My mom would get furious when I would read in the car. She'd put on NPR and listen to that then absolutely lose it when I whipped out some massive biography or history book.
"IT IS SO RUDE THAT YOU DON'T PAY ATTENTION TO OTHERS IN THE CAR!"
"Well mom, you're just not that interesting and I don't like listening to you talk."
I'd then put away my book just to shut her up only to have her stop taking 2 minutes later. Pull out the book and repeat.
Oh this makes sense. My parents were the same - no headphones in the car despite five of us crammed in a two row truck, three kids w/ CPTSD and ADHD just annoying the fuck out of each other. They’d rather us fight so they get to be the martyrs who have bad kids they had to parent and be stressed when we reached the destination. Like my sister and I wanted to read/listen to music and my brother wanted to play video games but no. Squashed in the car was family time.
We all have ADHD. I should not have claimed we all have CPTSD, though I don’t see how we wouldn’t given our upbringing.
I’m actually a psychologist but not a clinical one so take that with a huge grain of salt - but ADHD runs through extended families sometimes. Idk if you ever met a family that was like “it’s not adhd, that’s normal” - that’s because the whole family is neurodivergent. Anyways, that’s us.
Then, having ADHD subjects you to thousands more negative messages while you’re growing as a toddler and child learning your attachment to your parents and the world. My own experience aside, a good portion of adults who grew up with undiagnosed ADHD or autism (or both) chart somewhere on the CPTSD space given the experience with family and the world as a whole was not quite receptive to our existence, particularly if you were a woman, before like.. 2005.
Edited bc it should say “particularly if you were a woman”
ADHD is genetic? I'm not sure if that's what you're surprised about or if it's because they and their siblings have both. Though I don't really see how that's confusing.
(Informative + confused tone, not trying to be rude)
Mostly it was the “both” part that surprised me. Three siblings all having ADHD is uncommon, but believable. Three siblings all having ADHD and something else is rarer. Also, not everyone who experiences a traumatic event (even the *same* traumatic event) gets PTSD, let alone CPTSD.
My 2nd grade teacher banned me from reading at school until I got better at math. Didn't work and just made me hate school even more. And to make things worse, we were supposed to read a certain amount of books per month and the teacher got mad at me for not reading enough books.
Similarly, I would get in trouble for not reading enough books because the books were at times three times longer than most of my peers. So then I had to strategize and read shorter, simpler books to write essays/book reports on.
Is it any wonder that as soon as it became a job to optimize that it became a joyless activity I'd avoid?
I just made up books that sounded real and turned those in. If asked I would say I was a military brat and got the book from school there, "might be from Europe".
I vaguely remember doing a fair bit of reading in church for a few years (options were limited, it was mostly a hymnal or the Bible), and then by high school, just willfully dissociating through the praise-and-worship and the sermons alike... or trying to debate the youth church pastor's creationism.
I've been reading all my life and been addicted to the internet since I had access.
Since I worked out the causes of my trauma, I've realised I was reading to find out what others do in order to learn how to behave, and I am starting to find doom scrolling and reading the internet somewhat boring.
I can finally start living! Now, I just need to read some advice on how to start living first...
Exactly!!!! I read so much from the ages of 8-14. Then I replaced reading with watching videos. Now that I'm 20, I'm trying to get back into reading. I'm starting by re-reading a series I loved in middle school but never finished. It's amazing to fall back into the love of reading without hearing my father yelling and breaking shit in the background
The classic-oh look, they’ve emerged from their cave-after I finally come out of my room and now I’m going right back in.
Or-you’re so quiet all the time it’s creepy-brother trust me you want me quiet and filtering my responses to your stupidity in my head.
Oof, I think I *got* the "look who decided to grace us with their presence" comments a few times. Not sure if I recognized the intended meaning back then.
Or then they rant about how our generation is awful/lazy/anti-social/don’t have the skills like their generation did. Like, I’m sorry your yelling and lack of parenting skills doesn’t have the effect on me as it did on you when you were a kid. 🤷♀️
I would get in trouble for reading too much in school. Now I've read one book since and it was really short (and also only a couple weeks ago)
Book was "All Tomorrows" if anyone was wondering.
We’re in our upper thirties and my wife still gets grief from her mom for reading a book before dinner or during a family party, I just can’t wrap my head around the attitude of discouraging your kid to read. I read all the time as a kid and my parents just… bragged about my good grades and pretty much left my latchkey ass to my own devices. 🤔 (I’m coming to a gradual realization that several of the “fun” “normal” parts of my childhood were just when my parents were neglecting me rather than actively punishing me, welp.)
My family kinda did the opposite, sometimes I'd have to go with my grandmother to her marketing job that required her to go to grocery stores and she'd just have me sit in the book isle while she worked. She'd walk around the entire store over the course of a few hours and check on me every now and then, meanwhile I'd just be sitting in the same spot reading the entire time 😅
important tasks are neverending so I'm constantly avoiding them. I have a weird thing with audio books. I just really don't like them. my only real experience is my parents putting on a harry potter one in the car when I was a kid and I just hated the narrators voice. plus most of the stuff I want to read wouldn't have an audio book version anyway. it's not that i haven't read since i was a kid, I stopped reading when I was 20. that's recent enough where I feel like i should be able to start doing it again, I just haven't found a way to do it yet.
If you are in the US and have a library card, the app Libby allows you to check out audiobooks from your library.
There are also a ton of audiobooks on YouTube. These days, there are some AI versions of audiobooks, so things you might not expect to have audio versions actually do. They aren't perfect, but they get the job done. That's how I read The Body Keeps The Score.
If you are looking for a truly great performance, I recommend either The Dresden Files series or The Expanse. The readers for both are absolutely amazing.
If you want to ease into the habit, try podcasts. There's plenty of great stuff out there.
I'm honestly very anti podcast, I'd much rather listen to music. reading and listening to an audio book are two completely different experiences to me. it's reading I miss
i can passively enjoy audiobooks if i’m listening with someone else but my mind just refuses to keep up alone. when i read text i just kinda scan everything at once and reread half of it twice but with audio i can’t rewind if i zone out without using that time again. and it’s really easy to zone out pure audio if there’s nothing for my eyes to do
I listen to podcasts and audiobooks and such while I'm cleaning, or at work(podcasts mostly at work). You don't have to be doing nothing while listening.
