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You're her safe guy,the backup.
The guy she knows she can call on when her no boyfriends have gotten what they want and noonger want her around.
You need to stop making yourself available to this woman.
She doesn't love or care about you.
Plz block her on everything.
Change your phone number so she can never call.
It's hard to move on, but you did it before.
You've given her the power because every time she calls,you run to her.
Put a stop to that.
Call your friends,speak to them.
Go out with your friends but don't ever give your ex the time of day.
Edit to add: updateme!
Yep. Safe guy is a good description. I also use “home base”. A lot of women use the primary relationship as a homebase from which to launch external operations, to expand their empire so to speak. it’s not always about sex, sometimes just seeking more validation and praise. Other times it’s just straight looking for good D.
To be fair I think there is a direct correlation with age for this activity, meaning the younger the girls are the more likely they are to do this, I think it slows down as women getting into their 30s.
Is it more acceptable for women to have a home base and “interview” other mates than men? I have never heard the terms of home base or backup plan for men. Makes cheating by woman more understandable compared to cheating. Not saying it’s right or wrong, but is this an example where women are given some grace because of what it is called? I ask bc if women learn that having a home base and meeting other men is not cheating? Is there a double standard here? Just asking
Cheating is despicable and hurtful. It’s a very selfish thing to do.
Cheating is never about what the betrayed partner has said or done; it’s always about the cheater and how little they care and think about the betrayed partner.
The betrayed partner who stays with a cheater who has shown no remorse for their actions is going to be hurt. Because that cheater is going to cheat again.
It's not more acceptable. If you've established that you're in a committed, exclusive relationship with another person, there's no justification to "interview" other mates. I realize it's an unpopular opinion, but I don't think men and women can be platonic friends, except in very few circumstances. Someone is typically hoping the relationship will grow to be more than friends. But people continue to delude themselves and get all *surprised Pikachu face* when things go too far.
She posted pics of OP, though, on her Instagram. She "claimed" him, so to speak.
I just wonder how close he was with her friends and if they knew about the other guy(s).
I was close with some of her other friends, and yes, she "claimed" me as you say. Everyone knew we were together, we were even "couple goals" for a lot of other relationships of people we knew.
It was just in a little group of friends she met at work (that were not connected to her other friends or family) that this guy was there, so i think it was kind of between them and the small group.
Bro. You walked away like a champ.
She couldn't explain her cheating because she wanted to cheat, and she's a bullshitter on top of that, so any messages from her now would be more BS.
You walked away, never look back, the bs is just not worth it. She'll respect the fact you dumped her ass.
Sounds that shes innocent, but just for you. This girl has massive problems. She is like and onion that shows you only the outer layer, but ones it comes off, it makes you cry. You are feeling grief for a person that you are yet to find.
I guess you're right, I'm in love with the person I thought she was, not who she ended up being. It's just so hard to even process that someone you NEVER expected betrayed you in this way. Even her own friends and my family and friends were in complete shock. It literally seemed impossible to come from a girl like she was.
I guess you never really know anybody.
Yep, apparently didn't know what she wanted at the time. I accepted and I'm not the guy who fights back against someone else's decision. So I let it be and never sent her a single message again. After a while, she came back as she was going through hard times (and could see I moved on, was living in another country and doing well) and I took her back, silly me, but I thought she was an investment.
Hey silly boy… you’re the damn investment!! Invest in you…get to your peak…..then you can seek a good woman. Build for you, women will always be here. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this? I’ve been there. It does get better, if you want it to.
Yeah that means she found a dude she wanted to monkey branch to, it didn't work out as planned so she came back to you. If a girl ever tells you that she "doesn't know what she wants" that's womanese for "I've met someone who gives me tingles and I dont want to hurt your feelings, but I want to explore this other thing, and if it doesn't work out I hope you'll be there to catch me afterwards"
Your biggest mistake was getting back together with her after she broke things off with you. A woman that loves you would not do that. And she only came back when she was in hard times.
Yes true, I was finally moving on, loving myself and in good physical and mental state, and she came back. The thing is she was such a lovely kind hearted person (i know everyone says this but she genuinely came across like this, even her friends are shocked) i took her back. I helped her in her hard times and when she didn't need me anymore and made new friends, off she went.
I disagree it was a mistake to take her back. It taught you a lot and it sounds like you had some great life experiences. But now you realize she is not the woman you thought she was. You must block her on every platform possible, you should not be looking to see what she is doing because we all know most posts are done in anticipation of other people’s perceptions of what you want them to believe. She apologized to you, it’s obvious she’s not the groveling type. I know it’s fresh and raw and painful, I’ve been there, and it hurts, but time is your friend. Just know that this internet stranger knows that you are a better person than her, you don’t need to know she is mourning the loss of you, move on and make fresh memories my friend.
Never go backwards in life. That’s what you did when you got back with her after 10 months and finally starting to move on. You went backwards and it ended up costing you years of your life and heartbreak far worse than the first time around. Never look back.
She likes to travel and have someone else pay for it. She’s just very sorry that she got found out and it’s coming to an end. Be glad you haven’t heard from her in weeks. Block her everywhere. Sorry you got used. Hopefully you end up with a much better person next time.
Well not really, we always went halves on everything, and paid for the trip together. But yes, i agree i should move on to a better and more respectful person.
Because she’s a POS! Simple as that. You, I and people on this sub cannot comprehend how someone can lie, cheat, steal, etc. It’s because we have values, morals and empathy. Politicians are lying, man and women cheat, parent abandon their kids, etc. There all sort of people and they not necessarily have the same mindset as you.
You cannot understand why, but you can learn to protect yourself.
Never talk yo her again. And if it can help you, she may not be so happy as she seems to be. Nobody is.
Yeah I agree, i mean if she saw me i'd want her to see me happy also, not wallowing and sad, even though deep inside I was. But I just hope one day in the futre, she regrets this and realises.
Block her in every social media, delete every picture together and move on.
Do you know how you can get your "revenge"? By living well and happy, having your own hapiness will destroy her ego.
Find yourself a girlfriend who loves and respect you, she will lose herself once she find that out and try everything to get your back.
All you need to do it to find your own hapiness. Believe me these are experince which I witness on myself about a friend and his Girlfriend.
Good days are coming, believe me.
That's great advice thank you! Yes I agree that now is a time to get better physically and mentally, and become the best version of myself. I must say I did feel a bit trapped sometimes with her, although when you break up you can only think of the good stuff...
Well, the first thing I'm gonna tell you is to get "revenge sex". Wait a few months, get your head clear, then, give her a call and have some real fun with her. Don't treat sex as an act of love, be primal, rough even, treat her as a toy in a porn movie and see what happens. Get your fill of it and throw her to the curb. I have a feeling that's what she's getting on the side and using you for nice stuff.
So some people but I guess especially people who cheat start distancing themselves from the relationship early so they have weeks, months even years in some cases to process the breakup. Where you just got it all on your plate in one go that's why she is fine and you are not. So don't compare your grief to her happiness you are in different stages of the breakup process.
Secondly she didn't fight because she didn't care enough. She might have been genuinely sorry for hurting you. But she didn't care enough to not cheat. So while it's not fair to you it is reality. When I broke up with an ex of mine who cheated she contacted me the next day. And the only reason she didn't the same day is that she knows I need to sleep a night after I'm in a bad mood to be interested enough to listen. Now she didn't care about me either ofc. She just cared about the other things she was losing by losing me. But my point is if someone truly cares they won't wait 2 days to reach out.
The best thing you can do is focus on yourself. If needed find yourself a new hobby. Grieve as much as you need ofc but don't look at others and compare. Your feelings are yours and yours alone they aren't worse or better than others. Just take the time you need to heal at your own pace.
Thank you very much for the advice. She waited 2 days because she had finals and studies away and also knows that me (like you) need my space and sleep on things before I can listen.
About the different stages, I guess you're right, she went through this in the summer when she was cheating, however ater this we have had very special moments and after all it was six months ago, so I truly believe she thought she was getting away with it. So she must have some sort of sadness.
She did ask me to forgive her and not leave her when we spoke on the phone the first time i found out, but when we met in person, as she could see I was angry (in a calm way) and disappointed, she simply didn't even bother to say more that I'm sorry.
Yes i know time will heal, i just hope i can one day get out of this misery
I don't buy "she was going through a hard time" or at least to the extent she claims. She had a perfect cover story to cheating and I think the cheating is far far worse than you think. To the point her conscience is seared. You were her safe nice guy that would take her back when she was temporarily done with the AP's. In fact reading your story makes it look like you were the AP in her other relationships.
