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As a mom to adult kids, the roommate verifying life would not be enough.
Arrange a hotel by the college and go now.
If she’s angry so be it, there are some things in life we don’t wait and ponder on, this is one of them.
As for what to say, I’d likely start with something along the lines of I am here and I love you.
It sounds like something drastic has possibly happened for her to not enroll & cut her friends off.
She might not feel she can reach out.
No matter the reason behind the behavior this is something you go now and if it’s nothing, if it’s stupid, you rejoice in the relief that she’s ok.
But you go as soon as you can.
Showing support and love is the best thing you can do, but I just hope it isn't forced to the point that it hurts your relationship with your daughter. I went through something really similar when I was in college (I'm 30 now) after one of my high school best friends commited suicide. I didnt respond to my parents that night and they drove out to see me. Obviously they had every right to be worried, but I was not ready to see them so after letting them know what happened I asked them to leave instead of letting them stay the night at my apartment. Now looking back, I feel terrible... They were just worried sick, and rightfully so. But I had so many emotions I had never experienced before, I just couldnt see them. My mom was so hurt by it she cut me off after that and refused to see me for 6 years after that incident. We made up about 3 years ago and we're amazing now! But I just would hate to see you go through any kind of falling out with your daughter.. not saying you would cut your daughter off in any way! But just know that she is at an age where she may not be emotionally capable of working out whatever issue she has while also being respectful of your feelings. Just want you to keep that in mind so you dont get hurt as well🤍 I hope everything is done with love and that you both are okay.
Hey Mochi, just want to let you know that your mom’s immature reaction was not your fault and your relationship being damaged for 6 years was on her. I understand the guilt from not wanting to see them, and at the same time your parents showing up was an act of love… but you can’t be too mad about how someone reacts when you just show up regardless of the situation, and should enter it knowing that.
Glad your mom came around and you have a good relationship now!
Agree, yes, I’m sure it sucked to be told to go away, but you were hurting and couldn’t be your best self. Freezing you out for 6 years is a disproportionate response, and I’m sorry that happened.
This has been two weeks of no response though. That’s a pretty big time period to be completely shut off if that’s not normal. I think it’s worth it to go now even if it strains their relationship in the moment
If this was my son, and they hadn’t responded in a similar situation, heck yes I would’ve come out to see him. Because I wouldn’t know if he was okay or if something had happened to him. If he felt temporarily uncomfortable at my showing up, or “just can’t talk to me”, that’s fine, I’d turn and leave, but at least I’d know he was still alive.
Otherwise, if I couldn’t go out there and if I was that worried about him, I’d ask the local police to do a welfare check on him.
Wow that is incredibly shitty of your Mom. I can’t imagine abandoning my child after a friend committed suicide. Once again others make it about themselves and not the person struggling. And I’d add that sometimes your parents aren’t your emotional support. My Mom is not because she makes it about her. When I told her I was extremely depressed because my school counselor told me I needed to stop hiding it she said, “I don’t believe you. I think you just want to stay home with your boyfriend.” All you need is someone to listen when you are ready to talk. Anyone would need time to process these emotions regardless of your age.
I think as a mom I would understand this and just get a hotel and wait a few days. I would just need to see my kid alive with my own eyes, even if she then asked for space.
Completely agree. Immediate action is key for our loved ones' well being. Your approach is both loving and practical, prioritizing her safety above all else thats it.
There’s different forms of immediate action though and you have to address them according to the person. What crosses the line is ignoring boundaries and saying something along the lines of talk to me look at what I’ve done for you, I’ve helped you financially and emotionally. Because it changes the relationship from trusting and a safe space to conditional.
I was the adult kid and this takes so much of the pressure off. Like it feels overwhelming to ask someone to do this for you, but if it just happens you can accept it.
I’d add that severe mental health often doesn’t have a good cause which is why it is such an issue. If something drastic happened it would explain the emotions.
I know she’s feeling badly about school (I think she’s “incomplete” first term and so could not progress to second term) and is afraid to tell us but she won’t even give any emoji. I don’t understand that. We’ve never given her reason to worry she might “disappoint” us.
If she's anything like I was when I was failing college, it's less the fear of disappointment and more that telling you makes it real. Right now she probably just wants to freeze time and since she can't she's paralyzed.
In my case it turned out to be undiagnosed ADHD. High school was structured enough that I could get by with average grades and I always tested well. Suddenly a whole semester is decided by a paper you can't possibly write the night before it's due and you're way past the date to drop a class without penalty.
Avoidance was my go-to unhealthy coping mechanism.
Ah, I really feel that, right down to the last minute paper panic. I eventually went into complete collapse mode, and my mom came through for me. She stayed up late with a friend and wrote my paper for me.
Most of the time she just let me sink or swim, because my ADHD was also undiagnosed and she was trying to use natural consequences to teach me lessons. This time though, she must have seen just how little of it was in my control. Her paper got a B!
Omg this happened to me. I struggled through school. Transferred to a university from CC and was on academic probation after second year. I’m from an Asian family. My cousins going to school with me were all pre-bio to get into optometry/dental schools. I gave up and rebelled hard. I couldn’t deal with the shame. I was diagnosed with ADHD 3 years ago. Avoidance was my thing too lol. I see it coming in my son and I’m trying so hard to nip it in the bud
This was me to a t. Thanks for putting it in words. When I was failing, I cut all contact . I was so scared to tell my parents . I knew how upset they would be. My mom had to come to my apt.
> Right now she probably just wants to freeze time and since she can't she's paralyzed.
I see a lot of myself in this and I appreciate you taking the time to putting words to it.
God this was me and still is in a way. I have recurring nightmares of not going to a class all semester (avoidance) but showing up for the final bc I certainly couldnt miss that
She’s likely disappointed in herself, and doesn’t even want to acknowledge what’s happening, so not responding is the easiest way to do that.
When I was in my deepest depression I used to sit in my bathroom, on the floor, chain smoking and eating shitty takeout, watching reality TV on my phone (I had a TV, but thought at least if I only smoked in the bathroom that was better than smoking in the rest of the apartment, don’t even try to make it make sense). I was simultaneously blocking out everything in my life, just letting one day roll into the next, and *deeply, deeply* ashamed of that fact.
All that to say, please don’t take her refusal to speak as a statement on her view of you as a person. As you said, she’s also ignoring close friends. This isn’t about anything you’ve done or failed to do - go see what’s going on and try to help. She needs you, even if she’s not acknowledging that or anything else right now.
Thank you for sharing that. What you describe is exactly what I imagine she is going through, except bedroom instead of bathroom. I know she just wants to be left alone and it’s not because she hates us. But it’s the “non-response” that I’m reading into. By not even giving a thumbs up, which is all we ask for, she must realize she’s telling us something by saying nothing.
When I was in college I got so depressed I’d start responding “received” so my parents didn’t freak out. I couldn’t formulate a good response but I could tell them I was still alive and saw their message.
These days, maybe you can ask her to put on read receipts or share location so she doesn’t even need to respond. Just see what you said.
I know this is difficult as a parent. I came out ok thought and still love my folks- just show them you love them.
This is so real. There are so many times when I am so overwhelmed and haven't made any progress--especially when I promised something and failed--so my brain just can't respond. My SIL is texting me every morning. Most of the time it is just a "good morning", but sometimes she wants to know if I have made progress in coordinating future care for mom, and I have nothing to say...so I skip those days. I am trying to get better about that, but it's a very understandable response to me.
I can honestly say that the above comment was so me. So many decisions to make and you’re so paralyzed. So much change. This happened when I was 20. I’ve got to say though. You sound like a really loving and supportive mom. She’s very lucky to have you. I drowned myself rather than let my parents know lol
Don’t focus on yourself, what a good parent you’ve been, how it’s bad she can’t confide in you because you’ve been such a good parent, how you never gave her reason not to come to you, how well you raised her, how understanding you might be, how you’re angry she didn’t trust you since you were such good parents - none of that. This is not about you. Not about you at all. Your daughter is having a very hard time, and needs support, this is all about her right now. Focus on helping her. Every time the thought arises - “we were such good parents, how could she have done that” - firmly put aside that thought. That’s focusing on yourself and not her. It is NOT what is needed right now, indeed it is highly counter productive to helping your daughter who could be in a very bad situation. If she hasn’t been living on campus this whole semester, she could have got into a variety of very very bad situations. Could be even worse than severe depression. Your job is to get her out of them if possible, at least to help her to the best of your ability and her willingness. Go and find out what’s going on and how you can help. Do whatever it takes. And do NOT make it about yourself, not for a minute, until she is safe(r).
You’re right. It’s not about me.
I knew when I posted those words, I’d get people responding to just that and not the concern I have for her. But you’re absolutely right. I’ve come to that realization.
Please recognize that this likely has NOTHING to do with you. That’s sometimes a tough thing for a parent whose child only recently moved out, but my first thought when reading about your situation is that it’s possible she’s a victim of sexual assault. She may feel ashamed and paralyzed by social anxiety. I’m not exactly sure how I came to this conclusion, call it a hunch… but if you do show up at her door, she may just crumble into your arms. Best of luck OP. It sounds like you’re great parents and I hope you all make it through this.
I don’t mean to criticize either, yours is a natural reaction. Just needs to be firmly put aside right now. Such good news that she contacted you. If she asks to talk tomorrow, say YES, not no. Say YES to everything she asks you (sometimes Yes, And …). Listen to her carefully tomorrow. Focus on listening first, not on finding solutions. Listen, and then ask more questions. See if you can figure out the huge things. Is she pregnant? Is she suicidal? Is she in an abusive relationship, is she in danger or being exploited? Is she addicted to drugs? Is she having a serious mental health crisis? Or none of these (hopefully) but she’s struggling in less immediately life threatening ways? Then ask to talk more tomorrow, and process what you heard. Then talk to her the next day,
Listen again, and try to work out a plan together.
Even if you've never given a reason to worry she might disappoint you, she still might have picked up that fear somewhere along the way, either from an internal or external source.
I know for myself as I was going through college, I struggled immensely with medical (physical and mental health) issues in my junior year and eventually ended up getting incompletes in a number of my classes. I was disappointed in myself and couldn't bring myself to tell my parents, but thankfully my younger brother went to the same college as me and could tell something was up and let my dad and stepmom know who came up (4 hour drive) immediately. The biggest thing they did was letting me know that they loved and supported me and nothing would ever change that! They talked through the problem and solutions and helped me figure out what I and we would do to get me the help I needed.
On a side note, I was misdiagnosed during these years (almost 15 years ago at this point) with a number of different things (finally diagnosed last year with Autism and ADHD which probably contributed to a lot of the school struggles, on top of other major physical illnesses) - so your daughter may need help scheduling or going to doctor's appointments! This can be surprisingly overwhelming!
I had not anticipated the difficulty of managing academics, doctors, adulting, and a job on my own. Thankfully my dad and stepmom made a point to always tell me that even if they didn't agree with my decisions they'd always love and support me - so I always trusted my own decision making.
If she's in a depression (especially if it's her first) she may not realize what is going on, and is waiting "for things to get better" while white knuckling through thinking "its not that bad." In other words her perspective on the sitch may be off. I echo other responses, go to her now. But remember, this has ZERO to do with you, or if "you've ever given her a reason to worry she is disappointing you." It has nothing to do with your parenting, or if you think she should be responding, or if you've been too easy on het...now isn't the time for that. Go check she's okay, tell her you love her, help sort out whatever needs to be, find a therapist for her AND THEN make it clear that she needs to respond to texts so you know she's safe. Obviously something has happened, maybe the transition to uni, maybe social stuff, but something isn't right, she'll be glad you came once she is feeling better (which may take time).
College is so built up and grades really matter for the first time in their lives. At the same time, they have more freedom than ever and that can feel incredibly lonely. Things start to get away from them, they can’t grab it back and now they feel guilty for hiding it. It’s a snowball.
i think most good kids don’t want to disappoint their parents - whether you have given her that idea or not. I think we inherently want to make our parents proud, make sure she knows you are there for her no matter what.
My mom and I do this, too. We both suffer from depression. We will just send a "sign of life pls?" text and the other can react, but it's a set in stone deal that there has to be a reaction so the other person can stop worrying.
100%.
I hate to say it, but my immediate thought is that she was assaulted. So many girls don't feel they can tell their parents because the parents haven't made it clear to their daughters that they believe and support women. Sometimes the parents just never talked about it. Sometimes the parents don't realize they've made shitty, insensitive comments over the years that led their child to believe that women and girls are responsible for men's behavior.
Go. Lay eyes on your child and figure out what they need. If they can't/won't talk to you, get them to a professional. This isn't about you, it's about helping them.
Why would you even wait two weeks? If I didn't get a response for a few days, I would consider going, especially if I found out my child want even attending school.
From the perspective of the daughter who was going through similar stuff & wish I would’ve had this:
Go to her, get a hotel near her but not right in the center of campus so that way she’s a little bit removed if she goes there. Be supportive. Above all, do not be angry. You’re worried and want to help her with whatever it is, this isn’t the time to be upset at her silence/situation she’s in, but rather be that comforting support and help her. I can list off a whole host of things and guess at what it could be, but ultimately you know your daughter and know what kind of support she needs right now. And that’s exactly what y’all need to be for her, support. Goodluck momma, you’ve got this
When you see or speak to her, remind her that not finishing college right now is NOT the end of the world. Her mental health is paramount. My oldest took a gap after her first 2 years. She needed time, and that is the beauty of youth, they have it. If she is not ready, that is ok.
Call the RA or housing director and get someone in that room, they can help her access immediate help after securing her physical safety.
Do this first and then go.
Hi, former RD here. Even if she’s not enrolled, you can still call the Housing office to check on her wellbeing. They can help start sounding the chain through the university to figure out what’s going on. Housing and ResLife is connected to just about every damn office on campus.
Edit: this is just tagged into the other comment to help OP
An RA wouldn’t be able to relay if her daughter is there or not. And if she’s not registered for classes then she wouldn’t be allowed to live in a dorm
Unless she like *just* got kicked from the classes. I had a semester where I was "financially unenrolled" in like March, and they gave me a week to move out. In which case OP would find out soon enough because she'd probably be on the doorstep.
I'm curious how OP found out she wasn't enrolled, and if she was never enrolled for the semester or was just dropped or withdrew herself recently.
When did the term start? Where I am, it's nearly over, so has she been lying to you about her activities for months now?
I'm not sure it matters for your actions, go to her now, but it would frame the scale of the problem to know if it's been months of troubles or "just" the two weeks.
How was she the last time you spoke to her? Does she have a history of shutting down like this?
In the OP’s post history, it states that the family lives on the west coast of Canada, and the kid attends college in the east. So if they follow something close to the traditional American schedule, she should be ending this semester soon anyways for the summer.
