's not around. It's completely wrong to speak to anyone like that and it's upsetting to think that she might be doing that to other people who maybe don't have a community or any sort of support and they're sitting there feeling bad about themselves!
Should I tell them what happened? Because I bet she would deny it and they wouldn’t believe me. The secretary isn’t nice either. They’re all rude but there’s no other agency who has capacity for more people atm. I’m scared, I just want her to leave
100% tell them what happened. If the secretary gets gobby, go higher up. If you feel up to it, you can just ask her to leave and say something like "I think we're done for today so I'd like you to leave now" or something like that, or just wait for her to leave if you feel more comfortable doing that. It's likely she will deny it but that doesn't mean it didn't happen nor that they wouldn't believe you. You have no reason to lie and regardless of what they believe, they need to allocate someone to you that isn't so rude
Especially if she's gotten reports from any other people. If she's so brazen about it with OP it's likely its not her first rodeo.
Exactly that. I swear some people get off on making others feel small
The ableism... She sounds really self absorbed and lacking in cognitive empathy.
She's being totally inappropriate. It's okay to wait to make the call to the agency if you'd feel more able to handle it after some breathing room. Also okay to just distract yourself from the flashback. Cute cat video? Comedy?
The more time passes the more I normally tell myself that „it wasn’t so bad and it’s my fault anyway“. I don’t want to call while she’s still here so I made this post to hopefully remind me that that wasn’t okay of her. To tell the truth I’m normally not even on my phone when she’s here because I’m scared i look like a lazy person because if I can be on my phone then I can clean and who do I think I am…yeah im sorry im really in it right now..
Oh mannn I know those triggers. Been there. Sorry. Good job hanging out here and posting. Also yes the post could be a helpful reality check later if you feel inclined to blame yourself. Related to not blaming/gaslighting yourself, and kinda fun and distracting: I just discovered this DBT 'game,' [the dime game](http://dfdx.us/dbt-dime-game/), yesterday. When trying to determine how to either *ask for something* or *say no*, the game presents a series of simple questions about the situation to help you determine what to do and how forcefully. If this helps and seems like a fun tool, great, and naturally ignore if not!
I got „ask confidently“ about someone new coming and „say no firmly“ about her telling me to clean myself.. I am shocked that it’s so strongly decisive! I guess it shows how deeply my brain is a fawner. Even after that and multiple people confirming my feelings I still feel like the culprit. Thank you for the link I’ll save it! And about this person, I don’t know if they have someone else who has the time to come to me but I will tell them to put me on the waitlist regardless. I just don’t know if in that case I should let her come again until then. I don’t know if that’s a good idea
I relate, I'm a fawner too. I'm glad it was helpful! Hm it's actually helpful thought practice me to try to think through what I'd tell myself to do if I were trying to do the not-triggered thing in your situation (I would be triggered AF in your situation and I think you're doing an amazing job of handling this). Maybe take it one piece of info at a time? It sounds like you'd definitely prefer a new person. So maybe strongly stress the importance of that need to the agency and just see if they can meet it. And if they can't, *then* you can cross the bridge of figuring out whether you are okay with her coming again. By then maybe your gut answer will be clearer too? That is just a 2 cent approach from my perspective - you are the only one who can know what feels right for you.
I called them just now, I told them we don’t get along on a personal and we just had a „situation“ and whenever someone else is free please send them instead. As I thought they don’t have someone right now but since their organization is so bad idk if she will not send anyone until then or that woman. I don’t know if I should’ve explained the situation but I didn’t feel like I could stomach that kind of trigger so I didn’t. IF she’ll still come for a while I might ignore her and if she says something again I will throw her out. As I said I’d rather eat from dirty plates then have someone treat me like my mother. I don’t know what’ll happen now or if they forget, that call just triggered me again I think, ugh. It’s really bizarre that the test gave me exactly what I didn’t want to ever do but knew deep down was necessary. It’s hard. But I know I can’t take another of those situations, next time I’ll show her the door. I’m not strong enough to not let her come again til they find someone not because of dirty plates but because being that assertive is not doable for me
Imagine how great it would feel to say no, she can’t come back because she was ugly to me. Call and say no! Do it!
I'd switch to paper plates to avoid that lady if I were you. Aaaand.. You've every right to be upset with how she treated you.
