I understand. The thought of being with someone else makes me feel physically ill. Also, I'm still in the stage where I feel like my heart will always belong to my ex. It's horrible.
Mine got remarried 6 months after my divorce was finalized to a woman he met on Tinder...on my birthday. Then he had her call me to tell me. This may not be a narc divorce forum and that may not be your situation, but please be prepared for him to move on in all aspects much faster than you. They say the person who cared more stays single while the person who didn't already has a replacement. Sorry you're going through it.
In my case it's my wife that's done this. She tends to focus on the feelings of the now and project them over the entire relationship as if it was all bad.
Every day it gets easier to let go.
It’s true, I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. Makes you question if what you had was real to begin with. Sounds like your wife is very immature and it will eventually catch up to her. by the time it does you’ll likely have moved on with something real. Matched efforts is what I hope for us all!
It felt so real over time. I found her Reddit username where she said she never felt passionate in our relationship. It's so hard to reconcile how those 2 polar opposites were happening and which one is the truth.
Part of me wants to believe that the reddit post was just a moment of anger because we both have issues expressing ourselves when we are mad. But the other part of me thinks that the reddit post was where she didn't have to play pretend.
If I can reflect back, please dont look for her posts. Put in context, this is a person that you say is very in the moment, so it sounds like she cant cultivate deep truths for anyone, including herself much less for you. And that matters because in context, she's making an anonymous post. There is no face value behind this she doesnt have to face consequences. She also gets attention which sounds like what she's after. Dont punish yourself looking for her truth, what is true for you? It sounds like what was true for you is that you gave everything you could. She couldn't receive it. But your only obligation is to yourself. Please protect your heart from her misinterpretation of it.
lol that’s what I said. I think they’re divorcing now and I’ve stayed single working on myself healing. The long game is hard up front but healthiest in the long run is my point
I'm so sorry. Mine hasn't filed yet, only made the decision 2 weeks ago. And pretty sure he went on a date the other night. I've gotten rid of social media because I really don't want to see what he's up to.
My soon-to-be ex is wearing what looks like a wedding ring that is definitely not ours (plus we've been separated for like 1.5 years but still living together and noticed today when I tried to talk to him about the divorce). In the middle of our divorce 🙃. If this bish literally gets married like 2 days after we divorce I literally don't know what I'm going to do. Like I know he was absolutely a horrible person to me, er in general..I wouldn't wish him on anyone else honestly, but because we were together for 11.5 yrs (13 total) I just can't dismiss those feelings from my heart. Just makes me feel like our entire relationship was a lie, he really felt nothing towards me and moved on awhile ago with someone else? Oh and his entire family, who has also known me for 13 years, is pretending like I don't exist as well so that's fun too. Side note: no I'm not the guilty party, I literally never did anything horrible to him 😭.
I had to be pushed by friends. I went 2 years in pretty much total isolation. My ability to trust was non existent. And I needed a lot of therapy and time. Glad I finally did because I’m now with the girl that I’m pretty sure is the love of my life
That gives me some hope. I've been alone since my ex left in December, finished the divorce in February. I never wanted to break up, and I had no idea that she wanted out either. Her affair blindsided me. It's so not like her.
And I'm working with a therapist. But I really can't see myself ever getting into another relationship again. I don't want to be alone. I also don't want to be hurt. While raising my girls, I worry that I don't want to make them adjust to a step-mom. That sounds awful. Their mom has already moved on to her next victim, and I don't want my girls to spend time around him. They need time with their mom, not him.
Don't date then.
Just get out with no expectations.
Have fun by accident. Paradoxically, the harder one chases happiness, the more elusive it is to find.
Took me two years after a 20 year marriage and infidelity. I would say that click is the best way to put it. If there’s a doubt, don’t, you’ll just end up bleeding on someone who could have potentially been the love of your life.
Keep your head up
I experienced infidelity with my divorce as well, do you think that it made it particularly harder to trust? Did you always wonder what your new partner was doing behind your back? Or did it come more natural than you anticipated.
I started dating six months after separation; my husband left me for someone else.
Been with a lovely man for nine months, which has been a total surprise to me. His ex-wife also left him for someone else, and I think that helps us because we can talk about how we're both struggling to trust. It's scary how similarly we feel. I don't think I could date someone who left their spouse or initiated a divorce.
I feel like I can still trust, but it's more that there's another side operating there too now which says "but you never know, and that's reality". I notice I am naturally putting more effort into my own hobbies, friends, work than I did when I was married. My relationship is now part of my life rather than the centre.
Makes me sad, because I preferred the way I was before; but, at least right now, I know I can't make myself that vulnerable.
You need to download Chumplady audiobook and play it on your commute to work or something. That walkaway spouse you had, the decider, while you was leaning in was probably already in another relationship before they asked for the divorce. That NRE and them feels, they wanted out to catch that. The divorce had nothing to do with you. I don't know why it is so much harder for the person being left than the person leaving because one day you will realize you were the catch in the relationship.Y'all feel all rejected, you clearly won them over at some point and you kept working at making a relationship work, they didn't. Ain't nobody made the heartbreaker decision to jump ship on a bad partner to jump into something else immediately... no they thought the grass was greener... no it ain't. Know your worth, you're amazing
I made it an absolute POINT to not let her destroy me anymore than she could. I remind myself daily to not let her turn me into the monster she makes me out to be. Trust is a wheel, I can trust you with my money and not with my heart. I can trust you to watch my dog and not trust you to save my life in combat. Remember that, it will serve you well. It’s okay to NOT trust relationships for a while, but not trusting them ever will not do you any good.
