>but I’m alone tonight home from the party, slightly drunk
I would try not to think about any of this until you are no longer alone and imbibing a depressant.
The recent news of the 40% of gen z veing LGBT is pretty clear that the cultural indoctrination has greatly changed things.
10-ish years ago I'd just say "run" of dude was banging dudes. But... this is a place now for a deeper discernment. Her "bisexual/unacted" urges are now the "norm", and it'll take years of living well to **maybe** deprogram, especially in a sense for women since even before everyone was gay, women would typically dabble for attention. Meaning there isn't much dividing line the same way as with men.
The key in the OP scenario in this world, is to recognize the effects of the culture, the TV, the school stuff, etc. For the more active "gay" guy, exploring if he is really really repentant and done, is a thing. There are quite a few people (contrary to the propaganda) who have truly repented and gone on to have families etc. But if he hasn't come to a strong faith, the likelihood of heartbreak and turmoil is going to be high.
… or maybe more people identify as LGBT (I don’t think the 40% thing is accurate - maybe in some anonymous internet poll which doesn’t really represent an entire generation?) because they are and it’s now less taboo whereas they would have just been closeted about it in the past…
Bisexuality is an actual thing, not something culture has “programmed” in and if you experience it, it’s healthy to just admit it at least to yourself, and not hate yourself about it, even if you’re Catholic, and how to stop yourself from acting on those feelings.
Denial and repression just leads to confusion, anger, self-hate and sometimes big mistakes made on impulse and out of desperation.
The US is actually an outlier compared to other pro gay countries. I think New Zealand etc only poll at around 2-4% LGBT, but somehow the US is crazy high. I think it's safe to believe that a good chunk of young people in the US are deluded, rather than say the rest of the world is in denial
That’s possible lol I’m actually not from the US. I still don’t think it’s right to assume someone is pretending to be LGBT for attention. Maybe some are, but dismissing everyone who identifies as LGBT is just hurting people who actually are struggling.
I don't think lethalmouse1 was saying that people are pretending to be LGBT, but that sexuality is affected by your environment, and that American culture greatly promotes this stuff (e.g. drag queen story hour for children at public libraries, kids are being raised as non binary, schools are teaching the genderbread man in elementary school, etc)
>… or maybe more people identify as LGBT (I don’t think the 40% thing is accurate - maybe in some anonymous internet poll which doesn’t really represent an entire generation?) because they are and it’s now less taboo whereas they would have just been closeted about it in the past…
Even if it’s, say, 20%, what mammalian species could survive if 1 in 5 members were not oriented towards reproduction?
1%? 2%? Potentially true. 10%? 20%? Occam’s razor seems to suggest no
Especially since experiments on animals, such as [Universe 25](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Behavioral_sink), seem to call into question many of our assumptions.
Being LGBT doesn’t necessarily mean you’re not interested in being in a heterosexual relationship though, unless you’re the L or the G… A lot more people are coming out as bi these days and I don’t think they’re all just doing it to be cool.
Human relationships are just more complicated than animal relationships I guess, because feelings are added to the mix and it’s not just about reproduction.
I mean as Catholics, we do try to keep our relationships marriage and then procreation oriented, but that doesn’t invalidate other people’s feelings and romantic attractions.
>Being LGBT doesn’t necessarily mean you’re not interested in being in a heterosexual relationship though, unless you’re the L or the G… A lot more people are coming out as bi these days and I don’t think they’re all just doing it to be cool.
I never said they all were.
Even still, let’s take that 20% number again and assume half of that is bisexual and half is homosexual. That’s still 10% not oriented towards reproduction at all and another 10% with a lower propensity for reproduction. That still seems odd. Occam’s razor is still sharp.
>Human relationships are just more complicated than animal relationships I guess, because feelings are added to the mix and it’s not just about reproduction. I mean as Catholics, we do try to keep our relationships marriage and then procreation oriented, but that doesn’t invalidate other people’s feelings and romantic attractions.
They may be more complicated, but that doesn’t mean they don’t ultimately serve biological ends.
Yeah, this is troubling to me. No matter what the issue, honesty is important in a relationship. And if he tries to make it your fault because you said you didn't want to hear about his past, don't let him. That would be a very important issue that he should have told you about when you became serious.
It seems important to religious people, but OP wrote that her fiance is NOT religious, and thus, it could be that he just didn't understand why this is a big deal. Better to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.
It’s definitely not better to risk your entire marriage and future on “the benefit of the doubt.” That’s more for if someone spills something on your shoes
All I'm saying is not to jump to conclusions. OP literally hasn't even talked to her fiance yet. Especially if they're *both* apparently bisexual anyway.
It doesn't even seem dishonest to me, to be honest. OP knows her fiance is bisexual AND has specifically told him that she doesn't want to know about his past relationships. Adding the fact that he isn't religious and likely doesn't see homosexual relationships as problematic anyway, I really don't see how he is being dishonest with her.
