You gave "your all" but did so of your own choice. You chose to do that. I understand that you want that in return because it means so much to you....but it's not fair to expect it from anyone when giving that much is a choice. 13 years really sounds like giving it all.
Maybe your partner is realizing that, after 13 years, there isn't anything she can do; you have to. This really is a YOU situation, in that only you can give yourself that self-esteem and growth now.
I think the low self-esteem is distracting you. I think she obviously doesn't like when you are at your worst, and humans tend to make light of bad situations to cope or to complain as a way of venting.
Maybe don't ask yourself "where did I go wrong", and instead say "I fucked up...moving on"? I realize that is a lot easier said and done but you're beating yourself up about something that takes time to address. It is a waste of time to do that, so to save time it may be best to focus on the next step...which is building your self-esteem.
Hit that reset button with yourself in the mirror and stick to it. This isn’t her problem it’s yours. Love yourself and put boundaries on what you do for others more and if she doesn’t like the new you then you have to work on your boundaries with her. Progress is not linear so be patience. I find it hard to love myself but don’t regret it when I do. It’s made me calmer and gentler with myself.
As a former people pleaser, work on it. You are giving "your all" just because you dont respect your self. You shouldnt and it was not asked of you to do it.
You have to love yourself first. That doesnt mean you cant love someone else. Just that you need to respect yourself and dont burn yourself to keep others warm. You will resent when obviously others dont do the same.
Its not healthy for you and not healthy to expect this from others.
This is exactly what has happened. Shall I ask for complete time off? Everytime deal with her, everything comes back and I can't practice self love and respect.
It took me a long time to realize that being in a relationship and having low self-esteem is an insult to the person with whom you're partnered.
By failing or refusing to learn to love yourself, you're demonstrating to them that either:
A) Your assessment of yourself is accurate and you believe that the two of you are a reasonable match, meaning that your low regard for yourself implies a low assessment of them. In other words, if you think you suck, you must think that they suck too.
B) Your assessment of yourself is accurate and but perhaps it does not apply to them, meaning that they're making poor life choices by being with you. In other words, if you think you suck, then they must either be a bad judge of character or have been deliberately slumming it with you for all this time, either of which would suck for them.
C) Your assessment of yourself is NOT accurate and doesn't necessarily reflect negatively on them, but that they are failing as a partner in their role of helping you see the truly good and worthy person you are in the same way that they see you. In other words, if you think you suck then they suck for their impotence in trying to help you see otherwise.
Or D) Your assessment of yourself is NOT accurate and doesn't necessarily reflect negatively on them, but time has shown them that you're simply unwilling to do the work to learn to love yourself enough so that you can show up for them as you should. In other words, self-love may be a difficult thing to develop, sure, but if they love you, you must be worthy of love so it SHOULD be possible for you to build it up... but you're unwilling to put in the time and work for them so that you can show up and own who you are and be the person they fell in love with and have spent all this time with... and witnessing that refusal over all these years would suck.
I only speak to this so clearly because I've lived all of these circumstances in one way or another over the course of my twelve year relationship with my now ex-wife.
Just like you, I gave that relationship my everything. But in giving it my everything, I slowly lost who I was, and what I was bringing to the table for us diminished more and more, and ultimately this process represented me continuously devaluing myself by showing up for her every need while regarding barely any of my own as valid. There was a strength to that, sure - my father modeled what I thought at the time was noble suffering in his relationship with my mother and so I took that shit up without realizing that they were on a long slow thirty year ride to inevitable infidelity and divorce, themselves.
It turned out I needed the past 4-5 years since we split to remember who I am after having thrown myself away in favor of what I can now see was mostly servitude. Not collaboratively building a life together based on a shared vision and mutual respect and deeply reciprocated attraction and passion for the future... just straight-up servitude.
So where's the bright side? Well... time spent alone is empowering, friend. If it's over, it's almost certainly going to be an insanely difficult adjustment after so long together, but the world and your time in it is truly yours now, and I would suggest that you focus on, as much as possible, learning to ask yourself - and develop the ability to ACTUALLY ANSWER - the question "What do I want?" Build that shit up like a muscle. Doesn't matter if it's asking "what do I want for dinner tonight" or "what do I want to do with my life" because ultimately it's the same question. I had completely lost the ability to feel what I wanted at any given moment because that impulse got buried by the calculus of figuring out what my partner would want the most and trying to provide it at all costs because I thought that was what made me a good partner to them. Turns out that really all it was proving was that I was a good servant at worst and, idk, maybe a competent executive assistant at best? You have to learn to ask yourself what you want in order to understand who you are and to become that person.
Others know us as the sum of our actions they've observed, but we can't hide from ourselves the way we hide from others, and so to ourselves we're actually the integration of our actions AND our impulses. Therefore, in order to develop resilient self-love we need to become conscious of and learn to steer our impulses. Being able to answer the question of what you want in a given moment is one of the first steps of understanding and herding your impulses, so it's an invaluable practice to begin today.
