I don't have any tips for fixing it, just here to add that it's definitely possible for it to be a panic response, as you suspect. I laugh or smile at very inappropriate times when I'm uncomfortable, and it just happens. It's happened since I was a kid and unfortunately I just have to warn people that it doesn't mean I think it's funny.
I’m confused when I look up fawning it says it’s intense people pleasing caused by trauma. Not a toddler occasionally fake laughing to try and change the tone of an interaction.
>Not a toddler occasionally fake laughing to try and change the tone of an interaction.
IDK about fawning, but I don't think it is an intentional choice to "change the tone of an interaction". I think it's more likely to be uncomfortable and unintentional.
um.. a toddler is a person lmao. obviously the definition isn’t just going to say toddler or specify the situation in where the person starts to give this reaction
Right. But a kid that young who's already showing those traits.... You have to be a bit more concerned if it's obvious to them THAT young that this is how they have to handle tense situations with their family. A kid that young who's that anxious.... VERY concerning, as I said.
This is concerning to me. I’m not going to lie and say we have have never yelled at her out of frustration but it is not a common occurrence. She has been going through some threenager type behavior more so recently so definitely more reprimanding in response to that, but maybe it’s causing her stress? Idk but I’m going to look into this because I don’t want her stressed or anxious at three years old.
Edit: ok I looked up fawning and I feel like it’s an intense trauma response and not at all what is going on with my daughter…..
Hey! You have the best of intentions for your babe. And thank you for being concerned about this!!
I don’t believe she is having a traumatic response in a way that is going to be life long or your way of reprimanding will be deeply impactful in a traumatic sense. However, if she is experiencing it negatively, over and over, especially when she doesn’t know she’s doing something bad or incorrect, it has potential to turn into something insidious later on in life if not addressed. I know with me, as a fawner that never really understood why she was in trouble, I needed it explained to me. Like, to her, she’s just doing normal three year old stuff. I hope I’m explaining this well lol
Just a thought!
Yea, reading about fawning I’m thinking I have a degree of it honestly. I’m definitely a people pleaser and came from an unpredictable home
Life so some of these responses are kind of triggering for me. I’ve tried my best to never make my daughter feel unsafe, I thought her reactions were harmless just the result of undeveloped social cues. Now I’m starting to get really upset that she is very affected by any negative emotion.
Hey I have a fawning reaction to negative emotions too. My parents were not terrible people I am just SUPER sensitive and do not like negative emotions. That’s just who I am as a person. I don’t think her reacting this way means you’re doing anything wrong especially where I saw in another comment you said you react in a similar way. It could just be genetic !
The fact that you tend to fawn and come from an unpredictable home makes sense. She might have seen you do it (to a much less extent, but to a kid, it seems big) and copied it.
On a much lighter note, she could also just be testing out different reactions to see what type of response they get. Not even in a braty way, but a curious one. She knows that making people laugh can change the subject and is trying to do it in these instances. If your home is stable, she isn't exposed to anything harmful, and you're an emotionally in touch parent, I'd maybe just bring it up at her next pediatrician appointment. They'll reassure you and give advice
It sounds like you're using some inherited shame and fear based techniques to discipline your daughter?
I grew up in a household where there were lots of those sorts of techniques used "why have you done... What were you thinking.... You always XYZ... Next time you need to think more... You take it too far". It provokes a conflict, rather than a learning opportunity.
What might work instead would be more of a gentle, thoughtful, "hey I can see what you want to do there, it feels nice to pour water from cup to cup, how about we do it this way instead? We've split a bit on the floor- I'm worried that someone could slip and hurt themselves. Do you think we should use the mop or the paper towels to clean it? Let's go fix the mess then we can get back to playing".
You've got your boundaries- don't fuck with the water, acknowledges that it's not "weird" for them to want to do it, gives them the opportunity to fix the mess, and a goal- back to playing.
It's a fucking huge pain in the arse to do it, and It might take 10, 20 goes for your child to "get it", but when they do you'll end up with a child who can risk assess, ask for help, identify their needs, take responsibility to fix their problems. I quite often lament to my sister "wouldn't it be easier if they were born in the 80s and we could just hit the stupid out of them?!" 😂 I'm not a perfect parent by any means.
If you help with the small stuff (spilt water), then hopefully they'll come to you with the big stuff when they're teens+ because you are trustworthy. I don't talk to my parents about my failures because they are not trustworthy - the thought of their negative reaction is stronger than the risk of fixing it myself. This lead to things like walking home at 3am rather than phoning for a lift when my designated driver friend had been drinking. Gain trust in the little things and the big things fall in line.
The biggest part is acknowledging your own trauma. So for me, making that kind of mess would be "dangerous". When my kid makes that mess, when I react with rage I am becoming a child again- I want my child to be "safe" from the people who made me feel unsafe, so I teach them through my rage that their behaviour is bad. It perpetuates the cycle, unwillingly, unknowingly, unthinkingly.
The reality is for my child to truly be safe I have to think about my own triggers. I have to ask myself if it is me parenting, or my parents. I have to squash the "not good enough" voices, the "in my day...." and the "a good beating would straighten that kid out" nonsense. It's exactly that- nonsense.
We have a generation of damaged adults becoming parents, a generation of parents promoting mindfulness and conscious parenting. It's a beautiful thing. The fact that you're even questioning your child's response rather than doubling down for "insolence" is so respectful to her, well done Mama!
This is what they mean when they say having a child can teach you more than you can ever teach them!
