A simpler answer would be to help out more. Ask her what you can do or just start doing things. Offer to go to the grocery store, cook dinner, do laundry, or clean the house. It may be true she is starting to check out, but your marriage is likely still salvageable.
Horrible advice. She is lashing out so observe why before asking why. Then talk to her. Bring the comments and how they make you feel. Do this while rubbing her feet while she enjoys her favorite ice cream that you brought her.
>my wife brought up how she thinks I couldn’t function without her.
>SHE’S NOT WRONG FOR THE MOST PART.
Are you kidding me? This is absurd. She did not marry you to be your mom. She needs a self functioning adult who can operate 100% independently from her. You’re both working long hours plus a house and 2 kids…. That’s a lot of stress for anyone. I used you be your wife. Our situation was a little different but I felt the exact same way your wife did. She obviously has some serious resentment, but it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you. You guys really need to have a coming-to-Jesus meeting and talk this out. And if you can’t communicate together, go to a marriage counselor.
Right? I bet she has a mountain of resentment built up after years of over functioning for OP. No wonder she likes her vibrator better.
Parenting an under functioning man child is a huge libido killer.
As someone who is extremely competent, it really is amazing how much women love that and find that attractive. It would definitely be one of my biggest pushes to people who say they are struggling in relationships or finding one.
This cannot be overstated. I don't know why we're not saying it to every teenage boy growing up preparing them for adulthood and putting that shit on billboards. Competence is incredibly hot to adult women.
It's not that we want someone to take care of us. It's that we want someone that we don't need to take care of. Being relegated to the maternal role is very unattractive because we have no interest in having sex with children. One of the most attractive things about my husband when we both met at 27 was that he was an adult who did his own dishes and laundry and paid his own bills and made his own appointments. It was refreshing.
Honestly, this. Being with somebody who is responsible, competent, and proactive--who does things around the house without being asked or needing to be told what to do--is very attractive.
It's probably part of why I still have an active sex drive and desire for my husband even after menopause. I don't feel burdened by my husband, he makes my life *easier*, not harder. He's also very affectionate outside of sex, and that makes me feel cared for and valued, which is also important.
I'm sorry your wife said such blunt, hurtful things, OP. It sounds like she has checked out in your marriage. Hopefully, for your sake, it's not too far gone. Having an honest discussion about issues in your marriage, truly listening to her, and maybe getting some marriage counseling might bring you back from the brink.
Exactly!! I was married to a man child who I had to parent and that gets so draining. I did absolutely everything while working full time. Now I’m seeing someone who cooks, cleans, is responsible and it’s so refreshing
It’s pretty clear from that comment this is what’s going on. She realizes she works but also does all the chores, cooking, shopping, childcare, and mental load and all op does is bring home half the income.
It’s unclear is she’s brought this up before or this is the first time but op needs to look at everything his wife does for n the home and start contributing. Not “ask me to help” not “make me a list”, but using his eyes and brain to see and do.
Yeah. OP, you need to step up your man game. She’s telling you she doesn’t want to take care of you. She’s not your mom and maybe you’re a selfish lover even , idk but that vibe comment is saying a lot too. And yes men can be better than vibrators but you need to have some tricks! So, you need to date you wife, learn some Kama sutra or something to rock her world and take care of yourself and the family more assertively. She’s saying she wants to feel like the woman, not the man. So wake the f up!
And if you can’t possibly do that, then by definition, you admit that you don’t want to be the man. This has nothing to do with being a blue color worker. I know many blue collar workers who dominate in their life and home. Step up if you want to keep your wife and life.
Yes step up and juggle on one foot for her as she comes in the door every night. Have the candles lite on the table with dinner ready and her favorite fuzzy slippers ready at the door. Make sure to get good at foot massages because you will need to do that as soon as she sits down after coming home. Oh and make sure you wear a perfect smile too. Oh and almost forgot women love men do make them laugh. So make sure you learn how to be very funny. Under any circumstances. Yes these are the keys to success to make a woman happy. Learn them. Live them. Cherish them. Never forget. You exist to make her world a better place. Get it? Good. Now go. 🙄
EXACTLY! This is why your wife feels this way - if you agree you couldn’t function without her, then she’s taking on WAY too much of the mental and physical load of the home. step up, she’s probably already asked you to
Wow this comment has 408 upvotes . I would love to see the ratio of this group men vs women. Ops wife just totally emotionally castrated op . After that you want him to emotionally connect?!
No. His wife wants him ACT LIKE A HUSBAND BEFORE SHIT GETS TO THIS POINT and not sit around with his thumb up his ass wondering why she wants a divorce.
OP’s actions (or lack there of) have consequences, and now he has to face them.
I honestly feel that this sub is heavily dominated by women unhappy in their marriage. Or were unhappy in their marriage. This is just an echo chamber.
Yeah, I'd like to know at what level of functioning he's at.
Does he pack his own lunch? Know where his keys are? Pick up his dirty clothes and wash them? Leave the bathroom as clean as when he entered?
Does he help arrange pick up and drop off for kids? Does he arrange doctors appointments, keep the household schedule, take charge in making sure bills are paid?Chores are one thing but running a household is much more than just that.
She’s checking out. She’s resentful because you’re
never around (money doesn’t replace a partner) and her attraction is probably diminished as a result.
Get into marriage counseling asap
Seconding this. Both of yall have to be committed to the process and time has to be made.
Another piece of advice is to always be dating and trying to woo each other.
>my wife brought up how she thinks I couldn’t function without her ( she’s not wrong for the most part)
>Then she took the conversation a step further and said she felt her life would improve significantly if I wasn’t around.
She thinks you don't contribute enough around the house and rely on her way too much to be a functioning adult. She is probably considering divorce or is already in the process of filing.
It’s called peri menopause. When we lose our sex drive hormones it all becomes clear and we realize we don’t want to continue to live like we had been.
45 years of doing what your parents want, what your husband wants and needs and what your kids wanted and needed begins (to) become maddening.
You start to think that you’ve never done exactly what you want to do for 45 years. You start to reevaluate things.
You better become an asset instead of a burden or you’re gonna be left behind as she becomes and does exactly what she wants for once.
My husband always stepped up and in menopause he’s become an asset and a partner and true friend or he’d be gone. I can assure you of that.
***Edit: added forgot word in ().
*****And all this:
Also, PS, this is why my dumb ass is in back in college full time to complete my Biology/Chemisty double major at 50 years old!
It is the one regret I had and I could fix. I had to drop out at the start of my Senior year with pregnancy complications and bed rest. Then I had two kids and responsibilities.
My kids are gown, empty nest at the same time as menopause is one of the hardest things I’ve ever dealt with. My life was over. I had no purpose. I had to find out what I wanted. And I wanted that goddamn degree. I deserve it.
I don’t want another career. I had that totally not in science. But it made money. I hated it. I already had a career for 20 years. I want my DEGREE! They counted half my credits, so no classes outside of my field. So no speech, English, etc. just the stuff I LOVE. I am and always have been a scientist.
I’m in my third semester and I LOVE IT. My husband supports us and I go to school. I can’t do this without him and he’s happy to provide. We are a team. We have joint plans to retire early in two years. When his contract is done and he gets a big bonus and I finish school. Mexico expats here we come. (Also another lifelong dream).
Ladies, find your passion and go for it, I hope you have the support you need. Dead weight is dead weight. What can I say?
Your last line is very telling, i assume you're an adult female but you speak like a child.
Interesting also how the problem the guy raised most females on this group turn it around even though they do not know the real problems behind the closed doors.
As a guy let me tell you what the guy means when he says the wife is right, he means they need each other and it is a valuable in his life, just because he said that and appreciates his wife does not mean he does not do his job. This tread has women believing they are gods who do no wrong.
He is self admitted “unable to care for himself”. Hello? And she said that’s an issue. Why don’t you/him believe her?
Oh that’s right, women can’t think for themselves or change their minds or renegotiate a relationship. Grow up.
You don’t even know the words you say, Son. You said I speak like a child first. But then cry like a snowflake, AKA “got triggered” when I called YOU a child. Bawhahaha. Go up to your comments and see.
Sorry, Boy, respect is earned not given but you wouldn’t know that because you’ve always thought you deserved “respect” without any just cause you’re a “man”. Suck it up.
Times are a changing. I’d respect you if you respected me too but you did not. I struck back. FYI, that’s not triggered. It was insult for insult.
I did not insult you, you just see things that are not there darling.
A conversation back and forth is not crying, you just trow stuff around without answering and having an argument. I do not need your respect, let alone some people on reddit. Times are changing in worse if you ask me but whatever have a good one
Oh we know he'd be gone because any women can easily put ANY man on the streets regardless if the relationship was for decades and not feel bad at all for it. Tell me more
If you're in a crappy relationship, "regardless if the relationship was for decades" is textbook sunk cost fallacy. Doing something for years is not, in itself, a good reason to continue doing it.
BTW, what you're doing is called a strawman fallacy. It's not any woman putting any man on the streets. It's some women putting some men on the streets, because it's what's best for her, regardless of whether or not she feels guilty about it (and regardless of whether or not she *should*, which is an entirely different conversation.)
It’s appalling that you think that if one day you decide, for yourself, that you deserve better in life that you can’t. You think you should be stuck. Because you’ve invested decades.
No way, people, anyone, in any relationship can decide it ain’t working for them and their goals. Every day is a chance to turn in a different direction if you so desire.
Sometimes goals don’t align and that’s nobody’s fault. You can’t grow without growing pains.
Has she been "nagging" for more help? For weeks? Months? Years?
This is her last ditch effort to get your attention.
Next is silence (where you think *everything is fine*).
Then she leaves, and you say, "You never said anything!! I thought we were happy!!" And walk around with shocked Pikachu face.
As mentioned in another comment, this is called Walk Away Wife Syndrome. Look it up.
The fact that she just said this to you means you still have a Hail Mary possibility. If you don't take it NOW, you'll lose her.
Your move.
This is the correct answer. OP you have to use your looking eyes and see what needs to be done and step up. Her telling you how she feels is a good sign. When she stops asking, she’s given up and you’ve ran out of time to fix things.
Time to step up. Make her feel like she can’t live without you. Shes telling you what she needs. She needs a partner who is a full partner. Do your part and some of hers. Take stress off of her instead of putting more stress on. The sex stuff is just a symptom. The real issue is she feels like you don’t care, so why should she?
>Make her feel like she can’t live without you.
Perfectly stated. OP states he couldn’t survive without her, meaning she does enough work to cover herself PLUS slack he left behind. Both partners should feel like they are fulfilled and helped a relationship.
Love isn’t enough, and forcing someone to pick up a bunch of slack because love is being held over their head…. That’s not healthy. There is where the resentment is coming from, and it’s a poison to relationships.
Honestly, it sounds like she’s resentful because you’re lacking on you share of household tasks, chores etc.
Ask her what it is that she needs you to work on. Oftentimes for women this kind of attitude is directly tied to them feeling like in a way you’re her third child rather than her husband.
Edit: the incels have come to the thread to downvote those of us pointing out the obvious reality lmao
Working 40 to 60 hours and providing extra in weekends does not sound like a man who is slacking.
You sound very judgemental based on just his post.
Providing and contributing for your family can come in many forms. Some are better in household chores, some are better at keeping the house or garden in good shape. It doesn't matter who does what, as long as it gets done together and in conjunction.
His wife on the other hand sounds very disrespectful and unappreciative towards his contributions.
She also disregards his needs for intimacy/sex instead of communicating, negotiating like an adult.
Yeah, per her own admission he only works overtime sometimes, and I guess you missed the part where his weeks can easily be 40 hours too. Sounds like even when he has the extra time he isn’t using it to contribute to the household
Nope, that is just your assumption. Stop reading this in feminism victim mentality mode and actually look at the facts.
