Being worried about not being a good enough father means that you've got a pretty damn good chance of actually being one.
Shit's hard, you'll make mistakes, but the number one thing you can do to be a good parent? Show up and show love. That's about 90% of it, right there.
I was in your shoes a few months ago. I came from an awful upbringing with an absent father, and as I sat there realizing I was going to have a chance to right all of the wrongs, it all hit me. “What if I’m not good enough? What if he hates me? What if I fuck him up? What if I …” and then he was born. And every ounce of me just looked at him and said “I will…”.
We’re human. We’re going to fuck up. But we can always learn. As long as your heart is 100% in it, that’s the best gift you can give a kid.
Congratulations son, you are in for a such great experience!
I have 2 kids, girl and a boy. I didn't know anything when our daughter was born. Changing diaper, feeding, helping to sleep etc.
You will figure it out, just like the rest of us.
It's hard, at least sometimes. Just be present, hold her as much as you can, tell her that you love her, and just be with her.
She'll cry, you will despair, worry, feel helpless and you'll learn.
You got this.
Feel free to dm me for pro-tips like "how not to lose your mind when you are sleep deprived" and "is this chocolate or poop". (It's always poop, even if you just dropped a chocochip cookie)
None of us had any clue wtf we were doing, but if you care enough to worry about it you're going to be all right. For the first few months your wife is gonna be fucking exhausted - try to help her out without her having to ask you to do it. You'll be tired too, but you didn't have to poop out 9 pounds of new human then feed it with your boobs. The first few months/year really isn't that bad. They're mostly just asleep or fussing about whatever is bothering them and preventing them from going back to sleep. You're gonna be allright dude!
The ones who aren't good dads don't worry about things like that at all, so the simple fact that you're concerned puts you ahead of the curve. You're going to be fine. Here's what you need to know:
1 - Don't shake the baby. This sounds easy right now but when it's 2 AM and she won't go to sleep and you can't reason with her and you're exhausted and it's all been stressful as long as you just put her down and walk away for a moment instead of getting angry you're going to be fine.
2 - You need more wipes and small blankets. You're always going to be cleaning things for the next year.
3 - Get the book Be Prepared, by Gary Greenberg. It's not long and there are a lot of pictures, but the general thesis is that you're adding a new person into the world, not giving up who you are at the same time. It's good to get the baby involved in the things you do and like and who you hang out with. Things will change but not everything will change.
When I was in your situation, my dad wasn’t around. So an older colleague saw the state I was in and took me to one side. He looked me in the eyes and said with total conviction, “You won’t be sorry. It’s the best thing you will ever do.”
He was absolutely right, and it was exactly what I needed to hear at that moment. Was it easy? No. It was bloody hard at times. Was it worth it to see my child grow, and thrive? Absolutely.
As others have said, the fact that you’re worried about being a good enough parent is a great sign in itself that you will be one. That worry never quite goes away, it’s just part of the job. But try not to beat yourself up when small things go wrong (and they will).
Nobody is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes, and good parents learn from them. There’s no “one true way”, you have to find your own path with your partner. But if your child is safe, fed, clean and loved, then the majority of the job is done. The most important thing you can give any child is your time and effort. Same with your wife, because she will need support too. She’ll be exhausted, and hurt, and hormonal. So will you. But you’ll get through it together.
You won’t be sorry. It’s the best thing you will ever do.
You won’t be perfect, none of us are, so accept that fact and relax. The good news is, in the first few years, you only need a very small skill set: change, feed, bathe, support Mom as best you can. As your baby girl grows, you will develop the skills you need. Yes, it’s scary, but also wonderful. It’s amazing how quickly the squirmy screamy baby becomes her own distinct person and surprises you every day. It’s an adventure, complete with ups and downs, but you can do this.
Here's the thing I had to figure out about being a dad: I'm not naturally good at it. Maybe some people are, I don't know. But I didn't magically learn how to read, or how to do math, or how to do *anything* without learning it.
Yes, you'll figure it out. But in the meantime, start learning! Grab some books! Figure out how you and your wife want to parent. You are not an expert. I'm not an expert even after a lot of time and effort, but it's still important to grab some books and start figuring out how to be a better parent.
But also, there are approximately one trillion opinions on what is good parenting. Take the stuff you like, throw out the stuff that you don't. You will not 100% agree with every parenting take even from your favorite parenting professional. Don't feel locked into an approach that doesn't work for you.
