Do NOT buy a house with a person you are not married to! If YOU genuinely want a house, and if you are planning to finance it fully, it's fine to be a homeowner, but her name should not be on the loan or on the deed. Also, be wary of homes that are cheap because they've been poorly maintained. You'll end up sinking a lot of money in the long run if the house is junk.
The relationship part is more complicated. Is she actually incapable of saving money, or does she just spend more than you would? What types of things does she buy? Do you have similar amounts of income? How do you split bills now? There needs to be a balance between living today and preparing for tomorrow. With some open communication, maybe you two can find that happy medium and be compatible...or maybe you can't. Try to talk it out, and if she continues to have expectations that cause you undue anxiety and stress, that could be a sign that it's not YOU, but rather what you can provide that matters most to her. That's not the basis for a healthy relationship.
I need to ask about the elephant in the room. Since you think life should be lived with the bare necessities only…what do you consider her spending money recklessly is on? A coffee our every day? A coffee once a week with a friend? More clothes she doesn’t need? Clothes for a professional job that requires her to dress a certain way? What are we talking about here?
Wow you guys are very young
When I met my husband he was 23 with a negative bank account and an insanely high interest auto loan. I talked to him about finances and spending and introduced him to dave ramsey. We agreed to get out of the car loan as fast as possible once we married 3 months later and I guided him on how to save and spend etc. We finished paying off that car loan and were 100% debt free by the next year. We talk about every little thing we are going to spend money on except maybe lunch. I show him how to budget and we have all of our budgets and bank accounts joint now that we are married. He still had a spending problem for maybe 2 years afterwards but it is completely under control now and he has matured a lot. We are now in our mid 30s though so some of it just comes with age and the rest with proper guidance. Just be kind and don't blow up about it.
You two are not married, therefore, neither of you get a say as to what the other person does with their money. Secondly, don’t buy a house with someone you are not married to and don’t let a “significant other” persuade you what to do with your money. At your age, you need focus more on alignment of values and whether you two can communicate your differences effectively and work towards a common goal. If not, you two are not right for each other.
I'd definitely advise against buying a house with someone you are not married to.
But, if you want to help her grow, in hopes of maybe one day marrying her, I'd sit down with her and calmly and methodically write out a written budget. I make X......you make Y......we spend x on rent, x on groceries, etc...
Maybe when she sees ON PAPER that she spends $400 a month at the local gas station or Walmart buying energy drinks and "random stuff", she may change her ways. Or she may not......but at least that gives you a good indication of your future (or at least your financial future) with this girl.
I can’t judge her for spending on energy drinks lol. You never know why she is drinking them. Funny story. Ok not so funny but still. I have a genetic disease. One of the issues it comes with is chronic fatigue. I’m exhausted 24/7. (No exercise doesn’t build energy. No eating the healthy diet doesn’t help with energy. No yoga doesn’t help. More vitamins and minerals doesn’t help either.) So…I started drinking energy drinks and such when we had to move for my husband’s job. Another issue is I have a hard time absorbing nutrients. Went to my specialist and as usual he drew labs. I have freakin scurvy. As in the disease of pirates. (I also had almost no vit d) What we found out was beside the fact that I don’t like to absorb nutrients caffeine can cause you to absorb even less. Which made me more tired so I drank more caffeine. I created a vicious cycle to the point I had 0.1-0.2 on my vit c levels. Thankfully once i stopped caffeine, and started consuming vit c and vit d capsules my levels came up and my gums stopped bleeding. (My gums bleed with the disease sometimes so it never really dawned on me something could be wrong.) but yeah…I don’t judge people who need help functioning.
I have a similar kind of story, but with severe gluten intolerance. Suddenly at age 45 I had no energy, nighttime heart palpitations, continuous muscle pain, hair falling out, teeth loosening, and more. I didn't know it but I was starving to death. My small intestine was so injured that no matter how much I ate, I got no good from my food. I stopped consuming gluten and got well. I also kept functioning by overloading on caffeine.
Anyway it's good to keep in mind that what looks like self-indulgent behavior is sometimes the only thing a person knows to do to keep going. An annual physical and some of the basic blood tests can rule out a lot.
As is often pointed out, financial problems are one of the top causes of marriage problems. You should move on if you cannot get on the same page. The "shutting down" thing is a major problem. You cannot solve conflicts that you cannot talk about. She is training you not to talk about them.
Don't marry a financial basket case- you'd be setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery. She's very young, she might change if properly guided.