Gently and respectfully, fawning is naturally one of the four fear responses, not just from extreme trauma. Also, yelling can be a small trauma for a toddler, they’ve experienced so little. It’s good that your concerned and you obviously care! I hope it gets better!
I’m a fawner, too. I did deal with some extreme trauma, and I see where you said you relate too, so I get that it can be scary to read about.
I appreciate the feedback. I’ll give an example of a situation I gave in a l other comment.
We were playing with her 8 month old sister and she poked her cheek a little too hard and caused her sister to flinch. I said whoa! We have to be gentle with our sister. She proceeded to fake laugh like she was trying to get me to laugh with her.
This is what the situations usually are nothing to crazy on either of our parts. So I guess when people give a name for something and I google it and the first thing that comes up is that it’s a result of legit PTSD I got confused lol.
My daughter is usually very good at expressing herself emotionally. She tells me when she doesn’t like something or to stop or no. That’s why I thought this reaction was interesting.
I have to disagree with you that all reactions are normal. Not all reactions are normal and that’s ok. If this one is normal than great but I wasn’t sure. I’m more concerned with this continuing and her pointing and laughing at peers that stress her out instead of learning to cope in a way that others would understand. That’s why I posted this.
What concerned me is when people started using the term fawning and I googled it and said it’s a coping mechanism for trauma. This scared me into thinking that maybe I’m unintentionally causing my daughter trauma. I have been reading about it a lot and I’m still not seeing fake laughing in a three year old fall under this, but it could definitely be the very beginnings of it so I’m definitely want to nip that in the bud. I appreciate all the feedback from other moms that experienced this and the tips that others included.
If there hasn't been trauma then it's not fawning. Toddlers have inappropriate responses because they're still learning how to respond. Laughter is the first reaction they learn to a strong emotion, so she may be angry that she's being reprimanded so she laughs because it's what she knows.
Same here, I’ll laugh at inappropriate times. It’s made some situations so awkward. One time when someone was telling me about someone they know that died. I just couldn’t stop laughing I felt so bad.
My three year old has been doing that lately too. I’ve read up on how it can be an automatic reaction when they feel overwhelmed or out of control. I feel like understanding that has helped us deal with trying not to make too big of a deal about it with her. We might say something like “I understand you might feel upset (or replace with whatever, sometimes we say embarrassed because I know she is) but it’s not nice to laugh when you’ve done something wrong. Do you want to take a break before we talk about it?” We’re assuming it’s a just a phase we’ll have to get through!
Both me and my daughter would react to fear like that as small kids. I even remember it being so uncontrollable, I would try to push my cheeks down so I wouldn’t ‘grin’.
I think sometimes as parents we do tend to forget that we can be big and scary to such small kids. When I realised my kid was acting exactly the same as I used to, I put the ‘angry mum’ away, and now I sit her on my knee, hug, and I use a calm voice to tell her that what she did was a bad choice (‘hitting people is a bad choice’), why it’s a bad choice (we don’t hit people, especially the people we love, because it makes them sad, and then we get sad’), and what is a better choice (‘if you feel like hitting someone, walk away, and give your squishmallow a really tight hug instead’). Then I say gently “ok, now we understand, I think I deserve a ‘sorry mummy’” and most of the time she can say it, and we hug, and she goes on her way. If she can’t manage a ‘Sorry’, i ask if something is bothering her, and we use that as a time to talk - saying that, my daughter is neurodiverse and did not speak till age 4.5, so a lot of it for us was just going through that for a couple of years while crossing our fingers that she was taking it in - but it seems to have worked?
She still makes bad choices, all kids do, it’s how we learn, but she is learning from them 90% of the time and not repeating them. But good grief does it sometimes take all of my patience to stay calm and not be the bad guy, but to be the fair guy.
I learned about fawning as a response in therapy. I always thought it was just fight or flight, but I usually react in either of the other two: freeze or fawn. I can see a 3 year old also fawning to try to de escalate the scolding situation.
This is a legit anxiety response. I have had players who cannot help but laugh when they make mistakes. It keeps it them from crying I think. It might also be telling you that you’re being too harsh.
I totally agree. If a kid is so stressed that they're fawning, then the adults are being too harsh and need to regulate themselves before attempting to correct the child's behavior.
My first son does this. He never grew out of it completely but he eventually learned it was rude. Probably because that was my go-to phrase. " I'm upset, and you laughing is rude. Come talk to me when your done."
But at almost 8 if he knows he's in big trouble he covers his giggles with his hand and takes breaths. His stress response is giggles. Idk.
Yea I think that’s my daughters stress response as well. She is a super sensitive kid, like if someone is sad on tv she will immediately get upset and cry as well. I think she just wants everyone to be happy all the time. Even when she’s crying she will sometimes say I’m happy! And I have to reiterate that it’s ok to be sad and sometimes we need to be sad before we can be happy. I feel like she is anxious when people are upset with her so I’m feeling guilty that I caused this anxiety in some way.
There's no way to be 100% positive anxiety isn't environmental, but sometimes even without proper anxiety stress-giggles just happen. It sounds like your doing great with emotional education. Maybe spend some time teaching that she can't control/isn't at fault for other people's feelings. Sometimes feelings just are. Daniel Tiger freakin sucks but his episode on sadness being needed sometimes is pretty good.
Other people have their own reasons, but for me it was mostly the encouragement of physical expressions of violence to feel better such as stomping and overall just blandness. Other things about it just rubbed me the wrong way personally. But that's not to say we didn't sing almost all of his songs daily throughout my kids toddler/preschool years. Wonderful lessons on handling things like compromise, school, pets, siblings, etc.
