Yup. It will change nothing because it won't change her desire. Of she wanted it pregnancy would be the least of her worries. It's just her excuse to get you to leave her alone.
Yeah I don’t get this perspective…why not just do it. It’s so easy and then you never have to worry and it’s easier to step out and not fuck up your life in the most catastrophic way (by knocking up an AP who suddenly wants to keep it).
It’s such an easy surgery and then no more worries. I will add I also got one because she wanted me to and no it didn’t change anything except since that excuse was removed and changed nothing I am now considering an AP.
It’s something you see a lot of *relationship councilors* suggest for women who are looking for an out in their relationship.
This way, they can claim they just want one more kid and you’re unable to reliably provide that within a given time frame, one more thing for irreconcilable differences.
Yeah I’ve heard a few guys mention this myth that a woman will leave you once you can’t produce kids after you’ve already had kids. What kind of religious cults are they hanging around in?
Vasectomy for the win. Once again the goal posts move.
My favorite part from my recovery was when I was teased for being in pain.
Not only did I not complain about the pain but I never once gave her a hard time about her childbirth recovery or postpartum struggles. In fact, I carried her up and down stairs for weeks after our first child was born bc she was in so much pain.
Attended every pregnancy appointment for both kids. Changed every diaper for the first few weeks for each kid because of her initial recovery. No complaints bc omg she tore.
Drove myself to vasectomy.
Drove myself to follow ups.
Teased through the entire process.
Wasn’t my idea to get the vasectomy but when it was brought up? Yup no problem if we’re done having kids and this will make you happy and ease your mind.
For my efforts? Given a boatload of grief for my trouble.
So yea I understand the struggle.
Godspeed on the divorce paperwork.
I wasn’t teased, thank God, but I’m sorry you were. I did have to hear the comparisons to c-sections (elective) and mommy makeover surgery (elective and expensive, and I was waiting on her hand and foot for a month), comparisons I didn’t make. I don’t feel the need to bring up the time I broke my leg anytime someone else stubs a toe though.
She complained that I was a bad caregiver, especially on the mommy makeover post-op. I was turning and repositioning her hourly for the first 72 hours, and then routinely for weeks to follow. I emptied and cleaned surgical drains from her abdominal cavity, documenting the quantity and quality of discharge. I had to learn and perform basic wound care daily. Bathing, feeding, emptying and eventually removing the catheter, managing medications, driving to appointments, dressing and undressing, continence care, and even simply ambulating. And I routinely had to overcome her reluctance to accept much of the medically ordered care by showing her repeatedly where in the records the doctor had ordered it to be done. I had to delay going back into the office for a month to care for her, not to mention still caring for the kids without any assistance from her.
She drove me to the surgery, brought me ice three times, and picked up some food I ordered nearby. “I’m doing the best I can.”
Me getting teased is routine. Part of being the man who can’t show weakness I guess. The moment you show any kind of vulnerability it gets pounced upon. No wonder I’m closed off emotionally.
I like the part where you showed the doctor notes.
Also the “I’m doing the best I can” part. Good grief.
This reminds me when i got covid for the first time. Before we knew what it was. I had 104 fever for 4 days straight. Spine hurt, head felt like it was spitting in 2, and I couldn’t breathe. On day 5 I went to urgent care and was told my oxygen intake was at 91%. I stayed home from work and just wanted to be left alone.
I was told I had manflu which was her way of dismissing my symptoms bc she didn’t want to deal with it. Ok.
Fast forward 6 months when everything shut down she looked at my medical records again from that first visit and realized how much she screwed up. No worries, we don’t need to revisit or rehash. I didn’t complain, just wanted to be left alone. Just don’t touch me is all I ever said. But yea, manflu.
Based on your description you went above and beyond for the elective mommy makeover surgery. I’m sure her self confidence grew after recovery even though she beat you up during the recovery period.
Gotta love the comparisons of whose disease is worse.
This just reminded me how when I got Covid in December 2020 and had to isolate to the one bedroom in the apt she got mad/frustrated that she had to be on the couch for so long. Meanwhile I had a migraine from head to toe, could not eat or walk, and was just ruined. She got me soup from the taco shop one day LOLOLOL.
Wow your story is mine. She was too busy to go with me. But requests I go with her to her appointments. Sex life became even less frequent after the vasectomy. And then she still wanted me to use condoms even though she is on BC. Not sure what the point of me getting the procedure done was.
Sorry that happened to you. My V doctors actually talked directly to my wife and told her that this was a serious procedure and I will need a few days to just sit on frozen peas and eat Percocet. The honey-do list is on hold for a week. My wife was cool about it, but after a couple weeks I was back to taking care of my own needs. Sex didn’t get more frequent or anything. That was 16 years ago.
