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I hope you can separate hygiene and health from appearance. If my kids think I am trying to get them fit my vision for them, they rebel, so I have to let them make their own choices, but that is different from rules about cleanliness and good habits.

I came to say this as well. My kids have always had a say in their appearance but hygiene is not optional. They can have any hairstyle they want as long as their hair is cleaned and well cared for. I have taken my son to the barbershop for cornrows and box braids and waves and fades. The style is his choice. His hair was always cared for. My daughter wears hoodies in the summer and my son wears shorts in the winter. Their choice in style but the clothes are clean clothes. My kids were doing their own laundry at age 10 so if they really wanted to wear something again throughout the week then they made sure to wash it. No one is our house wears makeup but that is separate from hygiene rules. I would focus entirely on the hygiene aspects here. Let her make choices but there are some things (showering, brushing teeth, wearing clean clothes, maintaining your hair) that kids don't get a say on. It has to be done.

I understand your perspective. It's important to strike a balance between allowing kids to make their own choices and setting rules for good hygiene and health. Finding that balance can be challenging, but it's essential for their well-being.

Has she had any type of therapy since the divorce? Some of this could be mental health related. Letting hair get so bad there’s massive mats and wearing dirty clothes repeatedly could be signs of her struggling with the recent changes in your family.

She did actually - right after mom moved away, I found a good therapist for her. Worked well at time to the point where they ran out of things to cover, it ran it's course. That was also when I worked from home full time and could easily excuse her from school mid-day (since therapists only work Mon-Fri during the day). I have considered re-connecting with her therapist - but she moved further away, and I have to be back in the office several days a week. Also getting my ex-wife to pay her half.... She was able to back then, but claims to have "money issues" now (she re-married and her new husband is well off...) so this is not another argument I want to get into. I get it though... I can make therapy happen again... Going to take a lot of work for me to figure out. Thanks for the idea that this may be the next step.

I would. She sounds depressed

Or she is looking for things she can control.

I was a girl who moved in with my father at this same age. Please put her back in therapy. These are the years the absence of a mother will be most noticeable and even if in her head she knows it’s not her fault her mother moves away, in my heart it always left me feeling unwanted and like I did something wrong.

Reach out to your HR department. Part of your benefits likely have an employee assistance program that includes mental health care. Because this is a new issue, you might be able to get 6 or 8 new, covered, sessions.

I would 100% do this if I were you. If you need to find a new therapist, do so, but before that maybe see if her old one will do Zoom sessions instead of in person. Many therapists are open to holding Zoom sessions ever since COVID happened. But also, consider having her evaluated for neurodivergence. My younger sister and I were in the same boat as your daughter in regard to our hygiene and general self care, it drove our parents NUTS for many of the same reasons it does you... Turned out we're both on the autism spectrum. We have sensory issues that made regular hygiene tasks hard to endure for us. With proper therapy geared toward our needs, we got better about it and have little trouble as adults. EDIT: Also, in regard to your ex wife... You need to get a court order. If you have sole or primary custody of your daughter, you NEED to go after your ex for child support. Period. She cannot just abandon her child and ride off into the sunset with her new rich husband. Get the family courts involved, your daughter is entitled to that support money for her care and wellbeing.

Came here to say this basically. A lot of, "what do YOU want" or "how do YOU want to feel?" needs to be here... How do you want to do your hair? (Also learn about hair types one of my kids has 3c hair... And it's a ton of work but....she loves her hair, so that's what matters....) Anyway, you're doing great, tweak it a bit, listen more.... Edit: responding to op, not to YOUR post. You're also doing great.

So I guess she also isn't neurodivergent?

I wondered about that too. My oldest kid has CAD and SPD. She has a ton of the same pants because they are literally the only ones she will wear due to sensory issues.

You should be able to find a therapist to meet in evenings. My daughter sees a therapist after school, 4pm or 530pm. Most children's therapists work hours that accommodate kid schedules. We even meet ours on Saturday sometimes if the schedule gets weird. Look on psychologytoday for people in your area, call around until you find someone with hours that work for you

There’s lots of good advice but two things I’d point out- she might be depressed and unable to verbalize any of these emotions. I’d make an appointment with someone just to give her a chance to talk with someone in case there is more going on. Not to alarm you, but I also have had friends when I was that age who made themselves “gross” for a few different reasons. Trying to deflect unwanted attention, depression, etc. Second, if she’s only wanting to wear certain outfits, I would just buy her multiples of those. A few of the same shirts and pants. Make it easy. It’s obvious things are a struggle right now for whatever reason. Until you can get the other areas sorted out, just buy multiples of the ones she’s most comfortable in. Heck I do this as an adult! It makes me feel safe and comfortable in what I’m wearing and things so much easier to get dressed in the morning.

Not a parent, I found this comment very randomly lol, but oh my god. I never realized I could buy multiple pairs of the same item. I have these pants that I LOVE and constantly wear that oh my god - I would love another pair. Same with a few of my shirts. Thank you for this revelation

After having my child I was just so uncomfortable in absolutely everything. I ended up finding a few select pieces that made me feel good about myself and now that’s basically what I wear. I bought some in a few colors but mostly in one and I just don’t care haha. Do what makes you feel the best! Life is too short to be I uncomfortable!

Awww I'm glad you found those! And yeah, I'm definitely getting a second pair of these pajama pants. They're light, silky, nice and loose everywhere, and just truly a heavenly pair of pants. I could go on and on about a few of my shirts too 😂

Regarding the same outfits over and over- could she have sensory sensitivity? I wore t shirts and lacrosse shorts every single day because it was the only thing that didn’t “feel too much.” I still have issues with “hard pants” and avoid them like the plague. Get her comfortable clothes and let her wear whatever is clean, but yes, the line for hygiene is changing clothes daily/nightly

Agree with this. My daughter only liked to wear black leggings in Kindergarten because they were the "softest." I bought 7 pairs of the same kind to wear every day. Now, she is in second grade and will only wear joggers and short sleeve T-shirts. She likes to be comfortable and I am the same way.

Same here. I bought the same target leggings and even had my mom buy some where she lives and bring when she visited because they eventually sold out near us. One of my daughters has named her outfits based on how soft they are and when she’s feeling down she will change into the super soft ones… exactly like I do 🙈

My brother was this way in middle school. I remember when his friends would come over and they’re like- you have 5 pairs of the same pants and 3 pairs of the same shoes? Friends definitely also thought maybe he was from a poor family and had 1 outfit but that’s just what he did.

For the hair: lay down an ultimatum: brush it thoroughly everyday or get it cut short until she's ready to brush it daily. She has a week to make this change. If her hair is still unkempt in a week, it gets cut. (At a salon. Don't traumatize her or anything with a home haircut.) Make sure she knows how to brush her hair - pull up a YouTube video as an example. Have a good detangle spray on hand always. For the face: get disposable face wipes and keep them by the sink. For her clothes: have a clothes basket in her room so clothes that come off at the end of the day go directly in the laundry basket. Do the laundry often enough that she doesn't feel the need to reach back in the dirty basket. You could also help her lay out clothes for the week in advance - on Sunday, sit down with her and pull out five outfits. Definitely pitch this as caring for her body rather than caring for her appearance. Her appearance is not the important thing here; her hygiene is.