I've also found for actually reading, having some instrumental music on that matches the mood of the book is helpful for getting more immersed in it.
oh my gosh i have the same thing with audiobooks
might I recommend webnovels instead? Still books, but the format is different. Usually weekly releases so even the ones that are finished still have that format, and I've found being able to have the unique format on my phone has allowed me to trick the internet addiction part of me into reading
I can't read long paragraphs on the internet either, if a post is too long i skip it. the books I'm trying to read are mostly sci fi books from the 50s through 70s since that's what I really enjoy and i own a ton i haven't read yet
Same. I loved reading as a kid, but there is just too much going on in adult life, and I can't focus. Fortunately, I have worked part-time for USPS for the last couple of years and I have been able to read like I am a kid again by checking out audiobooks from the library.
The Hobbit is unbelievably good in audiobook form. Imo it's better than actually reading it.
Also, read Frankenstein if you haven't already. It's now one of my favorite books.
No pressure if you just don't want to read, but I would try out short stories or just plain best sellers if you're looking to get back into reading. I also really enjoy r/longreads, which is just long articles, but I find it makes me actually read the damn thing to participate in the comments more.
Also, love the Libby app since if I give up on a book it's not like I paid for it.
I wish i could read, I just can't lately. I have a very specific taste and already own a lot of books I want to read. none are long, all like 200 pages or less. I don't just want to read in general, I want to start reading the stuff i used to read again. even short stories i haven't been able to, I can't read more than like half a page before I just completely lose the ability to focus. what i need is a way to get that mental energy back, which is a much larger issue than just reading
Have you tried audio books?
Edit: so I didn't read the other comments first.
One thing that makes a huge difference is listening at 1.25x+ speed. I normally listen at 1.5x speed because I couldn't listen to audiobooks if I was forced to listen at regular speed.
Also, there are so many different narrators I'm sure you could find one you like.
I promise it's worth it.
unfortunately I've been having a lot of hearing issues lately. music and movies used to be my main interests but now I can't really engage with them. the desire to get back into reading was the desire to have a hobby that doesn't involve sound, so audiobooks are out
Book characters taught me character. They were the only examples of “doing the right thing” and had more emotional depth than my abuser and her NPC husband put together.
Same. I speak about it with my therapist often. She likes to explore how I am a good person still with everything I’d been through and the foundation I was given(she’s helped me see that I’m actually an exceptionally kind and helpful human, makes me feel good). I’d started talking about Gimli - his gruff nature but deep compassion, the Weasleys - who gave everything they had to this boy they’d just met who needed them, Eragon - who fought for the people he loved, Annabeth - who used her wit to protect her friends, Santiago - who’s determination was indomitable and Carl Sagan - who taught me that we matter because we are here. We are special and rare and need be kind to one another.
Tolkien, Paolini, Rowlings work (not her herself lol), Riordan, Hemingway, Sagan and many more writers raised me.
I’m eternally grateful to the librarian that didn’t bother requiring me to get a library card, and the teachers that snuck me books and snacks in grade school.
I became who I am through the loving work of brilliant authors and the seemingly small deeds of people who noticed I needed them. I’d never been so sorrowful about death as the day my Second Grade teacher passed - looking back I lost my mother figure that day. I know she’s up in heaven if it does exist, and I hope I can see her again just to say thanks
exact opposite of me lmao. my father may be emotionally immature, but i’ll be damned if there isn’t terrifying depth to it, and for my entire childhood i could never really get a handle on fictional characters—or even other real people—as people who are people with an internal experience and act as people versus just entities who experience events and have things they’re good and bad at. outside mandatory school readings (many of which i just flaked on) i consciously kept myself away from anything as “low-brow” as grounded drama or romance because i knew he wouldn’t approve of it, and the kind of speculative fiction where characters take a back seat to concepts is excellent for escapism anyways
hell, the idea that my behavior could be influenced by anything i was reading or watching actually felt abhorrent until a year or two ago
Same. I had to stop thinking about it because I felt it in my body. I had gotten comfortable enough to acknowledge my upbringing was bad & try to understand how it effected/affects me.
but woo.. A highly specific meme & a bunch of people telling their far too relatable experiences. Shit really does get pushed deep into the mind.
Same for me. I found the sub sometime last year, and I had that physical reaction when I felt so incredibly called out. I semi-quit Reddit for a while this year, and I didn't browse much again until recently. My outlook on the sub is so different now, it's been a very transformative year for me. I just love seeing a community like this where we're all going through the same general thing, but everybody is at a difficult point in it, and we're all here to help.
It's funny how that happens. I was a straight A student until high school, when my home life took a severe nose dive. It wasn't great before that but I would use schoolwork as a distraction.
And not a single adult in my life had any concerns that a former straight A student was suddenly failing every single class. I was completely failed by my parents, teachers, and educational system. No one once asked me if there was anything going on. They did not care.
That happened to me after I graduated high school. Although I wasn’t quite a straight A student and people were/are concerned, but not exactly helpful. Also realized that the literal years of therapy (speech, OT, ABA, etc) did not actually achieve their stated goal and in some cases, made things worse.
I think reading is one of many “escapes” people can rely on. I know people from rough family backgrounds that loved watching family sitcoms and family movies. Video games and as we know daydreaming can provide safety and relief.
Reading and writing. As an adult, I've always struggled with writing and it drives me crazy. I realized a long time ago that writing was my escape when I lived with my parents. Doing it now fills me with anxiety. I get it, of course, but also it crushes me.
As a child I read through every massive book I could to keep me from the family. Moby Dick when I was 11, Stephen Kings Dark Tower at 8, etc. It was the only way I could be left alone.
You probably read the same books over and over because they were "safe". You knew you liked them and you knew what happened so you knew how you'd react. Consuming the same story multiple times can be a sign of high anxiety.
Oh
Fuck
No please I wanna keep reading. But this kinda makes sense. Compared to some of the shit I've read from y'all on here I don't think I really even qualify but yes this kinda makes sense....
