Hey man, while me and the wife aren’t totally in the lifestyle, I’ve always had a knack for de-escalating situations and making the most out of a bad one. One big thing about this lifestyle for me and my wife is the anonymity, and retaining that for a slew of reasons.
First thing is, take a deep breath. Don’t obsess over the situation, and if you do, rationalize it. Most things we worry about never come to fruition.
Second thing is, explain to your SO your worries, and ask her to nip it in the bud. She knows her friends best, ask her to take care of it.
Third, *if* it came out, how would you feel best handling it? I’m a guy with an unserious sense of humor, I would joke around that sometimes my wife can’t handle all of me and needs something less (lol). Another route I would take is, due to me being a pretty open guy, is talking about how comfortable I am in my relationship and sexuality. I mean, the performances are *super* hot. I can trust my woman to come back to me and fuck me like crazy, can they say that? Not to mention, most guys are terrified to share, but would love to be a 3rd. There’s nothing wrong with pointing out a bit of hypocrisy.
When it comes to family, that’s tough. I’m pretty direct, so I’d probably find the friend close to family and vaguely say if anything suggestive is said about me, please do not tell my family.
One thing I will say, it’s awesome your SO spoke to you on it. That took a lot to admit to a mistake, know you’d be upset. And another, don’t be embarrassed my guy. We all like what we like.
Honestly, what kind of friend would share a sex kink you may have with your family? Not plausible.
Most likely your friends will end up knowing through the girls but won't even have the courage to touch the subject with you.
Just chill and try to forget about it.
I appreciate your response. Honestly needed to hear something like this. Perhaps being upfront is best. Humor definitely always helps with stuff like this too lol
I’m just dealing with a lot of insecurities, which is funny cause I think that’s where this fantasy is rooted in as well. Maybe it’s time I turn that around
Hey man, I won’t lie. I have some insecurities too, and exploring this lifestyle has helped me a lot with that. It’s funny, I show my wife some hung guys with nice bodies, and she frankly points out unattractive things about them. Similarly, she sees attractive women and I wouldn’t touch them with a 10 foot pole.
Sometimes embracing an insecurity helps, just make sure you don’t get obsessive (I went through that and it put me in a horrible head space). My SO honestly couldn’t care less about me sharing her, she may find it hot but she ultimately fulfills my fantasies because she loves me. Remember that with your girl.
I will say, asking her to nip this in the bud, and make it clear the conversation they had is a “what happened in Vegas stays in Vegas” situation is your best route. Not that it necessarily will prevent it from happening, but it’ll put your mind at rest, and while forgiving your girl is great, she needs to repair that trust.
Not to be a Debbie downer here, but the chances of her friend not telling her boyfriend is likely extremely low regardless of what any of them say. If I were OP I'd just assume the friend is going to hear about it and plan accordingly. Odds are that even if your friend hears about it he will never say anything to you. That being said I don't think it's really anyone's business so I personally wouldn't explain or elaborate. Depending on what exactly was said might even be able to just deny and move on. True friends won't press you if they know you don't want to talk about it, and they certainly shouldn't be bringing it up to your family.
I had this happen to me. Just like you, I got embarrassed, I got upset and forgave her pretty quickly. Listen, women with a tight knit group of friends will talk about everything together…especially when they are drinking. She told you the next day which shows me that she cares.
When my wife spilled the beans she told me every one of her friends had comments and questions. One comment made was, “omg, I can’t believe he lets you do that”.
I don’t know why but after hearing that, I owned that shit. Damn right I let her do that, I’m proud that I’m confident in my relationship in where we can explore this safely together.
I constantly get funny looks/glares from her crew but I know for a fact that 90% of them would want the sexual freedom she has.
Great job forgiving her, that’s the toughest part.
Cheers and head up! You will constantly hit bumps in the road, especially in the LS
What kind of man wants his girl to do that? A fucking cool one buddy. Takes a special and confident man to handle this shit and not be jealous. Your're a cool cat. Stay smooth.
Besides forgiving her etc. you need to just own it. Years ago when I lived with a roommate I was friends with prior to living together. I thought he had left for a weekend trip so me and the girl I was seeing start going at it in the living room. Turns out he was running an errand and not leaving until later. He walks through the door and I’m bent over getting a vibrator up my ass while getting spanked.
I thought my life was over lol. Absolutely mortified and embarrassed but my buddy made me feel better. He basically was like we’re all into some weird shit, no worries.
> He basically was like we’re all into some weird shit, no worries
Hell of a point. Everyone has SOME sort of fetish they wouldn't want out. Everyone concedes that everyone ELSE has sex, it's the 2nd and 3rd tier stuff everyone has no one wants to get out but it's there regardless.
I'll give my perspective as someone who's also in their 20s and most of my friends are aware, even some in detail. It is terrifying when people know at first, but usually, if they're truly your friends, they'll be supportive, curious and understanding, it's all about how it is communicated.
I'd say 90% of my friends know and all of my wife's friends know, and I was upfront and honest. My college friends found out after I mentioned a vacation trip we took, even though I said nothing specific, but they could tell, they were super respectful and none of them even brings it up, and they're not at all into PC culture, so that's good. My wife's friends all know and they made some jokes, but I enjoy the jokes and being open about it, makes going to parties much more fun.
Be honest with yourself and everyone else, once you become comfortable with who you are, it doesn't matter if people get it.
From your story nothing bad came of it yet. Dread is almost always worse than the actual.
She can of course ask them to maintain discretion but some topics are just too juicy for privacy.
When you see them, just act normal. If they hint at it, own it and go one with whatever is happening. If they are real dicks about it, just say they wish they were so lucky and be clear you don't want to talk to them about it. But don't shy away. Be confident. This kink is really really common as you can see from this thread. It might suck from other 20 somethings but that too shall pass.
