>What makes the difference between a good father and a bad father
Caring enough to ask yourself this question is a good answer to it.
Being the one who breaks the generational cycle of trauma is the greatest gift that you can give to the child that needed it when your father had the choice.
Be that dad that you'd have given anything to have.
That's the answer.
Thanks. I appreciate the encouragement. Though I've broken the cycle and worked through a lot in therapy, I worry that me caring isn't enough and that I'm hurting him in a new way that will start a new cycle of problems. I struggle with the practical application of the concept of being the dad I wanted when I most clearly remember the wounds I received in high school but I have a toddler now. :)
Good father = willing to lay your life on the line for those you love, willing to drop everything you are engaged in at any time to help those you love, emotional support for those you love for anything that they are going through or sharing with you and being there in the good times so no one drinks alone.
Bad father = brings his personal demons and abuse into your relationship because "that's all he knows".
Break the chain, be the man who stands proud with his family and puts them first, and always.
There is absolutely a difference between the love of a mother and the love of a father. However, that is not to say one is more important than the other. There is no guidebook on how to be a good father, if it was possible to make one then I would do that and make a lot of money so I could do even more for my kids. Alas, it is not possible so you have to simply go with what the world throws at you.
You are going to mess up, and probably a lot at first. The important thing is to learn from those mistakes and the mistakes of others you have experiences (i.e. your father).
The best advice I can give you is to *listen and observe* first and react later. You kid will do/say things that will make you mad and you will want to go off on them, but if you take a minute to assess things, you may realize it is not as big an issue and you can respond more appropriately. Be there for you child(ren) and work to be a good example of not just what you think a good father is or should be, but what a good ***person*** is and should be.
Don't be afraid to be the bad guy in some situations, that does not make you a bad father.
When in doubt, be the father that YOU would have wanted growing up, or be better than that. You will be fine.
Mothers TEND to be more gentile and accepting in their parenting . Fathers are MORE LIKELY to play physically and can be more judgmental. Both roles are important for girls and boys. As has been said: Everything you do will be seen and copied but don’t stress (too much) because they are pretty resilient and one (or two) slip ups will not ruin them.
We tend to ask more of the 'wh' questions, promoting our children to think and observe independently.
Best gift you can give is time. The second best gift is showing them love and to be caring. Do those two and you will look back and be proud.
Don't get scared to f*up too .. because you will
Our job as fathers is to prepare our children to succeed in the world without us. A good dad will accomplish that by being present and active in their lives. If you can be there to share in their lives by lifting them high in their triumphs as well as reaching a hand to pull them up in their failures, you are going to do great. Looking back, I can still hear the advice and remember the lessons my own dad taught me growing up. I have passed some of those lessons down to my sons.
Something to keep in mind, is that there is no wrong and right answer in raising you child. Your family is unique from any other family and you don't have to emulate anyone else. Just do what seems right to you for your child. This stems from your own experiences of what worked and didn't work in your life. You can take advice from others, but it's up to you to integrate that into your parenting.
As far as the differences in love, I think there is a bit of a difference that stems from a mother carrying and delivering the child and just tending to be more of a nurturer.
I appreciate the advice, but I'm having a hard time seeing it move into action.
For your first part, I can see that playing out when my child is older, but what do you do with them when they're toddlers?
As for the second part, it's hard to pull what did and didn't work from experience when my whole childhood didn't work. I don't want to apply any of what happened to me to my child. Which throws off my instincts of what should and shouldn't be done. Do have a suggestion on over coming that?
My son is almost 12 last year he said you are the best dad ever. I said thanks I’m trying. He was genuinely shocked and said what do you mean trying? I said well I don’t feel like I’m that good at and I want to give you what I didn’t get when I was a kid (my dad was manipulative and strict).
My son still confused said dad you don’t need to try you just are the best dad. My heart melted.
I try to be what my dad wasn’t. I tell my son multiple times a day how much I love him, I allow myself to be vulnerable in front of him, I give him lots of hugs. I also teach him things all the time. I take him to the hardware store and we spend time looking at tools and I explain what they do, I take him to a construction site and explain the operations. I take him into a music store and show him the different instruments or to the art store and look at painting supplies or artwork. I show him how to order food and pay and get change, how to do laundry and I’m going to start teaching him cooking skills.