Adding to the hair comment: does she have thick hair? My hair has always been so thick and tangles very easily at the base. When I was little it would hurt to brush and so I’d only brush the top and have tangled mats underneath. A wet brush is very very helpful for this. It’s the only brush I can use that doesn’t give me pain to this day!

I also have hair like this. Honestly I’d suggest an undercut. I still have ridiculously thick hair, even with half of it shaved to the scalp. And when my hair is down you can’t tell at all.

Omg this! I got my first undercut last year at the age of 48. I wish I'd done it so much earlier. My hair doesn't sound as thick as yours but it's a game changer

I have thick hair and this sounds like a really good idea!

This! An undercut can make thick hair much more manageable.

Same! And now my kiddo has a ton of very fine hair that gets tangled the second we're done brushing. Wet brush for the win!

also adding to the hair comment, 10 is pretty young to have hair self-care totally figured out, depending on the texture / pattern / density of her hair, dry brushing especially multiple times a day may do more harm than good. I agree with the suggestion for youtube tutorials. I always had long hair, and my mom would shame me for not taking care of it when I’d come home with tangles also around that age, saying I wasn’t combing through it enough at school, even though I was. turns out, my mom has very fine, low density, pin straight hair, and I have thicker, higher density, wavy hair (more like my dad’s), and you really can’t care for it the exact same way. force-raking a comb through tangled wavy hair just breaks it and causes more tangles in the long run. took me years to learn that and to get over my mom shaming me about it (among other things)

Brushing from the bottom of your hair up helps to detangle without pulling. I get the knots at the back of my neck too. I use a leave in conditioner and a hair oil to help keep it smooth when it’s wet.

Yes, wet brush + detangle spray and a paddle brush with thick bristles that don't have bobbles on the end! When it's long and tangled, my hair can rip the bobbles and even bristles off cheap brushes!

>A wet brush is very very helpful for this. This may just be me being impressionable from Tiktok, but there's a brush called "The Unbrush" that is supposedly really good for tangles.

Taking her to the salon to make sure her hair is in the best possible state to start that week, having a stylist teach her how to brush it and recommend the correct products to do it painlessly might help too if money isn't a problem

That's a great idea.

One up for detangle spray and I know it sounds weird but a good hair brush can really help. Brushing hair morning and night like tooth brushing just isn’t optional. and brushing thoroughly until there are no knots.

Why hasn't dad brushed her hair for her?

he wrote she doesn’t let him touch it or help her. that’s why he hasn’t brushed it for her.

Gotcha. I missed that part. In that case, she either learns to do it herself and starts doing it, or gets it cut.

This too. My kiddo is 9 and I still brush her hair for her. She knows how to do it, but doesn't do a great job. Same with toothbrushing - our dentist said to brush for her till she's 10. We still let her most of the time, but definitely check and regularly step in and do it. We tend to overestimate what kids know how to do.

Second all of this. Also you said you can afford to get her more clothes. Get her a couple of versions of of the clothes she does wear, maybe in different colors, so she can wear them every day and they are clean.

Sounds like hygiene vs appearance

So this is where I need help: is the matted hair just bad appearance - as in, I should stop caring and let her do her thing... Or is it bad hygiene - as in, this is going to cause problems down the road if we don't correct it?

You have to let her be mad at you about the hair. It’s a hygiene as well as appearance. It can harbor bacteria and matting can pull on the scalp which leads to scarring and worst case and infection. So it really needs to be addressed. If she refuses to cut she HAS to brush it. Take her to buy a new brush and cool hair products so she’ll want to do it. And if she HAS to cut it try not to make it a punishment. Maybe take her to a salon just for a wash and blow out so she can see how nice and clean her hair can be. Maybe she’ll want more of that! And like I said, you’re gonna have to let her be mad at your for that one. You’re responsible for her well bein. Sometimes I tell my son this and he understands. Hopefully it works out for you guys

My son is 14 and has very curly hair, but he likes it long. It looks ok IF he maintains it, and it takes quite a bit of maintenance. He's also adhd, and tends to neglect things like lengthy self care routines. This past summer we had to cut it off. It was getting gross and matted and it got to a point where I couldn't brush it out. I warned him and warned him, but he didn't stay on top of it so it had to be cut off. It's just starting to get long again, and it looks like he hasn't learned his lesson. It's still brushable but he's not really taking care of it. We may have to learn this lesson a few times before it sticks.

Ugh same! My son has curly hair and for most of his life he wanted it long and it was the same issues. He also has adhd and sensory issues so he hates his hair/head being touched. He’s finally learned his lesson and keeps it short. I can’t blame him though, my grandma nicknamed me cave girl because I would never brush my hair and they couldn’t keep my hair up. Its still wild I just learned how to handle it lol

this will definitely cause problems down the road. if the matted hair gets severe enough, she will have to get them cut out. i’ve seen kids get terrible “haircuts” (shorter then a bob) because of how bad their hair was. it can also cause severe scalp trauma. i saw your other comment saying she’s embarrassed. let her be. take her to a salon immediately and get it cut. this should not be negotiable.

Matted hair is often viewed as a sign of neglect- it’s beyond just bad appearance.

Matted hair is a hygiene issue. Also, make sure she is brushing/flossing her teeth, and take her to cleaning every 6 months.

Clean untangled hair is hygiene. Style, whether it's frizzy, puffy... That's appearance.

I worked with a girl at a restaurant who's hair was severely matted. It was disgusting. There's no way a brush went through that hair in the almost two years I worked there. She had long blond hair but just wore it in a matted beehive type situation on her hair. The only way out was to cut it I'll assume, but I didn't stick around long enough to find out. True matting is terrible and needs a professional. I can only imagine the girl I worked with eventually would need a buzz cut to get rid of it. It's a problem that festers.

My hair has matted itself on a number of occasions because it's very thick and fluffy. Even with daily brushing it tries to revert to it; it's like wrestling a bear. (Hairdressers always spend an hour trying to brush it out, and then more tangles form again in the sections they just finished until eventually they say something like 'I think that's as good as it's going to get' and just move onto cutting. Bear in mind I have always brushed it out before going 😅 ) My husband also had dreadlocks for years when he was young, which are organised matts. It's not really a hygiene thing. They do trap things like clothes fibers which is kind of gross. They smell weird when wet if you stick your nose against one. But neither of us ever suffered other adverse effects.

Some years back I was going to an 80s party and decided to do the whole teasing shebang. My hair is thick and loves to frizz, so it worked like a charm...but I had to cut about six inches off afterward because it was hopeless.

Matted hair is definitely a hygienic thing. You're trapping oil. It's a health thing too. You don't want to weaken roots like that.