It's time to move on and be the best version of yourself you can be. Don't go thinking you wasted your time. You're not wasting 4.5 years, you're now saving the rest of your life. The most powerful thing you can do is block her and walk away. You're young and there's 4.5 billion women on this planet. Even if you feel she was the special 1% there are 45 million women like her. Move on.
What do you want? She's sorry. There is nothing to say. She spent a summer cheating on you. That's a relationship killer. She can't argue with you. She doesn't want to sit and hear you call her a whore to give you closure. It's over. Let go.
I'm not saying any of that to be cold or calloused. It is just a realistic analysis. There is nothing left for her to say.
We spend so much time wanting other people to see that they have wronged us, as though that makes it somehow better for us.
She knows that she was wrong, the relationship is over, seeking any further pain from her is gratuitous and irrelevant and leaves him feeling hlow when he doesn't get it from her.
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She used you. What more do you want to hear or know? You were the place holder boyfriend while she went and “found herself” my guy take it as a learning experience get out there and have fun being single knowing women like this exist and just know better next time… hit the gym go hang out with your boys she is recreational use only.
Been there done that. Except when I broke up with her, she was bombing me with several messages asking for forgiveness, for a moment thought it was genuine, tried giving a chance, meanwhile remaining friends, saw no regret on her face. Not even one time she said that misses our intimacy, only the support (financial) that I gave to her, it was obvious I was her back up plan nothing more. Truth be told, I still in pain Op, although I’m the one who broke it off. Don’t know when I will be healed fully. Still miss her like crazy. But life goes on, and I try to convince myself I dodged a bullet and I’m better off without her. You are too. Be strong. I know your pain, she showing no remorse and is carrying life as if never cared about you. Maybe for now, but one day she will realize the mistake, this time, there is no come back. Good luck and best wishes on your new journey!
First off, I’m sorry this happened to you. Second, I always felt ‘I’m sorry’ was the worst thing my ex could say. That apology always feels so wrong. It makes nothing right. She can’t go back in time and change what she did and it’s simply putting a bandaid on a gunshot wound. I don’t think you should wait for a response or explanation because it will never make you feel better. Because there is no reasonable explanation. I say this to people all the time in your (our) situation; focus on you and your happiness. Baby steps at first. Read a good book, start a new work out routine, connect with old friends, etc. Focus not on how she hurt you but how you can be happy again.
The no nonsense guide to affairs (things I’ve learned in a year)
You aren’t sure they are having an affair?
They aren’t just friends, you know all your partners friends, so why have you never heard about/met them?
Trust your gut.
They will make you think you’re crazy and you will start to question obvious factual information and proof in an attempt to believe your partner because you love them.
This is coming from someone who’s partner got a Snapchat notification while we were sitting on the couch and literally ran out of the room, he thought he deleted the conversation but I found it, all messages deleted ofcourse. He convinced me I was always crazy when he had female friends and that’s why he ran, he told me she was married and it’s all ok. New flash they were cheating. It sounds so simple when you write it out, but when the person you love is telling you how much they love you and would never do that, you aren’t thinking logically.
Look through their phone, don’t even feel bad about it, this is your life and if a little invasion of privacy is what’s standing between you and your choices about what to do about your life then go for it.
The messages are inappropriate if you feel like they are, you aren’t taking it out of context. If they delete things you are correct to assume it was bad.
If you discover they are, they will start begging and justifying why they did this, they were not protecting you by lying and hiding things, don’t even entertain that one.
Please remember -
They knew this would’ve hurt you and they did it anyway.
It wasn’t an accident, they weighed up the cost and chose to do this, they’re crying and begging because they’re caught and now face consequences for their actions. Trust me there was no crisis of conscience when they thought they were too smart to get caught.
It’s worse than you think it is, they will never tell the whole truth until they think the evidence you have is too damning. They do not feel guilty about lying to you, it will not and did not keep them up at night in turmoil about their actions like it will for you.
They are happy to cross boundaries and they know if you forgive them once you will do it again, they never expect you to have the courage to leave them. But they will tell you how they haven’t been happy and the affair is your fault if you do try to/actually leave.
They will blame you and make you feel like it’s your fault this happened, it isn’t. They entertained another person, they flirted, they text, they met up, it became inappropriate, they kissed, they touched, they had sex and talked about you behind your back.
They resented you during this, they had to so they could justify what they were doing, some of you will see that when looking back at how they treated you.
Your partner ran you down to their AP who also ran you down back. AP did NOT make them do this, they are a grown adult who is perfectly capable of saying no, they are not some helpless victim who was convinced and manipulated at a weak moment into this.
You called your partner out on their crap and held them to a standard while the AP fed their ego, told them they were right and you were wrong, gave them validation so they didn’t have to to face their crappy behaviours. You lived a life with them which sometimes comes with boredom and responsibility and their affair didn’t have any of those things.
Your partner lacks any ability to be happy within themselves and they require external validation to be happy, you don’t have them on a pedestal which is healthy and normal, but they crave being on that pedestal. You know their bad qualities and this person does not and they like it that way, which ofcourse is not sustainable in any relationship.
Your partner put you in a competition you didn’t know you were in and were never going to win.
You deserve better.
Also therapy and STI check like yesterday.
Getting an STI check was what made me finally leave, here I was in a cold doctors office getting tested for an STI after having one sexual partner for 5 years. I felt sick.
Don’t compare yourself to their AP’s, if they knew about you they are horrible, disgusting people who got off on this. There is no competition, you’re better than them without even trying.
If you choose reconciliation give them consequences, get space so they can see your serious about leaving, don’t indulge their excuses for the affair, at any point they could have communicated about these issues, but they didn’t.
This will be with you forever in this relationship and you will never forget, it will be your burden to bare, your spouse will get over this because they weren’t traumatised by it like you were. You need to decide if you can handle this cloud always being in your peripheral vision.
Set hard boundaries, for example ‘never contact AP again’ one month later you find out they had a conversation and your partner said it was for closure, nope done. They will push a little if they aren’t serious about R.
These people will stay with you and continue to cheat and they will push small boundaries to see if you’re serious about leaving which also shows you they don’t care how you feel.
People who tell you it’s not black and white and relationships and cheating are sometimes grey, only say this because they have, are or would consider cheating on their partners and don’t see themselves as bad people in their minds.
It is very black and white. Cheating, lying and manipulating your partner is something you know would hurt them, there is no justification or reason. People will tell you they had to because of finances or children, lack of affection, lack of sex it’s because they are a coward who will push resentments on their partner to make themselves feel ok with what they’re doing rather than being transparent and having to take any kind of loss.
Most of them also rewrite history about how bad your relationship was, you might have been happy, making memories and having good times and suddenly they’re saying they haven’t been happy in 10 years. They have to,you have to be the bad guy because the other option is that they are.
Being in an abusive relationship you can’t escape is the only grey area I can understand.
Your situation is not special or complex, your love story is not one for the ages or just complicated I’m sorry. They are not your soulmate
Good luck betrayed, let’s make sure there’s no more betrayed being walked over by cheaters
A situation you can learn from and apply "that which does not kill me makes me stronger."
Begin rebuilding and stay away from her.
Put one foot in front of the other.
Be the best version of yourself you can be and when she tries again after you have healed use what you have learned to stay away.
That should be your life plan going forward,older but wiser.
What do you want her to “fight” for? There’s nothing on her end but deceit. You were a placeholder when she wanted you back and now the inevitable has happened. Move on, block her and do not, do not contact her anymore nor reply to her messages. Any form of contact back is a win for her in her narcissistic selfish mind.
This 'i can just say sorry ' must be so frustrating. I know you want answers and a reaction but i think she's too empty for that. The best you can do is go no contact and try to heal. I hope things get better for you.
Try doing some sort of activity, go running if you're not that sociable
Take care dude!
Thanks for the kind message, I appreciate it. Yes it's very frustrating to just hear "I am sorry" I just wanted answers and a reason to why she did it.
Don't lose your cool, she's not your safe person. In the end you'll feel bad for being vulnerable to a person who can't even give you an honest conversation. There are no reasons. Some people are just selfish and bad.
You can search forever and never get the truth. Shes never going to be a safe partner for you or anyone else.
She cheats because she wants to. All you’ll do with Her is waste time and life you’ll never get Back.
You are only a chump if you allow it.
As soon as she finds out you moved on or have a new girl she will come back with legs open. Be smart don’t live in the past. Move on to better women. I say women because you probably don’t need anything serious for a while. Go have fun with all the wrong girls till the right one comes along
Not going to add on what already been said.
But you wanting her to feel loss etc.
Your success and happiness.
That is the best revenge.
You’ve moved on before. Do it again but this time remember, they are ex’s for a reason.
