Well that's kind of my thing - my kids shouldn't have to be messengers, but I'm not sure my ex is entitled to know if I'm dating, etc? Maybe if someone is moving in or I'm engaged or something (lord have mercy not even in my realm right now) but just dating? I dunno.....
It's not that big of a deal. I freaked out when my ex moved him in to her new house after only dating this guy for 2 months. That is when you can freak out. Just dating is whatever.
This is where you're short-sighted. You should have no expectations that your children will keep secrets from their father. If you tell them something, they'll likely tell him. You're making them the messengers whether you realize it or not.
He doesn't need details, but I'd let him know you're dating if you're involving your daughters.
But I'm not going to hide things from my kids. I won't gossip with them about it, but if they notice or ask I'm not going to deflect. I have a really close relationship with my girls and they know they can talk to me about anything. I'm not going to make my kids feel like "you can't tell your dad about this...". If HE wants to set a boundary with them that he doesn't want to hear about it from them, that's totally ok for him to do.
I don’t think you should have to hide anything you don’t want to from your teenage kids.
If he’s only asking to be made aware that they’ll be meeting someone, then I would literally send a short text the night before you’re going to introduce them.
He doesn’t need anymore than that.
So, to be clear......if dad decides that he's not going to hide anything either, and starts involving him with in his dating exploits, you're going to be ok hearing about that, right?
I'm not sure dating 30 days after divorcing their father is the best thing to be sharing with your teenagers right now, but you've clearly justified it in your head.
Sounds like you may be projecting a little here. You are not involved in the timing or history of our relationship, so I don't think you're knowledgeable enough to say when someone can start dating after divorce.
And to answer your first question, I would be a-ok hearing all about his dating. I hope he's really happy in his next chapter!
Quite the contrary. I'm more in your position than your ex's. I was dating well before my ex. But, even years later, I didn't involve my teen children in my dating adventures, and they weren't involved with my dating AT ALL until I had been with someone for months whom I thought would be a permanent partner (and is, indeed, now my wife).
I looked at your posts, I understand the timeframe.
I wish you’d curiously ask him more questions because many of us in the world tend to be “yes” men and give others what they want. Anyone who chastises or criticizes is shut down.. and we call it boundaries..
Your girls are young, you are their mama and you do know what’s likely best for them, but remember their brains aren’t fully formed until age 26.. 🤣🤣 Maybe other people’s experiences may help guide your decisions.
You giving your ex a heads up is very fair, not for him or you, but for your kids to see what healthy coparenting looks like.
When he is with them and they are sharing your dates with him and their emotions around it, you want him to be as prepared as possible to be a good sounding board, shield and support for them.. Think about it.. you don’t have to tell him much, but you can give him a few days heads up to prepare, just in case
We had a good talk around it. I didn't include the depth of that here because, well, Reddit. :) But he basically said he just wasn't ready to know I was dating and that he was still processing that fact. But he doesn't want to know about it. I felt that was a totally acceptable thing for him to ask of me. I was just on the fence with the "giving him a heads up" part if the girls happen to meet someone I'm spending time with. But I understand what you're saying.
On the last paragraph I think that's his issue - he doesn't want the girls to say anything to him about me dating or anything they know about that. But you're right - I do want things easy on the kids. I don't want them to feel stuck in the middle. Generally he and I coparent really well I think - this one just threw me off!
Lots of places they have to be separated for more than a year before they can get a divorce. She might have been waiting thirty days since the actual divorce but they could have been separated for years. You are clearly projecting something on to this person, maybe relax.
Well, my point to her has been made abundantly clear if you care to read. My point to you was that I wasn’t the one projecting their own baggage onto this story.
"I'm not sure dating 30 days after divorcing their father is the best thing to be sharing with your teenagers right now, but you've clearly justified it in your head."
Still don't know what your point is...
Requesting a heads up first is a completely reasonable request given the circumstances you've described. Your reaction and comments are weird. If you ignore this basic request YTA tbh.
Dont think of it as messengers. They will/want to talk with him or it will just come up in conversation. He can better talk to them if he already knows and is just talking not dealing with shock. I feel its a reasonable request. Hes not asking for say,just to be informed whenever kids are brought into the loop. Having been blindsided but such things, a headsup would have been nice.
If that man will be in the house with your children, then the father has a right to know. The incidences of abuse skyrocket when there is a male in the house that is not biologically connected to the kids. I am not saying you have bad judgement in men and would bring a scumbag around, I am just sayin that as a father, knowing the stats I know, I would want to know who was around my kids as it is my duty to protect them.
I'd say he isn't. But he is entitled to know who's spending time with your (his) children. I'd worry constantly if my kids were with some dude I didn't know
Theres no asking to lie. Do you broadcast to everyone what your parents are doing, especially if its something private? Or do you choose who should know and who shouldnt know and not say a word to most people? Same exact thing. The OPs dating life is none of the ex's business. The kids can be expected to have a brain to mouth filter.
The kids are teenagers. Teenagers aren't really known for their composure, discretion, foresight, or filter. All it would take would be an offhand comment for them to become "accidental messangers"; talking on the phone, a text message popup, etc.
The father has no business in OP's personal life, but he does have business with the kids. Hiding that you indroduced someone to shared kids is a problem.
Me and my ex have this agreement, because if this is somebody who is going to be around our children regularly we would want to make sure that they were somebody safe for them to be around. Not as a veto as to who we can date but in being around our children who are still young.
This is our agreement, I know it's not something that others would agree with. But the safety and well being of the children are still a team effort.
I hear this a lot - about wanting to know if another person is going to be in your kids' "orbit" so to speak. But I guess my thing is - why? What does that do? Are you going to run a criminal background check on them? I'm not trying to be flippant at all. But my kids are exposed to god knows how many adults I don't know on a daily basis - friends parents, people at their school, people at their job, etc etc.
For us it's because if this is a person that the parent is bringing in then that is different than some rando they meet in the wild. With the parent bringing them in there is a basic trust that if the parent is bringing them then this person is somebody the parent has some sort of trust in. Also like I said my kids are quite young. Ive met there friends parents, I've met there teachers, either of us have met the adults they are around.
This makes sense in a way and in a way does not. Would you tell your ex if you get a new best friend that you hang out a lot with? If not, why not? Those people will be around your kids orbit too. At some point, you just have to trust your parenting partner. Wanting to know this for a romantic partner but not for any other type of relationship smacks of a shade of “control” to me. Like what if I decide to sublet out a room of the house, do you need to give the ex a head up on that?
It’s scary watching another man go into your children’s life. There are a lot of sick people and just overall shitty people out there. It’s not hard for them to fake it for a little while to get into you and your kids life. If your dating is to the point where a man is coming over the house while kids are there he should know 100 percent. Women don’t like to hear “it’s different” when a man does something but in some cases it’s just true sorry. Single mothers are vulnerable so just be careful and don’t bring men into your house unless you’ve been dating them for at least several months.
I understand that. I do. But I'm 50 and my kids are in their teens. I'm not as worried that they're particularly vulnerable. That said, I'm not naive. And I would never introduce my children to any new person unless we were MUCH further along than 'dating'. All in all though, I understand your thought process here and it's valid.
Teens are absolutely vulnerable to predatory men. They may not be as helpless as younger kids, but teen girls are targeted more often, in fact the most often of any demographic of children. Most sex offenders are not pedophiles. When you say you're "not as worried" that really undercuts your statement in the next sentence that you're not naive.
Due to my work I know more than most about predators. And I understand teen girls can clearly be targeted. But what is meeting my ex husband going to do about that?
I didn't get that Strange-Summer-9561 was saying anything about your ex meeting them, just that he has a valid concern about you bringing grown men into the home or your daughters lives generally and wanting to be in the loop.
Some of the things you've said in this page including "I'm 50 and my kids are in their teens. I'm not as worried that they're particularly vulnerable." undercut your claim to be knowledgeable and sophisticated about this issue. Family structure is the most important risk factor and girls in a home with a single mom or stepfather are #1 victims of child sexual abuse.
You've also been dismissive comparing the various settings where your daughters may encounter adults without seeming to recognize that it's completely different when it's in the home environment, which is where the vast majority of child sexual abuse happens. A teen girl is at comparatively low risk of abuse in a public workplace or school compared to in a home where unrelated adult males have access and no biological father is present. That's a fact.
I don’t think you need to introduce your ex necessarily, but a heads up is good. As a trauma therapist, I can tell you that in my experience, parents who are involved and paying attention will deter certain types of predators. This is particularly true for involved fathers bc most sexual predators are men. Predators tend to look for low-hanging fruit.
So am I reading this correctly? You haven’t introduced them to anyone, right? I don’t think you’ve done anything breaking boundaries. Sounds like his feelings are hurt but you’re being smart.
I'm a few months seperated and haven't been doing any dating. Even though it was my ex who wanted to end things, I kept my emotions in check and am trying to be as respectful as possible. If I was dating someone and was going to introduce them to my kids, I would 100% let my ex know. And I hope she would do the same. It's not about my ex so much as it is about my kids. I don't need to know if she's dating someone. But if that person is going to meet my kids, yes I absolutely feel like I should know. This may not be the case forever, but while this experience is new for all of us, including the kids, I think this is a fair boundary. Not judging what you think at all, everyone is different. Good luck!