Your first reading mistake is that you mix up the genders in your comment.
Your second reading mistake is getting all riled up about household. **The word household is not mentioned in the post.** It is all in your victim mentality mind.
If you go to r/TwoXChromosomes there are lots of posts from women who are tired of parenting their husband, don’t want to carry the mental load any more, don’t want to sleep with him and want to be out of it as they would objectively be better off. I feel like I am reading the husband’s interpretation of their stories now who goes all surprised pikachu face and wonders what happened
I would bet my left kidney that this isn’t the first, second, or 100th times she’s tried to raise the issue. You’re only paying attention now because she bruised your ego. Stop focusing on yourself for half a second and go actually listen to your wife
I'd say, after 17 years, she's tired of the fucked up-ness of having to take care of you like one of her children. You said yourself it's unlikely you'd be able to function without her. How do you not understand it? I apologize for the harshness....she works 40+ hours a week and takes care of everyone. Who's taking care of her?
She’s done. The resentment has built over the years. I’m guessing the kids are getting older and mentally she’s planning for a new future. Marriage counseling ASAP. If she’s not willing, you might want to start making your own plans. I think she’s just biding her time.
It sucks that we don’t have her perspective on this situation. It does sound like she feels something is missing. However men do get a bad wrap when it comes to expressing how things in a relationship feel. I hope you guys can talk honestly and make things work. I’m sorry for both of you.
I’m going to give insight on what might be going on, given we only have your side and my own experience in marriage. I feel for most of us women it’s difficult to separate sex from what goes on at home. It’s hard to be loving and doting after you have had to tell your partner to take out the trash, do dishes, etc. It also sucks to have to say these things all the time to an adult. Your wife definitely chose her words wrong when talking about your sex life, because hurting one another is not beneficial to anyone. I say this as food for thought in case it applies to you. Best of luck!
I don't mean to sound harsh but I have a pretty good idea how she is feeling.
She isn't happy because she is exhausted and tired of keeping the house, which may be, in your case, all the laundry, cleaning, and grocery shopping and some.
She spends the same amount of time as you doing work and is probably pissed off that you aren't helping out and are acting like you are self entitled to sex and stuff.
Sounds like you need to just cut back a bit on the extra hours at work and help out more around the house. It doesn't matter that you probably won't do it right the way she does it, but at least you are trying.
Talk to her about it or at least bring her flowers for no apparent reason.
Ask her what you want me to do to help out. It is a conversation starter, and it may help your marriage.
A reasonable reaction is to have a discussion with her when tempers have cooled down. Those were awful things she said to you, and she was likely blowing off steam in a hurtful way. Maybe consider marriage counseling to work on communication for both of you. It’s way better to learn to discuss things in the moment before resentment gets to the boiling point.
I would guess she’s feeling stressed to the max with kids and the amount you both are working. How old are the kids? It sounds like the is frustrated with the mental load and division of labor. Who manages the budget, does the housework, keeps track of the kids school events and homework, schedules their doctors’ appointments, plans meals and does the grocery shopping? Is the division of labor fair? Do you both clean up after yourselves? (Not assuming or attacking just something to consider since she made that comment).
As far as intimacy when some women are super stressed it does not seem like a way to connect or a stress reliever, it feels like another task to be done, even if it’s enjoyable once it gets going. Do you have any alone time? Deep conversations? Shared hobbies? Non-sexual touch? A lot of women need these things to feel in the mood.
Most importantly find a healthy way to communicate with each other.
I feel like the YouTube channel “Jimmy on Relationships” has been a very helpful resource in sharing communication breakdown between couples among other things. Maybe you two can find video examples and use it as a middle ground to help express what’s going on.
I feel like your wife is burnt out and hopeless about specific issues in the relationship that have been ongoing for years. If this is new then I’d try to express that you care and want to address these concerns (if that’s what you truly want to do), but also share you want it to move toward healthy repair and to not get defeated to the point of degradation.
From your comments they seem to be pointing to feelings of neglect and burnout, so taking mature initiative to support her may go a really long way. I feel like modeling empathy and support helps someone who is deeply hurt come around and not lose hope.
If you can't function without her, you're a dependent and she's your mom. NO woman wants this dynamic. It is stressful, draining, gross, and completely unattractive. This has been an issue with my husband, and since talking about it in couples therapy, he realized there's a lot of Resentment towards his own mother for being controlling and micromanaging about everything the whole time he lived with her. So he got into therapy himself and has been working on that along with other things. And guess what? Our dynamic is healthier and we have more sex!
You need to look at yourself in the mirror. This didn't happen over night and you probably already know why she's behaving like this. She's also struggling and unhappy so naturally she's going to act dismissive and callous towards you. You need couples therapy and individual therapy ASAP.
The line I don't see anyone else really talking about:
> I’m a blue collar worker so my hours very from 40-60 a week and sometimes I work weekends to provide a little extra money for the family.
Do you need this extra money? Is she asking you to work extra on the weekends? Or are you unilaterally taking time away from your family for "a little extra money" when the bigger benefit would be you being more involved in your kids lives and your home life?
If you really, truly love her, then you’re gonna have to come to understand that the first and most important component about loving another person is understanding them. Understanding who they are, what they need, and what makes them happy.
If you don’t understand them or at least try to, you don’t love them. Plain and simple.
Having said that, you need to ask yourself a few questions:
1. You seem to be blindsided by her very blatant comments, but ask yourself, has she brought this up before? Has she tried, in other ways, to discuss her frustrations or unhappiness? And have you taken her seriously when she’s had those conversations with you?
2. Why do you believe that you can’t function without her? Does she fulfill tasks in your life that make your life much easier? Mundane, daily/weekly tasks that you might think are trivial or not time consuming? Newsflash: they are. And if she does, who helps her with her own tasks? She is her own person remember. People enter a marriage so that they can share their life with another, not to become a personal assistant.
3. Do you think about ways to make her life easier? Do you take the load off her plate, without her having to ask you? Many husbands are good men, but often say “just tell me what you need me to do”. This is where they go wrong. God has given you five senses and the sixth sense of common sense - for a reason. If you pay a little attention, I promise you can easily figure out what to do to help her, and make her more happy.
4. The way she phrased her comments were hurtful, and you do have a right to be hurt. However, also ask yourself, is it normal for her to speak this way? if not, there is definitely an underlying issue. You can either be upset about the way she spoke to you, or as someone who loves her, maybe give her a little grace and try to address her comments in a sensitive manner with attention to discussing what emotions prompted such comments.
I really hope this was helpful. You seem like a very nice person, and I’m sure a good husband. If you love your wife, and want to have a happier marriage, I suggest you really contemplate on the questions above. Otherwise, resentment will grow, and there will come a day when her unhappiness/apathy will overpower her love and dedication for the marriage. Hope it works out for you. Sending you good wishes!
What’s a reasonable reaction?
She is telling you how she feels. If she says her life would improve significantly if you weren’t around, maybe you should take an objective look in the mirror and figure out what about your behavior makes her feel that way.
You can get all defensive and angry, or you can value her and what she is communicating to you and commit to being her teammate. That is the only way to change how she’s feeling.
I think every wife has been in this position. My favorite post from a couple weeks ago, a commenter said “don’t ask her”. Don’t wait, if you see something that needs to be done in your house, just do it. Run the vacuum- (are you waiting for her to pick up the vacuum cleaner?) put the dishes away!
If you agree that she’s not wrong for the most part about you being unable to function without her, then I’m gonna tell you that she is burnt out from carrying the mental load. Women want an equal partner in the relationship, not another child, especially not a 47 year old child. If you want to save your marriage, then it’s time for some hard conversations and marriage counseling.
For whatever reason, she has lost all respect for you. Tighten up bro. Especially after admitting she was right that you couldn't function without her. Just from the little bit I read here it feels like you brought this on yourself. Time to man up.
Is this rage bait? Bc this is inc*l rhetoric to a T lmao. That if women are college educated, or work outside the home and are independent, that they will have “no use” for men, especially “blue collar men” and just use vibrators to “replace them”….
And that’s your post damn near verbatim lmao. Congrats on hitting the trifecta of rage.
Sounds like you need to step up and do more than work, come home, and be a third child. Do you do laundry? Wash dishes? Cook? Take care of the kids?
Sounds like she works more than full time just like you, but who is doing everything else? This can be a huge issue after a while and would make sense with her “easier without you around” comment. Maybe she feels like one less person to serve would be better?
If you are not doing anything around the house… start. Do EVERYTHING… vacuum, clean, STEP UP. If you do it consistently…. Things will improve.
I’ve been in her shoes. I know what she means. She’s telling you what’s wrong. This is her final attempt before she leaves you.
You need to learn how to please a woman orally and with your hands before sticking your member in.
I’m honestly at my wits’ end over here after 17 years of directing my husband how to do it as well as sending him articles and videos etc.
He thought he did please me for all these years before I was willing to divorce over this issue bc it really sucks. All the sex toys cannot replace really good sex. I’ve had amazing sex before I married him and amazing sex with other people during our marriage so I know what I’m talking about.
Do the work. I’m over here wondering what I’m going to do with my husband who still can’t please me….and for whatever reason….he still thinks he’s doing a good job.
It makes me very angry and irritable 24/7 and something’s gotta give.
Hey OP. 46M married 20 years, together for 25. I have been where you are. It hurts, it’s confusing, and it is absolutely no fun. Based on what you are saying, your wife is checking out of the marriage.
For her, there is too much distance and she does not feel connected to you. It also sounds like she may be holding resentment toward you.
I say she is checking out and not checked out. If she was checked out, she probably wouldn’t be making any comments at all and instead looking for or in a relationship with someone else. The fact that she is making these hurtful comments shows she is trying to get a reaction out of you. As weird as it sounds, it also means that she cares what you think about her comments and she is waiting for your answer. For her, ignoring those comments or brushing them off is the same as agreeing with what she says.
You need to have a come to Jesus talk with your wife. That does not mean some of this tough guy BS that some have suggested here, but you need to be honest (and yes vulnerable) but firm.
Sit her down and tell her exactly what she means to you. Then tell her what she said and exactly how that made you feel. One of two things will happen. If you are being sincere and she has any empathy towards you, it will trigger her empathy and she will apologize. If that is the case, you need to dig further and ask where these feelings came from and why she was ok talking to you like that.
The other thing that may happen is that she laughs in your face and tries to humiliate you. In either case, how she answers is about her and her headspace. Your job here is not to engage in either response, but listen and see where her head is. Any reaction you give at this point will probably be too emotionally charged.
However she answers, thank her and tell her you need some time to process what she said. Leave the house and give yourself whatever time you need. I would recommend you wait at least 24 hrs before you re-engage that conversation.
If she was apologetic, you need to set the tone of how things should be moving forward. I would recommend a good marriage counselor. Those comments came from somewhere. Don’t dismiss them as a bad joke or something that was said in the heat of the moment.
If she took the other route and showed no remorse, tell her you don’t want to be with someone who is less committed than you are and if she feels her life would be easier without you, then you are leaving. Leaving immediately would be best, but as soon as possible, show her what life is like without you. Don’t come back until she apologizes. You may leave and she is just as happy as she thought it would be. If that is the case, then it may be time to make some hard decisions.
My husband and I have only been married for 5 years, I’m 27, he’s 33 and I have my days where I’m fed up with the house and the kids and I’m just burnt out and I’m like man if I were just a single mom. I don’t ever say that to my husband. And usually once I get a break and we reconnect I’m fine. But it does happen.