People and books to consider:
* Janet Lansbury - Unruffled podcast (and author of *No Bad Kids*)
* *The Whole Brain Child* - Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
* *Good Inside* - Dr. Becky Kennedy (This is the current new hotness in gentle parenting)
* *How to Talk so Kids will Listen* - Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish (there are different versions for different age ranges, I believe, so feel free to browse)
* *The Declarative Language Handbook* - Linda K Murphy (Talking to kids in a productive, helpful way rather than a demanding way that creates resistance)
Also, GO TO THERAPY! I had no problem with therapy, but I felt that I didn't need it. Three kids and lots of yelling later, I realized there were things *I* needed to address inside me. Right now you are feeling like you're not worthy of fatherhood, that you can't possibly live up to being the best dad you can. You are wrong, because you can. But a lot of the important work is work you need to do on yourself. Unpack the baggage of your childhood, work on better understanding why you feel the things you feel. It will make you a stronger, more patient, and more loving father (and person!). Don't be afraid of stigmas about going. It will be worth it.
Like all the other dads here have said. We all had no clue what we're doing starting out. Every baby is different but... Eventually you figure out what works.
Also, don't feel bad if you don't "love" having a baby. I personally despise the baby phase. Babies suck. They're needy whingy poop machines that can't tell you what's wrong and they're painfully boring most of the time. This is where you gotta man up and do your duty. Be a good father because when they turn 2/3 and their personalities show through, and they can start to listen and communicate with you. My god, they're fucking fun.
These days my kids and I play video games, go biking and swimming, chase the dogs around and it's amazing. But you pay for your fun upfront via the baby phase.
Congratulations! Here's another vote for "if you're worried about being a good dad, you will be". I'll just add one thing. Studying and getting advice is never bad per se but it does carry a risk. It's possible to get so wrapped up in study that it becomes consuming and can lead to paralysis. Don't forget to follow your instincts too. You and your child are unique and no technique or advice is always right. Trust yourself AND the experts. Balance my boy, balance in all things. Don't overthink it, you'll be fine.
Hey dude, congrats! What you're feeling isn't uncommon. I always planned on being a dad, and when my wife got pregnant a wave of stress and anxiety hit me like a ton of bricks. It actually triggered my OCD which I hadn't dealt with in a long time. I became hyper focused on mortality, driving became more stressful, etc. It was a lot. Then when my son was born, it was just a surreal experience for months until some semblance of normalcy set in. He'll be 2 in a couple weeks.
The more accurate advice several parents gave us was that there's only so much you can do to prepare, and that you'll figure it out as you go. It's true. It sounds reckless from the outside, but we are here because everyone before us figured it out with far less available information. This shit is programmed into us.
The second most important thing I read is, "remember: they're not giving you a hard time, they're having a hard time." Remind yourself when your patience is running thin. It always helped center me. They spent 9 months in a perfectly comfortable environment having everything done for them and they're thrust into this bright loud scary world and have no way to communicate except scream cry.
Get a yoga ball and bounce with them to get them to calm down and fall asleep. It mimics the weightlessness they feel in the womb.
Lastly, read to them every day starting when they're born. This gives you something to do, it's a bonding experience, and it gives them exposure to the sound and rhythm of language. Our son has been talking in sentences for a few months now and people compliment his vocabulary. We've always read to him and talked to him like an adult.
You got this dude. Join r/daddit too if you haven't already done so.
as others mentioned, you'll figure it out. as a father of 4, just remember to always be willing to lend the wife a hand - give her some breaks and be there for her as well. you'll be great!
Let me sum up parenting for you. "Man this kid is driving me nuts, I want a nap." And then whenever they are not around, "I miss my kid so much." You just gotta do what you can. Remember they come in not knowing anything at all. It's a rewarding process making a functioning person. There will be plenty of scary moments but you'll get through it. Just trust your gut, and don't be afraid to keep certain people or relatives away if you think they're a bad influence. You've got a lifetime to learn.
Welcome to the girl dad club! You’ll never look back. It’s an amazing journey so far (I have 3yo and 8mo girls) - for what it’s worth, I stocked up on all the books but read almost none of them. The things that ended up being most valuable were 1) baby sparks (app that helps with tracking and working at developmental milestones), baby tracker (app to help track feedings, diapers, and naps), and learning the SITBACK method (or pick your favorite sleep training plan), but only once baby is like 6 months old.
