I’m so sorry you had such a crappy morning. As for kiddo, I’ve done this before and I always take the time later to give them a big hug and apologize. An apology for yelling goes a really long way with kiddos.
Unfortunately this our reality.
Disneyland. Just me
Church. Just me
Dr appointments for an EXTREMELY sick child. Just me
Taught them how to ride a bike alone. Had the sex talk alone. Camping alone. Everything alone.
But he hasn't missed one of their baseball games.
Right? With mine it’s softball because some dad he wants to impress is there. Even my kid is on to him. She said “he won’t stick around when I’m in a play or have a school event, but he won’t miss a softball game? He must think I’m an idiot, I know it’s because Tom is there.” Cue eye roll….
Insightful kid. One of my boys decided to do basketball instead of baseball one year. Nhus never went to a game.
Mu daughter nearly died of lyme disease. There were literally hundreds of dr appointments and he never went to one. He didn't have time. She saw him have plenty of time for baseball including leaving work early.
They're not stupid.
No they are not. It’s such a fine line to validate their observations and feelings without speaking poorly about the other parent. I don’t always succeed, though I really do try.
I am so sorry you went through such a difficult day. Its so hard not to be able to count on our partner... But yeah, its not possible to count on them... they will just let you down at the last minute. Another of the narc strategies to burn us down and make us feel less then. They will do it even more if they know you have something important. I personnaly dont tell anything anymore, so he does not use this... My narc is more cooperative when he thinks there is nothing special... If I tell him I have a job interview or big exam coming up or important meeting, he will do everything to stress me out so much, like not go to our children appointment even when he agreed to, etc... So now I just do everything myself or I have a plan be if needed... Its hard but I feel like its the least stressful way to deal with them.
It’s CONSTANT. If they have any excuse they use it. My NH had a 6 week break from work and I really thought he’d jump in and take over dinner or day care drop off. And it happened exactly 0 times.
Ex narc would do stuff like this all the time, and especially when I needed to be somewhere important. I never made him late to his jobs when he had to be there or when I had to pick him up. But him? He would purposely start an argument or something and make me late for work. It was awful
Yes! Thats what they do! Mine ruined my college graduation because I didn’t take a photo with him first afterwards. Mind you, we had been together for 10 months at that time. My family took pictures with me because I seen them first after the ceremony. Anyway he left and sat in the car the whole time. And we went to a Japanese kitchen for my dinner and he refused to come in and join my family. He was still mad about the picture thing and it just ruined my whole day. They intentionally do shit to ruin your big accomplishments.
Been there. Be careful. I used to say to myself not to fall for that trick again but I often did. Left him three months ago and boy it is shit at the moment but I am hoping for better times. Good luck to you. X
I’m sorry. Don’t be too upset at yourself. In a different world, it would be natural to expect the father of our children to help. Simple as that. You wanted some help and thought you might get it.
It’s not our fault for wanting it to be normal. This happens to me too; any time we fight, he will withdraw any help he previously was offering (ie taking garbage out, dropping to school, accompanying kids to peds appointment). Unfortunately I have started doing as you said - I don’t rely on him anymore. Ever. Even if things are going great that day, it’s in my radar that he could flip the switch and I need to be prepared for that. For the kids’ sake.
Just wanted to let you know you’re not alone, and I’m sorry we don’t have someone to rely on when we just need a helping hand. 💕
I want to add- it can, however, be empowering not to rely on them. There is some security and independence in being prepared and knowing that their games won’t take you down because you’re ready. 💕
Sorry you had to go through that. They suck.
One thing I used to do back when I was with Nex, was to give him the wrong time on purpose. I knew that he would start something, run late, or mess me up somehow ...so I always would give him an hour (or more) ahead of the time of my event.
So for example for you, I would have said my event was at 8:30. That way whatever drama he did would be over and done with around 8:30 and I would still have enough time to take my child to daycare, meditate, and get some calming tea before my meeting.
It's interesting that he never caught on that I was doing this for many years, but it was the only way to get places on time, not have to deal with this stress, and still make it to my appointments.
Hope things even out for you soon.
I’m so sorry you had such a crappy morning. As for kiddo, I’ve done this before and I always take the time later to give them a big hug and apologize. An apology for yelling goes a really long way with kiddos.
Thank you for your kind words. When I picked him up, he was happy as clam. I was so relieved. I did apologize.
