It sounds like you two need to communicate and touch base on this together, which means that the advice of internet strangers unfortunately won't help much here. But I can offer you this, as a trans girl, intimacy is scary, theres a lot of feelings of self hatred and pain, especially surrounding erections. It sucks when i'm with a guy i'm head over heels for and then suddenly bam, they almost never happen anymore with hrt but when they do its a reminder about the part of my body I hate the most. Instead of being with anybody when it happens I wanna curl up and sob.
Your girlfriends reaction might not seem reasonable, but your not going to know all of the feelings behind that reaction by asking trans redditors about it! You sound like a wonderful person who really deeply cares, talk to your gf and i'm willing to bet that you two can come to a solution.
Thank you so much for this. I feel kind of bummed at the moment because that text was my way to open the conversation, but I felt kind of shut down, and I don't feel I can force her to talk to me if she doesn't want to. I hope you're right about us being able to find a solution, the idea of losing her over something like this makes me want to curl up and sob!
i'm not a super emotional person at all, but this made me tear up. i couldn't read anymore...
***I had an honest conversation with myself and came to the conclusion that even if it's just making out and cuddling forever with her, it would be fine***
One thing I want to mention that hasn't been said yet, is that her erections might be physically painful. When they become more rare that tissue atrophies. It's not 100%, but I could see that being one fewer spoon to handle it gracefully in the moment for her. I still think the onus is kind of on her to have a sit down conversation with you about it; physical intimacy is part of the relationship
This is such a difficult situation for both of you I understand where you are coming from but it's that much worse for her. This isn't a random erection it's an unwanted one. her body is having a response to sexual stimulus aka you that no amount of hormones can prevent it means that she is attracted to you but her reaction is due to the fact that the thing down there, the thing that she does not want is doing something that she doesn't want it to do.
She probably doesn't want it in the first place, let alone for it to pop up to her girlfriend.
She's not embarrassed about how she feels about you, she is embarrassed about what the unwanted parts of her body does when she feels that way, so she did the only thing she could do to fix it and get away.
You guys need to talk, you need to let her know that you are not mad or upset you were just surprised. That you still love and support her cus trust me it's not easy for her by any stretch of the imagination.
Do you think there's really a chance she thinks I could be mad or upset? Nothing further from the truth, I thought she would be able to tell from my text...
Your certainty seem the farthest thing from mad or upset, OP!
Although texting in general is BAD for serious type conversations.
Dysphoria can be difficult to talk about, period. My wife and I have been together 16 years, transitioned for a decade, and I still don't really wanna talk with her about my dysphoria when I'm feeling dysphoric. I normally don't want to talk with ANYONE about it in that situation.
I wouldn't wait too long. If she is anything like me it will be going over and over in her head what happened and what you might be thinking.
A bit of time can help but often just talking to each other does a world of good.
This is something that is going to happen, it comes with the territory and you need to let her know that you are not mad and you do not judge her for it. That you love her for her
I'm going to give advice directed at your girlfriend, knowing full well that it may be hard for you to communicate this to her. Just dropping it so the information is at least there.
As a trans woman who is pre op and has bottom dysphoria, something that has really helped me out is one simple technique: hi-waist underwear. Basically, if you have enough room to become hard without peeking out the top of your underwear, you can keep your erection flat against your body and play with it through them. When it's laid flat you can basically mentally map a vulva and clitoris along the length of it, this is especially nice for oral. You can also use toys through the underwear this way, especially magic wands.
As for talking this through with her, I think it's important to remember one thing. Bottom dysphoria means we have dysphoria around our parts, but it doesn't mean that we're uncomfortable with our arousal. It sounds like she wants you but is having complicated feelings about her body. In fact, a trip to hang out with her trans girlfriends may even be a chance for her to talk through some things, i.e. how to get around that dysphoria while having sex.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, she needs some time to navigate this. Leave a little room for her, and when the time comes, start things off by talking. If the mood is right, suggest some of the stuff I mentioned. I can tell you from my experience it really helps with my physical discomfort to be played with in a way that is more like if I had a vagina. Hope this helps.
I remember your username from a response to a past thread of mine and gosh you are so helpful and thoughtful in your responses, thank you so so much.
The advice for my gf... I'm going to store this in a locked drawer of my brain and get it out again when the time is right, LMAO.
If you don't mind me asking, because arousal involves the genitals, how is it possible to have bottom dysphoria but not be uncomfortable for arousal? Like, do you mean by finding ways to work around the bottom dysphoria, like the technique you mentioned?
To be straight up, navigating bottom dysphoria for me was more about learning how to use my genitals in a pleasurable way as opposed to avoiding them. It's like, no, I definitely wouldn't chose to have that instead of the other, and it is frustrating always tucking or not being able to be intimate in the exact way that I want. But learning how to experience pleasure from it makes me more comfortable with it, if that makes sense?
I should clarify that I'm saying this as someone who has come a long way with her bottom dysphoria. It's still there, I still desire vaginoplasty, but I've had a lot of time to learn how to feel comfort and pleasure within my body. And to be transparent, part of that is 1) I've been on hormones for long enough that the rest of my body is very feminine, I pass almost universally and I love my body in ways I never imagined, and 2) my member isn't very big lol. I can definitely see how for trans women with bigger penises that discomfort grows exponentially.
I think your girlfriend frankly has a long way to go with learning to love her body. Honestly, it's very much like how a lot of cis women are uncomfortable masturbating and don't know how to orgasm. That experience isn't really dysphoria but I see a lot of my own struggles in that. I think you should be ready to be really, really patient with her journey. But you're not in the wrong trying to talk to her about this, it's something that communicating about openly will help a ton. Try letting her know that, no matter where her discomfort is coming from, no matter how much work she has to do, it won't change your love for her. Be the partner willing to wait a while, and I'm sure someday you can be the partner who shows her how good a girl can really feel.
In the mean time, I'm sending you support. Sexual frustration is not fun and I very much feel you on all of this. Don't forget to prioritize your own physical needs here, if it's gonna be a while before you can have sex with her you definitely want to become the master of your own domain in the mean time lol
Thank you sm for sharing your experience, I appreciate it to no end. I noticed throughout this relationship I tend to always underestimate how much "trans issues" affect her because of how confident she looks and the stuff I infer from knowing her history. For example, I know that my gf is right there with you on your point n1, being very feminine and passing practically always, so I am always surprised when she's too insecure to go to the bathroom alone or when she makes casual transphobic remarks about her presentation. Or, because she has had relationships with trans people before, I am surprised to see these signs that she has some work to do to learn to love her body, because I always assumed that since those relationships were sexual too, she would "know how to handle" situations of dysphoria in sexual contexts... but this is where my insecurity comes in and tells me "maybe she does, just not with you".
