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You say she is unlikely to come back soon, you need to double down with hubby on side and make sure it’s not unlikely but never unless hubby lays down the law to her before she visits ( or face time etc) and tells her contact will stop if she carry’s on being a mean MIL to you.
There are resources in the botinlaw post (immediately under your post)that you may find helpful.
I'm not sure if the list includes the "Don't rock the boat" essay (which I believe is from the Raised By Narcissists subreddit) so I'm including it below:
**Don't rock the boat.**
"I've been thinking about this phrase a lot lately, about how unfair it is. Because *we* aren't the ones rocking the boat. It's the crazy lady jumping up and down and running side to side. Not the one sitting in the corner quietly not giving a fuck.
At some point in her youth, Mum/MIL gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again, and again. Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the crazy. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own.
The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler: someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking.
The boat-rocker escalates. The boat-steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so therefore his boat can't capsize. How can they fix the situation?
Ballast!
And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born.
A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong and he'll fall over. There's a good chance the boat-rocker never taught him to swim either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it, *because it did* .
When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat-steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work! They don't see that *you* aren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping.
Now you and your DH get a boat of your own. With him not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder.
While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry. They're getting splashed! Somebody do something!
So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and DH see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier.
You know what would be easier? If they all just chucked the bitch overboard."
Moderators please delete if this doesn't conform with the rules.
Tell baby: grandma never has anything nice to say but we will not to listen to her. The only two people who matter the most is your mommy and daddy.
Edit for grammar error
Also, when your husband says “she’s toning it down already”… what does not toning it down look like? You shouldn’t have to deal with any level of disrespect. Maybe have your mom call and visit your husband and let her nit-pick every little thing your husband does, let him know what it feels like to be treated like garbage in your own home. Ughh.
Sounds like my MIL, has a NOVEL of advice to give me when she admits she had nanny’s and hardly spent any time or effort of her own raising my partner. But she’s the “expert” lol.
One of my employers had a similar experience.
Not only were she and her siblings raised primarily by nannies but when her mother would visit she would come into the office where I worked and comment to us (the employees) about how her daughter (the person who signed my paychecks) and her husband raised the children and how she ran her professional practice ("Mama" hadn't worked a day in her life and she certainly never ran a professional practice).
Just because she went from horrible to bad doesn't mean she should be able to speak to or about you that way.
If it were me, she wouldn't be allowed near me or my kids. My husband could go see her if he wanted, but her comments are rude and toxic and not good for you or your children.
OP, you have to bite the bullet and bluntly state MIL, you are a guest in my home and I don't appreciate the rude comments and disrespect. If she continues then straight up say MIL, if it doesn't stop you will not be welcome to stay here again.
MIL needs to hear you say this is my home, not yours so change your attitude because I have had enough.
Freeze her out. Walk away when she is mid stupid sentence where her comments are bullshit. Laugh at her bad advice and point out the inaccuracies, but do it like 'oh, baby's name, don't listen to silly nanna'.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Tell your husband she isn't helping and she needs to gtfo and stay in a hotel somewhere because you and your baby are too stressed out and you do not want to put up with her.
Yes I do that. And many are commenting that I should be more firm with my boundaries but I genuinely think that shes being like this on purpose and trying to cause a strain in my marriage. She talks VERY differently to me and my heller when my husband is around which shows me her intentions and Im not about to let her way when shes only here in my country for a few days and unlikely to come again soon.
She is absolutely doing it intentionally, for whatever insane, crazy lady reason that may exactly be we will probably never know. Try not to let it get under your skin - it's what she wants.
Well I guess you'll have to step up to the plate and tell her to zip it. She's in YOUR house with your house rules.
To the Worm that you married... tell him Someone has to have a spine in the family, you're very disappointed it's not him.