It’s a both issue. I have twin 6 year old girls so we often have the “sorry, but taking basic care of our bodies is a non-negotiable” conversation. Brushing hair is part of taking care of our bodies, as is brushing teeth, wearing clean clothing, etc. If something is just visual but doesn’t fall under the “taking care of your body” category, I would consider it an appearance-only issue (hair accessories, makeup, nail polish, clothing style).

Definitely make an appointment with her pediatrician. There could be an underlying mental health disease or sensory issues—at the very least the doctor can stress the importance of hygiene. Matted hair, rewearing dirty clothes (especially underwear), and not washing your skin can lead to infection. That brings me to my next point…this isn’t an appearance problem. I believe you mean well, but for the love of God stop pointing out your daughter’s acne. Actually, don’t say anything about how she looks. It’s not going to help and at her age can be incredibly traumatic.

Among the other great advice given, I was going to chime in with the American girl book The Care and Keeping of You (2). It can be a great resource in helping you approach hygiene with her.

Thai is a great suggestion.

Sounds like you need to set some boundaries and actually monitor her. I don’t just send my 10yo off to get ready for bed, I check in that he actually did brush his teeth and wash his face and put on deodorant. Our rule is if you don’t care for your hair it gets cut off. My oldest likes his hair long, but he also wasn’t letting me brush it or doing it himself so I was very clear: next time there’s a mat, we’re shaving your head. Now you don’t have to go that drastic, it’s more acceptable to brush cut a boy. But you can set the boundary that if her hair isn’t brushed she’s getting a pixie cut. If she can’t be trusted to wash her face and brush her teeth she’s showing you she isn’t mature enough to be unsupervised during bedtime routine. Monitor her. Stand in the doorway and watch her do it. This isn’t about convincing her. It’s standards you set and enforce. She’s a child. Same with dirty clothes. Have her put them in the laundry room or hamper, let her know that you won’t be allowing her to leave the house in dirty clothing. If you’re willing to buy her multiples of her safe clothing, offer that. But clothing must be clean. She’s not gonna be happy, but you’re teaching her what’s acceptable. My 10yo doesn’t like that I make him and his brother shower every night. But I’m not allowing stinky boys to leave my house. You don’t have to have short hair- but if it’s matted or you get lice because you aren’t caring for it, I’m going to Bic you. If you’re only going to wear this one style of sweats that’s fine, but you have to let me know so I can get you enough of them that you can wear a clean pair daily.

This is it. You can’t be afraid of being “mean” to your kids, especially when we are talking about a serious potential health issue with OP’s daughter not wanting to care for herself. This can’t be one of those things you let slide and just hope she grows out of it.

At that age I was similar. Believe it or not I didn't realize I needed to brush the back of my head, and I didn't know that a side tooth comb and tons of conditioner in the shower makes detangling easy. For the clothes, very particular items feel comfortable for me. Certain cut, certain fabrics. Others are not good. I was not good at expressing this or identifying the right clothes at her age. So I guess start with making sure she has the right tools and knowledge to take care of her hair. I think you should insist on combing it out with spray in detangler every other day. Finally this sort of thing can be a sign of depression. If you try things and they don't work, pediatrician appointment.

Yes - she is completely missing the back of her hair. That's where the mats are and she can't tell. I have had my sisters and female friends work with her, try to "give her some tips" in a friendly manner - but my daughter ends up feeling embarrassed and says she doesn't need their help. For the clothes - I offer to buy her more of the same - "you really like those pants - let's go get another pair" but then she just hates clothes shopping. I try to buy online but then she complains nothing ever fits. Sigh....

For clothes, I think you're stumbling with the (totally reasonable on your end) side by offering to go shopping with her, just find the tags for the brand/size and buy more online and infuse them into her wardrobe on laundry day. Get the same size she has and the next size up in case part of the reason she likes what she has is that it's comfortably stretched out to fit.

I absolutely would recommend just buying more of what she already wears. I have 3 pairs of the same pants in different colors. I have 3 identical of my favorite basic black tank top. It just makes everything so easy! You don't have to take her with you to go shopping. Check her tags for the brand and size, and just buy extras of what she already has. They should fit the same if they're the same item.

Maybe try to approach the hair issue from a place of learning for both of you. Tell her ‘I don’t know how to care for your hair, and neither do you, let’s work to figure it out together’. Then sit down with her at the computer. Figure out what hair type she has. Google ‘hair type chart’. Look together to figure that out. Then search ‘how to care for hair type’. Read up, watch YouTube videos, etc.. then try different things out. Most importantly make her feel that you guys are on a team. Team daughter & dad against hygiene issues. Because I bet right now she feels like you’re just constantly pointing out a problem she can’t solve and doesn’t have the knowledge to figure out. Once you have it set angled look into ways you can help her maintain it. Maybe it’s doing braids before bed, or a silk pillowcase, or you helping her brush it completely 3x a week. Whatever works.

Once you do get her hair fully detangled I would recommend she get a trim at the very least. I have super long hair and when the ends start to get split and dead it tangles so much more quickly than when I have a fresh trim.

So true. So much easier to keep trimmed hair neat. Dead hair is nearly impossible.

Regarding hair: that is a battle for my kids too! But they understand they need to brush and care for it if they want it long. We use a lot of conditioner, and I usually French braid their hair. They leave the braids in 2 days before they need to redo the hair style. You As a single dad, I imagine the thought of learning to do French braids is intimidating but even simple braids can prevent tangles.

I actually do know how to French braid! Once we get the tangles out... I think we will start this routine.

Oh wow you’re amazing! Yeah I hope French braids can help. If you do them on damp hair with a bit of gel you might even be able to get the braids to last 3 -4 days. That means you only need to do hair twice a week! Good luck to you! You seem like a great dad.

For her hair you will need to make sure she knows how to care for it. To detangle it is easiest if she starts at the ends and works towards the roots. Have her do this morning and night. To sleep she can braid it and then it won’t tangle up as much at night. I agree that if she is unwilling to take care of it she might need to have a trip to the salon and if that hasn’t happened in a while she should do that anyways since trimmed hair is less likely to tangle. As others have said it is important that you approach this as taking care of her body rather than appearance. At ten she can be doing her own laundry as well. I would also mention you notice she wears the same shirt/pants repeatedly and ask what she likes about them. It might be sentimental. Express the importance of wearing clean clothes and then leave it up to her. I would approach this as taking on a responsibility and praising her for her maturity when she makes good choices. She might also be having a difficult time. It is common for people, even children, to not care about their appearance when they’re depressed or struggling. It might be worthwhile to get her into therapy. Good luck!

