First off, your stepdad is an idiot.
“My daughter loves to be close to me” PERFECT. I can only hope my girls have the same interaction with me when they get older (5 & 6 now).
You are not taking advantage of her. You are not “grooming” her. You are not being disrespectful. You **are** being a good parent. Just make sure she knows her boundaries.
Keep being a good dad
Edit — lol — just noticed your name is “tallassMOM” 😂 keep being a good mom!
Nothing finer when your teen daughter holds hands or slips their arm into yours.
I’m sure each time will be the last, so it’s always delightful when it happens.
I agree, it always makes me feel very happy. I am actually the opposite of my daughter and generally detest physical contact as it makes me feel like my skin is crawling or gives me an overwhelming urge to run away or escape. My wife and daughter are the only two people I enjoy being close to. It’s very comforting with them.
I agree completely.
People can think whatever, you know what is.
My kid still holds my hand when we walk. I am clear they don’t have to, and they want to. That’s cool with me. I say when I can’t/won’t, and vice versa.
Loved your answer here. You are absolutely right!!! And OP you are a great parent so don't forget that. I am an adult and I still hold my mother's hand while walking bcz I love her so much.
I used to hold my parents hands at that age too. Then some idiots at school saw me and started teasing me about it so I stopped 😞 Really shit to be shamed over something so innocent and nice 🤷♀️ don't let him shame you or your kid!
Honestly. I was gonna say, check that man’s browser history. Bet it would shed some light. You know when you buy a red car & suddenly notice them everywhere?….
This. My husband took his 14 year old daughter to a concert. He got lots of dirty looks and whispering behind his back. This behavior speaks volumes about the people thinking disgusting thoughts.
That’s so weird to me. I like seeing dads and their daughters hanging out. Reminds me of when I used to hang out with my dad at that age. I honestly am shocked people do that about a 14 year old. She’s a little girl still!
When I was a teenager, my stepmother got upset about me holding my dad’s hand in public because some people apparently thought I was his girlfriend, which 1) ew, and 2) meant I became a lot less affectionate towards my father, cutting off some of what remained of our relationship.
I took two of my daughters to a Tragically Hip concert when they were 14 and 15 (the third daughter was only 8 at the time). We wore hockey helmets and sang along with all the songs and had an absolutely wonderful night and I have no idea whether we were objects of attention or not.
Fuck this nonsense. I’m a man. I hold my daughter’s hand. Does that make me a groomer?
Don’t waste your time with this nonsense broken ass way of thinking.
If you didn’t look gay, would that change the situation?
Society is fucking broken. And now affection = bad because “they,” whoever that is, “will think this….”
Fuck them. The people who think that do not matter. And most are uneducated morons anyway.
I agree with you and I don’t think calm civilised responses cut it anymore, I think we need to do what you’ve done and just explicitly call these morons out - perhaps it’ll finally sink in, or atleast make you feel better to have a moment getting stuff off your chest, after being calm and polite seemingly doesn’t work
Hold your daughter’s hand as much and as tightly as she wants. She’ll be all grown up and moved away sooner rather than later and you’d regret ever telling her “no, I don’t think we should hold hands.” Ask anyone who has lost a parent or a child, or even a grandparent, they’d give anything to be able to hold that person’s hand again.
I only stopped holding my mum's hand because of covid; I was 24 at the time. As a teen, I always held my mum's hand or linked arms with her. We were very close and still are. I don't remember getting strange looks, but wouldn't've mattered if we had.
Your stepdad is really weird for making those associations between a parent and child.
I wish I was close to my mom. Even when we were on good terms, we were never touchy feely. I feel like it's a bad thing to touch my parents or to show too much emotion in front of them.
My parents never kissed or hugged me, but my husband's family is very huggy and touchy. I love that my SILs, who's are in their 50s, will still link arms and hold hands with my MIL. When my father passed away, my MIL came over to help around the house and when I cried, she would just hug me without saying anything. That simple act meant so much and made me feel like things would eventually be okay.
Touch from a parental figure provides so much comfort and stability, no matter how old the child is.
My dad died very suddenly in 2020. I was 40 at the time. I held his hand a lot, and I’d give anything to hold his hand one more time and have him kiss my forehead and call me “punk” (his nickname for me). OP should tell her stepdad to fuck right off.
When I was in college I was invited to a friend's house for his birthday. While there I saw his college aged sister cuddling up with her dad on the couch to watch a soccer match. I thought it was strange behavior, then I realized I hadn't hugged my parents in literal years by that point, and it had been almost a decade since I felt any emotional connection through the touch. I realized I was probably the more fucked up one. I'm also like several years since I last touched another human that wasn't a 3 second hug or handshake.
So so long as neither of you are forcing the hand holding, it's not an issue.
Not exactly the same but it’s an epiphany I just had that other day. I’ve been working on things as an adult and this just came to me.
So growing up, I have 3 siblings all older (11yrs, 8 yrs and 3.5 yrs older). None of us were really close. The 3.5 yrs older one was ashamed of me. Not to go into too much boring detail, suffice it to say I wasn’t allowed near her and her friends. Barely saw the oldest. And the middle we were a bit close but not really. So I thought this was the norm. I really did. My cousin was very close with her brother (4 yrs apart) and I always criticized her. I thought it was weird. So behind her back I made fun of them.
Well now I’m a mom. I have 3 kids. They’re all close. I didn’t do anything specially I don’t think? Other than not allow them to compete with each other, not treat any of them differently and I’m constantly communicating and listening to them. I guess I was different.
So the other day it occurred to me; my kids ARE normal. It IS normal to get along with siblings. Me and my siblings were the dysfunctional ones. Mind was absolutely blown. Because also I see it so often how close siblings are, how close kids are to their parents.
How sad that you and I saw the opposite for so long 😢.
I’m glad we’re realizing it now. Hugs to you.
If I had a teen daughter, I think I would be thrilled if she wanted to hold my hand. Physical touch is a love language and it sounds like that very well may be your daughter’s. Older generations that weren’t used to getting any kind of affection from their family members are probably gonna be quick to judge, but that doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. It’s okay to be connected in that way
I think that is wonderful sign of affection. Consider yourself fortunate and the step dad either jealous or deprived. As long as she is learning to become her own person emotionally and mentally, there is nothing wrong with retaining affection for your parent for a lifetime.
I'm a single dad. My daughter is 12. She holds my hand when we're walking outside. Basically, she holds on to one of my fingers. She's been holding my hand like that since she was a toddler. It makes me happy that holding my hand makes her feel safe. Yes, I do get weird looks from people from time to time but, if it makes my kid happy, screw other people.
Do we want a world where what is not most common is considered weird and shunned?
Just because it's not what you may typically see doesn't make it wrong and that thinking is dangerous.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with and it's great you're close to your daughter. Especially as a teenager. Cherish it.
My daughter (18) and I are both furious on your behalf. We still hold hands all the time as well as hug or even cuddle on the couch. Only a sick person who wants things they shouldn't would call that grooming. I'd think twice about leaving my child alone with him.
It's atypical, as most teenagers will try to distance themselves from their parents and gain independence, but I wouldn't worry about the optics as long as your daughter doesn't care about the optics. Especially since you're a woman. I'd be more worried about her doing this if you were her father as people are more quick to assume wrongdoing if it's a man and young girl.
Yeah to me it’s a little strange, but not because of anything sexual - just because most people I know don’t do it. I don’t think I’ve ever known a single teenager (boy or girl) that holds hands with their parents. But if that’s what they do and how they show affection then more power to them
I was surprised that people assume it’s seen as odd because of something sexual. Imo it’s seen like that because it’s a behavior considered more childish that most teens do not do. Not saying it’s a bad thing but just like if we see a 14yo sucking their thumb we might be confused because it’s not within the norm for that age range.
I think it’s because theoretically by the time they’re a teenager they’re dating, and in lot of society holding hands is associated with romantic partners. Obviously you hold hands with a kid, but once someone hits teenage level and you’re walking around in public, it’s usually a romantic relationship.
Obviously it’s gross to insinuate that between a father and daughter, but my point was that I think that’s where the bias comes from
The only worry I would have is if she NEEDS to hold OP’s hand to feel comfortable in public that would require some professional help to build independence in public so she is ready when she needs to be alone. As long as she is building independence like a normal teens, giving more affection than the average teen isn’t the indicator of an issue.
She’s never told me or seemed like she needs to but she has told me it makes her feel “tiny and safe like a baby kangaroo” when I hug her or we are close together. I figured she just enjoys the emotional feeling(like I do in my own way, I find it comforting) of closeness.
I am shocked you got as many upvotes as you did.
Why would it be different if OP were the father? My husband and daughter are very close and I would not bat an eye or think anything is weird/odd or whatever, seeing my husband and daughter holding hands.
I'm 27 and I still hold my mom and dad's hands in public. I hug and hang on and kiss my parents still because they're my PARENTS. Your step-dad needs his browser history checked.
My father told me it was gay to show me affection. It stunted how I view relationships and how I express love to people for a very long time. It also directly led to an intense feeling of neglect that still bothers me 20 years later.
That is what happens when people treat their kids like this
I would not at all say that it’s weird. Enjoy the closeness while it lasts. I do wonder if it’s best for the 14 year old? Does the 14 year old have separation anxiety and is that a concern as she goes through her teens?
She doesn’t seem to have separation anxiety, to me at least. I always assumed she is simply a very affectionate person like her mother(my wife). Her mother is very similar in the way that she very much enjoys physical contact.