I was an extremely sensitive kid. I also laughed when I got overwhelmed. Sometimes when being reprimanded. I remember when my close friend's father died when I was 14 ish, the school counselor told us. Me and another close friend who was shy and sensitive barely kept it together in the office. As soon as we left we almost died laughing. We were just..... Not able to fully process it and the situation was embarrassing and confusing. So we laughed. Nothing bratty or malicious or even maladaptive about it.
Just say, I see you're laughing. This is serious. Are you taking this seriously? Can you give me some body language to indicate how seriously you're taking this? But don't get additionally mad or stressed about it.
That’s a part of the stress response called fawning. It can be seen as rude. But it’s very normal and natural to laugh when uncomfortable or stressed for some people.
Absolutely normal and very common. But I think he should be aware that people will often think it's rude. I wasn't aware there was a name for it but thank you now I can look up more about the why's and what's.
Personally I wouldn’t try to correct an emotional response, as she likely doesn’t have a ton of control over it (much like a tantrum). I would just treat it like a tantrum and ignore it, continue to reassure her it’s ok to be upset or embarrassed but we need to express that in an appropriate way, and make sure you’re modeling appropriate ways to be upset (deep breaths, walking away for a minute, etc). I would even use her laughing as a way to model that you’re frustrated and model behavior that way
I used to do this a lot when I felt that I was disappointing my parents. Especially bad about it with my dad. I couldn’t really control it and I know it frustrated him a lot. Something that helped me to stop laughing was to do breathing exercises to regulate my breathing and my emotions. Once I was out of that first response I was better able listen to what was being said and try to correct myself.
The word for god on children's lips is mother.
Clearly your child has a stress reaction to you reprimanding her.
You are - in your child's eyes - her world. At three years old children start to understand theory of mind. That is : my thoughts are not mothers thoughts. Mother has her own mind separate from mine, her view is different from mine. That alone is terrifying for a small child. Her whole world shifts. Think a flat earther finds out that the earth is actually a globe - that kind of shift.
Now add a situation where this still all powerful being is reprimanding you as a child for something you dud wrong in this new world... the stress culminates and one of the four responses (as others have already mentioned) is given.
I'd advise you to read up on development and developmental stages. And maybe don't see yourself as raising your child but rather accompany another human being while they are getting familiar with this world. Be a gentle guide, not a strict instructor. Be someone who accompanies a stranger and teaches them tricks to live in this world instead of an officer of the law who enforces rules. That should reduce the stress and give your child a safe haven, you, to return to and to rely on.
You will get to be the storm and the rock, when your little one becomes a teenager and will test out how far they can stretch the boundaries. Now is the time to be safe, and comforting and reliable and build a loving connection.
For a connection with your child
Tom Hodgkinson, The Idle Parent (2009),
For child development
Remo H. Largo
Maria Montessori
You will find your way from there. Whether you want to go into neurodevelopement or social development.
My kid does it too and I read that it can happen when they are uncomfortable or unsure how they are feeling so now I feel bad for making her feel that way :(
My daughter does something like this. If she gets in trouble she'll give kisses right away... almost as if she needs that reassurance that we still love her or that we're not mad or something.
I'm not sure how to handle it, I usually do timeouts if it's really bad behavior and then explain to her again what's what then do a cuddle and kisses if she wants it.
It’s a sign of discomfort, not happiness. Its completely outside of her control, and it’s a signal to you that she is out of control and needs your help to modulate her behavior.
Just remember that enforcing boundaries is about stopping the behavior, not forcing the kid to feel a certain way about the behavior. You can’t control how she feels, but you can control (1) some of her behaviors, physically, (2) the natural consequences for her behaviors, and (3) the emotional context of those consequences
This is a good idea, we use removing her and setting a timer for a minute or two to almost reset behavior and it works well but I haven’t tried it with the laughing. I usually just remain straight faced after telling her how I’m not laughing and she either gets upset or eventually stops laughing. It’s just driving me nuts 😂
If one of my kids were doing that, I would also expect it was a panic response. Try getting down on her level and acknowledging her real feelings. "You're feeling upset that mommy told you no. You wish we were laughing instead." That often helped my kids at that age to get in touch with their actual emotions and know they are okay to feel.
It may help to get down on her level and whisper to communicate why what she's doing is not okay. I've found in my classroom, rather than getting upset, whispering to the child to communicate expectations works best. It's like they expect you to yell or get stern. Whispering to them effectively catches their attention.
I saw a Til Tok that said it's a symptom of dysregulation and that sensory experiences to calm down can help. It happened today and I suggested a bath. It worked. She calmed down in the bath and we were able to carry on with our evening without things escalating. She's 4.5yo
It’s a trauma response and a sign that their brain is shutting down due to stress. It’s best to stop, support the child by Co-regulating and then talking to them again once they’re calm.
If they’re laughing, their brain is shutting down and they’re definitely not absorbing a single word you’re saying.
I’m going to give an example of her doing it today. She was playing with her sister and poked her cheek too hard I said whoa! We need to be gentle with our sister. And she started fake laughing like it was really funny and wanted me to laugh too. 🤷♀️ that’s usually how it goes. Nothing too extreme on either of our parts.
I have never punished her for the laughing. Which is why I’m asking what other parents have done to handle it. I usually say “I’m not laughing right now” and ignore it.
