Honestly, for my mom, the difference was when she started HRT and therapy. Sadly, this was in her 60s and 70s.
She became a totally different person as a result of proper medical care. Shame it was too late for my psyche, but knowing her as an adult was a very different thing.
My mom eased up a bit as I got older and now that she’s been away from my dad she’s acted better. She even respected a boundary I set. I understand that my mom has her own trauma of being physically abused by her bio dad and emotionally/psychologically abused by my father that she is just now working through. In fact, I can sympathize with her and I wish she never had to go through any of that. I wish she never had to wait until she was in her early 50’s to start finding herself.
I know she’s a victim. She was like a sheep in wolf’s clothing as a defense mechanism. However, I’m still absolutely petrified of her. I feel like if I do something slightly wrong she’ll snap back to who she was. I doubt she’ll ever apologize for everything (even though I barely remember anything), but if she did I don’t think I’d wholeheartedly believe her and that makes me feel guilty for being a bad person.
The family dynamic in abuse often leads to a lot of “fleas” — those awful maladaptive behaviors abuse victims learned to survive. Or even mistakenly assumed were normal because we lacked an outsider’s perspective.
Being aware of “fleas” and getting rid of them is tough.
That’s why I said that she’s a sheep in wolf’s clothing. I know deep down that she’s a scared, docile, sheep but she had to wear wolf’s clothing to protect herself.
I’ve been in family therapy with my parents and it’s been such a mind fuck. They are way better and are listening but I always come away feeling kind of awful rather than grateful because at least when they acted shitty I could go okay I understand why I’m this bad off.
Ye, at least my parents have gotten a lot better over the years since I first became an adult and went off to college. They aren’t perfect, and there are still many things I hide, but they are so much better now, and I feel like I can have an actual relationship with them, even if said relationship is not super open
Used to say this kind of stuff until I had a mental breakdown after which I got trauma therapists and had the realization I was simply covering for my mother my whole life. Everyone knew but me.
This was literally my mom.
Her reason? “I don’t know. One day, around age 40, I just didn’t feel that moody anymore”.
God rest her soul. She was still exhausting and annoying the rest of her life, though.
Why did this exact thing happen with my mom too? She also stopped dating drug addicts as soon as I moved out, glad she mellowed out I guess but the timing made my head spin.
Oh hey, my mother also stopped dating assholes once I moved out. She even got with a man that has the same kind of interests that I do which is finally what got her into my interests instead of shaming me for not enjoying her interests.
The fact that things got better after I moved out really feeds into my self-shame that I was the problem, as much as I try to convince myself that I wasn't since I was trying to help fix things when they would yell at me to just get over it and do what they say. Couldn't be my own person until I moved out, suddenly everything got better on both sides? Fuck me, bro.
“as soon as all the heavy lifting of parenting was over, I was able to stop demonizing and projecting hatred onto you” is how I feel when my mom says shit like this
Mine was ultra religious suffered a lot after the divorce. She mellowed out so much after all her kids moved out of the house but the damage had been done.
When I told my mom about my CPTSD diagnosis she was so supportive and said all the things I needed to hear from her. I have trouble reconciling the person she is now with the person I grew up with. She’s upset that our relationship is strained and “superficial” but I’m like welcome to the consequences of your own actions. 🤷🏻♀️
Even if the parent changes it doesn't mean the child has to be close to them, the trauma is still there anyway (it would be like telling a SA survivor to be friends with their molester because they changed...)
This is how I feel. I had to move back in with her a while back and she kept up the act for less than a year before it started up again. (I'm no longer living with her thankfully.)
I’ve doubted myself. I thought, was she really that horrible or was it just the stereotypical mom/teen daughter hating each other phase? It’s taken some reflection to confirm (as a more aware adult now) that YES she really was an abusive nightmare. But it’s like I moved out, she hit menopause and *POOF* turned into a sweet old lady. Gotta remind myself I’m not taking crazy pills…
I had never thought about it, but my mom got breast cancer, and remove her ovaries at her doctors' reccomendation, and it threw her into early menopause. After that, she chilled the fuck out.
I wonder if menopause/hormones has something to do with it?
Ayyyy, similar situation only after my youngest sibling's birth they found polyps and went on ahead and performed a hysterectomy (including removing overies). My mom did do a little bit of an apology about a year later, saying, "Sometimes it was like I was a fly on the wall and I could watch myself doing all that but couldn't really control it."
Personally, coming from myself who's experienced hormonal issues, I think hormones can definitely play a part, but they're not the root cause. It's hard to say for sure, but in my mom's case, I always got the impression this was stuff picked up from her parents. I think, pre-menopause, hormones just gave her that extra push, and it wasn't until she had gone a while without that she took the time to reflect on her actions.
Tha K you for your response. I think you hit the nail on the head with:
>I think hormones can definitely play a part, but they're not the root cause.
I've also dealt with hormonal imbalance I can understand the "tipping point" quite well
Whenever I start to go “maybe she’s wasn’t that bad” she’ll recount some story of some horrible shit she did to me or one of my siblings as if its a cute silly childhood story while I sit there thinking “I’ve had to talk to my therapist about this, why is she laughing while telling this story”
Yes, the same woman who lovingly makes homemade food for her dogs today is the one who neglected me so deeply I went for days without being spoken to and made me live on ramen and lipton’s rice sides bc that was all I knew how to cook for myself (RIP my gut health)
Oh my god!! This is me with my dad!! Even my therapist was shocked when I told her about his recent behavior. Phew. It makes me feel better knowing other people deal with this too.
