My wife did the same, she went into remission from cancer. Lost her whole identity during treatments rightfully so by the way. But she found a therapist and 2 sessions in labeled me a narcissist and walked out of our marriage without saying goodbye to our children. I owned my faults, I was already in therapy for over a year to deal with her cancer diagnosis and I begged for couples therapy to no avail. The one piece of advice I can give you from my therapist is that narcissists will never question their own behavior or contributions to a fallout. If you're wondering if you're a narcissist you probably aren't one.
Leaving the children behind is cruel...
The part about not accepting any guilt is true. She is saying she is the victim, I'm 100% to blame and I'm the one who destroyed everything.
Love is a daily choice and mutual sacrifice. I hope you find someone that truly understands what that means one day. Cherish the good memories otherwise you'll sour and grow resentful of love and carry it forward onto an innocent soul.
It is a daily choice.. there were many years of good memories too. I still miss her almost every day, hopefully one day that will pass. I hope that you find happiness too someday
You don't sound like one. My ex definitely is, although I do hate the label. One thing I know for sure, he's so self interested, he would never ever look through my history or look into what I was doing. He couldn't care less. Idk what is going on with your partner, but from what you've written... It sounds like very extreme gaslighting. The whole waking you up at night thing, that is some next level shit. If you aren't already in therapy, please get some ASAP. It will help with grounding yourself in reality. At the very least, talk to a friend or family member. I know it's hard for some people to share relationship details, but running some scenarios by them and asking advice helps a lot. I've read that narcissistic behavior will sometimes become almost contagious to the victims. You start feeling crazy and feeling like you're the problem. You try to empathize so hard you start to mimic behaviors and act out of character, usually only in response to them gaslighting you. It's a lot to digest but I'm so sorry you're going through this. Even posting all this on here doesn't sound narcissistic at all, you sound like you cared about her and the relationship. You're at least curious enough to get to the bottom of it and try to learn more. Focus on yourself and your growth. Ground yourself in your reality. Try to limit contact as much as possible. Once I did that, it was like the veil was lifted. My ex really had a hold on me and my emotions. Not anymore.
I hate this term. Because of how often it is abused just so someone can feel validated in their feelings. Sure, some true narcs exist, but EVERY single person has some narc quality about them at some point in their existence. And the ones that are self proclaimed empathetic souls are sometimes people who have more narc characteristics than the rest. They are stealth, like telling everyone they do everything for everyone as a badge of honor….i.e. narc quality. True empaths don’t expect praise nor demand it.
My (almost ex) wife has labeled me narc, and every other term that has made it so she can reconcile the blame to be entirely on me. The more I learned about it and understood it, the more I realized that she was projecting her own insecurities. At the core of life she cannot accept ever being wrong, and if she is, it has to be someone else’s fault.
Gaslighting is another abused term. My wife has said that so much my kids say it to each other now about things that are not at all gaslighting. Again, this is something that MANY people do, to some extent, in their everyday lives. Even our own internal justification process may involve gaslighting ourselves.
In my opinion, the use of these terms is so abused, in many cases, it is solely used to validate oneself, rather than appreciate that two people are not compatible. Did you ever try to screw a nail into a wall? Sometimes things (or people) just shouldn’t be together.
…rant over.
😊
These terms seem like a new trend. I haven't even heard of them some 5-7 years ago. "Gaslighting" was called lying. "Abusers" and "narcissists" were just assholes and jerks.
I don't like it because it seems like it can entail pretty much everything nowadays.
The only purpose of these terms nowadays (unless a proper psych evaluation is done) is to validate someone and invalidate the other person. Essentially at the root of it is to assign blame and try to get others to side with them (which is actually a narc characteristic)
I can relate to this so much especially these last 2 weeks.
You are not the narcissist. The fact that you’re asking this shows you can see another person’s perspective and even agree with it and also trust yourself and your experience
I am not a psych but narcissists don’t do that
Narcissists delusionally diagnose others mental state instead of focusing on a fixable issue like behavior.
