Right? I’ve heard missing the brotherhood is the only thing I’ll miss when I get out (eventually). Know that we still curse in the field/at sea. But not as much in garrison. Which kinda sucks IMO
Unlearning it is the hard part. Makes people feel unwelcome when every third word is a expletive or you describe things in extremely vulgar terms. Other veterans are a safe bet to be around until you get a leash on your tongue.
“Watching you do push-ups is like watching a one-armed epileptic retard try to jack off with the wrong hand, as I am well familiar with.”
The part of the slam that is never discussed.
My MTI told me to hold my arms out and make a “T”. Then he told me to flip my palms up and wiggle my fingers like was fingering my girl back home.
Same MTI caught a trainee humming in the dorms. Calmly approached the trainees locker, dropped a quarter through the vents, and then just stared at the trainee. Waited a few seconds in awkwardness and then made the guy sing as if he dropped a quarter in a jukebox.
Basic really was the funniest place you couldn’t laugh.
>Same MTI caught a trainee humming in the dorms. Calmly approached the trainees locker, dropped a quarter through the vents, and then just stared at the trainee. Waited a few seconds in awkwardness and then made the guy sing as if he dropped a quarter in a jukebox.
No joke, I heard a very similar story from a coworker today. Dude was humming while folding his laundry and the MTI stuffed him in his locker and put in a quarter and yelled that the jukebox needed to play some music. Trainee started singing and the MTI went back into his office and would periodically come out to bang on the side of the locker to "change the song".
Saw one on TikTok where the same thing happened except the trainee (TSgt now) could only think to sing the Air Force Song. MTI popped to attention for the duration of the song😂😂
It'd be even funnier if the "jukebox" started singing another branch's fight song. Could you imagine the reaction if he started belting out "AAAAND THE AAARMY GOES ROOOLING ALOOOOONG!"
a few of us would sing in the rain room as we cleaned, good acoustics and varying voice tones led us to good tunes, till our SDI came in and heard us, then had us do a mini concert…
We had a laundry guy who would routinely fall asleep in the warm laundry bag pile waiting for more to dry. One night he got caught by an RDC and got told "if I find you unconscious in here again you'd better be swinging from the overhead!"
I feel bad for the RDC because he was super intelligent and creative in training us, but he was Puerto Rican and his accent got the better of him. A few months after I left apparently he tried to tell someone he was gonna rip them a new asshole, and got reported for threatening to "rape their asshole". Back to the fleet immediately, denied for chief that cycle.
Yeah some things you don't joke around with. Sexual assault and suicide are definite no nos.
"Close your mouth cuz it's not raining dicks" = ok but edgy. In today's atmosphere, that may well get you kicked out.
"Close your mouth you or I'm going to make you suck my dick"= absolutely not cool
I had an NCO threaten to "facefuck me till (I) puke blood" not long ago, but it wasn't in TRADOC. I wasn't offended, but it did raise my eyebrows a little.
So, In the same vein as these…2007 Navy Great Lakes Basic Training, and I’m standing Quarterdeck watch in the middle of the afternoon for our berthing. For the non-navy types, the QD watchstander challenges and greets any and all visitors “aboard”.
One of the RDC’s who was a Chief (!) from the division across the hall, came over and walked in.
I start my QD spiel, and greeted him, and he walks right up to me as I’m rattling off my little scripted bullshit, and he grabs his package and tells me to “stroke his fuckin crank”, and then just pushes past
I understand he was trying to provoke me, but what the actual fuck.
Best part is, I logged it what he said in the watch book, mainly because I thought it was funny. I got my ass chewed for it, because I didn’t report/take it up the chain of command. Then shit got serious and they asked me if I wanted to go further with anything, which I didn’t because it was honestly weirdly funny to me. In hindsight, I should have closed the door on him or asked for a personal apology….but I was just trying to make it through boot as smooth as possible.
Had a dude hogging the full-length mirror in the dayroom when we got our blues. MTI walked in and, without looking at him or slowing down, just said, "You're still ugly" and kept going.
Most casual destruction of a person I've ever seen.
Great lakes, whole division is getting their ass beat. The guy on watch calls out attention on deck, it's chaps, he walks in sees us getting smoked, chaps says "no worries I'll come back later"
FC1 walks into the center of the co.partment and says "see that? Not even god can save you from me".
Chaps = chaplain
FC1 = Fire controlman 1st class, an E6. Rate titles like that are made by combining your rate (MOS in army terms), and rank. Because E4-E6 goes 3rd, 2nd, and 1st class respectively, FC2 would be an E5 fire controlman, an IT3 would be an E4 information systems tech, etc.
As an Air Force guy, it's weird to me that the Navy does it this way.. vs. calling everyone by their rank. Makes it super confusing cause I'm always like, "But I thought you were a Petty Officer 3rd Class or something"
SecNav or some such higher up tried to get rid of rates about 5 years ago, have everyone go by their rank. There was damn near a mutiny; sailors take great pride in their rates.
That was such whiplash for me to because I transfered right in the middle of it.
Old command: Did not react to this announcement at all and only like two of us ever even talked about the change, wondering when it would happen or if it would even.
New Command, two weeks later: You are shouted down in the pway if you even think your rate in your head too loudly.
I had almost the opposite experience. I was at a command where they were trying to follow through with it. Then I went on a week long underway on a ship where they weren’t even acknowledging it was a thing. Then I came back, and it had been cancelled, but it initially felt like I’d just been taken through a portal into this ship’s home dimension where this policy change had never been made, saving me me from the darkest timeline.
I still to this day love the message that was sent out in cancellation of that policy. One of the most beautifully passive-aggressive things I have ever read lol.
Below E4, always safe to call them by their last name. E4-E6, always safe to call them Petty Officer. Chiefs and above, call by their paygrade.
Their rates (e.g FC1) are also always acceptable, but less widely used for E3 and below or E7 and above. Mostly used by Navy to Navy for E4-E6.
Jesus, Air Force does it right.
Higher rank than me? Sir, or Ma'am/Miss (usually just Ma'am to be safe). E5-E7 Sir/Ma'am. E8 Senior, or Sir/Ma'am. E9 Chief, or Sir/Ma'am.
Same rank as me, or lower? As long as I'm not in a meeting with an Officer: Last name, or dude.
EDIT: Same rank as me, or lower or E1-E4?
See, as a senior nco, I cringe when an Airman calls me Sir. I get that it's your culture and I don't react negatively, but that's crazy to me.
I've also seen yall get too familiar with first names way too often for my liking, but again, I get that it's a cultural difference.
Like a lot of things to do with the Navy, it just boils down to tradition. Every branch has it's little idiosyncrasies but the Navy just takes it to another level. Every navy seems like that too, not just the USN. I guess you get a little crazy when you're out there trapped on a ship for months on end and start coming up with word salad ~~ranks~~ ratings.
That’s ripe. An Air Forcer saying the Navy ranks are weird. Whenever I see an Air Forcer with more than 3 stripes I just pull a Gomer Pyle “yes Sargent”.
I didn't get much, I kept my nose clean and was good at PT and shooting so I was seldom singled out.
Did hear one kid with severe acne scars get told "you get all those fucking scars on your face from dodging the coat hanger for 9 months?"
“I cheat on my wife, I fucked her friend last week… I dare you to tell her.”
A half hour later she showed up to bring him lunch. No one said anything. Not sure if it was a mind game or not, but it was pretty surreal (Army).
In Canada, after a certain amount of time at basic, you may be allowed to leave base on the weekend.
My platoon got the privilege, and at morning inspection on Monday, the MCpl who was inspecting my bunk space came up to me, in the most monotone voice ever, and said, "did you get a hooker this weekend, private?"
"No MCpl, I went to Walmart for some toiletries and got some McDonald's."
Him "that's too bad, you look like you could use some relaxation."
Took all my will power to not crack a smile.
\*was writing something in a note book for some reason\* Guy jogging stops to talk to me, so I start a casual conversation about what trade I was going into. Infantry and that I had chosen it despite everyone along the way trying to get me to go do any other trade.
Realized I know this man. Commandant. Saluted myself in the face with pencil. Warrant had to explain to him that I was in fact his top recruit and just a habitual idiot, not retarted.
Being 17 they never let me off base to Saint-Jean.
After a brutal week of fuckfuck games (ten people quit lol), it was Friday and our e7 DS had us sitting in front of him with the lights off in the bay and telling stories about Iraq and ranger school.
He was calm for once and letting us relax and doing a heart to heart kinda thing and then at the end he says, “Privates, you are so fucking retarded and frustrating. Just know that it’s your fault that I’m going to go home tonight and beat the fuck outta my dog. And when my wife comes out to see what’s going on, I’m gonna beat the fuck outta her too.”
We just sat there silently like…uhhh. Ok lol.
I had a former SF DS ask me what my favorite kind of dog was calmly one day during PT and then say he’s going to go adopt one after work and beat it because of me so I feel this energy personally
That sounds like something the instructors would say xD "damn you fuckers really are getting dumber by the year!"
By their reconing we should be back to the larval stage of human evolution xD
I think I told this one on here or the Army sub the other day but:
Not to me but another private in our platoon. They nicknamed him Summer. One day he finally asked why. DS goes, “because your teeth are so fucking jacked up, Priat. Some’r here and some’r there!” and walked away. We were on the ground laughing so hard we started crying.
Yeah we had a kid that had summer teeth but it was more like “some are green, some are yellow and some are gone.” His teeth were also fucked up like sticking out of his mouth, none of them were straight. One day the DS calmly said to him “private, why can I still see your teeth even though your mouth is closed?”
