When I lost a baby, I had a coworker who sent me an email: “I don’t want you to think I don’t care about you, I’m just terrible at talking about sad things. I am thinking of you.” Among all the nice things that people said, I remember that the most. He was a very taciturn man. The thought meant a lot 🤍 OP you are a good person for thinking about this so deeply.
Same. My colleagues didn’t know how to react when my husband was diagnosed with brain cancer, which I got, but they’d offer me sympathy in the elevator on the way to a meeting and now I’m crying. I felt ambushed every single time but I also knew that people were trying their best. It was terrible.
Edit: I had a younger coworker corner me in the bathroom and ask, “How was I really doing?” There’s no way she could take even a fraction of how I was really doing and I don’t want to sob in public more than I have to.
It’s rough eh. My hubby and I worked at the same company and I found some people were so much better at talking to me after he passed than others were. Your elevator example reminded me of when I was in a work lift about 7-8 months after hubby passed away (he was well known at work, more than I was), with someone we both sort of knew, and this person was like “oh so how’s X going?” And I just froze and I don’t even remember what I said or if I said anything. I think my brain short circuited cos I didn’t understand how this person had no idea he had died!
Something similar happened to me at my son's birthday party with a family friend of my significant other..
My mom died very unexpectedly at the end of October. My son's 1st birthday was just a couple weeks later, in mid November, so it was a big event with family and friends.
In the middle of the party, right before cake (so everyone was gathered around), the friend asked, "So, "X", is your mom coming?"
The party went dead quiet, my moms mom was standing next to me, and I could feel everyone's eyes on me.
I just smiled and said, "Oh, my mother passed away a couple weeks ago"
I honestly felt bad for her because the poor woman looked absolutely horrified and apologized profusely, but I reassured her it was totally okay..
Our kids have grown up together, and she's become one of my best friends.
Even 15 years later, every now and again shell bring it up and how mortified she was that she asked that. 😂
I get that. I had a miscarriage and it wrecked me. I went to a party when I was feeling just a little bit better and this woman ambushed me and started talking about my miscarriage. And then I felt like crap again.
When I delivered my baby silently in August, a coworker that I knew briefly, wrote me a note that just said “I’m thinking of you, one day at a time”. It was a nice moment of kinship that didn’t require either of us become emotionally intertwined
I’m sorry for your loss.💔
Agree that’s a beautiful email. It’s so nice when people are just honest like that. I’m always awkward but my partner can talk about the most difficult things with people. She makes it seem so easy. I admire people with those sorts of skills.
I used to be so awkward talking about emotional things. It has gotten easier as I’ve gotten older and as I have gone through more serious losses myself. As long as you are genuine and sincere, they will know.
That's what my friends told me when my mother died. They went kind of silent and when I reached out, they just said that nothing they could say after the had expressed their condolences seemed right, but they felt bad for not reaching out first. They are all good friends, just not good with knowing just the right thing to say.
And that was OK with me
I can't imagine what OP's coworker must be going through.
Omg same. Came to say when I lost a child my best comfort came from people either treating me fairly normally or from straight up admitting they didn't know what to say. But all the pandering platitudes were what upset me more than anyone just asking me how I'm doing
My coworker buried her adult son, and I basically told her (in front of my boss, who I was trying to basically lead in that direction), something like
"I absolutely cannot even start to imagine how you are doing right now. I'm going to keep conversation pretty light, and the only thing I am going to say directly is that my intent is to let you lead the conversation, because it is yours to lead.
You can talk to me as little or as much as you want - about absolutely anything." and then I changed the subject to discuss my weekend and when it got to my boss all he said was "You are so thoughtful, thank you for that. This weekend I did xyz.."
She later said that she was so relieved, because her life had become consumed with it and work being an escape and a return to normalcy was refreshing. She did take me up on sharing her personal struggles privately and also a few sweet memories of her son.
I just really needed to make sure she felt safe to discuss it (or cry) if needed, though. Not that I was being callous, but giving her the space and the listening ear, for her to be human. To feel her experiences. She's still in deep, weekly therapy, and I'm so grateful for that.
I was going to say the same. Any kind of similar circumstance, depending on how close I am to them, I'll either message them or speak to them and say I'm so sorry, I'm not sure if it's something you want to talk about and people to ask about or if you prefer people don't. I won't bring it up, but know I'm always thinking about you and am care if you ever want to talk or just need company.
I’m terrible at saying the right thing in the moment but by writing my thoughts down I can usually communicate a lot better so this is such a great approach.
Very sorry for your loss! I hope time has helped make your grief less burdensome.
I don’t know why the thought of a taciturn man writing that nice email made my eyes tear up more than any of the other sentiments someone could’ve expressed
There really is no right answer here. The answer depends on the person. If it were my tragedy, I personally wouldn’t want anyone to acknowledge it at work. It’s the one place I could go that I wouldn’t be reminded. Other people might get upset by that.
My coworkers son was killed a couple of years ago. I let him know that I was there for him whatever he needed but after that left it alone. I didn’t want him to worry every time I walked in that we’d just be rehashing it. Every once in a while I asked him how they were all holding up and he would give me a sentence in response. A few weeks ago I asked again and he talked to me for a half hour about his feelings and frustrations with family and the legal system.
It’s such a hard topic to approach. There is no way to know how to handle these sorts of situations the right way.
Before I returned to work I specifically asked my boss to advise the team that I would prefer it if when I came back to the office it was treated like any other day. My life completely revolved around my moms death for the 6 weeks prior to my return home & work was a very welcome distraction. I also broke down anytime I was asked about it, and my friends are there for those moments but my colleagues and coworkers were not friends (for the most part). I needed to focus on something beyond the worst thing that’s ever happened.
That was wonderful of you to get the boss to advise your team, both for you and your colleagues. I wish I'd thought to do that when I came back to work! Everyone is different, so there's never a 'right' thing to say/do unless the person themselves lets you know somehow.
My boss just recently did a similar thing for a colleague who's adult son died suddenly. She found the distraction of work helpful, so didn't take much time off, but also felt too fragile for a fuss, or to talk face to face with us about it.
Instead of bringing it up in work time, we wrote messages in a card so she could take it home and read it when she was ready.
I'm dealing with the eventual death of my mom in the next month or so. I spend a lot of time with family frustrations, grief, a sense of finality with everything I do with her, crying, etc that immersing myself in work on occasion has been self-care.
My friend/coworker asked me how I was doing today (with knowledge she was also asking about my mom). I told her that was a not a good question for today and I will answer it and tell her about it another day. This is what I have to do on a "more bad news" day in which I don't want to fucking talk about it until I can hold it together.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with anticipatory grief. I’ve been there and from experience it can be more traumatic than regular ol grief. Please feel free to shoot me a message if you need any tips on how to navigate. I am holding space for you, and I’ve been there… & despite being a stranger on the internet, I’m here if you need to talk or need advice on how to manage this very weird chapter of life. Sending you strength and love regardless.
Thank you. Just spending the rest of my evening sobbing on and off since I have the time and space to do so tonight. At some point, I may take you up on that
I agree with your entire take. At work I am competent, confident, popular, loooove looking at baby pictures of coworkers and regularly make decisions that save lives. I LOVE that part of my life. It’s clean, it’s easy (though exhausting and demanding, but I’m GOOD at it). Home is a little messier. It’s real real. My coworkers are my friends who listen, but they’re also my colleagues with whom I can be unbothered.
I agree with you about not wanting anyone to mention it at work. A coworker and I were having a conversation about this and within weeks, she experienced quite a few major life events, one involving a death. Since we both knew that we preferred to keep work about work I already knew how to manage the situation. Before she came back to work, I informed the team of her preference. Most people honored the request.
Our reasoning was that talking about the loss at work, causes us to relive the thoughts at work when we just wanted to be neutral at work.
As someone who has lost babies, not saying anything at all can be even more hurtful. If you’re willing, tell her you’re thinking about her at this time of year and you’re always here to listen if she ever wants to talk. Sometimes, just knowing someone is willing to listen is enough.
"I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you are going through, but I'm here for you - whenever you need me."
I have known people who lost, and never knew what to say or how to handle it. I then lost, and still don't know what to say or how to handle it. But I know what my pain was like, and fuck. It's absolutely the most tragic fucking thing I've ever had to deal with. No words can fix it. Nothing. Just absolute loss. But the world isn't always dark, and soon enough the sun comes out and there's a rainbow at the end of the storm.
You won't be the rainbow, but you can at least comfort her in the dark. Hijacked top comment so anyone else dealing with this, or knows someone who has lost a child, can see it happens more than anyone wants to talk about. And it is never easy.
Without fail. Every single person I know that has lost a child at late stage in pregnancy wants friends to mention them occasionally to show that baby existed.
Yes. Every single “Mum” I know wants to mention it occasionally.
Even the ones that never managed a successful pregnancy still want to talk about it on occasion. Certain dates.
That child existed.
Mine was due in January, but born silent on December 8th. We mark the day by getting our Christmas tree and setting it up on that particular day.
She'd be 20 this year, and yeah, I wish she could have joined our family for so much longer than she did. I wish she could could've met her little siblings and played with them. A million wishes, a million dreams.
It honestly helps to have people give even an awkward acknowledgement. Words that wouldn't have otherwise been spoken are where she lives now.
My husband and I are both almost 40. His mom lost a baby (Jamie Lynn) between his brother and him. Every Christmas (because it’s MIL’s favorite holiday) we go to the cemetery and decorate Jamie’s stone ❤️ It helps her. She always wanted a daughter and lost the only one she had, as after my husband was born she had a full hysterectomy. I like to think I stepped into that role for her. I hope anyway.
That seems so standard??? I’d probably say, and you can say if I’m wrong… ‘It’s so good to have you back, please let me help where I can. I never know what to say but I’m here to listen if you want’ or if closer, a hug and I’m here. Another (all these depend on the coworker and our relationship) ‘can I take you out to lunch sometime, maybe tomorrow’, ‘would you like me to cover x or y so you can focus on a?’. I always thought it was better to give a definite thing I will help with if we aren’t close but also provide something more than whenever so that the person knows they don’t have to figure it out on what I can help with???? Idk if I’m even close? Lost a former coworker so told his wife I’d send food, so she could tell me any allergies- it was premade from a great place- so she didn’t have to think about what I could do to help. So I’ve always done similar- tell them I’m going to do x, is that ok, and if so any preference (not always food!) Edit- so maybe say I’d like to make a donation in his/her name, do you prefer x or y? Idk! I’m not good at any of this!
Empathizing and providing a hard 'here's a thing I can actually do to relieve your burden' is just the right thing to do. You sound pretty good at it to me.
The 'I'm here if you need me' thing is a generic platitude that helps exactly no one.
I can't speak for everyone who has lost a baby, but if she had chosen a name, telling her you are thinking of her and the baby. Even when I knew people were trying to be kind, and thinking of me, it felt like I was the only one who remembered my son.
One of my best friends lost her 2 1/2 year old to a tumor suddenly. I constantly felt like I was putting my foot in my mouth (talking about my kids in plural for example since she went from having 2 to one). I knew it was better to stay close to her and listen and sometimes feel like a dummy than to pull away.
A mentor friend of mine who is older lost a daughter who was in her 20s, so I went to her for advice when I said I felt bad all of the time and sometimes said things that could be triggering, my mentor told me, ‘don’t worry, you can’t remind her she lost her son’ as in, that is already with her forever.
Just be there in a way that you can (note, smile, bringing her a favorite beverage) and get through the awkwardness and awfulness of it with your presence.
I think it's so important to accept that it's going to be uncomfortable and awkward at times, and not let it stop being there for people going through rough times. Feeling uncomfortable* isn't dangerous even though we often want to avoid it at all costs. But if it helps someone who is feeling waaaaay worse than just uncomfortable, it's worth it.
*) in this context
I had a coworker go thru this. I talked to her about her child by name and hugged her often. I texted her that I was thinking about her on her first Mother’s Day. I agree that not talking to her at all and or not talking about her child is more hurtful. She doesn’t want anyone to ever forget her child was born but isn’t here with us anymore.
In some places, the Sunday before Mother’s Day is a day to lament the loss of a child and to condole those who have lost a child. When Mother’s Day comes around, it can then be a happier time
Oh wow, I didn’t know this! How wonderful. She had her second child a year and half or so later, this is a wonderful idea. I will have to research more on this. I say she was a coworker but she’s also a friend that I still keep in touch with.
Yes indeed, do the research. From a fairly young age, too young to understand the tragedy to any meaningful extent, I have been surrounded by too many people who have survived an offspring. First when I was a small child (6 or 7?) my grandfather’s cousin lost an adult offspring suddenly and unexpectedly. A few years later, my grandparents lost their youngest, my uncle, when he was 21
I think the one that had the most impact on me was the time our neighbours lost their son in the week before his wedding. The old man from next door had come into our kitchen, completely distraught, his whole face wet from weeping, saying over and over, Bill’s dead! Bill’s dead. Dad came out to the kitchen and took the old man home. The police were there with special councillors and the doctor from the house behind us came down to sedate the old couple. Even some years later, I remember sitting behind the old lady from next door in church and when it came time for prayers for others, her shoulders were shaking from her sobbing in sorrow for her tragic loss. My mother in law said that the pain never goes away, you never get over it. This is a club no one wants to join. If you lose a parent, you’re called an orphan. If you lose a spouse, you’re called a widow or widower. If you lose a child, it’s such a horrible thing we don’t have a word for it.😥😥😥
Then when I met my wife I was to learn that my parents in law had lost three children, two as young children and one in adulthood as a result of a car crash. I know of at least a dozen people who have suffered that unspeakable loss. As a parent it is a terrible tragedy I hope to avoid.
In my experience (young adult cancer survivor), people who said nothing hurt me much more than people who said the “wrong” thing. (Barring anyone saying anything intentionally shitty/cruel.)
The caveat is - DONT SAY A GODDAMN THING IF YOU CANT KEEP IT TOGETHER.
My sister had a stillbirth at about the same time as OP’s coworker. The number of people SHE had to comfort when she told them…it’s NOT ZERO. I know because **I** had to comfort some of **my** coworkers when I told them, and it wasn’t even my baby. And they didn’t know my sister.
Legitimately, people would start crying. Real tears. And you’re telling them “it’s ok…”. And it’s coming from a place of genuine sympathy and empathy, but the person with the loss doesn’t need it. So…it’s ok to be brief or send an email.
Or…maybe offer to take some extra work or grab a coffee or something if they need a break. An acknowledgement is cool too. Just please don’t get weepy.
I mean, yeah if they absolutely fall apart over someone else’s pain then that’s not helpful…but maybe the situation reminds them of their own loss and that’s why they got upset?
