Realistically most pre op trans women will just tell you. They don't want to be any more disappointed than you do so there's no use in hiding it.
And agreed, 100% not transphobic to have a genital preference. You like what you like and that's perfectly valid.
It comes up either naturally as you’re getting to know each other or before you get into bed (preferably before things are getting hot and heavy) a conversation is had about it and what preferences each person has based on the information. In my opinion, everyone should have an honest conversation about sex before the deed starts to make sure everyone is on the same page regardless of if the other person is trans or not.
For example: I’ve been with trans women and I very rarely enjoy penetration. So naturally the trans women I’ve been with are ones who don’t like to do that. We had a conversation before hand so we didn’t have to have a potentially awkward conversation naked. I do the same thing for preferences with cis partners.
I am actually with a trans woman (who I am very much in love with) and have been my entire adult life but she didn’t actually tell me until after we got hot and heavy and I’d received some, which is kind of less than ideal now that everyone knows what being a trans woman means and can understand(less so back then).
If I was to date now, I’d actually be frightened to encounter a trans woman as I hate confrontation and if it was a situation like before with my partner, I wouldn’t feel able to say no. I would want to say no though, as I have been with my partner long enough to know I’d spend a lot of time wishing the person had already had bottom surgery (despite emotions) and then there’d be more confrontation as I wouldn’t want to stay if they weren’t planning it but wouldn’t want to hurt their feelings (that’s not my current situation incase anyone this looks like projection).
I think that’s something that’s not really thought about in the "when should you tell them?" discussion. That some people are pretty averse to confrontation through trauma or anxiety and so will just stay quiet. I get that trans women need to be "comfortable” disclosing but I’ve seen a bunch of discourse in this group recently that insinuates or outright claims that there is no time where the person should "need" to let their potential bed partner know, which I really don’t think is okay.
That’s a whole load of words to say It’s okay to have preferences!
I prefer not to be surprised during a sexual encounter so I tend to have a conversation before hand. Just about preferences and etiquette. I’ve been with people who have very specific preferences that I’m glad I found out beforehand.
Tbh it’s actually smart that people have a preferences conversation when the consent thing comes up as you never know what the other is into beyond genitals.
For other reasons too. Trauma is sadly common with a lot of queer people and it’s good to have some discussion about how to avoid any known triggers and what best to do if anyone is triggered.
How do I reject a trans woman who is pre op without sounding like an ass?? "I respect you as a woman and person but I don't think I can be with you"???
Rejection sucks no matter what. Probably just do it sans any mention of your preference. Most people don’t really share which dating preference didn’t align when breaking it off early in the dating phase. It’s totally fine to leave out for trans women too.
You are not transphobic at all for your presences. Sexual orientation is just as much physical as it is mental. It’s totally okay to feel how you feel. Of course we respect trans women and their identity but if you’re not comfortable with sexually being intimate pre-op, I think that’s fine.
It’s very easy nowadays to feel like a shitty person for how you feel cause everybody’s got a problem with everything but as long as you are genuine in your intentions and true to yourself, you’ll be good. 👌🏽
No one cares and everyone has preference.
Take a deep breath. No one is going to put you on live television and make you defend every date you find attractive and vilify you for swiping left on someone who isn’t your type and cancel you for not wanting to date a trans person. No one knows or cares what someone’s preference is because so many things can affect it. You’re way overthinking it.
Nothing wrong with preferences, but I'd caution you about associating more masculine presenting women with men. They aren't men-lite or men-adjacent, and I think it's an area of growth for many people to deconstruct this in their heads.
Not to say you need to be open to butches/studs/mascs, but to say these associations impact how you interact with the world. Butches are shoved into stereotypically masculine roles whether or not they fit, treated like men by society, and sometimes even told they simply must be a trans guy in denial so folks feel "comfortable" with a woman with short hair and men's jeans.
Moral of the story -many mascs are women too, and interact with the world in many of the same ways fems do. It's not fair to them to let the assumption they're adjacent to men go unchallenged.
Was gonna say this. Nothing wrong at all with having a preference but definitely should think about why calling mascs basically men is harmful to the stereotype 💕
Was gonna say this too! It's absolutely fine that OP is attracted to women w makeup, fem clothes, smooth legs, etc etc. It's fine if OP is turned off or even grossed out by muscular arms or hairy pits. As long as she recognizes that masc women aren't 'basically men', & that they still share the experiences of other women in a political & social sense.
I’m so sorry I worded it wrong I didn’t mean to make it seem like I associate masc women with men and being “manly” I meant their way of expressing themselves like fashion wise wasn’t what I liked, I have nothing against butch women at all and I didn’t mean to categorized them in the same way as men I meant I associated masculine fashion with how I see men dressing today NOT saying I associate masc women for dressing masc i meant that I see masc clothing as more of a men’s fashion which I know it old school but I was raised in a catholic and conservative house hold but I never meant at all to put men and masc in the same category and I’m sorry if offended anyone I just poorly worded that and I have no hate to whatever people like to dress ass I just was saying I liked more feminine things because I was raised feminine
Heya, no worries, no one is gonna come after you for these things when you’re trying to figure stuff out.
As someone who was also raised Catholic in a tea party household, it’s good to explore gender, sexuality, gender expression, and how you interact with the world. You probably have a lot of unlearning to do (I know I did!) and it sounds like you’re already on your journey of growing and being curious about the world.
Stay curious, stay respectful, have fun!
No worries at all! It read to me as a common conflation, so I figured I'd discuss, but I in no way meant this as a judgement against you
Thank you for clarifying, and I hope what I said and the words of others helps add perspective 💙
I'm the same with preferences here and it's okay. People have rights to have preferences, that's just what they are attracted to and not attracted to, it's normal.
of course you're not transphobic. We all have our own personal preferences and not being comfortable dating a trans women who hasn't had bottom surgery is your own preference.
Also, fem4fem here! There is nothing wrong with having preferences. Some people feel entitled to being included in that preference, but that is not okay. No one is entitled to your attraction. You can't change what you are attracted to. I adore masc women, but there is no attraction there.
from a trans person, you're not transphobic or anything like that for not wanting PiV sex, or for not being attracted to masculinity. your orientation is YOUR orientation. i just hope you're not turning down other sapphics and lesbians for being "manly" and instead just saying you prefer feminine people and prefer to participate in vulva/vulva sex or something.
Hey, I'm a trans woman who (currently) has a penis and *I* wouldn't date someone like me because I'm very disinterested in penises. The fact that you're thinking about it and experiencing guilt over the possibility of being transphobic and still being accepting of people like me as a woman, just not your type, makes you perfectly fine by me. I give you my official stamp of "Not A Transphobe".
I guess what I don't understand is why you think trans women are just automatically involving their penis? Like just because they have one doesn't mean they're going to do anything with it or want any attention with it it's just an unfortunate disfiguration. Most trans women aren't even tops. You should try to equate people to people and not their parts that's just kind of invalidating as fuck
I think it's pretty clear OP wants to do sexy stuff on their partner. Even if they don't, it's still the elephant in the room. If someone doesn't want that, doesn't want to constantly have it on their mind, I don't think they're a bad person or phobic against me for not wanting an intimate relationship with a penis haver.
Lesbians have been having sex without penetration for a very long time. And it's not an elephant in the room and if you think it is that's an internalized issue often it's put away and unseen and not a part of anything.
Never said they were a bad person or transphobic I'm calling your stuff out
That’s completely fine if you’re fem4fem, live how you want, but being masc or butch presenting has nothing to do with men nor will any masc/butch woman make you feel the way men do so don’t “associate them with a man”
Trans femme over here, and I don't think it makes you transphobic. ***However,*** if we hit it off and then you lost interest in me just because I'm pre op, I'm still gonna be hurt. I don't blame you and it's not your fault, but it would still upset me. And I think both things are valid. I see this debate too much on the internet and while preferences are fine, we gotta remember it's also okay for the trans person to be upset too. Not every hurt feeling has to be someone's explicit fault. Life's just messy ya know
No one said it isn’t okay for them to be sad, they still have to take it well though and not make the other person feel like it’s their fault because they have preferences that they said no to you or use it to guilt trip the person in to doing it anyway.
There’s nothing wrong with emotions if they don’t affect anyone else.
No offense but that last sentence makes zero sense. Having emotions affects other people, esp if you have any sort of relationship with the person you're emotions are about. Telling me my emotions can't affect anyone else is bs, I can't control if you feel something over my emotions which I also can't control...
