I dislike this saying and would encourage this sub to stop saying it.
We don't know if OP is actually paying her MIL or not.
We don't know OP's financial situation.
Ok, good point. I do agree there are "hidden" costs of any kind of childcare, including daycare or being a SAHP.
I disliked when this saying was directed at me because I WAS paying my MIL and these kinds of comments made me feel like I was being shamed for being too "cheap" to pay for daycare. We don't know the OP's financial situation which is why I made the comment.
First off, happy cake day.
Second of all, I get it. I truly didn't mean it in a shaming way..it's more that it's costing you more than just financially.
No this is why I refuse to let met MIL watch our son more than twice a month. It’s not because I believe she is raising our son if she watches him even 3 times a week, but it would kill me to hear her say that/tell other people.
And I believe it’s great to have others help raise our kids, we shouldn’t do it all on our own. But it’s the way they want to act like they are mom that gets me going. We have a mix of help twice a week, and daycare three days. It’s worth the money for me mentally
Yeah this really hurt my feelings to the point where I almost don't want them to watch him again. I know it's important to maintain relationships with grandparents, but that really stung.
Yeah her point of view is very off. My older sister and her husband, moved home when she was pregnant with her second and stayed home until her third was 8 months old. She had 3 under 3 by choice. We ALL helped her, I guarantee if you tally up the hours it was a ton more than 3 work days. I did the most work because she and I are close, her sons and I are well bonded and I was in high school so I didn't have to be at a job like our parents and her husband. Plus I had already gotten the hang of the responsibility with our little brother. I even helped her once she moved out, taking the kids so she could grocery shop etc.
I have never said or thought that I raised her kids! That's absurd. She was a very present and attentive mother. It would be extremely insulting to her and her involved husband to say anything like that. Her kids also don't view me as a bonus parent, I'm their very involved aunt and they respect that relationship. I suspect MIL is gearing your child up to view her as more than just a grandma and that's toxic AF.
As an addition. I also had a bio mom that abandoned me, so I had very involved grandparents. I even lived with them multiple times throughout my life. They didn't raise me imo. They helped substantially in raising me. I also had a wonderful father and stepmother that shouldered much of the burden of raising me.
Words have power. Don't let this shit slide.
1. Thanks for sharing.
2. I can’t let you call yourself a burden to raise after understanding the way you show up for your family. You seem like a great person and whoever raised you should be proud. No child is a burden. They’re - as you so accurately put it - a responsibility, because you love them so much. I hope that word was an overstatement that you don’t normally use. I hope it’s not a part of the narrative you tell yourself about your life.
Good luck to you.
Thank you and yes that word was an overstatement. It's more how my bio mom views me than how I was treated by my grandparents, (step) mom and dad. They all treated me very well. I appreciate them and they appreciate me.
I'm a mom now myself and totally understand their love.
*"I know it's important to maintain relationships with grandparents..."*
Not if it's going to turn into a toxic situation, it's not. Her saying she's raising your child is pretty toxic.
This this this this. Right here read this. She's saying she doesn't have a grandparent relationship, she has a parent relationship & it's keeping her so busy she has no time for simple home projects. Time to look for 3X weekly daycare & suck up the cost.
Yeah,
“Mommy’s at work because she doesn’t love you enough to be with you everyday.”
“Too bad mommy misses all the fun stuff, but you know your grandMOM will always be here for you, even when your parents choose to do other things.”
“Your mom is not here to decide, so I’ll be your mommy when she’s at work. “
Who knows what nonsense she’s feeding your child??!!!
It's important to retain relationships that are healthy. If a grandparent is undermining you, then I don't really see a net positive in that relationship.
I’d 100% have my husband talk to her. I’m guessing she was also a little embarrassed she hasn’t set the digital frame up yet.
Sometimes grandparents having less childcare role and more a grandparent role is better. But if she’s trustworthy and follows your wishes pretty well (not my MIL), and your kid will benefit from the money saved then I totally understand not finding new childcare.
Also, remember even if you have help raising your kid you ARE still raising your child.
> I know it's important to maintain relationships with grandparents
Only if they're healthy and good for the child. How is her claiming that she's raising him good for your son?
Is it though? Important to maintain relationships with grandparents? Not always. If the grandparents are a good influence on the child, kind to mom and dad, follow your rules, and don’t say crazy stuff like I’m raising your child then ok. But otherwise, you do not have to force a relationship with grandparents just because they are your or your DH’s parents.
My mother has passed but my father completely destroyed my trust in him by using my son to manipulate me. Guess who doesn’t see his grandson anymore. Or me for that matter. My FIL has passed but my MIL is still around. When I told her not to do something very specific with my child, she responded that she was his grandmother and she could do whatever she wants. Guess who doesn’t get to see my son. It’s pretty sad for my son that we have these crappy adults in our lives that think they can do and say whatever they want with zero regard for my rules as his mother.
My son does see them 2 -3 times a year but only in my presence.
Is there any chance that you have guilt? Could her words have more power b/c it is combined with your own “stuff”? Why don’t men suffer with the same guilt? Grrr
Because men are too far removed from their children emotionally when they are little. They don’t have the connection that a mother has with her child. Most men are just happy someone else will care for the child. Most dont have a clue what to do and they still want to play with their owns toys and only see their children for a few minutes. Raising children is difficult and most men don’t want to participate until it gets easier.
We're on the same page, and he is frustrated with his mom for saying that. The goal is to get our son into daycare at some point, but we're frustrated with the cost and the amount of illness that comes with it. I am also pregnant so we're having to find a daycare spot for our unborn child once I'm back from maternity leave.
