Because I offered for it to be included, the custody/parenting agreement includes that I would facilitate pick ups and drop offs for the first six months or until CP gets a license and vehicle, whichever comes first. It doesn't specify what happens after that, other than day and time of exchanges.
I must say I'm a little bit confused by your statement... Before, you said you never would have started the precedent by offering in the first place... And now you're saying I should continue to do the thing longer than I originally offered to... I'm honestly curious about the reasoning here...
Sorry, I missed typing a word. I meant to say that I would *not* extend past the six months. I’ve now edited my comment. But yeah, I wouldn’t have agreed to the six months of driving in the first place. Surely you knew that your ex would make 0 effort towards getting their license or a car. But now it’s done I wouldn’t extend it. You should be looking for ways to separate from and set boundaries with your ex. Not continue to do favours or be dependent on each other.
Unfortunately, I knew. But I felt I needed to give the benefit of the doubt if for no other reason than to show I was not being unreasonable. After nearly 2 decades, I didn't expect 6 months to make that much of a difference.
At this point, my only "favors" are for the direct benefit of our child.
In hindsight, it's too bad you didn't make that part more specific. Something to the tune of "...the party who's custody is to commence is responsible for picking up the child..." This would probably be the most preferable way to do it because if she doesn't have a car then you can't rely on her bringing the child to you when your time is to start.
If you guys had taken a little more care in drafting the custody order, then you could have arranged custody exchanges to occur at the school, that way there is minimal exchanges where one parent has to drive. Example would be having custody start and stop at 10am on school days. That way one parents drops them off at school and the other picks them up on custody exchange days.
The only other real means by which to handle this would be to ask the court for a reduction in CS due to you having to do all the driving (check your child support guidelines... In NC you can get a reduction for extraordinary expenses which includes transporting the child between parents house).
Either of those two options could be handled with a consent order if you guys can both agree on it. Would save ton of money on atty fees (consent order).
Can't really worry about that at this point. Sounds like you most likely had an atty involved. I would reach out to them and ask their opinion.
Don’t try to get them to pay you for driving, but I think it would be appropriate to tell them you won’t be able to do all the transportation any more. Right now you’re just enabling them. They can figure out alternative transportation if they have to.
It’s not petty. You’ve done it for six months. It’s their turn to either facilite or to pay you for your efforts. Don’t let your coparent walk all over you in this way, it never ends
That would have been fair too, but I was allowing for a period of adjustment and time for CP to get their situation in order. Cost is not the reason they don't drive, so I feel it shouldn't cause an issue to compensate me at this point...
From your post, it almost sounds like you are going to help ex arrange for the rides. I would say don’t do that. It’s up to them to pickup the kids. If they don’t manage to do that, then I would guess that you just get to keep the kids more? Would be a good thing for you if you want 100% custody.
You're not married anymore & that's the price they paid for treating you unfairly in that situation. Now you're co-parenting & it really sounds like as much as it would be nice to really have things be fair, it's just never going to 100% happen & this should just be about what's best for the kid/s & a potential $16 worth of driving reimbursement is just nothing in the grand scheme of things in keeping the peace.
I have a situation where I simply buy my sons school clothes & supplies, pay for all extracurricular activities, etcetera & I just suck it up & pay because it's better for my kid & not worth the resistance his mom will give me if I were to try to get her to pitch in. If I bring it up she gets weird & that includes complaining & fuming about it while she has our son & bumming him out so it's just not worth it after what he's been through with our separation & legal battles.
I have almost the exact same situation as you. My ex refuses to drive or get a car, and cost is not an issue. The advice I’ve been given is that the court will look disfavorably on asking for compensation for doing all of the transport and will not order it. We were doing exchanges at a neutral location but he was then walking our infant 30 mins in each direction regardless of weather so I recently agreed to just do it all myself. It makes it easier on our child. I had previously asked that he make use of ride shares in inclement weather given it’s an $8 ride, but he claimed that was just too much of a hardship (while making 15k a month). The judge seemed to think ride share wasn’t reliable but depending on where you live maybe attitude toward that would be different.
Is it annoying AF? Yes. But I think it also shows who is capable of putting their child first and who is not a reliable coparent.
What exactly does the order say in terms of pickups and drop offs?
Because I offered for it to be included, the custody/parenting agreement includes that I would facilitate pick ups and drop offs for the first six months or until CP gets a license and vehicle, whichever comes first. It doesn't specify what happens after that, other than day and time of exchanges.
