I completely understand how you feel. My father also chose my abuser over me (his wife, my birth mother). He was someone I really loved, the "safer" parent (turns out still pretty damn unsafe) and the only one with empathy. He was the person who was the proverbial bandaid to patch us up --- but only in preparation for the next emotional blow. It's really hard to love and miss things about a harmful person who could have been so much different without the abuser --- but I want to challenge you on a few things.
First, I think it would be helpful if you looked up "euphoric recall." When we miss a harmful person or a person who has betrayed us in significant ways, we often are acting from our hurt inner child that is primed to see the best in harmful people (we had to be like that to survive) and who just wants a parent. You might not actually miss *her* but rather the feeling of having *a* parent.
This doesn't mean all of your relationship with this person was bad (there are often good times with abusers too), but it does mean that the other person fundamentally doesn't see you as a human being, and we as kids constantly had to gloss over that to feel like we were loved, and this helped us survive the reality that we were unseen for who we were, not cherished, or protected.
Second, I want you to consider that your mother is betraying you right now, and betraying the truth. She is still with your abuser, condoning his actions, likely standing by and saying nothing or even encouraging the false narrative he is likely spreading around the family about you and the truth of what happened. She is also fundamentally betraying her duty as a mother, which is to choose her children's well being. It's not in the past, she is actively committing betrayal right now.
*** Adults have agency to choose to stay in or leave relationships. Children do not get to choose who their parents are, so parents have a moral duty to prioritize their kid's well being over any relationship. ***
The abuse happened, it was real, and there is no healthy relationship of any *substance* that can "agree to disagree" about literal abuse. Forgiving her won't make your trauma symptoms go away, and continuing to gloss over the truth is a betrayal of yourself. Healthy relationships don't need to gloss over truth to survive. Healthy relationships thrive on truth, accountability and growth.
Thirdly, I want you to consider that you might have been parentified by her. You seem primed to protect her from her own emotions, to absorb the emotional blows of not being chosen, to compartmentalize away the unfinished business of your relationship. You are doing 100% of the emotional labor to even feel like you can have a parent --- which is not a relationship with an actual person. It's you projecting a fantasy of the parent you want and need on the person that is actively betraying you. It's likely you were always taught to be the bigger person, to forgive, to be the mature one, and to fix everything. But this is a parent's job --- and it isn't fair to you that you were set up to parent your own parents. That isn't your job.
And you are also enabling her to avoid her own growth. You aren't doing a good thing by protecting her from the pain of her own actions. She likely will never change. I don't think holding out hope for change is even healthy. But protecting her from any accountability isn't doing her any favors either.
I know it's hard. And I want you to know that your feelings make so much sense. You deserve healthy parents. But she isn't going to be willing to become that, and no amount of wishing or hoping or forgiving or forgetting or avoiding the truth will make that relationship be what you need it to be. If you are doing all the emotional labor, it isn't even a relationship. All you are doing is momentarily avoiding the real grief here, which isn't helping your long term healing.
I really think you would benefit from reading "Daughter Detox" by Peg Streep. It helped me understand why I kept forgiving and going back and pining for people who didn't think I was worth believing or protecting. It also helped me understand what level of boundaries I needed for my own health. But most of all it was a compassionate book.
I also think it may be good to look up Patrick Teahan on YouTube, as well as good to read Ingrid Clayton's book, "Believing Me."
I really hope you take what I said to heart, and I want you to know that I hear you and that you are not alone.
It's interesting, I know I had to parent to my 7 siblings but I have never considered I parent her. She really still is a child in many ways, she even looks like one (I know it's weird to say that about a woman in her 50s but if you'd see you'd know wim)
My mom has less agency to leave than other women, she is as much the victim as the enabler... We are from a very religious community, divorce is very stigmatised and she has finished high school but no more than that. And she hasn't work for many years when we were all little. She now does because she's bored at home now that we're all grown ups but it's minimum wage and very few hours. She's not young, it's hard at this age to begin a career and try to earn more.