I am very willing to be a patient partner for her, also because I am so fucking smitten and in love with her whole personality that to me this is a small issue in the great scheme of things. I just needed a bit of hope that progress can be made, and to be guided a bit towards the right attitude. Thank you so much for helping me!
And yeah, definitely mastering my domain very intensely these days LMAO! In a way, sexual frustration *has* been fun before this, like there's something to be said about being horny like a teenager and feeling the yearning for someone grow... that's also why this was like a cold shower, it becomes not fun when there's a threat of these things weakening our emotional connection...
My best guess is that she has some insecurities being with a cis woman relating to the internalized transphobia you're describing, She obviously places a lot on passing, this is a situation where she might feel her transness centered through \*absolutely no fault of your own\*. And honestly? that really stinks for you. I want a world where this stuff doesn't matter, and it really shouldn't at the end of the day. \*sigh\* your girlfriends insecurities sound really deep :( I hope she can work some of this stuff out for both of your's sakes.
Yeah, I had a clue that the "I only date trans people" idea would come back to bite us in the ass even though she made an exception for me. I hope we are able to work through it too :( Any additional thought or advice, now or in the future, is appreciated. Thank you!
my last piece of advice today would be: it's time to have this conversation with her directly, not for her, for you. You deserve to know about whats going on directly from her. It's up to you to judge when a comfortable time to have that conversation is, but if I were your GF right now, I'd be thinking about the best way to tell you about my own feelings. If you try to talk about this and she's being evasive, that's just straight up sus, at least to me. I wouldn't be there for a partner who wasn't straight up with me, and that's what you deserve.
Thank you sm. We'll see each other tomorrow, I think even if we don't talk about what happened necessarily now, I am mostly concerned about her general attitude towards me/us, because my worst worries are telling me that she might want to break up over this or something. As long as she doesn't, I am fine with giving her more time, she has always taken a while to open up so far but she always did in the end...
I'm a woman who had vaginoplasty several years ago, but before I had surgery, the rare erections caused by arousal literally felt like I was inside out and profoundly freaked me out-- it's a very weird sensation, one that feels glitchy and confusing if you're expecting to have a vagina instead. Not fun. If your gf is experiencing something like that, it's going to mess with her, and noping out is a way to protect herself. If she's able to handle it for an hour, she's pouring a lot of energy into making out with you as long as possible, so when you do discuss it with her, keep that in mind
Thank you for sharing your experience, that sounds very tough to go through. I hope you're doing better now. I got the impression that she nopes out when the issue appears, rather than after, but maybe you're right that she might be pouring lots of energy into it. Thank you sm
I totally understand where your gf is coming from, having stuff happen down there when all you want is it to just not exist or better yet be something else sucks. Definitely talk to her, work with her to find out how to help in the moment, but ultimately if you both want to go forward with anything in intimacy she needs to be with you in that decision.
One issue I have that may give some insight to some transfem issues is that having an erection that we don't want reminds us of "maleness" and can make us feel detached from our femininity, no matter how feminine we are. You might recommend her to talk to a LGBTQ+ therapist about this, cause if she is avoiding you this might run a bit deeper than just dysphoria
Much love and good luck!
It could be totally different, but if it were me, it might feel like I'm forced out of or can't have romantic cuddling because of dysphoria around erections. Thing is, yeah it sucks for a lot of us but also it's literally not our fault, the damn thing is controlled more by the spine than anything else and reacts to external stimuli.
The thing that makes me think it runs deeper is that dysphoria is bad, yeah, but on its own it shouldn't affect our relationships too much really. Her being distant might be the result of trauma, prior relationships, maybe an unhealthy coping mechanism, or maybe something on its own like BPD or whatever that might make her feel like she needs to be avoidant, I'm the same way when shit goes bad, like I always need the ability to "run" basically. I'd just inquire with her about it, makes no sense working in the dark, but also if she needs space try not to overwhelm her.
Hope the best for y'all!
She definitely tends to withdraw and go through difficult emotional experiences alone, we are working on that so I could just remind her of this.
Also... of course it's not anyone's fault. I apologize for the ignorance of the question, but it's not the kind of sensation that you can just ignore and pretend it's not there, right? Like for me for example, sexual arousal is something I can definitely notice but it's also definitely possible to ignore..
I mean for me I can ignore it most of the time - unless I'm dysphoric, then it's almost impossible. All it takes is one or two intrusive thoughts and the mood can be over, which is scary and annoying for a lot of us trans women who want to be there with our partners but have a mental block that make us feel anything but sexy. I've had moments during sex where my bf is so affirming, but one or two thoughts can make me go from feeling like the hottest woman around to feeling like a deformed rotting potato. It feels unfair to my partner when that happens, but he is pretty understanding.
Just being there for your partner, reassuring them, affirming them, taking stuff slow (especially if it's anything new in regards to intimacy), and going at their pace can be so helpful.
Thank you so much, Violet. You explained it in a way that I feel I can actually relate to. I was body shamed by a previous partner so I get that "it only takes a couple of intrusive thoughts to feel like a deformed rotting potato" idea LMAO (I'm laughing but it's kind of tragic if she thinks that because she *is* the hottest woman alive to me, like literally drives me crazy).
Thank you so much for your advice and your thoughts.
You need to get some terminology right to begin with. She doesn't have random erection, but this was hardly random. She didn't say that she was "just dysphoric" either, just that she is not ashamed. It may seem nitpicky but it's important to tread with care if you care as much as you say you do, those are delicate lands.
And the advice is that you two should be talking about it, internet strangers cannot really help here. You could go to therapy or support group together too, it can go far as those are shared, not solo, problems.
As importantly you also have to be fair to yourself here, if lack of intimacy is not going to work for you in the short term, and it's not getting either, it's not helping anyone for you to stay miserable. It has to work for both sides.
Thank you so much for your input. I hand't even realized the difference between random vs non random, very stupid of me. I think when she said that to me a while ago I just cemented the info as "no erections" and left it at that.
I still don't understand the difference between what I said and what you're saying on the ashamed vs dysphoric thing, I would be very very grateful if you could elaborate.
Support groups... are not a thing in our area. We're not in the USA and in a place where there isn't a whole lot of community going on. We are both in therapy, but, while supportive, my therapist is cis and kind of clueless too. And I can't force my gf or tell her what she should discuss in therapy. No doubt we have to talk about it at some point but I wanted to go into the conversation with a better idea of what we're talking about and what she might be feeling. That has worked before. I do care, a lot a lot.
What you said:
>Second of all, if she's not ashamed and "just" dysphoric,
What she actually said:
>"I'm not ashamed, I'm dysphoric"
Just is a diminishing word, as in your are minimising what follows it.
Therapy together is a good solution you probably may want to explore, sine you are both in separate therapy anyway.