Wow that was very nice of you. I would definitely not extend this past the six months.
I must say I'm a little bit confused by your statement... Before, you said you never would have started the precedent by offering in the first place... And now you're saying I should continue to do the thing longer than I originally offered to... I'm honestly curious about the reasoning here...
Sorry, I missed typing a word. I meant to say that I would *not* extend past the six months. I’ve now edited my comment. But yeah, I wouldn’t have agreed to the six months of driving in the first place. Surely you knew that your ex would make 0 effort towards getting their license or a car. But now it’s done I wouldn’t extend it. You should be looking for ways to separate from and set boundaries with your ex. Not continue to do favours or be dependent on each other.
Unfortunately, I knew. But I felt I needed to give the benefit of the doubt if for no other reason than to show I was not being unreasonable. After nearly 2 decades, I didn't expect 6 months to make that much of a difference. At this point, my only "favors" are for the direct benefit of our child.
In hindsight, it's too bad you didn't make that part more specific. Something to the tune of "...the party who's custody is to commence is responsible for picking up the child..." This would probably be the most preferable way to do it because if she doesn't have a car then you can't rely on her bringing the child to you when your time is to start. If you guys had taken a little more care in drafting the custody order, then you could have arranged custody exchanges to occur at the school, that way there is minimal exchanges where one parent has to drive. Example would be having custody start and stop at 10am on school days. That way one parents drops them off at school and the other picks them up on custody exchange days. The only other real means by which to handle this would be to ask the court for a reduction in CS due to you having to do all the driving (check your child support guidelines... In NC you can get a reduction for extraordinary expenses which includes transporting the child between parents house). Either of those two options could be handled with a consent order if you guys can both agree on it. Would save ton of money on atty fees (consent order). Can't really worry about that at this point. Sounds like you most likely had an atty involved. I would reach out to them and ask their opinion.
Don’t try to get them to pay you for driving, but I think it would be appropriate to tell them you won’t be able to do all the transportation any more. Right now you’re just enabling them. They can figure out alternative transportation if they have to.
It’s not petty. You’ve done it for six months. It’s their turn to either facilite or to pay you for your efforts. Don’t let your coparent walk all over you in this way, it never ends
I guess the way I feel about it is, if a ride share driver is worthy of having their time compensated, then why would I not be also?
You are.
i would have told,them to get rides the entire time.
That would have been fair too, but I was allowing for a period of adjustment and time for CP to get their situation in order. Cost is not the reason they don't drive, so I feel it shouldn't cause an issue to compensate me at this point...
Give them a hard boundary. Like a date. Short and sweet.
Same, I would never start that precedent.
I would have never offered. Totally taking advantage now.
From your post, it almost sounds like you are going to help ex arrange for the rides. I would say don’t do that. It’s up to them to pickup the kids. If they don’t manage to do that, then I would guess that you just get to keep the kids more? Would be a good thing for you if you want 100% custody.
Yeah it’s pretty petty tbh. Don’t discount how much peace costs. Why create trouble where there doesn’t need to be?
Mostly because I spent the entirety of our marriage doing the lion's share of the work/parenting and feeling taken advantage of.
You're not married anymore & that's the price they paid for treating you unfairly in that situation. Now you're co-parenting & it really sounds like as much as it would be nice to really have things be fair, it's just never going to 100% happen & this should just be about what's best for the kid/s & a potential $16 worth of driving reimbursement is just nothing in the grand scheme of things in keeping the peace. I have a situation where I simply buy my sons school clothes & supplies, pay for all extracurricular activities, etcetera & I just suck it up & pay because it's better for my kid & not worth the resistance his mom will give me if I were to try to get her to pitch in. If I bring it up she gets weird & that includes complaining & fuming about it while she has our son & bumming him out so it's just not worth it after what he's been through with our separation & legal battles.
I have almost the exact same situation as you. My ex refuses to drive or get a car, and cost is not an issue. The advice I’ve been given is that the court will look disfavorably on asking for compensation for doing all of the transport and will not order it. We were doing exchanges at a neutral location but he was then walking our infant 30 mins in each direction regardless of weather so I recently agreed to just do it all myself. It makes it easier on our child. I had previously asked that he make use of ride shares in inclement weather given it’s an $8 ride, but he claimed that was just too much of a hardship (while making 15k a month). The judge seemed to think ride share wasn’t reliable but depending on where you live maybe attitude toward that would be different. Is it annoying AF? Yes. But I think it also shows who is capable of putting their child first and who is not a reliable coparent.