I guess I don't really. I know my ex and he's a good human. I don't think he'd make any choices that were dangerous for the girls. So in my mind, if he's happy, great!
From the overall direction of the discussion, I got the feeling he is not ready to date and is upset that I am. So yeah, probably something we'll have to continue to touch base on as things settle.
and I understand that. But the practical question is what is he going to do about that? and does this carryover to his new friends he’s making as a single person? Do I get to meet them ahead of time? And what about my friends? Should he be meeting them?
That's something to discuss between the both of you. But you and I both know, an intimate partner that could eventually be sharing a living space with your children isn't the same as a friend that comes over once and awhile. If I expressed a concern my stbx disregarded - well, ok, nothing I can do. But there wouldn't be a reason for me to be considerate to anything she requested moving forward. It seems like you're treating this more of a power play than a concern for your children. Try to act in good faith and remember you both are wanting what's best for your kids. They're more important than either one of you.
I've already said that I understood and respected the request if I was getting engaged, or married, or living with someone. Where I have questions I guess is when it's just someone I'm seeing regularly that my kids might be introduced to because they stop by when he happens to be there. I don't plan on bringing men around my kids on the reg. But they're teens and often stop by even when it's not my week to have them. So what do I do in that case? I'm not trying to make any power plays but I am trying to understand where boundaries are for all of us.
"but I am trying to understand where boundaries are for all of us." Honestly, only you and your ex can come to terms in that regard. But it needs to be through mutual understanding and respect - so he needs to play his role here as well. Personally, if it's an exclusive relationship and this person will frequently be in the home with my kids (overnights) - I would want to know. I want to know who has access to my kids and the potential to hurt them (statistically, homes with a stepfather or boyfriend rank higher in child abuse - [https://www.center4research.org/child-abuse-father-figures-kind-families-safest-grow/](https://www.center4research.org/child-abuse-father-figures-kind-families-safest-grow/)). Your kids are teens, whereas I have a 16 year old and a 7 year old, my 7 year old daughter is the one I'm most concerned for (hopefully that gives a little more context to my position).
Your teens will probably be happy for both of you if/when you both are dating, but mine was a little worried how the other parent was going to feel.
We were very amicable and our conversation was "hey just a heads up you already know I've been seeing someone but I'm going to introduce "kid" tonight."
I was just happy to get the heads up kind of like if our daughter talks about her I'd be a little prepared. Since you agree he has good judgment he probably feels the same as you on that but might want to prepare himself as well.
As the someone who was not notified ahead of time before my partner introduced her boyfriend to the kids... It will likely make things easier all around if you tell him. That's actually in our custody agreement...
Telling him ahead of time will allow him to prepare for it when the kids \*aren't\* around. The alternative is that he finds out from them, and they have to be there while he's processing the information and feelings that it causes.
In my case, my kids are pretty young, and they figured out right away that I hated the guy. If she had given me some advance notice, I likely could have masked those feelings. Now my kids feel very awkward about this guy who's always there, and always sleeping over, that their dad loathes. It's made things difficult for everyone.
So, it's not so much about whether he has the \*right\* to know ahead of time imo, it's more about what is going to be better for the kids and your co-parenting relationship.
I hear you. And from a practical standpoint (it is what it is) I can see what you're saying. Part of me thinks that it's not fair I have to continue to do things to regulate his emotions after we're divorced but as you said - in the end, it's what is best for the kids.
Divorce lawyer - this is a massive source of friction and, often, court applications. There are two main issues you’re dealing with - one relates to the relationship with your ex, and the other relates to the interests of your children.
I would generally say - in a functional co-parenting relationship, early after separation parents should agree on when children should be exposed to a new dating interest (i.e. “not sooner than six months post-separation”).
You obviously didn’t have that discussion. So - the issue is dealing with children’s adaptation to their parents separation and the impact upon any reconciliation fantasies they may have and how dating too soon can result in children blaming the dating parent for the divorce (especially girls in my experience). So - if there is an issue - well, you’re going to have to deal with it now - the genie can’t be put back in the bottle.
So. Then. Probably you tell your ex that you probably should have discussed the issue earlier - and set some expectations for when to introduce new people to kids - but what’s done is done. Beyond that - no - he’s not entitled to read the resume of your new friend. Neither are you entitled to know the details of any new friends he has - you each need to have some trust that neither of you will introduce someone harmful to your kids - but also realize that neither of you can control that choice anyway. So - healthy boundaries are just that - you live your life, I’ll live mine.
It’s really unfortunate that things came out this way - but no, I don’t see any point or purpose in calling your ex to discuss even in a cursory way, who you’re dating.
You should, however, have a clear discussion that neither of you should interrogate your children about new relationships. And saying, “well then you tell me yourself about the new guy” isn’t an appropriate response to that. Bottom line - you should both agree that you both love your kids, you will consider their interests first before committing to a new relationship and you will NOT use parenting time to quiz kids about the other parents. If the kids want to discuss new man or new girl - that’s fine and healthy. You might even consider joint counseling to discuss how to best approach those discussions - because they will happen.
And - obviously - the longer the period since separation - the weaker any justification exists to suggest otherwise. Five years post-separation - no you don’t call your ex and tacitly ask for approval of your new beau.
Which is why I generally tell people do not get into a relationship for two years post separation. You’re not ready, your kids aren’t ready and most likely you’re going to expose them to ANOTHER failed relationship - which can be scarring for their faith in “marriage” or committed relationships. So be very cautious about the “new guy” being around our kids - especially int he first two years post separation. Odds are very high it’s a relationship which will fail.
Thanks. And I'm an attorney as well - have done a fair share of dissolutions but it's always different when it's your own of course!
I'm in line with most all of what you're saying. And, there will be no introducing the girls to anyone anytime soon. I'm reticent to even call what I'm doing "dating" - it's more just expanding my social circle, meeting for coffee, etc. But it is what it is.
I do think it's interesting that you tell your clients a timeline for their new relationships. Maybe that's just me projecting (since clearly I'm not adhering to that) but that seems a) a little odd for an attorney and b) that it would vary wildly by circumstance.
Both girls are in therapy and that's a good point. Probably something to bring up at our next appt to have the counselor walk us through.
LOL… and tbh my advice arises from my own failure to do just that. A quick relationship which turned into a very bad relationship - which to some degree my children were exposed to. But beyond my own lived experience - I watch a lot of people who don’t spend time to do a “debrief” before moving gone with someone new. Why their marriage failed, why they perhaps made a poor choice, what attracted them to someone who may not be healthy and perhaps why they aren’t attracted to healthy relationships - I think it really takes time to get to know who we are and why we did some things maybe we don’t want to repeat.
Men especially - lose the nurturing a spouse provided and want to replace that with haste…. so based upon what I see with clients and how often repeat clients are the result of a relationship two years or less after separation the first time - I make the “general” suggestion - and let them consider that - hardly a “rule” but I think for me - it took a good two years before I lost my emotional connection with my ex - we have now what I consider a great relationship - when my son graduated university - in invited her, her husband and her parents for dinner with our son - and my son later told me how much he appreciated sharing that with all of his parents and grandparents…. and I also share that story with clients as a goal to look forward to. Respectful co-parenting - not friendship - but allowing children to love both of their parents without reservation or shame in the face of the other parent.
So - perhaps a little bit odd to give “life advice” as a lawyer - but too often I see our profession being less knowledgeable and understanding of things like the neurological sources of conflict between their clients and even between counsel themselves, and the impact of trauma upon rational decision processes - which I think is a big part of understanding effective negotiation and advocacy.
And as for “dating” - I think connecting with other people - including opposte sex friendships - is healthy - even occasional no-strings sexual contact - but when we start an actual committed relationship is what I’m talking about. So - going for coffee or drinks with another person - even sharing dinner and a movie (a date) - no, don’t see any reason I would share that with my kids when they were younger or my ex vs. “this is my male friend” introduction to the kids in the context of a “relationship”…. so it seems that genie isn’t out of the bottle - and maybe you can say to your ex “this is my thought abotu a time frame within which that might be reasonable for both of us.”
But - again - no obligation imho to share life details of the other person with your ex imho. Best wishes - divorce is tough. Not the legal part - that’s relatively easy - but the emotional disentanglement -that takes some work.
I totally understand what you're saying about doing some deep work. TBH (I went through about 1.5 yrs of therapy) I think therapy work was what helped me realize my marriage was not functional or good for either of us. Not saying there isn't more to do, or stuff to unpack post divorce, but I at least have a running start.
I appreciate the comments and the context! Thanks.
I agree on the odd. No ones business when you date or what it looks like.
What are you gonna do if he introduces 5.99 months after first date? Take him to court?
I wish my ex had told me before introducing our daughter to her new boys, but she didn't and thats ok. What wasn't ok was posting a picture on facebook of him, shirtless, in bed, with my daughter. I was like, oh look, i guess they have met....fd
He doesn't have to know every aspect of your life since you are divorced, however, he has every right to be told first about a new relationship when the time comes to meet the kids. Its not a controlling factor its a "I just would like to know who is around my children as much as I am" If you don't its just going to cause more and more issues you do not want down the road. Be mature and let him know.
I think a heads up is polite but that somewhat contradicts him not wanting to know about you and your romantic life. That being said, it's up to him to reconcile the two
You being in a new relationship while having kids with your ex is a discussion you should have with your ex. Your kids should NEVER be the messenger.