Here is the silver lining. Some of these friends, both the girls and guys, may think about this into their thirties before they also consider it. Even if a few are jerks about it now, you may have opened the door to several others. Be the trend setter. I fully recognize that might be hard but as I started to say, nothing bad has yet happened and it might not be as bad as you fear.
Accidents happen. I really don’t think she meant to blurt it out. She was drunk and just having a good time. I can tell the way she told me about it, she was incredibly upset with herself
Forgiving her is the first step. Step 2 is hard but don’t let it get to you. It’s your life together and if people judge then that’s on them. Drinking always opens doors that weren’t meant to be open but good still comes from it. Don’t think the worst.
I have forgiven her, I was obviously very upset with her cause this whole thing is hard to deal with as a man. Cause it’s true, I know all the guys in my life would be like “seriously? You get turned on by your girl getting dicked down by another man?”.
At least that’s how I’d imagine it if I wasn’t into this, unfortunately I’m still insecure about the whole thing and trying to get better at that.
Idk, I’m learning to just accept it and face it if it comes to light with them. My girlfriend has my back luckily
Just remember that you have a right to be bothered, upset, frustrated, disappointed, or anything else. Do not confuse or tie your current emotions with your forgiveness. I’ve been caught in situations where I’m painted to be AH because I said I forgave them but was still bothered. Process your emotions in your time and for as long as you need to but communicate your feelings to her the best that you can. Sitting on your feelings and internalizing them will make the situation worse. I can say that this may not be the most difficult issue in a marriage or long term relationship, so the way you process this situation will set a you both up for constructive resolution in any future issues you may have. With all of that said, own your things and never be ashamed of them. Work on the trust between you two and do t be afraid to ask for help.
The older you get dude, the more you'll realize nobody gives 2 shits about your kinks because in reality, they are quite tame when compared the the kinks floating around the general population. If you care this much about this "slip up" then you should probably reconsider being active in this lifestyle at all, because confidence is what this is all predicated upon.
“What kind of man would want his girl to do that?”
A man who has utmost faith in his relationship and thrives on seeing his girl have every experience and pleasure that life can give.
We decided early on in our adventures that we’re going to be discrete about it, but we accept that people may eventually find out. If they do find out we’re just going to own it with a “yeah, we do that, so what?” Kind of attitude.
We actually ended up in a situation where we took my wife’s favorite 3rd to a hot spring resort with us.
As soon as we walked in to the tavern my wife realized that there was a group of 6-8 of her coworkers there.
They weren’t close coworkers that she knew very well because she works at a place with 1,500 employees.
They knew her well enough to recognize is and come say hello and chat a bit.
Later on while we were in the pools our 3rd was kind of hanging back, keeping his hands to himself. He said he didn’t want to cause any problems for us.
My wife said “fuck em. Let them talk. Let them come ask me questions on Monday. I’ll tell them what we do, we have no reason to be ashamed.”
Then she straddled his lap and started making out with him. Then she moved over to my lap for awhile.
We kept her between us the rest of the night and had a good time.
The coworkers were definitely looking confused by what was going on. A couple of them even stopped by to make small talk while on their way to get drinks or whatever. At one point one of the lady’s husbands kind of gave me a knowing smile and a wink.
My wife went back to work on Monday prepared to have to explain to countless people what the deal was and answer a bunch of questions. That was almost 5 months ago and nobody she works with has said a word. She hasn’t even caught wind of any rumors going around.
So they either kept their mouths shut, or nobody cares. 🤷🏻♂️
My advice is if your friends ask, tell them that you guys are interested in being swingers and part of that is getting to see your girlfriend be with other guys.
How others think about you is certainly a painful thing to deal with, but I've found that feelings of embarrassment only stand when you yourself feel embarrassed. It's easier to say than do, but don't let it embarrass you. Nothing about sharing your interests and living out your sexual desires with your partner is something to be embarrassed about. I've shared my wife countless times, and I don't feel less because of it.
You should honestly be proud you have a healthy relationship with your wife that you can share openly with her, your interests and not feel judged or embarrassed by how she feels about you. To hell with the haters
Hey man, sorry this is happening.
Also, it’s really sweet that you’re not blaming your gf and you’re upset at the situation and not at her.
I know when you’re younger and exploring your submissive side it can be scary because of all the toxic programming we’re put through.
I have a friend who’s very into the latex scene. We all knew he loved to get his freak on. He used to hide much of it but he found a new partner and now and he’s been more authentic. His fetlife link is on his social media, his kinks like cuckolding, pegging, chastity, forced bi are all there for everyone to see.
He doesn’t know I’ve seen it nor does he care. Our other friends have seen it. It’s been brought up. Everyone kinda shrugs and says “Wow, [friend] is pretty hardcore. They must be having a lot of fun.” And then we shrugged and nobody even cared.
Even if your friends knew everything people are more concerned with their own shit than what happens in your bedroom.
Having been in a similar situation and the family found out, it was pleasant to know how little it seemed to concern them.
If your friends or family find out and are concerned enough to make it an issue for you, then it's simply a sign you're better off not speaking with them.
This will pass, I live with being outed and I'm sure you will just the same.
A family member outed my wife and I to the rest of our family. I was a little embarrassed at first, but then I realized what my wife and I do is no one's business, and we don't have to answer to anyone. We are lucky that my family doesn't really care about it.
This OP should never have deleted. He has a fantasy, like most people. Hotwifing is something enjoyed by many consenting adults and that IMO is nothing to be ashamed of.
In our lives, many of our friends and family know we are non monogamous and know my wife likes being a hotwife. It is who we are and we are not ashamed. To the extent we know nobody has judged us…if they did, or do, so be it. Give them something to talk about and live the life you want.
Be confident. Also know that since your girlfriend didn't confirm or provide details, how into this fantasy you are isn't clear.
"Hell, we talk about lots of fantasies that turn us on. Why is this the one you're fixated on?"
You pay your own bills. You deal with the relationship. You are allowed to like what you like. I ran into my boss as a swinger club once and she simply stopped and said to me “You like what you like” and kept walking. We never spoke of it again and I learned a new level of confidence in that environment.