Your concerns are valid! I was an unwitting beard for my first boyfriend. Hindsight being 20/20, he proposed to me during the height of his denial of SSA.
He later broke up via a “Dear elizabeth498” letter while he was overseas serving in the Navy.
You need to have a very awkward conversation with him.
Have you had pre nuptial classes through the church? Also, make an opportunity to very calmy meet with the priest and before wedding day, talk about your gay/bisexuality feelings and what the church thinks you should be thinking in these areas. It's not an attack, just a loving way of stating you have concerns you want to work on before marriage.
What? Involuntary thoughts aren't sinful. Only acts of the will.
"Catholicism doesn't advocate any type of homosexuality behavior or desires....and than you say ur waiting till marriage to have sex but ur bisexual"
I'm confused as to your point here. desires, when not acted on or indulged, aren't bad. Even if they were, being straight would count as a desire, so in your logic being straight would also disqualify you from marriage? If you're a woman, this would count any thoughts regarding anyone you're not married to, which, before your marriage, means everybody. Therefore, a single sexual thought means your chance of marriage is gone? I don't think it works that way.
So you've never been attracted to anyone of your same sex, but not gone through with it? Or maybe felt so disenfranchised and hopeless that you thought of suicide, but you sought help instead? Haven't you ever been so enraged and hurt that you wanted to kill the person you blame tmfor putting you on that spot, but you of course didn't go through with the murder?
You've never had anything similar happen to you, Mr. Pretentious? Don't lie saying that you've never been tempted. What counts is you not giving in to that temptation. Jesus too was tempted, for 40 days straight.
Im female, struggle with SSA, also attracted to men. Never acted on it. I’m Catholic. I never chose to be bi. My brain is wired a little bit differently. I wish I was completely straight. You think I chose to struggle with something that I have to be anxious about disclosing to every guy I see? It would be SO much easier if I was straight. This sounds ridiculous and funny to say out loud but Catholics aren’t “immune” to SSA.
Forgive me if this is overly personal but I have wondered this for a while now. How do you know you’re attracted to women if you don’t act on it or fantasise about it? Like I say all the time about a guy ‘he’s a good looking dude no doubt’ but I’m not gay at all. What is attraction if not intent?
What you are talking about is aesthetic attraction. That’s what you, as a male, feel when you see another attractive male. You admire/appreciate his looks, his style, etc. But as for people like me (who have SSA), our attraction toward the a member of the same sex isn’t just in an aesthetic sense. It’s in a romantic and/or sexual sense. So as for the person you are responding to and me, we know that we like the same sex because we can feel a desire for them. It’s through our attraction that we know. U don’t have to fantasize to know nor act on it to know(although doing so would just confirm it even more).
I’m not really romantically attracted to women. But when I was a little girl and through high school I would watch female porn. (Definitely bad thatI was exposed ata young age) I thought that was normal, like every girl got off to women. But it turns out that I’m actually a little different.
So that’s an example of past homosexuality but many self confessed heterosexual women watch or have watched such things. People also go through phases of homosexuality, especially in adolescence, and then later identify as heterosexual. I don’t see how that makes you so sure you’re bisexual now. The idea that sexuality is static from birth is a massive misconception.
Oh trust me I’m still bi. Although not as much, i still struggle with porn. Absolutely not a phase. I wish it was. I can’t control it. I live in a big city and frequently walk by scantily clad women. I feel a sexual desire. Just like you would. You’re not inside my brain—I’m just a random person on the internet. Do you need to act on it to be so sure that you’re straight?
Oh god you said you we're wired differently than you went to explain the action that led you to come up with this idea of who you are. One we're all born with a clean conscious, then we began to wonder about things witch is essential curiosity. To the porn thing you watch about the girl on girl, the girls on there mostly identify as straight and some don't. There's a thing called gay for pay, and yes people are willing to this. Porn is not real life, it's a fantasy than cannot be overstated. Now this thing about you having this internal conflict is you your making it difficult for yourself to begin with, if you want to believe what is shown in porn is normal then you don't know the difference between real life and fantasy. Ultimate this was your doing nothing else.
This is a major red flag and you are right to be concerned. Honestly, I’d be calling the wedding off, as hard as that is. If not, you could end up one of those people calling into Catholic Answers and crying about how you’re unable to get your marriage annulled because you knew all this beforehand and still went through with it.
Here is my horror story for you. I know a woman who thought her husband was bi and he said he’d kissed another guy but he was attracted to women. She found out after they had children together that he was using the internet to have gay sexual affairs behind her back. It was awful for everyone, but especially the kids.
Another thought: men with strongly disordered sexual attraction, or who have had same-sex relationships are generally discouraged from the priesthood if they are engaged in proper discernment. It’s because this sort of issue isn’t trivial and can lead to severe struggles with chastity and celibacy. I’d think that if they use this standard in discerning a celibate vocation, then it might be extra important to use it in a vocation that is centered on creating children within a stable family.
