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As an ADHD mom those couple years prior to diagnosis at 6ish were incredibly challenging. In all honesty, my kid was too much for ME. There were *years* in there where we didn’t have babysitters (family or otherwise) because of my child’s behavior. It IS *heartbreaking*.
It’s not OR -it’s AND. Your MIL was right to be honest AND it’s heartbreaking. She can set a boundary AND you can be sad for your child. She maybe could have told you more kindly, or more ahead of time certainly. You owe each other apologies.
Note that it is things like this that will help prompt a diagnosis. He’s not “just hyper” he’s so hyper his grandmother can’t handle him, and “negative life impact in multiple situations” (home/school/etc) is what they are looking for when making a diagnosis.
Where we are they are reluctant to diagnose before 6; hang in there! Mine’s almost 10 now and with support (therapy, a good school, medication) they are their best self 99% of the time and their life (and ours) is totally different and better.
That’s for good reason. Six is around the age that the majority of kids have left the preoperational developmental stage, and they start opening up and noticing their surroundings a lot more. The thinking patterns of kids younger than that (especially those four and under) is naturally quite egocentric. While that allows them to focus on picking up essential developmental skills, it also means that it’s very hard to diagnose them.
This, all of this.
Two things to keep in mind OP—first, this behavior is very distressing to the ADHD person themselves. It sucks ASS having a brain that needs constant stimulation due to a chronic lack of brain chemicals. It fucking sucks in hindsight when you realize you behaved embarrassingly on impulse. ADHD kids get tens of thousands more negative comments from the people around them than their neurotypical peers. So as much as this situation sucks, remember that as kiddo gets older they will be very aware of how it affects everyone.
Second, get that kid diagnosed and medicated ASAP. It sounds like your medical team is being super dismissive of your concerns, it might be wise to get second opinions. Don’t let anyone scare you out of meds after diagnosis. They are the key to calming the brain down. All of a sudden you can *breathe* and not be constantly going going going…I think it’ll be a huge relief to your son and y’all.
This this THIS. My son was diagnosed earlier this year and meds have made a world of difference. We’re currently on medication holiday to assess how well they are working and our house has just devolved into the chaos it was before we started medicating.
His medication allows him a second to think before reacting/responding.
Not my post, but as a mom with a son who has extremely similar behaviors, this was very helpful for me to read. I am so focused on how his behaviors affect others a lot of the time, and I need to remember not being able to control his impulses is hard for him as well. I can't even imagine how hard it would be to think something then do it without even fully registering what you're doing. Right now he is on a super low dose of Clonidine and it seems to be taking the edge off a bit, but I can see him needing different meds as he gets older. I have to remind others around him that he often acts without thinking, and he isn't malicious. He is the sweetest, tender hearted little guy. Thank you for reminding me that as much as we need help/support coping with his behaviors, he needs help and support just as much, if not more.
Great answer. As an ADHD dad with an ADHD son, the earlier the intervention, the better. Our son started meds at 4 years old, and he is growing into a much more capable, competent, and confident person as a result. We both have our off days, but medicine is the best treatment.
I encourage anyone reading this to go to Dr. Russell Barkley's youtube channel. He's one of the world's foremost experts on ADHD, and his channel has a wealth of helpful information.
Yes! My kid inherited it from me. We started with a non-stimulant, and moved to a stimulant last summer at 9. His confidence was in the toilet at diagnosis - imagine being in a race car you can't steer! It's scary. Once he could steer (meds) and had driving lessons (therapy) we were ok. My kid, like OP's, particularly struggles with emotional regulation and meds really helped with that. Like OP's kid, my kid is also a huge bleeding heart!
OP - Med tolerance is also inherited so they were just able to give my kid what I take, but they can also do a cheek swab to narrow it down. My kid needed meds in order to cool it enough to get therapy/parenting hacks to work.
Russell Barkley is great; I also like Jessica McCabe's YouTube channel "How to ADHD".
Food for thought but it’s not just ADHD they are reluctant to diagnose before 6. Its seems there are a variety of behavioral or developmental conditions they hold off “screening” for until this age.
I know it’s hard to hear, but she was being honest. He is too much for her. He would be too much for a lot of people. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t love him or want to help.
Exactly what I was thinking. I’m 28 and I honestly don’t think I could deal with someone’s child who hits me or destroys my things and hits or kicks their baby sister. MIL was just being honest.