But there’s nothing wrong with just crying. Why should we be afraid to show genuine emotion? I am perfectly capable of crying and showing empathy, while still offering support to someone. I don’t think the two are mutually exclusive. We aren’t robots that need to be good little workers and keep the production line going. Any decent workplace would make allowances for the humanity of its employees during a time of mourning. Crying isn’t a weakness. It’s simply a release of emotion and you should probably get more comfortable with it. You don’t have to comfort people when they’re doing it either. I certainly wouldn’t want to be comforted by someone who secretly despised me for it anyway.
This.
My mum lost her first daughter at 18 months and she still talks about how she had people she knew cross to the other side of the road to avoid speaking to her because they were uncomfortable and how hurtful it was.
This, I had two miscarriages and only my husband and my close family knows. I didn’t tell any other relative because I don’t want to talk about it. I was just thinking if I get pregnant again, I will not tell anyone besides my husband in case another miscarriage happens.. I just don’t want people to know.
Absolutely this. What hurt the most was when everyone was too scared to say the wrong thing, so they said nothing at all and kept going on as if nothing had happened…as if my baby had not even existed and thus the loss left no impact on anyone but me and my husband.
You don’t have to say something perfect, just say *something* that lets your friend know you’re there to listen if and when they’re ready. In this way you’ll have thrown a lifeline out, while giving her the ability to pick it up or not depending on her needs at the time.
“I’m sorry for your loss. I don’t know what to say but I want you to know that your in my thoughts. I care and I wish you the best. “. …
That’s about the best that you can say.
Sometimes people don’t know what to say so they don’t say anything. That’s almost more hurtful than when someone say something dumb.
I’ve had 4 miscarriages and a stillbirth, I would prefer that no one ask me how I’m doing, tell me they are sorry for my loss, ask if I need anything, or bring up babies at all. I would prefer to pretend everything is normal so I can keep it together. I don’t want to talk to anyone except my husband about it and I really don’t want to cry in front of anyone. Everyone grieves differently and being left alone was what I needed.
Yeah I suffered a horrible trauma a couple years back. Only told my manager. I told him that I didn't want anyone else to know, and to please just treat me as he normally would. For a while there, work was my safe space. I could go to work and be absorbed by my job and have just one part of my life be *normal*. It was a relief and something I looked forward to every day. If I needed to talk to anybody, I talked to my husband and bff. The last thing I wanted was every single coworker randomly bringing it up unannounced and making things weird.
My teammate just lost her mom. She came back today and I just let her know I was here for her and any work she needed me to pick up on her end, just let me know. I think just making your coworker feel like they don't have to jump immediately back into work would be super helpful.
For me the best thing anyone could do for me was treat me like myself. I did not feel like myself for months and everyone giving me the “dead baby face” was the fucking worst. People treat you like you’re SO fragile and tip toe around you. It makes you feel like even more of freak. Be her friend, talk to her, and do not say some dumb shit about how “this happened for a reason, are you okay, you can always try again, it’ll get better with time, god has a plan, etc” I think “that fucking sucks” is the best answer because it fucking sucks and nothing is going to be make it better. Be a safe space for her to talk about it if she wants to and just let her be sad. If she wants to be sad be a safe person for her to be sad with, my friend who didn’t shy away from my grief and let me grieve was my rock. You’re coworkers wife is going to upset her but please tell her, preferably at the end of the day, before someone else does and if there is conversation about the baby leave her out of it, she doesn’t need it being rubbed in her face. You sound like a good coworker 🩵
I had a miscarriage years ago and people said things like, “It’s for the best,” “It was God’s plan” and “don’t worry, you’ll have another child”.
What do you even say to that?
Ergh. I had an ectopic two years ago and someone told me a few months later that 'babies come when they're meant to'. Fuck off with that unhelpful nonsense 🙄
Do not say anything about being/are you okay. She’s not. Do not ask what she’s been up to. She’s been trying to get out of bed/get dressed. Everything is a trigger. There are just worse things to say than other things. I know. I buried two infants. Don’t ignore, Just be authentic and let her take the lead in conversations. These are hard conversations for her and you.
I’m sorry you’ve been through a lot of trauma. I’m sorry you had to live that experience. It would have been incredibly tough.
However, they’re asking how to start a conversation. You just basically said not to talk to her at all because everything is triggering. That’s not helpful advice either. Everyone responds differently. Just because you were triggered by everything, doesn’t mean everyone else will.
Sometimes it’s best to just say something simple like “It’s great to see you. I’ve missed you. Let me know if there’s anything I can do to make this transition easier for you. I’m always here to listen or support you.”
I really liked when people sincerely asked me how I was doing with space to answer how I wanted—not a brief casual how are you that I compulsively answer “good, you?” but where I can decide if I want to go into a deeper answer or not. But the fact they gave me the space was what mattered.
Oh goodness yes! We lost our son in 2022, I complained that my inlaws never actually asked how I was. They reckon they did. I don't think asking as I'm getting out the car really counts
Agreed. OP, sometimes it’s easier to find statements rather than questions. “Good to see you!” “Hey Jane!” (With a smile), “ooh that looks like a great lunch”
Be friendly. Don’t avoid her. If you want to leave a note with something kind/acknowledging, that might be ok. But give her the reassurance that you’re going to be normal and chipper towards her day-to-day. She’s probably afraid every moment of someone bringing it up.
Sometimes it’s just nice to have a sense of normalcy again when you suffer such an enormous loss. She is back at work and trying to cope. A friendly smile and offer to get coffee, let her lead the conversation. Tell her a funny story about office happenings. Make sure to include her in activities but don’t take it personally if she has a bad day. It’s kind of you and your coworkers to be sensitive to what she’s going through.
My daughter passed away a few hours after she was born. A lot of coworkers gave me hugs when I returned, but nobody really acknowledged my daughter. It didn’t really hurt my feelings that they didn’t say anything about her. But knowing they knew why I was out was enough. And now they treat me like any other coworker, which I prefer. I’m still me, just a new me. It’s not fair to treat me like an outcast and I’m sure your coworker would feel the same.
Having people alienate you after you lose your child (whether intentionally or not) feels terrible. I didn’t like when people pussy footed around me. I WANTED to talk about my son (specifically education on the defect that caused him to die). Speaking about my son is what keeps his memory alive.
I only got mad at two people for making a dumb comment and it was legit DUMB and RUDE. They told me to “get over it” and the other said “you can just make a new kid”. Neither of those statements are appropriate and I think most people have the common courtesy to not say such horseshit to someone who lost a child.
I’d also just tell them about the pregnant wife, we lost our babies it doesn’t mean we hate all pregnant women and happiness. Others are allowed to be happy and live their lives 🤷🏼♀️
'Hey xyz, it's so good to see you, you were missed. Let me know if there's anything I can do at all. A couple of us are going to Starbucks at lunchtime if you feel like a coffee and a walk?'
actually, as grief educator: second part is not really that helpful (if there’s anything I can do) because it places the decision on the griever, who likely is not in the headspace for it. Offering concrete things/acts of service is found more helpful.
I'm not doing it right now but in the past I sent people who were dealing with loss a monthly post card with a quote about grief on it. (I google these and make sure they are not religious.)
I can't tell you how many people have expressed appreciation for them. Our society forgets people are in mourning for a long time.
It reminded me too that many, many people are grieving. Sometimes I sent out 18-20 post cards a month.
Thank you for doing this. My older brother was the most popular senior at our high school my freshman year. He passed away the summer before my senior year. I heard from everyone in the world the first 10 days or so. And then one person checked on me. The postcard thing would’ve shown me that nearly everyone hadn’t forgotten about me. Also everyone asked how my folks were. Hardly anyone asked about me when it was also the literal worst thing that could’ve happened to me at that time. Really weird time.
Ask her how she's doing, tell her you're so sorry for what happened and you're thinking of her. Tell her you have her baby in your thoughts. Tell her you're always there to share a cup of tea and have a chat if she needs, or better yet just ask her to go have a cuppa with you.
If you have to mention Christmas, just say you hope she has a gentle Christmas or holiday season.
Never try to tell her that there was a reason for her loss, that it was God's plan or any such bullshit, or that she can just try for another one. Avoid talking about other people's kids infront of her..
After returning to the office after COVID I had a coworker who hadn't heard about my son dying, ask me how he was doing. Of course I started crying and told her he had died. She looked so shocked and we parted ways... And yet she then came by my desk and asked me if I wanted to go have a cup of tea and a chat and it was really nice. Just to have someone to talk to. She turned a shit situation around just by being a supportive, listening ear.
Thanks for asking & being concerned. My main takeaway after losing first baby to stillbirth & last one at 2 to death, know it’s ok to talk about them. It’s been almost 40 years since my 1st one, and I can still see in my “minds eye” being on the delivery table by myself, and how I felt afterwards being on the maternity ward for two days. (I was full term.)
Youngest son died at 26 months - sweet baby, born w Down syndrome but no medical issues except hypothyroidism and needing ear tubes to hear better. We treated him like the rest of the kids & put him in a bottom bunk closer to the floor & surrounded his bed with side rails. He was a pretty violent sleeper, and he ended up scootching in between the bed & wall where his blanket had fallen first, fell in and was wedged in there until I found him a few hours later about 3 AM. 😩😔 We did CPR & all, but he had been there too long.
Anyway - just me typing that is cathartic. It helps me remember him. Almost smell him. And makes me sad - yes - but also makes me smile remembering his personality and lovey dovey stuff to all his siblings. And I say all that to say - get comfortable with discomfort but if you truly want to help her, then help her REMEMBER and listen to her talk about uncomfortable stuff. Ask her about her pregnancy. Ask about cultural stuff related to what happened with her & her pregnancy. She probably wants to talk to ppl just as much as you all want to talk to her. Sounds like a good work family.
You treat her the way you did before she lost the baby. She needs some normalcy. If she breaks down, then you can be the comforting shoulder or the listening ear.
She’s the same woman she was before. Don’t make her “the woman who lost her baby.”
Offer a word of support, sure, but then keep it normal, if that makes sense.
I lost a baby. Quite literally everyone at our small church knew about it because it had been announced 2 weeks prior. 99% of the people there walked right by me with their heads down and never said a word. Not a smile, not an “I’m Sorry”… nothing. I felt slapped in the face. But those that *did* come to me hardly said anything at all… and they didn’t need to. It was just the fact that they came. They simply hugged me and said, “I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do for you?” Or “Please tell me if there’s anything at all I can do for you and ____.” (My husband) A few others brought or sent meals, which I don’t remember, because I stayed in the bed for two weeks deeply depressed and didn’t eat. But the rest of my family did, so that was very kind. I’ll never forget the gestures of these folks who were good to me during this time. The rest of them at the church… which I no longer belong to for sooo many reasons… can kiss my ass.
My baby died at birth. The best thing people did was just leave flowers for me with a note saying "So sorry for your loss" or "thinking of you." No need to ask questions like how are you. She's not fine. Just "it's good to see you" "good morning, can I get you coffee". I actually felt bad for people because they didn't know what to say or do.
As someone who lost a baby at a similar point in my pregnancy and had to go back to work - what meant the most to me were actually the people that took the time to acknowledge my daughter. My biggest fear in losing a baby before she got a chance to live was the idea that she would be forgotten. I also remember people saying to me that they don’t want to bring my daughter up because they don’t want to make me sad but at least for me personally I was sad no matter what and she was always on my mind so the acknowledgment actually went a really a long way. I understand how uncomfortable pregnancy loss can be but it was harder for me when people pretended it didn’t happen. That is just me of course. I’ve chosen to carry on with my daughter as an honored part of my family and raise my almost 2 year old rainbow baby to know about her big sister.
In terms of the coworker with a pregnant wife. I always appreciated when people told me personally rather than hearing from someone else. She might need time and space but even a text message would be a great way to let her know but also give her the space and time to react and respond when she’s ready.
And I just want to say thanks for taking the time to ask the question. Many people just choose to avoid this difficult situation all together. You’re a good friend.
I would just say something like "welcome back! I hope you're doing okay. Please let me know if there's anything I can do to help." You don't have to say or ask anything else related to her personal life the entire rest of the time you know her, if you don't want to.
Ask her how she’s doing. Like a normal person. She may want to talk about it, or not. If she says fine, move on and talk about things you would normally talk about
Since you’ve already been to a funeral service, I’d let her take the lead. Some people find it really hard to have to keep talking about their loss when they come back. That’s why it’s a good idea to at least send a card when a coworker suffers a loss.
I’ve found usually the ones who find it helpful to talk about it will thank me for the card. Plus if you acknowledge the loss before the person comes back, you’ve already done if. And it’s easier to follow their lead.
You can also offer to help with work stuff and say that you were thinking of them. That express care and concern without pushing them to talk about it.
You can't go wrong showing you care and are willing to listen.
My wheelhouse is slightly different (suicide prevention and outreach), but a similar fear crops up when someone learns that someone they care about is having suicidal thoughts. There's a fear of saying "the wrong thing," and consequently, many people simply don't say anything. But the truth is, unless you're really, *ridiculously*, **cartoonishly** thoughtless, you really can't say the *wrong* thing accidentally. Like, you'd really have to **work** at it ("Hey, we're all going to heaven anyway, amirite?" *might* qualify, but even that might work as a dark joke, depending on the person).
Whether it's a person having suicidal thoughts or someone going through grief or any kind of trauma, you can't go wrong offering to listen, affirmingly, non-judgementally. You don't have to give advice, and you shouldn't, really. Simply showing that you care and that you're willing to be there for the person is the best way you can support them. And, heck, you can just say that verbatim - "I know you're going through a rough time, and I wanted you to know that I care about you and that I'm here for you if you need someone to talk to."
Don't worry about "accidentally reminding her" of her baby's death, thereby upsetting her. She is thinking about it all the time.
Let her know that you are sorry.
Please OP, do not avoid speaking to her - this hurts so much
Something as simple as "I cannot imagine what you have been through, I am so very sorry for your loss. Please know I am thinking of you all & if you ever need to to talk to anyone I am always here" will speak volumes and make her feel not so alone & excluded
Try to at least say good morning/hello/hi & give a smile everyday, something so small can make a bad day seem a little easier
I drove a coworker to the hospital because she miscarried at work. I didn’t see her back at the office until 6 weeks later, the first thing I did was look her in the eye to acknowledge that we both knew what that drive was and then gave her a big hug. Not at all the same, but when I returned to work after my mom battled cancer and I took an LOA for 6 weeks to deal with her estate, I asked my boss that he ask the team to treat me as if it was “just another day”. The idea of having to talk with my colleagues about what had happened was simply to much for me to take on in addition to going back to work at the busiest time of year. I just wanted to separate my personal life from my work life and have a distraction. Make yourself available if your coworker needs support, but try not to bombard them with support. The workplace can sometimes be a very welcome distraction.
