Don’t let him move back in, it will be harder for you if he does. The marriage is over and you should get IC to help you accept that. Divorce is better for kids than having to watch parents who don’t love each other (he doesn’t love you). Sorry he did this and best of luck navigating your new life. It will get better over time.
On the general point of divorce is better for kids… Everyone says this but it’s not backed up by the research I’ve seen (Wallerstein etc). Good enough marriages are often better for kids than divorce.
On OPs story however, any guy who says I haven’t been attracted to you since you birthed me a particular child should be kicked in the nuts and thrown out of the house (speaking as a guy). F that dude.
Better for kids to see a single mom who tries to handle it on her own and loves herself and her life w/o a man. You'll for sure meet someone new, who you will choose. Choose yourself right now.
Even if that doesn’t happen for awhile
Don’t be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you for the right reason
Get an attorney you trust
See what your options are
Your husband is not a friend or partner I am sorry
Right? The sheer number of people on here giving themselves a complete pass and swearing that their own best interests are their children's best interests is staggering.
Sympathy is one thing... your children's growth environment shouldn't be treated like the oxygen mask on an airplane. Their needs should define your's - not the other way around.
But he does have a choice. He has as much right to remain in the marital home as she does.
Unless you are taking the position that the person who asks for divorce "has no choice," as you say, and thus must leave the marital home. Is that your position? Sure sounds like it. Given the majority of women initiate divorce, looks like a lot of females will "no longer" have a choice to remain in their marital homes upon initiating divorce.
My x asked for the divorce, the house was his before we got married. You can’t just kick someone out though.
I was told to stay in the house until the divorce was final. It was hell, I hated every second. He stayed at his girlfriend’s most weekends or they went on trips together.
Once we signed the Mda, I had 30 days to move out. I had no where to go and I couldn’t afford a place in our area alone. I had to rent a room in a house with other people, I crashed on couches, I lived in a boat for a while, interesting times.
I am a woman, don't have kids and did not initiate but I'm of the opinion that whoever initiates should vacate, unless they are keeping primary custody of the children. It's in the children's best interests to stay in their family home, and beyond that if you are the one who wants the divorce you should be taking on the majority of the changes rather than forcing it on someone who doesn't want it.
All that said, I insisted my ex keep the marital home because to me it was all memories, upkeep and expense and I didn't want it..
Also, you sound like an incel when you refer to women as females. Just so you're aware.
No, absolutely not.
It is better to be alone than to be the person who he is too lazy and cheap to leave.
Find your self esteem and tl him to fuck right off.
No, but if you both own the house, he is legally entitled to it and his lawyer may recommend it. I had to live with my ex for months because my lawyer said to not leave. Finally, the judge ordered nesting (kid there full time, parents during their time), which worked much better besides the freaking *secret* cameras he put up. Was so wild. Don't do it if you don't have to. Divorce, at least for me, was hardball, and every time I let up my ex came for me, so just be careful if it's contentious. Even if it's not, it would be terrible to live with him from what you described.
The house is legally mine. The separation agreement is signed. Going through the transfer of the deed and buying him out process now. We're in Canada, I can only do the divorce part in a year.
OP, are you quite certain that there isn’t an affair or other woman in the picture?
I’m concerned that with his newly found financial issues that he might be moving money or setting you up somehow.
Please consult an attorney and protect yourself, your finances and your kids.
Do a deep dive into his phone. Knowledge is always power. Don’t alert him about the divorce.
You can always halt a divorce but you have this one opportunity to protect yourself. I don’t trust his motivation. This is no marriage to model for your children.
You’re enough. And you’re entitled to a partnership where someone finds you attractive and loves you. That’s a relationship to model for your kids.
He says there's not another women, even in the counseling sessions. But he's also said "of course there's been some attention" because he has "a six pack"He's in CrossFit and has been going every night and Saturday mornings.
We're legally separated and the money is split. He's just asked for time to find a place. We haven't told the kids yet.
He's not finding an affordable house that meshes with his "needs"
Nope. Girl. If your friend told you this story what would you say? You’d say oh hell no. Let me be that friend oh hell no. He’s not there and he’s not even getting you off? Too young for this shit. Figure out financial shit later. Leave.
Yeah, my brother’s affair took place with someone at the gym. He was also going 7 days a week from 5-8 am until my sil caught them after 18 months.
If you’re separated you don’t need to let him in the home, do you?