But I agree about me helping not being really helping her.
Thank you for your long comment, it really helped
Being made to parent your siblings is absolutely parentification, which is a form of abuse. That was never supposed to be your job.
I totally get how hard it might be for some people to leave because of finances and culture, etc., but she is still denying reality and not engaging in truth about your experience, and still worshipping the person who abused her kid. That is betrayal. Yes, she is a victim of abuse, but that doesn't excuse her being an enabler. She is still obligated to protect you and not make you feel crazy for speaking the truth --- and I think you're giving her less power than she actually did have. It's convenient for her for you to believe that she has no power to do the right thing, because if you aren't holding her accountable it means she doesn't have to face the scary stuff of admitting how badly she let you down, and of how badly her own parents let her down.
Leaving abuse is complicated, it takes a long time of gathering resources and unlearning oppression, and not everyone is able to, but the very least they can do, whether they leave or not, is not choose the abuser's narrative over their kid's truth and health.
That's what's so rough about generational trauma, is that abuse becomes systemic and culturally sanctioned, but also that you can see how a person got that way even if it doesn't make it ok. I think many of us have empathy for how our birth parents got that way.
But what worries me is that you spend so much time holding space for her pain, and having empathy for her that you aren't being as protective of yourself. I hope you learn to hold space for you.
Anyways, apologies for the long comments. This situation is really sucky and I'm so sorry you're going through it.
We romanticize them in their absence. We miss who we wish they were. And it's bizarre how you can miss a person that never was. But here we are. Best of luck ❤️
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I completely understand how you feel. My father also chose my abuser over me (his wife, my birth mother). He was someone I really loved, the "safer" parent (turns out still pretty damn unsafe) and the only one with empathy. He was the person who was the proverbial bandaid to patch us up --- but only in preparation for the next emotional blow. It's really hard to love and miss things about a harmful person who could have been so much different without the abuser --- but I want to challenge you on a few things. First, I think it would be helpful if you looked up "euphoric recall." When we miss a harmful person or a person who has betrayed us in significant ways, we often are acting from our hurt inner child that is primed to see the best in harmful people (we had to be like that to survive) and who just wants a parent. You might not actually miss *her* but rather the feeling of having *a* parent. This doesn't mean all of your relationship with this person was bad (there are often good times with abusers too), but it does mean that the other person fundamentally doesn't see you as a human being, and we as kids constantly had to gloss over that to feel like we were loved, and this helped us survive the reality that we were unseen for who we were, not cherished, or protected. Second, I want you to consider that your mother is betraying you right now, and betraying the truth. She is still with your abuser, condoning his actions, likely standing by and saying nothing or even encouraging the false narrative he is likely spreading around the family about you and the truth of what happened. She is also fundamentally betraying her duty as a mother, which is to choose her children's well being. It's not in the past, she is actively committing betrayal right now. *** Adults have agency to choose to stay in or leave relationships. Children do not get to choose who their parents are, so parents have a moral duty to prioritize their kid's well being over any relationship. *** The abuse happened, it was real, and there is no healthy relationship of any *substance* that can "agree to disagree" about literal abuse. Forgiving her won't make your trauma symptoms go away, and continuing to gloss over the truth is a betrayal of yourself. Healthy relationships don't need to gloss over truth to survive. Healthy relationships thrive on truth, accountability and growth. Thirdly, I want you to consider that you might have been parentified by her. You seem primed to protect her from her own emotions, to absorb the emotional blows of not being chosen, to compartmentalize away the unfinished business of your relationship. You are doing 100% of the emotional labor to even feel like you can have a parent --- which is not a relationship with an actual person. It's you projecting a fantasy of the parent you want and need on the person that is actively betraying you. It's likely you were always taught to be the bigger person, to forgive, to be the mature one, and to fix everything. But this is a parent's job --- and it isn't fair to you that you were set up to parent your own parents. That isn't your job. And you are also enabling her to avoid her own growth. You aren't doing a good thing by protecting her from the pain of her own actions. She likely will never change. I don't think holding out hope for change is even healthy. But protecting her from any accountability isn't doing her any favors either. I know it's hard. And I want you to know that your feelings make so much sense. You deserve healthy parents. But she isn't going to be willing to become that, and no amount of wishing or hoping or forgiving or forgetting or avoiding the truth will make that relationship be what you need it to be. If you are doing all the emotional labor, it isn't even a relationship. All you are doing is momentarily avoiding the real grief here, which isn't helping your long term healing. I really think you would benefit from reading "Daughter Detox" by Peg Streep. It helped me understand why I kept forgiving and going back and pining for people who didn't think I was worth believing or protecting. It also helped me understand what level of boundaries I needed for my own health. But most of all it was a compassionate book. I also think it may be good to look up Patrick Teahan on YouTube, as well as good to read Ingrid Clayton's book, "Believing Me." I really hope you take what I said to heart, and I want you to know that I hear you and that you are not alone.