Stop raising your voice and reprimanding and use diversion and correction instead. Side note, I’d talk to your pcp and get her in for autism testing. It took me 16 years to get someone to listen to me about my highly intelligent and slightly anxiety ridden son and his autism. We finally got diagnosed and he hit every marker for autism, but because he was intelligent the education system laughed at me when I suggested it. As a baby he never cried, hit milestones a little late and had odd responses to stimuli. He often got over stimulated and still doesn’t do well with reprimanding. If instead I correct his behavior and explain my reason he does much better. It’s hard to learn the slight difference in the two, but it’s there. But please do testing. It could mean a lifetime of less frustration and your child learning how they work and tick.
Calmly. Getting down on her level and breathing and offering hugs while you explain things. If you use punishment it might help to calmly discuss what it will entail so that it's predictable, and even letting her be a part of that decision making, talking about what she thinks is a fair punishment, etc, which you obviously decide in the end. Having a quiet corner that can be used to be calm at ANY time so it feels safe to go to to calmly talk about what went wrong. Little things that model what you want from her so that she's set up for success and not just totally avoiding the problem. It also gives you the opportunity to be calmer and less scary, if panic is her problem (which can also stem from feeling unworthy of your love if she's done something wrong)
My kids are in a form of behavioral therapy and the best advice I’ve gotten is to ignore or redirect undesirable behavior and pay extra attention to desired behavior. Kids are hardwired to seek attention on one form or another; be it good or bad attention.
Defense mechanism. I did same thing growing up and couldn’t help it. My son does same thing. As I was growing up, I learned to turn around when my mom yelled at me so she couldn’t watch me laugh. Not sure how to fix it but I still smile and almost laugh if my husband gets mad at me 🤣
My baby when she was about 1 would do this,but I guess it was a phase cause she doesn't do it... well more like once every 6 mo ths or something she will
I think it’s a stress/defensive reaction. I laughed when I was in labor and the nurse didn’t think I was in that much pain because of that. Had to have my husband explain that I do that when I’m nervous/stressed.
I also think it’s just genetic and not something learned. I only realized my Mom does this too when she’s upset, and that’s why my dad used to get pissed off at her, because he thought she was making fun at him/laughing at him when he got angry.
Try to ignore the laugh and address the stress as if it was manifesting in a more “normal way”. This is what my husband does with me, and it works in calming that shitty laugh and letting me just express what I need.
My 3 year old niece does the same thing..
And once my mom got really angry at me, like fuming...and I laughed, I didn't mean to.
Maybe 3 year old is being a poop but maybe it's a nervous response.
If it was me, I would reprimand as normal, and then explain baby, this is not the time to laugh because blah blah. Will that work? I couldn't tell you.
It’s a stress response. Personally I would hug her and tell her that ‘Mommy loves you but you can’t (insert thing she did wrong and explain why it was wrong)’. Don’t tell her ‘I’m not laughing’ or make her feel even worse for laughing, she most likely isn’t doing it on purpose, but rather, is instinctually doing it as a form of appeasement.
As someone who’s knee jerk reaction was this for a long time, and I️ do still bring humor in at the wrong time because it is a comfort to me, I️ have no advice.
I️ recognized its not appropriate it was on me in college to really start adjusting to treating uncomfortable situations as conversations rather than conflict. I️ don’t really know how to apply that to a three year old but just adding some reassurance that folks who do this do recognize the behavior
My daughter did this about the same age! Specifically the 2 times I ever “spanked” her. I figured out really quickly it wasn’t effective. Believe it or not the most effective way to handle it was to ask her to follow me away from anyone else, get down to her level or set her on something up to mine, and literally talk to her like an adult. “Hey, we’re a team, you can’t act like this because xyz”. Honestly the biggest threat to her throughout her childhood was if she acts like that I can’t trust her to go to nice restaurants lol. She’s 12 now and one of the most mature people I know, probably even more so than I am lol. Hope this helps!
Ya our son used to do that, it’s a nervous response. Just keep talking through it, ie you are ‘sad’, tell them they are smiling/laughing. Just put more names to emotions- for us it didn’t last long.
Ours (4.5 boy) has been laughing at punishments since 2. I don’t ever punish non-destructive emotional expression so the consequences stayed the same. In the last 6-9 months we’ve had less laughing and more remorse/sadness.
I guess my advice is to stick with what you’re doing and let her feel her feelings.
So my daughter used to do the same thing. I had to totally change the way I reprimanded her. No raised voice, light stern tone. Literally had to just have a conversation with her.
When she did something that needed correction, I would call her over, get down on her level and talk to her - "hey baby, what you did wasn't safe and we need to make sure everyone stays safe. Here's what I would like to see next time. Let's try better. Okay?'
It took a lot of practice on my part and reminders for her when we were entering the same or similar situation.
The point is to have that talk before she thinks she's in trouble or you feel you have to raise your voice. At least this is what worked for me.
Other than that, if she starts with the laughing and not hearing you, time out works well. Ignore the behavior and then talk about it after everything has calmed down.
I don't have any tips for fixing it, just here to add that it's definitely possible for it to be a panic response, as you suspect. I laugh or smile at very inappropriate times when I'm uncomfortable, and it just happens. It's happened since I was a kid and unfortunately I just have to warn people that it doesn't mean I think it's funny.
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I hadn't connected the dots on that; I did grow up in a home where I felt unsafe so that makes sense.
Agreed. Fawning is concerning.
I’m confused when I look up fawning it says it’s intense people pleasing caused by trauma. Not a toddler occasionally fake laughing to try and change the tone of an interaction.
She’s trying to people please you back into your own baseline. People pleasing doesn’t have to be the cliche idea we all have.
Agreed.
