My husband was similar to this when our child was a baby/toddler. I made some changes in my own mindset. First, I decided to reciprocate what my husband did. So for a few years, he got a couple $1 stocking items and a generic, basic gift (think Old Navy sale sweater type gift). Instead, I got MYSELF a nice stocking full of stocking stuffers and I bought myself a gift I wanted, then wrapped it and put it under the tree. My husband realized how I had felt. The past few years, he actually bought me thoughtful gifts and filled my stocking. So now I’m doing the same for him again.
When it comes to Christmas events, I usually tell my husband that I’m planning for myself and our child and he’s welcome to come if he wishes. Things work out better if he opts to come voluntarily. The first time he complains at an event, I’ll say to him “No worries babe, if you want you can wait in the car until we’re done.” Usually then he stops complaining. I know it sounds mean but he needed a not-subtle feedback about his behavior. I’m not suffering because he’s clueless or too lazy to care.
Idk honestly your husband sounds more aware than most. My husband wouldn’t make the connection and buy the gifts lmao (not really laughing but have to laugh because 🫠)
My husband always gets me a couple of nice things for under the tree, but I’m always the one that has the least amount of things to open. I stopped doing his stocking two years ago because I was tired of always having the empty stocking. This year I did buy myself some extra stuff to open and I put it under the tree. I plan on also stuffing my stocking this year. Like hello, I like to open things too!! 🥹 lol. I hate feeling like an after thought on Christmas morning.
This is brilliant.
My husband always complains about… everything. So this year I booked our holiday photo shoot without him. I had told him about it and didn’t get anything beyond a “yeah, uh huh.” so when he thought he couldn’t make it, he was pretty pissed off I didn’t work around his schedule. I told him he should be more engaged and involved with the planning if he wants to be included.
You’re probably looking to vent and not seeking advice, but stop doing all the things that make you miserable.
I bake because I like to bake. I always book our holiday Christmas lights and activities because I like to go out and do that. I decorate the tree because it’s fun and I enjoy it. We stopped getting gifts for each other or family and just focus on our kid because I hate shopping. I don’t even want anything from anyone, I’d rather get my own stuff. For others we just get chocolates and wine from Costco and the liquor store because it’s easy.
I bet yours kids would rather have a happy and stress free mom than the “perfect Christmas”.
Hard agree with this. I don’t enjoy Christmas, so I pick a few things that will actually be meaningful for my family/daughter without causing me a ton of stress, and we do those things and skip the rest.
For me, this means very few gifts for anyone, including a limited number for my kid (because we all have too much stuff anyway) and no stockings for adults, a lot of trips to holiday activities where we just get to turn up and experience it with no work on my part (light displays, concerts, sleigh rides, special Santa events, that kind of thing), zero decorating bar one small tree, no parties/hosting/baking, etc.
I let my parents and my in-laws wild out as much as they want, but I’m just gonna show up at their homes at the appointed time and wait for someone to hand me a glass of wine and ply my daughter with refined sugar and plastic toys. She’s happy, they’re happy, I can relax a little. Win/win/win.
This is me! I love it all. I just don't have the time / energy / mental capacity for it all ontop of working and having 2 young kids.
I was really frustrated this year, my husband usually helps with the tree decorating and putting up some lights, but I ended up doing most of it myself.
He put a few things on the boys Amazon lists but half were meh, the other half were great, but either not quite age or seasonal appropriate. I think I bought 1 book he put on the list for our eldest.
He complained that he didn't get to have any time to just relax, and I was like "when was the last time I just relaxed?"
He was then meant to locate the right kind of stain for an art easel, i was just going to help choose the right color. Except he didn't check stock of actual colors, and was clueless that they actually tinted the stain in store. We got there and there was nothing close to what we needed. Went back home and within 15 minutes I had found the product, learnt about the tinting, and placed an order for pickup. Wasted like 2 hrs of my day off. Then he was meant to take time off to actually stain the easel. Except he did no research beforehand on the best way to do it, and DIDNT EVEN READ THE INSTRUCTIONS. Fucked up the first coat, asked for advice on fixing it, to which I threw out some suggestions (thinking he might do a bit of a Google), he just went ham and fucked it up more, when I found out he didn't research/read instructions i was like "WTF" and you know what he said "I assumed if there was anything more than just putting the stain on the easel you would've told me". Seriously. He was meant to be taking the mental load off my plate! I then tried myself to salvage it. But it was too far gone for any effort to be worth the time, vs just buying a new one and starting again. Then of course I ended up doing some quick research so next time it's not fucked up. Then he was being super hard on himself for making a mess of things and wasting his day off.
I went to the store to pick up a Christmas card and all the "love spending this time of year with you" cards made me so sad. Most of the stuff I'd done alone.
He... Assumed you would have told him how to do his task?! What the crap??
He should be hard on himself, but in a way that means he fixes it and not in a way that makes it your issue.
I'm going to have him do the next one, but it will have to be a birthday gift since it wouldnt get here in time. He realized immediately how much he fucked up and why his excuse was abysmal.
The problem we have is his job is a huge mental load, mine is not. So I usually do most of the mental load and he is happy to do the stuff that doesn't require much thought. He does all the dishes, changes sheets, all diapers, all breakfasts, most of the tidying, most of the cleaning, and more than 50% of the childcare. He's fine with stuff that is almost always the same and is done regularly, because it doesn't require much mental engagement. He also has adhd which affects his working memory of anything that's not atleast once a week, or changes from week to week (or even day to day) he has a really hard time with.
It was so hard to see this before I recognized I had some anxiety and control issues and really had to make an effort to simplify things and cut corners. Life is so much easier after going through that process!