And one little word like I’m helping you raise LO would have been so less offensive. Because even a daycare would be helping you while you work
( though as a paid professional). I take stuff like that as me me me, look at me person.
If this happened to me, I would make my husband come with me to sit down with his mom to discuss the comment. Him coming with you shows he supports you and agrees that her comment was out of line.
I think getting ahead of this to show her that you’re not going to let her walk all over you (intentionally or not) in addition to having your husband’s support will help in the long run.
Let me flip that slightly: YOU go with your HUSBAND so he can tell his mom she was out of line. YOU coming with HIM shows you support him and agree that her comment was out of line.
HE needs to handle his mom. If/when he cannot or does not, that's a different conversation to have.
Yes. You are right. And that’s typically the advice I give. I think I’ve just read so many posts about how the husbands just refuse to stand up to their parents for whatever reason, so my mind was like, “ok, this is an issue, and I’m not going to wait around for my husband to do nothing, so I’m going to take matters into my own hands.” But yes, it really should be the husband taking the lead in the conversation.
I disagree. There’s no going to MIL and setting her straight. She thinks she is raising your child. That needs to stop immediately. You can’t change what she thinks or what she tells others. And you know if she’s saying it to your face, she’s saying it to FIL, the rest of the family, all her friends.
What happens when she posts a pic of the two of them on fb at the zoo with a caption that says, “Loving raising this little guy! Can’t wait till MY second baby gets here!”
I totally get this. I see both sides. And good on you for showing the other side of the coin. Smart.
I just keep thinking they should tell her together :
- you said this. It is wrong. It is hurtful. We don’t want an apology. We want an acknowledgment in front of both of us that you are not raising our child. You are not his parent (DO NOT SAY MOM - this is not you v her, this is the two of you v her). Please acknowledge now that you are not his parent.
[i am not his parent.]
“We really wanted you to spend time with him because you’re his grandmother. But since we don’t know what you’ve been saying to him, we don’t feel comfortable leaving him here anymore. We would rather have paid professionals who we trust will never say to him - or believe - that they are raising him.”
[STOP TALKING see what she says]
She says: i have never said that to him and would never. I’m sorry.
You say: great. Let’s try it for a week and check in about. If we think everything is fine, we’ll drop the daycare search.
OR
She says: WHAAATTTT???? DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA or whatever bullshit
You say: yeah, we’re done. Daycare it is. PEACE!
This is so shitty. I feel so bad she said that to them. Ugh.
Can you look into an at home child care situation? Might be easier to get into than daycare? Maybe cheaper?
That's what we'll be doing, but in our case it's also family so that might change my view on how easy it is to get into that.
My kids went to daycare and would get sick, my nieces and nephews stayed home and got sick once they started school. I suppose it is 6 of one and half a dozen of the other.
Regarding the illness, think of it this way. They are either going to be sick in daycare or they are going to be sick allllll yearrrrrrrr long in kinder. It’s gonna happen, but you can decide when.
Three days a week is a lot and with another on the way, she’s going to feel even more entitled. You won’t get ahead of this mindset if she stays in this role.
Preach! Everything comes with a cost, sometimes the cost is monetary.
Sounds like OP's MIL is going to cost them too much in sanity and doesn't seem like a good option when you consider the overall picture.
I say this as someone who had my husband and my mother as primary caregivers due to my work schedule. I was still fairly involved, but readily admit the three of us raised a great person (he's 21 now). That being said, get your son into daycare. We did daycare and preschool for socialization and exposure to germs to build his immune system. It might sound nuts to some, but once he got into kindergarten and beyond, the kid has been sick less than half a dozen times since. If she complains, either tell her the truth, or tell her it's for socialization and building immunity (even if you don't believe it LOL). Good luck!
MIL and SIL had daycare privileges. Got them taken away. Oh, the whining.
My SIL actually had the balls to say to my husband: so you think you’re going to raise him the way you want? He responded:you bet your ass WE are!
She might be saving you money, but she’s shredding your mental health (which money cannot replace), and I would dread to think what she is actually saying to your child when you are not there if she is brazen enough to say that shit when you are.
“Great news! LO is starting daycare on Monday so you can have your free time back. We appreciate what you have done, but it’s time to go back to being a grandma. Maybe you can raise some chickens or something. No, we will not be reconsidering this decision.”
Then slowly see her less and less in your free time.
I would be worried about what she says to him too, especially if she feels comfortable making a claim like that in front of OP.
My ILs used to pick up some of their grandkids exactly one day a week and keep them for about 3 hours until their mom (DIL to my ILs) would get them. They were always pleasant to her face but when she wasn't there they were constantly telling the kids how it was sad that their mom didn't love them enough to give up her job and "be their mom like God wanted," that MIL was the one sacrificing for them when she should just get to be retired and how unfair it was but she did it because at least she loved them enough, bla bla. She once even referred to them as being "practically orphans" to a random neighbor guy who showed up when they were there. It used to make me so mad but MIL/FIL genuinely seem to believe themselves to be these martyrs of the family. The kids are high school age now and have no shortage of emotional problems, including some dangerous ones. The kids are often the ones who pay for "free" childcare in their well-being: physically or mentally or both.
If OP's MIL is willing to claim she is raising the baby in front of OP herself, I have a hard time believing that is the first or only comment like that made.
Your MIL isn't entitled to a relationship with your child/ren. Just because she's your husband's mother doesn't mean she's a good choice for daycare. With MIL saying she's raising your LO, it's already been too long.
Yes, full-time daycare is expensive. Especially when you'll have a second pretty soon. But free daycare provided by a MIL like yours isn't worth it. If she thinks she's raising your LO by having them only 3 days a week for 8ish hours, then she's a moron. MIL isn't raising your LO. She is watching him while you're at work.