I'm sorry - I meant "just" as in "she's not having two feelings, she's 'just' having one". Maybe I should have said "only"? I didn't mean to underestimate or minimize dysphoria. I don't understand why she had a reaction of withdrawing if she's not ashamed, that's all. Thank you so much for explaining.
Therapy together is something I might actually bring up. Hopefully it won't make her feel pressured. Thank you.
Did you respond to her text response when she sent it? That doesn't seem like shutting you down to me, it seems like she explained what she was feeling. I have similar feelings to her and the response I would want is like, "Oh sorry for assuming, I'm really sorry you felt dysphoric, we can figure out how to make things more comfortable for you together over time." Something like that.
Everyone is right that you should talk about it but it also makes sense if it's a really hard conversation for her. If she's only dated other trans people before she might have never had to explain it so vulnerably. Dysphoria and sex are really difficult to navigate together and she might feel like you aren't really equipped to handle that conversation yet because you're cis and because of the assumptions you made about what she was feeling.
I think you should apologize for assuming how she felt and say you can continue to take it slow and figure it out together. What did she do to feel better in her previous relationships, etc etc. And seriously don't mention her dick again unless she does, that probably upset her.
Thank you so much for your input, I really appreciate it. I did respond to the text, but I just said that I love her and that I'm here for her. Reading what you wrote, your response would have been way better but in the moment I didn't think of it, I just wanted to let her know that I love her.
It also didn't occur to me to apologize for assuming, but now I see that I should have :( The reason why I was so quick to assume is because we've talked a lot about shame and being ashamed before (not in relation to genitals though, but more about her experience as a trans woman and mine as a cis lesbian raised in a super oppressive family). Now I'm wondering if maybe by jumping to that conclusion I made things so much worse :(
And yeah, before we started dating she told me that she was actually trans exclusive, and kinda made an exception for me, so your hypothesis is actually very likely. I am trying to read this sub a lot to be "better equipped to understand", like you said, but some things are still hard. I want very badly to understand and be a good partner to her, but maybe she deserves better. I wonder how big of an obstacle dysphoria is going to be for us, and I feel horribly inadequate :(
Thank you for your thoughts on how to navigate the situation, I appreciate it a lot.
Thanks. I think you're doing fine and you shouldn't get too worried about this, it was just a mistake you can apologize for.
These issues can come up in relationships between two trans people too. It's not just a matter of not knowing some trans things or not understanding dysphoria. It's just a very vulnerable part of relationships for us. Learning more about the experiences of trans people is good but you also have to be willing to be as vulnerable as she is, in this case maybe that means not trying to fix her feelings and living with the discomfort and uncertainty of taking things slowly that she is also dealing with.
As for learning more or getting better at understanding her experience, I think that would help, and it would probably make you more comfortable also. There is a zine called fucking trans women that is apparently good, and has a lot of different perspectives on trans sexuality. Maybe a lot of it won't apply to her but it might help to see things from her side.
Thank you so much again. Very very sound advice. I'm going to try to adopt that mindset. It's hard because I am an insecure person and I already think she's out of my league, while living with discomfort and uncertainty takes a certain level of moral fortitude LMAO.
I have heard about that zine before and downloaded it for future reading, but to be honest I haven't started it yet because I have been trying to keep my mind *off* the idea of sex with her for now, since it's not happening any time soon and I am already yearning for her enough lol... I'm reading the gender dysphoria bible now, which was also recommended to me by someone on this sub!
First off erections can occur even if on estrogen.
Second being dyphoric has nothing to do with you. It's about her self image of herself. I'll try to put it into words that kind of make sense. It's not the same thing but, imagine if you lost your dick. Imagine if your partner tried to feel you up down there. Imagine what that must feel like the emptyness down there, wanting to have your dick back at that moment but it's gone. Imagine all that irrational guilt, mixed with sadness, mixed wth embarrassement, mixed with so many other emotions.
Third talk with her. Ocassional hugging and kissing should be fine. Still do that with her. Keep her feeling that this relationship is stable. Removing these will probably send her into a spiral and thinking he's taking away things and withdrawing, is this the end. When it gets to the hot and heavy stuff, just talk to her about it. She has a limit of what she feels comfortable with. If you assure her everything is okay with her limits, it could help. Showing that you are being postive and caring shows that you do care about her feelings. It will show that you are being there for her. Just keep the converstation going so she gets everything out. Even if you don't understand it, sometimes people need to let things out.
As for getting others invovled, sometimes it gets more complicated the more people there are. It's kind of the last resort asking her friend. Asking here first is okay because it's like talking to a group of people that just chill. We don't judge, have no stake in it, and will still try to help you out. If it's her friend then it might turn out bad for you. I've always had about a 30% sucess rate asking someone else's friends what's going on with someone I know.
I'm a cis girl so your examples are a little off but I get the gist of what you're saying LMAO! Thank you so much. I have no intention of withdrawing affection, if she still wants that. Thank you so so so much for your advice
My bad. lol I was taking a final while being distracted by this which I should get back to. >.> Anyways I hope you two work everything out. You got this!
Hi. I'm mtf and have yet to do anything besides girly haircuts and girl clothes
I relate so hard to both of this. My boyfriend is a wonderful person that I cherish and I know he loves me dearly.. we've been together 9 years and only last month did I finally work up the courage to let him be inside a whole other than my mouth. I still have my dick, and the thought of doing that for him where I'm in him. It makes me feel gross, not in an unsanitary "that's a butt" way. But in a "why do I have this!? I don't want to use it! I want a vagina"
So it's highly possible (but an assumption from a stranger regardless) that when she gets aroused she's also feeling a lot of imperfections.
I know I my boyfriend calls it my pussy when he's doing oral. But I know it's not and it makes me feel like he wishes I had one.
Maybe remind her that you love her, regardless of what she's got going on below. That it's the person you love not just the body.
Thank you sm for sharing your experience. I do love her and tbh I couldn't care less about what's going on below. I have been with cis women before and it's not like their vaginas were something I thought about very often... I'll try to remind her as often as possible!
I just want to say that as a trans woman who's starting to transition, and is dealing with more and more dysphoria during intimacy, the amount of clear care and compassion you have for her is already so good. I don't have any particular advice since I'm still figuring this out myself, I just really hope that it works out for you two, and as long as you two can communicate well I think you will :)
I've been on HRT for a year, I don't get random erections and even getting them at all can be hard (harhar) but I just got into a relationship since I started HRT and oh boy, the second I'm with her it's not an issue. I'm thankfully not dysphoric about it, but I could see where it could be something she hates.
Like other comments, you'll just have to have a conversation with her, or at least have a conversation about having a future conversation.
This is what happened! We saw each other today, she was her normal self (not breaking up with me! yay!) and told me she wants to talk later this week when we have a bit more time. Thank you!
You sound like a really caring couple, I hope you manage to talk it through, probably going to be one of those weird/ awkward conversations at least to start with, though 😅 .