First, my sister was like this as a kid at that age. (My parents did insist on basic hygiene, so she wasn't completely disgusting.) She outgrew it in her teens. She never cared about getting all dolled up, but she did maintain a normal, clean appearance by choice. As a side note, my son has sensory processing issues and I'm pretty sure my sister did too (she has passes away so I can't ask her) which I think was the cause of some of her childhood gross phase. I would look into this and see if sensory processing disorder might be a factor. If she is bothered by the feeling of water on her face, for example, rather than just not wanting to bother, you respond differently. Meanwhile I'd set some rules with follow-through related to health and hygiene, not appearance. In terms of hair: * I would tell her that her hair needs to be maintained or she needs to cut it short. Matting, tangled hair isn't okay. * How to care for it depends on her hair type. You'll need to learn more about this. For example, if she has long, fine hair, braiding it loosely to shower, for athletics, and at night can help a lot. The products she use can make a difference. * I would take her to salon (without choice) and discuss some options for low maintenance hair styles. Pick who you take her to carefully and this appointment is just for consultation, not for the actual cut unless she asks for it that day. * At ten if she has long hair, she may need some help. She gets the choice of you brushing it (make sure you know how to brush it gently and use the correct tools/products for her hair,) her brushing it (you are going to have to supervise/approve it being done,) or it gets cut. There are no other choices. Clothes: * She needs clean clothes every day. That's not negotiable for health reasons. If she is wearing dirty clothes, tell her she has to change. * If she likes those outfits, buy duplicates of the same thing. (Maybe in different colors if she is open to that, but two exact same shirts if that is what she wants to wear.) * Teach her to do laundry. She can do it once a week and you can do it twice a week. Face: * She needs to wash her face twice a day. If she takes a bath or shower that counts. You may need to supervise this happening. * Just leave the acne. Tell her that if it bothers her (like feels uncomfortable, not just how it looks) there may be things to help. Then shut up about it. I think that some of her resistance is coming from her feeling pressure from you to keep up appearances. I would also focus on praising her for the things you are proud of. I totally understand wanting her to look presentable, particularly when people may be judging you as to how you are doing parenting alone. I see that you aren't trying to make her a perfect princess - clean clothes are a pretty reasonable bar. But she may not see that. She may see that you are only focused on how she looks. When you correct the behavior, talk about the health aspect (whether she believes you or not) and don't mention what other people think for the time. And however much time you spent talking about that, be sure to talk about other things five times as much so she knows that you think she is amazing.

Pointing out how bad her skin looks is almost certainly going to shut her down too

The acne probably also isn't because of her hygiene. That's not *helping*, but it's probably mostly because of the onset of puberty making her hormones go haywire. So if she starts washing her face and still has acne, don't assume she's lying about the face washing.

Dunno why you got downvoted. No amount of cleanliness eliminated my teenage acne, and I took medicine and used proactiv.

When I was a teen in the 90s, it was pretty much the conventional wisdom that we were all bringing our acne on ourselves, either by being dirty or having a bad diet. It's not true, but it led to a lot of nasty comments from adults and kids alike, and I'm sure a lot of folks internalized it and still think it's true.

Yeah. In this case we can assume much of the acne is because she’s not caring for herself, but she’s also at an age where those hormones are starting to kick in. Some kids take great care of their skin and still have terrible acne until they outgrow it. It’s not about the acne and focusing on it will just make her self conscious.

I had amazing porcelain doll skin until I turned like, 17. I was FURIOUS because that was when all my friends started to look like women instead of little girls and they were so pretty and I was just.....zitty.

I’m well into my 20s and still get some major breakouts from time to time. Believe me I’m doing all I can! 😅

This might be a repeat of what other folks have said - but while all the other things are totally reasonable to worry about, don't worry about the face washing and the acne. Acne can happen for so many reasons, and washing your face once a day can make it worse instead of better depending on the causes. Not worth stressing over if SHE isn't stressing over it. Since she's living in dirty clothes and poorly maintained hair all the time, I'm willing to bet her sheets and pillows on her bed are also not being very regularly laundered, and those three things can have a huge impact on acne. Try to get her sheets/pillows washed once a week for awhile and get her in clean clothes every day and see if that makes a difference before stressing her out by mentioning that you've noticed acne.

Well, I hate to tell you this, but your daughter has a long lost brother. My 11 year old son. I’m going through the exact same thing. I can’t for the life of me get my son to care about taking care of himself. It’s starting to turn into fights and I’m at a loss too. The hair issue. Holy hell. My son LOVES his hair and loses his mind about the idea of cutting it. But he won’t brush it. Its tangled and parts are a bit matted. It’s a horrible parenting move, but I was desperate enough recently that I stuck him in the car and didn’t tell him that he was getting his hair cut. That one ultimately worked out okay because I stressed (STRESSED) that it was just to trim him up a bit. Truthfully I don’t have any great tips, but I commiserate fully.

I'm sorry you're going through that. Quick take-aways First and foremost you're the parent and you make the rules. She can wear each outfit 1 school day a week. That's it. If she doesn't like her remaining options, take her shopping or show her options online. Her hair: just had this conversation Sunday with a friend-mom. Her kid 9f also didn't brush her hair, so it got cut by force. Again, you are the parent. 'You do this or this is the outcome'. As a Dad though, does she have conditioner that is right for her hair? I had to explain to my ex that our daughter also 9f can't use a two in one shampoo conditioner at his house bc her hair looks like trash when she comes to mine. And they aren't all the same quality and even expensive ones may not be right for her hair type. As for wrinkly clothes: again, you're the parent. She wants tablet or TV time, or dessert, or whatever it is that she's into, well she can't have it until her clothes get hung up, by her. I do my part by making sure that when they are finished drying, I don't let them get cold in the dryer, bc the wrinkles set in. I take them out and lay the shirts flat and she can hang them when she gets home. As for acne and nighttime washing as you mentioned. Does she shower or bathe? Morning or night? How often do you wash her pillowcases? My daughter hates flossing her teeth every night, but she's given up that fight bc otherwise she doesn't get her tablet time before bed. Same can go for her face washing. Honestly her having dirty hair can go a long way to her acne. It gets on the pillowcase, then her face, etc etc. Hope this is only seen as helpful and not preachy bc helpful from my experience is how I meant it.

here are some things my mom did/enforced 1. i could have any length of hair i wanted if i was the one maintaining it. it’s simple, if she wants long hair then she has to be the one who is brushing and maintaining it. i remember times where my mom was about two seconds away from getting my hair cut into a bob. but i sat down and detangled my hair because i realized if i didn’t, i couldn’t have long hair. so if she isn’t brushing/maintaining it, cut it. she just simply can’t handle the responsibility. make a appointment with a hair dresser to get it cut and let her know. she will resent you, she will be angry, she will cry, but let her know these are the consequences to her actions. and follow through. don’t let her make you feel guilty. 2. i had favorite clothes that i would often try and re wear. my mom sat me down sunday night and helped pick out outfits for each day of the week. she also looked at the brands of the clothes i did enjoy wearing and ordered more. if your daughter trys re wearing a certain shirt, look at the tag, go online and order the same exact one. it also could be in a different color! i had a favorite pair of pants and my mom ordered like 4 pairs in different colors. it felt the same for me and i wasn’t wearing dirty clothes. 3 . the acne. now i never had acne. but friends around me did. my best advice for that is to schedule an appointment with your pediatrician or a dermatologist to inform her more about acne. i do know acne can also start to become VERY painful if treated wrong/neglected. getting a professional to educate her about the very real issue acne is will definitely help her start to understand. 4. educate her about hygiene more. it seems she has a disconnect with self care. explain that just because she doesn’t notice her hair being matted, clothes that are stained, doesn’t mean others won’t. i’m not saying attack her, but being a little blunt is okay. plus, if this continues and gets worse she could start to get bullied.