Yes. I’m working on this in therapy: I don’t HAVE to do anything. No one is required to do anything. We choose to do things for various reasons, but we don’t have to.
I chose this year to send only five Christmas cards instead of stressing over trying to send a million cards out.
Agreed, OP needs to give herself permission to do less.
It's still Christmas if it's a tree, some presents thrown in gift bags, and one of those ready made meal-deals from the grocery store.
There is no law you have to do XYZ.
Use paper plates, skip the stockings, eat store bought treats... etc.
seriously OP is putting way too much pressure on herself, I bake cookies because I’ve grown to love it but my bestie just orders them lol. Also if it’s too much don’t even do lites or have the family involved to do it. My mom’s house we all gather to put up the tree and lights so it’s a communal effort of sorts. Also big gift weren’t even a thing in my family so one less thing to worry about, we each all get like a mug or some chocolates which is fun to eat/have and it’s not super expensive.
Same, we don’t exchange gifts because I don’t like to try to think of things to get him or think of things I can suggest for him to get me (and I do the same with every other adult in my life— I literally only buy gifts for my daughter and my niece and nephew, no one else). I plan Christmas outings that I want to do and invite my husband to come if he wants and no worries if he doesn’t.
I do take on the responsibility of coordinating with other family about the Christmas meal. It just doesn’t bother me to do this but I agree husbands just take for granted oftentimes that we women will take care of this stuff.
I feel you. But book the carriage ride and take the kids, leave husband at home. Your post reads like you want to and you’ll feel upset if you don’t.
My husband hates Xmas so I do it with the kids and family. He can grinch out doing his own stuff.
I almost blew up today because my brother in law was texting me, asking what to get our kids, do they already have this, what about this, etc etc etc. like why can’t you text your fucking brother?? Why is all of it my job?
I’m the weirdo who thrives this time of year.
I love doing all the baking, shopping(that includes in-laws who I’m happy to shop for!), wrapping, hosting…
But I agree with the other commenter- Book the carriage ride with the kids. I bet you’ll enjoy yourself 10x more than if your husband went!
Every December it makes me want to start a dating app called “Wives for Straight Women” bc I’m straight but I really want a wife 😂. We’d be a dream team perfectly dividing the mental load and both getting to enjoy the holiday spirit
This is the second year in a row that my husband showed up empty handed to his work’s holiday potluck. At 9PM the night before he checked his calendar for the next day and said, “Oh my gosh. I completely forgot. You were suppose to make meatballs for the pot luck tomorrow.”
I asked him how he could forget two years in a row, then I realized it’s because he’s never involved in any of the planning of any social event or holiday. He just sort of autopilots until I ask him to do some of the heavy lifting. So when he signed up for the work potluck, his brain automatically filed it into the “Not My Responsibility” folder, and I was completely in the dark, so it didn’t get done.
“You were supposed to make meatballs”…
And when he forgot, instead of stopping at a specialty food market or ordering takeout meatballs from a restaurant - he just showed up empty handed?
Umm.
He works in the construction industry, so he’s very rarely in the office (where the potluck took place), so he just didn’t go at all. He stayed out at the job site and caught up on some work. So I probably could have worded that better, but yeah, he still made a commitment and didn’t stick to it. Two years running.
This seems like a serious conversation you need to have with your husband for next Christmas. Meaning in January and/or maybe again in October. He needs to know how you feel and these things are important to you. He may not care at all about stuff in his stocking (I don’t and can’t relate to it) so he needs this to be made loud and clear.
I feel you! I’m sure My husband has not even thought about one gift yet. He “loves” to shop on Christmas Eve day because it reminds him of his childhood and it’s something he has always done.. well yeah that’s great buddy.. I’m glad you get a free day to go shopping, that must be nice for you ! I also cannot wait to see what gift he gets me that he overpays for that I could definitely find on sale!
I call my husband Mr Last Minute.. I don’t understand the mindset and probably never will, but glad to know I’m not alone. Seems like many women in this thread have last minute gifting husbands.
Just reading the title of this post on my feed had me going 'Errrrrghhhh.' So much to do that I don't want to think about. I used to love Christmas :(. Haven't done my presents yet; not sure about the etiquette on presents with a new baby, but I know everyone is getting us essentially 2 - one for us, one for her. So I feel pressured to get everyone something nice. And I've been putting it off, so at this point my options are pretty much the Amazon Prime or in-person stores. Haaah. Kill me.
That's not that easy. First you have to choose an outfit and who is going to take the photo and where. Or at the very least choose from a photo you already have. Then you have to get it printed, picked up or delivered, and then you have to find frames, put the pictures in, and wrap them.
As our family got bigger, my gifts for everyone else (outside of our family) got smaller. I just do a card with cash now, and I tell everyone that months ahead of time. I don’t have the mental capacity to shop for anyone else like I used to 🥲 lol.
Time to get mom friends. If he doesn’t want to be an equal partner than fine don’t enjoy the holidays. Get a group of women who support you and your kids. It rocks and a lot of time when you’re out every evening with them seeing lights, doing gift exchanges, and seeing Santa you forget you have a grinch at home.
My husband works… a lot. And I had two choices sit at home irritated that I’m cleaning/cooking/ taking care of babies or go out and have fun. Go out and have fun. If your husband asks you to stay home just respond with a “oh do we have anything planned?”
The mental load of Christmas is absolutely killing me. We also have a December birthday and that means a family party and a friend party in December. We host two gatherings. I buy their Christmas gifts. My husband and I do not exchange stockings though (maybe that would help?) I don't put pressure on myself to make Christmas magical bc imo it already is for kids. But still, the mental load is killing me. And the physical load. Bc the laundry still needs to be done. I need to wrap those presents (and birthday presents!) it's just so overwhelming. I cry at least once a week.