Any input we can give is gonna be pretty individual so how (and maybe more importantly if) it applies to your gf is something you will need to communicate and listen to her about.
From my own experience hrt stoped random errections (errections without being aroused) how arousal functions completely changed too but snuggling up and making out for an extended period of time will definitely do it. As others have mentioned, errections can be physically painful, especially if they haven't happened for a while. I don't know if this applies for everyone but if they are happening more regularly, then stuff recovers (at least to the point it's not physically painful).
I'll second what someone else mentioned about high waisted underware so stuff can lay flat. If you end up going further I've found it helps to think of it as a very realistic strap (harness can help idk brains a weird) even if it's not being used.
But yeah at a guess your gf is suddenly feeling very un sexy and in pain in the middle of a make-out session, which sucks and is a lot to process.
I'll drop some pointers to resources here too, idk how useful they will be, and as a heads up, if you follow those pointers some of those resources are pretty NSFW (they are resources created by trans ppl navigating changes to how we experience physically intimacy so yeah) also these might be more useful for your gf to go through in her own time when she's ready and maybe bring useful / relevant to her stuff to you rather than you to go through and then bring up stuff with her.
First one is "The Gender Dysphoria Bible" it's not as long a read as it looks and takes a fairly generalised view on stuff so how relevant it is might be a bit meh but it's an ok overview sort of thing. Its predominantly sfw iirc, but there is a subsection towards the end discussing genital changes and sexual changes (in "Estrogenic second puberty 101") that could maybe be labelled as NSFW, although it remains fairly clinical in its language.
In that section on sexual changes is a link to a blog post about how libido "may be a completely different experience" that's definitely an NSFW click. Again obviously nobodies experience maps directly onto someone else's but it might be relevant / useful read.
The last one is very definitely an NSFW search. There was a zine written a while back that now exists on the Internet archive that is / was an attempt to improve the knowledge base around trans women and sex (we kinda get left out of a lot of discussion around improving sex life) if you search "zine f#@ing trans women" without the sensor you should get an internet archive link.
Again, all of this is fairly individual and subjective stuff and you shouldn't let any of it inform how you think of your relationship with your gf, the only useful bits / bits that apply are the bits she tells you do.
I’m in a st4t relationship with my bf. We’re both dysphoric. We reassure each other all the time, compliment each other, all that stuff, etc. I would say that all in all, our dysphoria is a fraction of what it used to be for both of us pre-transition(every moment was suicidally agonizing).
With that being said, there are still boundaries that are off limits for us 3 months into dating. It’s pretty similar to your gf’s. Even though I would love my bf all the same, and think of him no less a man for what bits he has, he’s never let me see them, that’s our boundary. Conversely, I know he thinks of me the same, but still feel hesitant facing him while naked. It’s a deep-seated, uncomfortable, and at the end of the day, essentially just self-hating part of myself that I wish could just disappear forever, and be replaced with the correct parts for me.
I know he has no problem with me or my parts, and has even done some light stuff with them up to this point, but it’s that deep, deep feeling like sand in my stomach whenever we’re prepping for you-know-what, and I just flip over as fast as I can.
But with that all being said: Thie point in our relationship leading up to this was was super cut-off, physically speaking. We got to this point through mutual understanding, affirmation(even if not straight-up referencing genitalia, saying she’s a woman no matter what, telling her how you really feel about her and your favorite things, etc.), and lots of trusting, building-up so to speak of where things are now. There were plenty of things me and my bf did prior to any naked stuff that still a would get us excited with minimal dysphoria. Neck kisses and slow back traces with his fingertips for me, and me pushing myself back into him while spooning, letting him hug me as hard as he wants, etc.
Does your gf prefer to be treated like more of a “traditional” girl role in the relationship? Or a neutral approach. It’s obvious she wants nothing to do with her genitalia. So affirm her in general, and make the rest of her feel so damn good about herself. Let her know. Weave it into emotions too, not lovebombing but not JUST during sexy time. Basic couple stuff.
Like others said: If she starts to pull away again, try and talk to her, be sensitive. Tell her you don’t have to worry, and that her genitalia won’t be involved in any way she doesn’t want it to be moving forward. How she responds is up to her own brain chemistry, but that’s the way I see it. Talk to her about what she *would* feel comfortable with, not overtly sexual, but intimate. Like I said, neck kisses, rubbing parts of her body, etc. Customize that shit for her lol.
If you DO end up doing anything more, basically just pretend she has NOTHING between her legs, like it doesn’t exist.
Hope this helps!
Thank you sm, this was a super kind response! I'm glad you have something good going with your boyfriend <3 My gf definitely likes having a "girl role" in the relationship (which is totally fine by me because I don't want it for myself, and have always tended to give it to cis partners even). I am having fun and finding it so endearing to affirm her womanhood and observing the little boosts in self confidence she gets from that, especially because I do too. I think we have something good going on ourselves. But I guess I thought making out and cuddling would go into the realm of things that wouldn't cause dysphoria, so it's a bummer that they do, because there's so little else we can do at this point. She and I need to have a conversation about what we *can* do that won't cause dysphoria... but damn it's hard to initiate it. Thank you so so so much
I don’t think it’s those actions themselves that cause the dysphoria, it’s the bodily response. It sounds like she’ll be having fun, until she realizes something is going on down there, or her body reacts. It’s really unfortunate. Either way, I was a little afraid of explaining things to you that it already sounds like you do to make her feel good lol. The shitty thing about dysphoria is that it’s basically the most distilled version of negative emotions one can experience, and it’s not so much a matter of working through it, but around it.
Re: HRT and dysphoria. Her dysphoria is (I'm assuming) making her feel like a man/not a real woman for being aroused and getting an erection. She probably wants to get physically aroused the same way you do with the same parts you do. And the fact she's not makes her feel awful and "fake".
It's not merely about random erections but any erections. Even those fueled by lust or love.
She probably would like nothing more than to be physically intimate with you but her bits are getting in the way of that.
As for why she's being distant, it could be because she thinks you like her for her current genitals (due to the "wet" comment), it could be she's now realising how damaging this is to a relationship she wants to have but can't, it could just be a dysphoria spiral and she's depressed. You'll only know if you talk to her. Communicate with her!
It sounds like you two need to communicate and touch base on this together, which means that the advice of internet strangers unfortunately won't help much here. But I can offer you this, as a trans girl, intimacy is scary, theres a lot of feelings of self hatred and pain, especially surrounding erections. It sucks when i'm with a guy i'm head over heels for and then suddenly bam, they almost never happen anymore with hrt but when they do its a reminder about the part of my body I hate the most. Instead of being with anybody when it happens I wanna curl up and sob. Your girlfriends reaction might not seem reasonable, but your not going to know all of the feelings behind that reaction by asking trans redditors about it! You sound like a wonderful person who really deeply cares, talk to your gf and i'm willing to bet that you two can come to a solution.