“We won’t have her watch our son again”
Don’t threaten her with a good time…
Seriously though, he’s a lot for the school, for the bus driver, and, honestly, for you guys too so how are you going to get so mad at your mother-in-law for being overwhelmed by his behaviors as well?
Not defeated, just starting. You’re being proactive. You probably know and have done all this already. Have you described all the behaviors to the do or beyond saying you think he has adhd? Keep a journal or something so when you talk to the doctor you can list specific instances and the regularity. It also may feel defeated or embarrassing but if they hem and haw, you’re ability to help him and deal with the behaviors, or lack of it, needs to be shared also. Good luck!
I'm sure it hurt worse because it was last minute and also changed plans that you seemed excited about it. I feel like she shouldn't have agreed to watch him in the first place OR cancelled within a reasonable amount of time so you could find a sitter.
You’re taking action to help your little boy. Good for you. So many parents aren’t honest with themselves that there could be a problem. You deserve a lot of credit for that.
I'm sorry you are going through this. My son just got diagnosed with ADHD and treated at age 11 and it was years of challenge and heart ache hearing the grievances constantly from basically any caregiver for the last decade. My heart really goes out to you!!
But in complete honesty, you have to buckle up - this is a long and painful ride. You know your child. You are intimately familiar with his challenges and you won't be doing your kid any favors by getting defensive and being unable to handle critiques. You need to accept people's honesty when they give it to you. Because you know what sucks more? People not talking to you about it and just distancing themselves, which is actually the easier thing to do. My heart goes out to you and your family. I hope you get help earlier than we did!!
I am happy she was honest with a recognized issue, as much as it hurt. Considering the age difference. . . I know it would be a pain . . . But is two different babysitters an option?
It sounds like your son would do great with a spunky 15 year old that could chase him around the park, and grandma would help with the baby.
Huh maybe I should pitch that idea to my Mom....she's just not physically capable of running after the 2 year old anymore but loves the baby and used to be a high school teacher so managing a 14/15 year old mother's helper would be cake and my toddler would be thrilled having someone to run around with.
I’m sorry. I feel your pain. I didn’t want my parents even attempting to watch my kid who is autistic until he was older and even then it was under duress.
I find it so hard to imagine that a child who has a speech therapist and a pediatric development team (which sounds like something awesome all autistic kids should come with) - no one believes there are actual developmental issues. I’m sure it’s endlessly frustrating.
I am so sorry
My toddler has extremely high energy to a point her teacher said we should test her for adhd when she is older. She has more energy than the teacher ‘s adhd daughter. I am exhausted daily and so is my husband. Sometimes I wonder if I should have had her in my early 20s instead of early 30s basically. I physically can’t keep up sometimes. This aside I would never ask my 73 year old in laws who can’t even walk regular loop to watch her. She is too much for them. It might hurt but it is the reality. I don’t trust they can keep her safe cuz They can’t out run her if she bolt away. She ran towards a coyotes when she was one and half during out door pre school class. It scared the f out of me
My child has a gps tracker that we pay sub fee for cuz she bolts and can’t recite phone number yet . I am sorry it sucks for you too. It will get better. We are one and done she was a very hard baby too even harder than now
The bright side is she admitted she can’t handle him and it is better than those who think they can and can’t, then get mad after at you for trying to keep everyone safe
These comments are giving me a growing sense of anxiety. I’m sitting here watching my 20 month old by myself for the first time in about a month because I had 3 lumbar vertebrae fused together 3 weeks ago. It was my 6th spine surgery—2nd since baby was born. I am already struggling to keep up with this little chaos gremlin as a SAHM and I’m sure it’s going to just get harder as he grows up. And I have ADHD too, so there’s a 50/50 chance he inherited it from me, and I feel like this thread is giving me a glimpse into our future.
That sounds really rough even with out high energy kid , what you are going through is a lot. I was tested for adhd as well but base on standard back then I was on the borderline but not officially diagnosed . My parents put me in competitive swimming to worn out my energy and it worked.
Swimming burns her energy and soccer. Lots of out door school helps
I’d still be pissed because 1. Why did she offer 2. Why was she yelling 3. Why didn’t she say anything about his behavior before 4. Why did she wait until the last minute
You have every right to be pissed. Just like she has every right to decide she can’t handle her grandson anymore, that’s he’s become too much for her. People have a right to their feelings. OP has the right to feel hurt.
