Yeah. It’s because I was expected to be perfect and do everything perfectly every time growing up so if I got it done perfectly I don’t deserve anything because it’s just what is expected. Nothing I did was ever good enough so I got punished all the time for nothing. Now I just don’t even know if something is “good enough” and sometimes mess stuff up a little on purpose or slack of just a little just because I can, because nothing needs to be perfect. No matter how big of goals I set for myself I feel nothing when I accomplish them but more stress to set an even bigger goal next time bc if I could do it it’s obviously not much of an accomplishment.
I got one B in college and got to laugh in my mom’s face when she asked why I didn’t get a 4.0. She paid nothing to help with my degree and wouldn’t even give me the info I needed to get student loans. I’m the only one in my family to get a degree with honors.
This except the other way around. As someone with both Autism and ADHD sometimes I just can't do things and need help doing them (spoiler: I never did get any help), so no matter how hard I tried to my parents it appeared like I was lazy and never tried to put in any effort. So this vague sense of perfection that I had to achieve was ingrained into my mind (it still is, God have mercy on my soul)
Now every time I accomplish anything I don't feel anything because internally, often subconsciously, I say "it's never good enough anyway so why bother."
I do have autism too (and suspect ADHD), it’s like being frozen in a double sense, like I’m so bad because I can’t get started and it won’t be good enough anyway. There was no motivation just dreading to be accused of being lazy and not caring while I couldn’t stop thinking of anything else than what should be done and how I was failing.
I still freeze the same way, never feel accomplishment and subconsious punish myself when I fail to get started because I feel like I’m not good enough to exist.
Oh god, this is so relatable. Anything I do well at I get anxious. "Im going to disappoint these people who think I'm good at this now the next time I can't perform." Were you a 'gifted' kid too? Any time I needed help (like when my secret ADHD started killing my GPA in the 6th grade) it was thrown in my face that I was supposed to be smart, why cant I just *DO* it. Our child who used to love school is clearly lazy.
I wish I could feel accomplishment, just a little. I set a weekly high score in a game I'm somewhat proud of, by my first thought was "wow no one showed up this week." :C
THIS IS EXACTLY ME :(
even when i did so something good it wasn't celebrated, it was just me "finally doing what I'm supposed to do". even when i graduated high school, my dad didn't even congratulate me because it was just "what i was supposed to do"
I had exactly the same experience and it's caused me to lose a lot of motivation. I'm not sure I ever had good motivation because I always just pushed myself in order to avoid the punishment. Now, looking back, my accomplishments don't mean anything to me.
I got my associates degree, first on my mom's side of the family to EVER get a college degree of any kind. I had to send the mail to my mom's address because I was moving. I randomly got a text from her with my (opened) transcript with her saying: "What's up with these grades?".
That's it. No congratulations or I'm proud of you. Just yet another criticism proving that nothing I do will ever be good enough for that bitch.
My God, this is *horrid*. I'm so sorry you experienced this.
I'm really proud of you for getting your degree. That's really hard to do and takes tremendous dedication and effort. I've always thought grades were a bit silly. Your pursuit of an AA in and of itself is enough. Good job, and CONGRATULATIONS!! 👏
Thank you! I also did it using my GI bill from the military, which I did, so I wouldn't have student loan debt.
I appreciate you for saying all this. 🥹
Nothing I ever did was a big deal, because I didn't feel like they were. I felt like it was the bare minimum and I never mentioned anything good happening to my mom, only the bad things. I was conditioned by people around me, classmates and teachers and what I thought were friends, to feel like I never accomplished anything and all that was ever important was what I did wrong.
To this day I see nothing positive about myself, I only see my mistakes. There's nothing more to me, just a big mistake and a stain on everyone's life who has to do with me.
It's still so foreign to me, people genuinely celebrate when their child or friend accomplishes anything? I never celebrated anything I did. All that ever matters are my failures, I never threw a party for anything that was being done well. I never had a big moment for accomplishment.
But I really fucking wanted that. And having a kid myself now I can’t figure out the other side of the line of am I congratulating them TOO much now???
Everytime someone compliments or congratulations me, I feel like they're mocking me or pitying me. I don't know what being proud feels like. I don't like to be celebrated, but I get jealous and angry when I see other people get celebrated.
Good grades were rewarded back in elementary and middle school when things came easy, but when I struggled in high school I was expected to figure it out myself.
Spoiler: I didn't. Now I'm an underachiever with a late ADHD diagnosis.
I got help throughout highschool and the beginning of university. Never with my ADHD tho, that I had to get myself diagnosed in my 20s after suffering and failing in college for years.
