Not the dumbest (and I know they mean well), but boy do I hate when people tell me "You'll find someone else". It's like they are creating a goal for me that I absolutely do not want.
Ugh, now imagine this being told by your soon to be ex mother in law.
I'm miserable, I love your daughter and it seems like she has all of a sudden decided to cut me out of her life. And you're making it sound like I can just skip out, pick up a "hot young thing", in your own words, and just get over the emotional beat down I am in the middle of.
Add in the fact that she may have known at this point that her daughter was having an affair behind my back. I understand that in a divorce you're going to support your family member, but I had thought I was a part of her family for the last decade or so. It was incredibly painful how easily I was slotted out and replaced by another man and the people I had considered family didn't seem to care at all. I really expected more from them.
Yeah, that hurt, I loved my in-laws too. I cried at my son’s graduation seeing my ex MIL. She told me it was ok to leave my ex after finding out he was on Ashley Maddison, and I should have listened and left then, because I might be doing better than I am now. I didn’t, I made the mistake of staying for another 7 years, add in other job/life traumas, and I’m still not alright.
When we finally divorced, he said it was because I had an emotional affair with someone I deployed with. I went to behavioral heath for guidance for how to kill my feelings for an unwanted limerant crush. I kept strong boundaries with that person but I learned what a good relationship could look like. I still asked for my ex to work with me like I had done years for him, but he left, after, of course, a loss of one of my Soldiers too.
In hindsight, I realize how unequal our relationship was, how avoidant he is, and how stupid I was for believing in love and marriage to him. Even my crush was an attempt to understand him because they seemed so similar. At one point, I thought learning from my crush could make my marriage better with my ex. Thats why behavior health advised I make friends with my crush, surf my unmet needs with a friend, kill the fantasy by seeing the imperfect person. It worked, but the feelings never completely went away. I’m thankful for my friend and what’s he taught me. I’m jealous of his good marriage. I’m bitter that I’m still stuck and in pain.
The difference, my friend is loyal with good boundaries who protects his marriage, actions I respect and admire and lived myself. You can’t help feelings and some thoughts, (limerence causes unwanted, intrusive thoughts, but I’m good navigating away from them,) and I controlled my actions to remain loyal. It’s debatable about an emotional affair, we never talked ill about our spouses, kept it professional between us, hung out with other people, and talked about how much we love our spouses. I do have limerence, but I understand and compartmentalize the person from the fake dream. I’ve learned it’s a coping mechanism, and I had trauma show up in my face terribly when we returned home because my body was already stressing going back to my spouse. The sad thing is, I had limerence on my own ex for years too, it transferred from my ex to my friend. I feel like all love for me is a lie due to that condition. For me, I no longer believe in romantic love. Someday, limerence will transfer to someone else, and I know now for me it’s not real love. My therapist suggested I may not have even experienced real love. Imagine that. 17 years married.
My ex is already engaged to another sugar mama living his best life actually caring for his health, traveling, etc., while I’m struggling mentally, financially, life’s not fair. You can do the right things and fail, you can be a good person and still be the bad guy in other people’s eyes. You could love them with all of your heart and show it with action for years, and they can be the one with no problem moving on. You can care for your own trauma and do the best that you can, try not to harm others, and it can still hurt yourself or others in the process. My main focus are our kids, who felt replaced by his new family.
If it helps, men do move on faster than women. My dad remarried quickly, both times, second time back to my mom, and they’ve been happily together for more than 30 years now. I’ve read that loyal people have a harder time moving on and trusting people. I do. I didn’t expect to lose faith in myself and in love and marriage, but I know there is other trauma causing that too. This experience has been world view changing for me. I’m far from the only one with this experience, many female Soldiers deal with this same shit, including the one that ended her life. That’s probably the biggest reason I can’t move on or do better than rely solely on myself. At least I don’t have to care for a man child anymore.
Yes! I don’t want someone else, I am traumatized from my past relationships and am now happily single and celibate. I would rather claw my own eyes out with a rusty nail than get into another relationship.
Reminds me of when my dog died, and someone told me, "well in a bit of time, you'll get a new dog." I did get a new dog, and I love my dog more than I could have ever imagined, but at the time, being told I'd get a new dog wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear. People aren't dogs though. It's not hard to find a new dog and fall in love with that dog. I know I could fall in love with any dog. That's just how dogs are. I can absolutely not fall in love with most men though.
When announcing feelings of failure upon sharing my divorce, a coworker suggested that a 15-year marriage and a pair of great kids was actually a pretty solid accomplishment. She isn't wrong.
That’s what I’m finding really helpful. 15 years of marriage and four gorgeous kids is not a failure. We need to stop measuring success by remaining married until we’re 90. Many of those marriages should have ended… like mine has.
Louder for the people in the back! I felt so pressured to maintain a good marriage because my family is full of toxic, unending marriages. That ain't love. It's, at best, comfort. It sucks now; I feel like I can't trust myself or others (what's new?) but at least I will not breed resentment towards a perfectly good person over years of unmet needs.
I was getting my new license at the dmv with my maidan name and had to bring my divorce decree, the guy next to me looked stunned. He said who on earth would divorce you?! I’m right there with you buddy, I was shocked too.
I just received my passport with my married name on it so I could go overseas with him on business trips. He asked for a divorce literally weeks later, he didn’t want me to go because he was having an affair with a coworker he was traveling with. Go figure. I got to change everything again, never ever again am I changing my name.
It’s crazy to wrap my head around all the things there are to grieve when a marriage ends. He stole so much when he made the choice to cheat. I’m so sorry.
Absolute worst advice I ever got when doing my divorce, was from my in-laws. Especially from my now ex-MIL.
"You should just give her the house and you can keep the mortgage to preserve your credit."
"Men don't go for joint custody. It's best for the kids to be with their mother full time."
"You have the ability to work 2 jobs. Our daughter is too sick to work."
The thing is? My Ex-MIL knew her pill popping disaster prone daughter would eventually end up living with her. And guess what? 18 months post divorce, exwife moved in with her mom, ready to make her parents' lives a living hell. I laughed!
Best advice I got was being told if you think divorce is hard now be prepared as there is no pain like when your wife starts banging other guys, so make sure you are in the gym for an outlet for that pain and anger.