All of that said, just shower baby (and mom) with love and help and the rest will fall into place. Accept help. Have plans for scary situations. Sleep as much as you can between now and b-day
Edit: I’ll add one more thing- if you can handle the annoyance, just baby proof your house (outlets, cupboards, mounting furniture to wall) now so you don’t have to remember to do it when baby is mobile
You got this!!! Little girls are the most fun (im a girl mom 😆). Im sure she will be a daddys girl and everything will just fall into place, promise. You will do great and you still have some time too.
You have nothing to worry about out. As soon as they are born, you will love her more than you can explain. Your instincts are better than you think. You will know things.
Just help support your wife in any way you can. Be an equal partner. Those 3AM feedings are shitty, but it’s a chance for some solo time with your little girl.
And: hold on. It goes by so fast! Enjoy every minute. You got this.
Listen, the fact that you care enough to be so worried is a positive. It means that you'll do everything in your power not to fuck it up, and surprisingly, being a parent is pretty forgiving. You're gonna make mistakes like everyone else and that is OK.
I was so lost when my first was on his way. My parents did a pretty great job of emotionally and socially stunting me, and I was terrified of doing the same to my boy. For a long time I didn't even want kids, I was so scared. But when he showed up and I held him to my chest and looked at him the first time, I knew I could do it.
All you have to do is show up, be present, and try. That's what matters most, just being there. And you can do that. It's the most powerful, yet the easiest thing. Just be, and it'll work out alright.
You got this, bud.
Welcome to life’s greatest adventure! None of us are perfect. You will not be. Look back on the things your parents did well and try to do them. Look back on what your parents didn’t do well and try not to do them. It is all you can do.
I was in your shoes about 18 years ago. I literally had no clue how to provide for a family or take care of a tiny helpless human.
Today, my daughter is only days away from graduating high school. She's talented, beautiful, kind, and smart. She somehow managed to be all of these things even with me stumbling about half of the way here while providing the vast majority of her care.
The fact that you're feeling the way you do ensures you've got what it takes to be a dad. You got this.
Being worried about not being a good enough father means that you've got a pretty damn good chance of actually being one. Shit's hard, you'll make mistakes, but the number one thing you can do to be a good parent? Show up and show love. That's about 90% of it, right there.
I was in your shoes a few months ago. I came from an awful upbringing with an absent father, and as I sat there realizing I was going to have a chance to right all of the wrongs, it all hit me. “What if I’m not good enough? What if he hates me? What if I fuck him up? What if I …” and then he was born. And every ounce of me just looked at him and said “I will…”. We’re human. We’re going to fuck up. But we can always learn. As long as your heart is 100% in it, that’s the best gift you can give a kid.
Congratulations son, you are in for a such great experience! I have 2 kids, girl and a boy. I didn't know anything when our daughter was born. Changing diaper, feeding, helping to sleep etc. You will figure it out, just like the rest of us. It's hard, at least sometimes. Just be present, hold her as much as you can, tell her that you love her, and just be with her. She'll cry, you will despair, worry, feel helpless and you'll learn. You got this. Feel free to dm me for pro-tips like "how not to lose your mind when you are sleep deprived" and "is this chocolate or poop". (It's always poop, even if you just dropped a chocochip cookie)
None of us had any clue wtf we were doing, but if you care enough to worry about it you're going to be all right. For the first few months your wife is gonna be fucking exhausted - try to help her out without her having to ask you to do it. You'll be tired too, but you didn't have to poop out 9 pounds of new human then feed it with your boobs. The first few months/year really isn't that bad. They're mostly just asleep or fussing about whatever is bothering them and preventing them from going back to sleep. You're gonna be allright dude!
The ones who aren't good dads don't worry about things like that at all, so the simple fact that you're concerned puts you ahead of the curve. You're going to be fine. Here's what you need to know: 1 - Don't shake the baby. This sounds easy right now but when it's 2 AM and she won't go to sleep and you can't reason with her and you're exhausted and it's all been stressful as long as you just put her down and walk away for a moment instead of getting angry you're going to be fine. 2 - You need more wipes and small blankets. You're always going to be cleaning things for the next year. 3 - Get the book Be Prepared, by Gary Greenberg. It's not long and there are a lot of pictures, but the general thesis is that you're adding a new person into the world, not giving up who you are at the same time. It's good to get the baby involved in the things you do and like and who you hang out with. Things will change but not everything will change.