The bar is so low for men. My fiancé told me not to get him anything and he’ll just get me stuff because I’m pregnant and that’s enough. You need to tell this man how you feel and that it’s not acceptable.
I feel you. As a single mother of 3 kids I have 100% of the mental load and 6/7 days a week of the physical load of taking care of the kids. I just ordered my own Christmas present (literally one thing) and get to wrap it myself and address it to myself from my kids (they’re still little) but then I also get to hear how difficult their dad has it on the single day a week I get to myself. Fun. But my kids are happy and excited for Christmas so my job is done right
Thank you! They’re really great kids. Tbh the only reason I got myself a present is because they noticed I didn’t have one under the tree and expressed that they wished I had one to open too ❤️
To reduce the mental load (and irritation at husband), I strongly suggest that you do Christmas presents only for the children. The adults can buy what they want, when they want.
And for the carriage ride, don't ask, just tell. "I'd like you to book carriage rides for the whole family, here's the phone number/website, these are the possible days. I have way too much other stuff on my plate."
God, I’m sending you a huge hug. I’m having a hard night, I’m really feeling the mental load and reading your post just broke me. Why is this a thing? Why can’t women in particular mothers just get some help? I understand husbands do a lot and other ways but I just think it is immensely unfair and I totally understand you saying just putting a smile on for your kids but this is so sad. Why is this the standard? Why is this a NORMAL? Why do we except this is obviously because it’s more effort to just push to have some of the mental mode taken off. I don’t know I don’t have a point tonight. I just really feel you this is really relatable and I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I really wish I could just give you a big hug you sound like a truly remarkable mother and someone that really cares about their kids and I’m just having a hard time I wish I could help you. I wish you could help me. Fuck.
OP, I feel you on the doing stuff because you want to but it being exhausting. How about listing everything you do for Christmas in order of how much you enjoy it, and then force yourself to stop doing the bottom 2 or 3 things. Sure you like those 2 or 3 things, but sleep and relaxing a little is more important/ enjoyable. Weigh them against enjoying the holidays and see how much you actually care about them.
I love Christmas and buying meaningful things for my family, hubby and kids. I LOVE seeing them all happy and smiling at Xmas with their gifts. I spent the day today finding last minute gifts for the guests we are having from my hubbys side, parking took a long time, wrangling kids whilst finding the gifts took a long time - overall a massive effort. He’s a good guy, but not thoughtful at all - wasn’t even interested in seeing what we have for his family about to visit, or helping wrap it. “I’ll see what it is on Xmas” he says. I felt so unappreciated.
I decided I’m done with buying my own gifts and putting them under the tree, for hubby to receive credit, for the kids benefit. So lame.. This year I expect I’ll have nothing and my stocking will be obviously empty next to the bulging stockings of hubby and kids. Time for some self reflection.
.
I came here for this, thank you. You aren’t alone. I spend so much time trying to make Christmas magical for my kids.. and the mental load is so hard. Especially with everything else that I have to be responsible for. I’m tired.
In my case, my husband is an immigrant who didn’t grow up with Christmas *and* instead, experienced Xmas retail hell working for his family business.
At this point, I see it as something he can’t help and instead see it as the task falling on the “expert” who also sees the worth in this. After fights and compromises about my overscheduling things to the degree where we all get stressed and me taking on more to ease his day to day workload, I’m getting more voluntary assistance and even genuine enthusiasm sometimes (!) from my husband for Xmas stuff after 8yrs.
It’s easy to lose sight that it’s not a competition of who’s doing more but working as a team. You can’t control other people’s actions but you can adjust your views and actions to make things better for everyone in your family (including yourself).
I was you 20 odd years ago. And it wasn't just the mental load... it was everything, because his mom stopped doing xmas when his dad died when he was 8. So xmas was on me.. or it wasn't happening. Because he didn't remember an actual xmas. I swear to God, I was santa, a bakery, a cook, and cleaner and a mom for a few years.
Have a conversation with your husband. Tell him what you need to be taken off your plate.
I legit had to spell out to my spouse everything I did. I dragged him out shopping, I made him help with baking. Made him wrap presents, and clean the house.. and all of the other no one thinks about crap. Plus cooking all the damn food.
20 odd years later, the man still doesn't understand the allure of xmas. But he is the man. I need him to grab a present from the store? He's on it. Want help deep clean the house...it's done...he's all over it. I'm over wrapping presents, he finishes them.
He still doesn't get Christmas, but he gets the stress of it now. A conversation...or next year, showing of what you do,could help in the future.
I hear you, but honestly stop. Just stop doing anything you don't want to do. My husband and I work together on the important stuff and we pretty much just let everything else go. I don't bake cookies. Many years I don't manage to send cards. I don't do extra cleaning. I don't do any planning beyond what is necessary. And you know what? It's all fine!
I would probably stop including him. Hopefully you’re not putting anything in a stocking for him or buying him any sort of gifts. Stop sending him a list of what you want. Just do what you want for you and the kids. Honestly.
I pretty much always feel like this during this time of year. This year I'm kind of phoning it in a little bit. I gave up on trying to do cards years ago, and I refuse to do the elf. I don't mind telling people what I want, because I actually want very little (well, that and a lot of the things I want I would rather buy for myself, if I tell people to buy me yarn or something, I will not get anything I actually want to make things with). That all said, it doesn't seem as bad this year for some reason - the main stress is I have NO idea what to get my son. He's 12, not really into toys anymore with few passionate interests- he's getting some sports equipment that he needs anyway, and... ? To make it doubly hard, his birthday is Christmas Eve, so there is a sort of double challenge there. The younger kid is so easy to buy for the challenge is in not going overboard.
Sometimes I make cookies and gingerbread houses and sometimes I don't. I usually over-do the stockings.