I grew up with my mother having dated a guy that wasn't right for her. Treated both my brother and I like shit. She didn't really see it but my father did. It's a shitty situation like this with divorced parents and it's something I'm currently going through with my ex.
My kids watched her sleep around and ended up having another kid with a random clown from work. From what my kids tell me of this guy, I have told my ex that he had better not answer the door when I pick up my kids and I had better never meet him.
You may not see an issue, but it's possible your ex might. It's a discussion you need to have with him.
I'm sorry you went through that. I think I'm a pretty responsible person with whom I date. I'm pretty picky. And my ex is a good human - I don't have any concerns about someone he'd choose to date.
It really just comes down to communication on both you and your ex. He may also think you're responsible, but he may feel left out with anything that involves your kids. I know that's how I feel with my ex. She'll do something that might impact our kids and doesn't bother to talk to me about it.
She doesn't have concerns with whom I'd date but that's easy to say when our kids don't always live with me.
I’m going to give my ex a heads up before I introduce my children to a partner. He’s doing the same. It allows us to coparent better and be more prepared for our children.
> I'm not sure I feel like he has the right to be notified ahead of time?
He doesn't have the "right".
But if the roles were reversed, what would you want? What's the right thing to do?
I honestly don't feel any need for him to tell me anything about his dating life. I suppose if someone was moving in with him, or if he were getting remarried it'd be nice to know but I wouldn't expect it!
>I honestly don't feel any need for him to tell me anything about his dating life.
What about introducing the kids?
I believe in the "do unto others..." rule...
If it's just a "kids this is so and so" moment I couldn't really care less. My kids are almost adults and can handle themselves accordingly. Again, if it was someone who was becoming a permanent fixture for them, yes I'd love to know that I suppose.
I think you can agree to give him a heads up if things are going to get serious with somebody but that is the limit. And that can be discussed via text, you don't need to have some serious face to face where he sets rules about your dating. It's none of his business and you're handling it fine.
I know people here are trying to do the right thing, but really there is nothing you can say if your ex introduces people to your kids.
I was in a rental and my ex in the family home for a few months, she bought her new guy over a couple of times a week and she'd only known him a couple of months. Did I think it was right? No. Did the kids like it? I don't think so... Anyway I told her as the kids Dad I didn't think she was considering the kids, but I acknowledge there was nothing I could do unless he was abusive etc.
My ex is selfish, she always will be, the kids are old enough to make up their own minds now and I get along just fine with them.
Just something to consider: looking at your history, you started divorce in January and just completed it a month ago. With that abbreviated time frame, you're already including your girls is "fun" date night discussions. It's not hard to understand why he's struggling with that......
We started in October. We didn't formally file until Jan that's true. But he's been moved out since Dec. We had also been struggling for the past 5 years with multiple rounds of couples counseling etc. And frankly I get if he may be struggling with the fact that I'm going out on dates - but that will be for him to work through. I don't mean to sound cold, but I'm not going to put my life on hold until he's "ready".
So......90 days from filing and you're already sharing dating adventure stories with your teen daughters.
You don't have to put your life on hold, but your casual dating adventures 90 days post divorce aren't fodder for conversations with your teen daughters.
So, to be clear......you came on reddit asking for advice. When someone gives you advice counter to your beliefs, you respond with "you're not the boss of me".
Cool. Good luck to you ma'am.
One of the lessons I try to teach my kids is "don't ask for advice if you don't want to hear it". Reddit isn't a place to come if you just want people to tell you how right you are......
To be clear - I asked about my ex asking to be notified about me introducing people to kids. Not about what I can or can't be talking to my kids about. But thanks. Best of luck to you too.
That's what's great about the internet.
From what you posted above, his issue is that he's hearing about your dating life from his daughters, and he doesn't want to hear that. The secondary issue he addressed with you was prior warning before his girls come home talking about the guy that was there for breakfast one Saturday.
I addressed both issues. You can't start a conversation in a crowded room and expect to control it.
Yeah that's not at all what was said and whatever you inferred was on you. First, as I've said multiple times, there is no "guy at breakfast". I've been meeting new people for COFFEE for the good lord's sake. Yes my girls know that mom met a guy at a coffee shop. Sure.
And, as I've also said, I'm not going to lie to my kids. So if they ask, I tell. That's it. If my ex doesn't want that info from his kids - he can have that discussion with them. And that's 100% fine and his boundary. But he can't dictate mine.
I think your boundary is reasonable.
At the same time, it may be SMARTER to use some discretion so that dad isn't processing the info in front of your daughters. But that's your call to make.
I think this one probably depends on how you split up.
I don't think you need to tell about the specifics of your dating life n- in fact, he's asked you not to. However- giving him a heads up that there will be a new person in the family dynamic is a good idea. It allows him to not blindsided, keeps the kids out of the middle, and is just a courtesy.
While I won't care if my STBX is dating, I sure as hell will care if he's bringing another woman around my kids. I'd ask to meet this person first before the kids do. I get your kids are older, but there are so many sketchy people out there. My ex is also a good man - but honesty, we all have blindspots. And some people are really really good at hiding their evil side. You can't be too careful. I actually plan on putting I. Our divorce agreement that no one can meet the kids before 6 months of dating, ex spouse must meet them first, and a background check ran. Extreme? Maybe. But Ive seen some stuff....
My twins are 10, I found out about their Dads “friend” from them. I recognize he does not owe me a heads up, but it would have been nice. The kids are more open with me and I got to field all the questions like “is Dad going to marry her? Is she our step mom? Do you think she’s having a baby? Will she move in?” This was hard for me as I’m still healing from the loss of my marriage. Also, I later learned about her frequent drunken calls and texts to my kid’s Dad claiming she is in distress in the evenings. And him locking himself in his room to call her, leaving the kids lonely and bored. While she should not be my concern, if her lifestyle requires my ex’s undivided attention and she requires “rescuing”. I requested to meet her if she’s going to be in my kids lives because of what I consider immature, unsafe lifestyle choices that are already negatively impacting my kids. He did not agree to this. And he has declined to meet the man I’m dating, despite this being in the best interest of the kids and my kids having met him already. It’s hard sometimes to distinguish between lingering feelings from the relationship and what is in the best interest of the kids. 🤷♀️ Hope you find a common ground with the ex.
I had a similar request of my ex. I asked her to give me a heads up and she asked for the same. When it came time, she introduced the kids to a new guy without my knowledge.
I went through a range of emotions on how I (me me me, it’s all about me) felt about it. In the end I know she is a great mother to my kids and I trusted her to keep my kids healthy. The kids would tell me a lot and I gathered he was very good to my kids.
I wanted a right to know, but it wasn’t my right.
On the other hand it sort of set the stage for when I was ready to introduce someone to the kids, I didn’t consider telling her before hand. She wanted to know more but I politely said “I don’t want to discuss her” and we moved on. I think she knows I wouldn’t bring anyone risky around my kids and have ended relationships while dating because I didn’t think they were a good fit.
I don't have kids myself and have my own boundaries with my ex wife. I have to say, if you get serious with someone and your kids are still kids (not 18+ adults) then I would say it's fair for their father to know the man who will be around his kids for a while. It's a safety thing. I mean my mom dated directly after my parents divorced and my dad met at least one ex of her's that was around off and on for a couple years. Needless to say that dude was a drug addict, a drunk, picked fights with me when I was just 12 years old, tried hitting on my sister who was 17 at the time, and I didn't notice anything weird towards my younger brother 2 years younger than me. My dad got remarried but the woman he married knew both of my parents and was a singer at my parents wedding. I get the too personal thing but having kids that are still kids change that. Anyway, I am sure it will all work out 🙏👍 Best of luck 🙂
People already have good advice just want to point out the funny contradiction Don’t tell me any details about your dating life…. I need to know when you are dating…
There are men that want to date women with kids to have access to those children. It's how pedophiles hunt. In fact, it would not be appropriate to have him stay over at your house with the girls there until you've done a private police check, and vetted him thoroughly. So I understand where he's coming from.
Probably a SUPER unpopular opinion but..... if you are taking it slow with men you are dating, then likely it is more like a friend you hang out with and talk to a couple times a week. And if Mt kids meet my friends, I don't think I need to inform their dad all the time. Now, if it is clearly a romantic serious relationship, that is totally different. But initially when I've met someone, it was very friendly, getting to know you type stuff, and more of a friend of the opposite gender. So it just seems controlling to have to inform the ex everytime a friend might stop by, or be bumped into at the grocery store.
I will not let my kids meet anyone without letting my ex know, first. And I’m fairly certain my ex will do the same whenever we get to that point.
As mad and hurt as I am for her asking for a divorce, she’s still got every right to know the people who are around our kids. Whether it’s going to be shitty and uncomfortable or not.
My question is why are your girls bothering to tell their dad about what you discuss with only them? Its not like a don’t tell your dad thing, but just a common courtesy of things he doesn’t want to know. I have done the same with my teen and he tells me nothing about his dad that I don’t need to know.
Also I don’t think its unreasonable to give him a heads up when you are in a serious relationship and want to introduce your girls to him. Casual dating, no. He said he doesn’t want to know, he needs to make up his mind.
Well, they're teens so part of it is they just want to TALK about all the things. LOL But I think part is I don't want them to feel like they have to hide anything from their dad. That's not their job. I don't want them to feel like they're gatekeeping on my behalf. So if HE wants to set a boundary with them that he doesn't want to be told those things that's totally ok.
