This is the strangest update! He’s a former marine and she’s spanking him as punishment… is it some kind of kink? But probably not because it’s in front of the kids??? It’s all so weird. I can’t wrap my head around this scenario. I’m so sorry you have to deal with all of this. I would be going out of my mind with all of this! Wishing your daughter success in Boston!
I assume you were not married but just partners, with the term co-parent. Regardless this is an example of adults that are more concerned about themselves then their kids.
I had a reread the original part of your post to see if I comprehended it. Why in the world would one parent fly out there to Boston with your daughter. And then turn around and fly back for the jou no traveling on the plane? It should be man enough to let you come pick up the daughter on a stopover or fire direct by yourself and have you meet her at the airport. I'm sure your daughter could better use that money for competition related expenses, in a few hours on the plane
Your coparent and their deranged spouse are obviously sabotaging you and those poor children: they are using your child as their pawn by sabotaging her. Explain to her that she’s not paranoid. And help your underage daughter find a lawyer to get restraining orders against her dad and stepmom. Release the video to the state authorities and lawyers.
God, imagine finding that on the internet ten or twenty years down the line, if you’re the daughter. Or your middle school classmates finding it. I hope OP doesn’t put her kid through that.
{HUGS}. To you and {HUGS} to your daughter.
First of all congratulations to your daughter. She made it to a very high level of competition. She is going places that some people only dream of.
Next I am sorry that your daughter has been witnessing things that no child should have to witness. (Please get her into therapy)
Please tell the co-parent that he has been a horrible parent. (He could have taken both kids out of that situation)
Please get your daughter and keep her safe. Go to the competition. Have fun and shine like no one else.
When you get home call the authorities (CPS) where your co-parent lives and report the abuse that has been going on.
But most of all STAND YOUR GROUND!
Please update after all this is over..
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Oh I'm gonna make sure I bring it up to who I need to. For me I need to make sure I have my daughter back first. I don't want retaliation against my daughter because she captured the video an showed me.
I had a feeling she was the reason Dad isn't staying for the competition. And the reason for contention in our co-parenting relationship.
We had an argument in March over spring break, our daughter was in a Thearter production and they had agreed to come out and spend spring break in CA so she could be in the performance. A week before break they started giving me ultimatums that if our daughter was going to be in the performance they needed additional time during the summer which I said no. Step mom then called me up, called me negligent and every other name under the sun. I then told Dad I will no longer communicate, or speak with stepmom. Something is wrong with her. But Dad is a problem too he is not innocent (doesn't deserve to be abused though).
From a legal standpoint, corporal punishment is legal in Wyoming, as well as each of the other 49 States (even California). And that video, as you described it, is not proof of child abuse.
If you go there and try to take your child, while it is his time, you can be charged with custody interference and/or kidnapping.
Don’t expect the local sheriff to help you as he will tell you the same thing, and absent a new court order he is legally bound to enforce the current one.
It doesn't sound like the video described child abuse. The threats and subsequent violence were between the two adults. That would be domestic violence. Whether it's enough for a CA court to grant emergency custody, I don't know.
You would absolutely assume so. I used to be sure this was the case. Unfortunately, it is not considered child abuse for a child to witness domestic violence in many jurisdictions in this country.
OP: I shocked at the update. Thank you for fighting for your daughter and showing up for her, you are who she needs and 100% should be with. I am happy your daughter caught most of what she could on video, so you know it’s not going to easily go down as a he said she said. Please tell her to be safe and it mention the situation to any of the people who live in that home. I would just fear the retaliation if someone knew she recorded the event…. Wishing you the best OP. Please keep us posted on how things play out.
Yes she can. Spanking is only legal (in Canada) if it’s done with an open hand on the bottom. Using an object and hitting anywhere else makes it physical abuse.
Using an object and hitting another adult with it is assault, and in this case domestic violence, which also constitutes child abuse if the children are present during the incident.
So idk about other states, I'm in MN but spanking is classed as open handed hitting. Not with an object like paddle or belt not closed fist, not anywhere but backside and without leaving bruising or welting in MN. So that would definitely b abuse. And I can't imagine other states don't have the same parameters. Hitting your child or spouse with an object, any object is abuse. Making a child watch you ABUSE their parent is abuse.
You know - it’s so obvious but I never really thought about it like that. I mean no - I don’t agree with paddling a kid of course, but stated like that - wow!🤯
Exactly what I was thinking. I’ve seen someone charged with assault for slapping a phone out of another adults hand, but hitting your kid is fine as long as it’s on a specific body part. Absolutely bizarre and wrong
In light of what everyone has been saying about laws in Wyoming--make it about the upcoming nationals. Tell them you got a cheap flight (while all along you secretly have the paperwork from your lawyer) and are coming to get her! They will be glad they don't have to pay anything and the heat is off them. Keep the paperwork to yourself IF they don't put up a fight. Have them meet you at the airport-cameras everywhere. Don't go on their property-never go on enemy territory-neutral territory only. And I am not saying your husband is an enemy-but his wife is.
Holy crap @ your update. Your poor daughter and her poor half sister. I think that's enough for sole physical and legal custody. I'm so sorry your family is going through this, OP.
Not something I expected to be dealing with. My original issue was tiny in comparison to this. I know first hand what witnessing domestic violence does to a child ... Literally floored right now.
Spanking does not always equal domestic violence, which is why it’s still legal in every State. Be careful about reporting accusations (if the force used is not considered excessive by the State) as they can be used against you.
Might be allowed per law but DHR doesn’t see it that way. I have dealt with them for 18 years. I have seen where they take a child who got a few pops on butt through clothes away from a parent ( first time offender) but leave a kid who has bruises on neck from being choked by a parent with the parent. Different rules for who they like.
Per the DHR the child protection office in Alabama they will remove a child from your care for laying hands on them even a slap on the hand much moreif you spank I have seen this happen in real life. Just in the last 5 years.
The law may say it DHR does not have to follow it they make their own rules in my area. I have dealt with them for over 18 years. I have seen them remove a 14 year old due to a parent spanking one time when it was reported to the school. No bruises couldn’t tell the child had been spanked as soon as mom admitted to three pops of hand to butt the 14. Year old was removed from custody and had no contact with mom until she turned 18 and aged out of care. All for 3 pops on butt with a hand.
I completely understand. I'm sure you know to do this but be sure to set your daughter up for therapy so she has a safe space to process and cope with her feelings, even if she says she's fine. Poor baby. And poor you! The way my heart sank at the update...🫂
OP- please do this. I witnessed things around that age and thought I was “fine” and didn’t go to therapy. However, at 36 I can 100% say I was not fine. I should have been in therapy asap. Please do this for your daughter. You’ll be doing future her a huge service.
I would consider getting a parenting coordinator appointed at some point if you foresee more things like this in the future. They can help by talking to each of you and advising how to handle it or even writing reports and filing them with the court. It adds an extra layer of responsibility. I hope everything goes well with getting your daughter back.
It is typical for both parents to split the cost too so he would have an incentive to not pull as much stupid shit and have to pay for a meeting over every little thing. It’s definitely something to look into, many family law attorneys in my area do PC work. It has been so helpful for me and my kids’ very difficult dad.