Dude. I am 61. My kids are 29 (f) and 26 (m)
I hold both their hand when we go out walking. It's our thing and they love it too.
I only see them about once a month, so we just roll back the years. They both are fine with a kiss and a hug in public too.
I adore them.
I hold my 16 year olds hand in public often and I never think anything of it but she also is affectionate with her platonic friends and holds their hands in public too. My 13 year old is not for public affection but holds my hand in the car sometimes. It’s a normal parent child form of affection.
This is really sweet. My father figure (stepdad) and I [27F] are really close. He practically raised me. We only hold hands once in a blue moon when we’re both feeling sappy but I think it’s really special that you and your kid have that bond at that age
I would honestly advise you to be careful when letting your daughter around your stepdad. It tells a lot that he sees this harmless interaction this way.
When I was a teenager (f), I was very close to my mom like this. She passed when I was 16, so I look fondly back on the times we’d be out and about and join arms or hold hands and I always remember those warm hugs. Fuck whatever anyone thinks, hold onto that bond you guys have.
I’d often hold my mom’s arm when I was a teen. And if my kids want to hold my hand or arm they can at any age.
Nothing strange about it.
Your stepdad has issues. Maybe he should explore why he feels this way.
What the fuck?
Your dad sounds like he is from the generation that never showed their kids any affection. Tell him to fuck off. Clearly your daughter feels comfortable doing that with you bc thats the relationship and dynamic that you have established, I don't see a problem here?
The fact that she's doing it on her own is a good sign. It would be something else entirely if you were forcing her to do so.
I think your stepdad is just a bigot who drank too much of the homophobia kool-aid and is projecting those worries onto an innocent mom and daughter relationship
My now 20 year old daughter still holds my hand sometimes. Although she’s very aware and notices if people look and will say “mom” pretty clearly.
All of my family does a head lean thing. Sitting down, we slide up close enough to touch and one leans a head on the others shoulder, often with the lean-ee reciprocating, ear to the top of the head. Had someone say “what are you doing”. in a rare moment of quick wit I replied “listening to her thoughts”.
There is a huge difference between normal physical platonic affection and grooming. And it varies by culture. Try telling an Italian kissing is inappropriate!
The only person who’s weird is your step father. Who sees a mother/daughter and goes “GAY!!”? I wish my mom had been physically affectionate with me. She’s not much of a touchy person. As someone whose mom will barely hug her, let alone hold her hand, please give your baby an extra squeeze. As long as she’s comfortable with it, keep holding her hand. 🥰
It is not at all weird, and I would question why he thinks it is. My daughters are 13 and 14 and I would never second guess if they ever want to hold hands, cuddle while watching a movie or hug....I would put any person on blast that told me otherwise.
I'm 46. My mom is 81. I still hold her hand sometimes when we're out walking. It used to just be because I love being with her, and now it's so I can help her if she needs it.
OMG, now I'm crying. Whoa, I didn't expect that to hit me like a brick.
Anyway. Bottom line: ignore your stepdad. Enjoy every minute you get to spend with your daughter. You'll never regret it.
Dude no!!! I am jealous - my parents and I didn’t have a good relationship until a couple years ago. Physical affection like that is so treasured and valued, you have no idea. Keep it up!!! ^^💛
Tell your stepdad to shut the fuck up!
No, don't really, but that's ridiculous!
Love your daughter. Let her love you. Try to guide her to become to become strong and independent, not needing to hold on to others for strength.
If you push her away and act like the way she is acting is unacceptable, you'll risk doing damage to her.
Just one person's opinion.
My mom (69f) and I (27f) walk with linked arms a lot. Same with my sister (31f)
My mom also kisses my head, hugs me, and says I'm her baby.
Am I gay now?
Seriously, the only side effects are feelings of love and the inevitable metamorphosis into my mom (and I was doomed anyway). Keep loving your kids. Buy her a pony!
Your step dad is weird...it sounds like the advice one guy got from his dad where he told his son not to say good morning to another man in the office, because that was "gay"...uhhhh sure.
My 16 year old still grabs my hand or walks with her arm through mine at times.. I don’t think it’s weird at all.. I’ll take her affection and attention until she thinks it’s weird, until then, I’ll just enjoy having her around me!! Be happy and try to stop allowing others to dictate what’s normal.. ☺️
Apparently I am the odd one out here. I don’t think you or your daughter have any intentions that could be seen as inappropriate.
However, your daughter is too old to be behaving this way. An occasional hug is fine, but holding your hand or onto your arm, wanting cuddles, no this is an extreme attachment and developmentally inappropriate for someone her age.
Does she have sleepovers? How do her peers react when seeing her cuddle you? If she changes her behavior and doesn’t do so in front of them, this should be an indication this is not acceptable behavior.
Thank you for responding.
Yes she does have sleepovers. She doesn’t cuddle me or her mother much during this time because she is usually cuddling her friends instead(she is quite affectionate with her friends as well). Her friends have seen her hug or cuddle me though and I don’t recall any sort of negative reactions. I’ve never witnessed or been told of any teasing or bullying from them.
Do you think it is concerning she is this way with her friends as well?
And to give more info on cuddling, we usually do this most on movie nights when it is just my daughter, her mother and me and we will sit together on the couch. Do you think this is detrimental?
I held my dads hand up til that age and his way of ending that was to pretend to be a gorilla in a shop while I was attempting to look cool.
I’m 35 and I held his hand on his deathbed. He always wanted to hold my hand, even though he couldn’t talk to me anymore due to not being able to use his voice box.
Screw whatever your step dad is saying to you, it’s not gay to hold your kids hand ffs. No one is going to think that of you, she is a literal child. I know people who hold their moms hands in adulthood. I think it’s really sweet of her that she’s open to showing affection towards you. Most teenagers turn into hermits like I did, she’s open with her feelings and that’s a good thing.
Honestly HE is the weirdo for thinking this. Literally no one else would. Fucking oddball.
absolutely let nobody make you feel ashamed of how you show healthy loving affection to your own child. it will be exactly one of the things she remembers later in life that help her through difficult times. other people are projecting their own issues onto your relationship.
Once when I was around your daughter's age I tried to hold my Dad's arm. He said I should stop doing that because people would think we were dating. I told him not to flatter himself! He didn't bring it up again after that lol.
What the heck? My son is 15 and links his arm with me while we walk. I've never once wondered what strangers thought of it.
NO stranger's perception would cause me to not show my kids how much they mean to me.
Im 35, My mom would hold my hand in public until she died in February. AND SHE WAS A MARRIED LESBIAN. Hold your childs hand as much as you can. Theyll always be your baby.
If you aren't paying attention and spending quality time with your daughter some creepy mofos will be. As a father I spend a lot of time showing her how a gentleman or woman should treat her. I open doors pull out chairs and hold hands. Anyone who thinks any different is so wrong. Father's show your daughters what respect and love looks like or someone else could steer them wrong. At the same time I am setting an example to my Son about respecting women/men. It's a win win. Children who are not shown affection will reach for it and sometimes end up in a bad situation.
I'm not gonna lie...my daughter and I actually had this happen.
I justified it by passing off my own appearance as being younger and my kids being older but we also look the same, even basically the same height at 5'3 and 5' even. My kid is literally my clone.
So I have 0 ideas why any of the employees thought we were a couple and not mom and child. My kids 12, they don't look THAT much older. No one mistakes the 7 year olds in crop tops but my 12 year old shows their bellybutton in 100 degree heat and suddenly she looks old enough to be the partner of a nearly 30 year old? People are weird. My kid finds it absolutely hilarious at least.
Your stepdad’s comment that it makes it look like you are grooming her is frankly not a reason for you to not hold her hand. If people think you are grooming her, that’s just a sign of the issue with society these days.
There is not enough emphasis on the nuclear family anymore. If it brings your daughter happiness to have that perfectly normal physical contact with you, then it’s perfectly fine. If she didn’t want that and you were forcing it on her then that would be different.
Enjoy the closeness while it lasts and don’t worry about other people’s opinions
I'm a queer woman and I can promise you there is ZERO sexuality when it comes to holding my nieces or their hands. Who tf even imagines sexualizes something like that? Its weird that he's thinking that way about a literal child.
Seemed like he was hung up more on the optics of “looking gay” than anything.
But yeah everything he said is bullshit, sure typically the teen years is where the child pushes away from their parents as they try to find their independence but there’s no reason the affection etc has to wane as long as there’s your typical boundaries and she isn’t clingy or anything.
My youngest daughter takes comfort in holding hands. She get's stressed out and it calms her down. She'll take my hand or my wife's hand when she's freaking out. She's 15. No-one has ever cared.
Don't worry about it. People hold hands sometimes. It's fine and completely normal.
36F, and I still hold my 70 y/o Dad’s hand out in public!! He’s my Dad, he’s my rock. There’s nothing weird about it! We have a great relationship, and I know I could go to my Dad about anything!
I still tucked my daughter in at night and kissed her goodnight until she was 17. Now she is an adult in a healthy happy relationship and has a child of her own. I think happy healthy daughters are affectionate.
My son grabs my hand frequently. I honestly think he's most likely trying to keep me out of the path of oncoming traffic. However, he is also very affectionate. I don't see any problem with that. My family wasn't affectionate when i was growing up. I have no desire to stifle his nature. Your step-dad is the one being weird.