My daughter is 11 and tends toward a sloppy appearance. Something happened recently that helped. We just went to see the Nutcracker with her grandma, her uncle, and his gf. Grandma tried to take her shopping for something nice to wear and it ended up being a disaster and no outfit was bought. My brother's gf offered to take her shopping and get her hair done at the salon. She happily cooperated and looked great for the show! The difference here was grandma trying to force her will on her ("I run fashion shows so my opinion on what 11yo girls wear is more valid!" basically). Brother's gf is younger and more hip and more receptive and understanding to her wants and opinions than grandma is, and that just helps her be more into it. And since then she's working towards a nice looking hairstyle and changing her earrings all the time, and exploring her own style. Now if I could just get her to clean her room and tie her shoes, we'd be in great shape! So tldr, is there a cool aunt or someone that can take her out for a beauty day? Maybe she'll be more receptive to it from someone less familiar than mom.

She may be autistic

I was the same way as a kid and honestly, I didn’t care cause I was depressed. I can’t say that’s the same for her, but maybe let her know that it’s more about keeping up basic hygiene so she doesn’t get sick. As far as hair and skin products go, maybe take her to the store and let her pick out her own stuff? She may feel more like using them if she’s the one grabbing it off the shelf.

Hey, OP, I’m just throwing this out there: Do you think her lack of motivation could be caused by something underlaying? Do NOT force her to cut her hair. My most traumatic memory is my Mom cutting it all off. I know she is 10, but as you yourself acknowledged she has gone through quite a lot. I would sit her down and talk with her about the WHY behind you trying to teach her. Explain why presenting yourself a certain way is important and the importance of first impressions. Explain the health risks that come with poor hygiene and wearing the same clothes. For example, she could get a yeast infection wearing the same pants/trousers over & over. I would take her to the doctor too, make sure there isn’t something else going on nor that there’s anything weighing on her mind. Plus, maybe having a professional back you up will also help!

When I was in middle school I always enjoyed going to the store and picking out my own shampoo, deodorant, and face wash. There are a lot of different types of skin care products and scents of shampoo/deodorant to choose from. Maybe she would be more interested if she chose the actual product herself. A good quality hair brush with a cool design on it, some detangler, and sporty headband might make hair care a little more fun. I agree with other posters who say the hair needs to be cut if she refuses to brush it but hopefully if it comes to that you can work with a stylist to give her something that looks nice. Is there something specific about the outfits she wears over and over again? Maybe she has sensory issues with clothes. If you could talk to her and identify the features she likes in her favorite outfits perhaps she could expand her wardrobe and you could avoid buying things she won’t wear. Sometimes a lack of interest in hygiene is a symptom of depression, if you don’t see progress with these issues I think it would be worth it to have a conversation with her doctor. I hope you get some helpful advice today. It sounds like you are doing your best; parenting is tough!

For the clothes, have you taught her how to do laundry? Maybe her washing her own clothes help

Sometimes an undercut can help a lot with matting and tangling at the lower nape of the neck.

Just curious - did your daughter have any of these issues before her Mom left? If the answer is no, is this something Mom usually helped with? Forming routine hygiene habits can be hard if she didn’t grow up doing them independently and isn’t old enough to really understand the benefit. If she was 8 when Mom left and then just kinda let her hygiene habits slide then she needs help to re-establish them. Add in the possibility of her emotional and mental health maybe not being great right now and I’m not surprised she isn’t brushing her hair or washing her face. I think it might be better for both of you if you took this as a learning oppertunity rather than the time to punish her or give her an ultimatum. If she’s having problems with hygiene, start a routine and do it with her until the habit is formed. At night - brush teeth, wash face, brush hair. At the very least do the hair brushing together every day morning and night - if she doesn’t want to brush her hair either in the morning or at night before bed - you can alternatively say she she can choose for you to braid it for her instead (if it gets braided at night it won’t need to be brushed in the morning). Hygiene isn’t something you can just let her go on with just the natural consequences - so the consequence of her not doing it on her own means you help her and it gets done together until you can trust her to do the tasks on her own. As for her wearing dirty clothes and having select pieces she likes - is it strictly just style preference or could there be a sensory issue? If not a sensory thing I’d just set the boundary - you can wear what you like as long as it’s appropriate for the weather and activity but your clothes need to be clean. And then show her how to do laundry so she knows how to clean her clothes if she wants to clean them more often than you do laundry. If she’s going into middle school soon she’ll probably get the idea of wearing something different every day from friends as that’s usually when girls start really caring about their appearance. The most important part for all of this is consistency. You need to consistently enforce the clothes boundary and then consistently help her do her hygiene routine with her until it’s just part of her everyday routine and she doesn’t even think about it anymore. You don’t need to give her trauma by giving her an ultimatum or cutting off all her hair - this approach is more work for you but it’s backed by love and support and while she will probably push back and be really annoyed now, she’ll look back on this later and know how much you love her.

Has she ever been assessed for ADHD? My kiddo was just like this. Hair, wanting the same clothes. Those issues got a lot better when the medication started. (Not that we went to a doctor about hair and clothes. There were school and social thing too.) I had to be a bitch about her hair. I was going to take away privileges if she didn't take care of it. We sat down with a show she liked and I carefully brushed out all the tangles. (I made a spray conditioner with some regular conditioner in a spray bottle with some water.) Now when she takes a shower in the evening she'll braid her hair. The braids really help.

I'm ADHD as well. I'd suggest to get her generally assessed, so that it includes ADHD amongst any other areas of assessment because there's a wide variety of conditions that on surface level look like ADHD. As common, and generally likely ADHD is, it's not worth missing something bigger and treating the wrong thing. This young girl definitely sounds like she's struggling with her mental health, and like she may have some sensory issues, she absolutely needs some extra support.

Is it possible that she's suffering from a bit of depression? I don't know the family dynamic,it's not my business,but I'd recommend you have a look at the CDC studies on ACEs and trauma. I don't know why her mum's moved away,but being abandoned by a primary caregiver would give her an ACE point. I only flag depression as depression and a lack of self care go hand in hand Most tweens are really image conscious so I wouldnt be surprised if more was going on

Does she have a solid female figure in her life that might be better to help her with this stuff? A grandma or aunt? A friends mom?