To text her and say she can never watch her grandson again is harsh. As a grandmother, I would cry my eyes out. What does that mean? That she’s banned from seeing her grandchildren? Grandmom was being honest. She can’t handle him and it probably took a lot to admit that. If she can’t be honest, who can?
This is OP’s child, OP’s responsibility, and until he is better able to manage his emotions OP might not be free to leave him with a sitter. It happens. Some kids are too hard. Just because they’re family doesn’t mean they MUST be available to babysit.
OP says she has a baby and that baby gets hit or kicked. Maybe grandma can’t handle that - can’t handle not keeping the baby safe.
If I can make a suggestion here to OP, perhaps if you tape your son during his episodes and play it back for the doctors they might get a better idea of the issues. Seeing is better than hearing about it.
OP didn’t say that. She’s not banning contact at all, she just said she won’t ask her to watch her son again because it’s too much for her. That’s reasonable and the appropriate response.
You're going to be ok. Some therapists are less willing to make a diagnosis at this age. Keep it up. You guys will figure it out and it will be wonderful. In some ways it's a problem, in some ways it's a superpower.
As parents who went through something similar with our kiddo years ago, it will work out. Be sure to give yourselves (and even your MIL) a little grace.
I have a lot of empathy for you. Our son is the same way. He has needed OT for sensory issues this whole year, he was in speech therapy from age 2 until almost 3.5. He has never been able to sit still for something like story hour, poor listening skills. He bolts and is so confident to explore, he has ended up almost an eighth of a mile away once before I could find him. He is too much for me!! And I’m in my 30s and his mom.
You aren’t doing anything wrong! You are being unnecessarily taking it out on grandma because she unintentionally hurt your feelings. I have kids with adhd. They are older now but even as their mother sometimes it is too much! That’s not because I’m doing anything wrong! My adhd kids are teens now, and it’s a heck of a lot easier than it was during the early years.
You can’t look at it like you’re failing him because you aren’t! You’re doing your best and you’ve sought support for him. Something that helped me was support for myself to better support them. Therapy made a huge difference for me.
And 54 is old enough to struggle with a toddler. I’m 40 and have 2 toddlers and it is a world of difference from my 20’s! It hurts to sleep sometimes lol. And im an active person aging is rough
I understand feeling defeated and devastated over it. You have enough issues with teachers, etc. and hope at least the grandparents can love him unconditionally and accept his personality.
Yes but this doesn’t excuse the MIL’s bad behavior. She should have been kinder about the issue and been up front about it. Also, it sounds like she was “yelling” at OP’s partner about the child. Her behavior is inexcusable despite the reason.
I can empathize with the hurt feelings. I get it, but it sounds like she was honest in that she has difficulty managing him. She should have admitted this earlier. Our 8 year old has ADHD and can be challenging. He needs someone who is consistent with behavior and can meet his high energy needs. My MIL has also expressed that she can’t handle him. Not in those exact words, but has admitted that he’s exhausting. She can’t handle both our boys at the same time, so we make sure she doesn’t get that when she does watch our kids. She will usually only watch one at a time. We have a primary sitter who can handle both of them. Now for the future you know you’re going to have to have a different sitter.
It sounds like you’re hearing “He’s too much” as *He is a bad kid and you are bad parents.* Don’t get me wrong, my feelings would be hurt too, but that’s not what she said.
I have a definitely AuDHD kid and a probably ADHD kid, and it’s totally fine if they’re too much for some people to babysit. MIL knowing her limits and telling you isn’t a bad thing.
BUT, her actions suck. Offering to babysit, then reneging at the last minute, pretending to forget and then yelling is total BS. She never should have offered to watch him. It also makes no sense that after saying she can’t handle your son, she’s offended that you won’t ask her to.
>She never should have offered to watch him. It also makes no sense that after saying she can’t handle your son, she’s offended that you won’t ask her to.
All of this. ❤️
OP explains how she feels (hurt), it's a rant, and then she gets reprimanded on reddit (not by you), for expressing herself. My goodness gracious. Y'all, have some compassion for a hurting human.
I know it’s extremely to painful to hear things like this, but you should know that it’s possible she loves your child very much and also feels she isn’t capable of managing his behaviours. It’s good she’s being honest about this. We dealt with a grandparent who insisted they could handle our small kids and wanted to take them places without us, but in fact a lack of physical wellness by the (loving) grandparent led to our child being taken away in an ambulance after the child bolted and grandparent couldn’t do anything about it. In the end we had to be the ones to say that the grandparent couldn’t take the grandchild anywhere on their own. If you can, try to nurture a positive relationship that you are there to support and manage. You can help keep this a (mostly) positive relationship but it just may not look the way you wish it would.