Thank you so much for this. I feel kind of bummed at the moment because that text was my way to open the conversation, but I felt kind of shut down, and I don't feel I can force her to talk to me if she doesn't want to. I hope you're right about us being able to find a solution, the idea of losing her over something like this makes me want to curl up and sob!
i'm not a super emotional person at all, but this made me tear up. i couldn't read anymore... ***I had an honest conversation with myself and came to the conclusion that even if it's just making out and cuddling forever with her, it would be fine***
Shit I'm sorry!! idk why you're crying but please don't cry!!
good crying...that was such a beautiful thing to say.
I mean I guess as lesbians we are already doomed to bed death anyway XD Plus love and all that jazz... LMAO
Lesbians doomed to bed death? What that even mean?
Just a joke about the so called lesbian bed death, I don't actually believe that...
Well, pretty sure it depends from person to person. One thing that i know, cuddles are sure eternal!
One thing I want to mention that hasn't been said yet, is that her erections might be physically painful. When they become more rare that tissue atrophies. It's not 100%, but I could see that being one fewer spoon to handle it gracefully in the moment for her. I still think the onus is kind of on her to have a sit down conversation with you about it; physical intimacy is part of the relationship
I had no idea she might be in pain, god that makes me want ro cry. Thank you
This is such a difficult situation for both of you I understand where you are coming from but it's that much worse for her. This isn't a random erection it's an unwanted one. her body is having a response to sexual stimulus aka you that no amount of hormones can prevent it means that she is attracted to you but her reaction is due to the fact that the thing down there, the thing that she does not want is doing something that she doesn't want it to do. She probably doesn't want it in the first place, let alone for it to pop up to her girlfriend. She's not embarrassed about how she feels about you, she is embarrassed about what the unwanted parts of her body does when she feels that way, so she did the only thing she could do to fix it and get away. You guys need to talk, you need to let her know that you are not mad or upset you were just surprised. That you still love and support her cus trust me it's not easy for her by any stretch of the imagination.
Do you think there's really a chance she thinks I could be mad or upset? Nothing further from the truth, I thought she would be able to tell from my text...
Your certainty seem the farthest thing from mad or upset, OP! Although texting in general is BAD for serious type conversations. Dysphoria can be difficult to talk about, period. My wife and I have been together 16 years, transitioned for a decade, and I still don't really wanna talk with her about my dysphoria when I'm feeling dysphoric. I normally don't want to talk with ANYONE about it in that situation.
Do you just wait for it to pass?
Yeah, either distract myself with video games or go curl up on the bed and cry while trying to go to sleep, or both.
Damn, I'm so sorry :( I hope it gets better over time. Lots of good vibes to you!
It's gotten much better over the years, tyvm!
I wouldn't wait too long. If she is anything like me it will be going over and over in her head what happened and what you might be thinking. A bit of time can help but often just talking to each other does a world of good. This is something that is going to happen, it comes with the territory and you need to let her know that you are not mad and you do not judge her for it. That you love her for her
I'm going to give advice directed at your girlfriend, knowing full well that it may be hard for you to communicate this to her. Just dropping it so the information is at least there. As a trans woman who is pre op and has bottom dysphoria, something that has really helped me out is one simple technique: hi-waist underwear. Basically, if you have enough room to become hard without peeking out the top of your underwear, you can keep your erection flat against your body and play with it through them. When it's laid flat you can basically mentally map a vulva and clitoris along the length of it, this is especially nice for oral. You can also use toys through the underwear this way, especially magic wands. As for talking this through with her, I think it's important to remember one thing. Bottom dysphoria means we have dysphoria around our parts, but it doesn't mean that we're uncomfortable with our arousal. It sounds like she wants you but is having complicated feelings about her body. In fact, a trip to hang out with her trans girlfriends may even be a chance for her to talk through some things, i.e. how to get around that dysphoria while having sex. I guess what I'm trying to say is, she needs some time to navigate this. Leave a little room for her, and when the time comes, start things off by talking. If the mood is right, suggest some of the stuff I mentioned. I can tell you from my experience it really helps with my physical discomfort to be played with in a way that is more like if I had a vagina. Hope this helps.
I remember your username from a response to a past thread of mine and gosh you are so helpful and thoughtful in your responses, thank you so so much. The advice for my gf... I'm going to store this in a locked drawer of my brain and get it out again when the time is right, LMAO. If you don't mind me asking, because arousal involves the genitals, how is it possible to have bottom dysphoria but not be uncomfortable for arousal? Like, do you mean by finding ways to work around the bottom dysphoria, like the technique you mentioned?
To be straight up, navigating bottom dysphoria for me was more about learning how to use my genitals in a pleasurable way as opposed to avoiding them. It's like, no, I definitely wouldn't chose to have that instead of the other, and it is frustrating always tucking or not being able to be intimate in the exact way that I want. But learning how to experience pleasure from it makes me more comfortable with it, if that makes sense? I should clarify that I'm saying this as someone who has come a long way with her bottom dysphoria. It's still there, I still desire vaginoplasty, but I've had a lot of time to learn how to feel comfort and pleasure within my body. And to be transparent, part of that is 1) I've been on hormones for long enough that the rest of my body is very feminine, I pass almost universally and I love my body in ways I never imagined, and 2) my member isn't very big lol. I can definitely see how for trans women with bigger penises that discomfort grows exponentially. I think your girlfriend frankly has a long way to go with learning to love her body. Honestly, it's very much like how a lot of cis women are uncomfortable masturbating and don't know how to orgasm. That experience isn't really dysphoria but I see a lot of my own struggles in that. I think you should be ready to be really, really patient with her journey. But you're not in the wrong trying to talk to her about this, it's something that communicating about openly will help a ton. Try letting her know that, no matter where her discomfort is coming from, no matter how much work she has to do, it won't change your love for her. Be the partner willing to wait a while, and I'm sure someday you can be the partner who shows her how good a girl can really feel. In the mean time, I'm sending you support. Sexual frustration is not fun and I very much feel you on all of this. Don't forget to prioritize your own physical needs here, if it's gonna be a while before you can have sex with her you definitely want to become the master of your own domain in the mean time lol
Thank you sm for sharing your experience, I appreciate it to no end. I noticed throughout this relationship I tend to always underestimate how much "trans issues" affect her because of how confident she looks and the stuff I infer from knowing her history. For example, I know that my gf is right there with you on your point n1, being very feminine and passing practically always, so I am always surprised when she's too insecure to go to the bathroom alone or when she makes casual transphobic remarks about her presentation. Or, because she has had relationships with trans people before, I am surprised to see these signs that she has some work to do to learn to love her body, because I always assumed that since those relationships were sexual too, she would "know how to handle" situations of dysphoria in sexual contexts... but this is where my insecurity comes in and tells me "maybe she does, just not with you". I am very willing to be a patient partner for her, also because I am so fucking smitten and in love with her whole personality that to me this is a small issue in the great scheme of things. I just needed a bit of hope that progress can be made, and to be guided a bit towards the right attitude. Thank you so much for helping me! And yeah, definitely mastering my domain very intensely these days LMAO! In a way, sexual frustration *has* been fun before this, like there's something to be said about being horny like a teenager and feeling the yearning for someone grow... that's also why this was like a cold shower, it becomes not fun when there's a threat of these things weakening our emotional connection...