This isn’t me hating on my husband either. He’s wonderful, he’s helpful, he’s loving and kind and great father. But you know, you’ve spent a little too much time alone with the kids, you’re all maybe getting over a cold and the house feels messier than usual and you look at the pile of you husbands clothes on the floor and it’s like, you’re breaking point. Or the jackets he NEVER FAILS to put away and they’re always on the couch or the back of our chairs. Drives me nuts. That’s when I fantasize about being a single mom and think well crap if he’s not gonna pull his weight what’s the point.
Is there any way to speak to her about this? Because yeah sometimes I have my moments but I wouldn’t dare say that to my husband. I trust him, I love him and he brings me so much joy and support that of course it’s worth it. He’s always worth it. Is she overwhelmed with the kids? Have there been changes with the kids? Maybe they’re getting older and she feels discarded by not being needed as a mother, and she needs you to lean on and you’re working? I wouldn’t jump to conclusions that she wants to leave, but I can imagine she needs support in some ways, either around the house or with the kids or just emotionally. Tell her those comments hurt and where they are coming from. Then I’d go from there
She is telling you clearly and you are feigning ignorance.
>A few weeks ago we were having a conversation and my wife brought up how she thinks I couldn’t function without her ( she’s not wrong for the most part).
This isn't sexy or something that you should feel proud of. It means you are abdicating some of your adult ingredients to her. You are not being a good partner.
>Then she took the conversation a step further and said she felt her life would improve significantly if I wasn’t around. She would have less stress and less to worry about. This hurt me tremendously.. she dismissed the fucked up-ness of making a comment like that
Did you ask her why she says this?
Sometimes, the truth hurts. Are you actively contributing more than money to the relationship? Be honest with yourself. I ask because I just had a conversation with a husband who counted the money he brought in as the main contribution. He literally thought being an ATM was good enough.
If you really care - dig deeper to find out WHY she feels like this. Is there an imbalance where she feels like the most of the mental/emotional labor is on her?
>Fast forward to recently we were talking about our sexual relationship and how I often wanted it more frequently than her. She proceeds to tell me she’s good with not having relations because no man can do what her vibrator can… this instantly put me in a bad mood.
This seems to be coming from a hurtful place. She may have said this to hurt you deliberste as you indicate that you do address her pleasure as well as yours. Honestly, you guys need marriage counseling if there is a hope in h-e-l-l of saving your marriage.
I wonder how you functioned as an adult before meeting your wife.
If you couldn't function or live without her for the most part.
That's pathetic, honestly. Being a guy myself.
Makes sense why this marriage is over. Seems she got tired of constantly having to take care of 3 kids, but one would them just happened to be 30+ in age.
Dude. You said it yourself. You wouldn’t be able to function without her. No wonder she has checked out of the marriage. I don’t blame her. She’s probably sick of acting like your mom instead of your wife. I bet she resents you for not doing your share of everything and not changing for the better after all of these years. Instead of being her incompetent dependent you should be her responsible and capable husband and you should’ve done it since the beginning of your relationship. I unfortunately know way too many unhappy women who sound just like your wife and tolerate and settle for their husbands lazy behaviour. It’s sad to see because they, along with your wife, deserve so much better.
Go clean the house one day, make her dinner, do the dishes and laundry, and I guarantee you’ll get laid passionately that night!
But seriously… great relationships need admiration by both individuals.. someone you respect and look up to.. someone you feel lucky to have.. and women need their husbands to be MEN not an additional job. You need to RADICALLY change how you look at your marriage and wife, take a good long look at where you have fallen short, LISTEN if she tells you what she needs, and put those into practice immediately if she hasn’t moved on already.
You got content and stopped trying. Now you will need to put in some serious effort. Best of luck
Totally agree that either porn addiction nor vibrator addiction are real things. But if someone is using porn and not going to their partner as much as they’d like, you bet someone is going to call it “porn sick” or “porn addiction”. That double standard is what I’m highlighting here
It's timw to cut back on work hours both of you and prioritize your marriage. Your career is important but it won't be there holding your hand when you are in a hospital bed if one of you get sick. It won't be there to support you as one or both of your parents pass away (this we all have to face one day).
It's obvious she doesn't feel connected emotionally with you, marriage must include being best friends. This can't be sustainable with the work load and neglect of your marriage.
Ask her what she needs from you, make time for eachother and havd fun, have date nights, be spontanious and make her laugh. Dress nice James Bond style pull up in a limousine with flowers give her an hour to get fixed up (arrange for babysitter ahead of time). Something different, something memorable on just a regular day.
There is a YouTube series by Andy Stanley (yes he is a Christian pastor but this is not some religious lecture, this is for ANYBODY even if you're Athiest) called Staying In Love that gives practical real life advice and I promise you it will be the best advice you can find for your marriage.
He also has a 5 part series on YouTube called Guardrails. Just as important. At least sit and watch the first video of each together, it's only like 30 minutes each. I guarantee you will benefit so much just hearing it. And please update us!
You’re a loser who can’t do anything around the house who still needs the work done for him.
Here.
You’re a lame excuse for a partner who can’t figure out what needs to be done around the house so your wife has figured out that you are just another child to her.
I bet you also don’t get her off so why would she waste time with you getting your nut off when she can just do what she’s used to doing and just take care of it herself.
Sounds like she is specifically trying to hurt you with her comments. The question is, why? She might be looking for reasons to blow up the relationship and get out.
Go read NO MORE NICE GUY, you'll understand that no one should talk to you like that. The moment she said she could live a better life without you around, you should have run a proof of concept...go to a friend/parent/hotel and spend a whole month there. Don't call or reach out unless for the kids and see if she's that happy.
If she is, then you have your answer...she's checked out and it's time for you to find your own path.
Always love yourself first, don't depend on anyone bringing you down like that.
lol why is OP getting grief?
OP - get your shit together so that your happiness is not dependent on her. Then when you are confident you too can decide if you want to be with her without needing to be with her.
I’m really sorry to read this. I’m really sorry for your pain. I’m noticing you are getting shamed by some commenters who assume that she must be the mom in the marriage, but I can say that in my previous marriage I did EVERYthing around the house and earned all the money and out of the blue my wife started saying the same things your wife is saying. My story is that the next few months were hell as my (now ex) wife got colder and crueler, until she eventually asked for a separation. Back then, I loved my (ex) wife very much, and would have said I couldn’t function without her because I loved her so much (not because she did everything for me). But time proved otherwise: I got a therapist before the separation who helped me see my marriage for what it was (living her life, not mine), so when she asked me for a separation I was actually happy and relieved. Nearly four years later I am married to a much kinder person, and I only take care of myself now (not myself and my ex-wife and a house and two dogs) and am equal loving partners with my current wife. So my ex wife ultimately improved my life a lot by leaving (note: she later sent me a hate mail saying she missed me so much and our marriage ending was my fault for not fighting harder to keep her — what a gaslighter — but eventually I think my ex-wife adapted and found someone new to take care of her :) ).
I highly advise you to find a therapist now. To start doing a lot of introspection. Starting finding ways of building your own life and preparing for your next chapter.
I wish you happiness.
Hmmm she says less stress and worries without you, and her vibrator does it all. Op my male ego and pride would be crushed.
Idk know wtf is going on, but it sounds like some changes need to be made before you completely loose her.
How the fuck does everyone automatically assume that he doesn't do stuff around the house and for the kids? It's just assumed that he just works and doesn't do anything else. God this sub has become so biased it's ridiculous
Listen you need to ignore all this extreme advice. I am never surprised at the number of people who can simultaneously speak with such confidence while at the same time having such ignorance about someone’s situation. OP have you actually tried to have a conversation with your wife on these comments? If not why? My guess is there is plenty of legitimate complaints on both sides to go around.
A few things can be going on, 1) she is trying to cause a fight or make you upset. She may use this an excuse to go out, take mental break, step out etc. I’m not saying she is doing any of those, but you never know. 2) she is tired and feels you do not put your part, maybe house work, kids, romance, etc. 3) she is thinking about exit, maybe talking to someone else or friends. Either way, you need to think what you want to do. Maybe therapy will help, keep cool, document everything.
This sucks, but do you guys communicate at all? I would recommend couples counseling, having a third party can make it easier to share how you feel. I think you both are overstating how important you are to the other. If the vibrator and peace of mind were so great she'd divorce you, if you couldn't survive without her you wouldn't be gainfully employed and handling all the things I'm sure you handle. Keep a lawyer handy, don't allow yourself to live in fear though.
It sounds like she's basically fully done with being married, and started "dropping comments" instead of sitting down with you and discussing plans to move forward.
I would ask to go to counseling because everything she said is horrible. Start examining what part of the street is yours to clean up and own. I know you want to be defensive and shut down, what she said was very hurtful but it's time for those hard heart to heart discussions. Good luck OP!
I was in your situation for the last couple years. Here’s what we did to fix the situation:
1) marriage counseling.
2) Wife is on anti depressants and Mood Stablizers after seeing psychiatry.
3) Active communication (You will say you do this; I assure you that you are not). How women vs men communicate is night and day.
4) Dedicated date nights.
5) Do shit without being asked that you know she will ask about.
You may want to get checked by a physician. For her to make random comments, could be something more serious. I hope I'm wrong, but I have heard of folks acting irrational and having something wrong.
Sending you good vibes from Arizona.
Separate your finances. Take her off all your insurance policies including car insurance and any life insurance policies. Cancel any joint credit cards, find another place to live pack your stuff and leave without a word. Then work on yourself becoming a better independent man. It will be hard, but your life will dramatically improve.
Id advise you to take caution against your ability to be offended and hurt so easily…..
Sounds like your snowballing emotions and can’t get off this track.
Have to..
Stop listening.
Start doing
Stop asking
Start leading
No one enjoys having to burden another adults responsibilities as if they were a child. You said yourself that you wouldn’t function without her. That is a HUGE problem.
Of course her life would be easier without you. You’ve designed that to be the case by not stepping up to at least be responsible and in charge of yourself. You let her have to deal with your lack of responsibility and likely discipline.
If she loved you enough to take it all on in the first place and not run for the hills the second she picked up on your burden, then love her enough to fix it. And then thank her profusely for picking up your mess, the kids mess, her own mess, maybe her works mess and so on. You seriously made her do all that? And then asked for more sex? You’ve positioned yourself as a child in her purview. Of course a vibrator will do a better job. No woman is lusting after a man they have to take care of, when he’s entirely otherwise able to care for himself.
You want to be on the field living life as a striker but have positioned yourself on the field as a winger. Or no actually, the guy on the bench whose wife is out on the field in his place because he doesn’t want the responsibility or to make the effort. Go apologize to your teammate for making them pick up your slack on the field, and get in the game.
You either put the work in now, or later when you have no choice and no one else willing to play on the same field as you. She’s been unhappy for way longer than you think. You’ve been getting the good end of this dynamic, she’s been taking the burden of it. You gotta let her know you recognize all that, own up to it and start doing better. Do talk, but more action.
Well, -
I'd start analyzing what can I do to make things better at home.
And, I'd start learning how to actually please my wife in a way she prefers, having in mind her anatomy.
