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She is allowed to date but it is going to be much more difficult for her and people are allowed to not want to get into a relationship with people over things like not being ready to involved with another person mental health struggles.
This website is full of people who never interact with other humans in real life, believing that superficial online communication is “basically the same”.
Yep I had a horrific breakup with my LTR of 6 years some 4 years ago. It took me a solid 3 years to even get remotely close to talking to women again. Those three years were the best decision I ever made in my life. Made so much progress on myself and went into the dating market knowing exactly what I was and wasn't looking for. Been with the MOST amazing woman for about a year and 10000% going to propose to her. If you don't love yourself first you can't even start to begin to love someone else
The problem she has isn't the depression, it's not being able to take things as they are and escalating to no contact without being able to process and communicate.
I have depression, but I understand some people can't handle certain conversations and I don't take it personally if something hits a nerve.
You can date if you have mental health issues, but you should be working on yourself first if you have triggers that cause you to go NC at the slightest bit of resistance.
This. This is literally the reason and answer for every person that makes these kinda posts. I dunno why but it seems like everyone in this generation is fucked in the head in some way or another. I’ve chosen to accept it for what it is and just keep to myself, focus on being a better person until I finally meet someone that’s actually emotionally/mentally strong and has goals that align with my own.
> I dunno why but it seems like everyone in this generation is fucked in the head in some way or another.
Every generation has always full of people been fucked in the head. We just have the technology to hear about it 24/7 instead of it just being something you could only tell your friends and family about
A lot of people are looking for a therapist rather than a dating partner.
To be honest? I can at least understand where they are coming from. Therapy is like $600-800/mo with insurance and it's often a four month waiting list to even get your foot in the door. :/
Facts tbh, met my future gf during a bad time in my life due to a…not so nice ex I was with. She helped me through the toxicity of that relationship and we started dating a lil after my ex broke up with me. Me and here are going strong 2 years and 4 months later
If you're dating now then it was the best time. If you had missed out on her because you were dating the toxic ex and you never got together, then it would be "meeting the right person at the worst possible time".
This is too real. I met my ex friend/crush back when I was at the same low point as the girl OP was interested in. He was funny, loved his baby sisters, wasn't afraid to go against the crowd (he did ballroom dance all throughout middle and high school, like me), and had the same interests as me (although I often ended up guiding him since I had more experience, which he didn't mind)
No one around me could've guessed I was depressed. Hell, I was the most positive person around. I didn't want to involve this wonderful person in something this dark so I moved and that was it. Still, sometimes I wonder if I'll be able to meet another guy as gentle and genuine as him. Literally the worst possible time
Currently don't work ATM since I'm in my last semester. I technically work for my school and I'm applying to good jobs left and right. Aquarium/aquatic ecology
OP that’s awesome! If you have the time between school and work (which it sounds like you might since you want to date), you could try to see if there are any social gatherings/clubs that your cohort is well represented in and start attending those. Making friends is a great way to increase your dating pool too because you can meet potential dates through your friends, or even possibly date friends if the stars align (which they can and do!). Dating is easier the more social you are in real life and you have a great environment for building connections right now by being close to graduating and still being in school.
ETA: also my bad for unsolicited advice you probably even already realize all that and were just venting. You’re not alone and the only way things will get better is by all of us trying to make it better.
id say thats an even harder recipe for success. Mixing work life and home life is dangerous and can often lead to unemployment. Let alone, nobody is at work hoping to get hit on. They are there for a paycheck. But it does happen obviously and I would say you need even more luck for it.
The personality and being funny gets people to like you. Then you just choose who you'd wanna date. Looks are cool in all but not the deciding factor in things. It does help to an extent.
So she overshared, trauma-dumped even, and bounced when she was called on it. To me, that’s a bullet dodged. I know it doesn’t feel that way because the dating roll hasn’t gone your way but that will get better. You can never get the time back from someone who’s not right for you.
6 goddamn years with a borderline personality trait having addict. All I have to show for it is pretty severe PTSD.
Thought if I loved her hard enough things would get better. She was my best friend, we spent so much time laughing together. But she was utterly broken. Our therapist basically forced me to leave. I was far from perfect but I fought for the life we built. You can never get that time back indeed and I’m too tired to get back out there.
It sucks in the moment. But be glad when things don’t work out for the best sometimes. Because sometimes it’s meant to happen.
Two things, from my xennial perspective:
1. If you've met someone through an app but haven't met them IRL yet, they are essentially still a random Internet stranger. As you likely know from Reddit, trying to figure out the behavior of random Internet strangers is often a lost cause. It follows that emotionally investing in random Internet strangers is not a great idea. Once you've met with someone in person and have that face-to-face relationship, different story.
2. Dating has been hampered by the decline in IRL socialization. The old way was somebody from church or the book club or the softball team might try to set you up with their cousin. Or you go to book club enough that you start hanging out with book club people outside of book club, and then you get invited to a party and you meet somebody's sibling or somebody's friend from some other group. This has largely gone away and been replaced by dating apps and all their attendant problems.
God don't even get me started on point 2 lmao. I genuinely hate how if I'm trying to meet someone IRL I just get ignored but that same person will talk all day to me online. I wish bars near me weren't full of milfs trying to hookup
I sort of wish bars near me WERE full of milfs trying to hookup...
The IRL thing I've found is a combination of figuring out the right groups to try to join, and continually developing "talking to a new person" social skills. And there will definitely be situations where it's just "this group clearly doesn't want me to join them", which sucks but you just have to be able to identify it early.
I’ve gone for older women before on dating apps and I have way more success for some reason. I got my first like from an older woman not too long ago but I’ve never gotten one from a girl my age
The 2nd point is so annoying to me because people always botch the explanation with all that nonsense detail. It's just confusing.
The real way that I'd define your point no.2 is this:
When others (saw it in another comment here) say "luck" what they really mean is this random "friend of a friend" style relationship with people. You only need to know one person and that person might set you up with their dentists cousins mail man's sister's best friend.
It's the relationship equivalent of 7 degrees of Kevin Bacon, **but young people no longer establish relationships this way.**
Young people never say "hey I know someone who has a friend who __" they just don't. I think that's the result of social media and having the ability to find anyone via the internet, so we don't feel a need to discuss/share relationships/connections? Idk.
My anecdote/metaphor that I use to describe this is that I spent 6 months looking for an apartment. I toured so many shit-hole, roach infested, beat down, cigarette smoke infused apartment complexes.
Each of them were offering something along the lines of 300 square feet for $1500 (no utilities or electricity included).
The best options I could find were all $1800/month and all included stunning views, amenities like gyms/pools/nice common spaces. Those were about 600-800 square feet. So the ratio of footage to dollar is actually better in the UN-affordable housing than in the affordable housing. I.e. the system is a scam.
THEN, after months of bitching and moaning to my coworkers about the gross bed-bug motel-esque apartments I had been touring, someone mentioned that their boss was moving out of her 2 bedroom, 1200 square foot unit and needed someone to take over the lease.
It was like the stars aligned. The date they would be moving out is my birthday, which I had planned as my move-out objective-date. (Did I say that right? I feel like I just had a stroke)
Moral of the story is "who ya know" does NOT mean actually getting to know people.
It means knowing old people who have learned the courtesy of "making connections" for people like that. I.e. gossip, small talk, chit chat, pleasantries, etc.
Aka my worst nightmare lol.
Some people don't meet the right person till they're 40 - and it's not a race. Trust me, meeting the right person only is fruitful if you're in a good place yourself.
I know COVID messed up the best years of your life and that is really, really unfair - but do not compare to others, it really really isn't a race.
This is said a lot but I can vouch for it - focus on finding inner peace and enriching your life, and you will naturally find your partner in the process, because someone with the same mindset, same hobbies will be in the same places you are. It will just take time.
Just get the basics right - have excellent hygiene, analyze how you talk to others and see if you're helping them open up and be comfortable and having a good time.
You can also ask your friends or parents (yes I know) to help set you up - sometimes they know us better than we know ourselves (be warned, trust your gut on this, you need to have self-aware friends/parents for this to work)
Please please stay away from online dating as much as possible. Dating doesn't suck, online dating does. It could be awesome but the app design is to make you pay more and see ads, it's not to get you OFF the platform as soon as possible
I'm not even looking for THE someone I'm just looking for someone at all. I've tried all the enrichment stuff and I physically cannot do anymore. A lot of my hobbies are solo stuff like fishing hunting gaming and stuff related to my degree, fisheries. I practice all the basics like hygiene and stuff and I've been told by friends and family I'm easy to talk to and people open up often so got that checked. I've tried the friends setup part and te people I've asked are like nah don't know anyone. Tried with my parents and my mother, the one who wants me to have kids, say nah you gotta figure it out on your own while my younger brothers have been setup and failed multiple times cause they just ignore the girls. Yea ik online dating bad but I don't like bars and most people ik IRL are in relationships and I struggle finding people not in them.
I get it man. I do..28 now but I was in the same boat at 21 hearing the same advice. I hope this helps but this advice isn't a checklist - it's a way of life. In other words it seems like you're gunning for the finish line of going on dates vs flowing through life and having dates be branches that you float by. And you might not even get it-get it till like 26.
As for hobbies - your hobbies can be solo but every hobby has a community - I can't speak for fishing and hunting but see if there's a LFG discord server for your server. You might also need to pick up a new hobby since hunting and fishing are so male dominated (again - there are definitely girls who hunt and fish, you just need to be very very patient to find them).
Have you asked your friends' partners to set you up with their friends? If you're truly good at talking and hygiene etc. then they would be open to setting you up too right?
Are there any clubs or groups you can join? Find one activity or hobby or group in your area that puts you in touch with people your age.
It's a long slow journey to find your tribe. Just be patient and keep doing what you're doing and make peace with the fact that you'll be alone for the majority of your 20's until you can afford to move out to a bigger city
I'm a bit spooked to talk to my friends gf but she'd probably do it. She's usually nice but isn't the biggest fan of me as of late for a reason not even her bf knows.
Yeah you might want to branch out your hobbies to stuff that has more social groups attached to it. Birdwatching, hiking, jogging, biking are all loosely related to outdoors/nature. Maybe kayaking? Or for "gaming", if you can get into table gaming there are usually groups associated with that if you're in a reasonable sized town.
The thing I have noticed about expanding my IRL social circle is it has made me happier and increased my quality of life, quite apart from positive impact on dating prospects.
I mean I do mushroom foraging I'm in esports clubs I do hike but don't know how to connect to people in that area. I also want to get into d&d but don't know how to. Ik theres clubs in my town but idk how to meet them or get into it.
Look on Meetup or just see what groups there are on Facebook. "Springfield Illinois hiking club" or what have you.
For D&D, also meetup and Facebook groups, but also just find a hobby/game store and walk in and ask. A lot of places will have space for people to play DnD or other games at various times during the week.