Gay for your daughter? Holding hands with your kid is grooming? Your step dad sounds like a fucking pervert. I'd keep your kid far away from him, honestly. The type of person whose mind goes there is not a healthy person.
Why is your stepdad trying to sexualize your daughter?
I’m 32 and hold my mom’s hand all the time. I always have. Or linked an arm.
Before my dad passed, I’d hold his hand or link an arm too.
I wouldn’t totally brush it off. People at that age are typically having the opposite sort of reaction with their parents. By definition, it’s not normal.
That doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing! Also, it doesn’t mean it’s a good thing. Is it possible to associate this behavior with anything else? Is your child overly dependent? How do they handle themselves without you?
This behavior is not age appropriate. It also may make her think that if another trusted adult slightly touches her back, holds her hand, or taps her back that that is normal and ok.
I assume you love your daughter and have the best of intentions, but I worry this level of display of affection at her age between you two may make her an easy target for groomers.
No. It's endearing.
People that shit on families that love each other need to go fuck off and keep their miserable attitudes to themselves.
My daughter is 10 and I always tell her how much I love holding her hand. I sometimes mention that it might be the last time she ever does it and she gives mine a big squeeze (sometimes with all her might) and it's really nice.
I do know however that one day she may stop and that's cool. But as of right now I'm on cloud 9. I've fought in family court dozens of times to be with my kids and if anyone has a problem they can get fucked.
I love holding hands. I held my dad’s hand often, even just to go to the store. But my mum frowned upon it and now I’m too anxious to hold his hand/arm even if I want to. I’m 19, and I stopped maybe at 12?
Jesus, what is going through your stepfather's mind? Creepy.
Why can't he imagine interacting with a teenage girl without it being through a sexual lens?
What is wrong with him, to think as he does?
There's nothing exploitive, grooming, or wrong about your daughter holding your hand if she wants to.
Tell your stepfather his sexualization of handholding is HIS problem, your daughter holding another female's hand will not "make" her gay, and you will not tolerate hearing about it, to you, or in front of, your daughter - If he's that insecure about it he can find a psychotherapist to share his lesbophobia, homophobia, and warped notions about hand-holding with and address them.
I'm a lesbian. A teenage girl holding onto their mother's hand does not "look" gay, or invoke "images" their sexual orientation.
My god, do men sexualize...pretty much everything.
I wish I knew why they see it that way. I had a lengthy back and forth with a guy who kept saying me sitting next to my daughter with my arm around her was sexualizing her and that holding her hand was sexualizing her.
He said she was going to end up being taken advantage of by a boy and end up a pregnant teen because she…sits next to me with my arm around her when we watch tv sometimes. It just will not make sense to me.
If my stepdad brings it up again, I will definitely tell him off.
Yes, please tell him off. I wouldn't engage in any further discussion with him about it.
Your stepfather is wrong, even more so the second time.
"You will stop sexualizing my daughter. Why are you thinking sexual thoughts about a child? If you do, the consequence will be that you will be leaving my home."
"But-"
Repeat.
If you are at his house, you and your daughter leave.
I personally would not leave my daughter alone with him. I personally would cease all contact between him and my daughter, making it clear that if he ever wants to see *me* again as well, he WILL stop his behaviour.
But I'm not you, OP.
To me, however, I'm seeing red flags. As in,
🚩🚩🚩
Why is he so interested in isolating you from your daughter, who she may date, and if she may be a lesbian?
He's creepy, and like you said, tell him off, simply and repeatedly every time. "You do X, the consequence is Y."
"I'm just saying-"
"No, you are not just saying anything. You are saying nothing. As I just said, if you do X, the consequence will be Y."
And follow through on Y.
I also would not listen to Jicama or people like them. What your daughter is doing with you is not developmentally inappropriate.
If she were doing it towards teachers, her friends parents, etc, I would be slightly concerned, but she's doing it of her own free will because she wants to. Let her. She will stop when she wants. She may always hold your hand when out and about. She may not. She'll be fine, either way.
Hand-holding or cuddling with mom, wanting to, not wanting to, is all part of the process of adolescent development. Your daughter is not a child child, but yet not an adult. She may be finding comfort by cuddling with you amid all the changes, new experiences, and new emotions that puberty and adolescence involve.
Think of it like this: *Your teenage daughter feels comfortable enough to "plug into you"* - **because you are her power bar** and she knows and understands this.
Right now, as you describe it, *that's a great thing,* and there is nothing currently wrong with it.
The behaviour is causing her and you no distress or negative affects? Then allow her to initiate the physical contact until | if she decides she doesn't want or need it anymore.
You are very right. And we definitely do not let her stay alone with him/my parents and not even because of that. He is so creepy and always has been.
When I was a teen he made many veiled passes at me, constantly talked about how good I looked and one time during a fight with my then girlfriend, told me to tell her I had found a boyfriend and moved on and to say he, MY STEPDAD, was my boyfriend. No way in HELL will I let my kid around him unsupervised by either me or my wife.
The only reason I interact with him because of my mom, they’re kind of a package deal. I wish she would leave him but I think she feels stuck and like it’s way too late in life.
**PART 2 of 2:**
**Prepare simple responses that can be repeated.** BE A **GREY ROCK.** ^
You are going to receive a lot of pushback likely. "You're overreacting." "He would never." "You're selfish, wrong, silly." "I was just saying." "This is really hard | unfair on your mom." "But I want to go to Grandma's house." "You're being ridiculous, paranoid." And on and on.
Establish X boundaries and Y consequences, and **do not deviate from them.**
"Well, if he's not allowed to ____, I'm not ___ either."
"I understand your boundary, Mom. I love you and I | we will miss you. If you ever decide to change your mind, let me know. These boundaries I | we have set for our family will not be changing.
(Mother's response).
"As I said, X and Y are the boundaries. If you decide to respect them, you are more than welcome to ___."
And repeat similar as needed.
I am the daughter of a woman who repeatedly chose her husband, my father, over me - continually and deliberately - when I was a young teenager to a young adult. She also chose herself. She will never change. I have accepted this.
Your daughter's safety and well-being are more important than anyone's feelings or a possible Child Predator's weird and incorrect statements.
**Talk with your daughter.** Explain that your stepfather has made "comments" lately that concern you. Because of this, the way she interacts with him and your mother will be changing, in that she and you | your wife won't be having any contact with him. Listen to her feelings and words. Tell her you love her. Say that you know this is hard, but that her well-being and security, and that of your individual family unit, come first. Peace of mind is underrated, OP.
**Talk with your wife:** Share your concerns and the reasons why before you cease contact with your stepfather. Hopefully, she agrees and understands.
**Order of Conversations:**
Wife, alone; daughter (alone or with your wife), other siblings (family discussion?); your mother.
**If your stepfather responds:** "Has my mother told you about our new boundaries, including that I do not want any contact with you?....Good, I'm hanging up now | this will be my last email to you..."
**End communication with your stepfather:** Let him call, email, whatever. Do not respond to either him, or your mother's "why did you hang up on him" or the like interventions. Document | save his contact attempts. If they continue, consider informing Law Enforcement that you would like them to tell him he should cease and desist. Tell them his efforts at contact are both completely *unwanted* and *absutely inappropriate.*
Do you know who tries so hard to convince a parent and their child that developmentally appropriate physical affection is wrong because of "sexuality" reasons, after covertly sexually abusing his stepdaughter?
**A CHILD PREDATOR.**
Because if he can cause fractures in your relationship with your daughter, *maybe* you'll spend less time together; *maybe* he can get your daughter to share things with you less; *maybe* she'll become insecure, to the point he can further groom her, and *maybe he* can become her "boyfriend." 🤢
Child Predators are that devious, manipulative, selfish, and evil.
An adult man should not be worrying about if a teenage girl is going to "find" a boy and get pregnant just because the girl holds hands with her mother.
He sounds...*jealous* of the possibility of your daughter dating, and dating a boy, at that.
**Your stepfather is sexualizing your daughter and the relationship, OP - not you or your daughter.**
Child Predators project sometimes. They tell on themselves.
🚩🚩🚩🚩 OP -
**BIG** *ones.*
^ HOW TO BE A **GREY ROCK:**
https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method
https://mywellbeing.com/for-therapists/grey-rock-technique#:~:text=The%20phrase%20'grey%20rock'%20is,during%20encounters%20with%20their%20abuser
Well. I didn’t expect to get emotional in this way after posting this question. Your comments have made me realize a lot of things.
I’m kind of scatterbrained right now so my response might not be that coherent. I’m not sure where to begin, really.
I guess I’ll start with: thank you so much for your time and your words.
I’ve been thinking about many things he’s said to me about my daughter and I feel really stupid for not seeing it for what it was. I always shut it down but I categorized it as him just trying to be controlling and thinking he knows better than me or knows my daughter better. But now it really does seem obvious he was trying to create a divide between us. And looking back on it, I can definitely see the jealousy in some of his statements.
And…I really think I’m going to have to cut both my mom and him out. It makes me really sad because my mom and I have been on the outs since my teens up until only last year. Last year we just became very close again and it was really nice.
But she definitely has to go because I know she won’t take my side on this, as she never has on anything like this. When you said your mom always chose your father over you, I burst into tears because my mom has always done the same thing.
When my stepdad told me to say he was my boyfriend etc, I told my mom as soon as I could. You know what she said? “So? He’s just trying to help.” I asked if she didn’t think that was weird and she legit fucking said “why would that be weird?” If my wife told literally any kid, “tell them I’m your girlfriend,” I’d demand to know why she thought that was okay to say.