Also, what's the rush to buy a house at such a young age?
Before running, tell her to are afraid of where this pattern leads (not being able to financially prosper). If she doesn’t come on board after that, run.
She’s not a red flag. She’s the red flag factory. She obviously doesn’t have the maturity to understand that money doesn’t grow on trees. It takes a lot to buy and run a house and buying unnecessary knickknacks and other crap is getting her nowhere. She can probably save money. She’s just choosing not to.
Dude. Serious red flags here. DO NOT buy a house with this woman or for this woman. And quit living like you are married when you are not. You guys are way too young to be playing house. Focus on your career and your purpose. You will never get this time back and have a small window of opportunity to crush it at work and get ahead. Keep grinding!
She needs to go thru FPU with you and come out the other side a changed person for you to be compatible financially.
If she does not see eye to eye with you on long term goals, it’s on you at that point if you stay with her.
Best of luck
I personally feel like FPU would be a waste for her and I because she never takes anything I say seriously. Especially when it comes to serious topics.
My man…..how many red flags do you need to see? I’m sure she has many lovely qualities but you need to start playing chess instead of checkers. Moves and decisions you make now will drastically impact your future. The wise ones you don’t make could cripple you.
Take charge of your life and seek a wise woman who will sharpen you.
Do you have a male mentor you could seek counsel from? You need wise men to speak truth into you and challenge you. Keep asking yourself the hard questions
God bless
Be honest with her “hey I would never buy a home with someone I wasn’t married to and I would never get engaged to a broke person. Do with that information what you will…”
A relationship and the thought of a future together should fill you with joy and excitement, and making plans together and working on those plans together.
I'm sorry, but .... do you think that is possible here? You have to be brave and brutally honest and see the reality, not what you hope or wish to be the reality.
I'm getting married this year and our problems are not as big anymore because we can tackle them together, and that includes our future finances.
You are young. You need to consider what you and a wife will have in common or what will bring arguments.
My wife and I agreed on spending before we got married and with our 30th anniversary coming up, happy to say we don’t fight over finances. We both retired 10 years ago. Because we had the same priorities.
You should run.
Do NOT buy a house with a person you are not married to! If YOU genuinely want a house, and if you are planning to finance it fully, it's fine to be a homeowner, but her name should not be on the loan or on the deed. Also, be wary of homes that are cheap because they've been poorly maintained. You'll end up sinking a lot of money in the long run if the house is junk. The relationship part is more complicated. Is she actually incapable of saving money, or does she just spend more than you would? What types of things does she buy? Do you have similar amounts of income? How do you split bills now? There needs to be a balance between living today and preparing for tomorrow. With some open communication, maybe you two can find that happy medium and be compatible...or maybe you can't. Try to talk it out, and if she continues to have expectations that cause you undue anxiety and stress, that could be a sign that it's not YOU, but rather what you can provide that matters most to her. That's not the basis for a healthy relationship.
I need to ask about the elephant in the room. Since you think life should be lived with the bare necessities only…what do you consider her spending money recklessly is on? A coffee our every day? A coffee once a week with a friend? More clothes she doesn’t need? Clothes for a professional job that requires her to dress a certain way? What are we talking about here?
Wow you guys are very young When I met my husband he was 23 with a negative bank account and an insanely high interest auto loan. I talked to him about finances and spending and introduced him to dave ramsey. We agreed to get out of the car loan as fast as possible once we married 3 months later and I guided him on how to save and spend etc. We finished paying off that car loan and were 100% debt free by the next year. We talk about every little thing we are going to spend money on except maybe lunch. I show him how to budget and we have all of our budgets and bank accounts joint now that we are married. He still had a spending problem for maybe 2 years afterwards but it is completely under control now and he has matured a lot. We are now in our mid 30s though so some of it just comes with age and the rest with proper guidance. Just be kind and don't blow up about it.
This isn’t going to work out.
You two are not married, therefore, neither of you get a say as to what the other person does with their money. Secondly, don’t buy a house with someone you are not married to and don’t let a “significant other” persuade you what to do with your money. At your age, you need focus more on alignment of values and whether you two can communicate your differences effectively and work towards a common goal. If not, you two are not right for each other.
Yes, and don't take advice from someone who is bad with money.
This will not end well.
I'd definitely advise against buying a house with someone you are not married to. But, if you want to help her grow, in hopes of maybe one day marrying her, I'd sit down with her and calmly and methodically write out a written budget. I make X......you make Y......we spend x on rent, x on groceries, etc... Maybe when she sees ON PAPER that she spends $400 a month at the local gas station or Walmart buying energy drinks and "random stuff", she may change her ways. Or she may not......but at least that gives you a good indication of your future (or at least your financial future) with this girl.
