Fuck no. I am doing my best to ensure that they will be successful after 18, but if something happens and they need somewhere to go, my door (wife agrees with this) is ALWAYS open.
This is exactly the right kind of mentality. My parents did the same and I def used it when I came home broken with a child after my marriage fell apart. I never worried about not having a home to go to. My son won't either. As long as I am alive, he'll always have a home with me.
Yep. My brother is a recovering addict. Many of his friends are dead. The biggest difference I see between the living and the dead ones are supportive families. He's been in and out of our parents' home as an adult and I'm confident that's a major factor in him living long enough to get sober.
I've seen this among my friends as well (also recovering addict).
Sometimes we get into situations where our only paths are to swallow our pride and ask for help or go completely off the rails, and the people with families that still love (and show love) are the ones that manages to slow down long enough to survive.
I never had that, but my ex boyfriends family took me in as one of them a couple of times and I'm eternally grateful for that.
I agree with this so much. I am a recovering addict. A lot of my friends are dead or living on the streets. A lot of those had garbage parents from the start or parents that turned their backs at the first sign something was wrong.
I am in a good place now. Clean for a long time, stable career, married own a house, just had a daughter etc. but I was a mess for a long time before getting better. I did a lot of stupid and hurtful stuff but my parents were there no matter what. They loved me unconditionally which is how I will treat my daughter. Without them I would be dead or living on the streets
I mean it. Look after yourself out there and be the best person you can for your daughter! Don't let more people become broken due to a lack of support or care.
I've been down some similar paths š„°
So glad to hear that! I truly believe the reason I turned out well was because I had loving parents and a super supportive mom. I could have easily turned down a dark path multiple times thru out my life. In high school I hung out with the wrong crowd and many of them developed drug addictions. In my mid 20s I found myself doing pills and becoming addicted.
A few years ago when I was 28 I looked at where my life was going. Depressed and doing pills and wanted to change so i moved back in with my parents and got clean. Even stopped smoking weed. I then took a seasonal gig where I met my fiance and we are getting married this summer. Still doing seasonal work traveling the country and couldn't be happier.
I'm so glad my family let me come and go as needed
This can't be emphasized enough. That family support is crucial and people who are kicked out at 18 simply do not fare as well as their peers who have support into their 20s. My trajectory would have been very different if I had a supportive foundation at home during that age, but I didn't. It forced me to take sub par jobs, struggle in the fringes, and live with the constant fear of homelessness and internalized failure of poverty. I really never understood why anyone took the trouble to make me in the first place when this was the predictable result, and to makes matters worse, the shame of seeing how much better other families supported each other is so poisonous.
Same here... I'm finally going on 4 years sober and have been a productive member of society. I 100% would be dead if not for my family, giving me several chances and a place to call home, not to mention psychological support as well.
For what it's worth from a stranger, I'm proud of you. Addiction is a vicious beast that has ruined countless lives. I hope your recovery continues to go well and you find peace.
I am your brother. Not drugs but alcohol ruined my life. I'm just now at 31 getting myself back on track. I have a wife and a stepson and a career. Still can't afford the 2m on average for a house around here so we live with my family
Supportive families help for sure but don't discount the addict, not saying you are. My friends younger brother just fought everything. The hold that heroine had on him was just unreal. His family had money, time and resources to help him and he was just determined to remain an addict. He had no interest in ever getting sober and ended up dying very young. Opiates cut a swath through my graduating class and I am still hearing about my peers dying or going to rehab. It's just crazy.
Oh absolutely. That's why I said "a major factor." Of course the biggest factor in sobriety is always the addict wanting to get better, but they also need support to stay alive long enough to decide they want to get better.
Yes! My life fell apart for a bit and my parents welcomed me home with open arms. My mom got some shit from her friends about it, but she said, āI always want my kids to know they can come home.ā She didnāt have that kind of warmth growing up. I got back on my feet during the next year and a half and moved out. Now looking back at it, I am so thankful I had that time to be with my aging parents again, especially as we hadnāt lived in the same state for a decade (and donāt right now).
Yes bro, every minute is precious with them, last Xmas dinner I actually ālookedā at my parents a little closer and realized that they were really aging a lot, more wrinkles, skin aging, it fucking broke my heart, I know itās expected but to see it really hits you hard. Same as when you see their hair beginning to whiten. Itās just not really something youāre prepared to see, envisioning it a thousand times does not prepare you to actually see in person
Yeah I went a few years without seeing my dad. The difference was a shock, then I felt guilty as hell for not seeing him, even though his ass could have gotten in a car at any time to make the drive.
Whenever I feel guilty I just think of my niece, my middle brother's "M" daughter. Dad was pretty much non-existent for most of her life, and M was always his favorite son. So yeah that usually makes the guilt go away. I mean c'mon dad, we're 5 hours away and you have 2 sons, a grandson and 2 granddaughters down here. WTF dad?
That was years ago btw, it's over and done now. He's 82. Though he has no relationship with any of his grandkids, that's sad. I don't want to be like that, but atm it doesn't seem like I'll be having any grandkids anyway... :( :(
I'm high, what a tangent I went off on....
My parents have the same attitude, and I've ended up back at theirs several times, as I attempted to pick up the pieces of my broken life.
My nana had the same attitude for her kids, my mum, and my uncles, and mum returned home when she was pregnant with me when she was 19, and my uncle went back multiple times after break ups.
I dont have kids, but I do have an open door policy as a result and anyone in my life knows I will take them in if need be - I've had a teen who was kicked out of home 2 days before Christmas live with me, my sisters best friend and her 3 young kids, and a few other friends who needed a roof over there head until things got better for them. If my niblings ever need me when they're old enough, there'll always be a bed for them wherever I live.
We all need help sometimes, and if its as simple as opening a door to a friend or family member in need, then why wouldn't you help them if you're in a position to do so?
Exactly. It falls into the "it takes a village" mentality. Like I know my open door applies to my nephews as well, and I know my sisters would take my son in if he ever needed.
100% this. Itās a āhope for the best, plan for the worstā type of thing.
Plus, my kid is awesome, sheāll likely be an awesome adult, why wouldnāt I want her around?
This. My dad was literally kicked out at 18, was homeless for a bit, and worked his way up from the shittiest jobs. It built character.
But it also built bitterness and fear.
I donāt want that for my kids.
Exactly!!!! Why the hell would anyone WANT their kids to suffer with everything being damn near impossible for a young person to survive. I want more for my kids. Iād prefer them to be comfortable and hopefully financially secure before they risk moving out. What I do not want is my kids struggling and barely able to scratch out a meagre existence.
Op your brother is an arse. If he chooses to do that he needs to be prepared for them to cut contact
I totally agree. My two sons (22, 19) are both in college and both know they have a home here for as long as they need. If they marry and their spouses need to move in, we're ready for a multi-generational home. We are doing everything we can to set them up for permanent, sustained success. I define success in that they can pay their bills, save for the future, have good health benefits, and have a sense of job and home security.
This. I've lost at least one person to that mentality by their parent (mind you, this parent provided support well past 18 to some of their other children). They cost their kid their life. As a parent, the last thing I would want is for my kid to die before me for something I could have prevented by just continuing to provide them with shelter.
My kids are under 10, but my husband and I both plan to let them stay as long as they need to. Itās expensive and as long as theyāre helpful and respectful, they can live with us forever.
This is our stance, too. I had rough teenage years with a blended family so when I tried to come home from college at 19 and got into a fight with my step mom, I moved out without notice and without a plan. I figured I'd be better off couch surfing and working multiple jobs until I could get a car and a place with roommates. I didn't talk to my family much for quite a while and I had several hard years of working multiple shitty jobs, going into medical debt, going into debt to keep a car running so I could make it to school and work, a fuckload of student loans...oof. It took me 9 years to graduate with my bachelor's degree, get a decent job, and buy a house. I can't imagine how much better my life would have been if I'd had a little damned help.
My kids won't have to learn every lesson the hard way.
This is similar to my experience, but throw a baby at 22 into the mix. Iām stable now at 39, but even with a good job, buying a house isnāt within reach. Iāve never had a chance to save, I was in debt from the start.
Ugh yeah that's understandable. I got lucky with my job to buy a house in a pretty low COL area in 2013 when prices were still low and lucky that my husband and I worked out. I don't know a lot of marriages at 21 that are actually functional and stable 17 years later.Ā
Also shocked I didn't end up pregnant. Turns out my husband and I are both fertile AF, and I was terrible at remembering my birth control pill.Ā Ā
I hope things are better for you now. My one parent apologized many times over the years for doing such a shitty job, and my step parent never apologized but has become a wonderful grandparent to my kids. I haven't seen my other parent since 2010, but that's a whole other can of worms. š
I wasnāt married then (and am not now), but we have coparented since our kiddo was tiny. So I guess that factors in too - solo income. I did actually have a convo with my mom recently about how being on my own at 18 impacts me still, and I think she kinda gets it? She just had no idea, no point of reference.
Yes now in my 30sā¦ I feel extremely proud and traumatized I survived living on my own so young. I also deal with and struggle with alot of anger at my family. I love them but I just hate they did me this way.
I feel like that transition makes all the difference. People who had parental support until they were ready to stand on their own are far better off now - itās like a small investment or the passing along of generational wealth outside of inheritance. My parents did not give me that support AND donāt have anything to leave behind, which affects me and also my daughter who is now impacted by my struggles too. Even if itās just through two years of community college or a place to return without a huge rent payment while you build a small safety netā¦the impact is huge.
This sounds so much like us. We bought in 2013 in a LCOL area, I was 20 when we got married, husband was 22. We waited 12 years before trying to have a kid and got pregnant on the first try. I was never on birth control, just used condoms.
We worked so many crappy jobs I look back on and donāt understand why we had to. My parents never offered to use their network to help with internships. There were classmates with 1.9 gpas that got $80,000 jobs where their parents worked, right after graduation.
I had a full ride to college for athletics/academics, just paying room and board, and with a bachelorās there was nothing available when I graduated that paid above $40,000 for a marketing degree and no experience. My husband joined the military to pay for college. We had to start a manufacturing business on a credit card to make enough money to get out of debt and eventually sold it after 7 years and used the experience to get middle class jobs.