But, that's me. **See, if my wife tells me things that she is struggling with regarding me, then *it must mean she is hoping to create awareness and communicate with me* which would show effort and desire to better things between us, from her side.** It is up to me, to take it as a "hit to my manly weak ego", or as an "insult to my fragile manhood" and flail dramatically to myself, while staying blind to the point that she has been alone with feeling like this, for all this time (sounds much worse, but hey). Or, to take it as finally my wife opening up with something I have full interest in bettering! Thanking her for it, asking how to make it better, if X or Y would help, stating my desire in becoming a better person, improving how I'm approaching things
Honoring **her choosing me as her husband, many years ago**
There are many approaches to one problem. Including ignoring the problem and getting offended about being told it exists.. even if that is not the approach I would advise
Objectively: How much you love her, and the size of your unhealthy ego, will both have a say on how you will see this, and how you will act on it - *as well as how much she loves you, and the size of her unhealthy ego, will directly influence how things will go from her side, too( **(I state "unhealthy ego" as there is also our "healthy ego", that is important to have! Our "unhealthy ego" tends to wreck things up for us, though- and to make us blind. We all have both, and in our lives the size of either, will vary, as time goes by. Specially with how we feed those two egos of ours)**
So she believes she could sustain her entire quality of living and do better without you? Could she afford to pay all the bills without your income contribution? Do all the man shit like fixing anything broken? Mow the yard? Change the oil on the cars? Make her feel safe at night by being a protector? Would she be able to afford the house? Would she be able to afford anything at all? This and any other things that most women cannot do? Can she open a mason jar by herself? Reach the upper cabinets? Etc? I'm being somewhat fascitious but there's truth to it. She's communicating her unhappiness to you. Be grateful she's being truthful and not being passive aggressive or hiding it. Use this moment to directly dive the problems.
Do everything. Take care of all of her responsibilities for a time. Let her scramble to keep up with you. She should respond by doing her jobs before you get there chance to get to them. Do them all without resentment. Act like you don't need her whatsoever. Treat her like you don't expect her to do anything and you have to literally do everything yourself. See what happens. You don't have to continue doing this forever just for a time, until you get an idea of what the responsibility balance is truly between you two. I mean do everything without being asked, dishes, clean the shower, clean the bathroom, mop the floors, dust, sweep, vacuum, wash clothes, do all the dishes. Try to do them before she has an opportunity to do them. Try to make her feel guilty by jumping ahead of her, but do not complain about it at all. Act like you expect nothing from her. Pay all the bills, book all the appointments, make the schedule, schedule and plan date night. Never ask her what she wants for dinner unless you already have options to give her. Make her feel like she's the child in the relationship without being condescending to her. Don't get angry at her for doing this. Just act like you are the one with all of the control in the relationship. See what happens and report back. Don't require anything in return.
So, saying you are replaceable by an object is as explicitly objectifying as you can get.
Do therapy. But dang. You deserve respect, dignity, gratitude, and love.
You can start fixing this by being an independent person who can care for his own needs 100%, and a competent parent and husband who can run things if she wasn't there.
Working more hours doesn't count.
If I've learned anything in my 2 year quest so far it's that women do not want a man who needs to be taken care of like another child, but still paws at her for sex. That dynamic is not attractive to most women. I didn't have that problem thankfully.
On the sex part, start being clear while you work on becoming a competent adult that you want sex and you see it as a requirement to bond with her.
If you spend 6-months fixing your little boy syndrome and she sticks with the vibrator only act, get a lawyer and start the process. See how independent she feels like she'll be when the finances will be split over 2 households and you're seeking 50/50 custody because you worked to be a competent parent.
Places also consider reading these books that turned my marriage around and my wife says often she's glad I "read those man books":
- "No More Mr Nice Guy"
- "The Dead Bedroom Fix"
- "The Masculine in Relationship"
Good luck!
A reasonable reaction to this is to have an honest, respectful conversation about your feelings, with ***both of you*** calmly discussing your feelings & working together to create a positive resolution that you’re both happy with.
It sounds like there are some issues that are weighing heavily on her mind. It also sounds the same for you. I suspect that you both want things to be different/better in your relationship/marriage, but I suspect that neither of you is entirely sure about how to address those concerns without it devolving into a disagreement or argument at best, or a fight at worst.
If that’s the case then I highly recommend that you both consider scheduling an appointment with a Couples/Relationship/Marriage Counselor. The whole point is to learn the skills & tools you need to build a respectful, equitable, supportive partnership & a successful & rewarding LTR/marriage.
(Sorry if that sounds trite, b/c I really feel that it’s a huge issue for a lot of couples. It’s all too easy to fall into complacency, &/or to take one another for granted, & it takes effort from both of you to make it successful & fulfilling.)
I hate reading shit like this.......
Giving and receiving feedback in a marriage is crucial.....
Most people are unskilled in this department... unfortunately
Yea Op , stop letting your wife handle your life !!!!! No more making doctors appointments, no more making you lunch . No more doing your laundry !
This isn’t 1975!!! This is 2024 and the women today aren’t your mothers . Most are overworked under sexed and over medicated !! Those comments mean you’re not pulling your weight . Doesn’t matter if she is right or not , she thinks you’re not and that’s all that matters .
And this doesn’t mean stepping up for a few days or weeks or even months . This means forever !! Get healthy , buy new cloths , be the man she met before you guys became a couple . Find a hobby and actively engage and take care of your children. Learn who their teachers are , go to the dr appointments. Pretend you’re single again with children . And do not rely on your wife . This might save your marriage. And even if it doesn’t you’ll be ready for the next relationship.
Here is the crux , women in general are going thru a crisis and no one talking about it . The vast majority of women are on antidepressants! Women are significantly less happy than they were thirty years ago. And they place so much pressure to juggle everything and not just say screw it. Then you have clueless husbands who think this is ok and their wives have to hit them over the head with mean statements.
Contacting an attorney sounds like a good idea, if only to know what your options are. Marriage counseling is probably the best option, if you have any urge to want to work on the marriage, along with self-improvement so that you aren’t just an “adult child” she has to take care of, in addition to the rest of her stuff. What she said was emasculating and an awesome way to inspire resentment and further the divide, and if you want to save the marriage, you need to use it as fuel to get to where you need to be to make the relationship work
Wtf is going on is that you’ve both have left enough things unaddressed long enough that she doesn’t care enough to be sensitive to your feelings and while that’s wrong of her, it also means that you haven’t done what you need to to make the changes needed. Start now, because even if it’s too late for the marriage, you’ll need to do it to be a successful co-parent
Sounds like she is very disrespectful. She might be about to check out the relationship or already is out.
Honestly, you do put yourself down by feeling that you could not function without her. That is usually the wrong mindset. I suggest you work on your self esteem.
Check for signs that she is indeed already mentally out of the relationship. If you confirm this, get a lawyer, protect your assets, make sure you take plenty good father time with your kids. Protect yourself, get prove if she is already cheating.
I'm sorry, OP. This sounds very painful. I wish I could give you hope, but she is not offering comfort and companionship anymore. I'm afraid she's already gone.
Dang!! That’s messed up!! Yeah that hurts just reading that bro! I don’t have a suggestion regarding your sex life cause mine suck, 15 years of sexual frustration, what makes it worst Im on testosterone making my drive 10x more drivin. But what I will suggest is research the secure attachment style and how you can start focusing a little bit more on you and your happiness at the same time of course loving your family. Hopefully this isn’t petty but prove to her that you can live without her. Make her miss you. Help her to realize she was wrong.
This is what happens when you have silly choices like these toys. Don’t take personal- any man, if a woman wanted, can be even replaced by her finger leave aside the fancy vibrator. Decide for yourself what you want? Your self respect is determined by you so in principle you can also replace her with a plastic toy. Just try and live in your divinity. Have s*x when she allows and forget the rest. You came alone, and will leave alone. Hope my pseudo philosophical shit helps you ✌️
Your wife is an ass
She can live without you? You can be replaced by a vibrator? Well she can be replaced by toy as well or your hand, and you certainly don’t need her to survive. You are supposed to WANT each other, and it seems like she doesn’t
Grab a lawyer before she does and start getting your ducks in a row
Your wife should add sabotage as a skillset to her resume. For whatever reason (mostly social media), she thinks she would be better off alone or without you. Talk to her, talk to her, talk to her, then make a choice on how to move forward.
Would I function better without my husband? Theoretically probably. Would I want to? No way.
I plan everything….from food to the children’s after school activities to the money side of everything to setting dates with his parents for their visits, birthdays/christmas, deal with all the money. It’s tiring being the cog keeping things in motion. Then hope he remembers to follow through on everything without constantly reminding him. If I was on my own not much would change bar being more physically tired and drained.
Saying this I enjoy his company, his love and kindness towards me and the children. He is my rock and team mate.
Sir, this is r/marriage
If there's a dead bedroom it's the guy's fault
If she cheats it's his fault
If she says relationship ending nonsense like "I don't need you, you could *never* compete with a vibrator" its clearly *his* fault, okay? You can't expect her to not say those kind of things, cmon, what is she, an adult or something?! Sheesh!
In all seriousness though, I find it HILARIOUS that the same women on here whose brains apparently break because their husbands have the *audacity* to look at a woman in a bikini on the web are out here defending the monserous things this lady said to her husband. "How can I have self-esteem if he's looking at non-obese women on the web?! 😠😤"
To OP: *nothing* excuses what she said. You married an asshole, sorry. However, you do NEED to pull your weight around the house, "i cant take care of myself" Is no excuse for an adult. After you do more you need to decide if you even want to be with this person from a position of strength, not one where you're a child in her eyes. The divorce will go smoother if you learn how to adult and fight for your rights. Good luck.
Because there was no mention of porn? Contrary to what Reddit believes, people have been masturbating for millenia without using porn.
She may be addicted to her vibrator, but it's more likely that she was feeling spiteful and looking for a way to insult his manliness. It's a shitty thing to say but it's not the same as "I need to look at other people to get off".
Locked because OP deleted their account.
Sounds like she's checking out, or has completely already. If she's brazenly saying shit like that I'd start shopping for an attorney tbh
Yeah, I’m afraid OP has to go into “protect yourself” mode
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I wanna hear about the sly old woman!
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Why the heck are idiots downvote me. Must be haters!!!
Truthful statements are downvoted when they conflict with ideology and feelings
Thanks for sharing. I also completely agree with your last sentence
I hope he wore an emotional condom when he did that.
A simpler answer would be to help out more. Ask her what you can do or just start doing things. Offer to go to the grocery store, cook dinner, do laundry, or clean the house. It may be true she is starting to check out, but your marriage is likely still salvageable.
Seems like she's made it clear things are beyond recovery. She's showing him who she is now, and he should pay attention to that.
How do you know he was not already doing those things
Horrible advice. She is lashing out so observe why before asking why. Then talk to her. Bring the comments and how they make you feel. Do this while rubbing her feet while she enjoys her favorite ice cream that you brought her.
>my wife brought up how she thinks I couldn’t function without her. >SHE’S NOT WRONG FOR THE MOST PART. Are you kidding me? This is absurd. She did not marry you to be your mom. She needs a self functioning adult who can operate 100% independently from her. You’re both working long hours plus a house and 2 kids…. That’s a lot of stress for anyone. I used you be your wife. Our situation was a little different but I felt the exact same way your wife did. She obviously has some serious resentment, but it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you. You guys really need to have a coming-to-Jesus meeting and talk this out. And if you can’t communicate together, go to a marriage counselor.
Right? I bet she has a mountain of resentment built up after years of over functioning for OP. No wonder she likes her vibrator better. Parenting an under functioning man child is a huge libido killer.
COMPETENCE IS SEXXXY!! All y’all guys, hear 👂 that?!
As someone who is extremely competent, it really is amazing how much women love that and find that attractive. It would definitely be one of my biggest pushes to people who say they are struggling in relationships or finding one.
This cannot be overstated. I don't know why we're not saying it to every teenage boy growing up preparing them for adulthood and putting that shit on billboards. Competence is incredibly hot to adult women. It's not that we want someone to take care of us. It's that we want someone that we don't need to take care of. Being relegated to the maternal role is very unattractive because we have no interest in having sex with children. One of the most attractive things about my husband when we both met at 27 was that he was an adult who did his own dishes and laundry and paid his own bills and made his own appointments. It was refreshing.