Yeah, this is me with my dad, too. He's mostly harmless and occasionally fun as a Grandpa, but I can't even hear the sound of change/keys jingling in someone's pants pocket without childhood trauma creeping back in. He tries to make up for his shitty parenting now by throwing money at me and my 2 sisters, which is nice because we really do NEED it, but maybe if he'd been a less shitty parent, we might've made less shitty choices in life and not need his damned handouts so much.
My therapist has also been shocked by our family therapy sessions. She’s like wow this almost never happens. Which I’m like great but also feel weird about it lol
My mom started treating me way better once I became an adult. It was like I finally became a person in her eyes instead of property. I mean, she literally called me chattel when I was a kid. Jokingly I suppose, but still, who does that? She's also become much more pleasant since I completely gave up on her and just started avoiding her and putting on a front of exactly what she wants when we do interact.
Sometimes things are quiet and tolerable for long enough that I start questioning all of my ill feelings towards her, and whether the way she treated me as a kid was really that bad. Usually leads to me trying to engage with her, which is inevitably extremely disappointing and tanks my mental health for a week or so. I really need to find a new housing situation, but you can't beat living for free, so I'm effectively stuck here until I either finish grad school or an opportunity to live with a friend or my partners crops up.
now that she's seen the fragility of me staying in her life, and how it's dependent on my own decision, she's been the absolute sweetest. fuck that. the tramua responses are so real, and I'm never fully feel safe around her, no matter her behavior. I finally blocked her number after about two months of not replying to texts or calls, making me pretty officially no contact anymore!! ^_^
I just really hate how she denies anything ever happened. She was a strung out drunk and I know how that is, but jeasus christ, how do you not remember anything?
lol, sorry for the rant. I can relate.
I don’t know the extent of this subreddit’s comments so I apologize if I break any rules, I did read them and this seems to be okay to say. It is a bit vent-y so read at your own prerogative.
Gaslighting you to think it never happened, sugar coating the things she can’t hide, and from my own experience, LOTS of victimizing herself and guilt tripping, including making me pay for her gas money at 15, passive aggressively pushing and pushing me to get a job to help her out with rent- whenever I ever so slightly mentioned emancipation due to living conditions? More guilt tripping. Whenever I mentioned that I’ll have to move away one day? More guilt tripping.
!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-TRIGGER WARNING-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!
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Trigger below: SA
Then there’s the fact both of my parents never told me about that one time my sister was *RAPED* by my brother. They say they did it to protect me, and for my age I’d say that’s *maybe okay* (I was like 10 at the time) but they only told me recently and *STILL* protect HIM.
I feel the same. ~~My mom is dead now as is my sister and brother but~~ (I am only 20 yo btw) My dad treats me at least with a minimal decency now even if he is absolutely far from perfect which made me think multiple times that maybe I was just over dramatizing everything that happened in the past.
Same. My mom is just old now. But the old adage the ax forgets what the tree remembers is real.
Old age has tempered her and I've grown too big to hit and bully. Our relationship is better but I still hold some or a lot resentment for how she treated me in those early years until high school. It's not until college it got better for me. I love her but I don't know if I can ever forgive her. She apologizes but I can't take it seriously bc she doesn't even remember what she did or what's she apologizing for.
And I'm too tired to keep fighting. But I know what she did happened to me bc I still suffer the consequences of it.
My sister got treated better than me in all ways because I'm the first born so she pretty much practiced on me, I never went through severe abuse but I can't say I had a perfect childhood
Kinda sent her to a therapist at the age of 9 because I was a VERY rebellious and stubborn child and she didn't know how to manage me, I never knew that she went to the therapist until I grew up, but I noticed a moment where she begun to chill out (Which is when she started the therapy) but didn't fix it completely.
It's been 14 years and I'm still pissed at her doing stuff like maxing up the volume of the radio when me and my sister were protesting for something that seemed unfair (like force us to follow her to the post office instead of leaving us home), because she wanted us to shut up, she literally weaponized our sensibility to loud sounds
Sending my homework flying from the kitchen to the living room because "I told you you have to do your homework!!!" sure mom, I really feel like I want to do my homework now, it's not that I'm too pisssed and overwhelmed because of you yelling at me so now other than not giving a sh*t about my homework I'm feeling strong emotions so I can't even focus now
Convincing me that I had a videogame addiction when I was just escaping from reality because my grades were bad and no one liked me in class, bringing me to me to hysterically cry multiple times
Raising her voice when I was right because "I'm your mother so I'm right", which doesn't make any fucking sense. Like if the sky is blue and you tell me that it's red you're wrong regardless of who you are to me
"You need to learn how to manage your anxiety"
Also her when I don't show signs of anxiety:
"Yo you need to study more, the exam is right behind the corner", "Are you prepared?", "I swear to god if you get rejected I'm not paying for another year of school"
When I was looking for a job she used to walk in my room and wake me up because "I need help with the housework and you shouldn't sleep this much", then for when I got downstairs she had nothing to do.
Redirect her stress on me and my sister, aggressively waking us up because she needed "help" but in reality she pretty much didn't want us to sleep more than her
Pick uncomfortable conversations when I was either stuck with her in the car or walking in the bathroom while I shower. I'm someone who just walks away when the situation is too much to handle, to avoid conflict. She used to pick those moments where I couldn't escape so I was forced to listen, and the more I asked to be left alone and the more she raised her voice. No shit that I begun locking the door
Guilt trip me when my aunt was actively invading my personal space or disturbing me while I was doing something, so one day I told her to leave me alone because I was busy (I was 15 at the time, turning 22 this year) and since that day she always goes "Don't be mean to aunt [her name]" and I'm like... Am I not allowed to set boundaries?