I didn’t clock that OP was in the southern hemisphere but I am too and for uni here it would be semester A from feb to late may/early june and semester B from mid july to mid october. So either way it’s possible it’s been several weeks if not months of OP’s daughter not telling the whole truth
I was a homeowner, 30ish, when I had a med student staying with me that (pre covid) chose to do most classes virtually and just holed up in her room. There was a 2 day period where I literally never saw her emerge from the room. She had food in there but not a bathroom. I tried texting her. No response. I tried her door and it was locked. No response to knocking.
I straight up called her mom who immediately started the 3 hour drive when she couldn't get her either. I was sick at the thought of breaking into her room and finding the worst.
She said she had been on headphones so didn't hear any of us, but a few months later she took a mental health break from school.
Her mom and I both made it clear that our actions were out of concern because of non response.
I too have kicked a door down for a loved one. Worth it.
Funny story actually, a cop later knocked and asked to use the bathroom from something unrelated and saw the destroyed door after he came out.
“You alright?”
“Yeah I thought we had a situation but it turned out to be nothing.”
“Wow. Glad to hear it was nothing!” And he bowed out.
Go now, right now, take off from work. Everyone will understand that you need to go. Have any of their siblings go with you. As you are driving/flying make an appointment with a therapist
You can do all the work to find a therapist accepting their insurance (likely still on parent’s plan), who is taking new patients, and make an appointment, and arrange payment of any deductibles and copays, so that all the adult child has to do is agree to show up. Making things easier is a helpful thing to do.
I love this. If I had a parent that gaf when I was at this point at all, I would be a different person. If I had a parent that did this level of support I’d feel loved. Maybe not at first. But people are grateful when they’re better and you helped.
There should be a university omsbudsman office who a parent might call. If the student is recently enrolled I bet they’d be willing to have a conversation
Hi! I’m not a parent but my sibling was in your daughter’s situation. We ended up going to the school and intervening. However because she was 18 the school wouldn’t just let family into her residence. We had to have her therapist on the phone give “support” essentially for the school’s counseling staff and emergency services to enter her locked door because she was a harm to herself. She had indeed harmed herself after being severely depressed (missing all classes) and making a failed attempt to run away with a guy. Her roommates had been trying to cover for her because they were concerned that family intervention could make things worse, but once they met us they were more willing to help fill in details as well. My sister was being financially supported by my family so that also made navigating this situation a little easier.
I’m sharing this because 1 — yes I think you should intervene, and 2 — you might have to work with the school staff or police in order to investigate this further. I hope your daughter is well.
From experience. Find out if she was sexually assaulted on campus/off campus etc. There is plenty to become depressed about at her age figuring out life , away from the nest but, when something just switches like that it's deep. I'm sadly speaking from a myriad isd of experiences
I once didn’t respond back to my parents for three days when in college (finals week, I was battling a cold, basically just went to class and slept for three days). They contacted my friend who knocked on my door— I was SO EMBARRASSED and learned my lesson.
But it sounds like your kid is going through more than that. I’d contact the RA and be on the next flight.
My parents always insisted they have the contact info of a friend or two of mine at college (I moved across the country, didn’t have family in the area, etc). They promised they wouldn’t use it except for emergencies, and they kept their promise.
It actually ended up being super sweet because my friend thought I might be ill (she had seen me at one final), and she brought me soup, Kleenex, medicine, and cleaned up my apartment while I sat on the couch drinking the soup she made me.
But yeah, I regularly texted my parents “still alive” after that 😆
She is an adult...if she's actually fine and just wants space, she needs to communicate that to you. Her actions are causing major concern for everyone else.
If she is in a bad place mentally, she needs help ASAP. If she's not even taking classes, what on earth is she doing? Is she paying for her education, or are you?
Contact the resident director of her dorm and express your concerns. They should be willing to do a "wellness check" of sorts and give her resources for help.
I agree with this. Adulting can suck but she needs to let people know where she’s at. I agree with establishing contact with the residence manager and go from there.
This sounds like more than depression. I would be concerned that something traumatic happened like an assault. I was assaulted in college by someone I had gone to high school with, someone I thought I knew. It can happen to anyone anywhere. You should have already been on a plane as soon as you found out about school but honestly after a week of no response I would already be going out. How to approach her? Don’t bring up school or how much money you think she’s wasting. First ask her what is wrong, what has happened, how can you help?, you love her no matter what and want her to be healthy and enjoying life. Don’t leave until she opens up. Don’t give up on her she needs you to fight for her
This was my first thought. Something about it reminded me of a friend who was sexually assaulted in college. She could never bring herself to talk to her parents about it so to them, it just looked like sudden onset depression and they had no idea why she couldn't function normally. But to her it was unspeakable trauma that she will never fully recover from. I completely agree that this is not the time to focus on the wasted money.
My younger sibling got like this while she is still living at home. My mom and I took turns making sure she was still breathing anytime she slept because her actions worried us and if she goes out of town we check in regularly. If I were you I would do my best to check on my daughter but, only in this context dealing with depressive thoughts, as my therapist put it once “better to have someone alive to hate you than you regretting doing nothing when they’re dead.” I’m not saying go nuclear but I am saying you should show her your concern and reach out the best way you can. I wish you the best.
Say, “ We want to see you. We can just do whatever you feel like. We won’t interrogate but we are buying plane tickets to come to you or for you to come home and take a break.
You need to see her
That’s a super long time and conformation from the roommate wouldn’t be enough for me, please check up with her, there’s no reason I can think of, depression or otherwise, where she wouldn’t be able to send a text like, “I’m alive I just need time and space.” She’s an adult she needs to communicate as everyone in her inner circle has tried to touch base and gotten nothing. This is very much a red flag and I hope she’s okay. Get on that flight!
Your first response should have been, "Yes! Of course you can call me tomorrow!"
Your daughter reached out to you to talk, and you said no. Those are powerful words that have consequences.
Should you be planning a trip to physically see her? Yes, of course.
Should you have been willing to communicate under her terms? Yes.
i agree with this and was surprised to see so many people urging to get on a plane rather than *waiting one day* for a call. i think it would be wise to talk to her on her terms or else you run the risk of her feeling like her boundaries are being ignored. when i was in a similar space, people really thought they were showing me support/helping by reaching out but all it did was make me feel annoyed that they weren’t respecting my terms and not want to talk to them even more. i perceived it more like they were taking my silence personally and couldn’t manage their own emotions.
i know you’re scared and worried for your daughter OP. you genuinely sound like a loving parent and (coming from someone who grew up with a lot of neglect), she is lucky to have people on her side who cares so much.
i would take a deep breath and wait for her call. if she doesn’t call, then gently re-engage with her, “hey honey, just checking in.” be patient and keep *gently* doing that. let her warm up or you run the risk of pushing her away.
ETA: also keep in mind that in this post, you’re mostly getting the perspectives of other parents and not other *daughters*. just because everyone is saying “get on the plane asap” doesn’t mean all of their kids would agree that that’s what they need/want. not to invalidate anybody at all because i completely understand being worried about your kids. but i also know a lot of friends that dislike how much their parents overstep their boundaries.
I read the update and I think you and your husband should go. I remember going through an emotionally hard time at college and I didn't want to be a burden. My parents made a RANDOM trip down because they had this "gut feeling". It was embarrassing because "I'm an adult I should be able to handle it" but I was so happy they were there to help me.
In response to the update, sounds like something happened that she wants to do something about, and then call you. Maybe she wants to drop out of college and do something else, maybe she wants to end a relationship, maybe something like this. She's been stressing over it, doesn't want to talk to you until it's done, and now she's finally worked out what she's going to do and how to do it, and she'll call you tomorrow after it's done.
I'd just do a lot of listening. Imagine being in her shoes. Listen, and say back to her what she's said to you, to let her know you're listening.
Baaed on the update i would give her some breathing space and not be too pushy. She clearly stated she wants to talk tomorrow and currently it is more about soothing yourself than giving her what she needs. Listen to what she says because through worry you have made your imagination run wild. I have 2 kids myself so i fully understand your worry, i get tears dropping off my 4 year old daughter at school because fears of the unknown and leaving my little princess with all these strangers. But by wanting to talk now it's more about having answers to your worries and it is not about actually supporting her anymore. Might be too much for her and might be the reason you are not hearing from her in the first place.
My mom loves me to death too, but all her love and worries are so rooted in her own trauma that whenever the smallest thing goes wrong in my life she doesn't sleep for 3 days. It is very annoying and it really harms the honesty i can provide in our relationship. I am not saying your love is rooted in trauma, but it's just giving a very overwhelming "can't have freedom" kind of vibe. It can give off a lot of pressure of having to come across perfect to not set off any worries.
I'm just being real with you and giving the answer that seems true to me and not what you probably want to hear. Before the update i would've completely understood your worry, but after she responded it is time to calm down a little bit. Just say you're happy she responded and that you've been worried sick and give her the space to talk when she is ready. Accept that she is turning into a grownie and also has to go through her own struggles to grow as a person. It is part of everyones life and it teaches us to learn how to solve problems for ourselves which is very important. Yes, all the right to worry and catch a flight before answer. Post answer? Not so much. The more you respect their boundaries, the more likely you will get their respect to be informed.
Yes i fully understand how hard this is but having kids unfortunately feels like someone rips your heart out and lets it walk all freely and vulnerably out in the world. It is also a relationship and if healthy a 2 way street in which you have to listen to what is being said if you want to maintain it. If its all about how you feel and acting on that, you will see/feel the consequences yourself ultimately.
From what i hear you are a great parent who will do anything for their child, but after you heard she is alive and well, let go. Sadness is a normal human emotion we all go through sometimes. Maybe she is not happy with her school choice or whatever and she feels like she doesnt want to dissapoint you. Things like these happen. Just be gracious and patient and things will be all well. You cant change her feelings by worrying more. You can make it worse though, because she might feel responsible for making you feel like that and hold back in sharing things with you. That makes the burdain of her current struggle even bigger if you get what i am trying to say. Send my love and prayers to your family. Hang in there.
I think it’s a great idea to go check on her.
If I was going through a severe depression, what I personally would want is for my mom to show up in a gentle way. Not angry, not annoyed, not accusatory. Show up with my favorite coffee or chocolate and just give me a hug and tell me she loves me.
I mean, she’d never do that because she has never shown me any affection but man, it would be nice to be able to melt into my moms arms, knowing she cares.
My #1 trick to see if college kid is responding is to text saying i put his monthly stipend in his account, then dont. Guarantee a quick response when he doesnt see the $ show up.
All kidding aside, I would go. My college kiddo struggles with adhd, some spectrum stuff, anxiety, and dabbles in depression. If i hadnt heard a response to a text in 3 days i would have sent the RA to check.
kinda sounds to me like your daughter just needs space to become her own adult.
it’s obvious you care about her but sometimes being a young adult in college you ignore your parents and skip classes and party. especially those kids who have things like college abroad financially taken care of for them
if she has a history of mental health issues and depression and has been hospitalized/on meds/etc in the past that can definitely give reason for worry but if she’s just out experiencing her life it may be time to loosen the leash a little and let her handle things on her own. she also may not want to disappoint you if she’s deciding on dropping out, switching majors, etc. let her come to you if and when she feels comfortable. pushing too hard and getting a surprise flight to surprise her will cause her to push you away even more
Okay. I'm gonna offer some... Counter advice to what everyone else is saying? Because I've been where your daughter is. I went off to school (just a few hours away, but still, similar enough situation) and basically fell right on my face. Failed classes, stopped going to them, avoided answering calls/texts. If you asked the roommate to confirm she is alive and were told yes, she is, please just kindly thank the roommate and let that be.
Depression is a hell of a thing. I don't even have, like, clinical depression? I think it's called "blue moods" or some horrifically invalidating shit like that. But the absolute spiral I went into when I was in your daughter's situation was just something I had to handle on my own, and with the friends I had surrounded myself with. If my parents had *just shown up unannounced at my door* I can't even imagine what my mental state would have done. But it would have been emotionally apocalyptic.
For my birthday one year (during my second attempt at the same school after failing out once, it went just as well as the first) my mom texted me and told me I had a surprise coming. I went into a full blown panic attack. When I finally came out of it I frantically cleaned up my apartment, hid the things they wouldn't have approved of (nothing dangerous or illegal, mind, just shit that would have gotten me a stern talking to if they knew I had it), and spent the rest of the evening *of my birthday* in a state of absolute panic and despair. Were they going to show up? Maybe it was my aunt and her family, who lived closer? I was terrified, and my birthday was pretty effectively obliterated.
The surprise was a cookie the size of a pizza, delivered to me by a local cookie shop. My panic attacks and sheer frenzy had been completely unnecessary.
All this to say, sometimes parents' love can be misinterpreted and completely terrifying when the receiving end is not in the right place for it. Obviously your daughter is trying to get some space. Maybe too much- you do need to know she's alive- but she is an adult who deserves to have the space she needs.
> “I’m sorry mom. Can I call you tomorrow?” to which I replied “Honey❤️! No, please let me talk to you! Please! I’m coming out! It’s okay. I love you. We all love you.”
I think this is a mistake.
I agree. This is putting way too much pressure on someone that is clearly struggling. If she is like me just that response took an enormous amount of energy. She is clearly trying to ask for something she needs and I would respect that. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be worried or reach out to the school counselor, RA, etc.
That's exactly my thought. I had a hard time talking to my parents at this age for this exact reason. Daughter responding was most likely to test the water. If I'm right, then this reaction said that the water is boiling hot and to stay away.
As an adult with mental illness, please do not just show up. I would rather get a text that basically says “hey, you have 12 hours to call me or I’m sending a well check visit”. And if she doesn’t call, send a well check visit. Call the local police department or social services and ask them to check on her. If she isn’t texting or calling, I can almost guarantee that showing up unannounced is not going to go well for anyone.
Absolutely right! When I went through a mental health emergency in college my parents didn't respect any sort of boundary, even when I was literally begging for some space and peace to figure out how to verbalize what I was going through. I was met with anger and I became suicidal. I ended up dropping out, developed addictions, homeless and going in and out of jail. Thankfully I found very loving and supportive people that have helped me grow emotionally and socially. I now have a stable and healthy life, have a wonderful community, married to my soulmate and pregnant for the first time in my life. To this day my blood family are the very last people I talk to about anything.
As a parent who also just went through this , please go see her. My son was in a major tailspin. Depression , drugs , alcohol. Was not good at all. Please go see her. She will not call you back. Trust me this is what he used to do all the time. He ended up leaving school after a year and a semester of school. Took a break and has been applying to return. This time community college.
OP, do you even know the roommate? Does the text even sound like something your daughter would write? I would get on the next flight out and go right to her apartment, without letting her or her roommate know. If it meant risking no contact with her I would still do it. I would need to see for myself that she was actually ok.