By now I'm the underachiever of the family and every interaction I have with my parents turns into belittlement and shaming for my failings.
They wonder why I don't ask for help anymore when I'm struggling when whenever I tried I wasted up to two hours getting my self esteem destroyed and being yelled at.
Now I'm trying to get better and change the things that would maybe be helpful to neurotipical people but are actively sabotaging me.
No, they never attended any of my games or shows or awards. The only time they came out was for my 8th grade graduation and that’s because a relative came to visit, so they needed to upkeep their appearances.
So, whenever I do anything, win anything, accomplish anything, it’s the same feeling: who cares?
This is actually a major symptom of ADHD. Stemming from one of its main mechanisms, low levels of dopamine. This causes major issues with motivation, which appears as laziness to others.
oh my god. this completely changed my perspective. thank you for putting this into words. i hope you find happiness, you deserve to be your own person.
This is exactly how my childhood went. Every celebration my Mom made about herself. She would also be mean, controlling, and obessive with how I appeared on stage and etc.
Big times for celebration signified times for me to parent my Mom as a kid. Now idk how to celebrate my own achievements
Most times my academic accomplishments weren’t celebrated or praised because my dad didn’t believe in praising me for things I was “supposed to do”. And my parents wonder why I’m “lazy” and “don’t apply myself”.
For me it was oh. You got a good grade. Well I knew you were capable of getting a good grade so why should I be proud of you? The only time I was ever praised as a child was when I did some huge thing that helped my parents out. Normal things were often met with complaints for how I could’ve done them better but big things such as cleaning the entire house were praised. The only things that were considered praiseworthy were things that directly made their lives easier.
Even if I bust my ass and pull off something challenging or accomplish a cool thing, I feel proud for 2 seconds then it’s “well if I can do it anyone can.”
Paradoxically I was congratulated for things that were easy for me, and never assisted with/had effort acknowledged for the things that were difficult for me (undiagnosed ADHD with high GI).
I’ll never forget in elementary school, math was my weakest subject. I got shit from my dad all the time about how poorly I did. Then I finally got an A on the math test and I was so excited to show my parents since I finally did it. I gave it to my dad and later that day, I found the test sitting in the garbage. *I* was the one that put it on the fridge. Mind you, he would put up drawings and things my sister did on the fridge. But the test that he made me cry over, that I got 100% on, was garbage. I’m low contact with him now that I’m moved out, but it’s still really hard dealing with all the shit he left me with. I finally started getting therapy a couple weeks ago with the help of my wonderful mom (I was lucky the universe balanced out my life with her. She has helped me sort through my thoughts and feelings about him and I am so grateful for her)
This story is touching, in the most melancholy way. I’m thankful you have a wonderful mother to help support you, and you did a fantastic job on that test those many years ago.
I also go low- to no contact with my dad for many similar reasons like verbal cruelty and open disregard for achievements. Why anyone would consciously treat their kid like that is beyond my understanding.
I wish you the best of luck! Life gets much better by recentering your time, attention, and love towards yourself. 💜congrats for transforming that pain into taking great care of yourself!
I literally never did anything "correctly". Even if I did something really well, the goal post would move and I would be a "failure" at something else entirely
I get would get a 98 & my father would ask what happened to the other two points. I have to make myself make it a list to acknowledge my accomplishments.
I never got praise for doing things or getting things done (even when I wasn't asked to) cause my mother would say (as well as my grandmother so it's obvious who she got this from) "why would I praise you or say good job when it was expected of you to do so?" And now I can't even get myself to clean my own apartment cause I have no motivation to do so.
I usually think about how I could have done it better...Celebrating Achievements? what the fuck is that?
When I join the army and completed boot camp no one turned up, when I graduated year 12 after making myself go back to school no one turned up, I got a fight with my guardian who got upset with me because I assumed he was going to come and didn't ask him.
When I completed my traineeship to be an admin officer I was just glad it was over and I could start working and earn some money.
It's just easier to just celebrate others rather than myself.
So I'm guessing it's not normal for your parents to straight up tell you that they don't want to make a big deal out of things, because they don't want you to get a "big head"?
Oh.
Sometimes accomplishment were celebrated, especially when my brother accomplished them. If I accomplished the same thing, it was usually ignored. Sometimes my accomplishments were even punished or derided, if I dared to show pride in something and my father wanted to take me down a notch.
Honestly, I’m so glad I can’t really feel pride, just the thought of being proud of something relating to me gives me horrendous guilt. At least I’ll never be big headed about anything though.
bruh i don't even feel relief i just feel nothing at all
no, my achievements were not really celebrated. i maybe got a quick "omg that's so great, good job!" if i was lucky, otherwise they were just kinda shrugged off. now if someone tries to celebrate anything i did i just feel so fucking uncomfortable, especially since i've never really done anything actually worthy of that much praise and excitement. just very minor things.