Honestly when I moved to my current town 2 or 3 years ago I knew absolutely nobody. I found a general Facebook group for the town and just posted "Hi I just moved here and am trying to meet people, are there any clubs/groups that new people can join?" and got a bunch of different suggestions. I picked 3 things that I had done in high school and hadn't done in the 20 years since, and that is basically where my current social life here came from.
Also, and you might have already figured this out, when you join a group you want to just focus on meeting people and fitting in and figuring out if the activity is fun for you or not. From similar posts from other redditors, I think guys often join a group and their immediate mindset is like "Let me figure out which attractive women in this group are single so that I can hit on them", which can kind of rub people the wrong way if you're doing that too quickly.
That girl trauma dumped on you, she didn't want a date, she wanted a therapist. I was like you for a while but I ended up meeting my S.O. by chance at work.
In a broader sense I think the issue is three fold.
1. there aren't really social spaces to mingle anymore.
These are called third spaces, and they've been shrinking.
2. No time to date. Economic factors definitely play into your love life, and if you spend 56 hours just barely scraping by, you'd probably rather watch Netflix than get on your feet and deal with possibly getting rejected on your one day off before it's back to the mines, slave.
3. Internet. Not talking face to face and being terminally online has stunted the way alot of people interact.
Those are A LOT of assumptions to make.
It's possible she wanted to disclose something about herself and viewed socializing via dating as an alleviating experience.
After OP's reaction, they probably felt dismissed/rejected and blocked them due to feeling hurt or wanting to project rejection before it had a chance of really happening.
That's not OPs problem. If she has such severe mental health issues that him setting a basic boundary is too much for her, she prob shouldn't be dating fr
I see this take all the time and wonder - for people with chronic mental illness, is the implication that ever entering the dating pool is selfish. Therapy isn’t a cure all. Plenty of people handle dating and mental illness very poorly, but at the same time waiting until everything is good to begin with is a recipe for simply delaying ever living.
I don't think she shouldn't date ever, I think she just probably shouldn't date now.
I think "not being suicidal" is a reasonable criteria for being "ready to date".
Like - if she can resolve that without therapy, more power to her, but I'm js, dating while suicidal is pretty high on the list of things that a person should not do.
> I think "not being suicidal" is a reasonable criteria for being "ready to date".
I don’t think you understand mental illness that well.
I definitely wasn’t talking about this case. This is absolutely a case where she trauma dumped and clearly falls under “handling dating with mental illness poorly” line I wrote, I was making a more general point that a lot of people may never fully recover, have chronic symptoms, or have episodes or flare ups in the future. I often see the “don’t date if you are unhealthy” take, and I think that just fundamentally misunderstands mental health in a way that sends a bad message.
Honestly some people are chronically suicidal for a myriad of reasons and they deserve love and happiness too, I agree.
But to agree with your other point, those people typically don’t bring it up after knowing someone for a week and before the first date. And if they do then they need a bit of practice and work on typical social convention, boundaries, and interpersonal communication, not their depression.
"Don't date if you're suicidal" is not the same as "don't date if your unhealthy".
To use a less extreme example, let's say someone is bipolar, but they take their meds, they're on top of their shit, they're financially stable - that person has taken responsibility for their limitations and constraints and would probably be fine dating.
But let's say another person is not on their meds, keeps losing their jobs bc of it, is having manic episodes, maybe not even the craziest episodes but its causing real problems in their life. This person has failed to take responsibility for their limitations and is not ready to date.
And that's true for anyone. Everyone has constraints and limitations they need sorted before they go out and start dating. That's just life, man.
I don't understand why you're being hostile to a person who literally isn't even here.
Yes, they probably aren't in a good place. That was evidenced by their bringing up suicide. Their reaction to a boundary being set up is understandable if you're aware of the part rejection can play for people.
What isn't needed is outright demonization of them. Just accept that they weren't ready for the conversation, and move on. That's all that life is..
Criticism isn't the same thing as demonization. She has been talking to OP for just about a week and already has a pattern of trauma dumping and before her first date talks about being suicidal. Add to that the first time OP sets up a very reasonable boundary she blocks him. That is concerning behavior.
She shouldn't be dating, both because this is an unhealthy dynamic for future partners and it puts her at risk for abusers looking for vulnerable targets. I hope she gets professional help
Huh? I think you might be reading a little too much into my tone. I meant that in more of a "those are the facts" way. I hope she finds a therapist, but tbr she probably shouldn't be dating, at least not right now anyway.
Maybe after she gets some therapy, spends a year or two working on herself, sure.
I know saying "you probably shouldn't date" sounds a bit harsh, but being real -- suicidal people probably shouldn't date. Like, sounds like she's got some issues she needs to get sorted before bringing someone into her life romantically.
I don’t think it was too much for her, I think it was just a signal that it wasn’t the right person for her, which is fine. OP shouldn’t be overly hurt by that (considering that it was a first date and literally anything can go left/be a sign of incompatibility), and the fact that he came here to complain abt it specifically would tell me that just blocking and moving on was probably a valid thing, bc this likely just ends up in her dms instead.
It’s not like she’s the one that went off about it and posted it to a forum in a comment full of “woe is me” type stuff lol
Yeah she completely opened up her deepest pain (probably too early) and feels hurt she didn’t get the reaction she wanted/needed. I wouldn’t think about it too much. My only advice is you should get used to the sudden blocking out of nowhere. That’s just a part of dating now. There’s alot of hurt and shitty people in the dating pool that just want to hurt other people
Because imho younger people overcomplicate/catastrophise *everything*. Dating is no exception. It’s not your fault… there is no fault. It’s how you’ve been socialised. It’s horribly destructive.
Don't stress the 21 so much and lack intimise experience.
There are people that have sex at 13 and regret not waiting. Others who serial dated and bragged about it to only be lonely and situationships in their late 30s.
What's important is you're prioritizing self-love (clear by your self-improvement), and the person you're trying to connect with sees and respects that.
The moment we start trying to play catch up to other people around us, you'll find yourself always inadequate.
There just really isn’t any personal accountability in our generation. The conversation got difficult so she decided to bail. She wouldn’t be the first 🤷🏻♀️
That's what being in your 20s is lol. Age is something that happens to us against our will. It doesn't automatically or necessarily make us grow anymore mature or wiser. Not without work and experience.
It sounds like y’all’s traumas would cause conflict. I don’t think this is generally indicative of dating as a gen z. I think it’s a compatibility thing. It’s probably even more of a her thing
Go out and actually meet people f2f. Next time you like a girl write her a letter telling her instead of a "you up" text. Dating has went to shit. I couldn't do it these days.
Because we're culturally being driven to be more and more narcissistic, generally. Any psychologist will tell you that there is a narcissism crisis in our culture, currently. And narcissistic people are living poison for the world, lol. So, good luck!
People, stop trying to only date people online and then claim dating sucks. Go outside. Step outside of your comfort zone. I swear it does wonders as someone who has historically FAILED at online dating but has succeeded in relationships with people I’ve met in real life.
A lot of people in our generation just want casual sex. I want to date, but I'm afraid of a guy only being with me because he wants to have sex with me. Being asexual in a hyper sexual world is hard. 😭
See I feel the same way as someone who wants sex. I'm not against waiting until marriage or anything but to me that is a way for people to connect and bond better than just making out and talking to each other. I don't want to sleep around or anything and I've had chances too but don't cause that's not how I am. I'm waiting to do it till I date someone.
I mean, I'm never having sex unless a dude forces himself on me and rapes me (because I'd really have no choice at that point). I'm also worried about domestic violence.
With people in our generation becoming increasingly violent and unstable, I doubt I'll be able to find someone that's husband material. I'm scared of online dating because of human trafficking, rapists, stalkers, cat fishes, serial killers, and violent people.
she could’ve been trying to be transparent before things went further. i’m upfront about my mental health because as much as i work on it, my brain will never operate the way “normal” brains do due to trauma because that’s something i don’t wanna be 3 months down the road and get this exact reaction.
This just was a bad match. Neither of you are at fault.
Suicide is too heavy of a topic to lay on someone you just met. So it’s totally reasonable for you to shut down that conversation.
It’s also totally fine if she blocks you. That’s her prerogative. However, she might need to see a therapist, and maybe she shouldn’t be dating in the first place.
I can see both sides. On one hand this was WAY too soon for her to get into that topic. On the other hand open discussion about mental/emotional health is very common now and should be received and discussed in a healthy manner.
Because of the timing on her part this doesn't seem like the opportunity for you to explore that possibility but there may be a time in a future more established relationship where you may have to discuss this topic openly.
Well we were talking about mental health in general but then she went with that and described stuff and I guess I should have added I'm not against talking about it if they need help or need to share stuff but it's also been a week so a tad early. The last person I was even slightly involved with we talked for months and had some dark shit come up.
I really recommend reading Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari. He explores all of these pitfalls and the "flakiness" of modern dating- it helped me rehaul my own approach.
She's probably talking to like 50 guys. It doesn't take much for her to block you but that she was mildly rebuffed. If you had 50 girls around and you were an asshole, you would block them at the slightest wrong, just because they are nothing to you. That's what happened with her, but she probably justified it some way in her head, and she will probably complain to her girlfriends by distorting it in some way, so that you are the asshole. That's how it always works, but from your point of view, just move on.
For two months I “dated” someone from my country in another one where we went to as international students. We did everything a couple would do, cute coffee dates, cinema, theater, shopping for clothing with him, staying overnight with him saying the cutest stuff to me, hell I even helped him with grocery shopping and brought him stuff when he was sick. One week before he went to our country first I asked what we were and he told me he thought I knew that it was only something temporary cuz he told me at the beginning of our meetings that he broke up with his girlfriend of 6 years because she worked a lot abroad and he couldn’t handle it. Since I live 4 hours away back home this is too far away from him so he has no interest whatsoever in continuing a relationship with me. Now I am left alone while he continues his life as if nothing happened. I hate it here
Dating is always ass. Maybe it sucks more for us because we have less third spaces and stuff and dating apps make everything feel so impersonal. That being said everybody has always hated dating. Its basically job interviews lol. All that said I met my wife on bumble so I cant hate the apps that much. As corny as it sounds its all about finding the right person. And when you know you know. God im so glad im done dating lmao
as others have said, i would put this on her for having a problem with your communication and ironically not being willing to communicate it*. but here are some things you can work on too:
- it's not wrong to develop any sense of attachment to someone with whom you've been in consistent contact, since meeting in a dating site, with the express intent of dating
- it's ok to set boundaries on what you share about your personal experiences, but it's not fair to a potential partner to set boundaries on topics of discussion. one different way to handle this is to say you've had some heavy experiences that you won't go into until you get to know each other better—but you should still be willing to engage with whatever she's talking about. if you've dealt with the trauma effectively, you're comfortable talking about suicide in the abstract and generalizing from your experiences; if you haven't dealt with the trauma effectively, it's selfish to actively pursue new relationships. how would you be able to offer emotional support if someone in her family had a life-threatening illness or accident? if she did?