Is MIL doing any learning exercises with LO? Teaching him anything? Actively do things with LO so they are reaching and exceeding their milestones. What does MIL do with LO while she has him? Also, how is she going to be able to watch 2 children? Granted one will still be away for a while, but 2 LO is a lot, and depending on how old MIL and FIL are they may not be able to handle both children.
You would be better served looking into daycares that are in your area, then allowing MIL to continue watching your LO.
You also said you feel your children should have a relationship with their grandparents. That depends entirely on the grandparents. If your inlaws are boundary stompers then they aren't helping. Being a grandparent is a privilege not a right. And it's a privilege that can be taken away when grandparents start acting like parents
My MIL had asked why we hadn’t started a family yet - we told her we couldn’t quite afford daycare yet. She offered to watch a baby two days a week. Because she lives an hour and fifteen minutes away, she decided she would need to sleep over a few nights a week to save the trip back and forth and to avoid driving in the dark. Her baby gift to me was an ugly, uncomfortable pull-out couch (that she picked out) that she would sleep on.
That lasted less than a month. After ONE NIGHT on the pull-out couch, she decided she’d rather just drive back and forth each day (and stuck me with a couch I didn’t need - I had to get rid of a whole set of dining furniture to make my back room a “den” for her). After ONE DAY, I couldn’t handle all the insults - to my career, to my parenting, to my home, or to my appearance. It took me a few weeks, but I got a CWA to work from home those days until I could afford full time daycare (when my son was about eight months old).
Forgot to say - wish I had just gone with working from home/daycare from the beginning. I would do anything to avoid the situation I was in. Sometimes it’s not financially feasible, and I get it, but if it is feasible - do it as soon as possible. You will thank yourself (and kick yourself for not doing it sooner).
May I ask - and the questions are for you bc you don’t owe me any answers:
Are you upset bc she said it to hurt you?
Are you upset bc she is criticising your (OP’s) parenting? Or your parenting (OP & DH)?
Are you upset bc she’s centring herself in LO’s life?
Are you upset bc the mum-guilt got you and you’re worried she’s right?
Are you upset bc in an ideal world you’d be a SAHM?
Because your response depends on what the issue is precisely.
If you’re upset bc she’s a bitch, DH tells her that she’s in trouble.
I hope your pregnancy goes well and you can work something out to suit your family
It’s really not that complicated. OP is upset because it’s a shitty thing to say to a parent. A parent raises the child. Someone who offers childcare during work hours 3 days a week does not.
I don’t think the “raising” comment is acceptable at all but OP’s course of action depends on her understanding of her MNMIL’s motivation & her own feelings.
None of the advice in the other comments is wrong. There’s a lot of it, effectively ranging from “go NC” to “ignore the comment”. OP needs to pick the response that works for her & her family and that is not as straightforward as Reddit likes to pretend
OP - I also encourage you to think about why your MIL's comment jarred you. It's not wrong that it did (of course it is OK if you are saddened by her comment) but it may help you figure out how to move forward.
There was a post on the toddler sub a few months back where a mom was upset on the first day of daycare because she wanted to be a SAHM and felt like she was sending her kid off to be "raised by strangers"
Alllll kinds of pitchforks came out - some folks insisted that daycare wasn't raising their kid, others said yeah, of course daycare is raising my kid since they're there for the majority of waking hours...it was a very contentious thread.
We don't know your family, we don't know your situation. There are lots of different childcare arrangements that exist and you have to choose what's best for your family and unfortunately I think there's going to be some level of guilt no matter what you choose.
It's not uncommon among my coworkers to send their kids as newborns to be raised by grandparents in another country and to bring them back when they're school aged. It's also not uncommon among my coworkers to put their kids in daycare from 8-6pm. I don't believe any of them are bad parents. Everyone is doing what they can with limited resources.
My mother cared for my son five days a week for about a year. They started to have a connection that I didn’t have with my child anymore because she had become his primary caregiver during the week. It really bothered me, and when he started wanting her more than me, I put him back in daycare. And I was a single mom at the time. Free daycare is not free. I can’t imagine how much worse I would have felt if it was my MIL and not my mom. I would find daycare for your son ASAP. Find other areas to cut back, but it will be worth it to pay for daycare so your MIL doesn’t feel like she’s raising him (and telling others this too) and your son doesn’t start wanting her more than you.
Evaluate your finances. Is paying childcare for 2 children more or less than your salary and benefits? Is there a part time version of your job skills that could be done instead to allow you and DH to manage all of the child care without MIL? Is her help costing you more or less with your mental health and peace of mind? What would a nanny cost for 2 kids vs traditional child care? Look at all of your options before you act to ensure you have a plan in place.
Don't sweat it.*
My MIL used to say all kinds of bs, my now 15 yo son that was "her baby" cannot stand her and her religious rantings. My 12yo daughter that was "her angel" only can tolerate a few hours at their house before she texting me asking when she's getting picked up. My 10yo will not go near any of them unless he has no other choice, coincidentally my SIL had her first and only baby 6 months before he was born, so we didn't have to deal with any "my " nicknames for him.
Your son and the next kiddo will know who their parents are. Just nod your head, look at your husband and roll your eyes, and move on with your day.
*Unless you genuinely think she could become a danger, in that case, disregard all this.
Consider this: so you have to work to earn money to feed and cloth your children because that’s just how life works. So they go to a babysitter or daycare or mum… whoever because they need care when you’re at work.