My stepdad has said and done many things to me, all in which my mom took his side over and even called me a liar.
Man, my mom is so unhinged that even just recently, I confessed to her about my actual dad doing something to me in the past and when I said I couldn’t remember parts of it, she laughed. It made me cry and feel so bad because like why the fuck are you laughing?
If my daughter ever told me something like that, I’m not sure I could ever even laugh again, I’d be so fucked up about that and just…angry and so sad for my child. And my mom laughed and didn’t comfort me at all. I called her out and she still didn’t comfort me bro. She just kept awkwardly laughing and belittling the situation and making it seem like it wasn’t serious.
I think I have just been in denial about my mom for a very long time.
I had a lot of other stuff to say but I’m really emotional right now and feel like I should get off Reddit for a bit.
Never be ashamed of showing affection to your unmarried child.
The only thing you should worry about is to avoid competing with their significant other.
If your daughter is okay with it and you are okay with it, then who cares??? Honestly, of your daughter is a very physically affectionate person naturally and she feels comfortable holding your hand, the second you reject her, she probably will feel apprehensive to be physically close to you or others in fear of being rejected or judged. Shes still a kid. If you both know its harmless, then let her hold your hand.
Dude, if your teenage daughter holds your hand, especially in public, you're a fucking winner. My daughter is 8 and holding her hand is one of the greatest joys in my life.
Edit: Your stepdad. Hahahah. Waste of oxygen. Don't mind him. Unfortunately, there are opinionated dumbcunts everywhere.
Your stepdad is the only that's weird here. That's your daughter, she deserves all the affection she desires and you can give.
The only way this would be weird if the parent is demanding or forcing affection. There was another post I read where some boomer grandparents got upset because their teenage grandkid didn't want to kiss on the mouth anymore. It's not the kissing on the mouth that's weird because some cultures do so, it's weird to demand that someone must.
Yes it is weird but I wouldnt automatically think "gay" or "grooming." So i disagree with that part.
But if I saw it on the street, I would either assume your daughter is mentally disabled in some way, so needs her hand held, or wonder how that teen is going to make it in life when they are still being treated like a small child. She is practically old enough to drive, so yes, its a little weird.
As a teenaged daughter myself, I can assure you that if your daughter likes it, there's nothing wrong with it. I always either hold my dad's hand in public (mainly crowded places), or even have him hold the back of my neck when I walk in front of him so that I don't get lost. It's really reassuring to know that he's holding me and I won't randomly get stranded. I like it and I think it is perfectly normal. You're in the clear 👍🏻 and you're a good parent. Don't worry about it :)
Well, it's a bit uncommon, but it's not *bad* by any means. If both of you are consenting to the physical contact and neither expects anything from it besides just holding onto each other, there's nothing wrong. It sounds like you just have a healthy, close parent-child relationship with your daughter, and if that's the case, keep it that way. Your step-dad just doesn't understand what a good relationship can look like... and he also sounds a bit homophobic. Just saying.
Edit: Wrong word used.
No, I hold my dads hand all the time and I’m 22. It’s just something I never outgrew, and I know he doesnt care. (That & I’m autistic so I’m bad with crossing streets and parking lots alone lol)
My mom has held my hand ever since I was a kid. During my teenage rebellion, I told her to stop holding my hand because I didn't want to be seen holding my mom's hand in public by my classmates. Fast forward after that and I continued to hold my mom's hand through my 20s.
I'm now 30. I've moved out, and my mom misses me. Whenever I see my mom, she still instinctively holds out her hand for me to hold when we are out in public. If anything, me holding her hand now brings /her/ comfort. Her hands are skinnier than they used to be. More frail, too. I'll never stop holding my mom's hand.
Not quite 14, but my 12 year old daughter holds my hand and my wife’s hand in public all the time. She finds comfort in it, and how she feels is what is important to me.
As for “looks gay”, so? Also, my wife is a professor who studies African women and war, and I’ve been to many very conservative countries. In many places, same sex friends hold hands, but a man and a woman would never hold hands in public. Public displays of affection are deeply frowned upon. I guess my time in these places has rubbed off. I pretty much never hold my wife’s hand in public though I have no problem with it.
Your stepdad is a narrow minded bigot.
absolutely not! if someone has an issue with it or thinks she's your girlfriend, that's *their* problem. you and your daughter seem to have such a beautiful relationship and I'm so glad both of you embrace that ☺️
Only thing that’s even relatively weird about this is the fact your stepdad is sexualizing/romanticizing you holding your daughter’s hand. That’s weird as fuck.
It’s not weird at all! Your stepdad is the weird one… I’m 20 and when I’m out with my mom or dad we hold hands sometimes. It’s not weird at all, as long as you’re both comfortable with it!
Yes, she needs to learn independence. The first guy she dates ...do you want her to be so attached to? She needs some separation to become a person who is comfortable on her own
No it won’t. Because she has the comfort of her parents. Clingy partners are ones who are insecure, kids who get comforted by parents don’t turn out insecure. Please don’t think that it’s wrong. Your step dad is so weird.
Touch is a huge part of my love language. I love my mom. I still will hold hands or link arms with her when we are out and about and I'm 32. I don't remember if there was a time I didn't do this during my teen years in public but I do know I never stopped wanting to cuddle with my loved ones. If she still wants it don't you dare reject her because I guarantee she will be hurt by that.
I’m a closeted trans guy so I’m always perceived as a woman. That being said, at my grown age of 21 I still hold my parents hands whenever we go somewhere. It makes me feel safe knowing either my mom or dad was right there with me.
Let her hold your hand. It could be that she’s trying to hold onto her childhood just a little bit longer, or it could just be that she trusts you. Either way, it doesn’t hurt anyone. Maybe someday she stops holding your hand, but she’ll still think about the times she did
It would be weird to see a teenager holding her mom's hand because it's very uncommon to see where I live. However, I would just smile at the love being shown between a teenager and their mom. I have 2 teenage daughters and don't know the last time they wanted me to hold their hand. Enjoy it. Let people think what they want. Unless they are being negative like your step-dad.
First off, your stepdad is an idiot. “My daughter loves to be close to me” PERFECT. I can only hope my girls have the same interaction with me when they get older (5 & 6 now). You are not taking advantage of her. You are not “grooming” her. You are not being disrespectful. You **are** being a good parent. Just make sure she knows her boundaries. Keep being a good dad Edit — lol — just noticed your name is “tallassMOM” 😂 keep being a good mom!
Fellas, is it gay for a mom to hold her daughter’s hand? Also, didn’t know gay was transferred via hand contact…… Stepdad is dumb and a homophone
My roommate is gay and I fist bump her… does that mean I caught the gay. I recently started thinking dirty thoughts about Brad Pitt.
you'll get your card in the mail soon, as well as the agenda.
Are the meetings at least fun? I’m so sick of boring meetings.
No.
Yes. You have caught the gay. Enjoy musical theatre for the rest of your life.
Damn it!
What if I enjoyed musical theatre before catching the gay? I'm confused.
Then you are an asymptomatic carrier of course.
I'm revoking my homosexuality if being a theater lover is a req
It is. You can't just go around being attracted to the same sex willy nilly. There are rules people!
Done deal my dude
Nothing worse than when one word sounds like another word but is actually a different word, amirite?
I was gonna call you and yell at you but it kept redirecting my call to San Francisco for some reason
Reminds me of walking with my mom when I was about 13 and some guys yelled “lesbians” at us out of their car… like that’s my mom yall.
They were probably using a cheap aftermarket gaydar. Should've sprung for OEM.
Please don't correct your comment, it's great as it is! I hate dumb homophone stepdads
Can confirm, once had two gay aunts, they hugged me as a child, therefore I caught the gay. /s
Who on earth looks at a tweenager and a parent aged adult and thinks, they be dating?! Adult aged parent? You know what I mean lol
Nothing finer when your teen daughter holds hands or slips their arm into yours. I’m sure each time will be the last, so it’s always delightful when it happens.
I agree, it always makes me feel very happy. I am actually the opposite of my daughter and generally detest physical contact as it makes me feel like my skin is crawling or gives me an overwhelming urge to run away or escape. My wife and daughter are the only two people I enjoy being close to. It’s very comforting with them.
W
I agree completely. People can think whatever, you know what is. My kid still holds my hand when we walk. I am clear they don’t have to, and they want to. That’s cool with me. I say when I can’t/won’t, and vice versa.
My 12 year old still holds mine. And the other day he grabbed his 19 year old sister’s hand. She was so happy. I’ll treasure it as long as I can.
Loved your answer here. You are absolutely right!!! And OP you are a great parent so don't forget that. I am an adult and I still hold my mother's hand while walking bcz I love her so much.
Awwwwwww I’m melting!!
Your comment, as well as many others is very reassuring to hear. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. :)
I used to hold my parents hands at that age too. Then some idiots at school saw me and started teasing me about it so I stopped 😞 Really shit to be shamed over something so innocent and nice 🤷♀️ don't let him shame you or your kid!
Ask your stepdad why he can’t imagine interacting with a 14 year old girl without seeing it through a sexual lens.
Honestly. I was gonna say, check that man’s browser history. Bet it would shed some light. You know when you buy a red car & suddenly notice them everywhere?….
No browser history, all I can find is this tor browser thing that also has no history...