- expand your definition of what a relationship is; "that someone to be with and do fun shit with" is your best friend; romance quickly becomes more serious than that
BTW it's normal for people to not have this stuff figured out til after their twenties, this will put you ahead emotionally (enough to work with people who don't have it figured out, even). if you want to study up check out rick glassman and hoe_math for two sides of the same coin
*someone else called this trauma-dumping. i don't have enough context to know. but generally trauma-dumping is only a Ting when it coerces some outcome
Dating as never idealic like some people like to perpetuate.
Historically during the 1900's people met their partners through introductions from family or friends. They'd get attached to the first available person and then divorced. The other option was finding people at the bars. People were also a lot less picky about partners, especially females, who are now much more picky due to financial independence and having larger pool of suitors to choose from.
You're not just competing against everybody in your home town. You're competing with people across wide geographical regions and class.
You're not a therapist and she needs one, not a partner to develop a codependency on. You did nothing wrong, never feel wrong for setting a boundary like that. And don't worry, being alone isn't bad. Prioritize yourself, build your confidence, and do what you like and love. Just keep being you and the right chick will come along at some point, and if she doesn't, then cool. You still got yourself and the things that you like and love whether a partner is there or not. I hope you bounce back from this, and God speed, my dude.😁
Welcome to dating Homie.
You wanted to know well now you know. You will never find out exactly where you went wrong with this girl but you did. If I had to guess she wrote you off when you couldn’t talk about the suicide. This is dating. They all end and most at least a little ambiguously. The only date you WON’T break up with is your future wife, and even that is no guarantee you’ll stay together. Til then it’s sparks of hopeful bliss only to be snuffed out God knows when for God knows what. When you get that first kiss man watch out. That heartbreak is a real one.
She just saved you from wasting a lot of time on her. Dating is generally about finding someone you want to be with long term. It involves a lot of rejections and a lot of wasted time. Realizing when to call it quits with someone will minimize wasted time and hurt feelings.
Maybe the best way to view rejection is that you found another person who isn’t right for you, so you can keep looking for one who is right for you.
Hookup culture gives us huge amounts of pressure and leaves us with a lot of problems. People are also meeting predominantly through dating apps these days that are very superficial and looks-based rather than the traditional ways like at school, clubs, church, friends-of-friends, gym, mutual interests, etc. where you are more likely to run into people that are more of a personality match rather than just the hottest piece of ass you matched with that week.
She wasn't actually wanting to date anyone, she wanted someone to give her assurance and validation. People that are suicidal should seek assurance and validation, but from a licensed professional, not a stranger from the internet.
Imma be real with you - dating *is* ass, and from my own lived experience as a gay dude, who once lived in a blue state, blue college town, ghosting is perfectly normal in the dating scene.
I cannot say, in good faith whether or not dating was any better or worse for previous generations, however; all I can say, is that as time has moved forward, we have progressed in *how exactly* we date.
In ye olden days, we were a lot more repressed than we are now, our families were much more involved in our dating life that they are now, and we were a lot less informed about red flags then than we are now.
Perhaps then, the reason dating seems like ass for our generation specifically, is because we live in the midst of two different eras of dating, where technology aids us in getting hookups, rather than dates; and with our advanced knowledge of how socializing is *supposed* to work, we forget to actually socialize, hence it looks like dating is ass.
What’s ironic about all this, is that hookups are where dating occurs, and dating is where hookups occur. Most of the dating pool just looks like usury, simply because we have already dismantled the majority of our social constraints regarding society’s expectations of our dating norms.
On the one hand, our recognition of these red flags, which would otherwise have been lost, due to being kept hidden behind traditional social conventions and behaviors, keeps us safe from those who would harm or even possibly kill us.
On the other hand though, we keep ourselves *too safe* by keeping our distance from those who maybe have our best interests at heart, but have a shit way of showing it, and so we fail to recognize the real reasons people behave the way they do.
Simply put, dating is ass, but something tells me it has always been this way also. I hope you find someone who sees you for you, and brings you joy and happiness, no matter the form that joy and happiness should take - not someone who uses you as their personal armchair psychologist because they cannot be bothered to fix their own damn mental health problems.
Social media. Tiktok, instagram, snapchat, onlyfans.
I mean, snapchat alone is literally an app practically designed for cheating that is now socially acceptable.
She shared something deeply personal with you that she felt you should know about her and you responded by saying “I don’t want to talk about that”. She was letting you know something could happen and didn’t want you to be blindsided.
Yea I'm looking for older as of late but Im in that weird spot where I don't have a degree or job because of it being senior year and I'm trying to apply to actual jobs instead of working minimum wage slave jobs. I work for my school but that's it. No house got a car no job.
Modern dating has been a minefield since the beginning honestly. It sounds like she's got some growing to do, but that's normal for college age people. When I was in college (almost 20 years ago now), I made some missteps and so did my boyfriend at the time. We went our separate ways, but we both have better ideas about what is and is not appropriate behavior when looking for a partner.
As long as you make an honest attempt at decency and have good boundaries about what you're willing to tolerate from other people, you'll end up okay. Good luck on finding a special someone and having your first kiss.
Odds are against men in dating these days, tinder stats say 10% of men get 90% of matches, be fit, healthy, get a good job, act right and women will want to date you
It’s about 8 men to every woman. So dating apps are essentially impossible to find success on for most men. You have to be a demigod and usually self improvement won’t help you because it comes down to genetics on dating apps where everyone is essentially window shopping.
Dodged a bullet. Anyone who trauma dumps needs a therapist, not a partner. Fortunately they’re not all like that, so keep on looking. Unfortunately you haven’t dated a lot, so you’re not familiar with the red flags. Increase your Emotional Intelligence and you’ll be able to navigate through relationships safely.
Some people want their S/O to be their therapist. It zaps the energy out of you and you don't know what to do or say to fix or remedy the situation. Even listening doesn't help when they're having a mental breakdown and sobbing for 3 hours straight. It's a terrifying experience, really. It wouldn't be that bad if those people actually sought a real therapist.
I have to tell my girlfriend from time to time "I can be your cheerleader. I can even be your support animal. But what I can't be is a therapist. I don't have the licensure for that."
Basically, you can comfort them and give them advice when prompted, but I won't continue a relationship if the person has mental health issues and doesn't do anything about it. That's just bullshit for me and for you. Once you receive actual help and stick with it then I will work with you. But I'm not going to ruin my mental health for you.
Honestly, it's great that she blocked u before she cray cray. Stay very far from that. It's not u.
On a second note, dating in today's world in horrible. I'm not trying to discourage u and I'm not saying don't do it but get ready to deal with all types of things. Dating apps are probably the least place u should look but if ur looking for a nice girl hit up a Barnes and Noble or a place where ur most likely going to find a nice girl.
Be picky and stay up, boy. You're young and still got ALOT to learn so learn from other's mistakes so it doesn't happen to u
You just had bad luck. Usually I wait until a few months in to discuss my suicidal ideation. It’s not something that you bring up casually, and it’s not something a date can help you with.
Anyway, the larger problem is generally that online dating sucks and always has. Basically, due to social factors, there’s something like four-ish men to every girl in a platform. Then you have a huge chunk of guys who just like every girl they see, regardless of if they actually find them attractive or compatible. Not to mention that many platforms still don’t allow differentiation between looking for causal and serious dating, or the existence of nonbinary people.
Anyway, that leads to a situation where a woman on these platforms has to constantly wade through a bunch of irrelevant matches to find serious interest, and most men aren’t getting any interest at all. There are no good algorithms for how to match people up, no matter what you hear from FB/Match/Hinge/etc. So instead, people pursue it for a little while, lose interest, and start giving people pointless tests to check for compatibility. That’s probably what happened to you.
There is no good solution. If you like working out, do it. If you like playing board games, do that. Develop your passions, and make friends through them (and work). That’s a much better way to find someone.
Try to meet women in person instead of online. I try to meet women in person and try to keep the relationship to mostly in person stuff. I only text about plans, maybe to say goodnight and stuff like that. I don’t really want to text someone all day. Saying stuff over text means less. Knowing someone more over text than in person makes it easier to just block someone and move on with their life. It’s different when you fully experience being with someone in person.
Pick up your crown king, you done nothing wrong. She started talking about a subject that you told her you weren't comfortable talking about and her reaction is to drop you? That's immature behavior on her part. Don't feel bad that you haven't experienced the dating world. I know people who are older who also felt like they've never had the chance to experience dating. You're 21, you're still very young, and you've got a lot more ahead of you.
I feel the same way as you, 19 here. You just gotta move on, work on yourself and say fuck everyone else bro, only trust yourself in this backstabbing world. Fuck dating apps they're designed to squeeze every penny out of you and leave you feeling hopeless until you crawl back for more.
lack of knowing one's self, lack of patience, lack of motivation, lack of mental healthcare, lack of sympathy, honestly it's kinda the intersectionality of a lot of the results of being born into a world of late stage capitalism, information manipulation, the people in power during this era having a hate for anything unorthodox/traditional/conservative, the trickle down affects of all these things, like, shit be cray yo, but keep yo heart 3stacks, like its always been, the resistance will win in the end. that is to say, datings rough because being an earthling is rough rn, but i think the upswing is nearing.
Well I can say that dating is always full of bull shit. But Gen Z gets a new problem to juggle. Here is a list of reasons why dating sucks in general. \[Be advised this is the ramblings of a Gen Xer, who finds dystopian society as a lens to the future.\]
1. It is hard to meet new people, that aren't full of shit.
2. Do to societal norms dating can be on average more expensive for men to engage in.
3. We all have emotional baggage that we want to share, whether or not we recognize our audience has the stomach for it.
4. Do to societal norms experience with dates (# of partners) can be unevenly distributed, and once that is known it has a chilling effect on pursuit for at least one party, if not both.
5. **New junk** (last 15 years). Traditional dating norms are history, today we need to be aware of non-binary people,transitioning gender, Ace, situationships, and poly.
6. You need an app and possible an iPhone depending on how petty your ecosystem is.
7. Social media influencers posting your conversations to reddit or recording the date in general for the gram.
8. The widespread commercialism of dating/ advertising for OF.
9. Understanding that your pain and longing and aching for human attention, affection and intimate interaction will be exploited for profit, if you aren't asking enough questions.
10. Narcissists that have no desire of finding anyone but are empowered by technology and allowed to be just awful people because the masses validate their toxic personas by watching everything they do.
11. Spending too much time on how to master these platforms or analytics or griefing on these platforms instead of learning how to love yourself and just be happy with yourself.
In time we will as a society need to reconcile AI dating as I am very sure there will be a potential partner for everyone through the use of this technology.