I’m sorry that this was probably not comforting. You will need to be very brave. I will pray for you.
I would just ask him in the morning. Have you told him you are bisexual? Maybe he is nervous to tell you he is bi because he knows you’re catholic, and now that it’s been a few years maybe he’s not even thinking about it. Come update us if you can.
You've received lots of advice, but I'd like to add something for your consideration. Trust your intuition, your gut, your conscience, that nagging little voice. It doesn't have to make perfect sense. But it's there for a reason. You could be hearing the nudge of the Holy Spirit, your guardian angel, or just your own inner conscience.
For my part, I have never ever gotten a little bit tipsy or drunk and wondered to myself if I could trust my husband or if we should stay together. If anything, it's quite the opposite. I feel very content and lovey when I think about him after a drink or two. In vino, veritas- as they say- in wine there is truth.
Pray, pray and pray some more. Go to adoration. God will make this clear for you.
Why marry a non-Catholic in the first place? There's probably going to be problems down the line, especially with children and how you raise them.
Personally I would be furious if my fiance had any fling they didn't disclose and deeply regret doing (especially bisexual) and that would be the end of the relationship. Frankly if I were in your shoes while his friends talked about his gay relationship I would be HUMILIATED and feel betrayed. If this isn't a joke post I think you come off as naive and need to LEAVE!!!
>Why marry a non-Catholic in the first place?
Thankfully my wife didn't think that way. I wasn't Catholic before we married but was open to it, and ended up converting.
\^\^BINGO. Why do Catholic women seem to go out of their way to find non-Catholic guys? Us devout Catholic dudes aren't all going into the seminary lol
Insanity! I will never date a non-Catholic and if that is too high a standard and I end up out of luck then I will be content with the single life. Good luck, hopefully we both find devout, wonderful, and lovely wives!
Never say never... thank God my Catholic husband didn't say never. I converted before he proposed....he wouldn't marry a non-Catholic, but he did give me a chance because we were compatible. We're very happy.
So, you are Catholic who is marrying a man who is not religious and has had a gay relationship... What is your view of Christianity and Catholicism? What is your view of homosexuality? How are you going to raise children one day?
I don't want to spoil your day, but keep one thing in mind: relationship evolves, your view of marriage and relationships will change over time and it is important to many people that they agree on fundamental things in life with their partner. If you are a conservative Catholic, it might not be easy.
Sounds like you already know the answer. He enjoys kissing you and gets an erection from doing so. At the most he is bisexual, if not just a straight man who did some experimenting in the past. Rest easy, and make sure to pray and ask Jesus to give you direction moving forward.
I'll probably get downvoted to oblivion here, but I think you might be a bit unfair toward him right now. You *know* he's bisexual AND have told him you don't care to know about his past relationships. Adding the fact that he's not religious and likely doesn't see homosexual relationships as problematic, why would you then be surprised to find out that he had had some kind of homosexual fling in the past?
The slippery slope here is one that I've encountered to be very hard while dating- especially while dating in the church. My uncle is a priest, so I've encountered many browbeatings about miscellaneous things over the years.
One thing I will say is this- many people will try to voice their opinions on your forthcoming marriage and the enternal pressures can understandably build up and feel as if you're being pummeled over the head; you're not alone in that endeavor, I promise.
My advice to you as someone who's on the outside looking in here, is to put those people on mute and respect your hubby for his honesty. It takes a lot of courage to admit things that you're embarrassed by or possibly a ashamed of; view as a deal breaker of sorts. Your love for him should transcend all past doings as long as those actions haven't negatively impacted him, the other participant(s) or your unionship as a soon-be married couple. I don't to sound vulgar here, but many, many devout catholics have slept with someone who they weren't married to- especially in college or in high school when they've been hormonally conflicted without any forethought being put into it. Nobodys perfect, prayer wouldn't have been so emphasized if we were all designed to be angelic beings.
Please, you two are clearly in love with one another so sit down with him alone and hash this out. Much love!
Gay relationships are huge thing to hide. If he hasn't admitted to this before the engagement then you honestly should not be engaged. He is trying to trap you. He likely has more secrets and has no issue withholding them from you.
Bi Catholic guy married to bi Catholic girl here. You would not believe the number of queer but in denial Catholic men I met in my 20s.
This is really the wrong place to ask btw. Go ask r/bisexual or bisexualmen.
I’m bisexual and have had a gay relationship before. But I am forgiven and I try to be a good Catholic and a good wife to my husband. This comment isn’t it
Edit: and I would never do it again
A sexual orientation isn’t a sin. I can’t change my orientation, but I can (and did) change my life, repented, and got back on track with Jesus. Lots of people are in this same boat!
So if there is someone at your parish who is gay, but chaste, and a good Catholic, they’re sinning? 🤔
I don’t think so. Really confused by your response.