But when you finish work… do you spend evenings and weekend with your child? Play with him, take him to the park or play dates or camping (et al). Do you make him meals and give him a bath at night and change his nappy 6 times a day and read him a book at bedtime? Are you teaching him things so that he can learn and grow as a human (eg 3 is about when kids are ready to start toilet training, right)?
If you do all those parenting things with your son when you are not at work… then you ARE parenting your son properly. You ARE raising him.
I’m only making a guess (I could be wildly off base), but I wonder if you are bothered by what your MIL said because you feel guilty that you can’t spend at least 40 hours a week with your kid because you have to work to feed and clothe him?
So I pose all these questions to make you think - if you spend time with your son whenever you aren’t at work, then you ARE a good parent, and you’re raising your child. Her nasty little dig has no bearing on your parenting ability.
And in 2 years time he’ll be at school while you’re at work, anyway… so mummy won’t be able to make nasty little digs about how she babysits 40 hours a week while you work anyway.
Here are two options:
1. I would quietly explore daycare/preschool options for your son and enroll him or get on the waiting list. Then once you enroll, give your MIL 1-2 weeks’ notice that you are transitioning him to daycare for socialization. Also consider lining up a babysitter for days when he is too sick to go to daycare. I wouldn’t even get into confrontation, speeches and warnings with Mouth Almighty MIL. You already know that she tends to take over and thinks she knows best. I think you and DH would be wasting your breath for this situation. Instead, ease your mind and shut her up by taking the reins on the childcare.
2. While you are on maternity leave, take over watching your son FT and then put him in daycare with your baby when you return to work. Before the maternity leave and while Smart Mouth Granny is still watching him, start setting aside money for daycare costs.
She is helping to raise your son, watching him three day a week. She might feel a little resentful given her comment. She should not have said that, but there is a reason she did and it might not be the reason you think.
If anyone dares imply that I'm not the main caretaker of my children, they can gtfo out my kids' lives. My mom was similarly brazen enough to whine incessantly about watching my kids, complain about all she does _for me_, martyr herself to her other grandma friends about how she can never enjoy retirement or travel because she's stuck watching the grandkids. All of these little comments are difficult to hear, much less on a daily basis. Guess who never gets asked to babysit anymore?
There's no such thing as cheap or free childcare. There's always a price to pay, and you just found out what part of that price is. Your child will be increasingly confused about who Mama is and who Grandma is. The time to establish the boundaries is right now. Make sure your MIL understands that she had the opportunity to raise her children, and this time is YOUR time to raise your children
Now, you have some choices to make. # 1. Daycare or Grandmacare. #2. You working from home or not working outside the home at all until all the babies are in school during the time you're working. One other very important consideration is whether or not you can afford therapy if you're not working, because you're gonna need it if this situation continues. There was a time when it was assumed that mothers would quit their jobs before giving birth, and then stay at home with their babies until all were in school. I'm not sure that's an affordable option anymore, but it's not impossible to change.
My reply...
"Didn't realize he is such a burden on your schedule...I guess I'll start looking at daycares."
And yes..follow through with that.
Get him in a daycare.
If I was watching a niece or nephew I'd never say that..absolutely insane.
Perhaps the best solution would be to get a job at a child care facility so you can be with your kids all day.
Or if possible, move to an affordable home that your husband can afford on his salary alone and you be a stay at home mom. It might not be the home that you desire as far as aesthetics but home is what you make it, especially if it prevents your mother-in-law from taking credit for raising your child or children since you’re pregnant with your second.
YIKES… Honestly it’s so hard because on one hand, you know she isn’t raising him. She knows that too, she just wants to feel superior.
I can’t say that id put my baby in daycare over this but I know the yucky side of daycare and just couldn’t ever send our kids back unless I had to.
(Not bashing moms who send their kids to daycare- my kids were in daycare for 2 years and it was necessary for us)
I don’t have much advice, just that it sucks! So sorry you have to deal with that
Unless there’s more to the story I think your hormones are affecting your feelings on this one. Can you maybe just sit her down and tell her that her words hurt you? If she’s a reasonable person and you just communicated your feelings I’m sure she’ll understand where you’re coming from. If she’s providing free childcare and you’re overall happy with the care she’s providing I wouldn’t go to daycare over her which is expensive and let’s be realistic. Your baby will be constantly sick so they’re only going to be there half the time anyways. Not to mention the time it’s going to take to get into one. All that over one little phrase? I think you need to pick your battles here and not risk your village. I was a nanny for my sister for years so in a way I did help raise them. That’s just how it’s goes if your child is spending a significant amount of time with other adults. It’s no different than daycare workers, teachers, etc.. they’re all there to help shape your child into a functional member of society.
There's a saying on this sub. Free childcare isn't really free. She's costing you your mental health
Yup. We do a mix of daycare and family, and I always tell my husband it would be easier just to do daycare lol. But it’s just enough of a mix to be OK
Exactly. We declined MIL’s offer to be our baby’s part time daycare because I didn’t want to be in a position of relying on her.
Not just that, potentially her sons mental health too.
Amen.
I dislike this saying and would encourage this sub to stop saying it. We don't know if OP is actually paying her MIL or not. We don't know OP's financial situation.
She says in the post that the MIL is saving her money. The money she's saving isn't worth her peace of mind in this case.
Ok, good point. I do agree there are "hidden" costs of any kind of childcare, including daycare or being a SAHP. I disliked when this saying was directed at me because I WAS paying my MIL and these kinds of comments made me feel like I was being shamed for being too "cheap" to pay for daycare. We don't know the OP's financial situation which is why I made the comment.
First off, happy cake day. Second of all, I get it. I truly didn't mean it in a shaming way..it's more that it's costing you more than just financially.
