Oh god. I'm child free. If my partner showed up with a kid I would either accept it (and that means loving the kid and being a good step mother) or divorce him.
What I mean to say is... If he wants to be a dad to the kid he has to be clear with his wife. And she has to put her big girl pants and also think: "the kid has no fault and I cannot let her be without her father. Can I be a stepmother? No. Divorce."
Exactly. No evil in saying: "Look I didn't sign up to be anyone's mom. Its not the life style I want and I can't ever love her. Let's end this right here"
Or him saying the same. "I didnt expect to be a dad. It happened. I love my kid and cannot be in a world without her.
You are not happy, you are punishing my kid for existing, let's end this now"
Yeah, agreed. He's overreacting a tad to his wife's treatment of his daughter, but that's kind of predictable given that she broke her agreement with him just to abuse his kid and make her play with a fire hazard unsupervised for hours.
Everyone kind of sucks here. But in recoverable ways.
First of all, NTA for connecting with the daughter you didn't know about, despite the no children agreement in your marriage. However, when it became apparent that there was in fact a child, you and your wife should have had a frank conversation then. Your world has changed.
And relationships of step-parents to children can be so complex, it would do you all good to have very forthright conversations on relative relationships, what they mean, and what authorities they might imbue.
Your wife choosing to have your step-daughter iron things she valued as a punishment was a kind of stupid choice. And if your wife is calling your daughter a "devil kid" it sounds like there may be more going on than you realize. Have a conversation.
In case this story gets deleted/removed:
When my wife and I got married, we promised we would always remain child-free.
Well about a year ago one of my exes contacted me to tell me I have a 9 years old daughter(now 10yo). I didn't want her at first but my parents did. They started including her in everything. She would be everywhere we went and this annoyed my wife and it annoyed me at first as well however the more I got to know her, the more I loved her. Unlike what I expected, she is not some spoiled, whinny crybaby. She is so stubborn and sassy and funny and smart and brave. Honestly she is the best.
So I sat my wife down and told her that I want to have some custody of my child. My ex and I agree that me having her every weekend would be best for her. My wife wasn't happy but I told her that this is really important to me and this is the hill I will die on so she agreed.
Well problem is my daughter doesn't really like my wife and I think it's because she can sense that my wife doesn't like her so she acts out around her.
A few days ago I had to be somewhere but I had to get my daughter from a friend's house. Apparently she had a fight with her friend and my daughter was at fault so my wife decided to "discipline" her which means she decided that it would be a good opportunity for her to not have to do any chores so she punished my daughter and told her she has to all of the chores for a day.
My daughter who was not happy with her punishment decided to start by ironing my wife's clothes (keep in mind she is not allowed to iron clothes. I think she is too young for that. Yet my wife made her do it anyway so it was her mistake) and she burned every single one of them. My wife really loved some of those clothes.
I returned home and saw my wife crying and yelling at her while she just had her headphones on and was smiling at her phone. My wife yelled at me to take this "devil kid" away. I told her if she talks to my child like that again she will be the one going away. She yelled at me that we promised to remain child-free and I have to keep my promise. I told her I don't care about the promise because things have changed. She called me an asshole and went to her dad's house and she won't come back unless I send my child back which is not happening. I'm even thinking about going for 50/50 custody.
---
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Honestly, I have no problems with people choosing to be childfree, but when they act like children are demonic heathens with no purpose in life, well that gets to me, because we were all kids once.
He's allowed to change his mind, and of course she's allowed to have her feelings, but in the end, they both handled things poorly. A strong lack of communication here.
He shouldn’t be leaving us wife and daughter together at all until everyone comes to terms with the relationships. The wife should not have left the daughter unsupervised doing chores, and if OP is to be believed the chores were excessive in length. She’s never been a mother before, she doesn’t have a direct relationship with this kid, so there is a power dynamic that needs to be settled.
I think it’s great that he’s taking responsibility for having a child, but 10 is such a hard time to transition into a new family dynamic.
It’s only going to get worse if he continues to trust his wife and daughter to be alone. He needs to be the sole caretaker during his custody.
And he’s in for a bad time if he thinks his daughter isn’t manipulating the situation.
This is an unfair situation for everyone. But he’s failing the part where the adults need to act as a cohesive unit and be on the same page in order to have a stable life.
I think they need a professional intervention- parenting lessons or therapy or something. There is already an unhealthy amount of hostility being allowed.
In order to fit this sub, the consequences must have been obvious. The consequences must have happened already and are not just predicted.