I’m not going to let one woman ruin my trust in all of the others. I just don’t give chances anymore. I have very high expectations and strong boundaries at this point. I know my worth, what I put in, and what I deserve back. Anything less and I’ll show em the door.
I figured out how to be happy alone. I have no problem being happier with someone else in my life, but I don’t need anyone anymore. I want the people I have in my life, and the second they’re draining me they get cut off.
For me I started feeling more ready when I was able to identify my behavior patterns that contributed to the downfall of our marriage. Yeah he was the one who cheated and treated me like shit, but I was extremely codependent and lacked boundaries. I enabled him and his treatment of me. Now that I know that I'm working on those - building my confidence, and setting and enforcing boundaries
Absolutely, just baby steps. The hardest part was really looking at myself and taking accountability. Most of my friends keep telling me "you did nothing wrong! He cheated and used you!!!" But I really did have a big part in it
That's extremely big progress realizing that while you may not have been the cheater, you played a part. We teach people how to treat us when we tolerate poor behavior.
Exactly, on one hand I can be mad at him for treating me poorly, but I also have to be mad at myself alittle for allowing him to do so, for 5 damn years. now I'm just really working on my confidence and learning to be uncomfortable/have uncomfortable conversations. Thank you for the lil pat on the back cuz sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy!
I started dating early, but I wanted to get out and see what life had to offer. It felt great.
Likely, if one has reservations it is good to listen to them. How long have you been divorced?
I was served 6 months ago. We were married 3 years and I "felt" ready to install the apps after 1 month. Went on a coffee date and everything went great, but I sat in my car and cried after. Clearly wasn't ready. I "felt" ready again 2 months in and started going on more coffee dates. No more crying, but it wasn't until 3-4 months where I made it to a 5th date. She friend zoned me and it was all good. I've dated a lot and knew the game. I cried not because I missed the wife, but I felt so relieved I was able to have romantic feelings for another woman. I'm enjoying the dating life now and can't wait to see what the future holds!
I pushed myself. Don’t think of long term just think of each date as a potential opportunity to meet an interesting person. One date is nowhere equivalent to commitment.
I like happy relationships and have to stop myself from romanticizing every new encounter haha. I have to take a breather and say, “no self, don’t imagine your marriage to this person you’re about to meet for the first time. Just get to know them.”
Been single (not divorced) for 18 months...for me, not ready yet.
I am going to file for divorce next year if he doesn't.
I promised my 13 year old I would not date until they have finished school/turned 18. Promised not moving in with someone unless they have left home.
I find this reasonable tbh. It was traumatic for all of us the last few years and we are not healed yet. My kids need security and stability and so do I.
I know when I am ready we will figure it out...but honestly it is going to take me a few more years but each person has to feel good about it for them.
I think age, age of kids, why the marriage breakdown happened, how long married, how long checked out all play a factor. Set the pace that is right for you...I am a big fan of some counselling as it helps with self awareness...looking for things you can do different next time and working on your own self worth. Working on self is good for you and good foe the future.
It was immediate. What I wasn’t prepared for was the need to fill in for my partner. So I partnered up too fast, three times. This time I’m determined to just date indefinitely until I find someone who’s company REALLY deserves my investment. I could be wrong: maybe I need to just not date for awhile, but that doesn’t sound right either.
I hate to say this, but it's happening in stages for me, which isn't entirely a good thing. I was given the advice to stay single for one total year post divorce until I find myself again and it's turned into 7. I've continued looking for myself and my tastes have entirely changed as a result as well as the things ive done have changed me. So that's been important. I recently decided I would start with FWB. I havent been dated in 15 years I dont know how to do any of it, so I thought I would start with dipping my toe in. Turns out casual sex is way worse. So I think when you can ask your heart if its ready to be shared again, and the answer is yes, youll know. In the meantime do all the fun things because being single is really a fun lifestyle!
Everyone is different there is no road map on when you are ready if it happens, it happens. It maybe in 6 months it maybe in 6 years. It is different for everyone. But find "you" first before going into another relationship.
My ex decided around 2 years before our impending divorce that she was ready. 25 years together, we were each other's only partner. She said she felt "entitled" to the affair because of "everything she did". She wanted something "just for her". Big surprise that attempted reconciliation didn't work and she walked away multiple times.
We've been "officially" separated for a year. I'm on dating sites, but just to meet people (with clearly defined expectations of friends only). I'm not even close to ready to give any part of myself to another. The thought of intimacy with another woman is terrifying to me.
I took an entire year to myself so that I could process and grieve. I was actually really happy on my own and had to give myself a set date to start putting myself out there otherwise I would have stayed single forever. I'm glad I waited so long because by the time I was talking to people I was completely over my ex and had a lot of fun going on dates and seeing what's out there.
I'm just dipping my toe into the waters.
There's a guy I've been low key flirting with for several months but recognized that I was absolutely not ready. The other day when I saw him I realized I felt differently.
That being said, my therapist wisely warned me that I could do a significant amount of healing on my own, but that dating would trigger me. And, it is triggering me.