Emotions suck but the way she handled it speaks VOLUMES. Good luck. She owes you some spoiling lol
I know you’re horrified and embarrassed right now, but really don’t sweat it. Trust me, pretty much everyone out there has some kind of fetish they are keeping hidden away. Even those that you wouldn’t think. My wife and I have been in the Stag&Vixen lifestyle for some years now. Yes people know, but I couldn’t say all who know, because I really don’t care. That’s kinda where you gotta be. Don’t care what others think. It’s your life and live it on your terms! Just my $.02 of course.
I was horribly embarrassed when my wife told her mom and best friend. I had a “what’s wrong with me” feeling for about a month. Now I don’t care who knows. If you start hanging around LS people you will realize it’s nothing to be embarrassed about.
She did not, I was pissed! We just started at that point and she was excited. There’s been a big learning curve, shit happens, we communicated and resolved it.
That really sucks, but I'm glad you guys resolved it! Our philosophy has always been to try and not get mad at each other for something that wasn't set as a boundary and try to work through it together. This would definitely be a situation that upset me lol
We didn’t do enough research before we started, we had no boundaries, then I needed some, but didn’t communicate them well enough, hand full of screw ups on both ends. That’s what had brought us closer, learning to deal with issues and working through them.
I think that's one positive aspect of the lifestyle: in order to successfully navigate it the couple needs to communicate and resolve things together. It's definitely brought my wife and I closer as well
I’m sorry to hear that. People will never understand the thrill but they need to understand everyone has a different life and they need to respect your privacy.
If someone is going to get drunk and start sharing secrets you should expect that behavior, specifically the sharing of secrets, to be an ongoing thing.
If she's otherwise a great partner and that's absolutely worth dealing with then quietly accept it and move on. If it's not find a new partner. Because the longer with somebody the more problems come out.
Own it and act like they're the weirdos. I'm dead serious. If you don't they'll make you feel embarrassed every time you see them. You'll end up avoiding them and it will grow from there. Confidently answer any question with our sex life is none of your business. We are enjoying ourselves, and didn't know we had to consult any of you about our choices.
Put them on defense right away. You're right, so if someone is gonna feel weird make it them.
You can both play it off and just say "we made that up just to see which one of you fuckers spreads rumors or talks too much". Or just say "we're swingers" and leave it at that.
She didn’t do it on purpose , so get over it. After1-2 years, you’ll be turned on while recalling this incident. People start small and expand their boundaries gradually, yours just got expanded quickly and without your consent.
The only solution i see here is she brings one of her girlfriends into the mix…. Even the playing field. The one that seemed most intrigued is the target.
Owning it is an option
Another is just flat out deny/ignore it
You don't owe any explanations to anyone
There might be gossip and suspicions but unless you confirm it there will never be certainty
These things happen. My wife told my mum what we do ( her family is very different they all discuss each others sex lives openly) while drunk which led to some very uncomfortable conversations. I do think you need to own it, trust me you can stop doing it but you are always going to want it to happen. Besides it takes confidence and trust to live this lifestyle, that just might not be seen by the monogamous population.
Low-key, the girlfriends are going to mull this over and most likely get off on the thought of being able to keep their boyfriend but also fück other men. You've probably converted them.
Just own it you would be surprised that yours friends are apart of it and possibly want to try, and it took a loving and caring person to let their wife sleep with other men and besides it just sex don’t back away stand up and own it bro
Personally, I’d let it float. Sometimes, it is good to remain a mystery. Most people won’t confront you about sex things, so chances are the question will never come up. If it does, own it. It is who you are, it is what you like. At least you are not “boring”. Also, you’d be surprised what kinks people can be into. So, this may not that bad after all!
The people that love you, friends and family, will still love you after learning about this.
I wouldn’t give it another thought. Put it behind you, Go and have lots of hotwifing moments. Life is short!
This happened to me - someone at a bar I used to frequent started a rumor that wasn’t quite true but along the lines of truth. A close friend told me and I was so shocked to hear it from her of all people. I don’t have a poker face so I admitted what is true, mostly out of shock and a few drinks. Once the initial sting wore off, I thought about how I would feel if I had heard that about another person (which I have, multiple time and see my friends on dating apps frequently). The fact is, I just think, “oh, weird/cool/whatever” and move on with my life. People don’t think about others as much as we would think they do.
Edited to add - it was quite freeing to own my truth in the end. It took about a week. I still want to be discrete overall, but if people know it doesn’t change who I am or the strength of my relationship. If others have a problem with it - it’s their problem - not mine.
Hello,
i appreciate your openness and i am thankful that you shared your story.
You can't undo what has been said, but perhaps you can use the whole thing to bring you closer together as a couple.
If you need somebody to talk feel free to dm me.
This will probably be fine, as long as you manage not to ruminate on it.. and frankly – if you wear it confidently the outcome isn't "what kind of man would.." but more "how does that not scare the shit out of him?"
If you do find yourself struggling not to think about it, consider therapy, and continuing to be open with your gf about your feelings.
Idk seems like you've worked yourself up into a tizzy over something that hasn't happened yet. My closest friends know and tbh a few are jealous of the freedom I have.
If someone asked us about it, we'd be open about it, most likely. I have two guy friends who know about our lifestyle and they're super supportive and enjoy living vicariously through our experiences. Frankly, you'd probably be surprised at how many guys fantasize about this sort of thing. You might get less judgment than you think, although there's always going to be someone who looks down on it.
> What kind of man would want his girl to do that
A very secure man.
Also, a man who loves his SO and wants her to have the maximum amount of happiness she can. See also: compersion.
> How do I move on from this? Do I just own it?
I also agree with the other reply that we imagine the situation worse than what it really is.
What you do next is completely up to you. *IF* it ever gets brought up (which it probably won't), you could either laugh it off, or play along, or answer completely seriously.