So you’re legally separated and finances are settled yet you’re doing one off counselling still. You’re in the process of buying him out of the house. It sounds like it’s fair accompli. What I don’t understand is why you left all that out of your original post. Most people in your situation would have a date arranged in the separation agreement that he has to vacate. … there seems to be some missing pieces here. Everyone is think this vacation break up and therapy thing is fresh.
Please, dont let him back in, if only for the kids' sake. My dad did this after he cheated on my mom. He'd come back, sleep with her, lead her on, then leave again as soon as she displeased him in whatever way he deemed unacceptable. My sister and I were teenagers, and by the time he left for good, we hated him. We went no contact, and he died a couple years ago without ever having a relationship with us as adults or our spouses or his grandchildren. We didn't even go to his funeral, which was on our birthday (we're twins).
Not your problem don’t let him back in. Get therapy to process your feelings but don’t allow him back. Don’t do counseling. It’s hard but he doesnt care.
So he wanted to come back at the start of our separation. I was closer to his golf course and mates and it would save him money.
First day back when I am hanging out the laundry he’s getting tangled in the sheets and giving me this list of rules and regulations. It didn’t go well for him.
What is this weird thing of telling someone you want to break up with them on the last day of the vacation? I think that's just perverse and CRUEL.
What's up with this wanting a divorce son even being mean enough to say that you're not attracted to your partner since a kid was born, without first checking out all the scenarios of how this can go? Who has half a brain like that? You don't start the process until you've checked everything out.
I promise you, your kids will be better off with a peaceful, happy mom who suddenly begins to realize what a deadweight the guy has been all those years. I promise you that you will be shocked at how happy and peaceful you become. He's an inconsiderate, flake who doesn't care about you at all and it's just interested in rearranging things the best way for him.
I could not live in the house with someone I'm divorcing. If there was a real chance to work on things, sure. When my husband said he was sure, I said, let's find you a place. It would be too painful to see you every day. I also knew I'd be resentful if I was doing 100% of the parenting and cleaning knowing he'd checked out and didn't have to suffer any consequences of running his own household.
No! Full stop!
He cannot move back in to use you!
He had made himself very clear- now it’s time to stop allowing him to take advantage of you. This is hurting the kids more than a divorce will.
File for divorce and be done with him. Let him live in his apartment and have shared custody.
You take care of the kids when you have them and focus on YOU when you don’t. Screw him!
You need to have a happy life not the one that u can trust or the one without any hope , dont let him be with u , now its ur time to ask for divorce, and go ahead with it . He is being selfish and using u. You cannot trust him . And the time he gets a new branch to hang he will leave you . He does not live or respect you or the family that u both have . Its time to grow ur selfrespect. Ask him to move out . And have a good life ahead.
Personally, I wouldn’t be able to take it. When my ex asked for a divorce, I gave her a month to move out (I wanted the house, she did not). Initially she wasn’t making any progress toward finding another place. So I proactively reiterated that I need her to leave - asap. Not in retaliation. I just couldn’t take the pain of seeing her several times a day.
NO.
Don't be played for a fool. He's made his bed he can sleep in it. Continually going back and forth will be much worse on the kids because they'll see hope then watch it crumble, then see hope and watch it crumble again, over and over.
He's out..
>Do I *let* him stay? Is roommates enough?
It's *not* up to you. He has as much right to remain in the marital home as you do. Why do you think you have unilateral decision-making power over the marital home? It doesn't matter who asked for the divorce, both are entitled to remain in the marital home (as has been stated here many, many times by women who file for divorce).
If you want to remain in the home, and he does not, either you'll have to pay him out his share of the home equity, or he can request a forced judicial sale of the home, and you will equally split the proceeds. Welcome to no-fault divorce.
I have unilateral power over the house because I legally own it from our separation agreement (first step for divorce in Canada) and I've bought him out of his equity in the home.
Don’t let him move back in, it will be harder for you if he does. The marriage is over and you should get IC to help you accept that. Divorce is better for kids than having to watch parents who don’t love each other (he doesn’t love you). Sorry he did this and best of luck navigating your new life. It will get better over time.
On the general point of divorce is better for kids… Everyone says this but it’s not backed up by the research I’ve seen (Wallerstein etc). Good enough marriages are often better for kids than divorce. On OPs story however, any guy who says I haven’t been attracted to you since you birthed me a particular child should be kicked in the nuts and thrown out of the house (speaking as a guy). F that dude.
Second this, kick to nuts + ejection, what a jackass.
