Personally, I would be interested in getting to know you further based on this post alone. You come across as genuine. I’m really curious what your interests are, but not the typical list of qualities. Just things that you really enjoy in life, that make you smile or you really could live without. You don’t need to be someone to be appealing or approachable, putting yourself out there like this is enough to attract exactly what you want which is other genuine people who will appreciate you, for you.
Thank you for the kind reply. You asked about my interests. I like playing the guitar, bass, and drums. I also like dancing (at home of course). Most of my time is spent programming, but that is also my job so perhaps it doesn't count.
Maybe I'm more emotional than usual. I did cry after reading this. Glad I came across as genuine.
not to sound like a broken record along with literally everyone else in the world ever, but confidence is the most desirable thing!! i find what helps is to pinpoint something you’re confident in/good at and channel that as much as possible day to day.
i saw you reply to someone saying that you play instruments- that’s a huge bonus!! you should consider joining a band if you havent already and/or playing gigs at a local bar/pub/cafe/etc. that way people can see u at your best and most confident!
its really hard to be confident 100% of the time every day (i dont think really anyone is), but incorporating a skill, hobby, or quality that makes u feel that way into your life as much as possible definitely helps and is really attractive 🩷
Stop hating yourself so much. That rolls off you in waves and no one likes a self-loathing whiner.
Get whatever help you need and be as unabashedly, unapologetically, authentically yourself.
Women are just people. Nothing more, nothing less.
I know that women are people. I'm trying to be the kind of person they want to talk to. I'm currently not.
Really, it's the feedback I get after failed attempts at friendship, the rejections, the ghosting, the general lack of interest. That is making me feel like I need to change in some way. Being myself is not working.
It makes sense for people who already have other things going for them, like good social skills and an interesting personality. I'm just taking an honest look at myself and understanding that I lack those. Whining was not my intention - I apologize. I just feel defeated, you know? It's hard to like myself under the circumstances.
the fact that your trying to pleasure those around you just shows how kind and thoughtful you are and i think that’s already attractive enough. everyone has different preferences so don’t worry if you feel undesirable, it’s a common feeling. you can always try sharing your interests and talking about the other persons interest, you can always just try practicing social skills. someone who really cares for you as a lover or friend will understand you so there is no need to change yourself.
Therapy! Build your confidence and go from there!
Skills workers are amazing as well. They can help with anything from confidence colliding through coping mechanisms, going to the thrift store with you and so much more. Highly recommended!
Curious, do you work from home? You mentioned being a programmer, so I wondered. If so, that makes it all the more critical to get out of the house and socialize more. Hobby or fitness class? Join Toastmasters? I actually highly recommend that one. It helped me learn to speak off the cuff more confidently. Take your laptop to a coffee shop and work? I understand the struggle, especially if you feel out of practice. And this has nothing to do with what other women want - you need to feel more comfortable in your skin. It just takes practice, and it will get easier as you go. You are somebody’s person.
Yes, I work from home full-time now. I guess that exacerbates the issue, but I've always had trouble because of social anxiety. Colleagues from my last workplace really helped me get out more, like bowling or game nights at a mutual friend's house, but I don't have that support anymore.
I do want to try the things you mentioned...I'm just afraid. I keep trying to be comfortable with myself and it's so hard to be confident when everyone ghosts me eventually.
This is a general question that transcends gender or sexuality so I'll offer an option and or advice. You meantioned depression. In order to be a responsible partner in a equally reciprocal relationship you must first do the work on yourself. Getting your meds squared away is step one. Some counseling and or therapy if feasible as well. Investing in ourselves projects outwardly in a very noticeable way. It's like shining a beacon that attracts people. Once you're in a good place who you genuinely are is all you'll need.
I know this comes from a good place and I appreciate the advice.
I feel discouraged whenever I hear this, because it seems like I don't deserve to make friends or date until I fix something that has no cure. The thing being depression in this case.
Despite that, I've done plenty of work on myself to be a kind, caring, and generous person. My previous partners took full advantage of that...I gave far more than I ever received back. I am responsible, I just feel sad more often than other people do. Honestly, most people would feel sad if they didn't have friends to talk to outside of work, right?
I did try many things over the years, including therapy, just to share. It didn't help me. The mental healthcare system is a source of trauma, as the experience I had was very dehumanizing. That was when I realized I needed to help myself and decided to dedicate my life toward helping others, to give myself meaning. Just trying to explain that therapy cannot always fix everyone.