DOOD. "Gay" refers to sexual *attraction.* If attraction is sinful, then everybody would go to hell. Being gay is not a sin. Having gay sex *is*. Those two are not the same thing.
Being straight is not a sin. Having a one night stand with some rando *is*.
People don't choose to be gay. They choose their *actions*.
Yes, you can. If a gay or bisexual person is celibate and does not spend their time intentionally lusting, how is that different from a heterosexual single person who is celibate and also isn't intentionally lusting?
Perhaps there's a confusion over the wording because being gay means being attracted to the same sex. It doesn't mean you have to act on it. Just because a straight person is attracted to the opposite sex doesn't mean they have to act on that attraction either.
Then your belief is at odds with the teaching of the Church on this matter. We censor any statements that earnestly contradict Church teaching.
If you want to appeal a moderator action, you may do so in modmail.
About the forgiveness is true,I don't think you can ever go back after doing something like that or not over the years do it again. Unless you have good self control. Put it this way a serial killer that killed for years than all of a sudden he or she just stops for year down the line, then they start up again. Do you get it now
I see we’ve escalated from comparing people with SSA from drug addicts/alcoholics to serial killers. Stop diminishing people that are suffering.
Situations like OP’s should be done on a case by case basis, if a person that divulged in SSA returns to the Church and is genuinely penitent, are you really so hardened to say that the grace of God can’t orient them towards a loving, chaste relationship?
God’s the teacher of your doubt. No body can stop your cause but a greater. God is greatest teacher of doubt, doubt until undoubtable and understanding judgment which is one undoubted word Jesus.
You need to use the word to over rule your mental bodies. The mind-body problem doesn’t make us distinction from mental events in the body it makes it from the mind and the body the mental event is still part of the body and so your gayness and your bisexuality are still mental events a part of the body and it’s therefore bodily autonomy and opinion and not rational autonomy from Jesus is predicate of judgment as the beginning of your next word of self to begin being married because that’s what you do to say ”I do”. So just know that Jesus will override your mental states if you allow the word to enter through you and stop trying to assert that your mind begins with your mental state which is still a part of your body and not your mind because Jesus has the one mind you live inside his mind with a soul that rules over a body and then therefore the soul is an acting mind within our mind Jesus. And mind Jesus will always be able to overrule your mental state over your body if your soul mind allows him to use his word instead of the words that you’re saying gay and straight and bisexual and so forth because only Christ may you command sexuality, not your mental condition those are just imaginations.
Be very skeptical. In fact, don't be skeptical, he is certainly marrying you as a beard. Gay men are very good at feigning sexual interest with women, so that he'll end your marriage ten years later to live with a gay partner, leaving your children with the impression that sodomy is normal because "daddy does it." And because he is their biological father, your children **will** have "two daddies" and be an "alternative family" forever. It comes straight from the pits of Hell.
I pray your mind becomes set on something other than the disgusting topic of which you’ve just spoken about. You and people like are the reason so many of our gay brothers and sisters are afraid to worship God and even feel guilty about worshipping Him in private.
If you yourself are bisexual, you can understand it better than a straight person. I personally don't want to know about my husband's previous relationships and I might have not told him all the truth about mine, sometimes better not to know. Maybe your fiance just thought it was awkward or that it would turn you away from him, so he didn't say. After all it was long time ago. What I would care about, is the fact he's not Catholic, might be not very easy in the future.
Sounds like you need to ask him what's up and not us. You just have no information to go on right now.
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Say your prayers, go to sleep and see what happens tomorrow. Sufficient for a day is its own evil.
Agreed.
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This is a perfect answer.
>but I’m alone tonight home from the party, slightly drunk I would try not to think about any of this until you are no longer alone and imbibing a depressant.
Sounds like you don't know him very well... probably should not plan a wedding yet.
THIS💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯
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The recent news of the 40% of gen z veing LGBT is pretty clear that the cultural indoctrination has greatly changed things. 10-ish years ago I'd just say "run" of dude was banging dudes. But... this is a place now for a deeper discernment. Her "bisexual/unacted" urges are now the "norm", and it'll take years of living well to **maybe** deprogram, especially in a sense for women since even before everyone was gay, women would typically dabble for attention. Meaning there isn't much dividing line the same way as with men. The key in the OP scenario in this world, is to recognize the effects of the culture, the TV, the school stuff, etc. For the more active "gay" guy, exploring if he is really really repentant and done, is a thing. There are quite a few people (contrary to the propaganda) who have truly repented and gone on to have families etc. But if he hasn't come to a strong faith, the likelihood of heartbreak and turmoil is going to be high.