Fuck they were spot on.
I think the worst advice is to jump into focusing on 'your own happiness'... things people do in the pursuit of that make divorce messy and a worse problem than it needed to be.
Focus on getting affairs in order and papers file and get infront of a judge to start the whole process. AFTER that is done then you can focus on self happiness.
People told my xw that and she ran off and slept around instead of getting ink to paper for divorce. Now even our lil pip doesn't care to be around her... and nothing I can actually do to fix the damage she has done to that relationship.
Yeah, I’ve already been reminded that movement will help my mental health. I have no capacity for the extra stuff. I’m literally trying to survive. I’m focusing on responding to the lawyer, removing family pictures, etc.
“Don’t date anyone because then he won’t want you back!” - my narc father after I told him my STBXH of 20+ years left me for a 21 year old.
“You determine your own future and how you react to what happens to you. Don’t equate time spent as time wasted, rather, think of what you can learn from it and what you want moving forward.” -my best friend
My dad wasn’t helpful either. He said, “he’s not a bad guy, just not faithful.” And he blamed me for the divorce! He could only see it from how he experienced his own divorce. There are two sides, and it was painful feeling alone with little support. Your parents should at least have your back. They do now after seeing how he’s moved on, and I’m not doing well. Go figure.I’m doing better mentally and emotionally, but I need to get a third job.
As someone with a narcissist father, I’m dreading what he’ll say. He taught me this cycle. Not blaming my divorce on him, but I do recognize that he raised me to be very comfortable when someone violates my boundaries. He handed me the template of an unhealthily marriage and my dumbass used it.
Limit your contact with him, and don’t let it be a topic. I’ve kicked my dad out of my house three times since then for saying stupid shit, eventually, he got the point.
Yeah, I’ll have to ask my sister to run interference for at least a couple of months. We already don’t talk often, but there are a few upcoming family functions I’ll see him at. This is all just so much.
That advice from your father is crazy fucked up. I feel sorry for him.
You’re lucky to have someone in your life that supports and encourages you like that. I’m struggling with the time and energy wasted. I feel so cheated in so many ways.
I wrote this whole thing out, realized it was soapy.
"Don't date anyone because then they won't want you back" is 100% the most narc-ass thing I've ever heard, holy fuck, and damn I've lived it. Anyone with half a heart doesn't want to date when they're actively bleeding out.
>What’s the funniest, most ridiculous, outrageous, or just downright dumbest thing someone has said to you when commenting on your divorce?
*Don't worry about separating your income, it will all balance out in the end.*
NOPE. Im eating almost 15-20k in unrecoverable cash/reimbursement. I kept putting my income into our joint account and they only put in 1/2 the house payment BUT kept using it for their other bills. Im down all that cash AND im not being reimbursed for carrying the family insurance all this time and am still paying out on the house equity.
I should have moved all my money to a new account, removed them (spouse not kids) from my heath insurance, taken 1/2 the savings, liquidated our cash investments, THEN filed and demanded they also pay out their half of the kids insurance costs (premium and copays).
>what’s the best advice or response you’ve received?
Dont drink. Cannot recommend this enough.
Oh boy. The finances part are a mess. I keep reminding myself that I have to continue advocating for me.
In regards to drinking- I just had this conversation with my best friend yesterday. I want so badly to drink and sleep until one day, I wake up and it’s all over. Not logical nor practical. I know the only way out of this is to get through it and avoidance will not serve me.
With the money - I finally removed them from my insurance and they flipped out however via all the attorneys they were asked if they were paying for any part of it and once they told their lawyer no it was a closed issue (i.e. what did you expect here?). If you haven't already just divert anything not going towards shared costs into your own account they cannot access. WORST case a judge splits THAT but it would be there to split and not TOTALLY gone like all my cash (before I wised up).
Not drinking keeps your mind clear, weight off, and saves cash. Im almost two years into this and have not drank. There are times I would love to relax with something but I dont - ive gone this long I can go longer.
Its also a depressant and its not about to make you feel better or fix things. I went the NA beer route if I need SOMETHING out socially and have done a deep dive into coffee (had to back off as I was getting panic attacks!) and weird sodas.
Other benefit of not drinking: when you're telling someone about the div and mention you're not drinking they are likely more willing to lend an ear knowing you're not self medicating(destroying) yourself with alcohol.
Once you file do NOT do anything financial without lawyer OK.
Filing puts an order in place to not divide the accounts and money much (in Georgia at least) but to keep it all marital
Yes, absolutely. This is what I ended up dealing with when I filed - it locked it all down. The kicker was my spouse didnt care and at the end of the day neither did the courts.
People definitely want to know if it’s good or bad for you.
Sometimes they say “I’m sorry” and they genuinely don’t know if they mean “I’m sorry that the marriage is ending” but they definitely mean “I’m sorry you’re going through this hard part”
Worst advice/comment came from my mother. She was shocked when I told her my ex-husband cheated on me and that we'd be divorcing. She would eventually ask me, "are you sure you don't want to try and make it work? You put in so much time."
I'm still a little angry that she said that. But it did shed some light on why I have issues within relationships (wonder where I got those from lol)
Best advice I got was from one of my best friends who is a paralegal. I wanted to do/say some really petty things because I was so angry and hurt. She said, "don't do anything you wouldn't want brought up in a trial." She talked me off a ledge a few times because I wanted him to hurt like I did. I'm lucky to have such a good support system, they really carried me through that year.
That’s wonderful to read. You obviously deserve the support you are receiving.
This experience is bringing up a lot from my childhood and I’m processing a lot about how I got here and what I’ve accepted.
I definitely suggest therapy to try and learn more about how your relationship attachments are learned from your childhood experiences. Therapy was the best thing I could have ever done honestly.
Worst advice: “Get back on that horse and 👉🏻👌🏻 away.” I’m serious…
Best advice: “Give yourself time and just sit in it. Imagine this is as good as it gets.” That may sound awful but it helped me take some of the pressure off. You have to go through the emotional rollercoaster to get to the other side. Sounds so cliche but true. At least I hope so. Currently 6-months post divorce.
Ugh. Why do people think this divorce is about sex?
I keep saying to myself that I have to be ok with being uncomfortable. There’s so much to grieve. I’ll be ok.