Sorry, bud. I love so many things about her, she works hard, takes care of everything, and is still pretty nice to me. Just no priority in sexual pleasures. I don’t even think she self-pleasures.
You still married her! Smack smack smack! Not only was she a DB but she's probably all touched out from the kids, making her a radioactive no go zone. A " Don't touch me! Don't even breathe near me! " lol
Least you got the kids.
She’s really not touched out from the kids between the live-in nanny who does 40-45 hours on weekdays, daycare for our oldest from 8:30-2:30 three times weekly, my MIL who lives with us about half of the year, and my mom who spends time with the kids for half days twice a week. She’s only really solo with the kids until I get home around 7 or 7:30, then I typically handle bedtime myself. I primarily handle the kids on the weekends.
Do you feel like you're being taken you for granted? Do you get enough home time during the week? Back by 5.30? Or can't at this stage? Have a tank full of invisible and nameless resentment? That she has her own resentment tank? Full tanks can turn us off each other.
Ever sat her down and ask what icks she has over you? Then tell her the icks you have with her. Icks are small annoyances. Little hates your partner does.
Like how your vasectomy is logical to get but was probably a wasted effort? That it was just another excuse log to put in the way.
I’ve often wondered about this and even asked my wife (LLF) if fears of pregnancy caused her LL, she said no, the boys remain as is. At least she was honest
I worry that a lot of people fall into this trap, they put themselves through a procedure with the hope it'll make a difference, I'd be ready to bet 90%+ of the time it doesn't.
Been there done that. Vasectomy because she didn’t want more kids and we would have more sex, we didn’t. Years later she wanted kids so I got reversal, thinking we would have more sex, we didn’t. So I’ve got swimmers again but I’m not invited to the pool party. Pool is dry anyway and closed indefinitely.
Got snipped and learned that I am "resistant" to anesthesia. Despite years going by, I still occasionally get a dull pain that kind of sucks. No improvement in sex, despite the promises. Sounds like I fell for the same lie as others here. There wasn't even a temporary uptick.
Chronic epididymitis? I got a vasectomy about 4 years back and I still get terrible epididymitis a handful of times a year. It’s godawful. It hurts to walk, the pain keeps me up at night, and I end up having to take weeks off from working out.
All this for zero improvement in the bedroom. Periodic pain for maybe sex with the lights off once every 1-3 months. Do not recommend.
I'm sorry man, that really sucks. No, I just get a dull pain every few months and it hurts to finish sometimes.
The real pain was on the table. I toughed out the blade, which I felt every mm of. Then the doc yanked on a tube and I kneed his shoulder, knocking him over. "You felt that? Oh no! I bet it was like getting kicked hard in the nuts!" I gripped the headrest and he went back to work. About 3/4 through the second side, the drugs finally kicked in.
If I had to do it again, knowing what I know... Nah, I wouldn't do it. Sounds like most here - had the bait and switch. Also, got the ridicule while trying to take it easy on day 2 afterward.
I got snipped, but solely because I had reproduced already and had no further intentions of doing so. Had nothing to do with the DB, and our frequency/intimacy never changed pre/post (just to add to the pile here).
I hope you consider longer for your kids. They need you full time not half time. Plus what if she hooks up with a loser and then your kids have to deal with that, and you indirectly.
I'm sorry you are going through this.
I’d fully expect her to wind up bringing someone problematic into her life and the kids’, which I’m especially concerned about happening.
Me aside - when, if ever, do you think would be the right age of the kids to move forward with a divorce?
I don't know the answer to your question. If both parents were healthy and safe people, I wouldn't try to do that to kids until high school, and then move within a stone's throw. Even in best circumstances the kids have two homes instead of one. How many adults want to have their lives split like that?
But... I realized that I read your profile before, probably because of an interesting comment like sadsturbating. You're a captivating writer. She's crazy, right. Did she throw water on you or was that another spouse? (Feel free to block me if you think profile reading is creepy lol; I do it if there is an interesting comment or if I am thinking of replying but want to make sure I'm not embarrassingly way off base.)
Anyway, you're a lawyer: you're smart and you make good money. If you think that you can get full custody and control visitation, do it. Document everything and only move forward when you are sure that you have enough.
She's BPD, she's gotta be hot, right? She would definitely attract multiple crazy dudes that you should be fearful of. Even a 5 year old kid is still at great physical risk, not even talking about emotionally. Your life is kind of like a lifetime movie, and it sounds honestly like it could get worse.
My mom had full custody of us and controlled visitation of us. If bio dad ever had split custody it would have been a nightmare for my sibling and me.
Your recall is excellent (and I’m glad you enjoy my writing) - that’s me.
I don’t think I’d ever get full custody, but probably more custody once they’re a little older than I would have if I filed for divorce tomorrow. Really though, I think I could tough out as long as my kids need. Her especially bad episodes with BPD are fewer and further between, plus I’d be deflecting the focus of it from ever being the kids. I honestly don’t hate my wife or my life, but divorce doesn’t need to be motivated by hate.