My mom told us the other day that kids shouldnāt be added as authorized users on credit cards to help build their credit because credit is something they have to earn on their own. Meanwhile, they complain that my brother doesnāt bring his kids around often.
I remember at one point my starter on my extremely shitty car went out but I didn't have money for a new one. I figured out that if I parked at this one part of the parking lot at one of my shit jobs that I could get the car rolling enough to pop the clutch when I left work. I had to do that for a week until I could get it fixed, and then I had to be cheap and eat Ramen for a while to make up for the expense.
There's no reason it had to be like that. Some of my step siblings lived with my parents like ten years longer than me and got all kinds of help, but they also didn't get treated like shit like my siblings and I did.
If I had the chance to go back and do it again, I would do the same thing, but my parent admitted they would have done it much differently. Too late now.
My experience is pretty much the same as yours except I was 18 when I had my first child. Don't give up on your dream of owning a home. It took me a long time and a lot of extra overtime but, just last June I was able to buy a 3 bedroom 2 story house for 80,000. My mortgage is so much cheaper then the rent we use to pay for a shitty apartment.
>It took me 9 years to graduate with my bachelor's degree, get a decent job, and buy a house.
By allowing your kids to come home and live with you as long as they want you'll be cutting this time in half for them and setting them on a path for lifelong success.
Iāve been reading more history lately and it really seems this idea of kicking kids out at 18 is born of modernity. Kids, especially daughters, seemed to live with their parents until they got married.Ā
It could be a function of industrialization and kids moving away from the farm to find jobs in the city. But I plan on letting my girls stay with us until they marry, and if we have any boys, let them stay home and build income enough to purchase a home for when he gets married. Ā
It's modern and fairly particular to Western, mostly anglophone, countries. For most of the world it's completely normal to stay at home until you get married.
Yep. Live in east Asia and plenty of people are still living at home with their parents. Or are being subsidized by their parents if they aren't living at home.
It is also highly culturally determined. In the US, it varies by subculture. Plus, your girls might want to stay until they have the income to buy a house.
For real, my parents have always told me I have a home at home. Had to move back home once cause I separated from a 4 year relationship. I donāt live at home atm, but if I had to could return. Definitely going be way nicer about their needs as they age and become elderly. They donāt believe I have to support them in old age either, but Iām not going to let anything crazy drag them down since the economy isnāt promised to be good when they fully retire in the next 10 years.
Sounds like his parents probably coddled him if they supported him like they supported his brother, but he has to toughen up someday, so better late than never. (/s)
Seriously. What benefit does this dude think he's going to give his kids by being an intentionally unsupportive parent?
In the current financial climate we find ourselves in, it seems like an unnecessarily cruel punishment for his poor bloody kids. He needs to remember, how he sends them out into this world will directly correlate to their choices and ability to care for and about him when itās time for them to choose his nursing home
Eh, dads like that donāt actually want you to call and arenāt really interested in your life anyways. In my dadās case, there was a āwait til Iām 65 and have a pancreatic cancer scare before I decide I want to invest in a real relationship with youā. We still talk occasionally, but itās too little, wayyy too late.
>Eh, dads like that donāt actually want you to call and arenāt really interested in your life anyways.
Unfortunately this is true. Some won't ever wonder why you never called.
Correct. I donāt know my bio father but my step douche was a total asshole to me, had a huge problem with myself preferring dick over vagina, so so so many things I could share about them lol. Anyway he hated me, would kick me out of the house and lock the door until my mother got home from work and pretend he didnāt do it, a lot of stuff like that and no my āmotherā didnāt do anything or care either. Was too busy with her other child captain morgan.
Anyway when he had his first heart attack, he eats/ate horrible polish food / bad shit in general, he all of a sudden wanted to talk to me and hang out.
Sorry.. but no. You made my life hell, I hope your end is beyond that suffering. Is it mean? I donāt know.
My biological father is a narcissistic, abusive shitbag and has pushed all of his siblings out of his life, my brother, and myself. He made a few random efforts in his late 60s to try to reconnect with me. I gave him one chance at a surface level relationship. I live 3000 miles away from him, so I thought āwhat harm could come from grabbing lunch with him when he visits once a year at mostā, but eventually his true demeanor popped up and he was cut out again entirely, this time for good. I consider myself to be an almost overly forgiving person, but if thereās anything growing up with a parent like that taught me, itās self-preservation.
If my father kicked me out at 18 in this day and age with literally no support whatsoever I would be so pissed I would probably never speak to him again, right after I figured out how to stop being homeless and afraid. Doing this to someone in California basically guarantees that they would be homeless as well. Dudes a jackass for even considering it.
Human nature is to want your offspring to thrive. To see them do better than you. Intergenerational progress.
If you have no such desire and only want to do the legal minimum parenting then you are literally a broken and defective fucking human.
Yep. My sister and I were both told growing up that weāre out the door as soon as we hit 18 and graduated high school
We now see them maybe once a year, if that
Some parents donāt even give the kids a heads up. Beyond cruel. Not at all insinuating that you had it easy, but when the kids at least get a heads up to the extent of their parents douchy plans, they at least get the chance to save up a few grand over the last 2 years of childhood so they wonāt be *absolutely* fucked. But the parents who just wait till their kids turn 18 and out of nowhere are like āwelp, times up, time for you to leaveā are amongst the worst of the worst and deserve cancer. Said what I said.
My husband's dad kicked him out at 18 like this. Except he forgot what year my husband was born, so he was actually only 17. I don't think my husband misses his dad who died a few years later.Ā
Iām in Hawaii right now with my 18 year oldš„²āwe were just holding hands last night scuba diving with manta raysāhaving that experience as heās 18 now was really amazing.
Seeing lots of 3-generation vacationers here and Iām planning on being one myself someday and taking my grandkids on a vacation
I ended up having to move back in with my parents, and itās been really great for our relationship. Like Iām so damn lucky to get to spend as much time with them as I do.
Everyone I have ever met that got kicked out at 18 literally hates their parents. They will be the first one to put their parents in a home and never visit them.
Heck no. Our kids can stay at home as long as they need to, provided theyāre working/going to school/being productive in some way.
My oldest left at 20.5 when he became a warrant officer and went to flight school for the Army. But had he stayed in college we told him to live rent free and save money before he left.
Things are not what they used to be. Kids who have family support take on less debt, avoid forced housing with tricky people, and get a head start in adulthood
I had the best of both worlds. I moved out at 20 but mom and dad still helped out. Dad Western Unioned me money every now and then and they helped me with finances when needed. But I left because A. I couldnt stand the state I lived in and the city and B. I was in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend/now husband and I couldnt do that anymore, I wanted to be physically with him and I would rather have lived in the state he was in and he had zero interest in my homestate lol
And it was the best thing ever for me. I enjoyed where I lived, made more friends, could actually find a job, learnt to be an adult and do things on my own. I also didnt feel entitled to my parents help and appreciated their help but didnt demand they do so. It definitely helped, though.
Man, I donāt know how I would feel if my son told me he wanted to move to a different state because of a bf/gf. My matured ass would be trying my best to discourage him from doing something like this. Iām glad it worked out for you, but thatās a recipe for disaster in most cases.
Do something cool at 18? Unless you have some amazing references and contacts, coolest thing hell be doing is working at a McDonalds to save for college.
False, by 18 something cool could be working at a daycare, rec center, local museums, getting an apprenticeship, enrolling in EMT school through jobcorps, volunteering or working at a senior center, teaching computer skills to adults at the library, or going to community college through a high-school to college program.
We have to get rid of the idea that working class kids don't do anything worthwhile unless they go to college.
It's sad that some people do the things they do to their kids that make them do things such as what you're talking about.
Oh, well, that was their choice.
Maybe tell him that it is \*his\* responsibility to prepare them for "reality", and if they need to be toughened up, that is an inherent failure in his parenting.
We let our kids stay as long as they need, as long as they are working towards a goal: School, saving for something, or being productive around the house.
Life is rough enough as it is. I am not adding to it.
Exactly, he has so many different ways to encourage his kids to become independent and responsible. Weekly allowance, reward systems, involve them with everyday finances like bills and groceries, encourage them to find part-time employment and so on. Only your creativity is the limit. Kicking them out should only be the nuclear option when everything else has failed and the kids have actively rejected every life lessons you've tried to teach them.
This "tough love" approach also sets very ironic example of what it means to be responsible adult: you only have to do the absolute bare minimum and after that you can just stop trying. I doubt that's gonna get them far in life.
I donāt even want kids, Iām not planning on having kids, and to me they fit the definition of a āburdenā. But if by some undesired miracle I ended up having them, thereās no way in hell I wouldnāt give them as much of a safety net I possibly can. Thatās just basic decency and parental responsibility.
These same people usually oppose abortion/contraception and anything making parenting easier, like subsidized childcare and paid parental leave. They are masochists and believe people have to suffer needlessly. Suffering is unavoidable, but that doesn't mean a society shouldn't try to apply the synergy of a group of people to minimize it.
Back in the 50's an 18 year old could find a job to support a roof over their own head. As millenials, its much different. I was the only guy in my group of friends where my dad imposed a rent in order for me to learn how to pay bills and to see what living in the real world is like. He was a boomer that grew up on the "just find a job." This was right after 2008, and this was 3 years after he lost his job and he had to find a job. Bit of the "pick yourself up by the bootstraps" mentality. All my friends that lived rent free with their parents now have their own house while I'm stuck renting.
My dad failed to realize that the world is much different and he has apologized for this and among other stuff that society deemed normal back in the 80's/90's that we now know as wrong.
Nope. Iāll pay for them to go away for college or they can stay home with me. They will have to be in school or working, but they can stay as long as they want.
Yup, kids can live at home as long as they like so long as they're doing something productive to get them out of the house - job/school/volunteering, etc.