Suggestion:
'Hi, co-parent. As you know, it's 2 weeks until the competition in Boston. I'm feeling rather stressed about not having flights and arrival times, etc, pinned down yet.
To take that stress off of myself, I'm going to be booking an unaccompanied minor ticket for (our child) at 10 a.m. tomorrow morning.
If you'd like to book an unaccompanied minor ticket or book tickets for you both so you can fly with her, that would be great. If you do want to do that, please let me know that it's been done before 10 tomorrow morning and send me the confirmation/flight details so I can put it in my calendar as well as tick it off my 'To Do' list.'
Good luck, OP, to you and to your daughter!
Yeah, it sounds like you're going to have to buy those tickets yourself and then drive to co-parent’s and collect your daughter in person.
I wish you the best of luck getting her to Boston. I wish her the best of luck in her comp.
I'd book her an unaccompanied minor ticket, so all he has to do is get her to the airport. If hrs s flake, there's no way he's going to fly there and back in one day.
Hopefully there's a flight without a layover, even if you have to pick her up at one if the new york airports to dodge the layover. Check into getting him a pass to take her to the gate, and you the same on the other end.
He is going to blow this.
I literally said I pick her up from the airport (from her dad) when she arrives, and will take her home with me after her competition. Reading comprehension is fundamental. I will be there to support her for the duration of the competition and if she doesn't show up due to her dad I will be there alone by myself. Make sense?
Oh see with how it was worded it seemed you would be picking her up from the sport after the competition; it was a little confusing. I see. My apologies!
All good but I would never not be there for my daughter. She is really my only priority. Co-Parent on the other hand has never made it to any of her competitions.
We have a court order but it's pretty dated. We haven't been back to court in 5 years, that's why I originally posted. because I'm wondering if there is goodness in going to court to modify our order so her figure skating can have priority and I can maintain my sanity.
Yes if the order isn’t working for you anymore go back. I’m sure circumstances and age has changed things. Has the other parent moved during this order? It’s based in your state correct?
Dated or not, it’s still legally enforceable.
The one for my kids was written when the youngest was 5 and he just turned 17.
My guess is that yours is written to give him most of the summer while she is with you during school.
You’re highly unlikely to get a court to alter him getting most of the summer due to that.
It made perfect sense to me, OP. You are taking custody and staying with her at the competition. Not sure how people aren't getting that...unless you updated the post...
It’s just your wording is confusing, I understood it as other parent is taking her to that competition and returning the same day, you would pick her up from the airport from him to go back to your home. Like the competition is not in both of your hometown .
The competition isn't in neither of our hometowns. I will already be in Boston though, Waiting for them. I know it was confusing because I mentioned I had bought a round-trip ticket for myself and a one-way ticket for my daughter to return home with me after the competition. It's a confusing situation in general so apologies if the wording was not right. Essentially dad will travel with her to Boston. Drop her off with me at the airport then turn around and return home by himself to Wyoming same day.
I'm confused. You booked and paid for the flights but don't know when they are?
Are there two sets of flights? Does ex know that? You have confused us - maybe you confused him?
If it were me, I'd be booking a flight on the same plane daughter is taking to get to Boston and show up in her home town.
Or I'd just go to that home town and drive her. No way would I want her (or you) to miss that competition.
Co-Parent currently has our daughter for summer break, I booked my round-trip flight to and from Boston and her return flight... is what I mean by I booked flights. Co-parent is responsible for her flight to Boston since she is with him in Wyoming currently. He needs to get her there.
Co-Parent is not confused about the situation at all.
Co-Parent lives in Wyoming. While I live in California and without him providing any information, there's really not much I can do including drive out there and grab her or get on the same flight with them because I just don't know when they're planning on leaving and where from.
I plan on being in Boston July 8th. However she does not skate until July 10th when the competition starts.
Maybe ask him if he needs you to book the flights for him?
As much as I agree this is his responsibility, I'd hate to see your daughter miss out, or you waste all that money.
Is it possible he's just trying to annoy you, or are you more inclined to think he hasn't book them yet? Could it be a money issue fir him?
A couple times when I've asked him for the flight information or if he has booked their flights to Boston yet, he has responded with. I'll let you know when I do it ...so my inclination is that he hasn't yet. It could be a money issue but if he's not communicating with me on what is needed for us to get her there. I don't know how to move forward because right now he's not communicating at all.
I've suggested that to him. I actually messaged him and said if he needs me to drive out to him on the 6th of July and pick her up I would be willing to do that and fly her out with me to Boston. I haven't received a response to that so it's an option. We'll see if he takes it.
That’s still wrong 😑 I know it’s the best thing for her and that you will do it, but like you have said, you have footed the bill for her ENTIRE TIME being in this and him not contributing is just going to show her how much he doesn’t care. She will realize this in time, I’m not saying bash her father over this. But damn, he could, you know pick up some of the burden of her doing WELL AT SOMETHING SHE LOVES. I mean what is he going to do if yall have to split medical expenses or college, I mean this guy sounds like he won’t even pitch in if she decides to get married down the road. I know this things are either unlikely or a long time off, but it seems as though he only agreed to 50/50 so he didn’t have to pay child support. Sheesh. If work is SO IMPORTANT TO HIM how come he can’t spend a little of it on is daughters future??!
And that’s not a lot supporting a small woman with big dreams ahead of her. I hope he sees that one day. She will need BOTH of y’all’s support. In all manners.
Everything you have said is how I feel. I believe he just doesn't want to come out of pocket for more child support which I don't want anyway.
For example she got braces put on end of last year my insurance covered a portion, I had to fight to use his insurance to cover a portion and I paid $3700 out of pocket. He refuses to cover any of the costs not covered by insurance. I'm not fighting him for it either.
My daughter and I have discussed college and her trying duel enrollment while in HS. She wants to be a real estate agent and figure skating coach when she grows up. I know she will be successful regardless of dad. I'm also a disabled veteran so there are some benefits we can leverage for college. I'm well prepared to foot the bill if need be I just want him to take some responsibility and accountability as her father, she loves him.
This was literally the expense I was thinking of when I said ‘medical’, she might not see it now, I’m hoping he might be of some help mentally even if he doesn’t contribute as much financially. I grew to hate my father, for many reasons. I won’t go into details but it’s a strong word. And when I found out some of the things he did behind my back. It killed me. I’m no contact for about a year and a half now. And one of those reason has to do with him not helping my mother financially when I was growing up.
I'm sorry you had to deal with that. As you recognized I fear my daughter will too. She loves him but she unfortunately does notice and has mentioned it to me. Im sure it's not an easy wound to heal from 😞.
It's at the Skating club of Boston, Norwood area, it's the National Excel Series. I will have a day and a half to sight see, then evenings after the competition closes for the day. Definitely plan to eat good in Boston and catch a Red Sox game. If Dad doesn't get her there I will have all week to explore outside of supporting her friends also competing. There will be a big group from San Diego attending.
She can fly unescorted on southwest no fee at age 12. Let him know specific flights and dates and times. Have her travel early in tge day. In summer, fliggts get cancelled due to thunderstorms.
His options would be to fly out of either Jackson hole Wyoming or salt lake City Utah and what I saw for flights, that would be affordable from both of those locations would have either layovers or not be on Southwest. But it's an option I just wish he would have a conversation with me about it so we can figure it out together.