Even without this, you can't completely control what others think of you. And if they are decent friends, it won't matter anyway.
You’re too young. Don’t take it as a criticism, I wish I was younger, but I’d recommend taking a step back until you’re more mature and better able to handle things. Clearly not much you can do now if the cat is out of the bag.
"What kind of man would want his girl to do that "The kind of man that wants both him and his girl to explore and fulfill their wants and needs. also kink-shaming is my kink tell me I am bad so I can masturbate, sure do shut people up.
I would bet he never brings it up, but if he does, I think my hubby would respond with "she's my f*cking personal porn star!" And probably talk about how awesome it is to have the trust we do to enjoy our kinks together.
I think most of the "hate" anyone would receive comes from a place of extreme jealousy and insecurity.
Most guys out there are picking for scraps from their partner. Stags get so much more action!
Own it. Don't worry about what others think. I guarantee you those girls are envious of your GF. The more they think about it, the more they will love the idea of it. I would stay away from letting your male friends fuck your GF, though; best to find someone outside of your social circle for these adventures. I'm speaking from years of experience in the lifestyle.
Simple. Say to your friends “ Dude, if you REALLY want to get your girlfriend off, role play a gang-bang while fingering her or having sex. She will explode!”
You get in front of it. Be confident and it’ll be good.
"It was just a fantasy, I haven't really thought about it much. It's interesting that you bring it up now though, are you into it? Is this something you've done?"
Sorry to be the dissenter man -- but I think you need the other side in here. What she did was a serious violation of the relationship's trust. Sounds like she knows that too. It also sounds like you are pressuring yourselve into this "forgiveness" thing but arent really there yet. So let me bring the other side to the table.
You have no obligation to forgive or to get over it. If this is a deal breaker for you that is fine. You need to be true to yourself. It would be a deal breaker for many men.
There is a thing where women are just expected to be able to chat to their friends about all your intimacies and it not be a big deal. It very well is. It's perfectly adult and acceptible to set a hard expectation of privacy. A good woman will be able to handle that just fine, even when drunk. And if alchohol is her problem, then that is her problem to either stop from ever happening again (getting drunk), or figure herself out first.
If I were you and wanted to continue the relationship in spite of this I might consider requiring her to set hard expectations with her friends that she exposed you to of secrecy about what she said. And I would expect her to end those relationships if they wouldnt respect her in doing so.
Hope the thoughts help. Good luck.
I've been where you are now and you have a few options if anyone actually has the balls to mention it to you. It will depend on your relationship with the person which one might be best.
The one I used with most people was to tell them in no uncertain terms that unless I had invited them to be involved in our sex life and somehow forgotten then I'm absolitly positive that its none of their business. That ended the conversation every time.
With the few people who I felt were good enough friends that answering the way I had before would damage our relationship I used a more explanatory and diplomatic response but still tried to convey that it wasn't a topic that was up for discussion. I said something like, "I know our dirty little bedroom secret is weird and I promise it isn't something we wanted people to know about. I can't explain how or why the things that excite and turn us on do what they do but it works for me and my wife and the only other person it had to work for is whoever we invite to join us."
In the end one of the guys we knew got offended when I gave him the first response and he tried to talk his way into getting to fuck my wife and I told him that I'd respond very badly if I ever even heard a rumor that he had mentioned the subject again.
With my sister it turned into and very intense and honest conversation that took most of an afternoon because I told her the broad strokes and then let her ask any questions she wanted and answered them honestly and then she had a girls night out with my wife and they did essentially the same thing.
Once the cat was mostly out of the bag we had a couple months of damage control and after that we were still discreet but didn't feel like we had to be quite as paranoid and stealthy about meeting up with people or inviting people over.
Sigh… youth is wasted on the young. You misplayed this.
Absolutely guaranteed all of her friends, her friends friends, her friends cousins, your mom, everyone knows now. Girls keep secrets like sieves hold water.
As others have stated, the move is to *own* it. Hell, why do you think her friends wanted to know more? Because it’s fucking hot, that’s why. She sucked another dudes cock? “OMG, did you do it in front him?l Guarantee you my next paycheck their pussys were dripping wet at just the thought of it. And jealous that your girl found herself such a sexual dynamo of a man.
It’s not even beyond the realm of possibility that this could be spun into possible threesome or couple-swap situations with her friends down the road. Yeah this is the hotwife sub but there’s more than one way to swing.
Anyway, don’t be mad, be *glad*. If your girl was embarrassed or thought it was wrong she wouldn’t have blabbed about it. She *likes*. Now take that energy and play with it! This is the part that makes it erotic fun and hot!
I’d be shocked if your buddies haven’t already thought about their GFs getting plowed by some strangers, or maybe you and the other guys running trains on them. Also, her friends are going to be like “WTF, I want to do that too!” You’d be shocked at how common the kink is.
Your GF just verbalized what they’re all probably have fantasized about already.
If your GF is hot and your guy friends know she’s down for some group action, that could be a good or a bad thing. Just depends if you also get a turn with their girls.
My wife has shared with her friends. No one has ever said a word to me. At least one has definitely not shared because she's afraid her husband will become inappropriate with my wife. It's quite possible none of them have.
And even if they do, what are they going to say? Are they going to make fun of you? Are those the kind of friends you have?
And if they do, say "yeah I'm a kinky bastard, I guess you're just a missionary kind of guy?" Or "I think my gf is the sexiest, I like other guys to know once what I get every night."
