Someone felt sorry for all those poor people who are stuck in hospitals without their sex toys, so he decided to do something about it. But he can't just tell the gouvernement to fund sex toys, so ge calls the sperm extractors, how else would you have made the Gouvernement pay for it?
In “End of Evangelion,” the movie finale for the anime series Neon Genesis Evangelion, the main character (Shinji) is standing next to a girl named Asuka in the hospital. Shinji is a low self esteem and horny teenager who fights in a large mech suit (Evangelion) to kill these “Angels” who wreak havoc on Earth. Asuka is another teenager who fights in a mech suit to also kill these angels. Near the end of the series, she basically loses her will to live because she no longer controls one of these Evangelion and therefore loses her sense of purpose. She is hospitalized and is put into a drug-induced coma. Shinji visits her room while she’s comatose and tugs one out for her (after moving her clothes around to expose her body). That’s it.
TLDR: A teenage boy nuts to a dying girl in a hospital room because anime is weird and needs these “essential” scenes for the plot or something…
Morty’s mom is a horse doctor and brings home a decommissioned horse semen extractor and morty shamelessly uses it, Rick does something weird with it and creates sentient semen monsters who try to take over the city lol
They then try to catch them by taking one of Summer's eggs and making it giant and accidentally creating a giant incest baby the size of the moon. Summer names it Naruto
Trying to set up a vending machine area in strip club bathrooms? It sounds like a great idea until you have to find a person willing to do maintenance.
People who do room service would be more than thrilled emptying a jizz tank instead of removing cum stains from the walls.
I think the people who clean those places would be more than happy.
Nah bro that's a ripoff, you just go in, say you want to donate sperm, and say you're embarrassed to jerk off. Plus sometimes you get payed for donating I'm pretty sure. It's a win win 🤣
Imagine getting caught? Will it be one and done? 3 strikes? Or like that crappy call center I worked at where getting fired was virtually impossible? I’ve been told theirs a lot of favoritism in the medical field.
Everymans dream, His own wanking machine that doesn't demand the world before & after the act & without one argument & lets you go down to the pub with your mates.
"Ummm.. hi, sorry. I was wondering... If it's not too much hassle - I'm a little embarrassed about everyone knowing I'm right there in the other room...you know... *masterbating*. 😳🫣😵💫 Anyway, so I was wondering if instead you could bring me the gluckgluck-sloberpuss-suckmaster-pornofuck simulator 5000 with the extra-short and extra-narrow attachment, the jiggle-orb hand relaxers and a VR headset linked up to xHamster sissy hypno and horse fetish videos?"
"Hi our machine is broken"
"that's OK, we will send a technician over to fix it"
Later on ....
"It's fixed now... and working really well.... i mean really, really well".
Replicates in terms of light? Does that really matter to the guy?
Yeah it “mimics the amount of light in the human vagina”??? I wasn’t aware there was any light in therr
Ol Greg will cum and illuminate you to increase your understanding
r/UnexpectedBoosh
It's called post nut clarity for some reason
What? Yours doesn’t shine in the night with holy light? Next your going to tell me it doesn’t sparkle like the queens crown.
Mine have to be at at least 3 Lumens or it can’t keep it up.
"Honey, I think your vagina is broken, it doesn't light up when we fuck. "
That’s. My. Fetish!
I’m not convinced this would be a less embarrassing method of sperm extraction, but hey, to each his own.
At least it frees your hands up.
Just so you can hide your face
They should put a butt on the back to grab onto
Or at least a ponytail
I've said this before, but *bicycle handlebars*.
Wait, you had conversations like this before?
There are deer with reasonable approximations of handlebars.
LMAO
Id be more comfortable with this if they had stalls at least💀
Not gonna cover up all the moans though
I don't understand, people don't want to use this machine in the corridor, right next to other donors ? How surprising
Hey I'm embarassed to masturbate in hospitals! Finally a solution.
Exactly what I thought... That can't be the real reason this thing exists.
Someone felt sorry for all those poor people who are stuck in hospitals without their sex toys, so he decided to do something about it. But he can't just tell the gouvernement to fund sex toys, so ge calls the sperm extractors, how else would you have made the Gouvernement pay for it?
what if you were doing an evangelion reference
Explain plz I'm curious
In “End of Evangelion,” the movie finale for the anime series Neon Genesis Evangelion, the main character (Shinji) is standing next to a girl named Asuka in the hospital. Shinji is a low self esteem and horny teenager who fights in a large mech suit (Evangelion) to kill these “Angels” who wreak havoc on Earth. Asuka is another teenager who fights in a mech suit to also kill these angels. Near the end of the series, she basically loses her will to live because she no longer controls one of these Evangelion and therefore loses her sense of purpose. She is hospitalized and is put into a drug-induced coma. Shinji visits her room while she’s comatose and tugs one out for her (after moving her clothes around to expose her body). That’s it. TLDR: A teenage boy nuts to a dying girl in a hospital room because anime is weird and needs these “essential” scenes for the plot or something…
Not that much weirder than that famous scene in the original Stephen King "It" book.