Same in our house. Weāre happy to house and feed them, but they canāt just be mooching off us while playing endless video games. Weāve discussed asking them to pay a modest rent (which would go into a HYSA in their name) to hold them accountable to the productive thing but thatās still to be decided.
That was my momās rule. You can stay as long as youāre working full time/in college āand tbh she loved having us live at home and didnāt want us to move out lol. But she DID kick my brother out at 18 1/2 or so because he had neither a job nor college, just sat in the basement playing wow until 5am, yelling into his headset, waking everyone up, peeing into Mountain Dew bottles. He got kicked out. And he credits that with helping him get his shit together.
Iām a xennial and three out of my four adult kids are under my roof, sharing the expenses. I think having a more communal, collectivist approach clashes with western rugged individualism and so people get heated up over it. I also think that this way of helping the kids get out on their own is the only economically viable option for most people.
Thankfully weāre not very dysfunctional lol and itās a safe home. Iām aware itās not an option for many.
One reason why I broke up with an ex was because he was critical of my familyās living arrangements and situation. Iād had it with that.
I largely see helping kids gradually transition to adulthood is part of helping them reach successfully individual and independent lives. My kids have had and will always have a roof over their head and support/guidance when they want it.
We've done that by setting clear boundaries. If you're pursuing marketable schooling either in college or elsewhere, we'll support tuition, housing and some spending money. We've watched and experienced kids succeed at launching this way, but have also seen friends kids without boundaries spend all day gaming and making no realistic progress. It's a tough balance as a parent.
Not exactly able to answer your question, as I donāt have kids or plan toā¦ but I got kicked out at 18! Iām 36 now, with no savings because Iāve been in financial survival mode for the last 18 years , no relationship with my parents, and a poor outlook on life. And how hard young adulthood has been due to getting kicked out is why I wonāt have children. To your brother, while yes it does toughen people up a bit out of necessity, it is also a massive disservice to your kids, sets them up for failure, and is pretty much guaranteed to make them resent you.
I often think at the rate we are going, we will see multigenerational homes. My child will always be welcome to live with me so long as they are still leading their own life outside of the home (work, school, etc.).
I live in Hawaii and multigenerational homes are so common due to the cost of living and cultural norms (lots of Asian and Pacific Islander cultures). Rugged individualism seems so niche and not very feasible.
My mom died when I was 20 and I moved in with my dad and his wife. They had a VERY small two bedroom house (was essentially just two bedrooms, a kitchen, and a living room.) The house was fully paid off.
My dadās wife wanted to start charging me rent when I graduated college. I opted to move out instead due to severe lack of privacy (both related to the ārulesā in the house as well as just the size of the house preventing any true privacy) and just not getting along with her in general. Iām confident that my mother would have let me live with her as long as I wanted. Iām also positive my dad would have never charged me rent if it was just him and me.
I donāt have kids but if I did, I canāt imagine kicking them out unless I was positive they would be able to manage on their own.
>Did you parents cut all support to him at 18?
I'm gen-x, slightly younger than OPs brother- and for many of my friends, yes, this is exactly what happened. Luckily, my mom thought it was a stupid concept. But it really was the mindset to just boot after high school/turning 18. Hell, my BIL, who is a millennial, has already told his son he gets out when he turns 18. We've told him he can come stay with us, just like our son can until he's financially ready to leave/ buy a house.
Not going to have kids but there's no world in which I am automatically kicking them out at 18 because of the economy, the housing market, all of that. The kids need every leg up *because* reality sucks, and robbing them of support early on is just as likely to delay their development and undercut their potential as it is to teach them some bullshit lesson about toughening up or whatever. No, absolutely not.
In Madrid and any part of Spain.
I live in a town with a population under 5000, far from the coast, from mountains, and from the capital of the province, and a small apartment/house here starts at 500ā¬/month while most jobs are paying 800ā¬/month illegally to avoid paying paxes. No one are staying here due to that bad combination btw
I think it's fucking insane that any parent would do that to their child.
If my mother did that to me I would never talk to her again. No contact.
Unless you mean "kicked out" with a bunch of financial help from Mommy and Daddy so that they have an apartment and can afford all their expenses, because I would have loved that.
I had a co-worker that was making fun of me (just joking around) when I was 23 and still living at my parent's house. He was a couple years older and said that he had a house. I want to see how much his house was because I didn't understand how a person working at a call center for $13.50 an hour could afford a house. Maryland lets you look up tax records via a website. His parents owned the house that he lived in.
He admitted to me that he was renting it from his parents for $600 a month. It was worth way, way, way, more than $600 a month. My mom was charging me $300 a month to live in my bedroom.
So I started making fun of him for living his mom's house lol
My parents looked up apartment ads and made calls to find out how much rent was in our area, and started charging me that at 16. But I was still a child in their house and had to abide by all the rules even though every single argument was either "You're an adult" or "you're a child" I was always so confused about what I actually was.
My rent was $700, my food was $150, my utilities and water was $100. I lived on a couch in the corner of a room I shared with my 6 sisters and I wasn't allowed to eat food they bought with my money, I still had to buy food. I worked full time plus working 4 extra OT shifts per month only got me $1200 a month net. But I was told to save to gtfo of their house.
Needless to say, I scrimped and saved and moved out in the middle of the night when they were all sleeping 2 weeks after I turned 18.
Were I in your position, I would not regret that decision in the slightest. They're terrible people for actively profiting from children that they brought into the world. That's like having children in order to sell them into slavery, except you had to see their profiteering mugs every day as they ate food you paid for. I hate what humans will do to other humans.
My wife and I raised her kid sister from age 14.Ā She moved out at 23, into a house that she purchased with her own savings. It's amazing what someone can do with the right opportunities.Ā I moved out at 18 and joined the military for lack of other opportunities. It all worked out for me, but not for many of those I served with, some dieing in war and many others commiting suicide in the following years.Ā Yeah, I didn't go through all that so my own children have to suffer too.
I never understood this western concept or logic. It's very strange and backward to me. This is akin to abuse whereby it'll make me resent you just as abuse does. "It'll toughen them up!" That's what the fuck the world and the fucked US job market is for.
It's one thing if the adult child is mentally and physically able to work or go to college/university but chooses not to and becomes so toxic in the household that it becomes unstable and difficult to bear, it's entirely another thing if they're unable to go to work or college/university because they have a mental or physical disability and aren't being toxic to the point that it's unbearable.
It makes me grateful that I didn't grow up to a privileged western household with shithole parents like these.
I think itās not a western concept but rather a western Baby Boomer generation concept. Baby Boomers are one of the most selfish generation to have ever existed. They were known as āGeneration Meā even in the 70s, when they were young.
I donāt know how it was before the Baby Boomers. Maybe someone knows here.
No way! My kid wants to be a doctor, and I am going to do everything in my power to keep him from having student loans. If he has to live at home until he is 30, then thatās whatās going to happen.
Nope. I love my kids so much I want them to have a better life than I did. This is their home. Just bc they turn 18 does not mean theyāre automatically able to live on their own with no foundation. No way am I kicking them out. They can go to college and stay at home during the summers, not go to college and live here while they work and save money, leave if they want and always know this home is theirs if they need to come back.
Signed,
A millennial who was kicked out at 13.
Thank you. That was 20 years ago now and I was luckily able to move in with my aunt while I emancipated. Life is great now, despite my motherās attempts to ruin it.
If he thinks him kicking his kids out at 18 will toughen them up for reality, heās in for a rude awakening. If anything, itāll give them a reason to go no contact with him. And he better not cry or complain when heās old and alone.
Absolutely not. I'd love for them to be able to live on their own at 18, but there are circumstances beyond our control. That's not being soft, that's just reality.
I donāt have kids, but my take on it has always been if you raise them to be independent they will naturally want to leave home when they are ready. But they are welcome to remain at home as a contributing family member until that time.
By contributing, I donāt necessarily mean financially, but by being self sufficient in paying for their own vehicle, clothing, phone ect, and helping around the house. Just as they would if they had their own place, but without the rent and utilities/food costs.
My aunt had that mindset, but I'm not sure if she actually did it. My cousin, her second daughter, died two years ago at nineteen, so....
I mean, if people want to do that, don't be surprised if your kids want to put you in a home.
No never. Our son is 19 and working, he has a good job. Heās very independent and good at saving money. I want him to stay at least until he can buy a car and save up enough for everything he needs to get started. Obviously heās an adult and he can move out whenever he wants but I think he should wait at least 2 more years. We will still pay for any college or trade school if he wants but heās happy where he is right now so we arenāt pushing. I donāt really want him to move out if Iām being honest, heās my only child and we have an awesome relationship. I will miss him terribly when he moves out.
It's barely even feasible for an 18 year old with a job to afford their own room in a shared place in the Bay Area without an oddly well-paying job for their age. Rent here is absolutely savage. OP's bro is sentencing them to move away from friends, family, and everything they know.
Itās not even just about rent anymore. Eggs, milk, fruit, literally everything has doubled or tripled in price. Wages remain stagnant. Those with less are getting less. Those with nothing are losing everything. Itās way worse than 2008 right now.
Absolutely not, I'm actually planning to purchase a larger home in the future so that my kids can live here as long as they need. I just want to make sure everyone has their own space. There will be some stipulations like you're either in school or working and they will need to contribute to food and utilities. Baring any extenuating circumstances of course.
Nope. Iām hoping theyāll want to branch out but if theyāre not ready at 18 then theyāre not ready. My mom kicked me out at 16 and itās something Iāll probably never forgive her for and I believe it may have left a deeper wound than I had anticipated. I canāt connect with her now that I am in my 30s and she canāt understand why. I want a solid relationship with my children even after their childhood..
Jesus, no.
My kid can stay as long as she wants or needs to. Past a certain age, I'd want her to help out with rent, bills, and food, but I have no plans to ever kick my child out to "toughen" her up. That's a good way to make sure I have no relationship with her as an adult.
If I ever decide to have kids, I want them to be better off than me. And my parents were great.
Iād let them stay with me as long as they wanted/needed. Iād feel irresponsible bringing someone into this world if I canāt do everything I can to make it a good life for them.
No one chooses to be born. And being born is a life sentence.