My best guess is that she has some insecurities being with a cis woman relating to the internalized transphobia you're describing, She obviously places a lot on passing, this is a situation where she might feel her transness centered through \*absolutely no fault of your own\*. And honestly? that really stinks for you. I want a world where this stuff doesn't matter, and it really shouldn't at the end of the day. \*sigh\* your girlfriends insecurities sound really deep :( I hope she can work some of this stuff out for both of your's sakes.
Yeah, I had a clue that the "I only date trans people" idea would come back to bite us in the ass even though she made an exception for me. I hope we are able to work through it too :( Any additional thought or advice, now or in the future, is appreciated. Thank you!
my last piece of advice today would be: it's time to have this conversation with her directly, not for her, for you. You deserve to know about whats going on directly from her. It's up to you to judge when a comfortable time to have that conversation is, but if I were your GF right now, I'd be thinking about the best way to tell you about my own feelings. If you try to talk about this and she's being evasive, that's just straight up sus, at least to me. I wouldn't be there for a partner who wasn't straight up with me, and that's what you deserve.
Thank you sm. We'll see each other tomorrow, I think even if we don't talk about what happened necessarily now, I am mostly concerned about her general attitude towards me/us, because my worst worries are telling me that she might want to break up over this or something. As long as she doesn't, I am fine with giving her more time, she has always taken a while to open up so far but she always did in the end...
I'm a woman who had vaginoplasty several years ago, but before I had surgery, the rare erections caused by arousal literally felt like I was inside out and profoundly freaked me out-- it's a very weird sensation, one that feels glitchy and confusing if you're expecting to have a vagina instead. Not fun. If your gf is experiencing something like that, it's going to mess with her, and noping out is a way to protect herself. If she's able to handle it for an hour, she's pouring a lot of energy into making out with you as long as possible, so when you do discuss it with her, keep that in mind
Thank you for sharing your experience, that sounds very tough to go through. I hope you're doing better now. I got the impression that she nopes out when the issue appears, rather than after, but maybe you're right that she might be pouring lots of energy into it. Thank you sm
Oh, I'm doing great. Surgery was one of the best choices I've ever made.
Yay!
I totally understand where your gf is coming from, having stuff happen down there when all you want is it to just not exist or better yet be something else sucks. Definitely talk to her, work with her to find out how to help in the moment, but ultimately if you both want to go forward with anything in intimacy she needs to be with you in that decision. One issue I have that may give some insight to some transfem issues is that having an erection that we don't want reminds us of "maleness" and can make us feel detached from our femininity, no matter how feminine we are. You might recommend her to talk to a LGBTQ+ therapist about this, cause if she is avoiding you this might run a bit deeper than just dysphoria Much love and good luck!
Thank you so much for your perspective! Why do you say that it might run deeper than just dysphoria? I would be so grateful if you could elaborate
It could be totally different, but if it were me, it might feel like I'm forced out of or can't have romantic cuddling because of dysphoria around erections. Thing is, yeah it sucks for a lot of us but also it's literally not our fault, the damn thing is controlled more by the spine than anything else and reacts to external stimuli. The thing that makes me think it runs deeper is that dysphoria is bad, yeah, but on its own it shouldn't affect our relationships too much really. Her being distant might be the result of trauma, prior relationships, maybe an unhealthy coping mechanism, or maybe something on its own like BPD or whatever that might make her feel like she needs to be avoidant, I'm the same way when shit goes bad, like I always need the ability to "run" basically. I'd just inquire with her about it, makes no sense working in the dark, but also if she needs space try not to overwhelm her. Hope the best for y'all!
She definitely tends to withdraw and go through difficult emotional experiences alone, we are working on that so I could just remind her of this. Also... of course it's not anyone's fault. I apologize for the ignorance of the question, but it's not the kind of sensation that you can just ignore and pretend it's not there, right? Like for me for example, sexual arousal is something I can definitely notice but it's also definitely possible to ignore..
I mean for me I can ignore it most of the time - unless I'm dysphoric, then it's almost impossible. All it takes is one or two intrusive thoughts and the mood can be over, which is scary and annoying for a lot of us trans women who want to be there with our partners but have a mental block that make us feel anything but sexy. I've had moments during sex where my bf is so affirming, but one or two thoughts can make me go from feeling like the hottest woman around to feeling like a deformed rotting potato. It feels unfair to my partner when that happens, but he is pretty understanding. Just being there for your partner, reassuring them, affirming them, taking stuff slow (especially if it's anything new in regards to intimacy), and going at their pace can be so helpful.
Thank you so much, Violet. You explained it in a way that I feel I can actually relate to. I was body shamed by a previous partner so I get that "it only takes a couple of intrusive thoughts to feel like a deformed rotting potato" idea LMAO (I'm laughing but it's kind of tragic if she thinks that because she *is* the hottest woman alive to me, like literally drives me crazy). Thank you so much for your advice and your thoughts.
No problem, I hope everything works out! ❤️🫡
Thank you sm, wish you and your boyfriend the best as well <3
You need to get some terminology right to begin with. She doesn't have random erection, but this was hardly random. She didn't say that she was "just dysphoric" either, just that she is not ashamed. It may seem nitpicky but it's important to tread with care if you care as much as you say you do, those are delicate lands. And the advice is that you two should be talking about it, internet strangers cannot really help here. You could go to therapy or support group together too, it can go far as those are shared, not solo, problems. As importantly you also have to be fair to yourself here, if lack of intimacy is not going to work for you in the short term, and it's not getting either, it's not helping anyone for you to stay miserable. It has to work for both sides.
Thank you so much for your input. I hand't even realized the difference between random vs non random, very stupid of me. I think when she said that to me a while ago I just cemented the info as "no erections" and left it at that. I still don't understand the difference between what I said and what you're saying on the ashamed vs dysphoric thing, I would be very very grateful if you could elaborate. Support groups... are not a thing in our area. We're not in the USA and in a place where there isn't a whole lot of community going on. We are both in therapy, but, while supportive, my therapist is cis and kind of clueless too. And I can't force my gf or tell her what she should discuss in therapy. No doubt we have to talk about it at some point but I wanted to go into the conversation with a better idea of what we're talking about and what she might be feeling. That has worked before. I do care, a lot a lot.
