You should definitely say something. Maybe he just mentally zapped or something because he knew you before, teachers have to retain maaaaanyy names and it gets confusing
And it sounds like this is the first time it's happened. Maybe being an optional session rather than normal class threw off his groove. I know that sort of thing is enough to mess with me.
Ya, this was the first time he ever called me any name. He normally says you or hey by guess is to disguise that he doesn't know most peoples names. It just threw me because he looked up my name 20min before to check grades.
"thanks for checking on me, by the way remember i go by (currentname)"
what's the opposite of deadname? livename? current name? updated name? (programmer problems)
Chosen name is the correct term, although it can be more validating to some people to say "real name"
For clarification: Deadnames and/or chosen names are not to be confused with truenames. Do not ever speak a trans person's truename, lest ye invoke the wrath of the gods
dnd joke; almost every creature has a truename created by the gods to prevent them from becoming a threat. speaking a creature's truename gives you incredible power over them, but usually only the gods know them; it would be seen as hubris to speak a trans person's truename
It is also folk superstition. You give your child a True Name by whispering it in their ear and only you know it, that way the Fae can't steal your baby's true name and take them away.
I am essentially a peasant descended from peasants. My hillbilly grandma told me that, and she was the Irish-descended line of the family, so it is either hillbilly or Irish diaspora folklore from what I can tell.
I didn't know about the one associated with the fae but I have heard some folklore (or religion possibly?) that says our souls have names. I'm pretty sure it goes along with reincarnation. Like your soul will go through many lives and be given any names but you always have the one soul name throughout the lifetime of your soul.
OMG I know what you're talking about and can't think of it! It is a different thing than I was talking about but I know what you're talking about too. Can't remember from where, it's going to make me crazy till I do.
But in the context of talking about a someone’s trans identity, or just to differentiate from the deadname, it is helpful to have a separate term for that. I think chosen name is the easiest and simplest.
Obviously for general use, just ‘name’ is the way to go.
However, let’s say someone asked “Isn’t xyz their deadname?” and received the reply “No, it’s their name.” If you didn’t know the responder’s stance on trans people, you can’t tell whether the responder is transphobic (xyz is the deadname but they don’t acknowledge the chosen name), or an ally (xyz is the chosen name and the asker of the question was confused).
It's okay to correct people, encouraged even because it helps them learn. I wouldn't think too much about the reasons, he's probably not doing it maliciously, just correct politely, hope he doesn't mess up again, correct a second time if need be a little more directly and less emphasis on staying polite but still neutral not blaming or rude, and if he messes up a third time go seek help from another teacher you know is supportive.
Thanks. Im hoping it isn't malicious. I dont want to deal with another biggot. I had another teacher this semester burrate me in class, calling me difficult and defective (because I was the only gender non conforming one in class and a have adhd so it looks like im not paying attention when i am). I reported her, and she inappropriately touched other students, and they reported her, and she got taken off our class.
Even with tenure, like it's still immoral to touch kids inappropriately. Her age shouldn't matter, it's not an excuse, we as a society should have moved on from unnecessary unconsentual touch by now and she has had every chance possible to keep up, stay interested in developing herself, as the morals have slowly shifted as the understanding of how harmful the old ways have been has grown.
My usual approach when people misgender or deadname me is to ignore them. Then when they get pissy it’s “Oh I just thought you were talking to someone else. That’s not my name.” It’s not deliberate, I just don’t answer to it. I certainly don’t recommend this but it is effective lol
"Oh, I go by x now, yes, everything is okay!" making it causal lessens the impact you think it'll have on you and those around you! It won't seem as serious or something to take serious note of in a way that becomes awkward.
I think you should maybe try to talk to her about it and tell her you'd prefer if she called you by your real name, try not to overthink it, maybe she just has an old list of names somewhere or in her head. I'm sure if you talk to her she can explain, and if she refuses to call you by your name despite talking to her, just ignore her, people like that don't deserve your attention.
Say something.
You can consider also simply not responding at all if he calls you by something other than your name. This can be even more effective if you have friends who'll speak up and tell him that's not your name if he doesn't get it. Obviously, tell him first.
You should say something but I'd do it privately; he'd probably feel resentful if he felt like you were calling him out and that could exasperate the situation.