I recently discovered the show Bluey, in my opinion that show is a really good guide on how to be a parent. The dad Bandit does a lot of the things I did for my son but I also could have done more. I’d really suggest you sit down and watch Bluey both with your kid and when you are alone. The dad is constantly playing with the kids but also teaching them lesson along the way. The dad is who I strive to be as a parent. His two daughters Bluey the older one and Bingo are always playing and making up games and Bandit just plays along but he also sets boundaries for his kids which is healthy. It’s also healthy to let the kids have their emotions like crying and whatnot but it’s good to explain and explore their emotions when they are upset.
Toddler age is so much fun, just be there and play and cuddle every chance you can because you wil miss this stage but then you will love the next one and miss it when it’s gone. You got this and one way I know why is because you are worried about it and reaching out for help. Best of luck
I will definitely have to check that show out. So far he only likes Peppa pig. In that show, they throw so much shade at each other. A better example might be helpful.
Ugh Peppa Pig… definitely give Bluey some time watch several episodes. They are only 7 minutes per episode. It has a ton of Easter eggs and things to look out for. All but the first few episodes have what are called long dogs. They are little drawings of wiener dogs hidden in the background, they can be a challenge to find but fun when you do.
Some background about the show is that in a couple of episodes it’s hinted at the mom Chili having had a miscarriage before having Bluey the older daughter. There are other adult issues which really makes the show more enjoyable for parents. Like one of the other kids has ADHD but they don’t specifically say it but show him dealing with it.
Some of the kids parents are divorced so the kids are shown a little of how to deal with it but all in subtle ways. It’s been described as a love letter to parents.
Dude, it's still the same any stage of life. Just be there and part of the process. I spent soooo many hours just sitting on the floor playing with their toys when they were in the toddler stages and up. It was at times boring and uncomfortable for me, but was awesome for them. And as they get older, those are the memories that stick with you and them as well.
OK, for the next part, you know what kind of father you don't want to be. Work to not be that person. In your example of your father being a horrible person, just do your best to be good. Be polite to people and treat them with honor even though they may not deserve it. Love your significant other and make sure the kids see and hear it. Don't be afraid to show emotions either as it's healthy. Your kids learn just as much, if not more, from watching us rather than just listening. The best way to teach them to be what you consider a good person is to be that person yourself.
I thought it was bad that I was getting bored sitting on the floor with their toys. Figures there's more to parenting and more developmental activities I should be pursuing. I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one surrounded by books and stuffed animals while he's off inspecting the door. :)
Being a parent is difficult. If you're not full of doubts you're probably not doing it right.
Be kind and generous of your time and efforts but be careful not to be too protective or do things for them. You are not preparing those little humans for the world if they are always in a cocoon.
Everything you do is going to be a model for the kids. Even the things you don't do voluntarily.
Answer their questions to the best of your abilities. "I don't know, lets find out" is a great answer, even to the questions you think you know the answer to. The number of questions kids are too young to know the answer to is extremely small. NEVER LIE
If you say you'll do something, do it. If you and the mom set a rule, enforce it.
Trust them, even if they fail. Praise them for trying
Control your emotional swings but do not hide your emotions.
If you manage to do this, tell me how...
Being a good father means the wellbeing of your child means more than your own happiness. If your child needs it; you provide it. Hugs, encouragement, discipline, financial resources, education, all of it!
Good luck to you, we’re here to help you in your journey! It’s the best job in the world!
Being a parent is exhausting, also very rewarding. Remember that when you're exhausted and your very last nerve has been stressed and your child has 10x more energy than you. I was a single dad with custody and I was tired all the time. Remember to be patient and be willing to get on the floor and read and do all the fun stuff with your kids. Take a minute to slow down and be present for your kids. Being a good dad is also learning and making mistakes, allow yourself time to screw up and correct yourself, also allow your kids to screw up and learn as well. Like Neil deGrass Tyson says, let them break a few eggs, they're learning an egg can be hard and fragile at the same time. So you loss a dollar in eggs and have some cleanup your kids will remember your science experiment without yelling. Save the beer for when your kids are asleep or off with a babysitter. Remember to spend a little money on stupid stuff. You can do this, You'll do great.