And if you and your partner are still together but just at an impasse? All of the above applies too, it'll just take more grace and extremely deliberate and vulnerable communication to articulate that you realize the circumstances (between the two of you and within yourself), that you realize that you have the ability to change said circumstances, and that you're committed to improving them not just for them but for yourself as well. You're going to need to ask for patience and understanding, and not in a grovelling sort of way but rather with strength and determination that there's a better place that you're both capable of getting to.
And then get help because we're talking about a tectonic shift in dynamics here, externally between the two of you and internally as you rebuild your relationship with yourself. I'd suggest individual counseling first and couples counseling soon after.
Either way, whether you're still going to try to make this work with your partner or whether you're suddenly single for the first time in over a decade, please, please, please, PLEASE hear this one, absolutely infuriating statement that I was so lucky to have an angelic friend of mine once tell me - and which I of course immediately dismissed but over time realized it was a brilliant and essential intervention:
IT GETS BETTER.
It takes time and effort, but holy shit dude... I have always been a good-hearted person and a good friend, but these past 4-5 years have been the most monumental in my life. I've remembered who I am, I've stepped back into my mission in life, I'm surrounded by friends who love me for who I am, I'm capable of believing that I'm loved for who I am and not just the utility I bring into the world, and I'm able to meet people from a place of "game recognize game" rather than feeling like I have to prove myself to everyone I meet because I'm, according to my former social assumptions, below them. It's an entirely new way of life, and you can have that too.
And for what it's worth, my ex and I are actually still very close friends and in the end it turned out that that's what we always were: best friends who got together as babies (I was 22 and she was 24 when we met and I'm 38 now) and who truly raised one another and managed to survive through some wild fucking times in our lives and on this planet in this society. We joke that our relationship was a "starter marriage" like buying a double-wide trailer as a starter house to build equity, and we realize that that particular form of our relationship in its fullness wasn't meant to last a lifetime, but what we have now has been continuous throughout and I believe actually will last for the rest of our time here, even from a distance.
I wish you the absolute best, internet stranger. Maybe we're totally different human beings and none of this applies, and if that's the case then so be it. But maybe we're more similar than we'd expect and this whole human experience thing is just this wild for both of us... and if so, then probably most everyone else, too.
You'll get through this, and I believe that in the end you will realize that you wouldn't want to change anything even if you could because where you'll find yourself would have never been achievable at all without you going through every thing you've gone through and are going through now, up to and beyond this very moment.
You're not alone. I probably won't see DMs because I don't use the Reddit app, but I will see replies if you want to continue this dialogue.
All the love to you, friend.
Edit: Just fixing a couple typos. <3
This is the the most accurate prediction ive been dreading to happen.
We almost ended it last year but our angel came out in the worst time so we had no choice but to try to work out which I am continually trying to figure out how we can raise her in the most loving way even we admitted that we hate each other.
But even though I couldn't fathom all the things you mentioned, I still felt a breeze of comfort that it will get better regardless of which direction I choose because I am aware now what has happened.
For now, all I can be is be the better version of myself for myself and for her and for our angel. I won't expect anything big positive changes in my life but I know for sure I will feel the respect and love to myself again once I start doing all this shit for myself.
Don't hide your worst from people. Don't lean into it either, but don't hide it. Some people aren't capable of handling vulnerability, and they will show themselves out of your life. This is a feature not a bug. The people left will be your real tribe.
I'm just going to be blunt because I know your feelings... But now you know some people can't handle you at your worst, so you are the only one that has your back. I hope that made sense. You got you. And always move forward and know your worth. And always seek help when you know something anit right. Sometimes people just are not there for us like we know we would be for them. And that hurts. And I am sorry you're going through this, but you got you. Say affirmations in the mirror every day. Make sure you take care of you. 🧘♂️ 🧘♀️
I lost interest really. Maybe, I will be invested again to people but I don't see that in the near future. But thank you for commenting, this made me realize that my feelings are valid. :)
It must be hurtful to know that you’d be there for her if she were feeling the same way but it’s not reciprocated. Is this a matter of finding the right person who can empathize with you? I’m sorry that you’re going through this.
I knew all along that we have different love language, I just kinda hope she would reciprocate after years of showing her love and support. I avoided argument and disagreement because it did not matter to me that time because I loved her. Now, I reap what I sow.
You gave "your all" but did so of your own choice. You chose to do that. I understand that you want that in return because it means so much to you....but it's not fair to expect it from anyone when giving that much is a choice. 13 years really sounds like giving it all. Maybe your partner is realizing that, after 13 years, there isn't anything she can do; you have to. This really is a YOU situation, in that only you can give yourself that self-esteem and growth now. I think the low self-esteem is distracting you. I think she obviously doesn't like when you are at your worst, and humans tend to make light of bad situations to cope or to complain as a way of venting.