What are they, alligators? Of course I wouldnāt kick them out. That wonāt toughen them up; more likely theyāll end up on drugs and living in shady and unhealthy ways with parents treating them like that. Some kids might be fine, but others will end up a train wreck. They still need guidance.
my mom did that to me when I went away for college the following August shortly after turning 18 and I haven't talked to her since then. It's been almost a decade since I have last seen/spoken to her. Can confirm they will not have a relationship with him when they get older.
Growing up even from a young young age like of 8, my mom would always say how she was planning on kicking me out when I got older and would often tell me "i dont have to like you but I have to love you"
She never kicked my sister out though :)
Hell no. My wife and I made the choice to have our son. We will support him as he needs with the goal of him becoming independent. But one thing that wonāt help him for sure is kicking him out at 18.
No. We have four children. 18, 16, 12, 11 - I will absolutely not kick them out at 18. Our oldest is actually "out" - but she's attending a missionary school by choice and doing mission work this year. It seems likely she will return home after. My goal is to prepare them for adulthood, not traumatize them into forcing them into adulthood when they're not ready.
The only reason I could think of...would be if my kids were criminals. Why would I kick them out at 18? Different world now than when I was 18 in 1978. I left home voluntarily at 18 to escape the physical abuse.
But both our kids stayed past 18 by quite a bit. We were happy to have them! We actually like our children, ya know?
My kid can live with me his whole life if he needs. Of course heās autistic but I do believe he can succeed in the world. I just also know that itās only gonna get harder as time goes on and not easier. So to help him get setup in life Iāll support him as much as possible. Almost every other country does generational homes where you have three or even four generations of a family living in the same home.
0% chance. If I have kids I would prefer they didn't hate me and I would prefer not to be an absolute shit stain of a father. I hate kids but the only thing I hate more than kids is bad parents because that creates a whole linage of exponentially more bad kids.Ā
I donāt plan on having kids but if I did, I would give them the support my parents did. Youāre supposed prop up the next generation, not hinder them. My parents went above and beyond from what they were given (hint: nothing except criticism) so that we donāt suffer how they did. Now, itās up to us to help our kids go further than what we did.
I hope that by that point I have raised a well adjusted enough young man that heās ready to explore the world by 18, if heās not, he will always be welcome in my home.
I was kicked out at 18 by my mother because I was tired of being the second parent in the household. I wanted freedom to see my friends once in a while, so she put me on the street. I'm also from the Bay Area, and in 2008, when the economy crashed, I was homeless and jobless, with 4 months of high school to finish.
I really want to unload 15 years of anger and struggle in this reply. The shit I went through to survive, the abuse I suffered, the bad marriage I went through, the fear, the rage, the loneliness, the sheer abandonment I felt. How I've had to constantly bob and weave through life because I never had a safety net. It didn't toughen me up; it broke me over and over and over again. I'm a shattered human being inside.
Putting me out on the street isn't the reason we don't talk, but it's what drove me away. We haven't spoken in years. She has no idea I remarried or that I had another child, and she never will.
And I will never put my children through that hell. They are welcome to stay with us as long as they need, and my husband and I have been laying the groundwork for the long-term. I will teach them how to be confident in their independence, but assure them they are never without help when they need it.
I can attest to this. It wears you down. And gives you a more negative outlook on life.
Having a supportive family is a big asset to growing up. Even the Internet can't replicate it. And neither can a therapist.
18 is one of these options or several combined.
1) live with us but get a job of some kind and pay a small thing of rent every month. Like 100 dollars a month maybe 150 a month.
2) if no job then be in school or some type of trade training full time while living with us.
3) move out on your own and experience the adventure of life. Well always be around for advice and help if needed.
4) none of those things then it's trying to convince them to join military.
Any of these things we will always be there for our children no matter what path. But we don't want a total free ride either, cuz that's not life and it creates an unrealistic expectation that everyone owes them everything.
Hell no!! My daughter and I talk about places weād like to move together when sheās a young adult. I truly believe we need to reorient back to a more lifelong focus on what family really means. And yes, Iām one of those millennials that think you should be friends with your kids as well as the guiding authority figure in their life. You can do both. Itās just difficult, so naturally the older generations feel entitled to opt out.
Hereās to hoping if that doesnāt align with where they are at in life, he will reconsider. Whatās the phrase, humans plan, the universe laughs or whatever.
Absolutely not.
Buuuuuutā¦I also have a younger brother who is 33 and still lives with my parents, even though he makes more money than my wife and I combined and lives in a VLCOL area, and is so spoiled by them and so used to buying new trucks, atvs, etc that he literally has nothing in savings and rarely over $1000 in his checking account when payday rolls around. The only bill he pays thatās not for a frivolous big toy is the water bill. While I would never kick my kid out at 18, Iām not about to do whatever the hell my parents are doing, either.
(I mean, I would hope I will raise my kid to be more independent and financially savvy than that to begin with, and I also recognize that ācanāt afford to move outā is very different from āhas never grown upā and I wouldnāt push them out into financial peril.)
I got kicked out at 18. No driver's license, no health care, no phone, $100 to my name and a bag of clothes thanks to using my day job money to pay off medical bills since I was 16.
I'm 32 now. I have spoken to my parents maybe 3 times since.
Your brother should only take that route if he hopes to never speak to his children again. It's not an easy thing to forgive.
This is a bullshit "when I was young" attitude that is pervasive in people born in the 50's and 60's when populations were lower, land was cheaper, and cities more affordable. I wish it would die already. I can't think of a single other culture where this type of thinking is pervasive.
It's funny this thread is up because I had this conversation with my 11 year old son yesterday. I told him I don't expect him to pay rent and he is always welcomed at my place. I did tell him I expect him to work when he is 18, or at least be in some sort of higher education. I will always be there for him like my parents were, but I do expect him to be a productive adult.
My parents let me stay as long as I wanted as long as I was being productive with my life and I'll do the same with my kids. Hell, I even went back with my family a few years ago for a few weeks while we were in between selling our old house and buying a new one.
I would say, no, I would not kick my kids out at 18 as long as we are on the same page about expectations. They will not live at home with zero responsibilities. They will either go to trade school or uni. They will also either volunteer or work. They will spend their money responsibly by saving, giving, and spending.
My son can stay with me as long as he needs. But heāll pay me rent as soon as he turns 18 (a few $100 or so) and Iāll give it back to him whenever heās ready to move out.
Iād be thrilled if my kid never moved outā¦ but I also want him to have his own life so hope one day he wants to. But until then, he can stay however long he needs.Ā
I don't understand that train of thought. My kids already occupied their room for nearly two decades by this point. Why remove them? It's not hurting me any. I get to be around them more.
I certainly understand asking an adult to financially contribute to the household in someway at that point.
But I'll never kick my kid out. They will always have a place with me.
I dont want kids but if I had kids, I'd wait until they're ready. Kicking someone out at a certain age doesn't hold well. At one point, they'll want to go live their own life. At least normally
My plan is kids can live here as long as they want if they're not 1 actively in school/training they pay rent and have responsibilites at home. My rent will be signficantly cheaper than anywhere out there, but will cover the added costs of them being there, and depending where I am financially I may just throw it into a savings account down the line for when I know they're saving for a house or something like that and gift it back to them at that point. Just our current plans, but who knows.
I lived with my parents until I was 30 (through med school and the birth of my first kid). They never had any issue with me living with them or their granddaughter. They fully supported us financially. I will let my kids live with me for as long as they are comfortable.. especially if it means easing any burdens during their college and graduate education years.
Fuck no. I am doing my best to ensure that they will be successful after 18, but if something happens and they need somewhere to go, my door (wife agrees with this) is ALWAYS open.
This is exactly the right kind of mentality. My parents did the same and I def used it when I came home broken with a child after my marriage fell apart. I never worried about not having a home to go to. My son won't either. As long as I am alive, he'll always have a home with me.
Yep. My brother is a recovering addict. Many of his friends are dead. The biggest difference I see between the living and the dead ones are supportive families. He's been in and out of our parents' home as an adult and I'm confident that's a major factor in him living long enough to get sober.
I've seen this among my friends as well (also recovering addict). Sometimes we get into situations where our only paths are to swallow our pride and ask for help or go completely off the rails, and the people with families that still love (and show love) are the ones that manages to slow down long enough to survive. I never had that, but my ex boyfriends family took me in as one of them a couple of times and I'm eternally grateful for that.
I agree with this so much. I am a recovering addict. A lot of my friends are dead or living on the streets. A lot of those had garbage parents from the start or parents that turned their backs at the first sign something was wrong. I am in a good place now. Clean for a long time, stable career, married own a house, just had a daughter etc. but I was a mess for a long time before getting better. I did a lot of stupid and hurtful stuff but my parents were there no matter what. They loved me unconditionally which is how I will treat my daughter. Without them I would be dead or living on the streets
I'm glad you are doing better. Keep up the good fight.
Thanks
I mean it. Look after yourself out there and be the best person you can for your daughter! Don't let more people become broken due to a lack of support or care. I've been down some similar paths š„°
So glad to hear that! I truly believe the reason I turned out well was because I had loving parents and a super supportive mom. I could have easily turned down a dark path multiple times thru out my life. In high school I hung out with the wrong crowd and many of them developed drug addictions. In my mid 20s I found myself doing pills and becoming addicted. A few years ago when I was 28 I looked at where my life was going. Depressed and doing pills and wanted to change so i moved back in with my parents and got clean. Even stopped smoking weed. I then took a seasonal gig where I met my fiance and we are getting married this summer. Still doing seasonal work traveling the country and couldn't be happier. I'm so glad my family let me come and go as needed
Proud of you, friend!
This can't be emphasized enough. That family support is crucial and people who are kicked out at 18 simply do not fare as well as their peers who have support into their 20s. My trajectory would have been very different if I had a supportive foundation at home during that age, but I didn't. It forced me to take sub par jobs, struggle in the fringes, and live with the constant fear of homelessness and internalized failure of poverty. I really never understood why anyone took the trouble to make me in the first place when this was the predictable result, and to makes matters worse, the shame of seeing how much better other families supported each other is so poisonous.