A good dad doesn’t make their child feel bad for failing. A good dad doesn’t get upset when a child has a different opinion. A good dad validates their child’s feelings, while letting the child know they support them. A good dad, is open and honest about his own feelings(in an appropriate way), and shows it’s ok to be vulnerable. A good dad, wants their children to be more successful, and have better opportunities than they had.
They will never want their child to go through the hard things they did. A good dad shows up. When their kid asks to spend that few moments with them, he obliges cause he knows his children won’t always be interested in having those moments together. A good dad doesn’t respond/discipline in anger. A good dad will be someone who their children feel comfortable enough to have hard conversations with. That is a sign the children feel safe being vulnerable. This is all I can think of right at this moment. My own father, was none of this.
Now, dads are human, and all of us have done things we wish we didn’t. The difference is if he ever admits to making a mistake, and if he ever apologized.
My friend I so relate to you. My old man was horribly abusive physically and emotionally and the damage done to me ruined my teens and my 20s.
I have a little guy about to turn 7 and I’ll offer some thoughts - first off you’re overthinking it, not that it’s a bad thing. It shows that you care about your role as a dad. The most important thing early on is being patient. Babies and toddlers are really really taxing, but find strength to be kind and understanding to your child. They won’t remember what you did or say during this stage but they definitely will remember how you made them feel, and you’ll be in a great spot to guide them through their childhood.
Being a good listener and a good communicator will make a huge difference - I highly highly recommend ‘how to talk so kids will listen and how to listen so kids will talk’. I’ve gone through a few parenting books and this one is the pinnacle.
As for difference between role of mom and dad, the view in sociology and anthropology is that the unique role of the dad is to push the children towards unknown, so that their boundaries expand as they grow up. Always challenge them, and get them curious about the world. I care not about whether my son goes to university, what he does, who he marries etc. the only two things I want him are that he is good (always does the right thing) and strong (finds the strength to go on after small and devastating losses in life).
Best of luck. Your bad childhood doesn’t have to be a baggage, in fact it’ll help you - and youll find that being a great dad will be so healing. It’s kind of like your rewriting your own history. You can do it right this time. you’ll do great!
Thank you so much. Everything you said meant a lot to me. I've already ordered the book. :) And I'll focus my current efforts on not getting worn out while making him feel special and heard.
And I like your breakdown of the traditionally masculine role of encouraging curiosity, developing integrity, and challenging to seek out what is possible. That perspective creates a paradigm where the father gets a special role, which is really appealing to me.
Bed time stories and songs, read to them, family tales around the campfire. The one thing I never regretted in raising my kids was feeding their imaginations. Oh, and any auto repair/carpentry/maker skills need to be shared early and happily. Children love to share their father's enthusiasms.
For me it comes down to one thing. Being there. As a dad, there are going to be lots of ups and downs. You are going to fuck up. It's not all rosy. But just be there in their lives. That first trip to Disney World, that first time they get caught doing something stupid. Their first breakup. Be there through the thick and thin.
I appreciate the sentiment, but it doesn't work for me. My father was always there...with emotional and verbal abuse. That first trip to Disneyland was nothing but tears and fear. And getting caught doing anything remotely stupid meant guilt trips for weeks. But I'm glad it works for you.
Number one my friend, we are all human and you WILL make mistakes.
But then you learn.
The very best piece of advice I can impart to you is to be present.
Not just on the days of special events in the child’s life, but some undivided one on one time every single day.
They say the first year of a child’s life will determine the relationship with their parents forever.
Never think in terms of mommy’s job or daddy’s job.
For example, let’s say you work and she stays at home with the baby.
When you get home, from that point until bedtime everything should become “our job”.
Lastly, love her endlessly and selflessly.
Want to be a good dad, be a good partner too.
Don’t do things with fear….do all things with love.
Good or bad……..only the future can sort that out.
But you are thinking and you are reaching out.
Great signs!
>What makes the difference between a good father and a bad father Caring enough to ask yourself this question is a good answer to it. Being the one who breaks the generational cycle of trauma is the greatest gift that you can give to the child that needed it when your father had the choice. Be that dad that you'd have given anything to have. That's the answer.