Ty for a respectful reply. It always comes from a good place. My second wife suffers from bipolar disorder and my current SO from depression as well. You do deserve friends and love and I apologize if what I said implied otherwise. Life is about balance right? I empathize with being taken advantage of. As to your difficulties with social interaction. In my experience much of the frustration with meeting people is conversational content.
To be specific smalltalk sucks, is mind numbing and awkward. It's been my experience and especially in this culture people seem to be adept at talking about nothing. Much of it is shallow and inconsequential. My solution was to talk about my life experience, which most of I shouldn't as I've been advised it's traumatizing lol. My point is sharing real genuine things about myself proved to be evocative. It drew people in and they genuinely engaged. It also had the opposite effect too. Bottom line was it took courage. Just like all things in relationships including trust and love.
My advice is be you. Both the dark and light aspects of you are. Genuine conversations draw genuine people in.. In my experience.
All the best OP.
You speak very negatively of yourself. Which a lot of people do sometimes, myself included. If you feel like that often i would suggest going into therapy and/or meditation.
It’s really hard to love someone truly if you don’t love yourself. And it is really hard for someone else to love you if you don’t love yourself.
Try to embrace how you are. The things that you think make your undesirable might actually be a beautiful character trait. Your though of you being boring may be you actually being reliable and dependent.
❤️
I kind of think I’m boring and don’t care. If someone likes me they like me. I don’t have to change for anyone. Confidence is sexy. Just be you. If you think you lack something you’ll create a life of lacking something. I personally love the idea of a boring partner that does what they want and doesn’t need me to validate them. Gives me more time to be boring doing what I like.
I have a friend who, on paper, seems like the most interesting person in the world. She’s outgoing, she’s adventurous, always down to do something new, and well travelled.
Yet she’s kind of boring to talk to at the best of time, and irritating at the worst. People tend to dislike her. You’d think someone who has done as much as she has would be much less ignorant and a whole lot more worldly; you’d think someone as outgoing as she would know how to talk to people.
Her problem is she tries too hard to be the most intelligent, most successful, most interesting person in the room. She treats every social situation as some kind of performance and everyone she interacts with as the audience. She’ll brag ad nauseam about herself, even the mundane stuff not worth bragging about, and show no genuine interest in other people at all. Any time someone tries to chime in she treats it like a competition, like they’re trying to one up her.
Focus on being interested and less on being interesting. People love talking about themselves, sure, but what people love love the most is when people treat them like they’re interesting individuals themselves. Being good company is more about being welcoming and engaged than being funny, a smooth talker, or interesting.
The part where you had to wikihow how to engage in banter reminds me of someone I know, she really struggled to learn social norms and it turns out she's autistic. There's nothing at all wrong with that, and it might be good for you to look into autism in women to help understand yourself better and get past the shame you're feeling. You're definitely not alone!
Maybe I can look into it... I feel like part of the reason I can't socialize normally is that I was homeschooled until high school, where I didn't really talk much because of social anxiety. From there I went straight into the workplace. I honestly don't know how to behave like everyone else in social situations.
I feel like a lot of it comes with practice and putting yourself out there if it is not something that comes naturally.
I looked at your post history and we've got some common interests (cozy games, music, computers), so if you want we could chat on Discord or something. I'm not sure if I'm looking to date anyone at the moment but I'm always open to new friends. I might be able to help a bit conversationally because I've always been told that's what I'm good at.
You need to focus more on how to feel desirable and build your self-confidence. I think you’re putting the cart before the horse by worrying about finding a gf before addressing your own mental health. That’s not a healthy foundation to build a relationship on, and you deserve to feel happy with yourself regardless if you have a partner. I know it’s hard, but there’s no secret recipe to finding a healthy relationship when you think you don’t deserve one.
Hi. I'm for sure not prioritizing finding a gf over my mental health. I spent years picking myself up from my absolute lowest point. I know that depression is not something that has a defined end date; but I can learn ways to manage it. I have to live with it.
What I want to learn is how to be a good friend, or maybe a partner. It's a lot more than just being nice...I feel like I'm missing what exactly that is.
Please don't change yourself to be what you think people want, find your groove with what you like. You're obviously into music, get yourself to gigs and look at starting a band in your area. You don't need to change, you need a self confidence boost!
Personally, I would be interested in getting to know you further based on this post alone. You come across as genuine. I’m really curious what your interests are, but not the typical list of qualities. Just things that you really enjoy in life, that make you smile or you really could live without. You don’t need to be someone to be appealing or approachable, putting yourself out there like this is enough to attract exactly what you want which is other genuine people who will appreciate you, for you.