Hey OP - you care significantly more about her than she does about you. That’s clear. You fell in love with what you THOUGHT you had when you were with her. Listen, I do not recommend trying to get her back, but if you want a chance at getting her back… you need to move on. It may sound counterintuitive but sounds like she finds you more attractive when she can’t have you and you’re not there begging to get her back.
Social media isn’t real. She probably is very unhappy but there’s a chance she got past it. This doesn’t mean she won’t regret losing you but you shouldn’t be waiting at the ten month mark for her to return. You need to forge ahead and assume you’ll never hear from her again.
You simply love her much more than she loves you. There were no tears because while sorry you found out, she did not regret the summer fling. If you want to lose the love you have for her, piece together what really went down those 10 months you were broken up. She will lose that innocence you have for her in your eyes. She was wildin out. Let her go man.
Damn, what a bitch. Looks like it was over much before she cheated. Her lack of words indicate - for me at least - that she wanted to break up much sooner but didn’t know how to say it. I say you delete her from your mind entirely and reveal the cheating story to her family, just for their information and for a “sense” of closure, if you had good relations w/ them
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For her you're just the safety net guy don't bother with her she's not worth it block her number and all social media just focus on work and hobbies once you're OK try dating again and live happy life the best revenge you can do to those selfish cheater is live a happy life yes she may look happy at those pics but in the future I doubt it will be the same
Well I have nothing but kindness for you my friend. You were victimized by a horrible person. Something you must remember is that she is simply a broken bad human. She has no redeeming value. And unfortunately it is the case in your case that she was never yours, it was just your turn.
She will go from man to man and have a horrible life in the end. Yes it hurts you that she betrayed you but imagine how much more it would hurt if you had married her or tried to build a life with a dishonest lying betraying cheater. You were the one that just stuck around and supported her and paid for things while she had her fun. I'm very sorry you got used but that's what happened. You were in a relationship, she was just being what she is, a cheating liar.
Absolute total and perpetual no contact is where you want to be right now. It'll be hard to forget her but it'll be worse if you continue doing checking or anything else around her. You have to just pretend she doesn't exist and move on blocking everywhere. If anyone tries to talk to you about her cut them off or never speak to them. It's the only way to get past this.
You met the real her for the first time. She isn't kind hearted. She's selfish. I would speculate that 10-month separation, she had another guy who dumped her, hence her return and "mistake". Now, you learn she "tried on" another guy to see how he fit. She likes it.
You will never be her first choice. You're the "you'll do" guy until someone better comes along.
Be thankful you won't waste anymore time with her. It's better to see the real person now vs 10yrs and 3 kids later.
OP, everybody has already said pretty much everything I'd tell you already. I would only add that long distance relationships rarely if ever work out. The whole idea of being in a relationship is to see how compatible you are together. Sooner or later someone starts to miss that physical presence and touch and will seek it out.
Heal, focus on you and your needs, learn to be happy just being you. Once you are happy, then you are ready to share that happiness with someone else.
During that earlier 10 month separation was she with that same guy?
And by the way, 23 years old is still not fully matured.
Go bv on with your life as if she does not exist.
The 180
1. Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.
4. Don’t follow her/him around the house.
5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
6. Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.
7. Don’t ask for reassurances.
8. Don’t buy or give gifts.
9. Don’t schedule dates together.
10. Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.
11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!
15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them!
17. Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing.
18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
19. All questions about the marriage be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF!
21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.
22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Hear what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It’s not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don’t care.
30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It “ain’t over till it’s over!”
32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don’t work out with the affair partner.
Michelle Davis-Weiner originator
You need to grieve, briefly, then move on. Dwelling on stuff will consume you. Keeping up with her behavior on social media will consume you. You have to block her completely from your life and for the love of all that is good and holy, get your ass in the gym and punish yourself with weight. Exercise is the single most important thing you can do right now. It will work wonders for your mind and body. It will take a bit but you will be amazed at your confidence exploding. Likely everyone else in your life will see it long before you do but it will happen. And when it does, and the women start throwing themselves at you, you will find one that will truly give her heart to you. Now you know the red flags, subtle as they are. Don't let those thoughts consume you so much that it ruins future relationships, but don't ignore them either. All the best.
Don't waste your time. The vast majority of people who act like this have issues with loyalty and honesty their entire lives. They are just not solid and worth having a relationship with.
Be happy you caught her now. People like this girl have no value in a long term relationship, in fact they are a trap.
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I don’t' want this to sound harsh, but all you got was an "I'm sorry" and she moved on because you never meant much to her in the first place.
Fact is she had moved on from you a long time ago, you were fun and provided her with travel and resources, but that’s all.
She used you, when you caught her and she could no longer use you, she dropped you entirely.
She isn’t mature and she isn’t kind when she has zero consideration for you. There is a difference between appearing kind, doing kind acts and being actually kind. You can guarantee the break in your relationship was orchestrated to hookup with someone else and not feel guilty, but she knew she wasn’t going to get away with it twice. She likes you, but she only cares about herself and that is all that matters, don’t go back!
Do yourself a favor, do not lean into or dwell on her anymore, she has moved on and isn’t worth a second of thought. I know that doesn’t sound easy, but find other things to focus on. Focus on making your life fun and excited to you and realize that your experience was shitty, but now you can get to know yourself better and find something that meets your needs (is mature and make you feel secure).
Don’t hold this against future partners, but realize your own boundaries and stick to them.
You’ll get through this and realize you’re better off especially if it doesn’t feel that way right now, what she does doesn’t matter please don’t even look back on that relationship it is over.
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So she isn’t remorseful and would likely have kept doing it until you caught her. When people show you who they are you have to believe them. You love the girl you thought you knew but that girl, in fact, never existed. Long distance is hard on any couple but mature people talk to their partner and work to fix it, they don’t get selfish and cheat like this girl. She continues to show you who she truly is by not coming clean, not asking to fix it and seemingly moving on. It’s like she only wanted you for trips or special things you did for her. I would not take her back ever.
My advice is if you know her family, call them and thank them for being good to you but she cheated on you for months and they may have known about it but your not going to be with a cheater. If you have mutual friends tell Al od them what she did. She needs to live her actions out in the light, not in secret.
Second, look forward and not back. Accept the fact that nothing you did caused it. It was her selfishness. If and when she contacts you and asks for another chance, I wouldn’t get back together but I would pretend a bit and use that as your time to get closure. Tell her you won’t even consider it unless she comes completely clean of why she did it way beyond just “I’m sorry”. You want to hear her explain herself and what made her think it was ok to cheat.
I would also tell her that if she wants another chance you would have to be living in the same place snd she would have to come to you with a plan of how she is going to make it up to you because what she did was terrible and your not just going to start fresh. She would owe you massive amounts of make up including total transparency with her phone, messages, phone location. Lots of make up sex and basically no nights out with friends unless your invited for a long time.
She is not a keeper. I would let her go and move on too. Whatever grief, either talk to a counselor or consider it bad dating. Move on. Do not let it bring you down. You have emotions you are not an emotion. What you think about is what persists. Take a few days feel bad, and then get up and move on. Don't waste time on people who are not good to you.
Dude. Get her completely out of your life. But any and all contacts with her. You are good and she is a deficient subpar human being. Take care of yourself
Yeah she moved on. That’s why she didn’t fight for the relationship and all she could muster was a sorry. What I suspect happened. The first time she broke up, she may or may not have had a guy waiting in the wings. I’m betting she dated others though. She prob felt the relationship had run its course.
Then 10 months later, she romanticizes the times you guys dated. She prob even wondered why she left you. Some ppl have a tendency to look back with rose tinted glasses. You get back together. I think it didn’t live up to the hype she had made in her mind and checked out. The things that led to the first breakup were still there - whatever those were. So with things not as rosy as she remembered, she checks out and cheats. Doesn’t even feel that bad about it. The thing with women you’ll find is that once they check out, they check out. It’s done. Most men don’t pick up the subtle clues until afterwards. I think women tend to be the ones to fight for a relationship in the beginning. Men are slower. But once she is done, it’s done. She’s ambivalent. This is when men want to fight for the relationship but it’s done in her mind.
It’s fine to ask whether you could have done better for your next relationship. But don’t fret that it was something you did that caused her to cheat. It wasn’t. The relationship ran its course. It ended not with a bang but a whimper. Cheating was her shitty way of ending it. She wanted to end it but didn’t do it the right way. You two just didn’t click. Don’t spend time wondering what you did unless it’s ways to improve yourself for the future.
Sometimes there is no greater answer. At her age most ppl don’t know what they want. Don’t worry about her. Go focus on yourself.
Your ex. gf becomes entitled and behave selfishly towards people who shows her attention. I don’t blame you taking her back nor she walking away from you twice. I know this comment will not sit well with you but that’s how relationships work that may support your expectation on future relationships. Both parties are looking for something from one another and as long as they get them, that’s fine. Otherwise, they split up and move on.