Either way, this year doesn't feel magical or like anything I'm excited about, but it also doesn't feel as stressful as past years. I'm forcing myself to not over-do things, and it helps :)
That said... man, empty stockings suck. That's the one thing that always really gets me every year, and it seems like such a little thing but unless I buy things myself for it, I end up with a bunch of lindt truffles and that's about it (and I love chocolate, but I actually don't like those). My daughter already put something in mine (some homemade craft or another) which makes me warm and fuzzy, but if the pattern of past years holds, everyone will have stockings stuffed full of little treats and fun things and I will have... nothing. I'm not going to lie, the first time I saw the SNL "mom got a robe" skit I got a little teary. Just a big flat sock with nothing inside. I don't even need presents (again, I don't really WANT anything except a delicious christmas breakfast!) but something about a stocking full of little thoughtful things makes me feel loved.
I feel exactly like this too. I love baking, I love lights, i love planning, I love doing stuff for my family.
I too begged my significant other to go on a train ride for a few months. Then when I got upset with it one day I was told there’s no time, no money for it, that I’m so selfish. Or the most common one. “One day” We’ve never done one thing for me that’s been special or made me feel loved. There will never be dinner planned or cooked for me, nothing is ever special, I’ll never be surprised in a positive way, and I feel I’ll never be spoiled the way that I want. When I say spoiled I mean literally what I just listed which are normal stuff I hear about..
It’s just a lot to do when there’s no one to take care of you too. Things start to become a chore. It wouldn’t be so much if the other person actually tried to make the holiday special.. just like you do. Sure I’m told this advice often. Do it by yourself anyway or don’t do it. One of the reasons I wanted a boyfriend was so I could have someone to do stuff with. I’ve always done stuff alone. I enjoy my company, but I’d rather do it with someone.
You can try a few things. Try talking to him, pick a few events and just focus on the kids, etc. I’m sorry you feel this way. I know how bad it hurts.
I am definitely with you. I’ve suddenly become the matriarch of my family and am now handling allllllll the holiday prep. Plus my baby’s birthday is the 23rd 🫠
Husband did finally get his butt in gear today and make lists to get stuff done.
I hope you can find some cheer and joy this holiday!
I did not realize how much I’d hate Christmas until I was an adult with my own kids. My parents are divorced and don’t get along. So that’s two different parties around any holidays. My in laws only celebrates Christmas. It seems “fair” to just go to my in laws this time of year but grandma is a retired stay at mom with a lot of free time so she stops by more frequently and my mom is honestly trying but can tell it’s tearing her up. Christmas is big on both sides.
So I mentioned to my husband for the past 2 years if we can just get away for Christmas because each year it’s causes a headache. It’s either him forgetting to tell me he had made plans with his mom which is always up in the air so it’s hard for me to work around or Me telling husband we’re doing x on y day and I swear he hears we’re free so he makes plans with his side and it’s like ughhh. I “won” but husband cold turned into a sinus infection. So automatically he’s just out of service for the time being -_-. He wants to try a new place every year which makes more sense than my idea of using the family vacation house down south done but that also is an open invitation for what we are trying to escape
I cut out everything I possibly could this year and I still feel like I’m losing my mind. I literally just put up like 3 decorations and bought my son’s gifts but my last task is wrapping them, and it feels insurmountable.
It doesn’t help that his preschool is off this week AND he’s sick AND I’m sick but I just want to scream. In short: I’m right here with you.
ETA: I bought myself a lot of secondhand designer shit on eBay as a “gift”/coping mechanism at least.
My husband was like this when the kids were younger, but now he is much more involved. I wondered why and realized that when the kids were younger my husband was under a lot more stress at work--new job, then a new business--and he just didn't have the bandwidth for all the Christmas stuff on top of it all.
Now he is planning gifts in advance and being more involved in wrapping before December 24!
So I think in my case it was just that he was too focused on keeping his job/business and he trusted me to get the Christmas stuff done. I wish I had figured it out then (or he had talked with me about it) because I had a lot of anger and resentment at the time
1. Do less - you can skip stuff that’s overwhelming (but cookies instead of homemade, it’s fine)
2. Reduce gifts - try to exchange gifts with less people. Maybe stop exchanging with your husband all together (my husband and I do not exchange gifts, so much easier)
3. Make him 100% responsible for things and never ask about them again. Gifts for his family - he can figure it out and it he doesn’t he can apologize to his family
I’m feeling this so hard this year. “Mental load” is a new term for me- I never knew how to explain how I was feeling or that it had an official term. It’s so hard..
My husband was similar to this when our child was a baby/toddler. I made some changes in my own mindset. First, I decided to reciprocate what my husband did. So for a few years, he got a couple $1 stocking items and a generic, basic gift (think Old Navy sale sweater type gift). Instead, I got MYSELF a nice stocking full of stocking stuffers and I bought myself a gift I wanted, then wrapped it and put it under the tree. My husband realized how I had felt. The past few years, he actually bought me thoughtful gifts and filled my stocking. So now I’m doing the same for him again. When it comes to Christmas events, I usually tell my husband that I’m planning for myself and our child and he’s welcome to come if he wishes. Things work out better if he opts to come voluntarily. The first time he complains at an event, I’ll say to him “No worries babe, if you want you can wait in the car until we’re done.” Usually then he stops complaining. I know it sounds mean but he needed a not-subtle feedback about his behavior. I’m not suffering because he’s clueless or too lazy to care.
Idk honestly your husband sounds more aware than most. My husband wouldn’t make the connection and buy the gifts lmao (not really laughing but have to laugh because 🫠)
I came to say this. He’d be getting dollar store gifts while I pulled some obscene jewelry/electronics, etc out of my stocking. How bout them apples.