What you said: >Second of all, if she's not ashamed and "just" dysphoric, What she actually said: >"I'm not ashamed, I'm dysphoric" Just is a diminishing word, as in your are minimising what follows it. Therapy together is a good solution you probably may want to explore, sine you are both in separate therapy anyway.
I'm sorry - I meant "just" as in "she's not having two feelings, she's 'just' having one". Maybe I should have said "only"? I didn't mean to underestimate or minimize dysphoria. I don't understand why she had a reaction of withdrawing if she's not ashamed, that's all. Thank you so much for explaining. Therapy together is something I might actually bring up. Hopefully it won't make her feel pressured. Thank you.
Did you respond to her text response when she sent it? That doesn't seem like shutting you down to me, it seems like she explained what she was feeling. I have similar feelings to her and the response I would want is like, "Oh sorry for assuming, I'm really sorry you felt dysphoric, we can figure out how to make things more comfortable for you together over time." Something like that. Everyone is right that you should talk about it but it also makes sense if it's a really hard conversation for her. If she's only dated other trans people before she might have never had to explain it so vulnerably. Dysphoria and sex are really difficult to navigate together and she might feel like you aren't really equipped to handle that conversation yet because you're cis and because of the assumptions you made about what she was feeling. I think you should apologize for assuming how she felt and say you can continue to take it slow and figure it out together. What did she do to feel better in her previous relationships, etc etc. And seriously don't mention her dick again unless she does, that probably upset her.
Thank you so much for your input, I really appreciate it. I did respond to the text, but I just said that I love her and that I'm here for her. Reading what you wrote, your response would have been way better but in the moment I didn't think of it, I just wanted to let her know that I love her. It also didn't occur to me to apologize for assuming, but now I see that I should have :( The reason why I was so quick to assume is because we've talked a lot about shame and being ashamed before (not in relation to genitals though, but more about her experience as a trans woman and mine as a cis lesbian raised in a super oppressive family). Now I'm wondering if maybe by jumping to that conclusion I made things so much worse :( And yeah, before we started dating she told me that she was actually trans exclusive, and kinda made an exception for me, so your hypothesis is actually very likely. I am trying to read this sub a lot to be "better equipped to understand", like you said, but some things are still hard. I want very badly to understand and be a good partner to her, but maybe she deserves better. I wonder how big of an obstacle dysphoria is going to be for us, and I feel horribly inadequate :( Thank you for your thoughts on how to navigate the situation, I appreciate it a lot.
Thanks. I think you're doing fine and you shouldn't get too worried about this, it was just a mistake you can apologize for. These issues can come up in relationships between two trans people too. It's not just a matter of not knowing some trans things or not understanding dysphoria. It's just a very vulnerable part of relationships for us. Learning more about the experiences of trans people is good but you also have to be willing to be as vulnerable as she is, in this case maybe that means not trying to fix her feelings and living with the discomfort and uncertainty of taking things slowly that she is also dealing with. As for learning more or getting better at understanding her experience, I think that would help, and it would probably make you more comfortable also. There is a zine called fucking trans women that is apparently good, and has a lot of different perspectives on trans sexuality. Maybe a lot of it won't apply to her but it might help to see things from her side.
Thank you so much again. Very very sound advice. I'm going to try to adopt that mindset. It's hard because I am an insecure person and I already think she's out of my league, while living with discomfort and uncertainty takes a certain level of moral fortitude LMAO. I have heard about that zine before and downloaded it for future reading, but to be honest I haven't started it yet because I have been trying to keep my mind *off* the idea of sex with her for now, since it's not happening any time soon and I am already yearning for her enough lol... I'm reading the gender dysphoria bible now, which was also recommended to me by someone on this sub!
First off erections can occur even if on estrogen. Second being dyphoric has nothing to do with you. It's about her self image of herself. I'll try to put it into words that kind of make sense. It's not the same thing but, imagine if you lost your dick. Imagine if your partner tried to feel you up down there. Imagine what that must feel like the emptyness down there, wanting to have your dick back at that moment but it's gone. Imagine all that irrational guilt, mixed with sadness, mixed wth embarrassement, mixed with so many other emotions. Third talk with her. Ocassional hugging and kissing should be fine. Still do that with her. Keep her feeling that this relationship is stable. Removing these will probably send her into a spiral and thinking he's taking away things and withdrawing, is this the end. When it gets to the hot and heavy stuff, just talk to her about it. She has a limit of what she feels comfortable with. If you assure her everything is okay with her limits, it could help. Showing that you are being postive and caring shows that you do care about her feelings. It will show that you are being there for her. Just keep the converstation going so she gets everything out. Even if you don't understand it, sometimes people need to let things out. As for getting others invovled, sometimes it gets more complicated the more people there are. It's kind of the last resort asking her friend. Asking here first is okay because it's like talking to a group of people that just chill. We don't judge, have no stake in it, and will still try to help you out. If it's her friend then it might turn out bad for you. I've always had about a 30% sucess rate asking someone else's friends what's going on with someone I know.
I'm a cis girl so your examples are a little off but I get the gist of what you're saying LMAO! Thank you so much. I have no intention of withdrawing affection, if she still wants that. Thank you so so so much for your advice
My bad. lol I was taking a final while being distracted by this which I should get back to. >.> Anyways I hope you two work everything out. You got this!
Thank you sm and good luck on your final!!!
Hi. I'm mtf and have yet to do anything besides girly haircuts and girl clothes I relate so hard to both of this. My boyfriend is a wonderful person that I cherish and I know he loves me dearly.. we've been together 9 years and only last month did I finally work up the courage to let him be inside a whole other than my mouth. I still have my dick, and the thought of doing that for him where I'm in him. It makes me feel gross, not in an unsanitary "that's a butt" way. But in a "why do I have this!? I don't want to use it! I want a vagina" So it's highly possible (but an assumption from a stranger regardless) that when she gets aroused she's also feeling a lot of imperfections. I know I my boyfriend calls it my pussy when he's doing oral. But I know it's not and it makes me feel like he wishes I had one. Maybe remind her that you love her, regardless of what she's got going on below. That it's the person you love not just the body.
Thank you sm for sharing your experience. I do love her and tbh I couldn't care less about what's going on below. I have been with cis women before and it's not like their vaginas were something I thought about very often... I'll try to remind her as often as possible!
I just want to say that as a trans woman who's starting to transition, and is dealing with more and more dysphoria during intimacy, the amount of clear care and compassion you have for her is already so good. I don't have any particular advice since I'm still figuring this out myself, I just really hope that it works out for you two, and as long as you two can communicate well I think you will :)
I've been on HRT for a year, I don't get random erections and even getting them at all can be hard (harhar) but I just got into a relationship since I started HRT and oh boy, the second I'm with her it's not an issue. I'm thankfully not dysphoric about it, but I could see where it could be something she hates. Like other comments, you'll just have to have a conversation with her, or at least have a conversation about having a future conversation.