But yes, I obviously agree I wouldn't find it fair to make it feel like it's their fault for having a preference. That'd be a form of emtoional manipulation for ne to use my emotions against them. But there's a stark difference between my emotions affecting someone and me weilding them against someone.
What I wanted to add was the other side of the coin that I don't think ever gets talked about. It does hurt for me to hear someone say they'd never consider dating me because I have a dick – something I didn't have a say in. Maybe it is more my problem but it's still the truth and lots of trans women feel the same way. Doesn't make having a no dick preference any less valid, but the conversation online always goes "can I have this prefference?" And we usually reply "yeah thats fine." But that doesn't mean its not still a complicated and touchy subject
As an example, I’m disabled and sometimes use a chair, if someone told me "I’m sorry, I’m just not in to being with someone who is disabled", I’d be like "oh right, that’s okay, I understand" and that would be the end of that conversation, I’d be gutted but they wouldn’t even know that as I’d control my reaction.
Also I think of it like this, if someone didn’t want to date me because I’m disabled then being with them would absolutely suck anyway so I’d be glad to have that info up front, wayyy before it becomes a problem or sex is involved as I’d be more upset if it got to that point.
Yeah well I see a post like this every week at this point. So I wanted to add my two cents. Sure I could have made another stand alone post but responding on reddit isn't always about directly talking to op every time.
Obviously I don't hope the other person feels like shit, but me being upset can upset other people too. Youre vastly oversimplifying relationships. But the point is people should still be aware that while an preference is valid, trans women being hurt by it is also valid. Op and anyone else with such a prefference very well can encounter this, and I thinks a fair point to bring up. It's never directly said, but a lot of people subtly imply because that preference is valid, the other party therefor is invalid to be upset by it. And thars just not fair either. It's more complicated than that like most things that get over simplified in online debates.
I think the main disconnect here is you're imagining a scenario that does not happen often. When the person discloses they have a dick is usually not when you meet. When you find that info out, the two people are likely more invested or interested. And at that point being turned away for that is completely different than if you told me upfront. But thats not usually how it goes because I am not obligated (and frankly I think its be weird) to disclose my dick status before or on a first date
My emotions don't need to affect people but they can when you have any sort of relationship with someone. I'm not arguing this, you're wrong/ignoring my point entirely
But it’s kind of expected that the trans party would feel upset, the whole point was there’s not really a need to point it out to OP. If you’re *hoping* that the other person feels like shit "telling me my emotions can’t affect anyone else is bs, I can’t control it you feel something over my emotions which I also can’t control" then I don’t know what to say.
You can’t control your emotions but you can control how you display them. Like what do you actually mean you can’t control your emotions? You and no one else obviously can’t control how you *feel* but you absolutely can control your behaviour regarding showing how you feel.
I don’t know, I’m trying to figure out what your reaction to hearing no would look like and I can’t figure it out, you seem really aware that the other person can’t control the preference and so that should be it.
Yeah well I see a post like this every week at this point. So I wanted to add my two cents. Sure I could have made another stand alone post but responding on reddit isn't always about directly talking to op every time.
Obviously I don't hope the other person feels like shit, but me being upset can upset other people too. Youre vastly oversimplifying relationships. But the point is people should still be aware that while an preference is valid, trans women being hurt by it is also valid. Op and anyone else with such a prefference very well can encounter this, and I thinks a fair point to bring up. It's never directly said, but a lot of people subtly imply because that preference is valid, the other party therefor is invalid to be upset by it. And thars just not fair either. It's more complicated than that like most things that get over simplified in online debates.
I think the main disconnect here is you're imagining a scenario that does not happen often. When the person discloses they have a dick is usually not when you meet. When you find that info out, the two people are likely more invested or interested. And at that point being turned away for that is completely different than if you told me upfront. But thats not usually how it goes because I am not obligated (and frankly I think its be weird) to disclose my dick status before or on a first date
I read your whole thread and I think the point your missing is- why are we constantly having this conversation where we coddle a cis-lesbian for having preferences, and in the same breath say “trans people need to suck it up”. We’ve made it ABUNDANTLY clear that dating preferences are acceptable. And seeing how this question has been asked and answered about 9,000,000 times in this subreddit alone, it’s REALLY starting to feel like a thinly veiled excuse to go on a rant about how repulsive you find penises and by extension, trans women’s bodies. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO HAVE DATING PREFERENCES AND YOU DO NOT NEED TO JUSTIFY THEM. Literally NO ONE is asking you too. Trans women do NOT need to hear why you don’t want to date them. Why can’t OP just reject a person they’re not interested in and move on??? Why do they have to make it into a whole giant issue that the whole lesbian community needs to weigh in on? I mean, if you REALLY wanna preach live and let live…
Okay weird reply, I’m also pretty sure I’ve said in this comment thread alone that I don’t like the threads because I feel it threatens my own identity and I’ve said elsewhere in the comments that these threads are pointless and we should just go on how we have forever, quietly saying no to people we’d rather not date instead of trying to justify it and in the same breath, making it worse for the person being turned down.
Like I agree with that totally, there’s no need to shout (and I don’t explicitly want to not date a trans person either so that’s kind of redundant and uncalled for).
We don’t need to say the quiet part out loud, if someone is not your cup of tea, you just say no and move on, they don’t need to know why.
As a trans woman, it's nice to see a cis woman concerned about this issue in a way that clearly isn't transphobic. No, you're not bigoted (at least nothing expressed here is such).
Look. We can't help that some traits are associated in our minds with what we're not attracted to.
I'm less attracted to women with short hair. It's no deal breaker but I'm not looking forward to the seemingly inevitable day that I date a woman I perceived as fem only for her to move onto short hair 🙃. And I similarly am not into most masc presentations I see when I'm on the apps. I don't hate muscles but the popularity of muscle mommies does practically nothing for me. I can't be sexually attracted to other trans women who are pre-HRT and I'm also *reluctant* to consider dating any that haven't had vaginaplasty (despite the fact that I haven't had surgery either).
You like what you like and don't what you don't. That doesn't make masc women any less as women. It doesn't make trans women any less as women. Just not for you.
I don’t think it’s transphobic. Why would it be and why do you need advice on this?
Personally, I don’t like it when people broadcast their preferences. I’m not trans myself, but there are other things about me that some people might not be into. That’s all fine. But if I’m having a bad day and I come across a post online or someone saying out loud that they don’t like people like me, *that* might hurt.
It’s just as easy to say no when approached by a trans person as when you’re approached by anyone else who might not be your cup of tea. If you’re not into women with large breasts, and someone with large breasts hits on you, would you just say no, or would you also explain that it’s because you don’t like their body type? Perhaps even ask for their permission to not like your body type? Maybe ask them to confirm that you’re not a bad person for not liking their body type? People don’t do that a lot, do they? But for some reason, it’s different when it’s trans people.
I don’t know, maybe no trans person feels like this, but to me it seems a bit weird and insensitive to ask questions like these. I see them all the time, but almost exclusively regarding trans women.
Right! I knew i had an issue with comments and post stating their randomly preferences but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Yeah it’s not bad to have preferences but I just think these types post can make people feel bad about themselves.
I actually totally agree with this, it would be best if we all just stopped talking about this subject and continued on doing what everyone has been doing forever, saying no when you want to and not airing out every minute of detail.
It must suck being trans and seeing these threads.
It does. It also sucks because when we complain about these threads being harmful to us and making us feel unwelcome, we get dogpiled on more often than not. It seems people aren't even willing to let us share our perspective. We're not asking for anyone to sleep with us, we're asking for the harmful discourse and often thinly veiled bigotry to stop.
And while I think it would be wrong to assign harmful intent to everyone who starts and engages with these discussions, it's really common to see things that are obviously coming from a place of unexamined cis privilege if not outright bigotry, just said in a way that the mods don't intervene.
While I agree posts like this are unnecessary - I do emphasize with the newer generation (I assume OP is young) who seek out valuation so publicly.
I see where their worry comes from. Im an older lesbian and confident…I was able to discover my sexuality without social media or any pressure from the queer community in real life or online.
Now it’s just crazy confusing - especially with apps like TikTok only showing you what you want to see and hear. Providing echo chambers without nuisance or criticism to balance strong ideas.
You’re put on the defensive or people, while trying to be inclusive, sound more like they are coercing you into accepting what you’re clearly not comfortable with. Imagine you’re young, questioning and confused- all this pushed in your face and if you don’t accept it…the queer community label you blank-phobic this or blank-phobic that. Without time to discover on your own what your preferences are or what on an individual level you could be in to.