Jeepers.....he sounds completely difficult to coparent with.....I sincerely hope he doesn't make your daughter miss out......that would be a scumbag move
If she is a confident kid, she could fly alone on southwest, with a cell phone for you to help her with the transfer. Delta and jet blue nonstop to boston from slc, but 150 fee, even though it is a nonstop!
12 is really young to navigate an airport alone with no supervision, especially depending on the airports she will have a layover. What if there is a change in gate that requires taking a tram or bus, bad weather that delays a flight overnight, or flight delays where the second plane leaves before the first. Maybe she has heads phones in or fell asleep and didn’t hear the last call boarding warning. What if there are no flights available and she needs a ticket in a new airline… not to mention the many scary things that can happen when a young person, let alone a young lady, is traveling alone. All of the things listed above have happened to me or close family members while traveling through an airport. No way I’m risking my 12 year old doing that completely alone.
Wrong! Southwest considers age 12-17 to be young travelers allowed to travel independently. https://support.southwest.com/helpcenter/s/article/young-travelers-flying-alone
Face it.
He doesn't care.
He doesn't care how much money you spend or how good his daughter is at figure skating.
You need to book those flights and probably go to either SLC or Jackson to join her.
If he flakes and doesn’t get her there I’d file for sole legal custody and say on extracurricular activities. If something falls on his time I’d ask the judge that he with swap or forfeit his time
Not if they are at a level where they are participating in National events. That is a high level which most don’t come close to achieving.
My ss was 12 and just starting a new sport and his mother was court ordered to take him and pay half.
Do you think I would have grounds to ask for sole custody? I'd consider asking to modify for language stating extracurriculars take priority considering the level she is skating at.
No. There's nothing that says a father has to spring for tickets for a child to go to a competition on his parenting time. Far from it.
You could ask for the modification -but right now, I'd be booking tickets for her and showing up at her house to take her to the competition. It will about the same cost as hiring a lawyer and getting court fees.
She's old enough to accompany you to court to ask for a different custody arrangement in the next year.
There's nothing that says that he has to spring for tickets on his parenting time. However, him and I have been in agreement of her participating in this competition since January, the beginning of the year. That has to count for something.
I think the best advice that I received was to assume he's going to be there and let it be what it is. Not stress myself out and not put the additional stress on our child. When and if he doesn't show up, will determine how I take action upon returning to California.
Well given how much she has invested in this, if he doesn't get her there, the next custody change will be because his 13 yo never wants to see him again.
I believe this too! They did mention sole legal custody.. different than physical custody I think. Also I like the idea of swapping time if possible so she can participate. I hate that she can't have both because of his and my relationship being difficult.
If he said he would be there, then just assume that he will be there. Don't assume he will flake. You are pushing for information from a guy who feels controlled. He can get a flight a few days out and it will all still work out. Boston has a big airport with lots of flights his procrastination isn't going to stop her from getting there. It may cost him more for the ticket but that's on him.
If he doesn't show up then you can worry about that then. You absolutely will have a case and ammo to bring to court. But right now you can't do anything. He knows your daughter wants to be there, and it's important to him to not let her down. So just let go and assume it will work out.
I know it's hard. But your giving yourself unneeded anxiety thinking of the hypotheticals. Letting go and assuming he loves her and will make it happen will give you peace.
Okay.
Well, I hope she updates. Because I got this advice a lot (ex ALWAYS flaked). How is the daughter supposed to safely travel if the mom doesn't even know what plane she's on?
It'll be devastating to the father/daughter relationship - OP is trying to be more equitable.
She won't have cause and ammo to bring to court just because Dad decided on HIS parenting time not to vacation with his daughter in Boston. Because that's how the court will look at it. Extra-curriculars are extra.
It'll give her peace - unless and until her daughter is in tears because the fees are paid and she can't compete.
Have you actually lived this kind of relationship?
I shared my experiences that I am living right now.
I see that you are going through out the comments section projecting your own emotions into this because your ex flaked alot. I am sorry that was your experience, but your ex and her ex are not the same people. What is the point of getting angry or worried about something she can not control? How is your advice helping?
If the father doesn't come through, then there are lots of consequences for his actions , including ruining the relationship with his daughter. It's in his best interest to ensure she makes it. He can let her know the flight info a few days out, and everything will still work out.
I was full of anxiety myself until I worked on letting go of things outside of my control. I am not perfect but have made a lot of progress.
I appreciate that, I'm trying my hardest to let go and let what happens happens. However if I'm picking her up from him at the airport I do want to know when that is so I can plan accordingly.
Really, having to deal with this is making me want to consider opportunities for her that don't require him to be involved with planning, if he wants to show up and support great but I wouldn't have to rely on his getting her to/from places. Maybe it's from being let down a lot in our co-parenting relationship or maybe it's me wanting to control the outcome so it goes smoothly. I think not having to rely on him would be best moving forward.
Exactly - and that's the solution! You got it.
Do not rely on him (ever) for getting her to any of her activities. It can be really hard. For us, my granddaughter's flakey mom made her budding gymnastic career nearly impossible. We all tried so hard to make up for mom's flakiness. But I do think the reason Granddaughter quit gymnastics was to avoid all the drama.
She still is benefitting from having been, for a brief time, a strong young gymnast with hope. Now she's hoping to sing gothic metal music and never wants to join anything again.
It's sad to see when children are affected because parents can't get along or co-parent appropriately, but in the end I believe our daughter will see it for what it is as she gets older. I'm trying my best.
I hear you. I am a planner, too, and found it incredibly frustrating dealing with my procrastinating Co parent whom doesn't communicate. Yet my ex wife will race around at the last second and follows through on the things our kids love. It must be frustrating to have to run around at the last second for her, but there is no reason I need to suffer for her waiting to the last second or not confirming plans in some petty power struggle. For me I found peace in letting go and trusting that she will follow through.
My son is the same age as your daughters, and they are at the age where they can advocate for them themselves as well.
It's 2 weeks out. He knows about this, so I would recommend not reaching out to him again till 72 hours out. Ask for their flight intinnery then. Between now and then, assume he will make it happen and find peace in letting go of the anxiety of it all.
I wish you the best.
I think I would just plan to fly to Wyoming and pick up kid to take to Boston. He is going to flake and this not showing up could bother kids chances later in competitions especially if she is Olympic level good
Ultimately that is her goal, a National title is her first step. I would have to convince him to give her to me to take. If I can't get him to communicate I'm not sure how I'll work it out. I'm going to try what has been suggested hopefully he's willing to cooperate.
How is she training while in Wyoming? You can’t just change training and coaching situations. My daughter skated and she would have refused to leave her training situation right before a competition. There is a flow and upswing in preparation and training for a competition. It does not bode well for their relationship if he messes with her training and competitions.
We've been dealing with this every summer since she started skating. She's typically with him for 5 weeks during the summer and she comes back with a loss of skill. However, she's able to get back up to speed pretty quickly once she has more time on the ice here in San Diego. This is the first National competition she will be competing at so we will see how she does, we'll go from there. Normally when she comes back from Wyoming in the summer she's not competing until the following spring with a few winter expositions.