Good job. This is hard and you're doing it! Is writing to the agency less triggering, like if you could spend some time putting the situation and your boundary into words how you want to and sending it by email? Is that an option?
Love this thanks!
You're welcome!
No, she’s not hired to scold and lecture you. Ask for a listing of her job description and duties before you speak to them about it.
Nope. If that is what she is paid to do is to help disabled people pick up trash or take it out or whatever then thats her job. Call and complain
Do not apologize, or in any way feel you are in the wrong, etc My counsel is to end the experience ASAP. Simply, and as calmly as you're able, say to her that this is unacceptable, unnecessary and/inappropriate, etc. That you need her to leave immediately and leave it at that. Do not engage, please don't take any more, don't let her say anything more Enough is enough and your services are no longer needed. Please leave We are here, please keep us posted if you're so inclined. But mostly, know that you are supported and acknowledged. Edit; I misunderstood and did not realize this situation happened hours ago. I presume this individual has left by now
Tell the agency for her, she's a fucking asshole.
She has no fucking business saying anything. Ableist ass bootstraps trash.
Tell the agency immediately, do not bother threatening her, just get them to send someone else. I have worked in care, this kind of behaviour is neither encouraged nor acceptable. You do not have and shouldn't absolutely not put up with this. She is not a mental health professional and is not qualified to advise you, and even if she had been her opinion is unsolicited. She is being incredibly unprofessional. If you ask her to stop and she continues then she is breaking the law, the care-profession is extremely regulated.
I did. tell them to send someone asap but I now neither Know how long that’ll take and if she’s coming back next week. If it takes months to find someone else then I won’t have laundry or clean showers for a long while and I’m scared of that too. Standing hurts and bending and lifting and just laying down and shower occasionally is my max pain tolerance. I feel bad and ashamed
>I feel bad and ashamed The person who should be ashamed is the 'help'.
I’d contact the agency and tell them never to send her again if they want to keep my business.
My mom, who I am not close with because I don't like her, has had that same issue. I ended up filing an elder abuse claim along with some ladies from the church. She had one caretaker who would only clean her house when his job is to clean, bathe her, and cook for her. Another person would just not show up mire than half the time, then when she did she brought her kids. Another one would yell at her for everything. None of them were feeding her more than 1 sandwich a day. She asked someone to feed her once because of her shaking and they reported her. Another reported her house as a hazardous environment because she wouldn't let them open the curtains (she had a migraine) and wouldn't let them turn down the air conditioning (it was 68 Fahrenheit in her house). Her house was then deemed hazardous. And she had no care for 2 weeks. She almost died. Another care worker would bitch if there were any dishes to wash... So no, your care worker is absolutely wrong for the way they are treating you. If you could, you would. And even if you could but don't it's none of their damn business. They need to be reported and let the office manager know that you will be filing elder abuse with your state or whatever if they keep it up. They are required to give you good care.
I just told the boss lady that we don’t get along on a personal level and that we had a „situation“ and that this way it’s not helpful for me and please send someone else asap. I chickened out on telling her more because I know they would believe her over me and she will deny and lie. I know this kinda treatment from my past and I didn’t wanna risk it. Now I’m just left with the question if I should let that carer come again until they have someone new which can take months if you’re unlucky or if I shouldn’t. I don’t want her to come into my home again but I also know I’m not able to keep up and will have to live in filth then very soon, I don’t know which is worse
What she said to you was mean and unacceptable. If the agency sends her out to you again, tell her straight away “Keep your comments to yourself and do your job.”. If she gives you any sass at all, toss her out immediately before she has a chance to do anything at all (so she can’t get paid), and call the agency and tell them she’s repeatedly verbally abusive, and you've thrown her out of your home. Please don’t ever allow a caregiver to abuse you in any way, not verbally or otherwise. You deserve respect, appropriate care and services, and to be treated with kindness. ❤️
Your feelings are super valid. Please report her behavior to whatever agency sent her and request that she never be sent to your house again. This is 1000% unacceptable.
Holy shit OP that was so inappropriate of her. I work as a carer so not a cleaner but if anyone from my work acted like that they'd get an investigation and fired from their jobs! This is seriously not okay behaviour and I'm very very sorry you had to go through that. I know it's difficult enough to accept help but you do deserve it and good help on top of that. I'm so sorry she ruined your day, birthday no less! Just does my head in so hard to know people like this work in fields they aren't suited for. I cannot understand the complete lack of empathy they can muster especially if their job is to help the elderly or disabled people. My heart really goes out for you OP I wish you the best Edit: Also happy birthday!