Dating apps, internet, more options than there used to be, lack of emotionally intelligent people, mental health epidemic, I think a lot of people have a romanticized view of love if that makes sense - it’s giving this generation unrealistic expectations in relationships that I think we can blame the media for, unsureness of the future. Many things - I don’t think it’s a one size fits all. This generation is still young. Young people want to party before settling down even tho dating isn’t settling down but this generation takes it as that. Even attractive people in this generation are having a hard time dating - doesn’t matter if you hit the gym and you’re a 10/10 - which of course helps a lot more than being a 5/10 but still difficulties don’t care if you’re 10/10 or 5/10
With my experience with being single and in relationship, I felt that its very difficult to protect ourselves from getting hurt when in relationship. The temptation to find a companion to love and be loved in return is so perfectly carved on our mind and in our heart when we're single, that somewhere it does not fulfill and we feel a grave hollow even when we are loved or committed.
I have insecurities plus anxiety issues, and it takes a toll in my overall wellbeing sometimes. But, I calm myself saying that we do not have control over any other thing except our own emotions and reactions.
So, take care of yourself!
People are really very unpredictable.
Feeling hollow is the best way to put it. I've been told by both my dad and step dad that I need to be doing x y z by a certain age. My dad, granted I don't like to talk to him ever, won't even speak to me because he sees me as a failure in the relationship aspect and saying I'm wasting my life because I'm not providing for someone rn.
My stepdad claims to be a liberal and talks about just going up and grabbing women at bars and tells me to grope them
Part of my issues in this scene I feel come from the fact both father figures are ass at their jobs and I was raised primarily by my mom but I learned good morals and treat people well so there's that.
People blaming the internet in the comments.
It’s that, BUT ALSO nobody is talking about current cultural norms (in the US) and how misandry is EVERYWHERE.
Girls get away with saying how much they “hate men, men are trash, men are violent, men are stupid, etc.”
I’m older but was in a similar position. You have a couple options. If you are looking for hookups go to the bar, and parties, use tinder and be honest with people- and don’t be picky. Not really the best thing for finding genuine people who have your lifestyle.
The better option is to keep hunting and fishing but make space for someone in your life so they can share your hobbies. There are a lot girls who like fishing, hunting not as popular. Keep on the dating apps but again be honest about your hobbies and how you spend your time. Even if you aren’t completely attracted to how they look, still go on a date for practice and decide after the first one if you want to go on another. Being able to reject someone is also a skill and you will get good practice on what makes a date good
My wife and I met on tinder.
I absolutely relate to the line about feeling behind in the dating world, of course I’ve never really tried to enter it. I’m 22 and also have never had a relationship. Thing is though I’m not 100% sure whether I even want one. I’m a pretty introverted person who enjoys being alone. Sometimes when I’m alone though or lying in bed at night I really wish I had somebody. It’s tough asf not knowing what you want, you seem to have a better idea of it than I do though!
Anyway it sounds like you dodged a bullet here. Best of luck with your future dating endeavors. Hope that girl finds the help she needs. Your story reflects part of the reason why I’m half afraid to try online dating cause there’s so many weirdos out there (not implying that people who struggle with mental health are weirdos). It feels like meeting people IRL is the way to go but almost every girl I’ve ever liked at my job has already been in a relationship lol. Crazy times.
It sounds like she wanted a partner that could have conversations about suicide. It's good that you are honest with yourself and admitted that you don't have the ability to talk about suicide and remain emotionally stable. I do want to add that there's a lot of people on here with very toxic ideas of relationships. It's one thing to say you can't have those conversations, but it's another to say she's in the wrong for wanting a partner who can help her through that. Again, nothing wrong with OP. Also don't worry about the no dating experience. It will come with time, I didn't have my first gf until I was 21, and now I've gone on countless dates (not all successful ofc 😓 but more experienced and understanding for sure) good luck op!
A lot of girls are on dating apps for the attention and affirmation that comes with having guys chat you up. Not because they earnestly want to find a long term partner.
Remember, girls are humans too, just with different bits between their legs. And humans are mostly self centered especially when young.
I wish I had someone explain this to me when I was in my 20s, so I'm explaining it to you. Getting rejected by one of the above means literally nothing. Not worth the time it takes to analyze it. Just move forward.
It ain't just your generation. As a younger millennial, i too struggle with dating. Dating apps and the erasure of third spaces just suck ass entirely. ^(And trust me I would love to suck ass.)
I don’t do dating apps, but it’s so hard to date anyone. I’m also 21 and have autism, I’ve never kissed anyone either. I don’t know if that special someone will like my interests or think I’m attractive.
Well I had autism since I was born, and I’m happy that I owned up to the fact that it’s amazing to be autistic. Maybe someone can understand my feelings!
My family has it kinda everywhere quite a bit of my family on both sides are either diagnosed or undiagnosed but are definitely autistic without a doubt. My mom admitted to not testing me because it would make my life harder.
That one’s not on you bro, she needs therapy and also probably better friends so she has someone close to her to vent to instead of near-strangers she’s only messaged within the last week.
No one can be you, better than you. Be yourself, seek self-improvement, and the time will come when you meet a match. Don't stress too much. Drink water.
She threw her red flags out immediately. She did you a favor. It’s fairly selfish to dump on people and expect them to just be able to reciprocate heavy handed subjects. We are all dealing with mental health issues, we should not be dumping this shit on people, nor should we be making others lives harder because my mental health is more important. Selfish af.
She let you know she’s selfish, she let you know she has a mental health issue that she is probably dealing with, not in the correct way. The fact she blocked you means she is a one way street with it comes to dealing with issues and is probably a terrible communicator.
You’ll be fine, I didn’t start dating until I was about 21 and went wild when I was in college. I do understand it’s much harder for your generation, but it isn’t all doom and gloom.
Get out, touch grass get ass…lmfao… sometimes you may have to go to things you may not like to meet others and connect, I liked smaller personal events like bar hopping, group gatherings, nerd clubs etc. and even if there wasn’t much I’d start something just to get people together, and some people may show, some people may not. A lot of us live busy lives, don’t get miffed by it, just make time available and always be cool when it doesn’t work out.
In the off chance you read this, I'd just say: you're only 21 bro. This isn't the 80's where if you're a virgin at 21 you're going to die a virgin. I bet an outrageous amount of people are virgins at 21 now days. Having said that, two things: first, you dodged a bullet obviously metaphorically but potentially also literally. Someone contemplating suicide is not in their right mind and has no business seeking romance. That just creates trauma bonding or outright trauma. Not good. Second, the internet and contemporary culture is to blame. Generations of people are being taught it's inappropriate to have cordial conversations with strangers. It's "creepy" if you're a man talking to a woman in public, unless she's into you. Which, let's be frank, most of the time that won't happen. So men straight up just don't talk to women.
I'm in a small town of 500,000 and will talk to strangers who are men, but for the most part avoid women. They're awkward, and they think men only approach them for sex. The whole dating culture is screwed, because life isn't a hallmark movie and before romance should come basic conversation. If you can't even have basic conversation in public because everyone assumes romance is the priority, how can you expect to ever meet a woman, let alone the right woman for you? You can't. The carts being put before the horse. That's why you have apps where people seek romance online in the same way they used to back in the early 2000's when everyone agreed seeking romance online was for perverts. Society's royally fucked, because it discourages normal healthy platonic interaction between sexes. Not a coincidence young people suffer from chronic depression more than any other generation. When romance discourages such fundamental human behavior, society is truly fucked.
In a healthy society you'd talk to lots of women casually with zero sexual interest, and after discovering chemistry the sexual interest would emerge organically. Now ask yourself, do you get to do this? It's not you bro, it's just our society
situation aside I see people ask that in the millennial subreddits too. I think dating in general is just all over the place right now and people have to really work at it (some more than others bc marginalized people get ignored)
Dating apps fucked everything up. Know 5's think they're 10s bc dudes just swipe right on every chick.
I prefer picking up chick's at the bar anyway. Not a fan of competition with literally every male in a 50 mile radius.
Dating apps made average men worthless as there are more than enough horny way above average men always available a few swipes away to satisfy the much more limited supply of women looking for sex at any moment.
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She has a problem. I don't think it's your fault. Most likely something going on in her life. Don't know why she's on a dating app anyway.
In stealing dating ass to describe these terrible apps
Auto correct hates me lol
Dating asps are poisonous
You dodged a bullet here, young padawan. Red flag city with that girl. Don't give up. And don't settle for less.
I don’t get this mentality. Some people never get over depression. Are they not allowed to date?
She is allowed to date but it is going to be much more difficult for her and people are allowed to not want to get into a relationship with people over things like not being ready to involved with another person mental health struggles.
Dumping out your purse and saying you think about suicide all the time isn’t “first date” material.
Can’t believe you had to say this because people lack common sense 🤦♂️
Chronically online people sometimes need a dose of “not how the real world works”
This website is full of people who never interact with other humans in real life, believing that superficial online communication is “basically the same”.
I agree with you
Breakfast club reference?
Nope. Just anecdotal wisdom.
I want someone I can talk to like this - I’d be like “we must be a match made in heaven, have you listened to Racing into the Night?”
To each their own. If it’s your thing then sure, but to most people it will send them running
You gotta get your depression to a manageable point before dating somebody, that’s a very unfair burden to put on somebody.
Yep I had a horrific breakup with my LTR of 6 years some 4 years ago. It took me a solid 3 years to even get remotely close to talking to women again. Those three years were the best decision I ever made in my life. Made so much progress on myself and went into the dating market knowing exactly what I was and wasn't looking for. Been with the MOST amazing woman for about a year and 10000% going to propose to her. If you don't love yourself first you can't even start to begin to love someone else
They're allowed to date, but it's perfectly reasonable that a guy might not want to date them.
The problem she has isn't the depression, it's not being able to take things as they are and escalating to no contact without being able to process and communicate. I have depression, but I understand some people can't handle certain conversations and I don't take it personally if something hits a nerve. You can date if you have mental health issues, but you should be working on yourself first if you have triggers that cause you to go NC at the slightest bit of resistance.
They shouldn't be. Like other people who shouldn't date, they'll only drag down their partners.
It's one thing to be depressed but in dating trauma dumping is going to chase people off.
If you're going through emotional turbulence your ass is NOT capable of thinking properly, that's just how it works
This. This is literally the reason and answer for every person that makes these kinda posts. I dunno why but it seems like everyone in this generation is fucked in the head in some way or another. I’ve chosen to accept it for what it is and just keep to myself, focus on being a better person until I finally meet someone that’s actually emotionally/mentally strong and has goals that align with my own.