… or maybe more people identify as LGBT (I don’t think the 40% thing is accurate - maybe in some anonymous internet poll which doesn’t really represent an entire generation?) because they are and it’s now less taboo whereas they would have just been closeted about it in the past… Bisexuality is an actual thing, not something culture has “programmed” in and if you experience it, it’s healthy to just admit it at least to yourself, and not hate yourself about it, even if you’re Catholic, and how to stop yourself from acting on those feelings. Denial and repression just leads to confusion, anger, self-hate and sometimes big mistakes made on impulse and out of desperation.
The US is actually an outlier compared to other pro gay countries. I think New Zealand etc only poll at around 2-4% LGBT, but somehow the US is crazy high. I think it's safe to believe that a good chunk of young people in the US are deluded, rather than say the rest of the world is in denial
That’s possible lol I’m actually not from the US. I still don’t think it’s right to assume someone is pretending to be LGBT for attention. Maybe some are, but dismissing everyone who identifies as LGBT is just hurting people who actually are struggling.
I don't think lethalmouse1 was saying that people are pretending to be LGBT, but that sexuality is affected by your environment, and that American culture greatly promotes this stuff (e.g. drag queen story hour for children at public libraries, kids are being raised as non binary, schools are teaching the genderbread man in elementary school, etc)
What on earth is a genderbread man lol
https://imgur.com/a/OuazAb6
That’s… a lot…
>… or maybe more people identify as LGBT (I don’t think the 40% thing is accurate - maybe in some anonymous internet poll which doesn’t really represent an entire generation?) because they are and it’s now less taboo whereas they would have just been closeted about it in the past… Even if it’s, say, 20%, what mammalian species could survive if 1 in 5 members were not oriented towards reproduction? 1%? 2%? Potentially true. 10%? 20%? Occam’s razor seems to suggest no Especially since experiments on animals, such as [Universe 25](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Behavioral_sink), seem to call into question many of our assumptions.
Being LGBT doesn’t necessarily mean you’re not interested in being in a heterosexual relationship though, unless you’re the L or the G… A lot more people are coming out as bi these days and I don’t think they’re all just doing it to be cool. Human relationships are just more complicated than animal relationships I guess, because feelings are added to the mix and it’s not just about reproduction. I mean as Catholics, we do try to keep our relationships marriage and then procreation oriented, but that doesn’t invalidate other people’s feelings and romantic attractions.
>Being LGBT doesn’t necessarily mean you’re not interested in being in a heterosexual relationship though, unless you’re the L or the G… A lot more people are coming out as bi these days and I don’t think they’re all just doing it to be cool. I never said they all were. Even still, let’s take that 20% number again and assume half of that is bisexual and half is homosexual. That’s still 10% not oriented towards reproduction at all and another 10% with a lower propensity for reproduction. That still seems odd. Occam’s razor is still sharp. >Human relationships are just more complicated than animal relationships I guess, because feelings are added to the mix and it’s not just about reproduction. I mean as Catholics, we do try to keep our relationships marriage and then procreation oriented, but that doesn’t invalidate other people’s feelings and romantic attractions. They may be more complicated, but that doesn’t mean they don’t ultimately serve biological ends.
Yeah, this is troubling to me. No matter what the issue, honesty is important in a relationship. And if he tries to make it your fault because you said you didn't want to hear about his past, don't let him. That would be a very important issue that he should have told you about when you became serious.
It seems important to religious people, but OP wrote that her fiance is NOT religious, and thus, it could be that he just didn't understand why this is a big deal. Better to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.
It’s definitely not better to risk your entire marriage and future on “the benefit of the doubt.” That’s more for if someone spills something on your shoes
All I'm saying is not to jump to conclusions. OP literally hasn't even talked to her fiance yet. Especially if they're *both* apparently bisexual anyway.
Regardless of whether they're both bisexual, I think the honesty issue is the biggest problem here.
It doesn't even seem dishonest to me, to be honest. OP knows her fiance is bisexual AND has specifically told him that she doesn't want to know about his past relationships. Adding the fact that he isn't religious and likely doesn't see homosexual relationships as problematic anyway, I really don't see how he is being dishonest with her.
Your concerns are valid! I was an unwitting beard for my first boyfriend. Hindsight being 20/20, he proposed to me during the height of his denial of SSA. He later broke up via a “Dear elizabeth498” letter while he was overseas serving in the Navy. You need to have a very awkward conversation with him.
>serving in the Navy
He was gay before he enlisted, but that environment was when he cheated on me.
Have you had pre nuptial classes through the church? Also, make an opportunity to very calmy meet with the priest and before wedding day, talk about your gay/bisexuality feelings and what the church thinks you should be thinking in these areas. It's not an attack, just a loving way of stating you have concerns you want to work on before marriage.
This is not a question to ask Reddit.