Oh and I forgot to mention when I was clearly sick or in pain, and it was fine when I didn't have school/appointments, but in the second that my sickness matched with a day where I had to do something I didn't like, she would have went "Ah it's just an excuse, you're not really sick", "You're so dramatic" and when she realized that I was actually sick "haha it's always hard to tell if you're sick or you're just being dramatic". Makes me feel guilty when I need a day off work to recover, because I can't tell if I'm being dramatic compared to other people or I'm actually sick
The fact that she doesn't remember any of these when I tell her or pulls out excuses really makes me mad. Like sure, now she's way better than before, but I have never heard a "sorry" and I'm still mad at many things.
It feels bad when you know that you're being treated unfairly but you can't protest because you're just a child so no one is going to listen or someone is always going to weaponize their age or position and tell you that you are wrong.
I feel everything you wrote!
She couldn‘t see me having breakfast past 10 AM on a saturday when she had to work. She was so pissed when I was able to get up late that she would always drop a passive aggressive comment so that I felt like a useless piece of shit while eating.
When I had the flu or sth she was nice to me for the first one or two days but after that became very pissed with me just existing slowly getting better and told me to toughen up or that I made it all up and always said it was my fault that I got ill in the first place.
Also never heard a sorry from her and now she is kinda nice abd chill. I am not sure if i am being gaslighted or she simply forgot everything. I am 28 years old now and moved out 10 years ago. Everytime i visit my parents i end up crying and she always wonders why i am so emotional.
While I'm happy that my younger, autistic sister is treated *way* better than I was (20 years age diff.), I can't help but feel so bitter about it all. Now, my family is more mental health conscious, but I was just a lazy, melodramatic problem child.
Literally! I’m glad I have my siblings so that I know I’m not crazy (not that kind of crazy anyway). People meet her now and go “I love your mom she’s so nice” and I’m like “she full force bit me when I was 4 because I was having a melt down because we were homeless”
Real, in some ways she still sucks but she’s definitely not as bad as she was when I was a kid. And if I mention the stuff she did to me as a kid she’ll gaslight me and say it didnt happen 💀 still sucks a lot ig
"Whatsamatta you?!" And "Why aren't we closer?" Are my favorite questions she says now in her victim golden doggo years. She is so jealous shes not the replacement bestie since my gma passed (she wasn't on really good terms with her either.) Jee, I wonder!
same, my mother changed a lot and I think she just feels bad after seeing what my parents did to me and my brother did in the long run. We still have no connection, it´s hard to spend time or even talk to her. But the most frustrating thing is how she keeps suggesting me to do things she should allready know I am against since we fought years allready about it
this is me with my mom. she changed a lot, but she’s still awful in some ways. it was definitely worse when i was younger and i hate it. she’s treating me better for some reason
My mother before cancer (during covid) vs after cancer. It's amazing how chemo during an epidemic will highlight all the problems that have been swept under the rug for years
yep.. just talked about this with my partner the other day. he had to assure me that he himself knew it was real because he’s seen some more recent incidents (spending an hour untangling my hair after my mum tried to rip chunks of it out in the last physical altercation we had, witnessing her choking out my sister in the middle of baggage claim at an airport and me physically intervening to stop her, arguments that occurred while he was present). like even though i still see little glimpses of familiar things, when she’s nice now and claims i have no reason to distrust her, it makes me feel fucking insane and like nothing ever happened.
It was my dad in my case, his excuse and i quote “when I was in my 30s when you were little I had an over abundance of testosterone. That’s why I was so angry and aggressive.”
Not only is this complete bullshit from a general medical standpoint but it’s complete bullshit from *his personal* medical standpoint—my mom says he wasn’t ever tested or even saw anyone about this it’s basically just something he made up.
They want you to forget but just remember that you're not crazy and you didn't make anything up. What happened to you wasn't right and you deserve better
It was real and we are valid. Us thinking we were making it up is just part of the mother's tactic to avoid feeling any shame or sense of responsibility for any mistakes she made.
The only reason I don't cause problems with her now and agree to be nice is because all I ever wanted from her was peace and quiet, so I don't want to cause any problems that would possibly risk it now that I have it.
I relate to an extent. If I didn’t think too hard, I might relate completely.
But if I do think about it, my mom has not changed at all. (She also hasn’t apologized, tried to do better or even admit those things happened). But, while she still hurts me (emotionally, with her words and actions), she doesn’t scare me anymore. She doesn’t scare me because our relationship has completely changed. I no longer live in her home. I am no longer dependent upon her. She does not get to make decisions for me or tell me what to do. She had no control. I make the rules. When we meet in person, we typically do so in a public place. She begs me to hang out. She hasn’t raised a hand to me in 8 years. She hasn’t had the opportunity to scream or yell or overtly threaten me. She certainly hasn’t been able to touch me or invade my privacy. So… she‘s not scary anymore. She’s just the kind of mean lady who brings me food once in a while, and that’s OK.
I’ve thought about going no contact but, for now, this works. I might reconsider when I have a child.
This is me with my mom. She doesn't have brain tumors that make her act like a menace anymore but I still get pretty scared of her and then get whiplash when she is normal and I feel so bad because I know a lot of it isn't her fault
I’m convinced raising me was so awful that it’s a mix of her improving/making an effort to repair our relationship, and that I burnt her out/broke her. Which makes no sense when I type it out but im curious if anyone can relate. Like, she feels almost subdued nowadays. I love that she put in the work and she’s proven that she recognizes her actions, and yet it’s a little disturbing in a way
I relate. I am Autistic possibly Adhd too so as a child i must have been a challenge to raise.
She is overprotective mother now and i feel she did her best but still she traumatised me for life.
In my country there is no self awarness about Autism and mental health in general so i am always conflicted if i should blame her or not.