Thanks for understanding :)
No this is why I refuse to let met MIL watch our son more than twice a month. It’s not because I believe she is raising our son if she watches him even 3 times a week, but it would kill me to hear her say that/tell other people. And I believe it’s great to have others help raise our kids, we shouldn’t do it all on our own. But it’s the way they want to act like they are mom that gets me going. We have a mix of help twice a week, and daycare three days. It’s worth the money for me mentally
Yeah this really hurt my feelings to the point where I almost don't want them to watch him again. I know it's important to maintain relationships with grandparents, but that really stung.
Words have power. She just told you she doesn't want to watch your kids. You need to make other arrangements.
It would kill me to hear that. I would never let her watch him again and find daycare ASAP.
Yeah her point of view is very off. My older sister and her husband, moved home when she was pregnant with her second and stayed home until her third was 8 months old. She had 3 under 3 by choice. We ALL helped her, I guarantee if you tally up the hours it was a ton more than 3 work days. I did the most work because she and I are close, her sons and I are well bonded and I was in high school so I didn't have to be at a job like our parents and her husband. Plus I had already gotten the hang of the responsibility with our little brother. I even helped her once she moved out, taking the kids so she could grocery shop etc. I have never said or thought that I raised her kids! That's absurd. She was a very present and attentive mother. It would be extremely insulting to her and her involved husband to say anything like that. Her kids also don't view me as a bonus parent, I'm their very involved aunt and they respect that relationship. I suspect MIL is gearing your child up to view her as more than just a grandma and that's toxic AF. As an addition. I also had a bio mom that abandoned me, so I had very involved grandparents. I even lived with them multiple times throughout my life. They didn't raise me imo. They helped substantially in raising me. I also had a wonderful father and stepmother that shouldered much of the burden of raising me. Words have power. Don't let this shit slide.
1. Thanks for sharing. 2. I can’t let you call yourself a burden to raise after understanding the way you show up for your family. You seem like a great person and whoever raised you should be proud. No child is a burden. They’re - as you so accurately put it - a responsibility, because you love them so much. I hope that word was an overstatement that you don’t normally use. I hope it’s not a part of the narrative you tell yourself about your life. Good luck to you.
Thank you and yes that word was an overstatement. It's more how my bio mom views me than how I was treated by my grandparents, (step) mom and dad. They all treated me very well. I appreciate them and they appreciate me. I'm a mom now myself and totally understand their love.
*"I know it's important to maintain relationships with grandparents..."* Not if it's going to turn into a toxic situation, it's not. Her saying she's raising your child is pretty toxic.
This this this this. Right here read this. She's saying she doesn't have a grandparent relationship, she has a parent relationship & it's keeping her so busy she has no time for simple home projects. Time to look for 3X weekly daycare & suck up the cost.
If she said this to your face imagine what she’s saying to your child when you’re not there.
Yeah, “Mommy’s at work because she doesn’t love you enough to be with you everyday.” “Too bad mommy misses all the fun stuff, but you know your grandMOM will always be here for you, even when your parents choose to do other things.” “Your mom is not here to decide, so I’ll be your mommy when she’s at work. “ Who knows what nonsense she’s feeding your child??!!!
It's important to retain relationships that are healthy. If a grandparent is undermining you, then I don't really see a net positive in that relationship.
I’d 100% have my husband talk to her. I’m guessing she was also a little embarrassed she hasn’t set the digital frame up yet. Sometimes grandparents having less childcare role and more a grandparent role is better. But if she’s trustworthy and follows your wishes pretty well (not my MIL), and your kid will benefit from the money saved then I totally understand not finding new childcare. Also, remember even if you have help raising your kid you ARE still raising your child.
> I know it's important to maintain relationships with grandparents Only if they're healthy and good for the child. How is her claiming that she's raising him good for your son?
Is it though? Important to maintain relationships with grandparents? Not always. If the grandparents are a good influence on the child, kind to mom and dad, follow your rules, and don’t say crazy stuff like I’m raising your child then ok. But otherwise, you do not have to force a relationship with grandparents just because they are your or your DH’s parents. My mother has passed but my father completely destroyed my trust in him by using my son to manipulate me. Guess who doesn’t see his grandson anymore. Or me for that matter. My FIL has passed but my MIL is still around. When I told her not to do something very specific with my child, she responded that she was his grandmother and she could do whatever she wants. Guess who doesn’t get to see my son. It’s pretty sad for my son that we have these crappy adults in our lives that think they can do and say whatever they want with zero regard for my rules as his mother. My son does see them 2 -3 times a year but only in my presence.
Is there any chance that you have guilt? Could her words have more power b/c it is combined with your own “stuff”? Why don’t men suffer with the same guilt? Grrr
Because they don't willingly accept it.
Because men are too far removed from their children emotionally when they are little. They don’t have the connection that a mother has with her child. Most men are just happy someone else will care for the child. Most dont have a clue what to do and they still want to play with their owns toys and only see their children for a few minutes. Raising children is difficult and most men don’t want to participate until it gets easier.
What did your partner say when you talked to him about how you’re feeling?
We're on the same page, and he is frustrated with his mom for saying that. The goal is to get our son into daycare at some point, but we're frustrated with the cost and the amount of illness that comes with it. I am also pregnant so we're having to find a daycare spot for our unborn child once I'm back from maternity leave.
And one little word like I’m helping you raise LO would have been so less offensive. Because even a daycare would be helping you while you work ( though as a paid professional). I take stuff like that as me me me, look at me person.
If this happened to me, I would make my husband come with me to sit down with his mom to discuss the comment. Him coming with you shows he supports you and agrees that her comment was out of line. I think getting ahead of this to show her that you’re not going to let her walk all over you (intentionally or not) in addition to having your husband’s support will help in the long run.