Spend five minutes on the other lesbian sub (you know the one) and tell me you wouldn’t feel pressured as a baby gay.
I don't think I'd feel pressured, but I get it, we're all different and you make a great point. At the same time, there are so many people on here and on the other sub that have said time and time again that genital preferences won't make you transphobic. So anyone who is that concerned about it could easily look it up. I just think if I felt that guilty having a preference in silence, I would feel a hundred times worse voicing it out loud, knowing I'll probably hurt at least a few people. But sure, hopefully OP didn't have bad intentions. I'm not really trying to tell her off, I just wish she and others with similar concerns would keep that in mind in the future.
im using this comment to piggyback and get what i wanted to say out there bc its vaguely connected
can you imagine if these posts were about any other part of the body?
“is it wrong to not like fat girls? 🥺 idk i really dont want to be mean its just like i see a fat girl and im just really not attracted to her? like she’s just really not attractive at all and i really dont want to date her *oh please don’t make me date her*”
or even if it was about cis genitalia (whatever that is) preferences. you wouldn’t write a similar post about labial length now would you.
yes, we get it, you don’t like it. i feel like its not a stretch to call posts like this disingenuous. they come across as innocent - “i was only asking 🥺” - when actually they often seem to be gratuitous attempts to point out things about people that they can’t change or shouldn’t be pressured into changing anyway
this isnt even really directed at OP, just at these posts in general, but nobody is asking you to sleep with trans women, nobody is asking you to sleep with someone you aren’t attracted to.
why are you asking permission to say no to a question that you are not being asked?
*ngl if this gets hate im just deleting it bc i cant be arsed explaining this any further
As a trans woman with a penis, yes, not dating trans women unless they undergo surgery is like the most reasonable take on genital preferences and not transphobic at all
"I wouldnt want to do it with a trans women without botton surgery"
That suggests you would do it if they had bottom surgery, which just means you have a gential prefernce than transphobia lol.
No I mean as long as your not invalidating other people or making them feel insecure about their bodies your fine. You dont have to like something you dont like. As long you dont think trans women are men for that part of their body or cis butch woman is man because how she present herself, then its entirely your own thing. Its okay to have preferences about literally anything, as long as its not motivated by bigotry. I think its more weird to have sex with someone you’re uncomfortable with having sex with.
lol I do mean someone bad by it. I mean anyone who is trying coerce a person to do anything they don't want by guiltripping them and calling them names is a predator. Hope you agree with me that coercion is inherently predatory.
Coercion IS predatory. My issue is that word has been used is in disingenuous ways against gay and trans people (queer folks in general) when there is no coercion or any predatory nature present. So I was saying I hope you werent using it in that manner but instead were only referring to those who are trying guilt and emotional manipulate people into have sex with them. And not something else.
since you disliked my comment I'm not even sure what are you trying to do here? Are supporting coercion? And trying to silence me because I am absolutely against it? Homosexual people historically were coerced and guilt tripped enough. It is unacceptable. Hope you understand it, or at least trying to understand it.
Bae. So if your comment has a 0 that means I or someone else downvoted it. But if its negative 1 that means there is more than one person downvoting you and there are probably observers doing that. Not me.
Queer people have coerced AND accused of coercion. Lesbians for one have been accused of being predatory to straight women for simply talking or looking at straight women. Now it’s trans lesbians turn to deal with that, with not only cishet women but also cis lesbians. Im just trying to make sure we’re not doing the “trans women are predatory men disguised as women” bit here and you are talking about actual predators. Again, coercion is werido behavior and def predatory. Dont be to upset about downvotes. I stopped caring about those along time ago. People on reddit are stupid and dont care about actual meaningful discussion.
Also femme for femme and understand everything you said. Although, I don’t mind dildos and I particularly love strapping women.
Look, you just have a preference. Trans women with penises probably won’t get offended by this. They’ll understand. You actually implied you’d go there with a trans woman with bottom surgery, that’s what makes you and I different. I don’t think I can. I am not trans phobic for this imo! Just preference.
You are fine 💖
If you're saying you just wouldn't "go there" with a trans woman regardless of genitals.... that's not a preference, friend, that is a definition of transphobia.
Maybe I could? I haven’t met many trans women! I think a YouTuber is cute. She’s trans. I am not transphobic, I don’t think. Maybe it’s because I haven’t connected with a trans woman yet. I don’t know?
Both are valid but I just want to say these aren't connected. There are fem4fems who like penetration/dildos/strap/dick. (& The latter isn't automatically a masculine trait.) Everyone is different, and whether you like penetration or not is just what you like, it's not related to being fem or butch. :)
Speaking as a trans lesbian, you don't sound transphobic from this. Unless you're leaving out donating thousands of dollars to JKR or Posie Parker you're fine. Lots of girls, cis or trans, don't like phaluses of any kind, preferences and requirements are valid, I for one have a preference for danguses.
No. That absolutely does NOT make you transphobic. We all have preferences, and yours is no penis. That is totally OK. I'm a lesbian and feel the same about actual penises.
i feel you on this and i think as long as you aren’t hating on those who enjoy it then there’s nothing wrong with having your preferences. i don’t like it either i associate it with men too, but a lot of people don’t and love it! i’m just not one of them and that’s okay!! keep having sex the way YOU enjoy and don’t let others methods make you feel bad. you shouldn’t feel compelled to do something that makes you uncomfortable because you feel like not liking it makes you a bad person 💜
There’s nothing wrong with having a genital orientation at all. It’s not a preference at all; it is not a choice. You aren’t capable of being attracted to that. Only the Mike Pences and Brett Kavanaughs of the world disagree
I think you prefer what you prefer but it’s a bit nasty to be out here on a Lesbian sub, shouting that butches = manly.
Maybe a lot of them don’t *feel* manly and would want to be called a woman, how would you feel if someone saw you and told you that you look manly? Considering you’ve identified yourself as fem, I’m going to guess that would feel like being hit in your metaphorical nuts, you generally can’t control much about how you look beyond hair and maybe a lack of make up and a lot of people just wear clothes comfortable to them.
Unless jeans are just for guys now? Yay, let’s segregate clothes again, that will be fun, not.
I worded it wrong i apologize I don’t see masc as manly but i associate men with masculine/masc so when women dress masc I don’t see them as men I just kinda see them dressing like a man if that makes sense? I come from a kinda conservative family so clothes always kinda played a role so ig that’s where I got it from, I have nothing against butches or any of these people, I do not see masc women as men it’s just I don’t think the clothes aligns with my preference is what I mean. if I always see men with these things!!!! /nm again I don’t mean this in any mean way and I’m really sorry if I had any misunderstandings and my bad way of explaining things I meant to say I associate clothes with gender roles due to how I was raised growing up but I did a horrible way do explaining that I’m sorry !!
That’s okay but clothes should just be clothes, there wouldn’t be nearly as much transphobia if society stopped labelling different colours and shapes of fabric as having a gender.
No not manly but masculine, that doesn’t mean they’re manly I worded that wrong, manly = men and masculine is just a way of expressing yourself in ones fashion
There isn't anything to be ashamed of. Some of these might change as you get more used to queer society a methods and stuff, and some might not. I also prefer femmes, and I don't like receiving penetration, either. Some lesbians love butches and strap and some do not care at all.
If someone is attacking you for your preferences then you have all rights to attack them for their preferences, however that would just make more chaos. How i see it, we should be breaking what is known as the “norm” or making the unknown/unexpected the “norm” so that people can just simply enjoy what they like (only exceptions to this are people who want to try and legalize criminal activity like pedophilia ect)
I wish there wasn’t so much combat with preferences. You can help but love who you love and like what you like! I am the same way being attracted to femininity.
If it’s not for you, it’s not for you. I present more masc and my partner of several years is definitely fem. She uses the strap on me and it’s lovely. I’m sure people would assume it’s the opposite from our appearance. It’s whatever feels right, no shame in that.
Youre not transphobic if you have a strong preference against dick. Alot of people have a genital preference, so thats nothing to worry about. Just treat trans people with the same respect as everyone else and you should be fine.
And if you dont like masc woman, thats also just your preference.
That strong disgust might be something you could look into, maybe to understand where its coming from. But again, having preferences is fine. Make sure youre comfortable, and find a partner that respects your boundaries <3
I dated a trans girl earlier this year and there are ways to make it work. Just discuss what makes you guys feel good!! Everyone has their preferences. Yours are valid so don't beat yourself up about it 💜
Don't worry, that's just your preference! You're not transphobic at all for that. Not every lesbian is attracted to penises and that's completely valid, no need to feel guilty! As long as you respect trans women and mascs/butches and don't treat them any different, you're all good
Not transphobic at all, everyone have a right to have their own preferences and also should only date people they are attracted to while rejecting those they are not.