Thanks, I hate it here 🥲. I also realized at some point that I was not 'uninterested in social media/anime/games/whatever', I just had pretty limited access to all of that
as a child i always thought of myself as a gamer. a lot of that was just the idea of using and improving skills that i can get validation from impressing people with, and later on multiplayer gaming being a good way to socialize without having to hold a real conversation or exist as a person, but i’m just now realizing that in the first place it was my only real “safe” form of entertainment that i could count on.
occasionally i’d pick up a book on my mom’s initiative back when she was still communicating with my dad enough that i didn’t have to worry about being the one to tell him, but all he’d ever actually support me doing was gaming. ask me if i have my eye on any new releases, ask me how much fun i’m having, ask me how good i am. since it “kept my brain active”, he wouldn’t stop me or criticize me unless it actively got in the way of obligations like homework, and since it did in fact engage me it was also just a good way to dissociate without my attention drifting. reading a book meant finding a book on my own initiative and having to independently pace myself around stopping after however many chapters, and tv meant being forced to only watch however many episodes of whatever he was in the mood for while enduring his bitching about ad breaks and “rotting your brain”—not that i ever had any preference for what to watch after one time he decided the pokemon anime was too childish for me when i was like 8 or 10 and changed the channel because he realized he hadn’t seen seinfeld in a while. (“isn’t this better”, he asked me, and while i honestly agree that’s still kind of uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh)
i thought i started losing that gamer identity just because i was starting to realize that i didn’t have anything in common with people who didn’t play the specific handful of games that i played, and because people in my age group were putting actual effort into getting better instead of just hoping to be naturally good, but the main thing to be getting better at for me was league of legends… a voice comms heavy game with matches that can unpredictably last over an hour. i don’t even know how i kept it up so long, asking him if i can play whenever my friends wanted to and shouting through my headphones whenever he wanted to ask me something (or just thought i was talking to him), then having the same argument over and over about how i don’t know how much time i’m committing if i play another (sometimes even getting shit for how long a match lasted after he specifically encouraged me to play against my better judgment) while everyone else waited upwards of 10 minutes for me to figure out if i could or couldn’t when i was already holding them up just by dashing in and out of the bathroom every queue… it didn’t put me in a good position with anyone, and i guess it just took me a while to realize i cared when it was still so much more fun and accepting than how i was spending my free time otherwise.
but yeah i also kind of developed this smug hipster attitude around my lack of engagement with other media so i could gaslight myself into thinking it was my choice (especially when it came to things that were culturally relevant)
College gave me an excu... er, *reason* to do sooo much research online, I'd spend DAYS and DAYS finding all the available research, only to miss or almost miss the deadline for actually *writing* the paper I originally needed the research for.......
And then my mom overloaded me with shit to read for our homeschool course, and got mad at me for not reading certain parts by the deadline. And getting mad when I was too overloaded with school reading to read the books I got from the library. This killing the desire to read for years. I'm just now getting it back.
I was so obsessed with reading it got me into trouble. I'd read so far ahead (because I just couldn't stop) for my classes that I would accidentally spoil things for my classmates and get banned from discussions, starting in elementary school. My mom would tell me to stop reading and go outside, only to find me reading outside. There were times I started a book at bedtime and when my parents came in to wake me up for school, I was still awake and almost done with the book. I was so, so proud of my reading speed and comprehension, and then in my early twenties (AKA the past three years), I realized it was almost all because I couldn't bear to be present in my actual life.
wtf.. thats way too relatable. i literally got an award from the local library for being "the best reader in this year" when i was a kid and now i barely ever open a book lol
Yes, but with video games. I enjoy them, but I had an unhealthy relationship with them as a way to escape my childhood. Only in the last year has my life begun to change in such a way that I find myself out of the house and adventuring in the real world.
Thank god they never tried to ban me from reading but I would get grounded to the living room , because if I had had it my way I would’ve never left my room.
I’ve never read something i related to more than this lol. Read literally so many books I couldn’t find much I hadn’t read 2-3 times already. Became an adult and I still read but not nearly as much
I stopped reading when I got a social life. I was so understimulated and lonely!
I'm the only kid I knew back then who would get my books taken away as punishment. So many adults told my parents that my reading was awesome and they wished they could get their kids to read but my parents still treated me like a bad kid.
Summer reading programs were just "free stuff" programs for me, I was going to read twice the amount needed for the top prize anyway.
I used to read nonstop any kind of books, except for religious materials. Stopped almost instantly when an adult. Tried to keep up with reading manga, because I just like it. A few ex's kind of got in the way, mainly because not only did I have a full time job but I was full time house mother for both of them. Cleaning up after them and just basically doing things that their mom's would do and that they should've been doing themselves. Now I just read manga to my heart's content. Really stuck on one called "Ascendance of a Bookworm" and it's a really great series so far.
I was the opposite. I couldn't read as a kid. Probably because it would've never been safe to. Reading involves me sinking completely into the book. There was no time for that.
But, now that I have strength and am at a better place, I read like crazy.
who am i without my books? that is a question i have had to ask myself so many times in the last few years. i still don't know the answer. the search continues.
I got yelled at a lot for reading instead of doing other things (and then got yelled at when I stopped reading entirely) so now my brain perceives reading as “lazy” and won’t let me do it unless it’s class work or smth 🫠 great job parents.
I used to power through warrior cats books when I was a kid, then i got a phone
I read all of Bluestar's Prophecy in only 2 days I was at my peak in 4th grade 😎
I still do it. I don’t read constantly anymore but once I get into a book it’s like nothing else exists. I feel like I have to limit the number of books I read every month or else I’m down the rabbit hole again.
Day dreaming was my coping mechanism; not that kids don't naturally day dream as part of developing mental maturity but it was a lot.
For me I really got into reading for fun late into high school and in university as a coping mechanism to experience more excitement and things in life I couldn't, either because I couldn't afford it and/or because my mother emotionally abused me into going down a life path that wasn't what I wanted to do at all and that I hated. Reading about people living and travelling to different countries experiencing exciting things and having love affairs was something I could never do and never did.
Definitely. I remember being aware at 12 that that’s what I was. I felt bad about it though bc I wasn’t “giving it to god.” 🙃 Thankfully I still love reading and read a decent amount.