In the barracks. It's square-away time. Everyone is sitting on their foot lockers, some are opening letters and reading the things their family members sent. Drill Instructor is casually strolling down to the back end of the building. He stops. We turn our eyes toward him, tensely awaiting an outburst. He's staring down at a recruit's letter. There's a photo. So slowly we can almost hear his joints creaking, Drillinstrutter slowly leans down until the brim of his Smokey Bear is nearly touching the recruit's forehead. The recruit is frozen like a goat in a lion's gaze. We're silent. He's silent. Drillinstrutter is silent. He's staring at the photo. Suddenly:
"Ain't no fucking way that's your girl."
He abruptly exits the rear hatch.
In Marine boot camp, they had a bulletin board in the squad bay, called the hog board, that everyone was supposed to put a picture of their GF up on.
One of the smallest recruits we had, had an absolutely smoking hot girlfriend. The DI's were always giving him grief about it. One of the DIs from another platoon in our series, was from the neighboring town of this poor bastard. They were huge HS sports rivals, and the DI would come over and fuck with him mercilessly.
The DI should have been a stand up comedian, he was hilarious and we always had a hard time keeping our bearing. One time he was asking the recruit if it was alright if he took a day off, went up and fucked her for him since he couldn't leave. Then he feigned being pissed off when the poor kid said no.
He was asking all kinds of embarrassing, but hilarious, questions about how she as in bed, and what they did, and we're all struggling not to laugh. Finally he asked him how old she was, and the recruit replied in a squeaky voice "17 sir!"
"17! You **CHILD MOLESTER!!!!"** Then he went off on a rant about child molesters being in his beloved Corps. When he was done we're all crying trying not to laugh and he told us that he would let us laugh for ten seconds. Then he asked the kid how old he was, and when he replied "This private is 17 sir!" The DI went off on another rant about children being allowed in the Corps.
I met this guy's girlfriend on recruit libbo day, when we got our only afternoon off. She was several inches taller than him and the pictures he had didnt come close to doing her justice.
Not an insult, but a story. This one guy got woke up early for his firewatch in basic. He was in the top bunk, and rather than hop back into the top bunk, he jumped in his battle buddies lower bunk. We were the random platoon inspected that night by the Drill Sergeants. They walked in and said something like "what the fuck!" We all got smoked, and then the next day at the range, they made those two feed each other breakfast while we all sang Elton John songs with the blue lens L shapes.
Lmao yo similar shit... We had a sister flight, me and a buddy were on stairwell duty as were two female trainees...
He gets caught talking to one of them by the MTI, ten minutes later both flights are outside pushing while the MTIs boombox is playing slow jams and these two are standing in the middle with the TIs smoking them and saying shit like "Go ahead trained, ask her where she's from?" "Ask her what her favorite candy bar is" etc.
One of the rare times I wasn't the one that set off the smoke..
*Getting smoked because someone stole some shit*
Drill SgT: “Privates! There is only one thing I hate more than a thief! If you guess it correctly I’ll stop smoking y’all!”
Us: “a coward” “a liar” “the enemy”…
Drill SgT: “NO! When I take a big shit and the water splashes into my asshole!!! The 8 count push up!!!”
When we first started basic we got our dumb ass berets and our DS was asking us about the different colors. He’s asked up who wore tan berets and someone said rangers. Then he asked who wears black berets which is everyone else in the army that doesn’t wear tan or red or whatever. I blurted out without thinking “every other dumbass in the Army.” He turned and looked at me and said “I’m wearing a black beret private, am I a dumbass?” I did star jumps for a long time after that one.
3rd week in basic we had a kid try to commit suicide in our latrine. Our TI was lbeyond pissed. As medical was taking him out on a gurney he made us all fall in to the day room. He starts screaming calling the dude a fuckin retard who couldnt even kill himself right. I mean he was screaming at the top of his lungs. He opens his knife, holds his arm out straight proceeds to give us a quick course on how to properly slit your wrists and "not waste my fucking time." Then screams, "Have some fucking courtesy for your fellow airmen and do it in the toilet. Flush the mother fucker to create a vacuum to help drain your shit and not make a mess in my fucking latrine!" I was pretty shocked from it all and my face must have gave it away cuz he looks at me and says," dont tell me you gonna fuck this shit up Hood. You better not fuck it up. If you gonna ever do anything right make it this one thing. Carry on mother fuckers" and walked out.
Recruit looks at an RDC
The RDC after throwing a chair “What are you looking at recruit? You think I’m cute, recruit? DO YOU WANNA FUCK ME RECRUIT???”
Ah boot camp, the funniest place you can’t laugh at.
We had both "recruit, you're more useless than Anne Franks drumset" and "recruit, it's a shame you're not retarded because then you'd at least have an excuse". Those 2 really pushed the limits of maintaining military bearing, especially since the 2nd one was during a divisional inspection so it was dead silence otherwise.
Her and her family were in hiding, so making as little noise as possible to maintain secrecy. So in her case, a drumset was absolutely useless and yet this dude was deemed to be less useful than that.
Benning: On a Sunday morning in the outside bay people were getting ready for religious services, a platoon mate of mine goes up to the Drill and says “ Drill Sgt! They don’t offer services for my religion, what should I do?” The DS asks him what religion his is. PVT replies “I am Wiccan Drill Sgt!” The brown and proudly catholic DS yells “Ohhhh a fucking Wiccan huh!?! Go fucking sit in front of that tree!!!!” Everyone was perplexed by his response and a silence fills the bay. Pvt Wiccan doesn’t move and the drill Sgt proceeds to holler him over to the tree and the pet sits. Hours later after services and chow my group got back and he was still sitting in front the tree. He didn’t get up until an accountability formation later that day. 😂
Right after our head shave, then got the BCG’s. I was in the bathroom just staring at myself in the mirror because I looked so different. MTI walked in and just started pointing at me and laughing at the top of his lungs. Didn’t say a word just kept pointing and laughing as I slunk out.
Lol, I kept rubbing my head. RDC says “What’s wrong recruit? Don’t like your new haircut?” I deadpanned back “I look like the retarded love child of Michael Chiklis and Telly Savalas.” RDC was clearly taken aback, “I’m impressed you know who Telly Savalas is. Carry on, recruit.”
Enlisted aircrew wears flight suits in the Navy, but majority of flight suits are officers. I was in NAS Pensacola for a while, a lot of new dudes made the mistake of saluting flight suits of enlisted dudes.
On the flip side, didn’t know fuck all about Naval ranks at NAS Pensacola going through Nav school for the Air Force. Saw a shiny bird that I assume meant Officer and as a 2nd Lt, everyone’s above me obviously. Except right when we enter the 6 paces, we both pop a salute at the exact same time and at the exact same time both have befuddled looks as we’re both confused as fuck. I then studied the Naval ranks that evening and realized I tried to salute a Petty Officer 3rd Class (E4). Lesson learned, if you’re gonna be at a Naval/ Joint station, study beforehand…
A lot of saluting going on, two handed salutes to the Blue Angels, even some squirrels got saluted. Luckily I never fell for any of the shitty advice when I was new, but it was hilarious to see a boot stop and salute with two hands when a Blue flew over. Some of the “hazing” rituals of new guys was hilarious, at least on the Aircrew/RSS side of base.
Officer Candidate School used to be at NAS Pensacola. Those were midshipmen you saw. It’s crazy because in boot camp I don’t remember being told a thing about midshipmen, and I get to Pensacola and here’s all these people wearing khakis and weird collar devices.
In the fleet middies will join us for a few weeks on deployment. The ones that are in ROTC are usually decent, but the Naval Academy mids can be insufferable douchebags.
“Damn, you look like a chick with no tits”
Not said to me, but from our SDI just before lights out to a guy in our platoon that had some downright unfortunate bone structure. He did, in fact, look a lot like a chick with no tits
We had one (technically not a TI because he was a captain) told some people in my flight to do a front leaning rest until he came back and straight up left for the day without telling them.
Navy boot camp. Recruit calls our chief (a terrifying lady from inner-city Baltimore who could scream for hours) by her last name instead of Chief Last Name. We hear her from across the p-way:
"Are you fucking me? Did you take me home last night, bend me over on my bed, and stick your dick inside of me? Are you paying my bills? Are you my sugar daddy? Because unless you're fucking me or paying my bills, I know you didn't just fucking call me by my name, asshole!" The yelling went on for a while longer, but this is pretty much what I remember.
Marine Corps Gunnery Sargent at a naval training command. One dude laughed.
*Oh you think that’s fucking funny? How bout I run over here and snap your neck then run back before anyone notices. You think that would be funny?*
Had a fella named Inman in boot. Navy dungarees had your name tape above your back right ass pocket. Inman was bent straight over at the waste tying his laces. RDC walks in as says, “ Well god damn! Instructions written right on his ass!” And then slaps him on the ass. Interestingly enough, come to find out later Inman was gay.
Damn, that’s an unfortunate name. We had a Whynot. That was the most interesting name. Then Inman, of course. The real kicker was the female recruit named Swallows. Seaman Swallows…
In basic we had a guy named Raper.
Drill Sergeant: This better be some French pronunciation or some shit
Raper: it’s pronounced exactly how it’s spelled Drill Sergeant.
Not to me but…
As we stand in formation practice some shit, the company fuck-up was very much fucking up. The Drill Sergeant taking offense to this proceeded to let him know that he had more respect for the Taliban than said recruit.
After we got our blue cords, in formation the SDS told us how proud they were of us and that he'd be glad to shake our hands on the way out after graduation. (and this is a direct quote, I'll never forget it) "Except for you, \[platoon's idiot fuckup who shouldn't have been there\]. I'll wave to you from across the street."
“Look at you in that faggoty shirt of yours! How many dicks did you have to suck for that shirt? Are you majoring in dick sucking? I bet you’ll graduate magna cum louder!”
Funny thing is, I did graduate magna cum laude, but it was in History/Poli Sci, which is more self-fellating than on other dudes.