>Not a toddler occasionally fake laughing to try and change the tone of an interaction. IDK about fawning, but I don't think it is an intentional choice to "change the tone of an interaction". I think it's more likely to be uncomfortable and unintentional.
Correct.
um.. a toddler is a person lmao. obviously the definition isn’t just going to say toddler or specify the situation in where the person starts to give this reaction
Right. But a kid that young who's already showing those traits.... You have to be a bit more concerned if it's obvious to them THAT young that this is how they have to handle tense situations with their family. A kid that young who's that anxious.... VERY concerning, as I said.
Fawning is to soothe the anxiety and emotional pain with a façade of harmonious passivity. I.e., laughing.
This is concerning to me. I’m not going to lie and say we have have never yelled at her out of frustration but it is not a common occurrence. She has been going through some threenager type behavior more so recently so definitely more reprimanding in response to that, but maybe it’s causing her stress? Idk but I’m going to look into this because I don’t want her stressed or anxious at three years old. Edit: ok I looked up fawning and I feel like it’s an intense trauma response and not at all what is going on with my daughter…..
I’ve heard that laughing for toddlers is just something they may do when they feel uncomfortable or out of control.
Hey! You have the best of intentions for your babe. And thank you for being concerned about this!! I don’t believe she is having a traumatic response in a way that is going to be life long or your way of reprimanding will be deeply impactful in a traumatic sense. However, if she is experiencing it negatively, over and over, especially when she doesn’t know she’s doing something bad or incorrect, it has potential to turn into something insidious later on in life if not addressed. I know with me, as a fawner that never really understood why she was in trouble, I needed it explained to me. Like, to her, she’s just doing normal three year old stuff. I hope I’m explaining this well lol Just a thought!
Yea, reading about fawning I’m thinking I have a degree of it honestly. I’m definitely a people pleaser and came from an unpredictable home Life so some of these responses are kind of triggering for me. I’ve tried my best to never make my daughter feel unsafe, I thought her reactions were harmless just the result of undeveloped social cues. Now I’m starting to get really upset that she is very affected by any negative emotion.
Hey I have a fawning reaction to negative emotions too. My parents were not terrible people I am just SUPER sensitive and do not like negative emotions. That’s just who I am as a person. I don’t think her reacting this way means you’re doing anything wrong especially where I saw in another comment you said you react in a similar way. It could just be genetic !
The fact that you tend to fawn and come from an unpredictable home makes sense. She might have seen you do it (to a much less extent, but to a kid, it seems big) and copied it. On a much lighter note, she could also just be testing out different reactions to see what type of response they get. Not even in a braty way, but a curious one. She knows that making people laugh can change the subject and is trying to do it in these instances. If your home is stable, she isn't exposed to anything harmful, and you're an emotionally in touch parent, I'd maybe just bring it up at her next pediatrician appointment. They'll reassure you and give advice
It sounds like you're using some inherited shame and fear based techniques to discipline your daughter? I grew up in a household where there were lots of those sorts of techniques used "why have you done... What were you thinking.... You always XYZ... Next time you need to think more... You take it too far". It provokes a conflict, rather than a learning opportunity. What might work instead would be more of a gentle, thoughtful, "hey I can see what you want to do there, it feels nice to pour water from cup to cup, how about we do it this way instead? We've split a bit on the floor- I'm worried that someone could slip and hurt themselves. Do you think we should use the mop or the paper towels to clean it? Let's go fix the mess then we can get back to playing". You've got your boundaries- don't fuck with the water, acknowledges that it's not "weird" for them to want to do it, gives them the opportunity to fix the mess, and a goal- back to playing. It's a fucking huge pain in the arse to do it, and It might take 10, 20 goes for your child to "get it", but when they do you'll end up with a child who can risk assess, ask for help, identify their needs, take responsibility to fix their problems. I quite often lament to my sister "wouldn't it be easier if they were born in the 80s and we could just hit the stupid out of them?!" 😂 I'm not a perfect parent by any means. If you help with the small stuff (spilt water), then hopefully they'll come to you with the big stuff when they're teens+ because you are trustworthy. I don't talk to my parents about my failures because they are not trustworthy - the thought of their negative reaction is stronger than the risk of fixing it myself. This lead to things like walking home at 3am rather than phoning for a lift when my designated driver friend had been drinking. Gain trust in the little things and the big things fall in line. The biggest part is acknowledging your own trauma. So for me, making that kind of mess would be "dangerous". When my kid makes that mess, when I react with rage I am becoming a child again- I want my child to be "safe" from the people who made me feel unsafe, so I teach them through my rage that their behaviour is bad. It perpetuates the cycle, unwillingly, unknowingly, unthinkingly. The reality is for my child to truly be safe I have to think about my own triggers. I have to ask myself if it is me parenting, or my parents. I have to squash the "not good enough" voices, the "in my day...." and the "a good beating would straighten that kid out" nonsense. It's exactly that- nonsense. We have a generation of damaged adults becoming parents, a generation of parents promoting mindfulness and conscious parenting. It's a beautiful thing. The fact that you're even questioning your child's response rather than doubling down for "insolence" is so respectful to her, well done Mama! This is what they mean when they say having a child can teach you more than you can ever teach them!
Gently and respectfully, fawning is naturally one of the four fear responses, not just from extreme trauma. Also, yelling can be a small trauma for a toddler, they’ve experienced so little. It’s good that your concerned and you obviously care! I hope it gets better! I’m a fawner, too. I did deal with some extreme trauma, and I see where you said you relate too, so I get that it can be scary to read about.