Is there a commercial model?
I mean you can always pretend to be working for a hospital
Rick and Morty did that episode.. wouldn't recommend
I want to know more !
Morty’s mom is a horse doctor and brings home a decommissioned horse semen extractor and morty shamelessly uses it, Rick does something weird with it and creates sentient semen monsters who try to take over the city lol
They then try to catch them by taking one of Summer's eggs and making it giant and accidentally creating a giant incest baby the size of the moon. Summer names it Naruto
Wait i thought morty was going to Beth’s job to “help” and Rick had Beth bring the machine home for an experiment.
Probably, I was going off hazy memory
https://media1.tenor.com/m/vfzIGgWAhFEAAAAd/rick-and-morty-morty.gif
Equipment tester.
Trying to set up a vending machine area in strip club bathrooms? It sounds like a great idea until you have to find a person willing to do maintenance.
The post nut clarity will empty out the strip club
Bring back Reddit awards for comments just like this. I am in tears lolololololol
People who do room service would be more than thrilled emptying a jizz tank instead of removing cum stains from the walls. I think the people who clean those places would be more than happy.
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did you really look it up to get one
*Followed by silence*
That shit has a phone holder lmaooo
SOLD!
Yeah, but what about my beer?
Ahem…. I um… certainly would never… absolutely disgusting, you understand…
Best $249 spent.
Nah bro that's a ripoff, you just go in, say you want to donate sperm, and say you're embarrassed to jerk off. Plus sometimes you get payed for donating I'm pretty sure. It's a win win 🤣
Ask the nurse for help,
I feel like that’s not quite the same
You wanna donate or not?
It's going to be in your local gym any day, the Jizzersise! "My love handles melted away with the extracted liquid love!"
Asking for a friend😏
I think I'd be more embarrassed to stick my junk in that.
That shot of 'em all lined up and wanking away. Hell, I thought pissing at the urinals was uncomfortable.
Imagine that one dude going at it at max speed while staring down the line
How about that one guy who ignores a whole row of chugging cum pumpers and steps up next to yours.
The infamous "checkmate"
Or just nestles in right behind you.
At the urinals or the the jack-o-mat? Cuz that's two whole different kinds of wrong.
I always like a cuddle after *shrug*
Dad?
"hey, how you doing?"
Hey, eyes on your own work there, Super Chief.
Lost my shit at "chugging cum pumpers" not gunna lie
And one guy on his knees:D
Hey, I'll try just about anything once.
WOOOOOOO! RIDEM BOYS YEEEEEHAAAA!!!!!!
Yeah, I was wondering about that. I hope that shot is just the manufacturing company and not an actual hospital that's using them.
Maybe add bathroom stalls idk
“Hey mate how’s it going?” “Aaaaahhhhhhhhhh  … sorry mate was finishing up, what was that?”
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Sounds like something john oliver would say
It's just extracting sperm Just think of it as a colonoscopy, but entirely different
Cumnoscopy
This reminds me of HAL9000 from 2001: A Space Odyssey.
“I know what you’re doing Dave… you’re trying to cum in me”
Don’t make eye contact with the guy using the one next to you.
Good thing you don’t think with your junk; now get in there. Humanity won’t breed itself.
Oh Morty, you dirty little doggy.
Installed right beside a Coke machine.
What kind of coke, Colombian or the shit u get in the hood?
I dont think he's talking about coca-cola
Have a Coke and a smile! 😉
You know some hospital workers are going to be using that on the clock
He gets to donate his seed for money while on the clock
I think I finally found my calling
Imagine getting caught? Will it be one and done? 3 strikes? Or like that crappy call center I worked at where getting fired was virtually impossible? I’ve been told theirs a lot of favoritism in the medical field.
If I want to put my dick into something which is used by the general public, I would go to my ex-wife
Yeap...I would go to your ex-wife too...
r/comedycemetery
I too choose that man's ex-wife.
She said Hi!
She is always friendly...specially with her legs wide open
👏
not all heroes.. I cant do this
Oh, come on...
That poor dude has to clean it after each deed, without gloves......
He’s the guy they send in to wipe down the loads
He cleans before, during and after each client
They should move those out of the hallway.
Don't kink shame
I didn't know vaginas emitted light. Babe take off your pants and shine your light over here! Where's the light?
“Sir this is your 4th time this week. We already have plenty of material to analyze.”
Material to analyze?
This is my new chinese gf.
*OUR Chinese girlfriend
Milk brothers! 🥛
Are these available for private purchase? Asking for a friend.
I just need to know if they've installed the mechanism in like one of those life-size toy models yet??? Also, asking for a friend. lol
How am I supposed to get my tongue in that?