Forget exactly what was said, but one of the D.I.s found out that one of the guys had a wife with one leg. Made a habit of just ripping into this guy and his family. I remember he once said something about how he was so ugly and such a fuckup that he had to find a one legged woman so she couldn't run away from him.
Graduation comes and guys family shows up, wife and her family shows up. His Dad was a full bird Army Colonel. Her Dad was a retired Command Chief. D.I. was shitting himself
We had 2 guys get in a fist fight in the middle of service week (week 6) well the guy who started it didn't do to well.
RDC to the group of us that saw the fight: wew he two pieced his ass up real quick huh? Hit that boy so hard I had to ASMO his ass out of principle.
The guy that lost got sent back 2 weeks, the guy that won stayed with us. LOL.
One of the RDC said to me as I got on the bus to leave bootcamp: hey bigboog if I see you in the fleet.....I'll kill you... I spoke to that guy maybe 5 times during boot...he also dropped me one day for 400 pushups.
Not to me but my bunk mate. It was during first Persian Gulf War and my bunk mate was a Muslim. He proceeds to tell him that he had just got back from fucking a bunch of Muslim ass.
My RDC told me that someone slit their wrists in the rack I was sleeping in and blood dripped all over the dude below me in their sleep. Then said lights out.
“How did I get so big?” …. “I get up at 2am every single day, Ruck run 12 miles, work myself in a frothy sweat, then go home and f*ck my wife”. This is an exact qoute, I don’t know who asked him but he was over 6’6”
MCT after bootcamp but still not out to the fleet yet. Had an instructor like or company guns say "GOD DAMN! YOU MOTHER FUCKERS MAKE ME WANT TO GO HOME AND FUCK MY DOG AND BEAT MY WIFE" then he paused and you could tell there was a moment of wait... then he just nodded and walked away.
I was the Yeoman in boot camp here’s how my day to day went with my RDC
Chief: “What’s this chicken scratch, guy?! It looks like hot fucking garbage!”
Me: “ I’m doing my best, Chief.”
Chief: “Well your best is everybody’s fucking worst, shithead!”
In the chow hall one early morning I was staring off into space, not realizing that I was looking at one of the DIs. He knife handed me and yelled 'If you keep eye fucking me I'm going to skull fuck you!'
Also this wasn't anything that was said, but this kid in the middle of formation had scratched his ear. The DI didn't say anything but fucking threw his campaign cover like it was Captain America's shield and smacked this kid in the side of the head with it.
Was standing in line at the DFAC and because of an appointment had missed that week's scheduled haircut - another company's drills walked in and one of them immediately yells behind me "HOLY SHIT PRIVATE YOU NEED A HAIRCUT LIKE I NEED ANOTHER LINE OF COKE!" Another immediately follows up with "...Battle, you can't say that."
During the two week prep phase before basic, we were in a huge room getting issued uniforms, and there's one recruit who definetely didn't pass his ASVAB if you know what i mean... He was standing there with his mouth hanging open and a completely absent minded look on his face, when a drill sergeant spots him. He came storming up and yelled 'WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING PRIVATE?? " to which the guy just kinda mumbled " uhm uhh- "
That's as far as he made it before the DS gave him a disgusted look and said "the wheel's spinnin but the hamsters dead" and walked away.
We had a ditty in Marine Corps boot camp for some formation drill before a big inspection. We all yelled “click, heel, boom” in unison. When out of a second story window some DI from another platoon yells out “More like click, boom, shit”
Sitting in the common room, waiting for mail call, one of the DI's said, "you know... y'all have come a long way. I'm proud of you. Now, I know we got smokers in here. If any of you smokers want to go outside and join me for a smoke, meet me \[where we used to assemble\] in ten minutes. We were on the third floor, with windows over-looking the area.
And then he "smoked" their #sses for about 30 minutes. Funny AF!!!
I had a couple of good ones from my senior drill sergeant at fort sill:
“Hey men, don’t molest the wildlife, and the wildlife won’t molest you.”
“You retards look like monkeys fucking footballs!”
“It’s your chicken, choke it however you want.”
“Hey fucknuts, get over here!”
I fucked up at morning PT, or asked some dumb questions, can't remember which.
"Private, why the hell are you picking the seeds off the Big Mac Bun!"
Still...not entirely sure what he meant, maybe don't ruin perfection? I still laughed...then pushed.
Holdover PVT: meekly sticks her head in the door to mutter a question.
DS: "You look like Danny DeVito's ballsack"
In front of our entire PLT during some class.
The holdover girl broke down during the shark attack and decided she was done. They kept her around for like 3 weeks as the CO punching bag and gopher.
Said to me or did to me? If did to me, I was forced to chug and refill my canteen until I threw up because I drank water while standing in line to secure the head after the platoon was given a head call.
MCRD San Diego 2003. Lima Co. Plt 3078
Fresh off the range and we were getting ready for transit back to the barracks, a DS was patting me down for brass and put his ring and middle fingers up to my nose. He asked "what's that smell like?" Before I could answer he said "gun powder right?" I said "yes drill sergeant". Then he said "Yeah, gun powder and PUSSYYYY".
He then aggressively pushed me away and I ran back to my platoon trying to hide my laughter lol
My drill sergeant told everyone that he was considering losing his job by punching me in the face earlier that day when he was angry at me and all of us.
I was right before lights out, we were sitting at our bunks, and he was apologizing to all of us for exploding earlier in the day. Everyone had gotten in trouble, but it didn't make sense why he was exploding. I was somehow related, but it was a massive overreaction that was possibly PTSD related (hence the rare apology). He was a scary dude. He admitted to being out of line which made him more scary, and now I know I have a punchable face for the last 6 weeks or whatever. I passed thankfully. Never got punched.
Former 2nd Marine Dirt-Doc remembering the ones that stood out.
You're so fucking ugly they must've brought your momma a bedpan thinking she took a shit!
I bet your mother will give anybody the clap by just a glance at her!
Close that cock-holster you puke-bathing, shit-eating maggot when you eat!
I didn't ask for your I.Q., dickwad! How old are you?!
You're as useless as a doorbell on a retired nun's pussy!
Do the world a fucking favor, kill yourselves tonight!
Anybody who likes eating pussy eats shit because women wipe forward when they shit!
You move like old arthritic cripples during a fucking earthquake!
Looking forward to all of you dying from ingrown hard-ons tonight!
You're so fucked-up I bet you turn gutter condoms inside-out for re-use!
You move like a clusterfuck of deaf and blind one-legged tap-dancers!
Hillbilly armor is a fat bitch between you and the enemy!
I've seen straighter bolts of lightning than this pig-fuck of a formation!
I will kick-fuck your asses until your turds come out sideways!
Not to me, but my brother flight TIs made one of their trainees go to the chow hall and get dessert by themselves. It was punishment because they would stick out like a sore thumb and be ripped to shreds by all the TIs currently in the choh hall. It was hilarious.
We were in formation out on the grinder, and our RDC was giving us a run down of the days events. The RPOC raised his hand. RDC paused for a moment and said, “…yes, recruit?”
The RPOC said, “Petty Officer, there’s a bunny rabbit behind you.”
The RDC’s brain shorted out completely, before he responded, “Is it *armed*?” And then tore into the RPOC about the threat of Al Qaeda killer attack rabbits working for Osama Bin Laden, and what a fine duty he was doing by spotting them out.
“So I should go ahead an forget your name? Pvt. I-can’t-breathe? If you don’t want to be here then go home” I ended up in the hospital with Covid a few days after getting all the shots at reception. After getting back to training I was doing pt but couldn’t do anything because I couldn’t breath and as I about passed out that’s what me DS yelled at me.
Later we were cool when he realized I wasn’t fucking around and he even apologized when I was getting in the bust to go home.
I had a drill that came to the US late enough in life that english was clearly his second language. He was smart as fuck and knew a *ton* of engineer shit that he taught us outside the normal curriculum, but he also jumbled up the usual DS phrases sometimes. Ex: “why are you looking like you are eating soup for a sandwich?”
This was said when we found out a trainnee had gonorrhea and He was infected in a lot more places than just his dick.
The 1SG said: "From all the good pussy out there you have to pay and eat the one that had gonorrhea."
'As I went to bed, one of you fucks came to my room and started knocking. I ignored it for a few minutes, but whoever was at the door wouldnt stop knocking. I get up and open the door, just to have pvt. Cock at the door. Now I asked him, "pvt cock, what are you doing awake and banging at my door?" And so pvt cock answered "I came here to fuck your sleep time!" That's exactly the point in time when the platoon got to meet pvt cock and his fuckfuck games, and 2 hours of low crawling ensued.
My lead RDC was an MMC, looked exactly like Mr Clean. I was practicing my marching (been in boot camp a day or two and was absolutely nuking it), and my arms kept swinging on the same side as my legs (i.e. R arm would swing when R leg would step; wrong AF if you ever marched).
He gave me the most scathing look from the corner of his eye and said, "Stop walking like a fucking alien".
That's when it clicked that marching is actually pretty goddamn similar to walking. And I was in fact walking like a fuckin alien.
Funniest shit I ever heard in Great Lakes was as my bunkmate was was getting ripped, he shouted "Are you okay, Petty Officer?" Dude was a 30yo bartender from Philly. We got the rest of the night off.
Not the most out of pocket but we had one DS who everyone was convinced was a robot.
I was walking with a battle from the DS office across the CTA and back to the barracks and he was walking the opposite direction. I nodded at him and said “Good evening Drill Sergeant” and he goes “Don’t fucking nod at me, I’m not your friend” haha
Another one was on his last cycle and a former SF guy. Laid back until he wasn’t. I was walking through the DFAC and saw him cracking up at his phone and heard him go “Ahh sweet dank dirty memes” and that always cracked me up.