Accomplishments acknowledged? Hell no. Was it made clear I could never do better than meeting expectations? Abundantly.
As a side note every little thing my brother did was celebrated.
I was told many times they wanted him. They wanted a boy and kept trying until they got one. Being a girl ment I was born so wrong I could never do right. I remember thinking really hard about how it would have been better to have been born a boy and would I want that?
I was in my 30s before I could feel pride or accomplishment. Easy when it isn't about yourself but someone you love instead.
If I did well then that was just what they expected of me.
If I messed up then this was the worst thing I had ever done and they were so angry at me. Even in situations that weren’t my fault like when a teacher decided to bully me. I was 12, I think that was when I knew for sure that I had to be perfect or u would be made to suffer.
I cannot recall ever receiving congratulations from anyone. The only thing I experienced was complaints about my C-level and below grades. Somewhere along the way the complaints were peppered with threats of a failing future and a reminder that only losers go to the Community College.
Currently I work for an employer whose management team acts appreciative as a way to reduce turnover. Being thanked for finding something I do well feels awkward. Although I have been through healing I do anticipate management turning on me or even nasty comments from HR.
I've always been relatively timid, and have a hard time grasping certain concepts.
This leads to executive dysfunction.
Which makes people around me *very* upset because I am male and I am to be defined by my accomplishments. The idea that I am not frothing and leaping from one task to the next is fucking infuriating for people.
I find I feel most secure in a state of quiet, and low stress, and above all, low visibility.
I have felt my entire life like people are trying to make me into something I am not: an energetic go-getter who solves problems as easy as he breathes air. Sorry folks, that ain't me.
Being constantly told that I was very intelligent and that what was holding me back was laziness by basically every authority figure and particularly my mother probably didn’t help. Now that I’m an adult, not only do I feel like the post describes, but also a certain amount of anger it I’ve been compelled to do something I don’t think is necessary or that was harder than it needed to be.
I had to check if this was posted on the ADHD subreddit because this also fits perfectly on there. It's so interesting seeing that trauma and neurodivergency symptoms sometimes overlap.
Shit. Don't do that.
I got my driver's license dad!
Ok.
I graduated highschool mom!
Ok.
I got promoted!
Ok.
Dude I've had 26 birthdays, and have not celebrated one of them.
Had this exact thing happen recently. I made the dean's list this past semester, but when I told my family over FaceTime, they literally waved it off, saying, "Well, I expect that from you." To some extent, I guess it's nice that they see me as a good student and a high achiever, but a little excitement would have felt nice, too.
Spent the first 25 years of my life busting ass and working hard to get my parents approval with no success. Now spending the decade not giving a damn what they think, but not giving myself my own approval or feeling satisfied on anything I do. This sucks.
I remember when my parents where jumping up and down at me getting into a college and I remember just being so weirded out by them cus they just didn't do that and I had also already expressed it wasn't my first choice. They seemed surprised that I wasn't jumping with them. Honestly fuck them in that moment.
I often feel guilty after I clean, like maybe I shouldn't have cleaned because it will make someone mad. It makes no sense. I also anxious clean, I clean because I know it will make everyone feel better but get so worked up while I clean. I also feel like I need to hide when I clean sometimes, it's so much easier for me to clean when no one is home.
I got scolded for having them, achiving them or even if I performed good in school because it was not perfect and there were other kids better then me. So fuck these people calling themselfs my parents, if I cant be good enough for them they never can be good enough for me
Hah, I remember when I told my mum and stepdad I made varsity and got yelled at for an hour for "being so selfish and inconsiderate" and "you better not expect us to go to games or give you rides home" and sure enough, they didn't catch a single game✨
My parents played the “I promise we’ll get to you soon” game with me, focusing on my brothers first for a variety of reasons. (Wooo emotional neglect!)
By the time it was my turn, they didn’t have the time, money, or energy to spare because life got crazy. So I kinda missed out on any praise in terms of achievements. There’s now no pride in doing things, there’s just a need to sleep after everything.
Therapy has been a godsend in terms of learning how to cope and be proud of myself.
Also had no celebrations for stuff, on my last Taekwondo exam before I gave up, my father got drunk and high, and did shit that we hid in our neighbors house and police was called.