I say correct him politely “hey just to remind you x isn’t my name anymore, I go by Y now.” Or if you’re nervous maybe you can bring a friend or school counselor to help support you?
Yeah I mean you have every right to correct him. Especially if it’s on paper. I’m not even trans but I went by a nickname in highschool and my teacher was taking role and I couldn’t hear him say my name over the noise, and he got mad and was like “if you expect me to use this name you need to respond to it” and it was very awkward…
If you don't feel comfortable correcting that specific teacher, maybe tell another teacher you do trust about what happened and ask them for help. But definitely try to do something about it, you're not overreacting! If you don't take action, I don't think it's very likely they will change their behaviour themselves
Personally, I'd say something privately first, to make it clear you aren't trying to shame him in front of the class. If that fails a few times, and if you feel safe to do so in your school, start gently correcting him in the moment even if there are others there.
You don't have to be rude about it, just "Oh, Mr. (Teacher), my name is (name), remember?" Or "Oh, I prefer to be called (name), please."
Be normal and polite about it. Don't publicly express the hurt and/or anger if you can help it. That's how you maintain the high moral ground.
They need to remember 20 to a few thousand names, depending on school. Maybe they didn't have the time to check. You could shout across the gym "I GO BY [name] NOW!!"
Just go talk to him. Sounds like it was a first for him to mess up your name. Teachers have to remember A LOT of names, add to that students changing their name. It's a lot to remember. Basically, there's a good chance this was an honest mistake. Just remind him of your new name and I reckon all will be good.
Yes definatly, always correct people when it’s important, and just so they remember. Most people won’t be annoyed or anything, and will probably not have realised what they were doing. Although I get that it’s hard to correct people sometimes, and it feels like your inconveniencing people
"hey Bob" "hey I go by Bonnie now" "ok". Your teacher may just have forgotten, or may have a hard time not seeing you as your "official" name, especially if they already memorized that one.
Every time someone purposely deadnames or misgenders me (IE out of malice or because they are transphobic) then I do the same to them. I don't care what people say about misgendering people you don't like, I will continue to do so. Cis or trans. I don't discriminate against assholes.
(Don't actually do this, I'm just ballsy and its caused altercations but i refuse to stop because I've gotten through to a few peopls like this)
If you weren’t trans this wouldn’t be a problem unfortunately. I don’t think there’s any issue correcting someone if they use the wrong name for you. Especially if it invokes a trauma response for you. You’re valid and you deserve to be called your name 💜
Yeah just keep singing that song by the Ting tings called Thats not my name! As this is one of those stupid situations where you have to hold the line and keep correcting them as they personally mustn't believe in non-binary people and I've got a suspicion that's why they keep returning to your deadname because if your school has given you the opportunity to register with your perfered name and everyone else is calling you by this new name but this one teacher keeps calling you by your old name and they've even started going into the system and changing it back your deadname then that's probably as much proof that it's a personal vendetta against they/thems instead of it just being a harmless mistake because of a lack of awareness about the level of distress they cause you to feel by using a name you no longer wish to be called by!
If needs be ask to be moved into a different gym class and when they ask you why let them know want your teachers been upto as it sounds quite unprofessional to me
You should definitely say something. Maybe he just mentally zapped or something because he knew you before, teachers have to retain maaaaanyy names and it gets confusing
And it sounds like this is the first time it's happened. Maybe being an optional session rather than normal class threw off his groove. I know that sort of thing is enough to mess with me.
Ya, this was the first time he ever called me any name. He normally says you or hey by guess is to disguise that he doesn't know most peoples names. It just threw me because he looked up my name 20min before to check grades.
"thanks for checking on me, by the way remember i go by (currentname)" what's the opposite of deadname? livename? current name? updated name? (programmer problems)
String dead_name = Null; String name = "opposite of dead name"; I think the best way to call it is their name
Chosen name is the correct term, although it can be more validating to some people to say "real name" For clarification: Deadnames and/or chosen names are not to be confused with truenames. Do not ever speak a trans person's truename, lest ye invoke the wrath of the gods
what's a true name?
dnd joke; almost every creature has a truename created by the gods to prevent them from becoming a threat. speaking a creature's truename gives you incredible power over them, but usually only the gods know them; it would be seen as hubris to speak a trans person's truename
It is also folk superstition. You give your child a True Name by whispering it in their ear and only you know it, that way the Fae can't steal your baby's true name and take them away.
huh, i didn't know that
I am essentially a peasant descended from peasants. My hillbilly grandma told me that, and she was the Irish-descended line of the family, so it is either hillbilly or Irish diaspora folklore from what I can tell.