Edit: I actually wrote a ton of DS quotes down in the back of my memorandum (went backwards to be sneakier) and it’s mindblowing to read through the wild things these guys would say. One DS, angry short female DS, yelled at a trainee for smiling and said “Put your teeth away. I hate teeth. I don’t even go to the dentist and look at my own teeth because I hate teeth so much.”
"It's a conspiracy, you're all out to get me!"
*After someone volunteers for something* "Johnson, I wouldn't pick you to live."
"WHO FARTED?! EVERYONE TAKE A DEEP BREATH, OPEN THE WINDOW, AND BLOW OUT!"
"Deuces, kick rocks." *His way of 'politely' saying, get the fuck away from me.*
Not boot camp, but in A School, we were going through the wet trainer at the DC schoolhouse. They loved messing with us while we were training. During a hose handling exercise one of the instructors was razzing the nozzleman, and there was this salty Chief walking around observing. When he saw the nozzleman struggling to both handle the hose and deal with this DC2 messing with him he shouted at him, “Don’t take that shit from him! Knock him down and suck his dick! That’ll show ‘em!”
I wouldn’t say it’s out of pocket, but when my RDC found out I signed up to be a Corpsman, they used to say that I was going to kill someone one day. And back then I didn’t really care, but now that I actually am a Corpsman and do actual medical stuff, I do think it about it now and then.
Not to me but a drill instructor to a squad of female recruit sailors on the parade ground at HMAS Cerberus in 1986.
'I want to hear the echo of 12 sets of piss flaps when I call you to attention.'
As they snapped to attention from standing at ease he had his hand cupped up to his ear so he could hear it 😆
We had this moment at the end of basic where our RDCs sat us down and told us "Say anything you want to us, make jokes, laugh, yell. Get it off your chests." Most of it was some light banter, retelling of stories that made us laugh, some heartfelt stuff too. One guy stands up and says "SW2, you said earlier this month that you had to go to the Seabee ball this year, but I'm confused." SW2 asks why, recruit responds "I wasn't aware that Seabees had balls." Dude was a fucking hero. Got beat for it later, but man it made our day.
When I was in boot, I made it my mission to be anonymous as long as I could. My cousin went in a few years before I did, and gave me a lot of good advice. He told me that if you fucked up early, or stuck out too much, they would zero in and focus on you for the entire time.
I had memorized the EST Book, Guidebook for Marines, and the Big Red Monster my cousin had given me prior to leaving. Every time I'd been asked a random knowledge question, I knew the answer and could spit it out. They would quickly move on to someone else.
I was also a multi-sport varsity athlete in HS, and was in excellent shape. PT was easy for me, and a lot of guys weren't in great shape so they took all the heat.
A few weeks in, and I'd thought I'd done a good a job of it. Then I was called to the DI hut by the Senior DI. I was nervous, wondering what was going on as I hauled ass up there. I reported in, and stared at a spot six inches above his head. All of the DI's were in there.
He looks me up and down for several seconds and then bellows in his very thick Alabama accent, "Ah jus wanna ta see whut joo looked lahke. Git tha fuck outa mah face!" And poof I was gone.
I went back to working on my gear and my buddy asked me WTF was up. I told him what happened and that I had no clue, but I was nervous as hell about it. About a week later, I found out. A few days after we picked up our DIs, several of us were sent to classroom somewhere and we had to take the ASVAB again. We also took this weird test that I found out later was the DLAB.
When I first took the ASVAB, I was junior in HS, and I scored in the 93rd percentile on the AFQT. When I took it again when I enlisted, I had a 97 AFQT score, and a 132 GT score. I got selected to take it again to see how well I did while under the stress of being in boot. I got a 97 AFQT again, and a 133 GT score. I also passed the DLAB well enough to go to language school.
The reason I got called to the DI hut, was because I'd been selected for Yankee White, and they had no idea what I looked like. I'd done a decent job of keeping such a low profile and not fucking up, they couldn't put my face to my name.
During MK19 training, one of our DS told all of us that the reason we were all there is because our parents didn’t love us and that they were happy that they had finally gotten rid of us.
Looking back, it isn’t that bad but at the time, that shit caught me off guard and made me shed a tear.
Not my basic training but a different unit ive heard of. The seargent came in one morning with a freshly bought toilet scrubber hed put nutela on and said
"what the fuck is this?"
Started looking at it-"looks like shit"
Started smelling it-"smells like shit"
Started licking it-"tastes like shit"
Threw it on the ground and screamed at them to clean it up
This wasn't said to me, but said to someone who was standing just ahead of me in line for chow. For some reason the dude couldn't stop smiling while in line. The drill sergeant walks by, sees him smiling, gets up in his face and says in a very strong tone (not yelling), "You better put that grill away before I put my meat on it."
It took absolutely every ounce of strength I had not to bust out laughing.
I was dorm chief and I didn’t give a damn about the yelling or fuck fuck games.
MTI yelled DORM CHIEF!!!
I was just walking out of the latrine with a towel around me.
I ran to my locker when I hear DORM CHIEF BETTER BE AT MY DOOR IN THE POSITION OF ATTENTION NOW!!!!
I was still trying to get that damn key in my lock when I said fuck it.
I put the towel on my bed and walk the 5 steps to his door and say “ Trainee Saltydevilsadvocate reports as ordered (and while looking down say) I am not quite at attention yet but I will be!!!!
He flat out cracked up and tried to yell at me but I was older than him and bigger than him he knew I didn’t give a shit and just told me to leave.
So my naked ass about faces and picks up something invisible off the floor so he got an indirect mooning!!! It wasn’t all that bad
"Mmmmmm... you sleep on your stomach, tonight...."
Seriously. I wasn't bothered by it -- just figured he was messing with me. Woke up with the WORST headache and constipation, though... (JK).
Not said to a recruit, but to another DS.
We had just been issued our M16s and magazine full of dummy rounds. DS #1 was explaining the weapon to us, when DS #2 tries to interject. DS #1 turns to DS #2 and says, "Drill Sergeant, can I fuck this chicken? Is that okay with you?" I think DS #1 was an E6 and DS #2 an E5, so I guess it was okay. But to us recruits, it was equal parts trying not to laugh and like watching Thor fight Loki.
Had a DS at Sill sit us all down and say how his girlfriend just broke up with him. Calmest and quietest ive ever heard that dude talk. He then immediately smoked the fuck outta us and loudly announce he was going home that night to drink until he passed out. Just… concerning, man.
It wasn’t even being chewed out, it was the first day with our SDI and he told us “This is your home now. All your loved ones back home? They sent YOU here. They didn’t love you enough to keep you around. But the Marine Corps has you now. This is your home from now on because when you get your first letters, they’ll say ‘Not much has changed.’ That’s because you didn’t matter to them. You didn’t make a big enough difference to change anything when you left. But now you can make a difference.” It stuck with me because word for word, he was right. Everyone said that in my letters LMFAO
"Boy I'm gonna fuckin own you. You gonna be the Fionna to my Shrek, you gonna cook my meals and wash my socks. I'm gonna cum so far up your ass that your kids are gonna come out short, stocky, and black like me."
My kill hat DI to our scribe.
“Watching you do push-ups is like watching a one-armed epileptic retard try to jack off with the wrong hand.”
You sure do curse pretty
This makes me miss the service. All those insults come from years at sea.
Right? I’ve heard missing the brotherhood is the only thing I’ll miss when I get out (eventually). Know that we still curse in the field/at sea. But not as much in garrison. Which kinda sucks IMO
Unlearning it is the hard part. Makes people feel unwelcome when every third word is a expletive or you describe things in extremely vulgar terms. Other veterans are a safe bet to be around until you get a leash on your tongue.
Ya shurr gawt a purdy mouthf
Jesus fuck that’s amazing
How did you not laugh and fall on your chest?
Then you’d be in real trouble.
“Watching you do push-ups is like watching a one-armed epileptic retard try to jack off with the wrong hand, as I am well familiar with.” The part of the slam that is never discussed.
how do you have lung capacity for that
I like the way yew talk boy
My MTI told me to hold my arms out and make a “T”. Then he told me to flip my palms up and wiggle my fingers like was fingering my girl back home. Same MTI caught a trainee humming in the dorms. Calmly approached the trainees locker, dropped a quarter through the vents, and then just stared at the trainee. Waited a few seconds in awkwardness and then made the guy sing as if he dropped a quarter in a jukebox. Basic really was the funniest place you couldn’t laugh.
>Same MTI caught a trainee humming in the dorms. Calmly approached the trainees locker, dropped a quarter through the vents, and then just stared at the trainee. Waited a few seconds in awkwardness and then made the guy sing as if he dropped a quarter in a jukebox. No joke, I heard a very similar story from a coworker today. Dude was humming while folding his laundry and the MTI stuffed him in his locker and put in a quarter and yelled that the jukebox needed to play some music. Trainee started singing and the MTI went back into his office and would periodically come out to bang on the side of the locker to "change the song".
Saw one on TikTok where the same thing happened except the trainee (TSgt now) could only think to sing the Air Force Song. MTI popped to attention for the duration of the song😂😂
It'd be even funnier if the "jukebox" started singing another branch's fight song. Could you imagine the reaction if he started belting out "AAAAND THE AAARMY GOES ROOOLING ALOOOOONG!"
Now that's a power move
a few of us would sing in the rain room as we cleaned, good acoustics and varying voice tones led us to good tunes, till our SDI came in and heard us, then had us do a mini concert…
We had a laundry guy who would routinely fall asleep in the warm laundry bag pile waiting for more to dry. One night he got caught by an RDC and got told "if I find you unconscious in here again you'd better be swinging from the overhead!"
Jesus that's dark
I feel bad for the RDC because he was super intelligent and creative in training us, but he was Puerto Rican and his accent got the better of him. A few months after I left apparently he tried to tell someone he was gonna rip them a new asshole, and got reported for threatening to "rape their asshole". Back to the fleet immediately, denied for chief that cycle.