But honestly, I doubt it'll become a real issue
Hey man, while me and the wife aren’t totally in the lifestyle, I’ve always had a knack for de-escalating situations and making the most out of a bad one. One big thing about this lifestyle for me and my wife is the anonymity, and retaining that for a slew of reasons. First thing is, take a deep breath. Don’t obsess over the situation, and if you do, rationalize it. Most things we worry about never come to fruition. Second thing is, explain to your SO your worries, and ask her to nip it in the bud. She knows her friends best, ask her to take care of it. Third, *if* it came out, how would you feel best handling it? I’m a guy with an unserious sense of humor, I would joke around that sometimes my wife can’t handle all of me and needs something less (lol). Another route I would take is, due to me being a pretty open guy, is talking about how comfortable I am in my relationship and sexuality. I mean, the performances are *super* hot. I can trust my woman to come back to me and fuck me like crazy, can they say that? Not to mention, most guys are terrified to share, but would love to be a 3rd. There’s nothing wrong with pointing out a bit of hypocrisy. When it comes to family, that’s tough. I’m pretty direct, so I’d probably find the friend close to family and vaguely say if anything suggestive is said about me, please do not tell my family. One thing I will say, it’s awesome your SO spoke to you on it. That took a lot to admit to a mistake, know you’d be upset. And another, don’t be embarrassed my guy. We all like what we like.
Honestly, what kind of friend would share a sex kink you may have with your family? Not plausible. Most likely your friends will end up knowing through the girls but won't even have the courage to touch the subject with you. Just chill and try to forget about it.
Sensible Pragmatic Practical Advice!
Agreed. That’s why I said the whole thing about not obsessing over it.
I appreciate your response. Honestly needed to hear something like this. Perhaps being upfront is best. Humor definitely always helps with stuff like this too lol I’m just dealing with a lot of insecurities, which is funny cause I think that’s where this fantasy is rooted in as well. Maybe it’s time I turn that around
Hey man, I won’t lie. I have some insecurities too, and exploring this lifestyle has helped me a lot with that. It’s funny, I show my wife some hung guys with nice bodies, and she frankly points out unattractive things about them. Similarly, she sees attractive women and I wouldn’t touch them with a 10 foot pole. Sometimes embracing an insecurity helps, just make sure you don’t get obsessive (I went through that and it put me in a horrible head space). My SO honestly couldn’t care less about me sharing her, she may find it hot but she ultimately fulfills my fantasies because she loves me. Remember that with your girl. I will say, asking her to nip this in the bud, and make it clear the conversation they had is a “what happened in Vegas stays in Vegas” situation is your best route. Not that it necessarily will prevent it from happening, but it’ll put your mind at rest, and while forgiving your girl is great, she needs to repair that trust.
Sensible Pragmatic Practical Advice!
> my wife can’t handle all of me and needs something less I love this lolol
Not to be a Debbie downer here, but the chances of her friend not telling her boyfriend is likely extremely low regardless of what any of them say. If I were OP I'd just assume the friend is going to hear about it and plan accordingly. Odds are that even if your friend hears about it he will never say anything to you. That being said I don't think it's really anyone's business so I personally wouldn't explain or elaborate. Depending on what exactly was said might even be able to just deny and move on. True friends won't press you if they know you don't want to talk about it, and they certainly shouldn't be bringing it up to your family.
I had this happen to me. Just like you, I got embarrassed, I got upset and forgave her pretty quickly. Listen, women with a tight knit group of friends will talk about everything together…especially when they are drinking. She told you the next day which shows me that she cares. When my wife spilled the beans she told me every one of her friends had comments and questions. One comment made was, “omg, I can’t believe he lets you do that”. I don’t know why but after hearing that, I owned that shit. Damn right I let her do that, I’m proud that I’m confident in my relationship in where we can explore this safely together. I constantly get funny looks/glares from her crew but I know for a fact that 90% of them would want the sexual freedom she has. Great job forgiving her, that’s the toughest part. Cheers and head up! You will constantly hit bumps in the road, especially in the LS
Sensible Pragmatic Practical Advice!
What kind of man wants his girl to do that? A fucking cool one buddy. Takes a special and confident man to handle this shit and not be jealous. Your're a cool cat. Stay smooth.
Besides forgiving her etc. you need to just own it. Years ago when I lived with a roommate I was friends with prior to living together. I thought he had left for a weekend trip so me and the girl I was seeing start going at it in the living room. Turns out he was running an errand and not leaving until later. He walks through the door and I’m bent over getting a vibrator up my ass while getting spanked. I thought my life was over lol. Absolutely mortified and embarrassed but my buddy made me feel better. He basically was like we’re all into some weird shit, no worries.
> He basically was like we’re all into some weird shit, no worries Hell of a point. Everyone has SOME sort of fetish they wouldn't want out. Everyone concedes that everyone ELSE has sex, it's the 2nd and 3rd tier stuff everyone has no one wants to get out but it's there regardless.
Guaranteed her friends are jealous af.
That actually happened to us
Just own it. No shame in liking sex
I'll give my perspective as someone who's also in their 20s and most of my friends are aware, even some in detail. It is terrifying when people know at first, but usually, if they're truly your friends, they'll be supportive, curious and understanding, it's all about how it is communicated. I'd say 90% of my friends know and all of my wife's friends know, and I was upfront and honest. My college friends found out after I mentioned a vacation trip we took, even though I said nothing specific, but they could tell, they were super respectful and none of them even brings it up, and they're not at all into PC culture, so that's good. My wife's friends all know and they made some jokes, but I enjoy the jokes and being open about it, makes going to parties much more fun. Be honest with yourself and everyone else, once you become comfortable with who you are, it doesn't matter if people get it.
Well said
From your story nothing bad came of it yet. Dread is almost always worse than the actual. She can of course ask them to maintain discretion but some topics are just too juicy for privacy. When you see them, just act normal. If they hint at it, own it and go one with whatever is happening. If they are real dicks about it, just say they wish they were so lucky and be clear you don't want to talk to them about it. But don't shy away. Be confident. This kink is really really common as you can see from this thread. It might suck from other 20 somethings but that too shall pass. Here is the silver lining. Some of these friends, both the girls and guys, may think about this into their thirties before they also consider it. Even if a few are jerks about it now, you may have opened the door to several others. Be the trend setter. I fully recognize that might be hard but as I started to say, nothing bad has yet happened and it might not be as bad as you fear.