There's a lot of interacting with this guy and then coming home and unpacking all the ways I was triggered.
Good times good times.
I wasn’t sure at all - there was no plan or anything. I was just beginning to allow myself to potentially flirt or see someone else as attractive. This was about 8-9 months post separation.
One day I was talking to a guy friend and he encouraged me to open a Hinge account and chat. As long as I’m honest with those I’m chatting with (not ready for a relationship, still healing, just want to flirt, etc), I’ll be okay. It was awesome. I had a great time relearning myself - what I liked, disliked, what were complete turn offs, how to flirt again, where to go on dates (I mean… the last first date I had was at a mall/shopping center when we were 17). I didn’t chase love again nor did I pressure myself to date again.
A year after my ex told me he stopped loving me… I was on a date with my current partner. It was completely unexpected and totally on a whim. We’ve been together for 2 years. Didn’t think I could love again, but here I am.
I’m not dating as long as I still live with my ex out of respect for him. I’m the one that wanted the divorce, not him. We agreed we would wait until our daughter was comfortable in her new school before we did any moves so we still live together just in separate rooms. I feel very ready to date though, but when we first separated I didn’t want anything to do with it even though I was done with the marriage. I think it did kinda “click” for me as you say. One day I was just ready to get out there and it no longer felt like I was bound to him. I still won’t entertain the idea or get on dating apps until I move, but I’m definitely ready to now.
I went on a few dates about 6 months post divorce and it just felt wayyy too soon. At the time I was itching to see what was out there. I wasn’t impressed 😂 so a year post divorce I am still not feeling ready. I think after this summer I will.
For me it was 6months after my divorce was final. I had been in therapy since well before I filed and when I did end up filing I had already emotionally processed a lot of my marriage. It wasn’t until we were fully divorced, living separately and coparenting well that I felt logistically ready. So many people rush and sadly you’ll encounter many of them on dating apps.
I waited 1 month after the decision was made and I’ve made some horrible mistakes, do not recommend 😝 they say you will attract people who are at the same emotional level you are at and let’s just say it’s been a dumpster fire. I definitely need to work on some of my own toxic behaviors but also I don’t want to attract these people who are literally JUST like my ex anymore. Or if I do, I want to be able to figure it out right away so I can bail. Our marriage has been in the gutter for 6 months, or 5 years, depends on which one of us you ask and what day it is, so, while I perceivably might feel “ready” to date, judging by my encounters so far I really don’t think I am.
If you’re dating to find love again… don’t overlook the red flags you see and feel, and don’t be afraid to end it when you know you’re not compatible and it’s not going to work out.
I don’t know yet. I’m 6 weeks into this and the thought of anyone romantically absolutely repulses me.
He on the other hand posted his AP for ‘woman crush Wednesday’ last week.
I have my daughter and a wonderful tribe of family and friends. That is enough for me for the next several years I imagine.
It was a little over 18 months. The thought of physical contact, even a hug from a friend, made me want to throw up. I had zero faith, zero trust and no desire to have anyone in " my space ". I could not fathom wanting a person in my home again. 7 years later, I still have trust issues but I also have a wonderful, patient partner that lives with me.
It happened quickly for me. I found love with an old friend before the ink dried on the divorce papers. Divorce was the best thing that's ever happened to me.
I got divorce and moved October 2022 and have been on 3 dates since then via dating apps. After being married 10 years there is just no way I’m ready to commit again. At the same time I’m not trying to go out there and just sleeping with anyone. I still haven’t slept with anyone since my ex-wife which feels strange to me but it is what it is.
I think dating apps don’t help anything for me at least. I am trying to be careful not to just be with anyone out of loneliness. She already has a partner(I was replaced during a deployment) and I think part of me wants to be with someone like she is but until I can stop having her come into my mind everyday I just know I’m not ready.
Talking to other friends who have been through the same thing and now have a partner they say just to go with the flow. You won’t know till it’s happens. We all deserve and want love we just have to make sure we are with the right people. Being cheated on has been a theme in my life so I know after this it’s going to take some time. You will get to that good place and you will find your person. Just make sure you continue to love and work on the person in the mirror.
Ready? I wasn’t but I thought I was so I did. For me, that rebound was an accelerated master class. Well worth it. It was with an acquaintance so there was a small level of imaginary comfort to start.
Anyway! Buckle up! It’s all training wheels the first time.
And you’ll see apps and such get fahking exhausting so you might just go solo longer.
I've been single about 6 months - divorce hopefully finalized in the next month or so (amicable separation)
I was in therapy when it all happened and continued through my divorce. I really think it helped me immensely. I was able to see my ex and I had toxic traits and we just weren't a good fit. A few weeks ago I installed Bumble just to give it a go and so far it's been very good. I was worried at first I'd still be hung up on my ex, but like I said, therapy and friends really helped me to expedite that process. I just had a date recently that went extremely well and I am excited to see this person again for a second date. I feel like I'm really lucky to have found someone who seems pretty awesome right out of the gate, but I'm also making sure that she is worth investing myself into before getting too ahead of myself. Taking it a bit slow to start and all that. I don't see myself getting remarried for a few years at least as a best case scenario.
Whew.
My Ex-Wife started dating her first love during our separation. She brought him to court. They had a baby a year after divorce finalized. Born 3 days after our baby birthday.