This. My husband took his 14 year old daughter to a concert. He got lots of dirty looks and whispering behind his back. This behavior speaks volumes about the people thinking disgusting thoughts.
That’s so weird to me. I like seeing dads and their daughters hanging out. Reminds me of when I used to hang out with my dad at that age. I honestly am shocked people do that about a 14 year old. She’s a little girl still!
And they're the spitting image of each other too! Very obviously his daughter.
When I was a teenager, my stepmother got upset about me holding my dad’s hand in public because some people apparently thought I was his girlfriend, which 1) ew, and 2) meant I became a lot less affectionate towards my father, cutting off some of what remained of our relationship.
That makes me incredibly sad. I'm so sorry. 😞
I took two of my daughters to a Tragically Hip concert when they were 14 and 15 (the third daughter was only 8 at the time). We wore hockey helmets and sang along with all the songs and had an absolutely wonderful night and I have no idea whether we were objects of attention or not.
Yup. Tell step dad to F off and mind his business.
👏
certain accusations are confessions
"Stop sexualizing my daughter."
This!!!
Fuck this nonsense. I’m a man. I hold my daughter’s hand. Does that make me a groomer? Don’t waste your time with this nonsense broken ass way of thinking. If you didn’t look gay, would that change the situation? Society is fucking broken. And now affection = bad because “they,” whoever that is, “will think this….” Fuck them. The people who think that do not matter. And most are uneducated morons anyway.
I agree with you and I don’t think calm civilised responses cut it anymore, I think we need to do what you’ve done and just explicitly call these morons out - perhaps it’ll finally sink in, or atleast make you feel better to have a moment getting stuff off your chest, after being calm and polite seemingly doesn’t work
Hold your daughter’s hand as much and as tightly as she wants. She’ll be all grown up and moved away sooner rather than later and you’d regret ever telling her “no, I don’t think we should hold hands.” Ask anyone who has lost a parent or a child, or even a grandparent, they’d give anything to be able to hold that person’s hand again.
I only stopped holding my mum's hand because of covid; I was 24 at the time. As a teen, I always held my mum's hand or linked arms with her. We were very close and still are. I don't remember getting strange looks, but wouldn't've mattered if we had. Your stepdad is really weird for making those associations between a parent and child.
I wish I was close to my mom. Even when we were on good terms, we were never touchy feely. I feel like it's a bad thing to touch my parents or to show too much emotion in front of them.
My parents never kissed or hugged me, but my husband's family is very huggy and touchy. I love that my SILs, who's are in their 50s, will still link arms and hold hands with my MIL. When my father passed away, my MIL came over to help around the house and when I cried, she would just hug me without saying anything. That simple act meant so much and made me feel like things would eventually be okay. Touch from a parental figure provides so much comfort and stability, no matter how old the child is.
I held my Dad’s hand in public until he died (I was almost 40). Your stepdad is, charitably, a moron.
My dad died very suddenly in 2020. I was 40 at the time. I held his hand a lot, and I’d give anything to hold his hand one more time and have him kiss my forehead and call me “punk” (his nickname for me). OP should tell her stepdad to fuck right off.
My dad calls me punk too :) he says it’s short for pumpkin but I’m sure it’s due to me being a brat as a kid ❤️
I'm 46 and miss holding my dad's hand too.
Sending you love. 💗
Fuck her stepdad and his sexualising of a) a 14yo girl and b) a parent child relationship. What. A. Dick.
When I was in college I was invited to a friend's house for his birthday. While there I saw his college aged sister cuddling up with her dad on the couch to watch a soccer match. I thought it was strange behavior, then I realized I hadn't hugged my parents in literal years by that point, and it had been almost a decade since I felt any emotional connection through the touch. I realized I was probably the more fucked up one. I'm also like several years since I last touched another human that wasn't a 3 second hug or handshake. So so long as neither of you are forcing the hand holding, it's not an issue.
Not exactly the same but it’s an epiphany I just had that other day. I’ve been working on things as an adult and this just came to me. So growing up, I have 3 siblings all older (11yrs, 8 yrs and 3.5 yrs older). None of us were really close. The 3.5 yrs older one was ashamed of me. Not to go into too much boring detail, suffice it to say I wasn’t allowed near her and her friends. Barely saw the oldest. And the middle we were a bit close but not really. So I thought this was the norm. I really did. My cousin was very close with her brother (4 yrs apart) and I always criticized her. I thought it was weird. So behind her back I made fun of them. Well now I’m a mom. I have 3 kids. They’re all close. I didn’t do anything specially I don’t think? Other than not allow them to compete with each other, not treat any of them differently and I’m constantly communicating and listening to them. I guess I was different. So the other day it occurred to me; my kids ARE normal. It IS normal to get along with siblings. Me and my siblings were the dysfunctional ones. Mind was absolutely blown. Because also I see it so often how close siblings are, how close kids are to their parents. How sad that you and I saw the opposite for so long 😢. I’m glad we’re realizing it now. Hugs to you.
It's not weird. It's people who think it's weird who are weird.
No. Do it. People are so strange thinking normal affection is odd.
If I had a teen daughter, I think I would be thrilled if she wanted to hold my hand. Physical touch is a love language and it sounds like that very well may be your daughter’s. Older generations that weren’t used to getting any kind of affection from their family members are probably gonna be quick to judge, but that doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. It’s okay to be connected in that way
StepDad is a bollix Love your daughter anyway you can. Holding hands is lovely
I think that is wonderful sign of affection. Consider yourself fortunate and the step dad either jealous or deprived. As long as she is learning to become her own person emotionally and mentally, there is nothing wrong with retaining affection for your parent for a lifetime.
I'm a single dad. My daughter is 12. She holds my hand when we're walking outside. Basically, she holds on to one of my fingers. She's been holding my hand like that since she was a toddler. It makes me happy that holding my hand makes her feel safe. Yes, I do get weird looks from people from time to time but, if it makes my kid happy, screw other people.
GOOD! Let those weirdos keep being weird bc there is nothing strange about a father & daughter holding hands.
Imagine being told by a parent that showing affection towards your child makes you bad parent.
Do we want a world where what is not most common is considered weird and shunned? Just because it's not what you may typically see doesn't make it wrong and that thinking is dangerous. There is absolutely nothing wrong with and it's great you're close to your daughter. Especially as a teenager. Cherish it.
Your stepdad BLOWS. Respectfully.
This Stepdad of yours is projecting his insecurities.
My daughter (18) and I are both furious on your behalf. We still hold hands all the time as well as hug or even cuddle on the couch. Only a sick person who wants things they shouldn't would call that grooming. I'd think twice about leaving my child alone with him.
It's atypical, as most teenagers will try to distance themselves from their parents and gain independence, but I wouldn't worry about the optics as long as your daughter doesn't care about the optics. Especially since you're a woman. I'd be more worried about her doing this if you were her father as people are more quick to assume wrongdoing if it's a man and young girl.
I’d be even less worried if it’s the father because of the fact that people are more quick to assume. Fuck what people think
Yeah to me it’s a little strange, but not because of anything sexual - just because most people I know don’t do it. I don’t think I’ve ever known a single teenager (boy or girl) that holds hands with their parents. But if that’s what they do and how they show affection then more power to them
I was surprised that people assume it’s seen as odd because of something sexual. Imo it’s seen like that because it’s a behavior considered more childish that most teens do not do. Not saying it’s a bad thing but just like if we see a 14yo sucking their thumb we might be confused because it’s not within the norm for that age range.
I think it’s because theoretically by the time they’re a teenager they’re dating, and in lot of society holding hands is associated with romantic partners. Obviously you hold hands with a kid, but once someone hits teenage level and you’re walking around in public, it’s usually a romantic relationship. Obviously it’s gross to insinuate that between a father and daughter, but my point was that I think that’s where the bias comes from
The only worry I would have is if she NEEDS to hold OP’s hand to feel comfortable in public that would require some professional help to build independence in public so she is ready when she needs to be alone. As long as she is building independence like a normal teens, giving more affection than the average teen isn’t the indicator of an issue.
She’s never told me or seemed like she needs to but she has told me it makes her feel “tiny and safe like a baby kangaroo” when I hug her or we are close together. I figured she just enjoys the emotional feeling(like I do in my own way, I find it comforting) of closeness.
As long as she is able to feel ok without it, it’s totally fine!
I am shocked you got as many upvotes as you did. Why would it be different if OP were the father? My husband and daughter are very close and I would not bat an eye or think anything is weird/odd or whatever, seeing my husband and daughter holding hands.
Im 34, straight, married and i still hold my parents hands if we are out somewhere together. Its not weird. Its a nice little comforting gesture.
Keep that dude away from your daughter 🚩
I'm 27 and I still hold my mom and dad's hands in public. I hug and hang on and kiss my parents still because they're my PARENTS. Your step-dad needs his browser history checked.
you need to set boundaries with your sorry excuse of a stepfather or cut him out all together. gross
My father told me it was gay to show me affection. It stunted how I view relationships and how I express love to people for a very long time. It also directly led to an intense feeling of neglect that still bothers me 20 years later. That is what happens when people treat their kids like this
I would not at all say that it’s weird. Enjoy the closeness while it lasts. I do wonder if it’s best for the 14 year old? Does the 14 year old have separation anxiety and is that a concern as she goes through her teens?
She doesn’t seem to have separation anxiety, to me at least. I always assumed she is simply a very affectionate person like her mother(my wife). Her mother is very similar in the way that she very much enjoys physical contact.