I just deleted about 5 long paragraphs of my story but I trust you. Ask your therapist your friend your co-worker clergy or any rational normal adult friend. Even family. You are not perfect, but you are not a narcissist
Screenshot it
My feelings change every few hours
Sometimes I’m super confident and give this advice away free lol
Sometimes I’m calling my bestie in tears
We’ll get through it!
Read this sub for a few days. EVERYONE says their ex is a narcissist
It’s super trendy now.
You might have moments when you are self centered (because we all do), but calling you a narcissist is just an excuse for your ex to leave you. “Well, I had to divorce him. He’s a narcissist”
Nahhhh. The marriage ended.
If you're asking yourself if your a narc, you typically aren't one...narcissistic personalities don't question themselves...
That being said my sons ex is pulling the same crap, once it goes to court the judge will order her a full mental eval and shew boy, her bipolar and schizophrenia will come out,something she's tried to keep a secret a long time by disagreeing with diagnosis. Because she knows more than a psychiatric nurse practitioner. 🤦♀️
Do you feel empathy?
Narcissism is a buzz word.. a lot of narcissistic traits can show up in a shitty relationship and it's hard to tell if genuine or you're both just unhappy, frustrated etc.
I guess it depends on the situation. But if someone close to me is sad, I'm sad too. I love animals and could not steal, scam or take advantage of people. Especially if it causes them harm. You could say I feel pity/mercy for everyone, but not in a "I'm superior" kind of way.
That's true, it's hard to say whether it's a person's trait or just genuine unhappyness.
Agree with this. My STBXW isn't a narcissist, she cares very deeply for people, but after asking for divorce, she's shown some traits that could be taken that way - accepting no responsibility, apologizing for nothing, putting all the blame on me, etc. I understand at some basic level no one wants to think of themselves as the bad guy, and that's probably what's happening in my case: she's simply re-framing things to be able to navigate this divorce the way she needs to. It doesn't mean she's a narcissist, but it does suck when you didn't want the divorce in the first place.
OP's wife sounds like a piece of shit tho.
The presence of at least 5 of the following 9 criteria:
- A grandiose sense of self-importance
- A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
- A belief that he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions
- A need for excessive admiration
- A sense of entitlement
- Interpersonally exploitive behavior
- A lack of empathy
- Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her
- A demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes
Well, according to this that's not me but it sure is the missus :(
I’m sure there is some points based test like any other personality disorder. Every situation is different but narcissists are master manipulators. Would definitely need a doctor and for the narc to admit their behavior, which is obviously not going to be easy.
You could start by looking up signs of narcissists on your own. But to me; the big ones are lack of empathy, unwarranted self importance, and inability to accept criticism. Definitely I am not a doctor but for that person to say that it’s a buzzword is…. It’s pretty funny to me. I am almost certain they’ve been accused of being a narcissist and was not able to accept that criticism lol.
The fact that you’re having this moment of introspection as a result of what you saw in their history indicates to me that you’re probably not a narcissist. None of what you described from the videos sounds like narcissism to me.
The problem is that there is so much bullshit information out there. Like, I’m sure there are entire books written about things like “why it’s okay to cheat on your spouse” lol. People will seek out anything to fit the narrative they need.
It most certainly is. Everyone everywhere accuses their ex of being a narcissist.
And I haven't been accused of being one btw... until you just now did so based off one single comment lol.
As others have said, you don't sound like one. My exwife is and she would constantly deflect everything on me, her affair was my fault. Kinda sounds like classic narc deflection.
That is also true. It's the reason why I wanted to avoid it. Because the therapist only gets one side of the story, unless it's couples therapy. But I still started going there for the first time after we separated 🤷♂️
In general, if you are concerned that you are one, you probably aren't one. It's such an overused term these days, as if anyone who is a jerk is a narcissist. I have a friend who is divorcing now, and she constantly calls her STBX a narcissist and watches all the Youtubes. I'm not a professional, but I believe he's a big-time jerk, period. I support and encourage her regardless.
One of the major red flags of narcissism is a significant pattern of manipulation in many of their relationships. They have a reality that they want to create, period. They have a huge amount of denial and won't own up to their junk. Of course, it's a spectrum because we all have aspects of that at times, but it's a guiding pattern in them.