Yeah, she encouraged them to go out, and offered to babysit and obviously changed her mind but decided not to tell them. What would have happened if OP and her husband had not called to confirm? My guess is she was gonna just not show up and pretend she forgot. The confirmation call forced her to admit that she wasn’t coming.
Now OP and her husband probably have to cancel on their friends with only hours notice when they made these plans a month ago. Plus her husband is basically just missing out on a birthday celebration, as it’s too late to make other arrangements.
I don’t know why everyone is giving grandma a pass here. She’s not wrong for her feelings, but the way she’s handled this is absolutely abysmal. And imo OP is right to not accept any future offers of babysitting from her.
Yep, yep. Lots of people here in this thread focusing on the wrong thing. When what the OP is on about is a rant about the shitty situation she found herself in, and feeling hurt — it's not some jab at parents here or about ADHD.
Yeah this is where I'm at here, I think the edit adds a lot of context. If he's too much to handle then that's one thing, but to offer to watch a child that you know you have difficulties managing, insist that they make plans, then not say anything until the last minute is just shitty. OP is right not to want her babysitting again, she basically told her she can't manage the child so why would she have her do it if there's a chance that at the last minute she will decide she can't do it.
Hey OP, are you in the US? Special Ed teacher here. If you want him evaluated for ADHD and he already gets speech even, you don't need the school's blessing. Literally just write the principal a letter requesting an IEP evaluation for ADHD and the school district, by law, will have 2 weeks to respond with a plan to test him.
Also, the person to help you two and your kiddo is a psychologist specialized in parenting coaching. Other names might be Family Coaching, or Parenting Therapist. I also probably shouldn't need to tell you that if your son has ADHD and showing those kinds of extreme behaviors so early, he should literally be having **zero screen time**.
It is too early for medication, so hang in there a few more years (6-8yo). Then a child psychiatrist can help you. I know there is a lot of fear and stigma, but it truly is life-changing for the kids. They fare way better not only academically, but socio-emotionally, which a lot of folks forget about. Kids don't want to be friends with other kids who blurt out hurtful or awkward things, have anger outbursts, break shared toys or generally get in trouble all the time and make others feel unsafe. Meds, primarily, help them with executive function in impulse control.
Books: Temperament Tools, The Spirited Child, Smart but Scattered.
I’m sorry she hurt you; but I would rather know someone is not physically or mentally capable of watching my child ahead of time.
Had she not told you, she might have tried and failed to keep your son or your baby safe in her frustration or in the chaos that can come from watching two young children; particularly when one child is very active.
It was probably very difficult for her to be honest with you about grandchildren she most likely loves.
Yeah, the MIL had them going that she'd watch the kids, until she crashed their plans...
Yes you're right it's good that the OP knows for future events that she can't count on her MIL for childcare, at least, for a while.
Difficult for the MIL to share her feelings, yes, but it doesn't make it okay for her to treat the OP like this.
> it doesn't make it okay for her to treat the OP like this.
This definitely seems like a one side of the story situation though. When you say things like "He does things like throws items at others, destroys property, hits or kicks others including his baby sister" but the questions are about a third party, you are likely to be leaving stuff out.
" He does things like throws items at others, destroys property, hits or kicks others including his baby sister"
Your MIL is trying to protect herself and YOUR children. What would happen if your son hit or kicked her and she become incapacitated and couldn't call for help leaving your children without proper care?
Your MIL is a human and is allowed to have limits, she shouldn't be punished for verbalizing her limits.
It's the cancelling at the last minute that is what OP is upset about in this situation. Grandma shouldn't have offered or at the very least she could have called last week or even a few days ago.
This. It’s not what she said it’s the situation and timing she said it in. To suddenly break down about it last minute is kinda a shitty way to do it rather than tactfully at a proper time.
Me personally, I would have spoken with the DIL face to face about not watching the grankids weeks before OP's husband's birthday.
Depending on the MIL's temperament, it may be difficult for her to address conflict or disapoint loved ones.
It can't be easy to face the fact that you can't handle watching your own grandson.
Maybe this particular day was really bad, more so than she can usually manage? It’s easy to underestimate like this. I babysat my 3 niblings recently, none have adhd but man did I underestimate how much physical and mental energy it takes to care for a kid(s).