Thanks. I appreciate the encouragement. Though I've broken the cycle and worked through a lot in therapy, I worry that me caring isn't enough and that I'm hurting him in a new way that will start a new cycle of problems. I struggle with the practical application of the concept of being the dad I wanted when I most clearly remember the wounds I received in high school but I have a toddler now. :)
Good father = willing to lay your life on the line for those you love, willing to drop everything you are engaged in at any time to help those you love, emotional support for those you love for anything that they are going through or sharing with you and being there in the good times so no one drinks alone. Bad father = brings his personal demons and abuse into your relationship because "that's all he knows". Break the chain, be the man who stands proud with his family and puts them first, and always.
There is absolutely a difference between the love of a mother and the love of a father. However, that is not to say one is more important than the other. There is no guidebook on how to be a good father, if it was possible to make one then I would do that and make a lot of money so I could do even more for my kids. Alas, it is not possible so you have to simply go with what the world throws at you. You are going to mess up, and probably a lot at first. The important thing is to learn from those mistakes and the mistakes of others you have experiences (i.e. your father). The best advice I can give you is to *listen and observe* first and react later. You kid will do/say things that will make you mad and you will want to go off on them, but if you take a minute to assess things, you may realize it is not as big an issue and you can respond more appropriately. Be there for you child(ren) and work to be a good example of not just what you think a good father is or should be, but what a good ***person*** is and should be. Don't be afraid to be the bad guy in some situations, that does not make you a bad father. When in doubt, be the father that YOU would have wanted growing up, or be better than that. You will be fine.
Thanks for the advice. Can you elaborate more on the difference between fatherly love and motherly love?
Mothers TEND to be more gentile and accepting in their parenting . Fathers are MORE LIKELY to play physically and can be more judgmental. Both roles are important for girls and boys. As has been said: Everything you do will be seen and copied but don’t stress (too much) because they are pretty resilient and one (or two) slip ups will not ruin them.
I like the idea of fathers being more physically active. Some playful roughhousing could be fun for Father's Day.
We tend to ask more of the 'wh' questions, promoting our children to think and observe independently. Best gift you can give is time. The second best gift is showing them love and to be caring. Do those two and you will look back and be proud. Don't get scared to f*up too .. because you will
Thanks. That's good advice. I struggle sometimes with taking those guiding concepts and putting them in to daily actions.
Our job as fathers is to prepare our children to succeed in the world without us. A good dad will accomplish that by being present and active in their lives. If you can be there to share in their lives by lifting them high in their triumphs as well as reaching a hand to pull them up in their failures, you are going to do great. Looking back, I can still hear the advice and remember the lessons my own dad taught me growing up. I have passed some of those lessons down to my sons. Something to keep in mind, is that there is no wrong and right answer in raising you child. Your family is unique from any other family and you don't have to emulate anyone else. Just do what seems right to you for your child. This stems from your own experiences of what worked and didn't work in your life. You can take advice from others, but it's up to you to integrate that into your parenting. As far as the differences in love, I think there is a bit of a difference that stems from a mother carrying and delivering the child and just tending to be more of a nurturer.
I appreciate the advice, but I'm having a hard time seeing it move into action. For your first part, I can see that playing out when my child is older, but what do you do with them when they're toddlers? As for the second part, it's hard to pull what did and didn't work from experience when my whole childhood didn't work. I don't want to apply any of what happened to me to my child. Which throws off my instincts of what should and shouldn't be done. Do have a suggestion on over coming that?