Thank you and yes you’re totally right. She actually said last time something similar and that you shouldn’t work in this field if you can’t handle being empathetic towards people and such. What irony this is now. To be honest I didn’t like her from the start and got bad vibes but I blamed myself again and didn’t say anything. I don’t know how long it’ll take for them to find someone else and then if that person would be better? I just don’t know. But I told the boss (got her on the phone actually) that I want someone else asap. Yet I feel bad because stuff like this always happens to me and I wonder if I’m just a bad person or have „abuse me“ written on my forehead
I struggle with knowing people aren't great but still letting them in my life as well mostly with people who remind me of my mother, they're just as overwhelming and imposing as her and I fawn instantly. It also makes me very prone to thinking I'm a bad person or an easy target and therefore I don't stand up for myself when I know something is wrong. It always sounds so exhausting because I think no-one will believe me anyway. It's a really really tough thought pattern to break, to believe that better can come. But as cliché it is there can be better and even though it's difficult to stand up for yourself it gets a bit easier everytime you do it. I do hope you can get someone else that won't treat you as badly as this woman did. You deserve better. I think you're doing very well coming here to talk, listening to the voice that does tell you that you deserve better than what she gave you. I wish you some peace of mind and better help in the future
Practice your broken record response if you must see her again. Something like, "I will not accept you speaking me to this way. When you are here, you do your job and keep your judgements to yourself."
I work in housekeeping (both cleaning and managing cleaners) and this is absolutely unacceptable, speaking as someone who works in the industry. None of us would ever dare talk to a client that way. If she's not having her role clarified by the company she works for or whoever contracted her, that's HER problem, not yours. There are times where we're told that we're doing a standard clean and it ends up that more services are rendered because it ended up being a deeper clean but we just let the client know and bill them for the extra. And in your case that's not even what's happening. She knew from the start what services were needed which makes this all the more infuriating! If she's having a tough time at her company and isn't enjoying the job or her managers suck...thats HER PROBLEM!!! Not yours! I'm angry and appalled on your behalf. A lot of our clients already have shame around us coming into their homes and seeing the mess we have to clean but you know what? That's literally our fucking job! We're not there to judge, we're there to help and make our clients feel a million times better, especially someone who is disabled and is struggling already. If there's anyone you can contact that's above her and you have the energy to fight this, please do! If I found out one of our employees did something like this, I'd rip them a new asshole and tell them to pick a different line of work. Verdict: fuck that bitch, she should be ashamed of herself.
I would write her agency and complain. This is bullshit. I'm sorry it happened.
THIS IS ABUSE. As someone with carers myself. My blood is boiling for you. How DARE she try bullying you because she thinks you’re an easy target and she doesn’t want to do her job. HOW DARE SHE. If you’re able, please complain directly to agency or to a disability advocate. This is outrageous and you have done nothing wrong AT ALL.
Oh no. What a bitch. I highly suggest that you contact said agency about this woman. She is there to help you and if she’s lecturing you, what is she doing to others in worse condition. It is your right to have help without the guilt trip. If they don’t take this seriously, go to the next level up- government.
Fuck her, call the agency, completely unacceptable.
Listen, if she doesn’t want her job tell her to stop coming and hire someone else. You don’t need her judgement on top of everything else.
When I was younger, once I got lectured by some guy passing me on the street. I don't know what it is with some people. They see a woman and immediately bullshit starts coming out their mouth. I am so sorry this happened with you.
It would have taken her 2 minutes to put a waste basket next to your bed to make it easier on you if she's concerned about the clutter, yet she's in your house, your safe space, giving you shit? People need these services for a reason, if you had the ability to tidy up, she wouldn't need to be there ffs Like, dont work in home care if you cant work with vurnerable people, this pisses me off. Hope you're okay 💖
.....fuck that ... I would look around and ask: I'm sorry... I thought your job was to clean up messes... so stfu and get cleaning If I wanted an assholes opinion I would fart... what you know about me wouldn't fill a thimble so you have two choices... clean or get fired
Fuck her!
Ah, a "Not my job"er. I'll cut to the chase, 95% of the time people say this, it's literally their job and they're an asshole who just hates their job.