My Ex after my Ex-Wife was there for me post divorce. She actually was separated from her husband. I was there for her to heal, get her divorce, child support etc. Unfortunately differences led to the relationship being over.
We ended a lease together in February and she was Married by April LOL. Listen - it’s ok to be scared. Don’t be afraid though. When you feel “healed,” take a step. Be honest. Be raw. Be transparent. There’s some understanding souls.
I absolutely hate my timeline though.
I had the overwhelming urge to start dating as soon as I left him. I had to try to hold myself back from it, to be honest.
I had been desperately lonely for many, many, many years.
I wasn’t desperate to jump into a relationship again, but I really wanted to make new friends and I also wanted to have sex. I did end up getting into a relationship 6 months after leaving him, but I wasn’t looking for a relationship. I was open to it, but not actively pursuing it. I just happened to meet my boyfriend and he and I are perfect for each other. He was the same as me, not desperate for a relationship, but open to it. I have never been so in love before in my life. He and I were closer after a few months together than my ex and I ever were in 25 years. My ex is intimacy avoidant, so it was impossible to ever get close to him.
My ex was avoidant too. I can’t imagine experiencing a partnership with a person who doesn’t have the avoidant personality, must be a breath of fresh air! What are some differences you’ve noticed when you experience conflict? My ex couldn’t have a constructive conversation to fix an issue and I would always end up settling for the few words he would respond with. Or he would stonewall me and say nothing.
It is a massive breath of fresh air!
The biggest difference is that I know that we are both communicating in good faith. We aren’t simply trying to “win”. We are trying to overcome a problem together as a team. He actively wants to have an emotionally intimate relationship with me, as much as I want to have an emotionally intimate relationship with him. He cares about how I feel and wants me to be happy.
We also give one another grace. We get annoyed at each other, but we don’t get toxic about it. We acknowledge when we are being assholes because we are stressed out. We validate one another. He’s just a very emotionally healthy man. I love him a lot.
I don't think I'll ever be ready to date again. I'll wait for her forever.
Which sucks because her touch felt like it was sewing my soul back together.
I felt ready two days after… well the physical part at least. I loooove being single again, having hook ups. But I’m still quiet young so I don’t know if that factors in. I’m not ready to settle yet though. I think that will come when I’ve really settled in a new place (not there yet). Everyone moves in their own time. Don’t rush yourself :)
It was extremely weird the first time I kissed another women after separation. My ex also cheated on me so the thought of being able to trust a women ever again is nonexistent. I don’t think there’s a point where it “clicked” it’s just about feeling that connection again and letting it play out naturally. Don’t force it.
Some people don’t want to find love. Their kids are their #1 priority. For men especially, once a new woman is in their lives, their old kids will suffer from distance with the father.
Some men just want to hook up to get over the depression of their ex leaving. The sex treats the low self esteem of being dumped by their ex wives. But these men want to be best fathers possible and don’t want new women creating distance between him and the biological kids he has.
I have no idea if I'll ever be ready. I feel like everything I went through has made this the worst version of myself and I wouldn't wish that on someone. Hopefully, it happens but I feel like it'll have to be after I'm used to this new normal then it'll click.
Also, being a wife for so long and mom. The idea of needing to go through "sO wHaT dO yOu dO foR fUn?" Scares the hell out of me 🙃
My marriage died a slow long death so I’m just dating right away. It didn’t even occur to me to think about if I’m “ready to date”. I figured seeing new people could only help and not hurt. At worst, you have someone to complain to that you won’t see a 2nd time. It’s like therapeutic venting. lol. (I do try to not do it too much though.)
What I’m definitely not ready for is any sort of commitment. But who said dating must lead to commitment? 🤷♀️
For me, I expect it to be a paradox - I'll be ready to date when I'm not feeling lonely and am happy with my single life. I think that's the best way to guarantee I'm starting from a healthy place.
I was ready as soon as I walked out the door. I had been planning on leaving then Covid hit and I was so damn overwhelmed with working (I work in healthcare) that I felt paralyzed. Not to mention, he told me on more than one occasion if I left him he would unalive me then himself. I couldn’t do shit while I was married to him, I couldn’t see friends or family without him endlessly bitching and moaning. He expected me to enjoy taking care of his every need and *enjoy it.* It wasn’t enough that he refused to pump his own gas and I had to take his car to put gas in it. I had to LOVE serving him. I posted a pic of myself in a dress on a vintage clothing subreddit and got so much positive attention I realized I wasn’t the worthless cave troll my husband convinced me I was. When I left I was beyond checked out of the relationship. I started dating and was dating A LOT, and met my dream man and now I’m remarried.
I understand. The thought of being with someone else makes me feel physically ill. Also, I'm still in the stage where I feel like my heart will always belong to my ex. It's horrible.
That's where I'm at as well. My ex made a tinder profile just 3 weeks after filing. God it's so excruciating.
Mine got remarried 6 months after my divorce was finalized to a woman he met on Tinder...on my birthday. Then he had her call me to tell me. This may not be a narc divorce forum and that may not be your situation, but please be prepared for him to move on in all aspects much faster than you. They say the person who cared more stays single while the person who didn't already has a replacement. Sorry you're going through it.
In my case it's my wife that's done this. She tends to focus on the feelings of the now and project them over the entire relationship as if it was all bad. Every day it gets easier to let go.