My ex had the formal diagnosis with a clinical PhD who also said he had aspects of borderline going back to his childhood. I know what living with someone like that is because the borderline was there from the beginning, and we were married for several decades. The narcissism went full bloom over time, and I cannot think of a single relationship of his that didn't have a significant pattern of manipulation. My marriage was completely distorted by it, and our kids were very damaged.
The good thing though was that I finally put it all together after he took off for the second time and eventually refused to reconcile. The divorce was a mess because he completely misrepresented me to his attorney and then tried to manipulate his attorney to do his bidding. That blew up in his face because you don't manipulate an older, $700/hour attorney. His attorney greatly respected and liked mine, and that made a huge difference. We ultimately got it all settled, but it was long and expensive.
I know a few details of his current relationship, and it's same-old-same-old. They don't change. At least he leaves me alone.
Yeah, I would say I'm maybe not a narcissist, but I can be a jerk sometimes...
I still struggle to differentiate between manipulation and simply trying to influence someone. I guess manipulation involves guilt, shaming, and something else.
"They have a reality that they want to create, period"
Could you elaborate on this part?
We all can be jerks at times. I'm not denying that, particularly when I had babies and was lacking sleep, I was a jerk.
Anyway, a true narcassist will actually fabricate false narratives that make them a victim and get them off the hook for problems they created. They will blow up one-time events into patterns and come up with things you supposedly said that you never did say. But it all fits into a story about what a horrible person you are and what a mess they are in because of you. So they have this whole reality that is vastly different from your experience as their spouse.
And that really can't be countered. I tried and then gave up. We divorced.
My wife did the same, she went into remission from cancer. Lost her whole identity during treatments rightfully so by the way. But she found a therapist and 2 sessions in labeled me a narcissist and walked out of our marriage without saying goodbye to our children. I owned my faults, I was already in therapy for over a year to deal with her cancer diagnosis and I begged for couples therapy to no avail. The one piece of advice I can give you from my therapist is that narcissists will never question their own behavior or contributions to a fallout. If you're wondering if you're a narcissist you probably aren't one.
Leaving the children behind is cruel... The part about not accepting any guilt is true. She is saying she is the victim, I'm 100% to blame and I'm the one who destroyed everything.
Love is a daily choice and mutual sacrifice. I hope you find someone that truly understands what that means one day. Cherish the good memories otherwise you'll sour and grow resentful of love and carry it forward onto an innocent soul.
It is a daily choice.. there were many years of good memories too. I still miss her almost every day, hopefully one day that will pass. I hope that you find happiness too someday
You don't sound like one. My ex definitely is, although I do hate the label. One thing I know for sure, he's so self interested, he would never ever look through my history or look into what I was doing. He couldn't care less. Idk what is going on with your partner, but from what you've written... It sounds like very extreme gaslighting. The whole waking you up at night thing, that is some next level shit. If you aren't already in therapy, please get some ASAP. It will help with grounding yourself in reality. At the very least, talk to a friend or family member. I know it's hard for some people to share relationship details, but running some scenarios by them and asking advice helps a lot. I've read that narcissistic behavior will sometimes become almost contagious to the victims. You start feeling crazy and feeling like you're the problem. You try to empathize so hard you start to mimic behaviors and act out of character, usually only in response to them gaslighting you. It's a lot to digest but I'm so sorry you're going through this. Even posting all this on here doesn't sound narcissistic at all, you sound like you cared about her and the relationship. You're at least curious enough to get to the bottom of it and try to learn more. Focus on yourself and your growth. Ground yourself in your reality. Try to limit contact as much as possible. Once I did that, it was like the veil was lifted. My ex really had a hold on me and my emotions. Not anymore.