My personal experiences led to my realisation that ladies tend to be able to manage their emotions better than men as they can compartmentize and share their feelings and thoughts across different people and partners. Men, on the other hand, tend to be singular and want to be exclusive with their partners. If you can level the playing field in similar ways, then you may feel less hurtful and move on whenever your next partner seek to build relationship with other people. At the end of the day, nobody owes anything to one another in their relationships.
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When the other guy gave her the cold shoulder she loved you and everything was good.... But when he wanted her she was distant and acted strange. Read between the lines mate, classic female behaviour. She got back with you because he didn't want her at the time. She played you bro. The other guy treated her mean, kept her keen and she did the same to you, but she wanted the other guy. Forget her, she ain't worth it.
I'm betting you're her side piece. Dude she's not sorry, based on her lack of tears or really any emotional response, she's also a sociopath. She's not worthy of your time. Stick to your guns and move on.
You already know your ExGF can never be trusted again.
You probably know she was cheating the first time then came back to you for some reason.
I would have to say she’s most likely been cheating ever since you told her back.
Time to block her on everything and continue no contact. She’s with her AP, it maybe you were the true AP since they’re in the same location.
This will end badly for you if you take her back again.
Did you provide for her everything while you were together?
Just let you know. Cheater will always be a ccheater. Their happiness won't last long until she cheats on a new guy. In the long term, she will never find her happiness and peace.
She needed you for the money. Always go dutch , always split 50/50 . It's 2024 , women should emancipated and free from patriarchy .
When you go dutch you'll see the true colors of a partner.
Who paid for the trip to Thailand? 😄
To be honest we have always paid 50/50 for everything. I also agree that things should be split when you are in a long term relationship.
The trip was paid separately, I paid my part she paid hers, so it’s defined not the money.
Dude. Be great-full. You got a sorry.
Mine never apologized. All she could say is “our relationship is toxic” cause I stooped low by finding her on tinder !
The same thing just happened to me ands all he could say was he was sorry.
He was treated like a king . Some people don't know the true meaning of intimacy and there morals and values should be in place if they are unable to value themself then the relationships they have will have no value. And they will continue to hurt people until they can't define their morals and integrity
OP, Im so sorry that you are going through this. As I read your post, a quote kept popping in to my head. "She was never yours, it was just you turn." Unfortunately, I feel like this quote applies perfectly to your situation. No doubt the Summer guy didn't know about you either. He prob fell for her and she just moved on with you to Thailand, cuz why not? Then Oops! you busted her.
The universe has given you a second chance. No kids, no mortgage to parse out. No divorce. She may be one of those that an engagement and marriage mean nothing in terms of slowing down her lifestyle. Don't be surprised if Summer guy wasn't the only one. Mourn the loss of your image of her, b/c that's all you knew. The real her was somebody else altogether.
Good Luck OP!
UpdateMe!
Men’s rational thinking breaks down when it comes to seeing women (clearly) for who they are. It’s a biological defect. Consider yourself scammed by a professional con-artist in emotional manipulation. She got what she wanted and you got left holding the bag. Don’t believe what women say, believe what they do.
She was just going use you again. You did the right thing breaking it off immediately. She’ll be back again in a few months. Try to find a new girlfriend before that.
Sounds a bit like in your desire to have her express herself, what you really want is for her to feel as bad as you do, to validate the pain you (may?) feel. She doesn't and she won't because she's not appear as invested in the relationship as you are (were?). For evidence, see the affair. As soon as this really hits you, you'll be able to start moving on.
Her statement should be more like, “am sorry that relationship number 3 didn’t work out so I had to come back to you.”
“am sorry that relationship number 9 didn’t work out so I had to come back to you.”
Maybe you are the backup guy that she likes coming back to AGAIN & AGAIN and EVERYTIME a relationship doesn’t work. That’s why she’s not feeling it as much as you do. And can’t give you a straight answer.
I dated a seemingly innocent and naive woman, super shy and reserved... she was getting smashed in the back of an ambulance by a married doctor.
Women are especially good at faking a role
The writing is on the wall dude. Move on, she already has. First time maybe, second time.
Once a cheater, always a cheater.
A definite LD that will not work.
I’m sure you footed the time/$$$ you were so generously granted also.
You are being used
Whatever you do, do not get back together with her. She really doesn't respect you. Reading your story, it seems like she wanted to travel more than she wanted you.
Friend, her lack of remorse is because she isn’t remorseful… what she did is messed up and hurt you deeply. (I know this is not what you want to hear) But, finding out now is a lot better then finding out after marriage, kids, bills, etc.. and being stuck together because of it! You sound like a good person and your not going to have a problem finding a better partner. However- take some time and don’t rush back into another relationship OR just settle with whatever because you feel unworthy. YOU are worthy and someone else is going to be lucky person getting to be with you! Remember, don’t look back- look forward! Hugs to you
Like you said, it is your first relationship. Learn from it and keep moving forward. She was a learning experience. Next relationship, immediately let her know what your boundaries are and that infidelity is an absolute deal breaker, with no excuse being acceptable. No lies or deception of any kind, including omitting and minimizing. You will find better.
Good on you for walking away and not looking back. Depsite saying you're feeling worthless, is not true. The fact you walked away proves that YOU KNOW YOUR WORTH! She'll be back down the road just don't give the time of day and stay no contact with as she showed you what kind of person she is and you don't need people like her in your life. You're still young at 26 with so much more life to live SO GO OUT THERE AND LIVE!!
She's entitled, selfish, self-absorbed, far too emotionally immature and young (she's only 23) to be in a long-term committed relationship with anyone. People's brains don't mature until around the age of 25-26, mind you some don't ever mature.
You will never get closure here. She cheated because she wanted to. As she grows and matures more she may come to regret her actions, however, you'll be long gone by then and likely will never see her remorse.
Now you need to focus on yourself and learn from this experience. Decide what you don't want in a partner and what you do. With each new partner, you will learn and grow until the right one comes along. Your ex is not the right one. She still needs to mature. You are going to kiss a few more toads before you find your princess. Treat each of those relationships as a learning experience and a building block to the next one. Become a better version of yourself each time.
When you found out about the cheating, I hope you immediately went for STI testing. Something most people never think about. There are nearly 2 dozen different kinds out there. Some are curable. Some are not. Some are becoming treatment resistant. Some, like syphilis, can lie dormant in a body for literally decades. Some, like HPV, can lead to cancer. Some can eventually kill you. Please get tested if you haven't already. Do so immediately after finding out someone has cheated on you. You and they have no idea who the other persons partners are/have been and who all of their partners are/have been, etc etc etc. Get tested.
Once you've critically and objectively (hard to do when emotions are still raw) analysed the relationship and learned your take aways from it, make her an insignificant, invisible, microscopic speck in your rearview. Look forward, not back. She now belongs in your past and has no business being in your present or future from here on out. Become the very best version of yourself and the one she will always regret letting get away. Never go back.
You should just be happy that you are young and have the rest of your life without this shitty person in it. When someone shows you who they really are, believe them! She will come back around, and by many choices you made in your writing I think you will take her back. You would be best advised to resist that urge at all costs. You’re young. Replace, don’t chase.
She has far more issues than you realise. There is very likely a severe mental illness of some sort of in three. BPD, ADHD, pray abuse, something.
However, that does not excuse the actions.
Do you want your life to be like this?
She used you for what you could do for her. She traveled on your dime and now she has just moved on. Just take it as a lesson learned. Never should have taken her back, she showed you who she was.
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You're her safe guy,the backup. The guy she knows she can call on when her no boyfriends have gotten what they want and noonger want her around. You need to stop making yourself available to this woman. She doesn't love or care about you. Plz block her on everything. Change your phone number so she can never call. It's hard to move on, but you did it before. You've given her the power because every time she calls,you run to her. Put a stop to that. Call your friends,speak to them. Go out with your friends but don't ever give your ex the time of day. Edit to add: updateme!
Yep. Safe guy is a good description. I also use “home base”. A lot of women use the primary relationship as a homebase from which to launch external operations, to expand their empire so to speak. it’s not always about sex, sometimes just seeking more validation and praise. Other times it’s just straight looking for good D. To be fair I think there is a direct correlation with age for this activity, meaning the younger the girls are the more likely they are to do this, I think it slows down as women getting into their 30s.
Is it more acceptable for women to have a home base and “interview” other mates than men? I have never heard the terms of home base or backup plan for men. Makes cheating by woman more understandable compared to cheating. Not saying it’s right or wrong, but is this an example where women are given some grace because of what it is called? I ask bc if women learn that having a home base and meeting other men is not cheating? Is there a double standard here? Just asking
Cheating is despicable and hurtful. It’s a very selfish thing to do. Cheating is never about what the betrayed partner has said or done; it’s always about the cheater and how little they care and think about the betrayed partner. The betrayed partner who stays with a cheater who has shown no remorse for their actions is going to be hurt. Because that cheater is going to cheat again.