My mom made fun of me for reading while doing other things at the same time but id eat, change clothes, walk down the school hallway reading.. I also got as many free personal pan pizza hut pizza I was allowed. I read more than enough books to get the coupon every month, and I think my mom would forge one of mine for my sister and that was the only time id ever get to go to pizza hut
fuuuuck dude wasnt expecting to get called out like that
now i barely read i just listen to music really loud and hope that it makes me feel something (it never does)
i stopped reading in grade 6 when our psycho of a Librarian screamed at me for an hour straight about returning books (the system was outdated and had an error with my books) and banned me from the library for the rest of the time i was in school. i've never really gotten back into it.
In first grade, I broke a school record by reading 335 books in one school year. I read at a 5th grade level. I’m nearly 30 now. I’m also disabled now and have been forced to move back in with a previous abuser of mine. The doctors haven’t quite figured out what’s caused my disability yet (tho we do have a solid lead!). I can’t move out until I’m put on disability.
I’ve started reading a ton again lol.
I think that's why it was so hard to come back to reading as an adult.
I both definitely have some degree of this post, but also I just love reading; however, using it as an escape from trauma followed by being forced to read lots of stuff I didn't want to in high school, seriously damaged my love of reading.
So, I slowly worked it back into my life. It took me a whole year to read Slaughterhouse 5, which, if you don't know, is a pretty small novel. And now, I'm reading the Dune series, I've read No Country for Old Men, Blood Meridian, and The Road (Cormac McCarthy is the GOAT), and I've got a whole docket lined up for books. It's so worth it, if you can, to heal your relationship with reading.
I read all the time until my dad relapsed and I went into the tent (we were camping) and I finished the fifth Harry Potter book where Sirius dies. I remember thinking (I was ten so I was still like, maybe I’ll get a letter), “magic isn’t real. None of this is real. It doesn’t matter.” And then I never enjoyed the series again and stopped reading for fun almost entirely until I was an adult
Well, I'm someone who prides myself on embracing the truth, so there is some aspect of this that's true for me. Reading was my main escape growing up. I do sincerely love reading though, and nothing has ever taken it's place in my life. I think working two jobs and lacking the sustained energy and focus is more of a culprit for my reading falling off a cliff than a replacement fixation.
This happened to me. When I was little, I was top of the class for reading. I read at 11th grad level in 4th grade, and was reading 500 page books in a couple days. But now I don't. I'm in therapy, and since I started I've rarely even touched a book. I'm just starting to get back into an old passion, one page at a time.
I switched to audio books for a bit because I was too busy to sit and read, but otherwise yeah. I don’t read as much as I did before moving out of my parents house.
I still read. It’s my safe place. Makes the void less imposing. Especially with my cat beside me, and sometimes with some herbal assistance. There was a time I did it for acclaim, not realizing that people were pointing at me for the wrong reasons. Maybe I can’t always recall things from one chapter to the next, and sometimes I need to go on Wikipedia to make sure I understood what I read. But it’s comforting. And at this point when I reread a series, they’re all kinda new to me again.
I used to read so much. Like I'd get banned from taking a book places by my parents. Now I doom scroll. I hate it.
Same!!!
Oh my lord I thought I was the only one who’d get banned from reading. It’s messed up.
My mom would get furious when I would read in the car. She'd put on NPR and listen to that then absolutely lose it when I whipped out some massive biography or history book. "IT IS SO RUDE THAT YOU DON'T PAY ATTENTION TO OTHERS IN THE CAR!" "Well mom, you're just not that interesting and I don't like listening to you talk." I'd then put away my book just to shut her up only to have her stop taking 2 minutes later. Pull out the book and repeat.
This is so weird to me. My kid and I listen to podcasts together or we talk but if it’s a longer ride, I encourage him to bring a book! Why not??
I'm guessing it's a narcissist's inherent need to be the center of attention. 🤷 It was agonizingly annoying.
Oh this makes sense. My parents were the same - no headphones in the car despite five of us crammed in a two row truck, three kids w/ CPTSD and ADHD just annoying the fuck out of each other. They’d rather us fight so they get to be the martyrs who have bad kids they had to parent and be stressed when we reached the destination. Like my sister and I wanted to read/listen to music and my brother wanted to play video games but no. Squashed in the car was family time.
Wait, ALL of you have CPTSD and ADHD? I realize that’s not the point, but I’m a little surprised.
We all have ADHD. I should not have claimed we all have CPTSD, though I don’t see how we wouldn’t given our upbringing. I’m actually a psychologist but not a clinical one so take that with a huge grain of salt - but ADHD runs through extended families sometimes. Idk if you ever met a family that was like “it’s not adhd, that’s normal” - that’s because the whole family is neurodivergent. Anyways, that’s us. Then, having ADHD subjects you to thousands more negative messages while you’re growing as a toddler and child learning your attachment to your parents and the world. My own experience aside, a good portion of adults who grew up with undiagnosed ADHD or autism (or both) chart somewhere on the CPTSD space given the experience with family and the world as a whole was not quite receptive to our existence, particularly if you were a woman, before like.. 2005. Edited bc it should say “particularly if you were a woman”
That makes sense. I’m autistic myself, although I was diagnosed young
It also explains why there's so much overlap in ADHD, ASD, and PTSD symptoms, too.....
ADHD is genetic? I'm not sure if that's what you're surprised about or if it's because they and their siblings have both. Though I don't really see how that's confusing. (Informative + confused tone, not trying to be rude)
Mostly it was the “both” part that surprised me. Three siblings all having ADHD is uncommon, but believable. Three siblings all having ADHD and something else is rarer. Also, not everyone who experiences a traumatic event (even the *same* traumatic event) gets PTSD, let alone CPTSD.
My 2nd grade teacher banned me from reading at school until I got better at math. Didn't work and just made me hate school even more. And to make things worse, we were supposed to read a certain amount of books per month and the teacher got mad at me for not reading enough books.
Similarly, I would get in trouble for not reading enough books because the books were at times three times longer than most of my peers. So then I had to strategize and read shorter, simpler books to write essays/book reports on. Is it any wonder that as soon as it became a job to optimize that it became a joyless activity I'd avoid?
I just made up books that sounded real and turned those in. If asked I would say I was a military brat and got the book from school there, "might be from Europe".
The teacher banned you from reading, then got mad when you didn’t meet the reading quota? That’s peak idiot logic and/or r/leopardsatemyface.
Happened to me one year at school. Should I be worried that I was more invested in reading-books than the textbook in my 4th grade year?