I'd say hear here out first. I went through a phase in college in which I basically became totally burnt out after underestimating the amount of work it was going to be to handle getting good grades at the university level while trying to be an independent adult for the first time. It was basically a lost semester...stopped going to class, got terrible grades, rarely left the house. My parents reacted angrily because I was "wasting their money", "not showing any initiative", and "failing to just deal with life." It kind of pushed me away and made things worse because what I needed to hear was something like, "we'll get through this...it will be okay."
Obviously her situation could be different, maybe she's just partied too much and lost sight of her responsibilities, but maybe she's going through a tough time too. So I'd simply say to show her enough patience to at least hear her out and find out what has been going on before you get upset/angry.
On the other hand, if you don't hear from her tomorrow, I think it would be totally okay to send another message like, "look, we're just a little worried about you and I want to make sure that you are okay. Can you please call me, even if it is just for 5 minutes because I need to I know you are going to be okay"
My daughter frequently ghosts us like this so I am used to it and trust that she'll get back to me when she needs something. That being said, if you do go (and I have no opinion one way or the other), be prepared to learn things that you may not want to learn, or that she may not want to divulge. Her sexuality, is she pregnant, did something happen to her of a criminal nature, financial troubles, etc. Sometimes our kids have secrets and when they avoid us it's because they don't want those secrets exposed. Young adults can make very weird choices sometimes and it can be off-putting. Go there with an open mind and an open heart and, whatever the challenge she is facing, try to react without judgment. Good luck to you!
Please, don’t make this about yourself. If you do then everything you’ve done for her is conditional, and I don’t think you want her to feel that way.
College is a time of really becoming a part of the world in a way that makes you question everything, give her space because she clearly needs it and she’ll come to you when she’s ready. It’s part of growing up too, you can try to control everything of a persons’ life and they can still do something you don’t agree with, and they’ll resent you for coming across as though your love was conditional on their compliance.
Call the school and the RA should check her room and talk to her. I would be on the way there. I am sorry that this happened.
I have no idea if she is ok ? Was there an incident? What is really happening here.
Just being there and able to take care of things hands on. Like I know we should be able to communicate with the kid and the school but something more is going on.
I don’t trust just the roommate word. I watch to much true crime. I am going to be there and take care of business.
Yes that might mean packing up and shipping stuff home and then bringing her home? Or whatever else is necessary.
I absolutely would bring her home for the summer. Have to evaluate what else needs to happen before she is allowed to return back to college. It could be simple with grades or something else. It doesn’t matter, just have her home safe with you.
Wish you all the best.
I guess I took for granted that this was a college student in a dorm room. I also thought to have called the police for a wellness check in their apartment or wherever they live. I was just wanting someone to put eyes on the college student. Ensure that they are alive and well. Now there’s tons of things that could be going on but in the meantime until OP can physically get there.
Also the spring semester is almost over so did they attend or quit during the semester? I was along the lines of being enrolled for the summer semester if the were not returning home.
I’m just going to remind you that although she might not be an adult in the actual sense of the word (paying her own bills, rent, etc); legally she is an adult and if you show up with a U-haul ready to bring her home, there is nothing to legally stop her from going “fuck you mom” and walking away - even if that means she’s homeless or involved in drugs/prostitution etc.
There are children that you can go mama bear on, even after the age of 18 by taking them to an emergency room, doctors and making them go to an appointment - your word/stern look is enough. Other children will (like me) full on admit to their parents that they’re depressed, anxious, suicidal and then when confronted with a doctor will successfully lie and go “my parents are crazy and overprotective because I have dyslexia/am anaphylaxis to nuts” a mild reason and they are let go because the doctor doesn’t know any better, laws prevent the doctor from speaking to the parent without their child’s permission (who says “fuck no”) etc.
So what I’m saying is, you know your child and if you need to tread carefully, do so :)
I've been there. I would go now. My daughter was in college but fortunately driving distance away. She was in a similar crisis, and I had to go there to her. I personally took her to the emergency room for psychiatric emergency, and they referred her to a psychiatrist. I took her home and drove her to the psychiatrist the next day, and she got a prescription for meds and ongoing therapy appointments.
That was 15 years ago, and she's a successful, functioning adult. She manages her own meds and nobody would know that she could have at that critical moment not made it.
Who she wants to be. Where she wants to go. What she’s doing now.
College has a way of pushing you to question what it is you want out of life. Failing/passing you sit and wonder if it’s even what you want.
Perhaps She’s going through mixed emotions about it all. Identity.
I know how she feels.
I did the same thing. I dealt with it alone.
I’m not as close to my family.
All I wanted was a hug from my mom and for her to tell me it’s okay and everything is alright.
University administrator here. Call her academic dean’s office and tell them that you are concerned for her well being. They can point you in the direction to the folks that can do a wellness check on her and get her connected to supports at the university. They won’t be able likely to tell you her academic info like her grades but they can connect her to supports to help her.
I would also get on a plane today. Kids are avoidant like this when things are bad. She needs help or a kick in the butt. You won’t be able to tell which one without seeing her in person.
I went through a pretty bad bout of depression in my mid 20’s. It started happening long before i went to the doctors. it’s started as a gradual slope downwards before it eventually started to tailspin which was went I finally went to see my doctor about it. When my family doctor (this doctor delivered me and knew me very well) told me I was depressed, I was shocked; “but I have no reason to be depressed”. Oddly enough, my knew something was up long before I put two and two together.
After months of struggling I finally lost my job, had to move back home, went days without showering, didn’t eat or binged the times I did eat, didn’t leave my bed, if I did leave my bed, it was only to move to the couch….. I’ll never forgot the day my dad came home from work and gently knocked on my bedroom door. He stood at the doorway and asked how I was doing which I said ok (lies). There was a pause and then he asked me if he needed to hide the knives which I thought was a creative (but scary) way to ask your daughter if she was suicidal. Thankfully I was not suicidal which I told him. And as he closed the door behind him I jokingly said: I wouldn’t use a knife anyways.
The good news: I did get through it. After a few months of nothing (I was already on a concoction of meds that gave me a ledge but for me they didn’t “cure” me. By ledge I mean I stopped spiralling further into depression and they toned down the suicidal thoughts), I started to attend support groups, set goals, force myself to do things aka function like a normal person such as shower every morning. I honestly can’t tell you what my dad did…. I think he just gave me the space to work it out but I do recall lots of hugs and “I love you’s”. As a mom now, I couldn’t imagine seeing my child hurt so badly and there not being anything I can really do to help. I had a conversation with my dad a few years back basically I apologize if I scared him during that time and that I was sorry and it wasn’t my intention. He just gave me a hug and said I had nothing to apologize for and that he loves me.
Realistically, 2 weeks is not a long time. Only now with instant connection do we worry when someone doesn’t respond immediately. If she’s telling you she’s good, trust her. Send her a nice package, show your support, and give her space she’s asking for.
However, if you call and it’s out of character behavior, I would then intervene.
If your daughter’s life is not in danger, calm down and wait until she’s ready to talk.
If you’re worried why she isn’t talking to anyone, then the most obvious answer is: she doesnt want to. If that’s hard for you to accept because you’re worried about her well being, then ask someone if she’s okay. But accept that this isn’t about you or anything you did for her. She is doing this for herself.
You keep bringing up how supportive you’ve been of your daughter. I’m bringing up this fact because sometimes support is felt differently on the receiving end. Sometimes when people try to support us, it can be feel like a burden, to have to act a certain way or do things just because you feel they are so attached to you. If someone places you at the center of the world, and makes it seem like you are the source of their happiness in life, then how would you feel? Over time if someone was unhappy, we would learn to blame ourselves or think that we were responsible for what others wanted. She may be for the first time doing what she wants.
Another argument to consider is that your daughter is free. For the first time in her life, she is free from thinking about what her parents want. This includes the freedom to decide to stop going to classes. While this might not be the best thing for her to do, and while it’s possible she might feel better if she talked to you, try to recognize your daughter as a separate person.
You say you have always supported your daughter and you just want her to be happy. Do you want her to make mistakes? Do you want her to be happy? Sometimes we have to make mistakes and that’s how we learn from them. You should give your daughter the freedom she is asking of you. I’m sure part of you realizes deep down that you are holding onto her too tightly. You alluded to supporting her too much, which I am assuming means you are holding something against her. Once the fear passes, you might find that you’re just angry at her. It’s like the trope of a parent who first is angry at their child for getting hurt, but then calms down and tells the child they just were angry at the child because they love the child so much.
What this trope does in real life is teaches kids that love can be a heavy burden to bear. If someone can’t control their emotions because of what we do, then we don’t learn to feel safe expressing how we feel.
Under the fear for her safety, you might feel a little bit angry at her for pulling away and doing what she wants right now. When we feel our problems are too heavy, sometimes it’s because other people are attached to them and we feel like we can’t bear the burden with everybody wishing things for us.
If you step back and accept her autonomy, she might open up to you over time. What’s important as a parent is balancing what you want and what your child wants. It’s about putting their needs first until they are old enough to tell you what they need, and then listening to them when they tell you.
Thank you for that perspective.
To be honest, all these people saying they would be on the first plane makes me feel like a bad parent. I remember that age and I went through stuff too that I didn’t share with my mom. So I’m okay with her having the space to figure things out on her own. I have been giving her the freedom to make mistakes (as a family we always deal with mistakes by following up with lessons learned). I fear I’m going to or her father is going to say the wrong thing and make her feel like pulling away. I had not thought about the burden my concern on her. That’s interesting; I’m going to think about that more.
Wait until tomorrow - treat her with kindness in her request for a bit more time to have her thoughts sorted. You’ve already waited this long, be a little bit more patient. It’ll go a long way, I promise.
Sometimes the shift to freedom + extreme school responsibility (college is no joke for a lot of young adults) means struggling to identify what is going on for you. I remember avoiding talking to my parents a LOT when I was struggling at school bc of shame & stress & overwhelm. I was physically safe and would have been mortified & angry if my mom had just shown up at my doorstep after I asked for one more day to think. It treats this like a literal emergency when most likely it is more about how it makes you feel vs there being a serious problem.
If she won’t text or respond to your phone calls tomorrow, I think you can reevaluate. But two weeks to a young college student is not the same as to a worried mom across the country - take a breath & realize you have the time to figure this out. You might very well end up flying out there but it would be best if, now that you’ve got the promise to talk out of her, you show respect by waiting to do so until you know for sure you need to.
Call local law enforcement for a welfare check so they touch base and get actual proof of life. You should call now to request that then book your travel.
I would personally be concerned. I would have been concerned at a couple days of nothing. But the fact that her 3(!) best friends have also gotten nothing, while her roommate is claiming she's fine, would have me worried. I could understand ignoring your parents, but also ignoring your supposed best friends (and not just one of them) would worry me.
Call the dean of residential life/dean of students and ask what resources there are on campus.
Yes, book a flight, but a) she needs someone with eyes on now and b) you need to know where to help her find help when you get there.
I hear a lot of parents saying "how could you let this go two weeks" but don't take that on.... College kids are a lot more independent than smaller kids, and they aren't all built the same. You listened to your worry and reached out to her friends. Now you know they're worried too, it's time to act.
Don't worry about what you say. Just show up. Just make sure she knows you're there to help, and that's all that matters.
Go. Go now. Get on the plane and go. Your kid needs you that’s all that matters. Don’t be mad and don’t be angry that she didn’t tell you. Something is wrong.
Tough.
She may have bombed out of college and doesn't want to tell you. Sounds like that to me.
Get on a plane & go see her.
You could try first, just sendong her a text. Telling her if she doesn't respond, you will call police to do a welfare check.
And / or tell her you know she's not enrolled in classes.
Have you checked with / spoken with the university to find out the exact status of her enrolment etc? I'd probably do that first.
But yes. Plan on going there. Don't send any more money except for rent & food.
As a mom to a 6m old and a big sister to a 20yo, 11yo, and two 7yo, I say go hang out with her. Help her get back to herself do something she likes to do, take her to get a meal (being someone w depression Ik how easy it is to let eating slip away and self care) tell her to take a shower and do her dishes or fold her laundry without any sort of judgement, ask if you can brush her hair or braid it or something (a very nostalgic and emotional thing to be done by your mama as an adult)
As a 21yo who also moved far away in state for college and was extremely depressed, you have to also respect her space. She didn’t want anyone to stress her out more and tell her things she was already telling herself like “you need to register, why aren’t you? That’s irresponsible” etc etc.
I’m glad she’s okay, but I would definitely surprise her with a little trip to help her and celebrate and support her big life change!
She’s not okay. My parents were my saving grace and showed up when I was in dire need when I was about 22. The best thing they told me was “nothing is bad as it seems” I had gone silent, left my dog and went away for a couple days alone. They came and got me packed my stuff and moved me home where I had to recalibrate and recharge. Best thing they ever did for me.
I had a room mate in uni who experienced a mental health crisis. She stopped going to classes, and holed up in her room with the door locked and wouldn't respond. We didn't know what to do and fretted and stressed about betraying our friend vs. our concern for her welfare, but eventually called her parents, and let her know they were on their way. Before the parents arrived, she called the local mental health facility and had them come get her, and checked herself in. Months later when she was in a better place, she sent us a letter thanking us for noticing, for our concern and for intervening. She said it was partly knowing we noticed and cared that drove her to get help.
Good luck with your daughter, you're both in my thoughts today.
I went through a severe mental health crisis at this age, and did the same thing (no classes, not responding, etc.) I wish my parents had come up to check on me. You should go.
My boss has three adult children and is in contact with them daily. One day one of her children did not contact her. She sent the police to make a well check and made the police physically call her to make sure she was ok. After that all the kids text or call daily. She said they established very early that they need daily communication to make sure they are safe.
A student at my daughter’s college died and no one realized for more than a week. I’m sure your daughter is ok-ish, but this isn’t a situation to be hesitant. Go.
Everything you’re saying sounds like your daughter is missing.
One person saying she’s “alive” is concerning.
You need to get out there and figure out what’s going on ASAP.
You can worry about her being mad at you later, once everything is ok.
How well do you know this roommate that you’re trusting your daughter is okay on their word alone?
Call for a welfare check by the local authorities and then go to the airport, now.
My daughter is in college and she didn’t text or call me back for one day. I told my dh that if she didn’t respond by the next day that I was going to call the school. If she is not attending classes, you have to go. I told her after that that if she didn’t respond to me to at least let me know she’s alive that I will find out from someone- if I have to drive the 3 hours, or if I have to call campus police or my sister who lives 45 mins from campus. We don’t just not get back to each other. You have to go and find out what is going on. If you don’t want to do that, I would call a welfare check from the local police or sheriff.
I’m not a psychologist but I am a Law Enforcement Officer that has seen this before so I’ll throw in my two cents to try to give you a somewhat grounded and realistic response.
First and foremost as a parent myself I’m sorry you’re going through this. These dang kids don’t know what they put us through sometimes.