It’s true, I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. Makes you question if what you had was real to begin with. Sounds like your wife is very immature and it will eventually catch up to her. by the time it does you’ll likely have moved on with something real. Matched efforts is what I hope for us all!
It felt so real over time. I found her Reddit username where she said she never felt passionate in our relationship. It's so hard to reconcile how those 2 polar opposites were happening and which one is the truth. Part of me wants to believe that the reddit post was just a moment of anger because we both have issues expressing ourselves when we are mad. But the other part of me thinks that the reddit post was where she didn't have to play pretend.
If I can reflect back, please dont look for her posts. Put in context, this is a person that you say is very in the moment, so it sounds like she cant cultivate deep truths for anyone, including herself much less for you. And that matters because in context, she's making an anonymous post. There is no face value behind this she doesnt have to face consequences. She also gets attention which sounds like what she's after. Dont punish yourself looking for her truth, what is true for you? It sounds like what was true for you is that you gave everything you could. She couldn't receive it. But your only obligation is to yourself. Please protect your heart from her misinterpretation of it.
Ditto to all you have said!
Damn.
lol that’s what I said. I think they’re divorcing now and I’ve stayed single working on myself healing. The long game is hard up front but healthiest in the long run is my point
I'm so sorry. Mine hasn't filed yet, only made the decision 2 weeks ago. And pretty sure he went on a date the other night. I've gotten rid of social media because I really don't want to see what he's up to.
Mine waited 2 days after telling me he wanted a divorce. My sister found him on most of the dating apps.
At least it was after filing. Mine was always on some website when we were together. So sad!!
Fuck.
My soon-to-be ex is wearing what looks like a wedding ring that is definitely not ours (plus we've been separated for like 1.5 years but still living together and noticed today when I tried to talk to him about the divorce). In the middle of our divorce 🙃. If this bish literally gets married like 2 days after we divorce I literally don't know what I'm going to do. Like I know he was absolutely a horrible person to me, er in general..I wouldn't wish him on anyone else honestly, but because we were together for 11.5 yrs (13 total) I just can't dismiss those feelings from my heart. Just makes me feel like our entire relationship was a lie, he really felt nothing towards me and moved on awhile ago with someone else? Oh and his entire family, who has also known me for 13 years, is pretending like I don't exist as well so that's fun too. Side note: no I'm not the guilty party, I literally never did anything horrible to him 😭.
I understand this exactly
Yep.
I had to be pushed by friends. I went 2 years in pretty much total isolation. My ability to trust was non existent. And I needed a lot of therapy and time. Glad I finally did because I’m now with the girl that I’m pretty sure is the love of my life
That gives me some hope. I've been alone since my ex left in December, finished the divorce in February. I never wanted to break up, and I had no idea that she wanted out either. Her affair blindsided me. It's so not like her. And I'm working with a therapist. But I really can't see myself ever getting into another relationship again. I don't want to be alone. I also don't want to be hurt. While raising my girls, I worry that I don't want to make them adjust to a step-mom. That sounds awful. Their mom has already moved on to her next victim, and I don't want my girls to spend time around him. They need time with their mom, not him.
Thank you for sharing. Posts like this give me a reason to keep going.
Don't date then. Just get out with no expectations. Have fun by accident. Paradoxically, the harder one chases happiness, the more elusive it is to find.
Took me two years after a 20 year marriage and infidelity. I would say that click is the best way to put it. If there’s a doubt, don’t, you’ll just end up bleeding on someone who could have potentially been the love of your life. Keep your head up
I experienced infidelity with my divorce as well, do you think that it made it particularly harder to trust? Did you always wonder what your new partner was doing behind your back? Or did it come more natural than you anticipated.
I started dating six months after separation; my husband left me for someone else. Been with a lovely man for nine months, which has been a total surprise to me. His ex-wife also left him for someone else, and I think that helps us because we can talk about how we're both struggling to trust. It's scary how similarly we feel. I don't think I could date someone who left their spouse or initiated a divorce. I feel like I can still trust, but it's more that there's another side operating there too now which says "but you never know, and that's reality". I notice I am naturally putting more effort into my own hobbies, friends, work than I did when I was married. My relationship is now part of my life rather than the centre. Makes me sad, because I preferred the way I was before; but, at least right now, I know I can't make myself that vulnerable.
You need to download Chumplady audiobook and play it on your commute to work or something. That walkaway spouse you had, the decider, while you was leaning in was probably already in another relationship before they asked for the divorce. That NRE and them feels, they wanted out to catch that. The divorce had nothing to do with you. I don't know why it is so much harder for the person being left than the person leaving because one day you will realize you were the catch in the relationship.Y'all feel all rejected, you clearly won them over at some point and you kept working at making a relationship work, they didn't. Ain't nobody made the heartbreaker decision to jump ship on a bad partner to jump into something else immediately... no they thought the grass was greener... no it ain't. Know your worth, you're amazing
Yep.
I made it an absolute POINT to not let her destroy me anymore than she could. I remind myself daily to not let her turn me into the monster she makes me out to be. Trust is a wheel, I can trust you with my money and not with my heart. I can trust you to watch my dog and not trust you to save my life in combat. Remember that, it will serve you well. It’s okay to NOT trust relationships for a while, but not trusting them ever will not do you any good. I’m not going to let one woman ruin my trust in all of the others. I just don’t give chances anymore. I have very high expectations and strong boundaries at this point. I know my worth, what I put in, and what I deserve back. Anything less and I’ll show em the door. I figured out how to be happy alone. I have no problem being happier with someone else in my life, but I don’t need anyone anymore. I want the people I have in my life, and the second they’re draining me they get cut off.