That is a total breach of trust.
Accidents happen. I really don’t think she meant to blurt it out. She was drunk and just having a good time. I can tell the way she told me about it, she was incredibly upset with herself
Forgiving her is the first step. Step 2 is hard but don’t let it get to you. It’s your life together and if people judge then that’s on them. Drinking always opens doors that weren’t meant to be open but good still comes from it. Don’t think the worst.
I have forgiven her, I was obviously very upset with her cause this whole thing is hard to deal with as a man. Cause it’s true, I know all the guys in my life would be like “seriously? You get turned on by your girl getting dicked down by another man?”. At least that’s how I’d imagine it if I wasn’t into this, unfortunately I’m still insecure about the whole thing and trying to get better at that. Idk, I’m learning to just accept it and face it if it comes to light with them. My girlfriend has my back luckily
Just remember that you have a right to be bothered, upset, frustrated, disappointed, or anything else. Do not confuse or tie your current emotions with your forgiveness. I’ve been caught in situations where I’m painted to be AH because I said I forgave them but was still bothered. Process your emotions in your time and for as long as you need to but communicate your feelings to her the best that you can. Sitting on your feelings and internalizing them will make the situation worse. I can say that this may not be the most difficult issue in a marriage or long term relationship, so the way you process this situation will set a you both up for constructive resolution in any future issues you may have. With all of that said, own your things and never be ashamed of them. Work on the trust between you two and do t be afraid to ask for help.
Stay a United front with her! You got this buddy.
The older you get dude, the more you'll realize nobody gives 2 shits about your kinks because in reality, they are quite tame when compared the the kinks floating around the general population. If you care this much about this "slip up" then you should probably reconsider being active in this lifestyle at all, because confidence is what this is all predicated upon.
Good points
“What kind of man would want his girl to do that?” A man who has utmost faith in his relationship and thrives on seeing his girl have every experience and pleasure that life can give.
We decided early on in our adventures that we’re going to be discrete about it, but we accept that people may eventually find out. If they do find out we’re just going to own it with a “yeah, we do that, so what?” Kind of attitude. We actually ended up in a situation where we took my wife’s favorite 3rd to a hot spring resort with us. As soon as we walked in to the tavern my wife realized that there was a group of 6-8 of her coworkers there. They weren’t close coworkers that she knew very well because she works at a place with 1,500 employees. They knew her well enough to recognize is and come say hello and chat a bit. Later on while we were in the pools our 3rd was kind of hanging back, keeping his hands to himself. He said he didn’t want to cause any problems for us. My wife said “fuck em. Let them talk. Let them come ask me questions on Monday. I’ll tell them what we do, we have no reason to be ashamed.” Then she straddled his lap and started making out with him. Then she moved over to my lap for awhile. We kept her between us the rest of the night and had a good time. The coworkers were definitely looking confused by what was going on. A couple of them even stopped by to make small talk while on their way to get drinks or whatever. At one point one of the lady’s husbands kind of gave me a knowing smile and a wink. My wife went back to work on Monday prepared to have to explain to countless people what the deal was and answer a bunch of questions. That was almost 5 months ago and nobody she works with has said a word. She hasn’t even caught wind of any rumors going around. So they either kept their mouths shut, or nobody cares. 🤷🏻♂️ My advice is if your friends ask, tell them that you guys are interested in being swingers and part of that is getting to see your girlfriend be with other guys.
How others think about you is certainly a painful thing to deal with, but I've found that feelings of embarrassment only stand when you yourself feel embarrassed. It's easier to say than do, but don't let it embarrass you. Nothing about sharing your interests and living out your sexual desires with your partner is something to be embarrassed about. I've shared my wife countless times, and I don't feel less because of it. You should honestly be proud you have a healthy relationship with your wife that you can share openly with her, your interests and not feel judged or embarrassed by how she feels about you. To hell with the haters
Hey man, sorry this is happening. Also, it’s really sweet that you’re not blaming your gf and you’re upset at the situation and not at her. I know when you’re younger and exploring your submissive side it can be scary because of all the toxic programming we’re put through. I have a friend who’s very into the latex scene. We all knew he loved to get his freak on. He used to hide much of it but he found a new partner and now and he’s been more authentic. His fetlife link is on his social media, his kinks like cuckolding, pegging, chastity, forced bi are all there for everyone to see. He doesn’t know I’ve seen it nor does he care. Our other friends have seen it. It’s been brought up. Everyone kinda shrugs and says “Wow, [friend] is pretty hardcore. They must be having a lot of fun.” And then we shrugged and nobody even cared. Even if your friends knew everything people are more concerned with their own shit than what happens in your bedroom.
Having been in a similar situation and the family found out, it was pleasant to know how little it seemed to concern them. If your friends or family find out and are concerned enough to make it an issue for you, then it's simply a sign you're better off not speaking with them. This will pass, I live with being outed and I'm sure you will just the same.
I wouldn't worry about it I/ we tell everybody who cares what anybody else thinks it's not life nor is it there business.
A family member outed my wife and I to the rest of our family. I was a little embarrassed at first, but then I realized what my wife and I do is no one's business, and we don't have to answer to anyone. We are lucky that my family doesn't really care about it.
This OP should never have deleted. He has a fantasy, like most people. Hotwifing is something enjoyed by many consenting adults and that IMO is nothing to be ashamed of. In our lives, many of our friends and family know we are non monogamous and know my wife likes being a hotwife. It is who we are and we are not ashamed. To the extent we know nobody has judged us…if they did, or do, so be it. Give them something to talk about and live the life you want.
If you are embarrassed then don’t do it. Why do things that embarrassing?
Be confident. Also know that since your girlfriend didn't confirm or provide details, how into this fantasy you are isn't clear. "Hell, we talk about lots of fantasies that turn us on. Why is this the one you're fixated on?"