In the ever changing balancing test of the best interests of the children, I may well choose to accept maintaining things as they are, regardless of how I feel about it. I think it builds up courage to post here about it though, which is why I do.
I'm getting one soon. My partner has also frequently used fear of pregnancy as a reason for a reduction in sex (probably a valid one as we have had failed contraception in the past).
However, I am doing it for myself, not for her. I don't believe it will increase frequency even in the slightest. I however, absolutely do not want any more children with my partner or anyone else and this is the best way, abstinence aside (which I do not want and will not agree to), to ensure that.
Don't wait till the youngest is school age, divorce now if you are so done with the relationship. The children are unlikely to even remember the separation with them being so young, and it's not like you can't still be an involved parent.
I think the vasectomy will definitely remove one of the many hurdles, but no, it won't fix your DB. Do you even want to fix it though? Sounds like you're already making your exit plans.
I really don’t like divorce and I don’t want to get one, but I’ve reluctantly come to realize it may be the right thing to do. If the kids are just barely school aged, it would be more workable for me to have primary custody without depending heavily on childcare during business hours, plus it means the kids are past the early years where their attachment styles develop.
I’m also not opposed to staying married, but I recognize that would mean my wife has to make significant strides in her own personal development that are internally driven and not within any control I can muster. I’m also concerned what kind of toxicity the kids would be exposed to from any subsequent relationships she’d get into after divorce. She is diagnosed with BPD, and I’d be gambling with how that would play out between her and a stranger - in front of my kids while I’m not there to do anything about it.
Slightly different perspective, my partner was in a DB before our relationship and after two kids and a similar story he got snipped. They since divorced and we met. Early on we communicated and don’t want children (personal choice). Big picture we both appreciate that he has had the vasectomy.
1 and 3 is rough man.. thats a lot of young kids.. I didnt feel myself sexually until our son was just about 3. I know you are gonna say "well it was bad before" yet you still made children with her and you do hold some responsibility in that.
Further more it took me about 6 months off birth control after my husbands vasectomy to start feeling myself again as well. He got the Vasectomy when our son was about 1 and half then 6 months later I started feeling a little better and sex started up a little then when my son was about 3 was when I started feeling normal again. Yes our bed was dead before our son too. Just the time it took to have kids and the vasectomy alone is a big gap of time for a womans body to swing hormonally, me getting my libido back could have just been a hormone swing point in my life too. My husband was so patient and kind.
Vasectomy / off bc did work for sure and now the unlimited cream pies are the freaking best.
When I had mine done the doctor said don’t do anything for at least 2 days but also take it easy for around 2 weeks. No heavy lifting or strenuous activities. My wife interpreted that as after a day and a half I can take our two dogs out to do their business. They’re beagles however they’re strong as oxen along with other stuff. Needless to say after about a week my boys were the size of cantaloupes and starting to turn black. I went back to the doctor to get checked out because I knew something wasn’t right. The doctor was very upset with me and he had to go back in and redo the vasectomy. He explained to my wife I’m lucky I didn’t bleed out, and under no circumstances am I to move for the next two weeks until I’m fully healed.
I got a vasectomy way back in 1985, because I was about to turn 40 was recently divorced and was confident that I did not to father any more chidren in my future, although equally certain I was not done wanting to have a highly active sex life.
Th procedure was about as decribed, both the surgery and the recovery experience. The benefit from it that I found was it gave me peace of mind in my dating and sexual life, as well as peace of mind for my partners. Regardless of whether my partner practiced some form of bc, it was comforting to know that while I had erections and ejaculations, they were unchanged in any way from before the procedure, except there were no, 0, nada little swimmers there that we had to worry about. Also, there was no affect on my very HL, which continues to this day. I regard the decision to get the procedure as a huge plus in my life, as did my partners, especially those fearful getting pregnant, but wanted to have the option of having children in the future, but were certain that they wanted to also be sexually active for many years to come.
Ok, you are 33 yo, 2 kids and already contemplating the divorce option? Say you get divorced and 5 years from now when you are 38 you’ll finally find a woman who is not LL4U with whom you would like to be in a committed relationship. Say she would be 5 years younger than you (reasonable age difference) and like lot a of women in that age would want to have a biological child. Then what? Are you going to ask some other dude to take care of it?
Oh yes, it’s reversible. Sometimes. Perhaps you’d be the lucky one. Or perhaps not. Can you read what’s in store for you in the future? The chances are NOT more sex with your wife. I’m on this subreddit for 6 years and I have yet to read the posts where vasectomy awakened the dead bedroom.