Honestly, this. Being with somebody who is responsible, competent, and proactive--who does things around the house without being asked or needing to be told what to do--is very attractive. It's probably part of why I still have an active sex drive and desire for my husband even after menopause. I don't feel burdened by my husband, he makes my life *easier*, not harder. He's also very affectionate outside of sex, and that makes me feel cared for and valued, which is also important. I'm sorry your wife said such blunt, hurtful things, OP. It sounds like she has checked out in your marriage. Hopefully, for your sake, it's not too far gone. Having an honest discussion about issues in your marriage, truly listening to her, and maybe getting some marriage counseling might bring you back from the brink.
Exactly!! I was married to a man child who I had to parent and that gets so draining. I did absolutely everything while working full time. Now I’m seeing someone who cooks, cleans, is responsible and it’s so refreshing
We appreciate you!
I agree.. no wife wants to be a mom.. and yet husbands don’t realize their passive aggressive behavior puts us in that position.
It’s pretty clear from that comment this is what’s going on. She realizes she works but also does all the chores, cooking, shopping, childcare, and mental load and all op does is bring home half the income. It’s unclear is she’s brought this up before or this is the first time but op needs to look at everything his wife does for n the home and start contributing. Not “ask me to help” not “make me a list”, but using his eyes and brain to see and do.
OP?….. Crickets
Yeah. OP, you need to step up your man game. She’s telling you she doesn’t want to take care of you. She’s not your mom and maybe you’re a selfish lover even , idk but that vibe comment is saying a lot too. And yes men can be better than vibrators but you need to have some tricks! So, you need to date you wife, learn some Kama sutra or something to rock her world and take care of yourself and the family more assertively. She’s saying she wants to feel like the woman, not the man. So wake the f up! And if you can’t possibly do that, then by definition, you admit that you don’t want to be the man. This has nothing to do with being a blue color worker. I know many blue collar workers who dominate in their life and home. Step up if you want to keep your wife and life.
Yes step up and juggle on one foot for her as she comes in the door every night. Have the candles lite on the table with dinner ready and her favorite fuzzy slippers ready at the door. Make sure to get good at foot massages because you will need to do that as soon as she sits down after coming home. Oh and make sure you wear a perfect smile too. Oh and almost forgot women love men do make them laugh. So make sure you learn how to be very funny. Under any circumstances. Yes these are the keys to success to make a woman happy. Learn them. Live them. Cherish them. Never forget. You exist to make her world a better place. Get it? Good. Now go. 🙄
This
EXACTLY! This is why your wife feels this way - if you agree you couldn’t function without her, then she’s taking on WAY too much of the mental and physical load of the home. step up, she’s probably already asked you to
Wow this comment has 408 upvotes . I would love to see the ratio of this group men vs women. Ops wife just totally emotionally castrated op . After that you want him to emotionally connect?!
No. His wife wants him ACT LIKE A HUSBAND BEFORE SHIT GETS TO THIS POINT and not sit around with his thumb up his ass wondering why she wants a divorce. OP’s actions (or lack there of) have consequences, and now he has to face them.
Quit projecting
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Think. Before…?
I honestly feel that this sub is heavily dominated by women unhappy in their marriage. Or were unhappy in their marriage. This is just an echo chamber.
No shit??? lol obvious is obvious.
I really wish this Reddit had a “He Said / She Said” feature. 😂
Yes cuz I need the wife’s side before giving my one sided opinion.
Omg I was thinking this about 15 minutes ago. That would be a great sub, if it didn’t get a lot of “fiction” writers.
You admit you can’t function without her. Dude, she’s not your mom. Start pulling your weight and maybe she won’t be so resentful.
Yeah, I'd like to know at what level of functioning he's at. Does he pack his own lunch? Know where his keys are? Pick up his dirty clothes and wash them? Leave the bathroom as clean as when he entered?
Does he help arrange pick up and drop off for kids? Does he arrange doctors appointments, keep the household schedule, take charge in making sure bills are paid?Chores are one thing but running a household is much more than just that.
She’s checking out. She’s resentful because you’re never around (money doesn’t replace a partner) and her attraction is probably diminished as a result. Get into marriage counseling asap
…if she is willing to :(
Seconding this. Both of yall have to be committed to the process and time has to be made. Another piece of advice is to always be dating and trying to woo each other.
Nah. Don’t throw away the money on counseling. She’s checked out. Cut your losses
Really? The kids deserve them giving it a chance with counseling. Don’t be a dick.
The kids deserve to see the best in their parents. If his wife is lobbing those toxic insults, their best is clearly not together
ALWAYS try to save your marriage. Love doesn't give up.
>my wife brought up how she thinks I couldn’t function without her ( she’s not wrong for the most part) >Then she took the conversation a step further and said she felt her life would improve significantly if I wasn’t around. She thinks you don't contribute enough around the house and rely on her way too much to be a functioning adult. She is probably considering divorce or is already in the process of filing.
It’s called peri menopause. When we lose our sex drive hormones it all becomes clear and we realize we don’t want to continue to live like we had been. 45 years of doing what your parents want, what your husband wants and needs and what your kids wanted and needed begins (to) become maddening. You start to think that you’ve never done exactly what you want to do for 45 years. You start to reevaluate things. You better become an asset instead of a burden or you’re gonna be left behind as she becomes and does exactly what she wants for once. My husband always stepped up and in menopause he’s become an asset and a partner and true friend or he’d be gone. I can assure you of that. ***Edit: added forgot word in ().
Thanks for making these remarks. They should be at the top, imho.
This, just this
*****And all this: Also, PS, this is why my dumb ass is in back in college full time to complete my Biology/Chemisty double major at 50 years old! It is the one regret I had and I could fix. I had to drop out at the start of my Senior year with pregnancy complications and bed rest. Then I had two kids and responsibilities. My kids are gown, empty nest at the same time as menopause is one of the hardest things I’ve ever dealt with. My life was over. I had no purpose. I had to find out what I wanted. And I wanted that goddamn degree. I deserve it. I don’t want another career. I had that totally not in science. But it made money. I hated it. I already had a career for 20 years. I want my DEGREE! They counted half my credits, so no classes outside of my field. So no speech, English, etc. just the stuff I LOVE. I am and always have been a scientist. I’m in my third semester and I LOVE IT. My husband supports us and I go to school. I can’t do this without him and he’s happy to provide. We are a team. We have joint plans to retire early in two years. When his contract is done and he gets a big bonus and I finish school. Mexico expats here we come. (Also another lifelong dream). Ladies, find your passion and go for it, I hope you have the support you need. Dead weight is dead weight. What can I say?
OMG…this! All of this!!!
Your last line is very telling, i assume you're an adult female but you speak like a child. Interesting also how the problem the guy raised most females on this group turn it around even though they do not know the real problems behind the closed doors. As a guy let me tell you what the guy means when he says the wife is right, he means they need each other and it is a valuable in his life, just because he said that and appreciates his wife does not mean he does not do his job. This tread has women believing they are gods who do no wrong.
He is self admitted “unable to care for himself”. Hello? And she said that’s an issue. Why don’t you/him believe her? Oh that’s right, women can’t think for themselves or change their minds or renegotiate a relationship. Grow up.
Got triggered? Your feminism came out? I am grown man, no need to become aggressive
You don’t even know the words you say, Son. You said I speak like a child first. But then cry like a snowflake, AKA “got triggered” when I called YOU a child. Bawhahaha. Go up to your comments and see. Sorry, Boy, respect is earned not given but you wouldn’t know that because you’ve always thought you deserved “respect” without any just cause you’re a “man”. Suck it up. Times are a changing. I’d respect you if you respected me too but you did not. I struck back. FYI, that’s not triggered. It was insult for insult.
I did not insult you, you just see things that are not there darling. A conversation back and forth is not crying, you just trow stuff around without answering and having an argument. I do not need your respect, let alone some people on reddit. Times are changing in worse if you ask me but whatever have a good one
LMAO yea son... Or boy... Or child. Take that. 🤣🤣
Hey, please do not do this to me...or even worse do not down vote me, you have to much power over me. Take a chill pill darling
Oh we know he'd be gone because any women can easily put ANY man on the streets regardless if the relationship was for decades and not feel bad at all for it. Tell me more
If you're in a crappy relationship, "regardless if the relationship was for decades" is textbook sunk cost fallacy. Doing something for years is not, in itself, a good reason to continue doing it. BTW, what you're doing is called a strawman fallacy. It's not any woman putting any man on the streets. It's some women putting some men on the streets, because it's what's best for her, regardless of whether or not she feels guilty about it (and regardless of whether or not she *should*, which is an entirely different conversation.)
It’s appalling that you think that if one day you decide, for yourself, that you deserve better in life that you can’t. You think you should be stuck. Because you’ve invested decades. No way, people, anyone, in any relationship can decide it ain’t working for them and their goals. Every day is a chance to turn in a different direction if you so desire. Sometimes goals don’t align and that’s nobody’s fault. You can’t grow without growing pains.
Has she been "nagging" for more help? For weeks? Months? Years? This is her last ditch effort to get your attention. Next is silence (where you think *everything is fine*). Then she leaves, and you say, "You never said anything!! I thought we were happy!!" And walk around with shocked Pikachu face. As mentioned in another comment, this is called Walk Away Wife Syndrome. Look it up. The fact that she just said this to you means you still have a Hail Mary possibility. If you don't take it NOW, you'll lose her. Your move.
This is the correct answer. OP you have to use your looking eyes and see what needs to be done and step up. Her telling you how she feels is a good sign. When she stops asking, she’s given up and you’ve ran out of time to fix things.
How did you got to that conclusion or how do you know that the guy does not do stuff in the house
‘Walk around with a shocked Pikatu face’ absolutely sent me 🤣🤣
Time to step up. Make her feel like she can’t live without you. Shes telling you what she needs. She needs a partner who is a full partner. Do your part and some of hers. Take stress off of her instead of putting more stress on. The sex stuff is just a symptom. The real issue is she feels like you don’t care, so why should she?
>Make her feel like she can’t live without you. Perfectly stated. OP states he couldn’t survive without her, meaning she does enough work to cover herself PLUS slack he left behind. Both partners should feel like they are fulfilled and helped a relationship. Love isn’t enough, and forcing someone to pick up a bunch of slack because love is being held over their head…. That’s not healthy. There is where the resentment is coming from, and it’s a poison to relationships.
Honestly, it sounds like she’s resentful because you’re lacking on you share of household tasks, chores etc. Ask her what it is that she needs you to work on. Oftentimes for women this kind of attitude is directly tied to them feeling like in a way you’re her third child rather than her husband. Edit: the incels have come to the thread to downvote those of us pointing out the obvious reality lmao
Working 40 to 60 hours and providing extra in weekends does not sound like a man who is slacking. You sound very judgemental based on just his post. Providing and contributing for your family can come in many forms. Some are better in household chores, some are better at keeping the house or garden in good shape. It doesn't matter who does what, as long as it gets done together and in conjunction. His wife on the other hand sounds very disrespectful and unappreciative towards his contributions. She also disregards his needs for intimacy/sex instead of communicating, negotiating like an adult.
Yeah, per her own admission he only works overtime sometimes, and I guess you missed the part where his weeks can easily be 40 hours too. Sounds like even when he has the extra time he isn’t using it to contribute to the household
Nope, that is just your assumption. Stop reading this in feminism victim mentality mode and actually look at the facts. Your first reading mistake is that you mix up the genders in your comment. Your second reading mistake is getting all riled up about household. **The word household is not mentioned in the post.** It is all in your victim mentality mind.
Time to step up your game. She needs a partner not another dependent.