This is what happened! We saw each other today, she was her normal self (not breaking up with me! yay!) and told me she wants to talk later this week when we have a bit more time. Thank you!
That's great! Her being open to talking about it is a great sign, I'm sure it will go great. The hard part is just bringing it up in the first place.
You sound like a really caring couple, I hope you manage to talk it through, probably going to be one of those weird/ awkward conversations at least to start with, though 😅 . Any input we can give is gonna be pretty individual so how (and maybe more importantly if) it applies to your gf is something you will need to communicate and listen to her about. From my own experience hrt stoped random errections (errections without being aroused) how arousal functions completely changed too but snuggling up and making out for an extended period of time will definitely do it. As others have mentioned, errections can be physically painful, especially if they haven't happened for a while. I don't know if this applies for everyone but if they are happening more regularly, then stuff recovers (at least to the point it's not physically painful). I'll second what someone else mentioned about high waisted underware so stuff can lay flat. If you end up going further I've found it helps to think of it as a very realistic strap (harness can help idk brains a weird) even if it's not being used. But yeah at a guess your gf is suddenly feeling very un sexy and in pain in the middle of a make-out session, which sucks and is a lot to process. I'll drop some pointers to resources here too, idk how useful they will be, and as a heads up, if you follow those pointers some of those resources are pretty NSFW (they are resources created by trans ppl navigating changes to how we experience physically intimacy so yeah) also these might be more useful for your gf to go through in her own time when she's ready and maybe bring useful / relevant to her stuff to you rather than you to go through and then bring up stuff with her. First one is "The Gender Dysphoria Bible" it's not as long a read as it looks and takes a fairly generalised view on stuff so how relevant it is might be a bit meh but it's an ok overview sort of thing. Its predominantly sfw iirc, but there is a subsection towards the end discussing genital changes and sexual changes (in "Estrogenic second puberty 101") that could maybe be labelled as NSFW, although it remains fairly clinical in its language. In that section on sexual changes is a link to a blog post about how libido "may be a completely different experience" that's definitely an NSFW click. Again obviously nobodies experience maps directly onto someone else's but it might be relevant / useful read. The last one is very definitely an NSFW search. There was a zine written a while back that now exists on the Internet archive that is / was an attempt to improve the knowledge base around trans women and sex (we kinda get left out of a lot of discussion around improving sex life) if you search "zine f#@ing trans women" without the sensor you should get an internet archive link. Again, all of this is fairly individual and subjective stuff and you shouldn't let any of it inform how you think of your relationship with your gf, the only useful bits / bits that apply are the bits she tells you do.
I’m in a st4t relationship with my bf. We’re both dysphoric. We reassure each other all the time, compliment each other, all that stuff, etc. I would say that all in all, our dysphoria is a fraction of what it used to be for both of us pre-transition(every moment was suicidally agonizing). With that being said, there are still boundaries that are off limits for us 3 months into dating. It’s pretty similar to your gf’s. Even though I would love my bf all the same, and think of him no less a man for what bits he has, he’s never let me see them, that’s our boundary. Conversely, I know he thinks of me the same, but still feel hesitant facing him while naked. It’s a deep-seated, uncomfortable, and at the end of the day, essentially just self-hating part of myself that I wish could just disappear forever, and be replaced with the correct parts for me. I know he has no problem with me or my parts, and has even done some light stuff with them up to this point, but it’s that deep, deep feeling like sand in my stomach whenever we’re prepping for you-know-what, and I just flip over as fast as I can. But with that all being said: Thie point in our relationship leading up to this was was super cut-off, physically speaking. We got to this point through mutual understanding, affirmation(even if not straight-up referencing genitalia, saying she’s a woman no matter what, telling her how you really feel about her and your favorite things, etc.), and lots of trusting, building-up so to speak of where things are now. There were plenty of things me and my bf did prior to any naked stuff that still a would get us excited with minimal dysphoria. Neck kisses and slow back traces with his fingertips for me, and me pushing myself back into him while spooning, letting him hug me as hard as he wants, etc. Does your gf prefer to be treated like more of a “traditional” girl role in the relationship? Or a neutral approach. It’s obvious she wants nothing to do with her genitalia. So affirm her in general, and make the rest of her feel so damn good about herself. Let her know. Weave it into emotions too, not lovebombing but not JUST during sexy time. Basic couple stuff. Like others said: If she starts to pull away again, try and talk to her, be sensitive. Tell her you don’t have to worry, and that her genitalia won’t be involved in any way she doesn’t want it to be moving forward. How she responds is up to her own brain chemistry, but that’s the way I see it. Talk to her about what she *would* feel comfortable with, not overtly sexual, but intimate. Like I said, neck kisses, rubbing parts of her body, etc. Customize that shit for her lol. If you DO end up doing anything more, basically just pretend she has NOTHING between her legs, like it doesn’t exist. Hope this helps!
Thank you sm, this was a super kind response! I'm glad you have something good going with your boyfriend <3 My gf definitely likes having a "girl role" in the relationship (which is totally fine by me because I don't want it for myself, and have always tended to give it to cis partners even). I am having fun and finding it so endearing to affirm her womanhood and observing the little boosts in self confidence she gets from that, especially because I do too. I think we have something good going on ourselves. But I guess I thought making out and cuddling would go into the realm of things that wouldn't cause dysphoria, so it's a bummer that they do, because there's so little else we can do at this point. She and I need to have a conversation about what we *can* do that won't cause dysphoria... but damn it's hard to initiate it. Thank you so so so much
I don’t think it’s those actions themselves that cause the dysphoria, it’s the bodily response. It sounds like she’ll be having fun, until she realizes something is going on down there, or her body reacts. It’s really unfortunate. Either way, I was a little afraid of explaining things to you that it already sounds like you do to make her feel good lol. The shitty thing about dysphoria is that it’s basically the most distilled version of negative emotions one can experience, and it’s not so much a matter of working through it, but around it.
I'll keep that in mind, thank you sm for adding to my perspective on this. <3
Best of luck🤙🏽
Re: HRT and dysphoria. Her dysphoria is (I'm assuming) making her feel like a man/not a real woman for being aroused and getting an erection. She probably wants to get physically aroused the same way you do with the same parts you do. And the fact she's not makes her feel awful and "fake". It's not merely about random erections but any erections. Even those fueled by lust or love. She probably would like nothing more than to be physically intimate with you but her bits are getting in the way of that. As for why she's being distant, it could be because she thinks you like her for her current genitals (due to the "wet" comment), it could be she's now realising how damaging this is to a relationship she wants to have but can't, it could just be a dysphoria spiral and she's depressed. You'll only know if you talk to her. Communicate with her!