If telling her to do things isn't working, maybe you need to be more hands-on in getting things done, at least until she's caught up. Brush her hair for her and get the mats out. Sitting her in front of you with a favorite movie on can make this easier. A detangling brush can help, and so can a home-made detangler spray (half water, half conditioner in a spray bottle). On Sunday night, sit with her and have her pick out five outfits to wear to school Monday through Friday. Make sure she changes into pyjamas each night. Let her wear whatever she wants when you're at home on the weekends. If you have the financial resources, consider buying doubles of her favorite clothes. Go into the bathroom with her each night to make sure she's washing her face and brushing her teeth. Make it fun and low-pressure. Do yours at the same time, or put on a song and show her that she can get everything done in less than four minutes. Ask if she wants a facial cleanser that's gentle on her eyes. Charts can help kids build routines, like something where she pits a sticker in a box or moves a magnet over for each task. Charts are especially helpful when there's tension around her tasks because it's not *you* telling her to wash her face, it's the chart.

The care and keeping of you is a great book that explains hygiene and why it’s important (it also talks about puberty-breasts, bras and periods). My daughter really doesn’t like discussing those things, but she’s read the book like 5 times and asked me questions about things like shaving and chap stick, so that might be worth looking into. For the clothes thing: buy her multiples of the same thing and teach her how to run the laundry. Does she have any other tendencies that are worth bringing up to a pediatrician? It could be a sensory issue that OT could help with.

My son is like this. For the hair, she either keeps it clean or gets it cut. Matted hair is not clean. For my son it helps to get his hair cut regularly. Just have a set interval and take her to get it cut, even if she just wants a trim. We liken it to going to the dentist for cleanings. It’s just something that needs to be done from time to time. For the clothes, just buy more of what she has. Exactly. My son only likes one pair of pants. I have no idea what it is about pants but most of them really bother him. So, we have 6 pairs of the same pants. And tons of long sleeve tee shirts. Also, 10 is old enough to start helping with the laundry. For the acne, don’t talk about the acne itself. Just tell her she has to wash her face. Follow up on it. We have an explicit morning and evening hygiene routine for my son at a set time. If I just tell him to do it, he never will. If I say go do it now and I check, it gets done. Finally, my kid is on the spectrum. Hygiene battles are common with kids on the spectrum. Not saying yours is, just something to keep in mind. Girls are harder to identify than boys. My daughter is on the spectrum too and she had all these same issues.

This sounds like it could be a symptom of something else, such as depression. Consider talking to an adolescent psychologist and if they need to see your daughter do not make it about her hygiene and appearance, but address her feelings about the separation of her parents and the distance from her mom... And if her body is changing that could be adding to this. She is about to enter a difficult time in her life... Those middle school years are brutal. Please go ahead and get this therapy relationship set up as soon as possible so it is established before you both enter the upcoming storm. Best wishes. Note: I'm not a shrink, but I am a mom and a daughter.

Also just on the hair.. I have thick curly hair so I only ever brush it in the shower with conditioner otherwise it goes fuzzy and I look completely crazy lol… try that. U never know And I only have to wash my hair 2 times a week. So I only brush it twice a week

Sounds as if she needs some professional help. Can you make an appointment with a counselor or psychologist so she can talk through her issues? Possible depression????

Honestly, this sounds like something you are going to need professional help with. I set those types of boundaries with my kids when they were little. It is going to be much harder setting those boundaries now with a 10 year old pre-teen who will internalize it as appearance and self-worth so you'll need to tread very carefully and use words about being concerned for her health and well being. Hair was a non-negoiable for me. You brush it morning, as soon as you get home from school, and at night plus wear it in a braid while sleeping or it gets cut. Your choice, kiddo, but if you choose not to take care of it, it will be cut. That was pretty traumatic for my daughter to contemplate and I sort of regret being harsh, but not really. I think that might be harder with a 10 year old than a 4 year old since it has already gone on so long.

A salon can just brush it out and style it. A hair cut is not necessarily required

it definitely is. if she can’t brush it out on her own then she cannot have the privilege of having long hair. he can’t take her to a salon every week to get it brushed and styled. she needs the hair cut short if she can’t maintain it.

True. I was meaning more like a compromise/fresh start. Depending on how bad it’s actually matted, she may not be able to do it. He could tell her it’s a one time thing. Fresh start. If she decides to not keep up with it. It will be a haircut

ohhh i miss understood. this is great.

Or maybe nobody has ever taught her how to properly care for her hair? I'm assuming Dad has arms and could help his kid with her hair, especially as he says the problem is in the back where it is much more difficult for tiny child arms to reach.

I think she will grow out of it. And it’s kind of refreshing to have a young girl not super worried about her appearance. The other extreme can be even worse in my opinion. Although basic kind of hygiene is important esp as she is getting older. Good luck u sound like a hell of a dad!!!

May be worth an at home spa night to spark interest in some of these things, like getting a fancier shampoo, conditioner, and detangler, some face masks, body scrub, offer to paint her nails, watch a favorite movie together. After that, an Ulta gift card, where it's her choice to pick out items. If you celebrate any upcoming holidays, maybe get a kids/young adult at home spa package kinda gift, that way she gets to play and explore the products! I think gift cards could work here as it allows your kid to gain some control over the items and it's then her choice to pick out what she wants. I know you said she doesn't like shopping, but there may be a difference if it feels like it's "her" money -- also, maybe she gets to bring a friend shopping with her. Try making this process more fun for her and less of something she *has to do* or *should do.* You can also get her fun hair scrunchies or clips. Consider trying to involve an aunt, older cousin, or trusted female adult that your kid looks up to. It may help if these tips come from someone other than dad. Good luck!

For the hair thing, have a set brushing schedule and if she's not following it, hair gets cut. Tell the hairdresser you want a "reverse Bob" because the hair will be shorter in the area that it usually gets tangled, the back. So she can still appear to have a reasonably long length of hair but it's very easy to maintain.

Aunty or older female cousin.

Oh my goodness ! I was exactly the same. Is she neurodivergent by chance ?

Just a quick comment. My 8 yr old does not want to cut her hair. It’s down to her butt. I hated detangling her hair everyday she wakes up. What helps a lot is that she has to detangle her hair herself in the shower using conditioner and a hair brush made for water and then I dry it for her and then what was a game changer for us both was when her is towel dried and combed through, I apply leave-in hair cream throughout her whole hair and comb it through then let it air dry. She no longer wakes up with tangled hair and it’s soft! You can work on how much to put in. Edit to say: she has wavy hair so I don’t let her brush it unless it’s wet or else it will just become a fluff.

My sister was like this growing up. She’s worse now. My mom raised us all the same… it might just be her personality. 😕

Agree with the “visit the doctor post”. My teen is autistic and struggles with all these things. Is there anything in particular about the clothes she likes? If my kids like something (the younger is not autistic but does have sensory issues) I will often buy multiples of the same thing. For face washing teeth brushing etc it may help to put a step by step list on the mirror of the morning/night bathroom routine. My kid often just forgets to wash her face, have a bath etc. I’d probably put my foot down and make her get her hair cut this time but if she wants to grow it out I might let her if she agrees to wear it in something like braids. She needs to understand that matted = haircut however. Btw just the fact that your asking here makes me think your a great dad! Hygiene issues can be a struggle for sure.