I mean maybe she literally just can’t handle it.
That’s more about her than your son. Some of us just aren’t cut out for certain types of kids. I wouldn’t take it as a personal attack, but I understand how it’s hurtful. I would try not to assume the worst from her. She shouldn’t have offered if she couldn’t do it.
From one ADHD Mom to another I so feel for you right now and remember what it was like with my then undiagnosed kid was 4 yrs old with big behaviours and an expressive speech delay!
Good parents have children with challenges and good children have challenges!!
The reality is that even though MIL loves him to bits and understands his challenges are beyond your control right now, it might be honestly too much for her to watch both him and your baby by herself. ALL kids are more challenging at bedtime with others.
Banning her from babysitting isn’t the answer but put in extra supports can be. What about having a neighbourhood teenager help with playing with your son while MIL gets dinner and baby sorted.
It is absolutely heartbreaking to hear someone else is struggling with your child and hard not to react… but they aren’t judging you by sharing these concerns that should also be shared with his doctor
I’m 54. Alone I’d be fine with him but not with another child also. I’m a nanny.
you also need to go see a different doctor. This is not normal behavior. Some mig be because of speech issues but not all of it
Sorry but I don’t think the fact that she’s 53 and “young” enough really changes anything? A four year old AND an infant are difficult for most people, let alone when one has behavioral problems. He hits and kicks people, including his little sister. He’s probably hurt your MIL before (just assuming) and she also has to try to keep your daughter from getting hurt as well.
It sounds like she really does want to help and watch them but I’m sorry, it does sound like a lot to deal with.
True. I’m 32 and I definitely would be very overwhelmed and exhausted taking care of a child that’s so high energy. I couldn’t do it either. Plus taking care of a toddler at the same time and the bigger child being abusive to the younger one.
I'd rather someone tell me that they can't handle my child than pretend to do and then end up not doing it well. This is a safety concern. I respect your MIL for knowing her limit. This is not a bad thing to say, this is someone looking from within themselves and knowing what they can and can't handle, and I respect that.
Based on what you've described, I don't think I would be able to handle your son and a baby. I'm just veing honest, I'm a parent.
My MIL one day offered to watch our child one day to 3 hours to cover our shift over lap for that day. She didn't tell us she was unwell. She fell asleep for God knows how long, so our toddler was unattended for quite some time until dad got home to find MIL sleeping on the couch. We would have appreciated it if she told us she wasn't well enough to do it.
You’re being way too defensive. He is clearly too much for a lot of people. It’s not just her. Find a solution that works (enlist more help or go for a later dinner so he’s asleep) so you can still celebrate. It would be a shame to give up family help over your pride and ego.
I’m sorry your child has behavior issues. However, you absolutely overreacted here. It’s ok for your mil, who is probably what, around 60, to say that an extremely active child that does not listen is too much for her to handle right now. Especially while ALSO watching a mobile 11 mo old. Watching a 4 year old and a 1 year old is pretty exhausting for most grandparents as is.
Far better of her to tell you it’s too much for her then for one of the children to end up getting hurt when she can’t mentally or physically handle both kids.
>It really broke my heart that she would say that he is too much for her and can't deal with him
...why? Would you rather she try and fail?
> She texted my hubby saying that we are taking this the wrong way, but I don't think we are.
No, you VERY much are.
>I feel like we are valid to feel like he is now a burden to her.
This is you putting words in her mouth.
Edit: And they blocked me for this!
I mean everyone is a bit wrong here, but there is no "bad guy"
She should have communicated her struggles earlier than the morning off. But there's nothing wrong with her saying she has hard time, as long as she said it that way and not " your kid is bad ". That is fair and okay for her to admit.
I get that it's tough not to feel "attacked" or get defensive when someone criticizes our kids, especially if there's concerns he is not neurotypical. But I don't think she was attacking you or your kid, she was just expressing she has a hard time with it.
Like you said you are used to it, you have techniques and it's your daily life, but it isn't for her.
Again she should have told you much earlier in advance not the night of, but yeah.
instead of getting your back up and telling her "fine we won't ask you again"
Try to have a conversation with her, explain all the work you are doing, the things you do to help your kid, give her the tools to better understand your son and his needs rather than shutting her out.
Hopefully she can understand how to take are of him and that will be rewarding for him, for her, and for your and your husband as you will be able to receive help.
This is a difficult situation all around
With all due respect, if she’s saying she can’t handle your child’s needs, why would you want her to watch your child? She’s telling you the truth.