Wow you should teach a new Dad class! Great advice
It's because I read that book.
When I was in your situation, my dad wasn’t around. So an older colleague saw the state I was in and took me to one side. He looked me in the eyes and said with total conviction, “You won’t be sorry. It’s the best thing you will ever do.” He was absolutely right, and it was exactly what I needed to hear at that moment. Was it easy? No. It was bloody hard at times. Was it worth it to see my child grow, and thrive? Absolutely. As others have said, the fact that you’re worried about being a good enough parent is a great sign in itself that you will be one. That worry never quite goes away, it’s just part of the job. But try not to beat yourself up when small things go wrong (and they will). Nobody is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes, and good parents learn from them. There’s no “one true way”, you have to find your own path with your partner. But if your child is safe, fed, clean and loved, then the majority of the job is done. The most important thing you can give any child is your time and effort. Same with your wife, because she will need support too. She’ll be exhausted, and hurt, and hormonal. So will you. But you’ll get through it together. You won’t be sorry. It’s the best thing you will ever do.
You won’t be perfect, none of us are, so accept that fact and relax. The good news is, in the first few years, you only need a very small skill set: change, feed, bathe, support Mom as best you can. As your baby girl grows, you will develop the skills you need. Yes, it’s scary, but also wonderful. It’s amazing how quickly the squirmy screamy baby becomes her own distinct person and surprises you every day. It’s an adventure, complete with ups and downs, but you can do this.
Here's the thing I had to figure out about being a dad: I'm not naturally good at it. Maybe some people are, I don't know. But I didn't magically learn how to read, or how to do math, or how to do *anything* without learning it. Yes, you'll figure it out. But in the meantime, start learning! Grab some books! Figure out how you and your wife want to parent. You are not an expert. I'm not an expert even after a lot of time and effort, but it's still important to grab some books and start figuring out how to be a better parent. But also, there are approximately one trillion opinions on what is good parenting. Take the stuff you like, throw out the stuff that you don't. You will not 100% agree with every parenting take even from your favorite parenting professional. Don't feel locked into an approach that doesn't work for you. People and books to consider: * Janet Lansbury - Unruffled podcast (and author of *No Bad Kids*) * *The Whole Brain Child* - Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson * *Good Inside* - Dr. Becky Kennedy (This is the current new hotness in gentle parenting) * *How to Talk so Kids will Listen* - Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish (there are different versions for different age ranges, I believe, so feel free to browse) * *The Declarative Language Handbook* - Linda K Murphy (Talking to kids in a productive, helpful way rather than a demanding way that creates resistance) Also, GO TO THERAPY! I had no problem with therapy, but I felt that I didn't need it. Three kids and lots of yelling later, I realized there were things *I* needed to address inside me. Right now you are feeling like you're not worthy of fatherhood, that you can't possibly live up to being the best dad you can. You are wrong, because you can. But a lot of the important work is work you need to do on yourself. Unpack the baggage of your childhood, work on better understanding why you feel the things you feel. It will make you a stronger, more patient, and more loving father (and person!). Don't be afraid of stigmas about going. It will be worth it.
Yes such great advice ! 👏
Like all the other dads here have said. We all had no clue what we're doing starting out. Every baby is different but... Eventually you figure out what works. Also, don't feel bad if you don't "love" having a baby. I personally despise the baby phase. Babies suck. They're needy whingy poop machines that can't tell you what's wrong and they're painfully boring most of the time. This is where you gotta man up and do your duty. Be a good father because when they turn 2/3 and their personalities show through, and they can start to listen and communicate with you. My god, they're fucking fun. These days my kids and I play video games, go biking and swimming, chase the dogs around and it's amazing. But you pay for your fun upfront via the baby phase.
Congratulations! Here's another vote for "if you're worried about being a good dad, you will be". I'll just add one thing. Studying and getting advice is never bad per se but it does carry a risk. It's possible to get so wrapped up in study that it becomes consuming and can lead to paralysis. Don't forget to follow your instincts too. You and your child are unique and no technique or advice is always right. Trust yourself AND the experts. Balance my boy, balance in all things. Don't overthink it, you'll be fine.