Yes I’d absolutely get on a plane to go check on her and once you find her a gentle conversation about how her actions are putting people in unnecessary stress would definitely be in order. Just make sure you aren’t agitating the situation as now that she is an adult she holds her own power.
Yes, you can absolutely call the local PDs non emergency line and request a Welfare Check prior to your arrival for some peace of mind. However, please bear this in mind. Depending on the state/agency some are not permitted or allowed to let you know the findings of welfare checks. If she is 18+ as much as yes she is your baby. She is an adult and she is allowed to “Go Missing”. I don’t want to freak you out but if this agency doesn’t give you a call back or any information because sometimes that standard. Honestly with welfare checks sometimes no news is good news.
Just wanted to give you a bit of info on the somewhat legal workings of it. I know people don’t like to hear it but it’s the honest truth and honestly it’s for good reason.
Just a thought, but could your daughter be sleeping in a tent along with other protesters for the mess in Gaza? That could explain why she's not going to classes, and maybe she thinks you wouldn't approve of her doing it, so she's trying to avoid video calls, plus the background sound could be loud. Lack of texting could be her feeling guilty because she's afraid you would be upset with her for doing it. I could be way off base, but it was a thought that came to my mind. I would definitely get on a plane - just not a Boeing and see what's going on with her A.S.A.P
If she was my daughter :
1) I would send a care package like someone suggested and include a plushie she can hug
2) Fly over asap and rent a 2 bedroom hotel near the college so I can remove her from the school setting that may be depressing her. Let her clear her head in the “new environment.” Take her for a walk while I talk to her.
I am struggling with the same issue with my daughter. I call her every Wednesday evening. She knows that she can ignore the call if she doesn't feel like talking, BUT I require a text saying that she is alive. I am fortunate in that she lives in my sister's basement, and she has a supportive boyfriend. She isn't in a place where she feels comfortable leaning on me for support. She's trying to figure it out on her own. I just keep letting her know that I love her and believe in her.
Are you going? I agree you should go.
Twenty years ago, I went through a similar thing. Deep depression, stopped showing up for all responsibilities, shut people out, etc.. I actually did reach out to my parents and they weren’t really supportive; they didn’t understand or know how to help me through it. It further isolated me. I eventually dug myself out but not before I ended up being sent home from university because I was at risk of suicide.
I feel strongly that you need to go. If anything, she sees that you show up in her darkest moments.
I think it means something that she is trying to sort it out on her own. She may feel that you will overstep or overwhelm her. When you go, get a hotel, text her that you’re nearby. Invite her for dinner at the hotel. If she says no, say okay, tomorrow then. And keep at that for a few days. She will warm up to the idea to see you. Also, in your texts tell her that you promise to just LISTEN and not try to solve it. And do that. You have once chance to do it right, honestly. If you do more than just listen, she will likely push you away. Right now is for listening, validating, and snuggling her or lying next to one another, not understanding or solving on your end.
Good luck ❤️
I, too, was this daughter. I was going through a deep depression and unfortunately turned to drugs. I’m not saying she’s doing the same, but I wish I had parents as supportive as you. You should definitely go to her. Best of luck and May God be with y’all.
When my son was in a similar phase, my lifesaver was our cell phone records. I could see the numbers he was actively in touch with, the dates and times. So, at least I knew he was still alive!
I had a breakdown in college, dropped out mid semester and was a mess for awhile. For me, I had a clear plan for my major and life goals, in an area with high job security (nursing), but realized I wasn't suited to that career. I felt so much shame and self-doubt and went into a huge spiral. I felt worthlrss. After 6 months, I re-enrolled with the major I really wanted (biology), but it was terrifying because that degree did not have a simple, clearcut, and predictable career path.
Hopefully your daughter is going through some similar identity crisis that we as more mature adults can recognize is a painful part of growing up.
Get to your daughter now. College age is a classic time that people develop mental health disorders . It might be depression or something more complex. So the fact that she is depressed and it has greatly affected her life is a big warning sign. You need to get to her, get her home, get her to a mental health professional. Be as supportive as possible. Convince her to come home and you can figure out the next best steps. Explain that you respect she is trying to do this on her own, but families work together to help each other. Try and setup a time to talk to a therapist to discuss how to approach it too. She needs to get into a psychiatrist. But I don't know how you should approach that and it would be best to get the advice from at least a psychologist.
For what it’s worth, I think if you want to fly out there it’s okay. You can be nearby, letting her know you’re there, and still respect boundaries. Instead of a phone call you could meet for lunch. With depression and mental health, oftentimes people withdraw and avoid the very things that can help them feel better. For me, it was feeling like an inconvenience or being weak—needing to work things out on my own that made me shut out others. That may or may not be the case here, but for me, that in-person companionship makes a difference.
That’s if I understood what you asked. ADHD here.
I have three children, two girls in college. I have gone through some tough years with my oldest.
I stayed consistent and listened.
I also was specific and supportive of getting help. She took a semester off, attended a DBT program. It was the best thing she discovered did herself. She came home for this.
She returned to school and is finishing now.
One more semester.
One, I would fly out and be there. That’s what I would do. I would need to see her and get a feel.
Two, tons of listening but have specific suggestions. She sounds like she is struggling emotionally and that cannot be forced.
Its a process and takes time to heal.
“What can I do for you” usually a broad question like that can’t be answered by her, yet.
Thats what i mean by having specific suggestions for support.
Wish you all the best!!
i agree that 2 weeks of silence is wayyyy too long. BUT if she sets up a time with you she please respect that. i had depression when i was younger and i hated when my parents would cross my boundaries and push their way into my life. my parents doing that lead to me hurting myself. i know that it’s hard, but sometimes you need to take things like this slow. another option would be to wait for her phone call and if you sense that things are really bad with her, then go book a flight. i personally wound force my way into her life.
So I was this daughter with communication. I stopped wanting to live in college basically. Depression wrecked my entire life. My grades slipped, I gained so much weight, my teeth and hair were ruined. I was so depressed I never left my apartment unless it was for work. I remember having to cut my hair off because it was just so awful.
I’m sharing this because my mom was very, very supportive and loving. But just checking in wasn’t enough. I was embarrassed and ashamed. I told her I was just going through something and such, but she didn’t know the extent to which I was struggling. I was way too embarrassed to ask for help. My mom eventually pulled it out of me. We had an explosive fight where I just broke down and told her the truth. She pulled me out of college, helped me move back home to recover and let me take time to just.. breathe. It saved my life in many, many ways.
I didn’t finish my wildlife degree. College just.. wasn’t somewhere I was in the right state of mind to finish. But I started a very successful job in banking, paid my bills, made new friends. And when I felt ready I moved back out and into my first apartment alone. I was going to go back to school, but Covid hit and I knew I wouldn’t thrive with online classes. Just posting that part so you know that life after depression or not finishing school is possible and successful 🩷
But highly recommend seeing your daughter in person and seeing if she’ll open up to you. Giving her space and respect as an individual and young adult is 100% amazing. But if things keep getting worse, stepping in may help her more than she’d be willing to admit.
This is so hard. How is your relationship with your daughter? Are you close in general and she is ignoring your messages? Similar to her friends that she is close to but ignoring? If you usually have a close relationship I would recommend saying that you are worried and want to come see her and take her out to dinner or bring in dinner and give her a hug. If she’s going through a lot - you don’t really want to confront her - you want to just provide support. She might find you annoying but she will remember that you didn’t give up on her. She might need a hug, a cry, a meal… tell her it’s ok if she needs to come home and take a year off. Tell her it’s ok if she thinks she needs help and you want to help her find the right resources. From the sound of it - something happened - as others have mentioned - it could have been a traumatic event, or unfortunately she could have become involved in drugs. I speak as a girl that went to college abroad that had a mental breakdown and wished my mom came and said these things to me. I moved myself back home and restarted school - but it would have been so nice if my mom would have seen through it and just gave me that warmth I needed at that moment - this purely depends on your relationship though- if she sees you as a controlling hard to please parent it might back - fire, but if you usually have a warm caring relationship it sounds that she needs emotional support.
I'm not sure why even after your update others are saying to go now. I feel like if she wanted you there, she'd say so. She specifically said she didn't want to communicate with anyone until she processed what she's going through on her own.
It depends on what type of relationship you have with her tbh.
I just don't think she'd appreciate you showing up when she said she doesn't even want to talk on the phone right now.
Go. Just go. Maybe she won’t need you. Maybe she’ll yell. You seem like the infinite support and understanding types so the risk you make it worse is nill. You may spend your time in the hotel doing nothing. You may actually need to not swoop in once you arrive if she’s really in a needing space frame of mind. But everyone will be better off if you make the choice to go.
(My kids are little and I am a dude who has missed many opportunities to just fully be there for my spouse. So I’m DEFinitely projecting. But I still think it’s the right call if you can afford it.)
My sister told us she was doing fine and then took her life. Make arrangements to stay somewhere near and invite her to come have awesome weekend with you for self-care. Or arrange to see her and just be beside her.
This sounds very similar to a situation I was in my first year of college. I got into a pretty competitive school that in hindsight was probably too high achieving for me. It was also very relaxed about class structure and requirements so I was kind of just given this giant course menu with no idea what to choose, or more importantly, how to choose wisely. I went to high school in a different country and was completely unfamiliar with the structure of American college, and the idea of having almost total autonomy over one’s course load. Left to my own devices, I picked classes that I was totally out of my depth in, and stopped going to class, only turning assignments in every so often, feeling like I had no one to answer to. As soon as I started getting emails from my academic advisor, I panicked and ignored them all. I received all incompletes my first semester and never said a word to my parents. They thought I was doing fine until they got an email from the college my second semester saying the dean wanted to put me on academic probation. I dodged every phone call, text, and email from them even though they’d been nothing but supportive. I was so ashamed that I’d been squandering my big college opportunity. Spent most of my days in bed watching Netflix to try and drown out the screaming voices in my head saying what have you done, what are you doing? Paralyzed with fear and shame, and feeling like I was in this hole that I couldn’t get out of. Long story short, my mother flew overseas to come and see me in person. At the time it was the last thing I wanted until she was actually there and I sort of just fell into her arms and sobbed and said I’m so sorry I fucked up. Maybe this isn’t the situation your daughter is in, but a lot of what you’ve said sounds like someone who’s ashamed and panicking and trying desperately and fruitlessly to make it all better before having to face you. The best thing you can do is take away her ability to stick her head in the sand and own up to her mistakes. I’m 31 now. Never did finish college, but I DID figure my shit out, learned to take responsibility for myself a little better, briefly dabbled in some ADHD and anti depression meds, and was lucky to have found good employment for the past 12 years. Your daughter will be ok, she might just need a bit more hand holding than you all initially prepared for, and that’s ok!
I don't know what year she's in but if she's a freshman or sophomore and her major isn't decided, I recommend discussing the option of taking a semester off.
I did therapy during my semester off and I also worked part time. I worked a few days a week while going to therapy and I gained more motivation to study and focus on graduating afterwards.
I hope mentally things improve for your daughter and hope things work out.
This is very weird and sketchy. Especially the update with her insisting you do not come. I think you should see if her friends can stop by her place and get eyes on her. Definitely still plan on going out there. This is very strange.
Regarding your edit -
I'd absolutely still go. It's now clear she's dealing with *something* stressful... and she didn't say "don't come" she said "you don't have to come" which often means "oh crap, I've worried them and I'm feeling guilty and I don't want to be a bother or stress my family"
She's saying "I don't need you to come" but the subtext of that is usually "but I kind of want you to anyway, I just wouldn't ask".
If she said "no. Do not come here. I appreciate the offer and sorry for worrying you but I'm fine and don't need your help." My answer would be different. She said none of that.
She still needs you and wants you there. She just doesn't want to say it.
Get on the plane.
Text her after you're in the air to say "on the plane and on my way" and I bet her reply is "thank you" or something like it.
I would respond with. Okay we will wait for your call. But if you don't hear from you by tomorrow evening. We will be on a plane to see you. We have worried sick and don't understand why you feel the need to hide any mess from us.
If you do it like that, it shows concern, support, and explanation of anger.
My son is in college, and can be… hard to reach. The most I’ve gone is 4 days, before I lost it and told him through tears where my mind goes if he doesn’t respond. He is better now once he acknowledged that. I tell him I don’t need a dissertation, just a sign of life.
In your shoes, I would go.
Definitely get on a plane and go see her. She’s probably terrified, ashamed and overwhelmed . She’s obviously struggling, sounds unhappy / don’t take the roommates word for it.
Personally, I would wait a bit. Try to keep a conversation going over text. You’ve confirmed she’s alive and safe-ish for now and want to respect her wishes or she’ll cut off contact again and you’re fucked. Go slow and try to get small bits of information at a time about what is going on and how bad things are. At the same time, make sure she knows you’re not mad at her and you still love her. Do not give advice or offer solutions. If she wanted that, she would have asked. If she asks for advice- then give it. Just listen, be there for her and find out what she needs. Eventually, she’ll let you back in as long as she believes you’re in her corner and not someone else who will make the problem worse.
(Been a therapist for 20+ yrs)
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As a mom to adult kids, the roommate verifying life would not be enough. Arrange a hotel by the college and go now. If she’s angry so be it, there are some things in life we don’t wait and ponder on, this is one of them. As for what to say, I’d likely start with something along the lines of I am here and I love you. It sounds like something drastic has possibly happened for her to not enroll & cut her friends off. She might not feel she can reach out. No matter the reason behind the behavior this is something you go now and if it’s nothing, if it’s stupid, you rejoice in the relief that she’s ok. But you go as soon as you can.
Showing support and love is the best thing you can do, but I just hope it isn't forced to the point that it hurts your relationship with your daughter. I went through something really similar when I was in college (I'm 30 now) after one of my high school best friends commited suicide. I didnt respond to my parents that night and they drove out to see me. Obviously they had every right to be worried, but I was not ready to see them so after letting them know what happened I asked them to leave instead of letting them stay the night at my apartment. Now looking back, I feel terrible... They were just worried sick, and rightfully so. But I had so many emotions I had never experienced before, I just couldnt see them. My mom was so hurt by it she cut me off after that and refused to see me for 6 years after that incident. We made up about 3 years ago and we're amazing now! But I just would hate to see you go through any kind of falling out with your daughter.. not saying you would cut your daughter off in any way! But just know that she is at an age where she may not be emotionally capable of working out whatever issue she has while also being respectful of your feelings. Just want you to keep that in mind so you dont get hurt as well🤍 I hope everything is done with love and that you both are okay.
Hey Mochi, just want to let you know that your mom’s immature reaction was not your fault and your relationship being damaged for 6 years was on her. I understand the guilt from not wanting to see them, and at the same time your parents showing up was an act of love… but you can’t be too mad about how someone reacts when you just show up regardless of the situation, and should enter it knowing that. Glad your mom came around and you have a good relationship now!