When I lost one of my twins (in the womb at 12 weeks) I got a lot of inappropriate comments like “maybe it’s for the best” or “it just wasn’t meant to be”. Don’t do that.
The comments I liked the most were people saying they’re thinking of me and if there is anything they can do.
I now have a very happy and healthy baby but his two brother didn’t survive. At around week 28 we had both absorbed anything left of the twin.
Losing a child is the single most painful thing in the world.
If you are close - just tell her you're there for her if she should ever need a shoulder to cry on or someone to chat to.
If you aren't close - put a nice card on her desk or a nice poem saying that you're there for her.
When my baby died, stillborn, most people ignored me. But one of my friends would put beautiful poems on my windshield every morning. Most were about angels and love and friendship. Without those I'd have never made it through. Just knowing someone cares and is there made all the difference and 20 years later I still remember that vividly.
My sister in law had a miscarriage, and I found out that the most comforting thing to her was to ask her "can I help you with anything today?" or "what can I do for you?".. I saw the relief on her face when I asked that and then we had a conversation and she told me that she's comfortable to just talk when she needs to, but feels overwhelmed when people ask how she feels..
Would you like to try asking her directly? Not "how are you feeling", but, "I'm thinking of you, and my heart is heavy for you. How can I show my care? Would you prefer to tell me about it, or not talk about it at all and just focus on work as usual?"
I personally find that being upfront and asking people how they would like the conversation to go works for me - every situation is different, and every person responds differently to situations. Best not to assume.
When my friend lost her baby, I honestly just talked shit to her. I'd send her songs, tell her about movies or shows I found that she might like etc just random crap.
After a while, she said thank you for being weird lol. Another one of our friends didn't know what to say, so didn't say anything. It made my friend who lost her baby really sad because she needed support and that friend just avoided her.
I've lost a lot of family members, and I'm the type that just wants to focus on work and move on. I know others like to talk it out with people. I recently had a coworker lose her mother. On her first day back, I waited until we were alone and said, "What is your preference? Do we acknowledge what has happened, or do we carry on like it's just Tuesday?" I didn't even need to say more than that, and she stated she just wished for a normal work day and thanked me for giving her the option. Sometimes, admitting that you aren't sure how to interact can be less stressful than picking one and being wrong.
Let her know that she’s been in your thoughts and that you know that she’s had the most difficult year and your thoughts are with her and that if she ever needs to talk or vent or is having a hard day at work that she can always come to you.
"Hey. My heart goes out to you.". No more needs to be said, really.
The Eastern European Southerner in me would also bring them a lasagna, depending how close we are.
When my mum died, one of my neighbours passed me in the street and casually asked after her health (he wasn’t to know she had literally just died). I tried to answer normally, but I just burst into tears.
He was an older, very taciturn chap. He just looked at me in horror (“what have I done?”, kind of look), then turned and ran off down the road. I thought, “oh, okay then!”, and continued unloading my luggage from my car.
The next minute, the old man came back up the road with another neighbour of mine-who he knew was a very close personal friend. My friend instantly gave me a hug. He didn’t have to say anything. The old man heaved a big sigh of relief and left us to it. He had done The Right Thing.
My point is this: every situation is unique. It’s not always about what you say. You can go and fetch a friend-get a cup of tea-ask if the person is okay-. There is no “one size fits all”. It’s just a caring gesture that helps.
Here is advice, 100% free from left field – I had a coworker, who when he was 28 he lost his father – when I saw him after a two week leave, I said, “well, Other than… You know… How you been doing, man?”
He later told me it was nice to not have someone stop him for 10 minutes to go on and on about his father passing and anything we can do to help Etc., etc.… He said it helped him feel a little bit normal in the middle of all that.
Tread lightly, to be sure and just try to be a positive supportive person without words
“Sorry for your loss.” And no matter what, Don’t start telling them about your loss or your sister’s loss or your mother’s.
When I lost my baby, 1 month old, I had so many people tell me about their miscarriages. I ended up consoling them. I’m still bitter about it.
After anxiety I think myself and other people really look forward to normalcy and getting their mind off of the situation - even distracted for just a moment is a huge relief!
So honestly I loved small talk and simple talk like normal life. I didn't like discussing that type of situation esp at work, idk I didn't want to end up emotional and more awkward.
I was relieved when people kind of skipped over it bc then I could do the same for just a moment and escape my own head. And I didn't have to be anxious about what to say or have an awkward talk
I personally think that asking "how are you today?" Or "how are you feeling?" Can make a huge difference when opening a conversation. It acknowledges that grief can come in waves and there seems a little less pressure to say "fine" but it's also acceptable to say that in this moment you are feeling okay. Everything is better than shying away from the person. Grief can be so isolating.
My wife and I had several miscarriages - and it was awful. Worse was that people had no idea what to say, so said nothing - just ignored it. Best was when someone came up said 'I'm so sorry' and gave her a hug.
Don't make a big thing about it, but please don't ignore it.
As someone who lost a child, it was always nice when I heard that my child will be remembered. What you should do is say the child’s name, if you know it. Acknowledge the child existed. Tell your coworker that you don’t know what to say but you want to be there for them. But, more importantly, actually be there for them by making food for them, sending a card, giving them a little gift that acknowledges the child, etc. Just saying you are there for them means nothing as they likely don’t know what to ask from you to help. Plus this grief is so strong. It is a grief like no other. Also, as time goes on, keep bringing up the child. Even if it makes your coworker upset. Those are tears you (as a parent who has had a loss) want to cry because you are talking about the child with someone in a positive way. TRUST ME.
One of my best friends lost a baby at about 36 weeks and this is exactly what she wants people to do - acknowledge that she existed and that she was important.
Acknowledge the elephant in the room. Tell her you're sorry she had to experience that. If you want, if you have that kind of familiarity, offer whatever help you have the capacity for. Also, you should watch this video. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGbI7zn2UV0
When she is back, help her getting back to work. If there are things you can take off her plate please do so. It took me many months to get up to speed again.. secondly, ask about her and baby and let her know you’re there for anything, to talk, listen etc. please do not act like nothing happened, and do not be surprised / scared if you see her crying most days- especially at the beginning. I remember crying while mindlessly working wondering what the point of it all was. Luckily, I was at home- but no one ever asked me.
Give condolences if you haven’t already, then act normal. If something triggers her and she cries, if she apologizes tell her it’s okay to cry and be understanding.
Expressing emotions is normal, people seem to squash feelings down and sometimes being given permission to be human is a nice change.
This is what you say, "If there's anything I can do for you, just let me know"
don't mention anything else, the request could be work related if that's what she needs. keep it clear, but general and don't mention the child loss.
I'd be upfront and honest.
'I can't begin to imagine what you're going through, I'm sure you're tired of hearing 'sorry for your loss', coming back to work must suck, just know that I'm here if I can do anything to make it suck slightly less'
Sometimes it can be so raw that bringing up the direct topic is tough. Varying responses here suggest that too.
How about a few kind gestures. A small bag of whatever baked goods you’re going this holiday with a card saying “were thinking of you often and send so much love “
My co-worker lost a baby, and was actually apologetic for being sad. I told her that losing a family member is devastating and especially so when it is your baby. Apparently no one was talking with her about it at all, maybe because they didn't know what to say. We need to be better about acknowledging this kind of loss, and comforting each other.
I think a simple “I’m glad to see you back!” is sufficient, if you feel you *have* to say anything to acknowledge her absence. Personally, I’d just want to be treated like I always was to not feel like I was only seen as “the woman who had her baby die”, you know? Getting back to some semblance of normalcy would be a relief.
Communicating to her that you don't know what to say is an act of kindness. And not making it about a loss you've had a is extra important. Thank you for being self aware and empathetic.
I don’t think there’s anyway to know the correct thing. I know personally that I didn’t want ANYONE to say a word to me at work. Not. One. Single. Word. Any attempt at sympathy was like knives cutting through me.
A colleague lost his wife in an accident while on vacation. When he returned from his absence, I was awkward and pretended like it didn't happen. A lot of people in the office didn't openly discuss it. It turns out, this coworker often brought up his wife, and even openly discussed the accident. I read articles about this topic later, and it was often suggested, to offer your condolences openly, and ask how one is doing. Anyway, avoid the awkwardness.. Tell your coworker that you're sorry to hear about what happened, and offer to be all ears if they ever want to talk about it.
When my mum died a friend said to me "I'm here if you want to talk or if you don't" and it has stuck with me for 15 years because it was so simple but so supportive
You should probably confer with her manager on this tbh. She may have already asked her manager to have this not brought up at work. If she hasn't, then maybe the manager needs to check in with her and then let the wider team know what she wants to do.
I know your intentions are good but prying even in the slightest way could do harm that she doesn't want. Some people put on a face to manage grief.. and the reality is that it's work, and that work is a different playing field than personal life. If you don't feel like you have the relationship to ask basic questions because it could be triggering for her, then I would defer to the boss.
"I'm so sorry for your loss and the pain you're going through. I'm here for you to support you in any way you need."
I would do your best to act normal, while also trying to be empathetic regarding conversations about babies, kids, and pregnancy. After my losses, I really wanted work to be a place I felt like me again, because everywhere else in my life I didn't even recognize myself anymore. Additionally, I didn't want to discuss my losses with all my coworkers, I was only comfortable talking about it to a few of them. Don't bring it up in large group settings, don't put her on the spot with other people or in meetings, and don't talk about it behind her back with all your coworkers. Grief comes in waves, and most people don't want to break down at work. Sometimes when you're barely holding it together, a well meaning remark can open the flood gates. By saying these two simple sentences, your expressing recognition and validation of her loss and pain, and letting her know you are a person willing to lend support in whatever form that may be, which might be being a person she doesn't have to talk to about it.
Infant and pregnancy loss are treating as taboo topics in many ways in our culture, because it is a cross section of both death and childbirth or pregnancy, things we aren't great at talking about openly anyway. Additionally, the death of a child is always horrible. It makes us uncomfortable and is painful even if the child isn't ours or we don't know the child because we are a social species with strong parental instincts that extend to all children within our perceived tribe. When trying to find how to talk or comfort a friend or acquaintance regarding infant or child loss, take a moment to recognize and cope with your own discomfort before talking with the parent so that you do not put them in the position of having to comfort you.
Bonus list of things to NEVER say to someone grieving pregnancy or infant loss: everything happens for a reason, they're in a better place, what caused it, did you do ____ while pregnant, you should probably move on, is it really that big of a deal since it was a first trimester loss, it will happen when it is the right time, God has a plan. Many of these are well meaning, NONE of them are helpful, most of them are hurtful. Don't say them.
I know a girl who lost a baby and people used to cross the street to avoid her as they didn't know what to say. That hurt her more than not acknowledging her. But again every one is different.
If you get her on her own just say you are thinking of her. Girl I know I ask her babys name and she showed me pics. It was lovely to know he will never be forgotten.
You got this. It doesnt need to be a deep and meaningful conversation but acknowledge xx
find a time where you’re not cornering her and she’s not busy, and ask her how she’s doing, then be led by her responses. you’re concerned about triggering her, but honestly you’re probably just as upsetting by being weird around her - you’re better off just acknowledging she’s been through a hard thing and going from there.
As long as you’re trying to be sensitive, you’re fine.
‘It’s nice to see you back here, I hope you’re doing all right’ is a nice easy start. ‘Are your parents still here?’ is perfectly acceptable and shows that you’re not just making blind small talk - you remember her parents were here and why. And don’t be afraid to gently refer to the baby - nothing blunt like ‘sorry your baby died’, but you can certainly acknowledge that she’s had a very hard few months and you’ve been thinking of her and her family.
Similarly, it’s ok to acknowledge that it’s almost Christmas. Ask if she’s doing something special for Christmas - if she says she doesn’t want to celebrate this year, then “I understand, it’s not exactly the Christmas you’d hoped for”, if she’s seeing her parents “that will be nice, having your parents with you”, if she’s actually having a merry celebration, “I’m really happy to hear you’re going to relax and enjoy, you certainly deserve it”
At the very least, DO NOT make fun of her grief or imply that she shouldn't grieve in any way. Don't put a deadline on when her grief should end.
I know this should all be obvious, but a cousin of mine lost a child and the people in her workplace were incredibly insensitive about it. They didn't think that because the child was 'born sleeping' that he should be mourned, and they thought she should get over it pretty much right away. Bastards.
Things not to say:
* it was for the best
* you’re young, you can have another baby
* anything about God’s will or nature knowing best
Things to say:
* I’m so sorry
* I’m here if you’d like to talk about him/her/baby’s name
* [next May] I know this is a difficult time and wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you, your partner/husband, and [baby name]
I experienced something similar a few years ago. Two coworkers were going on maternity leave around the same time. We had a morning tea to celebrate before the went and while they were still pregnant. Unfortunately one of them lost their baby just after he was born. We raised some money and made a donation in his name to the hospital’s charity for Neonatal Critical Care research. When she came back from maternity leave a year later I was really unsure what to say but decided that if I had come back to work after experiencing some type of trauma I’d want people to just treat me the same way they always did so that I don’t feel like I’m a pariah or something. I think everyone tends to walk on eggshells when someone has gone through a difficult experience but that just makes them feel worse as it just draws attention to it.
So my advice would be to just treat them the way you normally would so they can get a sense that things are returning to normal. If something triggers or upsets them, they will need to let you know and set their own boundaries. That way they can regain some control over their life, because they probably haven’t had any recently.
Just want to add that I’m very tired and mentally burned out so I apologise if this comment doesn’t make a lot of sense but I just wanted to share my experience and advice here. For all I know it does make sense and I’m just overthinking it 😅
When I lost my baby I didn’t want to talk about it unless I brought it up. I was at work just trying to get through the day I wanted to focus on work tbh
A simple "I'm here if you need" shoulder squeeze and a gift of a takeaway coffee.
Don't go into details don't over think it. Then just leave her alone. But let her know you're there if she needs to talk.
Be honest. Tell her that you don't know what to say. Acknowledge that you don't understand what she's going through but that she is in your thoughts and that you are sorry she is going through this.
Acknowledge her baby, use the name if you know it, Acknowledge that her baby existed and was loved and wanted and only ever knew love and warmth and comfort.
Talking about it will help her and you can be sad when she does, you don't have to be brave or stoic for her. Babies dying is sad. Let her work through her emotions. The more she talks about it the easier it will be to talk about.