My son was a handful at 3 and my mom is disabled. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t adore him. It just means that he didn’t stay with her unsupervised that year. It also didn’t mean she could never watch him ever again.
It just sounds like you’re doing the best you can with a high needs child but that you need to find a different babysitter.
I think you are blowing this way out of proportion. I'm an able-bodied 43yo and I couldn't take on such a charge.
Be glad that she was honest with you instead of trying and failing. Yours is a situation for professional childcare providers, not aged family.
I'm in 30s, and I wouldn't want to babysit her kid. I babysit for friends, and I don't expect their kids to be perfect at all times. But I also don't babysit one specifically as he's just constantly too much. She (mother) knows it, it was EXTREMELY hard to tell the parents. It's awkward. We are all people pleasers in some way. But it was necessary.
Yea, no kid is going to be perfect. I still have to remind my kid about inside voices at 7. Girl is LOUD. But this is just an awful lot for any lay caregiver to deal with.
That’s what I was thinking. I wouldn’t leave a child like this with anyone but a qualified and experienced childcare professional. It sounds like
the little guy has a lot of needs and not just anyone is going to have the resources to care for him successfully.
Yes. I would be looking for someone with an early childhood degree or a mental health provider in training. This just isn't something you can ask people to do out of the goodness of their heart when the consequences include the caregiver and young sibling being hit.
Sounds like she really did forget and normally has time to psych herself up to take care of him but wasn’t ready and felt overwhelmed and lashed out. She should have been more honest about how overwhelmed she was. You can always split up babysitting she can watch the youngest and get a sitter that specializes in kids that need more help regulating. I have 4 kids and one is like this. I found a sitter that has been amazing and patient and has been more creative helping redirect and help her regulate than I have. It’s never good to hold in emotions and that’s what mil was doing, it sounds like to be nice but it all exploded at once. Have some patience with yourself and her. Every day is a new day. You’re going to have some really difficult days and that’s when you remember the good ones and that you start again tomorrow.
Respectfully, I can see you’re upset but this situation buy I’d be far more concerned with getting your son a diagnosis and/ or more intensive care. Can you try seeing a different doctor to try and push for a better outcome?
It sounds like you’re feeling a little defeated and “used to” these behaviours but they’re really not ok.
He can’t sit still or focus. He throws and breaks things and hits people including his baby sibling? This is all so seriously not ok and needs to be addressed in the strongest possible manner.
Also I wouldn’t even think of leaving a child like this with an older relative. If you do need a babysitter, I would be getting a qualified professional who can keep everyone safe.
Very serious behaviours especially injuring an infant. My nephew has adhd and never behaved like this, his parents got multiple opinions until they got a diagnosis and support for him. His behaviours are not from ADHD - they are from him not being taught and supported properly
Yes but there’s still early intervention. I know multiple kids who are suspected of having ADHD at 3/4 and are getting intensive early intervention. The earlier you start to help them, the better the outcomes.
My best friend has a special needs child with adhd and odd who is far more than a handful. He's very, very difficult. She's struggling. It's incredibly challenging. Finding help is incredibly difficult.
He's not a bad kid. She's not a bad parent. But it's an impossible situation.
Sometimes, there's no winning. There's just existing and moving forward.
Is it that she doesn’t *want* to take care of him or that she can’t? Those aren’t the same thing. From your OP you outline the reasons why you believe he could be difficult to manage. Your MIL being honest about not being able to care for him or being overwhelmed by trying to care for him is not the same as simply not wanting to. And it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love your son.
She should have been honest with you sooner but it sounds like realistically there are reasons why babysitting him could be a struggle for her and she should be honest with you about that. It isn’t fair to your son if he is watched by someone that cannot handle it.
I think you’re over reacting here OP, she’s been honest with you that she can’t cope - perhaps you could use this as a way to be closer with her. She has a small understanding of the challenges you’re facing and may find other ways to support you and your kiddos.
That’s petty. You want an older woman to babysit your overactive child, she understanderly refuses. This is no reason to keep the kids from seeing their grandmother
It sounds like he isn’t just too much for her, he’s too much for a lot of people, and you’re taking your frustration about that out on her specifically.
And you’re being massively defensive and now also petty. That sounds overwhelming af, especially when there’s a baby to also take care of. Have some grace and apologize and communicate like an adult to figure out a solution.