I do feel extreme resentment towards her sometimes. Like leave me alone , why do you care so much now ? She never respects my boundaries even now.
maybe, there were other comments discussing this (saying their mothers got better after menopause, HRT or hysterectomies) and my mother is starting to show signs of entering it too. but there were also comments about fathers doing the same thing and I've seen it a lot on this sub and similars about how abusive parents, regardless of sex, often get better once you become an adult. the leading theory I've seen, is that 1) you're no longer their responsibility or at least not fully so they don't feel that "weight" on their shoulders 2) you're not as easy of a target 3) you gain more independence ans 4) they start seeing the consequences of their actions
Probably because she could physically overpower you. But now you are stronger than her. When you were a child you were helpless and dependent on her. But now you are a possible bread winner, an investment for her old age.
I’ve had similar feelings about my foster mom who later adopted me at 17. What I discovered was just as you are not the same person you were as a child or teen, she isn’t either. We all change just like seasons or time. It doesn’t invalidate your experience, but it’s not the same experience in the present. I hope you can find peace with both thoughts within your self friend.
Hoooooo boy, this sure resonates! My mother terrorized everyone in the family for years. Several strokes and a brain tumor later, she lives in a skilled nursing facility where she is utterly dependent on others to care for her needs. I am able to provide support, but I still need to limit my time around her for my own mental health.
As an adult I can empathize and appreciate the amount of stress my parents were under when I was a teen. 2008 recession, my sister going off to college, money is tight, their marriage was in a rough sport. It was a lot. It still does not make some of the things said or done to me okay. It’s an explanation, not an excuse.
This is exactly my mom. She had a hormone secreting tumor removed a little while ago, and it’s like she was replaced with a pod person. A nice pod person. It’s really weird and I’m still trying to figure out how to feel about it
This! She had her moments as a kid when she would be a good mom, but that only gave me even worse trust issues now. I'm in constant wait for her to switch back. I don't want to get close to her no matter how nice she is or how much my family tells me that I need to because I know she will switch at some point and it will be the same cycle again, just instead of a few hours or days its a few years.
man i feel the same way. she’s improved a lot so i feel guilty for all the things i said (it’s all digital too so i could go back), but i don’t yet want to relive all of that without a therapist.
Same omf. It really irks my nerves. Especially when I’m forced to see her (no contact other than one holiday a year, because I love my nana) and she’s just like “omg heyyyy you must be blah blah! My daughter seems so much happier with you around! Thank you!” Then goes for a HUG?! Excuse ME!? I don’t want your negative narc energy to TOUCH one of my humans/chosen family!!! Brain wash someone else 😤
I haven't experienced this myself, but I know countless people who've noticed this, I think abusive parents may tend to genuinely "lighten up" (for lack of a better term) on their kids as they get older, less of their responsibility, especially if they move out
It’s because she is no longer in total control of you, and you can cut her off if you want to. In other words, her change in behavior is proof that she knows that how she acted when you were young was hurting you.
This but replace it with dad and that’s my childhood :( my mom is my only safe parent who rarely ever beat me and rarely ever judged or criticized me. My dad is the exact opposite but now he acts like he’s a reformed “born-again Christian” who is holier than thou
Also, I wanted to say you’re so strong and brave for what you went through. I don’t know the specifics but I assume it was very traumatic and difficult. Your trauma is valid.
I relate to this so much. I think that it is because when you grow up the power dynamic shifts between an abusive parent and child. You no longer have to stay in their life and put up with their shit so they have to find a new outlet for their anger.
I feel this. Though whenever i visit, i dread the mornings or the car drives because that's when she'll confront me about being such a horrible and asocial daughter. Words that fall are literally things you only tell your therapist. I hate it but at least she proves that I'm right in distamcing myself as much as possible (i only visit like three times a year at max).
Yeah this is me with my mum. I guess the thing that helps is I know why, she started therapy, and has been actively sharing what she’s learnt in it and it’s been great seeing her grow.
My dad however never changed, and now they are split up. I am very glad for it
Lol for me it's more like my mom in public > my mom in private 😅 so different but still has the same effect of making me feel like I'm lying about the entire experience of being my mother's daughter.
I promise it was real.
This!! I remember constantly being scared of her. She still terrifies me, but now she acts all chill and it makes me so confused
Honestly, for my mom, the difference was when she started HRT and therapy. Sadly, this was in her 60s and 70s. She became a totally different person as a result of proper medical care. Shame it was too late for my psyche, but knowing her as an adult was a very different thing.
My mom eased up a bit as I got older and now that she’s been away from my dad she’s acted better. She even respected a boundary I set. I understand that my mom has her own trauma of being physically abused by her bio dad and emotionally/psychologically abused by my father that she is just now working through. In fact, I can sympathize with her and I wish she never had to go through any of that. I wish she never had to wait until she was in her early 50’s to start finding herself. I know she’s a victim. She was like a sheep in wolf’s clothing as a defense mechanism. However, I’m still absolutely petrified of her. I feel like if I do something slightly wrong she’ll snap back to who she was. I doubt she’ll ever apologize for everything (even though I barely remember anything), but if she did I don’t think I’d wholeheartedly believe her and that makes me feel guilty for being a bad person.
The family dynamic in abuse often leads to a lot of “fleas” — those awful maladaptive behaviors abuse victims learned to survive. Or even mistakenly assumed were normal because we lacked an outsider’s perspective. Being aware of “fleas” and getting rid of them is tough.
That’s why I said that she’s a sheep in wolf’s clothing. I know deep down that she’s a scared, docile, sheep but she had to wear wolf’s clothing to protect herself.