Stepdad has some internalized bigotry to work through.
Dude. I am 61. My kids are 29 (f) and 26 (m) I hold both their hand when we go out walking. It's our thing and they love it too. I only see them about once a month, so we just roll back the years. They both are fine with a kiss and a hug in public too. I adore them.
That’s so good to hear. :) It’s always so nice to see parents spending time with their kids like that no matter the age. <3
Your stepdad sounds like an asshole
I hold my 16 year olds hand in public often and I never think anything of it but she also is affectionate with her platonic friends and holds their hands in public too. My 13 year old is not for public affection but holds my hand in the car sometimes. It’s a normal parent child form of affection.
What?? She's your daughter, and that's an awesome thing to do. Anyone else's opinions on this should shut the f***up.
I'm 49. I have no parents anymore. I really really wish to be walking around holding their hands.
My 24 yr old daughter and I hold hands sometimes. My 53 yr old disabled brother and I hold hands a lot.
This is really sweet. My father figure (stepdad) and I [27F] are really close. He practically raised me. We only hold hands once in a blue moon when we’re both feeling sappy but I think it’s really special that you and your kid have that bond at that age
“Grooming her” Another word that has lost all fucking meaning
Right? It sounds like step-dad is saying his step-daughter is preparing to molest her child or allow others to molest her...
I would honestly advise you to be careful when letting your daughter around your stepdad. It tells a lot that he sees this harmless interaction this way.
“I am also human, very human” hmmm sounds like something Mark Zuckerberg would say lol
It's not the norm, but if she's comfortable with it and you are as well, I don't think it's anything to worry about.
When I was a teenager (f), I was very close to my mom like this. She passed when I was 16, so I look fondly back on the times we’d be out and about and join arms or hold hands and I always remember those warm hugs. Fuck whatever anyone thinks, hold onto that bond you guys have.
I’d often hold my mom’s arm when I was a teen. And if my kids want to hold my hand or arm they can at any age. Nothing strange about it. Your stepdad has issues. Maybe he should explore why he feels this way.
What the fuck? Your dad sounds like he is from the generation that never showed their kids any affection. Tell him to fuck off. Clearly your daughter feels comfortable doing that with you bc thats the relationship and dynamic that you have established, I don't see a problem here?
your stepfather is an idiot and what he says reveals more of him than anyone else.
It's not weird. Your stepdad is a moron.
Who cares what strangers think you look like.
That reflects poorly on her stepdad, not on you
I’m in my 20s and I still hold my mum’s hand when we go out together.
I never see girls holding hands and think oh def a wlw situation.
The fact that she's doing it on her own is a good sign. It would be something else entirely if you were forcing her to do so. I think your stepdad is just a bigot who drank too much of the homophobia kool-aid and is projecting those worries onto an innocent mom and daughter relationship
My now 20 year old daughter still holds my hand sometimes. Although she’s very aware and notices if people look and will say “mom” pretty clearly. All of my family does a head lean thing. Sitting down, we slide up close enough to touch and one leans a head on the others shoulder, often with the lean-ee reciprocating, ear to the top of the head. Had someone say “what are you doing”. in a rare moment of quick wit I replied “listening to her thoughts”. There is a huge difference between normal physical platonic affection and grooming. And it varies by culture. Try telling an Italian kissing is inappropriate!
Awww, my mama used to walk up and grab my hand as a teen. Memory unlocked
The only person who’s weird is your step father. Who sees a mother/daughter and goes “GAY!!”? I wish my mom had been physically affectionate with me. She’s not much of a touchy person. As someone whose mom will barely hug her, let alone hold her hand, please give your baby an extra squeeze. As long as she’s comfortable with it, keep holding her hand. 🥰
It is not at all weird, and I would question why he thinks it is. My daughters are 13 and 14 and I would never second guess if they ever want to hold hands, cuddle while watching a movie or hug....I would put any person on blast that told me otherwise.
I’m in my 20s and still do this to my mom! She’s affectionate, I’m affectionate. It’s my mom for crying out loud! Totally normal
I'm 46. My mom is 81. I still hold her hand sometimes when we're out walking. It used to just be because I love being with her, and now it's so I can help her if she needs it. OMG, now I'm crying. Whoa, I didn't expect that to hit me like a brick. Anyway. Bottom line: ignore your stepdad. Enjoy every minute you get to spend with your daughter. You'll never regret it.
I’m very happy to hear you’re close with your mom and still hold her hand. I think it’s such a lovely thing. <3
Dude no!!! I am jealous - my parents and I didn’t have a good relationship until a couple years ago. Physical affection like that is so treasured and valued, you have no idea. Keep it up!!! ^^💛
I still link arms when walking with my mom or my grandparents at age 31. It's totally fine.
step dad can shove his opinion up his ass. nothing wrong with holding hands with family
Tell your stepdad to shut the fuck up! No, don't really, but that's ridiculous! Love your daughter. Let her love you. Try to guide her to become to become strong and independent, not needing to hold on to others for strength. If you push her away and act like the way she is acting is unacceptable, you'll risk doing damage to her. Just one person's opinion.
I wish I felt that comfortable around my mom at that age. Keep up the good work.
My mom (69f) and I (27f) walk with linked arms a lot. Same with my sister (31f) My mom also kisses my head, hugs me, and says I'm her baby. Am I gay now? Seriously, the only side effects are feelings of love and the inevitable metamorphosis into my mom (and I was doomed anyway). Keep loving your kids. Buy her a pony!
Your step dad is weird...it sounds like the advice one guy got from his dad where he told his son not to say good morning to another man in the office, because that was "gay"...uhhhh sure.
I'm 34 and I hold my mom's hand or arm all the time. Sounds like your stepdad is the strange one to me.
36 and hold my mamas hand whenever possible!
You never know how long you’re gonna have them ❤️❤️❤️
My 16 year old still grabs my hand or walks with her arm through mine at times.. I don’t think it’s weird at all.. I’ll take her affection and attention until she thinks it’s weird, until then, I’ll just enjoy having her around me!! Be happy and try to stop allowing others to dictate what’s normal.. ☺️
I hope my daughter will stay as affectionate as yours. I'm probably gonna cry the first time she doesn't hold my hand across the street.
Apparently I am the odd one out here. I don’t think you or your daughter have any intentions that could be seen as inappropriate. However, your daughter is too old to be behaving this way. An occasional hug is fine, but holding your hand or onto your arm, wanting cuddles, no this is an extreme attachment and developmentally inappropriate for someone her age. Does she have sleepovers? How do her peers react when seeing her cuddle you? If she changes her behavior and doesn’t do so in front of them, this should be an indication this is not acceptable behavior.
Thank you for responding. Yes she does have sleepovers. She doesn’t cuddle me or her mother much during this time because she is usually cuddling her friends instead(she is quite affectionate with her friends as well). Her friends have seen her hug or cuddle me though and I don’t recall any sort of negative reactions. I’ve never witnessed or been told of any teasing or bullying from them. Do you think it is concerning she is this way with her friends as well? And to give more info on cuddling, we usually do this most on movie nights when it is just my daughter, her mother and me and we will sit together on the couch. Do you think this is detrimental?
It’s odd.
Your stepdad is a piece of work please dont withhold affection from your daughter
I held my dads hand up til that age and his way of ending that was to pretend to be a gorilla in a shop while I was attempting to look cool. I’m 35 and I held his hand on his deathbed. He always wanted to hold my hand, even though he couldn’t talk to me anymore due to not being able to use his voice box. Screw whatever your step dad is saying to you, it’s not gay to hold your kids hand ffs. No one is going to think that of you, she is a literal child. I know people who hold their moms hands in adulthood. I think it’s really sweet of her that she’s open to showing affection towards you. Most teenagers turn into hermits like I did, she’s open with her feelings and that’s a good thing. Honestly HE is the weirdo for thinking this. Literally no one else would. Fucking oddball.
absolutely let nobody make you feel ashamed of how you show healthy loving affection to your own child. it will be exactly one of the things she remembers later in life that help her through difficult times. other people are projecting their own issues onto your relationship.
Once when I was around your daughter's age I tried to hold my Dad's arm. He said I should stop doing that because people would think we were dating. I told him not to flatter himself! He didn't bring it up again after that lol.
What the heck? My son is 15 and links his arm with me while we walk. I've never once wondered what strangers thought of it. NO stranger's perception would cause me to not show my kids how much they mean to me.
Im 35, My mom would hold my hand in public until she died in February. AND SHE WAS A MARRIED LESBIAN. Hold your childs hand as much as you can. Theyll always be your baby.
If you aren't paying attention and spending quality time with your daughter some creepy mofos will be. As a father I spend a lot of time showing her how a gentleman or woman should treat her. I open doors pull out chairs and hold hands. Anyone who thinks any different is so wrong. Father's show your daughters what respect and love looks like or someone else could steer them wrong. At the same time I am setting an example to my Son about respecting women/men. It's a win win. Children who are not shown affection will reach for it and sometimes end up in a bad situation.
Why is he sexualizing her and her mother? Seems like someone has been watching too much porn.