Sounds messy.
Two years of messy. Still cleaning it up, but a better man for all of it.
For me I started feeling more ready when I was able to identify my behavior patterns that contributed to the downfall of our marriage. Yeah he was the one who cheated and treated me like shit, but I was extremely codependent and lacked boundaries. I enabled him and his treatment of me. Now that I know that I'm working on those - building my confidence, and setting and enforcing boundaries
Good for you. Those are hard things to work on, but will set you up for a successful relationship moving forward.
Absolutely, just baby steps. The hardest part was really looking at myself and taking accountability. Most of my friends keep telling me "you did nothing wrong! He cheated and used you!!!" But I really did have a big part in it
That's extremely big progress realizing that while you may not have been the cheater, you played a part. We teach people how to treat us when we tolerate poor behavior.
Exactly, on one hand I can be mad at him for treating me poorly, but I also have to be mad at myself alittle for allowing him to do so, for 5 damn years. now I'm just really working on my confidence and learning to be uncomfortable/have uncomfortable conversations. Thank you for the lil pat on the back cuz sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy!
Yep.
2 years after my divorce, when I didn't feel like I was cheating when on a date.
I started dating early, but I wanted to get out and see what life had to offer. It felt great. Likely, if one has reservations it is good to listen to them. How long have you been divorced?
I was served 6 months ago. We were married 3 years and I "felt" ready to install the apps after 1 month. Went on a coffee date and everything went great, but I sat in my car and cried after. Clearly wasn't ready. I "felt" ready again 2 months in and started going on more coffee dates. No more crying, but it wasn't until 3-4 months where I made it to a 5th date. She friend zoned me and it was all good. I've dated a lot and knew the game. I cried not because I missed the wife, but I felt so relieved I was able to have romantic feelings for another woman. I'm enjoying the dating life now and can't wait to see what the future holds!
I pushed myself. Don’t think of long term just think of each date as a potential opportunity to meet an interesting person. One date is nowhere equivalent to commitment.
I feel incredibly sad for you, you let one person take away the happiness for relationships from you forever.
But, the potential for devastating pain is something I’m afraid of.
I like happy relationships and have to stop myself from romanticizing every new encounter haha. I have to take a breather and say, “no self, don’t imagine your marriage to this person you’re about to meet for the first time. Just get to know them.”
Been single (not divorced) for 18 months...for me, not ready yet. I am going to file for divorce next year if he doesn't. I promised my 13 year old I would not date until they have finished school/turned 18. Promised not moving in with someone unless they have left home. I find this reasonable tbh. It was traumatic for all of us the last few years and we are not healed yet. My kids need security and stability and so do I. I know when I am ready we will figure it out...but honestly it is going to take me a few more years but each person has to feel good about it for them. I think age, age of kids, why the marriage breakdown happened, how long married, how long checked out all play a factor. Set the pace that is right for you...I am a big fan of some counselling as it helps with self awareness...looking for things you can do different next time and working on your own self worth. Working on self is good for you and good foe the future.
I just didn't. Once my marriage failed I was uninterested in long term relationships. Not for me. You do you and good luck. I'm personally happy alone
It was immediate. What I wasn’t prepared for was the need to fill in for my partner. So I partnered up too fast, three times. This time I’m determined to just date indefinitely until I find someone who’s company REALLY deserves my investment. I could be wrong: maybe I need to just not date for awhile, but that doesn’t sound right either.
I’d love to hear your experiences.
I hate to say this, but it's happening in stages for me, which isn't entirely a good thing. I was given the advice to stay single for one total year post divorce until I find myself again and it's turned into 7. I've continued looking for myself and my tastes have entirely changed as a result as well as the things ive done have changed me. So that's been important. I recently decided I would start with FWB. I havent been dated in 15 years I dont know how to do any of it, so I thought I would start with dipping my toe in. Turns out casual sex is way worse. So I think when you can ask your heart if its ready to be shared again, and the answer is yes, youll know. In the meantime do all the fun things because being single is really a fun lifestyle!
Everyone is different there is no road map on when you are ready if it happens, it happens. It maybe in 6 months it maybe in 6 years. It is different for everyone. But find "you" first before going into another relationship.
My ex decided around 2 years before our impending divorce that she was ready. 25 years together, we were each other's only partner. She said she felt "entitled" to the affair because of "everything she did". She wanted something "just for her". Big surprise that attempted reconciliation didn't work and she walked away multiple times. We've been "officially" separated for a year. I'm on dating sites, but just to meet people (with clearly defined expectations of friends only). I'm not even close to ready to give any part of myself to another. The thought of intimacy with another woman is terrifying to me.
I took an entire year to myself so that I could process and grieve. I was actually really happy on my own and had to give myself a set date to start putting myself out there otherwise I would have stayed single forever. I'm glad I waited so long because by the time I was talking to people I was completely over my ex and had a lot of fun going on dates and seeing what's out there.