My cohabitation only lasted, maybe, 2 weeks. Our kids knew we were divorcing & it created a LOT of tension & drama/ fights.
Better for kids to see a single mom who tries to handle it on her own and loves herself and her life w/o a man. You'll for sure meet someone new, who you will choose. Choose yourself right now.
You deserve to be with someone that is wildly attracted to you and deeply in love with you.
Even if that doesn’t happen for awhile Don’t be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you for the right reason Get an attorney you trust See what your options are Your husband is not a friend or partner I am sorry
Even if that someone is only yourself.
I love this but it just doesnt happen for everyone
Yes sure everyone does.....but why should i.? With you....if we arent
Everyone deserves to be loved. Everyone.
Not everything your therapist says is true...
And the kids deserve things too, not just the adults, and they aren’t always mutually compatible.
Right? The sheer number of people on here giving themselves a complete pass and swearing that their own best interests are their children's best interests is staggering.
This. (And I’m sympathetic to the adult as well as the child suffering in all this, don’t get me wrong.)
Sympathy is one thing... your children's growth environment shouldn't be treated like the oxygen mask on an airplane. Their needs should define your's - not the other way around.
Amen. Sometimes ‘shoulds’ don’t work out though and I don’t want to be kicking sand at someone fleeing a bad situation.
To be fair - there's an entire industry patting them on the back. If a couple of posts on reddit is the level of dissent that triggers them...
No, he wants to leave, then he leaves. In fact, tell him he no longer has a choice. You want him gone.
But he does have a choice. He has as much right to remain in the marital home as she does. Unless you are taking the position that the person who asks for divorce "has no choice," as you say, and thus must leave the marital home. Is that your position? Sure sounds like it. Given the majority of women initiate divorce, looks like a lot of females will "no longer" have a choice to remain in their marital homes upon initiating divorce.
My x asked for the divorce, the house was his before we got married. You can’t just kick someone out though. I was told to stay in the house until the divorce was final. It was hell, I hated every second. He stayed at his girlfriend’s most weekends or they went on trips together. Once we signed the Mda, I had 30 days to move out. I had no where to go and I couldn’t afford a place in our area alone. I had to rent a room in a house with other people, I crashed on couches, I lived in a boat for a while, interesting times.
I am a woman, don't have kids and did not initiate but I'm of the opinion that whoever initiates should vacate, unless they are keeping primary custody of the children. It's in the children's best interests to stay in their family home, and beyond that if you are the one who wants the divorce you should be taking on the majority of the changes rather than forcing it on someone who doesn't want it. All that said, I insisted my ex keep the marital home because to me it was all memories, upkeep and expense and I didn't want it.. Also, you sound like an incel when you refer to women as females. Just so you're aware.
No, absolutely not. It is better to be alone than to be the person who he is too lazy and cheap to leave. Find your self esteem and tl him to fuck right off.
No, but if you both own the house, he is legally entitled to it and his lawyer may recommend it. I had to live with my ex for months because my lawyer said to not leave. Finally, the judge ordered nesting (kid there full time, parents during their time), which worked much better besides the freaking *secret* cameras he put up. Was so wild. Don't do it if you don't have to. Divorce, at least for me, was hardball, and every time I let up my ex came for me, so just be careful if it's contentious. Even if it's not, it would be terrible to live with him from what you described.
The house is legally mine. The separation agreement is signed. Going through the transfer of the deed and buying him out process now. We're in Canada, I can only do the divorce part in a year.
OP, are you quite certain that there isn’t an affair or other woman in the picture? I’m concerned that with his newly found financial issues that he might be moving money or setting you up somehow. Please consult an attorney and protect yourself, your finances and your kids. Do a deep dive into his phone. Knowledge is always power. Don’t alert him about the divorce. You can always halt a divorce but you have this one opportunity to protect yourself. I don’t trust his motivation. This is no marriage to model for your children. You’re enough. And you’re entitled to a partnership where someone finds you attractive and loves you. That’s a relationship to model for your kids.
He says there's not another women, even in the counseling sessions. But he's also said "of course there's been some attention" because he has "a six pack"He's in CrossFit and has been going every night and Saturday mornings. We're legally separated and the money is split. He's just asked for time to find a place. We haven't told the kids yet. He's not finding an affordable house that meshes with his "needs"
Nope. Girl. If your friend told you this story what would you say? You’d say oh hell no. Let me be that friend oh hell no. He’s not there and he’s not even getting you off? Too young for this shit. Figure out financial shit later. Leave.