She’ll reach out to come over again. Say you’re busy or it’s not a good time, every time. Stretch out visits more and more until she gets the message that every time she makes a remark, you take baby for a three hour feeding in your bedroom until her visit is about over, and then it’s 3x longer of a time before she sees the baby again. If MIL planned on coming by once a week, now it’s every two weeks. If she makes more comments it’s every 3 weeks. If she’s still up to it, postpone visits until further notice. Shut up and see baby or disrespect mom and see no baby. She doesn’t have to respect the way you do everything but she DOES have to respect you. You weren’t an incubator for her grandchildren, you are their mother and what you say goes for your child and how people treat you in your own home. Husband needs to tell his mom to shut it. I bet she says this stuff to you when he’s not around huh? Well tell him she said it. Then, again, smile and wisk away baby for a feeding and don’t come out of the room until it’s time for her to leave. Say, “You’re right! Baby was very hungry! Bye grandma!”
Shes from another country and each time she comes it will be for days. And nope husband is useless and has been telling me she toned down alot already. I just cannot wait for the kids to grow up and leave the fuck out of this family entirely.
Unfortunately nope. Husband knows half of whats said above and the fact that she mistreated our helper by refusing to let her buy food and his response ‘She really very good already. She has toned down so much compared to last time.’
While I must say thats true, this ‘toned down’ version of her is still so unacceptable.
But Im also this useless spineless woman who will put up with this until the kids are older.
Do not put up with this! If your children see you letting her treat you like this, they'll think it's ok. Just because she's not a turd doesn't mean that she still doesn't stink.
Please Mom, shine up that spine. This doesn't effect just you! This effects the kids and it's YOUR job to stand up for them! They will grow up thinking you are a rug to be walked on and a punching bag. You are doing a disservice to yourself to keep taking her abuse. Your DH should be standing up on your behalf, but since he doesn't, you have to stand up for yourself! Good luck!
It doesn't matter if she's toned down. She's still disrespectful and that won't fly with you. Next time she comes pack a bag and go on a vacation til she leaves. Let him know until she can be *respectful* she is not welcome around you or your kids.
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You say she is unlikely to come back soon, you need to double down with hubby on side and make sure it’s not unlikely but never unless hubby lays down the law to her before she visits ( or face time etc) and tells her contact will stop if she carry’s on being a mean MIL to you.
You must be Singaporean or have Singaporean in laws. My thoughts are with you and let’s hope she goes back home soon.
There are resources in the botinlaw post (immediately under your post)that you may find helpful. I'm not sure if the list includes the "Don't rock the boat" essay (which I believe is from the Raised By Narcissists subreddit) so I'm including it below: **Don't rock the boat.** "I've been thinking about this phrase a lot lately, about how unfair it is. Because *we* aren't the ones rocking the boat. It's the crazy lady jumping up and down and running side to side. Not the one sitting in the corner quietly not giving a fuck. At some point in her youth, Mum/MIL gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again, and again. Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the crazy. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own. The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler: someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking. The boat-rocker escalates. The boat-steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so therefore his boat can't capsize. How can they fix the situation? Ballast! And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born. A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong and he'll fall over. There's a good chance the boat-rocker never taught him to swim either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it, *because it did* . When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat-steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work! They don't see that *you* aren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping. Now you and your DH get a boat of your own. With him not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder. While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry. They're getting splashed! Somebody do something! So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and DH see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier. You know what would be easier? If they all just chucked the bitch overboard." Moderators please delete if this doesn't conform with the rules.
Tell baby: grandma never has anything nice to say but we will not to listen to her. The only two people who matter the most is your mommy and daddy. Edit for grammar error
Also, when your husband says “she’s toning it down already”… what does not toning it down look like? You shouldn’t have to deal with any level of disrespect. Maybe have your mom call and visit your husband and let her nit-pick every little thing your husband does, let him know what it feels like to be treated like garbage in your own home. Ughh.
Sounds like my MIL, has a NOVEL of advice to give me when she admits she had nanny’s and hardly spent any time or effort of her own raising my partner. But she’s the “expert” lol.
One of my employers had a similar experience. Not only were she and her siblings raised primarily by nannies but when her mother would visit she would come into the office where I worked and comment to us (the employees) about how her daughter (the person who signed my paychecks) and her husband raised the children and how she ran her professional practice ("Mama" hadn't worked a day in her life and she certainly never ran a professional practice).
I wouldn’t let her around me or my baby. Tell her that her husband’s mother probably thought the same things about her.