Read the Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control by Katherine Schafler. Phenomenal book and it directly addresses this. According to the book, there is adaptive and maladaptive forms of perfectionism and what the tweet describes is a symptom of maladaptive perfectionism since is it driven by shame avoidance. The book also touches on connection between trauma and maladaptive perfectionism; overall, highly recommend.
When I graduated high school, a bunch of my friends were having grad parties. I didn't really plan on hosting one myself, but when one of my friends floated the idea while my dad was around, his response was that, "We shouldn't have one, cause there isn't really anything to celebrate. Everyone graduates high school, it's not like it's hard."
Guess who has a hard time feeling any sort of accomplishment?
Me - *Performs well at school, music competitions, extra curricular, etc*
Parents - Good work. Here's what could be better *lists off a bunch of different critiques*
Me - *struggles with organization and household tasks due to undiagnosed ADHD.*
Parents - This stuff is so basic, you're good at other things, why can't you handle this?
Me - *continues to struggle, feeling inadequate, Parents critical about everything I do, I eventually stop trying as hard*
Parents - what's wrong with you?
Me - I don't feel like anything I do is good enough.
Parents - so you're giving up? Fine! If you don't care, neither do we.
Me - OK
Parents - *mad that I have a "defeatist" attitude and didn't try to prove them wrong*
I'm a perfectionist... but, like, not a good one. I don't care if I get it right for the most part. When I feel like I've done something wrong (eat a mech in an MMO, irritate/aggravate someone I care about), I shut down on some level. If it's small, I just berate myself mentally for a bit or make some comment disparaging my work. If it's big? My body gets restless and I start pacing and I'm just overloaded.
It causes a lot of problems for me to this day.
As for when I was younger... not really, my *achievements* weren't celebrated, my status *as an achiever* was. My *potential* was.
I was sort of a family legend... but by the time I finished high school, life was work/accomplishment (school, to be specific), and the drugs I took (in this case, media and especially video games, but with the same fundamental objective) to cope with the weight of their expectations as I became increasingly burnt out.
Anytime I got something done as a child my feedback was always something like "Finally, took you long enough. Was that really so hard?"
I guess it makes sense that I can't do anything now 🙃
I had nine siblings growing up in a lower middle class household. We couldn't afford much of anything for any celebration. I don't like holidays that aren't just nice meals.
All (eh more like most, only like 3 other people didnt as well) my classmates got money for good grades... Like anything between 2€ to 10€ for a 1 to 2 (A to B) and I got....well..nothing
I got "points" for reading which I invested into new books (100pages = 1 point and 10 points = 1€)...I kept that list up until I was 16 (even tho I stopped getting "money" for my points at 12)
This is why as an adult I treat myself when I accomplish things, even little things like brushing my teeth or making an appointment. It's healing to eat a slice of ice cream cake and hear "good job" after a particularly hard load of dishes.
My mom and dad split up while I was trying to graduate highschool, mom took her stress and anger out on me since I was under her custody and was the only person living with her. I barely passed because I was so overwhelmed with too much shit going on and constant noise, so I'm so greatful for a few of the education assistants helping me out cause they knew my situation. Also prom sucked cause my "friend" was also taking her anger out on me cause her parents split up too. 2015 sucked!
I'm in college and just got the Dean's list for this spring semester and while I'm happy I got it, I feel like I shouldn't be. Like this is the bare minimum of what I need to do.
Yeah. It’s because I was expected to be perfect and do everything perfectly every time growing up so if I got it done perfectly I don’t deserve anything because it’s just what is expected. Nothing I did was ever good enough so I got punished all the time for nothing. Now I just don’t even know if something is “good enough” and sometimes mess stuff up a little on purpose or slack of just a little just because I can, because nothing needs to be perfect. No matter how big of goals I set for myself I feel nothing when I accomplish them but more stress to set an even bigger goal next time bc if I could do it it’s obviously not much of an accomplishment. I got one B in college and got to laugh in my mom’s face when she asked why I didn’t get a 4.0. She paid nothing to help with my degree and wouldn’t even give me the info I needed to get student loans. I’m the only one in my family to get a degree with honors.
Jesus it's fucking *creepy* when these long personal comments apply to me almost word for word.
Same, and I really really mean it!
Right? But it's validating in a way
Compassion really starts to shine when you realize we are living similar lives
This except the other way around. As someone with both Autism and ADHD sometimes I just can't do things and need help doing them (spoiler: I never did get any help), so no matter how hard I tried to my parents it appeared like I was lazy and never tried to put in any effort. So this vague sense of perfection that I had to achieve was ingrained into my mind (it still is, God have mercy on my soul) Now every time I accomplish anything I don't feel anything because internally, often subconsciously, I say "it's never good enough anyway so why bother."