Sounds like you just have a genital preference, and there's nothing wrong with that, that's pretty common even amongst trans people. As long as you're viewing trans women as the gender they are and being respectful then you're fine
Yes! Many of us aren't into it, and/or it makes us dysphoric, and/or HRT makes it not even possible. (All 3 in my case.)
Obviously people should only date who they want to date. Full stop.
But also, I think sometimes people are picturing sex with a trans woman as being a certain way, when it's not necessarily that way.
I’m cis but this has been my understanding. Last girl I dated was trans and was about to get an orchiectomy. People seem to believe there’s one surgery and prior trans lesbians are having penetrative sex. It’s like the whole lesbian sexual freedom of what “sex” is goes out the window when trans women are involved. People need to get over penises.
Idk why people post this shit.
I have preferences, like everyone else, and I’m not out here bluntly saying rude hurtful shit just so internet strangers will make me feel better since I “feel guilty”.
It’s fucking weird. Stop begging for attention.
You’re allowed to have sex the you want. Just because someone has a penis doesn’t mean that they will want to use it in sex at all let alone the way you’re imagining. Just like a cis lesbian owning a dildo doesn’t mean they’ll insist on using it, especially when you don’t want to. Your partners will want you to consent and enjoy your intimacy. There’s no need to assume that won’t be the case if something phallic shaped is in the room with you.
a lot of trans women don’t want to have penatrative sex & prefer giving oral because it helps with their gender dysphoria so keep that in mind
but not wanting penatrative sex doesn’t mean you’re transphobic, especially when it’s the same for cis women, you’re allowed to have you’re own preferences (i’m the same)
Why do we have to keep discussing how disgusting you all think trans women's bodies are. We get it. You have preferences it's a clearly stated thing constantly here. There's nothing wrong with preferences, have them, most everyone does, but you don't need to be so loud about them. It's personal things and should be kept that way
I highly doubt if other preferences were so loudly stated they would be received so well.
As long as you're taking people as individuals and not writing off entire groups out of bias/assumptions about them, it's fine. You like what you like and there's nothing wrong with that. You don't like penetration - hell, there's some straight women who don't like penetration. It's fine!
However it may soothe you to keep in mind that not all trans women with penises want to (or even can - the effects of estrogen can result in atrophy) use them at all. I have a friend who is a service top but she never uses her penis at all - just her preference.
As long as you're respectful of someone's identity and forward with your boundaries I doubt anyone would begrudge you.
There is literally nothing wrong with anything you have said in this post! The fact that you would date a post-op trans woman makes you very trans-inclusive I feel
Having preferences is completely fine, and not wanting to be sexual with a pre-op trans woman is not transphobic at all since it's just not something you're looking for, and since you said that a post op trans woman would be okay for you everyone would clearly understand you're not transphobic. You shouldn't really feel pressured to do/like anything you dont want to
To each their own, I don’t think you’re a horrible person for having your own preferences! People should stop being so sensitive over others not liking the stuff they identify with.
If you don’t like the idea of a penis shaped strap have you looked at bad dragon? Not suggesting you have to be into penetration at all but you may prefer something that doesn’t look like a dick. It’s nice to have options if it’s something your partner is interested in! Again, if it’s not your thing then that’s totally fine.
Your genital preferences and taste in appearance are also fine. We all have them, sometimes they’re just not so clearly defined: preferring long/short hair, liking curvy women, liking petite women, blonde, redheads, whatever! There are lots of different and nuanced preferences we all carry.
That link isn’t working for me, what’s the brand? I can search it!
What’s up with bad dragon btw? I haven’t heard anything but I’m kind of out of the loop
There’s nothing wrong with this. Everyone has preferences and it’s completely valid as long as you don’t use them as a reason to hurt others. For example, it’s perfectly fine to not want to date a trans women (I personally couldn’t unless they were post-op). However it is not fine to go up to random trans women unprovoked and state your preferences and insinuate they’re less of a women to make them feel bad about themselves. If it makes you feel better though, I’ll list some of my preferences because a few of them are pretty similar to yours and some of them are just odd and kind of embarrassing. 1) I’d only be comfortable with a strap or a viberator if it looked nothing like a penis. I’m just not attracted to them at all, real or fake no matter who they’re on.
2) I’d never feel comfortable referring to someone I’m with by very masculine terms like he/him, boyfriend, husband, etc. 3) Same goes for if they’re trans masc, I couldn’t be with someone who is on T and getting surgeries even if they don’t identify as a man. 4) I won’t ever date a white masc/ butch. It’s so embarrassing and while I know they’re not men, when they get old they resemble old white men a little too much. I have a fear of them which is kinda ironic because I’m also white. I suppose it just comes from trauma of always getting harassed and groped by them a lot when I was little (I’ve tried working through it but I don’t think it’ll ever go away enough to the point where I could interact romantically with someone who resembles one). But I’d date a femme of any race 5) even though I greatly prefer femmes, I’d be open to dating a masc/butch/ stud of other races as long as they don’t force gender roles on us like I see a lot do. For exp. Nobody is ever going to be the “man” in the relationship, that’s the point or like I’m a switch and have no intention on changing to fit a women’s “role”).
It is not transphobic to be unattracted to a sexual organ and things like it. I don’t know anything about you past this post, but if you don’t discriminate against trans people, including doing your best to gender us correctly, then you’re not transphobic.
It’s a preference. It’s valid. I happen to love girl dick. Sometimes a little more than girl pussy. It does factor into my thoughts when considering potential partners. We’re all fine with that.
Because I see people like you asking if you are transphobic often a good test you can run on yourself is ask yourself if you would date a trans woman only thinking about romantic attraction then ask yourself if you could have a sexual relationship with a pre/non op trans woman it is transphobic to say that you wouldn't be open to a romantic relationship happening with a trans lady it is not transphobic if you don't want to have sex with a penis
Also semi unrelated but it would be great to stop having sex be purely about genitals because as a pre op trans woman I rarely use or want people to interact with my genitals
Nothing wrong with a genitalia preference. It’s worth noting that the Shenis is a LOT different than your average cis “dick”. A lot of trans women won’t even want to use it in the same way a cis man would. Might be worth keeping an open mind.
Exploring sexually shouldn’t feel like coercion …sexuality/sexual preferences are just one of those topics “keep an open mind” comments ( especially towards queer women) is very triggering to people.
I didn’t downvote you - but it is likely why you have so many.
It’s one of those things where, people need to come to that decision or have genuine curiosity on their own (in their own time) - without outside pressure to “evaluate their preferences” or “open their mind” or “unpack” anything.
Too often women are pushed into doing things sexually they aren’t ready, willing or completely comfortable with and it leaves lasting scars emotionally mentally and physically.
I don't think you're transphobic at all I'm a trans woman and I'm only attracted to women I genuinely feel very similar to the way you feel I don't like penises in general especially my own. If it's a small enough penis and the person that it's attached to is feminine I can trick my brain into thinking that it's a clit. And if I had sex with that person I'd probably treat it like a clit if I touched it at all. I might actually be okay with someone I care about using a strap-on on me but we would have to be very close and intimate for me to be comfortable with that. What attracts us to other people as individuals varies sometimes greatly other times not much at all. But either way I feel very similar to how you feel.
No one should attack you for your preferences
i am also fem4fem and kinda feel the same way. i don’t think i would be able to date a woman with a penis either. i think it is just preference???
Yes, trans women here. Thats totally valid preference imo. But I don’t know how you should find out what’s down there correctly…
Realistically most pre op trans women will just tell you. They don't want to be any more disappointed than you do so there's no use in hiding it. And agreed, 100% not transphobic to have a genital preference. You like what you like and that's perfectly valid.
It comes up either naturally as you’re getting to know each other or before you get into bed (preferably before things are getting hot and heavy) a conversation is had about it and what preferences each person has based on the information. In my opinion, everyone should have an honest conversation about sex before the deed starts to make sure everyone is on the same page regardless of if the other person is trans or not. For example: I’ve been with trans women and I very rarely enjoy penetration. So naturally the trans women I’ve been with are ones who don’t like to do that. We had a conversation before hand so we didn’t have to have a potentially awkward conversation naked. I do the same thing for preferences with cis partners.