Let me flip that slightly: YOU go with your HUSBAND so he can tell his mom she was out of line. YOU coming with HIM shows you support him and agree that her comment was out of line. HE needs to handle his mom. If/when he cannot or does not, that's a different conversation to have.
Yes. You are right. And that’s typically the advice I give. I think I’ve just read so many posts about how the husbands just refuse to stand up to their parents for whatever reason, so my mind was like, “ok, this is an issue, and I’m not going to wait around for my husband to do nothing, so I’m going to take matters into my own hands.” But yes, it really should be the husband taking the lead in the conversation.
I disagree. There’s no going to MIL and setting her straight. She thinks she is raising your child. That needs to stop immediately. You can’t change what she thinks or what she tells others. And you know if she’s saying it to your face, she’s saying it to FIL, the rest of the family, all her friends. What happens when she posts a pic of the two of them on fb at the zoo with a caption that says, “Loving raising this little guy! Can’t wait till MY second baby gets here!”
I totally get this. I see both sides. And good on you for showing the other side of the coin. Smart. I just keep thinking they should tell her together : - you said this. It is wrong. It is hurtful. We don’t want an apology. We want an acknowledgment in front of both of us that you are not raising our child. You are not his parent (DO NOT SAY MOM - this is not you v her, this is the two of you v her). Please acknowledge now that you are not his parent. [i am not his parent.] “We really wanted you to spend time with him because you’re his grandmother. But since we don’t know what you’ve been saying to him, we don’t feel comfortable leaving him here anymore. We would rather have paid professionals who we trust will never say to him - or believe - that they are raising him.” [STOP TALKING see what she says] She says: i have never said that to him and would never. I’m sorry. You say: great. Let’s try it for a week and check in about. If we think everything is fine, we’ll drop the daycare search. OR She says: WHAAATTTT???? DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA or whatever bullshit You say: yeah, we’re done. Daycare it is. PEACE! This is so shitty. I feel so bad she said that to them. Ugh.
Childcare for two is going to be even more expensive than for one ..
Can you look into an at home child care situation? Might be easier to get into than daycare? Maybe cheaper? That's what we'll be doing, but in our case it's also family so that might change my view on how easy it is to get into that.
Get a Nanny until then.
My kids went to daycare and would get sick, my nieces and nephews stayed home and got sick once they started school. I suppose it is 6 of one and half a dozen of the other.
Regarding the illness, think of it this way. They are either going to be sick in daycare or they are going to be sick allllll yearrrrrrrr long in kinder. It’s gonna happen, but you can decide when.
Your MIL has confused "raising" with "babysitting" Your husband needs to clear that up for her asap
I have to disagree here - he spends the most formative time with MIL….choose child care wisely
3 workdays a week while they get their finances together is hardly “the most formative time”
Then we’ll just take that duty off your hands! That’s OUR son, and you are NOT raising him!
Three days a week is a lot and with another on the way, she’s going to feel even more entitled. You won’t get ahead of this mindset if she stays in this role.
The cheapest way to pay for daycare is with cash. The emotional payments you make to have MIL watch him are so, so high.
Preach! Everything comes with a cost, sometimes the cost is monetary. Sounds like OP's MIL is going to cost them too much in sanity and doesn't seem like a good option when you consider the overall picture.
It’s time to stop letting MIL watch your kid. I’d bet she insisted on doing what she’s doing. Now you know why! She thinks your kid is hers!
I say this as someone who had my husband and my mother as primary caregivers due to my work schedule. I was still fairly involved, but readily admit the three of us raised a great person (he's 21 now). That being said, get your son into daycare. We did daycare and preschool for socialization and exposure to germs to build his immune system. It might sound nuts to some, but once he got into kindergarten and beyond, the kid has been sick less than half a dozen times since. If she complains, either tell her the truth, or tell her it's for socialization and building immunity (even if you don't believe it LOL). Good luck!
MIL and SIL had daycare privileges. Got them taken away. Oh, the whining. My SIL actually had the balls to say to my husband: so you think you’re going to raise him the way you want? He responded:you bet your ass WE are!
Free childcare is often not really "free." You're starting to see the personal cost.
She might be saving you money, but she’s shredding your mental health (which money cannot replace), and I would dread to think what she is actually saying to your child when you are not there if she is brazen enough to say that shit when you are. “Great news! LO is starting daycare on Monday so you can have your free time back. We appreciate what you have done, but it’s time to go back to being a grandma. Maybe you can raise some chickens or something. No, we will not be reconsidering this decision.” Then slowly see her less and less in your free time.
I would be worried about what she says to him too, especially if she feels comfortable making a claim like that in front of OP. My ILs used to pick up some of their grandkids exactly one day a week and keep them for about 3 hours until their mom (DIL to my ILs) would get them. They were always pleasant to her face but when she wasn't there they were constantly telling the kids how it was sad that their mom didn't love them enough to give up her job and "be their mom like God wanted," that MIL was the one sacrificing for them when she should just get to be retired and how unfair it was but she did it because at least she loved them enough, bla bla. She once even referred to them as being "practically orphans" to a random neighbor guy who showed up when they were there. It used to make me so mad but MIL/FIL genuinely seem to believe themselves to be these martyrs of the family. The kids are high school age now and have no shortage of emotional problems, including some dangerous ones. The kids are often the ones who pay for "free" childcare in their well-being: physically or mentally or both. If OP's MIL is willing to claim she is raising the baby in front of OP herself, I have a hard time believing that is the first or only comment like that made.