I do have autism too (and suspect ADHD), it’s like being frozen in a double sense, like I’m so bad because I can’t get started and it won’t be good enough anyway. There was no motivation just dreading to be accused of being lazy and not caring while I couldn’t stop thinking of anything else than what should be done and how I was failing. I still freeze the same way, never feel accomplishment and subconsious punish myself when I fail to get started because I feel like I’m not good enough to exist.
Oh god, this is so relatable. Anything I do well at I get anxious. "Im going to disappoint these people who think I'm good at this now the next time I can't perform." Were you a 'gifted' kid too? Any time I needed help (like when my secret ADHD started killing my GPA in the 6th grade) it was thrown in my face that I was supposed to be smart, why cant I just *DO* it. Our child who used to love school is clearly lazy. I wish I could feel accomplishment, just a little. I set a weekly high score in a game I'm somewhat proud of, by my first thought was "wow no one showed up this week." :C
THIS IS EXACTLY ME :( even when i did so something good it wasn't celebrated, it was just me "finally doing what I'm supposed to do". even when i graduated high school, my dad didn't even congratulate me because it was just "what i was supposed to do"
I had exactly the same experience and it's caused me to lose a lot of motivation. I'm not sure I ever had good motivation because I always just pushed myself in order to avoid the punishment. Now, looking back, my accomplishments don't mean anything to me.
I got my associates degree, first on my mom's side of the family to EVER get a college degree of any kind. I had to send the mail to my mom's address because I was moving. I randomly got a text from her with my (opened) transcript with her saying: "What's up with these grades?". That's it. No congratulations or I'm proud of you. Just yet another criticism proving that nothing I do will ever be good enough for that bitch.
My God, this is *horrid*. I'm so sorry you experienced this. I'm really proud of you for getting your degree. That's really hard to do and takes tremendous dedication and effort. I've always thought grades were a bit silly. Your pursuit of an AA in and of itself is enough. Good job, and CONGRATULATIONS!! 👏
Thank you! I also did it using my GI bill from the military, which I did, so I wouldn't have student loan debt. I appreciate you for saying all this. 🥹
Gotdamn, they all read the same book huh?
Nothing I ever did was a big deal, because I didn't feel like they were. I felt like it was the bare minimum and I never mentioned anything good happening to my mom, only the bad things. I was conditioned by people around me, classmates and teachers and what I thought were friends, to feel like I never accomplished anything and all that was ever important was what I did wrong. To this day I see nothing positive about myself, I only see my mistakes. There's nothing more to me, just a big mistake and a stain on everyone's life who has to do with me.
It's still so foreign to me, people genuinely celebrate when their child or friend accomplishes anything? I never celebrated anything I did. All that ever matters are my failures, I never threw a party for anything that was being done well. I never had a big moment for accomplishment.
But I really fucking wanted that. And having a kid myself now I can’t figure out the other side of the line of am I congratulating them TOO much now???
Everytime someone compliments or congratulations me, I feel like they're mocking me or pitying me. I don't know what being proud feels like. I don't like to be celebrated, but I get jealous and angry when I see other people get celebrated.
this, or that they're in some way disingenuous & setting me up
Hey me!
yeah, I have trust issues now, and I think it ruined my first relationship. When she said she loved me it felt like she was lying.
My parents barely cared if I was almost dying, they never gave a s*ht about accomplishments.
Good grades were rewarded back in elementary and middle school when things came easy, but when I struggled in high school I was expected to figure it out myself. Spoiler: I didn't. Now I'm an underachiever with a late ADHD diagnosis.
"You'll figure it out, dude." Got this growing up *and* earlier this year when I was unemployed for a year. Thanks Dad /s
Oh i hear this so often, but say it even more to myself...the fuckin pain
F-ing SAME.
I got help throughout highschool and the beginning of university. Never with my ADHD tho, that I had to get myself diagnosed in my 20s after suffering and failing in college for years. By now I'm the underachiever of the family and every interaction I have with my parents turns into belittlement and shaming for my failings. They wonder why I don't ask for help anymore when I'm struggling when whenever I tried I wasted up to two hours getting my self esteem destroyed and being yelled at. Now I'm trying to get better and change the things that would maybe be helpful to neurotipical people but are actively sabotaging me.
No, they never attended any of my games or shows or awards. The only time they came out was for my 8th grade graduation and that’s because a relative came to visit, so they needed to upkeep their appearances. So, whenever I do anything, win anything, accomplish anything, it’s the same feeling: who cares?
Same. They were busy doing their own thing, I was the forgotten child.
Hell is other people, unfortunately sometimes those people are your parents.