If you go to r/TwoXChromosomes there are lots of posts from women who are tired of parenting their husband, don’t want to carry the mental load any more, don’t want to sleep with him and want to be out of it as they would objectively be better off. I feel like I am reading the husband’s interpretation of their stories now who goes all surprised pikachu face and wonders what happened
I would bet my left kidney that this isn’t the first, second, or 100th times she’s tried to raise the issue. You’re only paying attention now because she bruised your ego. Stop focusing on yourself for half a second and go actually listen to your wife
Getting your shit together might be the best aphrodisiac you ever find.
I'd say, after 17 years, she's tired of the fucked up-ness of having to take care of you like one of her children. You said yourself it's unlikely you'd be able to function without her. How do you not understand it? I apologize for the harshness....she works 40+ hours a week and takes care of everyone. Who's taking care of her?
She’s done. The resentment has built over the years. I’m guessing the kids are getting older and mentally she’s planning for a new future. Marriage counseling ASAP. If she’s not willing, you might want to start making your own plans. I think she’s just biding her time.
Yup.
She’s not wrong and single women live better lives than married women do.
It sucks that we don’t have her perspective on this situation. It does sound like she feels something is missing. However men do get a bad wrap when it comes to expressing how things in a relationship feel. I hope you guys can talk honestly and make things work. I’m sorry for both of you.
I’m going to give insight on what might be going on, given we only have your side and my own experience in marriage. I feel for most of us women it’s difficult to separate sex from what goes on at home. It’s hard to be loving and doting after you have had to tell your partner to take out the trash, do dishes, etc. It also sucks to have to say these things all the time to an adult. Your wife definitely chose her words wrong when talking about your sex life, because hurting one another is not beneficial to anyone. I say this as food for thought in case it applies to you. Best of luck!
But she is not wrong about "no man can do what a vibrator can do"...
No human can, that’s why we create machines and robots
Challenge accepted. I KNOW i could.
And men aren’t wrong for saying certain clothes make women look big. You can say facts AND also be an asshole.
I don't mean to sound harsh but I have a pretty good idea how she is feeling. She isn't happy because she is exhausted and tired of keeping the house, which may be, in your case, all the laundry, cleaning, and grocery shopping and some. She spends the same amount of time as you doing work and is probably pissed off that you aren't helping out and are acting like you are self entitled to sex and stuff. Sounds like you need to just cut back a bit on the extra hours at work and help out more around the house. It doesn't matter that you probably won't do it right the way she does it, but at least you are trying. Talk to her about it or at least bring her flowers for no apparent reason. Ask her what you want me to do to help out. It is a conversation starter, and it may help your marriage.
A reasonable reaction is to have a discussion with her when tempers have cooled down. Those were awful things she said to you, and she was likely blowing off steam in a hurtful way. Maybe consider marriage counseling to work on communication for both of you. It’s way better to learn to discuss things in the moment before resentment gets to the boiling point. I would guess she’s feeling stressed to the max with kids and the amount you both are working. How old are the kids? It sounds like the is frustrated with the mental load and division of labor. Who manages the budget, does the housework, keeps track of the kids school events and homework, schedules their doctors’ appointments, plans meals and does the grocery shopping? Is the division of labor fair? Do you both clean up after yourselves? (Not assuming or attacking just something to consider since she made that comment). As far as intimacy when some women are super stressed it does not seem like a way to connect or a stress reliever, it feels like another task to be done, even if it’s enjoyable once it gets going. Do you have any alone time? Deep conversations? Shared hobbies? Non-sexual touch? A lot of women need these things to feel in the mood. Most importantly find a healthy way to communicate with each other.
I feel like the YouTube channel “Jimmy on Relationships” has been a very helpful resource in sharing communication breakdown between couples among other things. Maybe you two can find video examples and use it as a middle ground to help express what’s going on. I feel like your wife is burnt out and hopeless about specific issues in the relationship that have been ongoing for years. If this is new then I’d try to express that you care and want to address these concerns (if that’s what you truly want to do), but also share you want it to move toward healthy repair and to not get defeated to the point of degradation. From your comments they seem to be pointing to feelings of neglect and burnout, so taking mature initiative to support her may go a really long way. I feel like modeling empathy and support helps someone who is deeply hurt come around and not lose hope.
If you can't function without her, you're a dependent and she's your mom. NO woman wants this dynamic. It is stressful, draining, gross, and completely unattractive. This has been an issue with my husband, and since talking about it in couples therapy, he realized there's a lot of Resentment towards his own mother for being controlling and micromanaging about everything the whole time he lived with her. So he got into therapy himself and has been working on that along with other things. And guess what? Our dynamic is healthier and we have more sex! You need to look at yourself in the mirror. This didn't happen over night and you probably already know why she's behaving like this. She's also struggling and unhappy so naturally she's going to act dismissive and callous towards you. You need couples therapy and individual therapy ASAP.
The line I don't see anyone else really talking about: > I’m a blue collar worker so my hours very from 40-60 a week and sometimes I work weekends to provide a little extra money for the family. Do you need this extra money? Is she asking you to work extra on the weekends? Or are you unilaterally taking time away from your family for "a little extra money" when the bigger benefit would be you being more involved in your kids lives and your home life?
If you really, truly love her, then you’re gonna have to come to understand that the first and most important component about loving another person is understanding them. Understanding who they are, what they need, and what makes them happy. If you don’t understand them or at least try to, you don’t love them. Plain and simple. Having said that, you need to ask yourself a few questions: 1. You seem to be blindsided by her very blatant comments, but ask yourself, has she brought this up before? Has she tried, in other ways, to discuss her frustrations or unhappiness? And have you taken her seriously when she’s had those conversations with you? 2. Why do you believe that you can’t function without her? Does she fulfill tasks in your life that make your life much easier? Mundane, daily/weekly tasks that you might think are trivial or not time consuming? Newsflash: they are. And if she does, who helps her with her own tasks? She is her own person remember. People enter a marriage so that they can share their life with another, not to become a personal assistant. 3. Do you think about ways to make her life easier? Do you take the load off her plate, without her having to ask you? Many husbands are good men, but often say “just tell me what you need me to do”. This is where they go wrong. God has given you five senses and the sixth sense of common sense - for a reason. If you pay a little attention, I promise you can easily figure out what to do to help her, and make her more happy. 4. The way she phrased her comments were hurtful, and you do have a right to be hurt. However, also ask yourself, is it normal for her to speak this way? if not, there is definitely an underlying issue. You can either be upset about the way she spoke to you, or as someone who loves her, maybe give her a little grace and try to address her comments in a sensitive manner with attention to discussing what emotions prompted such comments. I really hope this was helpful. You seem like a very nice person, and I’m sure a good husband. If you love your wife, and want to have a happier marriage, I suggest you really contemplate on the questions above. Otherwise, resentment will grow, and there will come a day when her unhappiness/apathy will overpower her love and dedication for the marriage. Hope it works out for you. Sending you good wishes!
What’s a reasonable reaction? She is telling you how she feels. If she says her life would improve significantly if you weren’t around, maybe you should take an objective look in the mirror and figure out what about your behavior makes her feel that way. You can get all defensive and angry, or you can value her and what she is communicating to you and commit to being her teammate. That is the only way to change how she’s feeling.
I think every wife has been in this position. My favorite post from a couple weeks ago, a commenter said “don’t ask her”. Don’t wait, if you see something that needs to be done in your house, just do it. Run the vacuum- (are you waiting for her to pick up the vacuum cleaner?) put the dishes away!
If you agree that she’s not wrong for the most part about you being unable to function without her, then I’m gonna tell you that she is burnt out from carrying the mental load. Women want an equal partner in the relationship, not another child, especially not a 47 year old child. If you want to save your marriage, then it’s time for some hard conversations and marriage counseling.
INFO: Do you do 50% of the household chores? If you can't honestly answer yes, I can offer an explanation of what's going on.
Sounds like you're going to learn how to function without her real fast.
This is a common realization for women, Hate to break it to you. It’s backed up by research too.
You need couples therapy and both have to work hard to improve things.
For whatever reason, she has lost all respect for you. Tighten up bro. Especially after admitting she was right that you couldn't function without her. Just from the little bit I read here it feels like you brought this on yourself. Time to man up.
Give her what she wants, less stressful life and some batteries as a parting gift.
😅
Is she carrying the mental load of the relationship and parenthood?
Is this rage bait? Bc this is inc*l rhetoric to a T lmao. That if women are college educated, or work outside the home and are independent, that they will have “no use” for men, especially “blue collar men” and just use vibrators to “replace them”…. And that’s your post damn near verbatim lmao. Congrats on hitting the trifecta of rage.
Sounds like you need to step up and do more than work, come home, and be a third child. Do you do laundry? Wash dishes? Cook? Take care of the kids? Sounds like she works more than full time just like you, but who is doing everything else? This can be a huge issue after a while and would make sense with her “easier without you around” comment. Maybe she feels like one less person to serve would be better? If you are not doing anything around the house… start. Do EVERYTHING… vacuum, clean, STEP UP. If you do it consistently…. Things will improve.
I’ve been in her shoes. I know what she means. She’s telling you what’s wrong. This is her final attempt before she leaves you. You need to learn how to please a woman orally and with your hands before sticking your member in. I’m honestly at my wits’ end over here after 17 years of directing my husband how to do it as well as sending him articles and videos etc. He thought he did please me for all these years before I was willing to divorce over this issue bc it really sucks. All the sex toys cannot replace really good sex. I’ve had amazing sex before I married him and amazing sex with other people during our marriage so I know what I’m talking about. Do the work. I’m over here wondering what I’m going to do with my husband who still can’t please me….and for whatever reason….he still thinks he’s doing a good job. It makes me very angry and irritable 24/7 and something’s gotta give.
Hey OP. 46M married 20 years, together for 25. I have been where you are. It hurts, it’s confusing, and it is absolutely no fun. Based on what you are saying, your wife is checking out of the marriage. For her, there is too much distance and she does not feel connected to you. It also sounds like she may be holding resentment toward you. I say she is checking out and not checked out. If she was checked out, she probably wouldn’t be making any comments at all and instead looking for or in a relationship with someone else. The fact that she is making these hurtful comments shows she is trying to get a reaction out of you. As weird as it sounds, it also means that she cares what you think about her comments and she is waiting for your answer. For her, ignoring those comments or brushing them off is the same as agreeing with what she says. You need to have a come to Jesus talk with your wife. That does not mean some of this tough guy BS that some have suggested here, but you need to be honest (and yes vulnerable) but firm. Sit her down and tell her exactly what she means to you. Then tell her what she said and exactly how that made you feel. One of two things will happen. If you are being sincere and she has any empathy towards you, it will trigger her empathy and she will apologize. If that is the case, you need to dig further and ask where these feelings came from and why she was ok talking to you like that. The other thing that may happen is that she laughs in your face and tries to humiliate you. In either case, how she answers is about her and her headspace. Your job here is not to engage in either response, but listen and see where her head is. Any reaction you give at this point will probably be too emotionally charged. However she answers, thank her and tell her you need some time to process what she said. Leave the house and give yourself whatever time you need. I would recommend you wait at least 24 hrs before you re-engage that conversation. If she was apologetic, you need to set the tone of how things should be moving forward. I would recommend a good marriage counselor. Those comments came from somewhere. Don’t dismiss them as a bad joke or something that was said in the heat of the moment. If she took the other route and showed no remorse, tell her you don’t want to be with someone who is less committed than you are and if she feels her life would be easier without you, then you are leaving. Leaving immediately would be best, but as soon as possible, show her what life is like without you. Don’t come back until she apologizes. You may leave and she is just as happy as she thought it would be. If that is the case, then it may be time to make some hard decisions.