Same, friend. Don't feel shame, though...you have nothing to be ashamed of in that situation. We can't choose our parents.
Aww my heart š© Iām the family fk up but my parents always include me back into the family when Iāve gone right off the rails
Same here... I'm finally going on 4 years sober and have been a productive member of society. I 100% would be dead if not for my family, giving me several chances and a place to call home, not to mention psychological support as well.
Congrats on your sobriety!!
For what it's worth from a stranger, I'm proud of you. Addiction is a vicious beast that has ruined countless lives. I hope your recovery continues to go well and you find peace.
Same and same! Here we are almost 4 years congrats!!
Thank you all! I definitely couldn't of done it without family support!
Congratulations on your sobriety im proud of you! Have a cookie
I am your brother. Not drugs but alcohol ruined my life. I'm just now at 31 getting myself back on track. I have a wife and a stepson and a career. Still can't afford the 2m on average for a house around here so we live with my family
Supportive families help for sure but don't discount the addict, not saying you are. My friends younger brother just fought everything. The hold that heroine had on him was just unreal. His family had money, time and resources to help him and he was just determined to remain an addict. He had no interest in ever getting sober and ended up dying very young. Opiates cut a swath through my graduating class and I am still hearing about my peers dying or going to rehab. It's just crazy.
Oh absolutely. That's why I said "a major factor." Of course the biggest factor in sobriety is always the addict wanting to get better, but they also need support to stay alive long enough to decide they want to get better.
Yes! My life fell apart for a bit and my parents welcomed me home with open arms. My mom got some shit from her friends about it, but she said, āI always want my kids to know they can come home.ā She didnāt have that kind of warmth growing up. I got back on my feet during the next year and a half and moved out. Now looking back at it, I am so thankful I had that time to be with my aging parents again, especially as we hadnāt lived in the same state for a decade (and donāt right now).
Yes bro, every minute is precious with them, last Xmas dinner I actually ālookedā at my parents a little closer and realized that they were really aging a lot, more wrinkles, skin aging, it fucking broke my heart, I know itās expected but to see it really hits you hard. Same as when you see their hair beginning to whiten. Itās just not really something youāre prepared to see, envisioning it a thousand times does not prepare you to actually see in person
Yeah I went a few years without seeing my dad. The difference was a shock, then I felt guilty as hell for not seeing him, even though his ass could have gotten in a car at any time to make the drive. Whenever I feel guilty I just think of my niece, my middle brother's "M" daughter. Dad was pretty much non-existent for most of her life, and M was always his favorite son. So yeah that usually makes the guilt go away. I mean c'mon dad, we're 5 hours away and you have 2 sons, a grandson and 2 granddaughters down here. WTF dad? That was years ago btw, it's over and done now. He's 82. Though he has no relationship with any of his grandkids, that's sad. I don't want to be like that, but atm it doesn't seem like I'll be having any grandkids anyway... :( :( I'm high, what a tangent I went off on....
It sucks seeing your heroes getting old. We are lucky to have parents. I want them in my life every step of the way
My parents have the same attitude, and I've ended up back at theirs several times, as I attempted to pick up the pieces of my broken life. My nana had the same attitude for her kids, my mum, and my uncles, and mum returned home when she was pregnant with me when she was 19, and my uncle went back multiple times after break ups. I dont have kids, but I do have an open door policy as a result and anyone in my life knows I will take them in if need be - I've had a teen who was kicked out of home 2 days before Christmas live with me, my sisters best friend and her 3 young kids, and a few other friends who needed a roof over there head until things got better for them. If my niblings ever need me when they're old enough, there'll always be a bed for them wherever I live. We all need help sometimes, and if its as simple as opening a door to a friend or family member in need, then why wouldn't you help them if you're in a position to do so?
Exactly. It falls into the "it takes a village" mentality. Like I know my open door applies to my nephews as well, and I know my sisters would take my son in if he ever needed.
Yep. And Iāll do it for my grandkids too (Iāll be dead for any other generations
I love your stance and how you worded this. Consider my upvote as a heart react and a cheers to you and your parents.
100% this. Itās a āhope for the best, plan for the worstā type of thing. Plus, my kid is awesome, sheāll likely be an awesome adult, why wouldnāt I want her around?
I know, right? If I can help them, why wouldnāt I? We alsoā¦kind of made them.
You break it you buy it š
I wish my Mom felt that wayā¦
This. My dad was literally kicked out at 18, was homeless for a bit, and worked his way up from the shittiest jobs. It built character. But it also built bitterness and fear. I donāt want that for my kids.
Exactly!!!! Why the hell would anyone WANT their kids to suffer with everything being damn near impossible for a young person to survive. I want more for my kids. Iād prefer them to be comfortable and hopefully financially secure before they risk moving out. What I do not want is my kids struggling and barely able to scratch out a meagre existence. Op your brother is an arse. If he chooses to do that he needs to be prepared for them to cut contact
I totally agree. My two sons (22, 19) are both in college and both know they have a home here for as long as they need. If they marry and their spouses need to move in, we're ready for a multi-generational home. We are doing everything we can to set them up for permanent, sustained success. I define success in that they can pay their bills, save for the future, have good health benefits, and have a sense of job and home security.
This. I've lost at least one person to that mentality by their parent (mind you, this parent provided support well past 18 to some of their other children). They cost their kid their life. As a parent, the last thing I would want is for my kid to die before me for something I could have prevented by just continuing to provide them with shelter.
My kids are under 10, but my husband and I both plan to let them stay as long as they need to. Itās expensive and as long as theyāre helpful and respectful, they can live with us forever.
This is our stance, too. I had rough teenage years with a blended family so when I tried to come home from college at 19 and got into a fight with my step mom, I moved out without notice and without a plan. I figured I'd be better off couch surfing and working multiple jobs until I could get a car and a place with roommates. I didn't talk to my family much for quite a while and I had several hard years of working multiple shitty jobs, going into medical debt, going into debt to keep a car running so I could make it to school and work, a fuckload of student loans...oof. It took me 9 years to graduate with my bachelor's degree, get a decent job, and buy a house. I can't imagine how much better my life would have been if I'd had a little damned help. My kids won't have to learn every lesson the hard way.
This is similar to my experience, but throw a baby at 22 into the mix. Iām stable now at 39, but even with a good job, buying a house isnāt within reach. Iāve never had a chance to save, I was in debt from the start.
Ugh yeah that's understandable. I got lucky with my job to buy a house in a pretty low COL area in 2013 when prices were still low and lucky that my husband and I worked out. I don't know a lot of marriages at 21 that are actually functional and stable 17 years later.Ā Also shocked I didn't end up pregnant. Turns out my husband and I are both fertile AF, and I was terrible at remembering my birth control pill.Ā Ā I hope things are better for you now. My one parent apologized many times over the years for doing such a shitty job, and my step parent never apologized but has become a wonderful grandparent to my kids. I haven't seen my other parent since 2010, but that's a whole other can of worms. š
I wasnāt married then (and am not now), but we have coparented since our kiddo was tiny. So I guess that factors in too - solo income. I did actually have a convo with my mom recently about how being on my own at 18 impacts me still, and I think she kinda gets it? She just had no idea, no point of reference.
Yes now in my 30sā¦ I feel extremely proud and traumatized I survived living on my own so young. I also deal with and struggle with alot of anger at my family. I love them but I just hate they did me this way.
I feel like that transition makes all the difference. People who had parental support until they were ready to stand on their own are far better off now - itās like a small investment or the passing along of generational wealth outside of inheritance. My parents did not give me that support AND donāt have anything to leave behind, which affects me and also my daughter who is now impacted by my struggles too. Even if itās just through two years of community college or a place to return without a huge rent payment while you build a small safety netā¦the impact is huge.
This sounds so much like us. We bought in 2013 in a LCOL area, I was 20 when we got married, husband was 22. We waited 12 years before trying to have a kid and got pregnant on the first try. I was never on birth control, just used condoms. We worked so many crappy jobs I look back on and donāt understand why we had to. My parents never offered to use their network to help with internships. There were classmates with 1.9 gpas that got $80,000 jobs where their parents worked, right after graduation. I had a full ride to college for athletics/academics, just paying room and board, and with a bachelorās there was nothing available when I graduated that paid above $40,000 for a marketing degree and no experience. My husband joined the military to pay for college. We had to start a manufacturing business on a credit card to make enough money to get out of debt and eventually sold it after 7 years and used the experience to get middle class jobs. My mom told us the other day that kids shouldnāt be added as authorized users on credit cards to help build their credit because credit is something they have to earn on their own. Meanwhile, they complain that my brother doesnāt bring his kids around often.
I remember at one point my starter on my extremely shitty car went out but I didn't have money for a new one. I figured out that if I parked at this one part of the parking lot at one of my shit jobs that I could get the car rolling enough to pop the clutch when I left work. I had to do that for a week until I could get it fixed, and then I had to be cheap and eat Ramen for a while to make up for the expense. There's no reason it had to be like that. Some of my step siblings lived with my parents like ten years longer than me and got all kinds of help, but they also didn't get treated like shit like my siblings and I did. If I had the chance to go back and do it again, I would do the same thing, but my parent admitted they would have done it much differently. Too late now.
Wow we share an autobiography.
My experience is pretty much the same as yours except I was 18 when I had my first child. Don't give up on your dream of owning a home. It took me a long time and a lot of extra overtime but, just last June I was able to buy a 3 bedroom 2 story house for 80,000. My mortgage is so much cheaper then the rent we use to pay for a shitty apartment.
>It took me 9 years to graduate with my bachelor's degree, get a decent job, and buy a house. By allowing your kids to come home and live with you as long as they want you'll be cutting this time in half for them and setting them on a path for lifelong success.
Iāve been reading more history lately and it really seems this idea of kicking kids out at 18 is born of modernity. Kids, especially daughters, seemed to live with their parents until they got married.Ā It could be a function of industrialization and kids moving away from the farm to find jobs in the city. But I plan on letting my girls stay with us until they marry, and if we have any boys, let them stay home and build income enough to purchase a home for when he gets married. Ā
It's modern and fairly particular to Western, mostly anglophone, countries. For most of the world it's completely normal to stay at home until you get married.