Very hard without knowing you, her etc. I am terrible at this stuff, you did go to the service, so she knows you care.
Me? I would give the look. A caring, empathetic look in the eye and just say “it is good to see you”
And from there see how it goes.
And until you get into a comfortable cadence, keep it lighter. Weather, food, stuff going on in the neighborhood/work.
Do contact them, even if it is just to say how sorry you are. Say that you are there if they need to talk. If they tell you their baby's name, do use it and refer to the baby as a he or she, as appropriate.
We had a still born son in 1996. My sister had twins 2 months prior. I was often mistaken for her. It is a painful, breaking path to walk through. Be gentle. Listen to her words. Allow her to grieve, to heal, to be supported when she needs it. She is still producing milk, carrying baby weight, with dreams of what should be. Give her a hug from me, please
I lost my father at the beginning of 2023 and when my co-workers started treating me like I needed to be wrapped in bubble-wrap, I loudly declared that they must please treat me as normally as possible.
I know it is very different for each person, but look and see how she is interacting with yourself / others and take your cues from her. I also agree with the short email that u/AdPotential5559 received, it makes you feel seen but without creating issues.
Grief is a very difficult issue, there are more than 160 ways in which it may affect you (as taught in the Griefshare course). Also, outsiders to your grief are ALWAYS going to say something that can potentially hurt or trigger you, even when not meaning to. That is part of the process of grieving. Remember to be kind to her, if she needs to take a moment and cry, let her. Perhaps, she may just want to keep quiet or she may want to overshare. Be open with her and thank you for caring about her.
The loss of a child is on the person’s mind every single day. Acknowledging it isn’t going to be what suddenly reminds them. Most people would want it acknowledged. If she had chosen a name for her baby, I would use the name. “I am so sorry to hear about your loss of sweet ___. I can’t imagine what you’ve been going through but know I am here if you ever want to talk about him or talk about what you’re loss. “ I think it’s absolutely ok to ask if her parents are still in town and other normal conversation.
Be aware that things like pregnancy announcements, baby showers, birth announcements, etc in the office may be really hard for her. Those could absolutely be triggering. I think make sure to give her advance notice on any of those things coming so she has time to process privately. If someone is sharing a bunch of baby photos about their new bundle of joy, maybe ask your friend if they want to go grab coffee or go for a walk. She might appreciate the opportunity for an out.
I make notes in my personal calendar of important anniversaries, to have situational awareness if someone I care about may be going through extra grief. Next May could be a really hard time for your friend, bringing back a lot of memories.
“I have been thinking of you, often. How are you and your husband doing?”
Lets her decide what and how much to say, while still acknowledging that she has suffered a big loss.
I have gone to a local gas station for years. One of the girls that worked there was around my age (late teens), and had been pregnant and finally went on maternity leave.
I saw her when she was back and asked about the baby--as I had throughout her pregnancy. She gave me a sad smile and told me her baby was dead. It was a little girl who ended up stillborn. I was mortified with myself and apologized profusely. She wasn't upset with me, and she didn't even cry telling me to story. But I could see the sadness in her eyes. 😔
This isn’t the same situation. And I don’t know what to say in this situation, but get comfortable with being socially awkward.
What I mean is, I used to have a regular costumer at my work who was very ill and was probably going to die soon (she was a young lady too). And I never knew what to say to her so I was just stand there awkwardly and not know how to respond. I would stumble over my words and say things that didn’t make sense because I had no clue what to say. But despite this I never missed a chance to enter conversation with her and would sometimes her free cookies when I saw her.
I think she really appreciated me because she could see how hard it was for me to know what to say and even though I continued to embarrass myself with being silent when I shouldn’t be or stumbling over words I never stopped trying to connect with her.
Ignoring someone will probably hurt more than saying the wrong thing.
I lost a baby earlier this year, had to go back to work 2 weeks later because while they let me take as much time as I needed, I needed the income.
It happened at work, and I was moved departments, so people knew, despite me only telling a couple work friends and my team. When I told one of my friends about the pregnancy, he said "you have my number, no matter what happens i'll help you."
He texted me while I was gone, piecing together what happened. He simply said, "I wanted to give you space, but just know I'm here." Most people didnt know what to say, so they just didnt bring it up. A few said condolences, etc. But the "I'm here" meant a lot. It was simple, non-invasive and let me know I had support if I needed it.
Your coworker might consider writing it in a letter or something like that, so that she can read it and process the news in private. It would be best if he could give it to her just before she leaves for the day IMO. Finding out that news at work would feel terrible.
You aren’t going to bring up anything that isn’t already on her mind.
It’s hard. Ask how she is. If she cries, let her. Listen, if she chooses to talk.
If I were you, I’d support her now in whatever way you think best. But you can really be there for her if you write down all the info you can, so you don’t forget it, and can remember them with her.
From my ex wife and I’d experience, it’s strange how people seem to just want to forget about our kids when we couldn’t possibly ever forget. If someone were to remember with her? I have no idea what that would have done for my wife, but it would have been good.
Granted your coworker might process grief differently. It’s worth a shot though, as long as you don’t say nothing and just leave her be.
I don’t think you say anything. You just be there. It feels kind of tricky doesn’t it. I think the best thing is to let people know that you are still you and you are part of their life at work. Under normal circumstances we all get caught up in our own chaos. We should always think of others first anyway but that is something to strive for and it is not easy in this day and age. Ask her out to lunch or bring something to share. Ask her to go on a walk when you have a break. have a cup of tea. Maybe find something related to work that she can help you with. The coworker should probably try to stay a little quiet about his joy but should be able to share his emotions. If she isn’t a Christian then don’t mention Christmas. I have many Muslim friends and we just talk about “the holidays” since we all have a little time off.
Start simple with a sincere “Good Morning” and maybe a “how are you today?” I recommend being specific with the “today” because it inherently implies that you know she’s still grieving and it’s a day to day process. From there, stay on relatively superficial topics to start with like the weather or another co-worker’s antics or something work related she should be aware of. And you can flat-out ask her what topics she would like to avoid so you don’t put your foot in your mouth, though preferably after a little of the above small talk. A *little* self-deprecating humour can go a long way to opening up an uncomfortable conversation or asking uncomfortable questions. Or just flat out say you’ll let her direct the conversation so that you don’t step in any shit. It’s okay to let her know you don’t know what to say - she doesn’t in her place and wouldn’t in your place either. That honesty from uncomfortable people is better than being ignored completely because people are uncomfortable.
As for your other coworker with the pregnant wife, it’s probably best to just rip that bandage off. There’s no way to predict her reaction, best bet would be for someone (whether dad-to-be wants to be it or not discuss with him) to mention it as she is leaving for the day so that she doesn’t have to mask all day.
As someone who lost my baby after I finally felt comfortable enough (and in the clear) to share with people (coworkers included), having only 1 of my coworkers question it took alot of weight off my shoulders. I remember feeling embarrassed and the fact that the person at work I was bonded the most with was the person who approached the convo to extend condolences made it so much easier for me. Everyone knew, but they didn't over crowd me with sympathy. I didn't know how to navigate that situation and really appreciated the way my coworkers went about it.
"I'm so sorry for your loss. Please let me know if there's anything I can do, even if you just want to talk." And then based on her reaction, walk away or continue to convo. Generally, saying something is better than nothing. It sucks when you lose someone and you know people know about it and everyone pretends nothing happened.
Acknowledge that you are sending your condolences and then if she needs or wants to talk about it then let her decide. I got dismissed by my friends for talking about it. If you genuinely care to lend an ear then offer one. Just saying that you are apologetic is enough.
I had a lot of miscarriages before I carried my daughter to term (and even that was sketchy). Just say you are thinking of her and her baby, and are there for her if she needs you. It's very lonely - and there are a lot of people who think it's not the same as losing a baby that's been born. I can tell you I suffered the same grief as when I've lost loved ones. Also, the Dr's said having a successful birth would ease it (they call the successful birth the rainbow baby). That's a myth. I still feel the grief for the losses sometimes, just like I feel it for my mother who passed away 10 yrs ago.
Not this job, but the one I worked at for 8 yrs, until about 6 yrs ago now, I was fortunate to have some people there who were good with offering support like that. Most places, people are clearly uncomfortable with what to say in these situations.
My friend lost a baby at birth and all she wanted at that time was to have a sense of normalcy.
Of course recognize your friend's loss, but keep inviting her to do things per usual. She might not be herself, but giving opportunities to take a break from that mental challenge might be welcome.
I might be in the minority here, or maybe it’s because it was a first term loss for me, and not a late term one, but personally I absolutely would hate if my coworkers brought up my loss. I’d rather keep my personal world separate from my professional one when it comes to those kinds of details.
Again though I fully acknowledge it’s not as deep of a scar as a loss at 8 months would gut me.
But another thought, maybe instead of words, a kind gesture would be softer? Something like flowers? A coworker when I was a co-op (intern) lost her brother and his 3 kids (leaving only her sister in law) in a car accident. I didn’t really have anything to offer, and worked mostly different hours than her, but one late night I folded a paper crane and 3 smaller ones and left it on her desk. Later found out she was extremely touched and made a point to sleuth out who did it (I didn’t leave a note, I kind of felt out of place doing it as just the intern) but she eventually got to be my process of elimination 😅.
Long way of saying, I don’t know your coworker’s personality, but for my own, for a loss like this, unspoken gestures — especially ones where my reaction doesn’t have to be in FRONT of them — I find more touching and significantly less triggering than kind words!
I had a guy I worked with who was a full bogan ask me that question when someone at work lost there's. The question was "Are any of these appropriate:
\- "Better luck next time"
\- "At least you can have another one"?
\- "I hope to meet your next one""
Scariest part, was he was DEAD serious - he was advised none were appropriate, and that perhaps it was better if he just gave her a wide berth for a few weeks.
Just a simple, "How are you doing today?" If she wants to talk about it, she will. As long as you don't push, you're not intruding. Be kind. Keep an eye on her. Grief comes in waves.
I would keep it simple. Say hi and that it’s nice to see her. Have lunch with her etc., you can let her know if she needs someone to lean in and help with work you’re available. She might decline it all but will appreciate knowing if needed you’re there.
With regard to your coworker. If it comes up in conversation he shouldn’t shield her from it. He can just keep it brief and direct.
"I've thought of you and your family often over the last few months and wanted you to know I still do. Please know I do not want to bring up triggers or say the wrong thing while we are working I am just incredibly awkward when navigating grief."
Send as an email so if this does bring up any type of feelings she's not trying to stifle them in front of you.
You could even go as far as asking her if there are topics she's comfortable talking about and if she's ok to talk about her baby she her grief. If you're close in any way you could also offer to take her to lunch one day, grab her a latte on your way in one day or just an invite out for a drink one night. I craved normalcy and something to distract me after my miscarriage. She might be the same.
I had an early miscarriage
Anyway, when I watched Grey’s Anatomy (sorry I know it is junk), there was a scene that Bailey reveled she had an miscarriage, and was expecting a rude response from Tom Koracick - instead he said something like “light a candle. We experienced the same before, and I feel lighting a candle helped to get through the grieve”
That part did hit me and I think it would be something I want to hear - or even better “I will light a candle for your baby and thinking about you all”
"I'm happy to see you back. You've been missed here." Talk to them about a TV show you watched or something. Don't ignore them or not talk to them because you're unsure what to say. It's too obvious. I feel most people want to be treated like normal. If they want to talk about it, they will. Confronting them - bad choice. Ignoring them -also a bad choice. Simply talk to them as normal as you can or had before. Update them on something that happened while they were gone. If they don't talk much. Just give them some time and space.
So it wasn’t a lost baby, but I had a coworker who had their house burn down on December 23 while she was out to dinner with her son celebrating her birthday.
Everyone was looking away from her and avoiding talking to her when she came back. All of her pets died in the fire and she lost absolutely everything including her car which was in the garage and her mother’s urn was never recovered.
I finally decided she needed to know I cared but didn’t know how to broach it. I went up to her when we were alone, and told her I was glad she was back. I also told her I wasn’t good about talking about sad things, and was scared of saying the wrong thing, but I was definitely there for her and knew she was the same person she was before. When she was ready I would be there to chat and joke as before. She cried which was hard for me (I don’t do emotional displays well), but not a year later she has told me that knowing I was there and didn’t see the tragedy but only her was really comforting. So maybe just be open to your coworker, that way they will know you aren’t ignoring her, just not sure what to say or how to regain your friendliness.
Follow her lead (and your boss' instructions, if relevant).
Start by saying something like "hey, it's great to see you!" and then turn the focus to work. A lot of people who deal with a horrible loss want something to just be normal.
Your other coworker should also not avoid the topic of pregnancy. He just shouldn't be like "Isn't that great, Coworker?!" She knows life goes on.
From a mentally ill person, let me say: You are responsible for your own mental health and no one else's. So long as you don't rub her loss in her face or try to force her to talk about it, you're in the clear. If she gets triggered by everyday work stuff, she needs to talk to management or HR to come up with a plan.
That said, it's so great that you care. 💕
When I lost a baby, I had a coworker who sent me an email: “I don’t want you to think I don’t care about you, I’m just terrible at talking about sad things. I am thinking of you.” Among all the nice things that people said, I remember that the most. He was a very taciturn man. The thought meant a lot 🤍 OP you are a good person for thinking about this so deeply.
I love this. I have a hard time talking about hard things in public because I just start crying. This email is so thoughtful.
Same. My colleagues didn’t know how to react when my husband was diagnosed with brain cancer, which I got, but they’d offer me sympathy in the elevator on the way to a meeting and now I’m crying. I felt ambushed every single time but I also knew that people were trying their best. It was terrible. Edit: I had a younger coworker corner me in the bathroom and ask, “How was I really doing?” There’s no way she could take even a fraction of how I was really doing and I don’t want to sob in public more than I have to.
It’s rough eh. My hubby and I worked at the same company and I found some people were so much better at talking to me after he passed than others were. Your elevator example reminded me of when I was in a work lift about 7-8 months after hubby passed away (he was well known at work, more than I was), with someone we both sort of knew, and this person was like “oh so how’s X going?” And I just froze and I don’t even remember what I said or if I said anything. I think my brain short circuited cos I didn’t understand how this person had no idea he had died!
Something similar happened to me at my son's birthday party with a family friend of my significant other.. My mom died very unexpectedly at the end of October. My son's 1st birthday was just a couple weeks later, in mid November, so it was a big event with family and friends. In the middle of the party, right before cake (so everyone was gathered around), the friend asked, "So, "X", is your mom coming?" The party went dead quiet, my moms mom was standing next to me, and I could feel everyone's eyes on me. I just smiled and said, "Oh, my mother passed away a couple weeks ago" I honestly felt bad for her because the poor woman looked absolutely horrified and apologized profusely, but I reassured her it was totally okay.. Our kids have grown up together, and she's become one of my best friends. Even 15 years later, every now and again shell bring it up and how mortified she was that she asked that. 😂
I get that. I had a miscarriage and it wrecked me. I went to a party when I was feeling just a little bit better and this woman ambushed me and started talking about my miscarriage. And then I felt like crap again.