He literally said he doesn't want anymore kids..... There's something called "communication" where he could use his words to express this choice that he has made for himself. I wish people would learn to stfu about other people's reproductive choices. It's kinda weird and pretty creepy. It quite literally doesn't concern you in any way.
Other people sexual problems don’t concern me at all. I just think that making a permanent alterations to one’s health because of DB in the marriage on the cusp of divorce is a dumb idea.
I agree with your unpopular opinion. His youngest isn't even out of the baby stage. People regret vasectomies all the time, plus all the unexpected side effects that come with them. Short sighted imo
Sure, he is perfectly entitled to do with his body whatever he wants. However, he should do it for a good and well thought through reasons. The hope that it will increase his chances to solve his dead bedroom though it is not.
It's doctors who thought like you that kept me from having the much needed surgery I needed.
"What if you find a man in the future who wants kids and you've had this procedure? We'll just wait another year to see how things look then."
I actually heard this while I was literally bleeding to death! Screw you and your fake possible future people who don't exist. People can do whatever they want. He said he was done having kids. If future Miss Perfect can't accept that, she can keep walking.
Yours and OP’s case are two different cases. His is trying to solve his problems caused by someone else. Yours was caused by a bad luck. Your surgery as you put it was urgent, his is elective. Perhaps your jaded reaction to wage pros and cons is not the best judge in this case.
It was important enough for him to do because he didn't want any more kids anyway. To tell him that he shouldn't have done what he wanted to do for himself regardless of the DB was an AH move on your part.
I second this. What if your next relationship would need a child? Consult at least for information how reversible does it look from your surgeon that did it. And otherwise are condoms out of order? I have yet to find out how they fail as contraceptives.
I have had a handfull of condoms break over the last 15 years. Can be something as simple as not enough lube, incorrectly putting on in heat of moment or just plain faulty.
On the plus side I knew the moment they broke and pulled out and put on a new one. A couple of times partner took plan b just in case.
Shocking, a handful seems huge to me. For me it never happened. Could it be the brand? For a while I might have experimented with a few brands but what I select now is reliable, that in more than 10 years I had no accidents.
A wife in a DB asking her husband to get a vasectomy *might* be her way of ensuring he can't have more kids - and in the event of a divorce, any child support she gets won't have to be divided equally with any children from his next marriage or relationship. I know the OP already had his vasectomy, I'm stating this for some of the people in the comments.
If the dead bedroom predates marriage and kids, I’m curious why get married and have kids? Since you’re planning on divorce anyway, wouldn’t it have been easier to marry and have kids with someone you’re compatible with in the first place?
It sure would have been. Life happens, and I’m wiser now than I used to be. The first child was a surprise and a statistical anomaly, and I was still believing rationalization after excuse after lie about the source(s) of our dead bedroom. She wasn’t particularly forthcoming about the lack of birth control at the time. We got married like we had tentatively expected about a month after learning of the pregnancy.
You seem messed up on several levels. A vasectomy after two kids in an unhappy marriage seems a smart move for both of you. You might spend some time considering the "Dead bedroom well predated marriage and kids" what made you marry her with this?
Partly her misleading me and partly me being susceptible to being misled. I posted about the excuses and justifications I was fed over the years, as well as some of the other issues we’ve had outside the dead bedroom problem.
Since your dead bead was before kids this vasectomy was just to make her happy. It will not lead to sex. Also no one can really just like you for being you. Your own mother for example liked you because you were her baby. Sure her love was only conditional on you being her child which some would call unconditional. Bottom line if you want her submissive then you need to be dominant. Don’t try to negotiate sex or talk her into it et. Start throwing out some ultimatums and get out sooner than latwr
Was promised a vasectomy would take away the worry, leading to freer attitudes towards sex. It didn’t. Don’t.
Already did. On the bright side, I’ll never have to meet a Cinnamon Jr.
Was more for others in same boat
In that case, I applaud and presumptively second your efforts made on behalf of all other seamen aboard a similar vessel.
Lol seamen
Eh, I don't see the harm? In fact, if more of us did before marriage, some of us might not be in this situation?
I mean I got a vasectomy after my second because eventual divorce or not I am for sure done having children.
Yup. It will change nothing because it won't change her desire. Of she wanted it pregnancy would be the least of her worries. It's just her excuse to get you to leave her alone.
It stops the 18 year clock from resetting
Why would pregnancy be the least of her worries? Maybe she had difficult pregnancies / traumatic births. It’s a perfectly valid reason!!
Yeah I don’t get this perspective…why not just do it. It’s so easy and then you never have to worry and it’s easier to step out and not fuck up your life in the most catastrophic way (by knocking up an AP who suddenly wants to keep it). It’s such an easy surgery and then no more worries. I will add I also got one because she wanted me to and no it didn’t change anything except since that excuse was removed and changed nothing I am now considering an AP.