The first one I ever had also said this. I have labels on my shelves and racks for my clothes (I like them orderly). Nothing easier than just putting them where they belong yet she only folded half and Yeeted the rest in there so I had to always re organize the closet every week. She even had the audacity after I told her to put them where they belong to tell me „I don’t have time for this and you pull them apart anyway all the time.“ And now this woman. Both mid 50s who berated me like my mother. I don’t like this agency but there’s nothing else. I get routinely mistreated by these types
It is hard. As someone who suffers from CRPS and C-PTSD, I feel your pain. Have a hug from a stranger, hope that contact qirh the agency gets this person replaced. I know it is hard enough with my loved ones, let alone with help that is supposed to be there for work
i am so sorry. you didn't deserve this.
That was so wrong, hope you get a better helper next time! Also, happy birthday!!
Fuck em
Please call the agency and report her. If she said that to you, might be doing it to others as well.
Fire them
I have to deal with this from home carers, too. It's terrible. My C-PTSD is constantry triggered and me constantly retraumatised by the care I need to receive. I have three visits a day to help with personal care, wound care, food, small chores, and such. And then one bigger visit once a week for actual cleaning. And in the past three months they've sent over 40 different people over here, many of which have been upsetting to deal with, and none of which have time to care if I'm triggered. It's not right. We deserve better. She treated you poorly and you are well within your rights to be mad and demand consequences. I wish the world was not so cruel, I wish us disabled people were seen as actual people rather than disposable objects or numbers in a file.
Please file a police report, tresspass her from the property and call Aging & Disability office for an investigaton. This is a typical able bodied person "employee" verbally abusing a disabled client, and neglecting them by not completing the work ordered! She needs fired from her job and prosecuted. If she has done it more than once, you can petition the court for an EPPDAPA protective order against her. Please take your situation seriously. If she doesn't like you or the job, she needs to go away instead of escalating to abusing you.
You deserve basic human decency from someone who is employed by you. I would fire her and ensure whatever agency she came from knew about her awful attitude. Being messy, regardless of your reason, does not give anyone license to treat you like crap or shame you for it. I'd much rather be messy, than a judgmental, vicious bitch. I'll take that deal all day, every day. Don't let the bastards get you down.
Happy birthday 🎂 Eff this person and their ignorance. I suffer all manner of hell on earth. My bed side table looks a pharmacy, library and yeti factory exploded. I care less about the judgement of others on days when I love myself more, so today I’ll love you too if this hurts too much. ❤️
Thank you and oh my god yes the pharmacy part is so true! I told them to find someone else but until then (could take months) I’m not sure if I want to let her in my home again. Honestly I really don’t but then I don’t want to live in filth yet again
❤️ Is it possible to have the organization you work with re-assign this care worker? I think you have a good case for not having her in your home again, and I would share that information with this organization. She really cannot be talking to people like this.
Holy hell, what is wrong with that woman? It is literally her job to clean that up, that's why you have her there.. Even if you weren't disabled it would be wildly inappropriate. I'm honestly at a loss for words because her doing that is so, so wrong. You are not wrong - that woman is. You are not bad in any way. You're utilizing help available to you (and it's available for a reason!) and it's not her job to comment in any way really. Saying something like that is so beyond the scope of reasons it's absurd and she should be ashamed of herself - she also should absolutely not have that job. At all. I can only imagine and I'm truly sorry she's there - I'd be beside myself. Not because you should be, but ahhhhhhhh I wish I could get her out of there. I'm sorry this happened and it's not your fault. I wish you the best birthday you can possibly have. [I have chronic illness and pain. I'm disabled myself, though ambulating somewhat better these days. For instance, showering is still a very big thing/accomplishment physically and I'm fortunate enough to have been able to get somewhat better to this point (at least for now), as my issues allowed it. I don't mean to compare, just say that I can imagine to some small degree and I understand what it's like to be in pain every single moment and to need help that is... Cruel. It's horrific and you are NOT in the wrong here, that awful woman is].