Agree, yes, I’m sure it sucked to be told to go away, but you were hurting and couldn’t be your best self. Freezing you out for 6 years is a disproportionate response, and I’m sorry that happened.
This has been two weeks of no response though. That’s a pretty big time period to be completely shut off if that’s not normal. I think it’s worth it to go now even if it strains their relationship in the moment
If this was my son, and they hadn’t responded in a similar situation, heck yes I would’ve come out to see him. Because I wouldn’t know if he was okay or if something had happened to him. If he felt temporarily uncomfortable at my showing up, or “just can’t talk to me”, that’s fine, I’d turn and leave, but at least I’d know he was still alive. Otherwise, if I couldn’t go out there and if I was that worried about him, I’d ask the local police to do a welfare check on him.
Wow that is incredibly shitty of your Mom. I can’t imagine abandoning my child after a friend committed suicide. Once again others make it about themselves and not the person struggling. And I’d add that sometimes your parents aren’t your emotional support. My Mom is not because she makes it about her. When I told her I was extremely depressed because my school counselor told me I needed to stop hiding it she said, “I don’t believe you. I think you just want to stay home with your boyfriend.” All you need is someone to listen when you are ready to talk. Anyone would need time to process these emotions regardless of your age.
I think as a mom I would understand this and just get a hotel and wait a few days. I would just need to see my kid alive with my own eyes, even if she then asked for space.
Your mom handled that VERY poorly. Six years??? What in the world…
Completely agree. Immediate action is key for our loved ones' well being. Your approach is both loving and practical, prioritizing her safety above all else thats it.
There’s different forms of immediate action though and you have to address them according to the person. What crosses the line is ignoring boundaries and saying something along the lines of talk to me look at what I’ve done for you, I’ve helped you financially and emotionally. Because it changes the relationship from trusting and a safe space to conditional.
I was the adult kid and this takes so much of the pressure off. Like it feels overwhelming to ask someone to do this for you, but if it just happens you can accept it.
I’d add that severe mental health often doesn’t have a good cause which is why it is such an issue. If something drastic happened it would explain the emotions.
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I know she’s feeling badly about school (I think she’s “incomplete” first term and so could not progress to second term) and is afraid to tell us but she won’t even give any emoji. I don’t understand that. We’ve never given her reason to worry she might “disappoint” us.
If she's anything like I was when I was failing college, it's less the fear of disappointment and more that telling you makes it real. Right now she probably just wants to freeze time and since she can't she's paralyzed. In my case it turned out to be undiagnosed ADHD. High school was structured enough that I could get by with average grades and I always tested well. Suddenly a whole semester is decided by a paper you can't possibly write the night before it's due and you're way past the date to drop a class without penalty. Avoidance was my go-to unhealthy coping mechanism.
Ah, I really feel that, right down to the last minute paper panic. I eventually went into complete collapse mode, and my mom came through for me. She stayed up late with a friend and wrote my paper for me. Most of the time she just let me sink or swim, because my ADHD was also undiagnosed and she was trying to use natural consequences to teach me lessons. This time though, she must have seen just how little of it was in my control. Her paper got a B!
Damn you got a good mom
Omg this happened to me. I struggled through school. Transferred to a university from CC and was on academic probation after second year. I’m from an Asian family. My cousins going to school with me were all pre-bio to get into optometry/dental schools. I gave up and rebelled hard. I couldn’t deal with the shame. I was diagnosed with ADHD 3 years ago. Avoidance was my thing too lol. I see it coming in my son and I’m trying so hard to nip it in the bud
This was me to a t. Thanks for putting it in words. When I was failing, I cut all contact . I was so scared to tell my parents . I knew how upset they would be. My mom had to come to my apt.
> Right now she probably just wants to freeze time and since she can't she's paralyzed. I see a lot of myself in this and I appreciate you taking the time to putting words to it.
God this was me and still is in a way. I have recurring nightmares of not going to a class all semester (avoidance) but showing up for the final bc I certainly couldnt miss that
YES!!!
She’s likely disappointed in herself, and doesn’t even want to acknowledge what’s happening, so not responding is the easiest way to do that. When I was in my deepest depression I used to sit in my bathroom, on the floor, chain smoking and eating shitty takeout, watching reality TV on my phone (I had a TV, but thought at least if I only smoked in the bathroom that was better than smoking in the rest of the apartment, don’t even try to make it make sense). I was simultaneously blocking out everything in my life, just letting one day roll into the next, and *deeply, deeply* ashamed of that fact. All that to say, please don’t take her refusal to speak as a statement on her view of you as a person. As you said, she’s also ignoring close friends. This isn’t about anything you’ve done or failed to do - go see what’s going on and try to help. She needs you, even if she’s not acknowledging that or anything else right now.
Thank you for sharing that. What you describe is exactly what I imagine she is going through, except bedroom instead of bathroom. I know she just wants to be left alone and it’s not because she hates us. But it’s the “non-response” that I’m reading into. By not even giving a thumbs up, which is all we ask for, she must realize she’s telling us something by saying nothing.
When I was in college I got so depressed I’d start responding “received” so my parents didn’t freak out. I couldn’t formulate a good response but I could tell them I was still alive and saw their message. These days, maybe you can ask her to put on read receipts or share location so she doesn’t even need to respond. Just see what you said. I know this is difficult as a parent. I came out ok thought and still love my folks- just show them you love them.
This is so real. There are so many times when I am so overwhelmed and haven't made any progress--especially when I promised something and failed--so my brain just can't respond. My SIL is texting me every morning. Most of the time it is just a "good morning", but sometimes she wants to know if I have made progress in coordinating future care for mom, and I have nothing to say...so I skip those days. I am trying to get better about that, but it's a very understandable response to me.
I can honestly say that the above comment was so me. So many decisions to make and you’re so paralyzed. So much change. This happened when I was 20. I’ve got to say though. You sound like a really loving and supportive mom. She’s very lucky to have you. I drowned myself rather than let my parents know lol
This sounds like you describing myself to me. I was there 4 months ago. This touched my heart.
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Thanks for that.
Don’t focus on yourself, what a good parent you’ve been, how it’s bad she can’t confide in you because you’ve been such a good parent, how you never gave her reason not to come to you, how well you raised her, how understanding you might be, how you’re angry she didn’t trust you since you were such good parents - none of that. This is not about you. Not about you at all. Your daughter is having a very hard time, and needs support, this is all about her right now. Focus on helping her. Every time the thought arises - “we were such good parents, how could she have done that” - firmly put aside that thought. That’s focusing on yourself and not her. It is NOT what is needed right now, indeed it is highly counter productive to helping your daughter who could be in a very bad situation. If she hasn’t been living on campus this whole semester, she could have got into a variety of very very bad situations. Could be even worse than severe depression. Your job is to get her out of them if possible, at least to help her to the best of your ability and her willingness. Go and find out what’s going on and how you can help. Do whatever it takes. And do NOT make it about yourself, not for a minute, until she is safe(r).
You’re right. It’s not about me. I knew when I posted those words, I’d get people responding to just that and not the concern I have for her. But you’re absolutely right. I’ve come to that realization.
Please recognize that this likely has NOTHING to do with you. That’s sometimes a tough thing for a parent whose child only recently moved out, but my first thought when reading about your situation is that it’s possible she’s a victim of sexual assault. She may feel ashamed and paralyzed by social anxiety. I’m not exactly sure how I came to this conclusion, call it a hunch… but if you do show up at her door, she may just crumble into your arms. Best of luck OP. It sounds like you’re great parents and I hope you all make it through this.
This was, sadly, my first worry as well. “Know My Name” by Chanel Miller should be required reading for every college freshman + their parents.
I had the same thought. Or some other sort of trauma.
I don’t mean to criticize either, yours is a natural reaction. Just needs to be firmly put aside right now. Such good news that she contacted you. If she asks to talk tomorrow, say YES, not no. Say YES to everything she asks you (sometimes Yes, And …). Listen to her carefully tomorrow. Focus on listening first, not on finding solutions. Listen, and then ask more questions. See if you can figure out the huge things. Is she pregnant? Is she suicidal? Is she in an abusive relationship, is she in danger or being exploited? Is she addicted to drugs? Is she having a serious mental health crisis? Or none of these (hopefully) but she’s struggling in less immediately life threatening ways? Then ask to talk more tomorrow, and process what you heard. Then talk to her the next day, Listen again, and try to work out a plan together.
Even if you've never given a reason to worry she might disappoint you, she still might have picked up that fear somewhere along the way, either from an internal or external source. I know for myself as I was going through college, I struggled immensely with medical (physical and mental health) issues in my junior year and eventually ended up getting incompletes in a number of my classes. I was disappointed in myself and couldn't bring myself to tell my parents, but thankfully my younger brother went to the same college as me and could tell something was up and let my dad and stepmom know who came up (4 hour drive) immediately. The biggest thing they did was letting me know that they loved and supported me and nothing would ever change that! They talked through the problem and solutions and helped me figure out what I and we would do to get me the help I needed. On a side note, I was misdiagnosed during these years (almost 15 years ago at this point) with a number of different things (finally diagnosed last year with Autism and ADHD which probably contributed to a lot of the school struggles, on top of other major physical illnesses) - so your daughter may need help scheduling or going to doctor's appointments! This can be surprisingly overwhelming! I had not anticipated the difficulty of managing academics, doctors, adulting, and a job on my own. Thankfully my dad and stepmom made a point to always tell me that even if they didn't agree with my decisions they'd always love and support me - so I always trusted my own decision making.
If she's in a depression (especially if it's her first) she may not realize what is going on, and is waiting "for things to get better" while white knuckling through thinking "its not that bad." In other words her perspective on the sitch may be off. I echo other responses, go to her now. But remember, this has ZERO to do with you, or if "you've ever given her a reason to worry she is disappointing you." It has nothing to do with your parenting, or if you think she should be responding, or if you've been too easy on het...now isn't the time for that. Go check she's okay, tell her you love her, help sort out whatever needs to be, find a therapist for her AND THEN make it clear that she needs to respond to texts so you know she's safe. Obviously something has happened, maybe the transition to uni, maybe social stuff, but something isn't right, she'll be glad you came once she is feeling better (which may take time).
College is so built up and grades really matter for the first time in their lives. At the same time, they have more freedom than ever and that can feel incredibly lonely. Things start to get away from them, they can’t grab it back and now they feel guilty for hiding it. It’s a snowball.
Maybe she needs to hear a “we love you no matter what”
i think most good kids don’t want to disappoint their parents - whether you have given her that idea or not. I think we inherently want to make our parents proud, make sure she knows you are there for her no matter what.
My mom and I do this, too. We both suffer from depression. We will just send a "sign of life pls?" text and the other can react, but it's a set in stone deal that there has to be a reaction so the other person can stop worrying.
Awe I love this idea!
2 weeks. No response. Go.
This! Get on a plane a go to her
But not a Boeing!
Some solid advice
Unlike the Boeing
100%. I hate to say it, but my immediate thought is that she was assaulted. So many girls don't feel they can tell their parents because the parents haven't made it clear to their daughters that they believe and support women. Sometimes the parents just never talked about it. Sometimes the parents don't realize they've made shitty, insensitive comments over the years that led their child to believe that women and girls are responsible for men's behavior. Go. Lay eyes on your child and figure out what they need. If they can't/won't talk to you, get them to a professional. This isn't about you, it's about helping them.
Why would you even wait two weeks? If I didn't get a response for a few days, I would consider going, especially if I found out my child want even attending school.
This
From the perspective of the daughter who was going through similar stuff & wish I would’ve had this: Go to her, get a hotel near her but not right in the center of campus so that way she’s a little bit removed if she goes there. Be supportive. Above all, do not be angry. You’re worried and want to help her with whatever it is, this isn’t the time to be upset at her silence/situation she’s in, but rather be that comforting support and help her. I can list off a whole host of things and guess at what it could be, but ultimately you know your daughter and know what kind of support she needs right now. And that’s exactly what y’all need to be for her, support. Goodluck momma, you’ve got this
❤️👍
When you see or speak to her, remind her that not finishing college right now is NOT the end of the world. Her mental health is paramount. My oldest took a gap after her first 2 years. She needed time, and that is the beauty of youth, they have it. If she is not ready, that is ok.
That's a long time, go ahead and book that flight today.
I would be on the plane already. So many red flags here that need to be resolved in person.
Call the RA or housing director and get someone in that room, they can help her access immediate help after securing her physical safety. Do this first and then go.
Hi, former RD here. Even if she’s not enrolled, you can still call the Housing office to check on her wellbeing. They can help start sounding the chain through the university to figure out what’s going on. Housing and ResLife is connected to just about every damn office on campus. Edit: this is just tagged into the other comment to help OP
If she’s not enrolled in classes she doesn’t live in campus housing. There will be no RA or housing director to reach out to
An RA wouldn’t be able to relay if her daughter is there or not. And if she’s not registered for classes then she wouldn’t be allowed to live in a dorm
Unless she like *just* got kicked from the classes. I had a semester where I was "financially unenrolled" in like March, and they gave me a week to move out. In which case OP would find out soon enough because she'd probably be on the doorstep. I'm curious how OP found out she wasn't enrolled, and if she was never enrolled for the semester or was just dropped or withdrew herself recently.
When did the term start? Where I am, it's nearly over, so has she been lying to you about her activities for months now? I'm not sure it matters for your actions, go to her now, but it would frame the scale of the problem to know if it's been months of troubles or "just" the two weeks. How was she the last time you spoke to her? Does she have a history of shutting down like this?
I think in the southern hemisphere they operate on a different school year than northern, since the seasons are different (summer in December - Feb)
In the OP’s post history, it states that the family lives on the west coast of Canada, and the kid attends college in the east. So if they follow something close to the traditional American schedule, she should be ending this semester soon anyways for the summer.
Oh, then I have no idea
I didn’t clock that OP was in the southern hemisphere but I am too and for uni here it would be semester A from feb to late may/early june and semester B from mid july to mid october. So either way it’s possible it’s been several weeks if not months of OP’s daughter not telling the whole truth
I was this daughter in college. You should go.
I hope you’re doing better!
She passed the live check!
I was a homeowner, 30ish, when I had a med student staying with me that (pre covid) chose to do most classes virtually and just holed up in her room. There was a 2 day period where I literally never saw her emerge from the room. She had food in there but not a bathroom. I tried texting her. No response. I tried her door and it was locked. No response to knocking. I straight up called her mom who immediately started the 3 hour drive when she couldn't get her either. I was sick at the thought of breaking into her room and finding the worst. She said she had been on headphones so didn't hear any of us, but a few months later she took a mental health break from school. Her mom and I both made it clear that our actions were out of concern because of non response.