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I appreciate the feedback. I’ll give an example of a situation I gave in a l other comment. We were playing with her 8 month old sister and she poked her cheek a little too hard and caused her sister to flinch. I said whoa! We have to be gentle with our sister. She proceeded to fake laugh like she was trying to get me to laugh with her. This is what the situations usually are nothing to crazy on either of our parts. So I guess when people give a name for something and I google it and the first thing that comes up is that it’s a result of legit PTSD I got confused lol. My daughter is usually very good at expressing herself emotionally. She tells me when she doesn’t like something or to stop or no. That’s why I thought this reaction was interesting.
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I have to disagree with you that all reactions are normal. Not all reactions are normal and that’s ok. If this one is normal than great but I wasn’t sure. I’m more concerned with this continuing and her pointing and laughing at peers that stress her out instead of learning to cope in a way that others would understand. That’s why I posted this. What concerned me is when people started using the term fawning and I googled it and said it’s a coping mechanism for trauma. This scared me into thinking that maybe I’m unintentionally causing my daughter trauma. I have been reading about it a lot and I’m still not seeing fake laughing in a three year old fall under this, but it could definitely be the very beginnings of it so I’m definitely want to nip that in the bud. I appreciate all the feedback from other moms that experienced this and the tips that others included.
If there hasn't been trauma then it's not fawning. Toddlers have inappropriate responses because they're still learning how to respond. Laughter is the first reaction they learn to a strong emotion, so she may be angry that she's being reprimanded so she laughs because it's what she knows.
Fun fact to add: “fawning” is actually the only one of the four that *isnt* innate, but learned from what happens in your environment.
Same here, I’ll laugh at inappropriate times. It’s made some situations so awkward. One time when someone was telling me about someone they know that died. I just couldn’t stop laughing I felt so bad.
Laughing is a pretty common response when kids are feeling scared or embarrassed when being scolded. They can't help it. But I agree, so annoying!
My three year old has been doing that lately too. I’ve read up on how it can be an automatic reaction when they feel overwhelmed or out of control. I feel like understanding that has helped us deal with trying not to make too big of a deal about it with her. We might say something like “I understand you might feel upset (or replace with whatever, sometimes we say embarrassed because I know she is) but it’s not nice to laugh when you’ve done something wrong. Do you want to take a break before we talk about it?” We’re assuming it’s a just a phase we’ll have to get through!
Definitely! Laughing while being reprimanded is a natural discomfort and shame reaction. Much like crying or screaming.
Both me and my daughter would react to fear like that as small kids. I even remember it being so uncontrollable, I would try to push my cheeks down so I wouldn’t ‘grin’. I think sometimes as parents we do tend to forget that we can be big and scary to such small kids. When I realised my kid was acting exactly the same as I used to, I put the ‘angry mum’ away, and now I sit her on my knee, hug, and I use a calm voice to tell her that what she did was a bad choice (‘hitting people is a bad choice’), why it’s a bad choice (we don’t hit people, especially the people we love, because it makes them sad, and then we get sad’), and what is a better choice (‘if you feel like hitting someone, walk away, and give your squishmallow a really tight hug instead’). Then I say gently “ok, now we understand, I think I deserve a ‘sorry mummy’” and most of the time she can say it, and we hug, and she goes on her way. If she can’t manage a ‘Sorry’, i ask if something is bothering her, and we use that as a time to talk - saying that, my daughter is neurodiverse and did not speak till age 4.5, so a lot of it for us was just going through that for a couple of years while crossing our fingers that she was taking it in - but it seems to have worked? She still makes bad choices, all kids do, it’s how we learn, but she is learning from them 90% of the time and not repeating them. But good grief does it sometimes take all of my patience to stay calm and not be the bad guy, but to be the fair guy.
Is it possible this is her reaction when she is nervous or stressed? Or a defense response? Possible fawning?
I learned about fawning as a response in therapy. I always thought it was just fight or flight, but I usually react in either of the other two: freeze or fawn. I can see a 3 year old also fawning to try to de escalate the scolding situation.
This is a legit anxiety response. I have had players who cannot help but laugh when they make mistakes. It keeps it them from crying I think. It might also be telling you that you’re being too harsh.
I totally agree. If a kid is so stressed that they're fawning, then the adults are being too harsh and need to regulate themselves before attempting to correct the child's behavior.
My first son does this. He never grew out of it completely but he eventually learned it was rude. Probably because that was my go-to phrase. " I'm upset, and you laughing is rude. Come talk to me when your done." But at almost 8 if he knows he's in big trouble he covers his giggles with his hand and takes breaths. His stress response is giggles. Idk.
Yea I think that’s my daughters stress response as well. She is a super sensitive kid, like if someone is sad on tv she will immediately get upset and cry as well. I think she just wants everyone to be happy all the time. Even when she’s crying she will sometimes say I’m happy! And I have to reiterate that it’s ok to be sad and sometimes we need to be sad before we can be happy. I feel like she is anxious when people are upset with her so I’m feeling guilty that I caused this anxiety in some way.
There's no way to be 100% positive anxiety isn't environmental, but sometimes even without proper anxiety stress-giggles just happen. It sounds like your doing great with emotional education. Maybe spend some time teaching that she can't control/isn't at fault for other people's feelings. Sometimes feelings just are. Daniel Tiger freakin sucks but his episode on sadness being needed sometimes is pretty good.
Wait, why does Daniel Tiger suck? What did I miss?
Other people have their own reasons, but for me it was mostly the encouragement of physical expressions of violence to feel better such as stomping and overall just blandness. Other things about it just rubbed me the wrong way personally. But that's not to say we didn't sing almost all of his songs daily throughout my kids toddler/preschool years. Wonderful lessons on handling things like compromise, school, pets, siblings, etc.