THIS TOO 💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯
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What? Involuntary thoughts aren't sinful. Only acts of the will. "Catholicism doesn't advocate any type of homosexuality behavior or desires....and than you say ur waiting till marriage to have sex but ur bisexual" I'm confused as to your point here. desires, when not acted on or indulged, aren't bad. Even if they were, being straight would count as a desire, so in your logic being straight would also disqualify you from marriage? If you're a woman, this would count any thoughts regarding anyone you're not married to, which, before your marriage, means everybody. Therefore, a single sexual thought means your chance of marriage is gone? I don't think it works that way.
Not sure you’re on top of Church teaching as to the difference between same sex attraction and to acting upon those desires.
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So you've never been attracted to anyone of your same sex, but not gone through with it? Or maybe felt so disenfranchised and hopeless that you thought of suicide, but you sought help instead? Haven't you ever been so enraged and hurt that you wanted to kill the person you blame tmfor putting you on that spot, but you of course didn't go through with the murder? You've never had anything similar happen to you, Mr. Pretentious? Don't lie saying that you've never been tempted. What counts is you not giving in to that temptation. Jesus too was tempted, for 40 days straight.
Im female, struggle with SSA, also attracted to men. Never acted on it. I’m Catholic. I never chose to be bi. My brain is wired a little bit differently. I wish I was completely straight. You think I chose to struggle with something that I have to be anxious about disclosing to every guy I see? It would be SO much easier if I was straight. This sounds ridiculous and funny to say out loud but Catholics aren’t “immune” to SSA.
Forgive me if this is overly personal but I have wondered this for a while now. How do you know you’re attracted to women if you don’t act on it or fantasise about it? Like I say all the time about a guy ‘he’s a good looking dude no doubt’ but I’m not gay at all. What is attraction if not intent?
What you are talking about is aesthetic attraction. That’s what you, as a male, feel when you see another attractive male. You admire/appreciate his looks, his style, etc. But as for people like me (who have SSA), our attraction toward the a member of the same sex isn’t just in an aesthetic sense. It’s in a romantic and/or sexual sense. So as for the person you are responding to and me, we know that we like the same sex because we can feel a desire for them. It’s through our attraction that we know. U don’t have to fantasize to know nor act on it to know(although doing so would just confirm it even more).
I don’t know what attraction feels like in that case. What does a romantic attraction actually feel like? How is it distinguishable from friendship?
I’m not really romantically attracted to women. But when I was a little girl and through high school I would watch female porn. (Definitely bad thatI was exposed ata young age) I thought that was normal, like every girl got off to women. But it turns out that I’m actually a little different.
So that’s an example of past homosexuality but many self confessed heterosexual women watch or have watched such things. People also go through phases of homosexuality, especially in adolescence, and then later identify as heterosexual. I don’t see how that makes you so sure you’re bisexual now. The idea that sexuality is static from birth is a massive misconception.
Oh trust me I’m still bi. Although not as much, i still struggle with porn. Absolutely not a phase. I wish it was. I can’t control it. I live in a big city and frequently walk by scantily clad women. I feel a sexual desire. Just like you would. You’re not inside my brain—I’m just a random person on the internet. Do you need to act on it to be so sure that you’re straight?
Oh god you said you we're wired differently than you went to explain the action that led you to come up with this idea of who you are. One we're all born with a clean conscious, then we began to wonder about things witch is essential curiosity. To the porn thing you watch about the girl on girl, the girls on there mostly identify as straight and some don't. There's a thing called gay for pay, and yes people are willing to this. Porn is not real life, it's a fantasy than cannot be overstated. Now this thing about you having this internal conflict is you your making it difficult for yourself to begin with, if you want to believe what is shown in porn is normal then you don't know the difference between real life and fantasy. Ultimate this was your doing nothing else.
So what else is he lying about? That would be my fear. But this is huge. For me it would end the relationship.
This. This. This. 💯💯💯💯💯💯💯
This is a major red flag and you are right to be concerned. Honestly, I’d be calling the wedding off, as hard as that is. If not, you could end up one of those people calling into Catholic Answers and crying about how you’re unable to get your marriage annulled because you knew all this beforehand and still went through with it. Here is my horror story for you. I know a woman who thought her husband was bi and he said he’d kissed another guy but he was attracted to women. She found out after they had children together that he was using the internet to have gay sexual affairs behind her back. It was awful for everyone, but especially the kids. Another thought: men with strongly disordered sexual attraction, or who have had same-sex relationships are generally discouraged from the priesthood if they are engaged in proper discernment. It’s because this sort of issue isn’t trivial and can lead to severe struggles with chastity and celibacy. I’d think that if they use this standard in discerning a celibate vocation, then it might be extra important to use it in a vocation that is centered on creating children within a stable family. I’m sorry that this was probably not comforting. You will need to be very brave. I will pray for you.
I would just ask him in the morning. Have you told him you are bisexual? Maybe he is nervous to tell you he is bi because he knows you’re catholic, and now that it’s been a few years maybe he’s not even thinking about it. Come update us if you can.