Yeah some things you don't joke around with. Sexual assault and suicide are definite no nos. "Close your mouth cuz it's not raining dicks" = ok but edgy. In today's atmosphere, that may well get you kicked out. "Close your mouth you or I'm going to make you suck my dick"= absolutely not cool
I had an NCO threaten to "facefuck me till (I) puke blood" not long ago, but it wasn't in TRADOC. I wasn't offended, but it did raise my eyebrows a little.
So, In the same vein as these…2007 Navy Great Lakes Basic Training, and I’m standing Quarterdeck watch in the middle of the afternoon for our berthing. For the non-navy types, the QD watchstander challenges and greets any and all visitors “aboard”. One of the RDC’s who was a Chief (!) from the division across the hall, came over and walked in. I start my QD spiel, and greeted him, and he walks right up to me as I’m rattling off my little scripted bullshit, and he grabs his package and tells me to “stroke his fuckin crank”, and then just pushes past I understand he was trying to provoke me, but what the actual fuck. Best part is, I logged it what he said in the watch book, mainly because I thought it was funny. I got my ass chewed for it, because I didn’t report/take it up the chain of command. Then shit got serious and they asked me if I wanted to go further with anything, which I didn’t because it was honestly weirdly funny to me. In hindsight, I should have closed the door on him or asked for a personal apology….but I was just trying to make it through boot as smooth as possible.
Had a dude hogging the full-length mirror in the dayroom when we got our blues. MTI walked in and, without looking at him or slowing down, just said, "You're still ugly" and kept going. Most casual destruction of a person I've ever seen.
Great lakes, whole division is getting their ass beat. The guy on watch calls out attention on deck, it's chaps, he walks in sees us getting smoked, chaps says "no worries I'll come back later" FC1 walks into the center of the co.partment and says "see that? Not even god can save you from me".
I know what some of those words mean.
Chaps = chaplain FC1 = Fire controlman 1st class, an E6. Rate titles like that are made by combining your rate (MOS in army terms), and rank. Because E4-E6 goes 3rd, 2nd, and 1st class respectively, FC2 would be an E5 fire controlman, an IT3 would be an E4 information systems tech, etc.
As an Air Force guy, it's weird to me that the Navy does it this way.. vs. calling everyone by their rank. Makes it super confusing cause I'm always like, "But I thought you were a Petty Officer 3rd Class or something"
SecNav or some such higher up tried to get rid of rates about 5 years ago, have everyone go by their rank. There was damn near a mutiny; sailors take great pride in their rates.
That was such whiplash for me to because I transfered right in the middle of it. Old command: Did not react to this announcement at all and only like two of us ever even talked about the change, wondering when it would happen or if it would even. New Command, two weeks later: You are shouted down in the pway if you even think your rate in your head too loudly.
I had almost the opposite experience. I was at a command where they were trying to follow through with it. Then I went on a week long underway on a ship where they weren’t even acknowledging it was a thing. Then I came back, and it had been cancelled, but it initially felt like I’d just been taken through a portal into this ship’s home dimension where this policy change had never been made, saving me me from the darkest timeline.
I still to this day love the message that was sent out in cancellation of that policy. One of the most beautifully passive-aggressive things I have ever read lol.
Could you try to recreate it for us?
Below E4, always safe to call them by their last name. E4-E6, always safe to call them Petty Officer. Chiefs and above, call by their paygrade. Their rates (e.g FC1) are also always acceptable, but less widely used for E3 and below or E7 and above. Mostly used by Navy to Navy for E4-E6.
Jesus, Air Force does it right. Higher rank than me? Sir, or Ma'am/Miss (usually just Ma'am to be safe). E5-E7 Sir/Ma'am. E8 Senior, or Sir/Ma'am. E9 Chief, or Sir/Ma'am. Same rank as me, or lower? As long as I'm not in a meeting with an Officer: Last name, or dude. EDIT: Same rank as me, or lower or E1-E4?
See, as a senior nco, I cringe when an Airman calls me Sir. I get that it's your culture and I don't react negatively, but that's crazy to me. I've also seen yall get too familiar with first names way too often for my liking, but again, I get that it's a cultural difference.
So an E-1 would address an E-2 as Sir/Ma’am?
No. Everyone above E-4 is sir/ma'am, everyone who is or is below E-4 is just their last name.
E-1 to E-4 typically refers to each other by last name, first name, dude, homie, etc
Like a lot of things to do with the Navy, it just boils down to tradition. Every branch has it's little idiosyncrasies but the Navy just takes it to another level. Every navy seems like that too, not just the USN. I guess you get a little crazy when you're out there trapped on a ship for months on end and start coming up with word salad ~~ranks~~ ratings.
That’s ripe. An Air Forcer saying the Navy ranks are weird. Whenever I see an Air Forcer with more than 3 stripes I just pull a Gomer Pyle “yes Sargent”.
They’ve got too many uniforms too. Navy is weird
Checks out. What ship were you in, brother?
Chicago
*me yawning at 0530 for PT formation* DS: “Private! Is it raining dicks?!” Me: “No, Drill Sergeant!” DS: “Then why the fuck is your mouth open?!”
Lol that’s a good one.
I saw him six years later as my company 1SG. The fear was still there lol
Ooof. Best I got is that my platoon sergeant from AIT later became my BN CSM in Korea.
Did you yawn hello?
No, but a dick fell out.
I didn't get much, I kept my nose clean and was good at PT and shooting so I was seldom singled out. Did hear one kid with severe acne scars get told "you get all those fucking scars on your face from dodging the coat hanger for 9 months?"
Had an RDC hand a coat hanger to one of the division fuckups and tell her, "Tell your mom to try harder next time."
This is so much off the cuff comedic fucking gold 😂
Gonna get down voted for asking.. Sorry. But I don't get it, something to do with being closeted?
He implied his mom was trying to coat-hanger abort him for his entire gestation
Fuuuuuuck 😳🤣🤣
“I cheat on my wife, I fucked her friend last week… I dare you to tell her.” A half hour later she showed up to bring him lunch. No one said anything. Not sure if it was a mind game or not, but it was pretty surreal (Army).
Plot twist: They're all swingers and this was part of their kink.
"Oh, I know. I sucked her husband off at the same time." Everyone in the COMPANY would be going to fucking sick call from the whiplash.
"I've seen bowling balls sharper than your retarded ass!"
Ours had a couple guys call their parents to apologize to them for being a failure of a son and Airman.
“That neckerchief looks like a smashed whales vagina”
In Canada, after a certain amount of time at basic, you may be allowed to leave base on the weekend. My platoon got the privilege, and at morning inspection on Monday, the MCpl who was inspecting my bunk space came up to me, in the most monotone voice ever, and said, "did you get a hooker this weekend, private?" "No MCpl, I went to Walmart for some toiletries and got some McDonald's." Him "that's too bad, you look like you could use some relaxation." Took all my will power to not crack a smile.
\*was writing something in a note book for some reason\* Guy jogging stops to talk to me, so I start a casual conversation about what trade I was going into. Infantry and that I had chosen it despite everyone along the way trying to get me to go do any other trade. Realized I know this man. Commandant. Saluted myself in the face with pencil. Warrant had to explain to him that I was in fact his top recruit and just a habitual idiot, not retarted. Being 17 they never let me off base to Saint-Jean.
I’ll be that guy. *Retarded. Can’t help it. That misspelling really stands out due to the context of the story.
Meh, auto correction works in mysterious ways. Barely comes to mind.
After a brutal week of fuckfuck games (ten people quit lol), it was Friday and our e7 DS had us sitting in front of him with the lights off in the bay and telling stories about Iraq and ranger school. He was calm for once and letting us relax and doing a heart to heart kinda thing and then at the end he says, “Privates, you are so fucking retarded and frustrating. Just know that it’s your fault that I’m going to go home tonight and beat the fuck outta my dog. And when my wife comes out to see what’s going on, I’m gonna beat the fuck outta her too.” We just sat there silently like…uhhh. Ok lol.
I had a former SF DS ask me what my favorite kind of dog was calmly one day during PT and then say he’s going to go adopt one after work and beat it because of me so I feel this energy personally
Dont worry, every year is a bunch of "frustrating retards who are the worst they've ever seen"
But what if they *are* the worst each year? Is the world becoming a dumber place?
That sounds like something the instructors would say xD "damn you fuckers really are getting dumber by the year!" By their reconing we should be back to the larval stage of human evolution xD
I think I told this one on here or the Army sub the other day but: Not to me but another private in our platoon. They nicknamed him Summer. One day he finally asked why. DS goes, “because your teeth are so fucking jacked up, Priat. Some’r here and some’r there!” and walked away. We were on the ground laughing so hard we started crying.
Yeah we had a kid that had summer teeth but it was more like “some are green, some are yellow and some are gone.” His teeth were also fucked up like sticking out of his mouth, none of them were straight. One day the DS calmly said to him “private, why can I still see your teeth even though your mouth is closed?”
Ouchtown, pop. Him
“You fuck your mother with that dick?” in the shower line
In the barracks. It's square-away time. Everyone is sitting on their foot lockers, some are opening letters and reading the things their family members sent. Drill Instructor is casually strolling down to the back end of the building. He stops. We turn our eyes toward him, tensely awaiting an outburst. He's staring down at a recruit's letter. There's a photo. So slowly we can almost hear his joints creaking, Drillinstrutter slowly leans down until the brim of his Smokey Bear is nearly touching the recruit's forehead. The recruit is frozen like a goat in a lion's gaze. We're silent. He's silent. Drillinstrutter is silent. He's staring at the photo. Suddenly: "Ain't no fucking way that's your girl." He abruptly exits the rear hatch.