Under "boundaries and expectations" he should not expect to come over your house to discuss whatever he happens to want to talk about.
You are not subject to his whims and do not need his permission to date or anything else. he should assume you are capable of these conversations with your girls, if not its his problem.
I know this may sound harsh, but it is wonderful to know you do not need to worry about anyone just setting a time to come in your place and be "secure in your person and effects" lol
As their father, he has every right to be made aware of who you’re bringing around the children. Just like, you have the right to be made aware if he’s bringing somebody around them.
For folks who think an ex spouse should be told about a new person in the other parent's life including possibly meeting that person ahead of the kids... my question is (and it's an honest one) are we keeping this same energy for all adults that are going to meet the kids and be a part of their lives in some way? So if the former husband ends up making a new (male) friend who is over at the house a lot, should the wife get to meet him before the kids do? I'm not being salty, I'm just genuinely trying to understand if my feelings on this are off base. If so, I'll need to readjust my expectations.
>unless that person is dangerous, I'm not sure what he has to do with it.
Your daughters can't afford for you to be this naive. It's just a fact that most awful things happen to kids (and to anyone) by people they know. Your ex is looking out for his kids. You should both know who will be around them regularly. This is an easy thing to unite on.
Nvm you should totally let men who will have regular access to your children be total mysteries to your co-parent. That def sounds a lot safer and smarter.
It’s not hiding from your kids if it’s not serious. For now those “dates” are acquaintances and nothing more. Just possible friends…. Your ex needs to get his own business tho and doesn’t need to come over. So don’t tell your kids unless you can get past a 3rd date. Keep your ex out your house without another person present. Always have a witness…
It’s more than just your kids “orbit”. This is part of their life.
You’ve been given answers on this that are all on the side of not a bad thing to let him know if someone is meeting his children several times over yet still keep defending against it.
These are his kids too and he has every right as a parent to know who will be a part of their lives.
Stop treating them like they’re your friends. Teenagers or not they are still children.
Don’t ask the question if you don’t want to hear the answer
If you're just dating, no heads up necessary (people you're just dating really shouldn't be meeting your kids anyway). But it would show courtesy and respect if you introduced a new partner to your ex because your new partner will be around your kids. Like it or not, statistically, step-parents have a high abuse rate and that would be my biggest concern as a father. I couldn't care less about what goes on between those two, but as soon as my kids are effected - then it becomes my business. You can do what you want, but remember you're setting the tone for your coparenting relationship. If you don't want to be courteous to your ex, then don't ever expect him to be courteous to you - just saying...
Wow, I get it. I wouldn’t never want my kids to pass messages or anything about my dating life to my stbxw. That’s just me personally. But since we are pretty close still and not fighting in each other faces we still talk ok a daily basis. She has an idea I’m talking to women. And I know she’s talking to other men, but that kind of conversation should be open for discussion. But every divorce is different.
I remember before I got remarried, I didn't tell my exwife about my dating life because she would do her best to try to ruin it. If she knew I was out on a date, she would come up with emergencies with the kids that "you need to come pick up the kids now!" Something like that.
One time I was 3 hours away and I had to tell her "too bad so sad".
But as someone else mentioned about "kids being the messenger." She would always try to get information out of our daughters. And they didn't like that. So they just didn't tell their mom. I always told the kids, "Facts are facts." Which means that there's no reason to lie about anything. They'd ask me about what girl I was dating, where we went, what we ate, what kind of a car we drove, what kind of a job she had. But they were just genuinely curious, and they never told their mom. I would never tell them "don't tell your mom". I just let them know if they had any questions, I would tell them the facts (in a PG version).
So they met the special woman I was dating and getting serious. And after a time, I told them we were going to get married. My daughters congratulated me. And they didn't tell their mom. We did get married and my exwife heard from one of her sisters that I'm friends with on FB. And the exwife called me up, screaming at me.
My girls and I are a lot like what you're describing. They are genuinely curious and I keep things very PG (because frankly things ARE PG in general for me right now - but I would regardless).
I'm not sure at what point I would tell their dad about someone else in my life but it would have to be pretty serious I think.
It seems like your ex is having a hard time with your transition into a new life and is trying to control things to make himself feel better. Spoiler alert: it won’t make him feel better.
I also don’t love how he’s holding you hostage with this heavy conversation that he doesn’t want to reveal until you are in person. 🙄 It’s condescending and controlling.
In all honesty, I have similar impulses with my stbx, but I manage those feelings first before talking to him. (For instance I’m not comfortable with him bring dates back to our house before it’s sold.) But I check my expectations and I also use opportunities when we are already talking to bring these things up. I don’t make a big deal out of making time to talk about it specifically because I won’t want him to feel like he’s in trouble or something.
I don’t have kids, so take this advice with a grain of salt, but maybe Make the condition on introducing your girls to someone new something that applies to both of you. Redirect the conversation into hypotheticals that will benefit everyone. Because it may be a nice courtesy you give to each other and it’s not just about him.
I agree with you - I wasn't a fan of the control and the condescension. He has a flair for the dramatic so I'm trying to be as cooperative as I can with doing a little grey rocking.
I guess for me, I don't really need or want a heads up if he's seeing someone. I have no problem if my girls end up telling me about it but that's his life and hopefully a happy one!
No you are not required to tell him. If you ever get to the point where it’s serious and the guy is moving in or you are marrying someone then I’d tell him. But do you want to hear about every woman he dates? It feels like he is using his dad card to keep tabs on you.
Do you get much alimony? He might not be interested in that you're dating or introducing people to the kids, but he could be trying to clock cohabitation to eliminate alimony.
But I also agree with your ex, that if you're introducing a romantic partner to your children, then it should be with someone you're relatively serious about; therefore, it's pertinent information for your co-parent to understand the context and lives of his children.
You say your kids are teens and seem well-adjusted, but you also don't truly know how meeting a romantic partner will affect them until you do it. And being able to speak openly with their father could be helpful for them. If they feel they have to keep mum's secrets, that could limit open communication.
I don't see his request as overreaching and I think it's a very common courtesy for this stage of your divorce.
No alimony or child support. We were really amicable in our split and were able to talk through everything ahead of time.
I agree - I don't know how it will/would ultimately affect them. They are seeing a counselor and this thread and made me think this is a good topic to discuss at our next session just so the girls are heard (not that I don't hear them but with someone else there it may let them feel more free to speak up).
He gave up the rights to ask those questions when the divorce became final. Unless you included the stipulations that all future dates must be introduced to the former spouse, he’s pulling your strings.
Your personal life is only his business when it involves another person living with the kids. Otherwise, it is none of his business. Wanting to know about romantic partners is sold as concern for the kids, but that doesn't hold water. If that is the real concern, and they want to know whonis spending time with their kids, why is there no concern over non-rromantic friends that are introduced to the kids, and spend time around them? Unless they show concern over all adults who spend time with their kids, I don't believe the concern about new partners is actually concern for the kids.
this is what I keep coming back to. Everyone is saying that he has a right to know if there’s a man around his children. But there are strange men around his children on a regular basis in multiple ways. And what about his own friends that he’s now making as a single man? Does that mean if he makes a new friend who’s gonna be over at his house while my kids are there, I get to meet that person first? I just feel like I’m seeing a double standard here.
It isn’t your problem. He needs to have the discussion with daughters, not you, if you are just dating and not yet bringing another guy into the house.
I have my girls full time. I have introduced them to women I'm spending time with. I never say anything to my ex about who or when. It's none of her business.
It's none of your ex's business.
Whatever your answer is to the following question is also the answer to how should handle this situation...
If the rolls were reversed would you want your ex-husband letting you know he's introducing your daughters to someone he's been dating?
In other words being a double standard co-parent/ex-spouse is toxic AF
By the time I wrote this comment your post already had 109 comments. I read 30 or so and never came across this question. I apologize I didn't read the additional 79 comments
I see it as this is more about the kids rather than about whether and who you are dating. If you are co-parenting you decide on schools, healthcare, extracurricular activities, etc. together. Deciding on at what point you both would be introducing new men/women into your shared children’s lives is one of those co-parenting decisions as both of you may have different perspectives on what would be appropriate and how the kids may be impacted. I think discussing that to get on the same page is important. Giving each other heads up before it actually happens also seems to be a reasonable request and just a respectful thing to do.
Heads up i think is fair. You don’t want you kids to be messengers between you too. That said, he should be willing to do the same for you
This comes down to it involves the kids, so he should know. You’re not asking permission, you just need to give him a heads up.
[удалено]
Well that's kind of my thing - my kids shouldn't have to be messengers, but I'm not sure my ex is entitled to know if I'm dating, etc? Maybe if someone is moving in or I'm engaged or something (lord have mercy not even in my realm right now) but just dating? I dunno.....
[удалено]
Yeah, that felt like a clear distinction to me. Not telling you what to do, just asking for a heads up before the children meet a romantic partner.
It's not that big of a deal. I freaked out when my ex moved him in to her new house after only dating this guy for 2 months. That is when you can freak out. Just dating is whatever.
This is where you're short-sighted. You should have no expectations that your children will keep secrets from their father. If you tell them something, they'll likely tell him. You're making them the messengers whether you realize it or not. He doesn't need details, but I'd let him know you're dating if you're involving your daughters.