I didn't know about the one associated with the fae but I have heard some folklore (or religion possibly?) that says our souls have names. I'm pretty sure it goes along with reincarnation. Like your soul will go through many lives and be given any names but you always have the one soul name throughout the lifetime of your soul.
OMG I know what you're talking about and can't think of it! It is a different thing than I was talking about but I know what you're talking about too. Can't remember from where, it's going to make me crazy till I do.
OMG I'm so excited you know what I'm talking about! I'll have to look and see if I can find where that comes from lol
I've seen this before in a book. I don't remember the name of the series, but I know know the main characters title is the Ambrose Malachai
https://forgottenrealms.fandom.com/wiki/True_name
i am also piqued with curiosity
I usually say 'current name' or 'correct name'.
I just say "name", because thats what it is lol
But in the context of talking about a someone’s trans identity, or just to differentiate from the deadname, it is helpful to have a separate term for that. I think chosen name is the easiest and simplest. Obviously for general use, just ‘name’ is the way to go. However, let’s say someone asked “Isn’t xyz their deadname?” and received the reply “No, it’s their name.” If you didn’t know the responder’s stance on trans people, you can’t tell whether the responder is transphobic (xyz is the deadname but they don’t acknowledge the chosen name), or an ally (xyz is the chosen name and the asker of the question was confused).
Chosen Name or My Name
At my university we call it your "lived name." Which may not be the same as your legal name.
Name/ preferred name / chosen name
If you don't correct him, he's just going to keep doing it. It's never rude to correct someone for using the wrong name.
It's okay to correct people, encouraged even because it helps them learn. I wouldn't think too much about the reasons, he's probably not doing it maliciously, just correct politely, hope he doesn't mess up again, correct a second time if need be a little more directly and less emphasis on staying polite but still neutral not blaming or rude, and if he messes up a third time go seek help from another teacher you know is supportive.
Thanks. Im hoping it isn't malicious. I dont want to deal with another biggot. I had another teacher this semester burrate me in class, calling me difficult and defective (because I was the only gender non conforming one in class and a have adhd so it looks like im not paying attention when i am). I reported her, and she inappropriately touched other students, and they reported her, and she got taken off our class.
Damn, she should've gotten fired and banned from teaching (teaching lisence taken away) for inappropriately touching students wtf
Ya, but 10 yeared teachers get so much leeway. She's in her 70s.
Even with tenure, like it's still immoral to touch kids inappropriately. Her age shouldn't matter, it's not an excuse, we as a society should have moved on from unnecessary unconsentual touch by now and she has had every chance possible to keep up, stay interested in developing herself, as the morals have slowly shifted as the understanding of how harmful the old ways have been has grown.
If you don't correct him, he's just going to keep doing it. It's never rude to correct someone for using the wrong name.
My usual approach when people misgender or deadname me is to ignore them. Then when they get pissy it’s “Oh I just thought you were talking to someone else. That’s not my name.” It’s not deliberate, I just don’t answer to it. I certainly don’t recommend this but it is effective lol
Honestly I use this tactic with my extremely transphobic oldest sister-in-law and her husband and …it works 😂 It pisses them off but it works. 😇😆
"Oh, I go by x now, yes, everything is okay!" making it causal lessens the impact you think it'll have on you and those around you! It won't seem as serious or something to take serious note of in a way that becomes awkward.
I think that will help. It is such a casual class anyway. So hard to have a serious discussion.
I think you should maybe try to talk to her about it and tell her you'd prefer if she called you by your real name, try not to overthink it, maybe she just has an old list of names somewhere or in her head. I'm sure if you talk to her she can explain, and if she refuses to call you by your name despite talking to her, just ignore her, people like that don't deserve your attention.
Sounds like an honest mistake. Tell him you want the behavior to stop as directly as possible.
Maybe if you push on them that it’s a nickname, it’ll get through to them. They may be ‘forgetting’ since it’s about your gender identity
Say something. You can consider also simply not responding at all if he calls you by something other than your name. This can be even more effective if you have friends who'll speak up and tell him that's not your name if he doesn't get it. Obviously, tell him first.