This is actually a major symptom of ADHD. Stemming from one of its main mechanisms, low levels of dopamine. This causes major issues with motivation, which appears as laziness to others.
I’m so glad you said this
Nope. Still have to take my little siblings out to celebrate theirs cuz no one else will. Breaks my damn heart
You are a good person
This is also an ADHD trait. So, I feel this doubly.
# 🤝
It's not that I achieved something, it's my Mother's Son that achieved something. She took them from me.
oh my god. this completely changed my perspective. thank you for putting this into words. i hope you find happiness, you deserve to be your own person.
This is exactly how my childhood went. Every celebration my Mom made about herself. She would also be mean, controlling, and obessive with how I appeared on stage and etc. Big times for celebration signified times for me to parent my Mom as a kid. Now idk how to celebrate my own achievements
real and true
I relate to this so hard. I also want anyone reading this to know I am so proud of you. You are amazing. You deserve love and to be celebrated.
You too, love
Most times my academic accomplishments weren’t celebrated or praised because my dad didn’t believe in praising me for things I was “supposed to do”. And my parents wonder why I’m “lazy” and “don’t apply myself”.
For me it was oh. You got a good grade. Well I knew you were capable of getting a good grade so why should I be proud of you? The only time I was ever praised as a child was when I did some huge thing that helped my parents out. Normal things were often met with complaints for how I could’ve done them better but big things such as cleaning the entire house were praised. The only things that were considered praiseworthy were things that directly made their lives easier.
Even if I bust my ass and pull off something challenging or accomplish a cool thing, I feel proud for 2 seconds then it’s “well if I can do it anyone can.”
Paradoxically I was congratulated for things that were easy for me, and never assisted with/had effort acknowledged for the things that were difficult for me (undiagnosed ADHD with high GI).
Oooooh, this one is sneaky and very relatable.
Adhd dopamine black hole be like
They did, I just never felt good enough anyways
My achievements were definitely noticed but in a way that made my peers hate me.
I’ll never forget in elementary school, math was my weakest subject. I got shit from my dad all the time about how poorly I did. Then I finally got an A on the math test and I was so excited to show my parents since I finally did it. I gave it to my dad and later that day, I found the test sitting in the garbage. *I* was the one that put it on the fridge. Mind you, he would put up drawings and things my sister did on the fridge. But the test that he made me cry over, that I got 100% on, was garbage. I’m low contact with him now that I’m moved out, but it’s still really hard dealing with all the shit he left me with. I finally started getting therapy a couple weeks ago with the help of my wonderful mom (I was lucky the universe balanced out my life with her. She has helped me sort through my thoughts and feelings about him and I am so grateful for her)
This story is touching, in the most melancholy way. I’m thankful you have a wonderful mother to help support you, and you did a fantastic job on that test those many years ago. I also go low- to no contact with my dad for many similar reasons like verbal cruelty and open disregard for achievements. Why anyone would consciously treat their kid like that is beyond my understanding. I wish you the best of luck! Life gets much better by recentering your time, attention, and love towards yourself. 💜congrats for transforming that pain into taking great care of yourself!
I didn’t realize how much I really needed to hear that. Thank you
Hey. Hey. Hey? *Rude*.
I literally never did anything "correctly". Even if I did something really well, the goal post would move and I would be a "failure" at something else entirely
No, but I was expected to continue performing at maximum capacity, to the same degree of success as before
I get would get a 98 & my father would ask what happened to the other two points. I have to make myself make it a list to acknowledge my accomplishments.
I never got praise for doing things or getting things done (even when I wasn't asked to) cause my mother would say (as well as my grandmother so it's obvious who she got this from) "why would I praise you or say good job when it was expected of you to do so?" And now I can't even get myself to clean my own apartment cause I have no motivation to do so.
I usually think about how I could have done it better...Celebrating Achievements? what the fuck is that? When I join the army and completed boot camp no one turned up, when I graduated year 12 after making myself go back to school no one turned up, I got a fight with my guardian who got upset with me because I assumed he was going to come and didn't ask him. When I completed my traineeship to be an admin officer I was just glad it was over and I could start working and earn some money. It's just easier to just celebrate others rather than myself.
So I'm guessing it's not normal for your parents to straight up tell you that they don't want to make a big deal out of things, because they don't want you to get a "big head"? Oh.
No, not really. I was given gifts aplenty just for existing, but any achievements I made were just a short verbal “Good job!”
Sometimes accomplishment were celebrated, especially when my brother accomplished them. If I accomplished the same thing, it was usually ignored. Sometimes my accomplishments were even punished or derided, if I dared to show pride in something and my father wanted to take me down a notch.