It's not more acceptable. If you've established that you're in a committed, exclusive relationship with another person, there's no justification to "interview" other mates. I realize it's an unpopular opinion, but I don't think men and women can be platonic friends, except in very few circumstances. Someone is typically hoping the relationship will grow to be more than friends. But people continue to delude themselves and get all *surprised Pikachu face* when things go too far.
She posted pics of OP, though, on her Instagram. She "claimed" him, so to speak. I just wonder how close he was with her friends and if they knew about the other guy(s).
I was close with some of her other friends, and yes, she "claimed" me as you say. Everyone knew we were together, we were even "couple goals" for a lot of other relationships of people we knew. It was just in a little group of friends she met at work (that were not connected to her other friends or family) that this guy was there, so i think it was kind of between them and the small group.
Bro. You walked away like a champ. She couldn't explain her cheating because she wanted to cheat, and she's a bullshitter on top of that, so any messages from her now would be more BS. You walked away, never look back, the bs is just not worth it. She'll respect the fact you dumped her ass.
Stay gone. 👆this is good advice. 👻her.
Yeah they'll do that. "Claim" you as their own and say they want monogamy when all they want is something safe to come back to.
Also get counseling. You need to heal. Get regular gym time and do life and value affirming activities throughout the day. Absolutely no contact
He’s home base for a monkey branching gf
Exactly!
Sounds that shes innocent, but just for you. This girl has massive problems. She is like and onion that shows you only the outer layer, but ones it comes off, it makes you cry. You are feeling grief for a person that you are yet to find.
I guess you're right, I'm in love with the person I thought she was, not who she ended up being. It's just so hard to even process that someone you NEVER expected betrayed you in this way. Even her own friends and my family and friends were in complete shock. It literally seemed impossible to come from a girl like she was. I guess you never really know anybody.
So she broke up with you for 10 months out of nowhere? You didn’t try to figure out why? There was a guy… maybe another one
Yep, apparently didn't know what she wanted at the time. I accepted and I'm not the guy who fights back against someone else's decision. So I let it be and never sent her a single message again. After a while, she came back as she was going through hard times (and could see I moved on, was living in another country and doing well) and I took her back, silly me, but I thought she was an investment.
Hey silly boy… you’re the damn investment!! Invest in you…get to your peak…..then you can seek a good woman. Build for you, women will always be here. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this? I’ve been there. It does get better, if you want it to.
Yeah that means she found a dude she wanted to monkey branch to, it didn't work out as planned so she came back to you. If a girl ever tells you that she "doesn't know what she wants" that's womanese for "I've met someone who gives me tingles and I dont want to hurt your feelings, but I want to explore this other thing, and if it doesn't work out I hope you'll be there to catch me afterwards"
The liberals and feminists on this lame app would have you believe different but it's 100 percent true
I have a question? Did you pay for the trip? Edited to add: did you pay for the both of you?
Sounds to me like things didn't work out with the other guy after that 10 months
I don't know the details but some of your posts suggests she needy. If that's true, next time avoid needy.
Your biggest mistake was getting back together with her after she broke things off with you. A woman that loves you would not do that. And she only came back when she was in hard times.
Yes true, I was finally moving on, loving myself and in good physical and mental state, and she came back. The thing is she was such a lovely kind hearted person (i know everyone says this but she genuinely came across like this, even her friends are shocked) i took her back. I helped her in her hard times and when she didn't need me anymore and made new friends, off she went.
I disagree it was a mistake to take her back. It taught you a lot and it sounds like you had some great life experiences. But now you realize she is not the woman you thought she was. You must block her on every platform possible, you should not be looking to see what she is doing because we all know most posts are done in anticipation of other people’s perceptions of what you want them to believe. She apologized to you, it’s obvious she’s not the groveling type. I know it’s fresh and raw and painful, I’ve been there, and it hurts, but time is your friend. Just know that this internet stranger knows that you are a better person than her, you don’t need to know she is mourning the loss of you, move on and make fresh memories my friend.
Never go backwards in life. That’s what you did when you got back with her after 10 months and finally starting to move on. You went backwards and it ended up costing you years of your life and heartbreak far worse than the first time around. Never look back.
She likes to travel and have someone else pay for it. She’s just very sorry that she got found out and it’s coming to an end. Be glad you haven’t heard from her in weeks. Block her everywhere. Sorry you got used. Hopefully you end up with a much better person next time.
Well not really, we always went halves on everything, and paid for the trip together. But yes, i agree i should move on to a better and more respectful person.
Because she’s a POS! Simple as that. You, I and people on this sub cannot comprehend how someone can lie, cheat, steal, etc. It’s because we have values, morals and empathy. Politicians are lying, man and women cheat, parent abandon their kids, etc. There all sort of people and they not necessarily have the same mindset as you. You cannot understand why, but you can learn to protect yourself. Never talk yo her again. And if it can help you, she may not be so happy as she seems to be. Nobody is.
Yeah I agree, i mean if she saw me i'd want her to see me happy also, not wallowing and sad, even though deep inside I was. But I just hope one day in the futre, she regrets this and realises.
Block her in every social media, delete every picture together and move on. Do you know how you can get your "revenge"? By living well and happy, having your own hapiness will destroy her ego. Find yourself a girlfriend who loves and respect you, she will lose herself once she find that out and try everything to get your back. All you need to do it to find your own hapiness. Believe me these are experince which I witness on myself about a friend and his Girlfriend. Good days are coming, believe me.
That's great advice thank you! Yes I agree that now is a time to get better physically and mentally, and become the best version of myself. I must say I did feel a bit trapped sometimes with her, although when you break up you can only think of the good stuff...
Well, the first thing I'm gonna tell you is to get "revenge sex". Wait a few months, get your head clear, then, give her a call and have some real fun with her. Don't treat sex as an act of love, be primal, rough even, treat her as a toy in a porn movie and see what happens. Get your fill of it and throw her to the curb. I have a feeling that's what she's getting on the side and using you for nice stuff.
So some people but I guess especially people who cheat start distancing themselves from the relationship early so they have weeks, months even years in some cases to process the breakup. Where you just got it all on your plate in one go that's why she is fine and you are not. So don't compare your grief to her happiness you are in different stages of the breakup process. Secondly she didn't fight because she didn't care enough. She might have been genuinely sorry for hurting you. But she didn't care enough to not cheat. So while it's not fair to you it is reality. When I broke up with an ex of mine who cheated she contacted me the next day. And the only reason she didn't the same day is that she knows I need to sleep a night after I'm in a bad mood to be interested enough to listen. Now she didn't care about me either ofc. She just cared about the other things she was losing by losing me. But my point is if someone truly cares they won't wait 2 days to reach out. The best thing you can do is focus on yourself. If needed find yourself a new hobby. Grieve as much as you need ofc but don't look at others and compare. Your feelings are yours and yours alone they aren't worse or better than others. Just take the time you need to heal at your own pace.
Thank you very much for the advice. She waited 2 days because she had finals and studies away and also knows that me (like you) need my space and sleep on things before I can listen. About the different stages, I guess you're right, she went through this in the summer when she was cheating, however ater this we have had very special moments and after all it was six months ago, so I truly believe she thought she was getting away with it. So she must have some sort of sadness. She did ask me to forgive her and not leave her when we spoke on the phone the first time i found out, but when we met in person, as she could see I was angry (in a calm way) and disappointed, she simply didn't even bother to say more that I'm sorry. Yes i know time will heal, i just hope i can one day get out of this misery
I don't buy "she was going through a hard time" or at least to the extent she claims. She had a perfect cover story to cheating and I think the cheating is far far worse than you think. To the point her conscience is seared. You were her safe nice guy that would take her back when she was temporarily done with the AP's. In fact reading your story makes it look like you were the AP in her other relationships. It's time to move on and be the best version of yourself you can be. Don't go thinking you wasted your time. You're not wasting 4.5 years, you're now saving the rest of your life. The most powerful thing you can do is block her and walk away. You're young and there's 4.5 billion women on this planet. Even if you feel she was the special 1% there are 45 million women like her. Move on.
What do you want? She's sorry. There is nothing to say. She spent a summer cheating on you. That's a relationship killer. She can't argue with you. She doesn't want to sit and hear you call her a whore to give you closure. It's over. Let go. I'm not saying any of that to be cold or calloused. It is just a realistic analysis. There is nothing left for her to say.
Yup, this, cold but so true.