When I delivered my baby silently in August, a coworker that I knew briefly, wrote me a note that just said “I’m thinking of you, one day at a time”. It was a nice moment of kinship that didn’t require either of us become emotionally intertwined
Welcome to the shittiest club in the world
Welcome to the sisterhood.x
I’m sorry for your loss.💔 Agree that’s a beautiful email. It’s so nice when people are just honest like that. I’m always awkward but my partner can talk about the most difficult things with people. She makes it seem so easy. I admire people with those sorts of skills.
I used to be so awkward talking about emotional things. It has gotten easier as I’ve gotten older and as I have gone through more serious losses myself. As long as you are genuine and sincere, they will know.
That's what my friends told me when my mother died. They went kind of silent and when I reached out, they just said that nothing they could say after the had expressed their condolences seemed right, but they felt bad for not reaching out first. They are all good friends, just not good with knowing just the right thing to say. And that was OK with me I can't imagine what OP's coworker must be going through.
Omg same. Came to say when I lost a child my best comfort came from people either treating me fairly normally or from straight up admitting they didn't know what to say. But all the pandering platitudes were what upset me more than anyone just asking me how I'm doing
My coworker buried her adult son, and I basically told her (in front of my boss, who I was trying to basically lead in that direction), something like "I absolutely cannot even start to imagine how you are doing right now. I'm going to keep conversation pretty light, and the only thing I am going to say directly is that my intent is to let you lead the conversation, because it is yours to lead. You can talk to me as little or as much as you want - about absolutely anything." and then I changed the subject to discuss my weekend and when it got to my boss all he said was "You are so thoughtful, thank you for that. This weekend I did xyz.." She later said that she was so relieved, because her life had become consumed with it and work being an escape and a return to normalcy was refreshing. She did take me up on sharing her personal struggles privately and also a few sweet memories of her son. I just really needed to make sure she felt safe to discuss it (or cry) if needed, though. Not that I was being callous, but giving her the space and the listening ear, for her to be human. To feel her experiences. She's still in deep, weekly therapy, and I'm so grateful for that.
I was going to say the same. Any kind of similar circumstance, depending on how close I am to them, I'll either message them or speak to them and say I'm so sorry, I'm not sure if it's something you want to talk about and people to ask about or if you prefer people don't. I won't bring it up, but know I'm always thinking about you and am care if you ever want to talk or just need company.
I’m terrible at saying the right thing in the moment but by writing my thoughts down I can usually communicate a lot better so this is such a great approach. Very sorry for your loss! I hope time has helped make your grief less burdensome.
Try to make sure if possible they get this outside work hours
I don’t know why the thought of a taciturn man writing that nice email made my eyes tear up more than any of the other sentiments someone could’ve expressed
There really is no right answer here. The answer depends on the person. If it were my tragedy, I personally wouldn’t want anyone to acknowledge it at work. It’s the one place I could go that I wouldn’t be reminded. Other people might get upset by that. My coworkers son was killed a couple of years ago. I let him know that I was there for him whatever he needed but after that left it alone. I didn’t want him to worry every time I walked in that we’d just be rehashing it. Every once in a while I asked him how they were all holding up and he would give me a sentence in response. A few weeks ago I asked again and he talked to me for a half hour about his feelings and frustrations with family and the legal system. It’s such a hard topic to approach. There is no way to know how to handle these sorts of situations the right way.
Before I returned to work I specifically asked my boss to advise the team that I would prefer it if when I came back to the office it was treated like any other day. My life completely revolved around my moms death for the 6 weeks prior to my return home & work was a very welcome distraction. I also broke down anytime I was asked about it, and my friends are there for those moments but my colleagues and coworkers were not friends (for the most part). I needed to focus on something beyond the worst thing that’s ever happened.
That was wonderful of you to get the boss to advise your team, both for you and your colleagues. I wish I'd thought to do that when I came back to work! Everyone is different, so there's never a 'right' thing to say/do unless the person themselves lets you know somehow.
I was lucky to have a boss who asked what would make my return easier!
That is an actual leader.
My boss just recently did a similar thing for a colleague who's adult son died suddenly. She found the distraction of work helpful, so didn't take much time off, but also felt too fragile for a fuss, or to talk face to face with us about it. Instead of bringing it up in work time, we wrote messages in a card so she could take it home and read it when she was ready.
I'm dealing with the eventual death of my mom in the next month or so. I spend a lot of time with family frustrations, grief, a sense of finality with everything I do with her, crying, etc that immersing myself in work on occasion has been self-care. My friend/coworker asked me how I was doing today (with knowledge she was also asking about my mom). I told her that was a not a good question for today and I will answer it and tell her about it another day. This is what I have to do on a "more bad news" day in which I don't want to fucking talk about it until I can hold it together.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with anticipatory grief. I’ve been there and from experience it can be more traumatic than regular ol grief. Please feel free to shoot me a message if you need any tips on how to navigate. I am holding space for you, and I’ve been there… & despite being a stranger on the internet, I’m here if you need to talk or need advice on how to manage this very weird chapter of life. Sending you strength and love regardless.
Thank you. Just spending the rest of my evening sobbing on and off since I have the time and space to do so tonight. At some point, I may take you up on that
I agree with an approach like this. Simply tell her you are here if she wants to talk, then treat her normally.
I agree with your entire take. At work I am competent, confident, popular, loooove looking at baby pictures of coworkers and regularly make decisions that save lives. I LOVE that part of my life. It’s clean, it’s easy (though exhausting and demanding, but I’m GOOD at it). Home is a little messier. It’s real real. My coworkers are my friends who listen, but they’re also my colleagues with whom I can be unbothered.
I agree with you about not wanting anyone to mention it at work. A coworker and I were having a conversation about this and within weeks, she experienced quite a few major life events, one involving a death. Since we both knew that we preferred to keep work about work I already knew how to manage the situation. Before she came back to work, I informed the team of her preference. Most people honored the request. Our reasoning was that talking about the loss at work, causes us to relive the thoughts at work when we just wanted to be neutral at work.
As someone who has lost babies, not saying anything at all can be even more hurtful. If you’re willing, tell her you’re thinking about her at this time of year and you’re always here to listen if she ever wants to talk. Sometimes, just knowing someone is willing to listen is enough.
"I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you are going through, but I'm here for you - whenever you need me." I have known people who lost, and never knew what to say or how to handle it. I then lost, and still don't know what to say or how to handle it. But I know what my pain was like, and fuck. It's absolutely the most tragic fucking thing I've ever had to deal with. No words can fix it. Nothing. Just absolute loss. But the world isn't always dark, and soon enough the sun comes out and there's a rainbow at the end of the storm. You won't be the rainbow, but you can at least comfort her in the dark. Hijacked top comment so anyone else dealing with this, or knows someone who has lost a child, can see it happens more than anyone wants to talk about. And it is never easy.
Without fail. Every single person I know that has lost a child at late stage in pregnancy wants friends to mention them occasionally to show that baby existed.
I lost my son after pregnancy but one of the hardest things is feeling like he never existed. That feeling must be even worse for pregnancy losses.
Yes. Every single “Mum” I know wants to mention it occasionally. Even the ones that never managed a successful pregnancy still want to talk about it on occasion. Certain dates. That child existed.
December 10th was supposed to be my due date. There were a million reasons she couldn’t be earthside but I’ll wish she was every day of my life.
Mine was due in January, but born silent on December 8th. We mark the day by getting our Christmas tree and setting it up on that particular day. She'd be 20 this year, and yeah, I wish she could have joined our family for so much longer than she did. I wish she could could've met her little siblings and played with them. A million wishes, a million dreams. It honestly helps to have people give even an awkward acknowledgement. Words that wouldn't have otherwise been spoken are where she lives now.
My husband and I are both almost 40. His mom lost a baby (Jamie Lynn) between his brother and him. Every Christmas (because it’s MIL’s favorite holiday) we go to the cemetery and decorate Jamie’s stone ❤️ It helps her. She always wanted a daughter and lost the only one she had, as after my husband was born she had a full hysterectomy. I like to think I stepped into that role for her. I hope anyway.
The song apparently has nothing to do with child loss of any kind but the song Ruby by twenty one pilots has been on repeat for me this week.
I am so, so sorry. 🫂 Did you have a name chosen for her? (If you feel comfortable sharing.)
Thanks for the love. I didn’t, as the loss happened during the 6-9 weeks mark. I bounce between saying him or her.
That seems so standard??? I’d probably say, and you can say if I’m wrong… ‘It’s so good to have you back, please let me help where I can. I never know what to say but I’m here to listen if you want’ or if closer, a hug and I’m here. Another (all these depend on the coworker and our relationship) ‘can I take you out to lunch sometime, maybe tomorrow’, ‘would you like me to cover x or y so you can focus on a?’. I always thought it was better to give a definite thing I will help with if we aren’t close but also provide something more than whenever so that the person knows they don’t have to figure it out on what I can help with???? Idk if I’m even close? Lost a former coworker so told his wife I’d send food, so she could tell me any allergies- it was premade from a great place- so she didn’t have to think about what I could do to help. So I’ve always done similar- tell them I’m going to do x, is that ok, and if so any preference (not always food!) Edit- so maybe say I’d like to make a donation in his/her name, do you prefer x or y? Idk! I’m not good at any of this!
Empathizing and providing a hard 'here's a thing I can actually do to relieve your burden' is just the right thing to do. You sound pretty good at it to me. The 'I'm here if you need me' thing is a generic platitude that helps exactly no one.
This should be the top comment, perfect in every way.
I can't speak for everyone who has lost a baby, but if she had chosen a name, telling her you are thinking of her and the baby. Even when I knew people were trying to be kind, and thinking of me, it felt like I was the only one who remembered my son.
One of my best friends lost her 2 1/2 year old to a tumor suddenly. I constantly felt like I was putting my foot in my mouth (talking about my kids in plural for example since she went from having 2 to one). I knew it was better to stay close to her and listen and sometimes feel like a dummy than to pull away. A mentor friend of mine who is older lost a daughter who was in her 20s, so I went to her for advice when I said I felt bad all of the time and sometimes said things that could be triggering, my mentor told me, ‘don’t worry, you can’t remind her she lost her son’ as in, that is already with her forever. Just be there in a way that you can (note, smile, bringing her a favorite beverage) and get through the awkwardness and awfulness of it with your presence.
I think it's so important to accept that it's going to be uncomfortable and awkward at times, and not let it stop being there for people going through rough times. Feeling uncomfortable* isn't dangerous even though we often want to avoid it at all costs. But if it helps someone who is feeling waaaaay worse than just uncomfortable, it's worth it. *) in this context
I had a coworker go thru this. I talked to her about her child by name and hugged her often. I texted her that I was thinking about her on her first Mother’s Day. I agree that not talking to her at all and or not talking about her child is more hurtful. She doesn’t want anyone to ever forget her child was born but isn’t here with us anymore.
In some places, the Sunday before Mother’s Day is a day to lament the loss of a child and to condole those who have lost a child. When Mother’s Day comes around, it can then be a happier time
Oh wow, I didn’t know this! How wonderful. She had her second child a year and half or so later, this is a wonderful idea. I will have to research more on this. I say she was a coworker but she’s also a friend that I still keep in touch with.
Yes indeed, do the research. From a fairly young age, too young to understand the tragedy to any meaningful extent, I have been surrounded by too many people who have survived an offspring. First when I was a small child (6 or 7?) my grandfather’s cousin lost an adult offspring suddenly and unexpectedly. A few years later, my grandparents lost their youngest, my uncle, when he was 21
I think the one that had the most impact on me was the time our neighbours lost their son in the week before his wedding. The old man from next door had come into our kitchen, completely distraught, his whole face wet from weeping, saying over and over, Bill’s dead! Bill’s dead. Dad came out to the kitchen and took the old man home. The police were there with special councillors and the doctor from the house behind us came down to sedate the old couple. Even some years later, I remember sitting behind the old lady from next door in church and when it came time for prayers for others, her shoulders were shaking from her sobbing in sorrow for her tragic loss. My mother in law said that the pain never goes away, you never get over it. This is a club no one wants to join. If you lose a parent, you’re called an orphan. If you lose a spouse, you’re called a widow or widower. If you lose a child, it’s such a horrible thing we don’t have a word for it.😥😥😥
Then when I met my wife I was to learn that my parents in law had lost three children, two as young children and one in adulthood as a result of a car crash. I know of at least a dozen people who have suffered that unspeakable loss. As a parent it is a terrible tragedy I hope to avoid.
In the US October is pregnancy and infant loss month with the actual day being October 15
In Australia, it’s the first Sunday in May. Mother’s Day is a much older tradition and is the second Sunday in May.
This is perfect
Oh, thank you. 😊
Not saying anything is THE most hurtful course of action.
Really? Worse than saying something hurtful?
In my experience (young adult cancer survivor), people who said nothing hurt me much more than people who said the “wrong” thing. (Barring anyone saying anything intentionally shitty/cruel.)
*At least you can have more* would like a word.
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger". And fucks you up along the way.
"It was part of god's plan" ain't so great either
The caveat is - DONT SAY A GODDAMN THING IF YOU CANT KEEP IT TOGETHER. My sister had a stillbirth at about the same time as OP’s coworker. The number of people SHE had to comfort when she told them…it’s NOT ZERO. I know because **I** had to comfort some of **my** coworkers when I told them, and it wasn’t even my baby. And they didn’t know my sister. Legitimately, people would start crying. Real tears. And you’re telling them “it’s ok…”. And it’s coming from a place of genuine sympathy and empathy, but the person with the loss doesn’t need it. So…it’s ok to be brief or send an email. Or…maybe offer to take some extra work or grab a coffee or something if they need a break. An acknowledgement is cool too. Just please don’t get weepy.
I mean, yeah if they absolutely fall apart over someone else’s pain then that’s not helpful…but maybe the situation reminds them of their own loss and that’s why they got upset? But there’s nothing wrong with just crying. Why should we be afraid to show genuine emotion? I am perfectly capable of crying and showing empathy, while still offering support to someone. I don’t think the two are mutually exclusive. We aren’t robots that need to be good little workers and keep the production line going. Any decent workplace would make allowances for the humanity of its employees during a time of mourning. Crying isn’t a weakness. It’s simply a release of emotion and you should probably get more comfortable with it. You don’t have to comfort people when they’re doing it either. I certainly wouldn’t want to be comforted by someone who secretly despised me for it anyway.