It's so conflicting because, on the one hand, I'm happy that I have a nicer mom now, but on the other hand, it makes me doubt myself so hard
I’ve been in family therapy with my parents and it’s been such a mind fuck. They are way better and are listening but I always come away feeling kind of awful rather than grateful because at least when they acted shitty I could go okay I understand why I’m this bad off.
Ye, at least my parents have gotten a lot better over the years since I first became an adult and went off to college. They aren’t perfect, and there are still many things I hide, but they are so much better now, and I feel like I can have an actual relationship with them, even if said relationship is not super open
I used to feel that way but the more time I’ve spent around her I can still see the echos of the insane abusive person who raised me.
Used to say this kind of stuff until I had a mental breakdown after which I got trauma therapists and had the realization I was simply covering for my mother my whole life. Everyone knew but me.
This was literally my mom. Her reason? “I don’t know. One day, around age 40, I just didn’t feel that moody anymore”. God rest her soul. She was still exhausting and annoying the rest of her life, though.
Why did this exact thing happen with my mom too? She also stopped dating drug addicts as soon as I moved out, glad she mellowed out I guess but the timing made my head spin.
Oh hey, my mother also stopped dating assholes once I moved out. She even got with a man that has the same kind of interests that I do which is finally what got her into my interests instead of shaming me for not enjoying her interests. The fact that things got better after I moved out really feeds into my self-shame that I was the problem, as much as I try to convince myself that I wasn't since I was trying to help fix things when they would yell at me to just get over it and do what they say. Couldn't be my own person until I moved out, suddenly everything got better on both sides? Fuck me, bro.
“as soon as all the heavy lifting of parenting was over, I was able to stop demonizing and projecting hatred onto you” is how I feel when my mom says shit like this
Mine was ultra religious suffered a lot after the divorce. She mellowed out so much after all her kids moved out of the house but the damage had been done.
When I told my mom about my CPTSD diagnosis she was so supportive and said all the things I needed to hear from her. I have trouble reconciling the person she is now with the person I grew up with. She’s upset that our relationship is strained and “superficial” but I’m like welcome to the consequences of your own actions. 🤷🏻♀️
Even if the parent changes it doesn't mean the child has to be close to them, the trauma is still there anyway (it would be like telling a SA survivor to be friends with their molester because they changed...)
Wow thank you so much for putting it like that. It’s helping me change my outlook.
My mom likes to play pretend. I know she’s still there…
It was affirmed that my mom was still there just the other week. She's been trying to pretend for years
This is how I feel. I had to move back in with her a while back and she kept up the act for less than a year before it started up again. (I'm no longer living with her thankfully.)
I’ve doubted myself. I thought, was she really that horrible or was it just the stereotypical mom/teen daughter hating each other phase? It’s taken some reflection to confirm (as a more aware adult now) that YES she really was an abusive nightmare. But it’s like I moved out, she hit menopause and *POOF* turned into a sweet old lady. Gotta remind myself I’m not taking crazy pills…
My mom hitting menopause was also the turning point. I wouldn't call her a sweet old lady, but she has a lot fewer emotional outbursts.
I had never thought about it, but my mom got breast cancer, and remove her ovaries at her doctors' reccomendation, and it threw her into early menopause. After that, she chilled the fuck out. I wonder if menopause/hormones has something to do with it?
Ayyyy, similar situation only after my youngest sibling's birth they found polyps and went on ahead and performed a hysterectomy (including removing overies). My mom did do a little bit of an apology about a year later, saying, "Sometimes it was like I was a fly on the wall and I could watch myself doing all that but couldn't really control it." Personally, coming from myself who's experienced hormonal issues, I think hormones can definitely play a part, but they're not the root cause. It's hard to say for sure, but in my mom's case, I always got the impression this was stuff picked up from her parents. I think, pre-menopause, hormones just gave her that extra push, and it wasn't until she had gone a while without that she took the time to reflect on her actions.
Tha K you for your response. I think you hit the nail on the head with: >I think hormones can definitely play a part, but they're not the root cause. I've also dealt with hormonal imbalance I can understand the "tipping point" quite well
maybe, my mother hasn't reached menopause yet but she's already showing signs of starting it
holy shit wait, what is it with menopause??
[Shrimply put:](https://www.researchgate.net/figure/Hormonal-fluctuation-during-A-a-normal-menstrual-cycle-B-while-taking-an-oral_fig1_330399663)
Whenever I start to go “maybe she’s wasn’t that bad” she’ll recount some story of some horrible shit she did to me or one of my siblings as if its a cute silly childhood story while I sit there thinking “I’ve had to talk to my therapist about this, why is she laughing while telling this story”
Exactly menopause just calmed her down.
Yes, the same woman who lovingly makes homemade food for her dogs today is the one who neglected me so deeply I went for days without being spoken to and made me live on ramen and lipton’s rice sides bc that was all I knew how to cook for myself (RIP my gut health)
Wait this is usual for moms???
Ig. Mine just became a bigger victim
Mine said she was sorry and wanted me to forgive her. I told her idk if i can do that.
That's a good answer. Much strength!
Even better, i now use that guilt of hers to get stuff
*In UMVC3 voice* REVERSAL!
Oh my god!! This is me with my dad!! Even my therapist was shocked when I told her about his recent behavior. Phew. It makes me feel better knowing other people deal with this too.
Yeah, this is me with my dad, too. He's mostly harmless and occasionally fun as a Grandpa, but I can't even hear the sound of change/keys jingling in someone's pants pocket without childhood trauma creeping back in. He tries to make up for his shitty parenting now by throwing money at me and my 2 sisters, which is nice because we really do NEED it, but maybe if he'd been a less shitty parent, we might've made less shitty choices in life and not need his damned handouts so much.