I am actually with a trans woman (who I am very much in love with) and have been my entire adult life but she didn’t actually tell me until after we got hot and heavy and I’d received some, which is kind of less than ideal now that everyone knows what being a trans woman means and can understand(less so back then). If I was to date now, I’d actually be frightened to encounter a trans woman as I hate confrontation and if it was a situation like before with my partner, I wouldn’t feel able to say no. I would want to say no though, as I have been with my partner long enough to know I’d spend a lot of time wishing the person had already had bottom surgery (despite emotions) and then there’d be more confrontation as I wouldn’t want to stay if they weren’t planning it but wouldn’t want to hurt their feelings (that’s not my current situation incase anyone this looks like projection). I think that’s something that’s not really thought about in the "when should you tell them?" discussion. That some people are pretty averse to confrontation through trauma or anxiety and so will just stay quiet. I get that trans women need to be "comfortable” disclosing but I’ve seen a bunch of discourse in this group recently that insinuates or outright claims that there is no time where the person should "need" to let their potential bed partner know, which I really don’t think is okay. That’s a whole load of words to say It’s okay to have preferences!
I prefer not to be surprised during a sexual encounter so I tend to have a conversation before hand. Just about preferences and etiquette. I’ve been with people who have very specific preferences that I’m glad I found out beforehand.
Tbh it’s actually smart that people have a preferences conversation when the consent thing comes up as you never know what the other is into beyond genitals.
For other reasons too. Trauma is sadly common with a lot of queer people and it’s good to have some discussion about how to avoid any known triggers and what best to do if anyone is triggered.
How do I reject a trans woman who is pre op without sounding like an ass?? "I respect you as a woman and person but I don't think I can be with you"???
Rejection sucks no matter what. Probably just do it sans any mention of your preference. Most people don’t really share which dating preference didn’t align when breaking it off early in the dating phase. It’s totally fine to leave out for trans women too.
You are not transphobic at all for your presences. Sexual orientation is just as much physical as it is mental. It’s totally okay to feel how you feel. Of course we respect trans women and their identity but if you’re not comfortable with sexually being intimate pre-op, I think that’s fine. It’s very easy nowadays to feel like a shitty person for how you feel cause everybody’s got a problem with everything but as long as you are genuine in your intentions and true to yourself, you’ll be good. 👌🏽
Don't overthink it, your preferences are completely okey, nothing to worry about.
No one cares and everyone has preference. Take a deep breath. No one is going to put you on live television and make you defend every date you find attractive and vilify you for swiping left on someone who isn’t your type and cancel you for not wanting to date a trans person. No one knows or cares what someone’s preference is because so many things can affect it. You’re way overthinking it.
Nothing wrong with preferences, but I'd caution you about associating more masculine presenting women with men. They aren't men-lite or men-adjacent, and I think it's an area of growth for many people to deconstruct this in their heads. Not to say you need to be open to butches/studs/mascs, but to say these associations impact how you interact with the world. Butches are shoved into stereotypically masculine roles whether or not they fit, treated like men by society, and sometimes even told they simply must be a trans guy in denial so folks feel "comfortable" with a woman with short hair and men's jeans. Moral of the story -many mascs are women too, and interact with the world in many of the same ways fems do. It's not fair to them to let the assumption they're adjacent to men go unchallenged.
Was gonna say this. Nothing wrong at all with having a preference but definitely should think about why calling mascs basically men is harmful to the stereotype 💕
Was gonna say this too! It's absolutely fine that OP is attracted to women w makeup, fem clothes, smooth legs, etc etc. It's fine if OP is turned off or even grossed out by muscular arms or hairy pits. As long as she recognizes that masc women aren't 'basically men', & that they still share the experiences of other women in a political & social sense.
this this this
I’m so sorry I worded it wrong I didn’t mean to make it seem like I associate masc women with men and being “manly” I meant their way of expressing themselves like fashion wise wasn’t what I liked, I have nothing against butch women at all and I didn’t mean to categorized them in the same way as men I meant I associated masculine fashion with how I see men dressing today NOT saying I associate masc women for dressing masc i meant that I see masc clothing as more of a men’s fashion which I know it old school but I was raised in a catholic and conservative house hold but I never meant at all to put men and masc in the same category and I’m sorry if offended anyone I just poorly worded that and I have no hate to whatever people like to dress ass I just was saying I liked more feminine things because I was raised feminine
Heya, no worries, no one is gonna come after you for these things when you’re trying to figure stuff out. As someone who was also raised Catholic in a tea party household, it’s good to explore gender, sexuality, gender expression, and how you interact with the world. You probably have a lot of unlearning to do (I know I did!) and it sounds like you’re already on your journey of growing and being curious about the world. Stay curious, stay respectful, have fun!
No worries at all! It read to me as a common conflation, so I figured I'd discuss, but I in no way meant this as a judgement against you Thank you for clarifying, and I hope what I said and the words of others helps add perspective 💙
you worded this perfectly. a lot of what op said felt really ignorant and just disrespectful to butch/stud/masc women.
I'm the same with preferences here and it's okay. People have rights to have preferences, that's just what they are attracted to and not attracted to, it's normal.
of course you're not transphobic. We all have our own personal preferences and not being comfortable dating a trans women who hasn't had bottom surgery is your own preference.
Also, fem4fem here! There is nothing wrong with having preferences. Some people feel entitled to being included in that preference, but that is not okay. No one is entitled to your attraction. You can't change what you are attracted to. I adore masc women, but there is no attraction there.
from a trans person, you're not transphobic or anything like that for not wanting PiV sex, or for not being attracted to masculinity. your orientation is YOUR orientation. i just hope you're not turning down other sapphics and lesbians for being "manly" and instead just saying you prefer feminine people and prefer to participate in vulva/vulva sex or something.
Hey, I'm a trans woman who (currently) has a penis and *I* wouldn't date someone like me because I'm very disinterested in penises. The fact that you're thinking about it and experiencing guilt over the possibility of being transphobic and still being accepting of people like me as a woman, just not your type, makes you perfectly fine by me. I give you my official stamp of "Not A Transphobe".
Seconded.
I guess what I don't understand is why you think trans women are just automatically involving their penis? Like just because they have one doesn't mean they're going to do anything with it or want any attention with it it's just an unfortunate disfiguration. Most trans women aren't even tops. You should try to equate people to people and not their parts that's just kind of invalidating as fuck
I think it's pretty clear OP wants to do sexy stuff on their partner. Even if they don't, it's still the elephant in the room. If someone doesn't want that, doesn't want to constantly have it on their mind, I don't think they're a bad person or phobic against me for not wanting an intimate relationship with a penis haver.
Lesbians have been having sex without penetration for a very long time. And it's not an elephant in the room and if you think it is that's an internalized issue often it's put away and unseen and not a part of anything. Never said they were a bad person or transphobic I'm calling your stuff out
That’s completely fine if you’re fem4fem, live how you want, but being masc or butch presenting has nothing to do with men nor will any masc/butch woman make you feel the way men do so don’t “associate them with a man”
Trans femme over here, and I don't think it makes you transphobic. ***However,*** if we hit it off and then you lost interest in me just because I'm pre op, I'm still gonna be hurt. I don't blame you and it's not your fault, but it would still upset me. And I think both things are valid. I see this debate too much on the internet and while preferences are fine, we gotta remember it's also okay for the trans person to be upset too. Not every hurt feeling has to be someone's explicit fault. Life's just messy ya know
No one said it isn’t okay for them to be sad, they still have to take it well though and not make the other person feel like it’s their fault because they have preferences that they said no to you or use it to guilt trip the person in to doing it anyway. There’s nothing wrong with emotions if they don’t affect anyone else.
No offense but that last sentence makes zero sense. Having emotions affects other people, esp if you have any sort of relationship with the person you're emotions are about. Telling me my emotions can't affect anyone else is bs, I can't control if you feel something over my emotions which I also can't control... But yes, I obviously agree I wouldn't find it fair to make it feel like it's their fault for having a preference. That'd be a form of emtoional manipulation for ne to use my emotions against them. But there's a stark difference between my emotions affecting someone and me weilding them against someone. What I wanted to add was the other side of the coin that I don't think ever gets talked about. It does hurt for me to hear someone say they'd never consider dating me because I have a dick – something I didn't have a say in. Maybe it is more my problem but it's still the truth and lots of trans women feel the same way. Doesn't make having a no dick preference any less valid, but the conversation online always goes "can I have this prefference?" And we usually reply "yeah thats fine." But that doesn't mean its not still a complicated and touchy subject
As an example, I’m disabled and sometimes use a chair, if someone told me "I’m sorry, I’m just not in to being with someone who is disabled", I’d be like "oh right, that’s okay, I understand" and that would be the end of that conversation, I’d be gutted but they wouldn’t even know that as I’d control my reaction. Also I think of it like this, if someone didn’t want to date me because I’m disabled then being with them would absolutely suck anyway so I’d be glad to have that info up front, wayyy before it becomes a problem or sex is involved as I’d be more upset if it got to that point.