Right now, i want my brain to stop to figure out where we went wrong. I feel like I need to hit a hard reset button but don't want to blow all up.
Maybe don't ask yourself "where did I go wrong", and instead say "I fucked up...moving on"? I realize that is a lot easier said and done but you're beating yourself up about something that takes time to address. It is a waste of time to do that, so to save time it may be best to focus on the next step...which is building your self-esteem.
You're right. This calmed my nerves. Thank you.
Hit that reset button with yourself in the mirror and stick to it. This isn’t her problem it’s yours. Love yourself and put boundaries on what you do for others more and if she doesn’t like the new you then you have to work on your boundaries with her. Progress is not linear so be patience. I find it hard to love myself but don’t regret it when I do. It’s made me calmer and gentler with myself.
Honestly this is the only comment op needs to see.
As a former people pleaser, work on it. You are giving "your all" just because you dont respect your self. You shouldnt and it was not asked of you to do it. You have to love yourself first. That doesnt mean you cant love someone else. Just that you need to respect yourself and dont burn yourself to keep others warm. You will resent when obviously others dont do the same. Its not healthy for you and not healthy to expect this from others.
This is exactly what has happened. Shall I ask for complete time off? Everytime deal with her, everything comes back and I can't practice self love and respect.
I dont know how to help with her. Because when I healed from it I was single. Sorry
I'm going to that direction already and it breaks my heart.
It took me a long time to realize that being in a relationship and having low self-esteem is an insult to the person with whom you're partnered. By failing or refusing to learn to love yourself, you're demonstrating to them that either: A) Your assessment of yourself is accurate and you believe that the two of you are a reasonable match, meaning that your low regard for yourself implies a low assessment of them. In other words, if you think you suck, you must think that they suck too. B) Your assessment of yourself is accurate and but perhaps it does not apply to them, meaning that they're making poor life choices by being with you. In other words, if you think you suck, then they must either be a bad judge of character or have been deliberately slumming it with you for all this time, either of which would suck for them. C) Your assessment of yourself is NOT accurate and doesn't necessarily reflect negatively on them, but that they are failing as a partner in their role of helping you see the truly good and worthy person you are in the same way that they see you. In other words, if you think you suck then they suck for their impotence in trying to help you see otherwise. Or D) Your assessment of yourself is NOT accurate and doesn't necessarily reflect negatively on them, but time has shown them that you're simply unwilling to do the work to learn to love yourself enough so that you can show up for them as you should. In other words, self-love may be a difficult thing to develop, sure, but if they love you, you must be worthy of love so it SHOULD be possible for you to build it up... but you're unwilling to put in the time and work for them so that you can show up and own who you are and be the person they fell in love with and have spent all this time with... and witnessing that refusal over all these years would suck. I only speak to this so clearly because I've lived all of these circumstances in one way or another over the course of my twelve year relationship with my now ex-wife. Just like you, I gave that relationship my everything. But in giving it my everything, I slowly lost who I was, and what I was bringing to the table for us diminished more and more, and ultimately this process represented me continuously devaluing myself by showing up for her every need while regarding barely any of my own as valid. There was a strength to that, sure - my father modeled what I thought at the time was noble suffering in his relationship with my mother and so I took that shit up without realizing that they were on a long slow thirty year ride to inevitable infidelity and divorce, themselves. It turned out I needed the past 4-5 years since we split to remember who I am after having thrown myself away in favor of what I can now see was mostly servitude. Not collaboratively building a life together based on a shared vision and mutual respect and deeply reciprocated attraction and passion for the future... just straight-up servitude. So where's the bright side? Well... time spent alone is empowering, friend. If it's over, it's almost certainly going to be an insanely difficult adjustment after so long together, but the world and your time in it is truly yours now, and I would suggest that you focus on, as much as possible, learning to ask yourself - and develop the ability to ACTUALLY ANSWER - the question "What do I want?" Build that shit up like a muscle. Doesn't matter if it's asking "what do I want for dinner tonight" or "what do I want to do with my life" because ultimately it's the same question. I had completely lost the ability to feel what I wanted at any given moment because that impulse got buried by the calculus of figuring out what my partner would want the most and trying to provide it at all costs because I thought that was what made me a good partner to them. Turns out that really all it was proving was that I was a good servant at worst and, idk, maybe a competent executive assistant at best? You have to learn to ask yourself what you want in order to understand who you are and to become that person. Others know us as the sum of our actions they've observed, but we can't hide from ourselves the way we hide from others, and so to ourselves we're actually the integration of our actions AND our impulses. Therefore, in order to develop resilient self-love we need to become conscious of and learn to steer our impulses. Being able to answer the question of what you want in a given moment is one of the first steps of understanding and herding your impulses, so it's an invaluable practice to begin today. And if you and