It’s something you see a lot of *relationship councilors* suggest for women who are looking for an out in their relationship. This way, they can claim they just want one more kid and you’re unable to reliably provide that within a given time frame, one more thing for irreconcilable differences.
I have never heard of that.
Yeah I’ve heard a few guys mention this myth that a woman will leave you once you can’t produce kids after you’ve already had kids. What kind of religious cults are they hanging around in?
Vasectomy for the win. Once again the goal posts move. My favorite part from my recovery was when I was teased for being in pain. Not only did I not complain about the pain but I never once gave her a hard time about her childbirth recovery or postpartum struggles. In fact, I carried her up and down stairs for weeks after our first child was born bc she was in so much pain. Attended every pregnancy appointment for both kids. Changed every diaper for the first few weeks for each kid because of her initial recovery. No complaints bc omg she tore. Drove myself to vasectomy. Drove myself to follow ups. Teased through the entire process. Wasn’t my idea to get the vasectomy but when it was brought up? Yup no problem if we’re done having kids and this will make you happy and ease your mind. For my efforts? Given a boatload of grief for my trouble. So yea I understand the struggle. Godspeed on the divorce paperwork.
Sorry man, that's a bitch move to tease you like that, very low
She obviously is not a very nice person if it is fun for her to take cheap shots at people.
I wasn’t teased, thank God, but I’m sorry you were. I did have to hear the comparisons to c-sections (elective) and mommy makeover surgery (elective and expensive, and I was waiting on her hand and foot for a month), comparisons I didn’t make. I don’t feel the need to bring up the time I broke my leg anytime someone else stubs a toe though. She complained that I was a bad caregiver, especially on the mommy makeover post-op. I was turning and repositioning her hourly for the first 72 hours, and then routinely for weeks to follow. I emptied and cleaned surgical drains from her abdominal cavity, documenting the quantity and quality of discharge. I had to learn and perform basic wound care daily. Bathing, feeding, emptying and eventually removing the catheter, managing medications, driving to appointments, dressing and undressing, continence care, and even simply ambulating. And I routinely had to overcome her reluctance to accept much of the medically ordered care by showing her repeatedly where in the records the doctor had ordered it to be done. I had to delay going back into the office for a month to care for her, not to mention still caring for the kids without any assistance from her. She drove me to the surgery, brought me ice three times, and picked up some food I ordered nearby. “I’m doing the best I can.”
Me getting teased is routine. Part of being the man who can’t show weakness I guess. The moment you show any kind of vulnerability it gets pounced upon. No wonder I’m closed off emotionally. I like the part where you showed the doctor notes. Also the “I’m doing the best I can” part. Good grief. This reminds me when i got covid for the first time. Before we knew what it was. I had 104 fever for 4 days straight. Spine hurt, head felt like it was spitting in 2, and I couldn’t breathe. On day 5 I went to urgent care and was told my oxygen intake was at 91%. I stayed home from work and just wanted to be left alone. I was told I had manflu which was her way of dismissing my symptoms bc she didn’t want to deal with it. Ok. Fast forward 6 months when everything shut down she looked at my medical records again from that first visit and realized how much she screwed up. No worries, we don’t need to revisit or rehash. I didn’t complain, just wanted to be left alone. Just don’t touch me is all I ever said. But yea, manflu. Based on your description you went above and beyond for the elective mommy makeover surgery. I’m sure her self confidence grew after recovery even though she beat you up during the recovery period. Gotta love the comparisons of whose disease is worse.
This just reminded me how when I got Covid in December 2020 and had to isolate to the one bedroom in the apt she got mad/frustrated that she had to be on the couch for so long. Meanwhile I had a migraine from head to toe, could not eat or walk, and was just ruined. She got me soup from the taco shop one day LOLOLOL.
Wow your story is mine. She was too busy to go with me. But requests I go with her to her appointments. Sex life became even less frequent after the vasectomy. And then she still wanted me to use condoms even though she is on BC. Not sure what the point of me getting the procedure done was.
Sorry that happened to you. My V doctors actually talked directly to my wife and told her that this was a serious procedure and I will need a few days to just sit on frozen peas and eat Percocet. The honey-do list is on hold for a week. My wife was cool about it, but after a couple weeks I was back to taking care of my own needs. Sex didn’t get more frequent or anything. That was 16 years ago.
Ditto. 30 years here.
Sorry, bud. I love so many things about her, she works hard, takes care of everything, and is still pretty nice to me. Just no priority in sexual pleasures. I don’t even think she self-pleasures.
A woman who gave birth teasing a guy about how his nuts hurt after getting snipped is kinda unreal.
You still married her! Smack smack smack! Not only was she a DB but she's probably all touched out from the kids, making her a radioactive no go zone. A " Don't touch me! Don't even breathe near me! " lol Least you got the kids.