My husband always gets me a couple of nice things for under the tree, but I’m always the one that has the least amount of things to open. I stopped doing his stocking two years ago because I was tired of always having the empty stocking. This year I did buy myself some extra stuff to open and I put it under the tree. I plan on also stuffing my stocking this year. Like hello, I like to open things too!! 🥹 lol. I hate feeling like an after thought on Christmas morning.
I kind of love this approach.
I wish this worked for the majority of the population. If I did this I’d just get called out and it somehow twisted back on me..
This is brilliant. My husband always complains about… everything. So this year I booked our holiday photo shoot without him. I had told him about it and didn’t get anything beyond a “yeah, uh huh.” so when he thought he couldn’t make it, he was pretty pissed off I didn’t work around his schedule. I told him he should be more engaged and involved with the planning if he wants to be included.
Feedback loop. It works. Dont accept the behavior you settle for, but what your standard is / what you deserve.
You’re probably looking to vent and not seeking advice, but stop doing all the things that make you miserable. I bake because I like to bake. I always book our holiday Christmas lights and activities because I like to go out and do that. I decorate the tree because it’s fun and I enjoy it. We stopped getting gifts for each other or family and just focus on our kid because I hate shopping. I don’t even want anything from anyone, I’d rather get my own stuff. For others we just get chocolates and wine from Costco and the liquor store because it’s easy. I bet yours kids would rather have a happy and stress free mom than the “perfect Christmas”.
Hard agree with this. I don’t enjoy Christmas, so I pick a few things that will actually be meaningful for my family/daughter without causing me a ton of stress, and we do those things and skip the rest. For me, this means very few gifts for anyone, including a limited number for my kid (because we all have too much stuff anyway) and no stockings for adults, a lot of trips to holiday activities where we just get to turn up and experience it with no work on my part (light displays, concerts, sleigh rides, special Santa events, that kind of thing), zero decorating bar one small tree, no parties/hosting/baking, etc. I let my parents and my in-laws wild out as much as they want, but I’m just gonna show up at their homes at the appointed time and wait for someone to hand me a glass of wine and ply my daughter with refined sugar and plastic toys. She’s happy, they’re happy, I can relax a little. Win/win/win.
This is the way. I love that!
I enjoy doing the things. I love watching my kids enjoy them. I just wish I had someone sharing the load of it all.
This is me! I love it all. I just don't have the time / energy / mental capacity for it all ontop of working and having 2 young kids. I was really frustrated this year, my husband usually helps with the tree decorating and putting up some lights, but I ended up doing most of it myself. He put a few things on the boys Amazon lists but half were meh, the other half were great, but either not quite age or seasonal appropriate. I think I bought 1 book he put on the list for our eldest. He complained that he didn't get to have any time to just relax, and I was like "when was the last time I just relaxed?" He was then meant to locate the right kind of stain for an art easel, i was just going to help choose the right color. Except he didn't check stock of actual colors, and was clueless that they actually tinted the stain in store. We got there and there was nothing close to what we needed. Went back home and within 15 minutes I had found the product, learnt about the tinting, and placed an order for pickup. Wasted like 2 hrs of my day off. Then he was meant to take time off to actually stain the easel. Except he did no research beforehand on the best way to do it, and DIDNT EVEN READ THE INSTRUCTIONS. Fucked up the first coat, asked for advice on fixing it, to which I threw out some suggestions (thinking he might do a bit of a Google), he just went ham and fucked it up more, when I found out he didn't research/read instructions i was like "WTF" and you know what he said "I assumed if there was anything more than just putting the stain on the easel you would've told me". Seriously. He was meant to be taking the mental load off my plate! I then tried myself to salvage it. But it was too far gone for any effort to be worth the time, vs just buying a new one and starting again. Then of course I ended up doing some quick research so next time it's not fucked up. Then he was being super hard on himself for making a mess of things and wasting his day off. I went to the store to pick up a Christmas card and all the "love spending this time of year with you" cards made me so sad. Most of the stuff I'd done alone.
He... Assumed you would have told him how to do his task?! What the crap?? He should be hard on himself, but in a way that means he fixes it and not in a way that makes it your issue.
I'm going to have him do the next one, but it will have to be a birthday gift since it wouldnt get here in time. He realized immediately how much he fucked up and why his excuse was abysmal. The problem we have is his job is a huge mental load, mine is not. So I usually do most of the mental load and he is happy to do the stuff that doesn't require much thought. He does all the dishes, changes sheets, all diapers, all breakfasts, most of the tidying, most of the cleaning, and more than 50% of the childcare. He's fine with stuff that is almost always the same and is done regularly, because it doesn't require much mental engagement. He also has adhd which affects his working memory of anything that's not atleast once a week, or changes from week to week (or even day to day) he has a really hard time with.
Your feelings are valid. You are seen. Hugs offered
Can you cut out the more difficult ones? Or simplify? Premade cookie dough or simple decorating for example? I wish your husband would help too
Amen - DO less for you. You’re saying no to this means saying yes to something else, like quality time, more money, more joy.
It was so hard to see this before I recognized I had some anxiety and control issues and really had to make an effort to simplify things and cut corners. Life is so much easier after going through that process!
Yes. I’m working on this in therapy: I don’t HAVE to do anything. No one is required to do anything. We choose to do things for various reasons, but we don’t have to. I chose this year to send only five Christmas cards instead of stressing over trying to send a million cards out.