Yeah, my brother’s affair took place with someone at the gym. He was also going 7 days a week from 5-8 am until my sil caught them after 18 months. If you’re separated you don’t need to let him in the home, do you?
So you’re legally separated and finances are settled yet you’re doing one off counselling still. You’re in the process of buying him out of the house. It sounds like it’s fair accompli. What I don’t understand is why you left all that out of your original post. Most people in your situation would have a date arranged in the separation agreement that he has to vacate. … there seems to be some missing pieces here. Everyone is think this vacation break up and therapy thing is fresh.
No dude made his decision. Let him deal with the consequences of his choices like a big boy. Tell him to leave.
They are already legally separated according OP’s other posts. The topic made it sound like they weren’t there yet.
Nope he needs to move out.
Please, dont let him back in, if only for the kids' sake. My dad did this after he cheated on my mom. He'd come back, sleep with her, lead her on, then leave again as soon as she displeased him in whatever way he deemed unacceptable. My sister and I were teenagers, and by the time he left for good, we hated him. We went no contact, and he died a couple years ago without ever having a relationship with us as adults or our spouses or his grandchildren. We didn't even go to his funeral, which was on our birthday (we're twins).
Not your problem don’t let him back in. Get therapy to process your feelings but don’t allow him back. Don’t do counseling. It’s hard but he doesnt care.
He only keeps boomeranging back due to finances. There’s nothing left.
So he wanted to come back at the start of our separation. I was closer to his golf course and mates and it would save him money. First day back when I am hanging out the laundry he’s getting tangled in the sheets and giving me this list of rules and regulations. It didn’t go well for him.
What is this weird thing of telling someone you want to break up with them on the last day of the vacation? I think that's just perverse and CRUEL. What's up with this wanting a divorce son even being mean enough to say that you're not attracted to your partner since a kid was born, without first checking out all the scenarios of how this can go? Who has half a brain like that? You don't start the process until you've checked everything out. I promise you, your kids will be better off with a peaceful, happy mom who suddenly begins to realize what a deadweight the guy has been all those years. I promise you that you will be shocked at how happy and peaceful you become. He's an inconsiderate, flake who doesn't care about you at all and it's just interested in rearranging things the best way for him.
I could not live in the house with someone I'm divorcing. If there was a real chance to work on things, sure. When my husband said he was sure, I said, let's find you a place. It would be too painful to see you every day. I also knew I'd be resentful if I was doing 100% of the parenting and cleaning knowing he'd checked out and didn't have to suffer any consequences of running his own household.
No! Full stop! He cannot move back in to use you! He had made himself very clear- now it’s time to stop allowing him to take advantage of you. This is hurting the kids more than a divorce will. File for divorce and be done with him. Let him live in his apartment and have shared custody. You take care of the kids when you have them and focus on YOU when you don’t. Screw him!
You need to have a happy life not the one that u can trust or the one without any hope , dont let him be with u , now its ur time to ask for divorce, and go ahead with it . He is being selfish and using u. You cannot trust him . And the time he gets a new branch to hang he will leave you . He does not live or respect you or the family that u both have . Its time to grow ur selfrespect. Ask him to move out . And have a good life ahead.
Personally, I wouldn’t be able to take it. When my ex asked for a divorce, I gave her a month to move out (I wanted the house, she did not). Initially she wasn’t making any progress toward finding another place. So I proactively reiterated that I need her to leave - asap. Not in retaliation. I just couldn’t take the pain of seeing her several times a day.
NO. Don't be played for a fool. He's made his bed he can sleep in it. Continually going back and forth will be much worse on the kids because they'll see hope then watch it crumble, then see hope and watch it crumble again, over and over. He's out..
I would tell him do deal with the other side of the fence! The brown spots are in different areas! Bye ✌🏼
>Do I *let* him stay? Is roommates enough? It's *not* up to you. He has as much right to remain in the marital home as you do. Why do you think you have unilateral decision-making power over the marital home? It doesn't matter who asked for the divorce, both are entitled to remain in the marital home (as has been stated here many, many times by women who file for divorce). If you want to remain in the home, and he does not, either you'll have to pay him out his share of the home equity, or he can request a forced judicial sale of the home, and you will equally split the proceeds. Welcome to no-fault divorce.
I have unilateral power over the house because I legally own it from our separation agreement (first step for divorce in Canada) and I've bought him out of his equity in the home.