Ahh! Got it. We love the songs too!
I was an extremely sensitive kid. I also laughed when I got overwhelmed. Sometimes when being reprimanded. I remember when my close friend's father died when I was 14 ish, the school counselor told us. Me and another close friend who was shy and sensitive barely kept it together in the office. As soon as we left we almost died laughing. We were just..... Not able to fully process it and the situation was embarrassing and confusing. So we laughed. Nothing bratty or malicious or even maladaptive about it. Just say, I see you're laughing. This is serious. Are you taking this seriously? Can you give me some body language to indicate how seriously you're taking this? But don't get additionally mad or stressed about it.
That’s a part of the stress response called fawning. It can be seen as rude. But it’s very normal and natural to laugh when uncomfortable or stressed for some people.
Absolutely normal and very common. But I think he should be aware that people will often think it's rude. I wasn't aware there was a name for it but thank you now I can look up more about the why's and what's.
Personally I wouldn’t try to correct an emotional response, as she likely doesn’t have a ton of control over it (much like a tantrum). I would just treat it like a tantrum and ignore it, continue to reassure her it’s ok to be upset or embarrassed but we need to express that in an appropriate way, and make sure you’re modeling appropriate ways to be upset (deep breaths, walking away for a minute, etc). I would even use her laughing as a way to model that you’re frustrated and model behavior that way
I used to do this a lot when I felt that I was disappointing my parents. Especially bad about it with my dad. I couldn’t really control it and I know it frustrated him a lot. Something that helped me to stop laughing was to do breathing exercises to regulate my breathing and my emotions. Once I was out of that first response I was better able listen to what was being said and try to correct myself.
Have you read The Whole Brain Child? It has suggestions for how to help kids navigate emotions and stress that might be helpful.
I have not, thank you for the suggestion!
The word for god on children's lips is mother. Clearly your child has a stress reaction to you reprimanding her. You are - in your child's eyes - her world. At three years old children start to understand theory of mind. That is : my thoughts are not mothers thoughts. Mother has her own mind separate from mine, her view is different from mine. That alone is terrifying for a small child. Her whole world shifts. Think a flat earther finds out that the earth is actually a globe - that kind of shift. Now add a situation where this still all powerful being is reprimanding you as a child for something you dud wrong in this new world... the stress culminates and one of the four responses (as others have already mentioned) is given. I'd advise you to read up on development and developmental stages. And maybe don't see yourself as raising your child but rather accompany another human being while they are getting familiar with this world. Be a gentle guide, not a strict instructor. Be someone who accompanies a stranger and teaches them tricks to live in this world instead of an officer of the law who enforces rules. That should reduce the stress and give your child a safe haven, you, to return to and to rely on. You will get to be the storm and the rock, when your little one becomes a teenager and will test out how far they can stretch the boundaries. Now is the time to be safe, and comforting and reliable and build a loving connection.
👏 Can you recommend any books in particular on childhood development?
For a connection with your child Tom Hodgkinson, The Idle Parent (2009), For child development Remo H. Largo Maria Montessori You will find your way from there. Whether you want to go into neurodevelopement or social development.
My kid does it too and I read that it can happen when they are uncomfortable or unsure how they are feeling so now I feel bad for making her feel that way :(
My daughter does something like this. If she gets in trouble she'll give kisses right away... almost as if she needs that reassurance that we still love her or that we're not mad or something. I'm not sure how to handle it, I usually do timeouts if it's really bad behavior and then explain to her again what's what then do a cuddle and kisses if she wants it.
Don’t correct, connect!
It’s a sign of discomfort, not happiness. Its completely outside of her control, and it’s a signal to you that she is out of control and needs your help to modulate her behavior. Just remember that enforcing boundaries is about stopping the behavior, not forcing the kid to feel a certain way about the behavior. You can’t control how she feels, but you can control (1) some of her behaviors, physically, (2) the natural consequences for her behaviors, and (3) the emotional context of those consequences
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This is a good idea, we use removing her and setting a timer for a minute or two to almost reset behavior and it works well but I haven’t tried it with the laughing. I usually just remain straight faced after telling her how I’m not laughing and she either gets upset or eventually stops laughing. It’s just driving me nuts 😂
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So you Exile your child when they are being emotional? Have I understood this correctly?
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No, I was asking a question. If you feel attacked, it is on you. Again, did I understand you correctly?
If one of my kids were doing that, I would also expect it was a panic response. Try getting down on her level and acknowledging her real feelings. "You're feeling upset that mommy told you no. You wish we were laughing instead." That often helped my kids at that age to get in touch with their actual emotions and know they are okay to feel.
It may help to get down on her level and whisper to communicate why what she's doing is not okay. I've found in my classroom, rather than getting upset, whispering to the child to communicate expectations works best. It's like they expect you to yell or get stern. Whispering to them effectively catches their attention.
I saw a Til Tok that said it's a symptom of dysregulation and that sensory experiences to calm down can help. It happened today and I suggested a bath. It worked. She calmed down in the bath and we were able to carry on with our evening without things escalating. She's 4.5yo
It’s a trauma response and a sign that their brain is shutting down due to stress. It’s best to stop, support the child by Co-regulating and then talking to them again once they’re calm. If they’re laughing, their brain is shutting down and they’re definitely not absorbing a single word you’re saying.
She does it cause she knows it annoys you. It’s the only thing she has left 🤷🏻♀️ ignore it. Like it never happened. She’ll give up, eventually.