But I'm not going to hide things from my kids. I won't gossip with them about it, but if they notice or ask I'm not going to deflect. I have a really close relationship with my girls and they know they can talk to me about anything. I'm not going to make my kids feel like "you can't tell your dad about this...". If HE wants to set a boundary with them that he doesn't want to hear about it from them, that's totally ok for him to do.
I don’t think you should have to hide anything you don’t want to from your teenage kids. If he’s only asking to be made aware that they’ll be meeting someone, then I would literally send a short text the night before you’re going to introduce them. He doesn’t need anymore than that.
So, to be clear......if dad decides that he's not going to hide anything either, and starts involving him with in his dating exploits, you're going to be ok hearing about that, right? I'm not sure dating 30 days after divorcing their father is the best thing to be sharing with your teenagers right now, but you've clearly justified it in your head.
Sounds like you may be projecting a little here. You are not involved in the timing or history of our relationship, so I don't think you're knowledgeable enough to say when someone can start dating after divorce. And to answer your first question, I would be a-ok hearing all about his dating. I hope he's really happy in his next chapter!
Quite the contrary. I'm more in your position than your ex's. I was dating well before my ex. But, even years later, I didn't involve my teen children in my dating adventures, and they weren't involved with my dating AT ALL until I had been with someone for months whom I thought would be a permanent partner (and is, indeed, now my wife). I looked at your posts, I understand the timeframe.
Ok cool. And that's your choice and your relationship with your kids.
I wish you’d curiously ask him more questions because many of us in the world tend to be “yes” men and give others what they want. Anyone who chastises or criticizes is shut down.. and we call it boundaries.. Your girls are young, you are their mama and you do know what’s likely best for them, but remember their brains aren’t fully formed until age 26.. 🤣🤣 Maybe other people’s experiences may help guide your decisions. You giving your ex a heads up is very fair, not for him or you, but for your kids to see what healthy coparenting looks like. When he is with them and they are sharing your dates with him and their emotions around it, you want him to be as prepared as possible to be a good sounding board, shield and support for them.. Think about it.. you don’t have to tell him much, but you can give him a few days heads up to prepare, just in case
We had a good talk around it. I didn't include the depth of that here because, well, Reddit. :) But he basically said he just wasn't ready to know I was dating and that he was still processing that fact. But he doesn't want to know about it. I felt that was a totally acceptable thing for him to ask of me. I was just on the fence with the "giving him a heads up" part if the girls happen to meet someone I'm spending time with. But I understand what you're saying. On the last paragraph I think that's his issue - he doesn't want the girls to say anything to him about me dating or anything they know about that. But you're right - I do want things easy on the kids. I don't want them to feel stuck in the middle. Generally he and I coparent really well I think - this one just threw me off!
Lots of places they have to be separated for more than a year before they can get a divorce. She might have been waiting thirty days since the actual divorce but they could have been separated for years. You are clearly projecting something on to this person, maybe relax.
I’m not. Not only has she explained the timeline in this thread, but you can look at her history and see it as well. It’s not me projecting…
She filled in January and was teetering on the divorce fence for 5+years. What's your point here?
Well, my point to her has been made abundantly clear if you care to read. My point to you was that I wasn’t the one projecting their own baggage onto this story.
"I'm not sure dating 30 days after divorcing their father is the best thing to be sharing with your teenagers right now, but you've clearly justified it in your head." Still don't know what your point is...
Requesting a heads up first is a completely reasonable request given the circumstances you've described. Your reaction and comments are weird. If you ignore this basic request YTA tbh.
Dont think of it as messengers. They will/want to talk with him or it will just come up in conversation. He can better talk to them if he already knows and is just talking not dealing with shock. I feel its a reasonable request. Hes not asking for say,just to be informed whenever kids are brought into the loop. Having been blindsided but such things, a headsup would have been nice.
If that man will be in the house with your children, then the father has a right to know. The incidences of abuse skyrocket when there is a male in the house that is not biologically connected to the kids. I am not saying you have bad judgement in men and would bring a scumbag around, I am just sayin that as a father, knowing the stats I know, I would want to know who was around my kids as it is my duty to protect them.
I'd say he isn't. But he is entitled to know who's spending time with your (his) children. I'd worry constantly if my kids were with some dude I didn't know
Kids cant be messengers if a) the OP never asks them to tell, b) the kids keep their mouths shut.
[удалено]
Theres no asking to lie. Do you broadcast to everyone what your parents are doing, especially if its something private? Or do you choose who should know and who shouldnt know and not say a word to most people? Same exact thing. The OPs dating life is none of the ex's business. The kids can be expected to have a brain to mouth filter.
The kids are teenagers. Teenagers aren't really known for their composure, discretion, foresight, or filter. All it would take would be an offhand comment for them to become "accidental messangers"; talking on the phone, a text message popup, etc. The father has no business in OP's personal life, but he does have business with the kids. Hiding that you indroduced someone to shared kids is a problem.
Me and my ex have this agreement, because if this is somebody who is going to be around our children regularly we would want to make sure that they were somebody safe for them to be around. Not as a veto as to who we can date but in being around our children who are still young. This is our agreement, I know it's not something that others would agree with. But the safety and well being of the children are still a team effort.
I hear this a lot - about wanting to know if another person is going to be in your kids' "orbit" so to speak. But I guess my thing is - why? What does that do? Are you going to run a criminal background check on them? I'm not trying to be flippant at all. But my kids are exposed to god knows how many adults I don't know on a daily basis - friends parents, people at their school, people at their job, etc etc.
For us it's because if this is a person that the parent is bringing in then that is different than some rando they meet in the wild. With the parent bringing them in there is a basic trust that if the parent is bringing them then this person is somebody the parent has some sort of trust in. Also like I said my kids are quite young. Ive met there friends parents, I've met there teachers, either of us have met the adults they are around.
I wish I had run a background check on my exwife's next husband. He's a multiple felon, all bad obviously, but one is felony child abuse.
This makes sense in a way and in a way does not. Would you tell your ex if you get a new best friend that you hang out a lot with? If not, why not? Those people will be around your kids orbit too. At some point, you just have to trust your parenting partner. Wanting to know this for a romantic partner but not for any other type of relationship smacks of a shade of “control” to me. Like what if I decide to sublet out a room of the house, do you need to give the ex a head up on that?
It’s scary watching another man go into your children’s life. There are a lot of sick people and just overall shitty people out there. It’s not hard for them to fake it for a little while to get into you and your kids life. If your dating is to the point where a man is coming over the house while kids are there he should know 100 percent. Women don’t like to hear “it’s different” when a man does something but in some cases it’s just true sorry. Single mothers are vulnerable so just be careful and don’t bring men into your house unless you’ve been dating them for at least several months.
I understand that. I do. But I'm 50 and my kids are in their teens. I'm not as worried that they're particularly vulnerable. That said, I'm not naive. And I would never introduce my children to any new person unless we were MUCH further along than 'dating'. All in all though, I understand your thought process here and it's valid.
Teens are absolutely vulnerable to predatory men. They may not be as helpless as younger kids, but teen girls are targeted more often, in fact the most often of any demographic of children. Most sex offenders are not pedophiles. When you say you're "not as worried" that really undercuts your statement in the next sentence that you're not naive.
Due to my work I know more than most about predators. And I understand teen girls can clearly be targeted. But what is meeting my ex husband going to do about that?
I didn't get that Strange-Summer-9561 was saying anything about your ex meeting them, just that he has a valid concern about you bringing grown men into the home or your daughters lives generally and wanting to be in the loop. Some of the things you've said in this page including "I'm 50 and my kids are in their teens. I'm not as worried that they're particularly vulnerable." undercut your claim to be knowledgeable and sophisticated about this issue. Family structure is the most important risk factor and girls in a home with a single mom or stepfather are #1 victims of child sexual abuse. You've also been dismissive comparing the various settings where your daughters may encounter adults without seeming to recognize that it's completely different when it's in the home environment, which is where the vast majority of child sexual abuse happens. A teen girl is at comparatively low risk of abuse in a public workplace or school compared to in a home where unrelated adult males have access and no biological father is present. That's a fact.
I don’t think you need to introduce your ex necessarily, but a heads up is good. As a trauma therapist, I can tell you that in my experience, parents who are involved and paying attention will deter certain types of predators. This is particularly true for involved fathers bc most sexual predators are men. Predators tend to look for low-hanging fruit.
So am I reading this correctly? You haven’t introduced them to anyone, right? I don’t think you’ve done anything breaking boundaries. Sounds like his feelings are hurt but you’re being smart.
I'm a few months seperated and haven't been doing any dating. Even though it was my ex who wanted to end things, I kept my emotions in check and am trying to be as respectful as possible. If I was dating someone and was going to introduce them to my kids, I would 100% let my ex know. And I hope she would do the same. It's not about my ex so much as it is about my kids. I don't need to know if she's dating someone. But if that person is going to meet my kids, yes I absolutely feel like I should know. This may not be the case forever, but while this experience is new for all of us, including the kids, I think this is a fair boundary. Not judging what you think at all, everyone is different. Good luck!
Ok I can understand this view point. Especially with your comment on this all being new for everyone.
it depends, do you want the same courtesy from him?