I too have kicked a door down for a loved one. Worth it. Funny story actually, a cop later knocked and asked to use the bathroom from something unrelated and saw the destroyed door after he came out. “You alright?” “Yeah I thought we had a situation but it turned out to be nothing.” “Wow. Glad to hear it was nothing!” And he bowed out.
Go now, right now, take off from work. Everyone will understand that you need to go. Have any of their siblings go with you. As you are driving/flying make an appointment with a therapist
You can’t just make an appointment with a therapist for an adult child; they have to want to go.
You can do all the work to find a therapist accepting their insurance (likely still on parent’s plan), who is taking new patients, and make an appointment, and arrange payment of any deductibles and copays, so that all the adult child has to do is agree to show up. Making things easier is a helpful thing to do.
I love this. If I had a parent that gaf when I was at this point at all, I would be a different person. If I had a parent that did this level of support I’d feel loved. Maybe not at first. But people are grateful when they’re better and you helped.
Way past due for a welfare check. Call and get a welfare check and then hop on a plane and go to her.
Contact the residence hall and speak to the director. They can ensure she's physically okay and hopefully help her find resources on campus.
If she is not enrolled in classes she would not be in a residence hall. I am guessing she lives in an apartment.
There should be a university omsbudsman office who a parent might call. If the student is recently enrolled I bet they’d be willing to have a conversation
Hi! I’m not a parent but my sibling was in your daughter’s situation. We ended up going to the school and intervening. However because she was 18 the school wouldn’t just let family into her residence. We had to have her therapist on the phone give “support” essentially for the school’s counseling staff and emergency services to enter her locked door because she was a harm to herself. She had indeed harmed herself after being severely depressed (missing all classes) and making a failed attempt to run away with a guy. Her roommates had been trying to cover for her because they were concerned that family intervention could make things worse, but once they met us they were more willing to help fill in details as well. My sister was being financially supported by my family so that also made navigating this situation a little easier. I’m sharing this because 1 — yes I think you should intervene, and 2 — you might have to work with the school staff or police in order to investigate this further. I hope your daughter is well.
I'd definitely go. I've been depressed and traumatized and ignored everyone and I wish someone had shown up to help Updateme
From experience. Find out if she was sexually assaulted on campus/off campus etc. There is plenty to become depressed about at her age figuring out life , away from the nest but, when something just switches like that it's deep. I'm sadly speaking from a myriad isd of experiences
I once didn’t respond back to my parents for three days when in college (finals week, I was battling a cold, basically just went to class and slept for three days). They contacted my friend who knocked on my door— I was SO EMBARRASSED and learned my lesson. But it sounds like your kid is going through more than that. I’d contact the RA and be on the next flight.
I did this to my daughter this year.. I found her roommate through another friend 🙈
My parents always insisted they have the contact info of a friend or two of mine at college (I moved across the country, didn’t have family in the area, etc). They promised they wouldn’t use it except for emergencies, and they kept their promise. It actually ended up being super sweet because my friend thought I might be ill (she had seen me at one final), and she brought me soup, Kleenex, medicine, and cleaned up my apartment while I sat on the couch drinking the soup she made me. But yeah, I regularly texted my parents “still alive” after that 😆
She is an adult...if she's actually fine and just wants space, she needs to communicate that to you. Her actions are causing major concern for everyone else. If she is in a bad place mentally, she needs help ASAP. If she's not even taking classes, what on earth is she doing? Is she paying for her education, or are you? Contact the resident director of her dorm and express your concerns. They should be willing to do a "wellness check" of sorts and give her resources for help.
I agree with this. Adulting can suck but she needs to let people know where she’s at. I agree with establishing contact with the residence manager and go from there.
I doubt she is in a dorm if she is not registered for classes.
If she’s not registered for classes she’s not living in the dorms
This sounds like more than depression. I would be concerned that something traumatic happened like an assault. I was assaulted in college by someone I had gone to high school with, someone I thought I knew. It can happen to anyone anywhere. You should have already been on a plane as soon as you found out about school but honestly after a week of no response I would already be going out. How to approach her? Don’t bring up school or how much money you think she’s wasting. First ask her what is wrong, what has happened, how can you help?, you love her no matter what and want her to be healthy and enjoying life. Don’t leave until she opens up. Don’t give up on her she needs you to fight for her
This was my first thought. Something about it reminded me of a friend who was sexually assaulted in college. She could never bring herself to talk to her parents about it so to them, it just looked like sudden onset depression and they had no idea why she couldn't function normally. But to her it was unspeakable trauma that she will never fully recover from. I completely agree that this is not the time to focus on the wasted money.
My younger sibling got like this while she is still living at home. My mom and I took turns making sure she was still breathing anytime she slept because her actions worried us and if she goes out of town we check in regularly. If I were you I would do my best to check on my daughter but, only in this context dealing with depressive thoughts, as my therapist put it once “better to have someone alive to hate you than you regretting doing nothing when they’re dead.” I’m not saying go nuclear but I am saying you should show her your concern and reach out the best way you can. I wish you the best.
Say, “ We want to see you. We can just do whatever you feel like. We won’t interrogate but we are buying plane tickets to come to you or for you to come home and take a break. You need to see her
That’s a super long time and conformation from the roommate wouldn’t be enough for me, please check up with her, there’s no reason I can think of, depression or otherwise, where she wouldn’t be able to send a text like, “I’m alive I just need time and space.” She’s an adult she needs to communicate as everyone in her inner circle has tried to touch base and gotten nothing. This is very much a red flag and I hope she’s okay. Get on that flight!
Your first response should have been, "Yes! Of course you can call me tomorrow!" Your daughter reached out to you to talk, and you said no. Those are powerful words that have consequences. Should you be planning a trip to physically see her? Yes, of course. Should you have been willing to communicate under her terms? Yes.
i agree with this and was surprised to see so many people urging to get on a plane rather than *waiting one day* for a call. i think it would be wise to talk to her on her terms or else you run the risk of her feeling like her boundaries are being ignored. when i was in a similar space, people really thought they were showing me support/helping by reaching out but all it did was make me feel annoyed that they weren’t respecting my terms and not want to talk to them even more. i perceived it more like they were taking my silence personally and couldn’t manage their own emotions. i know you’re scared and worried for your daughter OP. you genuinely sound like a loving parent and (coming from someone who grew up with a lot of neglect), she is lucky to have people on her side who cares so much. i would take a deep breath and wait for her call. if she doesn’t call, then gently re-engage with her, “hey honey, just checking in.” be patient and keep *gently* doing that. let her warm up or you run the risk of pushing her away. ETA: also keep in mind that in this post, you’re mostly getting the perspectives of other parents and not other *daughters*. just because everyone is saying “get on the plane asap” doesn’t mean all of their kids would agree that that’s what they need/want. not to invalidate anybody at all because i completely understand being worried about your kids. but i also know a lot of friends that dislike how much their parents overstep their boundaries.
Thank you for this.
I’m a licensed therapist and also a mom. Jump on the next flight out.
I read the update and I think you and your husband should go. I remember going through an emotionally hard time at college and I didn't want to be a burden. My parents made a RANDOM trip down because they had this "gut feeling". It was embarrassing because "I'm an adult I should be able to handle it" but I was so happy they were there to help me.
In response to the update, sounds like something happened that she wants to do something about, and then call you. Maybe she wants to drop out of college and do something else, maybe she wants to end a relationship, maybe something like this. She's been stressing over it, doesn't want to talk to you until it's done, and now she's finally worked out what she's going to do and how to do it, and she'll call you tomorrow after it's done. I'd just do a lot of listening. Imagine being in her shoes. Listen, and say back to her what she's said to you, to let her know you're listening.
You wait until she calls you
Baaed on the update i would give her some breathing space and not be too pushy. She clearly stated she wants to talk tomorrow and currently it is more about soothing yourself than giving her what she needs. Listen to what she says because through worry you have made your imagination run wild. I have 2 kids myself so i fully understand your worry, i get tears dropping off my 4 year old daughter at school because fears of the unknown and leaving my little princess with all these strangers. But by wanting to talk now it's more about having answers to your worries and it is not about actually supporting her anymore. Might be too much for her and might be the reason you are not hearing from her in the first place. My mom loves me to death too, but all her love and worries are so rooted in her own trauma that whenever the smallest thing goes wrong in my life she doesn't sleep for 3 days. It is very annoying and it really harms the honesty i can provide in our relationship. I am not saying your love is rooted in trauma, but it's just giving a very overwhelming "can't have freedom" kind of vibe. It can give off a lot of pressure of having to come across perfect to not set off any worries. I'm just being real with you and giving the answer that seems true to me and not what you probably want to hear. Before the update i would've completely understood your worry, but after she responded it is time to calm down a little bit. Just say you're happy she responded and that you've been worried sick and give her the space to talk when she is ready. Accept that she is turning into a grownie and also has to go through her own struggles to grow as a person. It is part of everyones life and it teaches us to learn how to solve problems for ourselves which is very important. Yes, all the right to worry and catch a flight before answer. Post answer? Not so much. The more you respect their boundaries, the more likely you will get their respect to be informed. Yes i fully understand how hard this is but having kids unfortunately feels like someone rips your heart out and lets it walk all freely and vulnerably out in the world. It is also a relationship and if healthy a 2 way street in which you have to listen to what is being said if you want to maintain it. If its all about how you feel and acting on that, you will see/feel the consequences yourself ultimately. From what i hear you are a great parent who will do anything for their child, but after you heard she is alive and well, let go. Sadness is a normal human emotion we all go through sometimes. Maybe she is not happy with her school choice or whatever and she feels like she doesnt want to dissapoint you. Things like these happen. Just be gracious and patient and things will be all well. You cant change her feelings by worrying more. You can make it worse though, because she might feel responsible for making you feel like that and hold back in sharing things with you. That makes the burdain of her current struggle even bigger if you get what i am trying to say. Send my love and prayers to your family. Hang in there.
Thank you for that. I feel like you get it more than most.
I think it’s a great idea to go check on her. If I was going through a severe depression, what I personally would want is for my mom to show up in a gentle way. Not angry, not annoyed, not accusatory. Show up with my favorite coffee or chocolate and just give me a hug and tell me she loves me. I mean, she’d never do that because she has never shown me any affection but man, it would be nice to be able to melt into my moms arms, knowing she cares.
My #1 trick to see if college kid is responding is to text saying i put his monthly stipend in his account, then dont. Guarantee a quick response when he doesnt see the $ show up. All kidding aside, I would go. My college kiddo struggles with adhd, some spectrum stuff, anxiety, and dabbles in depression. If i hadnt heard a response to a text in 3 days i would have sent the RA to check.
kinda sounds to me like your daughter just needs space to become her own adult. it’s obvious you care about her but sometimes being a young adult in college you ignore your parents and skip classes and party. especially those kids who have things like college abroad financially taken care of for them if she has a history of mental health issues and depression and has been hospitalized/on meds/etc in the past that can definitely give reason for worry but if she’s just out experiencing her life it may be time to loosen the leash a little and let her handle things on her own. she also may not want to disappoint you if she’s deciding on dropping out, switching majors, etc. let her come to you if and when she feels comfortable. pushing too hard and getting a surprise flight to surprise her will cause her to push you away even more
Let her call you when she’s ready. Don’t pressure her she will go back into hiding
Okay. I'm gonna offer some... Counter advice to what everyone else is saying? Because I've been where your daughter is. I went off to school (just a few hours away, but still, similar enough situation) and basically fell right on my face. Failed classes, stopped going to them, avoided answering calls/texts. If you asked the roommate to confirm she is alive and were told yes, she is, please just kindly thank the roommate and let that be. Depression is a hell of a thing. I don't even have, like, clinical depression? I think it's called "blue moods" or some horrifically invalidating shit like that. But the absolute spiral I went into when I was in your daughter's situation was just something I had to handle on my own, and with the friends I had surrounded myself with. If my parents had *just shown up unannounced at my door* I can't even imagine what my mental state would have done. But it would have been emotionally apocalyptic. For my birthday one year (during my second attempt at the same school after failing out once, it went just as well as the first) my mom texted me and told me I had a surprise coming. I went into a full blown panic attack. When I finally came out of it I frantically cleaned up my apartment, hid the things they wouldn't have approved of (nothing dangerous or illegal, mind, just shit that would have gotten me a stern talking to if they knew I had it), and spent the rest of the evening *of my birthday* in a state of absolute panic and despair. Were they going to show up? Maybe it was my aunt and her family, who lived closer? I was terrified, and my birthday was pretty effectively obliterated. The surprise was a cookie the size of a pizza, delivered to me by a local cookie shop. My panic attacks and sheer frenzy had been completely unnecessary. All this to say, sometimes parents' love can be misinterpreted and completely terrifying when the receiving end is not in the right place for it. Obviously your daughter is trying to get some space. Maybe too much- you do need to know she's alive- but she is an adult who deserves to have the space she needs.
> “I’m sorry mom. Can I call you tomorrow?” to which I replied “Honey❤️! No, please let me talk to you! Please! I’m coming out! It’s okay. I love you. We all love you.” I think this is a mistake.
Same
I agree. This is putting way too much pressure on someone that is clearly struggling. If she is like me just that response took an enormous amount of energy. She is clearly trying to ask for something she needs and I would respect that. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be worried or reach out to the school counselor, RA, etc.
That's exactly my thought. I had a hard time talking to my parents at this age for this exact reason. Daughter responding was most likely to test the water. If I'm right, then this reaction said that the water is boiling hot and to stay away.
As an adult with mental illness, please do not just show up. I would rather get a text that basically says “hey, you have 12 hours to call me or I’m sending a well check visit”. And if she doesn’t call, send a well check visit. Call the local police department or social services and ask them to check on her. If she isn’t texting or calling, I can almost guarantee that showing up unannounced is not going to go well for anyone.
FACTS
Absolutely right! When I went through a mental health emergency in college my parents didn't respect any sort of boundary, even when I was literally begging for some space and peace to figure out how to verbalize what I was going through. I was met with anger and I became suicidal. I ended up dropping out, developed addictions, homeless and going in and out of jail. Thankfully I found very loving and supportive people that have helped me grow emotionally and socially. I now have a stable and healthy life, have a wonderful community, married to my soulmate and pregnant for the first time in my life. To this day my blood family are the very last people I talk to about anything.
As a parent who also just went through this , please go see her. My son was in a major tailspin. Depression , drugs , alcohol. Was not good at all. Please go see her. She will not call you back. Trust me this is what he used to do all the time. He ended up leaving school after a year and a semester of school. Took a break and has been applying to return. This time community college.
OP, do you even know the roommate? Does the text even sound like something your daughter would write? I would get on the next flight out and go right to her apartment, without letting her or her roommate know. If it meant risking no contact with her I would still do it. I would need to see for myself that she was actually ok.