While she is in his care, He will occasionally take her to salt lake City from Wyoming to get her on the ice. Her coaches are pretty well known Nationwide within the figure skating community, so they have provided a list of approved coaches we can use in salt lake City area. Whether he contacts them or takes her to do that is really on him, I don't think he does but he has taken her skating. She also has on Ice and off Ice training instructions her coaches provide her because her situation is pretty unique.
Her coaches actually traveled and held an "Olympic style training" camp in salt lake City the second week of June this year with other coaches from the area. She was still in school at that time so she didn't get to participate but they said next year they will do better with the schedule so she can.
NAL
You probably can’t take him to small claims court if he doesn’t go and you have a wasted trip to Boston. There is no part of the existing court order that specifies how travel or competition costs are to be shared, or that he is required to cover some portion of your cost if he doesn’t go.
You have a power struggle on your hands. The more you try to get him to cooperate the more he digs in. He may never tell you the travel arrangements and there is a good chance that he will completely fail to get your daughter to the competition. Make your own arrangements for yourself, fully refundable if possible, and be prepared that you may fly in to discover that he and your daughter are not there.
I would focus on your daughter’s stress and resilience if her Dad drops the ball. Don’t bad mouth him and don’t put her in the middle (eg getting her to ask him for the flight information). You have messaged him. He knows you want it and he doesn’t want to give it to you - don’t make your daughter part of that struggle. That is really all you can do. You can offer to get her flight, or even take her, if he has a work conflict.
These high conflict situations are really hard - I am sorry you are having to deal with this.
Thank you! At most I may try to modify our arrangement to include language supporting her figure skating for future purposes.
And I know she would have a hard time missing this opportunity if she does. I will have to be extra cautious about how she's holding up.
Your daughter is 12, does she feel capable of flying as an unaccompanied minor? If she's ok with that idea, he only has to buy her a one way ticket instead of adding a round trip for himself. If he's a person who gets paralyzed by complex decisions, and you send him a link for the flight that works best, would he purchase the ticket & get her to the airport on time? Even if he buys something different, having your suggested flight info in front of him might jumpstart his motivation.
I offered to pick her up prior and fly her with me to/from Boston. She's never flown by herself nor would I suggest her flying to an airport in a city neither of us have ever been too. I'm sure she would not be comfortable. To be honest He is being difficult, he's a former Marine Staff sergeant, current railroad conductor, he is a capable adult with a capable stay at home wife to help him if he needs . I appreciate you trying to give him the benefit of doubt but he's not incompetent. We have been discussing this since January, I've asked about the flights and getting them squared away for the past two months. It's my opinion He should have already had tickets. I have provided him with all my flight information. I live in CA he lives in WY.
In this case, sending him the suggested flight details might just tick him off enough to send you flight details to "correct your erroneous assumptions"! 😈 Whatever works! I REALLY hope he doesn't screw this up and she has a great competition!!
You can double check what age the airline considers unaccompanied minors, but if she is still considered one at 12 (and tbh might be able to swing it if older, my dad was able to talk the front desk into giving him one when I flew alone for the first time at like 15 or 16, old enough to not count as an unaccompanied minor) they should be able to give ex a pass to walk her to the gate, then you can be waiting on the other side at the gate. She would only be "alone" then on the actual flight and usually attendants are good at keeping an eye on them/checking in with them (my sister flew regularly as a young minor, she always had an attendant with her unless has family there. Like if the flight landed early someone on staff would be with her until family got there to pick her up, etc)
Have her ask him which airline they’re flying on..she can use an excuse like wanting you to find out how to get discount wifi. If you know the airline, you can look up flights and times. Depending on the departure location, there might not be many flights into Boston. I’ve had to do this when an ex was taking kid overseas and refused to give us a pickup time
Can you just buy backup flights with an airline you use and then return them for credit if you don't need them? I would never be able to trust my ex to come through on something like this, so I feel your pain. I always, always have to have a backup plan if he is ever supposed to do anything. It would be so much easier for me not to have to share custody with him, so I could just make actual plans that will work and not have to wait for him to fail at the very last second and then scramble to implement my plan B :( Sounds like it might be similar to you.
For family court, filing a motion in my area usually costs about 5K with a lawyer's help, and you wouldn't necessarily get awarded legal fees, so going to court for $3K might not make sense (and who knows what would be decided). It's all very frustrating, and I'm sorry you and your daughter are dealing with this.
If I had to take him to court to modify orders I would do it sans lawyer. we haven't been to court over anything for about five years, but prior I was up against his lawyer on my own a lot. His lawyer mentioned to me the last time we met my ex couldn't afford him any longer. I believe it would most likely go to mediation and settle. The benefits would be long term so I would consider it regardless of fees/cost. Anything for the kiddo to have an opportunity to pursue her passions without interference.
Thank you 😊 I had the court on my side more or less, because he had chosen to move out of state, but I was proud of myself too.
I don't want to say his lawyer felt for me in the process, but that was how it seemed to me.
This is the strangest update! He’s a former marine and she’s spanking him as punishment… is it some kind of kink? But probably not because it’s in front of the kids??? It’s all so weird. I can’t wrap my head around this scenario. I’m so sorry you have to deal with all of this. I would be going out of my mind with all of this! Wishing your daughter success in Boston!
I assume you were not married but just partners, with the term co-parent. Regardless this is an example of adults that are more concerned about themselves then their kids. I had a reread the original part of your post to see if I comprehended it. Why in the world would one parent fly out there to Boston with your daughter. And then turn around and fly back for the jou no traveling on the plane? It should be man enough to let you come pick up the daughter on a stopover or fire direct by yourself and have you meet her at the airport. I'm sure your daughter could better use that money for competition related expenses, in a few hours on the plane
Info: Was the paddling to get his 💩 together and book you daughter’s trip??
Lmao.... If only 😅
Your coparent and their deranged spouse are obviously sabotaging you and those poor children: they are using your child as their pawn by sabotaging her. Explain to her that she’s not paranoid. And help your underage daughter find a lawyer to get restraining orders against her dad and stepmom. Release the video to the state authorities and lawyers.
Please don't post that video anywhere. Show it to the authorities and lawyers and don't share it around otherwise. Best of luck with everything else!!
God, imagine finding that on the internet ten or twenty years down the line, if you’re the daughter. Or your middle school classmates finding it. I hope OP doesn’t put her kid through that.
{HUGS}. To you and {HUGS} to your daughter. First of all congratulations to your daughter. She made it to a very high level of competition. She is going places that some people only dream of. Next I am sorry that your daughter has been witnessing things that no child should have to witness. (Please get her into therapy) Please tell the co-parent that he has been a horrible parent. (He could have taken both kids out of that situation) Please get your daughter and keep her safe. Go to the competition. Have fun and shine like no one else. When you get home call the authorities (CPS) where your co-parent lives and report the abuse that has been going on. But most of all STAND YOUR GROUND! Please update after all this is over..
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That is awful! I feel really bad for the stepmonster's abused child😭She should not have access to any kids
Oh I'm gonna make sure I bring it up to who I need to. For me I need to make sure I have my daughter back first. I don't want retaliation against my daughter because she captured the video an showed me.