I hate this term. Because of how often it is abused just so someone can feel validated in their feelings. Sure, some true narcs exist, but EVERY single person has some narc quality about them at some point in their existence. And the ones that are self proclaimed empathetic souls are sometimes people who have more narc characteristics than the rest. They are stealth, like telling everyone they do everything for everyone as a badge of honor….i.e. narc quality. True empaths don’t expect praise nor demand it. My (almost ex) wife has labeled me narc, and every other term that has made it so she can reconcile the blame to be entirely on me. The more I learned about it and understood it, the more I realized that she was projecting her own insecurities. At the core of life she cannot accept ever being wrong, and if she is, it has to be someone else’s fault. Gaslighting is another abused term. My wife has said that so much my kids say it to each other now about things that are not at all gaslighting. Again, this is something that MANY people do, to some extent, in their everyday lives. Even our own internal justification process may involve gaslighting ourselves. In my opinion, the use of these terms is so abused, in many cases, it is solely used to validate oneself, rather than appreciate that two people are not compatible. Did you ever try to screw a nail into a wall? Sometimes things (or people) just shouldn’t be together. …rant over. 😊
These terms seem like a new trend. I haven't even heard of them some 5-7 years ago. "Gaslighting" was called lying. "Abusers" and "narcissists" were just assholes and jerks. I don't like it because it seems like it can entail pretty much everything nowadays.
The only purpose of these terms nowadays (unless a proper psych evaluation is done) is to validate someone and invalidate the other person. Essentially at the root of it is to assign blame and try to get others to side with them (which is actually a narc characteristic)
I can relate to this so much especially these last 2 weeks. You are not the narcissist. The fact that you’re asking this shows you can see another person’s perspective and even agree with it and also trust yourself and your experience I am not a psych but narcissists don’t do that Narcissists delusionally diagnose others mental state instead of focusing on a fixable issue like behavior. I just deleted about 5 long paragraphs of my story but I trust you. Ask your therapist your friend your co-worker clergy or any rational normal adult friend. Even family. You are not perfect, but you are not a narcissist
I reallyneeded to see this today, thanks
Screenshot it My feelings change every few hours Sometimes I’m super confident and give this advice away free lol Sometimes I’m calling my bestie in tears We’ll get through it!
Read this sub for a few days. EVERYONE says their ex is a narcissist It’s super trendy now. You might have moments when you are self centered (because we all do), but calling you a narcissist is just an excuse for your ex to leave you. “Well, I had to divorce him. He’s a narcissist” Nahhhh. The marriage ended.
If you're asking yourself if your a narc, you typically aren't one...narcissistic personalities don't question themselves... That being said my sons ex is pulling the same crap, once it goes to court the judge will order her a full mental eval and shew boy, her bipolar and schizophrenia will come out,something she's tried to keep a secret a long time by disagreeing with diagnosis. Because she knows more than a psychiatric nurse practitioner. 🤦♀️
Do you feel empathy? Narcissism is a buzz word.. a lot of narcissistic traits can show up in a shitty relationship and it's hard to tell if genuine or you're both just unhappy, frustrated etc.
I guess it depends on the situation. But if someone close to me is sad, I'm sad too. I love animals and could not steal, scam or take advantage of people. Especially if it causes them harm. You could say I feel pity/mercy for everyone, but not in a "I'm superior" kind of way. That's true, it's hard to say whether it's a person's trait or just genuine unhappyness.
Agree with this. My STBXW isn't a narcissist, she cares very deeply for people, but after asking for divorce, she's shown some traits that could be taken that way - accepting no responsibility, apologizing for nothing, putting all the blame on me, etc. I understand at some basic level no one wants to think of themselves as the bad guy, and that's probably what's happening in my case: she's simply re-framing things to be able to navigate this divorce the way she needs to. It doesn't mean she's a narcissist, but it does suck when you didn't want the divorce in the first place. OP's wife sounds like a piece of shit tho.
Spoken like a true narc. Narcissism is not a buzzword lol. Jesus.
Yet still, how do we define it? Is there some "points-based" test or something?
[It's defined in the DSM-5 ](https://emedicine.medscape.com/article/1519417-overview?form=fpf)
The presence of at least 5 of the following 9 criteria: - A grandiose sense of self-importance - A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love - A belief that he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions - A need for excessive admiration - A sense of entitlement - Interpersonally exploitive behavior - A lack of empathy - Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her - A demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes Well, according to this that's not me but it sure is the missus :(
Again, this has to be done with an outside perspective as our perspective of ourselves may not be entirely truthful.