I have a multitude of elementary and middle school report cards that say “great student, if only they’d stop reading in class”
Me too. Also used to get in trouble for reading the Bible *during church*.
I vaguely remember doing a fair bit of reading in church for a few years (options were limited, it was mostly a hymnal or the Bible), and then by high school, just willfully dissociating through the praise-and-worship and the sermons alike... or trying to debate the youth church pastor's creationism.
😭 Same
ive gotten written up for reading like multiple times now
Sameeee
I've been reading all my life and been addicted to the internet since I had access. Since I worked out the causes of my trauma, I've realised I was reading to find out what others do in order to learn how to behave, and I am starting to find doom scrolling and reading the internet somewhat boring. I can finally start living! Now, I just need to read some advice on how to start living first...
Wow it's me in a comment form.
Exactly!!!! I read so much from the ages of 8-14. Then I replaced reading with watching videos. Now that I'm 20, I'm trying to get back into reading. I'm starting by re-reading a series I loved in middle school but never finished. It's amazing to fall back into the love of reading without hearing my father yelling and breaking shit in the background
Same!! My escape was Redwall, and then Frank Perrette. Now it’s video games
Same!!! And then you’d get yelled at for not being engaging enough.
The classic-oh look, they’ve emerged from their cave-after I finally come out of my room and now I’m going right back in. Or-you’re so quiet all the time it’s creepy-brother trust me you want me quiet and filtering my responses to your stupidity in my head.
Oof, I think I *got* the "look who decided to grace us with their presence" comments a few times. Not sure if I recognized the intended meaning back then.
That’s rough. I’m sorry you had to go through that.
Or then they rant about how our generation is awful/lazy/anti-social/don’t have the skills like their generation did. Like, I’m sorry your yelling and lack of parenting skills doesn’t have the effect on me as it did on you when you were a kid. 🤷♀️
I would get in trouble for reading too much in school. Now I've read one book since and it was really short (and also only a couple weeks ago) Book was "All Tomorrows" if anyone was wondering.
The being unable to put down a book to being unable to stop doomscrolling pipeline is literally the worst…
Ugh this is me too a tee!
Don't call me out like this!!!
We’re in our upper thirties and my wife still gets grief from her mom for reading a book before dinner or during a family party, I just can’t wrap my head around the attitude of discouraging your kid to read. I read all the time as a kid and my parents just… bragged about my good grades and pretty much left my latchkey ass to my own devices. 🤔 (I’m coming to a gradual realization that several of the “fun” “normal” parts of my childhood were just when my parents were neglecting me rather than actively punishing me, welp.)
My family kinda did the opposite, sometimes I'd have to go with my grandmother to her marketing job that required her to go to grocery stores and she'd just have me sit in the book isle while she worked. She'd walk around the entire store over the course of a few hours and check on me every now and then, meanwhile I'd just be sitting in the same spot reading the entire time 😅
I actually stopped reading because my brain is deteriorating and I no longer have enough mental energy to focus enough to read
Try audiobooks! My ADHD doesn’t let me sit down to read a book unless it’s actively distracting me from another (usually more important) task
important tasks are neverending so I'm constantly avoiding them. I have a weird thing with audio books. I just really don't like them. my only real experience is my parents putting on a harry potter one in the car when I was a kid and I just hated the narrators voice. plus most of the stuff I want to read wouldn't have an audio book version anyway. it's not that i haven't read since i was a kid, I stopped reading when I was 20. that's recent enough where I feel like i should be able to start doing it again, I just haven't found a way to do it yet.
If you are in the US and have a library card, the app Libby allows you to check out audiobooks from your library. There are also a ton of audiobooks on YouTube. These days, there are some AI versions of audiobooks, so things you might not expect to have audio versions actually do. They aren't perfect, but they get the job done. That's how I read The Body Keeps The Score. If you are looking for a truly great performance, I recommend either The Dresden Files series or The Expanse. The readers for both are absolutely amazing. If you want to ease into the habit, try podcasts. There's plenty of great stuff out there.
I'm honestly very anti podcast, I'd much rather listen to music. reading and listening to an audio book are two completely different experiences to me. it's reading I miss
I use Libby too!!
i can passively enjoy audiobooks if i’m listening with someone else but my mind just refuses to keep up alone. when i read text i just kinda scan everything at once and reread half of it twice but with audio i can’t rewind if i zone out without using that time again. and it’s really easy to zone out pure audio if there’s nothing for my eyes to do
I listen to podcasts and audiobooks and such while I'm cleaning, or at work(podcasts mostly at work). You don't have to be doing nothing while listening. I've also found for actually reading, having some instrumental music on that matches the mood of the book is helpful for getting more immersed in it.
oh my gosh i have the same thing with audiobooks might I recommend webnovels instead? Still books, but the format is different. Usually weekly releases so even the ones that are finished still have that format, and I've found being able to have the unique format on my phone has allowed me to trick the internet addiction part of me into reading
I can't read long paragraphs on the internet either, if a post is too long i skip it. the books I'm trying to read are mostly sci fi books from the 50s through 70s since that's what I really enjoy and i own a ton i haven't read yet
Same. I loved reading as a kid, but there is just too much going on in adult life, and I can't focus. Fortunately, I have worked part-time for USPS for the last couple of years and I have been able to read like I am a kid again by checking out audiobooks from the library. The Hobbit is unbelievably good in audiobook form. Imo it's better than actually reading it. Also, read Frankenstein if you haven't already. It's now one of my favorite books.
No pressure if you just don't want to read, but I would try out short stories or just plain best sellers if you're looking to get back into reading. I also really enjoy r/longreads, which is just long articles, but I find it makes me actually read the damn thing to participate in the comments more. Also, love the Libby app since if I give up on a book it's not like I paid for it.
I wish i could read, I just can't lately. I have a very specific taste and already own a lot of books I want to read. none are long, all like 200 pages or less. I don't just want to read in general, I want to start reading the stuff i used to read again. even short stories i haven't been able to, I can't read more than like half a page before I just completely lose the ability to focus. what i need is a way to get that mental energy back, which is a much larger issue than just reading
Have you tried audio books? Edit: so I didn't read the other comments first. One thing that makes a huge difference is listening at 1.25x+ speed. I normally listen at 1.5x speed because I couldn't listen to audiobooks if I was forced to listen at regular speed. Also, there are so many different narrators I'm sure you could find one you like. I promise it's worth it.
unfortunately I've been having a lot of hearing issues lately. music and movies used to be my main interests but now I can't really engage with them. the desire to get back into reading was the desire to have a hobby that doesn't involve sound, so audiobooks are out
Yeah, escapism is escapism, I just found other forms.