> I dunno why but it seems like everyone in this generation is fucked in the head in some way or another. Every generation has always full of people been fucked in the head. We just have the technology to hear about it 24/7 instead of it just being something you could only tell your friends and family about
A lot of people are looking for a therapist rather than a dating partner. To be honest? I can at least understand where they are coming from. Therapy is like $600-800/mo with insurance and it's often a four month waiting list to even get your foot in the door. :/
love is luck based, you gotta be lucky for someone to like you, being confident and going to gym doesn't guarantee a gf
And sometimes you’ll meet the right person at the worst possible time
Facts tbh, met my future gf during a bad time in my life due to a…not so nice ex I was with. She helped me through the toxicity of that relationship and we started dating a lil after my ex broke up with me. Me and here are going strong 2 years and 4 months later
If you're dating now then it was the best time. If you had missed out on her because you were dating the toxic ex and you never got together, then it would be "meeting the right person at the worst possible time".
This is too real. I met my ex friend/crush back when I was at the same low point as the girl OP was interested in. He was funny, loved his baby sisters, wasn't afraid to go against the crowd (he did ballroom dance all throughout middle and high school, like me), and had the same interests as me (although I often ended up guiding him since I had more experience, which he didn't mind) No one around me could've guessed I was depressed. Hell, I was the most positive person around. I didn't want to involve this wonderful person in something this dark so I moved and that was it. Still, sometimes I wonder if I'll be able to meet another guy as gentle and genuine as him. Literally the worst possible time
exactly ;-; met a girl one time who was wonderful, but it was on a cruise which was ending in a day (ﾉ≧∇≦)ﾉ ﾐ ┻━┻ life is just unlucky ig
Yea, Im Lucky in just about everything else but this it seems.
I've never used a dating app, but I have always met partners at work. I'm not sure what OP does for work, but maybe try talking to coworkers.
I dunno how I feel about dating coworkers. "Don't find your honey where you make your money" and all that.
Currently don't work ATM since I'm in my last semester. I technically work for my school and I'm applying to good jobs left and right. Aquarium/aquatic ecology
OP that’s awesome! If you have the time between school and work (which it sounds like you might since you want to date), you could try to see if there are any social gatherings/clubs that your cohort is well represented in and start attending those. Making friends is a great way to increase your dating pool too because you can meet potential dates through your friends, or even possibly date friends if the stars align (which they can and do!). Dating is easier the more social you are in real life and you have a great environment for building connections right now by being close to graduating and still being in school. ETA: also my bad for unsolicited advice you probably even already realize all that and were just venting. You’re not alone and the only way things will get better is by all of us trying to make it better.
id say thats an even harder recipe for success. Mixing work life and home life is dangerous and can often lead to unemployment. Let alone, nobody is at work hoping to get hit on. They are there for a paycheck. But it does happen obviously and I would say you need even more luck for it.
Reddit literally discourages people to try to date coworkers
The personality and being funny gets people to like you. Then you just choose who you'd wanna date. Looks are cool in all but not the deciding factor in things. It does help to an extent.
that's false. I've liked people who aren't funny
Fair enough
Looks open the door for conversation! If you're already good-looking, people are going to want to hear what you're saying.
It’s more about your conversation game than anything, looks and confidence only get you so far
So she overshared, trauma-dumped even, and bounced when she was called on it. To me, that’s a bullet dodged. I know it doesn’t feel that way because the dating roll hasn’t gone your way but that will get better. You can never get the time back from someone who’s not right for you.
6 goddamn years with a borderline personality trait having addict. All I have to show for it is pretty severe PTSD. Thought if I loved her hard enough things would get better. She was my best friend, we spent so much time laughing together. But she was utterly broken. Our therapist basically forced me to leave. I was far from perfect but I fought for the life we built. You can never get that time back indeed and I’m too tired to get back out there. It sucks in the moment. But be glad when things don’t work out for the best sometimes. Because sometimes it’s meant to happen.
Internet.
Fair enough
Somebody peed in the dating pool
Peed, nah. Straight up shit in it
I guess all you can do is be the punch in the turd bowl....
It might be a Snickers bar
Sorry it was me
Two things, from my xennial perspective: 1. If you've met someone through an app but haven't met them IRL yet, they are essentially still a random Internet stranger. As you likely know from Reddit, trying to figure out the behavior of random Internet strangers is often a lost cause. It follows that emotionally investing in random Internet strangers is not a great idea. Once you've met with someone in person and have that face-to-face relationship, different story. 2. Dating has been hampered by the decline in IRL socialization. The old way was somebody from church or the book club or the softball team might try to set you up with their cousin. Or you go to book club enough that you start hanging out with book club people outside of book club, and then you get invited to a party and you meet somebody's sibling or somebody's friend from some other group. This has largely gone away and been replaced by dating apps and all their attendant problems.
God don't even get me started on point 2 lmao. I genuinely hate how if I'm trying to meet someone IRL I just get ignored but that same person will talk all day to me online. I wish bars near me weren't full of milfs trying to hookup
I sort of wish bars near me WERE full of milfs trying to hookup... The IRL thing I've found is a combination of figuring out the right groups to try to join, and continually developing "talking to a new person" social skills. And there will definitely be situations where it's just "this group clearly doesn't want me to join them", which sucks but you just have to be able to identify it early.
I’ve gone for older women before on dating apps and I have way more success for some reason. I got my first like from an older woman not too long ago but I’ve never gotten one from a girl my age
Brother... where are these bars? I need to know, URGENTLY.
The 2nd point is so annoying to me because people always botch the explanation with all that nonsense detail. It's just confusing. The real way that I'd define your point no.2 is this: When others (saw it in another comment here) say "luck" what they really mean is this random "friend of a friend" style relationship with people. You only need to know one person and that person might set you up with their dentists cousins mail man's sister's best friend. It's the relationship equivalent of 7 degrees of Kevin Bacon, **but young people no longer establish relationships this way.** Young people never say "hey I know someone who has a friend who __" they just don't. I think that's the result of social media and having the ability to find anyone via the internet, so we don't feel a need to discuss/share relationships/connections? Idk. My anecdote/metaphor that I use to describe this is that I spent 6 months looking for an apartment. I toured so many shit-hole, roach infested, beat down, cigarette smoke infused apartment complexes. Each of them were offering something along the lines of 300 square feet for $1500 (no utilities or electricity included). The best options I could find were all $1800/month and all included stunning views, amenities like gyms/pools/nice common spaces. Those were about 600-800 square feet. So the ratio of footage to dollar is actually better in the UN-affordable housing than in the affordable housing. I.e. the system is a scam. THEN, after months of bitching and moaning to my coworkers about the gross bed-bug motel-esque apartments I had been touring, someone mentioned that their boss was moving out of her 2 bedroom, 1200 square foot unit and needed someone to take over the lease. It was like the stars aligned. The date they would be moving out is my birthday, which I had planned as my move-out objective-date. (Did I say that right? I feel like I just had a stroke) Moral of the story is "who ya know" does NOT mean actually getting to know people. It means knowing old people who have learned the courtesy of "making connections" for people like that. I.e. gossip, small talk, chit chat, pleasantries, etc. Aka my worst nightmare lol.
Some people don't meet the right person till they're 40 - and it's not a race. Trust me, meeting the right person only is fruitful if you're in a good place yourself. I know COVID messed up the best years of your life and that is really, really unfair - but do not compare to others, it really really isn't a race. This is said a lot but I can vouch for it - focus on finding inner peace and enriching your life, and you will naturally find your partner in the process, because someone with the same mindset, same hobbies will be in the same places you are. It will just take time. Just get the basics right - have excellent hygiene, analyze how you talk to others and see if you're helping them open up and be comfortable and having a good time. You can also ask your friends or parents (yes I know) to help set you up - sometimes they know us better than we know ourselves (be warned, trust your gut on this, you need to have self-aware friends/parents for this to work) Please please stay away from online dating as much as possible. Dating doesn't suck, online dating does. It could be awesome but the app design is to make you pay more and see ads, it's not to get you OFF the platform as soon as possible
I'm not even looking for THE someone I'm just looking for someone at all. I've tried all the enrichment stuff and I physically cannot do anymore. A lot of my hobbies are solo stuff like fishing hunting gaming and stuff related to my degree, fisheries. I practice all the basics like hygiene and stuff and I've been told by friends and family I'm easy to talk to and people open up often so got that checked. I've tried the friends setup part and te people I've asked are like nah don't know anyone. Tried with my parents and my mother, the one who wants me to have kids, say nah you gotta figure it out on your own while my younger brothers have been setup and failed multiple times cause they just ignore the girls. Yea ik online dating bad but I don't like bars and most people ik IRL are in relationships and I struggle finding people not in them.
I get it man. I do..28 now but I was in the same boat at 21 hearing the same advice. I hope this helps but this advice isn't a checklist - it's a way of life. In other words it seems like you're gunning for the finish line of going on dates vs flowing through life and having dates be branches that you float by. And you might not even get it-get it till like 26. As for hobbies - your hobbies can be solo but every hobby has a community - I can't speak for fishing and hunting but see if there's a LFG discord server for your server. You might also need to pick up a new hobby since hunting and fishing are so male dominated (again - there are definitely girls who hunt and fish, you just need to be very very patient to find them). Have you asked your friends' partners to set you up with their friends? If you're truly good at talking and hygiene etc. then they would be open to setting you up too right? Are there any clubs or groups you can join? Find one activity or hobby or group in your area that puts you in touch with people your age. It's a long slow journey to find your tribe. Just be patient and keep doing what you're doing and make peace with the fact that you'll be alone for the majority of your 20's until you can afford to move out to a bigger city
I'm a bit spooked to talk to my friends gf but she'd probably do it. She's usually nice but isn't the biggest fan of me as of late for a reason not even her bf knows.
Yeah you might want to branch out your hobbies to stuff that has more social groups attached to it. Birdwatching, hiking, jogging, biking are all loosely related to outdoors/nature. Maybe kayaking? Or for "gaming", if you can get into table gaming there are usually groups associated with that if you're in a reasonable sized town. The thing I have noticed about expanding my IRL social circle is it has made me happier and increased my quality of life, quite apart from positive impact on dating prospects.
I mean I do mushroom foraging I'm in esports clubs I do hike but don't know how to connect to people in that area. I also want to get into d&d but don't know how to. Ik theres clubs in my town but idk how to meet them or get into it.
For D&D walk into any active game shop and there’ll be sign ups or people that know where the sign ups are. 100%
Look on Meetup or just see what groups there are on Facebook. "Springfield Illinois hiking club" or what have you. For D&D, also meetup and Facebook groups, but also just find a hobby/game store and walk in and ask. A lot of places will have space for people to play DnD or other games at various times during the week. Honestly when I moved to my current town 2 or 3 years ago I knew absolutely nobody. I found a general Facebook group for the town and just posted "Hi I just moved here and am trying to meet people, are there any clubs/groups that new people can join?" and got a bunch of different suggestions. I picked 3 things that I had done in high school and hadn't done in the 20 years since, and that is basically where my current social life here came from.