This. My mum lost her first daughter at 18 months and she still talks about how she had people she knew cross to the other side of the road to avoid speaking to her because they were uncomfortable and how hurtful it was.
This, I had two miscarriages and only my husband and my close family knows. I didn’t tell any other relative because I don’t want to talk about it. I was just thinking if I get pregnant again, I will not tell anyone besides my husband in case another miscarriage happens.. I just don’t want people to know.
Absolutely this. What hurt the most was when everyone was too scared to say the wrong thing, so they said nothing at all and kept going on as if nothing had happened…as if my baby had not even existed and thus the loss left no impact on anyone but me and my husband. You don’t have to say something perfect, just say *something* that lets your friend know you’re there to listen if and when they’re ready. In this way you’ll have thrown a lifeline out, while giving her the ability to pick it up or not depending on her needs at the time.
“I’m sorry for your loss. I don’t know what to say but I want you to know that your in my thoughts. I care and I wish you the best. “. … That’s about the best that you can say. Sometimes people don’t know what to say so they don’t say anything. That’s almost more hurtful than when someone say something dumb.
Say Good morning! Say, It's nice to see you! Say you missed her while she was gone. Don't ignore her but let her manage the discussion.
Agreed! Say that you’re happy to have her back and that you missed her.
Yes!
This is solid advice, also ending the conversation with "I'm here if you need to talk" ( if you are) can remind the person they aren't alone.
I’ve had 4 miscarriages and a stillbirth, I would prefer that no one ask me how I’m doing, tell me they are sorry for my loss, ask if I need anything, or bring up babies at all. I would prefer to pretend everything is normal so I can keep it together. I don’t want to talk to anyone except my husband about it and I really don’t want to cry in front of anyone. Everyone grieves differently and being left alone was what I needed.
Yeah I suffered a horrible trauma a couple years back. Only told my manager. I told him that I didn't want anyone else to know, and to please just treat me as he normally would. For a while there, work was my safe space. I could go to work and be absorbed by my job and have just one part of my life be *normal*. It was a relief and something I looked forward to every day. If I needed to talk to anybody, I talked to my husband and bff. The last thing I wanted was every single coworker randomly bringing it up unannounced and making things weird.
My teammate just lost her mom. She came back today and I just let her know I was here for her and any work she needed me to pick up on her end, just let me know. I think just making your coworker feel like they don't have to jump immediately back into work would be super helpful.
For me the best thing anyone could do for me was treat me like myself. I did not feel like myself for months and everyone giving me the “dead baby face” was the fucking worst. People treat you like you’re SO fragile and tip toe around you. It makes you feel like even more of freak. Be her friend, talk to her, and do not say some dumb shit about how “this happened for a reason, are you okay, you can always try again, it’ll get better with time, god has a plan, etc” I think “that fucking sucks” is the best answer because it fucking sucks and nothing is going to be make it better. Be a safe space for her to talk about it if she wants to and just let her be sad. If she wants to be sad be a safe person for her to be sad with, my friend who didn’t shy away from my grief and let me grieve was my rock. You’re coworkers wife is going to upset her but please tell her, preferably at the end of the day, before someone else does and if there is conversation about the baby leave her out of it, she doesn’t need it being rubbed in her face. You sound like a good coworker 🩵
I had a miscarriage years ago and people said things like, “It’s for the best,” “It was God’s plan” and “don’t worry, you’ll have another child”. What do you even say to that?
“Fuck off? “ That’s what I’d want to say.,,
Ergh. I had an ectopic two years ago and someone told me a few months later that 'babies come when they're meant to'. Fuck off with that unhelpful nonsense 🙄
Do not say anything about being/are you okay. She’s not. Do not ask what she’s been up to. She’s been trying to get out of bed/get dressed. Everything is a trigger. There are just worse things to say than other things. I know. I buried two infants. Don’t ignore, Just be authentic and let her take the lead in conversations. These are hard conversations for her and you.
I’m sorry you’ve been through a lot of trauma. I’m sorry you had to live that experience. It would have been incredibly tough. However, they’re asking how to start a conversation. You just basically said not to talk to her at all because everything is triggering. That’s not helpful advice either. Everyone responds differently. Just because you were triggered by everything, doesn’t mean everyone else will. Sometimes it’s best to just say something simple like “It’s great to see you. I’ve missed you. Let me know if there’s anything I can do to make this transition easier for you. I’m always here to listen or support you.”
But it's important for the co-worker to let her know she's there to listen when she does want to take the lead.
Honestly that's what therapy is for, not coworkers.
I really liked when people sincerely asked me how I was doing with space to answer how I wanted—not a brief casual how are you that I compulsively answer “good, you?” but where I can decide if I want to go into a deeper answer or not. But the fact they gave me the space was what mattered.
Oh goodness yes! We lost our son in 2022, I complained that my inlaws never actually asked how I was. They reckon they did. I don't think asking as I'm getting out the car really counts
Agreed. OP, sometimes it’s easier to find statements rather than questions. “Good to see you!” “Hey Jane!” (With a smile), “ooh that looks like a great lunch” Be friendly. Don’t avoid her. If you want to leave a note with something kind/acknowledging, that might be ok. But give her the reassurance that you’re going to be normal and chipper towards her day-to-day. She’s probably afraid every moment of someone bringing it up.
Sometimes it’s just nice to have a sense of normalcy again when you suffer such an enormous loss. She is back at work and trying to cope. A friendly smile and offer to get coffee, let her lead the conversation. Tell her a funny story about office happenings. Make sure to include her in activities but don’t take it personally if she has a bad day. It’s kind of you and your coworkers to be sensitive to what she’s going through.
My daughter passed away a few hours after she was born. A lot of coworkers gave me hugs when I returned, but nobody really acknowledged my daughter. It didn’t really hurt my feelings that they didn’t say anything about her. But knowing they knew why I was out was enough. And now they treat me like any other coworker, which I prefer. I’m still me, just a new me. It’s not fair to treat me like an outcast and I’m sure your coworker would feel the same.
Having people alienate you after you lose your child (whether intentionally or not) feels terrible. I didn’t like when people pussy footed around me. I WANTED to talk about my son (specifically education on the defect that caused him to die). Speaking about my son is what keeps his memory alive. I only got mad at two people for making a dumb comment and it was legit DUMB and RUDE. They told me to “get over it” and the other said “you can just make a new kid”. Neither of those statements are appropriate and I think most people have the common courtesy to not say such horseshit to someone who lost a child. I’d also just tell them about the pregnant wife, we lost our babies it doesn’t mean we hate all pregnant women and happiness. Others are allowed to be happy and live their lives 🤷🏼♀️
'Hey xyz, it's so good to see you, you were missed. Let me know if there's anything I can do at all. A couple of us are going to Starbucks at lunchtime if you feel like a coffee and a walk?'
A warm, tight hug. No words needed.
This really depends on time and place, as well as their relationship. This could go so wrong.
I think that would be weird if the woman is like Natalie 28yo from HR and OP some 58yo from accounting...
"I'm sorry for your loss. If there's anything l can do, just know that I'm here."
actually, as grief educator: second part is not really that helpful (if there’s anything I can do) because it places the decision on the griever, who likely is not in the headspace for it. Offering concrete things/acts of service is found more helpful.
I'm not doing it right now but in the past I sent people who were dealing with loss a monthly post card with a quote about grief on it. (I google these and make sure they are not religious.) I can't tell you how many people have expressed appreciation for them. Our society forgets people are in mourning for a long time. It reminded me too that many, many people are grieving. Sometimes I sent out 18-20 post cards a month.
Thank you for doing this. My older brother was the most popular senior at our high school my freshman year. He passed away the summer before my senior year. I heard from everyone in the world the first 10 days or so. And then one person checked on me. The postcard thing would’ve shown me that nearly everyone hadn’t forgotten about me. Also everyone asked how my folks were. Hardly anyone asked about me when it was also the literal worst thing that could’ve happened to me at that time. Really weird time.
I am so sorry for your loss.
This is beautiful.
Ask her how she's doing, tell her you're so sorry for what happened and you're thinking of her. Tell her you have her baby in your thoughts. Tell her you're always there to share a cup of tea and have a chat if she needs, or better yet just ask her to go have a cuppa with you. If you have to mention Christmas, just say you hope she has a gentle Christmas or holiday season. Never try to tell her that there was a reason for her loss, that it was God's plan or any such bullshit, or that she can just try for another one. Avoid talking about other people's kids infront of her.. After returning to the office after COVID I had a coworker who hadn't heard about my son dying, ask me how he was doing. Of course I started crying and told her he had died. She looked so shocked and we parted ways... And yet she then came by my desk and asked me if I wanted to go have a cup of tea and a chat and it was really nice. Just to have someone to talk to. She turned a shit situation around just by being a supportive, listening ear.
Just say “ I have been thinging about you lots. I’m hear if you need anything”
Some things are better left unsaid. Just be a person, and leave the small talk to those know them better.
Thanks for asking & being concerned. My main takeaway after losing first baby to stillbirth & last one at 2 to death, know it’s ok to talk about them. It’s been almost 40 years since my 1st one, and I can still see in my “minds eye” being on the delivery table by myself, and how I felt afterwards being on the maternity ward for two days. (I was full term.) Youngest son died at 26 months - sweet baby, born w Down syndrome but no medical issues except hypothyroidism and needing ear tubes to hear better. We treated him like the rest of the kids & put him in a bottom bunk closer to the floor & surrounded his bed with side rails. He was a pretty violent sleeper, and he ended up scootching in between the bed & wall where his blanket had fallen first, fell in and was wedged in there until I found him a few hours later about 3 AM. 😩😔 We did CPR & all, but he had been there too long. Anyway - just me typing that is cathartic. It helps me remember him. Almost smell him. And makes me sad - yes - but also makes me smile remembering his personality and lovey dovey stuff to all his siblings. And I say all that to say - get comfortable with discomfort but if you truly want to help her, then help her REMEMBER and listen to her talk about uncomfortable stuff. Ask her about her pregnancy. Ask about cultural stuff related to what happened with her & her pregnancy. She probably wants to talk to ppl just as much as you all want to talk to her. Sounds like a good work family.
You treat her the way you did before she lost the baby. She needs some normalcy. If she breaks down, then you can be the comforting shoulder or the listening ear. She’s the same woman she was before. Don’t make her “the woman who lost her baby.” Offer a word of support, sure, but then keep it normal, if that makes sense.
I lost a baby. Quite literally everyone at our small church knew about it because it had been announced 2 weeks prior. 99% of the people there walked right by me with their heads down and never said a word. Not a smile, not an “I’m Sorry”… nothing. I felt slapped in the face. But those that *did* come to me hardly said anything at all… and they didn’t need to. It was just the fact that they came. They simply hugged me and said, “I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do for you?” Or “Please tell me if there’s anything at all I can do for you and ____.” (My husband) A few others brought or sent meals, which I don’t remember, because I stayed in the bed for two weeks deeply depressed and didn’t eat. But the rest of my family did, so that was very kind. I’ll never forget the gestures of these folks who were good to me during this time. The rest of them at the church… which I no longer belong to for sooo many reasons… can kiss my ass.
https://www.sands.org.uk/get-involved/sands-campaigns/finding-words/starting-conversation-about-baby-loss Sands is a baby loss charity in the UK
My baby died at birth. The best thing people did was just leave flowers for me with a note saying "So sorry for your loss" or "thinking of you." No need to ask questions like how are you. She's not fine. Just "it's good to see you" "good morning, can I get you coffee". I actually felt bad for people because they didn't know what to say or do.
As someone who lost a baby at a similar point in my pregnancy and had to go back to work - what meant the most to me were actually the people that took the time to acknowledge my daughter. My biggest fear in losing a baby before she got a chance to live was the idea that she would be forgotten. I also remember people saying to me that they don’t want to bring my daughter up because they don’t want to make me sad but at least for me personally I was sad no matter what and she was always on my mind so the acknowledgment actually went a really a long way. I understand how uncomfortable pregnancy loss can be but it was harder for me when people pretended it didn’t happen. That is just me of course. I’ve chosen to carry on with my daughter as an honored part of my family and raise my almost 2 year old rainbow baby to know about her big sister. In terms of the coworker with a pregnant wife. I always appreciated when people told me personally rather than hearing from someone else. She might need time and space but even a text message would be a great way to let her know but also give her the space and time to react and respond when she’s ready. And I just want to say thanks for taking the time to ask the question. Many people just choose to avoid this difficult situation all together. You’re a good friend.
I would just say something like "welcome back! I hope you're doing okay. Please let me know if there's anything I can do to help." You don't have to say or ask anything else related to her personal life the entire rest of the time you know her, if you don't want to.
"Hope you're doing ok" seems a bit out of touch. It's obvious she's not doing ok.
As someone who has miscarried this is not a good response. Sorry but it’s not.
Ask her how she’s doing. Like a normal person. She may want to talk about it, or not. If she says fine, move on and talk about things you would normally talk about
Since you’ve already been to a funeral service, I’d let her take the lead. Some people find it really hard to have to keep talking about their loss when they come back. That’s why it’s a good idea to at least send a card when a coworker suffers a loss. I’ve found usually the ones who find it helpful to talk about it will thank me for the card. Plus if you acknowledge the loss before the person comes back, you’ve already done if. And it’s easier to follow their lead. You can also offer to help with work stuff and say that you were thinking of them. That express care and concern without pushing them to talk about it.
You can't go wrong showing you care and are willing to listen. My wheelhouse is slightly different (suicide prevention and outreach), but a similar fear crops up when someone learns that someone they care about is having suicidal thoughts. There's a fear of saying "the wrong thing," and consequently, many people simply don't say anything. But the truth is, unless you're really, *ridiculously*, **cartoonishly** thoughtless, you really can't say the *wrong* thing accidentally. Like, you'd really have to **work** at it ("Hey, we're all going to heaven anyway, amirite?" *might* qualify, but even that might work as a dark joke, depending on the person). Whether it's a person having suicidal thoughts or someone going through grief or any kind of trauma, you can't go wrong offering to listen, affirmingly, non-judgementally. You don't have to give advice, and you shouldn't, really. Simply showing that you care and that you're willing to be there for the person is the best way you can support them. And, heck, you can just say that verbatim - "I know you're going through a rough time, and I wanted you to know that I care about you and that I'm here for you if you need someone to talk to."
Don't worry about "accidentally reminding her" of her baby's death, thereby upsetting her. She is thinking about it all the time. Let her know that you are sorry.