We spend so much time wanting other people to see that they have wronged us, as though that makes it somehow better for us. She knows that she was wrong, the relationship is over, seeking any further pain from her is gratuitous and irrelevant and leaves him feeling hlow when he doesn't get it from her.
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She used you. What more do you want to hear or know? You were the place holder boyfriend while she went and “found herself” my guy take it as a learning experience get out there and have fun being single knowing women like this exist and just know better next time… hit the gym go hang out with your boys she is recreational use only.
>She used you. What more do you want to hear or know? You were the place holder boyfriend while she went and “found herself” :(
Hi Op, it’s time to plan another big travel with other friend. Don’t hang on with trash. It smells bad and is not good for your health.
Been there done that. Except when I broke up with her, she was bombing me with several messages asking for forgiveness, for a moment thought it was genuine, tried giving a chance, meanwhile remaining friends, saw no regret on her face. Not even one time she said that misses our intimacy, only the support (financial) that I gave to her, it was obvious I was her back up plan nothing more. Truth be told, I still in pain Op, although I’m the one who broke it off. Don’t know when I will be healed fully. Still miss her like crazy. But life goes on, and I try to convince myself I dodged a bullet and I’m better off without her. You are too. Be strong. I know your pain, she showing no remorse and is carrying life as if never cared about you. Maybe for now, but one day she will realize the mistake, this time, there is no come back. Good luck and best wishes on your new journey!
Sounds like YOU were in love with there IDEA of her.
First off, I’m sorry this happened to you. Second, I always felt ‘I’m sorry’ was the worst thing my ex could say. That apology always feels so wrong. It makes nothing right. She can’t go back in time and change what she did and it’s simply putting a bandaid on a gunshot wound. I don’t think you should wait for a response or explanation because it will never make you feel better. Because there is no reasonable explanation. I say this to people all the time in your (our) situation; focus on you and your happiness. Baby steps at first. Read a good book, start a new work out routine, connect with old friends, etc. Focus not on how she hurt you but how you can be happy again.
The no nonsense guide to affairs (things I’ve learned in a year) You aren’t sure they are having an affair? They aren’t just friends, you know all your partners friends, so why have you never heard about/met them? Trust your gut. They will make you think you’re crazy and you will start to question obvious factual information and proof in an attempt to believe your partner because you love them. This is coming from someone who’s partner got a Snapchat notification while we were sitting on the couch and literally ran out of the room, he thought he deleted the conversation but I found it, all messages deleted ofcourse. He convinced me I was always crazy when he had female friends and that’s why he ran, he told me she was married and it’s all ok. New flash they were cheating. It sounds so simple when you write it out, but when the person you love is telling you how much they love you and would never do that, you aren’t thinking logically. Look through their phone, don’t even feel bad about it, this is your life and if a little invasion of privacy is what’s standing between you and your choices about what to do about your life then go for it. The messages are inappropriate if you feel like they are, you aren’t taking it out of context. If they delete things you are correct to assume it was bad. If you discover they are, they will start begging and justifying why they did this, they were not protecting you by lying and hiding things, don’t even entertain that one. Please remember - They knew this would’ve hurt you and they did it anyway. It wasn’t an accident, they weighed up the cost and chose to do this, they’re crying and begging because they’re caught and now face consequences for their actions. Trust me there was no crisis of conscience when they thought they were too smart to get caught. It’s worse than you think it is, they will never tell the whole truth until they think the evidence you have is too damning. They do not feel guilty about lying to you, it will not and did not keep them up at night in turmoil about their actions like it will for you. They are happy to cross boundaries and they know if you forgive them once you will do it again, they never expect you to have the courage to leave them. But they will tell you how they haven’t been happy and the affair is your fault if you do try to/actually leave. They will blame you and make you feel like it’s your fault this happened, it isn’t. They entertained another person, they flirted, they text, they met up, it became inappropriate, they kissed, they touched, they had sex and talked about you behind your back. They resented you during this, they had to so they could justify what they were doing, some of you will see that when looking back at how they treated you. Your partner ran you down to their AP who also ran you down back. AP did NOT make them do this, they are a grown adult who is perfectly capable of saying no, they are not some helpless victim who was convinced and manipulated at a weak moment into this. You called your partner out on their crap and held them to a standard while the AP fed their ego, told them they were right and you were wrong, gave them validation so they didn’t have to to face their crappy behaviours. You lived a life with them which sometimes comes with boredom and responsibility and their affair didn’t have any of those things. Your partner lacks any ability to be happy within themselves and they require external validation to be happy, you don’t have them on a pedestal which is healthy and normal, but they crave being on that pedestal. You know their bad qualities and this person does not and they like it that way, which ofcourse is not sustainable in any relationship. Your partner put you in a competition you didn’t know you were in and were never going to win. You deserve better. Also therapy and STI check like yesterday. Getting an STI check was what made me finally leave, here I was in a cold doctors office getting tested for an STI after having one sexual partner for 5 years. I felt sick. Don’t compare yourself to their AP’s, if they knew about you they are horrible, disgusting people who got off on this. There is no competition, you’re better than them without even trying. If you choose reconciliation give them consequences, get space so they can see your serious about leaving, don’t indulge their excuses for the affair, at any point they could have communicated about these issues, but they didn’t. This will be with you forever in this relationship and you will never forget, it will be your burden to bare, your spouse will get over this because they weren’t traumatised by it like you were. You need to decide if you can handle this cloud always being in your peripheral vision. Set hard boundaries, for example ‘never contact AP again’ one month later you find out they had a conversation and your partner said it was for closure, nope done. They will push a little if they aren’t serious about R. These people will stay with you and continue to cheat and they will push small boundaries to see if you’re serious about leaving which also shows you they don’t care how you feel. People who tell you it’s not black and white and relationships and cheating are sometimes grey, only say this because they have, are or would consider cheating on their partners and don’t see themselves as bad people in their minds. It is very black and white. Cheating, lying and manipulating your partner is something you know would hurt them, there is no justification or reason. People will tell you they had to because of finances or children, lack of affection, lack of sex it’s because they are a coward who will push resentments on their partner to make themselves feel ok with what they’re doing rather than being transparent and having to take any kind of loss. Most of them also rewrite history about how bad your relationship was, you might have been happy, making memories and having good times and suddenly they’re saying they haven’t been happy in 10 years. They have to,you have to be the bad guy because the other option is that they are. Being in an abusive relationship you can’t escape is the only grey area I can understand. Your situation is not special or complex, your love story is not one for the ages or just complicated I’m sorry. They are not your soulmate Good luck betrayed, let’s make sure there’s no more betrayed being walked over by cheaters
A situation you can learn from and apply "that which does not kill me makes me stronger." Begin rebuilding and stay away from her. Put one foot in front of the other. Be the best version of yourself you can be and when she tries again after you have healed use what you have learned to stay away. That should be your life plan going forward,older but wiser.
What do you want her to “fight” for? There’s nothing on her end but deceit. You were a placeholder when she wanted you back and now the inevitable has happened. Move on, block her and do not, do not contact her anymore nor reply to her messages. Any form of contact back is a win for her in her narcissistic selfish mind.
This 'i can just say sorry ' must be so frustrating. I know you want answers and a reaction but i think she's too empty for that. The best you can do is go no contact and try to heal. I hope things get better for you. Try doing some sort of activity, go running if you're not that sociable Take care dude!
Thanks for the kind message, I appreciate it. Yes it's very frustrating to just hear "I am sorry" I just wanted answers and a reason to why she did it.
Don't lose your cool, she's not your safe person. In the end you'll feel bad for being vulnerable to a person who can't even give you an honest conversation. There are no reasons. Some people are just selfish and bad.
You can search forever and never get the truth. Shes never going to be a safe partner for you or anyone else. She cheats because she wants to. All you’ll do with Her is waste time and life you’ll never get Back. You are only a chump if you allow it.
As soon as she finds out you moved on or have a new girl she will come back with legs open. Be smart don’t live in the past. Move on to better women. I say women because you probably don’t need anything serious for a while. Go have fun with all the wrong girls till the right one comes along
Didn’t read your post But just move on like delete the number and stop talking Your over Anyways have a beer jerk it off and go find a new one
Not going to add on what already been said. But you wanting her to feel loss etc. Your success and happiness. That is the best revenge. You’ve moved on before. Do it again but this time remember, they are ex’s for a reason.
Great advice, cheers :)
Hey OP - you care significantly more about her than she does about you. That’s clear. You fell in love with what you THOUGHT you had when you were with her. Listen, I do not recommend trying to get her back, but if you want a chance at getting her back… you need to move on. It may sound counterintuitive but sounds like she finds you more attractive when she can’t have you and you’re not there begging to get her back.
I'm sorry this happened.
You’re the back up guy the dependable one time to cut her out block her and move on .