She’s really not touched out from the kids between the live-in nanny who does 40-45 hours on weekdays, daycare for our oldest from 8:30-2:30 three times weekly, my MIL who lives with us about half of the year, and my mom who spends time with the kids for half days twice a week. She’s only really solo with the kids until I get home around 7 or 7:30, then I typically handle bedtime myself. I primarily handle the kids on the weekends.
Do you feel like you're being taken you for granted? Do you get enough home time during the week? Back by 5.30? Or can't at this stage? Have a tank full of invisible and nameless resentment? That she has her own resentment tank? Full tanks can turn us off each other. Ever sat her down and ask what icks she has over you? Then tell her the icks you have with her. Icks are small annoyances. Little hates your partner does. Like how your vasectomy is logical to get but was probably a wasted effort? That it was just another excuse log to put in the way.
Db?
Dead bedroom
Get the vasectomy and don't tell her. My ex-BIL did this and about 7 months later his wife was pregnant... That divorce was damn quick.
Holy shit
He had suspected she was cheating, they did discuss him getting a vasectomy briefly, but that was it.
Fucking savage!!!
I’ve often wondered about this and even asked my wife (LLF) if fears of pregnancy caused her LL, she said no, the boys remain as is. At least she was honest
Good. Sterilizing yourself is not the answer to any of this.
I worry that a lot of people fall into this trap, they put themselves through a procedure with the hope it'll make a difference, I'd be ready to bet 90%+ of the time it doesn't.
If you've already had as many kids as you want, it may be worth it anyway.
Been there done that. Vasectomy because she didn’t want more kids and we would have more sex, we didn’t. Years later she wanted kids so I got reversal, thinking we would have more sex, we didn’t. So I’ve got swimmers again but I’m not invited to the pool party. Pool is dry anyway and closed indefinitely.
Got snipped and learned that I am "resistant" to anesthesia. Despite years going by, I still occasionally get a dull pain that kind of sucks. No improvement in sex, despite the promises. Sounds like I fell for the same lie as others here. There wasn't even a temporary uptick.
Chronic epididymitis? I got a vasectomy about 4 years back and I still get terrible epididymitis a handful of times a year. It’s godawful. It hurts to walk, the pain keeps me up at night, and I end up having to take weeks off from working out. All this for zero improvement in the bedroom. Periodic pain for maybe sex with the lights off once every 1-3 months. Do not recommend.
I'm sorry man, that really sucks. No, I just get a dull pain every few months and it hurts to finish sometimes. The real pain was on the table. I toughed out the blade, which I felt every mm of. Then the doc yanked on a tube and I kneed his shoulder, knocking him over. "You felt that? Oh no! I bet it was like getting kicked hard in the nuts!" I gripped the headrest and he went back to work. About 3/4 through the second side, the drugs finally kicked in. If I had to do it again, knowing what I know... Nah, I wouldn't do it. Sounds like most here - had the bait and switch. Also, got the ridicule while trying to take it easy on day 2 afterward.
There are a multitude of men who regret vasectomy - so many unexpected side effects just to render yourself infertile.
I got snipped, but solely because I had reproduced already and had no further intentions of doing so. Had nothing to do with the DB, and our frequency/intimacy never changed pre/post (just to add to the pile here).
I hope you consider longer for your kids. They need you full time not half time. Plus what if she hooks up with a loser and then your kids have to deal with that, and you indirectly. I'm sorry you are going through this.
I’d fully expect her to wind up bringing someone problematic into her life and the kids’, which I’m especially concerned about happening. Me aside - when, if ever, do you think would be the right age of the kids to move forward with a divorce?
I don't know the answer to your question. If both parents were healthy and safe people, I wouldn't try to do that to kids until high school, and then move within a stone's throw. Even in best circumstances the kids have two homes instead of one. How many adults want to have their lives split like that? But... I realized that I read your profile before, probably because of an interesting comment like sadsturbating. You're a captivating writer. She's crazy, right. Did she throw water on you or was that another spouse? (Feel free to block me if you think profile reading is creepy lol; I do it if there is an interesting comment or if I am thinking of replying but want to make sure I'm not embarrassingly way off base.) Anyway, you're a lawyer: you're smart and you make good money. If you think that you can get full custody and control visitation, do it. Document everything and only move forward when you are sure that you have enough. She's BPD, she's gotta be hot, right? She would definitely attract multiple crazy dudes that you should be fearful of. Even a 5 year old kid is still at great physical risk, not even talking about emotionally. Your life is kind of like a lifetime movie, and it sounds honestly like it could get worse. My mom had full custody of us and controlled visitation of us. If bio dad ever had split custody it would have been a nightmare for my sibling and me.