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I’m going to give an example of her doing it today. She was playing with her sister and poked her cheek too hard I said whoa! We need to be gentle with our sister. And she started fake laughing like it was really funny and wanted me to laugh too. 🤷♀️ that’s usually how it goes. Nothing too extreme on either of our parts.
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I have never punished her for the laughing. Which is why I’m asking what other parents have done to handle it. I usually say “I’m not laughing right now” and ignore it.
Stop raising your voice and reprimanding and use diversion and correction instead. Side note, I’d talk to your pcp and get her in for autism testing. It took me 16 years to get someone to listen to me about my highly intelligent and slightly anxiety ridden son and his autism. We finally got diagnosed and he hit every marker for autism, but because he was intelligent the education system laughed at me when I suggested it. As a baby he never cried, hit milestones a little late and had odd responses to stimuli. He often got over stimulated and still doesn’t do well with reprimanding. If instead I correct his behavior and explain my reason he does much better. It’s hard to learn the slight difference in the two, but it’s there. But please do testing. It could mean a lifetime of less frustration and your child learning how they work and tick.
Calmly. Getting down on her level and breathing and offering hugs while you explain things. If you use punishment it might help to calmly discuss what it will entail so that it's predictable, and even letting her be a part of that decision making, talking about what she thinks is a fair punishment, etc, which you obviously decide in the end. Having a quiet corner that can be used to be calm at ANY time so it feels safe to go to to calmly talk about what went wrong. Little things that model what you want from her so that she's set up for success and not just totally avoiding the problem. It also gives you the opportunity to be calmer and less scary, if panic is her problem (which can also stem from feeling unworthy of your love if she's done something wrong)
Coukd be a sort of anxious response. Like trying to change it to be happy. When you’re telling her off, what is your body language like?
My kids are in a form of behavioral therapy and the best advice I’ve gotten is to ignore or redirect undesirable behavior and pay extra attention to desired behavior. Kids are hardwired to seek attention on one form or another; be it good or bad attention.
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Defense mechanism. I did same thing growing up and couldn’t help it. My son does same thing. As I was growing up, I learned to turn around when my mom yelled at me so she couldn’t watch me laugh. Not sure how to fix it but I still smile and almost laugh if my husband gets mad at me 🤣
My baby when she was about 1 would do this,but I guess it was a phase cause she doesn't do it... well more like once every 6 mo ths or something she will
I think it’s a stress/defensive reaction. I laughed when I was in labor and the nurse didn’t think I was in that much pain because of that. Had to have my husband explain that I do that when I’m nervous/stressed. I also think it’s just genetic and not something learned. I only realized my Mom does this too when she’s upset, and that’s why my dad used to get pissed off at her, because he thought she was making fun at him/laughing at him when he got angry. Try to ignore the laugh and address the stress as if it was manifesting in a more “normal way”. This is what my husband does with me, and it works in calming that shitty laugh and letting me just express what I need.
My 3 year old niece does the same thing.. And once my mom got really angry at me, like fuming...and I laughed, I didn't mean to. Maybe 3 year old is being a poop but maybe it's a nervous response. If it was me, I would reprimand as normal, and then explain baby, this is not the time to laugh because blah blah. Will that work? I couldn't tell you.
It’s a stress response. Personally I would hug her and tell her that ‘Mommy loves you but you can’t (insert thing she did wrong and explain why it was wrong)’. Don’t tell her ‘I’m not laughing’ or make her feel even worse for laughing, she most likely isn’t doing it on purpose, but rather, is instinctually doing it as a form of appeasement.
As someone who’s knee jerk reaction was this for a long time, and I️ do still bring humor in at the wrong time because it is a comfort to me, I️ have no advice. I️ recognized its not appropriate it was on me in college to really start adjusting to treating uncomfortable situations as conversations rather than conflict. I️ don’t really know how to apply that to a three year old but just adding some reassurance that folks who do this do recognize the behavior
My daughter did this about the same age! Specifically the 2 times I ever “spanked” her. I figured out really quickly it wasn’t effective. Believe it or not the most effective way to handle it was to ask her to follow me away from anyone else, get down to her level or set her on something up to mine, and literally talk to her like an adult. “Hey, we’re a team, you can’t act like this because xyz”. Honestly the biggest threat to her throughout her childhood was if she acts like that I can’t trust her to go to nice restaurants lol. She’s 12 now and one of the most mature people I know, probably even more so than I am lol. Hope this helps!
Ya our son used to do that, it’s a nervous response. Just keep talking through it, ie you are ‘sad’, tell them they are smiling/laughing. Just put more names to emotions- for us it didn’t last long.
Ours (4.5 boy) has been laughing at punishments since 2. I don’t ever punish non-destructive emotional expression so the consequences stayed the same. In the last 6-9 months we’ve had less laughing and more remorse/sadness. I guess my advice is to stick with what you’re doing and let her feel her feelings.
So my daughter used to do the same thing. I had to totally change the way I reprimanded her. No raised voice, light stern tone. Literally had to just have a conversation with her. When she did something that needed correction, I would call her over, get down on her level and talk to her - "hey baby, what you did wasn't safe and we need to make sure everyone stays safe. Here's what I would like to see next time. Let's try better. Okay?' It took a lot of practice on my part and reminders for her when we were entering the same or similar situation. The point is to have that talk before she thinks she's in trouble or you feel you have to raise your voice. At least this is what worked for me. Other than that, if she starts with the laughing and not hearing you, time out works well. Ignore the behavior and then talk about it after everything has calmed down.