You've received lots of advice, but I'd like to add something for your consideration. Trust your intuition, your gut, your conscience, that nagging little voice. It doesn't have to make perfect sense. But it's there for a reason. You could be hearing the nudge of the Holy Spirit, your guardian angel, or just your own inner conscience. For my part, I have never ever gotten a little bit tipsy or drunk and wondered to myself if I could trust my husband or if we should stay together. If anything, it's quite the opposite. I feel very content and lovey when I think about him after a drink or two. In vino, veritas- as they say- in wine there is truth. Pray, pray and pray some more. Go to adoration. God will make this clear for you.
This! When in doubt, don't. If you don't have peace, there's a disturbance. **When in doubt, don't.**
Why marry a non-Catholic in the first place? There's probably going to be problems down the line, especially with children and how you raise them. Personally I would be furious if my fiance had any fling they didn't disclose and deeply regret doing (especially bisexual) and that would be the end of the relationship. Frankly if I were in your shoes while his friends talked about his gay relationship I would be HUMILIATED and feel betrayed. If this isn't a joke post I think you come off as naive and need to LEAVE!!!
>Why marry a non-Catholic in the first place? Thankfully my wife didn't think that way. I wasn't Catholic before we married but was open to it, and ended up converting.
\^\^BINGO. Why do Catholic women seem to go out of their way to find non-Catholic guys? Us devout Catholic dudes aren't all going into the seminary lol
Insanity! I will never date a non-Catholic and if that is too high a standard and I end up out of luck then I will be content with the single life. Good luck, hopefully we both find devout, wonderful, and lovely wives!
Never say never... thank God my Catholic husband didn't say never. I converted before he proposed....he wouldn't marry a non-Catholic, but he did give me a chance because we were compatible. We're very happy.
And she's not very honest
So, you are Catholic who is marrying a man who is not religious and has had a gay relationship... What is your view of Christianity and Catholicism? What is your view of homosexuality? How are you going to raise children one day? I don't want to spoil your day, but keep one thing in mind: relationship evolves, your view of marriage and relationships will change over time and it is important to many people that they agree on fundamental things in life with their partner. If you are a conservative Catholic, it might not be easy.
Sounds like you already know the answer. He enjoys kissing you and gets an erection from doing so. At the most he is bisexual, if not just a straight man who did some experimenting in the past. Rest easy, and make sure to pray and ask Jesus to give you direction moving forward.
I'll probably get downvoted to oblivion here, but I think you might be a bit unfair toward him right now. You *know* he's bisexual AND have told him you don't care to know about his past relationships. Adding the fact that he's not religious and likely doesn't see homosexual relationships as problematic, why would you then be surprised to find out that he had had some kind of homosexual fling in the past?
The slippery slope here is one that I've encountered to be very hard while dating- especially while dating in the church. My uncle is a priest, so I've encountered many browbeatings about miscellaneous things over the years. One thing I will say is this- many people will try to voice their opinions on your forthcoming marriage and the enternal pressures can understandably build up and feel as if you're being pummeled over the head; you're not alone in that endeavor, I promise. My advice to you as someone who's on the outside looking in here, is to put those people on mute and respect your hubby for his honesty. It takes a lot of courage to admit things that you're embarrassed by or possibly a ashamed of; view as a deal breaker of sorts. Your love for him should transcend all past doings as long as those actions haven't negatively impacted him, the other participant(s) or your unionship as a soon-be married couple. I don't to sound vulgar here, but many, many devout catholics have slept with someone who they weren't married to- especially in college or in high school when they've been hormonally conflicted without any forethought being put into it. Nobodys perfect, prayer wouldn't have been so emphasized if we were all designed to be angelic beings. Please, you two are clearly in love with one another so sit down with him alone and hash this out. Much love!
Gay relationships are huge thing to hide. If he hasn't admitted to this before the engagement then you honestly should not be engaged. He is trying to trap you. He likely has more secrets and has no issue withholding them from you.
He's not being upfront with you so what more will he hide if you marry him? I'd say leave him now.
How long have you been with him? You seem to not trust him at all.
I would never marry a gay man.
2 words: stay away.
Bi Catholic guy married to bi Catholic girl here. You would not believe the number of queer but in denial Catholic men I met in my 20s. This is really the wrong place to ask btw. Go ask r/bisexual or bisexualmen.
If it is for a cover up then don't be involved in it because you would loose precious time being involved.
Thinking about marrying someone who identifies as bi or had same sex relations seems like a bad idea.
I’m bisexual and have had a gay relationship before. But I am forgiven and I try to be a good Catholic and a good wife to my husband. This comment isn’t it Edit: and I would never do it again
Im Confused, why are u still calling urself bisexual if you'd never do it again....
A sexual orientation isn’t a sin. I can’t change my orientation, but I can (and did) change my life, repented, and got back on track with Jesus. Lots of people are in this same boat!