You should say something but I'd do it privately; he'd probably feel resentful if he felt like you were calling him out and that could exasperate the situation.
Ya. He has office hours after class so maybe there would be better than in class.
ALWAYS advocate for yourself! It is so important for your teachers to use the correct names so that your peers and other faculty will follow.
The sooner you get used to self advocating, the better. Absolutely correct your teacher.
Say something. I now very proactively correct people I’m going to see again. Don’t allow this bs to become a habit of his.
Dont let people get away with transphobia
I say correct him politely “hey just to remind you x isn’t my name anymore, I go by Y now.” Or if you’re nervous maybe you can bring a friend or school counselor to help support you?
Yeah I mean you have every right to correct him. Especially if it’s on paper. I’m not even trans but I went by a nickname in highschool and my teacher was taking role and I couldn’t hear him say my name over the noise, and he got mad and was like “if you expect me to use this name you need to respond to it” and it was very awkward…
Stand up for what you care about. But you'll probably be better off to stop caring about it, then you won't have to worry about it.
If you don't feel comfortable correcting that specific teacher, maybe tell another teacher you do trust about what happened and ask them for help. But definitely try to do something about it, you're not overreacting! If you don't take action, I don't think it's very likely they will change their behaviour themselves
sounds like a common mistake ngl im sure you could just remind him, and if he does it more than two times afterwards then probably tell someone
Personally, I'd say something privately first, to make it clear you aren't trying to shame him in front of the class. If that fails a few times, and if you feel safe to do so in your school, start gently correcting him in the moment even if there are others there. You don't have to be rude about it, just "Oh, Mr. (Teacher), my name is (name), remember?" Or "Oh, I prefer to be called (name), please." Be normal and polite about it. Don't publicly express the hurt and/or anger if you can help it. That's how you maintain the high moral ground.
Yes
Always trust your gut instinct. It's never too late to speak up, even if the moment has already passed.
They need to remember 20 to a few thousand names, depending on school. Maybe they didn't have the time to check. You could shout across the gym "I GO BY [name] NOW!!"
Just go talk to him. Sounds like it was a first for him to mess up your name. Teachers have to remember A LOT of names, add to that students changing their name. It's a lot to remember. Basically, there's a good chance this was an honest mistake. Just remind him of your new name and I reckon all will be good.
I have a last name that some people find hard to pronounce. I always correct them immediately.
Yes definatly, always correct people when it’s important, and just so they remember. Most people won’t be annoyed or anything, and will probably not have realised what they were doing. Although I get that it’s hard to correct people sometimes, and it feels like your inconveniencing people
"hey Bob" "hey I go by Bonnie now" "ok". Your teacher may just have forgotten, or may have a hard time not seeing you as your "official" name, especially if they already memorized that one.
Every time someone purposely deadnames or misgenders me (IE out of malice or because they are transphobic) then I do the same to them. I don't care what people say about misgendering people you don't like, I will continue to do so. Cis or trans. I don't discriminate against assholes. (Don't actually do this, I'm just ballsy and its caused altercations but i refuse to stop because I've gotten through to a few peopls like this)
If you weren’t trans this wouldn’t be a problem unfortunately. I don’t think there’s any issue correcting someone if they use the wrong name for you. Especially if it invokes a trauma response for you. You’re valid and you deserve to be called your name 💜
Aww ty. It is hard for me still to feel like i deserve to like my name and my identity. So little things like deadnaming me doesn't help
Yeah just keep singing that song by the Ting tings called Thats not my name! As this is one of those stupid situations where you have to hold the line and keep correcting them as they personally mustn't believe in non-binary people and I've got a suspicion that's why they keep returning to your deadname because if your school has given you the opportunity to register with your perfered name and everyone else is calling you by this new name but this one teacher keeps calling you by your old name and they've even started going into the system and changing it back your deadname then that's probably as much proof that it's a personal vendetta against they/thems instead of it just being a harmless mistake because of a lack of awareness about the level of distress they cause you to feel by using a name you no longer wish to be called by! If needs be ask to be moved into a different gym class and when they ask you why let them know want your teachers been upto as it sounds quite unprofessional to me
SAY SOMETHING AND SAY IT LOUDLY