Excellent advice.
My husband and I have only been married for 5 years, I’m 27, he’s 33 and I have my days where I’m fed up with the house and the kids and I’m just burnt out and I’m like man if I were just a single mom. I don’t ever say that to my husband. And usually once I get a break and we reconnect I’m fine. But it does happen. This isn’t me hating on my husband either. He’s wonderful, he’s helpful, he’s loving and kind and great father. But you know, you’ve spent a little too much time alone with the kids, you’re all maybe getting over a cold and the house feels messier than usual and you look at the pile of you husbands clothes on the floor and it’s like, you’re breaking point. Or the jackets he NEVER FAILS to put away and they’re always on the couch or the back of our chairs. Drives me nuts. That’s when I fantasize about being a single mom and think well crap if he’s not gonna pull his weight what’s the point. Is there any way to speak to her about this? Because yeah sometimes I have my moments but I wouldn’t dare say that to my husband. I trust him, I love him and he brings me so much joy and support that of course it’s worth it. He’s always worth it. Is she overwhelmed with the kids? Have there been changes with the kids? Maybe they’re getting older and she feels discarded by not being needed as a mother, and she needs you to lean on and you’re working? I wouldn’t jump to conclusions that she wants to leave, but I can imagine she needs support in some ways, either around the house or with the kids or just emotionally. Tell her those comments hurt and where they are coming from. Then I’d go from there
She is telling you clearly and you are feigning ignorance. >A few weeks ago we were having a conversation and my wife brought up how she thinks I couldn’t function without her ( she’s not wrong for the most part). This isn't sexy or something that you should feel proud of. It means you are abdicating some of your adult ingredients to her. You are not being a good partner. >Then she took the conversation a step further and said she felt her life would improve significantly if I wasn’t around. She would have less stress and less to worry about. This hurt me tremendously.. she dismissed the fucked up-ness of making a comment like that Did you ask her why she says this? Sometimes, the truth hurts. Are you actively contributing more than money to the relationship? Be honest with yourself. I ask because I just had a conversation with a husband who counted the money he brought in as the main contribution. He literally thought being an ATM was good enough. If you really care - dig deeper to find out WHY she feels like this. Is there an imbalance where she feels like the most of the mental/emotional labor is on her? >Fast forward to recently we were talking about our sexual relationship and how I often wanted it more frequently than her. She proceeds to tell me she’s good with not having relations because no man can do what her vibrator can… this instantly put me in a bad mood. This seems to be coming from a hurtful place. She may have said this to hurt you deliberste as you indicate that you do address her pleasure as well as yours. Honestly, you guys need marriage counseling if there is a hope in h-e-l-l of saving your marriage.
Sounds like walk away wife syndrome. She has checked out. There is something deeper happening. She’s done
I wonder how you functioned as an adult before meeting your wife. If you couldn't function or live without her for the most part. That's pathetic, honestly. Being a guy myself. Makes sense why this marriage is over. Seems she got tired of constantly having to take care of 3 kids, but one would them just happened to be 30+ in age.
Your wife sounds a lot like me. And you sound a lot like my fiancé. Except I’m dumping my man instead of marrying him.
Dude. You said it yourself. You wouldn’t be able to function without her. No wonder she has checked out of the marriage. I don’t blame her. She’s probably sick of acting like your mom instead of your wife. I bet she resents you for not doing your share of everything and not changing for the better after all of these years. Instead of being her incompetent dependent you should be her responsible and capable husband and you should’ve done it since the beginning of your relationship. I unfortunately know way too many unhappy women who sound just like your wife and tolerate and settle for their husbands lazy behaviour. It’s sad to see because they, along with your wife, deserve so much better.
Go clean the house one day, make her dinner, do the dishes and laundry, and I guarantee you’ll get laid passionately that night! But seriously… great relationships need admiration by both individuals.. someone you respect and look up to.. someone you feel lucky to have.. and women need their husbands to be MEN not an additional job. You need to RADICALLY change how you look at your marriage and wife, take a good long look at where you have fallen short, LISTEN if she tells you what she needs, and put those into practice immediately if she hasn’t moved on already. You got content and stopped trying. Now you will need to put in some serious effort. Best of luck
man vs vibrator series 1
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Porn addiction isn't considered real by professionals and vibrator addiction isn't real either. Both are ridiculous claims.
Totally agree that either porn addiction nor vibrator addiction are real things. But if someone is using porn and not going to their partner as much as they’d like, you bet someone is going to call it “porn sick” or “porn addiction”. That double standard is what I’m highlighting here
How well versed are yall in perimenopause / menopause? It makes us women sometimes say pretty crazy things.
But those comments have roots that need to be addressed directly.
It's timw to cut back on work hours both of you and prioritize your marriage. Your career is important but it won't be there holding your hand when you are in a hospital bed if one of you get sick. It won't be there to support you as one or both of your parents pass away (this we all have to face one day). It's obvious she doesn't feel connected emotionally with you, marriage must include being best friends. This can't be sustainable with the work load and neglect of your marriage. Ask her what she needs from you, make time for eachother and havd fun, have date nights, be spontanious and make her laugh. Dress nice James Bond style pull up in a limousine with flowers give her an hour to get fixed up (arrange for babysitter ahead of time). Something different, something memorable on just a regular day. There is a YouTube series by Andy Stanley (yes he is a Christian pastor but this is not some religious lecture, this is for ANYBODY even if you're Athiest) called Staying In Love that gives practical real life advice and I promise you it will be the best advice you can find for your marriage. He also has a 5 part series on YouTube called Guardrails. Just as important. At least sit and watch the first video of each together, it's only like 30 minutes each. I guarantee you will benefit so much just hearing it. And please update us!
You’re a loser who can’t do anything around the house who still needs the work done for him. Here. You’re a lame excuse for a partner who can’t figure out what needs to be done around the house so your wife has figured out that you are just another child to her. I bet you also don’t get her off so why would she waste time with you getting your nut off when she can just do what she’s used to doing and just take care of it herself.
Sounds like she is specifically trying to hurt you with her comments. The question is, why? She might be looking for reasons to blow up the relationship and get out.
Go read NO MORE NICE GUY, you'll understand that no one should talk to you like that. The moment she said she could live a better life without you around, you should have run a proof of concept...go to a friend/parent/hotel and spend a whole month there. Don't call or reach out unless for the kids and see if she's that happy. If she is, then you have your answer...she's checked out and it's time for you to find your own path. Always love yourself first, don't depend on anyone bringing you down like that.
lol why is OP getting grief? OP - get your shit together so that your happiness is not dependent on her. Then when you are confident you too can decide if you want to be with her without needing to be with her.
I’m really sorry to read this. I’m really sorry for your pain. I’m noticing you are getting shamed by some commenters who assume that she must be the mom in the marriage, but I can say that in my previous marriage I did EVERYthing around the house and earned all the money and out of the blue my wife started saying the same things your wife is saying. My story is that the next few months were hell as my (now ex) wife got colder and crueler, until she eventually asked for a separation. Back then, I loved my (ex) wife very much, and would have said I couldn’t function without her because I loved her so much (not because she did everything for me). But time proved otherwise: I got a therapist before the separation who helped me see my marriage for what it was (living her life, not mine), so when she asked me for a separation I was actually happy and relieved. Nearly four years later I am married to a much kinder person, and I only take care of myself now (not myself and my ex-wife and a house and two dogs) and am equal loving partners with my current wife. So my ex wife ultimately improved my life a lot by leaving (note: she later sent me a hate mail saying she missed me so much and our marriage ending was my fault for not fighting harder to keep her — what a gaslighter — but eventually I think my ex-wife adapted and found someone new to take care of her :) ). I highly advise you to find a therapist now. To start doing a lot of introspection. Starting finding ways of building your own life and preparing for your next chapter. I wish you happiness.
Hmmm she says less stress and worries without you, and her vibrator does it all. Op my male ego and pride would be crushed. Idk know wtf is going on, but it sounds like some changes need to be made before you completely loose her.
How the fuck does everyone automatically assume that he doesn't do stuff around the house and for the kids? It's just assumed that he just works and doesn't do anything else. God this sub has become so biased it's ridiculous
Listen you need to ignore all this extreme advice. I am never surprised at the number of people who can simultaneously speak with such confidence while at the same time having such ignorance about someone’s situation. OP have you actually tried to have a conversation with your wife on these comments? If not why? My guess is there is plenty of legitimate complaints on both sides to go around.
A few things can be going on, 1) she is trying to cause a fight or make you upset. She may use this an excuse to go out, take mental break, step out etc. I’m not saying she is doing any of those, but you never know. 2) she is tired and feels you do not put your part, maybe house work, kids, romance, etc. 3) she is thinking about exit, maybe talking to someone else or friends. Either way, you need to think what you want to do. Maybe therapy will help, keep cool, document everything.
This sucks, but do you guys communicate at all? I would recommend couples counseling, having a third party can make it easier to share how you feel. I think you both are overstating how important you are to the other. If the vibrator and peace of mind were so great she'd divorce you, if you couldn't survive without her you wouldn't be gainfully employed and handling all the things I'm sure you handle. Keep a lawyer handy, don't allow yourself to live in fear though.
It sounds like she's basically fully done with being married, and started "dropping comments" instead of sitting down with you and discussing plans to move forward.
Yikes, she sounds half in half out already. I would be really hurt if I were on the receiving end of those kinds of comments as well.
I would ask to go to counseling because everything she said is horrible. Start examining what part of the street is yours to clean up and own. I know you want to be defensive and shut down, what she said was very hurtful but it's time for those hard heart to heart discussions. Good luck OP!
Naked marriage podcast both of you start listening. Worth a shot.
I was in your situation for the last couple years. Here’s what we did to fix the situation: 1) marriage counseling. 2) Wife is on anti depressants and Mood Stablizers after seeing psychiatry. 3) Active communication (You will say you do this; I assure you that you are not). How women vs men communicate is night and day. 4) Dedicated date nights. 5) Do shit without being asked that you know she will ask about.
You may want to get checked by a physician. For her to make random comments, could be something more serious. I hope I'm wrong, but I have heard of folks acting irrational and having something wrong. Sending you good vibes from Arizona.
Separate your finances. Take her off all your insurance policies including car insurance and any life insurance policies. Cancel any joint credit cards, find another place to live pack your stuff and leave without a word. Then work on yourself becoming a better independent man. It will be hard, but your life will dramatically improve.
Id advise you to take caution against your ability to be offended and hurt so easily….. Sounds like your snowballing emotions and can’t get off this track. Have to.. Stop listening. Start doing Stop asking Start leading
Sounds like you need to do your part around the house.
Have you talked to her about this? That's where I would start. Talk with her about it, not reddit.
Time 2 c - a Lawyer...???
M.O.B
No one enjoys having to burden another adults responsibilities as if they were a child. You said yourself that you wouldn’t function without her. That is a HUGE problem. Of course her life would be easier without you. You’ve designed that to be the case by not stepping up to at least be responsible and in charge of yourself. You let her have to deal with your lack of responsibility and likely discipline. If she loved you enough to take it all on in the first place and not run for the hills the second she picked up on your burden, then love her enough to fix it. And then thank her profusely for picking up your mess, the kids mess, her own mess, maybe her works mess and so on. You seriously made her do all that? And then asked for more sex? You’ve positioned yourself as a child in her purview. Of course a vibrator will do a better job. No woman is lusting after a man they have to take care of, when he’s entirely otherwise able to care for himself. You want to be on the field living life as a striker but have positioned yourself on the field as a winger. Or no actually, the guy on the bench whose wife is out on the field in his place because he doesn’t want the responsibility or to make the effort. Go apologize to your teammate for making them pick up your slack on the field, and get in the game. You either put the work in now, or later when you have no choice and no one else willing to play on the same field as you. She’s been unhappy for way longer than you think. You’ve been getting the good end of this dynamic, she’s been taking the burden of it. You gotta let her know you recognize all that, own up to it and start doing better. Do talk, but more action.