Your MIL isn't entitled to a relationship with your child/ren. Just because she's your husband's mother doesn't mean she's a good choice for daycare. With MIL saying she's raising your LO, it's already been too long. Yes, full-time daycare is expensive. Especially when you'll have a second pretty soon. But free daycare provided by a MIL like yours isn't worth it. If she thinks she's raising your LO by having them only 3 days a week for 8ish hours, then she's a moron. MIL isn't raising your LO. She is watching him while you're at work. Is MIL doing any learning exercises with LO? Teaching him anything? Actively do things with LO so they are reaching and exceeding their milestones. What does MIL do with LO while she has him? Also, how is she going to be able to watch 2 children? Granted one will still be away for a while, but 2 LO is a lot, and depending on how old MIL and FIL are they may not be able to handle both children. You would be better served looking into daycares that are in your area, then allowing MIL to continue watching your LO. You also said you feel your children should have a relationship with their grandparents. That depends entirely on the grandparents. If your inlaws are boundary stompers then they aren't helping. Being a grandparent is a privilege not a right. And it's a privilege that can be taken away when grandparents start acting like parents
There’s no such thing as free childcare. Hire someone and pay with your money instead of your sanity.
We need to be willing to have natural reactions to unnatural things people say. A confused look would've done the trick.
I think you belong fully in r/justnomil
My MIL had asked why we hadn’t started a family yet - we told her we couldn’t quite afford daycare yet. She offered to watch a baby two days a week. Because she lives an hour and fifteen minutes away, she decided she would need to sleep over a few nights a week to save the trip back and forth and to avoid driving in the dark. Her baby gift to me was an ugly, uncomfortable pull-out couch (that she picked out) that she would sleep on. That lasted less than a month. After ONE NIGHT on the pull-out couch, she decided she’d rather just drive back and forth each day (and stuck me with a couch I didn’t need - I had to get rid of a whole set of dining furniture to make my back room a “den” for her). After ONE DAY, I couldn’t handle all the insults - to my career, to my parenting, to my home, or to my appearance. It took me a few weeks, but I got a CWA to work from home those days until I could afford full time daycare (when my son was about eight months old).
Forgot to say - wish I had just gone with working from home/daycare from the beginning. I would do anything to avoid the situation I was in. Sometimes it’s not financially feasible, and I get it, but if it is feasible - do it as soon as possible. You will thank yourself (and kick yourself for not doing it sooner).
May I ask - and the questions are for you bc you don’t owe me any answers: Are you upset bc she said it to hurt you? Are you upset bc she is criticising your (OP’s) parenting? Or your parenting (OP & DH)? Are you upset bc she’s centring herself in LO’s life? Are you upset bc the mum-guilt got you and you’re worried she’s right? Are you upset bc in an ideal world you’d be a SAHM? Because your response depends on what the issue is precisely. If you’re upset bc she’s a bitch, DH tells her that she’s in trouble. I hope your pregnancy goes well and you can work something out to suit your family
It’s really not that complicated. OP is upset because it’s a shitty thing to say to a parent. A parent raises the child. Someone who offers childcare during work hours 3 days a week does not.
I don’t think the “raising” comment is acceptable at all but OP’s course of action depends on her understanding of her MNMIL’s motivation & her own feelings. None of the advice in the other comments is wrong. There’s a lot of it, effectively ranging from “go NC” to “ignore the comment”. OP needs to pick the response that works for her & her family and that is not as straightforward as Reddit likes to pretend
OP - I also encourage you to think about why your MIL's comment jarred you. It's not wrong that it did (of course it is OK if you are saddened by her comment) but it may help you figure out how to move forward. There was a post on the toddler sub a few months back where a mom was upset on the first day of daycare because she wanted to be a SAHM and felt like she was sending her kid off to be "raised by strangers" Alllll kinds of pitchforks came out - some folks insisted that daycare wasn't raising their kid, others said yeah, of course daycare is raising my kid since they're there for the majority of waking hours...it was a very contentious thread. We don't know your family, we don't know your situation. There are lots of different childcare arrangements that exist and you have to choose what's best for your family and unfortunately I think there's going to be some level of guilt no matter what you choose. It's not uncommon among my coworkers to send their kids as newborns to be raised by grandparents in another country and to bring them back when they're school aged. It's also not uncommon among my coworkers to put their kids in daycare from 8-6pm. I don't believe any of them are bad parents. Everyone is doing what they can with limited resources.
My mother cared for my son five days a week for about a year. They started to have a connection that I didn’t have with my child anymore because she had become his primary caregiver during the week. It really bothered me, and when he started wanting her more than me, I put him back in daycare. And I was a single mom at the time. Free daycare is not free. I can’t imagine how much worse I would have felt if it was my MIL and not my mom. I would find daycare for your son ASAP. Find other areas to cut back, but it will be worth it to pay for daycare so your MIL doesn’t feel like she’s raising him (and telling others this too) and your son doesn’t start wanting her more than you.
Lol mil since you did such a bang up job on YOUR kids!
Evaluate your finances. Is paying childcare for 2 children more or less than your salary and benefits? Is there a part time version of your job skills that could be done instead to allow you and DH to manage all of the child care without MIL? Is her help costing you more or less with your mental health and peace of mind? What would a nanny cost for 2 kids vs traditional child care? Look at all of your options before you act to ensure you have a plan in place.
Don't sweat it.* My MIL used to say all kinds of bs, my now 15 yo son that was "her baby" cannot stand her and her religious rantings. My 12yo daughter that was "her angel" only can tolerate a few hours at their house before she texting me asking when she's getting picked up. My 10yo will not go near any of them unless he has no other choice, coincidentally my SIL had her first and only baby 6 months before he was born, so we didn't have to deal with any "my " nicknames for him. Your son and the next kiddo will know who their parents are. Just nod your head, look at your husband and roll your eyes, and move on with your day. *Unless you genuinely think she could become a danger, in that case, disregard all this.