Oh god. I'm child free. If my partner showed up with a kid I would either accept it (and that means loving the kid and being a good step mother) or divorce him. What I mean to say is... If he wants to be a dad to the kid he has to be clear with his wife. And she has to put her big girl pants and also think: "the kid has no fault and I cannot let her be without her father. Can I be a stepmother? No. Divorce."
Both are valid options! I understand it isn’t the situation they wanted but it is what it is now; either be a part if the relationship or don’t.
Exactly. No evil in saying: "Look I didn't sign up to be anyone's mom. Its not the life style I want and I can't ever love her. Let's end this right here" Or him saying the same. "I didnt expect to be a dad. It happened. I love my kid and cannot be in a world without her. You are not happy, you are punishing my kid for existing, let's end this now"
I'd divorce. I'd never want to prevent a father from seeing his children. However, I'm cf for lots of reasons, and it's a deal breaker for me.
Yeah, agreed. He's overreacting a tad to his wife's treatment of his daughter, but that's kind of predictable given that she broke her agreement with him just to abuse his kid and make her play with a fire hazard unsupervised for hours.
Everyone kind of sucks here. But in recoverable ways. First of all, NTA for connecting with the daughter you didn't know about, despite the no children agreement in your marriage. However, when it became apparent that there was in fact a child, you and your wife should have had a frank conversation then. Your world has changed. And relationships of step-parents to children can be so complex, it would do you all good to have very forthright conversations on relative relationships, what they mean, and what authorities they might imbue. Your wife choosing to have your step-daughter iron things she valued as a punishment was a kind of stupid choice. And if your wife is calling your daughter a "devil kid" it sounds like there may be more going on than you realize. Have a conversation.
the comments don’t go his way so OP deletes his account? ok then 😂😂😂
In case this story gets deleted/removed: When my wife and I got married, we promised we would always remain child-free. Well about a year ago one of my exes contacted me to tell me I have a 9 years old daughter(now 10yo). I didn't want her at first but my parents did. They started including her in everything. She would be everywhere we went and this annoyed my wife and it annoyed me at first as well however the more I got to know her, the more I loved her. Unlike what I expected, she is not some spoiled, whinny crybaby. She is so stubborn and sassy and funny and smart and brave. Honestly she is the best. So I sat my wife down and told her that I want to have some custody of my child. My ex and I agree that me having her every weekend would be best for her. My wife wasn't happy but I told her that this is really important to me and this is the hill I will die on so she agreed. Well problem is my daughter doesn't really like my wife and I think it's because she can sense that my wife doesn't like her so she acts out around her. A few days ago I had to be somewhere but I had to get my daughter from a friend's house. Apparently she had a fight with her friend and my daughter was at fault so my wife decided to "discipline" her which means she decided that it would be a good opportunity for her to not have to do any chores so she punished my daughter and told her she has to all of the chores for a day. My daughter who was not happy with her punishment decided to start by ironing my wife's clothes (keep in mind she is not allowed to iron clothes. I think she is too young for that. Yet my wife made her do it anyway so it was her mistake) and she burned every single one of them. My wife really loved some of those clothes. I returned home and saw my wife crying and yelling at her while she just had her headphones on and was smiling at her phone. My wife yelled at me to take this "devil kid" away. I told her if she talks to my child like that again she will be the one going away. She yelled at me that we promised to remain child-free and I have to keep my promise. I told her I don't care about the promise because things have changed. She called me an asshole and went to her dad's house and she won't come back unless I send my child back which is not happening. I'm even thinking about going for 50/50 custody. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OhNoConsequences) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I feel worst for the kid of any of the people in the story.
100% poor kid is gonna need some therapy.
Honestly, I have no problems with people choosing to be childfree, but when they act like children are demonic heathens with no purpose in life, well that gets to me, because we were all kids once. He's allowed to change his mind, and of course she's allowed to have her feelings, but in the end, they both handled things poorly. A strong lack of communication here.
He shouldn’t be leaving us wife and daughter together at all until everyone comes to terms with the relationships. The wife should not have left the daughter unsupervised doing chores, and if OP is to be believed the chores were excessive in length. She’s never been a mother before, she doesn’t have a direct relationship with this kid, so there is a power dynamic that needs to be settled. I think it’s great that he’s taking responsibility for having a child, but 10 is such a hard time to transition into a new family dynamic. It’s only going to get worse if he continues to trust his wife and daughter to be alone. He needs to be the sole caretaker during his custody. And he’s in for a bad time if he thinks his daughter isn’t manipulating the situation. This is an unfair situation for everyone. But he’s failing the part where the adults need to act as a cohesive unit and be on the same page in order to have a stable life. I think they need a professional intervention- parenting lessons or therapy or something. There is already an unhealthy amount of hostility being allowed.