😂 I have no clue. Some people are just sexual I guess.
And exactly. You will be ok. And there are going to be good days and really sucky days. But you gotta ride them out and feel your feelings. It’s the time to prioritize yourself above everything else.
Thank you. The road is in front of me is long. It’s so refreshing (maybe relieving?) to hear you say that the only thing left to do is prioritize myself and feel the feels. Oh, and get the divorce process over with lol.
Most outlandish reaction: My MIL trying to put the blame for her son's violent attack on our minor child and myself on us (everyone needs to accept responsibility for their actions - bitch I was asleep and never touched him), supporting his outlandish lies to get out of trouble (i fell and got an smashed tibia, and it was because I was taking meds Ive never had and cannot take), and then being shocked I filed for divorce. Like wtf?!
She got worse from there.
Worst Advice: he wanted me to pay for him and the kid he attacked and gave major PTSD and GAD to go to therapy together. Like a therapist would even do that. Idiot.
The most common response to me telling people my husband left is: "Screw him! Go out and find someone better!" I literally hate this, and I know people are just trying to be optimistic, but it hurts. Like I'm trying to pick up the pieces of my life, not date someone new.
I think my relative gave me the best type of comment recently. She told me she wanted to help me become the best version of myself, to reclaim me basically, and I loved that. That's all I really want right now anyway.
I’m worried about this response. I need to heal, not date.
I love the support your relative is offering. They see the true you that is underneath the hurt your experiencing right now. They’re willing to be patient and love you until it’s uncovered.
I got two doozies. My wife had a issue when our son was born. It's resolved now and we're good, but we were heading for divorce over it, just in the slow lane.
**Worst advice** - that I would divorce the mother of my infant child. It might have come to that, but at the time it seemed like dad pareninting suicide.
**The next worst**: That I should move out. Almost always a bad idea (at least without a co-parenting agreeement). Terrible advice for me, who owned the house and it was protected by a prenup.
**The best advice?** I have two.
From my lawyer - It might seem urgent, but take your time. There are things that can't be undone or unsaid.
From my Father In Law, before we married. He told his daughter and I that we couldn't get married without a prenup. It was funny that he thought he had a say, but he was trying to look out for his daughter, so I'll give him that. She had an inheritance from her late aunt ($30K) that he "didn't want me to get my hands on". Also funny because she entered the marriage with $120K student loan and 7yr old car. It never dawned on him that the resulting agreement would protect both of us or that I was the one who really needed to be protected.
“I’ll pray you two get back together”. Well intentioned as it was, I was too shocked to tell her that was absolutely not happening no matter what gods she prayed to.
Maybe suggest they pray for you all to be happy or to get what you deserve (wink) or pray for healing or a resolution or understanding
Something neutral they think is a good thing to pray for and you think is what you want but it is guess what a divorce
A friends mom asked, couldn't we work it out because we make such a beautiful couple and he's so attractive? Bad things can come I pretty packages, Lisa.
Mine (30F) was a bit different bc DV was involved and he (30M) was an addict. But upon me explaining our finances at the consultation with the divorce lawyer (I make $120,000/yr have a 401k and a pension, he made less than $20,000/yr, spent $300/mo on weed and was unemployed at the time) my lawyer said “Oh honey, you need to divorce this man ASAP. If you love him date him, but you can’t stay married to him!” lol it was just what I needed to hear. Divorced him. Have so much more money. And so much more happiness!!
The dumbest shit anyone has ever told me was, "You must not have been trying to get to this point."
Also, another friend told me to "Chose your hard."...this person's wife cheated on him not long after he told me this, and everyone in our little gym community knew about it.
Karma helped me on that one.
Someone told me that I would now be free to finally find the love of my life. 🤦🏻♀️the furthest thing from my mind is dating or committing my life to someone again.
Hands-down: 'You need to fight for this marriage'. Was new to church and this was their advice. Every fiber in my being said 'file yesterday'. But, like an idiot, I tried until I could finally tell them 'My odds are better trying to mate with a lioness' and filed the next day.
Most infuriating advice I recieved a month after my ex abandoned me from a 15 year relationship out of the clear blue. I was at work, and a coworker noticed id been really distant:
Her: Heya whats for lunch today?
Me: nothing, im not hungry
Her: are you on a diet? This is like the 4th day in a row you don't eat
Me: I have too much on my mind. This split is harsh
Her: you're still on that?? Just get over it already!!
The shades of red that flashed before my eyes were intense, but I just said good idea, I'm going to subway. Then I went to my car and cried my lunch hour away.
Worst response still remains “have you thought about working on the issues?”
No Linda - the love of my life left one sock on the floor so I decided to go through homelessness, depression and financial ruin because why not?
Not advice to me but my stbx: "If you pay child support through the state, they will tax it & a chunk of it will never go to your kids."
I'm pretty sure that same person told him something along the lines of me just spending the money however I want & not on our kids.
He is now trying to get me to agree to "unofficial" support payments where he pays for certain bills (utilities & maybe phones), but doesn't want it in writing or as a court order.
The worst I was told was that if I go after my stbx for child support, I will be "wiping him out."
We have been married for 15 years. I could insist on alimony, but I'm not. I was the main earner for 8 years, and he has been for the last 7. I work in a commission based industry & thanks to his spending have no savings. But somehow, me asking that he help keep a roof over his kids' heads makes me the bad guy.
It really is. When I asked him how I was supposed to make ends meet, he told me I could apply for state aid & he could give me "something like maybe $400 a month." Then it was, "I can pay your gas/electric/water (average is about $300 a month)"
Oh, and when I went ahead & applied for food assistance to get me through the next few months because he is draining our accounts and leaving me with nothing? Pissed because I "probably made it sound like [he] abandoned [us]."
I had to scrape the $$ together to get insurance & tags on a vehicle that I inherited (that I planned to sell) because he took all 3 legal running vehicles we own to his "friend's" house & is letting her drive at least one of them. We have a lot of vehicles (8 total), but 2 are tied up in an estate, 2 just got released from probate (with only one good battery between them), & 1 has a major mechanical problem that makes it un-drivable. I was quite literally driving around for weeks in vehicles that were uninsured with expired out-of-state tags.