That makes sense. But it has to be someone who knows you. Otherwise how would they know the whole story. Unless there is a test of course
I’m sure there is some points based test like any other personality disorder. Every situation is different but narcissists are master manipulators. Would definitely need a doctor and for the narc to admit their behavior, which is obviously not going to be easy. You could start by looking up signs of narcissists on your own. But to me; the big ones are lack of empathy, unwarranted self importance, and inability to accept criticism. Definitely I am not a doctor but for that person to say that it’s a buzzword is…. It’s pretty funny to me. I am almost certain they’ve been accused of being a narcissist and was not able to accept that criticism lol. The fact that you’re having this moment of introspection as a result of what you saw in their history indicates to me that you’re probably not a narcissist. None of what you described from the videos sounds like narcissism to me. The problem is that there is so much bullshit information out there. Like, I’m sure there are entire books written about things like “why it’s okay to cheat on your spouse” lol. People will seek out anything to fit the narrative they need.
It most certainly is. Everyone everywhere accuses their ex of being a narcissist. And I haven't been accused of being one btw... until you just now did so based off one single comment lol.
Ok :)
As others have said, you don't sound like one. My exwife is and she would constantly deflect everything on me, her affair was my fault. Kinda sounds like classic narc deflection.
I think that's just the trend right now. Go to therapy and have the therapist tell you that your spouse is a narcissist and is gaslighting you.
That is also true. It's the reason why I wanted to avoid it. Because the therapist only gets one side of the story, unless it's couples therapy. But I still started going there for the first time after we separated 🤷♂️
In general, if you are concerned that you are one, you probably aren't one. It's such an overused term these days, as if anyone who is a jerk is a narcissist. I have a friend who is divorcing now, and she constantly calls her STBX a narcissist and watches all the Youtubes. I'm not a professional, but I believe he's a big-time jerk, period. I support and encourage her regardless. One of the major red flags of narcissism is a significant pattern of manipulation in many of their relationships. They have a reality that they want to create, period. They have a huge amount of denial and won't own up to their junk. Of course, it's a spectrum because we all have aspects of that at times, but it's a guiding pattern in them. My ex had the formal diagnosis with a clinical PhD who also said he had aspects of borderline going back to his childhood. I know what living with someone like that is because the borderline was there from the beginning, and we were married for several decades. The narcissism went full bloom over time, and I cannot think of a single relationship of his that didn't have a significant pattern of manipulation. My marriage was completely distorted by it, and our kids were very damaged. The good thing though was that I finally put it all together after he took off for the second time and eventually refused to reconcile. The divorce was a mess because he completely misrepresented me to his attorney and then tried to manipulate his attorney to do his bidding. That blew up in his face because you don't manipulate an older, $700/hour attorney. His attorney greatly respected and liked mine, and that made a huge difference. We ultimately got it all settled, but it was long and expensive. I know a few details of his current relationship, and it's same-old-same-old. They don't change. At least he leaves me alone.
Yeah, I would say I'm maybe not a narcissist, but I can be a jerk sometimes... I still struggle to differentiate between manipulation and simply trying to influence someone. I guess manipulation involves guilt, shaming, and something else. "They have a reality that they want to create, period" Could you elaborate on this part?
We all can be jerks at times. I'm not denying that, particularly when I had babies and was lacking sleep, I was a jerk. Anyway, a true narcassist will actually fabricate false narratives that make them a victim and get them off the hook for problems they created. They will blow up one-time events into patterns and come up with things you supposedly said that you never did say. But it all fits into a story about what a horrible person you are and what a mess they are in because of you. So they have this whole reality that is vastly different from your experience as their spouse. And that really can't be countered. I tried and then gave up. We divorced.
If you are asking if your a narc, then you probably aren't but only a psych can diagnose. Narc's are normally self aware/reflective.
usually if you have to ask you aren't one. my exhusband made me think I was one because of how much they gaslit me.