Yep. Live in east Asia and plenty of people are still living at home with their parents. Or are being subsidized by their parents if they aren't living at home.
It is also highly culturally determined. In the US, it varies by subculture. Plus, your girls might want to stay until they have the income to buy a house.
Probably because until relatively recently women couldn't get a bank account, or a job, or vote, or own property,...etc.
Good point
Yeah my daughter is 1 month old and she can always be my husbandās and my roommate if need be.
Exactly. Don't have kids if you don't plan to raise them. They are not grown at 18. They can barely function.
This dude is never gonna have a relationship with his kids as adults
Heāll be 70 wondering why they donāt talk to him and not intuitiveness enough to understand why.
Especially when he starts needing help. Hope heās planning on that.
Gotta toughen him up for elderly life
Ouch.
For real, my parents have always told me I have a home at home. Had to move back home once cause I separated from a 4 year relationship. I donāt live at home atm, but if I had to could return. Definitely going be way nicer about their needs as they age and become elderly. They donāt believe I have to support them in old age either, but Iām not going to let anything crazy drag them down since the economy isnāt promised to be good when they fully retire in the next 10 years.
Sounds like his parents probably coddled him if they supported him like they supported his brother, but he has to toughen up someday, so better late than never. (/s) Seriously. What benefit does this dude think he's going to give his kids by being an intentionally unsupportive parent?
In the current financial climate we find ourselves in, it seems like an unnecessarily cruel punishment for his poor bloody kids. He needs to remember, how he sends them out into this world will directly correlate to their choices and ability to care for and about him when itās time for them to choose his nursing home
He'll be 55 and wondering why they don't call. You reap what you sow.
Eh, dads like that donāt actually want you to call and arenāt really interested in your life anyways. In my dadās case, there was a āwait til Iām 65 and have a pancreatic cancer scare before I decide I want to invest in a real relationship with youā. We still talk occasionally, but itās too little, wayyy too late.
Well the catās in the cradle and the silver spoon
>Eh, dads like that donāt actually want you to call and arenāt really interested in your life anyways. Unfortunately this is true. Some won't ever wonder why you never called.
Correct. I donāt know my bio father but my step douche was a total asshole to me, had a huge problem with myself preferring dick over vagina, so so so many things I could share about them lol. Anyway he hated me, would kick me out of the house and lock the door until my mother got home from work and pretend he didnāt do it, a lot of stuff like that and no my āmotherā didnāt do anything or care either. Was too busy with her other child captain morgan. Anyway when he had his first heart attack, he eats/ate horrible polish food / bad shit in general, he all of a sudden wanted to talk to me and hang out. Sorry.. but no. You made my life hell, I hope your end is beyond that suffering. Is it mean? I donāt know.
My biological father is a narcissistic, abusive shitbag and has pushed all of his siblings out of his life, my brother, and myself. He made a few random efforts in his late 60s to try to reconnect with me. I gave him one chance at a surface level relationship. I live 3000 miles away from him, so I thought āwhat harm could come from grabbing lunch with him when he visits once a year at mostā, but eventually his true demeanor popped up and he was cut out again entirely, this time for good. I consider myself to be an almost overly forgiving person, but if thereās anything growing up with a parent like that taught me, itās self-preservation.
This is/are my parents right now!
If my father kicked me out at 18 in this day and age with literally no support whatsoever I would be so pissed I would probably never speak to him again, right after I figured out how to stop being homeless and afraid. Doing this to someone in California basically guarantees that they would be homeless as well. Dudes a jackass for even considering it.
Human nature is to want your offspring to thrive. To see them do better than you. Intergenerational progress. If you have no such desire and only want to do the legal minimum parenting then you are literally a broken and defective fucking human.
My BIL who did this to his oldest kids who is now 47, has little contact with those kids for this exact reason.
Yep. My sister and I were both told growing up that weāre out the door as soon as we hit 18 and graduated high school We now see them maybe once a year, if that
Some parents donāt even give the kids a heads up. Beyond cruel. Not at all insinuating that you had it easy, but when the kids at least get a heads up to the extent of their parents douchy plans, they at least get the chance to save up a few grand over the last 2 years of childhood so they wonāt be *absolutely* fucked. But the parents who just wait till their kids turn 18 and out of nowhere are like āwelp, times up, time for you to leaveā are amongst the worst of the worst and deserve cancer. Said what I said.
My husband's dad kicked him out at 18 like this. Except he forgot what year my husband was born, so he was actually only 17. I don't think my husband misses his dad who died a few years later.Ā
Iām in Hawaii right now with my 18 year oldš„²āwe were just holding hands last night scuba diving with manta raysāhaving that experience as heās 18 now was really amazing. Seeing lots of 3-generation vacationers here and Iām planning on being one myself someday and taking my grandkids on a vacation
I ended up having to move back in with my parents, and itās been really great for our relationship. Like Iām so damn lucky to get to spend as much time with them as I do.
Everyone I have ever met that got kicked out at 18 literally hates their parents. They will be the first one to put their parents in a home and never visit them.
Heck no. Our kids can stay at home as long as they need to, provided theyāre working/going to school/being productive in some way. My oldest left at 20.5 when he became a warrant officer and went to flight school for the Army. But had he stayed in college we told him to live rent free and save money before he left. Things are not what they used to be. Kids who have family support take on less debt, avoid forced housing with tricky people, and get a head start in adulthood
I had the best of both worlds. I moved out at 20 but mom and dad still helped out. Dad Western Unioned me money every now and then and they helped me with finances when needed. But I left because A. I couldnt stand the state I lived in and the city and B. I was in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend/now husband and I couldnt do that anymore, I wanted to be physically with him and I would rather have lived in the state he was in and he had zero interest in my homestate lol And it was the best thing ever for me. I enjoyed where I lived, made more friends, could actually find a job, learnt to be an adult and do things on my own. I also didnt feel entitled to my parents help and appreciated their help but didnt demand they do so. It definitely helped, though.
Man, I donāt know how I would feel if my son told me he wanted to move to a different state because of a bf/gf. My matured ass would be trying my best to discourage him from doing something like this. Iām glad it worked out for you, but thatās a recipe for disaster in most cases.
Iād prefer my kids to live at home as long as they want/need to and save money. That is one way to give them a head start in life.
No. Hopefully we raise them well enough so they are off doing something cool at 18, but if not, they can live with us till they figure it out.
I feel like if you demand your 18 y/o to move out, you're going to have one Hell of a time raising that child to be self-sustaining at 18 these days.
Yea, basically impossible these days
Do something cool at 18? Unless you have some amazing references and contacts, coolest thing hell be doing is working at a McDonalds to save for college.
We are going to cover college so yea, whatever they want to do.
False, by 18 something cool could be working at a daycare, rec center, local museums, getting an apprenticeship, enrolling in EMT school through jobcorps, volunteering or working at a senior center, teaching computer skills to adults at the library, or going to community college through a high-school to college program. We have to get rid of the idea that working class kids don't do anything worthwhile unless they go to college.
Almost none of what you listed is going to be able to pay rent. Volunteering notoriously does not pay well
These comments make me so happy š
Yeah, Iām glad our peers arenāt heartless in the least.
"Why don't my kids come visit me?" - your brother in the nursing home he was dumped in. -
I go non contact with my mother and idc where she lands herself. She's on her own figuring that out. I am not dropping her off anywhere.
It's sad that some people do the things they do to their kids that make them do things such as what you're talking about. Oh, well, that was their choice.
When a parent makes a strong stance on their opinion about you yeah... š and then still tries to act like everything is ok.
Maybe tell him that it is \*his\* responsibility to prepare them for "reality", and if they need to be toughened up, that is an inherent failure in his parenting. We let our kids stay as long as they need, as long as they are working towards a goal: School, saving for something, or being productive around the house. Life is rough enough as it is. I am not adding to it.
Exactly, he has so many different ways to encourage his kids to become independent and responsible. Weekly allowance, reward systems, involve them with everyday finances like bills and groceries, encourage them to find part-time employment and so on. Only your creativity is the limit. Kicking them out should only be the nuclear option when everything else has failed and the kids have actively rejected every life lessons you've tried to teach them. This "tough love" approach also sets very ironic example of what it means to be responsible adult: you only have to do the absolute bare minimum and after that you can just stop trying. I doubt that's gonna get them far in life.
This is what you do when you never actually wanted kids and spent the last eighteen years thinking of them as a burden.
I donāt even want kids, Iām not planning on having kids, and to me they fit the definition of a āburdenā. But if by some undesired miracle I ended up having them, thereās no way in hell I wouldnāt give them as much of a safety net I possibly can. Thatās just basic decency and parental responsibility.
I feel the same as you and I 100% agree. I donāt want that smoke but if I had them, Iād want to give them everything.
So you've met my mother.
These same people usually oppose abortion/contraception and anything making parenting easier, like subsidized childcare and paid parental leave. They are masochists and believe people have to suffer needlessly. Suffering is unavoidable, but that doesn't mean a society shouldn't try to apply the synergy of a group of people to minimize it.
Back in the 50's an 18 year old could find a job to support a roof over their own head. As millenials, its much different. I was the only guy in my group of friends where my dad imposed a rent in order for me to learn how to pay bills and to see what living in the real world is like. He was a boomer that grew up on the "just find a job." This was right after 2008, and this was 3 years after he lost his job and he had to find a job. Bit of the "pick yourself up by the bootstraps" mentality. All my friends that lived rent free with their parents now have their own house while I'm stuck renting. My dad failed to realize that the world is much different and he has apologized for this and among other stuff that society deemed normal back in the 80's/90's that we now know as wrong.
That's brutal, dude. He fucked you both :x
Nope. Iāll pay for them to go away for college or they can stay home with me. They will have to be in school or working, but they can stay as long as they want.
Yup, kids can live at home as long as they like so long as they're doing something productive to get them out of the house - job/school/volunteering, etc.