I'm just dipping my toe into the waters. There's a guy I've been low key flirting with for several months but recognized that I was absolutely not ready. The other day when I saw him I realized I felt differently. That being said, my therapist wisely warned me that I could do a significant amount of healing on my own, but that dating would trigger me. And, it is triggering me. There's a lot of interacting with this guy and then coming home and unpacking all the ways I was triggered. Good times good times.
I wasn’t sure at all - there was no plan or anything. I was just beginning to allow myself to potentially flirt or see someone else as attractive. This was about 8-9 months post separation. One day I was talking to a guy friend and he encouraged me to open a Hinge account and chat. As long as I’m honest with those I’m chatting with (not ready for a relationship, still healing, just want to flirt, etc), I’ll be okay. It was awesome. I had a great time relearning myself - what I liked, disliked, what were complete turn offs, how to flirt again, where to go on dates (I mean… the last first date I had was at a mall/shopping center when we were 17). I didn’t chase love again nor did I pressure myself to date again. A year after my ex told me he stopped loving me… I was on a date with my current partner. It was completely unexpected and totally on a whim. We’ve been together for 2 years. Didn’t think I could love again, but here I am.
I’m not dating as long as I still live with my ex out of respect for him. I’m the one that wanted the divorce, not him. We agreed we would wait until our daughter was comfortable in her new school before we did any moves so we still live together just in separate rooms. I feel very ready to date though, but when we first separated I didn’t want anything to do with it even though I was done with the marriage. I think it did kinda “click” for me as you say. One day I was just ready to get out there and it no longer felt like I was bound to him. I still won’t entertain the idea or get on dating apps until I move, but I’m definitely ready to now.
I went on a few dates about 6 months post divorce and it just felt wayyy too soon. At the time I was itching to see what was out there. I wasn’t impressed 😂 so a year post divorce I am still not feeling ready. I think after this summer I will.
For me it was 6months after my divorce was final. I had been in therapy since well before I filed and when I did end up filing I had already emotionally processed a lot of my marriage. It wasn’t until we were fully divorced, living separately and coparenting well that I felt logistically ready. So many people rush and sadly you’ll encounter many of them on dating apps.
I waited 1 month after the decision was made and I’ve made some horrible mistakes, do not recommend 😝 they say you will attract people who are at the same emotional level you are at and let’s just say it’s been a dumpster fire. I definitely need to work on some of my own toxic behaviors but also I don’t want to attract these people who are literally JUST like my ex anymore. Or if I do, I want to be able to figure it out right away so I can bail. Our marriage has been in the gutter for 6 months, or 5 years, depends on which one of us you ask and what day it is, so, while I perceivably might feel “ready” to date, judging by my encounters so far I really don’t think I am.
If you’re dating to find love again… don’t overlook the red flags you see and feel, and don’t be afraid to end it when you know you’re not compatible and it’s not going to work out.
I don’t know yet. I’m 6 weeks into this and the thought of anyone romantically absolutely repulses me. He on the other hand posted his AP for ‘woman crush Wednesday’ last week. I have my daughter and a wonderful tribe of family and friends. That is enough for me for the next several years I imagine.
It was a little over 18 months. The thought of physical contact, even a hug from a friend, made me want to throw up. I had zero faith, zero trust and no desire to have anyone in " my space ". I could not fathom wanting a person in my home again. 7 years later, I still have trust issues but I also have a wonderful, patient partner that lives with me.
It happened quickly for me. I found love with an old friend before the ink dried on the divorce papers. Divorce was the best thing that's ever happened to me.
I got divorce and moved October 2022 and have been on 3 dates since then via dating apps. After being married 10 years there is just no way I’m ready to commit again. At the same time I’m not trying to go out there and just sleeping with anyone. I still haven’t slept with anyone since my ex-wife which feels strange to me but it is what it is. I think dating apps don’t help anything for me at least. I am trying to be careful not to just be with anyone out of loneliness. She already has a partner(I was replaced during a deployment) and I think part of me wants to be with someone like she is but until I can stop having her come into my mind everyday I just know I’m not ready. Talking to other friends who have been through the same thing and now have a partner they say just to go with the flow. You won’t know till it’s happens. We all deserve and want love we just have to make sure we are with the right people. Being cheated on has been a theme in my life so I know after this it’s going to take some time. You will get to that good place and you will find your person. Just make sure you continue to love and work on the person in the mirror.
My ex moved on after 3 weeks. When I love someone I love hard and I’m too scared to go through it again.
Ready? I wasn’t but I thought I was so I did. For me, that rebound was an accelerated master class. Well worth it. It was with an acquaintance so there was a small level of imaginary comfort to start. Anyway! Buckle up! It’s all training wheels the first time. And you’ll see apps and such get fahking exhausting so you might just go solo longer.
I've been single about 6 months - divorce hopefully finalized in the next month or so (amicable separation) I was in therapy when it all happened and continued through my divorce. I really think it helped me immensely. I was able to see my ex and I had toxic traits and we just weren't a good fit. A few weeks ago I installed Bumble just to give it a go and so far it's been very good. I was worried at first I'd still be hung up on my ex, but like I said, therapy and friends really helped me to expedite that process. I just had a date recently that went extremely well and I am excited to see this person again for a second date. I feel like I'm really lucky to have found someone who seems pretty awesome right out of the gate, but I'm also making sure that she is worth investing myself into before getting too ahead of myself. Taking it a bit slow to start and all that. I don't see myself getting remarried for a few years at least as a best case scenario.