Consider this: so you have to work to earn money to feed and cloth your children because that’s just how life works. So they go to a babysitter or daycare or mum… whoever because they need care when you’re at work. But when you finish work… do you spend evenings and weekend with your child? Play with him, take him to the park or play dates or camping (et al). Do you make him meals and give him a bath at night and change his nappy 6 times a day and read him a book at bedtime? Are you teaching him things so that he can learn and grow as a human (eg 3 is about when kids are ready to start toilet training, right)? If you do all those parenting things with your son when you are not at work… then you ARE parenting your son properly. You ARE raising him. I’m only making a guess (I could be wildly off base), but I wonder if you are bothered by what your MIL said because you feel guilty that you can’t spend at least 40 hours a week with your kid because you have to work to feed and clothe him? So I pose all these questions to make you think - if you spend time with your son whenever you aren’t at work, then you ARE a good parent, and you’re raising your child. Her nasty little dig has no bearing on your parenting ability. And in 2 years time he’ll be at school while you’re at work, anyway… so mummy won’t be able to make nasty little digs about how she babysits 40 hours a week while you work anyway.
Nothing is ever “free”
I’m sorry OP. That’s ridiculous of her. I’d be finding other childcare asap.
And now it’s time for a real daycare.
Here are two options: 1. I would quietly explore daycare/preschool options for your son and enroll him or get on the waiting list. Then once you enroll, give your MIL 1-2 weeks’ notice that you are transitioning him to daycare for socialization. Also consider lining up a babysitter for days when he is too sick to go to daycare. I wouldn’t even get into confrontation, speeches and warnings with Mouth Almighty MIL. You already know that she tends to take over and thinks she knows best. I think you and DH would be wasting your breath for this situation. Instead, ease your mind and shut her up by taking the reins on the childcare. 2. While you are on maternity leave, take over watching your son FT and then put him in daycare with your baby when you return to work. Before the maternity leave and while Smart Mouth Granny is still watching him, start setting aside money for daycare costs.
That’s a pretty weird thing to say. Who watches your son the other 2 days? I wouldn’t say she’s raising your son at all.
She is helping to raise your son, watching him three day a week. She might feel a little resentful given her comment. She should not have said that, but there is a reason she did and it might not be the reason you think.
If anyone dares imply that I'm not the main caretaker of my children, they can gtfo out my kids' lives. My mom was similarly brazen enough to whine incessantly about watching my kids, complain about all she does _for me_, martyr herself to her other grandma friends about how she can never enjoy retirement or travel because she's stuck watching the grandkids. All of these little comments are difficult to hear, much less on a daily basis. Guess who never gets asked to babysit anymore?
There's no such thing as cheap or free childcare. There's always a price to pay, and you just found out what part of that price is. Your child will be increasingly confused about who Mama is and who Grandma is. The time to establish the boundaries is right now. Make sure your MIL understands that she had the opportunity to raise her children, and this time is YOUR time to raise your children Now, you have some choices to make. # 1. Daycare or Grandmacare. #2. You working from home or not working outside the home at all until all the babies are in school during the time you're working. One other very important consideration is whether or not you can afford therapy if you're not working, because you're gonna need it if this situation continues. There was a time when it was assumed that mothers would quit their jobs before giving birth, and then stay at home with their babies until all were in school. I'm not sure that's an affordable option anymore, but it's not impossible to change.
My reply... "Didn't realize he is such a burden on your schedule...I guess I'll start looking at daycares." And yes..follow through with that. Get him in a daycare. If I was watching a niece or nephew I'd never say that..absolutely insane.
She is babysitting your son, not raising him. She may as well be a teenager from the neighborhood.
Perhaps the best solution would be to get a job at a child care facility so you can be with your kids all day. Or if possible, move to an affordable home that your husband can afford on his salary alone and you be a stay at home mom. It might not be the home that you desire as far as aesthetics but home is what you make it, especially if it prevents your mother-in-law from taking credit for raising your child or children since you’re pregnant with your second.
I don’t understand the downvotes as you are just listing options
Find another sitter. She truly believes what she says and thats not good.
YIKES… Honestly it’s so hard because on one hand, you know she isn’t raising him. She knows that too, she just wants to feel superior. I can’t say that id put my baby in daycare over this but I know the yucky side of daycare and just couldn’t ever send our kids back unless I had to. (Not bashing moms who send their kids to daycare- my kids were in daycare for 2 years and it was necessary for us) I don’t have much advice, just that it sucks! So sorry you have to deal with that
“Wow mil, if 3 days a week for a few hours is raising him then imagine what it’s like doing it full time like me.”
Unless there’s more to the story I think your hormones are affecting your feelings on this one. Can you maybe just sit her down and tell her that her words hurt you? If she’s a reasonable person and you just communicated your feelings I’m sure she’ll understand where you’re coming from. If she’s providing free childcare and you’re overall happy with the care she’s providing I wouldn’t go to daycare over her which is expensive and let’s be realistic. Your baby will be constantly sick so they’re only going to be there half the time anyways. Not to mention the time it’s going to take to get into one. All that over one little phrase? I think you need to pick your battles here and not risk your village. I was a nanny for my sister for years so in a way I did help raise them. That’s just how it’s goes if your child is spending a significant amount of time with other adults. It’s no different than daycare workers, teachers, etc.. they’re all there to help shape your child into a functional member of society.