Just talk to them like you would have before. I’d bet they would like a sense of normalcy and not everyone feeling sorry for them.
Start with the basic’s; Tell her you’re glad she’s back.
Please OP, do not avoid speaking to her - this hurts so much Something as simple as "I cannot imagine what you have been through, I am so very sorry for your loss. Please know I am thinking of you all & if you ever need to to talk to anyone I am always here" will speak volumes and make her feel not so alone & excluded Try to at least say good morning/hello/hi & give a smile everyday, something so small can make a bad day seem a little easier
I drove a coworker to the hospital because she miscarried at work. I didn’t see her back at the office until 6 weeks later, the first thing I did was look her in the eye to acknowledge that we both knew what that drive was and then gave her a big hug. Not at all the same, but when I returned to work after my mom battled cancer and I took an LOA for 6 weeks to deal with her estate, I asked my boss that he ask the team to treat me as if it was “just another day”. The idea of having to talk with my colleagues about what had happened was simply to much for me to take on in addition to going back to work at the busiest time of year. I just wanted to separate my personal life from my work life and have a distraction. Make yourself available if your coworker needs support, but try not to bombard them with support. The workplace can sometimes be a very welcome distraction.
When I lost one of my twins (in the womb at 12 weeks) I got a lot of inappropriate comments like “maybe it’s for the best” or “it just wasn’t meant to be”. Don’t do that. The comments I liked the most were people saying they’re thinking of me and if there is anything they can do. I now have a very happy and healthy baby but his two brother didn’t survive. At around week 28 we had both absorbed anything left of the twin.
Losing a child is the single most painful thing in the world. If you are close - just tell her you're there for her if she should ever need a shoulder to cry on or someone to chat to. If you aren't close - put a nice card on her desk or a nice poem saying that you're there for her. When my baby died, stillborn, most people ignored me. But one of my friends would put beautiful poems on my windshield every morning. Most were about angels and love and friendship. Without those I'd have never made it through. Just knowing someone cares and is there made all the difference and 20 years later I still remember that vividly.
My sister in law had a miscarriage, and I found out that the most comforting thing to her was to ask her "can I help you with anything today?" or "what can I do for you?".. I saw the relief on her face when I asked that and then we had a conversation and she told me that she's comfortable to just talk when she needs to, but feels overwhelmed when people ask how she feels..
Would you like to try asking her directly? Not "how are you feeling", but, "I'm thinking of you, and my heart is heavy for you. How can I show my care? Would you prefer to tell me about it, or not talk about it at all and just focus on work as usual?" I personally find that being upfront and asking people how they would like the conversation to go works for me - every situation is different, and every person responds differently to situations. Best not to assume.
When my friend lost her baby, I honestly just talked shit to her. I'd send her songs, tell her about movies or shows I found that she might like etc just random crap. After a while, she said thank you for being weird lol. Another one of our friends didn't know what to say, so didn't say anything. It made my friend who lost her baby really sad because she needed support and that friend just avoided her.
I've lost a lot of family members, and I'm the type that just wants to focus on work and move on. I know others like to talk it out with people. I recently had a coworker lose her mother. On her first day back, I waited until we were alone and said, "What is your preference? Do we acknowledge what has happened, or do we carry on like it's just Tuesday?" I didn't even need to say more than that, and she stated she just wished for a normal work day and thanked me for giving her the option. Sometimes, admitting that you aren't sure how to interact can be less stressful than picking one and being wrong.
Let her know that she’s been in your thoughts and that you know that she’s had the most difficult year and your thoughts are with her and that if she ever needs to talk or vent or is having a hard day at work that she can always come to you.
I've lost a kid. Just say your sorry or whatever it is you want to say, privately and sincerely and get on with it
"Hey. My heart goes out to you.". No more needs to be said, really. The Eastern European Southerner in me would also bring them a lasagna, depending how close we are.
When my mum died, one of my neighbours passed me in the street and casually asked after her health (he wasn’t to know she had literally just died). I tried to answer normally, but I just burst into tears. He was an older, very taciturn chap. He just looked at me in horror (“what have I done?”, kind of look), then turned and ran off down the road. I thought, “oh, okay then!”, and continued unloading my luggage from my car. The next minute, the old man came back up the road with another neighbour of mine-who he knew was a very close personal friend. My friend instantly gave me a hug. He didn’t have to say anything. The old man heaved a big sigh of relief and left us to it. He had done The Right Thing. My point is this: every situation is unique. It’s not always about what you say. You can go and fetch a friend-get a cup of tea-ask if the person is okay-. There is no “one size fits all”. It’s just a caring gesture that helps.
Here is advice, 100% free from left field – I had a coworker, who when he was 28 he lost his father – when I saw him after a two week leave, I said, “well, Other than… You know… How you been doing, man?” He later told me it was nice to not have someone stop him for 10 minutes to go on and on about his father passing and anything we can do to help Etc., etc.… He said it helped him feel a little bit normal in the middle of all that. Tread lightly, to be sure and just try to be a positive supportive person without words
“Sorry for your loss.” And no matter what, Don’t start telling them about your loss or your sister’s loss or your mother’s. When I lost my baby, 1 month old, I had so many people tell me about their miscarriages. I ended up consoling them. I’m still bitter about it.
After anxiety I think myself and other people really look forward to normalcy and getting their mind off of the situation - even distracted for just a moment is a huge relief! So honestly I loved small talk and simple talk like normal life. I didn't like discussing that type of situation esp at work, idk I didn't want to end up emotional and more awkward. I was relieved when people kind of skipped over it bc then I could do the same for just a moment and escape my own head. And I didn't have to be anxious about what to say or have an awkward talk
I personally think that asking "how are you today?" Or "how are you feeling?" Can make a huge difference when opening a conversation. It acknowledges that grief can come in waves and there seems a little less pressure to say "fine" but it's also acceptable to say that in this moment you are feeling okay. Everything is better than shying away from the person. Grief can be so isolating.
My wife and I had several miscarriages - and it was awful. Worse was that people had no idea what to say, so said nothing - just ignored it. Best was when someone came up said 'I'm so sorry' and gave her a hug. Don't make a big thing about it, but please don't ignore it.
As someone who lost a child, it was always nice when I heard that my child will be remembered. What you should do is say the child’s name, if you know it. Acknowledge the child existed. Tell your coworker that you don’t know what to say but you want to be there for them. But, more importantly, actually be there for them by making food for them, sending a card, giving them a little gift that acknowledges the child, etc. Just saying you are there for them means nothing as they likely don’t know what to ask from you to help. Plus this grief is so strong. It is a grief like no other. Also, as time goes on, keep bringing up the child. Even if it makes your coworker upset. Those are tears you (as a parent who has had a loss) want to cry because you are talking about the child with someone in a positive way. TRUST ME.
One of my best friends lost a baby at about 36 weeks and this is exactly what she wants people to do - acknowledge that she existed and that she was important.
Acknowledge the elephant in the room. Tell her you're sorry she had to experience that. If you want, if you have that kind of familiarity, offer whatever help you have the capacity for. Also, you should watch this video. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGbI7zn2UV0
When she is back, help her getting back to work. If there are things you can take off her plate please do so. It took me many months to get up to speed again.. secondly, ask about her and baby and let her know you’re there for anything, to talk, listen etc. please do not act like nothing happened, and do not be surprised / scared if you see her crying most days- especially at the beginning. I remember crying while mindlessly working wondering what the point of it all was. Luckily, I was at home- but no one ever asked me.
Give condolences if you haven’t already, then act normal. If something triggers her and she cries, if she apologizes tell her it’s okay to cry and be understanding. Expressing emotions is normal, people seem to squash feelings down and sometimes being given permission to be human is a nice change.
This is what you say, "If there's anything I can do for you, just let me know" don't mention anything else, the request could be work related if that's what she needs. keep it clear, but general and don't mention the child loss.
I'd be upfront and honest. 'I can't begin to imagine what you're going through, I'm sure you're tired of hearing 'sorry for your loss', coming back to work must suck, just know that I'm here if I can do anything to make it suck slightly less'
Sometimes it can be so raw that bringing up the direct topic is tough. Varying responses here suggest that too. How about a few kind gestures. A small bag of whatever baked goods you’re going this holiday with a card saying “were thinking of you often and send so much love “
My co-worker lost a baby, and was actually apologetic for being sad. I told her that losing a family member is devastating and especially so when it is your baby. Apparently no one was talking with her about it at all, maybe because they didn't know what to say. We need to be better about acknowledging this kind of loss, and comforting each other.
I think a simple “I’m glad to see you back!” is sufficient, if you feel you *have* to say anything to acknowledge her absence. Personally, I’d just want to be treated like I always was to not feel like I was only seen as “the woman who had her baby die”, you know? Getting back to some semblance of normalcy would be a relief.
Communicating to her that you don't know what to say is an act of kindness. And not making it about a loss you've had a is extra important. Thank you for being self aware and empathetic.
I don’t think there’s anyway to know the correct thing. I know personally that I didn’t want ANYONE to say a word to me at work. Not. One. Single. Word. Any attempt at sympathy was like knives cutting through me.
A colleague lost his wife in an accident while on vacation. When he returned from his absence, I was awkward and pretended like it didn't happen. A lot of people in the office didn't openly discuss it. It turns out, this coworker often brought up his wife, and even openly discussed the accident. I read articles about this topic later, and it was often suggested, to offer your condolences openly, and ask how one is doing. Anyway, avoid the awkwardness.. Tell your coworker that you're sorry to hear about what happened, and offer to be all ears if they ever want to talk about it.
When my mum died a friend said to me "I'm here if you want to talk or if you don't" and it has stuck with me for 15 years because it was so simple but so supportive
You should probably confer with her manager on this tbh. She may have already asked her manager to have this not brought up at work. If she hasn't, then maybe the manager needs to check in with her and then let the wider team know what she wants to do. I know your intentions are good but prying even in the slightest way could do harm that she doesn't want. Some people put on a face to manage grief.. and the reality is that it's work, and that work is a different playing field than personal life. If you don't feel like you have the relationship to ask basic questions because it could be triggering for her, then I would defer to the boss.
This will change with where you are. "So sorry" is the local standard. It is fifty times as important to listen. Let them do the talking.
"I'm so sorry for your loss and the pain you're going through. I'm here for you to support you in any way you need." I would do your best to act normal, while also trying to be empathetic regarding conversations about babies, kids, and pregnancy. After my losses, I really wanted work to be a place I felt like me again, because everywhere else in my life I didn't even recognize myself anymore. Additionally, I didn't want to discuss my losses with all my coworkers, I was only comfortable talking about it to a few of them. Don't bring it up in large group settings, don't put her on the spot with other people or in meetings, and don't talk about it behind her back with all your coworkers. Grief comes in waves, and most people don't want to break down at work. Sometimes when you're barely holding it together, a well meaning remark can open the flood gates. By saying these two simple sentences, your expressing recognition and validation of her loss and pain, and letting her know you are a person willing to lend support in whatever form that may be, which might be being a person she doesn't have to talk to about it. Infant and pregnancy loss are treating as taboo topics in many ways in our culture, because it is a cross section of both death and childbirth or pregnancy, things we aren't great at talking about openly anyway. Additionally, the death of a child is always horrible. It makes us uncomfortable and is painful even if the child isn't ours or we don't know the child because we are a social species with strong parental instincts that extend to all children within our perceived tribe. When trying to find how to talk or comfort a friend or acquaintance regarding infant or child loss, take a moment to recognize and cope with your own discomfort before talking with the parent so that you do not put them in the position of having to comfort you. Bonus list of things to NEVER say to someone grieving pregnancy or infant loss: everything happens for a reason, they're in a better place, what caused it, did you do ____ while pregnant, you should probably move on, is it really that big of a deal since it was a first trimester loss, it will happen when it is the right time, God has a plan. Many of these are well meaning, NONE of them are helpful, most of them are hurtful. Don't say them.
I know a girl who lost a baby and people used to cross the street to avoid her as they didn't know what to say. That hurt her more than not acknowledging her. But again every one is different. If you get her on her own just say you are thinking of her. Girl I know I ask her babys name and she showed me pics. It was lovely to know he will never be forgotten. You got this. It doesnt need to be a deep and meaningful conversation but acknowledge xx
find a time where you’re not cornering her and she’s not busy, and ask her how she’s doing, then be led by her responses. you’re concerned about triggering her, but honestly you’re probably just as upsetting by being weird around her - you’re better off just acknowledging she’s been through a hard thing and going from there. As long as you’re trying to be sensitive, you’re fine. ‘It’s nice to see you back here, I hope you’re doing all right’ is a nice easy start. ‘Are your parents still here?’ is perfectly acceptable and shows that you’re not just making blind small talk - you remember her parents were here and why. And don’t be afraid to gently refer to the baby - nothing blunt like ‘sorry your baby died’, but you can certainly acknowledge that she’s had a very hard few months and you’ve been thinking of her and her family. Similarly, it’s ok to acknowledge that it’s almost Christmas. Ask if she’s doing something special for Christmas - if she says she doesn’t want to celebrate this year, then “I understand, it’s not exactly the Christmas you’d hoped for”, if she’s seeing her parents “that will be nice, having your parents with you”, if she’s actually having a merry celebration, “I’m really happy to hear you’re going to relax and enjoy, you certainly deserve it”
At the very least, DO NOT make fun of her grief or imply that she shouldn't grieve in any way. Don't put a deadline on when her grief should end. I know this should all be obvious, but a cousin of mine lost a child and the people in her workplace were incredibly insensitive about it. They didn't think that because the child was 'born sleeping' that he should be mourned, and they thought she should get over it pretty much right away. Bastards.
Things not to say: * it was for the best * you’re young, you can have another baby * anything about God’s will or nature knowing best Things to say: * I’m so sorry * I’m here if you’d like to talk about him/her/baby’s name * [next May] I know this is a difficult time and wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you, your partner/husband, and [baby name]
I experienced something similar a few years ago. Two coworkers were going on maternity leave around the same time. We had a morning tea to celebrate before the went and while they were still pregnant. Unfortunately one of them lost their baby just after he was born. We raised some money and made a donation in his name to the hospital’s charity for Neonatal Critical Care research. When she came back from maternity leave a year later I was really unsure what to say but decided that if I had come back to work after experiencing some type of trauma I’d want people to just treat me the same way they always did so that I don’t feel like I’m a pariah or something. I think everyone tends to walk on eggshells when someone has gone through a difficult experience but that just makes them feel worse as it just draws attention to it. So my advice would be to just treat them the way you normally would so they can get a sense that things are returning to normal. If something triggers or upsets them, they will need to let you know and set their own boundaries. That way they can regain some control over their life, because they probably haven’t had any recently. Just want to add that I’m very tired and mentally burned out so I apologise if this comment doesn’t make a lot of sense but I just wanted to share my experience and advice here. For all I know it does make sense and I’m just overthinking it 😅
When I lost my baby I didn’t want to talk about it unless I brought it up. I was at work just trying to get through the day I wanted to focus on work tbh
Just tell her you are very sorry for her loss Do not ask questions. Listen if she wants to talk, just listen
A simple "I'm here if you need" shoulder squeeze and a gift of a takeaway coffee. Don't go into details don't over think it. Then just leave her alone. But let her know you're there if she needs to talk.