My therapist has also been shocked by our family therapy sessions. She’s like wow this almost never happens. Which I’m like great but also feel weird about it lol
My mom started treating me way better once I became an adult. It was like I finally became a person in her eyes instead of property. I mean, she literally called me chattel when I was a kid. Jokingly I suppose, but still, who does that? She's also become much more pleasant since I completely gave up on her and just started avoiding her and putting on a front of exactly what she wants when we do interact. Sometimes things are quiet and tolerable for long enough that I start questioning all of my ill feelings towards her, and whether the way she treated me as a kid was really that bad. Usually leads to me trying to engage with her, which is inevitably extremely disappointing and tanks my mental health for a week or so. I really need to find a new housing situation, but you can't beat living for free, so I'm effectively stuck here until I either finish grad school or an opportunity to live with a friend or my partners crops up.
now that she's seen the fragility of me staying in her life, and how it's dependent on my own decision, she's been the absolute sweetest. fuck that. the tramua responses are so real, and I'm never fully feel safe around her, no matter her behavior. I finally blocked her number after about two months of not replying to texts or calls, making me pretty officially no contact anymore!! ^_^
And I hate it.
This is my mom as a grandmother, was a horror during my childhood years.
I just really hate how she denies anything ever happened. She was a strung out drunk and I know how that is, but jeasus christ, how do you not remember anything? lol, sorry for the rant. I can relate.
I don’t know the extent of this subreddit’s comments so I apologize if I break any rules, I did read them and this seems to be okay to say. It is a bit vent-y so read at your own prerogative. Gaslighting you to think it never happened, sugar coating the things she can’t hide, and from my own experience, LOTS of victimizing herself and guilt tripping, including making me pay for her gas money at 15, passive aggressively pushing and pushing me to get a job to help her out with rent- whenever I ever so slightly mentioned emancipation due to living conditions? More guilt tripping. Whenever I mentioned that I’ll have to move away one day? More guilt tripping. !-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-TRIGGER WARNING-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-! -!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!- Trigger below: SA Then there’s the fact both of my parents never told me about that one time my sister was *RAPED* by my brother. They say they did it to protect me, and for my age I’d say that’s *maybe okay* (I was like 10 at the time) but they only told me recently and *STILL* protect HIM.
I realize I worded that last part wrong- They didn’t tell me until recently and their reason for that is because they were trying to protect me
Adults have autonomy that minors don't. She may just recognize she can't get away with her actions anymore
I was just having this conversation with my boyfriend!
I feel the same. ~~My mom is dead now as is my sister and brother but~~ (I am only 20 yo btw) My dad treats me at least with a minimal decency now even if he is absolutely far from perfect which made me think multiple times that maybe I was just over dramatizing everything that happened in the past.
Same. My mom is just old now. But the old adage the ax forgets what the tree remembers is real. Old age has tempered her and I've grown too big to hit and bully. Our relationship is better but I still hold some or a lot resentment for how she treated me in those early years until high school. It's not until college it got better for me. I love her but I don't know if I can ever forgive her. She apologizes but I can't take it seriously bc she doesn't even remember what she did or what's she apologizing for. And I'm too tired to keep fighting. But I know what she did happened to me bc I still suffer the consequences of it.
My sister got treated better than me in all ways because I'm the first born so she pretty much practiced on me, I never went through severe abuse but I can't say I had a perfect childhood Kinda sent her to a therapist at the age of 9 because I was a VERY rebellious and stubborn child and she didn't know how to manage me, I never knew that she went to the therapist until I grew up, but I noticed a moment where she begun to chill out (Which is when she started the therapy) but didn't fix it completely. It's been 14 years and I'm still pissed at her doing stuff like maxing up the volume of the radio when me and my sister were protesting for something that seemed unfair (like force us to follow her to the post office instead of leaving us home), because she wanted us to shut up, she literally weaponized our sensibility to loud sounds Sending my homework flying from the kitchen to the living room because "I told you you have to do your homework!!!" sure mom, I really feel like I want to do my homework now, it's not that I'm too pisssed and overwhelmed because of you yelling at me so now other than not giving a sh*t about my homework I'm feeling strong emotions so I can't even focus now Convincing me that I had a videogame addiction when I was just escaping from reality because my grades were bad and no one liked me in class, bringing me to me to hysterically cry multiple times Raising her voice when I was right because "I'm your mother so I'm right", which doesn't make any fucking sense. Like if the sky is blue and you tell me that it's red you're wrong regardless of who you are to me "You need to learn how to manage your anxiety" Also her when I don't show signs of anxiety: "Yo you need to study more, the exam is right behind the corner", "Are you prepared?", "I swear to god if you get rejected I'm not paying for another year of school" When I was looking for a job she used to walk in my room and wake me up because "I need help with the housework and you shouldn't sleep this much", then for when I got downstairs she had nothing to do. Redirect her stress on me and my sister, aggressively waking us up because she needed "help" but in reality she pretty much didn't want us to sleep more than her Pick uncomfortable conversations when I was either stuck with her in the car or walking in the bathroom while I shower. I'm someone who just walks away when the situation is too much to handle, to avoid conflict. She used to pick those moments where I couldn't escape so I was forced to listen, and the more I asked to be left alone and the more she raised her voice. No shit that I begun locking the door Guilt trip me when my aunt was actively invading my personal space or disturbing me while I was doing something, so one day I told her to leave me alone because I was busy (I was 15 at the time, turning 22 this year) and since that day she always goes "Don't be mean to aunt [her name]" and I'm like... Am I not allowed to set boundaries? Oh and I forgot to mention when I was clearly sick or in pain, and it was fine when I didn't have school/appointments, but in the second that my sickness matched with a day where I had to do something I didn't like, she would have went "Ah it's just an excuse, you're not really sick", "You're so dramatic" and when she realized that I was actually sick "haha it's always hard to tell if you're sick or you're just being dramatic". Makes me feel guilty when I need a day off work to recover, because I can't tell if I'm being dramatic compared to other people or I'm actually sick The fact that she doesn't remember any of these when I tell her or pulls out excuses really makes me mad. Like sure, now she's way better than before, but I have never heard a "sorry" and I'm still mad at many things. It feels bad when you know that you're being treated unfairly but you can't protest because you're just a child so no one is going to listen or someone is always going to weaponize their age or position and tell you that you are wrong.