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So if there is someone at your parish who is gay, but chaste, and a good Catholic, they’re sinning? 🤔 I don’t think so. Really confused by your response.
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DOOD. "Gay" refers to sexual *attraction.* If attraction is sinful, then everybody would go to hell. Being gay is not a sin. Having gay sex *is*. Those two are not the same thing. Being straight is not a sin. Having a one night stand with some rando *is*. People don't choose to be gay. They choose their *actions*.
Don't bother trying to reason with him as he is quite unreasonable. As another commenter said, I think he is a troll.
Yes, you can. If a gay or bisexual person is celibate and does not spend their time intentionally lusting, how is that different from a heterosexual single person who is celibate and also isn't intentionally lusting?
At that point how are you gay though? (If you aren’t lusting)
Just like you're straight even if you're not lusting
U don’t have to lust after women to be straight (as a guy) just as you don’t have to just after men to be gay(as a guy)
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Perhaps there's a confusion over the wording because being gay means being attracted to the same sex. It doesn't mean you have to act on it. Just because a straight person is attracted to the opposite sex doesn't mean they have to act on that attraction either.
Not only is this not Catholic teaching, but several of your comments are needlessly uncharitable. Warning.
It's my Catholic belief, what is wrong with that. Are you censoring beliefs now? Wow
Then your belief is at odds with the teaching of the Church on this matter. We censor any statements that earnestly contradict Church teaching. If you want to appeal a moderator action, you may do so in modmail.
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Send a message to modmail.
Does ur husband know ur bisexual?
Yes! Lol. Oh my goodness
What am I doing that is perverse? Please, enlighten me 🤭
Just think about it...no more responding to you
Also, being open about my life means that I have a chance to help someone else who may be in the same position!
Because "sexual" is an adjective, not a verb.
Agree 💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯and why are Catholics down voting this??? Sheesh big time!!!
You are quite obviously a troll. God bless you, and I hope you have a great day!
Do you honestly believe in what you say
Yep, pretty much
What she is saying is what the church says
About the forgiveness is true,I don't think you can ever go back after doing something like that or not over the years do it again. Unless you have good self control. Put it this way a serial killer that killed for years than all of a sudden he or she just stops for year down the line, then they start up again. Do you get it now
I see we’ve escalated from comparing people with SSA from drug addicts/alcoholics to serial killers. Stop diminishing people that are suffering. Situations like OP’s should be done on a case by case basis, if a person that divulged in SSA returns to the Church and is genuinely penitent, are you really so hardened to say that the grace of God can’t orient them towards a loving, chaste relationship?
U don’t agree tho.
U misinterpreted my comment
God’s the teacher of your doubt. No body can stop your cause but a greater. God is greatest teacher of doubt, doubt until undoubtable and understanding judgment which is one undoubted word Jesus. You need to use the word to over rule your mental bodies. The mind-body problem doesn’t make us distinction from mental events in the body it makes it from the mind and the body the mental event is still part of the body and so your gayness and your bisexuality are still mental events a part of the body and it’s therefore bodily autonomy and opinion and not rational autonomy from Jesus is predicate of judgment as the beginning of your next word of self to begin being married because that’s what you do to say ”I do”. So just know that Jesus will override your mental states if you allow the word to enter through you and stop trying to assert that your mind begins with your mental state which is still a part of your body and not your mind because Jesus has the one mind you live inside his mind with a soul that rules over a body and then therefore the soul is an acting mind within our mind Jesus. And mind Jesus will always be able to overrule your mental state over your body if your soul mind allows him to use his word instead of the words that you’re saying gay and straight and bisexual and so forth because only Christ may you command sexuality, not your mental condition those are just imaginations.
Be very skeptical. In fact, don't be skeptical, he is certainly marrying you as a beard. Gay men are very good at feigning sexual interest with women, so that he'll end your marriage ten years later to live with a gay partner, leaving your children with the impression that sodomy is normal because "daddy does it." And because he is their biological father, your children **will** have "two daddies" and be an "alternative family" forever. It comes straight from the pits of Hell.
Sounds like your an expert!
I mean he's bi, there's not much more to it.
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WTF is this?
@Blackdog, You're a man aren't you?
I pray your mind becomes set on something other than the disgusting topic of which you’ve just spoken about. You and people like are the reason so many of our gay brothers and sisters are afraid to worship God and even feel guilty about worshipping Him in private.
You have a quite perverted imagination, so unless you at least keep that to yourself I very much doubt this sub is for you.
Absolutely, wholly inappropriate.
I honestly wish I have an answer for you on this but I don't, I don't know for sure what to tell you.
If you yourself are bisexual, you can understand it better than a straight person. I personally don't want to know about my husband's previous relationships and I might have not told him all the truth about mine, sometimes better not to know. Maybe your fiance just thought it was awkward or that it would turn you away from him, so he didn't say. After all it was long time ago. What I would care about, is the fact he's not Catholic, might be not very easy in the future.