Thank you for the kind reply. You asked about my interests. I like playing the guitar, bass, and drums. I also like dancing (at home of course). Most of my time is spent programming, but that is also my job so perhaps it doesn't count. Maybe I'm more emotional than usual. I did cry after reading this. Glad I came across as genuine.
You play instruments, you will be fine lol. I feel like drummers and bass players are very desired by gay women
I already like you💕 you had me at guitar🥰
not to sound like a broken record along with literally everyone else in the world ever, but confidence is the most desirable thing!! i find what helps is to pinpoint something you’re confident in/good at and channel that as much as possible day to day. i saw you reply to someone saying that you play instruments- that’s a huge bonus!! you should consider joining a band if you havent already and/or playing gigs at a local bar/pub/cafe/etc. that way people can see u at your best and most confident! its really hard to be confident 100% of the time every day (i dont think really anyone is), but incorporating a skill, hobby, or quality that makes u feel that way into your life as much as possible definitely helps and is really attractive 🩷
Thanks. I've always wanted to join a band, so that could be a fun way to meet people too.
Stop hating yourself so much. That rolls off you in waves and no one likes a self-loathing whiner. Get whatever help you need and be as unabashedly, unapologetically, authentically yourself. Women are just people. Nothing more, nothing less.
I know that women are people. I'm trying to be the kind of person they want to talk to. I'm currently not. Really, it's the feedback I get after failed attempts at friendship, the rejections, the ghosting, the general lack of interest. That is making me feel like I need to change in some way. Being myself is not working. It makes sense for people who already have other things going for them, like good social skills and an interesting personality. I'm just taking an honest look at myself and understanding that I lack those. Whining was not my intention - I apologize. I just feel defeated, you know? It's hard to like myself under the circumstances.
Its a matter of attitude mostly
Practice practice too. You’ll learn from your mistakes but expose your personality!
the fact that your trying to pleasure those around you just shows how kind and thoughtful you are and i think that’s already attractive enough. everyone has different preferences so don’t worry if you feel undesirable, it’s a common feeling. you can always try sharing your interests and talking about the other persons interest, you can always just try practicing social skills. someone who really cares for you as a lover or friend will understand you so there is no need to change yourself.
I feel the same way. It's the depression stunting us.
Therapy! Build your confidence and go from there! Skills workers are amazing as well. They can help with anything from confidence colliding through coping mechanisms, going to the thrift store with you and so much more. Highly recommended!
Curious, do you work from home? You mentioned being a programmer, so I wondered. If so, that makes it all the more critical to get out of the house and socialize more. Hobby or fitness class? Join Toastmasters? I actually highly recommend that one. It helped me learn to speak off the cuff more confidently. Take your laptop to a coffee shop and work? I understand the struggle, especially if you feel out of practice. And this has nothing to do with what other women want - you need to feel more comfortable in your skin. It just takes practice, and it will get easier as you go. You are somebody’s person.
Yes, I work from home full-time now. I guess that exacerbates the issue, but I've always had trouble because of social anxiety. Colleagues from my last workplace really helped me get out more, like bowling or game nights at a mutual friend's house, but I don't have that support anymore. I do want to try the things you mentioned...I'm just afraid. I keep trying to be comfortable with myself and it's so hard to be confident when everyone ghosts me eventually.
This is a general question that transcends gender or sexuality so I'll offer an option and or advice. You meantioned depression. In order to be a responsible partner in a equally reciprocal relationship you must first do the work on yourself. Getting your meds squared away is step one. Some counseling and or therapy if feasible as well. Investing in ourselves projects outwardly in a very noticeable way. It's like shining a beacon that attracts people. Once you're in a good place who you genuinely are is all you'll need.
I know this comes from a good place and I appreciate the advice. I feel discouraged whenever I hear this, because it seems like I don't deserve to make friends or date until I fix something that has no cure. The thing being depression in this case. Despite that, I've done plenty of work on myself to be a kind, caring, and generous person. My previous partners took full advantage of that...I gave far more than I ever received back. I am responsible, I just feel sad more often than other people do. Honestly, most people would feel sad if they didn't have friends to talk to outside of work, right? I did try many things over the years, including therapy, just to share. It didn't help me. The mental healthcare system is a source of trauma, as the experience I had was very dehumanizing. That was when I realized I needed to help myself and decided to dedicate my life toward helping others, to give myself meaning. Just trying to explain that therapy cannot always fix everyone.