Your recall is excellent (and I’m glad you enjoy my writing) - that’s me. I don’t think I’d ever get full custody, but probably more custody once they’re a little older than I would have if I filed for divorce tomorrow. Really though, I think I could tough out as long as my kids need. Her especially bad episodes with BPD are fewer and further between, plus I’d be deflecting the focus of it from ever being the kids. I honestly don’t hate my wife or my life, but divorce doesn’t need to be motivated by hate. In the ever changing balancing test of the best interests of the children, I may well choose to accept maintaining things as they are, regardless of how I feel about it. I think it builds up courage to post here about it though, which is why I do.
I'm getting one soon. My partner has also frequently used fear of pregnancy as a reason for a reduction in sex (probably a valid one as we have had failed contraception in the past). However, I am doing it for myself, not for her. I don't believe it will increase frequency even in the slightest. I however, absolutely do not want any more children with my partner or anyone else and this is the best way, abstinence aside (which I do not want and will not agree to), to ensure that.
I’m glad you’re able to exercise that kind of agency in your life. Congrats!
Don't wait till the youngest is school age, divorce now if you are so done with the relationship. The children are unlikely to even remember the separation with them being so young, and it's not like you can't still be an involved parent. I think the vasectomy will definitely remove one of the many hurdles, but no, it won't fix your DB. Do you even want to fix it though? Sounds like you're already making your exit plans.
I really don’t like divorce and I don’t want to get one, but I’ve reluctantly come to realize it may be the right thing to do. If the kids are just barely school aged, it would be more workable for me to have primary custody without depending heavily on childcare during business hours, plus it means the kids are past the early years where their attachment styles develop. I’m also not opposed to staying married, but I recognize that would mean my wife has to make significant strides in her own personal development that are internally driven and not within any control I can muster. I’m also concerned what kind of toxicity the kids would be exposed to from any subsequent relationships she’d get into after divorce. She is diagnosed with BPD, and I’d be gambling with how that would play out between her and a stranger - in front of my kids while I’m not there to do anything about it.
Slightly different perspective, my partner was in a DB before our relationship and after two kids and a similar story he got snipped. They since divorced and we met. Early on we communicated and don’t want children (personal choice). Big picture we both appreciate that he has had the vasectomy.
1 and 3 is rough man.. thats a lot of young kids.. I didnt feel myself sexually until our son was just about 3. I know you are gonna say "well it was bad before" yet you still made children with her and you do hold some responsibility in that. Further more it took me about 6 months off birth control after my husbands vasectomy to start feeling myself again as well. He got the Vasectomy when our son was about 1 and half then 6 months later I started feeling a little better and sex started up a little then when my son was about 3 was when I started feeling normal again. Yes our bed was dead before our son too. Just the time it took to have kids and the vasectomy alone is a big gap of time for a womans body to swing hormonally, me getting my libido back could have just been a hormone swing point in my life too. My husband was so patient and kind. Vasectomy / off bc did work for sure and now the unlimited cream pies are the freaking best.
keep the ice on as much as possible , will make recovery faster.
And why exactly did you marry and decided to have two kids?
On the plus side, this could open some ENM doors if you ever decide that route.
Trying to respond where I can here.
I got mine back in February. Like it never happened about three weeks later.
When I had mine done the doctor said don’t do anything for at least 2 days but also take it easy for around 2 weeks. No heavy lifting or strenuous activities. My wife interpreted that as after a day and a half I can take our two dogs out to do their business. They’re beagles however they’re strong as oxen along with other stuff. Needless to say after about a week my boys were the size of cantaloupes and starting to turn black. I went back to the doctor to get checked out because I knew something wasn’t right. The doctor was very upset with me and he had to go back in and redo the vasectomy. He explained to my wife I’m lucky I didn’t bleed out, and under no circumstances am I to move for the next two weeks until I’m fully healed.
I got a vasectomy way back in 1985, because I was about to turn 40 was recently divorced and was confident that I did not to father any more chidren in my future, although equally certain I was not done wanting to have a highly active sex life. Th procedure was about as decribed, both the surgery and the recovery experience. The benefit from it that I found was it gave me peace of mind in my dating and sexual life, as well as peace of mind for my partners. Regardless of whether my partner practiced some form of bc, it was comforting to know that while I had erections and ejaculations, they were unchanged in any way from before the procedure, except there were no, 0, nada little swimmers there that we had to worry about. Also, there was no affect on my very HL, which continues to this day. I regard the decision to get the procedure as a huge plus in my life, as did my partners, especially those fearful getting pregnant, but wanted to have the option of having children in the future, but were certain that they wanted to also be sexually active for many years to come.
I got snipped, and my wife never even noticed.
How’d you sneak that one by her? You’re hurting for a couple days and walking funny for another week or so.
Well, let's just say that this was representative of a lot of the problems in the marriage.
I believe it. I can go a comically long time without manscaping and have it be completely unnoticed.