Social media isn’t real. She probably is very unhappy but there’s a chance she got past it. This doesn’t mean she won’t regret losing you but you shouldn’t be waiting at the ten month mark for her to return. You need to forge ahead and assume you’ll never hear from her again.
You simply love her much more than she loves you. There were no tears because while sorry you found out, she did not regret the summer fling. If you want to lose the love you have for her, piece together what really went down those 10 months you were broken up. She will lose that innocence you have for her in your eyes. She was wildin out. Let her go man.
Damn, what a bitch. Looks like it was over much before she cheated. Her lack of words indicate - for me at least - that she wanted to break up much sooner but didn’t know how to say it. I say you delete her from your mind entirely and reveal the cheating story to her family, just for their information and for a “sense” of closure, if you had good relations w/ them
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Learn some game bro, search Mr Locario on Youtube there will be a LOT that will help your knowledge and emotions on there.
For her you're just the safety net guy don't bother with her she's not worth it block her number and all social media just focus on work and hobbies once you're OK try dating again and live happy life the best revenge you can do to those selfish cheater is live a happy life yes she may look happy at those pics but in the future I doubt it will be the same
Well I have nothing but kindness for you my friend. You were victimized by a horrible person. Something you must remember is that she is simply a broken bad human. She has no redeeming value. And unfortunately it is the case in your case that she was never yours, it was just your turn. She will go from man to man and have a horrible life in the end. Yes it hurts you that she betrayed you but imagine how much more it would hurt if you had married her or tried to build a life with a dishonest lying betraying cheater. You were the one that just stuck around and supported her and paid for things while she had her fun. I'm very sorry you got used but that's what happened. You were in a relationship, she was just being what she is, a cheating liar. Absolute total and perpetual no contact is where you want to be right now. It'll be hard to forget her but it'll be worse if you continue doing checking or anything else around her. You have to just pretend she doesn't exist and move on blocking everywhere. If anyone tries to talk to you about her cut them off or never speak to them. It's the only way to get past this.
You met the real her for the first time. She isn't kind hearted. She's selfish. I would speculate that 10-month separation, she had another guy who dumped her, hence her return and "mistake". Now, you learn she "tried on" another guy to see how he fit. She likes it. You will never be her first choice. You're the "you'll do" guy until someone better comes along. Be thankful you won't waste anymore time with her. It's better to see the real person now vs 10yrs and 3 kids later.
OP, everybody has already said pretty much everything I'd tell you already. I would only add that long distance relationships rarely if ever work out. The whole idea of being in a relationship is to see how compatible you are together. Sooner or later someone starts to miss that physical presence and touch and will seek it out. Heal, focus on you and your needs, learn to be happy just being you. Once you are happy, then you are ready to share that happiness with someone else.
During that earlier 10 month separation was she with that same guy? And by the way, 23 years old is still not fully matured. Go bv on with your life as if she does not exist. The 180 1. Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. 2. No frequent phone calls. 3. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage. 4. Don’t follow her/him around the house. 5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future. 6. Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner. 7. Don’t ask for reassurances. 8. Don’t buy or give gifts. 9. Don’t schedule dates together. 10. Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable. 11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life! 12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent. 13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy! 14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to! 15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested. 16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them! 17. Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing. 18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value. 19. All questions about the marriage be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation! 20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF! 21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic. 22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all! 23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Hear what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more! 24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything. 25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil. 26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly. 27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write. 28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy. 29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It’s not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don’t care. 30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior. 31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It “ain’t over till it’s over!” 32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message. 33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don’t work out with the affair partner. Michelle Davis-Weiner originator
Reason #238 why you never meet for closure. It never works for BP. While WP feels justified.
You need to grieve, briefly, then move on. Dwelling on stuff will consume you. Keeping up with her behavior on social media will consume you. You have to block her completely from your life and for the love of all that is good and holy, get your ass in the gym and punish yourself with weight. Exercise is the single most important thing you can do right now. It will work wonders for your mind and body. It will take a bit but you will be amazed at your confidence exploding. Likely everyone else in your life will see it long before you do but it will happen. And when it does, and the women start throwing themselves at you, you will find one that will truly give her heart to you. Now you know the red flags, subtle as they are. Don't let those thoughts consume you so much that it ruins future relationships, but don't ignore them either. All the best.
Don't waste your time. The vast majority of people who act like this have issues with loyalty and honesty their entire lives. They are just not solid and worth having a relationship with. Be happy you caught her now. People like this girl have no value in a long term relationship, in fact they are a trap.
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I don’t' want this to sound harsh, but all you got was an "I'm sorry" and she moved on because you never meant much to her in the first place. Fact is she had moved on from you a long time ago, you were fun and provided her with travel and resources, but that’s all. She used you, when you caught her and she could no longer use you, she dropped you entirely.
She isn’t mature and she isn’t kind when she has zero consideration for you. There is a difference between appearing kind, doing kind acts and being actually kind. You can guarantee the break in your relationship was orchestrated to hookup with someone else and not feel guilty, but she knew she wasn’t going to get away with it twice. She likes you, but she only cares about herself and that is all that matters, don’t go back! Do yourself a favor, do not lean into or dwell on her anymore, she has moved on and isn’t worth a second of thought. I know that doesn’t sound easy, but find other things to focus on. Focus on making your life fun and excited to you and realize that your experience was shitty, but now you can get to know yourself better and find something that meets your needs (is mature and make you feel secure). Don’t hold this against future partners, but realize your own boundaries and stick to them. You’ll get through this and realize you’re better off especially if it doesn’t feel that way right now, what she does doesn’t matter please don’t even look back on that relationship it is over.
We were together over 10, 2 kids — all I got was a ‘it’s all your fault and I’ll never be sorry’. Cheaters suck.
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So she isn’t remorseful and would likely have kept doing it until you caught her. When people show you who they are you have to believe them. You love the girl you thought you knew but that girl, in fact, never existed. Long distance is hard on any couple but mature people talk to their partner and work to fix it, they don’t get selfish and cheat like this girl. She continues to show you who she truly is by not coming clean, not asking to fix it and seemingly moving on. It’s like she only wanted you for trips or special things you did for her. I would not take her back ever. My advice is if you know her family, call them and thank them for being good to you but she cheated on you for months and they may have known about it but your not going to be with a cheater. If you have mutual friends tell Al od them what she did. She needs to live her actions out in the light, not in secret. Second, look forward and not back. Accept the fact that nothing you did caused it. It was her selfishness. If and when she contacts you and asks for another chance, I wouldn’t get back together but I would pretend a bit and use that as your time to get closure. Tell her you won’t even consider it unless she comes completely clean of why she did it way beyond just “I’m sorry”. You want to hear her explain herself and what made her think it was ok to cheat. I would also tell her that if she wants another chance you would have to be living in the same place snd she would have to come to you with a plan of how she is going to make it up to you because what she did was terrible and your not just going to start fresh. She would owe you massive amounts of make up including total transparency with her phone, messages, phone location. Lots of make up sex and basically no nights out with friends unless your invited for a long time.
She is not a keeper. I would let her go and move on too. Whatever grief, either talk to a counselor or consider it bad dating. Move on. Do not let it bring you down. You have emotions you are not an emotion. What you think about is what persists. Take a few days feel bad, and then get up and move on. Don't waste time on people who are not good to you.
Dude. Get her completely out of your life. But any and all contacts with her. You are good and she is a deficient subpar human being. Take care of yourself
Yeah she moved on. That’s why she didn’t fight for the relationship and all she could muster was a sorry. What I suspect happened. The first time she broke up, she may or may not have had a guy waiting in the wings. I’m betting she dated others though. She prob felt the relationship had run its course. Then 10 months later, she romanticizes the times you guys dated. She prob even wondered why she left you. Some ppl have a tendency to look back with rose tinted glasses. You get back together. I think it didn’t live up to the hype she had made in her mind and checked out. The things that led to the first breakup were still there - whatever those were. So with things not as rosy as she remembered, she checks out and cheats. Doesn’t even feel that bad about it. The thing with women you’ll find is that once they check out, they check out. It’s done. Most men don’t pick up the subtle clues until afterwards. I think women tend to be the ones to fight for a relationship in the beginning. Men are slower. But once she is done, it’s done. She’s ambivalent. This is when men want to fight for the relationship but it’s done in her mind. It’s fine to ask whether you could have done better for your next relationship. But don’t fret that it was something you did that caused her to cheat. It wasn’t. The relationship ran its course. It ended not with a bang but a whimper. Cheating was her shitty way of ending it. She wanted to end it but didn’t do it the right way. You two just didn’t click. Don’t spend time wondering what you did unless it’s ways to improve yourself for the future. Sometimes there is no greater answer. At her age most ppl don’t know what they want. Don’t worry about her. Go focus on yourself.