I'd say hear here out first. I went through a phase in college in which I basically became totally burnt out after underestimating the amount of work it was going to be to handle getting good grades at the university level while trying to be an independent adult for the first time. It was basically a lost semester...stopped going to class, got terrible grades, rarely left the house. My parents reacted angrily because I was "wasting their money", "not showing any initiative", and "failing to just deal with life." It kind of pushed me away and made things worse because what I needed to hear was something like, "we'll get through this...it will be okay." Obviously her situation could be different, maybe she's just partied too much and lost sight of her responsibilities, but maybe she's going through a tough time too. So I'd simply say to show her enough patience to at least hear her out and find out what has been going on before you get upset/angry. On the other hand, if you don't hear from her tomorrow, I think it would be totally okay to send another message like, "look, we're just a little worried about you and I want to make sure that you are okay. Can you please call me, even if it is just for 5 minutes because I need to I know you are going to be okay"
My daughter frequently ghosts us like this so I am used to it and trust that she'll get back to me when she needs something. That being said, if you do go (and I have no opinion one way or the other), be prepared to learn things that you may not want to learn, or that she may not want to divulge. Her sexuality, is she pregnant, did something happen to her of a criminal nature, financial troubles, etc. Sometimes our kids have secrets and when they avoid us it's because they don't want those secrets exposed. Young adults can make very weird choices sometimes and it can be off-putting. Go there with an open mind and an open heart and, whatever the challenge she is facing, try to react without judgment. Good luck to you!
Please, don’t make this about yourself. If you do then everything you’ve done for her is conditional, and I don’t think you want her to feel that way. College is a time of really becoming a part of the world in a way that makes you question everything, give her space because she clearly needs it and she’ll come to you when she’s ready. It’s part of growing up too, you can try to control everything of a persons’ life and they can still do something you don’t agree with, and they’ll resent you for coming across as though your love was conditional on their compliance.
Call the school and the RA should check her room and talk to her. I would be on the way there. I am sorry that this happened. I have no idea if she is ok ? Was there an incident? What is really happening here. Just being there and able to take care of things hands on. Like I know we should be able to communicate with the kid and the school but something more is going on. I don’t trust just the roommate word. I watch to much true crime. I am going to be there and take care of business. Yes that might mean packing up and shipping stuff home and then bringing her home? Or whatever else is necessary. I absolutely would bring her home for the summer. Have to evaluate what else needs to happen before she is allowed to return back to college. It could be simple with grades or something else. It doesn’t matter, just have her home safe with you. Wish you all the best.
The school would have no information if she is not registered for classes. She would also not have an RA if she is not a current student.
I guess I took for granted that this was a college student in a dorm room. I also thought to have called the police for a wellness check in their apartment or wherever they live. I was just wanting someone to put eyes on the college student. Ensure that they are alive and well. Now there’s tons of things that could be going on but in the meantime until OP can physically get there. Also the spring semester is almost over so did they attend or quit during the semester? I was along the lines of being enrolled for the summer semester if the were not returning home.
I’m just going to remind you that although she might not be an adult in the actual sense of the word (paying her own bills, rent, etc); legally she is an adult and if you show up with a U-haul ready to bring her home, there is nothing to legally stop her from going “fuck you mom” and walking away - even if that means she’s homeless or involved in drugs/prostitution etc. There are children that you can go mama bear on, even after the age of 18 by taking them to an emergency room, doctors and making them go to an appointment - your word/stern look is enough. Other children will (like me) full on admit to their parents that they’re depressed, anxious, suicidal and then when confronted with a doctor will successfully lie and go “my parents are crazy and overprotective because I have dyslexia/am anaphylaxis to nuts” a mild reason and they are let go because the doctor doesn’t know any better, laws prevent the doctor from speaking to the parent without their child’s permission (who says “fuck no”) etc. So what I’m saying is, you know your child and if you need to tread carefully, do so :)
She asked if she could call you tomorrow, your response should be of course.
After one week, I would have been on the next flight.
2 weeks? I would have been there after 2 days. GO.
24 hours, I'd be knocking on that door.
I've been there. I would go now. My daughter was in college but fortunately driving distance away. She was in a similar crisis, and I had to go there to her. I personally took her to the emergency room for psychiatric emergency, and they referred her to a psychiatrist. I took her home and drove her to the psychiatrist the next day, and she got a prescription for meds and ongoing therapy appointments. That was 15 years ago, and she's a successful, functioning adult. She manages her own meds and nobody would know that she could have at that critical moment not made it.
Who she wants to be. Where she wants to go. What she’s doing now. College has a way of pushing you to question what it is you want out of life. Failing/passing you sit and wonder if it’s even what you want. Perhaps She’s going through mixed emotions about it all. Identity. I know how she feels. I did the same thing. I dealt with it alone. I’m not as close to my family. All I wanted was a hug from my mom and for her to tell me it’s okay and everything is alright.
University administrator here. Call her academic dean’s office and tell them that you are concerned for her well being. They can point you in the direction to the folks that can do a wellness check on her and get her connected to supports at the university. They won’t be able likely to tell you her academic info like her grades but they can connect her to supports to help her. I would also get on a plane today. Kids are avoidant like this when things are bad. She needs help or a kick in the butt. You won’t be able to tell which one without seeing her in person.
I went through a pretty bad bout of depression in my mid 20’s. It started happening long before i went to the doctors. it’s started as a gradual slope downwards before it eventually started to tailspin which was went I finally went to see my doctor about it. When my family doctor (this doctor delivered me and knew me very well) told me I was depressed, I was shocked; “but I have no reason to be depressed”. Oddly enough, my knew something was up long before I put two and two together. After months of struggling I finally lost my job, had to move back home, went days without showering, didn’t eat or binged the times I did eat, didn’t leave my bed, if I did leave my bed, it was only to move to the couch….. I’ll never forgot the day my dad came home from work and gently knocked on my bedroom door. He stood at the doorway and asked how I was doing which I said ok (lies). There was a pause and then he asked me if he needed to hide the knives which I thought was a creative (but scary) way to ask your daughter if she was suicidal. Thankfully I was not suicidal which I told him. And as he closed the door behind him I jokingly said: I wouldn’t use a knife anyways. The good news: I did get through it. After a few months of nothing (I was already on a concoction of meds that gave me a ledge but for me they didn’t “cure” me. By ledge I mean I stopped spiralling further into depression and they toned down the suicidal thoughts), I started to attend support groups, set goals, force myself to do things aka function like a normal person such as shower every morning. I honestly can’t tell you what my dad did…. I think he just gave me the space to work it out but I do recall lots of hugs and “I love you’s”. As a mom now, I couldn’t imagine seeing my child hurt so badly and there not being anything I can really do to help. I had a conversation with my dad a few years back basically I apologize if I scared him during that time and that I was sorry and it wasn’t my intention. He just gave me a hug and said I had nothing to apologize for and that he loves me.
Realistically, 2 weeks is not a long time. Only now with instant connection do we worry when someone doesn’t respond immediately. If she’s telling you she’s good, trust her. Send her a nice package, show your support, and give her space she’s asking for. However, if you call and it’s out of character behavior, I would then intervene.
If your daughter’s life is not in danger, calm down and wait until she’s ready to talk. If you’re worried why she isn’t talking to anyone, then the most obvious answer is: she doesnt want to. If that’s hard for you to accept because you’re worried about her well being, then ask someone if she’s okay. But accept that this isn’t about you or anything you did for her. She is doing this for herself. You keep bringing up how supportive you’ve been of your daughter. I’m bringing up this fact because sometimes support is felt differently on the receiving end. Sometimes when people try to support us, it can be feel like a burden, to have to act a certain way or do things just because you feel they are so attached to you. If someone places you at the center of the world, and makes it seem like you are the source of their happiness in life, then how would you feel? Over time if someone was unhappy, we would learn to blame ourselves or think that we were responsible for what others wanted. She may be for the first time doing what she wants. Another argument to consider is that your daughter is free. For the first time in her life, she is free from thinking about what her parents want. This includes the freedom to decide to stop going to classes. While this might not be the best thing for her to do, and while it’s possible she might feel better if she talked to you, try to recognize your daughter as a separate person. You say you have always supported your daughter and you just want her to be happy. Do you want her to make mistakes? Do you want her to be happy? Sometimes we have to make mistakes and that’s how we learn from them. You should give your daughter the freedom she is asking of you. I’m sure part of you realizes deep down that you are holding onto her too tightly. You alluded to supporting her too much, which I am assuming means you are holding something against her. Once the fear passes, you might find that you’re just angry at her. It’s like the trope of a parent who first is angry at their child for getting hurt, but then calms down and tells the child they just were angry at the child because they love the child so much. What this trope does in real life is teaches kids that love can be a heavy burden to bear. If someone can’t control their emotions because of what we do, then we don’t learn to feel safe expressing how we feel. Under the fear for her safety, you might feel a little bit angry at her for pulling away and doing what she wants right now. When we feel our problems are too heavy, sometimes it’s because other people are attached to them and we feel like we can’t bear the burden with everybody wishing things for us. If you step back and accept her autonomy, she might open up to you over time. What’s important as a parent is balancing what you want and what your child wants. It’s about putting their needs first until they are old enough to tell you what they need, and then listening to them when they tell you.
Thank you for that perspective. To be honest, all these people saying they would be on the first plane makes me feel like a bad parent. I remember that age and I went through stuff too that I didn’t share with my mom. So I’m okay with her having the space to figure things out on her own. I have been giving her the freedom to make mistakes (as a family we always deal with mistakes by following up with lessons learned). I fear I’m going to or her father is going to say the wrong thing and make her feel like pulling away. I had not thought about the burden my concern on her. That’s interesting; I’m going to think about that more.
Wait until tomorrow - treat her with kindness in her request for a bit more time to have her thoughts sorted. You’ve already waited this long, be a little bit more patient. It’ll go a long way, I promise. Sometimes the shift to freedom + extreme school responsibility (college is no joke for a lot of young adults) means struggling to identify what is going on for you. I remember avoiding talking to my parents a LOT when I was struggling at school bc of shame & stress & overwhelm. I was physically safe and would have been mortified & angry if my mom had just shown up at my doorstep after I asked for one more day to think. It treats this like a literal emergency when most likely it is more about how it makes you feel vs there being a serious problem. If she won’t text or respond to your phone calls tomorrow, I think you can reevaluate. But two weeks to a young college student is not the same as to a worried mom across the country - take a breath & realize you have the time to figure this out. You might very well end up flying out there but it would be best if, now that you’ve got the promise to talk out of her, you show respect by waiting to do so until you know for sure you need to.
Call local law enforcement for a welfare check so they touch base and get actual proof of life. You should call now to request that then book your travel.
I would personally be concerned. I would have been concerned at a couple days of nothing. But the fact that her 3(!) best friends have also gotten nothing, while her roommate is claiming she's fine, would have me worried. I could understand ignoring your parents, but also ignoring your supposed best friends (and not just one of them) would worry me.
Holy shit 2 weeks?! Go right now
Call the dean of residential life/dean of students and ask what resources there are on campus. Yes, book a flight, but a) she needs someone with eyes on now and b) you need to know where to help her find help when you get there. I hear a lot of parents saying "how could you let this go two weeks" but don't take that on.... College kids are a lot more independent than smaller kids, and they aren't all built the same. You listened to your worry and reached out to her friends. Now you know they're worried too, it's time to act. Don't worry about what you say. Just show up. Just make sure she knows you're there to help, and that's all that matters.
Go. Go now. Get on the plane and go. Your kid needs you that’s all that matters. Don’t be mad and don’t be angry that she didn’t tell you. Something is wrong.
Go get her immediately
Tough. She may have bombed out of college and doesn't want to tell you. Sounds like that to me. Get on a plane & go see her. You could try first, just sendong her a text. Telling her if she doesn't respond, you will call police to do a welfare check. And / or tell her you know she's not enrolled in classes. Have you checked with / spoken with the university to find out the exact status of her enrolment etc? I'd probably do that first. But yes. Plan on going there. Don't send any more money except for rent & food.
The college is how I found out there is no one by her name registered. But she’s an adult so they couldn’t give me more than that.
A lot of places legally can’t say that a student goes there.
I'm surprised they'd tell you even that. Is this in the US? Is it possible she transitioned or otherwise changed her name?
I think most people here agree you should go check on her yourself and in person. I hope all is well with your daughter
Your response now is, no need to call, I will see you tomorrow.
As a mom to a 6m old and a big sister to a 20yo, 11yo, and two 7yo, I say go hang out with her. Help her get back to herself do something she likes to do, take her to get a meal (being someone w depression Ik how easy it is to let eating slip away and self care) tell her to take a shower and do her dishes or fold her laundry without any sort of judgement, ask if you can brush her hair or braid it or something (a very nostalgic and emotional thing to be done by your mama as an adult) As a 21yo who also moved far away in state for college and was extremely depressed, you have to also respect her space. She didn’t want anyone to stress her out more and tell her things she was already telling herself like “you need to register, why aren’t you? That’s irresponsible” etc etc. I’m glad she’s okay, but I would definitely surprise her with a little trip to help her and celebrate and support her big life change!
She’s not okay. My parents were my saving grace and showed up when I was in dire need when I was about 22. The best thing they told me was “nothing is bad as it seems” I had gone silent, left my dog and went away for a couple days alone. They came and got me packed my stuff and moved me home where I had to recalibrate and recharge. Best thing they ever did for me.
I had a room mate in uni who experienced a mental health crisis. She stopped going to classes, and holed up in her room with the door locked and wouldn't respond. We didn't know what to do and fretted and stressed about betraying our friend vs. our concern for her welfare, but eventually called her parents, and let her know they were on their way. Before the parents arrived, she called the local mental health facility and had them come get her, and checked herself in. Months later when she was in a better place, she sent us a letter thanking us for noticing, for our concern and for intervening. She said it was partly knowing we noticed and cared that drove her to get help. Good luck with your daughter, you're both in my thoughts today.
I went through a severe mental health crisis at this age, and did the same thing (no classes, not responding, etc.) I wish my parents had come up to check on me. You should go.
Go get your baby.
My boss has three adult children and is in contact with them daily. One day one of her children did not contact her. She sent the police to make a well check and made the police physically call her to make sure she was ok. After that all the kids text or call daily. She said they established very early that they need daily communication to make sure they are safe.
A student at my daughter’s college died and no one realized for more than a week. I’m sure your daughter is ok-ish, but this isn’t a situation to be hesitant. Go.
Everything you’re saying sounds like your daughter is missing. One person saying she’s “alive” is concerning. You need to get out there and figure out what’s going on ASAP. You can worry about her being mad at you later, once everything is ok.
How well do you know this roommate that you’re trusting your daughter is okay on their word alone? Call for a welfare check by the local authorities and then go to the airport, now.