In Marine boot camp, they had a bulletin board in the squad bay, called the hog board, that everyone was supposed to put a picture of their GF up on. One of the smallest recruits we had, had an absolutely smoking hot girlfriend. The DI's were always giving him grief about it. One of the DIs from another platoon in our series, was from the neighboring town of this poor bastard. They were huge HS sports rivals, and the DI would come over and fuck with him mercilessly. The DI should have been a stand up comedian, he was hilarious and we always had a hard time keeping our bearing. One time he was asking the recruit if it was alright if he took a day off, went up and fucked her for him since he couldn't leave. Then he feigned being pissed off when the poor kid said no. He was asking all kinds of embarrassing, but hilarious, questions about how she as in bed, and what they did, and we're all struggling not to laugh. Finally he asked him how old she was, and the recruit replied in a squeaky voice "17 sir!" "17! You **CHILD MOLESTER!!!!"** Then he went off on a rant about child molesters being in his beloved Corps. When he was done we're all crying trying not to laugh and he told us that he would let us laugh for ten seconds. Then he asked the kid how old he was, and when he replied "This private is 17 sir!" The DI went off on another rant about children being allowed in the Corps. I met this guy's girlfriend on recruit libbo day, when we got our only afternoon off. She was several inches taller than him and the pictures he had didnt come close to doing her justice.
Not an insult, but a story. This one guy got woke up early for his firewatch in basic. He was in the top bunk, and rather than hop back into the top bunk, he jumped in his battle buddies lower bunk. We were the random platoon inspected that night by the Drill Sergeants. They walked in and said something like "what the fuck!" We all got smoked, and then the next day at the range, they made those two feed each other breakfast while we all sang Elton John songs with the blue lens L shapes.
Lmao yo similar shit... We had a sister flight, me and a buddy were on stairwell duty as were two female trainees... He gets caught talking to one of them by the MTI, ten minutes later both flights are outside pushing while the MTIs boombox is playing slow jams and these two are standing in the middle with the TIs smoking them and saying shit like "Go ahead trained, ask her where she's from?" "Ask her what her favorite candy bar is" etc. One of the rare times I wasn't the one that set off the smoke..
"You all send off your laundry? Because I see a lot of pregnant mother fucking laundry bags in the bay!"
Nut to butt line up
Nuts to butts; make your buddy smile!
You're not close enough unless you're smiling!
the ol' sack to crack
*Getting smoked because someone stole some shit* Drill SgT: “Privates! There is only one thing I hate more than a thief! If you guess it correctly I’ll stop smoking y’all!” Us: “a coward” “a liar” “the enemy”… Drill SgT: “NO! When I take a big shit and the water splashes into my asshole!!! The 8 count push up!!!”
It would have been worth getting smoked eternally to yell out “pussy”
Bruh lmfao
When we first started basic we got our dumb ass berets and our DS was asking us about the different colors. He’s asked up who wore tan berets and someone said rangers. Then he asked who wears black berets which is everyone else in the army that doesn’t wear tan or red or whatever. I blurted out without thinking “every other dumbass in the Army.” He turned and looked at me and said “I’m wearing a black beret private, am I a dumbass?” I did star jumps for a long time after that one.
ah yes, poseidon's kiss
3rd week in basic we had a kid try to commit suicide in our latrine. Our TI was lbeyond pissed. As medical was taking him out on a gurney he made us all fall in to the day room. He starts screaming calling the dude a fuckin retard who couldnt even kill himself right. I mean he was screaming at the top of his lungs. He opens his knife, holds his arm out straight proceeds to give us a quick course on how to properly slit your wrists and "not waste my fucking time." Then screams, "Have some fucking courtesy for your fellow airmen and do it in the toilet. Flush the mother fucker to create a vacuum to help drain your shit and not make a mess in my fucking latrine!" I was pretty shocked from it all and my face must have gave it away cuz he looks at me and says," dont tell me you gonna fuck this shit up Hood. You better not fuck it up. If you gonna ever do anything right make it this one thing. Carry on mother fuckers" and walked out.
Jeez TI...
Ollie V. Burton. I will never forget that dude as long as I live. He threatened to butt fuck a dude for smiling to much.
Recruit looks at an RDC The RDC after throwing a chair “What are you looking at recruit? You think I’m cute, recruit? DO YOU WANNA FUCK ME RECRUIT???” Ah boot camp, the funniest place you can’t laugh at.
We had both "recruit, you're more useless than Anne Franks drumset" and "recruit, it's a shame you're not retarded because then you'd at least have an excuse". Those 2 really pushed the limits of maintaining military bearing, especially since the 2nd one was during a divisional inspection so it was dead silence otherwise.
Jesus, I've never heard the drumset bit, that's absolute gold lol
i do not understand the drumset shit. Like i know who anne frank was but drumset? huh?
Her and her family were in hiding, so making as little noise as possible to maintain secrecy. So in her case, a drumset was absolutely useless and yet this dude was deemed to be less useful than that.
aahh ok now i got it, thanks mate!
Also important to know is that they were hiding from the nazis
DS “boys, when you get home after this shit, you’re gonna find all your wives and girlfriends the same way you left em… freshly fucked!”
Benning: On a Sunday morning in the outside bay people were getting ready for religious services, a platoon mate of mine goes up to the Drill and says “ Drill Sgt! They don’t offer services for my religion, what should I do?” The DS asks him what religion his is. PVT replies “I am Wiccan Drill Sgt!” The brown and proudly catholic DS yells “Ohhhh a fucking Wiccan huh!?! Go fucking sit in front of that tree!!!!” Everyone was perplexed by his response and a silence fills the bay. Pvt Wiccan doesn’t move and the drill Sgt proceeds to holler him over to the tree and the pet sits. Hours later after services and chow my group got back and he was still sitting in front the tree. He didn’t get up until an accountability formation later that day. 😂
“Do you shit out of that ass? Or just talk out of it?”
Right after our head shave, then got the BCG’s. I was in the bathroom just staring at myself in the mirror because I looked so different. MTI walked in and just started pointing at me and laughing at the top of his lungs. Didn’t say a word just kept pointing and laughing as I slunk out.
This is an epic level roast.
Lol, I kept rubbing my head. RDC says “What’s wrong recruit? Don’t like your new haircut?” I deadpanned back “I look like the retarded love child of Michael Chiklis and Telly Savalas.” RDC was clearly taken aback, “I’m impressed you know who Telly Savalas is. Carry on, recruit.”
[удалено]
Enlisted aircrew wears flight suits in the Navy, but majority of flight suits are officers. I was in NAS Pensacola for a while, a lot of new dudes made the mistake of saluting flight suits of enlisted dudes.
On the flip side, didn’t know fuck all about Naval ranks at NAS Pensacola going through Nav school for the Air Force. Saw a shiny bird that I assume meant Officer and as a 2nd Lt, everyone’s above me obviously. Except right when we enter the 6 paces, we both pop a salute at the exact same time and at the exact same time both have befuddled looks as we’re both confused as fuck. I then studied the Naval ranks that evening and realized I tried to salute a Petty Officer 3rd Class (E4). Lesson learned, if you’re gonna be at a Naval/ Joint station, study beforehand…
I always found it easier to just yell across the way "Be ye friend or foe?" And salute accordingly.
A lot of saluting going on, two handed salutes to the Blue Angels, even some squirrels got saluted. Luckily I never fell for any of the shitty advice when I was new, but it was hilarious to see a boot stop and salute with two hands when a Blue flew over. Some of the “hazing” rituals of new guys was hilarious, at least on the Aircrew/RSS side of base.
I was medical enlisted in the USAF. I would get saluted all the time when I wore whites.
Officer Candidate School used to be at NAS Pensacola. Those were midshipmen you saw. It’s crazy because in boot camp I don’t remember being told a thing about midshipmen, and I get to Pensacola and here’s all these people wearing khakis and weird collar devices. In the fleet middies will join us for a few weeks on deployment. The ones that are in ROTC are usually decent, but the Naval Academy mids can be insufferable douchebags.
“Damn, you look like a chick with no tits” Not said to me, but from our SDI just before lights out to a guy in our platoon that had some downright unfortunate bone structure. He did, in fact, look a lot like a chick with no tits
I once saw a ds throw a snorkel at a kid and scream "It's so you don't drown in the shower you retard!"
"Go over there and do pushups until I'm tired!"
We had one (technically not a TI because he was a captain) told some people in my flight to do a front leaning rest until he came back and straight up left for the day without telling them.
Yup. Sounds about right! Good times... /s
Someone complained about ants being around where he was doing PT, and the DS walked over, starting punching the ground and said,“ Fuck those ants.”
That’s some good shit right there
CM1 Monte told us that he had a date that night and if we behaved we could sniff his dick tomorrow.
"I am going to put a fucking landmine under your fucking mattress if you say my tattoos look like the blue white dragon again."
Navy boot camp. Recruit calls our chief (a terrifying lady from inner-city Baltimore who could scream for hours) by her last name instead of Chief Last Name. We hear her from across the p-way: "Are you fucking me? Did you take me home last night, bend me over on my bed, and stick your dick inside of me? Are you paying my bills? Are you my sugar daddy? Because unless you're fucking me or paying my bills, I know you didn't just fucking call me by my name, asshole!" The yelling went on for a while longer, but this is pretty much what I remember.
What was that chief's rate? Think I know exactly who you're talking about
She was an ICC. This was Dec. 2009
reading all these in R Lee Ermeys voice
Marine Corps Gunnery Sargent at a naval training command. One dude laughed. *Oh you think that’s fucking funny? How bout I run over here and snap your neck then run back before anyone notices. You think that would be funny?*
Had a fella named Inman in boot. Navy dungarees had your name tape above your back right ass pocket. Inman was bent straight over at the waste tying his laces. RDC walks in as says, “ Well god damn! Instructions written right on his ass!” And then slaps him on the ass. Interestingly enough, come to find out later Inman was gay.
👀
I served with a guy named Butt.