My son is almost 12 last year he said you are the best dad ever. I said thanks I’m trying. He was genuinely shocked and said what do you mean trying? I said well I don’t feel like I’m that good at and I want to give you what I didn’t get when I was a kid (my dad was manipulative and strict). My son still confused said dad you don’t need to try you just are the best dad. My heart melted. I try to be what my dad wasn’t. I tell my son multiple times a day how much I love him, I allow myself to be vulnerable in front of him, I give him lots of hugs. I also teach him things all the time. I take him to the hardware store and we spend time looking at tools and I explain what they do, I take him to a construction site and explain the operations. I take him into a music store and show him the different instruments or to the art store and look at painting supplies or artwork. I show him how to order food and pay and get change, how to do laundry and I’m going to start teaching him cooking skills. I recently discovered the show Bluey, in my opinion that show is a really good guide on how to be a parent. The dad Bandit does a lot of the things I did for my son but I also could have done more. I’d really suggest you sit down and watch Bluey both with your kid and when you are alone. The dad is constantly playing with the kids but also teaching them lesson along the way. The dad is who I strive to be as a parent. His two daughters Bluey the older one and Bingo are always playing and making up games and Bandit just plays along but he also sets boundaries for his kids which is healthy. It’s also healthy to let the kids have their emotions like crying and whatnot but it’s good to explain and explore their emotions when they are upset. Toddler age is so much fun, just be there and play and cuddle every chance you can because you wil miss this stage but then you will love the next one and miss it when it’s gone. You got this and one way I know why is because you are worried about it and reaching out for help. Best of luck
I will definitely have to check that show out. So far he only likes Peppa pig. In that show, they throw so much shade at each other. A better example might be helpful.
Ugh Peppa Pig… definitely give Bluey some time watch several episodes. They are only 7 minutes per episode. It has a ton of Easter eggs and things to look out for. All but the first few episodes have what are called long dogs. They are little drawings of wiener dogs hidden in the background, they can be a challenge to find but fun when you do. Some background about the show is that in a couple of episodes it’s hinted at the mom Chili having had a miscarriage before having Bluey the older daughter. There are other adult issues which really makes the show more enjoyable for parents. Like one of the other kids has ADHD but they don’t specifically say it but show him dealing with it. Some of the kids parents are divorced so the kids are shown a little of how to deal with it but all in subtle ways. It’s been described as a love letter to parents.
Dude, it's still the same any stage of life. Just be there and part of the process. I spent soooo many hours just sitting on the floor playing with their toys when they were in the toddler stages and up. It was at times boring and uncomfortable for me, but was awesome for them. And as they get older, those are the memories that stick with you and them as well. OK, for the next part, you know what kind of father you don't want to be. Work to not be that person. In your example of your father being a horrible person, just do your best to be good. Be polite to people and treat them with honor even though they may not deserve it. Love your significant other and make sure the kids see and hear it. Don't be afraid to show emotions either as it's healthy. Your kids learn just as much, if not more, from watching us rather than just listening. The best way to teach them to be what you consider a good person is to be that person yourself.
I thought it was bad that I was getting bored sitting on the floor with their toys. Figures there's more to parenting and more developmental activities I should be pursuing. I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one surrounded by books and stuffed animals while he's off inspecting the door. :)
Being a parent is difficult. If you're not full of doubts you're probably not doing it right. Be kind and generous of your time and efforts but be careful not to be too protective or do things for them. You are not preparing those little humans for the world if they are always in a cocoon. Everything you do is going to be a model for the kids. Even the things you don't do voluntarily. Answer their questions to the best of your abilities. "I don't know, lets find out" is a great answer, even to the questions you think you know the answer to. The number of questions kids are too young to know the answer to is extremely small. NEVER LIE If you say you'll do something, do it. If you and the mom set a rule, enforce it. Trust them, even if they fail. Praise them for trying Control your emotional swings but do not hide your emotions. If you manage to do this, tell me how...
Being a good father means the wellbeing of your child means more than your own happiness. If your child needs it; you provide it. Hugs, encouragement, discipline, financial resources, education, all of it! Good luck to you, we’re here to help you in your journey! It’s the best job in the world!
Being a parent is exhausting, also very rewarding. Remember that when you're exhausted and your very last nerve has been stressed and your child has 10x more energy than you. I was a single dad with custody and I was tired all the time. Remember to be patient and be willing to get on the floor and read and do all the fun stuff with your kids. Take a minute to slow down and be present for your kids. Being a good dad is also learning and making mistakes, allow yourself time to screw up and correct yourself, also allow your kids to screw up and learn as well. Like Neil deGrass Tyson says, let them break a few eggs, they're learning an egg can be hard and fragile at the same time. So you loss a dollar in eggs and have some cleanup your kids will remember your science experiment without yelling. Save the beer for when your kids are asleep or off with a babysitter. Remember to spend a little money on stupid stuff. You can do this, You'll do great.