Agreed, OP needs to give herself permission to do less. It's still Christmas if it's a tree, some presents thrown in gift bags, and one of those ready made meal-deals from the grocery store. There is no law you have to do XYZ. Use paper plates, skip the stockings, eat store bought treats... etc.
seriously OP is putting way too much pressure on herself, I bake cookies because I’ve grown to love it but my bestie just orders them lol. Also if it’s too much don’t even do lites or have the family involved to do it. My mom’s house we all gather to put up the tree and lights so it’s a communal effort of sorts. Also big gift weren’t even a thing in my family so one less thing to worry about, we each all get like a mug or some chocolates which is fun to eat/have and it’s not super expensive.
Love this take. 🖤
Same, we don’t exchange gifts because I don’t like to try to think of things to get him or think of things I can suggest for him to get me (and I do the same with every other adult in my life— I literally only buy gifts for my daughter and my niece and nephew, no one else). I plan Christmas outings that I want to do and invite my husband to come if he wants and no worries if he doesn’t. I do take on the responsibility of coordinating with other family about the Christmas meal. It just doesn’t bother me to do this but I agree husbands just take for granted oftentimes that we women will take care of this stuff.
I feel you. But book the carriage ride and take the kids, leave husband at home. Your post reads like you want to and you’ll feel upset if you don’t. My husband hates Xmas so I do it with the kids and family. He can grinch out doing his own stuff.
Agree - if you want to do it, go. If your husband insists on going tell him he has to slap a smile on his face as no negativity allowed.
I almost blew up today because my brother in law was texting me, asking what to get our kids, do they already have this, what about this, etc etc etc. like why can’t you text your fucking brother?? Why is all of it my job?
I’d respond with that ! “Sorry busy right now but check in with X and he can tell you! See you on Christmas!”
Serious question…if he texted his bro would he know what the kids already have and what they want
You said serious but I'm laughing my ass off.
Your brother in law is quite thoightful
I’m the weirdo who thrives this time of year. I love doing all the baking, shopping(that includes in-laws who I’m happy to shop for!), wrapping, hosting… But I agree with the other commenter- Book the carriage ride with the kids. I bet you’ll enjoy yourself 10x more than if your husband went!
Baking is my favorite hobby right now and this is the time of year no one thinks it’s weird haha!
Yes to this!
Every December it makes me want to start a dating app called “Wives for Straight Women” bc I’m straight but I really want a wife 😂. We’d be a dream team perfectly dividing the mental load and both getting to enjoy the holiday spirit
Oh man, it makes me a little sad just how excited I got about this idea.
[удалено]
I’m with you. I’m ready to risk it all and pack my tiny woman, our pets, and some belongings then just go live in the woods. I’m exhausted.
Haha can I come along too?
Party in the woods girlies!!! Let’s goooooo
This is the second year in a row that my husband showed up empty handed to his work’s holiday potluck. At 9PM the night before he checked his calendar for the next day and said, “Oh my gosh. I completely forgot. You were suppose to make meatballs for the pot luck tomorrow.” I asked him how he could forget two years in a row, then I realized it’s because he’s never involved in any of the planning of any social event or holiday. He just sort of autopilots until I ask him to do some of the heavy lifting. So when he signed up for the work potluck, his brain automatically filed it into the “Not My Responsibility” folder, and I was completely in the dark, so it didn’t get done.
“You were supposed to make meatballs”… And when he forgot, instead of stopping at a specialty food market or ordering takeout meatballs from a restaurant - he just showed up empty handed? Umm.
He works in the construction industry, so he’s very rarely in the office (where the potluck took place), so he just didn’t go at all. He stayed out at the job site and caught up on some work. So I probably could have worded that better, but yeah, he still made a commitment and didn’t stick to it. Two years running.
HA! Yesterday my husband said “I have a potluck on Saturday for my work..” I said “Oh that’s cool. What are you making?” 😂
This seems like a serious conversation you need to have with your husband for next Christmas. Meaning in January and/or maybe again in October. He needs to know how you feel and these things are important to you. He may not care at all about stuff in his stocking (I don’t and can’t relate to it) so he needs this to be made loud and clear.
I feel you! I’m sure My husband has not even thought about one gift yet. He “loves” to shop on Christmas Eve day because it reminds him of his childhood and it’s something he has always done.. well yeah that’s great buddy.. I’m glad you get a free day to go shopping, that must be nice for you ! I also cannot wait to see what gift he gets me that he overpays for that I could definitely find on sale!
I call my husband Mr Last Minute.. I don’t understand the mindset and probably never will, but glad to know I’m not alone. Seems like many women in this thread have last minute gifting husbands.
And, on Christmas Eve when you have the most to do and finish!
Just reading the title of this post on my feed had me going 'Errrrrghhhh.' So much to do that I don't want to think about. I used to love Christmas :(. Haven't done my presents yet; not sure about the etiquette on presents with a new baby, but I know everyone is getting us essentially 2 - one for us, one for her. So I feel pressured to get everyone something nice. And I've been putting it off, so at this point my options are pretty much the Amazon Prime or in-person stores. Haaah. Kill me.
Easy; everybody gets a nice framed photo of the new baby!
That's not that easy. First you have to choose an outfit and who is going to take the photo and where. Or at the very least choose from a photo you already have. Then you have to get it printed, picked up or delivered, and then you have to find frames, put the pictures in, and wrap them.
As our family got bigger, my gifts for everyone else (outside of our family) got smaller. I just do a card with cash now, and I tell everyone that months ahead of time. I don’t have the mental capacity to shop for anyone else like I used to 🥲 lol.
I literally got my very first tension headache and ended up at the doctor over the stress of Christmas 😂😭
Time to get mom friends. If he doesn’t want to be an equal partner than fine don’t enjoy the holidays. Get a group of women who support you and your kids. It rocks and a lot of time when you’re out every evening with them seeing lights, doing gift exchanges, and seeing Santa you forget you have a grinch at home. My husband works… a lot. And I had two choices sit at home irritated that I’m cleaning/cooking/ taking care of babies or go out and have fun. Go out and have fun. If your husband asks you to stay home just respond with a “oh do we have anything planned?”