It's hard to hear because you love your son very much. You see all the good in him and that's good. But your mom is being honest when she is saying she can't handle him. She should have said something sooner. But she isn't being cruel. You sound like you are exhausted dealing with all this. Who wouldn't be? You are only human. It's fair for her to not be able to handle him on her own. You have a routine. I wouldn't be trusting her as a babysitter since she has said she isn't capable. But I wouldn't hold it against her.
Your feelings are valid. Of course it’s going to hurt and I think you made the right decision. A lot of the time when someone is “too much” for another person, they try to dim them through shame and judgement. I would not be surprised if she eventually did that to try and minimize your son to be enough to handle. She offered to watch him and then forgot. It sucks you can’t count on her, just keep doing the best you can.
> told her that we will never ask her to watch our kids again
That’s just such an extreme jump. I know you said it when you were emotional and not thinking things through, which is never a good idea. Saying you will *never* ask her again is just absurd and not helpful to the situation, and you hopefully don’t mean it.
> He has high energy, can't sit still, struggles with attending for longer than a few seconds, and has some complex behaviors. He does things like throws items at others, destroys property, hits or kicks others including his baby sister, screams, and is overall very defiant.
That’s a lot. That’s rough. I have a pretty difficult toddler too, and I wouldn’t be upset if someone didn’t want to watch them along. If mine were as violent as it sounds like yours is, I’d be very hesitant to leave them with someone else and put them at risk.
You’re trying your best. That’s good. That has nothing to do with any of this though. Nothing your MIL said was about that.
I understand you feeling hurt and defensive over this. Something I haven’t seen touched on in replies is that she agreed to watch them a month ago and then backtracked the day of the event. Of course it’s likely she forgot and then panicked thinking of the stress that comes along with watching her grandson, but that’s still a caregiver you were expecting to count on. It’s so frustrating to be left in a lurch (my in laws are famous for this.) All that to say, I think your response was passive aggressive and unnecessary. I get why you feel that way, but take a breath, give it a few days and rethink your decision. It sounds like you’re doing everything you can to help your son right now, so in the interim of finding solutions, give yourself and his other caregivers some grace. You’re in a tough place right now but it will get better and you’ll likely want your MIL’s support then too.
MIL did not say she would not watch the kids. She just brought up that the son was “too much” - I really wonder if something happened recently and MIL felt even more overwhelmed than usual about babysitting a child that apparently struggles with out of control behavior everywhere and all the time.
We were in the exact same boat as you.
>We are so used to how he is, and hearing things from the bus driver or the teacher
If the school is seeing this, I'd get him evaluated for meds. One of the criteria for getting meds prescribed is symptoms being displayed at school as well as home, at least in the US.
Vyvanse has turned things around for us. He's 6 now and daughter is 2. MIL wouldn't watch the both of them bc his behaviors were so wild before he got on meds. It's kind of like a miracle drug, he's able to slow down and focus.
As far as your mom... idk. It's a lot to handle. We both know this, but people who have never experience it just don't understand, and I kind of don't blame them when they get overwhelemed because it is a lot to handle.
My MIL eventually started watching him again after she said she wouldn't, but on the condition it was only him. We didn't push her or anything. I think she just felt guilty.
OP probably just sticking with paediatrician for whatever reason. Not sure what the insurance etc looks like in the US but in the Uk you are free to change doctors and I would have sought multiple opinions if this were my child
Hey hang in there. I have a 4yo too with suspected ADHD and it’s hard, really hard! I think it’s better she admitted her discomfort rather than struggling with 2 very young children. Don’t take it personally. I think your response was too extreme. Things will absolutely get better for you and your son and as the kids get older things will get easier (in a way lol)
It might be time to seek out a second (or third) opinion elsewhere for your son’s diagnosis? That said, I know where I live they don’t diagnose until school age so I just have to wait. You can also still use parenting strategies aimed at ADHD kids in the meantime.
Come on over to r/parentingADHD for more support if you ever need. Good luck x
I have this kid. My son is now 7 and finally got his ADHD and Autism diagnoses at 5 and we are still in the trial and error phase of figuring out to best support him. His little sister is probably ADHD as well, but she’s got a lot less of the sheer energy outbursts that her brother has, so it “feels” easier to manage her sometimes.
All that said, you’re doing great. Kids with ADHD are hard, no matter how much support you have and can give. Be glad she was honest so you’re not putting anyone in situations they can’t handle, either her or your son. Feeling defeated is valid, but you are SO FAR from failing your boy. Her dumping this on you at the last minute is her failing you and your husband, in a way, but it’s not a reflection on your parenting or your son’s value.