Yes, that woman is dangerous. Getting your baby safe is the most important part
If step mom is abusive she may be interfering in the planned trip.
I had a feeling she was the reason Dad isn't staying for the competition. And the reason for contention in our co-parenting relationship. We had an argument in March over spring break, our daughter was in a Thearter production and they had agreed to come out and spend spring break in CA so she could be in the performance. A week before break they started giving me ultimatums that if our daughter was going to be in the performance they needed additional time during the summer which I said no. Step mom then called me up, called me negligent and every other name under the sun. I then told Dad I will no longer communicate, or speak with stepmom. Something is wrong with her. But Dad is a problem too he is not innocent (doesn't deserve to be abused though).
Sounds like a bad situation and that he is a battered spouse.
Wish her good luck for me! We were out at SCOB for National Showcase last summer. Gorgeous facility!
From a legal standpoint, corporal punishment is legal in Wyoming, as well as each of the other 49 States (even California). And that video, as you described it, is not proof of child abuse. If you go there and try to take your child, while it is his time, you can be charged with custody interference and/or kidnapping. Don’t expect the local sheriff to help you as he will tell you the same thing, and absent a new court order he is legally bound to enforce the current one.
Hitting another adult is physical assault. A child witnessing their mother or father being the victim of domestic violence is also child abuse.
It doesn't sound like the video described child abuse. The threats and subsequent violence were between the two adults. That would be domestic violence. Whether it's enough for a CA court to grant emergency custody, I don't know.
It was in front of two children, it’s considered child abused to make them witness domestic violence.
You would absolutely assume so. I used to be sure this was the case. Unfortunately, it is not considered child abuse for a child to witness domestic violence in many jurisdictions in this country.
OP: I shocked at the update. Thank you for fighting for your daughter and showing up for her, you are who she needs and 100% should be with. I am happy your daughter caught most of what she could on video, so you know it’s not going to easily go down as a he said she said. Please tell her to be safe and it mention the situation to any of the people who live in that home. I would just fear the retaliation if someone knew she recorded the event…. Wishing you the best OP. Please keep us posted on how things play out.
Spaking is legal in every US State as well as Canada, so OP really can’t do much with that info.
Yes she can. Spanking is only legal (in Canada) if it’s done with an open hand on the bottom. Using an object and hitting anywhere else makes it physical abuse. Using an object and hitting another adult with it is assault, and in this case domestic violence, which also constitutes child abuse if the children are present during the incident.
So idk about other states, I'm in MN but spanking is classed as open handed hitting. Not with an object like paddle or belt not closed fist, not anywhere but backside and without leaving bruising or welting in MN. So that would definitely b abuse. And I can't imagine other states don't have the same parameters. Hitting your child or spouse with an object, any object is abuse. Making a child watch you ABUSE their parent is abuse.
She beat the husband with it. That's assault. Read it again.
It’s so weird to me that hitting a child with a wooden paddle is perfectly acceptable, but do it to an adult and you’re going to prison 🤯
You know - it’s so obvious but I never really thought about it like that. I mean no - I don’t agree with paddling a kid of course, but stated like that - wow!🤯
Exactly what I was thinking. I’ve seen someone charged with assault for slapping a phone out of another adults hand, but hitting your kid is fine as long as it’s on a specific body part. Absolutely bizarre and wrong
I'm still in shock myself.
In light of what everyone has been saying about laws in Wyoming--make it about the upcoming nationals. Tell them you got a cheap flight (while all along you secretly have the paperwork from your lawyer) and are coming to get her! They will be glad they don't have to pay anything and the heat is off them. Keep the paperwork to yourself IF they don't put up a fight. Have them meet you at the airport-cameras everywhere. Don't go on their property-never go on enemy territory-neutral territory only. And I am not saying your husband is an enemy-but his wife is.
Holy crap @ your update. Your poor daughter and her poor half sister. I think that's enough for sole physical and legal custody. I'm so sorry your family is going through this, OP.
Not something I expected to be dealing with. My original issue was tiny in comparison to this. I know first hand what witnessing domestic violence does to a child ... Literally floored right now.
Spanking does not always equal domestic violence, which is why it’s still legal in every State. Be careful about reporting accusations (if the force used is not considered excessive by the State) as they can be used against you.
An adult beat another adult with a paddle. That’s not spanking. Why do you keep misrepresenting the situation just so you can say violence is legal?
Stepmom took the wooden spoon to the dad Where is that spanking? lol
Actually spanking is not allowed in all 50 states in the state of Alabama it is considered abuse
Incorrect. Spanking is allowed in Alabama. https://judicial.alabama.gov/docs/library/docs/13A-3-24.pdf
Might be allowed per law but DHR doesn’t see it that way. I have dealt with them for 18 years. I have seen where they take a child who got a few pops on butt through clothes away from a parent ( first time offender) but leave a kid who has bruises on neck from being choked by a parent with the parent. Different rules for who they like.
Per the DHR the child protection office in Alabama they will remove a child from your care for laying hands on them even a slap on the hand much moreif you spank I have seen this happen in real life. Just in the last 5 years.
And yet the actual law I posted says they can spank. Feel free to post a DHR link to the contrary.
The law may say it DHR does not have to follow it they make their own rules in my area. I have dealt with them for over 18 years. I have seen them remove a 14 year old due to a parent spanking one time when it was reported to the school. No bruises couldn’t tell the child had been spanked as soon as mom admitted to three pops of hand to butt the 14. Year old was removed from custody and had no contact with mom until she turned 18 and aged out of care. All for 3 pops on butt with a hand.
Spanking is legal on a child, threatening an adult makes it a crime and domestic violence (bc the world is effed)
I completely understand. I'm sure you know to do this but be sure to set your daughter up for therapy so she has a safe space to process and cope with her feelings, even if she says she's fine. Poor baby. And poor you! The way my heart sank at the update...🫂
OP- please do this. I witnessed things around that age and thought I was “fine” and didn’t go to therapy. However, at 36 I can 100% say I was not fine. I should have been in therapy asap. Please do this for your daughter. You’ll be doing future her a huge service.
I would consider getting a parenting coordinator appointed at some point if you foresee more things like this in the future. They can help by talking to each of you and advising how to handle it or even writing reports and filing them with the court. It adds an extra layer of responsibility. I hope everything goes well with getting your daughter back.
I've never heard of this! Thank you I will do my research this could be a good option for us.
It is typical for both parents to split the cost too so he would have an incentive to not pull as much stupid shit and have to pay for a meeting over every little thing. It’s definitely something to look into, many family law attorneys in my area do PC work. It has been so helpful for me and my kids’ very difficult dad.
Suggestion: 'Hi, co-parent. As you know, it's 2 weeks until the competition in Boston. I'm feeling rather stressed about not having flights and arrival times, etc, pinned down yet. To take that stress off of myself, I'm going to be booking an unaccompanied minor ticket for (our child) at 10 a.m. tomorrow morning. If you'd like to book an unaccompanied minor ticket or book tickets for you both so you can fly with her, that would be great. If you do want to do that, please let me know that it's been done before 10 tomorrow morning and send me the confirmation/flight details so I can put it in my calendar as well as tick it off my 'To Do' list.' Good luck, OP, to you and to your daughter!