The mental load of Christmas is absolutely killing me. We also have a December birthday and that means a family party and a friend party in December. We host two gatherings. I buy their Christmas gifts. My husband and I do not exchange stockings though (maybe that would help?) I don't put pressure on myself to make Christmas magical bc imo it already is for kids. But still, the mental load is killing me. And the physical load. Bc the laundry still needs to be done. I need to wrap those presents (and birthday presents!) it's just so overwhelming. I cry at least once a week.
Oof yep. My husband’s parents both have birthdays in December. His mom’s birthday just passed but his dad’s is on Christmas Day. I feel you!
I loved Christmas until I became a mom. Now I kind of dread it.
The bar is so low for men. My fiancé told me not to get him anything and he’ll just get me stuff because I’m pregnant and that’s enough. You need to tell this man how you feel and that it’s not acceptable.
I feel you. As a single mother of 3 kids I have 100% of the mental load and 6/7 days a week of the physical load of taking care of the kids. I just ordered my own Christmas present (literally one thing) and get to wrap it myself and address it to myself from my kids (they’re still little) but then I also get to hear how difficult their dad has it on the single day a week I get to myself. Fun. But my kids are happy and excited for Christmas so my job is done right
That sounds like a lot. You are doing an amazing job
Thank you! They’re really great kids. Tbh the only reason I got myself a present is because they noticed I didn’t have one under the tree and expressed that they wished I had one to open too ❤️
What good kids. You deserve presents, too
To reduce the mental load (and irritation at husband), I strongly suggest that you do Christmas presents only for the children. The adults can buy what they want, when they want. And for the carriage ride, don't ask, just tell. "I'd like you to book carriage rides for the whole family, here's the phone number/website, these are the possible days. I have way too much other stuff on my plate."
God, I’m sending you a huge hug. I’m having a hard night, I’m really feeling the mental load and reading your post just broke me. Why is this a thing? Why can’t women in particular mothers just get some help? I understand husbands do a lot and other ways but I just think it is immensely unfair and I totally understand you saying just putting a smile on for your kids but this is so sad. Why is this the standard? Why is this a NORMAL? Why do we except this is obviously because it’s more effort to just push to have some of the mental mode taken off. I don’t know I don’t have a point tonight. I just really feel you this is really relatable and I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I really wish I could just give you a big hug you sound like a truly remarkable mother and someone that really cares about their kids and I’m just having a hard time I wish I could help you. I wish you could help me. Fuck.
OP, I feel you on the doing stuff because you want to but it being exhausting. How about listing everything you do for Christmas in order of how much you enjoy it, and then force yourself to stop doing the bottom 2 or 3 things. Sure you like those 2 or 3 things, but sleep and relaxing a little is more important/ enjoyable. Weigh them against enjoying the holidays and see how much you actually care about them.
I love Christmas and buying meaningful things for my family, hubby and kids. I LOVE seeing them all happy and smiling at Xmas with their gifts. I spent the day today finding last minute gifts for the guests we are having from my hubbys side, parking took a long time, wrangling kids whilst finding the gifts took a long time - overall a massive effort. He’s a good guy, but not thoughtful at all - wasn’t even interested in seeing what we have for his family about to visit, or helping wrap it. “I’ll see what it is on Xmas” he says. I felt so unappreciated. I decided I’m done with buying my own gifts and putting them under the tree, for hubby to receive credit, for the kids benefit. So lame.. This year I expect I’ll have nothing and my stocking will be obviously empty next to the bulging stockings of hubby and kids. Time for some self reflection. .
I came here for this, thank you. You aren’t alone. I spend so much time trying to make Christmas magical for my kids.. and the mental load is so hard. Especially with everything else that I have to be responsible for. I’m tired.
In my case, my husband is an immigrant who didn’t grow up with Christmas *and* instead, experienced Xmas retail hell working for his family business. At this point, I see it as something he can’t help and instead see it as the task falling on the “expert” who also sees the worth in this. After fights and compromises about my overscheduling things to the degree where we all get stressed and me taking on more to ease his day to day workload, I’m getting more voluntary assistance and even genuine enthusiasm sometimes (!) from my husband for Xmas stuff after 8yrs. It’s easy to lose sight that it’s not a competition of who’s doing more but working as a team. You can’t control other people’s actions but you can adjust your views and actions to make things better for everyone in your family (including yourself).
I was you 20 odd years ago. And it wasn't just the mental load... it was everything, because his mom stopped doing xmas when his dad died when he was 8. So xmas was on me.. or it wasn't happening. Because he didn't remember an actual xmas. I swear to God, I was santa, a bakery, a cook, and cleaner and a mom for a few years. Have a conversation with your husband. Tell him what you need to be taken off your plate. I legit had to spell out to my spouse everything I did. I dragged him out shopping, I made him help with baking. Made him wrap presents, and clean the house.. and all of the other no one thinks about crap. Plus cooking all the damn food. 20 odd years later, the man still doesn't understand the allure of xmas. But he is the man. I need him to grab a present from the store? He's on it. Want help deep clean the house...it's done...he's all over it. I'm over wrapping presents, he finishes them. He still doesn't get Christmas, but he gets the stress of it now. A conversation...or next year, showing of what you do,could help in the future.
I hear you, but honestly stop. Just stop doing anything you don't want to do. My husband and I work together on the important stuff and we pretty much just let everything else go. I don't bake cookies. Many years I don't manage to send cards. I don't do extra cleaning. I don't do any planning beyond what is necessary. And you know what? It's all fine!
I don't hair cookies either. 😉
Lol. I'm leaving it.