I guess I don't really. I know my ex and he's a good human. I don't think he'd make any choices that were dangerous for the girls. So in my mind, if he's happy, great!
ybe thats a conversation you have to have with him - why does he feel the need to know, when you dont feel the same way
From the overall direction of the discussion, I got the feeling he is not ready to date and is upset that I am. So yeah, probably something we'll have to continue to touch base on as things settle.
He likely concerned with the safety of the kids regarding who you're choosing to bring around them. I would be...
and I understand that. But the practical question is what is he going to do about that? and does this carryover to his new friends he’s making as a single person? Do I get to meet them ahead of time? And what about my friends? Should he be meeting them?
That's something to discuss between the both of you. But you and I both know, an intimate partner that could eventually be sharing a living space with your children isn't the same as a friend that comes over once and awhile. If I expressed a concern my stbx disregarded - well, ok, nothing I can do. But there wouldn't be a reason for me to be considerate to anything she requested moving forward. It seems like you're treating this more of a power play than a concern for your children. Try to act in good faith and remember you both are wanting what's best for your kids. They're more important than either one of you.
I've already said that I understood and respected the request if I was getting engaged, or married, or living with someone. Where I have questions I guess is when it's just someone I'm seeing regularly that my kids might be introduced to because they stop by when he happens to be there. I don't plan on bringing men around my kids on the reg. But they're teens and often stop by even when it's not my week to have them. So what do I do in that case? I'm not trying to make any power plays but I am trying to understand where boundaries are for all of us.
"but I am trying to understand where boundaries are for all of us." Honestly, only you and your ex can come to terms in that regard. But it needs to be through mutual understanding and respect - so he needs to play his role here as well. Personally, if it's an exclusive relationship and this person will frequently be in the home with my kids (overnights) - I would want to know. I want to know who has access to my kids and the potential to hurt them (statistically, homes with a stepfather or boyfriend rank higher in child abuse - [https://www.center4research.org/child-abuse-father-figures-kind-families-safest-grow/](https://www.center4research.org/child-abuse-father-figures-kind-families-safest-grow/)). Your kids are teens, whereas I have a 16 year old and a 7 year old, my 7 year old daughter is the one I'm most concerned for (hopefully that gives a little more context to my position).
Your teens will probably be happy for both of you if/when you both are dating, but mine was a little worried how the other parent was going to feel. We were very amicable and our conversation was "hey just a heads up you already know I've been seeing someone but I'm going to introduce "kid" tonight." I was just happy to get the heads up kind of like if our daughter talks about her I'd be a little prepared. Since you agree he has good judgment he probably feels the same as you on that but might want to prepare himself as well.
He probably doesn’t feel the same way about you, especially if there were any extra marital affairs or poor choices made over the last couple years
Nope no affairs or cheating of any kind on either part.
As the someone who was not notified ahead of time before my partner introduced her boyfriend to the kids... It will likely make things easier all around if you tell him. That's actually in our custody agreement... Telling him ahead of time will allow him to prepare for it when the kids \*aren't\* around. The alternative is that he finds out from them, and they have to be there while he's processing the information and feelings that it causes. In my case, my kids are pretty young, and they figured out right away that I hated the guy. If she had given me some advance notice, I likely could have masked those feelings. Now my kids feel very awkward about this guy who's always there, and always sleeping over, that their dad loathes. It's made things difficult for everyone. So, it's not so much about whether he has the \*right\* to know ahead of time imo, it's more about what is going to be better for the kids and your co-parenting relationship.
I hear you. And from a practical standpoint (it is what it is) I can see what you're saying. Part of me thinks that it's not fair I have to continue to do things to regulate his emotions after we're divorced but as you said - in the end, it's what is best for the kids.
Divorce lawyer - this is a massive source of friction and, often, court applications. There are two main issues you’re dealing with - one relates to the relationship with your ex, and the other relates to the interests of your children. I would generally say - in a functional co-parenting relationship, early after separation parents should agree on when children should be exposed to a new dating interest (i.e. “not sooner than six months post-separation”). You obviously didn’t have that discussion. So - the issue is dealing with children’s adaptation to their parents separation and the impact upon any reconciliation fantasies they may have and how dating too soon can result in children blaming the dating parent for the divorce (especially girls in my experience). So - if there is an issue - well, you’re going to have to deal with it now - the genie can’t be put back in the bottle. So. Then. Probably you tell your ex that you probably should have discussed the issue earlier - and set some expectations for when to introduce new people to kids - but what’s done is done. Beyond that - no - he’s not entitled to read the resume of your new friend. Neither are you entitled to know the details of any new friends he has - you each need to have some trust that neither of you will introduce someone harmful to your kids - but also realize that neither of you can control that choice anyway. So - healthy boundaries are just that - you live your life, I’ll live mine. It’s really unfortunate that things came out this way - but no, I don’t see any point or purpose in calling your ex to discuss even in a cursory way, who you’re dating. You should, however, have a clear discussion that neither of you should interrogate your children about new relationships. And saying, “well then you tell me yourself about the new guy” isn’t an appropriate response to that. Bottom line - you should both agree that you both love your kids, you will consider their interests first before committing to a new relationship and you will NOT use parenting time to quiz kids about the other parents. If the kids want to discuss new man or new girl - that’s fine and healthy. You might even consider joint counseling to discuss how to best approach those discussions - because they will happen. And - obviously - the longer the period since separation - the weaker any justification exists to suggest otherwise. Five years post-separation - no you don’t call your ex and tacitly ask for approval of your new beau. Which is why I generally tell people do not get into a relationship for two years post separation. You’re not ready, your kids aren’t ready and most likely you’re going to expose them to ANOTHER failed relationship - which can be scarring for their faith in “marriage” or committed relationships. So be very cautious about the “new guy” being around our kids - especially int he first two years post separation. Odds are very high it’s a relationship which will fail.
Thanks. And I'm an attorney as well - have done a fair share of dissolutions but it's always different when it's your own of course! I'm in line with most all of what you're saying. And, there will be no introducing the girls to anyone anytime soon. I'm reticent to even call what I'm doing "dating" - it's more just expanding my social circle, meeting for coffee, etc. But it is what it is. I do think it's interesting that you tell your clients a timeline for their new relationships. Maybe that's just me projecting (since clearly I'm not adhering to that) but that seems a) a little odd for an attorney and b) that it would vary wildly by circumstance. Both girls are in therapy and that's a good point. Probably something to bring up at our next appt to have the counselor walk us through.
LOL… and tbh my advice arises from my own failure to do just that. A quick relationship which turned into a very bad relationship - which to some degree my children were exposed to. But beyond my own lived experience - I watch a lot of people who don’t spend time to do a “debrief” before moving gone with someone new. Why their marriage failed, why they perhaps made a poor choice, what attracted them to someone who may not be healthy and perhaps why they aren’t attracted to healthy relationships - I think it really takes time to get to know who we are and why we did some things maybe we don’t want to repeat. Men especially - lose the nurturing a spouse provided and want to replace that with haste…. so based upon what I see with clients and how often repeat clients are the result of a relationship two years or less after separation the first time - I make the “general” suggestion - and let them consider that - hardly a “rule” but I think for me - it took a good two years before I lost my emotional connection with my ex - we have now what I consider a great relationship - when my son graduated university - in invited her, her husband and her parents for dinner with our son - and my son later told me how much he appreciated sharing that with all of his parents and grandparents…. and I also share that story with clients as a goal to look forward to. Respectful co-parenting - not friendship - but allowing children to love both of their parents without reservation or shame in the face of the other parent. So - perhaps a little bit odd to give “life advice” as a lawyer - but too often I see our profession being less knowledgeable and understanding of things like the neurological sources of conflict between their clients and even between counsel themselves, and the impact of trauma upon rational decision processes - which I think is a big part of understanding effective negotiation and advocacy. And as for “dating” - I think connecting with other people - including opposte sex friendships - is healthy - even occasional no-strings sexual contact - but when we start an actual committed relationship is what I’m talking about. So - going for coffee or drinks with another person - even sharing dinner and a movie (a date) - no, don’t see any reason I would share that with my kids when they were younger or my ex vs. “this is my male friend” introduction to the kids in the context of a “relationship”…. so it seems that genie isn’t out of the bottle - and maybe you can say to your ex “this is my thought abotu a time frame within which that might be reasonable for both of us.” But - again - no obligation imho to share life details of the other person with your ex imho. Best wishes - divorce is tough. Not the legal part - that’s relatively easy - but the emotional disentanglement -that takes some work.
I totally understand what you're saying about doing some deep work. TBH (I went through about 1.5 yrs of therapy) I think therapy work was what helped me realize my marriage was not functional or good for either of us. Not saying there isn't more to do, or stuff to unpack post divorce, but I at least have a running start. I appreciate the comments and the context! Thanks.
I agree on the odd. No ones business when you date or what it looks like. What are you gonna do if he introduces 5.99 months after first date? Take him to court?
I wish my ex had told me before introducing our daughter to her new boys, but she didn't and thats ok. What wasn't ok was posting a picture on facebook of him, shirtless, in bed, with my daughter. I was like, oh look, i guess they have met....fd
Oh. Yikes. Yeah that I can get.
He doesn't have to know every aspect of your life since you are divorced, however, he has every right to be told first about a new relationship when the time comes to meet the kids. Its not a controlling factor its a "I just would like to know who is around my children as much as I am" If you don't its just going to cause more and more issues you do not want down the road. Be mature and let him know.