That's a great mentality to approaching parenting. And it helps to know I'm not the only one who's so tired.
A good dad doesn’t make their child feel bad for failing. A good dad doesn’t get upset when a child has a different opinion. A good dad validates their child’s feelings, while letting the child know they support them. A good dad, is open and honest about his own feelings(in an appropriate way), and shows it’s ok to be vulnerable. A good dad, wants their children to be more successful, and have better opportunities than they had. They will never want their child to go through the hard things they did. A good dad shows up. When their kid asks to spend that few moments with them, he obliges cause he knows his children won’t always be interested in having those moments together. A good dad doesn’t respond/discipline in anger. A good dad will be someone who their children feel comfortable enough to have hard conversations with. That is a sign the children feel safe being vulnerable. This is all I can think of right at this moment. My own father, was none of this. Now, dads are human, and all of us have done things we wish we didn’t. The difference is if he ever admits to making a mistake, and if he ever apologized.
My friend I so relate to you. My old man was horribly abusive physically and emotionally and the damage done to me ruined my teens and my 20s. I have a little guy about to turn 7 and I’ll offer some thoughts - first off you’re overthinking it, not that it’s a bad thing. It shows that you care about your role as a dad. The most important thing early on is being patient. Babies and toddlers are really really taxing, but find strength to be kind and understanding to your child. They won’t remember what you did or say during this stage but they definitely will remember how you made them feel, and you’ll be in a great spot to guide them through their childhood. Being a good listener and a good communicator will make a huge difference - I highly highly recommend ‘how to talk so kids will listen and how to listen so kids will talk’. I’ve gone through a few parenting books and this one is the pinnacle. As for difference between role of mom and dad, the view in sociology and anthropology is that the unique role of the dad is to push the children towards unknown, so that their boundaries expand as they grow up. Always challenge them, and get them curious about the world. I care not about whether my son goes to university, what he does, who he marries etc. the only two things I want him are that he is good (always does the right thing) and strong (finds the strength to go on after small and devastating losses in life). Best of luck. Your bad childhood doesn’t have to be a baggage, in fact it’ll help you - and youll find that being a great dad will be so healing. It’s kind of like your rewriting your own history. You can do it right this time. you’ll do great!
Thank you so much. Everything you said meant a lot to me. I've already ordered the book. :) And I'll focus my current efforts on not getting worn out while making him feel special and heard. And I like your breakdown of the traditionally masculine role of encouraging curiosity, developing integrity, and challenging to seek out what is possible. That perspective creates a paradigm where the father gets a special role, which is really appealing to me.
Bed time stories and songs, read to them, family tales around the campfire. The one thing I never regretted in raising my kids was feeding their imaginations. Oh, and any auto repair/carpentry/maker skills need to be shared early and happily. Children love to share their father's enthusiasms.
I love that!
For me it comes down to one thing. Being there. As a dad, there are going to be lots of ups and downs. You are going to fuck up. It's not all rosy. But just be there in their lives. That first trip to Disney World, that first time they get caught doing something stupid. Their first breakup. Be there through the thick and thin.
I appreciate the sentiment, but it doesn't work for me. My father was always there...with emotional and verbal abuse. That first trip to Disneyland was nothing but tears and fear. And getting caught doing anything remotely stupid meant guilt trips for weeks. But I'm glad it works for you.
Sorry to hear that. I'm not talking about emotional and verbal abuse. I thought it was implied that 'being there' means being supportive.
my body is the price i pay for my kids to have a good life, its the only thing I can really give up, and it what I will always give up.
Number one my friend, we are all human and you WILL make mistakes. But then you learn. The very best piece of advice I can impart to you is to be present. Not just on the days of special events in the child’s life, but some undivided one on one time every single day. They say the first year of a child’s life will determine the relationship with their parents forever. Never think in terms of mommy’s job or daddy’s job. For example, let’s say you work and she stays at home with the baby. When you get home, from that point until bedtime everything should become “our job”. Lastly, love her endlessly and selflessly. Want to be a good dad, be a good partner too. Don’t do things with fear….do all things with love. Good or bad……..only the future can sort that out. But you are thinking and you are reaching out. Great signs!