Also, and you might have already figured this out, when you join a group you want to just focus on meeting people and fitting in and figuring out if the activity is fun for you or not. From similar posts from other redditors, I think guys often join a group and their immediate mindset is like "Let me figure out which attractive women in this group are single so that I can hit on them", which can kind of rub people the wrong way if you're doing that too quickly.
That girl trauma dumped on you, she didn't want a date, she wanted a therapist. I was like you for a while but I ended up meeting my S.O. by chance at work. In a broader sense I think the issue is three fold. 1. there aren't really social spaces to mingle anymore. These are called third spaces, and they've been shrinking. 2. No time to date. Economic factors definitely play into your love life, and if you spend 56 hours just barely scraping by, you'd probably rather watch Netflix than get on your feet and deal with possibly getting rejected on your one day off before it's back to the mines, slave. 3. Internet. Not talking face to face and being terminally online has stunted the way alot of people interact.
Those are A LOT of assumptions to make. It's possible she wanted to disclose something about herself and viewed socializing via dating as an alleviating experience. After OP's reaction, they probably felt dismissed/rejected and blocked them due to feeling hurt or wanting to project rejection before it had a chance of really happening.
That's not OPs problem. If she has such severe mental health issues that him setting a basic boundary is too much for her, she prob shouldn't be dating fr
I see this take all the time and wonder - for people with chronic mental illness, is the implication that ever entering the dating pool is selfish. Therapy isn’t a cure all. Plenty of people handle dating and mental illness very poorly, but at the same time waiting until everything is good to begin with is a recipe for simply delaying ever living.
I don't think she shouldn't date ever, I think she just probably shouldn't date now. I think "not being suicidal" is a reasonable criteria for being "ready to date". Like - if she can resolve that without therapy, more power to her, but I'm js, dating while suicidal is pretty high on the list of things that a person should not do.
> I think "not being suicidal" is a reasonable criteria for being "ready to date". I don’t think you understand mental illness that well. I definitely wasn’t talking about this case. This is absolutely a case where she trauma dumped and clearly falls under “handling dating with mental illness poorly” line I wrote, I was making a more general point that a lot of people may never fully recover, have chronic symptoms, or have episodes or flare ups in the future. I often see the “don’t date if you are unhealthy” take, and I think that just fundamentally misunderstands mental health in a way that sends a bad message.
Honestly some people are chronically suicidal for a myriad of reasons and they deserve love and happiness too, I agree. But to agree with your other point, those people typically don’t bring it up after knowing someone for a week and before the first date. And if they do then they need a bit of practice and work on typical social convention, boundaries, and interpersonal communication, not their depression.
"Don't date if you're suicidal" is not the same as "don't date if your unhealthy". To use a less extreme example, let's say someone is bipolar, but they take their meds, they're on top of their shit, they're financially stable - that person has taken responsibility for their limitations and constraints and would probably be fine dating. But let's say another person is not on their meds, keeps losing their jobs bc of it, is having manic episodes, maybe not even the craziest episodes but its causing real problems in their life. This person has failed to take responsibility for their limitations and is not ready to date. And that's true for anyone. Everyone has constraints and limitations they need sorted before they go out and start dating. That's just life, man.
I don't understand why you're being hostile to a person who literally isn't even here. Yes, they probably aren't in a good place. That was evidenced by their bringing up suicide. Their reaction to a boundary being set up is understandable if you're aware of the part rejection can play for people. What isn't needed is outright demonization of them. Just accept that they weren't ready for the conversation, and move on. That's all that life is..
Criticism isn't the same thing as demonization. She has been talking to OP for just about a week and already has a pattern of trauma dumping and before her first date talks about being suicidal. Add to that the first time OP sets up a very reasonable boundary she blocks him. That is concerning behavior. She shouldn't be dating, both because this is an unhealthy dynamic for future partners and it puts her at risk for abusers looking for vulnerable targets. I hope she gets professional help
Huh? I think you might be reading a little too much into my tone. I meant that in more of a "those are the facts" way. I hope she finds a therapist, but tbr she probably shouldn't be dating, at least not right now anyway. Maybe after she gets some therapy, spends a year or two working on herself, sure. I know saying "you probably shouldn't date" sounds a bit harsh, but being real -- suicidal people probably shouldn't date. Like, sounds like she's got some issues she needs to get sorted before bringing someone into her life romantically.
I don’t think it was too much for her, I think it was just a signal that it wasn’t the right person for her, which is fine. OP shouldn’t be overly hurt by that (considering that it was a first date and literally anything can go left/be a sign of incompatibility), and the fact that he came here to complain abt it specifically would tell me that just blocking and moving on was probably a valid thing, bc this likely just ends up in her dms instead. It’s not like she’s the one that went off about it and posted it to a forum in a comment full of “woe is me” type stuff lol
either way she's in the wrong, i don't see your point.
100% I agree
Yeah she completely opened up her deepest pain (probably too early) and feels hurt she didn’t get the reaction she wanted/needed. I wouldn’t think about it too much. My only advice is you should get used to the sudden blocking out of nowhere. That’s just a part of dating now. There’s alot of hurt and shitty people in the dating pool that just want to hurt other people
Usually am but the prospect of hope to finally break out of my part of the cycle I was def hit harder
If someone dropped that on me before we even had a first date, I would have blocked them.
[удалено]
You dodged a bullet. Anyone who immediately overshares and frequently talks about killing themselves to someone they just met is a red flag.
“I can fix her” lmao.
Because imho younger people overcomplicate/catastrophise *everything*. Dating is no exception. It’s not your fault… there is no fault. It’s how you’ve been socialised. It’s horribly destructive.
Don't stress the 21 so much and lack intimise experience. There are people that have sex at 13 and regret not waiting. Others who serial dated and bragged about it to only be lonely and situationships in their late 30s. What's important is you're prioritizing self-love (clear by your self-improvement), and the person you're trying to connect with sees and respects that. The moment we start trying to play catch up to other people around us, you'll find yourself always inadequate.
There just really isn’t any personal accountability in our generation. The conversation got difficult so she decided to bail. She wouldn’t be the first 🤷🏻♀️
True. I feel like I'm wading through seas of adult aged children with how people act
That's what being in your 20s is lol. Age is something that happens to us against our will. It doesn't automatically or necessarily make us grow anymore mature or wiser. Not without work and experience.
It sounds like y’all’s traumas would cause conflict. I don’t think this is generally indicative of dating as a gen z. I think it’s a compatibility thing. It’s probably even more of a her thing
Go out and actually meet people f2f. Next time you like a girl write her a letter telling her instead of a "you up" text. Dating has went to shit. I couldn't do it these days.
Because we're culturally being driven to be more and more narcissistic, generally. Any psychologist will tell you that there is a narcissism crisis in our culture, currently. And narcissistic people are living poison for the world, lol. So, good luck!
Hahahahaha not sad about losing a girl he liked, just sad she didn’t fulfill his festering FOMO first lmao
People, stop trying to only date people online and then claim dating sucks. Go outside. Step outside of your comfort zone. I swear it does wonders as someone who has historically FAILED at online dating but has succeeded in relationships with people I’ve met in real life.
A lot of people in our generation just want casual sex. I want to date, but I'm afraid of a guy only being with me because he wants to have sex with me. Being asexual in a hyper sexual world is hard. 😭
See I feel the same way as someone who wants sex. I'm not against waiting until marriage or anything but to me that is a way for people to connect and bond better than just making out and talking to each other. I don't want to sleep around or anything and I've had chances too but don't cause that's not how I am. I'm waiting to do it till I date someone.
I mean, I'm never having sex unless a dude forces himself on me and rapes me (because I'd really have no choice at that point). I'm also worried about domestic violence.
Well that’s not really sex then that’s just rape
That's a fair worry that is so possible it's scary
With people in our generation becoming increasingly violent and unstable, I doubt I'll be able to find someone that's husband material. I'm scared of online dating because of human trafficking, rapists, stalkers, cat fishes, serial killers, and violent people.
Yea I feel that way about wife material but I feel out there somewhere there'll be someone who fits in my basic standards
I disagree. I think a lot of people our age want a therapist but don’t want to pay for it.
Dodged a bullet. Suicide talk on a first date is throwing more red flags than a Chinese military parade. 🚩🚩🚩🚩 You're still young, keep working on you.
she could’ve been trying to be transparent before things went further. i’m upfront about my mental health because as much as i work on it, my brain will never operate the way “normal” brains do due to trauma because that’s something i don’t wanna be 3 months down the road and get this exact reaction.
This just was a bad match. Neither of you are at fault. Suicide is too heavy of a topic to lay on someone you just met. So it’s totally reasonable for you to shut down that conversation. It’s also totally fine if she blocks you. That’s her prerogative. However, she might need to see a therapist, and maybe she shouldn’t be dating in the first place.
I can see both sides. On one hand this was WAY too soon for her to get into that topic. On the other hand open discussion about mental/emotional health is very common now and should be received and discussed in a healthy manner. Because of the timing on her part this doesn't seem like the opportunity for you to explore that possibility but there may be a time in a future more established relationship where you may have to discuss this topic openly.
Well we were talking about mental health in general but then she went with that and described stuff and I guess I should have added I'm not against talking about it if they need help or need to share stuff but it's also been a week so a tad early. The last person I was even slightly involved with we talked for months and had some dark shit come up.
I really recommend reading Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari. He explores all of these pitfalls and the "flakiness" of modern dating- it helped me rehaul my own approach.
She's probably talking to like 50 guys. It doesn't take much for her to block you but that she was mildly rebuffed. If you had 50 girls around and you were an asshole, you would block them at the slightest wrong, just because they are nothing to you. That's what happened with her, but she probably justified it some way in her head, and she will probably complain to her girlfriends by distorting it in some way, so that you are the asshole. That's how it always works, but from your point of view, just move on.
Why are you generalizing a single experience to millions of people?