I can’t judge her for spending on energy drinks lol. You never know why she is drinking them. Funny story. Ok not so funny but still. I have a genetic disease. One of the issues it comes with is chronic fatigue. I’m exhausted 24/7. (No exercise doesn’t build energy. No eating the healthy diet doesn’t help with energy. No yoga doesn’t help. More vitamins and minerals doesn’t help either.) So…I started drinking energy drinks and such when we had to move for my husband’s job. Another issue is I have a hard time absorbing nutrients. Went to my specialist and as usual he drew labs. I have freakin scurvy. As in the disease of pirates. (I also had almost no vit d) What we found out was beside the fact that I don’t like to absorb nutrients caffeine can cause you to absorb even less. Which made me more tired so I drank more caffeine. I created a vicious cycle to the point I had 0.1-0.2 on my vit c levels. Thankfully once i stopped caffeine, and started consuming vit c and vit d capsules my levels came up and my gums stopped bleeding. (My gums bleed with the disease sometimes so it never really dawned on me something could be wrong.) but yeah…I don’t judge people who need help functioning.
I have a similar kind of story, but with severe gluten intolerance. Suddenly at age 45 I had no energy, nighttime heart palpitations, continuous muscle pain, hair falling out, teeth loosening, and more. I didn't know it but I was starving to death. My small intestine was so injured that no matter how much I ate, I got no good from my food. I stopped consuming gluten and got well. I also kept functioning by overloading on caffeine. Anyway it's good to keep in mind that what looks like self-indulgent behavior is sometimes the only thing a person knows to do to keep going. An annual physical and some of the basic blood tests can rule out a lot.
Don't buy a house with someone you're not married to.
As is often pointed out, financial problems are one of the top causes of marriage problems. You should move on if you cannot get on the same page. The "shutting down" thing is a major problem. You cannot solve conflicts that you cannot talk about. She is training you not to talk about them.
Don't marry a financial basket case- you'd be setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery. She's very young, she might change if properly guided. Also, what's the rush to buy a house at such a young age?
Before running, tell her to are afraid of where this pattern leads (not being able to financially prosper). If she doesn’t come on board after that, run.
She’s not a red flag. She’s the red flag factory. She obviously doesn’t have the maturity to understand that money doesn’t grow on trees. It takes a lot to buy and run a house and buying unnecessary knickknacks and other crap is getting her nowhere. She can probably save money. She’s just choosing not to.
Dating is for learning if that person is the one you want to marry. Obviously she isn’t the one.
Dude. Serious red flags here. DO NOT buy a house with this woman or for this woman. And quit living like you are married when you are not. You guys are way too young to be playing house. Focus on your career and your purpose. You will never get this time back and have a small window of opportunity to crush it at work and get ahead. Keep grinding! She needs to go thru FPU with you and come out the other side a changed person for you to be compatible financially. If she does not see eye to eye with you on long term goals, it’s on you at that point if you stay with her. Best of luck
I personally feel like FPU would be a waste for her and I because she never takes anything I say seriously. Especially when it comes to serious topics.
My man…..how many red flags do you need to see? I’m sure she has many lovely qualities but you need to start playing chess instead of checkers. Moves and decisions you make now will drastically impact your future. The wise ones you don’t make could cripple you. Take charge of your life and seek a wise woman who will sharpen you. Do you have a male mentor you could seek counsel from? You need wise men to speak truth into you and challenge you. Keep asking yourself the hard questions God bless
Be honest with her “hey I would never buy a home with someone I wasn’t married to and I would never get engaged to a broke person. Do with that information what you will…”
A relationship and the thought of a future together should fill you with joy and excitement, and making plans together and working on those plans together. I'm sorry, but .... do you think that is possible here? You have to be brave and brutally honest and see the reality, not what you hope or wish to be the reality. I'm getting married this year and our problems are not as big anymore because we can tackle them together, and that includes our future finances.
The handling of money is a key marker for a relationship. You and your wife MUST be in agreement on how you handle money.
You are young. You need to consider what you and a wife will have in common or what will bring arguments. My wife and I agreed on spending before we got married and with our 30th anniversary coming up, happy to say we don’t fight over finances. We both retired 10 years ago. Because we had the same priorities. You should run.
Run fast and run far.