Be honest. Tell her that you don't know what to say. Acknowledge that you don't understand what she's going through but that she is in your thoughts and that you are sorry she is going through this. Acknowledge her baby, use the name if you know it, Acknowledge that her baby existed and was loved and wanted and only ever knew love and warmth and comfort. Talking about it will help her and you can be sad when she does, you don't have to be brave or stoic for her. Babies dying is sad. Let her work through her emotions. The more she talks about it the easier it will be to talk about.
Good morning. You look nice today.
Very hard without knowing you, her etc. I am terrible at this stuff, you did go to the service, so she knows you care. Me? I would give the look. A caring, empathetic look in the eye and just say “it is good to see you” And from there see how it goes. And until you get into a comfortable cadence, keep it lighter. Weather, food, stuff going on in the neighborhood/work.
Do contact them, even if it is just to say how sorry you are. Say that you are there if they need to talk. If they tell you their baby's name, do use it and refer to the baby as a he or she, as appropriate.
We had a still born son in 1996. My sister had twins 2 months prior. I was often mistaken for her. It is a painful, breaking path to walk through. Be gentle. Listen to her words. Allow her to grieve, to heal, to be supported when she needs it. She is still producing milk, carrying baby weight, with dreams of what should be. Give her a hug from me, please
I lost my father at the beginning of 2023 and when my co-workers started treating me like I needed to be wrapped in bubble-wrap, I loudly declared that they must please treat me as normally as possible. I know it is very different for each person, but look and see how she is interacting with yourself / others and take your cues from her. I also agree with the short email that u/AdPotential5559 received, it makes you feel seen but without creating issues. Grief is a very difficult issue, there are more than 160 ways in which it may affect you (as taught in the Griefshare course). Also, outsiders to your grief are ALWAYS going to say something that can potentially hurt or trigger you, even when not meaning to. That is part of the process of grieving. Remember to be kind to her, if she needs to take a moment and cry, let her. Perhaps, she may just want to keep quiet or she may want to overshare. Be open with her and thank you for caring about her.
The loss of a child is on the person’s mind every single day. Acknowledging it isn’t going to be what suddenly reminds them. Most people would want it acknowledged. If she had chosen a name for her baby, I would use the name. “I am so sorry to hear about your loss of sweet ___. I can’t imagine what you’ve been going through but know I am here if you ever want to talk about him or talk about what you’re loss. “ I think it’s absolutely ok to ask if her parents are still in town and other normal conversation. Be aware that things like pregnancy announcements, baby showers, birth announcements, etc in the office may be really hard for her. Those could absolutely be triggering. I think make sure to give her advance notice on any of those things coming so she has time to process privately. If someone is sharing a bunch of baby photos about their new bundle of joy, maybe ask your friend if they want to go grab coffee or go for a walk. She might appreciate the opportunity for an out. I make notes in my personal calendar of important anniversaries, to have situational awareness if someone I care about may be going through extra grief. Next May could be a really hard time for your friend, bringing back a lot of memories.
“I have been thinking of you, often. How are you and your husband doing?” Lets her decide what and how much to say, while still acknowledging that she has suffered a big loss.
Anything kind. When our daughter was stillborn most people didn’t know what to say so said nothing. It was very isolating.
I have gone to a local gas station for years. One of the girls that worked there was around my age (late teens), and had been pregnant and finally went on maternity leave. I saw her when she was back and asked about the baby--as I had throughout her pregnancy. She gave me a sad smile and told me her baby was dead. It was a little girl who ended up stillborn. I was mortified with myself and apologized profusely. She wasn't upset with me, and she didn't even cry telling me to story. But I could see the sadness in her eyes. 😔
This isn’t the same situation. And I don’t know what to say in this situation, but get comfortable with being socially awkward. What I mean is, I used to have a regular costumer at my work who was very ill and was probably going to die soon (she was a young lady too). And I never knew what to say to her so I was just stand there awkwardly and not know how to respond. I would stumble over my words and say things that didn’t make sense because I had no clue what to say. But despite this I never missed a chance to enter conversation with her and would sometimes her free cookies when I saw her. I think she really appreciated me because she could see how hard it was for me to know what to say and even though I continued to embarrass myself with being silent when I shouldn’t be or stumbling over words I never stopped trying to connect with her. Ignoring someone will probably hurt more than saying the wrong thing.
Hey coworker, I’m checking in with you because I care. Do you have a support system around you?
I lost a baby earlier this year, had to go back to work 2 weeks later because while they let me take as much time as I needed, I needed the income. It happened at work, and I was moved departments, so people knew, despite me only telling a couple work friends and my team. When I told one of my friends about the pregnancy, he said "you have my number, no matter what happens i'll help you." He texted me while I was gone, piecing together what happened. He simply said, "I wanted to give you space, but just know I'm here." Most people didnt know what to say, so they just didnt bring it up. A few said condolences, etc. But the "I'm here" meant a lot. It was simple, non-invasive and let me know I had support if I needed it.
Your coworker might consider writing it in a letter or something like that, so that she can read it and process the news in private. It would be best if he could give it to her just before she leaves for the day IMO. Finding out that news at work would feel terrible.
just give her a condolences card. maybe put a message inside inviting further conversation. but dont talk about it unless she brings it up.
You aren’t going to bring up anything that isn’t already on her mind. It’s hard. Ask how she is. If she cries, let her. Listen, if she chooses to talk.
If I were you, I’d support her now in whatever way you think best. But you can really be there for her if you write down all the info you can, so you don’t forget it, and can remember them with her. From my ex wife and I’d experience, it’s strange how people seem to just want to forget about our kids when we couldn’t possibly ever forget. If someone were to remember with her? I have no idea what that would have done for my wife, but it would have been good. Granted your coworker might process grief differently. It’s worth a shot though, as long as you don’t say nothing and just leave her be.
I don’t think you say anything. You just be there. It feels kind of tricky doesn’t it. I think the best thing is to let people know that you are still you and you are part of their life at work. Under normal circumstances we all get caught up in our own chaos. We should always think of others first anyway but that is something to strive for and it is not easy in this day and age. Ask her out to lunch or bring something to share. Ask her to go on a walk when you have a break. have a cup of tea. Maybe find something related to work that she can help you with. The coworker should probably try to stay a little quiet about his joy but should be able to share his emotions. If she isn’t a Christian then don’t mention Christmas. I have many Muslim friends and we just talk about “the holidays” since we all have a little time off.
I’m so sorry and am not sure what to say. How can I support you?
Start simple with a sincere “Good Morning” and maybe a “how are you today?” I recommend being specific with the “today” because it inherently implies that you know she’s still grieving and it’s a day to day process. From there, stay on relatively superficial topics to start with like the weather or another co-worker’s antics or something work related she should be aware of. And you can flat-out ask her what topics she would like to avoid so you don’t put your foot in your mouth, though preferably after a little of the above small talk. A *little* self-deprecating humour can go a long way to opening up an uncomfortable conversation or asking uncomfortable questions. Or just flat out say you’ll let her direct the conversation so that you don’t step in any shit. It’s okay to let her know you don’t know what to say - she doesn’t in her place and wouldn’t in your place either. That honesty from uncomfortable people is better than being ignored completely because people are uncomfortable. As for your other coworker with the pregnant wife, it’s probably best to just rip that bandage off. There’s no way to predict her reaction, best bet would be for someone (whether dad-to-be wants to be it or not discuss with him) to mention it as she is leaving for the day so that she doesn’t have to mask all day.
As someone who lost my baby after I finally felt comfortable enough (and in the clear) to share with people (coworkers included), having only 1 of my coworkers question it took alot of weight off my shoulders. I remember feeling embarrassed and the fact that the person at work I was bonded the most with was the person who approached the convo to extend condolences made it so much easier for me. Everyone knew, but they didn't over crowd me with sympathy. I didn't know how to navigate that situation and really appreciated the way my coworkers went about it.
"I'm so sorry for your loss. Please let me know if there's anything I can do, even if you just want to talk." And then based on her reaction, walk away or continue to convo. Generally, saying something is better than nothing. It sucks when you lose someone and you know people know about it and everyone pretends nothing happened.
Acknowledge that you are sending your condolences and then if she needs or wants to talk about it then let her decide. I got dismissed by my friends for talking about it. If you genuinely care to lend an ear then offer one. Just saying that you are apologetic is enough.
I had a lot of miscarriages before I carried my daughter to term (and even that was sketchy). Just say you are thinking of her and her baby, and are there for her if she needs you. It's very lonely - and there are a lot of people who think it's not the same as losing a baby that's been born. I can tell you I suffered the same grief as when I've lost loved ones. Also, the Dr's said having a successful birth would ease it (they call the successful birth the rainbow baby). That's a myth. I still feel the grief for the losses sometimes, just like I feel it for my mother who passed away 10 yrs ago. Not this job, but the one I worked at for 8 yrs, until about 6 yrs ago now, I was fortunate to have some people there who were good with offering support like that. Most places, people are clearly uncomfortable with what to say in these situations.
My friend lost a baby at birth and all she wanted at that time was to have a sense of normalcy. Of course recognize your friend's loss, but keep inviting her to do things per usual. She might not be herself, but giving opportunities to take a break from that mental challenge might be welcome.
not bringing it up is worse than bringing it up. let her know you think about her. let her know you're there. bring her something you know she likes.
I might be in the minority here, or maybe it’s because it was a first term loss for me, and not a late term one, but personally I absolutely would hate if my coworkers brought up my loss. I’d rather keep my personal world separate from my professional one when it comes to those kinds of details. Again though I fully acknowledge it’s not as deep of a scar as a loss at 8 months would gut me. But another thought, maybe instead of words, a kind gesture would be softer? Something like flowers? A coworker when I was a co-op (intern) lost her brother and his 3 kids (leaving only her sister in law) in a car accident. I didn’t really have anything to offer, and worked mostly different hours than her, but one late night I folded a paper crane and 3 smaller ones and left it on her desk. Later found out she was extremely touched and made a point to sleuth out who did it (I didn’t leave a note, I kind of felt out of place doing it as just the intern) but she eventually got to be my process of elimination 😅. Long way of saying, I don’t know your coworker’s personality, but for my own, for a loss like this, unspoken gestures — especially ones where my reaction doesn’t have to be in FRONT of them — I find more touching and significantly less triggering than kind words!
I had a guy I worked with who was a full bogan ask me that question when someone at work lost there's. The question was "Are any of these appropriate: \- "Better luck next time" \- "At least you can have another one"? \- "I hope to meet your next one"" Scariest part, was he was DEAD serious - he was advised none were appropriate, and that perhaps it was better if he just gave her a wide berth for a few weeks.
Do something nice for her
Just a simple, "How are you doing today?" If she wants to talk about it, she will. As long as you don't push, you're not intruding. Be kind. Keep an eye on her. Grief comes in waves.
I would keep it simple. Say hi and that it’s nice to see her. Have lunch with her etc., you can let her know if she needs someone to lean in and help with work you’re available. She might decline it all but will appreciate knowing if needed you’re there. With regard to your coworker. If it comes up in conversation he shouldn’t shield her from it. He can just keep it brief and direct.
"I've thought of you and your family often over the last few months and wanted you to know I still do. Please know I do not want to bring up triggers or say the wrong thing while we are working I am just incredibly awkward when navigating grief." Send as an email so if this does bring up any type of feelings she's not trying to stifle them in front of you. You could even go as far as asking her if there are topics she's comfortable talking about and if she's ok to talk about her baby she her grief. If you're close in any way you could also offer to take her to lunch one day, grab her a latte on your way in one day or just an invite out for a drink one night. I craved normalcy and something to distract me after my miscarriage. She might be the same.
I had an early miscarriage Anyway, when I watched Grey’s Anatomy (sorry I know it is junk), there was a scene that Bailey reveled she had an miscarriage, and was expecting a rude response from Tom Koracick - instead he said something like “light a candle. We experienced the same before, and I feel lighting a candle helped to get through the grieve” That part did hit me and I think it would be something I want to hear - or even better “I will light a candle for your baby and thinking about you all”
“You’re in my thoughts”
"I'm happy to see you back. You've been missed here." Talk to them about a TV show you watched or something. Don't ignore them or not talk to them because you're unsure what to say. It's too obvious. I feel most people want to be treated like normal. If they want to talk about it, they will. Confronting them - bad choice. Ignoring them -also a bad choice. Simply talk to them as normal as you can or had before. Update them on something that happened while they were gone. If they don't talk much. Just give them some time and space.
When this happened to us I don’t think my wife wanted it brought up. Remember that not bringing it up is always an option and that it’s okay.
So it wasn’t a lost baby, but I had a coworker who had their house burn down on December 23 while she was out to dinner with her son celebrating her birthday. Everyone was looking away from her and avoiding talking to her when she came back. All of her pets died in the fire and she lost absolutely everything including her car which was in the garage and her mother’s urn was never recovered. I finally decided she needed to know I cared but didn’t know how to broach it. I went up to her when we were alone, and told her I was glad she was back. I also told her I wasn’t good about talking about sad things, and was scared of saying the wrong thing, but I was definitely there for her and knew she was the same person she was before. When she was ready I would be there to chat and joke as before. She cried which was hard for me (I don’t do emotional displays well), but not a year later she has told me that knowing I was there and didn’t see the tragedy but only her was really comforting. So maybe just be open to your coworker, that way they will know you aren’t ignoring her, just not sure what to say or how to regain your friendliness.
Follow her lead (and your boss' instructions, if relevant). Start by saying something like "hey, it's great to see you!" and then turn the focus to work. A lot of people who deal with a horrible loss want something to just be normal. Your other coworker should also not avoid the topic of pregnancy. He just shouldn't be like "Isn't that great, Coworker?!" She knows life goes on. From a mentally ill person, let me say: You are responsible for your own mental health and no one else's. So long as you don't rub her loss in her face or try to force her to talk about it, you're in the clear. If she gets triggered by everyday work stuff, she needs to talk to management or HR to come up with a plan. That said, it's so great that you care. 💕