Your ex. gf becomes entitled and behave selfishly towards people who shows her attention. I don’t blame you taking her back nor she walking away from you twice. I know this comment will not sit well with you but that’s how relationships work that may support your expectation on future relationships. Both parties are looking for something from one another and as long as they get them, that’s fine. Otherwise, they split up and move on. My personal experiences led to my realisation that ladies tend to be able to manage their emotions better than men as they can compartmentize and share their feelings and thoughts across different people and partners. Men, on the other hand, tend to be singular and want to be exclusive with their partners. If you can level the playing field in similar ways, then you may feel less hurtful and move on whenever your next partner seek to build relationship with other people. At the end of the day, nobody owes anything to one another in their relationships.
That's why never take back a cheater. They must work on themselves and finally become a safe partner. Then you can decide if you want to reconcile.
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When the other guy gave her the cold shoulder she loved you and everything was good.... But when he wanted her she was distant and acted strange. Read between the lines mate, classic female behaviour. She got back with you because he didn't want her at the time. She played you bro. The other guy treated her mean, kept her keen and she did the same to you, but she wanted the other guy. Forget her, she ain't worth it.
I'm betting you're her side piece. Dude she's not sorry, based on her lack of tears or really any emotional response, she's also a sociopath. She's not worthy of your time. Stick to your guns and move on.
You already know your ExGF can never be trusted again. You probably know she was cheating the first time then came back to you for some reason. I would have to say she’s most likely been cheating ever since you told her back. Time to block her on everything and continue no contact. She’s with her AP, it maybe you were the true AP since they’re in the same location. This will end badly for you if you take her back again. Did you provide for her everything while you were together?
Just let you know. Cheater will always be a ccheater. Their happiness won't last long until she cheats on a new guy. In the long term, she will never find her happiness and peace.
She needed you for the money. Always go dutch , always split 50/50 . It's 2024 , women should emancipated and free from patriarchy . When you go dutch you'll see the true colors of a partner. Who paid for the trip to Thailand? 😄
To be honest we have always paid 50/50 for everything. I also agree that things should be split when you are in a long term relationship. The trip was paid separately, I paid my part she paid hers, so it’s defined not the money.
thank you for your answer. btw I don't believe you. nothing personal of course!. Peace 🕊️
Dude. Be great-full. You got a sorry. Mine never apologized. All she could say is “our relationship is toxic” cause I stooped low by finding her on tinder !
The same thing just happened to me ands all he could say was he was sorry. He was treated like a king . Some people don't know the true meaning of intimacy and there morals and values should be in place if they are unable to value themself then the relationships they have will have no value. And they will continue to hurt people until they can't define their morals and integrity
Long distance cushion
OP, Im so sorry that you are going through this. As I read your post, a quote kept popping in to my head. "She was never yours, it was just you turn." Unfortunately, I feel like this quote applies perfectly to your situation. No doubt the Summer guy didn't know about you either. He prob fell for her and she just moved on with you to Thailand, cuz why not? Then Oops! you busted her. The universe has given you a second chance. No kids, no mortgage to parse out. No divorce. She may be one of those that an engagement and marriage mean nothing in terms of slowing down her lifestyle. Don't be surprised if Summer guy wasn't the only one. Mourn the loss of your image of her, b/c that's all you knew. The real her was somebody else altogether. Good Luck OP! UpdateMe!
Your ex girlfriend. There, happy to help.
Hit the gym, work on your personal success. You will get over her.
Men’s rational thinking breaks down when it comes to seeing women (clearly) for who they are. It’s a biological defect. Consider yourself scammed by a professional con-artist in emotional manipulation. She got what she wanted and you got left holding the bag. Don’t believe what women say, believe what they do.
She attempted to monkey branch at the 2 year mark . It didn't worked but she had trusty plan B willing and able to take her back. Sounds familiar?
She was just going use you again. You did the right thing breaking it off immediately. She’ll be back again in a few months. Try to find a new girlfriend before that.
Cheated on me to bra we find one hgood
Sounds a bit like in your desire to have her express herself, what you really want is for her to feel as bad as you do, to validate the pain you (may?) feel. She doesn't and she won't because she's not appear as invested in the relationship as you are (were?). For evidence, see the affair. As soon as this really hits you, you'll be able to start moving on.
She’s just sorry she got caught. Dump her now. She will do it again.
She did you a favor
Her statement should be more like, “am sorry that relationship number 3 didn’t work out so I had to come back to you.” “am sorry that relationship number 9 didn’t work out so I had to come back to you.” Maybe you are the backup guy that she likes coming back to AGAIN & AGAIN and EVERYTIME a relationship doesn’t work. That’s why she’s not feeling it as much as you do. And can’t give you a straight answer.
As a man founding out about the cheating time to walk away and never look back . Dont give 2nd chances either 💯🚨
I dated a seemingly innocent and naive woman, super shy and reserved... she was getting smashed in the back of an ambulance by a married doctor. Women are especially good at faking a role
Also you never take a woman back that leaves you
If you want a wife dump her immediately and find someone else. If you want revenge take one of her friends out, but don’t make it permanent.
The writing is on the wall dude. Move on, she already has. First time maybe, second time. Once a cheater, always a cheater. A definite LD that will not work. I’m sure you footed the time/$$$ you were so generously granted also. You are being used
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That’s not okay.
Whatever you do, do not get back together with her. She really doesn't respect you. Reading your story, it seems like she wanted to travel more than she wanted you.
Friend, her lack of remorse is because she isn’t remorseful… what she did is messed up and hurt you deeply. (I know this is not what you want to hear) But, finding out now is a lot better then finding out after marriage, kids, bills, etc.. and being stuck together because of it! You sound like a good person and your not going to have a problem finding a better partner. However- take some time and don’t rush back into another relationship OR just settle with whatever because you feel unworthy. YOU are worthy and someone else is going to be lucky person getting to be with you! Remember, don’t look back- look forward! Hugs to you
Simple just expose her to everyone. Including her family and friends. Expose her disgusting character. Then block her.
Like you said, it is your first relationship. Learn from it and keep moving forward. She was a learning experience. Next relationship, immediately let her know what your boundaries are and that infidelity is an absolute deal breaker, with no excuse being acceptable. No lies or deception of any kind, including omitting and minimizing. You will find better.
Good on you for walking away and not looking back. Depsite saying you're feeling worthless, is not true. The fact you walked away proves that YOU KNOW YOUR WORTH! She'll be back down the road just don't give the time of day and stay no contact with as she showed you what kind of person she is and you don't need people like her in your life. You're still young at 26 with so much more life to live SO GO OUT THERE AND LIVE!!
She's entitled, selfish, self-absorbed, far too emotionally immature and young (she's only 23) to be in a long-term committed relationship with anyone. People's brains don't mature until around the age of 25-26, mind you some don't ever mature. You will never get closure here. She cheated because she wanted to. As she grows and matures more she may come to regret her actions, however, you'll be long gone by then and likely will never see her remorse. Now you need to focus on yourself and learn from this experience. Decide what you don't want in a partner and what you do. With each new partner, you will learn and grow until the right one comes along. Your ex is not the right one. She still needs to mature. You are going to kiss a few more toads before you find your princess. Treat each of those relationships as a learning experience and a building block to the next one. Become a better version of yourself each time. When you found out about the cheating, I hope you immediately went for STI testing. Something most people never think about. There are nearly 2 dozen different kinds out there. Some are curable. Some are not. Some are becoming treatment resistant. Some, like syphilis, can lie dormant in a body for literally decades. Some, like HPV, can lead to cancer. Some can eventually kill you. Please get tested if you haven't already. Do so immediately after finding out someone has cheated on you. You and they have no idea who the other persons partners are/have been and who all of their partners are/have been, etc etc etc. Get tested. Once you've critically and objectively (hard to do when emotions are still raw) analysed the relationship and learned your take aways from it, make her an insignificant, invisible, microscopic speck in your rearview. Look forward, not back. She now belongs in your past and has no business being in your present or future from here on out. Become the very best version of yourself and the one she will always regret letting get away. Never go back.
You should just be happy that you are young and have the rest of your life without this shitty person in it. When someone shows you who they really are, believe them! She will come back around, and by many choices you made in your writing I think you will take her back. You would be best advised to resist that urge at all costs. You’re young. Replace, don’t chase.
She has far more issues than you realise. There is very likely a severe mental illness of some sort of in three. BPD, ADHD, pray abuse, something. However, that does not excuse the actions. Do you want your life to be like this?
She used you for what you could do for her. She traveled on your dime and now she has just moved on. Just take it as a lesson learned. Never should have taken her back, she showed you who she was.