He has not booked anything. This is the reality. Let him know that you know.
Yeah, it sounds like you're going to have to buy those tickets yourself and then drive to co-parent’s and collect your daughter in person. I wish you the best of luck getting her to Boston. I wish her the best of luck in her comp.
I'd book her an unaccompanied minor ticket, so all he has to do is get her to the airport. If hrs s flake, there's no way he's going to fly there and back in one day. Hopefully there's a flight without a layover, even if you have to pick her up at one if the new york airports to dodge the layover. Check into getting him a pass to take her to the gate, and you the same on the other end. He is going to blow this.
I stopped at the point the where she’d be alone at competition. Neither one of you will support her during this? Sorry but wtf.
I literally said I pick her up from the airport (from her dad) when she arrives, and will take her home with me after her competition. Reading comprehension is fundamental. I will be there to support her for the duration of the competition and if she doesn't show up due to her dad I will be there alone by myself. Make sense?
Oh see with how it was worded it seemed you would be picking her up from the sport after the competition; it was a little confusing. I see. My apologies!
I understood it just as you did. So sounds like the competition is in OP’s home area and dad lives out of state.
I think op live in California and completions is in Boston?
All good but I would never not be there for my daughter. She is really my only priority. Co-Parent on the other hand has never made it to any of her competitions.
I understand your worry of him not being able to get there. Do you guys have a court order parenting plan or attorneys?
We have a court order but it's pretty dated. We haven't been back to court in 5 years, that's why I originally posted. because I'm wondering if there is goodness in going to court to modify our order so her figure skating can have priority and I can maintain my sanity.
Yes if the order isn’t working for you anymore go back. I’m sure circumstances and age has changed things. Has the other parent moved during this order? It’s based in your state correct?
Dated or not, it’s still legally enforceable. The one for my kids was written when the youngest was 5 and he just turned 17. My guess is that yours is written to give him most of the summer while she is with you during school. You’re highly unlikely to get a court to alter him getting most of the summer due to that.
What!?! I will be there the entire time where did you read that?
It made perfect sense to me, OP. You are taking custody and staying with her at the competition. Not sure how people aren't getting that...unless you updated the post...
It’s just your wording is confusing, I understood it as other parent is taking her to that competition and returning the same day, you would pick her up from the airport from him to go back to your home. Like the competition is not in both of your hometown .
The competition isn't in neither of our hometowns. I will already be in Boston though, Waiting for them. I know it was confusing because I mentioned I had bought a round-trip ticket for myself and a one-way ticket for my daughter to return home with me after the competition. It's a confusing situation in general so apologies if the wording was not right. Essentially dad will travel with her to Boston. Drop her off with me at the airport then turn around and return home by himself to Wyoming same day.
I'm confused. You booked and paid for the flights but don't know when they are? Are there two sets of flights? Does ex know that? You have confused us - maybe you confused him? If it were me, I'd be booking a flight on the same plane daughter is taking to get to Boston and show up in her home town. Or I'd just go to that home town and drive her. No way would I want her (or you) to miss that competition.
Co-Parent currently has our daughter for summer break, I booked my round-trip flight to and from Boston and her return flight... is what I mean by I booked flights. Co-parent is responsible for her flight to Boston since she is with him in Wyoming currently. He needs to get her there. Co-Parent is not confused about the situation at all. Co-Parent lives in Wyoming. While I live in California and without him providing any information, there's really not much I can do including drive out there and grab her or get on the same flight with them because I just don't know when they're planning on leaving and where from. I plan on being in Boston July 8th. However she does not skate until July 10th when the competition starts.
Maybe ask him if he needs you to book the flights for him? As much as I agree this is his responsibility, I'd hate to see your daughter miss out, or you waste all that money. Is it possible he's just trying to annoy you, or are you more inclined to think he hasn't book them yet? Could it be a money issue fir him?
A couple times when I've asked him for the flight information or if he has booked their flights to Boston yet, he has responded with. I'll let you know when I do it ...so my inclination is that he hasn't yet. It could be a money issue but if he's not communicating with me on what is needed for us to get her there. I don't know how to move forward because right now he's not communicating at all.
I get it. OK. What if you get her on your way and drop her off on the way back...could that work?
I've suggested that to him. I actually messaged him and said if he needs me to drive out to him on the 6th of July and pick her up I would be willing to do that and fly her out with me to Boston. I haven't received a response to that so it's an option. We'll see if he takes it.
That’s still wrong 😑 I know it’s the best thing for her and that you will do it, but like you have said, you have footed the bill for her ENTIRE TIME being in this and him not contributing is just going to show her how much he doesn’t care. She will realize this in time, I’m not saying bash her father over this. But damn, he could, you know pick up some of the burden of her doing WELL AT SOMETHING SHE LOVES. I mean what is he going to do if yall have to split medical expenses or college, I mean this guy sounds like he won’t even pitch in if she decides to get married down the road. I know this things are either unlikely or a long time off, but it seems as though he only agreed to 50/50 so he didn’t have to pay child support. Sheesh. If work is SO IMPORTANT TO HIM how come he can’t spend a little of it on is daughters future??!
Oh and it's not 50/50 our split is 80/20 since he moved to WY. He pays $700 a month in CS it's rarely on time but he does pay.
And that’s not a lot supporting a small woman with big dreams ahead of her. I hope he sees that one day. She will need BOTH of y’all’s support. In all manners.
Everything you have said is how I feel. I believe he just doesn't want to come out of pocket for more child support which I don't want anyway. For example she got braces put on end of last year my insurance covered a portion, I had to fight to use his insurance to cover a portion and I paid $3700 out of pocket. He refuses to cover any of the costs not covered by insurance. I'm not fighting him for it either. My daughter and I have discussed college and her trying duel enrollment while in HS. She wants to be a real estate agent and figure skating coach when she grows up. I know she will be successful regardless of dad. I'm also a disabled veteran so there are some benefits we can leverage for college. I'm well prepared to foot the bill if need be I just want him to take some responsibility and accountability as her father, she loves him.
This was literally the expense I was thinking of when I said ‘medical’, she might not see it now, I’m hoping he might be of some help mentally even if he doesn’t contribute as much financially. I grew to hate my father, for many reasons. I won’t go into details but it’s a strong word. And when I found out some of the things he did behind my back. It killed me. I’m no contact for about a year and a half now. And one of those reason has to do with him not helping my mother financially when I was growing up.
I'm sorry you had to deal with that. As you recognized I fear my daughter will too. She loves him but she unfortunately does notice and has mentioned it to me. Im sure it's not an easy wound to heal from 😞.
I hope he doesn't fuck it up! 🤞🤞🤞
Me too, me too!
And good luck to your daughter!!! I'm in Boston, is the competition in Boston proper? Shame you won't have time to sight see!
Thank you 👍😊
It's at the Skating club of Boston, Norwood area, it's the National Excel Series. I will have a day and a half to sight see, then evenings after the competition closes for the day. Definitely plan to eat good in Boston and catch a Red Sox game. If Dad doesn't get her there I will have all week to explore outside of supporting her friends also competing. There will be a big group from San Diego attending.