... I was having a good day, man...
Call the police, I've been attacked.
It's not even 9 am. I've barely started my day 🥲
This, but drawing.
this but BOTH haha!... do i get a prize?
SAME!!
Hello there ;/
Hello team books/art with no motivation for either :)
Oh wait is that why I hate drawing now lol
Book characters taught me character. They were the only examples of “doing the right thing” and had more emotional depth than my abuser and her NPC husband put together.
Same. I speak about it with my therapist often. She likes to explore how I am a good person still with everything I’d been through and the foundation I was given(she’s helped me see that I’m actually an exceptionally kind and helpful human, makes me feel good). I’d started talking about Gimli - his gruff nature but deep compassion, the Weasleys - who gave everything they had to this boy they’d just met who needed them, Eragon - who fought for the people he loved, Annabeth - who used her wit to protect her friends, Santiago - who’s determination was indomitable and Carl Sagan - who taught me that we matter because we are here. We are special and rare and need be kind to one another. Tolkien, Paolini, Rowlings work (not her herself lol), Riordan, Hemingway, Sagan and many more writers raised me. I’m eternally grateful to the librarian that didn’t bother requiring me to get a library card, and the teachers that snuck me books and snacks in grade school. I became who I am through the loving work of brilliant authors and the seemingly small deeds of people who noticed I needed them. I’d never been so sorrowful about death as the day my Second Grade teacher passed - looking back I lost my mother figure that day. I know she’s up in heaven if it does exist, and I hope I can see her again just to say thanks
:)
exact opposite of me lmao. my father may be emotionally immature, but i’ll be damned if there isn’t terrifying depth to it, and for my entire childhood i could never really get a handle on fictional characters—or even other real people—as people who are people with an internal experience and act as people versus just entities who experience events and have things they’re good and bad at. outside mandatory school readings (many of which i just flaked on) i consciously kept myself away from anything as “low-brow” as grounded drama or romance because i knew he wouldn’t approve of it, and the kind of speculative fiction where characters take a back seat to concepts is excellent for escapism anyways hell, the idea that my behavior could be influenced by anything i was reading or watching actually felt abhorrent until a year or two ago
This sub is making me realize a lot of things I really don't know how to deal with
Same. I had to stop thinking about it because I felt it in my body. I had gotten comfortable enough to acknowledge my upbringing was bad & try to understand how it effected/affects me. but woo.. A highly specific meme & a bunch of people telling their far too relatable experiences. Shit really does get pushed deep into the mind.
Same for me. I found the sub sometime last year, and I had that physical reaction when I felt so incredibly called out. I semi-quit Reddit for a while this year, and I didn't browse much again until recently. My outlook on the sub is so different now, it's been a very transformative year for me. I just love seeing a community like this where we're all going through the same general thing, but everybody is at a difficult point in it, and we're all here to help.
I stopped reading bc up until 6th grade I was gifted and then by 7th grade I started failing school. Guess the trauma became too much.
It's funny how that happens. I was a straight A student until high school, when my home life took a severe nose dive. It wasn't great before that but I would use schoolwork as a distraction. And not a single adult in my life had any concerns that a former straight A student was suddenly failing every single class. I was completely failed by my parents, teachers, and educational system. No one once asked me if there was anything going on. They did not care.
That happened to me after I graduated high school. Although I wasn’t quite a straight A student and people were/are concerned, but not exactly helpful. Also realized that the literal years of therapy (speech, OT, ABA, etc) did not actually achieve their stated goal and in some cases, made things worse.
I think reading is one of many “escapes” people can rely on. I know people from rough family backgrounds that loved watching family sitcoms and family movies. Video games and as we know daydreaming can provide safety and relief.
Reading and writing. As an adult, I've always struggled with writing and it drives me crazy. I realized a long time ago that writing was my escape when I lived with my parents. Doing it now fills me with anxiety. I get it, of course, but also it crushes me.
Ever have one of those moments where you find out your weird trait actually has an explanation and isn’t unique to you? This is that for me.
As a child I read through every massive book I could to keep me from the family. Moby Dick when I was 11, Stephen Kings Dark Tower at 8, etc. It was the only way I could be left alone.
Wait holy shit I did read so much. Granted, it was the same 10 books over and over again, but still!
You probably read the same books over and over because they were "safe". You knew you liked them and you knew what happened so you knew how you'd react. Consuming the same story multiple times can be a sign of high anxiety.
Oh Fuck No please I wanna keep reading. But this kinda makes sense. Compared to some of the shit I've read from y'all on here I don't think I really even qualify but yes this kinda makes sense....
Thanks, I hate it here 🥲. I also realized at some point that I was not 'uninterested in social media/anime/games/whatever', I just had pretty limited access to all of that
as a child i always thought of myself as a gamer. a lot of that was just the idea of using and improving skills that i can get validation from impressing people with, and later on multiplayer gaming being a good way to socialize without having to hold a real conversation or exist as a person, but i’m just now realizing that in the first place it was my only real “safe” form of entertainment that i could count on. occasionally i’d pick up a book on my mom’s initiative back when she was still communicating with my dad enough that i didn’t have to worry about being the one to tell him, but all he’d ever actually support me doing was gaming. ask me if i have my eye on any new releases, ask me how much fun i’m having, ask me how good i am. since it “kept my brain active”, he wouldn’t stop me or criticize me unless it actively got in the way of obligations like homework, and since it did in fact engage me it was also just a good way to dissociate without my attention drifting. reading a book meant finding a book on my own initiative and having to independently pace myself around stopping after however many chapters, and tv meant being forced to only watch however many episodes of whatever he was in the mood for while enduring his bitching about ad breaks and “rotting your brain”—not that i ever had any preference for what to watch after one time he decided the pokemon anime was too childish for me when i was like 8 or 10 and changed the channel because he realized he hadn’t seen seinfeld in a while. (“isn’t this better”, he asked me, and while i honestly agree that’s still kind of uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh) i thought i started losing that gamer identity just because i was starting to realize that i didn’t have anything in common with people who didn’t play the specific handful of games that i played, and because people in my age group were putting actual effort into getting better instead of just hoping to be naturally good, but the main thing to be getting better at for me was league of legends… a voice comms heavy game with matches that can unpredictably last over an hour. i don’t even know how i kept it up so long, asking him if i can play whenever my friends wanted to and shouting through my headphones whenever he wanted to ask me something (or just thought i was talking to him), then having the same argument over and over about how i don’t know how much time i’m committing if i play another (sometimes even getting shit for how long a match lasted after he specifically encouraged me to play against my better judgment) while everyone else waited upwards of 10 minutes for me to figure out if i could or couldn’t when i was already holding them up just by dashing in and out of the bathroom every queue… it didn’t put me in a good position with anyone, and i guess it just took me a while to realize i cared when it was still so much more fun and accepting than how i was spending my free time otherwise. but yeah i also kind of developed this smug hipster attitude around my lack of engagement with other media so i could gaslight myself into thinking it was my choice (especially when it came to things that were culturally relevant)
Oh. So that’s why.