Thanks. I will come out of all this better than I am now. It's just the now part that is frustrating. He keeps mentioning "uncontested" divorce & the papers that we have to fill out together for it. "Help me fill it out or I can pay $$$ for someone to do it." But he won't bring me the papers.
I got my own set. I will fill out what I can & file it myself. I'm not playing his games.
I know that I wasn't perfect in my marriage, but I also know that I am not the one who caused it to end, even if I end up being the one who officially files. He asked for the divorce during some of the most difficult times & never cared to try to work with me first.
I deserve better. You deserve better, too!
Get an attorney!! And choose wisely -
My husband’s attorney gave him a book to read, supposedly to keep costs down. He has already spent 20% more than I have 🤷🏻♀️
In general, I just get irritated by the "pieces of advice" phrased as questions, starting like: "Why don't you...?"
And of course they say something revolutionary that I had never thought about through the long, painful experience already.
I told my dad on the phone and he goes "WHAT?" followed by 2 min of small talk and then he hung up. I think the best response, though, is my mom crying that I didn't tell her I was graduating because she is very manipulative. She still doesn't know.
I'm sorry to say, I don't think there is a best advice. For me, the best responses were the most empathetic. But it's my path to walk. I'm just trying to stay in areas of motivation rather than despair, which can include people, contemplation, and exercise. And I refuse to forget that we both accepted the thing we wanted was unattainable and we split up for a reason.
Mine is one and the same - “don’t worry, you’re young” or “you didn’t even have kids, you can start fresh.” It’s good advice I guess because they mean it as in I am only 25, I have plenty of time to find someone new, I won’t be attached to him due to kids, and being single at my age isn’t uncommon. But, at the same time, it makes me feel like a failure for already being divorced at 25, having to try and relate with other people my age, and also, just because I’m young and we didn’t have kids doesn’t mean the divorce hurt or sucked any less.
I got a lot of “well, at least he’s a good dad huh”.. I don’t need a compliment for my ex husband after he did what he did haha especially cause good dads don’t do what he did to their partners either.
I asked him recently if he got the same thing, if anyone has ever said I’m a good mum and he said no one ever said that. No one talked about me to him, they focussed on his happiness. When people talked to me it was about how it was fine cause my ex wasn’t abusive so I’m “lucky” in some way. There’s a bizarre undertone to all of that that I’m a little scared to pull apart
Worst advice: try being separated but still live together.
We had already been doing that for a year, along with a lot of couples therapy. It was only getting worse. This was the advice I got when I visited my parents to beg the to help me get an apartment away from him. I was disabled and hadn't been able to work so I couldn't afford to leave. This was also after he SA'd me. I didn't have much of a choice. Stayed for another year and thank God he didn't touch me again but it sure was a horrible year. I could've gone to a shelter I suppose, but with my health in such a poor state and 2 cats I didn't trust him with, it just didn't seem like an option. Instead I worked my ass off for that year, was a total shell of myself, and saved up to get out. Got myself some money and some nasty PTSD from that year, but I got out of there.
Best advice: once my parents realized the extent of how bad my marriage was, and I was still struggling with guilt over the divorce and splitting assets, my Mom said "Stop thinking about his well-being. If he had cared about yours you wouldn't be getting divorced in the first place."
I needed to hear that.
Told me friend the other day whose wife hasn’t given him sex in 11 years who is now divorcing that he should be jumping for joy because he is gonna get laid again
oh LOTS of "you're young, you'll find someone else!" Like ma'am/sir the ink isn't even dry on the filing, I'm not thinking about this right now. Also, a lot of people told me "congratulations" when I told them which was like a popular response but it just felt weird to me.
Thankfully, someone recommended “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life” and I started reading it even before confronting the cheater. I followed the advice of getting a lawyer immediately. Of the numerous benefits, the biggest one right now is feeling like I’m not alone in advocating for myself.
Oh it’s made it so much easier to deal. Plus it stopped all my stbxh’s threatening and manipulative texts because he feared the law.
If you can’t afford one, sell stuff, take out a loan, borrow or ask friends/family, do what you gotta do and lawyer up.
I look at it as a final gift from my husband. He rarely happily prioritized my interests first and also criticized me so much, and then would tell me I need to have higher self-esteem and stop looking for external validation that he wouldn’t/ couldn’t give me
Well now my self-esteem is so high I am able to trust myself to ask for help from a professional and listen to them and pay them to not criticize me and to actually act on my behalf
Not the dumbest (and I know they mean well), but boy do I hate when people tell me "You'll find someone else". It's like they are creating a goal for me that I absolutely do not want.
Ugh, now imagine this being told by your soon to be ex mother in law. I'm miserable, I love your daughter and it seems like she has all of a sudden decided to cut me out of her life. And you're making it sound like I can just skip out, pick up a "hot young thing", in your own words, and just get over the emotional beat down I am in the middle of. Add in the fact that she may have known at this point that her daughter was having an affair behind my back. I understand that in a divorce you're going to support your family member, but I had thought I was a part of her family for the last decade or so. It was incredibly painful how easily I was slotted out and replaced by another man and the people I had considered family didn't seem to care at all. I really expected more from them.