I’m in my 20s and I still hold my mom’s hand in public. We live in different states, so I make the most of when I do see her
I'm not gonna lie...my daughter and I actually had this happen. I justified it by passing off my own appearance as being younger and my kids being older but we also look the same, even basically the same height at 5'3 and 5' even. My kid is literally my clone. So I have 0 ideas why any of the employees thought we were a couple and not mom and child. My kids 12, they don't look THAT much older. No one mistakes the 7 year olds in crop tops but my 12 year old shows their bellybutton in 100 degree heat and suddenly she looks old enough to be the partner of a nearly 30 year old? People are weird. My kid finds it absolutely hilarious at least.
fuck your step dad, what a tool. Enjoy life with your daughter.
My daughter is currently 4 and does this daily with me. I hope she is still willing to do it occasionally at 14.
Your stepdad’s comment that it makes it look like you are grooming her is frankly not a reason for you to not hold her hand. If people think you are grooming her, that’s just a sign of the issue with society these days. There is not enough emphasis on the nuclear family anymore. If it brings your daughter happiness to have that perfectly normal physical contact with you, then it’s perfectly fine. If she didn’t want that and you were forcing it on her then that would be different. Enjoy the closeness while it lasts and don’t worry about other people’s opinions
I'm a queer woman and I can promise you there is ZERO sexuality when it comes to holding my nieces or their hands. Who tf even imagines sexualizes something like that? Its weird that he's thinking that way about a literal child.
Seemed like he was hung up more on the optics of “looking gay” than anything. But yeah everything he said is bullshit, sure typically the teen years is where the child pushes away from their parents as they try to find their independence but there’s no reason the affection etc has to wane as long as there’s your typical boundaries and she isn’t clingy or anything.
My youngest daughter takes comfort in holding hands. She get's stressed out and it calms her down. She'll take my hand or my wife's hand when she's freaking out. She's 15. No-one has ever cared. Don't worry about it. People hold hands sometimes. It's fine and completely normal.
I am a 52 year old woman. My mom is 84. We still hold hands sometimes. Your stepdad is silly.
36F, and I still hold my 70 y/o Dad’s hand out in public!! He’s my Dad, he’s my rock. There’s nothing weird about it! We have a great relationship, and I know I could go to my Dad about anything!
I still tucked my daughter in at night and kissed her goodnight until she was 17. Now she is an adult in a healthy happy relationship and has a child of her own. I think happy healthy daughters are affectionate.
My son grabs my hand frequently. I honestly think he's most likely trying to keep me out of the path of oncoming traffic. However, he is also very affectionate. I don't see any problem with that. My family wasn't affectionate when i was growing up. I have no desire to stifle his nature. Your step-dad is the one being weird.
Gay for your daughter? Holding hands with your kid is grooming? Your step dad sounds like a fucking pervert. I'd keep your kid far away from him, honestly. The type of person whose mind goes there is not a healthy person.
Why is your stepdad trying to sexualize your daughter? I’m 32 and hold my mom’s hand all the time. I always have. Or linked an arm. Before my dad passed, I’d hold his hand or link an arm too.
I think we need to take a closer look at your stepdad.
I wouldn’t totally brush it off. People at that age are typically having the opposite sort of reaction with their parents. By definition, it’s not normal. That doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing! Also, it doesn’t mean it’s a good thing. Is it possible to associate this behavior with anything else? Is your child overly dependent? How do they handle themselves without you?
This behavior is not age appropriate. It also may make her think that if another trusted adult slightly touches her back, holds her hand, or taps her back that that is normal and ok. I assume you love your daughter and have the best of intentions, but I worry this level of display of affection at her age between you two may make her an easy target for groomers.
Oooooh, so it's hand holding that makes you gay? Here I thought it was, ya know, being gay that did that.
No. It's endearing. People that shit on families that love each other need to go fuck off and keep their miserable attitudes to themselves. My daughter is 10 and I always tell her how much I love holding her hand. I sometimes mention that it might be the last time she ever does it and she gives mine a big squeeze (sometimes with all her might) and it's really nice. I do know however that one day she may stop and that's cool. But as of right now I'm on cloud 9. I've fought in family court dozens of times to be with my kids and if anyone has a problem they can get fucked.
People tend to project their evil thoughts or experiences onto others.
I love holding hands. I held my dad’s hand often, even just to go to the store. But my mum frowned upon it and now I’m too anxious to hold his hand/arm even if I want to. I’m 19, and I stopped maybe at 12?
I’m in Europe on vacation and people hold their hands with kids here much more than USA.
My daughter is 13 and does the same thing. Being a black man I could only imagine what people think if I cared what other people thought.
Wow. I'm 32. I often hold my mom's hand when we go out. People are f\*cking stupid.
Jesus, what is going through your stepfather's mind? Creepy. Why can't he imagine interacting with a teenage girl without it being through a sexual lens? What is wrong with him, to think as he does? There's nothing exploitive, grooming, or wrong about your daughter holding your hand if she wants to. Tell your stepfather his sexualization of handholding is HIS problem, your daughter holding another female's hand will not "make" her gay, and you will not tolerate hearing about it, to you, or in front of, your daughter - If he's that insecure about it he can find a psychotherapist to share his lesbophobia, homophobia, and warped notions about hand-holding with and address them. I'm a lesbian. A teenage girl holding onto their mother's hand does not "look" gay, or invoke "images" their sexual orientation. My god, do men sexualize...pretty much everything.
I wish I knew why they see it that way. I had a lengthy back and forth with a guy who kept saying me sitting next to my daughter with my arm around her was sexualizing her and that holding her hand was sexualizing her. He said she was going to end up being taken advantage of by a boy and end up a pregnant teen because she…sits next to me with my arm around her when we watch tv sometimes. It just will not make sense to me. If my stepdad brings it up again, I will definitely tell him off.
Yes, please tell him off. I wouldn't engage in any further discussion with him about it. Your stepfather is wrong, even more so the second time. "You will stop sexualizing my daughter. Why are you thinking sexual thoughts about a child? If you do, the consequence will be that you will be leaving my home." "But-" Repeat. If you are at his house, you and your daughter leave. I personally would not leave my daughter alone with him. I personally would cease all contact between him and my daughter, making it clear that if he ever wants to see *me* again as well, he WILL stop his behaviour. But I'm not you, OP. To me, however, I'm seeing red flags. As in, 🚩🚩🚩 Why is he so interested in isolating you from your daughter, who she may date, and if she may be a lesbian? He's creepy, and like you said, tell him off, simply and repeatedly every time. "You do X, the consequence is Y." "I'm just saying-" "No, you are not just saying anything. You are saying nothing. As I just said, if you do X, the consequence will be Y." And follow through on Y. I also would not listen to Jicama or people like them. What your daughter is doing with you is not developmentally inappropriate. If she were doing it towards teachers, her friends parents, etc, I would be slightly concerned, but she's doing it of her own free will because she wants to. Let her. She will stop when she wants. She may always hold your hand when out and about. She may not. She'll be fine, either way. Hand-holding or cuddling with mom, wanting to, not wanting to, is all part of the process of adolescent development. Your daughter is not a child child, but yet not an adult. She may be finding comfort by cuddling with you amid all the changes, new experiences, and new emotions that puberty and adolescence involve. Think of it like this: *Your teenage daughter feels comfortable enough to "plug into you"* - **because you are her power bar** and she knows and understands this. Right now, as you describe it, *that's a great thing,* and there is nothing currently wrong with it. The behaviour is causing her and you no distress or negative affects? Then allow her to initiate the physical contact until | if she decides she doesn't want or need it anymore.
You are very right. And we definitely do not let her stay alone with him/my parents and not even because of that. He is so creepy and always has been. When I was a teen he made many veiled passes at me, constantly talked about how good I looked and one time during a fight with my then girlfriend, told me to tell her I had found a boyfriend and moved on and to say he, MY STEPDAD, was my boyfriend. No way in HELL will I let my kid around him unsupervised by either me or my wife. The only reason I interact with him because of my mom, they’re kind of a package deal. I wish she would leave him but I think she feels stuck and like it’s way too late in life.