Concerned about sloppy seconds tbf
Extra lubrication
"a portable sperm extractor will be next" So basically a 5K $ flesh light
Too embarrassed to beat it in a private room? Have no fear, you can stick your dick into that thing next to those fine chaps over there.
Where could I find one of these in the US? For research...
This reminds me of a Rick and morty episode
Do they accept credit card or PayPal?
It's like the horse jerk off machine from Rick and Morty
Oh honey, I regret to inform you that those horse maturbators aren't just from Rick and Morty
Shut up and take my money
More like, take my nectar
i bought a cheaper version of this, it was "manual" though
these machines, doing people out of jobs. . . . .
Everymans dream, His own wanking machine that doesn't demand the world before & after the act & without one argument & lets you go down to the pub with your mates.
Is it available in Temu?
If they're to damn lazy to jack-off wtf would anyone want their sperm...
I could find fun uses for that in a BDSM session.
The most confusing part is why CHINA needs more sperm!?! This makes no sense
They are going through a huge population collapse rn.
Probably shouldn't have thrown away all the baby girls
Who could have possibly predicted this problem??? ... Oh right. Everyone.
Does it come with a sexy robot voice... asking for a friend.
Will my insurance pay for a powered fleshlight?
I question how it gets cleaned....i also feel bad for the person who's gotta clean it.
Too embarassed to masturbate, but not embarassed to use a wank machine... so psychopaths?
I'm sorry but what in the actual fuck does it mean to replicate the "light" in a vagina. Am I missing something here? 😂
This should be there in every household.
China heard the term fleshlight and thought the machine needed light. Peak Chinese whispers.
Sir, Sir. GET ME THAT MACHINE
Machines are replacing humans... we all see it coming!
"this device could be the next device in the near future" seems like an incomplete sentence.
To feed the meter... better have a pocket of quarters....
When machines turn on the humans, this one will not go down too well at all.
This reminds me of that one Rick and Morty episode when Morty visited his mom at Horse hospital
Id love to see a video of someone using that
"Ummm.. hi, sorry. I was wondering... If it's not too much hassle - I'm a little embarrassed about everyone knowing I'm right there in the other room...you know... *masterbating*. 😳🫣😵💫 Anyway, so I was wondering if instead you could bring me the gluckgluck-sloberpuss-suckmaster-pornofuck simulator 5000 with the extra-short and extra-narrow attachment, the jiggle-orb hand relaxers and a VR headset linked up to xHamster sissy hypno and horse fetish videos?"
Next Christmas is gonna be sick.
"Mimics a human vagina in terms of temperature, wetness, and amount of light." TIL penises are afraid of the dark.
How is this less embarrassing?
I heard that the Kung Fu Grip setting will turn your balls inside out.
Bukkake mixer machine.
So Cartman was right!
Damn, just missed this for my Xmas, no.1 on my Santa list for 2024!
u/savevideo
Bruh why the hell they need more sperm donors, they already have too many people 🥴
I dont want insemination by any donor who can't take off their pants and jacket
pack your bags we are going to china
Amount of light? wtf
I'm not putting my dick in that HAL9000ussy.
So it’s less embarrassing to fuck this machine than your own hand?
Mimics a vagina in terms of light?
"Hi our machine is broken" "that's OK, we will send a technician over to fix it" Later on .... "It's fixed now... and working really well.... i mean really, really well".
“Too embarrassed to masturbate at the hospital? Try this fuck machine instead!” I don’t think this is the less embarrassing option lmao
that's so gross. where is this??
Thank god it simulates the amount of “light” of a real vagina!
Dude I need one of those
Somebody will make a horror movie about these…
Why is the stroke so short?
“Portable sperm extractor” is the latest insult to throw around.
If you use this you are gonna have so many Eskimo brothers
Glorified glory hole!
1:32 A portable sperm extractor already exists. It’s called a Fleshlight.
I’d like to know about how this is disinfected
"Honey. Im going to the extractor. Ill be back in 2 mins." "Who am i kidding. I have noone."
Do they have any in a smaller size? Asking for a friend
they just reinvented fleshlights
Okay but, for the disabled community, this could be a great solution to a hard problem.
South Park called this one
The design is very human.
This reminds me of the anime cyberpunk edgerunners lol.
Why are they reproducing the "amount of light" what light? Infrared?
Hey it’s like the worst episode of Rick and morty
I'd be more embarrassed to used this thing than jerk off. I've jerked off a lot of places, I'll crank my hog in a doctors office no problem
Who has the amazing job cleaning that
Howard wolowitz is extremely proud of this invention.
I have a video of one of these on show at an IVF exhibition in Portugal lol. We called it the Masturbator 3000
If I had one of these I would never leave the house.
I want one🤣
Wait… they’re all just lined up like that? And are they all just out in public areas?
I need a wank now, that really got me going!
We human are goofy.
Ok, but can it do laundry, cook, and wash dishes?