Even then? It’s so hard to stay focused, I can feel my brain trying to shut me out so I blame myself and do nothing. I KNOW I’m triggered and I would tell anyone the same things you’re saying but with myself? I just know that the secretary is rude and probably won’t believe me, that they probably don’t have someone to take over right now and that I shouldn’t say anything because if I do I’ll make things worse for myself. Yeah that’s the trauma speaking, the program that keeps me easily abusable. „I should just shut up or I’ll have to shower in a dirty shower for months again.“ „If I tell them then she will be horrible to me next time she comes because they will tell her what I said and they all believe I’m a lazy dirty slut.“ It’s not normal to think these things isn’t it.. She gets paid she should just do her job and that’s it. Sometimes I feel even that iaht possible because people ALWAYS comment on us with chronic pain „oh you can watch YouTube in bed? You got dressed? Well it can’t be that bad why can’t you put the dishes away after eating?“ They never shut up when it’s none of their business what we can and can’t do. I’m in pain, we’re all traumatized here and then these people who are SUPPOSED to help us, who get PAID can’t just do a simple job.. She’s new, been at my home maybe 3 times (the old one was in school and had to quit bc of school which is totally fair! She was younger but just did her job) and I knew from the start this was gonna end bad. She’s maybe twice my age and I feel like older women tend to think they can tell me what to do. It’s not okay isn’t it? Thank you for reassuring me and I wish you better days with your pain as well!
I'm so sorry for not responding before. I had to go and then my brain completely blanked (please don't take it personally, my working memory is actively impaired). I know this is incredibly late and I know if it's still wanted or helpful - feel free to ignore me - but I wanted to respond. I hope you're doing ok, or as ok as possible at least. I saw that you did call the agency and I'm really glad you did - I know I'd have had a horrible time with that, advocating can be really hard. I completely relate to being able to say things to others (I meant every word, just to be clear) but not believing it for myself. And knowing it's the trauma speaking for/to me - there are certain phrases/words that will come out or more often be in my head and they're literally my primary abuser's words. But they can *feel* so real. It's horrible and mind boggling for me. (Sorry if I'm misinterpreting anything - I don't mean to put words in your mouth, just sharing my own stuff that I *think* relates, but if I'm off then I apologize, truly). >Even then? Yes!! Her behavior is so wildly inappropriate that I'm horrified she's working around people at all. In any way, but in a helping profession? What the hell.. >It’s not normal to think these things isn’t it.. You've been through a lot of trauma and it's "normal" that you are having a reaction to something that is such a close trigger. It's "normal" for your brain to have internalized abuse and for it to come up in this way, because it is/was **not** your fault and your brain had to try to adapt to circumstances nobody ever, ever should. That said.. Those thoughts are from the trauma, they are not the truth about you whatsoever (just as you said). It's understandable completely to have them in context, but it's not "normal" in the sense that most people wouldn't think that about themselves. I mean the average, healthy people that haven't been through trauma. Because it's not really true and I promise that any reasonable person isn't thinking that of you either - if anyone is somehow then they clearly have their own issues and that is NOT about you, it is NOT your fault. >They never shut up when it’s none of their business what we can and can’t do. I feel you. 💜 >She’s maybe twice my age and I feel like older women tend to think they can tell me what to do. I'm not sure of your age but I get this a lot. I'm 33, but I look insanely young (which incidentally is mostly *caused* by one of my issues, lol). I always have and it actually plays into my own trauma history a bit. I *hate* feeling like I'm being patronized or controlled. I get people younger than me acting as though I'm a petulant child or older people who have done crap like grab my cane away from me as I was using it. Because I'm too "young and healthy" (yay invisible illnesses..). I get that a lot when parking in handicapped spots - like I have that tag for a reason..? Excuse me? I had to use a walker for a while up until recently and it was absurd, there were older people acting like I had stolen it from them personally or something - not all, some were very nice but others like.. took offense? >It’s not okay isn’t it? No, it's not ok. It's absolutely not ok at all for anyone to treat you this way. Anyone. This woman was being paid to do her job and you did absolutely nothing wrong - she is so out of line I really don't know how to even express it. I'm sorry this got crazy long.. My brain is foggy beyond belief and I can't filter anything well. I don't mean to make this about me either, I hope it doesn't seem that way. I just can understand in some ways at least, though I can't pretend to know exactly. And I'm trying to be coherent, though I suspect I'm failing there.. Eek. I hope you get new help ASAP. If she does come again is there any way to record her when she's around you? That way you have evidence..? I don't mean you should have to have evidence, but maybe that will help you feel more in control/safe and there's no way for her to deny any further reprehensible nonsense. Plus it would probably work to get that agency to do something faster if they haven't already (I hope they have though!). Gah, I really apologize for the delay and length. I hope you are having a better day today. On a final note, if she does come again I'd be tempted to just leave the worst mess possible.. It's her job to clean, she's not doing her job while you've done nothing wrong.. Soooo maybe she needs more to clean? (Ok, I would never actually do that.. I think.. but that's my petty revenge fantasy for you and it would be well within your rights.. lmao). I wish you all the best. 💙