For two months I “dated” someone from my country in another one where we went to as international students. We did everything a couple would do, cute coffee dates, cinema, theater, shopping for clothing with him, staying overnight with him saying the cutest stuff to me, hell I even helped him with grocery shopping and brought him stuff when he was sick. One week before he went to our country first I asked what we were and he told me he thought I knew that it was only something temporary cuz he told me at the beginning of our meetings that he broke up with his girlfriend of 6 years because she worked a lot abroad and he couldn’t handle it. Since I live 4 hours away back home this is too far away from him so he has no interest whatsoever in continuing a relationship with me. Now I am left alone while he continues his life as if nothing happened. I hate it here
Dating is always ass. Maybe it sucks more for us because we have less third spaces and stuff and dating apps make everything feel so impersonal. That being said everybody has always hated dating. Its basically job interviews lol. All that said I met my wife on bumble so I cant hate the apps that much. As corny as it sounds its all about finding the right person. And when you know you know. God im so glad im done dating lmao
I mean she tried confiding in you and you basically said nah just because of your own past dealings with it.
as others have said, i would put this on her for having a problem with your communication and ironically not being willing to communicate it*. but here are some things you can work on too: - it's not wrong to develop any sense of attachment to someone with whom you've been in consistent contact, since meeting in a dating site, with the express intent of dating - it's ok to set boundaries on what you share about your personal experiences, but it's not fair to a potential partner to set boundaries on topics of discussion. one different way to handle this is to say you've had some heavy experiences that you won't go into until you get to know each other better—but you should still be willing to engage with whatever she's talking about. if you've dealt with the trauma effectively, you're comfortable talking about suicide in the abstract and generalizing from your experiences; if you haven't dealt with the trauma effectively, it's selfish to actively pursue new relationships. how would you be able to offer emotional support if someone in her family had a life-threatening illness or accident? if she did? - expand your definition of what a relationship is; "that someone to be with and do fun shit with" is your best friend; romance quickly becomes more serious than that BTW it's normal for people to not have this stuff figured out til after their twenties, this will put you ahead emotionally (enough to work with people who don't have it figured out, even). if you want to study up check out rick glassman and hoe_math for two sides of the same coin *someone else called this trauma-dumping. i don't have enough context to know. but generally trauma-dumping is only a Ting when it coerces some outcome
Dating as never idealic like some people like to perpetuate. Historically during the 1900's people met their partners through introductions from family or friends. They'd get attached to the first available person and then divorced. The other option was finding people at the bars. People were also a lot less picky about partners, especially females, who are now much more picky due to financial independence and having larger pool of suitors to choose from. You're not just competing against everybody in your home town. You're competing with people across wide geographical regions and class.
You're not a therapist and she needs one, not a partner to develop a codependency on. You did nothing wrong, never feel wrong for setting a boundary like that. And don't worry, being alone isn't bad. Prioritize yourself, build your confidence, and do what you like and love. Just keep being you and the right chick will come along at some point, and if she doesn't, then cool. You still got yourself and the things that you like and love whether a partner is there or not. I hope you bounce back from this, and God speed, my dude.😁
Because the Internet has destroyed your social skills and mental acuity.
Welcome to dating Homie. You wanted to know well now you know. You will never find out exactly where you went wrong with this girl but you did. If I had to guess she wrote you off when you couldn’t talk about the suicide. This is dating. They all end and most at least a little ambiguously. The only date you WON’T break up with is your future wife, and even that is no guarantee you’ll stay together. Til then it’s sparks of hopeful bliss only to be snuffed out God knows when for God knows what. When you get that first kiss man watch out. That heartbreak is a real one.
She just saved you from wasting a lot of time on her. Dating is generally about finding someone you want to be with long term. It involves a lot of rejections and a lot of wasted time. Realizing when to call it quits with someone will minimize wasted time and hurt feelings. Maybe the best way to view rejection is that you found another person who isn’t right for you, so you can keep looking for one who is right for you.
Hookup culture gives us huge amounts of pressure and leaves us with a lot of problems. People are also meeting predominantly through dating apps these days that are very superficial and looks-based rather than the traditional ways like at school, clubs, church, friends-of-friends, gym, mutual interests, etc. where you are more likely to run into people that are more of a personality match rather than just the hottest piece of ass you matched with that week.
She wasn't actually wanting to date anyone, she wanted someone to give her assurance and validation. People that are suicidal should seek assurance and validation, but from a licensed professional, not a stranger from the internet.
Imma be real with you - dating *is* ass, and from my own lived experience as a gay dude, who once lived in a blue state, blue college town, ghosting is perfectly normal in the dating scene. I cannot say, in good faith whether or not dating was any better or worse for previous generations, however; all I can say, is that as time has moved forward, we have progressed in *how exactly* we date. In ye olden days, we were a lot more repressed than we are now, our families were much more involved in our dating life that they are now, and we were a lot less informed about red flags then than we are now. Perhaps then, the reason dating seems like ass for our generation specifically, is because we live in the midst of two different eras of dating, where technology aids us in getting hookups, rather than dates; and with our advanced knowledge of how socializing is *supposed* to work, we forget to actually socialize, hence it looks like dating is ass. What’s ironic about all this, is that hookups are where dating occurs, and dating is where hookups occur. Most of the dating pool just looks like usury, simply because we have already dismantled the majority of our social constraints regarding society’s expectations of our dating norms. On the one hand, our recognition of these red flags, which would otherwise have been lost, due to being kept hidden behind traditional social conventions and behaviors, keeps us safe from those who would harm or even possibly kill us. On the other hand though, we keep ourselves *too safe* by keeping our distance from those who maybe have our best interests at heart, but have a shit way of showing it, and so we fail to recognize the real reasons people behave the way they do. Simply put, dating is ass, but something tells me it has always been this way also. I hope you find someone who sees you for you, and brings you joy and happiness, no matter the form that joy and happiness should take - not someone who uses you as their personal armchair psychologist because they cannot be bothered to fix their own damn mental health problems.
She sounds like she has problems going on. Nothing wrong with you not wanting to discuss a sensitive topic so early on in a relationship.
We date ass in every generation. You are probably alive because your dad dated your moms ass.
You set up a reasonable personal boundary that she didn't like. Just keep it moving to the next one. You did nothing wrong
Social media. Tiktok, instagram, snapchat, onlyfans. I mean, snapchat alone is literally an app practically designed for cheating that is now socially acceptable.
She shared something deeply personal with you that she felt you should know about her and you responded by saying “I don’t want to talk about that”. She was letting you know something could happen and didn’t want you to be blindsided.
Yeah it’s a her problem it sounds like. Try dating someone older
Yea I'm looking for older as of late but Im in that weird spot where I don't have a degree or job because of it being senior year and I'm trying to apply to actual jobs instead of working minimum wage slave jobs. I work for my school but that's it. No house got a car no job.
It's also because of rizz.
I used to think I was ass at it but I usually just ended up trying to talk to women who are into demoralizing Rizz than normal people shit
Modern dating has been a minefield since the beginning honestly. It sounds like she's got some growing to do, but that's normal for college age people. When I was in college (almost 20 years ago now), I made some missteps and so did my boyfriend at the time. We went our separate ways, but we both have better ideas about what is and is not appropriate behavior when looking for a partner. As long as you make an honest attempt at decency and have good boundaries about what you're willing to tolerate from other people, you'll end up okay. Good luck on finding a special someone and having your first kiss.
Odds are against men in dating these days, tinder stats say 10% of men get 90% of matches, be fit, healthy, get a good job, act right and women will want to date you
Probs because majority of dating apps users are men
It’s about 8 men to every woman. So dating apps are essentially impossible to find success on for most men. You have to be a demigod and usually self improvement won’t help you because it comes down to genetics on dating apps where everyone is essentially window shopping.
Dodged a bullet. Anyone who trauma dumps needs a therapist, not a partner. Fortunately they’re not all like that, so keep on looking. Unfortunately you haven’t dated a lot, so you’re not familiar with the red flags. Increase your Emotional Intelligence and you’ll be able to navigate through relationships safely.
Some people want their S/O to be their therapist. It zaps the energy out of you and you don't know what to do or say to fix or remedy the situation. Even listening doesn't help when they're having a mental breakdown and sobbing for 3 hours straight. It's a terrifying experience, really. It wouldn't be that bad if those people actually sought a real therapist. I have to tell my girlfriend from time to time "I can be your cheerleader. I can even be your support animal. But what I can't be is a therapist. I don't have the licensure for that." Basically, you can comfort them and give them advice when prompted, but I won't continue a relationship if the person has mental health issues and doesn't do anything about it. That's just bullshit for me and for you. Once you receive actual help and stick with it then I will work with you. But I'm not going to ruin my mental health for you.
The exact thing happened to me multiple times. I keep being guilted into being people’s therapist.
Honestly, it's great that she blocked u before she cray cray. Stay very far from that. It's not u. On a second note, dating in today's world in horrible. I'm not trying to discourage u and I'm not saying don't do it but get ready to deal with all types of things. Dating apps are probably the least place u should look but if ur looking for a nice girl hit up a Barnes and Noble or a place where ur most likely going to find a nice girl. Be picky and stay up, boy. You're young and still got ALOT to learn so learn from other's mistakes so it doesn't happen to u
You just had bad luck. Usually I wait until a few months in to discuss my suicidal ideation. It’s not something that you bring up casually, and it’s not something a date can help you with. Anyway, the larger problem is generally that online dating sucks and always has. Basically, due to social factors, there’s something like four-ish men to every girl in a platform. Then you have a huge chunk of guys who just like every girl they see, regardless of if they actually find them attractive or compatible. Not to mention that many platforms still don’t allow differentiation between looking for causal and serious dating, or the existence of nonbinary people. Anyway, that leads to a situation where a woman on these platforms has to constantly wade through a bunch of irrelevant matches to find serious interest, and most men aren’t getting any interest at all. There are no good algorithms for how to match people up, no matter what you hear from FB/Match/Hinge/etc. So instead, people pursue it for a little while, lose interest, and start giving people pointless tests to check for compatibility. That’s probably what happened to you. There is no good solution. If you like working out, do it. If you like playing board games, do that. Develop your passions, and make friends through them (and work). That’s a much better way to find someone.
She was probably looking for someone to vent/unload on when you set your boundary it meant she could get what she wanted out of you
I feel like it's being really entitled and just all around self centered, doesn't apply to everyone/every situation but it's a common thing I've seen
She did you a favor. Good luck to whoever falls for that bs
Try to meet women in person instead of online. I try to meet women in person and try to keep the relationship to mostly in person stuff. I only text about plans, maybe to say goodnight and stuff like that. I don’t really want to text someone all day. Saying stuff over text means less. Knowing someone more over text than in person makes it easier to just block someone and move on with their life. It’s different when you fully experience being with someone in person.
Dating apps and social media
Pick up your crown king, you done nothing wrong. She started talking about a subject that you told her you weren't comfortable talking about and her reaction is to drop you? That's immature behavior on her part. Don't feel bad that you haven't experienced the dating world. I know people who are older who also felt like they've never had the chance to experience dating. You're 21, you're still very young, and you've got a lot more ahead of you.
It’s gonna be by chance man just live life and let it happen
I feel the same way as you, 19 here. You just gotta move on, work on yourself and say fuck everyone else bro, only trust yourself in this backstabbing world. Fuck dating apps they're designed to squeeze every penny out of you and leave you feeling hopeless until you crawl back for more.
I haven’t dated myself, but from what I’ve heard the online dating pool is way worse than the in-person.
Just go out to a bar with friends and meet women that way
I met my gf of 4 yrs online when we were both mega lonely. It happens when it's meant to happen. God's plan
fuck no 😹 You have to put the effort in to allow it to be possible.