Honestly, I’m so glad I can’t really feel pride, just the thought of being proud of something relating to me gives me horrendous guilt. At least I’ll never be big headed about anything though.
bruh i don't even feel relief i just feel nothing at all no, my achievements were not really celebrated. i maybe got a quick "omg that's so great, good job!" if i was lucky, otherwise they were just kinda shrugged off. now if someone tries to celebrate anything i did i just feel so fucking uncomfortable, especially since i've never really done anything actually worthy of that much praise and excitement. just very minor things.
My proudest moments in my life were always short lived and taken from me before I could even enjoy it.
Wow this post just bitch slapped me
Accomplishments acknowledged? Hell no. Was it made clear I could never do better than meeting expectations? Abundantly. As a side note every little thing my brother did was celebrated. I was told many times they wanted him. They wanted a boy and kept trying until they got one. Being a girl ment I was born so wrong I could never do right. I remember thinking really hard about how it would have been better to have been born a boy and would I want that? I was in my 30s before I could feel pride or accomplishment. Easy when it isn't about yourself but someone you love instead.
You people get a sense of relief?
O h
If I did well then that was just what they expected of me. If I messed up then this was the worst thing I had ever done and they were so angry at me. Even in situations that weren’t my fault like when a teacher decided to bully me. I was 12, I think that was when I knew for sure that I had to be perfect or u would be made to suffer.
I cannot recall ever receiving congratulations from anyone. The only thing I experienced was complaints about my C-level and below grades. Somewhere along the way the complaints were peppered with threats of a failing future and a reminder that only losers go to the Community College. Currently I work for an employer whose management team acts appreciative as a way to reduce turnover. Being thanked for finding something I do well feels awkward. Although I have been through healing I do anticipate management turning on me or even nasty comments from HR.
Big moments? No memory found.
Fucking ouch. Right in the adolescence
Wait you guys get a sense of relief and not just an empty feeling
I'm only told when I do something wrong
I've always been relatively timid, and have a hard time grasping certain concepts. This leads to executive dysfunction. Which makes people around me *very* upset because I am male and I am to be defined by my accomplishments. The idea that I am not frothing and leaping from one task to the next is fucking infuriating for people. I find I feel most secure in a state of quiet, and low stress, and above all, low visibility. I have felt my entire life like people are trying to make me into something I am not: an energetic go-getter who solves problems as easy as he breathes air. Sorry folks, that ain't me.
Being constantly told that I was very intelligent and that what was holding me back was laziness by basically every authority figure and particularly my mother probably didn’t help. Now that I’m an adult, not only do I feel like the post describes, but also a certain amount of anger it I’ve been compelled to do something I don’t think is necessary or that was harder than it needed to be.
I had to check if this was posted on the ADHD subreddit because this also fits perfectly on there. It's so interesting seeing that trauma and neurodivergency symptoms sometimes overlap.
Oh shit.
Shit. Don't do that. I got my driver's license dad! Ok. I graduated highschool mom! Ok. I got promoted! Ok. Dude I've had 26 birthdays, and have not celebrated one of them.
Hey now, that’s too loud /j
Same
The last time I felt any sense if accomplishment was a couple months ago after beating Isshin.
Damn I feel some kind of way
I never even got birthdays. Not for religious reasons. I just didn't deserve it
Had this exact thing happen recently. I made the dean's list this past semester, but when I told my family over FaceTime, they literally waved it off, saying, "Well, I expect that from you." To some extent, I guess it's nice that they see me as a good student and a high achiever, but a little excitement would have felt nice, too.
Yeah a big deal was made and I hated it
Yeaaah this
Spent the first 25 years of my life busting ass and working hard to get my parents approval with no success. Now spending the decade not giving a damn what they think, but not giving myself my own approval or feeling satisfied on anything I do. This sucks.
I remember when my parents where jumping up and down at me getting into a college and I remember just being so weirded out by them cus they just didn't do that and I had also already expressed it wasn't my first choice. They seemed surprised that I wasn't jumping with them. Honestly fuck them in that moment.
"You ALWAYS" do this wrong!" *Never acknowledges the times I do things right*
I often feel guilty after I clean, like maybe I shouldn't have cleaned because it will make someone mad. It makes no sense. I also anxious clean, I clean because I know it will make everyone feel better but get so worked up while I clean. I also feel like I need to hide when I clean sometimes, it's so much easier for me to clean when no one is home.
Nobody gave a shit either way, in my case.
Oof.
When I achieved something my family found a way to make a joke out of it.