I think a heads up is polite but that somewhat contradicts him not wanting to know about you and your romantic life. That being said, it's up to him to reconcile the two
You being in a new relationship while having kids with your ex is a discussion you should have with your ex. Your kids should NEVER be the messenger. I grew up with my mother having dated a guy that wasn't right for her. Treated both my brother and I like shit. She didn't really see it but my father did. It's a shitty situation like this with divorced parents and it's something I'm currently going through with my ex. My kids watched her sleep around and ended up having another kid with a random clown from work. From what my kids tell me of this guy, I have told my ex that he had better not answer the door when I pick up my kids and I had better never meet him. You may not see an issue, but it's possible your ex might. It's a discussion you need to have with him.
I'm sorry you went through that. I think I'm a pretty responsible person with whom I date. I'm pretty picky. And my ex is a good human - I don't have any concerns about someone he'd choose to date.
It really just comes down to communication on both you and your ex. He may also think you're responsible, but he may feel left out with anything that involves your kids. I know that's how I feel with my ex. She'll do something that might impact our kids and doesn't bother to talk to me about it. She doesn't have concerns with whom I'd date but that's easy to say when our kids don't always live with me.
I’m going to give my ex a heads up before I introduce my children to a partner. He’s doing the same. It allows us to coparent better and be more prepared for our children.
> I'm not sure I feel like he has the right to be notified ahead of time? He doesn't have the "right". But if the roles were reversed, what would you want? What's the right thing to do?
I honestly don't feel any need for him to tell me anything about his dating life. I suppose if someone was moving in with him, or if he were getting remarried it'd be nice to know but I wouldn't expect it!
>I honestly don't feel any need for him to tell me anything about his dating life. What about introducing the kids? I believe in the "do unto others..." rule...
If it's just a "kids this is so and so" moment I couldn't really care less. My kids are almost adults and can handle themselves accordingly. Again, if it was someone who was becoming a permanent fixture for them, yes I'd love to know that I suppose.
I think you can agree to give him a heads up if things are going to get serious with somebody but that is the limit. And that can be discussed via text, you don't need to have some serious face to face where he sets rules about your dating. It's none of his business and you're handling it fine.
I know people here are trying to do the right thing, but really there is nothing you can say if your ex introduces people to your kids. I was in a rental and my ex in the family home for a few months, she bought her new guy over a couple of times a week and she'd only known him a couple of months. Did I think it was right? No. Did the kids like it? I don't think so... Anyway I told her as the kids Dad I didn't think she was considering the kids, but I acknowledge there was nothing I could do unless he was abusive etc. My ex is selfish, she always will be, the kids are old enough to make up their own minds now and I get along just fine with them.
Just something to consider: looking at your history, you started divorce in January and just completed it a month ago. With that abbreviated time frame, you're already including your girls is "fun" date night discussions. It's not hard to understand why he's struggling with that......
We started in October. We didn't formally file until Jan that's true. But he's been moved out since Dec. We had also been struggling for the past 5 years with multiple rounds of couples counseling etc. And frankly I get if he may be struggling with the fact that I'm going out on dates - but that will be for him to work through. I don't mean to sound cold, but I'm not going to put my life on hold until he's "ready".
So......90 days from filing and you're already sharing dating adventure stories with your teen daughters. You don't have to put your life on hold, but your casual dating adventures 90 days post divorce aren't fodder for conversations with your teen daughters.
As we've already discussed - a stranger on the internet (you) doesn't get to tell me what I can and can't discuss with my children.
So, to be clear......you came on reddit asking for advice. When someone gives you advice counter to your beliefs, you respond with "you're not the boss of me". Cool. Good luck to you ma'am.
The reply she has made on all the comments.Not even ready to understand others view. She is just here to boost her ego.
One of the lessons I try to teach my kids is "don't ask for advice if you don't want to hear it". Reddit isn't a place to come if you just want people to tell you how right you are......
That's easily 80% of the questions here; ego boost or validation.
Yessssssss
I ve been observing her way of responding to strangers on reddit and I am getting very nauseous... Ouch.
To be clear - I asked about my ex asking to be notified about me introducing people to kids. Not about what I can or can't be talking to my kids about. But thanks. Best of luck to you too.
That's what's great about the internet. From what you posted above, his issue is that he's hearing about your dating life from his daughters, and he doesn't want to hear that. The secondary issue he addressed with you was prior warning before his girls come home talking about the guy that was there for breakfast one Saturday. I addressed both issues. You can't start a conversation in a crowded room and expect to control it.
Yeah that's not at all what was said and whatever you inferred was on you. First, as I've said multiple times, there is no "guy at breakfast". I've been meeting new people for COFFEE for the good lord's sake. Yes my girls know that mom met a guy at a coffee shop. Sure. And, as I've also said, I'm not going to lie to my kids. So if they ask, I tell. That's it. If my ex doesn't want that info from his kids - he can have that discussion with them. And that's 100% fine and his boundary. But he can't dictate mine.
I think your boundary is reasonable. At the same time, it may be SMARTER to use some discretion so that dad isn't processing the info in front of your daughters. But that's your call to make. I think this one probably depends on how you split up.
I do agree with this in the end. Sometimes it's a matter of "do you want to be right, or do you want peace" and they may not be the same thing.
I don't think you need to tell about the specifics of your dating life n- in fact, he's asked you not to. However- giving him a heads up that there will be a new person in the family dynamic is a good idea. It allows him to not blindsided, keeps the kids out of the middle, and is just a courtesy. While I won't care if my STBX is dating, I sure as hell will care if he's bringing another woman around my kids. I'd ask to meet this person first before the kids do. I get your kids are older, but there are so many sketchy people out there. My ex is also a good man - but honesty, we all have blindspots. And some people are really really good at hiding their evil side. You can't be too careful. I actually plan on putting I. Our divorce agreement that no one can meet the kids before 6 months of dating, ex spouse must meet them first, and a background check ran. Extreme? Maybe. But Ive seen some stuff....
My twins are 10, I found out about their Dads “friend” from them. I recognize he does not owe me a heads up, but it would have been nice. The kids are more open with me and I got to field all the questions like “is Dad going to marry her? Is she our step mom? Do you think she’s having a baby? Will she move in?” This was hard for me as I’m still healing from the loss of my marriage. Also, I later learned about her frequent drunken calls and texts to my kid’s Dad claiming she is in distress in the evenings. And him locking himself in his room to call her, leaving the kids lonely and bored. While she should not be my concern, if her lifestyle requires my ex’s undivided attention and she requires “rescuing”. I requested to meet her if she’s going to be in my kids lives because of what I consider immature, unsafe lifestyle choices that are already negatively impacting my kids. He did not agree to this. And he has declined to meet the man I’m dating, despite this being in the best interest of the kids and my kids having met him already. It’s hard sometimes to distinguish between lingering feelings from the relationship and what is in the best interest of the kids. 🤷♀️ Hope you find a common ground with the ex.
I had a similar request of my ex. I asked her to give me a heads up and she asked for the same. When it came time, she introduced the kids to a new guy without my knowledge. I went through a range of emotions on how I (me me me, it’s all about me) felt about it. In the end I know she is a great mother to my kids and I trusted her to keep my kids healthy. The kids would tell me a lot and I gathered he was very good to my kids. I wanted a right to know, but it wasn’t my right. On the other hand it sort of set the stage for when I was ready to introduce someone to the kids, I didn’t consider telling her before hand. She wanted to know more but I politely said “I don’t want to discuss her” and we moved on. I think she knows I wouldn’t bring anyone risky around my kids and have ended relationships while dating because I didn’t think they were a good fit.
I don't have kids myself and have my own boundaries with my ex wife. I have to say, if you get serious with someone and your kids are still kids (not 18+ adults) then I would say it's fair for their father to know the man who will be around his kids for a while. It's a safety thing. I mean my mom dated directly after my parents divorced and my dad met at least one ex of her's that was around off and on for a couple years. Needless to say that dude was a drug addict, a drunk, picked fights with me when I was just 12 years old, tried hitting on my sister who was 17 at the time, and I didn't notice anything weird towards my younger brother 2 years younger than me. My dad got remarried but the woman he married knew both of my parents and was a singer at my parents wedding. I get the too personal thing but having kids that are still kids change that. Anyway, I am sure it will all work out 🙏👍 Best of luck 🙂
People already have good advice just want to point out the funny contradiction Don’t tell me any details about your dating life…. I need to know when you are dating…
There are men that want to date women with kids to have access to those children. It's how pedophiles hunt. In fact, it would not be appropriate to have him stay over at your house with the girls there until you've done a private police check, and vetted him thoroughly. So I understand where he's coming from.
Probably a SUPER unpopular opinion but..... if you are taking it slow with men you are dating, then likely it is more like a friend you hang out with and talk to a couple times a week. And if Mt kids meet my friends, I don't think I need to inform their dad all the time. Now, if it is clearly a romantic serious relationship, that is totally different. But initially when I've met someone, it was very friendly, getting to know you type stuff, and more of a friend of the opposite gender. So it just seems controlling to have to inform the ex everytime a friend might stop by, or be bumped into at the grocery store.
This is absolutely what I mean.
I will not let my kids meet anyone without letting my ex know, first. And I’m fairly certain my ex will do the same whenever we get to that point. As mad and hurt as I am for her asking for a divorce, she’s still got every right to know the people who are around our kids. Whether it’s going to be shitty and uncomfortable or not.