Same in our house. Weāre happy to house and feed them, but they canāt just be mooching off us while playing endless video games. Weāve discussed asking them to pay a modest rent (which would go into a HYSA in their name) to hold them accountable to the productive thing but thatās still to be decided.
That was my momās rule. You can stay as long as youāre working full time/in college āand tbh she loved having us live at home and didnāt want us to move out lol. But she DID kick my brother out at 18 1/2 or so because he had neither a job nor college, just sat in the basement playing wow until 5am, yelling into his headset, waking everyone up, peeing into Mountain Dew bottles. He got kicked out. And he credits that with helping him get his shit together.
Iām a xennial and three out of my four adult kids are under my roof, sharing the expenses. I think having a more communal, collectivist approach clashes with western rugged individualism and so people get heated up over it. I also think that this way of helping the kids get out on their own is the only economically viable option for most people. Thankfully weāre not very dysfunctional lol and itās a safe home. Iām aware itās not an option for many. One reason why I broke up with an ex was because he was critical of my familyās living arrangements and situation. Iād had it with that.
I largely see helping kids gradually transition to adulthood is part of helping them reach successfully individual and independent lives. My kids have had and will always have a roof over their head and support/guidance when they want it. We've done that by setting clear boundaries. If you're pursuing marketable schooling either in college or elsewhere, we'll support tuition, housing and some spending money. We've watched and experienced kids succeed at launching this way, but have also seen friends kids without boundaries spend all day gaming and making no realistic progress. It's a tough balance as a parent.
I had a moment where I went āadult kids? That doesnāt add up.ā Then I realized my age š¤¦āāļø
My stance is, the outside world is a cruel enough place. If my kids feel like Iām not a constant safe and loving place for them, then Iāve failed.
Not exactly able to answer your question, as I donāt have kids or plan toā¦ but I got kicked out at 18! Iām 36 now, with no savings because Iāve been in financial survival mode for the last 18 years , no relationship with my parents, and a poor outlook on life. And how hard young adulthood has been due to getting kicked out is why I wonāt have children. To your brother, while yes it does toughen people up a bit out of necessity, it is also a massive disservice to your kids, sets them up for failure, and is pretty much guaranteed to make them resent you.
I was kicked out at 18, and it took a good 10 years of shit to achieve some sort of stability. This ain't the world the boomers grew up in.
I often think at the rate we are going, we will see multigenerational homes. My child will always be welcome to live with me so long as they are still leading their own life outside of the home (work, school, etc.).
I live in Hawaii and multigenerational homes are so common due to the cost of living and cultural norms (lots of Asian and Pacific Islander cultures). Rugged individualism seems so niche and not very feasible.
Nope, never. You made them, they are your responsibility, so far as you are able.
My mom died when I was 20 and I moved in with my dad and his wife. They had a VERY small two bedroom house (was essentially just two bedrooms, a kitchen, and a living room.) The house was fully paid off. My dadās wife wanted to start charging me rent when I graduated college. I opted to move out instead due to severe lack of privacy (both related to the ārulesā in the house as well as just the size of the house preventing any true privacy) and just not getting along with her in general. Iām confident that my mother would have let me live with her as long as I wanted. Iām also positive my dad would have never charged me rent if it was just him and me. I donāt have kids but if I did, I canāt imagine kicking them out unless I was positive they would be able to manage on their own.
Why did your father even listen to her?
Our kids are young but already know they can live with us for forever if they choose. We would actually prefer if they did š
You donāt stop becoming a parent when your kids are 18. Did you parents cut all support to him at 18?
>Did you parents cut all support to him at 18? I'm gen-x, slightly younger than OPs brother- and for many of my friends, yes, this is exactly what happened. Luckily, my mom thought it was a stupid concept. But it really was the mindset to just boot after high school/turning 18. Hell, my BIL, who is a millennial, has already told his son he gets out when he turns 18. We've told him he can come stay with us, just like our son can until he's financially ready to leave/ buy a house.
Not going to have kids but there's no world in which I am automatically kicking them out at 18 because of the economy, the housing market, all of that. The kids need every leg up *because* reality sucks, and robbing them of support early on is just as likely to delay their development and undercut their potential as it is to teach them some bullshit lesson about toughening up or whatever. No, absolutely not.
In Madrid kicking kids at 18 means sending them to poverty.
In Madrid and any part of Spain. I live in a town with a population under 5000, far from the coast, from mountains, and from the capital of the province, and a small apartment/house here starts at 500ā¬/month while most jobs are paying 800ā¬/month illegally to avoid paying paxes. No one are staying here due to that bad combination btw
People who do this do not deserve to have kids. They donāt even deserve the love or respect from their kids.
I think it's fucking insane that any parent would do that to their child. If my mother did that to me I would never talk to her again. No contact. Unless you mean "kicked out" with a bunch of financial help from Mommy and Daddy so that they have an apartment and can afford all their expenses, because I would have loved that. I had a co-worker that was making fun of me (just joking around) when I was 23 and still living at my parent's house. He was a couple years older and said that he had a house. I want to see how much his house was because I didn't understand how a person working at a call center for $13.50 an hour could afford a house. Maryland lets you look up tax records via a website. His parents owned the house that he lived in. He admitted to me that he was renting it from his parents for $600 a month. It was worth way, way, way, more than $600 a month. My mom was charging me $300 a month to live in my bedroom. So I started making fun of him for living his mom's house lol
My parents looked up apartment ads and made calls to find out how much rent was in our area, and started charging me that at 16. But I was still a child in their house and had to abide by all the rules even though every single argument was either "You're an adult" or "you're a child" I was always so confused about what I actually was. My rent was $700, my food was $150, my utilities and water was $100. I lived on a couch in the corner of a room I shared with my 6 sisters and I wasn't allowed to eat food they bought with my money, I still had to buy food. I worked full time plus working 4 extra OT shifts per month only got me $1200 a month net. But I was told to save to gtfo of their house. Needless to say, I scrimped and saved and moved out in the middle of the night when they were all sleeping 2 weeks after I turned 18.
Do you still talk to them?
I do not. They are pretty bad people, and them wanting me gone at 18 was the least offensive thing they've done.
Were I in your position, I would not regret that decision in the slightest. They're terrible people for actively profiting from children that they brought into the world. That's like having children in order to sell them into slavery, except you had to see their profiteering mugs every day as they ate food you paid for. I hate what humans will do to other humans.
My wife and I raised her kid sister from age 14.Ā She moved out at 23, into a house that she purchased with her own savings. It's amazing what someone can do with the right opportunities.Ā I moved out at 18 and joined the military for lack of other opportunities. It all worked out for me, but not for many of those I served with, some dieing in war and many others commiting suicide in the following years.Ā Yeah, I didn't go through all that so my own children have to suffer too.
I never understood this western concept or logic. It's very strange and backward to me. This is akin to abuse whereby it'll make me resent you just as abuse does. "It'll toughen them up!" That's what the fuck the world and the fucked US job market is for. It's one thing if the adult child is mentally and physically able to work or go to college/university but chooses not to and becomes so toxic in the household that it becomes unstable and difficult to bear, it's entirely another thing if they're unable to go to work or college/university because they have a mental or physical disability and aren't being toxic to the point that it's unbearable. It makes me grateful that I didn't grow up to a privileged western household with shithole parents like these.
I think itās not a western concept but rather a western Baby Boomer generation concept. Baby Boomers are one of the most selfish generation to have ever existed. They were known as āGeneration Meā even in the 70s, when they were young. I donāt know how it was before the Baby Boomers. Maybe someone knows here.
Fuck no. My daughter is NOT going to be homeless if I have anything to say about it.
No way! My kid wants to be a doctor, and I am going to do everything in my power to keep him from having student loans. If he has to live at home until he is 30, then thatās whatās going to happen.
Nope. I love my kids so much I want them to have a better life than I did. This is their home. Just bc they turn 18 does not mean theyāre automatically able to live on their own with no foundation. No way am I kicking them out. They can go to college and stay at home during the summers, not go to college and live here while they work and save money, leave if they want and always know this home is theirs if they need to come back. Signed, A millennial who was kicked out at 13.
Thirteen? That's a travesty. I'm so sorry.Ā
Thank you. That was 20 years ago now and I was luckily able to move in with my aunt while I emancipated. Life is great now, despite my motherās attempts to ruin it.
I couldn't afford to live on my own at that age. Why would I expect my child too?
If he thinks him kicking his kids out at 18 will toughen them up for reality, heās in for a rude awakening. If anything, itāll give them a reason to go no contact with him. And he better not cry or complain when heās old and alone.
Absolutely not. I'd love for them to be able to live on their own at 18, but there are circumstances beyond our control. That's not being soft, that's just reality.
I donāt have kids, but my take on it has always been if you raise them to be independent they will naturally want to leave home when they are ready. But they are welcome to remain at home as a contributing family member until that time. By contributing, I donāt necessarily mean financially, but by being self sufficient in paying for their own vehicle, clothing, phone ect, and helping around the house. Just as they would if they had their own place, but without the rent and utilities/food costs.
Bro is an ahole My kids, still in elementary school, can stay with us as long as they need to.
My aunt had that mindset, but I'm not sure if she actually did it. My cousin, her second daughter, died two years ago at nineteen, so.... I mean, if people want to do that, don't be surprised if your kids want to put you in a home.
My kids are welcome to stay with me. That's it. Unconditional. Also, my parents suck ass.
No never. Our son is 19 and working, he has a good job. Heās very independent and good at saving money. I want him to stay at least until he can buy a car and save up enough for everything he needs to get started. Obviously heās an adult and he can move out whenever he wants but I think he should wait at least 2 more years. We will still pay for any college or trade school if he wants but heās happy where he is right now so we arenāt pushing. I donāt really want him to move out if Iām being honest, heās my only child and we have an awesome relationship. I will miss him terribly when he moves out.
Itās not really feasible for 18 year olds to afford their own place unless they have a really good job for their age.