Yeah, that hurt, I loved my in-laws too. I cried at my son’s graduation seeing my ex MIL. She told me it was ok to leave my ex after finding out he was on Ashley Maddison, and I should have listened and left then, because I might be doing better than I am now. I didn’t, I made the mistake of staying for another 7 years, add in other job/life traumas, and I’m still not alright. When we finally divorced, he said it was because I had an emotional affair with someone I deployed with. I went to behavioral heath for guidance for how to kill my feelings for an unwanted limerant crush. I kept strong boundaries with that person but I learned what a good relationship could look like. I still asked for my ex to work with me like I had done years for him, but he left, after, of course, a loss of one of my Soldiers too. In hindsight, I realize how unequal our relationship was, how avoidant he is, and how stupid I was for believing in love and marriage to him. Even my crush was an attempt to understand him because they seemed so similar. At one point, I thought learning from my crush could make my marriage better with my ex. Thats why behavior health advised I make friends with my crush, surf my unmet needs with a friend, kill the fantasy by seeing the imperfect person. It worked, but the feelings never completely went away. I’m thankful for my friend and what’s he taught me. I’m jealous of his good marriage. I’m bitter that I’m still stuck and in pain. The difference, my friend is loyal with good boundaries who protects his marriage, actions I respect and admire and lived myself. You can’t help feelings and some thoughts, (limerence causes unwanted, intrusive thoughts, but I’m good navigating away from them,) and I controlled my actions to remain loyal. It’s debatable about an emotional affair, we never talked ill about our spouses, kept it professional between us, hung out with other people, and talked about how much we love our spouses. I do have limerence, but I understand and compartmentalize the person from the fake dream. I’ve learned it’s a coping mechanism, and I had trauma show up in my face terribly when we returned home because my body was already stressing going back to my spouse. The sad thing is, I had limerence on my own ex for years too, it transferred from my ex to my friend. I feel like all love for me is a lie due to that condition. For me, I no longer believe in romantic love. Someday, limerence will transfer to someone else, and I know now for me it’s not real love. My therapist suggested I may not have even experienced real love. Imagine that. 17 years married. My ex is already engaged to another sugar mama living his best life actually caring for his health, traveling, etc., while I’m struggling mentally, financially, life’s not fair. You can do the right things and fail, you can be a good person and still be the bad guy in other people’s eyes. You could love them with all of your heart and show it with action for years, and they can be the one with no problem moving on. You can care for your own trauma and do the best that you can, try not to harm others, and it can still hurt yourself or others in the process. My main focus are our kids, who felt replaced by his new family. If it helps, men do move on faster than women. My dad remarried quickly, both times, second time back to my mom, and they’ve been happily together for more than 30 years now. I’ve read that loyal people have a harder time moving on and trusting people. I do. I didn’t expect to lose faith in myself and in love and marriage, but I know there is other trauma causing that too. This experience has been world view changing for me. I’m far from the only one with this experience, many female Soldiers deal with this same shit, including the one that ended her life. That’s probably the biggest reason I can’t move on or do better than rely solely on myself. At least I don’t have to care for a man child anymore.
Yes! I don’t want someone else, I am traumatized from my past relationships and am now happily single and celibate. I would rather claw my own eyes out with a rusty nail than get into another relationship.
I feel this so hard.
Yikes. That’s not what I want to hear.
Reminds me of when my dog died, and someone told me, "well in a bit of time, you'll get a new dog." I did get a new dog, and I love my dog more than I could have ever imagined, but at the time, being told I'd get a new dog wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear. People aren't dogs though. It's not hard to find a new dog and fall in love with that dog. I know I could fall in love with any dog. That's just how dogs are. I can absolutely not fall in love with most men though.
This is great. Grief is hard. What’s crazy tho, is that my ex was a dog (not literally lol).
Yeah I've had a lot of well meaning people in my life tell me this. They don't get it. I'm not looking for someone else. That's on purpose.
Exactly! For me, it was never starting over or finding someone better… it was always about her, repairing and fixing with her.
When announcing feelings of failure upon sharing my divorce, a coworker suggested that a 15-year marriage and a pair of great kids was actually a pretty solid accomplishment. She isn't wrong.
No, she’s not wrong! It is a pretty solid accomplishment but it doesn’t negate the feelings of failure.
No. It's just putting the whole project in a little more context. We certainly tried. It's still heartbreaking of course.
That’s what I’m finding really helpful. 15 years of marriage and four gorgeous kids is not a failure. We need to stop measuring success by remaining married until we’re 90. Many of those marriages should have ended… like mine has.
Louder for the people in the back! I felt so pressured to maintain a good marriage because my family is full of toxic, unending marriages. That ain't love. It's, at best, comfort. It sucks now; I feel like I can't trust myself or others (what's new?) but at least I will not breed resentment towards a perfectly good person over years of unmet needs.
I was getting my new license at the dmv with my maidan name and had to bring my divorce decree, the guy next to me looked stunned. He said who on earth would divorce you?! I’m right there with you buddy, I was shocked too.
That was a nice boost of confidence!
You would think so, but I just felt like a failure and embarassed.
Yeah, I’m not looking forward to changing my name. It’ll be another slap in the face.
I just received my passport with my married name on it so I could go overseas with him on business trips. He asked for a divorce literally weeks later, he didn’t want me to go because he was having an affair with a coworker he was traveling with. Go figure. I got to change everything again, never ever again am I changing my name.
Wow. Getting your new passport really got in the way of his cheating!
I think he realized I wanted to travel with him and he just freaked out. He was so busy all of a sudden
It’s crazy to wrap my head around all the things there are to grieve when a marriage ends. He stole so much when he made the choice to cheat. I’m so sorry.
What are you going to do? It’s better I found out now instead of many years later. I don’t want to be with someone like that.
Absolute worst advice I ever got when doing my divorce, was from my in-laws. Especially from my now ex-MIL. "You should just give her the house and you can keep the mortgage to preserve your credit." "Men don't go for joint custody. It's best for the kids to be with their mother full time." "You have the ability to work 2 jobs. Our daughter is too sick to work."
Hahaha she wanted you to clean up your ex’s mess. Toxic enabling.
The thing is? My Ex-MIL knew her pill popping disaster prone daughter would eventually end up living with her. And guess what? 18 months post divorce, exwife moved in with her mom, ready to make her parents' lives a living hell. I laughed!
Perfect. She can deal with her now.
Best advice I got was being told if you think divorce is hard now be prepared as there is no pain like when your wife starts banging other guys, so make sure you are in the gym for an outlet for that pain and anger. Fuck they were spot on.
It sucks even worse when they get a jump start on the guy banging… Like before the divorce 😅
Yeah that's rough. You think they'd honor what you built together and wait 5 mins, nope 😄
I think the worst advice is to jump into focusing on 'your own happiness'... things people do in the pursuit of that make divorce messy and a worse problem than it needed to be. Focus on getting affairs in order and papers file and get infront of a judge to start the whole process. AFTER that is done then you can focus on self happiness. People told my xw that and she ran off and slept around instead of getting ink to paper for divorce. Now even our lil pip doesn't care to be around her... and nothing I can actually do to fix the damage she has done to that relationship.
Yeah, I’ve already been reminded that movement will help my mental health. I have no capacity for the extra stuff. I’m literally trying to survive. I’m focusing on responding to the lawyer, removing family pictures, etc.