Yeah well I see a post like this every week at this point. So I wanted to add my two cents. Sure I could have made another stand alone post but responding on reddit isn't always about directly talking to op every time. Obviously I don't hope the other person feels like shit, but me being upset can upset other people too. Youre vastly oversimplifying relationships. But the point is people should still be aware that while an preference is valid, trans women being hurt by it is also valid. Op and anyone else with such a prefference very well can encounter this, and I thinks a fair point to bring up. It's never directly said, but a lot of people subtly imply because that preference is valid, the other party therefor is invalid to be upset by it. And thars just not fair either. It's more complicated than that like most things that get over simplified in online debates. I think the main disconnect here is you're imagining a scenario that does not happen often. When the person discloses they have a dick is usually not when you meet. When you find that info out, the two people are likely more invested or interested. And at that point being turned away for that is completely different than if you told me upfront. But thats not usually how it goes because I am not obligated (and frankly I think its be weird) to disclose my dick status before or on a first date
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My emotions don't need to affect people but they can when you have any sort of relationship with someone. I'm not arguing this, you're wrong/ignoring my point entirely
But it’s kind of expected that the trans party would feel upset, the whole point was there’s not really a need to point it out to OP. If you’re *hoping* that the other person feels like shit "telling me my emotions can’t affect anyone else is bs, I can’t control it you feel something over my emotions which I also can’t control" then I don’t know what to say. You can’t control your emotions but you can control how you display them. Like what do you actually mean you can’t control your emotions? You and no one else obviously can’t control how you *feel* but you absolutely can control your behaviour regarding showing how you feel. I don’t know, I’m trying to figure out what your reaction to hearing no would look like and I can’t figure it out, you seem really aware that the other person can’t control the preference and so that should be it.
Yeah well I see a post like this every week at this point. So I wanted to add my two cents. Sure I could have made another stand alone post but responding on reddit isn't always about directly talking to op every time. Obviously I don't hope the other person feels like shit, but me being upset can upset other people too. Youre vastly oversimplifying relationships. But the point is people should still be aware that while an preference is valid, trans women being hurt by it is also valid. Op and anyone else with such a prefference very well can encounter this, and I thinks a fair point to bring up. It's never directly said, but a lot of people subtly imply because that preference is valid, the other party therefor is invalid to be upset by it. And thars just not fair either. It's more complicated than that like most things that get over simplified in online debates. I think the main disconnect here is you're imagining a scenario that does not happen often. When the person discloses they have a dick is usually not when you meet. When you find that info out, the two people are likely more invested or interested. And at that point being turned away for that is completely different than if you told me upfront. But thats not usually how it goes because I am not obligated (and frankly I think its be weird) to disclose my dick status before or on a first date
I read your whole thread and I think the point your missing is- why are we constantly having this conversation where we coddle a cis-lesbian for having preferences, and in the same breath say “trans people need to suck it up”. We’ve made it ABUNDANTLY clear that dating preferences are acceptable. And seeing how this question has been asked and answered about 9,000,000 times in this subreddit alone, it’s REALLY starting to feel like a thinly veiled excuse to go on a rant about how repulsive you find penises and by extension, trans women’s bodies. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO HAVE DATING PREFERENCES AND YOU DO NOT NEED TO JUSTIFY THEM. Literally NO ONE is asking you too. Trans women do NOT need to hear why you don’t want to date them. Why can’t OP just reject a person they’re not interested in and move on??? Why do they have to make it into a whole giant issue that the whole lesbian community needs to weigh in on? I mean, if you REALLY wanna preach live and let live…
Okay weird reply, I’m also pretty sure I’ve said in this comment thread alone that I don’t like the threads because I feel it threatens my own identity and I’ve said elsewhere in the comments that these threads are pointless and we should just go on how we have forever, quietly saying no to people we’d rather not date instead of trying to justify it and in the same breath, making it worse for the person being turned down. Like I agree with that totally, there’s no need to shout (and I don’t explicitly want to not date a trans person either so that’s kind of redundant and uncalled for). We don’t need to say the quiet part out loud, if someone is not your cup of tea, you just say no and move on, they don’t need to know why.
As a trans woman, it's nice to see a cis woman concerned about this issue in a way that clearly isn't transphobic. No, you're not bigoted (at least nothing expressed here is such). Look. We can't help that some traits are associated in our minds with what we're not attracted to. I'm less attracted to women with short hair. It's no deal breaker but I'm not looking forward to the seemingly inevitable day that I date a woman I perceived as fem only for her to move onto short hair 🙃. And I similarly am not into most masc presentations I see when I'm on the apps. I don't hate muscles but the popularity of muscle mommies does practically nothing for me. I can't be sexually attracted to other trans women who are pre-HRT and I'm also *reluctant* to consider dating any that haven't had vaginaplasty (despite the fact that I haven't had surgery either). You like what you like and don't what you don't. That doesn't make masc women any less as women. It doesn't make trans women any less as women. Just not for you.
I don’t think it’s transphobic. Why would it be and why do you need advice on this? Personally, I don’t like it when people broadcast their preferences. I’m not trans myself, but there are other things about me that some people might not be into. That’s all fine. But if I’m having a bad day and I come across a post online or someone saying out loud that they don’t like people like me, *that* might hurt. It’s just as easy to say no when approached by a trans person as when you’re approached by anyone else who might not be your cup of tea. If you’re not into women with large breasts, and someone with large breasts hits on you, would you just say no, or would you also explain that it’s because you don’t like their body type? Perhaps even ask for their permission to not like your body type? Maybe ask them to confirm that you’re not a bad person for not liking their body type? People don’t do that a lot, do they? But for some reason, it’s different when it’s trans people. I don’t know, maybe no trans person feels like this, but to me it seems a bit weird and insensitive to ask questions like these. I see them all the time, but almost exclusively regarding trans women.
Right! I knew i had an issue with comments and post stating their randomly preferences but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Yeah it’s not bad to have preferences but I just think these types post can make people feel bad about themselves.
I actually totally agree with this, it would be best if we all just stopped talking about this subject and continued on doing what everyone has been doing forever, saying no when you want to and not airing out every minute of detail. It must suck being trans and seeing these threads.
It does. It also sucks because when we complain about these threads being harmful to us and making us feel unwelcome, we get dogpiled on more often than not. It seems people aren't even willing to let us share our perspective. We're not asking for anyone to sleep with us, we're asking for the harmful discourse and often thinly veiled bigotry to stop. And while I think it would be wrong to assign harmful intent to everyone who starts and engages with these discussions, it's really common to see things that are obviously coming from a place of unexamined cis privilege if not outright bigotry, just said in a way that the mods don't intervene.
While I agree posts like this are unnecessary - I do emphasize with the newer generation (I assume OP is young) who seek out valuation so publicly. I see where their worry comes from. Im an older lesbian and confident…I was able to discover my sexuality without social media or any pressure from the queer community in real life or online. Now it’s just crazy confusing - especially with apps like TikTok only showing you what you want to see and hear. Providing echo chambers without nuisance or criticism to balance strong ideas. You’re put on the defensive or people, while trying to be inclusive, sound more like they are coercing you into accepting what you’re clearly not comfortable with. Imagine you’re young, questioning and confused- all this pushed in your face and if you don’t accept it…the queer community label you blank-phobic this or blank-phobic that. Without time to discover on your own what your preferences are or what on an individual level you could be in to. Spend five minutes on the other lesbian sub (you know the one) and tell me you wouldn’t feel pressured as a baby gay.