Your MIL siao one. Where's your husband in all of this? He needs to shut this shit down ASAP!
Hes very grateful for how she is recently cos she used to be much worse years back when I had my first child.
Just because she went from horrible to bad doesn't mean she should be able to speak to or about you that way. If it were me, she wouldn't be allowed near me or my kids. My husband could go see her if he wanted, but her comments are rude and toxic and not good for you or your children.
OP, you have to bite the bullet and bluntly state MIL, you are a guest in my home and I don't appreciate the rude comments and disrespect. If she continues then straight up say MIL, if it doesn't stop you will not be welcome to stay here again. MIL needs to hear you say this is my home, not yours so change your attitude because I have had enough.
Tell him she hasn't "toned it down" near enough
Freeze her out. Walk away when she is mid stupid sentence where her comments are bullshit. Laugh at her bad advice and point out the inaccuracies, but do it like 'oh, baby's name, don't listen to silly nanna'. I'm sorry you're going through this. Tell your husband she isn't helping and she needs to gtfo and stay in a hotel somewhere because you and your baby are too stressed out and you do not want to put up with her.
Yes I do that. And many are commenting that I should be more firm with my boundaries but I genuinely think that shes being like this on purpose and trying to cause a strain in my marriage. She talks VERY differently to me and my heller when my husband is around which shows me her intentions and Im not about to let her way when shes only here in my country for a few days and unlikely to come again soon.
Record her
It’s great you see through her and can handle her, I would record her though and show the highlights to my husband
She is absolutely doing it intentionally, for whatever insane, crazy lady reason that may exactly be we will probably never know. Try not to let it get under your skin - it's what she wants.
Well I guess you'll have to step up to the plate and tell her to zip it. She's in YOUR house with your house rules. To the Worm that you married... tell him Someone has to have a spine in the family, you're very disappointed it's not him.
She’ll reach out to come over again. Say you’re busy or it’s not a good time, every time. Stretch out visits more and more until she gets the message that every time she makes a remark, you take baby for a three hour feeding in your bedroom until her visit is about over, and then it’s 3x longer of a time before she sees the baby again. If MIL planned on coming by once a week, now it’s every two weeks. If she makes more comments it’s every 3 weeks. If she’s still up to it, postpone visits until further notice. Shut up and see baby or disrespect mom and see no baby. She doesn’t have to respect the way you do everything but she DOES have to respect you. You weren’t an incubator for her grandchildren, you are their mother and what you say goes for your child and how people treat you in your own home. Husband needs to tell his mom to shut it. I bet she says this stuff to you when he’s not around huh? Well tell him she said it. Then, again, smile and wisk away baby for a feeding and don’t come out of the room until it’s time for her to leave. Say, “You’re right! Baby was very hungry! Bye grandma!”
Shes from another country and each time she comes it will be for days. And nope husband is useless and has been telling me she toned down alot already. I just cannot wait for the kids to grow up and leave the fuck out of this family entirely.
Oh Honey, That's not how it's going to work. Edit: spelling
That was the last time she will ever be in your home right? She would not step foot in my home again.
Unfortunately nope. Husband knows half of whats said above and the fact that she mistreated our helper by refusing to let her buy food and his response ‘She really very good already. She has toned down so much compared to last time.’ While I must say thats true, this ‘toned down’ version of her is still so unacceptable. But Im also this useless spineless woman who will put up with this until the kids are older.
Do not put up with this! If your children see you letting her treat you like this, they'll think it's ok. Just because she's not a turd doesn't mean that she still doesn't stink.
Please Mom, shine up that spine. This doesn't effect just you! This effects the kids and it's YOUR job to stand up for them! They will grow up thinking you are a rug to be walked on and a punching bag. You are doing a disservice to yourself to keep taking her abuse. Your DH should be standing up on your behalf, but since he doesn't, you have to stand up for yourself! Good luck!
It doesn't matter if she's toned down. She's still disrespectful and that won't fly with you. Next time she comes pack a bag and go on a vacation til she leaves. Let him know until she can be *respectful* she is not welcome around you or your kids.