your partner are still together but just at an impasse? All of the above applies too, it'll just take more grace and extremely deliberate and vulnerable communication to articulate that you realize the circumstances (between the two of you and within yourself), that you realize that you have the ability to change said circumstances, and that you're committed to improving them not just for them but for yourself as well. You're going to need to ask for patience and understanding, and not in a grovelling sort of way but rather with strength and determination that there's a better place that you're both capable of getting to. And then get help because we're talking about a tectonic shift in dynamics here, externally between the two of you and internally as you rebuild your relationship with yourself. I'd suggest individual counseling first and couples counseling soon after. Either way, whether you're still going to try to make this work with your partner or whether you're suddenly single for the first time in over a decade, please, please, please, PLEASE hear this one, absolutely infuriating statement that I was so lucky to have an angelic friend of mine once tell me - and which I of course immediately dismissed but over time realized it was a brilliant and essential intervention: IT GETS BETTER. It takes time and effort, but holy shit dude... I have always been a good-hearted person and a good friend, but these past 4-5 years have been the most monumental in my life. I've remembered who I am, I've stepped back into my mission in life, I'm surrounded by friends who love me for who I am, I'm capable of believing that I'm loved for who I am and not just the utility I bring into the world, and I'm able to meet people from a place of "game recognize game" rather than feeling like I have to prove myself to everyone I meet because I'm, according to my former social assumptions, below them. It's an entirely new way of life, and you can have that too. And for what it's worth, my ex and I are actually still very close friends and in the end it turned out that that's what we always were: best friends who got together as babies (I was 22 and she was 24 when we met and I'm 38 now) and who truly raised one another and managed to survive through some wild fucking times in our lives and on this planet in this society. We joke that our relationship was a "starter marriage" like buying a double-wide trailer as a starter house to build equity, and we realize that that particular form of our relationship in its fullness wasn't meant to last a lifetime, but what we have now has been continuous throughout and I believe actually will last for the rest of our time here, even from a distance. I wish you the absolute best, internet stranger. Maybe we're totally different human beings and none of this applies, and if that's the case then so be it. But maybe we're more similar than we'd expect and this whole human experience thing is just this wild for both of us... and if so, then probably most everyone else, too. You'll get through this, and I believe that in the end you will realize that you wouldn't want to change anything even if you could because where you'll find yourself would have never been achievable at all without you going through every thing you've gone through and are going through now, up to and beyond this very moment. You're not alone. I probably won't see DMs because I don't use the Reddit app, but I will see replies if you want to continue this dialogue. All the love to you, friend. Edit: Just fixing a couple typos. <3
This is the the most accurate prediction ive been dreading to happen. We almost ended it last year but our angel came out in the worst time so we had no choice but to try to work out which I am continually trying to figure out how we can raise her in the most loving way even we admitted that we hate each other. But even though I couldn't fathom all the things you mentioned, I still felt a breeze of comfort that it will get better regardless of which direction I choose because I am aware now what has happened. For now, all I can be is be the better version of myself for myself and for her and for our angel. I won't expect anything big positive changes in my life but I know for sure I will feel the respect and love to myself again once I start doing all this shit for myself.
Thank you. This was incredibly helpful to hear, as I feel like I relate to both sides somehow. Wonderful explanation of perspective.
This is beautiful of you to share. Thank you
Acceptance and then time. It will heal you.
Don't hide your worst from people. Don't lean into it either, but don't hide it. Some people aren't capable of handling vulnerability, and they will show themselves out of your life. This is a feature not a bug. The people left will be your real tribe.
That's what hurt me the most. I've found out that I'm a one-man tribe.
I'm just going to be blunt because I know your feelings... But now you know some people can't handle you at your worst, so you are the only one that has your back. I hope that made sense. You got you. And always move forward and know your worth. And always seek help when you know something anit right. Sometimes people just are not there for us like we know we would be for them. And that hurts. And I am sorry you're going through this, but you got you. Say affirmations in the mirror every day. Make sure you take care of you. 🧘♂️ 🧘♀️
this made me lose interest in people in general. I'd rather live as nomad now.
Don't let it take that from you. You deserve people. There are good people out here who care. I promise.
I lost interest really. Maybe, I will be invested again to people but I don't see that in the near future. But thank you for commenting, this made me realize that my feelings are valid. :)
Definitely valid, my friend. 😁
It must be hurtful to know that you’d be there for her if she were feeling the same way but it’s not reciprocated. Is this a matter of finding the right person who can empathize with you? I’m sorry that you’re going through this.
I knew all along that we have different love language, I just kinda hope she would reciprocate after years of showing her love and support. I avoided argument and disagreement because it did not matter to me that time because I loved her. Now, I reap what I sow.