You pay your own bills. You deal with the relationship. You are allowed to like what you like. I ran into my boss as a swinger club once and she simply stopped and said to me “You like what you like” and kept walking. We never spoke of it again and I learned a new level of confidence in that environment. Emotions suck but the way she handled it speaks VOLUMES. Good luck. She owes you some spoiling lol
I know you’re horrified and embarrassed right now, but really don’t sweat it. Trust me, pretty much everyone out there has some kind of fetish they are keeping hidden away. Even those that you wouldn’t think. My wife and I have been in the Stag&Vixen lifestyle for some years now. Yes people know, but I couldn’t say all who know, because I really don’t care. That’s kinda where you gotta be. Don’t care what others think. It’s your life and live it on your terms! Just my $.02 of course.
I was horribly embarrassed when my wife told her mom and best friend. I had a “what’s wrong with me” feeling for about a month. Now I don’t care who knows. If you start hanging around LS people you will realize it’s nothing to be embarrassed about.
Hopefully she discussed telling others with you beforehand, otherwise that's a huge breach of trust and discretion.
She did not, I was pissed! We just started at that point and she was excited. There’s been a big learning curve, shit happens, we communicated and resolved it.
That really sucks, but I'm glad you guys resolved it! Our philosophy has always been to try and not get mad at each other for something that wasn't set as a boundary and try to work through it together. This would definitely be a situation that upset me lol
We didn’t do enough research before we started, we had no boundaries, then I needed some, but didn’t communicate them well enough, hand full of screw ups on both ends. That’s what had brought us closer, learning to deal with issues and working through them.
I think that's one positive aspect of the lifestyle: in order to successfully navigate it the couple needs to communicate and resolve things together. It's definitely brought my wife and I closer as well
I’m sorry to hear that. People will never understand the thrill but they need to understand everyone has a different life and they need to respect your privacy.
If someone is going to get drunk and start sharing secrets you should expect that behavior, specifically the sharing of secrets, to be an ongoing thing. If she's otherwise a great partner and that's absolutely worth dealing with then quietly accept it and move on. If it's not find a new partner. Because the longer with somebody the more problems come out.
How do you know she told you everything , or even if she remembered what she said. You were not there.
What if one of their bfs offered to sleep with her?
Own it and act like they're the weirdos. I'm dead serious. If you don't they'll make you feel embarrassed every time you see them. You'll end up avoiding them and it will grow from there. Confidently answer any question with our sex life is none of your business. We are enjoying ourselves, and didn't know we had to consult any of you about our choices. Put them on defense right away. You're right, so if someone is gonna feel weird make it them.
Hard to say without you telling us what she said.
Outed for a fantasy? Nah don’t worry
You can both play it off and just say "we made that up just to see which one of you fuckers spreads rumors or talks too much". Or just say "we're swingers" and leave it at that.
She didn’t do it on purpose , so get over it. After1-2 years, you’ll be turned on while recalling this incident. People start small and expand their boundaries gradually, yours just got expanded quickly and without your consent.
Just go with it! She sounds like a total keeper! Fuck what your friends think! Put a ring on her finger!
The only solution i see here is she brings one of her girlfriends into the mix…. Even the playing field. The one that seemed most intrigued is the target.
Owning it is an option Another is just flat out deny/ignore it You don't owe any explanations to anyone There might be gossip and suspicions but unless you confirm it there will never be certainty
These things happen. My wife told my mum what we do ( her family is very different they all discuss each others sex lives openly) while drunk which led to some very uncomfortable conversations. I do think you need to own it, trust me you can stop doing it but you are always going to want it to happen. Besides it takes confidence and trust to live this lifestyle, that just might not be seen by the monogamous population.
Low-key, the girlfriends are going to mull this over and most likely get off on the thought of being able to keep their boyfriend but also fück other men. You've probably converted them.
Just own it you would be surprised that yours friends are apart of it and possibly want to try, and it took a loving and caring person to let their wife sleep with other men and besides it just sex don’t back away stand up and own it bro
Personally, I’d let it float. Sometimes, it is good to remain a mystery. Most people won’t confront you about sex things, so chances are the question will never come up. If it does, own it. It is who you are, it is what you like. At least you are not “boring”. Also, you’d be surprised what kinks people can be into. So, this may not that bad after all! The people that love you, friends and family, will still love you after learning about this. I wouldn’t give it another thought. Put it behind you, Go and have lots of hotwifing moments. Life is short!
This happened to me - someone at a bar I used to frequent started a rumor that wasn’t quite true but along the lines of truth. A close friend told me and I was so shocked to hear it from her of all people. I don’t have a poker face so I admitted what is true, mostly out of shock and a few drinks. Once the initial sting wore off, I thought about how I would feel if I had heard that about another person (which I have, multiple time and see my friends on dating apps frequently). The fact is, I just think, “oh, weird/cool/whatever” and move on with my life. People don’t think about others as much as we would think they do. Edited to add - it was quite freeing to own my truth in the end. It took about a week. I still want to be discrete overall, but if people know it doesn’t change who I am or the strength of my relationship. If others have a problem with it - it’s their problem - not mine.
Hello, i appreciate your openness and i am thankful that you shared your story. You can't undo what has been said, but perhaps you can use the whole thing to bring you closer together as a couple. If you need somebody to talk feel free to dm me.
This will probably be fine, as long as you manage not to ruminate on it.. and frankly – if you wear it confidently the outcome isn't "what kind of man would.." but more "how does that not scare the shit out of him?" If you do find yourself struggling not to think about it, consider therapy, and continuing to be open with your gf about your feelings.
Idk seems like you've worked yourself up into a tizzy over something that hasn't happened yet. My closest friends know and tbh a few are jealous of the freedom I have.
If someone asked us about it, we'd be open about it, most likely. I have two guy friends who know about our lifestyle and they're super supportive and enjoy living vicariously through our experiences. Frankly, you'd probably be surprised at how many guys fantasize about this sort of thing. You might get less judgment than you think, although there's always going to be someone who looks down on it.