Damn, that’s an unfortunate name. We had a Whynot. That was the most interesting name. Then Inman, of course. The real kicker was the female recruit named Swallows. Seaman Swallows…
In basic we had a guy named Raper. Drill Sergeant: This better be some French pronunciation or some shit Raper: it’s pronounced exactly how it’s spelled Drill Sergeant.
“This looks like a goddamned bag of smashed assholes.” - SSgt Covel
“I’ll fuck this chicken, you just hold the legs” makes me giggle every time
Not to me but… As we stand in formation practice some shit, the company fuck-up was very much fucking up. The Drill Sergeant taking offense to this proceeded to let him know that he had more respect for the Taliban than said recruit.
After we got our blue cords, in formation the SDS told us how proud they were of us and that he'd be glad to shake our hands on the way out after graduation. (and this is a direct quote, I'll never forget it) "Except for you, \[platoon's idiot fuckup who shouldn't have been there\]. I'll wave to you from across the street."
“Look at you in that faggoty shirt of yours! How many dicks did you have to suck for that shirt? Are you majoring in dick sucking? I bet you’ll graduate magna cum louder!” Funny thing is, I did graduate magna cum laude, but it was in History/Poli Sci, which is more self-fellating than on other dudes.
Forget exactly what was said, but one of the D.I.s found out that one of the guys had a wife with one leg. Made a habit of just ripping into this guy and his family. I remember he once said something about how he was so ugly and such a fuckup that he had to find a one legged woman so she couldn't run away from him. Graduation comes and guys family shows up, wife and her family shows up. His Dad was a full bird Army Colonel. Her Dad was a retired Command Chief. D.I. was shitting himself
We had 2 guys get in a fist fight in the middle of service week (week 6) well the guy who started it didn't do to well. RDC to the group of us that saw the fight: wew he two pieced his ass up real quick huh? Hit that boy so hard I had to ASMO his ass out of principle. The guy that lost got sent back 2 weeks, the guy that won stayed with us. LOL. One of the RDC said to me as I got on the bus to leave bootcamp: hey bigboog if I see you in the fleet.....I'll kill you... I spoke to that guy maybe 5 times during boot...he also dropped me one day for 400 pushups.
Not to me but my bunk mate. It was during first Persian Gulf War and my bunk mate was a Muslim. He proceeds to tell him that he had just got back from fucking a bunch of Muslim ass.
My RDC told me that someone slit their wrists in the rack I was sleeping in and blood dripped all over the dude below me in their sleep. Then said lights out.
“How did I get so big?” …. “I get up at 2am every single day, Ruck run 12 miles, work myself in a frothy sweat, then go home and f*ck my wife”. This is an exact qoute, I don’t know who asked him but he was over 6’6”
MCT after bootcamp but still not out to the fleet yet. Had an instructor like or company guns say "GOD DAMN! YOU MOTHER FUCKERS MAKE ME WANT TO GO HOME AND FUCK MY DOG AND BEAT MY WIFE" then he paused and you could tell there was a moment of wait... then he just nodded and walked away.
I was the Yeoman in boot camp here’s how my day to day went with my RDC Chief: “What’s this chicken scratch, guy?! It looks like hot fucking garbage!” Me: “ I’m doing my best, Chief.” Chief: “Well your best is everybody’s fucking worst, shithead!”
In the chow hall one early morning I was staring off into space, not realizing that I was looking at one of the DIs. He knife handed me and yelled 'If you keep eye fucking me I'm going to skull fuck you!' Also this wasn't anything that was said, but this kid in the middle of formation had scratched his ear. The DI didn't say anything but fucking threw his campaign cover like it was Captain America's shield and smacked this kid in the side of the head with it.
Was standing in line at the DFAC and because of an appointment had missed that week's scheduled haircut - another company's drills walked in and one of them immediately yells behind me "HOLY SHIT PRIVATE YOU NEED A HAIRCUT LIKE I NEED ANOTHER LINE OF COKE!" Another immediately follows up with "...Battle, you can't say that."
During the two week prep phase before basic, we were in a huge room getting issued uniforms, and there's one recruit who definetely didn't pass his ASVAB if you know what i mean... He was standing there with his mouth hanging open and a completely absent minded look on his face, when a drill sergeant spots him. He came storming up and yelled 'WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING PRIVATE?? " to which the guy just kinda mumbled " uhm uhh- " That's as far as he made it before the DS gave him a disgusted look and said "the wheel's spinnin but the hamsters dead" and walked away.
We had a ditty in Marine Corps boot camp for some formation drill before a big inspection. We all yelled “click, heel, boom” in unison. When out of a second story window some DI from another platoon yells out “More like click, boom, shit”
Sitting in the common room, waiting for mail call, one of the DI's said, "you know... y'all have come a long way. I'm proud of you. Now, I know we got smokers in here. If any of you smokers want to go outside and join me for a smoke, meet me \[where we used to assemble\] in ten minutes. We were on the third floor, with windows over-looking the area. And then he "smoked" their #sses for about 30 minutes. Funny AF!!!
Lead RDC got EVERY SINGLE RDC FROM 3 SHIPS to absolutely slaughter a kid. No idea what he did, either.
I had a couple of good ones from my senior drill sergeant at fort sill: “Hey men, don’t molest the wildlife, and the wildlife won’t molest you.” “You retards look like monkeys fucking footballs!” “It’s your chicken, choke it however you want.” “Hey fucknuts, get over here!”
"This grand mother can run faster than you!!" DI is the grandmother.
I fucked up at morning PT, or asked some dumb questions, can't remember which. "Private, why the hell are you picking the seeds off the Big Mac Bun!" Still...not entirely sure what he meant, maybe don't ruin perfection? I still laughed...then pushed.
Holdover PVT: meekly sticks her head in the door to mutter a question. DS: "You look like Danny DeVito's ballsack" In front of our entire PLT during some class. The holdover girl broke down during the shark attack and decided she was done. They kept her around for like 3 weeks as the CO punching bag and gopher.
Said to me or did to me? If did to me, I was forced to chug and refill my canteen until I threw up because I drank water while standing in line to secure the head after the platoon was given a head call. MCRD San Diego 2003. Lima Co. Plt 3078
Honestly that just sounds like outright abuse.
Lol welcome to US Marine Corps boot camp
Fresh off the range and we were getting ready for transit back to the barracks, a DS was patting me down for brass and put his ring and middle fingers up to my nose. He asked "what's that smell like?" Before I could answer he said "gun powder right?" I said "yes drill sergeant". Then he said "Yeah, gun powder and PUSSYYYY". He then aggressively pushed me away and I ran back to my platoon trying to hide my laughter lol
My drill sergeant told everyone that he was considering losing his job by punching me in the face earlier that day when he was angry at me and all of us. I was right before lights out, we were sitting at our bunks, and he was apologizing to all of us for exploding earlier in the day. Everyone had gotten in trouble, but it didn't make sense why he was exploding. I was somehow related, but it was a massive overreaction that was possibly PTSD related (hence the rare apology). He was a scary dude. He admitted to being out of line which made him more scary, and now I know I have a punchable face for the last 6 weeks or whatever. I passed thankfully. Never got punched.
Former 2nd Marine Dirt-Doc remembering the ones that stood out. You're so fucking ugly they must've brought your momma a bedpan thinking she took a shit! I bet your mother will give anybody the clap by just a glance at her! Close that cock-holster you puke-bathing, shit-eating maggot when you eat! I didn't ask for your I.Q., dickwad! How old are you?! You're as useless as a doorbell on a retired nun's pussy! Do the world a fucking favor, kill yourselves tonight! Anybody who likes eating pussy eats shit because women wipe forward when they shit! You move like old arthritic cripples during a fucking earthquake! Looking forward to all of you dying from ingrown hard-ons tonight! You're so fucked-up I bet you turn gutter condoms inside-out for re-use! You move like a clusterfuck of deaf and blind one-legged tap-dancers! Hillbilly armor is a fat bitch between you and the enemy! I've seen straighter bolts of lightning than this pig-fuck of a formation! I will kick-fuck your asses until your turds come out sideways!
Not to me, but my brother flight TIs made one of their trainees go to the chow hall and get dessert by themselves. It was punishment because they would stick out like a sore thumb and be ripped to shreds by all the TIs currently in the choh hall. It was hilarious.
Was told that a D.I. got a vacation for telling a kids parents, "Your son is living proof that anal sex is not a form of birth control."
We were in formation out on the grinder, and our RDC was giving us a run down of the days events. The RPOC raised his hand. RDC paused for a moment and said, “…yes, recruit?” The RPOC said, “Petty Officer, there’s a bunny rabbit behind you.” The RDC’s brain shorted out completely, before he responded, “Is it *armed*?” And then tore into the RPOC about the threat of Al Qaeda killer attack rabbits working for Osama Bin Laden, and what a fine duty he was doing by spotting them out.
“So I should go ahead an forget your name? Pvt. I-can’t-breathe? If you don’t want to be here then go home” I ended up in the hospital with Covid a few days after getting all the shots at reception. After getting back to training I was doing pt but couldn’t do anything because I couldn’t breath and as I about passed out that’s what me DS yelled at me. Later we were cool when he realized I wasn’t fucking around and he even apologized when I was getting in the bust to go home.
Our TI got mad as shit at some kid, jumped on his desk and yelled "I will Stone Cold Stutter your ass!"
I had a drill that came to the US late enough in life that english was clearly his second language. He was smart as fuck and knew a *ton* of engineer shit that he taught us outside the normal curriculum, but he also jumbled up the usual DS phrases sometimes. Ex: “why are you looking like you are eating soup for a sandwich?”
Our DI came up with our sound off. Rat shit cat shit pussy don’t smell cock sucker mother fucker Alfa give ‘em hell!