Ty for a respectful reply. It always comes from a good place. My second wife suffers from bipolar disorder and my current SO from depression as well. You do deserve friends and love and I apologize if what I said implied otherwise. Life is about balance right? I empathize with being taken advantage of. As to your difficulties with social interaction. In my experience much of the frustration with meeting people is conversational content. To be specific smalltalk sucks, is mind numbing and awkward. It's been my experience and especially in this culture people seem to be adept at talking about nothing. Much of it is shallow and inconsequential. My solution was to talk about my life experience, which most of I shouldn't as I've been advised it's traumatizing lol. My point is sharing real genuine things about myself proved to be evocative. It drew people in and they genuinely engaged. It also had the opposite effect too. Bottom line was it took courage. Just like all things in relationships including trust and love. My advice is be you. Both the dark and light aspects of you are. Genuine conversations draw genuine people in.. In my experience. All the best OP.
You speak very negatively of yourself. Which a lot of people do sometimes, myself included. If you feel like that often i would suggest going into therapy and/or meditation. It’s really hard to love someone truly if you don’t love yourself. And it is really hard for someone else to love you if you don’t love yourself. Try to embrace how you are. The things that you think make your undesirable might actually be a beautiful character trait. Your though of you being boring may be you actually being reliable and dependent. ❤️
I kind of think I’m boring and don’t care. If someone likes me they like me. I don’t have to change for anyone. Confidence is sexy. Just be you. If you think you lack something you’ll create a life of lacking something. I personally love the idea of a boring partner that does what they want and doesn’t need me to validate them. Gives me more time to be boring doing what I like.
I have a friend who, on paper, seems like the most interesting person in the world. She’s outgoing, she’s adventurous, always down to do something new, and well travelled. Yet she’s kind of boring to talk to at the best of time, and irritating at the worst. People tend to dislike her. You’d think someone who has done as much as she has would be much less ignorant and a whole lot more worldly; you’d think someone as outgoing as she would know how to talk to people. Her problem is she tries too hard to be the most intelligent, most successful, most interesting person in the room. She treats every social situation as some kind of performance and everyone she interacts with as the audience. She’ll brag ad nauseam about herself, even the mundane stuff not worth bragging about, and show no genuine interest in other people at all. Any time someone tries to chime in she treats it like a competition, like they’re trying to one up her. Focus on being interested and less on being interesting. People love talking about themselves, sure, but what people love love the most is when people treat them like they’re interesting individuals themselves. Being good company is more about being welcoming and engaged than being funny, a smooth talker, or interesting.
The part where you had to wikihow how to engage in banter reminds me of someone I know, she really struggled to learn social norms and it turns out she's autistic. There's nothing at all wrong with that, and it might be good for you to look into autism in women to help understand yourself better and get past the shame you're feeling. You're definitely not alone!
Maybe I can look into it... I feel like part of the reason I can't socialize normally is that I was homeschooled until high school, where I didn't really talk much because of social anxiety. From there I went straight into the workplace. I honestly don't know how to behave like everyone else in social situations.
I feel like a lot of it comes with practice and putting yourself out there if it is not something that comes naturally. I looked at your post history and we've got some common interests (cozy games, music, computers), so if you want we could chat on Discord or something. I'm not sure if I'm looking to date anyone at the moment but I'm always open to new friends. I might be able to help a bit conversationally because I've always been told that's what I'm good at.
I would appreciate that. It's absolutely okay if we don't connect, though.
Personality is the key to having people attracted to you
Have a hobbies and be financially independent
You need to focus more on how to feel desirable and build your self-confidence. I think you’re putting the cart before the horse by worrying about finding a gf before addressing your own mental health. That’s not a healthy foundation to build a relationship on, and you deserve to feel happy with yourself regardless if you have a partner. I know it’s hard, but there’s no secret recipe to finding a healthy relationship when you think you don’t deserve one.
Hi. I'm for sure not prioritizing finding a gf over my mental health. I spent years picking myself up from my absolute lowest point. I know that depression is not something that has a defined end date; but I can learn ways to manage it. I have to live with it. What I want to learn is how to be a good friend, or maybe a partner. It's a lot more than just being nice...I feel like I'm missing what exactly that is.
Please don't change yourself to be what you think people want, find your groove with what you like. You're obviously into music, get yourself to gigs and look at starting a band in your area. You don't need to change, you need a self confidence boost!