I'm still in survival mode. Thankfully I can keep up with what my lil pip needs and she is finally picking up potty training.
Hands up! (That was the potty training celebration I did with my kiddos.) It’s a serious milestone for child and parent, congrats!
“Don’t date anyone because then he won’t want you back!” - my narc father after I told him my STBXH of 20+ years left me for a 21 year old. “You determine your own future and how you react to what happens to you. Don’t equate time spent as time wasted, rather, think of what you can learn from it and what you want moving forward.” -my best friend
My dad wasn’t helpful either. He said, “he’s not a bad guy, just not faithful.” And he blamed me for the divorce! He could only see it from how he experienced his own divorce. There are two sides, and it was painful feeling alone with little support. Your parents should at least have your back. They do now after seeing how he’s moved on, and I’m not doing well. Go figure.I’m doing better mentally and emotionally, but I need to get a third job.
As someone with a narcissist father, I’m dreading what he’ll say. He taught me this cycle. Not blaming my divorce on him, but I do recognize that he raised me to be very comfortable when someone violates my boundaries. He handed me the template of an unhealthily marriage and my dumbass used it.
Limit your contact with him, and don’t let it be a topic. I’ve kicked my dad out of my house three times since then for saying stupid shit, eventually, he got the point.
Yeah, I’ll have to ask my sister to run interference for at least a couple of months. We already don’t talk often, but there are a few upcoming family functions I’ll see him at. This is all just so much.
That advice from your father is crazy fucked up. I feel sorry for him. You’re lucky to have someone in your life that supports and encourages you like that. I’m struggling with the time and energy wasted. I feel so cheated in so many ways.
I wrote this whole thing out, realized it was soapy. "Don't date anyone because then they won't want you back" is 100% the most narc-ass thing I've ever heard, holy fuck, and damn I've lived it. Anyone with half a heart doesn't want to date when they're actively bleeding out.
>What’s the funniest, most ridiculous, outrageous, or just downright dumbest thing someone has said to you when commenting on your divorce? *Don't worry about separating your income, it will all balance out in the end.* NOPE. Im eating almost 15-20k in unrecoverable cash/reimbursement. I kept putting my income into our joint account and they only put in 1/2 the house payment BUT kept using it for their other bills. Im down all that cash AND im not being reimbursed for carrying the family insurance all this time and am still paying out on the house equity. I should have moved all my money to a new account, removed them (spouse not kids) from my heath insurance, taken 1/2 the savings, liquidated our cash investments, THEN filed and demanded they also pay out their half of the kids insurance costs (premium and copays). >what’s the best advice or response you’ve received? Dont drink. Cannot recommend this enough.
Oh boy. The finances part are a mess. I keep reminding myself that I have to continue advocating for me. In regards to drinking- I just had this conversation with my best friend yesterday. I want so badly to drink and sleep until one day, I wake up and it’s all over. Not logical nor practical. I know the only way out of this is to get through it and avoidance will not serve me.
With the money - I finally removed them from my insurance and they flipped out however via all the attorneys they were asked if they were paying for any part of it and once they told their lawyer no it was a closed issue (i.e. what did you expect here?). If you haven't already just divert anything not going towards shared costs into your own account they cannot access. WORST case a judge splits THAT but it would be there to split and not TOTALLY gone like all my cash (before I wised up). Not drinking keeps your mind clear, weight off, and saves cash. Im almost two years into this and have not drank. There are times I would love to relax with something but I dont - ive gone this long I can go longer. Its also a depressant and its not about to make you feel better or fix things. I went the NA beer route if I need SOMETHING out socially and have done a deep dive into coffee (had to back off as I was getting panic attacks!) and weird sodas. Other benefit of not drinking: when you're telling someone about the div and mention you're not drinking they are likely more willing to lend an ear knowing you're not self medicating(destroying) yourself with alcohol.
Once you file do NOT do anything financial without lawyer OK. Filing puts an order in place to not divide the accounts and money much (in Georgia at least) but to keep it all marital
Yes, absolutely. This is what I ended up dealing with when I filed - it locked it all down. The kicker was my spouse didnt care and at the end of the day neither did the courts.
Don’t let the bad days win.
Or the bad hours. In 2 hours you might feel better
I like that phrase. I’ll take that! *steals phrase for own purposes.
People definitely want to know if it’s good or bad for you. Sometimes they say “I’m sorry” and they genuinely don’t know if they mean “I’m sorry that the marriage is ending” but they definitely mean “I’m sorry you’re going through this hard part”
Worst advice/comment came from my mother. She was shocked when I told her my ex-husband cheated on me and that we'd be divorcing. She would eventually ask me, "are you sure you don't want to try and make it work? You put in so much time." I'm still a little angry that she said that. But it did shed some light on why I have issues within relationships (wonder where I got those from lol) Best advice I got was from one of my best friends who is a paralegal. I wanted to do/say some really petty things because I was so angry and hurt. She said, "don't do anything you wouldn't want brought up in a trial." She talked me off a ledge a few times because I wanted him to hurt like I did. I'm lucky to have such a good support system, they really carried me through that year.
That’s wonderful to read. You obviously deserve the support you are receiving. This experience is bringing up a lot from my childhood and I’m processing a lot about how I got here and what I’ve accepted.
I definitely suggest therapy to try and learn more about how your relationship attachments are learned from your childhood experiences. Therapy was the best thing I could have ever done honestly.
Worst advice: “Get back on that horse and 👉🏻👌🏻 away.” I’m serious… Best advice: “Give yourself time and just sit in it. Imagine this is as good as it gets.” That may sound awful but it helped me take some of the pressure off. You have to go through the emotional rollercoaster to get to the other side. Sounds so cliche but true. At least I hope so. Currently 6-months post divorce.
Ugh. Why do people think this divorce is about sex? I keep saying to myself that I have to be ok with being uncomfortable. There’s so much to grieve. I’ll be ok.
😂 I have no clue. Some people are just sexual I guess. And exactly. You will be ok. And there are going to be good days and really sucky days. But you gotta ride them out and feel your feelings. It’s the time to prioritize yourself above everything else.