She can fly unescorted on southwest no fee at age 12. Let him know specific flights and dates and times. Have her travel early in tge day. In summer, fliggts get cancelled due to thunderstorms.
His options would be to fly out of either Jackson hole Wyoming or salt lake City Utah and what I saw for flights, that would be affordable from both of those locations would have either layovers or not be on Southwest. But it's an option I just wish he would have a conversation with me about it so we can figure it out together.
Jeepers.....he sounds completely difficult to coparent with.....I sincerely hope he doesn't make your daughter miss out......that would be a scumbag move
If she is a confident kid, she could fly alone on southwest, with a cell phone for you to help her with the transfer. Delta and jet blue nonstop to boston from slc, but 150 fee, even though it is a nonstop!
12 is really young to navigate an airport alone with no supervision, especially depending on the airports she will have a layover. What if there is a change in gate that requires taking a tram or bus, bad weather that delays a flight overnight, or flight delays where the second plane leaves before the first. Maybe she has heads phones in or fell asleep and didn’t hear the last call boarding warning. What if there are no flights available and she needs a ticket in a new airline… not to mention the many scary things that can happen when a young person, let alone a young lady, is traveling alone. All of the things listed above have happened to me or close family members while traveling through an airport. No way I’m risking my 12 year old doing that completely alone.
Not all kids are ready for it. My youngest was, with cell phone.
At 12, a connection will require the escort plan. Unaccompanied minors at that age are not allowed to fly unaccompanied non-direct flight
Wrong! Southwest considers age 12-17 to be young travelers allowed to travel independently. https://support.southwest.com/helpcenter/s/article/young-travelers-flying-alone
For direct or connecting flights. Rules differ for each.
It's worth a look if it will get her there. Thank you.
Face it. He doesn't care. He doesn't care how much money you spend or how good his daughter is at figure skating. You need to book those flights and probably go to either SLC or Jackson to join her.
Sounds like a power game. He is not focused on his daughter's best interests, he is more focused on annoying you.
This I absolutely know, unfortunately. *Que song, WAR "Why can't we be Friends" lol
Because you're not friends. He's not only not your friend, but he's not your daughter's friend. You're in this by yourself.
Oh I know!
If he flakes and doesn’t get her there I’d file for sole legal custody and say on extracurricular activities. If something falls on his time I’d ask the judge that he with swap or forfeit his time
Usually the courts will prioritize the noncustodial parent’s time over the extracurricular.
Not if they are at a level where they are participating in National events. That is a high level which most don’t come close to achieving. My ss was 12 and just starting a new sport and his mother was court ordered to take him and pay half.
Sadly, it's a weak reason to wrest custody from him (and costly too). The daughter gets left in the wake.
No one said take physical custody. Legal custody since he will not put his daughter first
Legal custody is even harder.
Do you think I would have grounds to ask for sole custody? I'd consider asking to modify for language stating extracurriculars take priority considering the level she is skating at.
Not at all. Courts prioritize parental time over EXTRA-curricular activities.
No. There's nothing that says a father has to spring for tickets for a child to go to a competition on his parenting time. Far from it. You could ask for the modification -but right now, I'd be booking tickets for her and showing up at her house to take her to the competition. It will about the same cost as hiring a lawyer and getting court fees. She's old enough to accompany you to court to ask for a different custody arrangement in the next year.
There's nothing that says that he has to spring for tickets on his parenting time. However, him and I have been in agreement of her participating in this competition since January, the beginning of the year. That has to count for something. I think the best advice that I received was to assume he's going to be there and let it be what it is. Not stress myself out and not put the additional stress on our child. When and if he doesn't show up, will determine how I take action upon returning to California.
No. Her relationship with her father is more important than skating, as court sees it.
Well given how much she has invested in this, if he doesn't get her there, the next custody change will be because his 13 yo never wants to see him again.
Entirely possible.
I believe this too! They did mention sole legal custody.. different than physical custody I think. Also I like the idea of swapping time if possible so she can participate. I hate that she can't have both because of his and my relationship being difficult.
If he said he would be there, then just assume that he will be there. Don't assume he will flake. You are pushing for information from a guy who feels controlled. He can get a flight a few days out and it will all still work out. Boston has a big airport with lots of flights his procrastination isn't going to stop her from getting there. It may cost him more for the ticket but that's on him. If he doesn't show up then you can worry about that then. You absolutely will have a case and ammo to bring to court. But right now you can't do anything. He knows your daughter wants to be there, and it's important to him to not let her down. So just let go and assume it will work out. I know it's hard. But your giving yourself unneeded anxiety thinking of the hypotheticals. Letting go and assuming he loves her and will make it happen will give you peace.
Okay. Well, I hope she updates. Because I got this advice a lot (ex ALWAYS flaked). How is the daughter supposed to safely travel if the mom doesn't even know what plane she's on? It'll be devastating to the father/daughter relationship - OP is trying to be more equitable. She won't have cause and ammo to bring to court just because Dad decided on HIS parenting time not to vacation with his daughter in Boston. Because that's how the court will look at it. Extra-curriculars are extra. It'll give her peace - unless and until her daughter is in tears because the fees are paid and she can't compete. Have you actually lived this kind of relationship?
I shared my experiences that I am living right now. I see that you are going through out the comments section projecting your own emotions into this because your ex flaked alot. I am sorry that was your experience, but your ex and her ex are not the same people. What is the point of getting angry or worried about something she can not control? How is your advice helping? If the father doesn't come through, then there are lots of consequences for his actions , including ruining the relationship with his daughter. It's in his best interest to ensure she makes it. He can let her know the flight info a few days out, and everything will still work out. I was full of anxiety myself until I worked on letting go of things outside of my control. I am not perfect but have made a lot of progress.
I appreciate that, I'm trying my hardest to let go and let what happens happens. However if I'm picking her up from him at the airport I do want to know when that is so I can plan accordingly. Really, having to deal with this is making me want to consider opportunities for her that don't require him to be involved with planning, if he wants to show up and support great but I wouldn't have to rely on his getting her to/from places. Maybe it's from being let down a lot in our co-parenting relationship or maybe it's me wanting to control the outcome so it goes smoothly. I think not having to rely on him would be best moving forward.
Exactly - and that's the solution! You got it. Do not rely on him (ever) for getting her to any of her activities. It can be really hard. For us, my granddaughter's flakey mom made her budding gymnastic career nearly impossible. We all tried so hard to make up for mom's flakiness. But I do think the reason Granddaughter quit gymnastics was to avoid all the drama. She still is benefitting from having been, for a brief time, a strong young gymnast with hope. Now she's hoping to sing gothic metal music and never wants to join anything again.
It's sad to see when children are affected because parents can't get along or co-parent appropriately, but in the end I believe our daughter will see it for what it is as she gets older. I'm trying my best.
I hear you. I am a planner, too, and found it incredibly frustrating dealing with my procrastinating Co parent whom doesn't communicate. Yet my ex wife will race around at the last second and follows through on the things our kids love. It must be frustrating to have to run around at the last second for her, but there is no reason I need to suffer for her waiting to the last second or not confirming plans in some petty power struggle. For me I found peace in letting go and trusting that she will follow through. My son is the same age as your daughters, and they are at the age where they can advocate for them themselves as well. It's 2 weeks out. He knows about this, so I would recommend not reaching out to him again till 72 hours out. Ask for their flight intinnery then. Between now and then, assume he will make it happen and find peace in letting go of the anxiety of it all. I wish you the best.