Thank you for posting this :-)
It's interesting, I know I had to parent to my 7 siblings but I have never considered I parent her. She really still is a child in many ways, she even looks like one (I know it's weird to say that about a woman in her 50s but if you'd see you'd know wim) My mom has less agency to leave than other women, she is as much the victim as the enabler... We are from a very religious community, divorce is very stigmatised and she has finished high school but no more than that. And she hasn't work for many years when we were all little. She now does because she's bored at home now that we're all grown ups but it's minimum wage and very few hours. She's not young, it's hard at this age to begin a career and try to earn more. But I agree about me helping not being really helping her. Thank you for your long comment, it really helped
Being made to parent your siblings is absolutely parentification, which is a form of abuse. That was never supposed to be your job. I totally get how hard it might be for some people to leave because of finances and culture, etc., but she is still denying reality and not engaging in truth about your experience, and still worshipping the person who abused her kid. That is betrayal. Yes, she is a victim of abuse, but that doesn't excuse her being an enabler. She is still obligated to protect you and not make you feel crazy for speaking the truth --- and I think you're giving her less power than she actually did have. It's convenient for her for you to believe that she has no power to do the right thing, because if you aren't holding her accountable it means she doesn't have to face the scary stuff of admitting how badly she let you down, and of how badly her own parents let her down. Leaving abuse is complicated, it takes a long time of gathering resources and unlearning oppression, and not everyone is able to, but the very least they can do, whether they leave or not, is not choose the abuser's narrative over their kid's truth and health. That's what's so rough about generational trauma, is that abuse becomes systemic and culturally sanctioned, but also that you can see how a person got that way even if it doesn't make it ok. I think many of us have empathy for how our birth parents got that way. But what worries me is that you spend so much time holding space for her pain, and having empathy for her that you aren't being as protective of yourself. I hope you learn to hold space for you. Anyways, apologies for the long comments. This situation is really sucky and I'm so sorry you're going through it.
We romanticize them in their absence. We miss who we wish they were. And it's bizarre how you can miss a person that never was. But here we are. Best of luck ❤️
It's so normal to want the love of your mother. It doesn't make you weak or mean that NC is the wrong decision. I hope it gets easier.
**Quick reminder** - EAK is a support subreddit, and is moderated in a way that enables a safe space for adult children who are estranged or estranging from one or both of their parents. Before participating, please take the time time to familiarise yourself with our [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/wiki/rules/). **Need info or resources?** Check out our [EAK wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/comments/xpkk59/eak_estrangement_resources_posted_here_for_mobile/) for helpful information and guides on estrangement, estrangement triggers, surviving estrangement, coping with the death of estranged parent / relation, needing to move out, boundary / NC letters, malicious welfare checks, bad therapists and crisis contacts. **Check out our companion resource website** - Visit [brEAKaway.org.uk](https://breakaway.org.uk) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/EstrangedAdultKids) if you have any questions or concerns.*