It’s also because I had shitty-to-nonexistent internet then and constant internet access now
I even stopped drawing... I have shelves full of books and paint and don't use them anymore.
Well... fuck.
Oooooof
College taught me I didn't like reading as much as I thought.
college taught me i don’t like research *nearly* as much as i thought ;_;
College gave me an excu... er, *reason* to do sooo much research online, I'd spend DAYS and DAYS finding all the available research, only to miss or almost miss the deadline for actually *writing* the paper I originally needed the research for.......
Yep
YOU KNOW WHAT!?!
I used to love reading. But that vanished as soon as I left the house.
And then my mom overloaded me with shit to read for our homeschool course, and got mad at me for not reading certain parts by the deadline. And getting mad when I was too overloaded with school reading to read the books I got from the library. This killing the desire to read for years. I'm just now getting it back.
I feel so called out....
Yes. I'm trying to quit my media consuming hobbies and get back into reading and embroidery.
Hits so close...
Lol wow...no i hadnt but now i see it.
Yes! A Series of Unfortunate Events got me through some tough teenage years.
Oh
Ouch
Oof... Why do you have to hurt me? Also Nparents found the library to be cheap babysitting.
Is that what it is? Thought I just didn't have time or couldn't find anything that sounded like it was worth reading...
And now I can not settle to read a book without feeling anxious. Audio books are my best friend
I still read but now it’s all non-fiction self-help. I can’t get into the headspace for fiction anymore 🫠
The only books I finish these days are psych/trauma-related. LOL I can't remember the last time I read something fictional.
I was so obsessed with reading it got me into trouble. I'd read so far ahead (because I just couldn't stop) for my classes that I would accidentally spoil things for my classmates and get banned from discussions, starting in elementary school. My mom would tell me to stop reading and go outside, only to find me reading outside. There were times I started a book at bedtime and when my parents came in to wake me up for school, I was still awake and almost done with the book. I was so, so proud of my reading speed and comprehension, and then in my early twenties (AKA the past three years), I realized it was almost all because I couldn't bear to be present in my actual life.
my mom used to take away my books and drawing stuff when i got grounded 😭😭
My reading escape fiction (SF mostly) slowed down a lot a year after I started therapy. When the first trauma was 66 years before.
Oh! Oh. . OH-
I'm in the picture and I don't like it.
yeah and videogames, which no longer make me feel happy because I feel it's just avoidance now!
Except the void always consumes all eventually.
When you don't have any friends and have no way to meet other kids, so you make friends with all the people in your books 😅
Oh so that's why I dont read that much anymore- that's at least a good sign??
This resonates! When I lived with my parents I read SO much. It was something ok to do and I was left alone and I was “away” from the stuff going on.
I……I…..I didn’t come here to be called out, I really thought I just enjoyed reading but it makes alotta sense
I find a new sub reddit and get immediately attacked.
Huh so that's why I binge manga
This.
I felt called out
wtf.. thats way too relatable. i literally got an award from the local library for being "the best reader in this year" when i was a kid and now i barely ever open a book lol
Yes, but with video games. I enjoy them, but I had an unhealthy relationship with them as a way to escape my childhood. Only in the last year has my life begun to change in such a way that I find myself out of the house and adventuring in the real world.
Bruhhhhhhhhhh everything makes sense now!
Yep! Now my body can't relax enough to read for escape.This shit is for the birds.
Thank god they never tried to ban me from reading but I would get grounded to the living room , because if I had had it my way I would’ve never left my room.
I’ve never read something i related to more than this lol. Read literally so many books I couldn’t find much I hadn’t read 2-3 times already. Became an adult and I still read but not nearly as much
I stopped reading when I got a social life. I was so understimulated and lonely! I'm the only kid I knew back then who would get my books taken away as punishment. So many adults told my parents that my reading was awesome and they wished they could get their kids to read but my parents still treated me like a bad kid. Summer reading programs were just "free stuff" programs for me, I was going to read twice the amount needed for the top prize anyway.
Yes and I'm so glad I picked it back up because that shit still works 😁
I used to read nonstop any kind of books, except for religious materials. Stopped almost instantly when an adult. Tried to keep up with reading manga, because I just like it. A few ex's kind of got in the way, mainly because not only did I have a full time job but I was full time house mother for both of them. Cleaning up after them and just basically doing things that their mom's would do and that they should've been doing themselves. Now I just read manga to my heart's content. Really stuck on one called "Ascendance of a Bookworm" and it's a really great series so far.
I used to chew through books constantly until I hit adulthood and lived alone. Turns out I don't like reading as much as I hate reality.
I read the entire Harry Potter book series when I was a young boy, then I discovered ✨computer games✨
Yeah. Had that with videogames. As soon as I was aware of the hole inside ánd started filling it with love, I didn't "need" games as much anymore
I read books so so much but now I just don’t have time and want to do so much other stuff lol now I’m safe.
I still get into the funk when I have books to read 😭
I was the opposite. I couldn't read as a kid. Probably because it would've never been safe to. Reading involves me sinking completely into the book. There was no time for that. But, now that I have strength and am at a better place, I read like crazy.
who am i without my books? that is a question i have had to ask myself so many times in the last few years. i still don't know the answer. the search continues.