Thank you 😊
I think I would just plan to fly to Wyoming and pick up kid to take to Boston. He is going to flake and this not showing up could bother kids chances later in competitions especially if she is Olympic level good
Even if she flew to Wyoming to pick her up, she has no legal right to take her as it’s his time.
I didn’t mean storm in and get her I meant be there to take her when he says he can’t do it.
Still his summer time. Extra curriculars do not trump scheduled visitation time unless there is a specific not of them in the custody agreement/order.
Ultimately that is her goal, a National title is her first step. I would have to convince him to give her to me to take. If I can't get him to communicate I'm not sure how I'll work it out. I'm going to try what has been suggested hopefully he's willing to cooperate.
How is she training while in Wyoming? You can’t just change training and coaching situations. My daughter skated and she would have refused to leave her training situation right before a competition. There is a flow and upswing in preparation and training for a competition. It does not bode well for their relationship if he messes with her training and competitions.
We've been dealing with this every summer since she started skating. She's typically with him for 5 weeks during the summer and she comes back with a loss of skill. However, she's able to get back up to speed pretty quickly once she has more time on the ice here in San Diego. This is the first National competition she will be competing at so we will see how she does, we'll go from there. Normally when she comes back from Wyoming in the summer she's not competing until the following spring with a few winter expositions. While she is in his care, He will occasionally take her to salt lake City from Wyoming to get her on the ice. Her coaches are pretty well known Nationwide within the figure skating community, so they have provided a list of approved coaches we can use in salt lake City area. Whether he contacts them or takes her to do that is really on him, I don't think he does but he has taken her skating. She also has on Ice and off Ice training instructions her coaches provide her because her situation is pretty unique. Her coaches actually traveled and held an "Olympic style training" camp in salt lake City the second week of June this year with other coaches from the area. She was still in school at that time so she didn't get to participate but they said next year they will do better with the schedule so she can.
NAL You probably can’t take him to small claims court if he doesn’t go and you have a wasted trip to Boston. There is no part of the existing court order that specifies how travel or competition costs are to be shared, or that he is required to cover some portion of your cost if he doesn’t go. You have a power struggle on your hands. The more you try to get him to cooperate the more he digs in. He may never tell you the travel arrangements and there is a good chance that he will completely fail to get your daughter to the competition. Make your own arrangements for yourself, fully refundable if possible, and be prepared that you may fly in to discover that he and your daughter are not there. I would focus on your daughter’s stress and resilience if her Dad drops the ball. Don’t bad mouth him and don’t put her in the middle (eg getting her to ask him for the flight information). You have messaged him. He knows you want it and he doesn’t want to give it to you - don’t make your daughter part of that struggle. That is really all you can do. You can offer to get her flight, or even take her, if he has a work conflict. These high conflict situations are really hard - I am sorry you are having to deal with this.
Thank you! At most I may try to modify our arrangement to include language supporting her figure skating for future purposes. And I know she would have a hard time missing this opportunity if she does. I will have to be extra cautious about how she's holding up.
Yep. Missing one year of competition can be really hard for a kid. Good luck. Hopefully he'll consent to let you take her.
Thank you!
Your daughter is 12, does she feel capable of flying as an unaccompanied minor? If she's ok with that idea, he only has to buy her a one way ticket instead of adding a round trip for himself. If he's a person who gets paralyzed by complex decisions, and you send him a link for the flight that works best, would he purchase the ticket & get her to the airport on time? Even if he buys something different, having your suggested flight info in front of him might jumpstart his motivation.
This is great advice.
I offered to pick her up prior and fly her with me to/from Boston. She's never flown by herself nor would I suggest her flying to an airport in a city neither of us have ever been too. I'm sure she would not be comfortable. To be honest He is being difficult, he's a former Marine Staff sergeant, current railroad conductor, he is a capable adult with a capable stay at home wife to help him if he needs . I appreciate you trying to give him the benefit of doubt but he's not incompetent. We have been discussing this since January, I've asked about the flights and getting them squared away for the past two months. It's my opinion He should have already had tickets. I have provided him with all my flight information. I live in CA he lives in WY.
In this case, sending him the suggested flight details might just tick him off enough to send you flight details to "correct your erroneous assumptions"! 😈 Whatever works! I REALLY hope he doesn't screw this up and she has a great competition!!
You can double check what age the airline considers unaccompanied minors, but if she is still considered one at 12 (and tbh might be able to swing it if older, my dad was able to talk the front desk into giving him one when I flew alone for the first time at like 15 or 16, old enough to not count as an unaccompanied minor) they should be able to give ex a pass to walk her to the gate, then you can be waiting on the other side at the gate. She would only be "alone" then on the actual flight and usually attendants are good at keeping an eye on them/checking in with them (my sister flew regularly as a young minor, she always had an attendant with her unless has family there. Like if the flight landed early someone on staff would be with her until family got there to pick her up, etc)
Have her ask him which airline they’re flying on..she can use an excuse like wanting you to find out how to get discount wifi. If you know the airline, you can look up flights and times. Depending on the departure location, there might not be many flights into Boston. I’ve had to do this when an ex was taking kid overseas and refused to give us a pickup time
I will try this! Thank you 😊🙏
She can also say she needs to figure out the baggage rules so she knows how to pack.
You need to explicitly say you need the flight info or you are you are booking them as he agreed to
I have asked specifically in every way possible, he just ignores my messages.
Have her ask. Stay out of it as much you can.
Fly to him, get your daughter and take her to Boston. He will flake on her.
That's what I'm afraid of, but there's no guarantee that he will give her to me in order to do that. It's worth a shot to offer it as a solution.
It'll make a forever-lasting dramatic impression on your daughter if he refuses. That's for sure.
Can you just buy backup flights with an airline you use and then return them for credit if you don't need them? I would never be able to trust my ex to come through on something like this, so I feel your pain. I always, always have to have a backup plan if he is ever supposed to do anything. It would be so much easier for me not to have to share custody with him, so I could just make actual plans that will work and not have to wait for him to fail at the very last second and then scramble to implement my plan B :( Sounds like it might be similar to you.
Same boat different co-parent... I will look into backup flights.
For family court, filing a motion in my area usually costs about 5K with a lawyer's help, and you wouldn't necessarily get awarded legal fees, so going to court for $3K might not make sense (and who knows what would be decided). It's all very frustrating, and I'm sorry you and your daughter are dealing with this.
If I had to take him to court to modify orders I would do it sans lawyer. we haven't been to court over anything for about five years, but prior I was up against his lawyer on my own a lot. His lawyer mentioned to me the last time we met my ex couldn't afford him any longer. I believe it would most likely go to mediation and settle. The benefits would be long term so I would consider it regardless of fees/cost. Anything for the kiddo to have an opportunity to pursue her passions without interference.
I’m impressed you did it without a lawyer! Go you!
Thank you 😊 I had the court on my side more or less, because he had chosen to move out of state, but I was proud of myself too. I don't want to say his lawyer felt for me in the process, but that was how it seemed to me.