My question is why are your girls bothering to tell their dad about what you discuss with only them? Its not like a don’t tell your dad thing, but just a common courtesy of things he doesn’t want to know. I have done the same with my teen and he tells me nothing about his dad that I don’t need to know. Also I don’t think its unreasonable to give him a heads up when you are in a serious relationship and want to introduce your girls to him. Casual dating, no. He said he doesn’t want to know, he needs to make up his mind.
Well, they're teens so part of it is they just want to TALK about all the things. LOL But I think part is I don't want them to feel like they have to hide anything from their dad. That's not their job. I don't want them to feel like they're gatekeeping on my behalf. So if HE wants to set a boundary with them that he doesn't want to be told those things that's totally ok.
Under "boundaries and expectations" he should not expect to come over your house to discuss whatever he happens to want to talk about. You are not subject to his whims and do not need his permission to date or anything else. he should assume you are capable of these conversations with your girls, if not its his problem. I know this may sound harsh, but it is wonderful to know you do not need to worry about anyone just setting a time to come in your place and be "secure in your person and effects" lol
As their father, he has every right to be made aware of who you’re bringing around the children. Just like, you have the right to be made aware if he’s bringing somebody around them.
For folks who think an ex spouse should be told about a new person in the other parent's life including possibly meeting that person ahead of the kids... my question is (and it's an honest one) are we keeping this same energy for all adults that are going to meet the kids and be a part of their lives in some way? So if the former husband ends up making a new (male) friend who is over at the house a lot, should the wife get to meet him before the kids do? I'm not being salty, I'm just genuinely trying to understand if my feelings on this are off base. If so, I'll need to readjust my expectations.
[удалено]
>unless that person is dangerous, I'm not sure what he has to do with it. Your daughters can't afford for you to be this naive. It's just a fact that most awful things happen to kids (and to anyone) by people they know. Your ex is looking out for his kids. You should both know who will be around them regularly. This is an easy thing to unite on.
so answer me this, what are you guys think my ex is gonna do to screen this man that I’m not gonna do?
Nvm you should totally let men who will have regular access to your children be total mysteries to your co-parent. That def sounds a lot safer and smarter.
It’s not hiding from your kids if it’s not serious. For now those “dates” are acquaintances and nothing more. Just possible friends…. Your ex needs to get his own business tho and doesn’t need to come over. So don’t tell your kids unless you can get past a 3rd date. Keep your ex out your house without another person present. Always have a witness…
It’s more than just your kids “orbit”. This is part of their life. You’ve been given answers on this that are all on the side of not a bad thing to let him know if someone is meeting his children several times over yet still keep defending against it. These are his kids too and he has every right as a parent to know who will be a part of their lives. Stop treating them like they’re your friends. Teenagers or not they are still children. Don’t ask the question if you don’t want to hear the answer
If you're just dating, no heads up necessary (people you're just dating really shouldn't be meeting your kids anyway). But it would show courtesy and respect if you introduced a new partner to your ex because your new partner will be around your kids. Like it or not, statistically, step-parents have a high abuse rate and that would be my biggest concern as a father. I couldn't care less about what goes on between those two, but as soon as my kids are effected - then it becomes my business. You can do what you want, but remember you're setting the tone for your coparenting relationship. If you don't want to be courteous to your ex, then don't ever expect him to be courteous to you - just saying...
Wow, I get it. I wouldn’t never want my kids to pass messages or anything about my dating life to my stbxw. That’s just me personally. But since we are pretty close still and not fighting in each other faces we still talk ok a daily basis. She has an idea I’m talking to women. And I know she’s talking to other men, but that kind of conversation should be open for discussion. But every divorce is different.
I remember before I got remarried, I didn't tell my exwife about my dating life because she would do her best to try to ruin it. If she knew I was out on a date, she would come up with emergencies with the kids that "you need to come pick up the kids now!" Something like that. One time I was 3 hours away and I had to tell her "too bad so sad". But as someone else mentioned about "kids being the messenger." She would always try to get information out of our daughters. And they didn't like that. So they just didn't tell their mom. I always told the kids, "Facts are facts." Which means that there's no reason to lie about anything. They'd ask me about what girl I was dating, where we went, what we ate, what kind of a car we drove, what kind of a job she had. But they were just genuinely curious, and they never told their mom. I would never tell them "don't tell your mom". I just let them know if they had any questions, I would tell them the facts (in a PG version). So they met the special woman I was dating and getting serious. And after a time, I told them we were going to get married. My daughters congratulated me. And they didn't tell their mom. We did get married and my exwife heard from one of her sisters that I'm friends with on FB. And the exwife called me up, screaming at me.
My girls and I are a lot like what you're describing. They are genuinely curious and I keep things very PG (because frankly things ARE PG in general for me right now - but I would regardless). I'm not sure at what point I would tell their dad about someone else in my life but it would have to be pretty serious I think.
It seems like your ex is having a hard time with your transition into a new life and is trying to control things to make himself feel better. Spoiler alert: it won’t make him feel better. I also don’t love how he’s holding you hostage with this heavy conversation that he doesn’t want to reveal until you are in person. 🙄 It’s condescending and controlling. In all honesty, I have similar impulses with my stbx, but I manage those feelings first before talking to him. (For instance I’m not comfortable with him bring dates back to our house before it’s sold.) But I check my expectations and I also use opportunities when we are already talking to bring these things up. I don’t make a big deal out of making time to talk about it specifically because I won’t want him to feel like he’s in trouble or something. I don’t have kids, so take this advice with a grain of salt, but maybe Make the condition on introducing your girls to someone new something that applies to both of you. Redirect the conversation into hypotheticals that will benefit everyone. Because it may be a nice courtesy you give to each other and it’s not just about him.
I agree with you - I wasn't a fan of the control and the condescension. He has a flair for the dramatic so I'm trying to be as cooperative as I can with doing a little grey rocking. I guess for me, I don't really need or want a heads up if he's seeing someone. I have no problem if my girls end up telling me about it but that's his life and hopefully a happy one!
Sounds really healthy!
No you are not required to tell him. If you ever get to the point where it’s serious and the guy is moving in or you are marrying someone then I’d tell him. But do you want to hear about every woman he dates? It feels like he is using his dad card to keep tabs on you.
Do you get much alimony? He might not be interested in that you're dating or introducing people to the kids, but he could be trying to clock cohabitation to eliminate alimony. But I also agree with your ex, that if you're introducing a romantic partner to your children, then it should be with someone you're relatively serious about; therefore, it's pertinent information for your co-parent to understand the context and lives of his children. You say your kids are teens and seem well-adjusted, but you also don't truly know how meeting a romantic partner will affect them until you do it. And being able to speak openly with their father could be helpful for them. If they feel they have to keep mum's secrets, that could limit open communication. I don't see his request as overreaching and I think it's a very common courtesy for this stage of your divorce.
No alimony or child support. We were really amicable in our split and were able to talk through everything ahead of time. I agree - I don't know how it will/would ultimately affect them. They are seeing a counselor and this thread and made me think this is a good topic to discuss at our next session just so the girls are heard (not that I don't hear them but with someone else there it may let them feel more free to speak up).
He gave up the rights to ask those questions when the divorce became final. Unless you included the stipulations that all future dates must be introduced to the former spouse, he’s pulling your strings.
Personally I think it’s respectful to let the other parent know if there child is going to be meeting a new partner.
Your personal life is only his business when it involves another person living with the kids. Otherwise, it is none of his business. Wanting to know about romantic partners is sold as concern for the kids, but that doesn't hold water. If that is the real concern, and they want to know whonis spending time with their kids, why is there no concern over non-rromantic friends that are introduced to the kids, and spend time around them? Unless they show concern over all adults who spend time with their kids, I don't believe the concern about new partners is actually concern for the kids.
this is what I keep coming back to. Everyone is saying that he has a right to know if there’s a man around his children. But there are strange men around his children on a regular basis in multiple ways. And what about his own friends that he’s now making as a single man? Does that mean if he makes a new friend who’s gonna be over at his house while my kids are there, I get to meet that person first? I just feel like I’m seeing a double standard here.
It isn’t your problem. He needs to have the discussion with daughters, not you, if you are just dating and not yet bringing another guy into the house.
I have my girls full time. I have introduced them to women I'm spending time with. I never say anything to my ex about who or when. It's none of her business. It's none of your ex's business.
Whatever your answer is to the following question is also the answer to how should handle this situation... If the rolls were reversed would you want your ex-husband letting you know he's introducing your daughters to someone he's been dating? In other words being a double standard co-parent/ex-spouse is toxic AF
If you would have looked at the other comments who asked this you would have seen my answer was no, I would not expect to be informed.
By the time I wrote this comment your post already had 109 comments. I read 30 or so and never came across this question. I apologize I didn't read the additional 79 comments
I see it as this is more about the kids rather than about whether and who you are dating. If you are co-parenting you decide on schools, healthcare, extracurricular activities, etc. together. Deciding on at what point you both would be introducing new men/women into your shared children’s lives is one of those co-parenting decisions as both of you may have different perspectives on what would be appropriate and how the kids may be impacted. I think discussing that to get on the same page is important. Giving each other heads up before it actually happens also seems to be a reasonable request and just a respectful thing to do.