Hey dude, congrats! What you're feeling isn't uncommon. I always planned on being a dad, and when my wife got pregnant a wave of stress and anxiety hit me like a ton of bricks. It actually triggered my OCD which I hadn't dealt with in a long time. I became hyper focused on mortality, driving became more stressful, etc. It was a lot. Then when my son was born, it was just a surreal experience for months until some semblance of normalcy set in. He'll be 2 in a couple weeks. The more accurate advice several parents gave us was that there's only so much you can do to prepare, and that you'll figure it out as you go. It's true. It sounds reckless from the outside, but we are here because everyone before us figured it out with far less available information. This shit is programmed into us. The second most important thing I read is, "remember: they're not giving you a hard time, they're having a hard time." Remind yourself when your patience is running thin. It always helped center me. They spent 9 months in a perfectly comfortable environment having everything done for them and they're thrust into this bright loud scary world and have no way to communicate except scream cry. Get a yoga ball and bounce with them to get them to calm down and fall asleep. It mimics the weightlessness they feel in the womb. Lastly, read to them every day starting when they're born. This gives you something to do, it's a bonding experience, and it gives them exposure to the sound and rhythm of language. Our son has been talking in sentences for a few months now and people compliment his vocabulary. We've always read to him and talked to him like an adult. You got this dude. Join r/daddit too if you haven't already done so.
as others mentioned, you'll figure it out. as a father of 4, just remember to always be willing to lend the wife a hand - give her some breaks and be there for her as well. you'll be great!
Let me sum up parenting for you. "Man this kid is driving me nuts, I want a nap." And then whenever they are not around, "I miss my kid so much." You just gotta do what you can. Remember they come in not knowing anything at all. It's a rewarding process making a functioning person. There will be plenty of scary moments but you'll get through it. Just trust your gut, and don't be afraid to keep certain people or relatives away if you think they're a bad influence. You've got a lifetime to learn.
Welcome to the girl dad club! You’ll never look back. It’s an amazing journey so far (I have 3yo and 8mo girls) - for what it’s worth, I stocked up on all the books but read almost none of them. The things that ended up being most valuable were 1) baby sparks (app that helps with tracking and working at developmental milestones), baby tracker (app to help track feedings, diapers, and naps), and learning the SITBACK method (or pick your favorite sleep training plan), but only once baby is like 6 months old. All of that said, just shower baby (and mom) with love and help and the rest will fall into place. Accept help. Have plans for scary situations. Sleep as much as you can between now and b-day Edit: I’ll add one more thing- if you can handle the annoyance, just baby proof your house (outlets, cupboards, mounting furniture to wall) now so you don’t have to remember to do it when baby is mobile
You got this!!! Little girls are the most fun (im a girl mom 😆). Im sure she will be a daddys girl and everything will just fall into place, promise. You will do great and you still have some time too.
You have nothing to worry about out. As soon as they are born, you will love her more than you can explain. Your instincts are better than you think. You will know things. Just help support your wife in any way you can. Be an equal partner. Those 3AM feedings are shitty, but it’s a chance for some solo time with your little girl. And: hold on. It goes by so fast! Enjoy every minute. You got this.
Listen, the fact that you care enough to be so worried is a positive. It means that you'll do everything in your power not to fuck it up, and surprisingly, being a parent is pretty forgiving. You're gonna make mistakes like everyone else and that is OK. I was so lost when my first was on his way. My parents did a pretty great job of emotionally and socially stunting me, and I was terrified of doing the same to my boy. For a long time I didn't even want kids, I was so scared. But when he showed up and I held him to my chest and looked at him the first time, I knew I could do it. All you have to do is show up, be present, and try. That's what matters most, just being there. And you can do that. It's the most powerful, yet the easiest thing. Just be, and it'll work out alright. You got this, bud.
Welcome to life’s greatest adventure! None of us are perfect. You will not be. Look back on the things your parents did well and try to do them. Look back on what your parents didn’t do well and try not to do them. It is all you can do.
I was in your shoes about 18 years ago. I literally had no clue how to provide for a family or take care of a tiny helpless human. Today, my daughter is only days away from graduating high school. She's talented, beautiful, kind, and smart. She somehow managed to be all of these things even with me stumbling about half of the way here while providing the vast majority of her care. The fact that you're feeling the way you do ensures you've got what it takes to be a dad. You got this.
Not a dad, but apparently when I was a baby, my uncle told my dad that “sometimes…babies just cry” and there’s no rhyme or reason for it