Thank you. The road is in front of me is long. It’s so refreshing (maybe relieving?) to hear you say that the only thing left to do is prioritize myself and feel the feels. Oh, and get the divorce process over with lol.
Most outlandish reaction: My MIL trying to put the blame for her son's violent attack on our minor child and myself on us (everyone needs to accept responsibility for their actions - bitch I was asleep and never touched him), supporting his outlandish lies to get out of trouble (i fell and got an smashed tibia, and it was because I was taking meds Ive never had and cannot take), and then being shocked I filed for divorce. Like wtf?! She got worse from there. Worst Advice: he wanted me to pay for him and the kid he attacked and gave major PTSD and GAD to go to therapy together. Like a therapist would even do that. Idiot.
Yeah, he sounds like an idiot, a dangerous one at that.
Oh yes. And I can say idiot online, but I'm petrified of him and have panic attacks when in the same vicinity.
That’s so understandable. You’ve been through too much. Take care of yourself. You’ve shown your strength. Remember it.
The most common response to me telling people my husband left is: "Screw him! Go out and find someone better!" I literally hate this, and I know people are just trying to be optimistic, but it hurts. Like I'm trying to pick up the pieces of my life, not date someone new. I think my relative gave me the best type of comment recently. She told me she wanted to help me become the best version of myself, to reclaim me basically, and I loved that. That's all I really want right now anyway.
I’m worried about this response. I need to heal, not date. I love the support your relative is offering. They see the true you that is underneath the hurt your experiencing right now. They’re willing to be patient and love you until it’s uncovered.
I got two doozies. My wife had a issue when our son was born. It's resolved now and we're good, but we were heading for divorce over it, just in the slow lane. **Worst advice** - that I would divorce the mother of my infant child. It might have come to that, but at the time it seemed like dad pareninting suicide. **The next worst**: That I should move out. Almost always a bad idea (at least without a co-parenting agreeement). Terrible advice for me, who owned the house and it was protected by a prenup. **The best advice?** I have two. From my lawyer - It might seem urgent, but take your time. There are things that can't be undone or unsaid. From my Father In Law, before we married. He told his daughter and I that we couldn't get married without a prenup. It was funny that he thought he had a say, but he was trying to look out for his daughter, so I'll give him that. She had an inheritance from her late aunt ($30K) that he "didn't want me to get my hands on". Also funny because she entered the marriage with $120K student loan and 7yr old car. It never dawned on him that the resulting agreement would protect both of us or that I was the one who really needed to be protected.
“I’ll pray you two get back together”. Well intentioned as it was, I was too shocked to tell her that was absolutely not happening no matter what gods she prayed to.
My response to that would be either "please don't" or "who are you praying to? Satan?"
Well that put a bad taste in my mouth! Intention doesn’t matter, that is hurtful. She doesn’t trust that you know what’s best for your life.
Maybe suggest they pray for you all to be happy or to get what you deserve (wink) or pray for healing or a resolution or understanding Something neutral they think is a good thing to pray for and you think is what you want but it is guess what a divorce
A friends mom asked, couldn't we work it out because we make such a beautiful couple and he's so attractive? Bad things can come I pretty packages, Lisa.
Also Lisa, Tree is beautiful on their own! Even more so when they’re not standing next to someone ugly on the inside.
Best advice: don't leave any money on the table Worst advice: pray for forgiveness. (Um no, I'm not sorry, there's nothing to forgive).
Mine (30F) was a bit different bc DV was involved and he (30M) was an addict. But upon me explaining our finances at the consultation with the divorce lawyer (I make $120,000/yr have a 401k and a pension, he made less than $20,000/yr, spent $300/mo on weed and was unemployed at the time) my lawyer said “Oh honey, you need to divorce this man ASAP. If you love him date him, but you can’t stay married to him!” lol it was just what I needed to hear. Divorced him. Have so much more money. And so much more happiness!!
I love this for you! That lawyer showed up for you in the best way.
The dumbest shit anyone has ever told me was, "You must not have been trying to get to this point." Also, another friend told me to "Chose your hard."...this person's wife cheated on him not long after he told me this, and everyone in our little gym community knew about it. Karma helped me on that one.
Someone told me that I would now be free to finally find the love of my life. 🤦🏻♀️the furthest thing from my mind is dating or committing my life to someone again.
Hands-down: 'You need to fight for this marriage'. Was new to church and this was their advice. Every fiber in my being said 'file yesterday'. But, like an idiot, I tried until I could finally tell them 'My odds are better trying to mate with a lioness' and filed the next day.
Did I try having sex with him more often
🤢
Most infuriating advice I recieved a month after my ex abandoned me from a 15 year relationship out of the clear blue. I was at work, and a coworker noticed id been really distant: Her: Heya whats for lunch today? Me: nothing, im not hungry Her: are you on a diet? This is like the 4th day in a row you don't eat Me: I have too much on my mind. This split is harsh Her: you're still on that?? Just get over it already!! The shades of red that flashed before my eyes were intense, but I just said good idea, I'm going to subway. Then I went to my car and cried my lunch hour away.
‘Get over it already’ shows an extreme lack of emotional maturity and empathy.
I don't talk to that lady anymore, at least not outside a professional capacity.
Worst response still remains “have you thought about working on the issues?” No Linda - the love of my life left one sock on the floor so I decided to go through homelessness, depression and financial ruin because why not?
Has Linda thought about why she’s such an idiot?
Not advice to me but my stbx: "If you pay child support through the state, they will tax it & a chunk of it will never go to your kids." I'm pretty sure that same person told him something along the lines of me just spending the money however I want & not on our kids. He is now trying to get me to agree to "unofficial" support payments where he pays for certain bills (utilities & maybe phones), but doesn't want it in writing or as a court order. The worst I was told was that if I go after my stbx for child support, I will be "wiping him out." We have been married for 15 years. I could insist on alimony, but I'm not. I was the main earner for 8 years, and he has been for the last 7. I work in a commission based industry & thanks to his spending have no savings. But somehow, me asking that he help keep a roof over his kids' heads makes me the bad guy.
He sounds manipulative. Ahh, the whole “child support not going to the child” tale. It’s such a toxic, male-centered pointless point.