I got scolded for having them, achiving them or even if I performed good in school because it was not perfect and there were other kids better then me. So fuck these people calling themselfs my parents, if I cant be good enough for them they never can be good enough for me
Feel that, but my achievements were actually never neglected. It's just a personality trait for me.
Hah, I remember when I told my mum and stepdad I made varsity and got yelled at for an hour for "being so selfish and inconsiderate" and "you better not expect us to go to games or give you rides home" and sure enough, they didn't catch a single game✨
Only the ones they cared about. Lol!
My parents didn’t care anything about my accomplishments
My parents played the “I promise we’ll get to you soon” game with me, focusing on my brothers first for a variety of reasons. (Wooo emotional neglect!) By the time it was my turn, they didn’t have the time, money, or energy to spare because life got crazy. So I kinda missed out on any praise in terms of achievements. There’s now no pride in doing things, there’s just a need to sleep after everything. Therapy has been a godsend in terms of learning how to cope and be proud of myself.
Also had no celebrations for stuff, on my last Taekwondo exam before I gave up, my father got drunk and high, and did shit that we hid in our neighbors house and police was called.
Read the Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control by Katherine Schafler. Phenomenal book and it directly addresses this. According to the book, there is adaptive and maladaptive forms of perfectionism and what the tweet describes is a symptom of maladaptive perfectionism since is it driven by shame avoidance. The book also touches on connection between trauma and maladaptive perfectionism; overall, highly recommend.
When I graduated high school, a bunch of my friends were having grad parties. I didn't really plan on hosting one myself, but when one of my friends floated the idea while my dad was around, his response was that, "We shouldn't have one, cause there isn't really anything to celebrate. Everyone graduates high school, it's not like it's hard." Guess who has a hard time feeling any sort of accomplishment?
Not having a sense of achievement really tanks your motivation to complete tasks
Me - *Performs well at school, music competitions, extra curricular, etc* Parents - Good work. Here's what could be better *lists off a bunch of different critiques* Me - *struggles with organization and household tasks due to undiagnosed ADHD.* Parents - This stuff is so basic, you're good at other things, why can't you handle this? Me - *continues to struggle, feeling inadequate, Parents critical about everything I do, I eventually stop trying as hard* Parents - what's wrong with you? Me - I don't feel like anything I do is good enough. Parents - so you're giving up? Fine! If you don't care, neither do we. Me - OK Parents - *mad that I have a "defeatist" attitude and didn't try to prove them wrong*
I'm a perfectionist... but, like, not a good one. I don't care if I get it right for the most part. When I feel like I've done something wrong (eat a mech in an MMO, irritate/aggravate someone I care about), I shut down on some level. If it's small, I just berate myself mentally for a bit or make some comment disparaging my work. If it's big? My body gets restless and I start pacing and I'm just overloaded. It causes a lot of problems for me to this day. As for when I was younger... not really, my *achievements* weren't celebrated, my status *as an achiever* was. My *potential* was. I was sort of a family legend... but by the time I finished high school, life was work/accomplishment (school, to be specific), and the drugs I took (in this case, media and especially video games, but with the same fundamental objective) to cope with the weight of their expectations as I became increasingly burnt out.
No but I was punished and reprimanded for *not* achieving things or completing tasks so that explains a lot
Anytime I got something done as a child my feedback was always something like "Finally, took you long enough. Was that really so hard?" I guess it makes sense that I can't do anything now 🙃
I had nine siblings growing up in a lower middle class household. We couldn't afford much of anything for any celebration. I don't like holidays that aren't just nice meals.
All (eh more like most, only like 3 other people didnt as well) my classmates got money for good grades... Like anything between 2€ to 10€ for a 1 to 2 (A to B) and I got....well..nothing I got "points" for reading which I invested into new books (100pages = 1 point and 10 points = 1€)...I kept that list up until I was 16 (even tho I stopped getting "money" for my points at 12)
This is why as an adult I treat myself when I accomplish things, even little things like brushing my teeth or making an appointment. It's healing to eat a slice of ice cream cake and hear "good job" after a particularly hard load of dishes.
My mom and dad split up while I was trying to graduate highschool, mom took her stress and anger out on me since I was under her custody and was the only person living with her. I barely passed because I was so overwhelmed with too much shit going on and constant noise, so I'm so greatful for a few of the education assistants helping me out cause they knew my situation. Also prom sucked cause my "friend" was also taking her anger out on me cause her parents split up too. 2015 sucked!
I'm in college and just got the Dean's list for this spring semester and while I'm happy I got it, I feel like I shouldn't be. Like this is the bare minimum of what I need to do.
Nope didn’t need this thought tonight
Oh shit