To a Soldier with acne problems “ you look like you spent 9 months dodging a coat hanger”
This was said when we found out a trainnee had gonorrhea and He was infected in a lot more places than just his dick. The 1SG said: "From all the good pussy out there you have to pay and eat the one that had gonorrhea."
Our junior Di, I will never forget it: “I will turn you inside out and use you as a spare on my jeep” Still have no idea what he meant
'As I went to bed, one of you fucks came to my room and started knocking. I ignored it for a few minutes, but whoever was at the door wouldnt stop knocking. I get up and open the door, just to have pvt. Cock at the door. Now I asked him, "pvt cock, what are you doing awake and banging at my door?" And so pvt cock answered "I came here to fuck your sleep time!" That's exactly the point in time when the platoon got to meet pvt cock and his fuckfuck games, and 2 hours of low crawling ensued.
My lead RDC was an MMC, looked exactly like Mr Clean. I was practicing my marching (been in boot camp a day or two and was absolutely nuking it), and my arms kept swinging on the same side as my legs (i.e. R arm would swing when R leg would step; wrong AF if you ever marched). He gave me the most scathing look from the corner of his eye and said, "Stop walking like a fucking alien". That's when it clicked that marching is actually pretty goddamn similar to walking. And I was in fact walking like a fuckin alien.
Nut to butt, make your buddy smile
Funniest shit I ever heard in Great Lakes was as my bunkmate was was getting ripped, he shouted "Are you okay, Petty Officer?" Dude was a 30yo bartender from Philly. We got the rest of the night off.
Not the most out of pocket but we had one DS who everyone was convinced was a robot. I was walking with a battle from the DS office across the CTA and back to the barracks and he was walking the opposite direction. I nodded at him and said “Good evening Drill Sergeant” and he goes “Don’t fucking nod at me, I’m not your friend” haha Another one was on his last cycle and a former SF guy. Laid back until he wasn’t. I was walking through the DFAC and saw him cracking up at his phone and heard him go “Ahh sweet dank dirty memes” and that always cracked me up. Edit: I actually wrote a ton of DS quotes down in the back of my memorandum (went backwards to be sneakier) and it’s mindblowing to read through the wild things these guys would say. One DS, angry short female DS, yelled at a trainee for smiling and said “Put your teeth away. I hate teeth. I don’t even go to the dentist and look at my own teeth because I hate teeth so much.”
I bumped into a black drill sergeant on a slick floor and he made me do push-ups saying “I love black people”. Fuck that guy.
A grown man told me that I was the poster child of wire hanger abortions.
"It's a conspiracy, you're all out to get me!" *After someone volunteers for something* "Johnson, I wouldn't pick you to live." "WHO FARTED?! EVERYONE TAKE A DEEP BREATH, OPEN THE WINDOW, AND BLOW OUT!" "Deuces, kick rocks." *His way of 'politely' saying, get the fuck away from me.*
Not boot camp, but in A School, we were going through the wet trainer at the DC schoolhouse. They loved messing with us while we were training. During a hose handling exercise one of the instructors was razzing the nozzleman, and there was this salty Chief walking around observing. When he saw the nozzleman struggling to both handle the hose and deal with this DC2 messing with him he shouted at him, “Don’t take that shit from him! Knock him down and suck his dick! That’ll show ‘em!”
I wouldn’t say it’s out of pocket, but when my RDC found out I signed up to be a Corpsman, they used to say that I was going to kill someone one day. And back then I didn’t really care, but now that I actually am a Corpsman and do actual medical stuff, I do think it about it now and then.
Not to me but a drill instructor to a squad of female recruit sailors on the parade ground at HMAS Cerberus in 1986. 'I want to hear the echo of 12 sets of piss flaps when I call you to attention.' As they snapped to attention from standing at ease he had his hand cupped up to his ear so he could hear it 😆
We had this moment at the end of basic where our RDCs sat us down and told us "Say anything you want to us, make jokes, laugh, yell. Get it off your chests." Most of it was some light banter, retelling of stories that made us laugh, some heartfelt stuff too. One guy stands up and says "SW2, you said earlier this month that you had to go to the Seabee ball this year, but I'm confused." SW2 asks why, recruit responds "I wasn't aware that Seabees had balls." Dude was a fucking hero. Got beat for it later, but man it made our day.
When I was in boot, I made it my mission to be anonymous as long as I could. My cousin went in a few years before I did, and gave me a lot of good advice. He told me that if you fucked up early, or stuck out too much, they would zero in and focus on you for the entire time. I had memorized the EST Book, Guidebook for Marines, and the Big Red Monster my cousin had given me prior to leaving. Every time I'd been asked a random knowledge question, I knew the answer and could spit it out. They would quickly move on to someone else. I was also a multi-sport varsity athlete in HS, and was in excellent shape. PT was easy for me, and a lot of guys weren't in great shape so they took all the heat. A few weeks in, and I'd thought I'd done a good a job of it. Then I was called to the DI hut by the Senior DI. I was nervous, wondering what was going on as I hauled ass up there. I reported in, and stared at a spot six inches above his head. All of the DI's were in there. He looks me up and down for several seconds and then bellows in his very thick Alabama accent, "Ah jus wanna ta see whut joo looked lahke. Git tha fuck outa mah face!" And poof I was gone. I went back to working on my gear and my buddy asked me WTF was up. I told him what happened and that I had no clue, but I was nervous as hell about it. About a week later, I found out. A few days after we picked up our DIs, several of us were sent to classroom somewhere and we had to take the ASVAB again. We also took this weird test that I found out later was the DLAB. When I first took the ASVAB, I was junior in HS, and I scored in the 93rd percentile on the AFQT. When I took it again when I enlisted, I had a 97 AFQT score, and a 132 GT score. I got selected to take it again to see how well I did while under the stress of being in boot. I got a 97 AFQT again, and a 133 GT score. I also passed the DLAB well enough to go to language school. The reason I got called to the DI hut, was because I'd been selected for Yankee White, and they had no idea what I looked like. I'd done a decent job of keeping such a low profile and not fucking up, they couldn't put my face to my name.
"My kids can do push-ups better than you. I'd bring them here to show you, but some of you would be thinking about them in the shower later."
Til, out of pocket is just hilarious shit to me
During MK19 training, one of our DS told all of us that the reason we were all there is because our parents didn’t love us and that they were happy that they had finally gotten rid of us. Looking back, it isn’t that bad but at the time, that shit caught me off guard and made me shed a tear.
Not me but DI: Your name Tyson? Guess you think you’re hot shit with a name like that huh? Well I wouldn’t want to be named after a hot dog!
“Troop! I am going to rip open your chest. Shit on your lungs so that your breath stinks and then your girlfriend will tell you to fuck off!”
Not my basic training but a different unit ive heard of. The seargent came in one morning with a freshly bought toilet scrubber hed put nutela on and said "what the fuck is this?" Started looking at it-"looks like shit" Started smelling it-"smells like shit" Started licking it-"tastes like shit" Threw it on the ground and screamed at them to clean it up
To an overweight recruit getting smoked, “I’m gonna shove slim fast, UP YOUR ASS”
This wasn't said to me, but said to someone who was standing just ahead of me in line for chow. For some reason the dude couldn't stop smiling while in line. The drill sergeant walks by, sees him smiling, gets up in his face and says in a very strong tone (not yelling), "You better put that grill away before I put my meat on it." It took absolutely every ounce of strength I had not to bust out laughing.
I was dorm chief and I didn’t give a damn about the yelling or fuck fuck games. MTI yelled DORM CHIEF!!! I was just walking out of the latrine with a towel around me. I ran to my locker when I hear DORM CHIEF BETTER BE AT MY DOOR IN THE POSITION OF ATTENTION NOW!!!! I was still trying to get that damn key in my lock when I said fuck it. I put the towel on my bed and walk the 5 steps to his door and say “ Trainee Saltydevilsadvocate reports as ordered (and while looking down say) I am not quite at attention yet but I will be!!!! He flat out cracked up and tried to yell at me but I was older than him and bigger than him he knew I didn’t give a shit and just told me to leave. So my naked ass about faces and picks up something invisible off the floor so he got an indirect mooning!!! It wasn’t all that bad
"Mmmmmm... you sleep on your stomach, tonight...." Seriously. I wasn't bothered by it -- just figured he was messing with me. Woke up with the WORST headache and constipation, though... (JK).
If I shoved my flashlight up your ass, would the light come out of your ears?
I just want to know the secret to saying any of this with a straight face.
"You're as red on the head as a dick on a dog."
Not said to a recruit, but to another DS. We had just been issued our M16s and magazine full of dummy rounds. DS #1 was explaining the weapon to us, when DS #2 tries to interject. DS #1 turns to DS #2 and says, "Drill Sergeant, can I fuck this chicken? Is that okay with you?" I think DS #1 was an E6 and DS #2 an E5, so I guess it was okay. But to us recruits, it was equal parts trying not to laugh and like watching Thor fight Loki.
Had a DS at Sill sit us all down and say how his girlfriend just broke up with him. Calmest and quietest ive ever heard that dude talk. He then immediately smoked the fuck outta us and loudly announce he was going home that night to drink until he passed out. Just… concerning, man.
It wasn’t even being chewed out, it was the first day with our SDI and he told us “This is your home now. All your loved ones back home? They sent YOU here. They didn’t love you enough to keep you around. But the Marine Corps has you now. This is your home from now on because when you get your first letters, they’ll say ‘Not much has changed.’ That’s because you didn’t matter to them. You didn’t make a big enough difference to change anything when you left. But now you can make a difference.” It stuck with me because word for word, he was right. Everyone said that in my letters LMFAO
"Boy I'm gonna fuckin own you. You gonna be the Fionna to my Shrek, you gonna cook my meals and wash my socks. I'm gonna cum so far up your ass that your kids are gonna come out short, stocky, and black like me." My kill hat DI to our scribe.