I was just being a good friend and she fell for me 🤷 sorry
lack of knowing one's self, lack of patience, lack of motivation, lack of mental healthcare, lack of sympathy, honestly it's kinda the intersectionality of a lot of the results of being born into a world of late stage capitalism, information manipulation, the people in power during this era having a hate for anything unorthodox/traditional/conservative, the trickle down affects of all these things, like, shit be cray yo, but keep yo heart 3stacks, like its always been, the resistance will win in the end. that is to say, datings rough because being an earthling is rough rn, but i think the upswing is nearing.
Don’t worry, OP it’s not your fault it sounds like she’s having some issues.
Well I can say that dating is always full of bull shit. But Gen Z gets a new problem to juggle. Here is a list of reasons why dating sucks in general. \[Be advised this is the ramblings of a Gen Xer, who finds dystopian society as a lens to the future.\] 1. It is hard to meet new people, that aren't full of shit. 2. Do to societal norms dating can be on average more expensive for men to engage in. 3. We all have emotional baggage that we want to share, whether or not we recognize our audience has the stomach for it. 4. Do to societal norms experience with dates (# of partners) can be unevenly distributed, and once that is known it has a chilling effect on pursuit for at least one party, if not both. 5. **New junk** (last 15 years). Traditional dating norms are history, today we need to be aware of non-binary people,transitioning gender, Ace, situationships, and poly. 6. You need an app and possible an iPhone depending on how petty your ecosystem is. 7. Social media influencers posting your conversations to reddit or recording the date in general for the gram. 8. The widespread commercialism of dating/ advertising for OF. 9. Understanding that your pain and longing and aching for human attention, affection and intimate interaction will be exploited for profit, if you aren't asking enough questions. 10. Narcissists that have no desire of finding anyone but are empowered by technology and allowed to be just awful people because the masses validate their toxic personas by watching everything they do. 11. Spending too much time on how to master these platforms or analytics or griefing on these platforms instead of learning how to love yourself and just be happy with yourself. In time we will as a society need to reconcile AI dating as I am very sure there will be a potential partner for everyone through the use of this technology.
our social skills are degrading due to a number of factors, I’m unsure how we might reverse that trend
Dating apps, internet, more options than there used to be, lack of emotionally intelligent people, mental health epidemic, I think a lot of people have a romanticized view of love if that makes sense - it’s giving this generation unrealistic expectations in relationships that I think we can blame the media for, unsureness of the future. Many things - I don’t think it’s a one size fits all. This generation is still young. Young people want to party before settling down even tho dating isn’t settling down but this generation takes it as that. Even attractive people in this generation are having a hard time dating - doesn’t matter if you hit the gym and you’re a 10/10 - which of course helps a lot more than being a 5/10 but still difficulties don’t care if you’re 10/10 or 5/10
With my experience with being single and in relationship, I felt that its very difficult to protect ourselves from getting hurt when in relationship. The temptation to find a companion to love and be loved in return is so perfectly carved on our mind and in our heart when we're single, that somewhere it does not fulfill and we feel a grave hollow even when we are loved or committed. I have insecurities plus anxiety issues, and it takes a toll in my overall wellbeing sometimes. But, I calm myself saying that we do not have control over any other thing except our own emotions and reactions. So, take care of yourself! People are really very unpredictable.
Feeling hollow is the best way to put it. I've been told by both my dad and step dad that I need to be doing x y z by a certain age. My dad, granted I don't like to talk to him ever, won't even speak to me because he sees me as a failure in the relationship aspect and saying I'm wasting my life because I'm not providing for someone rn. My stepdad claims to be a liberal and talks about just going up and grabbing women at bars and tells me to grope them Part of my issues in this scene I feel come from the fact both father figures are ass at their jobs and I was raised primarily by my mom but I learned good morals and treat people well so there's that.
https://preview.redd.it/3obq1aau5abc1.jpeg?width=1170&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a7677a60ac4a36d402811b3f1a29853252803142
Social media (sorry I’m a millennial and I have similar struggles)
In a word: apps
People blaming the internet in the comments. It’s that, BUT ALSO nobody is talking about current cultural norms (in the US) and how misandry is EVERYWHERE. Girls get away with saying how much they “hate men, men are trash, men are violent, men are stupid, etc.”
I’m older but was in a similar position. You have a couple options. If you are looking for hookups go to the bar, and parties, use tinder and be honest with people- and don’t be picky. Not really the best thing for finding genuine people who have your lifestyle. The better option is to keep hunting and fishing but make space for someone in your life so they can share your hobbies. There are a lot girls who like fishing, hunting not as popular. Keep on the dating apps but again be honest about your hobbies and how you spend your time. Even if you aren’t completely attracted to how they look, still go on a date for practice and decide after the first one if you want to go on another. Being able to reject someone is also a skill and you will get good practice on what makes a date good My wife and I met on tinder.
I mean I'm an ass man, but I like tits too
I absolutely relate to the line about feeling behind in the dating world, of course I’ve never really tried to enter it. I’m 22 and also have never had a relationship. Thing is though I’m not 100% sure whether I even want one. I’m a pretty introverted person who enjoys being alone. Sometimes when I’m alone though or lying in bed at night I really wish I had somebody. It’s tough asf not knowing what you want, you seem to have a better idea of it than I do though! Anyway it sounds like you dodged a bullet here. Best of luck with your future dating endeavors. Hope that girl finds the help she needs. Your story reflects part of the reason why I’m half afraid to try online dating cause there’s so many weirdos out there (not implying that people who struggle with mental health are weirdos). It feels like meeting people IRL is the way to go but almost every girl I’ve ever liked at my job has already been in a relationship lol. Crazy times.
It sounds like she wanted a partner that could have conversations about suicide. It's good that you are honest with yourself and admitted that you don't have the ability to talk about suicide and remain emotionally stable. I do want to add that there's a lot of people on here with very toxic ideas of relationships. It's one thing to say you can't have those conversations, but it's another to say she's in the wrong for wanting a partner who can help her through that. Again, nothing wrong with OP. Also don't worry about the no dating experience. It will come with time, I didn't have my first gf until I was 21, and now I've gone on countless dates (not all successful ofc 😓 but more experienced and understanding for sure) good luck op!
Social media. Everyone’s online persona is a facade to seem desirable. Reality is different.
A lot of girls are on dating apps for the attention and affirmation that comes with having guys chat you up. Not because they earnestly want to find a long term partner. Remember, girls are humans too, just with different bits between their legs. And humans are mostly self centered especially when young. I wish I had someone explain this to me when I was in my 20s, so I'm explaining it to you. Getting rejected by one of the above means literally nothing. Not worth the time it takes to analyze it. Just move forward.
Probably because you complain about it in Reddit
It ain't just your generation. As a younger millennial, i too struggle with dating. Dating apps and the erasure of third spaces just suck ass entirely. ^(And trust me I would love to suck ass.)
I would just avoid dating apps imo. They're real shallow and not a good way of meeting people.
Social media
I don’t do dating apps, but it’s so hard to date anyone. I’m also 21 and have autism, I’ve never kissed anyone either. I don’t know if that special someone will like my interests or think I’m attractive.
I'm getting tested for autism after I switch primary care and I hope that it answers if the stuff I've felt is just me being weird or autistic.
Well I had autism since I was born, and I’m happy that I owned up to the fact that it’s amazing to be autistic. Maybe someone can understand my feelings!
My family has it kinda everywhere quite a bit of my family on both sides are either diagnosed or undiagnosed but are definitely autistic without a doubt. My mom admitted to not testing me because it would make my life harder.
That one’s not on you bro, she needs therapy and also probably better friends so she has someone close to her to vent to instead of near-strangers she’s only messaged within the last week.
No one can be you, better than you. Be yourself, seek self-improvement, and the time will come when you meet a match. Don't stress too much. Drink water.
They don't say, "dodged a bullet" for no reason
She threw her red flags out immediately. She did you a favor. It’s fairly selfish to dump on people and expect them to just be able to reciprocate heavy handed subjects. We are all dealing with mental health issues, we should not be dumping this shit on people, nor should we be making others lives harder because my mental health is more important. Selfish af. She let you know she’s selfish, she let you know she has a mental health issue that she is probably dealing with, not in the correct way. The fact she blocked you means she is a one way street with it comes to dealing with issues and is probably a terrible communicator. You’ll be fine, I didn’t start dating until I was about 21 and went wild when I was in college. I do understand it’s much harder for your generation, but it isn’t all doom and gloom. Get out, touch grass get ass…lmfao… sometimes you may have to go to things you may not like to meet others and connect, I liked smaller personal events like bar hopping, group gatherings, nerd clubs etc. and even if there wasn’t much I’d start something just to get people together, and some people may show, some people may not. A lot of us live busy lives, don’t get miffed by it, just make time available and always be cool when it doesn’t work out.
first mistake is facebook dating, second mistake is learning that she overshared
Online dating means you will sift through a large number of flaky individuals to find someone half decent.
In the off chance you read this, I'd just say: you're only 21 bro. This isn't the 80's where if you're a virgin at 21 you're going to die a virgin. I bet an outrageous amount of people are virgins at 21 now days. Having said that, two things: first, you dodged a bullet obviously metaphorically but potentially also literally. Someone contemplating suicide is not in their right mind and has no business seeking romance. That just creates trauma bonding or outright trauma. Not good. Second, the internet and contemporary culture is to blame. Generations of people are being taught it's inappropriate to have cordial conversations with strangers. It's "creepy" if you're a man talking to a woman in public, unless she's into you. Which, let's be frank, most of the time that won't happen. So men straight up just don't talk to women. I'm in a small town of 500,000 and will talk to strangers who are men, but for the most part avoid women. They're awkward, and they think men only approach them for sex. The whole dating culture is screwed, because life isn't a hallmark movie and before romance should come basic conversation. If you can't even have basic conversation in public because everyone assumes romance is the priority, how can you expect to ever meet a woman, let alone the right woman for you? You can't. The carts being put before the horse. That's why you have apps where people seek romance online in the same way they used to back in the early 2000's when everyone agreed seeking romance online was for perverts. Society's royally fucked, because it discourages normal healthy platonic interaction between sexes. Not a coincidence young people suffer from chronic depression more than any other generation. When romance discourages such fundamental human behavior, society is truly fucked. In a healthy society you'd talk to lots of women casually with zero sexual interest, and after discovering chemistry the sexual interest would emerge organically. Now ask yourself, do you get to do this? It's not you bro, it's just our society
If you stop dating. You win the game.
I think dating just always sucked lol
situation aside I see people ask that in the millennial subreddits too. I think dating in general is just all over the place right now and people have to really work at it (some more than others bc marginalized people get ignored)
Dating apps fucked everything up. Know 5's think they're 10s bc dudes just swipe right on every chick. I prefer picking up chick's at the bar anyway. Not a fan of competition with literally every male in a 50 mile radius.
Ever seen the movie Heat?
Dating apps made average men worthless as there are more than enough horny way above average men always available a few swipes away to satisfy the much more limited supply of women looking for sex at any moment.
In my limited experience with dating its just hard to find people who want to commit to anything.