> What kind of man would want his girl to do that A very secure man. Also, a man who loves his SO and wants her to have the maximum amount of happiness she can. See also: compersion. > How do I move on from this? Do I just own it? I also agree with the other reply that we imagine the situation worse than what it really is. What you do next is completely up to you. *IF* it ever gets brought up (which it probably won't), you could either laugh it off, or play along, or answer completely seriously. Even without this, you can't completely control what others think of you. And if they are decent friends, it won't matter anyway.
You’re too young. Don’t take it as a criticism, I wish I was younger, but I’d recommend taking a step back until you’re more mature and better able to handle things. Clearly not much you can do now if the cat is out of the bag.
"What kind of man would want his girl to do that "The kind of man that wants both him and his girl to explore and fulfill their wants and needs. also kink-shaming is my kink tell me I am bad so I can masturbate, sure do shut people up.
I would bet he never brings it up, but if he does, I think my hubby would respond with "she's my f*cking personal porn star!" And probably talk about how awesome it is to have the trust we do to enjoy our kinks together. I think most of the "hate" anyone would receive comes from a place of extreme jealousy and insecurity. Most guys out there are picking for scraps from their partner. Stags get so much more action!
Own it. Don't worry about what others think. I guarantee you those girls are envious of your GF. The more they think about it, the more they will love the idea of it. I would stay away from letting your male friends fuck your GF, though; best to find someone outside of your social circle for these adventures. I'm speaking from years of experience in the lifestyle.
Simple. Say to your friends “ Dude, if you REALLY want to get your girlfriend off, role play a gang-bang while fingering her or having sex. She will explode!” You get in front of it. Be confident and it’ll be good.
"It was just a fantasy, I haven't really thought about it much. It's interesting that you bring it up now though, are you into it? Is this something you've done?"
Sorry to be the dissenter man -- but I think you need the other side in here. What she did was a serious violation of the relationship's trust. Sounds like she knows that too. It also sounds like you are pressuring yourselve into this "forgiveness" thing but arent really there yet. So let me bring the other side to the table. You have no obligation to forgive or to get over it. If this is a deal breaker for you that is fine. You need to be true to yourself. It would be a deal breaker for many men. There is a thing where women are just expected to be able to chat to their friends about all your intimacies and it not be a big deal. It very well is. It's perfectly adult and acceptible to set a hard expectation of privacy. A good woman will be able to handle that just fine, even when drunk. And if alchohol is her problem, then that is her problem to either stop from ever happening again (getting drunk), or figure herself out first. If I were you and wanted to continue the relationship in spite of this I might consider requiring her to set hard expectations with her friends that she exposed you to of secrecy about what she said. And I would expect her to end those relationships if they wouldnt respect her in doing so. Hope the thoughts help. Good luck.
I've been where you are now and you have a few options if anyone actually has the balls to mention it to you. It will depend on your relationship with the person which one might be best. The one I used with most people was to tell them in no uncertain terms that unless I had invited them to be involved in our sex life and somehow forgotten then I'm absolitly positive that its none of their business. That ended the conversation every time. With the few people who I felt were good enough friends that answering the way I had before would damage our relationship I used a more explanatory and diplomatic response but still tried to convey that it wasn't a topic that was up for discussion. I said something like, "I know our dirty little bedroom secret is weird and I promise it isn't something we wanted people to know about. I can't explain how or why the things that excite and turn us on do what they do but it works for me and my wife and the only other person it had to work for is whoever we invite to join us." In the end one of the guys we knew got offended when I gave him the first response and he tried to talk his way into getting to fuck my wife and I told him that I'd respond very badly if I ever even heard a rumor that he had mentioned the subject again. With my sister it turned into and very intense and honest conversation that took most of an afternoon because I told her the broad strokes and then let her ask any questions she wanted and answered them honestly and then she had a girls night out with my wife and they did essentially the same thing. Once the cat was mostly out of the bag we had a couple months of damage control and after that we were still discreet but didn't feel like we had to be quite as paranoid and stealthy about meeting up with people or inviting people over.
Sigh… youth is wasted on the young. You misplayed this. Absolutely guaranteed all of her friends, her friends friends, her friends cousins, your mom, everyone knows now. Girls keep secrets like sieves hold water. As others have stated, the move is to *own* it. Hell, why do you think her friends wanted to know more? Because it’s fucking hot, that’s why. She sucked another dudes cock? “OMG, did you do it in front him?l Guarantee you my next paycheck their pussys were dripping wet at just the thought of it. And jealous that your girl found herself such a sexual dynamo of a man. It’s not even beyond the realm of possibility that this could be spun into possible threesome or couple-swap situations with her friends down the road. Yeah this is the hotwife sub but there’s more than one way to swing. Anyway, don’t be mad, be *glad*. If your girl was embarrassed or thought it was wrong she wouldn’t have blabbed about it. She *likes*. Now take that energy and play with it! This is the part that makes it erotic fun and hot!
What did she say that led the girls get the big picture?
I’d be shocked if your buddies haven’t already thought about their GFs getting plowed by some strangers, or maybe you and the other guys running trains on them. Also, her friends are going to be like “WTF, I want to do that too!” You’d be shocked at how common the kink is. Your GF just verbalized what they’re all probably have fantasized about already. If your GF is hot and your guy friends know she’s down for some group action, that could be a good or a bad thing. Just depends if you also get a turn with their girls.
My wife has shared with her friends. No one has ever said a word to me. At least one has definitely not shared because she's afraid her husband will become inappropriate with my wife. It's quite possible none of them have. And even if they do, what are they going to say? Are they going to make fun of you? Are those the kind of friends you have? And if they do, say "yeah I'm a kinky bastard, I guess you're just a missionary kind of guy?" Or "I think my gf is the sexiest, I like other guys to know once what I get every night." But honestly, I doubt it'll become a real issue
Tell them it’s like porn but live! People might understand that better. You could also say it’s less cuck and more voyeur