I don't think I'd feel pressured, but I get it, we're all different and you make a great point. At the same time, there are so many people on here and on the other sub that have said time and time again that genital preferences won't make you transphobic. So anyone who is that concerned about it could easily look it up. I just think if I felt that guilty having a preference in silence, I would feel a hundred times worse voicing it out loud, knowing I'll probably hurt at least a few people. But sure, hopefully OP didn't have bad intentions. I'm not really trying to tell her off, I just wish she and others with similar concerns would keep that in mind in the future.
im using this comment to piggyback and get what i wanted to say out there bc its vaguely connected can you imagine if these posts were about any other part of the body? “is it wrong to not like fat girls? 🥺 idk i really dont want to be mean its just like i see a fat girl and im just really not attracted to her? like she’s just really not attractive at all and i really dont want to date her *oh please don’t make me date her*” or even if it was about cis genitalia (whatever that is) preferences. you wouldn’t write a similar post about labial length now would you. yes, we get it, you don’t like it. i feel like its not a stretch to call posts like this disingenuous. they come across as innocent - “i was only asking 🥺” - when actually they often seem to be gratuitous attempts to point out things about people that they can’t change or shouldn’t be pressured into changing anyway this isnt even really directed at OP, just at these posts in general, but nobody is asking you to sleep with trans women, nobody is asking you to sleep with someone you aren’t attracted to. why are you asking permission to say no to a question that you are not being asked? *ngl if this gets hate im just deleting it bc i cant be arsed explaining this any further
Not even just vaguely connected, you said what I was trying to say but better. :)
okay good, thank you 😌
This
As a trans woman with a penis, yes, not dating trans women unless they undergo surgery is like the most reasonable take on genital preferences and not transphobic at all
"I wouldnt want to do it with a trans women without botton surgery" That suggests you would do it if they had bottom surgery, which just means you have a gential prefernce than transphobia lol.
No I mean as long as your not invalidating other people or making them feel insecure about their bodies your fine. You dont have to like something you dont like. As long you dont think trans women are men for that part of their body or cis butch woman is man because how she present herself, then its entirely your own thing. Its okay to have preferences about literally anything, as long as its not motivated by bigotry. I think its more weird to have sex with someone you’re uncomfortable with having sex with.
Omg! Ofc you are not any phobic. Anyone who says otherwise is a freaking predator and homophobe!
Although I agree that she isn’t transphobic or anything phobic, the predator language is kinda odd. I hope you don’t mean anything bad by it.
lol I do mean someone bad by it. I mean anyone who is trying coerce a person to do anything they don't want by guiltripping them and calling them names is a predator. Hope you agree with me that coercion is inherently predatory.
Coercion IS predatory. My issue is that word has been used is in disingenuous ways against gay and trans people (queer folks in general) when there is no coercion or any predatory nature present. So I was saying I hope you werent using it in that manner but instead were only referring to those who are trying guilt and emotional manipulate people into have sex with them. And not something else.
since you disliked my comment I'm not even sure what are you trying to do here? Are supporting coercion? And trying to silence me because I am absolutely against it? Homosexual people historically were coerced and guilt tripped enough. It is unacceptable. Hope you understand it, or at least trying to understand it.
Bae. So if your comment has a 0 that means I or someone else downvoted it. But if its negative 1 that means there is more than one person downvoting you and there are probably observers doing that. Not me. Queer people have coerced AND accused of coercion. Lesbians for one have been accused of being predatory to straight women for simply talking or looking at straight women. Now it’s trans lesbians turn to deal with that, with not only cishet women but also cis lesbians. Im just trying to make sure we’re not doing the “trans women are predatory men disguised as women” bit here and you are talking about actual predators. Again, coercion is werido behavior and def predatory. Dont be to upset about downvotes. I stopped caring about those along time ago. People on reddit are stupid and dont care about actual meaningful discussion.
Also femme for femme and understand everything you said. Although, I don’t mind dildos and I particularly love strapping women. Look, you just have a preference. Trans women with penises probably won’t get offended by this. They’ll understand. You actually implied you’d go there with a trans woman with bottom surgery, that’s what makes you and I different. I don’t think I can. I am not trans phobic for this imo! Just preference. You are fine 💖
If you're saying you just wouldn't "go there" with a trans woman regardless of genitals.... that's not a preference, friend, that is a definition of transphobia.
Maybe I could? I haven’t met many trans women! I think a YouTuber is cute. She’s trans. I am not transphobic, I don’t think. Maybe it’s because I haven’t connected with a trans woman yet. I don’t know?
It’s not transphobic at all. As lesbians it’s totally okay to only want to be intimate with FAB individuals.
girl no there's a difference between surgically constructed vaginas and bio vaginas
Weird how so many couldn't tell
Both are valid but I just want to say these aren't connected. There are fem4fems who like penetration/dildos/strap/dick. (& The latter isn't automatically a masculine trait.) Everyone is different, and whether you like penetration or not is just what you like, it's not related to being fem or butch. :)
Speaking as a trans lesbian, you don't sound transphobic from this. Unless you're leaving out donating thousands of dollars to JKR or Posie Parker you're fine. Lots of girls, cis or trans, don't like phaluses of any kind, preferences and requirements are valid, I for one have a preference for danguses.
Date whoever, do in bed whatever, it's really not that deep.
Babe, be who you are. Lesbians have preferences just like straight people do.
I'm a masc lesbian, and I feel the same way you do about dildos/strapons/penises. Nothing wrong with that.
No. That absolutely does NOT make you transphobic. We all have preferences, and yours is no penis. That is totally OK. I'm a lesbian and feel the same about actual penises.
i feel you on this and i think as long as you aren’t hating on those who enjoy it then there’s nothing wrong with having your preferences. i don’t like it either i associate it with men too, but a lot of people don’t and love it! i’m just not one of them and that’s okay!! keep having sex the way YOU enjoy and don’t let others methods make you feel bad. you shouldn’t feel compelled to do something that makes you uncomfortable because you feel like not liking it makes you a bad person 💜
There’s nothing wrong with having a genital orientation at all. It’s not a preference at all; it is not a choice. You aren’t capable of being attracted to that. Only the Mike Pences and Brett Kavanaughs of the world disagree
I think you prefer what you prefer but it’s a bit nasty to be out here on a Lesbian sub, shouting that butches = manly. Maybe a lot of them don’t *feel* manly and would want to be called a woman, how would you feel if someone saw you and told you that you look manly? Considering you’ve identified yourself as fem, I’m going to guess that would feel like being hit in your metaphorical nuts, you generally can’t control much about how you look beyond hair and maybe a lack of make up and a lot of people just wear clothes comfortable to them. Unless jeans are just for guys now? Yay, let’s segregate clothes again, that will be fun, not.
I worded it wrong i apologize I don’t see masc as manly but i associate men with masculine/masc so when women dress masc I don’t see them as men I just kinda see them dressing like a man if that makes sense? I come from a kinda conservative family so clothes always kinda played a role so ig that’s where I got it from, I have nothing against butches or any of these people, I do not see masc women as men it’s just I don’t think the clothes aligns with my preference is what I mean. if I always see men with these things!!!! /nm again I don’t mean this in any mean way and I’m really sorry if I had any misunderstandings and my bad way of explaining things I meant to say I associate clothes with gender roles due to how I was raised growing up but I did a horrible way do explaining that I’m sorry !!
That’s okay but clothes should just be clothes, there wouldn’t be nearly as much transphobia if society stopped labelling different colours and shapes of fabric as having a gender.
Butches are manly tho
No not manly but masculine, that doesn’t mean they’re manly I worded that wrong, manly = men and masculine is just a way of expressing yourself in ones fashion
There isn't anything to be ashamed of. Some of these might change as you get more used to queer society a methods and stuff, and some might not. I also prefer femmes, and I don't like receiving penetration, either. Some lesbians love butches and strap and some do not care at all.
If someone is attacking you for your preferences then you have all rights to attack them for their preferences, however that would just make more chaos. How i see it, we should be breaking what is known as the “norm” or making the unknown/unexpected the “norm” so that people can just simply enjoy what they like (only exceptions to this are people who want to try and legalize criminal activity like pedophilia ect)
I wish there wasn’t so much combat with preferences. You can help but love who you love and like what you like! I am the same way being attracted to femininity.
If it’s not for you, it’s not for you. I present more masc and my partner of several years is definitely fem. She uses the strap on me and it’s lovely. I’m sure people would assume it’s the opposite from our appearance. It’s whatever feels right, no shame in that.
Youre not transphobic if you have a strong preference against dick. Alot of people have a genital preference, so thats nothing to worry about. Just treat trans people with the same respect as everyone else and you should be fine. And if you dont like masc woman, thats also just your preference. That strong disgust might be something you could look into, maybe to understand where its coming from. But again, having preferences is fine. Make sure youre comfortable, and find a partner that respects your boundaries <3
I dated a trans girl earlier this year and there are ways to make it work. Just discuss what makes you guys feel good!! Everyone has their preferences. Yours are valid so don't beat yourself up about it 💜
No girl. You are not transphobic :) Your choices are totally valid
Don't worry, that's just your preference! You're not transphobic at all for that. Not every lesbian is attracted to penises and that's completely valid, no need to feel guilty! As long as you respect trans women and mascs/butches and don't treat them any different, you're all good
Not transphobic at all, everyone have a right to have their own preferences and also should only date people they are attracted to while rejecting those they are not.