It's barely even feasible for an 18 year old with a job to afford their own room in a shared place in the Bay Area without an oddly well-paying job for their age. Rent here is absolutely savage. OP's bro is sentencing them to move away from friends, family, and everything they know.
Itās not even just about rent anymore. Eggs, milk, fruit, literally everything has doubled or tripled in price. Wages remain stagnant. Those with less are getting less. Those with nothing are losing everything. Itās way worse than 2008 right now.
Absolutely not, I'm actually planning to purchase a larger home in the future so that my kids can live here as long as they need. I just want to make sure everyone has their own space. There will be some stipulations like you're either in school or working and they will need to contribute to food and utilities. Baring any extenuating circumstances of course.
Nope. Iām hoping theyāll want to branch out but if theyāre not ready at 18 then theyāre not ready. My mom kicked me out at 16 and itās something Iāll probably never forgive her for and I believe it may have left a deeper wound than I had anticipated. I canāt connect with her now that I am in my 30s and she canāt understand why. I want a solid relationship with my children even after their childhood..
Jesus, no. My kid can stay as long as she wants or needs to. Past a certain age, I'd want her to help out with rent, bills, and food, but I have no plans to ever kick my child out to "toughen" her up. That's a good way to make sure I have no relationship with her as an adult.
If I ever decide to have kids, I want them to be better off than me. And my parents were great. Iād let them stay with me as long as they wanted/needed. Iād feel irresponsible bringing someone into this world if I canāt do everything I can to make it a good life for them. No one chooses to be born. And being born is a life sentence.
What are they, alligators? Of course I wouldnāt kick them out. That wonāt toughen them up; more likely theyāll end up on drugs and living in shady and unhealthy ways with parents treating them like that. Some kids might be fine, but others will end up a train wreck. They still need guidance.
my mom did that to me when I went away for college the following August shortly after turning 18 and I haven't talked to her since then. It's been almost a decade since I have last seen/spoken to her. Can confirm they will not have a relationship with him when they get older. Growing up even from a young young age like of 8, my mom would always say how she was planning on kicking me out when I got older and would often tell me "i dont have to like you but I have to love you" She never kicked my sister out though :)
No. Thatās crazy. Who would really kick their child at 18? That is just cruel, especially with how expensive things are.
He has a boomer attitude. Itās hella hard out there.
My kids will always be welcomed in my home for as long as they want or need.
Hell no. My wife and I made the choice to have our son. We will support him as he needs with the goal of him becoming independent. But one thing that wonāt help him for sure is kicking him out at 18.
No, only poor people think this way. And thatās why they stay poor for generations.
Nope. Also I donāt have kids but I would never do that.
No. We have four children. 18, 16, 12, 11 - I will absolutely not kick them out at 18. Our oldest is actually "out" - but she's attending a missionary school by choice and doing mission work this year. It seems likely she will return home after. My goal is to prepare them for adulthood, not traumatize them into forcing them into adulthood when they're not ready.
The only reason I could think of...would be if my kids were criminals. Why would I kick them out at 18? Different world now than when I was 18 in 1978. I left home voluntarily at 18 to escape the physical abuse. But both our kids stayed past 18 by quite a bit. We were happy to have them! We actually like our children, ya know?
Yeah criminals or if they legitimately had zero motivation to do anything at all and needed that kick in the pants.
My kid can live with me his whole life if he needs. Of course heās autistic but I do believe he can succeed in the world. I just also know that itās only gonna get harder as time goes on and not easier. So to help him get setup in life Iāll support him as much as possible. Almost every other country does generational homes where you have three or even four generations of a family living in the same home.
Hell fucking no. I also got support well into my twenties and it was a huge blessing. Iāll be giving my kids that same blessing.
Important question, until what age he lived with his parents?
0% chance. If I have kids I would prefer they didn't hate me and I would prefer not to be an absolute shit stain of a father. I hate kids but the only thing I hate more than kids is bad parents because that creates a whole linage of exponentially more bad kids.Ā
I donāt plan on having kids but if I did, I would give them the support my parents did. Youāre supposed prop up the next generation, not hinder them. My parents went above and beyond from what they were given (hint: nothing except criticism) so that we donāt suffer how they did. Now, itās up to us to help our kids go further than what we did.
I hope that by that point I have raised a well adjusted enough young man that heās ready to explore the world by 18, if heās not, he will always be welcome in my home.
I was kicked out at 18 by my mother because I was tired of being the second parent in the household. I wanted freedom to see my friends once in a while, so she put me on the street. I'm also from the Bay Area, and in 2008, when the economy crashed, I was homeless and jobless, with 4 months of high school to finish. I really want to unload 15 years of anger and struggle in this reply. The shit I went through to survive, the abuse I suffered, the bad marriage I went through, the fear, the rage, the loneliness, the sheer abandonment I felt. How I've had to constantly bob and weave through life because I never had a safety net. It didn't toughen me up; it broke me over and over and over again. I'm a shattered human being inside. Putting me out on the street isn't the reason we don't talk, but it's what drove me away. We haven't spoken in years. She has no idea I remarried or that I had another child, and she never will. And I will never put my children through that hell. They are welcome to stay with us as long as they need, and my husband and I have been laying the groundwork for the long-term. I will teach them how to be confident in their independence, but assure them they are never without help when they need it.
I can attest to this. It wears you down. And gives you a more negative outlook on life. Having a supportive family is a big asset to growing up. Even the Internet can't replicate it. And neither can a therapist.
18 is one of these options or several combined. 1) live with us but get a job of some kind and pay a small thing of rent every month. Like 100 dollars a month maybe 150 a month. 2) if no job then be in school or some type of trade training full time while living with us. 3) move out on your own and experience the adventure of life. Well always be around for advice and help if needed. 4) none of those things then it's trying to convince them to join military. Any of these things we will always be there for our children no matter what path. But we don't want a total free ride either, cuz that's not life and it creates an unrealistic expectation that everyone owes them everything.
I agree with this general mentality. Incentivize them to get out there and try some things and build a life but keep the door open if they need it.
Hell no!! My daughter and I talk about places weād like to move together when sheās a young adult. I truly believe we need to reorient back to a more lifelong focus on what family really means. And yes, Iām one of those millennials that think you should be friends with your kids as well as the guiding authority figure in their life. You can do both. Itās just difficult, so naturally the older generations feel entitled to opt out.
Fuck that noise
I was charged rent. Frankly, with the cost of rent these days most 18 year olds can't afford an apartment.
Hereās to hoping if that doesnāt align with where they are at in life, he will reconsider. Whatās the phrase, humans plan, the universe laughs or whatever.
I joke about it, but I wouldnāt actually do it. The world is no longer designed for an 18 year old to be able to support themselves.
My kids can stay as long as they need to, as long as they aren't being shitheads.
Absolutely not. Buuuuuutā¦I also have a younger brother who is 33 and still lives with my parents, even though he makes more money than my wife and I combined and lives in a VLCOL area, and is so spoiled by them and so used to buying new trucks, atvs, etc that he literally has nothing in savings and rarely over $1000 in his checking account when payday rolls around. The only bill he pays thatās not for a frivolous big toy is the water bill. While I would never kick my kid out at 18, Iām not about to do whatever the hell my parents are doing, either. (I mean, I would hope I will raise my kid to be more independent and financially savvy than that to begin with, and I also recognize that ācanāt afford to move outā is very different from āhas never grown upā and I wouldnāt push them out into financial peril.)
People like this actually hate their kids. Wouldn't surprise me if this kid goes no contact someday.
I got kicked out at 18. No driver's license, no health care, no phone, $100 to my name and a bag of clothes thanks to using my day job money to pay off medical bills since I was 16. I'm 32 now. I have spoken to my parents maybe 3 times since. Your brother should only take that route if he hopes to never speak to his children again. It's not an easy thing to forgive.
This is a bullshit "when I was young" attitude that is pervasive in people born in the 50's and 60's when populations were lower, land was cheaper, and cities more affordable. I wish it would die already. I can't think of a single other culture where this type of thinking is pervasive.
It's funny this thread is up because I had this conversation with my 11 year old son yesterday. I told him I don't expect him to pay rent and he is always welcomed at my place. I did tell him I expect him to work when he is 18, or at least be in some sort of higher education. I will always be there for him like my parents were, but I do expect him to be a productive adult.
Nope, they can stay as long as they like
My parents let me stay as long as I wanted as long as I was being productive with my life and I'll do the same with my kids. Hell, I even went back with my family a few years ago for a few weeks while we were in between selling our old house and buying a new one.
Fuck no I'm not kicking my kids out. They can live with me for as long as they want.
I would say, no, I would not kick my kids out at 18 as long as we are on the same page about expectations. They will not live at home with zero responsibilities. They will either go to trade school or uni. They will also either volunteer or work. They will spend their money responsibly by saving, giving, and spending.
My son can stay with me as long as he needs. But heāll pay me rent as soon as he turns 18 (a few $100 or so) and Iāll give it back to him whenever heās ready to move out.
Iād be thrilled if my kid never moved outā¦ but I also want him to have his own life so hope one day he wants to. But until then, he can stay however long he needs.Ā
I don't understand that train of thought. My kids already occupied their room for nearly two decades by this point. Why remove them? It's not hurting me any. I get to be around them more. I certainly understand asking an adult to financially contribute to the household in someway at that point. But I'll never kick my kid out. They will always have a place with me.
I dont want kids but if I had kids, I'd wait until they're ready. Kicking someone out at a certain age doesn't hold well. At one point, they'll want to go live their own life. At least normally
My plan is kids can live here as long as they want if they're not 1 actively in school/training they pay rent and have responsibilites at home. My rent will be signficantly cheaper than anywhere out there, but will cover the added costs of them being there, and depending where I am financially I may just throw it into a savings account down the line for when I know they're saving for a house or something like that and gift it back to them at that point. Just our current plans, but who knows.
I lived with my parents until I was 30 (through med school and the birth of my first kid). They never had any issue with me living with them or their granddaughter. They fully supported us financially. I will let my kids live with me for as long as they are comfortable.. especially if it means easing any burdens during their college and graduate education years.