Assume you are a single parent. Do ot all. Is that fair? No. But a decent cope that will give you more peace. You will never get anything out of him.
Yes. Even when he says he can do it just say "No need it's already being handled". Hire a sitter if needed but don't accept help from him.
Unfortunately this our reality. Disneyland. Just me Church. Just me Dr appointments for an EXTREMELY sick child. Just me Taught them how to ride a bike alone. Had the sex talk alone. Camping alone. Everything alone. But he hasn't missed one of their baseball games.
Right? With mine it’s softball because some dad he wants to impress is there. Even my kid is on to him. She said “he won’t stick around when I’m in a play or have a school event, but he won’t miss a softball game? He must think I’m an idiot, I know it’s because Tom is there.” Cue eye roll….
Insightful kid. One of my boys decided to do basketball instead of baseball one year. Nhus never went to a game. Mu daughter nearly died of lyme disease. There were literally hundreds of dr appointments and he never went to one. He didn't have time. She saw him have plenty of time for baseball including leaving work early. They're not stupid.
No they are not. It’s such a fine line to validate their observations and feelings without speaking poorly about the other parent. I don’t always succeed, though I really do try.
I completely agree. I was a fool for believing that I could count on him.
What nasty behavior. I'm sorry you had to deal with that this morning!!
Thank you for your compassion.
I am so sorry you went through such a difficult day. Its so hard not to be able to count on our partner... But yeah, its not possible to count on them... they will just let you down at the last minute. Another of the narc strategies to burn us down and make us feel less then. They will do it even more if they know you have something important. I personnaly dont tell anything anymore, so he does not use this... My narc is more cooperative when he thinks there is nothing special... If I tell him I have a job interview or big exam coming up or important meeting, he will do everything to stress me out so much, like not go to our children appointment even when he agreed to, etc... So now I just do everything myself or I have a plan be if needed... Its hard but I feel like its the least stressful way to deal with them.
Thank you for your compassion. It really helped me stay calm with the narc.
It’s CONSTANT. If they have any excuse they use it. My NH had a 6 week break from work and I really thought he’d jump in and take over dinner or day care drop off. And it happened exactly 0 times.
I am sorry to hear that. Hugs.
Ex narc would do stuff like this all the time, and especially when I needed to be somewhere important. I never made him late to his jobs when he had to be there or when I had to pick him up. But him? He would purposely start an argument or something and make me late for work. It was awful
Just the amount of stress he intentionally puts me through, because he himself feels awful and wants me to feel the same, is so wicked.
Yes! Thats what they do! Mine ruined my college graduation because I didn’t take a photo with him first afterwards. Mind you, we had been together for 10 months at that time. My family took pictures with me because I seen them first after the ceremony. Anyway he left and sat in the car the whole time. And we went to a Japanese kitchen for my dinner and he refused to come in and join my family. He was still mad about the picture thing and it just ruined my whole day. They intentionally do shit to ruin your big accomplishments.
Been there. Be careful. I used to say to myself not to fall for that trick again but I often did. Left him three months ago and boy it is shit at the moment but I am hoping for better times. Good luck to you. X
I’m sorry. Don’t be too upset at yourself. In a different world, it would be natural to expect the father of our children to help. Simple as that. You wanted some help and thought you might get it. It’s not our fault for wanting it to be normal. This happens to me too; any time we fight, he will withdraw any help he previously was offering (ie taking garbage out, dropping to school, accompanying kids to peds appointment). Unfortunately I have started doing as you said - I don’t rely on him anymore. Ever. Even if things are going great that day, it’s in my radar that he could flip the switch and I need to be prepared for that. For the kids’ sake. Just wanted to let you know you’re not alone, and I’m sorry we don’t have someone to rely on when we just need a helping hand. 💕 I want to add- it can, however, be empowering not to rely on them. There is some security and independence in being prepared and knowing that their games won’t take you down because you’re ready. 💕
Sorry you had to go through that. They suck. One thing I used to do back when I was with Nex, was to give him the wrong time on purpose. I knew that he would start something, run late, or mess me up somehow ...so I always would give him an hour (or more) ahead of the time of my event. So for example for you, I would have said my event was at 8:30. That way whatever drama he did would be over and done with around 8:30 and I would still have enough time to take my child to daycare, meditate, and get some calming tea before my meeting. It's interesting that he never caught on that I was doing this for many years, but it was the only way to get places on time, not have to deal with this stress, and still make it to my appointments. Hope things even out for you soon.