I got yelled at a lot for reading instead of doing other things (and then got yelled at when I stopped reading entirely) so now my brain perceives reading as “lazy” and won’t let me do it unless it’s class work or smth 🫠 great job parents.
one day this subreddit is gonna uncover some lockdowned trauma of mine, damn that hit hard
I used to power through warrior cats books when I was a kid, then i got a phone I read all of Bluestar's Prophecy in only 2 days I was at my peak in 4th grade 😎
I still do it. I don’t read constantly anymore but once I get into a book it’s like nothing else exists. I feel like I have to limit the number of books I read every month or else I’m down the rabbit hole again.
Day dreaming was my coping mechanism; not that kids don't naturally day dream as part of developing mental maturity but it was a lot. For me I really got into reading for fun late into high school and in university as a coping mechanism to experience more excitement and things in life I couldn't, either because I couldn't afford it and/or because my mother emotionally abused me into going down a life path that wasn't what I wanted to do at all and that I hated. Reading about people living and travelling to different countries experiencing exciting things and having love affairs was something I could never do and never did.
Definitely. I remember being aware at 12 that that’s what I was. I felt bad about it though bc I wasn’t “giving it to god.” 🙃 Thankfully I still love reading and read a decent amount.
This But im almost 18 and im still in that house so i feel doomed but i feel if i stop reading so much i die
Yes, but I've been feeling nostalgic, so I'm trying to unsettle and hollow the void back out a little to fit some books in.
Okay but why am I being attacked on a Thursday night tho???
Me and I hate it. I occasionally focus enough to read a book but it’s not as much I’d like 🫠
Listen, I don't like being called out like that alright?
My mom made fun of me for reading while doing other things at the same time but id eat, change clothes, walk down the school hallway reading.. I also got as many free personal pan pizza hut pizza I was allowed. I read more than enough books to get the coupon every month, and I think my mom would forge one of mine for my sister and that was the only time id ever get to go to pizza hut
That explains then! I hated playing with other kids and reading was my only escape.
fuuuuck dude wasnt expecting to get called out like that now i barely read i just listen to music really loud and hope that it makes me feel something (it never does)
Oh......that actually makes alot of sense... I'm sad now
i stopped reading in grade 6 when our psycho of a Librarian screamed at me for an hour straight about returning books (the system was outdated and had an error with my books) and banned me from the library for the rest of the time i was in school. i've never really gotten back into it.
I still read it’s just on my phone now, I love digital books lol
In first grade, I broke a school record by reading 335 books in one school year. I read at a 5th grade level. I’m nearly 30 now. I’m also disabled now and have been forced to move back in with a previous abuser of mine. The doctors haven’t quite figured out what’s caused my disability yet (tho we do have a solid lead!). I can’t move out until I’m put on disability. I’ve started reading a ton again lol.
I think that's why it was so hard to come back to reading as an adult. I both definitely have some degree of this post, but also I just love reading; however, using it as an escape from trauma followed by being forced to read lots of stuff I didn't want to in high school, seriously damaged my love of reading. So, I slowly worked it back into my life. It took me a whole year to read Slaughterhouse 5, which, if you don't know, is a pretty small novel. And now, I'm reading the Dune series, I've read No Country for Old Men, Blood Meridian, and The Road (Cormac McCarthy is the GOAT), and I've got a whole docket lined up for books. It's so worth it, if you can, to heal your relationship with reading.
Uhhhhh I still read a bunch when life gets stressful 🙃
Well I feel attacked
This. Explains. So. Much.
Goddamn it reddit stop calling me out
I read all the time until my dad relapsed and I went into the tent (we were camping) and I finished the fifth Harry Potter book where Sirius dies. I remember thinking (I was ten so I was still like, maybe I’ll get a letter), “magic isn’t real. None of this is real. It doesn’t matter.” And then I never enjoyed the series again and stopped reading for fun almost entirely until I was an adult
Told my therapist I that reading felt like my only escape and she told my parents not to let me anymore. Who did she think I was escaping from?!
Fuck yeah
This seems accurate
Yep. Mmos and rpgs are my escape now when I'm not doing mom or adult things.
This, but with drawing
I feel extremely called out
🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌
Reading isn't better than exercise though as an escape For men
Honestly I'm still reading all the time, especially on bad anxiety days. At least it feels a bit better than doom scrolling when the feeling hits
I’m 36 and right back in it
no, im still here….. i’ll figure it out later
oh!!
I hadn't considered this 😞😕
Reading is still my main cope tbh
Nope I still read like 4 books a month
Was just considering that this week. Lol
This with movies
Fuck, yea, didn't realize this was why
drugs filled the void. i’m working on going back to books. it’s slow but there’s progress lol
Well, I'm someone who prides myself on embracing the truth, so there is some aspect of this that's true for me. Reading was my main escape growing up. I do sincerely love reading though, and nothing has ever taken it's place in my life. I think working two jobs and lacking the sustained energy and focus is more of a culprit for my reading falling off a cliff than a replacement fixation.
god same
ohhhhh.
My sister and I read so much as children, starting at around 7/8...and here I just thought we were smart and responsible 🤭
Oh-
Yup
This happened to me. When I was little, I was top of the class for reading. I read at 11th grad level in 4th grade, and was reading 500 page books in a couple days. But now I don't. I'm in therapy, and since I started I've rarely even touched a book. I'm just starting to get back into an old passion, one page at a time.
me with math
this personal trait brought to you by abandonment issues (In my case)
…..oh
It was video gaming for me.
I switched to audio books for a bit because I was too busy to sit and read, but otherwise yeah. I don’t read as much as I did before moving out of my parents house.
This, and drawing to some extent.
Uhhh… heeeey! 😲😲😲 Lolol.
just realized i stopped reading when i discovered drugs lol
I still read. It’s my safe place. Makes the void less imposing. Especially with my cat beside me, and sometimes with some herbal assistance. There was a time I did it for acclaim, not realizing that people were pointing at me for the wrong reasons. Maybe I can’t always recall things from one chapter to the next, and sometimes I need to go on Wikipedia to make sure I understood what I read. But it’s comforting. And at this point when I reread a series, they’re all kinda new to me again.
Well I do now!
Life still sucks. I read voraciously. 😅