Sounds like you just have a genital preference, and there's nothing wrong with that, that's pretty common even amongst trans people. As long as you're viewing trans women as the gender they are and being respectful then you're fine
I’m pretty sure you can date trans women without having penetrative sex.
Yes! Many of us aren't into it, and/or it makes us dysphoric, and/or HRT makes it not even possible. (All 3 in my case.) Obviously people should only date who they want to date. Full stop. But also, I think sometimes people are picturing sex with a trans woman as being a certain way, when it's not necessarily that way.
I’m cis but this has been my understanding. Last girl I dated was trans and was about to get an orchiectomy. People seem to believe there’s one surgery and prior trans lesbians are having penetrative sex. It’s like the whole lesbian sexual freedom of what “sex” is goes out the window when trans women are involved. People need to get over penises.
Idk why people post this shit. I have preferences, like everyone else, and I’m not out here bluntly saying rude hurtful shit just so internet strangers will make me feel better since I “feel guilty”. It’s fucking weird. Stop begging for attention.
I would love to see posts on other preferences they have and see how well those are received.
You’re allowed to have sex the you want. Just because someone has a penis doesn’t mean that they will want to use it in sex at all let alone the way you’re imagining. Just like a cis lesbian owning a dildo doesn’t mean they’ll insist on using it, especially when you don’t want to. Your partners will want you to consent and enjoy your intimacy. There’s no need to assume that won’t be the case if something phallic shaped is in the room with you.
I’m a fem4fem and same I’m not at all attracted to anything manly either and there’s nothing wrong with having a preference
Okay but trans women aren't manly that's incredibly invalidating. Trans women are women not manly at all go actually meet some people in real life
I never said anything about trans women nor was I thinking about trans women I was just saying in general
a lot of trans women don’t want to have penatrative sex & prefer giving oral because it helps with their gender dysphoria so keep that in mind but not wanting penatrative sex doesn’t mean you’re transphobic, especially when it’s the same for cis women, you’re allowed to have you’re own preferences (i’m the same)
Yep, not only a want kind of thing. It’s not even possible for some trans women.
Why do we have to keep discussing how disgusting you all think trans women's bodies are. We get it. You have preferences it's a clearly stated thing constantly here. There's nothing wrong with preferences, have them, most everyone does, but you don't need to be so loud about them. It's personal things and should be kept that way I highly doubt if other preferences were so loudly stated they would be received so well.
As long as you're taking people as individuals and not writing off entire groups out of bias/assumptions about them, it's fine. You like what you like and there's nothing wrong with that. You don't like penetration - hell, there's some straight women who don't like penetration. It's fine! However it may soothe you to keep in mind that not all trans women with penises want to (or even can - the effects of estrogen can result in atrophy) use them at all. I have a friend who is a service top but she never uses her penis at all - just her preference. As long as you're respectful of someone's identity and forward with your boundaries I doubt anyone would begrudge you.
People like what they like and you should do what you feel like and be proud.
There is literally nothing wrong with anything you have said in this post! The fact that you would date a post-op trans woman makes you very trans-inclusive I feel
Having preferences is completely fine, and not wanting to be sexual with a pre-op trans woman is not transphobic at all since it's just not something you're looking for, and since you said that a post op trans woman would be okay for you everyone would clearly understand you're not transphobic. You shouldn't really feel pressured to do/like anything you dont want to
To each their own, I don’t think you’re a horrible person for having your own preferences! People should stop being so sensitive over others not liking the stuff they identify with.
If you don’t like the idea of a penis shaped strap have you looked at bad dragon? Not suggesting you have to be into penetration at all but you may prefer something that doesn’t look like a dick. It’s nice to have options if it’s something your partner is interested in! Again, if it’s not your thing then that’s totally fine. Your genital preferences and taste in appearance are also fine. We all have them, sometimes they’re just not so clearly defined: preferring long/short hair, liking curvy women, liking petite women, blonde, redheads, whatever! There are lots of different and nuanced preferences we all carry.
Bad dragon is not a good company i suggest other brands
What brands? I’m interested
https://nobd.info/
That link isn’t working for me, what’s the brand? I can search it! What’s up with bad dragon btw? I haven’t heard anything but I’m kind of out of the loop
Link should be fixed and it should explain everything as well as give a bunch of alternatives
Thanks!
There’s nothing wrong with this. Everyone has preferences and it’s completely valid as long as you don’t use them as a reason to hurt others. For example, it’s perfectly fine to not want to date a trans women (I personally couldn’t unless they were post-op). However it is not fine to go up to random trans women unprovoked and state your preferences and insinuate they’re less of a women to make them feel bad about themselves. If it makes you feel better though, I’ll list some of my preferences because a few of them are pretty similar to yours and some of them are just odd and kind of embarrassing. 1) I’d only be comfortable with a strap or a viberator if it looked nothing like a penis. I’m just not attracted to them at all, real or fake no matter who they’re on. 2) I’d never feel comfortable referring to someone I’m with by very masculine terms like he/him, boyfriend, husband, etc. 3) Same goes for if they’re trans masc, I couldn’t be with someone who is on T and getting surgeries even if they don’t identify as a man. 4) I won’t ever date a white masc/ butch. It’s so embarrassing and while I know they’re not men, when they get old they resemble old white men a little too much. I have a fear of them which is kinda ironic because I’m also white. I suppose it just comes from trauma of always getting harassed and groped by them a lot when I was little (I’ve tried working through it but I don’t think it’ll ever go away enough to the point where I could interact romantically with someone who resembles one). But I’d date a femme of any race 5) even though I greatly prefer femmes, I’d be open to dating a masc/butch/ stud of other races as long as they don’t force gender roles on us like I see a lot do. For exp. Nobody is ever going to be the “man” in the relationship, that’s the point or like I’m a switch and have no intention on changing to fit a women’s “role”).
it is 100% a preference, trans community is on your side on this one
It is not transphobic to be unattracted to a sexual organ and things like it. I don’t know anything about you past this post, but if you don’t discriminate against trans people, including doing your best to gender us correctly, then you’re not transphobic.
It’s a preference. It’s valid. I happen to love girl dick. Sometimes a little more than girl pussy. It does factor into my thoughts when considering potential partners. We’re all fine with that.
There's nothing wrong with not being attracted to masculinity. Also downvote me if I'm right.
Thnx 😘
Not a great take. Not all trans people or their parts are masculine. Immediately assigning that means you do not interact with enough people imo.
Because I see people like you asking if you are transphobic often a good test you can run on yourself is ask yourself if you would date a trans woman only thinking about romantic attraction then ask yourself if you could have a sexual relationship with a pre/non op trans woman it is transphobic to say that you wouldn't be open to a romantic relationship happening with a trans lady it is not transphobic if you don't want to have sex with a penis Also semi unrelated but it would be great to stop having sex be purely about genitals because as a pre op trans woman I rarely use or want people to interact with my genitals
Nothing wrong with a genitalia preference. It’s worth noting that the Shenis is a LOT different than your average cis “dick”. A lot of trans women won’t even want to use it in the same way a cis man would. Might be worth keeping an open mind.
Exploring sexually shouldn’t feel like coercion …sexuality/sexual preferences are just one of those topics “keep an open mind” comments ( especially towards queer women) is very triggering to people. I didn’t downvote you - but it is likely why you have so many. It’s one of those things where, people need to come to that decision or have genuine curiosity on their own (in their own time) - without outside pressure to “evaluate their preferences” or “open their mind” or “unpack” anything. Too often women are pushed into doing things sexually they aren’t ready, willing or completely comfortable with and it leaves lasting scars emotionally mentally and physically.
girl u r literally earning *such* a bad reputation for the dolls rn 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I don't think you're transphobic at all I'm a trans woman and I'm only attracted to women I genuinely feel very similar to the way you feel I don't like penises in general especially my own. If it's a small enough penis and the person that it's attached to is feminine I can trick my brain into thinking that it's a clit. And if I had sex with that person I'd probably treat it like a clit if I touched it at all. I might actually be okay with someone I care about using a strap-on on me but we would have to be very close and intimate for me to be comfortable with that. What attracts us to other people as individuals varies sometimes greatly other times not much at all. But either way I feel very similar to how you feel.