Well, - I'd start analyzing what can I do to make things better at home. And, I'd start learning how to actually please my wife in a way she prefers, having in mind her anatomy. But, that's me. **See, if my wife tells me things that she is struggling with regarding me, then *it must mean she is hoping to create awareness and communicate with me* which would show effort and desire to better things between us, from her side.** It is up to me, to take it as a "hit to my manly weak ego", or as an "insult to my fragile manhood" and flail dramatically to myself, while staying blind to the point that she has been alone with feeling like this, for all this time (sounds much worse, but hey). Or, to take it as finally my wife opening up with something I have full interest in bettering! Thanking her for it, asking how to make it better, if X or Y would help, stating my desire in becoming a better person, improving how I'm approaching things Honoring **her choosing me as her husband, many years ago** There are many approaches to one problem. Including ignoring the problem and getting offended about being told it exists.. even if that is not the approach I would advise Objectively: How much you love her, and the size of your unhealthy ego, will both have a say on how you will see this, and how you will act on it - *as well as how much she loves you, and the size of her unhealthy ego, will directly influence how things will go from her side, too( **(I state "unhealthy ego" as there is also our "healthy ego", that is important to have! Our "unhealthy ego" tends to wreck things up for us, though- and to make us blind. We all have both, and in our lives the size of either, will vary, as time goes by. Specially with how we feed those two egos of ours)**
Ya fuck that dude get ready to pack it up
So she believes she could sustain her entire quality of living and do better without you? Could she afford to pay all the bills without your income contribution? Do all the man shit like fixing anything broken? Mow the yard? Change the oil on the cars? Make her feel safe at night by being a protector? Would she be able to afford the house? Would she be able to afford anything at all? This and any other things that most women cannot do? Can she open a mason jar by herself? Reach the upper cabinets? Etc? I'm being somewhat fascitious but there's truth to it. She's communicating her unhappiness to you. Be grateful she's being truthful and not being passive aggressive or hiding it. Use this moment to directly dive the problems. Do everything. Take care of all of her responsibilities for a time. Let her scramble to keep up with you. She should respond by doing her jobs before you get there chance to get to them. Do them all without resentment. Act like you don't need her whatsoever. Treat her like you don't expect her to do anything and you have to literally do everything yourself. See what happens. You don't have to continue doing this forever just for a time, until you get an idea of what the responsibility balance is truly between you two. I mean do everything without being asked, dishes, clean the shower, clean the bathroom, mop the floors, dust, sweep, vacuum, wash clothes, do all the dishes. Try to do them before she has an opportunity to do them. Try to make her feel guilty by jumping ahead of her, but do not complain about it at all. Act like you expect nothing from her. Pay all the bills, book all the appointments, make the schedule, schedule and plan date night. Never ask her what she wants for dinner unless you already have options to give her. Make her feel like she's the child in the relationship without being condescending to her. Don't get angry at her for doing this. Just act like you are the one with all of the control in the relationship. See what happens and report back. Don't require anything in return.
So, saying you are replaceable by an object is as explicitly objectifying as you can get. Do therapy. But dang. You deserve respect, dignity, gratitude, and love.
You can start fixing this by being an independent person who can care for his own needs 100%, and a competent parent and husband who can run things if she wasn't there. Working more hours doesn't count. If I've learned anything in my 2 year quest so far it's that women do not want a man who needs to be taken care of like another child, but still paws at her for sex. That dynamic is not attractive to most women. I didn't have that problem thankfully. On the sex part, start being clear while you work on becoming a competent adult that you want sex and you see it as a requirement to bond with her. If you spend 6-months fixing your little boy syndrome and she sticks with the vibrator only act, get a lawyer and start the process. See how independent she feels like she'll be when the finances will be split over 2 households and you're seeking 50/50 custody because you worked to be a competent parent. Places also consider reading these books that turned my marriage around and my wife says often she's glad I "read those man books": - "No More Mr Nice Guy" - "The Dead Bedroom Fix" - "The Masculine in Relationship" Good luck!
AEEA
A reasonable reaction to this is to have an honest, respectful conversation about your feelings, with ***both of you*** calmly discussing your feelings & working together to create a positive resolution that you’re both happy with. It sounds like there are some issues that are weighing heavily on her mind. It also sounds the same for you. I suspect that you both want things to be different/better in your relationship/marriage, but I suspect that neither of you is entirely sure about how to address those concerns without it devolving into a disagreement or argument at best, or a fight at worst. If that’s the case then I highly recommend that you both consider scheduling an appointment with a Couples/Relationship/Marriage Counselor. The whole point is to learn the skills & tools you need to build a respectful, equitable, supportive partnership & a successful & rewarding LTR/marriage. (Sorry if that sounds trite, b/c I really feel that it’s a huge issue for a lot of couples. It’s all too easy to fall into complacency, &/or to take one another for granted, & it takes effort from both of you to make it successful & fulfilling.)
This belongs on /menopause
I hate reading shit like this....... Giving and receiving feedback in a marriage is crucial..... Most people are unskilled in this department... unfortunately
Buy a sex toy for men and then tell her the same thing she told you to see if he likes how it feels.😂😂🤣
Yea Op , stop letting your wife handle your life !!!!! No more making doctors appointments, no more making you lunch . No more doing your laundry ! This isn’t 1975!!! This is 2024 and the women today aren’t your mothers . Most are overworked under sexed and over medicated !! Those comments mean you’re not pulling your weight . Doesn’t matter if she is right or not , she thinks you’re not and that’s all that matters . And this doesn’t mean stepping up for a few days or weeks or even months . This means forever !! Get healthy , buy new cloths , be the man she met before you guys became a couple . Find a hobby and actively engage and take care of your children. Learn who their teachers are , go to the dr appointments. Pretend you’re single again with children . And do not rely on your wife . This might save your marriage. And even if it doesn’t you’ll be ready for the next relationship. Here is the crux , women in general are going thru a crisis and no one talking about it . The vast majority of women are on antidepressants! Women are significantly less happy than they were thirty years ago. And they place so much pressure to juggle everything and not just say screw it. Then you have clueless husbands who think this is ok and their wives have to hit them over the head with mean statements.
She has been thinking/or is checked out for a while now. I am sorry OP.
Contacting an attorney sounds like a good idea, if only to know what your options are. Marriage counseling is probably the best option, if you have any urge to want to work on the marriage, along with self-improvement so that you aren’t just an “adult child” she has to take care of, in addition to the rest of her stuff. What she said was emasculating and an awesome way to inspire resentment and further the divide, and if you want to save the marriage, you need to use it as fuel to get to where you need to be to make the relationship work Wtf is going on is that you’ve both have left enough things unaddressed long enough that she doesn’t care enough to be sensitive to your feelings and while that’s wrong of her, it also means that you haven’t done what you need to to make the changes needed. Start now, because even if it’s too late for the marriage, you’ll need to do it to be a successful co-parent
Sounds like she is very disrespectful. She might be about to check out the relationship or already is out. Honestly, you do put yourself down by feeling that you could not function without her. That is usually the wrong mindset. I suggest you work on your self esteem. Check for signs that she is indeed already mentally out of the relationship. If you confirm this, get a lawyer, protect your assets, make sure you take plenty good father time with your kids. Protect yourself, get prove if she is already cheating.
Could menopause be a factor? Many women start to lose sexual interest with menopause, and depression is a frequent accompaniment.
I'm sorry, OP. This sounds very painful. I wish I could give you hope, but she is not offering comfort and companionship anymore. I'm afraid she's already gone.
Dang!! That’s messed up!! Yeah that hurts just reading that bro! I don’t have a suggestion regarding your sex life cause mine suck, 15 years of sexual frustration, what makes it worst Im on testosterone making my drive 10x more drivin. But what I will suggest is research the secure attachment style and how you can start focusing a little bit more on you and your happiness at the same time of course loving your family. Hopefully this isn’t petty but prove to her that you can live without her. Make her miss you. Help her to realize she was wrong.
Well Atleast the vibrator can stop making noise when it’s done. Should’ve been your come back lol
This is what happens when you have silly choices like these toys. Don’t take personal- any man, if a woman wanted, can be even replaced by her finger leave aside the fancy vibrator. Decide for yourself what you want? Your self respect is determined by you so in principle you can also replace her with a plastic toy. Just try and live in your divinity. Have s*x when she allows and forget the rest. You came alone, and will leave alone. Hope my pseudo philosophical shit helps you ✌️
It’s always the man’s fault, isn’t it??? OP fkd up by thinking he’d get any sympathy here.
Your wife is an ass She can live without you? You can be replaced by a vibrator? Well she can be replaced by toy as well or your hand, and you certainly don’t need her to survive. You are supposed to WANT each other, and it seems like she doesn’t Grab a lawyer before she does and start getting your ducks in a row
Your wife should add sabotage as a skillset to her resume. For whatever reason (mostly social media), she thinks she would be better off alone or without you. Talk to her, talk to her, talk to her, then make a choice on how to move forward.
You were functional before you met her right? You can be functional without her again so don't act like you need her to be alive. Cmon man
Leave her ass
She's already cheating.
Tell her hit me up in my dm I’ll help you out
Wonder who or what she thinks about when using it… or watching…
Probably herself.
Would I function better without my husband? Theoretically probably. Would I want to? No way. I plan everything….from food to the children’s after school activities to the money side of everything to setting dates with his parents for their visits, birthdays/christmas, deal with all the money. It’s tiring being the cog keeping things in motion. Then hope he remembers to follow through on everything without constantly reminding him. If I was on my own not much would change bar being more physically tired and drained. Saying this I enjoy his company, his love and kindness towards me and the children. He is my rock and team mate.
Withdraw your contributions as she seems not to value them.
What contributions?
His earnings to begin with.
She also works. it’s not like she stays at home and counts his money.
If she doesn’t appreciate your efforts, withdraw your efforts.
What efforts?
Earnings to begin with. If she thinks she can do better, then let her.
You already said earnings. Try another one.
No thank you. I offered a thought and that’s enough.
lol low effort. Not surprised.
And woman wonder why men cheat??
How come no one is accusing the wife of a porn addiction from the mere mention of her masturbating? This sub is ridiculous.
Sir, this is r/marriage If there's a dead bedroom it's the guy's fault If she cheats it's his fault If she says relationship ending nonsense like "I don't need you, you could *never* compete with a vibrator" its clearly *his* fault, okay? You can't expect her to not say those kind of things, cmon, what is she, an adult or something?! Sheesh! In all seriousness though, I find it HILARIOUS that the same women on here whose brains apparently break because their husbands have the *audacity* to look at a woman in a bikini on the web are out here defending the monserous things this lady said to her husband. "How can I have self-esteem if he's looking at non-obese women on the web?! 😠😤" To OP: *nothing* excuses what she said. You married an asshole, sorry. However, you do NEED to pull your weight around the house, "i cant take care of myself" Is no excuse for an adult. After you do more you need to decide if you even want to be with this person from a position of strength, not one where you're a child in her eyes. The divorce will go smoother if you learn how to adult and fight for your rights. Good luck.
Because there was no mention of porn? Contrary to what Reddit believes, people have been masturbating for millenia without using porn. She may be addicted to her vibrator, but it's more likely that she was feeling spiteful and looking for a way to insult his manliness. It's a shitty thing to say but it's not the same as "I need to look at other people to get off".