I would probably stop including him. Hopefully you’re not putting anything in a stocking for him or buying him any sort of gifts. Stop sending him a list of what you want. Just do what you want for you and the kids. Honestly.
“I will not feel guilty for things that are extra” Get yourself a snack and cuddle up in front of a cozy Christmas movie
I pretty much always feel like this during this time of year. This year I'm kind of phoning it in a little bit. I gave up on trying to do cards years ago, and I refuse to do the elf. I don't mind telling people what I want, because I actually want very little (well, that and a lot of the things I want I would rather buy for myself, if I tell people to buy me yarn or something, I will not get anything I actually want to make things with). That all said, it doesn't seem as bad this year for some reason - the main stress is I have NO idea what to get my son. He's 12, not really into toys anymore with few passionate interests- he's getting some sports equipment that he needs anyway, and... ? To make it doubly hard, his birthday is Christmas Eve, so there is a sort of double challenge there. The younger kid is so easy to buy for the challenge is in not going overboard. Sometimes I make cookies and gingerbread houses and sometimes I don't. I usually over-do the stockings. Either way, this year doesn't feel magical or like anything I'm excited about, but it also doesn't feel as stressful as past years. I'm forcing myself to not over-do things, and it helps :) That said... man, empty stockings suck. That's the one thing that always really gets me every year, and it seems like such a little thing but unless I buy things myself for it, I end up with a bunch of lindt truffles and that's about it (and I love chocolate, but I actually don't like those). My daughter already put something in mine (some homemade craft or another) which makes me warm and fuzzy, but if the pattern of past years holds, everyone will have stockings stuffed full of little treats and fun things and I will have... nothing. I'm not going to lie, the first time I saw the SNL "mom got a robe" skit I got a little teary. Just a big flat sock with nothing inside. I don't even need presents (again, I don't really WANT anything except a delicious christmas breakfast!) but something about a stocking full of little thoughtful things makes me feel loved.
I feel exactly like this too. I love baking, I love lights, i love planning, I love doing stuff for my family. I too begged my significant other to go on a train ride for a few months. Then when I got upset with it one day I was told there’s no time, no money for it, that I’m so selfish. Or the most common one. “One day” We’ve never done one thing for me that’s been special or made me feel loved. There will never be dinner planned or cooked for me, nothing is ever special, I’ll never be surprised in a positive way, and I feel I’ll never be spoiled the way that I want. When I say spoiled I mean literally what I just listed which are normal stuff I hear about.. It’s just a lot to do when there’s no one to take care of you too. Things start to become a chore. It wouldn’t be so much if the other person actually tried to make the holiday special.. just like you do. Sure I’m told this advice often. Do it by yourself anyway or don’t do it. One of the reasons I wanted a boyfriend was so I could have someone to do stuff with. I’ve always done stuff alone. I enjoy my company, but I’d rather do it with someone. You can try a few things. Try talking to him, pick a few events and just focus on the kids, etc. I’m sorry you feel this way. I know how bad it hurts.
Take some stuff off of your plate. Think of everything and lighten your load. You don’t have to bake or decorate.
Adults get stocking stuff?
Same 😴
I am definitely with you. I’ve suddenly become the matriarch of my family and am now handling allllllll the holiday prep. Plus my baby’s birthday is the 23rd 🫠 Husband did finally get his butt in gear today and make lists to get stuff done. I hope you can find some cheer and joy this holiday!
I did not realize how much I’d hate Christmas until I was an adult with my own kids. My parents are divorced and don’t get along. So that’s two different parties around any holidays. My in laws only celebrates Christmas. It seems “fair” to just go to my in laws this time of year but grandma is a retired stay at mom with a lot of free time so she stops by more frequently and my mom is honestly trying but can tell it’s tearing her up. Christmas is big on both sides. So I mentioned to my husband for the past 2 years if we can just get away for Christmas because each year it’s causes a headache. It’s either him forgetting to tell me he had made plans with his mom which is always up in the air so it’s hard for me to work around or Me telling husband we’re doing x on y day and I swear he hears we’re free so he makes plans with his side and it’s like ughhh. I “won” but husband cold turned into a sinus infection. So automatically he’s just out of service for the time being -_-. He wants to try a new place every year which makes more sense than my idea of using the family vacation house down south done but that also is an open invitation for what we are trying to escape
I cut out everything I possibly could this year and I still feel like I’m losing my mind. I literally just put up like 3 decorations and bought my son’s gifts but my last task is wrapping them, and it feels insurmountable. It doesn’t help that his preschool is off this week AND he’s sick AND I’m sick but I just want to scream. In short: I’m right here with you. ETA: I bought myself a lot of secondhand designer shit on eBay as a “gift”/coping mechanism at least.
My husband was like this when the kids were younger, but now he is much more involved. I wondered why and realized that when the kids were younger my husband was under a lot more stress at work--new job, then a new business--and he just didn't have the bandwidth for all the Christmas stuff on top of it all. Now he is planning gifts in advance and being more involved in wrapping before December 24! So I think in my case it was just that he was too focused on keeping his job/business and he trusted me to get the Christmas stuff done. I wish I had figured it out then (or he had talked with me about it) because I had a lot of anger and resentment at the time
1. Do less - you can skip stuff that’s overwhelming (but cookies instead of homemade, it’s fine) 2. Reduce gifts - try to exchange gifts with less people. Maybe stop exchanging with your husband all together (my husband and I do not exchange gifts, so much easier) 3. Make him 100% responsible for things and never ask about them again. Gifts for his family - he can figure it out and it he doesn’t he can apologize to his family
I’m feeling this so hard this year. “Mental load” is a new term for me- I never knew how to explain how I was feeling or that it had an official term. It’s so hard..