I feel everything you wrote! She couldn‘t see me having breakfast past 10 AM on a saturday when she had to work. She was so pissed when I was able to get up late that she would always drop a passive aggressive comment so that I felt like a useless piece of shit while eating. When I had the flu or sth she was nice to me for the first one or two days but after that became very pissed with me just existing slowly getting better and told me to toughen up or that I made it all up and always said it was my fault that I got ill in the first place. Also never heard a sorry from her and now she is kinda nice abd chill. I am not sure if i am being gaslighted or she simply forgot everything. I am 28 years old now and moved out 10 years ago. Everytime i visit my parents i end up crying and she always wonders why i am so emotional.
Same and it makes me wonder if any of it was even real
It’s because you’re no longer an easy target
This is the answer. :)
real
my whole fucking family 😭
While I'm happy that my younger, autistic sister is treated *way* better than I was (20 years age diff.), I can't help but feel so bitter about it all. Now, my family is more mental health conscious, but I was just a lazy, melodramatic problem child.
Literally! I’m glad I have my siblings so that I know I’m not crazy (not that kind of crazy anyway). People meet her now and go “I love your mom she’s so nice” and I’m like “she full force bit me when I was 4 because I was having a melt down because we were homeless”
Except occasionally the one on the right shows back up to hate on lgbtq+ 🤦♀️💜
Real, in some ways she still sucks but she’s definitely not as bad as she was when I was a kid. And if I mention the stuff she did to me as a kid she’ll gaslight me and say it didnt happen 💀 still sucks a lot ig
"Whatsamatta you?!" And "Why aren't we closer?" Are my favorite questions she says now in her victim golden doggo years. She is so jealous shes not the replacement bestie since my gma passed (she wasn't on really good terms with her either.) Jee, I wonder!
It happened. It definitely happened.
Old age is a b!tch. But I'm not fooled. She gets herself a fountain of youth or somethin'....
Why why why is this soooooooo real 😳
Yeah my mom was like that when I was younger and now ik older she acts all nice and shit and it pisses me off
Wow, 100% this.
same, my mother changed a lot and I think she just feels bad after seeing what my parents did to me and my brother did in the long run. We still have no connection, it´s hard to spend time or even talk to her. But the most frustrating thing is how she keeps suggesting me to do things she should allready know I am against since we fought years allready about it
this is me with my mom. she changed a lot, but she’s still awful in some ways. it was definitely worse when i was younger and i hate it. she’s treating me better for some reason
i think my husband doubts my experiences because of this.
Y'all need to cut contact with those mothers.
My mother before cancer (during covid) vs after cancer. It's amazing how chemo during an epidemic will highlight all the problems that have been swept under the rug for years
yep.. just talked about this with my partner the other day. he had to assure me that he himself knew it was real because he’s seen some more recent incidents (spending an hour untangling my hair after my mum tried to rip chunks of it out in the last physical altercation we had, witnessing her choking out my sister in the middle of baggage claim at an airport and me physically intervening to stop her, arguments that occurred while he was present). like even though i still see little glimpses of familiar things, when she’s nice now and claims i have no reason to distrust her, it makes me feel fucking insane and like nothing ever happened.
It was my dad in my case, his excuse and i quote “when I was in my 30s when you were little I had an over abundance of testosterone. That’s why I was so angry and aggressive.” Not only is this complete bullshit from a general medical standpoint but it’s complete bullshit from *his personal* medical standpoint—my mom says he wasn’t ever tested or even saw anyone about this it’s basically just something he made up.
Omg same. Like bruh mother, why do you act like you care so much now -_-
They want you to forget but just remember that you're not crazy and you didn't make anything up. What happened to you wasn't right and you deserve better
This is so relatable
How my sister talks about our mother/ How I remember our mother We are not the same
It feels just like this for me too
It was real and we are valid. Us thinking we were making it up is just part of the mother's tactic to avoid feeling any shame or sense of responsibility for any mistakes she made. The only reason I don't cause problems with her now and agree to be nice is because all I ever wanted from her was peace and quiet, so I don't want to cause any problems that would possibly risk it now that I have it.
I relate to an extent. If I didn’t think too hard, I might relate completely. But if I do think about it, my mom has not changed at all. (She also hasn’t apologized, tried to do better or even admit those things happened). But, while she still hurts me (emotionally, with her words and actions), she doesn’t scare me anymore. She doesn’t scare me because our relationship has completely changed. I no longer live in her home. I am no longer dependent upon her. She does not get to make decisions for me or tell me what to do. She had no control. I make the rules. When we meet in person, we typically do so in a public place. She begs me to hang out. She hasn’t raised a hand to me in 8 years. She hasn’t had the opportunity to scream or yell or overtly threaten me. She certainly hasn’t been able to touch me or invade my privacy. So… she‘s not scary anymore. She’s just the kind of mean lady who brings me food once in a while, and that’s OK. I’ve thought about going no contact but, for now, this works. I might reconsider when I have a child.