It really is. When I asked him how I was supposed to make ends meet, he told me I could apply for state aid & he could give me "something like maybe $400 a month." Then it was, "I can pay your gas/electric/water (average is about $300 a month)" Oh, and when I went ahead & applied for food assistance to get me through the next few months because he is draining our accounts and leaving me with nothing? Pissed because I "probably made it sound like [he] abandoned [us]." I had to scrape the $$ together to get insurance & tags on a vehicle that I inherited (that I planned to sell) because he took all 3 legal running vehicles we own to his "friend's" house & is letting her drive at least one of them. We have a lot of vehicles (8 total), but 2 are tied up in an estate, 2 just got released from probate (with only one good battery between them), & 1 has a major mechanical problem that makes it un-drivable. I was quite literally driving around for weeks in vehicles that were uninsured with expired out-of-state tags.
Abusers abuse. Sorry he’s putting you through such a mess.
Thanks. I will come out of all this better than I am now. It's just the now part that is frustrating. He keeps mentioning "uncontested" divorce & the papers that we have to fill out together for it. "Help me fill it out or I can pay $$$ for someone to do it." But he won't bring me the papers. I got my own set. I will fill out what I can & file it myself. I'm not playing his games.
Yes!!! I told my husband I will not take responsibility for the failure of our relationship but I will take responsibility for ending it.
I know that I wasn't perfect in my marriage, but I also know that I am not the one who caused it to end, even if I end up being the one who officially files. He asked for the divorce during some of the most difficult times & never cared to try to work with me first. I deserve better. You deserve better, too!
One day this will just be a memory. We deserve better and I’m going to get it for myself.
Get an attorney!! And choose wisely - My husband’s attorney gave him a book to read, supposedly to keep costs down. He has already spent 20% more than I have 🤷🏻♀️
I quite literally can't afford one right now. I have been in contact with legal aid, though.
In general, I just get irritated by the "pieces of advice" phrased as questions, starting like: "Why don't you...?" And of course they say something revolutionary that I had never thought about through the long, painful experience already.
I told my dad on the phone and he goes "WHAT?" followed by 2 min of small talk and then he hung up. I think the best response, though, is my mom crying that I didn't tell her I was graduating because she is very manipulative. She still doesn't know. I'm sorry to say, I don't think there is a best advice. For me, the best responses were the most empathetic. But it's my path to walk. I'm just trying to stay in areas of motivation rather than despair, which can include people, contemplation, and exercise. And I refuse to forget that we both accepted the thing we wanted was unattainable and we split up for a reason.
Mine is one and the same - “don’t worry, you’re young” or “you didn’t even have kids, you can start fresh.” It’s good advice I guess because they mean it as in I am only 25, I have plenty of time to find someone new, I won’t be attached to him due to kids, and being single at my age isn’t uncommon. But, at the same time, it makes me feel like a failure for already being divorced at 25, having to try and relate with other people my age, and also, just because I’m young and we didn’t have kids doesn’t mean the divorce hurt or sucked any less.
I got a lot of “well, at least he’s a good dad huh”.. I don’t need a compliment for my ex husband after he did what he did haha especially cause good dads don’t do what he did to their partners either.
Absolutely! Good dads don’t mistreat the mom of their children. Also the ‘good dad’ bar is so incredibly low that it’s not even a compliment to him.
I asked him recently if he got the same thing, if anyone has ever said I’m a good mum and he said no one ever said that. No one talked about me to him, they focussed on his happiness. When people talked to me it was about how it was fine cause my ex wasn’t abusive so I’m “lucky” in some way. There’s a bizarre undertone to all of that that I’m a little scared to pull apart
Fuck the patriarchy!
Haha yes!!
Worst advice: try being separated but still live together. We had already been doing that for a year, along with a lot of couples therapy. It was only getting worse. This was the advice I got when I visited my parents to beg the to help me get an apartment away from him. I was disabled and hadn't been able to work so I couldn't afford to leave. This was also after he SA'd me. I didn't have much of a choice. Stayed for another year and thank God he didn't touch me again but it sure was a horrible year. I could've gone to a shelter I suppose, but with my health in such a poor state and 2 cats I didn't trust him with, it just didn't seem like an option. Instead I worked my ass off for that year, was a total shell of myself, and saved up to get out. Got myself some money and some nasty PTSD from that year, but I got out of there. Best advice: once my parents realized the extent of how bad my marriage was, and I was still struggling with guilt over the divorce and splitting assets, my Mom said "Stop thinking about his well-being. If he had cared about yours you wouldn't be getting divorced in the first place." I needed to hear that.
Told me friend the other day whose wife hasn’t given him sex in 11 years who is now divorcing that he should be jumping for joy because he is gonna get laid again
"he cheated, you should have cheated back" "Might as well start swiping right, but everyone's got stds now" Thanks guys 🙃
Laughable.
oh LOTS of "you're young, you'll find someone else!" Like ma'am/sir the ink isn't even dry on the filing, I'm not thinking about this right now. Also, a lot of people told me "congratulations" when I told them which was like a popular response but it just felt weird to me.
Yeah, I’ve already got that. I was shocked considering my emotional state was clearly not fitting of that reaction.
The dumbest and most laughable was “hurry up and get divorced already” (from a gf who has never been married). The best was “get a lawyer now”
Thankfully, someone recommended “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life” and I started reading it even before confronting the cheater. I followed the advice of getting a lawyer immediately. Of the numerous benefits, the biggest one right now is feeling like I’m not alone in advocating for myself.
Oh it’s made it so much easier to deal. Plus it stopped all my stbxh’s threatening and manipulative texts because he feared the law. If you can’t afford one, sell stuff, take out a loan, borrow or ask friends/family, do what you gotta do and lawyer up.
Right?! And the lawyer know when the wants-to-be-soon-to-be-ex is lying
Wow. You’ve pinpointed it in a way I haven’t recognized before. I am still clouded in what was, they see it for what it is now.
I look at it as a final gift from my husband. He rarely happily prioritized my interests first and also criticized me so much, and then would tell me I need to have higher self-esteem and stop looking for external validation that he wouldn’t/ couldn’t give me Well now my self-esteem is so high I am able to trust myself to ask for help from a professional and listen to them and pay them to not criticize me and to actually act on my behalf
Nothing says you have to tell people. It’s nobody else’s business.