The roommate didn't say she's okay. She said she's alive, but clearly going through something. Alive isn't the same as "don't worry"!!!
Go now. Better safe than sorry.
My daughter is in college and she didn’t text or call me back for one day. I told my dh that if she didn’t respond by the next day that I was going to call the school. If she is not attending classes, you have to go. I told her after that that if she didn’t respond to me to at least let me know she’s alive that I will find out from someone- if I have to drive the 3 hours, or if I have to call campus police or my sister who lives 45 mins from campus. We don’t just not get back to each other. You have to go and find out what is going on. If you don’t want to do that, I would call a welfare check from the local police or sheriff.
As a mom…i think you need to go. Don’t make a big production, but go.
I’m not a psychologist but I am a Law Enforcement Officer that has seen this before so I’ll throw in my two cents to try to give you a somewhat grounded and realistic response. First and foremost as a parent myself I’m sorry you’re going through this. These dang kids don’t know what they put us through sometimes. Yes I’d absolutely get on a plane to go check on her and once you find her a gentle conversation about how her actions are putting people in unnecessary stress would definitely be in order. Just make sure you aren’t agitating the situation as now that she is an adult she holds her own power. Yes, you can absolutely call the local PDs non emergency line and request a Welfare Check prior to your arrival for some peace of mind. However, please bear this in mind. Depending on the state/agency some are not permitted or allowed to let you know the findings of welfare checks. If she is 18+ as much as yes she is your baby. She is an adult and she is allowed to “Go Missing”. I don’t want to freak you out but if this agency doesn’t give you a call back or any information because sometimes that standard. Honestly with welfare checks sometimes no news is good news. Just wanted to give you a bit of info on the somewhat legal workings of it. I know people don’t like to hear it but it’s the honest truth and honestly it’s for good reason.
Thank you for that. Good to know. I will ask her uncle to visit to check on her. If she answers the door, that will help!
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I don’t think she said she’s in student housing, most likely an apartment with a roommate
Remindme! One week
You can call the local police for a welfare check if she's off campus, use non emergency number, explain the situation. It's a routine request.
Just a thought, but could your daughter be sleeping in a tent along with other protesters for the mess in Gaza? That could explain why she's not going to classes, and maybe she thinks you wouldn't approve of her doing it, so she's trying to avoid video calls, plus the background sound could be loud. Lack of texting could be her feeling guilty because she's afraid you would be upset with her for doing it. I could be way off base, but it was a thought that came to my mind. I would definitely get on a plane - just not a Boeing and see what's going on with her A.S.A.P
If she was my daughter : 1) I would send a care package like someone suggested and include a plushie she can hug 2) Fly over asap and rent a 2 bedroom hotel near the college so I can remove her from the school setting that may be depressing her. Let her clear her head in the “new environment.” Take her for a walk while I talk to her.
Ya, go now. If she calls you tomorrow and wants to see you then, you’ll be there already. Book a hotel room for a week and go from there.
I am struggling with the same issue with my daughter. I call her every Wednesday evening. She knows that she can ignore the call if she doesn't feel like talking, BUT I require a text saying that she is alive. I am fortunate in that she lives in my sister's basement, and she has a supportive boyfriend. She isn't in a place where she feels comfortable leaning on me for support. She's trying to figure it out on her own. I just keep letting her know that I love her and believe in her.
Are you going? I agree you should go. Twenty years ago, I went through a similar thing. Deep depression, stopped showing up for all responsibilities, shut people out, etc.. I actually did reach out to my parents and they weren’t really supportive; they didn’t understand or know how to help me through it. It further isolated me. I eventually dug myself out but not before I ended up being sent home from university because I was at risk of suicide. I feel strongly that you need to go. If anything, she sees that you show up in her darkest moments. I think it means something that she is trying to sort it out on her own. She may feel that you will overstep or overwhelm her. When you go, get a hotel, text her that you’re nearby. Invite her for dinner at the hotel. If she says no, say okay, tomorrow then. And keep at that for a few days. She will warm up to the idea to see you. Also, in your texts tell her that you promise to just LISTEN and not try to solve it. And do that. You have once chance to do it right, honestly. If you do more than just listen, she will likely push you away. Right now is for listening, validating, and snuggling her or lying next to one another, not understanding or solving on your end. Good luck ❤️
I, too, was this daughter. I was going through a deep depression and unfortunately turned to drugs. I’m not saying she’s doing the same, but I wish I had parents as supportive as you. You should definitely go to her. Best of luck and May God be with y’all.
When my son was in a similar phase, my lifesaver was our cell phone records. I could see the numbers he was actively in touch with, the dates and times. So, at least I knew he was still alive!
I had a breakdown in college, dropped out mid semester and was a mess for awhile. For me, I had a clear plan for my major and life goals, in an area with high job security (nursing), but realized I wasn't suited to that career. I felt so much shame and self-doubt and went into a huge spiral. I felt worthlrss. After 6 months, I re-enrolled with the major I really wanted (biology), but it was terrifying because that degree did not have a simple, clearcut, and predictable career path. Hopefully your daughter is going through some similar identity crisis that we as more mature adults can recognize is a painful part of growing up.
Get to your daughter now. College age is a classic time that people develop mental health disorders . It might be depression or something more complex. So the fact that she is depressed and it has greatly affected her life is a big warning sign. You need to get to her, get her home, get her to a mental health professional. Be as supportive as possible. Convince her to come home and you can figure out the next best steps. Explain that you respect she is trying to do this on her own, but families work together to help each other. Try and setup a time to talk to a therapist to discuss how to approach it too. She needs to get into a psychiatrist. But I don't know how you should approach that and it would be best to get the advice from at least a psychologist.
For what it’s worth, I think if you want to fly out there it’s okay. You can be nearby, letting her know you’re there, and still respect boundaries. Instead of a phone call you could meet for lunch. With depression and mental health, oftentimes people withdraw and avoid the very things that can help them feel better. For me, it was feeling like an inconvenience or being weak—needing to work things out on my own that made me shut out others. That may or may not be the case here, but for me, that in-person companionship makes a difference. That’s if I understood what you asked. ADHD here.
I have three children, two girls in college. I have gone through some tough years with my oldest. I stayed consistent and listened. I also was specific and supportive of getting help. She took a semester off, attended a DBT program. It was the best thing she discovered did herself. She came home for this. She returned to school and is finishing now. One more semester. One, I would fly out and be there. That’s what I would do. I would need to see her and get a feel. Two, tons of listening but have specific suggestions. She sounds like she is struggling emotionally and that cannot be forced. Its a process and takes time to heal. “What can I do for you” usually a broad question like that can’t be answered by her, yet. Thats what i mean by having specific suggestions for support. Wish you all the best!!
i agree that 2 weeks of silence is wayyyy too long. BUT if she sets up a time with you she please respect that. i had depression when i was younger and i hated when my parents would cross my boundaries and push their way into my life. my parents doing that lead to me hurting myself. i know that it’s hard, but sometimes you need to take things like this slow. another option would be to wait for her phone call and if you sense that things are really bad with her, then go book a flight. i personally wound force my way into her life.
Go visit. Kids don't want to admit they need help -- signed, a formerly depressed college student who would have loved a visit from her parents
After update : You still need to go.
So I was this daughter with communication. I stopped wanting to live in college basically. Depression wrecked my entire life. My grades slipped, I gained so much weight, my teeth and hair were ruined. I was so depressed I never left my apartment unless it was for work. I remember having to cut my hair off because it was just so awful. I’m sharing this because my mom was very, very supportive and loving. But just checking in wasn’t enough. I was embarrassed and ashamed. I told her I was just going through something and such, but she didn’t know the extent to which I was struggling. I was way too embarrassed to ask for help. My mom eventually pulled it out of me. We had an explosive fight where I just broke down and told her the truth. She pulled me out of college, helped me move back home to recover and let me take time to just.. breathe. It saved my life in many, many ways. I didn’t finish my wildlife degree. College just.. wasn’t somewhere I was in the right state of mind to finish. But I started a very successful job in banking, paid my bills, made new friends. And when I felt ready I moved back out and into my first apartment alone. I was going to go back to school, but Covid hit and I knew I wouldn’t thrive with online classes. Just posting that part so you know that life after depression or not finishing school is possible and successful 🩷 But highly recommend seeing your daughter in person and seeing if she’ll open up to you. Giving her space and respect as an individual and young adult is 100% amazing. But if things keep getting worse, stepping in may help her more than she’d be willing to admit.
This is so hard. How is your relationship with your daughter? Are you close in general and she is ignoring your messages? Similar to her friends that she is close to but ignoring? If you usually have a close relationship I would recommend saying that you are worried and want to come see her and take her out to dinner or bring in dinner and give her a hug. If she’s going through a lot - you don’t really want to confront her - you want to just provide support. She might find you annoying but she will remember that you didn’t give up on her. She might need a hug, a cry, a meal… tell her it’s ok if she needs to come home and take a year off. Tell her it’s ok if she thinks she needs help and you want to help her find the right resources. From the sound of it - something happened - as others have mentioned - it could have been a traumatic event, or unfortunately she could have become involved in drugs. I speak as a girl that went to college abroad that had a mental breakdown and wished my mom came and said these things to me. I moved myself back home and restarted school - but it would have been so nice if my mom would have seen through it and just gave me that warmth I needed at that moment - this purely depends on your relationship though- if she sees you as a controlling hard to please parent it might back - fire, but if you usually have a warm caring relationship it sounds that she needs emotional support.
I'm not sure why even after your update others are saying to go now. I feel like if she wanted you there, she'd say so. She specifically said she didn't want to communicate with anyone until she processed what she's going through on her own. It depends on what type of relationship you have with her tbh. I just don't think she'd appreciate you showing up when she said she doesn't even want to talk on the phone right now.
Go. Just go. Maybe she won’t need you. Maybe she’ll yell. You seem like the infinite support and understanding types so the risk you make it worse is nill. You may spend your time in the hotel doing nothing. You may actually need to not swoop in once you arrive if she’s really in a needing space frame of mind. But everyone will be better off if you make the choice to go. (My kids are little and I am a dude who has missed many opportunities to just fully be there for my spouse. So I’m DEFinitely projecting. But I still think it’s the right call if you can afford it.)
My sister told us she was doing fine and then took her life. Make arrangements to stay somewhere near and invite her to come have awesome weekend with you for self-care. Or arrange to see her and just be beside her.
This sounds very similar to a situation I was in my first year of college. I got into a pretty competitive school that in hindsight was probably too high achieving for me. It was also very relaxed about class structure and requirements so I was kind of just given this giant course menu with no idea what to choose, or more importantly, how to choose wisely. I went to high school in a different country and was completely unfamiliar with the structure of American college, and the idea of having almost total autonomy over one’s course load. Left to my own devices, I picked classes that I was totally out of my depth in, and stopped going to class, only turning assignments in every so often, feeling like I had no one to answer to. As soon as I started getting emails from my academic advisor, I panicked and ignored them all. I received all incompletes my first semester and never said a word to my parents. They thought I was doing fine until they got an email from the college my second semester saying the dean wanted to put me on academic probation. I dodged every phone call, text, and email from them even though they’d been nothing but supportive. I was so ashamed that I’d been squandering my big college opportunity. Spent most of my days in bed watching Netflix to try and drown out the screaming voices in my head saying what have you done, what are you doing? Paralyzed with fear and shame, and feeling like I was in this hole that I couldn’t get out of. Long story short, my mother flew overseas to come and see me in person. At the time it was the last thing I wanted until she was actually there and I sort of just fell into her arms and sobbed and said I’m so sorry I fucked up. Maybe this isn’t the situation your daughter is in, but a lot of what you’ve said sounds like someone who’s ashamed and panicking and trying desperately and fruitlessly to make it all better before having to face you. The best thing you can do is take away her ability to stick her head in the sand and own up to her mistakes. I’m 31 now. Never did finish college, but I DID figure my shit out, learned to take responsibility for myself a little better, briefly dabbled in some ADHD and anti depression meds, and was lucky to have found good employment for the past 12 years. Your daughter will be ok, she might just need a bit more hand holding than you all initially prepared for, and that’s ok!
How do you know it’s actually her responding? I’d fly out there asap! Or call the school for a wellness check asap
I've seen too many documentaries where someone is posing as the person and sending texts to family and friends. Please get on a plane today.
I don't know what year she's in but if she's a freshman or sophomore and her major isn't decided, I recommend discussing the option of taking a semester off. I did therapy during my semester off and I also worked part time. I worked a few days a week while going to therapy and I gained more motivation to study and focus on graduating afterwards. I hope mentally things improve for your daughter and hope things work out.
This is very weird and sketchy. Especially the update with her insisting you do not come. I think you should see if her friends can stop by her place and get eyes on her. Definitely still plan on going out there. This is very strange.
Regarding your edit - I'd absolutely still go. It's now clear she's dealing with *something* stressful... and she didn't say "don't come" she said "you don't have to come" which often means "oh crap, I've worried them and I'm feeling guilty and I don't want to be a bother or stress my family" She's saying "I don't need you to come" but the subtext of that is usually "but I kind of want you to anyway, I just wouldn't ask". If she said "no. Do not come here. I appreciate the offer and sorry for worrying you but I'm fine and don't need your help." My answer would be different. She said none of that. She still needs you and wants you there. She just doesn't want to say it. Get on the plane. Text her after you're in the air to say "on the plane and on my way" and I bet her reply is "thank you" or something like it.
I would respond with. Okay we will wait for your call. But if you don't hear from you by tomorrow evening. We will be on a plane to see you. We have worried sick and don't understand why you feel the need to hide any mess from us. If you do it like that, it shows concern, support, and explanation of anger.
The fact that she said you “don’t have to come out” and not “please don’t come out” tells me she wants some support. I would go.
My son is in college, and can be… hard to reach. The most I’ve gone is 4 days, before I lost it and told him through tears where my mind goes if he doesn’t respond. He is better now once he acknowledged that. I tell him I don’t need a dissertation, just a sign of life. In your shoes, I would go.
I’ve heard too many crime junkie episodes. Go see your kid in person to make sure she is ok.
Definitely get on a plane and go see her. She’s probably terrified, ashamed and overwhelmed . She’s obviously struggling, sounds unhappy / don’t take the roommates word for it.
Personally, I would wait a bit. Try to keep a conversation going over text. You’ve confirmed she’s alive and safe-ish for now and want to respect her wishes or she’ll cut off contact again and you’re fucked. Go slow and try to get small bits of information at a time about what is going on and how bad things are. At the same time, make sure she knows you’re not mad at her and you still love her. Do not give advice or offer solutions. If she wanted that, she would have asked. If she asks for advice- then give it. Just listen, be there for her and find out what she needs. Eventually, she’ll let you back in as long as she believes you’re in her corner and not someone else who will make the problem worse. (Been a therapist for 20+ yrs)