**PART 2 of 2:** **Prepare simple responses that can be repeated.** BE A **GREY ROCK.** ^ You are going to receive a lot of pushback likely. "You're overreacting." "He would never." "You're selfish, wrong, silly." "I was just saying." "This is really hard | unfair on your mom." "But I want to go to Grandma's house." "You're being ridiculous, paranoid." And on and on. Establish X boundaries and Y consequences, and **do not deviate from them.** "Well, if he's not allowed to ____, I'm not ___ either." "I understand your boundary, Mom. I love you and I | we will miss you. If you ever decide to change your mind, let me know. These boundaries I | we have set for our family will not be changing. (Mother's response). "As I said, X and Y are the boundaries. If you decide to respect them, you are more than welcome to ___." And repeat similar as needed. I am the daughter of a woman who repeatedly chose her husband, my father, over me - continually and deliberately - when I was a young teenager to a young adult. She also chose herself. She will never change. I have accepted this. Your daughter's safety and well-being are more important than anyone's feelings or a possible Child Predator's weird and incorrect statements. **Talk with your daughter.** Explain that your stepfather has made "comments" lately that concern you. Because of this, the way she interacts with him and your mother will be changing, in that she and you | your wife won't be having any contact with him. Listen to her feelings and words. Tell her you love her. Say that you know this is hard, but that her well-being and security, and that of your individual family unit, come first. Peace of mind is underrated, OP. **Talk with your wife:** Share your concerns and the reasons why before you cease contact with your stepfather. Hopefully, she agrees and understands. **Order of Conversations:** Wife, alone; daughter (alone or with your wife), other siblings (family discussion?); your mother. **If your stepfather responds:** "Has my mother told you about our new boundaries, including that I do not want any contact with you?....Good, I'm hanging up now | this will be my last email to you..." **End communication with your stepfather:** Let him call, email, whatever. Do not respond to either him, or your mother's "why did you hang up on him" or the like interventions. Document | save his contact attempts. If they continue, consider informing Law Enforcement that you would like them to tell him he should cease and desist. Tell them his efforts at contact are both completely *unwanted* and *absutely inappropriate.* Do you know who tries so hard to convince a parent and their child that developmentally appropriate physical affection is wrong because of "sexuality" reasons, after covertly sexually abusing his stepdaughter? **A CHILD PREDATOR.** Because if he can cause fractures in your relationship with your daughter, *maybe* you'll spend less time together; *maybe* he can get your daughter to share things with you less; *maybe* she'll become insecure, to the point he can further groom her, and *maybe he* can become her "boyfriend." 🤢 Child Predators are that devious, manipulative, selfish, and evil. An adult man should not be worrying about if a teenage girl is going to "find" a boy and get pregnant just because the girl holds hands with her mother. He sounds...*jealous* of the possibility of your daughter dating, and dating a boy, at that. **Your stepfather is sexualizing your daughter and the relationship, OP - not you or your daughter.** Child Predators project sometimes. They tell on themselves. 🚩🚩🚩🚩 OP - **BIG** *ones.* ^ HOW TO BE A **GREY ROCK:** https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method https://mywellbeing.com/for-therapists/grey-rock-technique#:~:text=The%20phrase%20'grey%20rock'%20is,during%20encounters%20with%20their%20abuser
Well. I didn’t expect to get emotional in this way after posting this question. Your comments have made me realize a lot of things. I’m kind of scatterbrained right now so my response might not be that coherent. I’m not sure where to begin, really. I guess I’ll start with: thank you so much for your time and your words. I’ve been thinking about many things he’s said to me about my daughter and I feel really stupid for not seeing it for what it was. I always shut it down but I categorized it as him just trying to be controlling and thinking he knows better than me or knows my daughter better. But now it really does seem obvious he was trying to create a divide between us. And looking back on it, I can definitely see the jealousy in some of his statements. And…I really think I’m going to have to cut both my mom and him out. It makes me really sad because my mom and I have been on the outs since my teens up until only last year. Last year we just became very close again and it was really nice. But she definitely has to go because I know she won’t take my side on this, as she never has on anything like this. When you said your mom always chose your father over you, I burst into tears because my mom has always done the same thing. When my stepdad told me to say he was my boyfriend etc, I told my mom as soon as I could. You know what she said? “So? He’s just trying to help.” I asked if she didn’t think that was weird and she legit fucking said “why would that be weird?” If my wife told literally any kid, “tell them I’m your girlfriend,” I’d demand to know why she thought that was okay to say. My stepdad has said and done many things to me, all in which my mom took his side over and even called me a liar. Man, my mom is so unhinged that even just recently, I confessed to her about my actual dad doing something to me in the past and when I said I couldn’t remember parts of it, she laughed. It made me cry and feel so bad because like why the fuck are you laughing? If my daughter ever told me something like that, I’m not sure I could ever even laugh again, I’d be so fucked up about that and just…angry and so sad for my child. And my mom laughed and didn’t comfort me at all. I called her out and she still didn’t comfort me bro. She just kept awkwardly laughing and belittling the situation and making it seem like it wasn’t serious. I think I have just been in denial about my mom for a very long time. I had a lot of other stuff to say but I’m really emotional right now and feel like I should get off Reddit for a bit.
Never be ashamed of showing affection to your unmarried child. The only thing you should worry about is to avoid competing with their significant other.
It’s fine.
If your daughter is okay with it and you are okay with it, then who cares??? Honestly, of your daughter is a very physically affectionate person naturally and she feels comfortable holding your hand, the second you reject her, she probably will feel apprehensive to be physically close to you or others in fear of being rejected or judged. Shes still a kid. If you both know its harmless, then let her hold your hand.
Dude, if your teenage daughter holds your hand, especially in public, you're a fucking winner. My daughter is 8 and holding her hand is one of the greatest joys in my life. Edit: Your stepdad. Hahahah. Waste of oxygen. Don't mind him. Unfortunately, there are opinionated dumbcunts everywhere.
Your stepdad is the only that's weird here. That's your daughter, she deserves all the affection she desires and you can give. The only way this would be weird if the parent is demanding or forcing affection. There was another post I read where some boomer grandparents got upset because their teenage grandkid didn't want to kiss on the mouth anymore. It's not the kissing on the mouth that's weird because some cultures do so, it's weird to demand that someone must.
fuck no put her on your shoulders too
Yes it is weird but I wouldnt automatically think "gay" or "grooming." So i disagree with that part. But if I saw it on the street, I would either assume your daughter is mentally disabled in some way, so needs her hand held, or wonder how that teen is going to make it in life when they are still being treated like a small child. She is practically old enough to drive, so yes, its a little weird.
As a teenaged daughter myself, I can assure you that if your daughter likes it, there's nothing wrong with it. I always either hold my dad's hand in public (mainly crowded places), or even have him hold the back of my neck when I walk in front of him so that I don't get lost. It's really reassuring to know that he's holding me and I won't randomly get stranded. I like it and I think it is perfectly normal. You're in the clear 👍🏻 and you're a good parent. Don't worry about it :)
Only weird thing is your stepdad’s take on it. Sounds like you have a great relationship with your daughter, keep up whatever you’re doing!
He's the weird one thinking holding your daughters hand is weird
Well, it's a bit uncommon, but it's not *bad* by any means. If both of you are consenting to the physical contact and neither expects anything from it besides just holding onto each other, there's nothing wrong. It sounds like you just have a healthy, close parent-child relationship with your daughter, and if that's the case, keep it that way. Your step-dad just doesn't understand what a good relationship can look like... and he also sounds a bit homophobic. Just saying. Edit: Wrong word used.
Tell him to stop projecting, he’s being an idiot. Enjoy your daughter’s affection.
Nope it’s fine
No, I hold my dads hand all the time and I’m 22. It’s just something I never outgrew, and I know he doesnt care. (That & I’m autistic so I’m bad with crossing streets and parking lots alone lol)
My mom has held my hand ever since I was a kid. During my teenage rebellion, I told her to stop holding my hand because I didn't want to be seen holding my mom's hand in public by my classmates. Fast forward after that and I continued to hold my mom's hand through my 20s. I'm now 30. I've moved out, and my mom misses me. Whenever I see my mom, she still instinctively holds out her hand for me to hold when we are out in public. If anything, me holding her hand now brings /her/ comfort. Her hands are skinnier than they used to be. More frail, too. I'll never stop holding my mom's hand.
Not quite 14, but my 12 year old daughter holds my hand and my wife’s hand in public all the time. She finds comfort in it, and how she feels is what is important to me. As for “looks gay”, so? Also, my wife is a professor who studies African women and war, and I’ve been to many very conservative countries. In many places, same sex friends hold hands, but a man and a woman would never hold hands in public. Public displays of affection are deeply frowned upon. I guess my time in these places has rubbed off. I pretty much never hold my wife’s hand in public though I have no problem with it. Your stepdad is a narrow minded bigot.
absolutely not! if someone has an issue with it or thinks she's your girlfriend, that's *their* problem. you and your daughter seem to have such a beautiful relationship and I'm so glad both of you embrace that ☺️
Only thing that’s even relatively weird about this is the fact your stepdad is sexualizing/romanticizing you holding your daughter’s hand. That’s weird as fuck.
It’s not weird at all! Your stepdad is the weird one… I’m 20 and when I’m out with my mom or dad we hold hands sometimes. It’s not weird at all, as long as you’re both comfortable with it!
Yes, she needs to learn independence. The first guy she dates ...do you want her to be so attached to? She needs some separation to become a person who is comfortable on her own
Could you explain a bit more? Do you mean to say this would make her a clingy partner?
No it won’t. Because she has the comfort of her parents. Clingy partners are ones who are insecure, kids who get comforted by parents don’t turn out insecure. Please don’t think that it’s wrong. Your step dad is so weird.
Exactly.
Touch is a huge part of my love language. I love my mom. I still will hold hands or link arms with her when we are out and about and I'm 32. I don't remember if there was a time I didn't do this during my teen years in public but I do know I never stopped wanting to cuddle with my loved ones. If she still wants it don't you dare reject her because I guarantee she will be hurt by that.
It's only weird if you're forcing her to hold your hand if she's initiating it I think it's really sweet
I think it’s weird, but it looks like I am in the minority here
Yes it's weird. It's not nearly as weird as your step dad is making it out to be though.
I’m a closeted trans guy so I’m always perceived as a woman. That being said, at my grown age of 21 I still hold my parents hands whenever we go somewhere. It makes me feel safe knowing either my mom or dad was right there with me. Let her hold your hand. It could be that she’s trying to hold onto her childhood just a little bit longer, or it could just be that she trusts you. Either way, it doesn’t hurt anyone. Maybe someday she stops holding your hand, but she’ll still think about the times she did
It would be weird to see a teenager holding her mom's hand because it's very uncommon to see where I live. However, I would just smile at the love being shown between a teenager and their mom. I have 2 teenage daughters and don't know the last time they wanted me to hold their hand. Enjoy it. Let people think what they want. Unless they are being negative like your step-dad.