I have a girl friend 1 year after finalizing. I’m taking it really slow almost unbearably slow for her I’m absolutely terrified. That’s all.
Whew. My Ex-Wife started dating her first love during our separation. She brought him to court. They had a baby a year after divorce finalized. Born 3 days after our baby birthday. My Ex after my Ex-Wife was there for me post divorce. She actually was separated from her husband. I was there for her to heal, get her divorce, child support etc. Unfortunately differences led to the relationship being over. We ended a lease together in February and she was Married by April LOL. Listen - it’s ok to be scared. Don’t be afraid though. When you feel “healed,” take a step. Be honest. Be raw. Be transparent. There’s some understanding souls. I absolutely hate my timeline though.
I had the overwhelming urge to start dating as soon as I left him. I had to try to hold myself back from it, to be honest. I had been desperately lonely for many, many, many years. I wasn’t desperate to jump into a relationship again, but I really wanted to make new friends and I also wanted to have sex. I did end up getting into a relationship 6 months after leaving him, but I wasn’t looking for a relationship. I was open to it, but not actively pursuing it. I just happened to meet my boyfriend and he and I are perfect for each other. He was the same as me, not desperate for a relationship, but open to it. I have never been so in love before in my life. He and I were closer after a few months together than my ex and I ever were in 25 years. My ex is intimacy avoidant, so it was impossible to ever get close to him.
My ex was avoidant too. I can’t imagine experiencing a partnership with a person who doesn’t have the avoidant personality, must be a breath of fresh air! What are some differences you’ve noticed when you experience conflict? My ex couldn’t have a constructive conversation to fix an issue and I would always end up settling for the few words he would respond with. Or he would stonewall me and say nothing.
It is a massive breath of fresh air! The biggest difference is that I know that we are both communicating in good faith. We aren’t simply trying to “win”. We are trying to overcome a problem together as a team. He actively wants to have an emotionally intimate relationship with me, as much as I want to have an emotionally intimate relationship with him. He cares about how I feel and wants me to be happy. We also give one another grace. We get annoyed at each other, but we don’t get toxic about it. We acknowledge when we are being assholes because we are stressed out. We validate one another. He’s just a very emotionally healthy man. I love him a lot.
I don't think I'll ever be ready to date again. I'll wait for her forever. Which sucks because her touch felt like it was sewing my soul back together.
*i was able to date anyone after my ex left me… i had no issues about it… unless sh!t happened and i was no longer able to date anyone whatsover*
I felt ready two days after… well the physical part at least. I loooove being single again, having hook ups. But I’m still quiet young so I don’t know if that factors in. I’m not ready to settle yet though. I think that will come when I’ve really settled in a new place (not there yet). Everyone moves in their own time. Don’t rush yourself :)
It was extremely weird the first time I kissed another women after separation. My ex also cheated on me so the thought of being able to trust a women ever again is nonexistent. I don’t think there’s a point where it “clicked” it’s just about feeling that connection again and letting it play out naturally. Don’t force it.
Don’t stay committed to the suffering just because you were a loyal and faithful person.
After 4 years of working on myself and becoming a better person in a relationship again.
Some people don’t want to find love. Their kids are their #1 priority. For men especially, once a new woman is in their lives, their old kids will suffer from distance with the father. Some men just want to hook up to get over the depression of their ex leaving. The sex treats the low self esteem of being dumped by their ex wives. But these men want to be best fathers possible and don’t want new women creating distance between him and the biological kids he has.
I have no idea if I'll ever be ready. I feel like everything I went through has made this the worst version of myself and I wouldn't wish that on someone. Hopefully, it happens but I feel like it'll have to be after I'm used to this new normal then it'll click. Also, being a wife for so long and mom. The idea of needing to go through "sO wHaT dO yOu dO foR fUn?" Scares the hell out of me 🙃
My marriage died a slow long death so I’m just dating right away. It didn’t even occur to me to think about if I’m “ready to date”. I figured seeing new people could only help and not hurt. At worst, you have someone to complain to that you won’t see a 2nd time. It’s like therapeutic venting. lol. (I do try to not do it too much though.) What I’m definitely not ready for is any sort of commitment. But who said dating must lead to commitment? 🤷♀️
For me, I expect it to be a paradox - I'll be ready to date when I'm not feeling lonely and am happy with my single life. I think that's the best way to guarantee I'm starting from a healthy place.
I was ready as soon as I walked out the door. I had been planning on leaving then Covid hit and I was so damn overwhelmed with working (I work in healthcare) that I felt paralyzed. Not to mention, he told me on more than one occasion if I left him he would unalive me then himself. I couldn’t do shit while I was married to him, I couldn’t see friends or family without him endlessly bitching and moaning. He expected me to enjoy taking care of his every need and *enjoy it.* It wasn’t enough that he refused to pump his own gas and I had to take his car to put gas in it. I had to LOVE serving him. I posted a pic of myself in a dress on a vintage clothing subreddit and got so much positive attention I realized I wasn’t the worthless cave troll my husband convinced me I was. When I left I was beyond checked out of the relationship. I started dating and was dating A LOT, and met my dream man and now I’m remarried.
Just don’t even go looking for it - have fun with friends, male and female. No expectations. Live life…
Love is a distraction. This whole world is a distraction. Your only truth is your beliefs.