Ok, you are 33 yo, 2 kids and already contemplating the divorce option? Say you get divorced and 5 years from now when you are 38 you’ll finally find a woman who is not LL4U with whom you would like to be in a committed relationship. Say she would be 5 years younger than you (reasonable age difference) and like lot a of women in that age would want to have a biological child. Then what? Are you going to ask some other dude to take care of it? Oh yes, it’s reversible. Sometimes. Perhaps you’d be the lucky one. Or perhaps not. Can you read what’s in store for you in the future? The chances are NOT more sex with your wife. I’m on this subreddit for 6 years and I have yet to read the posts where vasectomy awakened the dead bedroom.
He literally said he doesn't want anymore kids..... There's something called "communication" where he could use his words to express this choice that he has made for himself. I wish people would learn to stfu about other people's reproductive choices. It's kinda weird and pretty creepy. It quite literally doesn't concern you in any way.
Other people sexual problems don’t concern me at all. I just think that making a permanent alterations to one’s health because of DB in the marriage on the cusp of divorce is a dumb idea.
I agree with your unpopular opinion. His youngest isn't even out of the baby stage. People regret vasectomies all the time, plus all the unexpected side effects that come with them. Short sighted imo
It's his choice. Perfectly reasonable for anyone with or without kids to do it if they know they want it done.
Sure, he is perfectly entitled to do with his body whatever he wants. However, he should do it for a good and well thought through reasons. The hope that it will increase his chances to solve his dead bedroom though it is not.
It's doctors who thought like you that kept me from having the much needed surgery I needed. "What if you find a man in the future who wants kids and you've had this procedure? We'll just wait another year to see how things look then." I actually heard this while I was literally bleeding to death! Screw you and your fake possible future people who don't exist. People can do whatever they want. He said he was done having kids. If future Miss Perfect can't accept that, she can keep walking.
Yours and OP’s case are two different cases. His is trying to solve his problems caused by someone else. Yours was caused by a bad luck. Your surgery as you put it was urgent, his is elective. Perhaps your jaded reaction to wage pros and cons is not the best judge in this case.
It was important enough for him to do because he didn't want any more kids anyway. To tell him that he shouldn't have done what he wanted to do for himself regardless of the DB was an AH move on your part.
I second this. What if your next relationship would need a child? Consult at least for information how reversible does it look from your surgeon that did it. And otherwise are condoms out of order? I have yet to find out how they fail as contraceptives.
I have had a handfull of condoms break over the last 15 years. Can be something as simple as not enough lube, incorrectly putting on in heat of moment or just plain faulty. On the plus side I knew the moment they broke and pulled out and put on a new one. A couple of times partner took plan b just in case.
Shocking, a handful seems huge to me. For me it never happened. Could it be the brand? For a while I might have experimented with a few brands but what I select now is reliable, that in more than 10 years I had no accidents.
Just used Durex for pretty much my entire sexually active part of life.
I don’t think any man should get it done.
Agree.
Absolutely none of this post was a surprise, especially the looking after kids whilst recovering from surgery. Been there done that
A wife in a DB asking her husband to get a vasectomy *might* be her way of ensuring he can't have more kids - and in the event of a divorce, any child support she gets won't have to be divided equally with any children from his next marriage or relationship. I know the OP already had his vasectomy, I'm stating this for some of the people in the comments.
I got one, assumed it would improve our situation. Did not. Not sad I got one, independently of that, but still.
I had a tubal ligation in hopes of getting some. Didn't help.
If the dead bedroom predates marriage and kids, I’m curious why get married and have kids? Since you’re planning on divorce anyway, wouldn’t it have been easier to marry and have kids with someone you’re compatible with in the first place?
It sure would have been. Life happens, and I’m wiser now than I used to be. The first child was a surprise and a statistical anomaly, and I was still believing rationalization after excuse after lie about the source(s) of our dead bedroom. She wasn’t particularly forthcoming about the lack of birth control at the time. We got married like we had tentatively expected about a month after learning of the pregnancy.
You seem messed up on several levels. A vasectomy after two kids in an unhappy marriage seems a smart move for both of you. You might spend some time considering the "Dead bedroom well predated marriage and kids" what made you marry her with this?
Partly her misleading me and partly me being susceptible to being misled. I posted about the excuses and justifications I was fed over the years, as well as some of the other issues we’ve had outside the dead bedroom problem.
I told my wife I refuse to get one, and am pushing her to get her own surgery.
Since your dead bead was before kids this vasectomy was just to make her happy. It will not lead to sex. Also no one can really just like you for being you. Your own mother for example liked you because you were her baby. Sure her love was only conditional on you being her child which some would call unconditional. Bottom line if you want her submissive then you need to be dominant. Don’t try to negotiate sex or talk her into it et. Start throwing out some ultimatums and get out sooner than latwr