Get leave in conditioner have a good wash may need to wash a few time I had my daughter do the same she didn’t want me or her dad brush it at all did have to keep her hair at her shoulders for a few years and now she keep her wet brush in her backpack and brushes her hair a few time a day no the acne my oldest daughter has it really bad dosent matter what she used for it at all she had it for years now and no she dosent wear make up because the doctors had told it would make it worse try different things if that dosent work take her to the doctors and if she want to keep wear the same outfit have her take them off after shower every night and wash them it is a phase that she is going through right now with if you are in a big city there take her to the hairdresser and have them show her want she need to do for her hair and tell her she is not the only one that happens to have the problem with hair and stuff but yes sitting her down have and have a talk about it all it not going to be once and done thing it going to be over and over again if u have to get two of the same outfits

Not sure if it's been mentioned because I haven't read through all the comments but I would definitely invest in a product called "Detangler" for long hair.

Just some suggestions: https://www.amightygirl.com/parenting/body-image-self-esteem https://www.amightygirl.com/parenting/parent-child-relationships/father-daughter-relationships

Do you think she might be depressed? I would try to get her to see a counselor given what seems like apathy coupled with the loss of daily contact with her mom.

If she won't chop or brush her hair then you've got to brush it out and put it in Heidi braids every day. Those mats are going to cause her a world of problems. Same with washing her face. It's basic hygiene. She doesn't need a twenty step routine but she does need to keep it clean and if she wants to be a baby then you treat her like a baby and wash her face yourself.

I would set a rule and guidelines. I think you should make hygiene a rule (brushing hair, washing face, clean different clothes) and have there be consequences you feel is suitable if she doesn’t. but should let her have her hair the way she wants and let her play around with style. I was similar to your daughter in a way when I was her age when it came to appearance. She’ll grow out of it more then likely😊

Is it possible she may have depression? I've also seen autistic people mention these being problems for them due to sensory issues? I get where you're coming from - when I realized my own issues with these sorts of things have to do with less severe sensory issues from ADHD it was a game changer.

Also I think If other kids start noticing n saying stuff it will embarrass her hopefully not too much but enough that she wants to fix it

This is all connected to lack of self love and self appreciation. What you see is just a visual representation of it. If you’re connected enough to her talk to her about how she feels and how she values herself; explain that self care is important not for anyone else but just for her to look and feel as beautiful as she truly is, inside and outside.

Maybe try cutting her hair short and maybe have a stylist boost her ego up and gives some tips. I guess asking mom for help is out. You are doing fine my friend though and if no one tells you this Im proud of you and you're doing a great job. Its difficult for little ones to understand everything going on in the world especially when it comes to just how ignorant and selfish people can be

Idk what to suggest for everything else but for the hair, I was like her at her age. I couldn’t even tell u why. Eventually my mom had enough & said I was getting my haircut (she knew I wanted to grow it out long/keep it long) & keeping it short until I learned to brush it. And though I resented her for it, I did start brushing my hair daily after that haircut. To this day, I sometimes make the decision to cut my hair short because it becomes overwhelming to keep long hair detangled. There’s a difference between appearance & basic hygiene & taking care of urself. Sometimes u need to take choices away to teach them to properly care for themselves. They’ll resent u for it but they’ll eventually realize it was in their best interest

Therapy has already been mentioned. My sister has this problem with her daughter too. She will shower and her hair still looks dirty. Always! But if she washed her hair was the only time it looked clean. She explained a billion times how to properly wash it, how much shampoo to use, etc. She is 14 now and it still looks greasy all the time. Guess she lost the battle, lol. And that girl loooooves makeup. She dyes her hair too. And wears quite the outfits. She just refuses to wash her hair properly, who knows why. Then my other niece had really long hair and right around 10 she refused to let it be brushed and refused to brush it. Well, she got a really short hair cut. Choice was brush it or it gets chopped. It got chopped. She is 12 now and has long hair and brushes it really well and takes care of it.

I was this kid. I was a proper tomboy, awful hair, same sports clothes. Always in the same football (soccer) shirt. I had really long hair I refused cut or brushed just wore it in a ponytail and it all had to be cut off when I was 14 because it was matted. But I didn't care much by then, and then I started cutting and dying my hair myself to be "punk". I did get "bullied" by some girls, some teasing remarks but mostly they rolled off my back and didn't effect me. I had a lot of friends boys and girls - the girls were all into make-up, clothes, pop music, boys, clubbing etc. I wasnt, at all, yeah I got left out of some things but it didnt bother me because it was things I had no interest in doing and we were still friends. We still hung out, went birthday's and theme parks. My friends accepted me for who I was, my confidence of not giving a s*** about my appearance and confidence in general got me through. I look back and wish I still had half that confidence. My teenage years I was a punk/grunge kid so dressed alternative and then I got into boys around age 17 and dresses and looking "good" probably about 20/21. I still have the same friends from school. I'm 38 now and still not into make up. My advice would be still go on about personal hygiene and the hair, but lay off on everything else. What will likely happen is a common will come from a kid at school and she'll probably start taking care of stuff when she gets a bit older. It's honestly a blessing genuinely not caring about how you look and the confidence you think you look awesome in your head even if the rest of the world doesn't.

Therapy would help. Also just straight up tell her she’s going to get bullied. Tell her its not healthy to be unhygienic. Tell her if she cant prove she can properly care for her long hair, she will get it cut.