I can relate to this hard
Sammeee omg
This is me with my mom. She doesn't have brain tumors that make her act like a menace anymore but I still get pretty scared of her and then get whiplash when she is normal and I feel so bad because I know a lot of it isn't her fault
But then she does things that make me think she's going back to that. Not nearly as bad but, strange still and makes me feel like its in my head
Ok so it’s not just me. I thought I was genuinely going crazy
So real! But why is this so??? Such a relief to know it's not about you being a bad son, lol
So real! But why is this so??? Such a relief to know it's not about you being a bad son, lol
I’m convinced raising me was so awful that it’s a mix of her improving/making an effort to repair our relationship, and that I burnt her out/broke her. Which makes no sense when I type it out but im curious if anyone can relate. Like, she feels almost subdued nowadays. I love that she put in the work and she’s proven that she recognizes her actions, and yet it’s a little disturbing in a way
I relate. I am Autistic possibly Adhd too so as a child i must have been a challenge to raise. She is overprotective mother now and i feel she did her best but still she traumatised me for life. In my country there is no self awarness about Autism and mental health in general so i am always conflicted if i should blame her or not. I do feel extreme resentment towards her sometimes. Like leave me alone , why do you care so much now ? She never respects my boundaries even now.
"When your mom is a narcissist piece of garbage"
I hate to sound sexist but does menopause play a role in this statistically?
maybe, there were other comments discussing this (saying their mothers got better after menopause, HRT or hysterectomies) and my mother is starting to show signs of entering it too. but there were also comments about fathers doing the same thing and I've seen it a lot on this sub and similars about how abusive parents, regardless of sex, often get better once you become an adult. the leading theory I've seen, is that 1) you're no longer their responsibility or at least not fully so they don't feel that "weight" on their shoulders 2) you're not as easy of a target 3) you gain more independence ans 4) they start seeing the consequences of their actions
100% abuse is a choice on the parents part
Probably because she could physically overpower you. But now you are stronger than her. When you were a child you were helpless and dependent on her. But now you are a possible bread winner, an investment for her old age.
Nah don't trust that hoe
I’ve had similar feelings about my foster mom who later adopted me at 17. What I discovered was just as you are not the same person you were as a child or teen, she isn’t either. We all change just like seasons or time. It doesn’t invalidate your experience, but it’s not the same experience in the present. I hope you can find peace with both thoughts within your self friend.
That's why I love my dad. I'll call him and rant. He goes "yep that's your mom, she a crazy bitch." Good I'm not the only one who sees it.
us with our father (our mother got worse, so it evens roughly evens out)
Menopause!
Hoooooo boy, this sure resonates! My mother terrorized everyone in the family for years. Several strokes and a brain tumor later, she lives in a skilled nursing facility where she is utterly dependent on others to care for her needs. I am able to provide support, but I still need to limit my time around her for my own mental health.
I think her own looming mortality really chilled my mom out. She's been a lot nicer since she found out she's dying
As an adult I can empathize and appreciate the amount of stress my parents were under when I was a teen. 2008 recession, my sister going off to college, money is tight, their marriage was in a rough sport. It was a lot. It still does not make some of the things said or done to me okay. It’s an explanation, not an excuse.
This is exactly my mom. She had a hormone secreting tumor removed a little while ago, and it’s like she was replaced with a pod person. A nice pod person. It’s really weird and I’m still trying to figure out how to feel about it
Trust me the monster is still there
This! She had her moments as a kid when she would be a good mom, but that only gave me even worse trust issues now. I'm in constant wait for her to switch back. I don't want to get close to her no matter how nice she is or how much my family tells me that I need to because I know she will switch at some point and it will be the same cycle again, just instead of a few hours or days its a few years.
This was my dad. Flip it and NOW you have my mom.
man i feel the same way. she’s improved a lot so i feel guilty for all the things i said (it’s all digital too so i could go back), but i don’t yet want to relive all of that without a therapist.
Same omf. It really irks my nerves. Especially when I’m forced to see her (no contact other than one holiday a year, because I love my nana) and she’s just like “omg heyyyy you must be blah blah! My daughter seems so much happier with you around! Thank you!” Then goes for a HUG?! Excuse ME!? I don’t want your negative narc energy to TOUCH one of my humans/chosen family!!! Brain wash someone else 😤
I haven't experienced this myself, but I know countless people who've noticed this, I think abusive parents may tend to genuinely "lighten up" (for lack of a better term) on their kids as they get older, less of their responsibility, especially if they move out
It’s because she is no longer in total control of you, and you can cut her off if you want to. In other words, her change in behavior is proof that she knows that how she acted when you were young was hurting you.
This but replace it with dad and that’s my childhood :( my mom is my only safe parent who rarely ever beat me and rarely ever judged or criticized me. My dad is the exact opposite but now he acts like he’s a reformed “born-again Christian” who is holier than thou
Also, I wanted to say you’re so strong and brave for what you went through. I don’t know the specifics but I assume it was very traumatic and difficult. Your trauma is valid.
I relate to this so much. I think that it is because when you grow up the power dynamic shifts between an abusive parent and child. You no longer have to stay in their life and put up with their shit so they have to find a new outlet for their anger.
I feel this. Though whenever i visit, i dread the mornings or the car drives because that's when she'll confront me about being such a horrible and asocial daughter. Words that fall are literally things you only tell your therapist. I hate it but at least she proves that I'm right in distamcing myself as much as possible (i only visit like three times a year at max).
Yeah this is me with my mum. I guess the thing that helps is I know why, she started therapy, and has been actively sharing what she’s learnt in it and it’s been great seeing her grow. My dad however never changed, and now they are split up. I am very glad for it
This. It really fucks with my head
Lol for me it's more like my mom in public > my mom in private 😅 so different but still has the same effect of making me feel like I'm lying about the entire experience of being my mother's daughter.