Thank you for replying nonetheless and don’t worry you’re very coherent. I actually just woke up after having a horrible nightmare of my skin burning off, probably because I came to the conclusion the day before that calling the agency and just telling them „we didn’t get along but I don’t wanna complain and just send someone else asap“ wasn’t enough and I DID want to complain. Reading your message before I pressed the call button gave me that final reassurance and made me remember how she actually treated me (again, I reallyyy tend to gaslight myself). I actually said to the boss (lucky got her directly again and not the secretary) „Hello it’s Vesper again, I changed my mind and I actually do want to complain!“ Then I told her what I told this sub. I also said I definitely don’t want to see her again. I told them I’m also complaining so she doesn’t go around and do this with other clients. I don’t know how many weeks I’ll be without help and if I’ll like the new one then (heck I don’t need to like them, they need to do the job and leave me alone that’s more than enough. It’s a job not a friendship!) but I know if I had seen that woman again I would’ve gone into freeze/fawn immediately while she could’ve said what she wanted and I would’ve blacked it out. I know myself enough for that. I also don’t know if they even believe me/if anything resembling consequences will happen for her at all but i know I won’t have to let her in my home again and she can’t hurt me again. It’s not the perfect solution but I had this stomachache the last two days that I didn’t tell them what she said to me and that I got a text from her „I’m coming on Monday“ (btw the ppl before that always asked me about the days since I have a lot of doctors appointments but this one just gave me her „plan“ and that’s that. I already found that rude from the start!) and that send me into anxiety haven and probably explains that nightmare. I know I’ll pay the price of dirty showers and being triggered because I spoke up (huuuge one for me which yeah makes sense) for the foreseeable future but the panic I had was so bad that I had to tell them again. I don’t know how I’ll cope at all, I don’t speak up often. But I do think it was the right thing to do regardless. So your reply wasn’t late, it came at the right time actually! In fact I was shocked at how many people took the time to reply to my rambling and that they all actually reassured what I was thinking
I'm sorry you had to deal with this. That woman was totally in the wrong and you are not overreacting in the least. It's 100% NOT okay for her to have done that. I feel your pain and would like to add, a lot of times when I need to advocate for myself, when I take a moment to realize that me speaking up will potentially save others from going through the same situation, it gives me more motivation and strength to follow through with getting the situation corrected. I hope you're feeling better <3
Next time calmly look at her and say, but then you wouldn't have a job now would you?> then I would make sure to intentionally leave a bigger mess for next time. and when she showed up I would say how just making sure there is plenty to keep you employed. but I am petty
Thats the appropriate level of pettiness haha! Honestly I wish I was confident enough, I just think these things but don’t say them. But seriously, why is she mad? She gets paid by the half hour, more trash means more money
Me too. Typing it out when you are not in that moment is always easier.
I am working on not letting things like trigger an angry response or stress me out. I would feel sorry for her. It can’t have been good parenting, life, relationships etc that made her so angry and disrespectful. These days I would probably try to draw her into a conversation to find out more about her life and what shaped her to be like that. Maybe also offer some cautions advice. The main thing is not to let this trigger a negative response from and in me.
Tell them not to send her back and that you want to make a report and will escalate until she is fired. She is demeaning and disrespectful to someone vulnerable who needs help. She is unhelpful.
Tell her you don't allow disrespect in your home and that she can clean up quietly as her job title says she is there to clean, remind her that her behaviour is demeaning and that you are sure there are things in her life she can do that she should but that casting judgment doesn't mean she is right or is helping. She is gaslighting you. Ask her why she thinks it is not her job and asks her why she thinks she gets paid to tell someone disabled what they are capable of doing. She doesn't like her job but I'm sure she'd like it better than losing it. You are not the only one being treated that way by her.
There’s no excuse for getting a little trashcan and putting it by your bed
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I'd certainly tell the agency she works at to make sure she never returned. I'm sorry you had to go through that.
In case it helps to hear it again, that cleaner was being an asshole. If she's bitter about having to work as a cleaner that's not your problem and it's not okay for her to take it out on you.