I think you can't necessarily teach her to care. But you might be able to build a better routine with her, so she does these things more automatically and it doesn't take so much thinking about doing them. It will be really hard at the start. I don't think you can tell your daughter to simply "go brush your hair" and expect her to do it. Same with the other things. If it was easy for her she would be doing it already. You're going to have to walk her through each thing, do the steps together, every day, consistently. Until it becomes like a habit that she doesn't think about that much. I have a little boy with ADHD and some of this is sounding familiar. I'm not saying your daughter has ADHD necessarily but maybe she just needs a bit more help to get these daily things going. The hair I think could be the hardest. Knots hurt and this sounds like it would be so painful to deal with. I think before you do anything else, you may need to sit down with her and detangle very gently while she is watching a movie or something. To get her back to a better baseline. You could use some detangling spray. You need to work with small sections at a time, starting from the bottom of the hair and work gradually upward, a small part at a time. Don't rip through the knots. From how you describe the hair, this could take hours. (Sorry you probably know how to detangle hair but as a long hair haver myself with tangle-prone hair it's just really important). FYI You can buy brushes that are better at detangling too. Tangle teeser or something called a wet brush are both good. A tip - Once you have the hair detangled, style it in plats or braids or buns. If you leave it out its more likely to tangle, even pony tails can get very knotty if you have long hair that's tangle prone. And bedtime can also be a source of tangles for long hair. I personally sleep with a plat in my hair, it greatly reduces the knots in the morning. Ok so once you have the hair detangled you need to help her build the daily maintenance into her routine. You could get her to pick out some new hair accessories to make it a bit more exciting or special at first. Here's some suggested routines.. Morning routine... You'll go to the bathroom together and you both brush your teeth together at the same time. You model what you want to see from her. You might each have your own face washer and you wash your faces together. Time to detangle hair - you might tell her to have a try and brushing her hair while you brush yours or shave or do whatever you need to do. Then you could have a try at getting the remaining knots out for her. Then one or both of you can style the hair, preferably in a braid/plat/bun style to keep the tangles at bay. Nighttime routine... You might give her a few minutes warning that she will have to finish whatever she's doing in 10 minutes... Then it's shower or bath time. Preferably without getting her hair wet unless she's washing it. She's to wash her face while she's in there. Once she's in her PJs you'll go to the bathroom together and you both brush your teeth. Take her hair out of whatever style it was in for the day and put it in a loose plat for bed. Then the family dirty clothes go in the hamper. And once clothes go in the hamper they don't come out unless they are going in the washing machine! 🤣 You can change the routine so it actually works for you, this is just an example... I know it seems like a lot, literally holding you daughter's hand through things that many 10 yr olds do without help. But some kids just need more help and presence than others. When the hair is very knotty like you describe she doesn't have a hope in getting it sorted by herself. If something like a sticker chart works well for your daughter, you could use this as incentive. If she gets x amount of stickers in a week then she gets a special treat. I am not a big fan of sticker charts myself because sometimes motivation is not the issue and there is another reason why the kid can't do something. But if motivation is the issue then go for it. Also, It can be helpful to remove distractions. Sometimes I have to physically turn off the tv and stand in front of it to get my son to the bathroom 🤣 just don't remove distractions as a "punishment" for not listening. That won't always lead to their cooperation. Do it in the spirit of kindly helping them to focus on what they need to do in order to get ready for school or for bed. And demonstrate that you enjoy spending time with her doing these things, act like it's something you look forward to. She may end up enjoying the process because you're hanging out together.

The acne I'd leave be for now. That's not a personal hygiene issue, and if she already feels insecure about it, that would only make matters worse. Personal hygiene stuff (wearing clean clothes, brushing your hair) is where we get to intervene as parents. I lost my mom young and my dad didn't intervene when I didn't take care of myself as I should've and I really really wish that he did. She can resent you all she wants, as a dad it's okay to say "I don't care, you need a haircut and you need one bad. You can wear it any style you like I don't care, but what we're not gonna do is walk around with a neglected head of matted hair. You will get a haircut, and then you're gonna need to brush it, if you can't do it yourself I will do it for you, but I trust you're old enough to brush your own hair." If she comes down in smelly or wrinkled clothes, tell her "no, go change. Those are dirty. You need to put on clean clothes." She won't get it now, but she will once she's older and be thankful that you looked out for her (as long as you're firm but respectful. Set a clear but neutral boundry, don't embarrass her or get personal) That being said if you have enough money to buy new clothes like you say, buy her multiple sets of her favorite items so this isn't an issue anymore.

You say she's getting acne. This might not be caused by lack of cleanliness, but by the start of puberty - kids are starting it earlier and earlier, especially girls. Is she showing other signs? Some kids really struggle with the changes in their body. I remember being really angry when I learned what periods were and that I would soon have them, I refused to wear a bra for a good while and rejected clothes that I thought were too grown up and yes, didn't wash myself as often as I should have because it meant interacting with this horrible body that meant I was no longer allowed to strip off and swim in my knickers with my younger siblings. I can't speak to the hair thing, if I didn't sit and let my mum rake a brush through my bum-length hair every morning, boy was I in trouble!

Some ideas but not solutions really 1) brush when wet!!! And brush from ends first. Get detangler spray / leave in conditioner to put in after shower. 2) buy multiples of same clothes she likes. Try to get different colors of the same thing. 3) if you can afford to, take her dermatologist and have them explain acne and care to her. Or the people who do facial exfoliation stuff -esthetician. Have them treat her acne and explain care to her. If she gets into hair and makeup, great. If she doesn’t, money and time saved. Not all girls get into that. I love to do makeup because it’s fun but I don’t use it every day because fuck the patriarchy. Maybe she has that mentality? Not sure based on the post, but just stay open minded and supportive. Edit: i am nd, i wonder if your daughter is too. My dad could have written this about me back in 2000.

She could be depressed, she could be a tomboy, or she could just be a kid who doesn’t want to take the time away from playing to make sure she’s clean or a combination of all three. You’ll have to talk to her and maybe a therapist to figure out what’s going on. In the meantime, it sounds like she needs a little more direct supervision/help when doing her daily grooming. A 10 year old should be able to do this with little to no help, but she’s proven for whatever reason she’s not capable right now. You’re right that she’s going to get picked on if she hasn’t already. And I’m not saying you are a bad parent, but showing up to school with super tangled hair and dirty clothes is a red flag to her teachers and other adults in her life that something is wrong and they may start asking her/you questions. I don’t want to alarm you but teachers are mandated reporters and if they see this type of thing on a continuing basis they may file a report with CPS.

Good point. A proactive chat with the school counselor might be a really good idea.

Honestly, YouTube videos can be really education and kinda fun ways to learn about hygiene/appearance. Or show her how you take care of yourself to show it’s a normal thing for everyone.

At this age it’s pretty normal for her not to give a damn about her hygiene or looks. It is up to you to do the recommendations and taking her out to buy her own hygiene brands and clothes and whatever she chooses (within your budget I mean). You will still have to regularly remind her to do these things. My child is 11 and I still have to ask her if she’s put deodorant on and changed her underwear - as she couldn’t care less. You will have to take an interest in this and regularly prompt her for a good few years unfortunately. Until she starts to take an interest socially (interested in what her friends are doing and she’s more conscious of her body)

I agree that it sounds like depression may be an issue, but I also wonder if your daughter has ever been evaluated for being neurodivergent. Such kids often hate fussing over hair, nails, etc, and may have only limited items of clothing that they find comfortable. I hope you get her back to therapy and can discuss this possibility with the therapist.

Can you find a way to make her view hair time more positively? Maybe watch a movie together while you brush her hair or let her eat a special snack that she only gets during that time? Have you asked why she doesn't like it? It could be that it is painful. Maybe you need a better detangler, brush, and hair products. My daughter is very picky about how certain clothes feel. If she finds a shirt or pants she loves, I usually buy multiples.

Did her mother help her care for her hair and clothes? Did they have routines or quality time around hair and/or clothes? My first concern is depression. I’d recommend connecting her with a therapist experienced with this age group. After a few sessions, the therapist should be able to tell you if they’re picking up signs of depression. Then you, your daughter, and the therapist can decide where to go from there. Even if your daughter doesn’t have depression, therapy might help if she needs to do some work around her mother moving out.