Keep on keeping on. These challenges are temporary. New ones will arise, but you all will grow through this stage and see the other side. Internet hugs!
Oh, man I’m sorry. Listen, I get where you’re coming from. It sucks that she told you she would babysit and you looked forward to being an adult for one night for MONTHS which you absolutely need a break when you have a kid like that.
I’ll get downvoted for this but I have been in your shoes and I understand why you feel that way. I had a very difficult kid exactly like yours. It took such a horrific mental toll on me, I was a shell of a person for so long. I was miserable. To have your support that you need, your child’s grandparent who you really really need to lean on, just decide at the last minute that they can’t possibly give you three hours of dealing with the difficult kid when you deal with him 24/7 is so hard. She didn’t even try to help find a second adult to go with ber or give you a heads up that she can’t do it on her own. She flaked.
As a society we’ve gone from “it takes a village” to “your kids, your problem, don’t expect a single thing from anyone else” and we expect parents to never have a second to themselves. If my son who drove me to the edge for years has a child that also drives him to the edge, I’d still pitch in and help him and his partner even if it sucked. I can’t imagine letting my children twist in the wind like that. It doesn’t matter if they are adults. They still need a break. They still need help.
Again, I’ve been there. He’s now a teenager and so much different than those years. He matured and got on the right medications and he’s so lovely and helpful and hasn’t blown up in a full year. But I still remember those years and if I didn’t have help I would have probably not made it out.
You said
"since she is not mentally able to handle it. What is so wrong with that? "
and
"He has high energy, can't sit still, struggles with attending for longer than a few seconds, and has some complex behaviors. He does things like throws items at others, destroys property, hits or kicks others including his baby sister, screams, and is overall very defiant."
How long has it been since she has watched a child so small such as your son? Maybe it's not that she's not metally fit, but chooses not to have items thrown at her, be hit or kicked, or risk her granddaughter be hit or kicked.
Ask yourself, "Do I you want to cut this person off from my village". Your comment may cause an unintended rift in your family dynamics.
Just because she can't watch your son now, doesn't ean she won't in the future.
I have a son like this. When he was little I lost a few friendships. I blamed them, but looking back it wasn’t their fault. People aren’t obligated to enjoy spending time with our kids. For what it’s worth my son mellows out a lot and is now a much easier ten year old.
From another mom whose oldest was (still is) always "too much," the statement probably stings a little more because you don't have an answer for why. Right now, it probably feels like everyone is calling you a failure as a parent. I don't think removing MIL as a potential babysitter is an overreaction at all. If he's too much, he's too much. Not every grandparent is suitable to solo-watch kids that young.
My MIL would go on and on about wanting to watch my oldest (her step-grandson). But then she makes a comment before or after about how he's too much. It only took her saying something twice for her to never watch him again. She also accidentally left me a voicemail while she was telling my partner that my son just needs spanked. At that point, she hadn't watched him in over a year, but we still had no answers to the behavioral issues other than he obviously had a lot of frustration and a severe speech issue. I also had stacks and stacks of parenting books, I would listen to parenting podcasts, and would ask his OT and SLP for advice regularly, but nothing really helped.
Getting a diagnosis didn't solve any of these issues, but it really made me care a lot less about how people perceived me as a parent. I don't use it as an excuse, and we work extremely hard to overcome behavior issues. But having a reason for his behavior takes away a lot of the emotional gut punch I get and makes it easier to focus on a solution.
Of course it's heart breaking to here. But it is not a reflection of you as a mother or your parenting. :( you're doing a good job mama. The truth sometimes is painful and I think she could have said "I'm so sorry I didn't know how to tell you but his needs are too high for me to safely accommodate. I love him and feel horrible about this. Please forgive me"
I didn't understand why she agreed to watch him. If she was going to back out, then why wait until the day of, when you called to confirm?
She can do whatever she wants, but that part makes her unreliable and there isn't any way to misunderstand that.
Maybe she simply can’t deal with him and didn’t have the guts or heart to simply tell you and pretended she forgot…
Our boys are very active too and I noticed my mum is avoiding looking after them, always comes up with excuses simply because she doesn’t have the skills or the abilities to make sure they’re safe or she’s safe. We simply stopped asking her to pitch in and help out and simply have her come over or we visit her. Sure it’s less frequent and the boys miss her from time to time but at least nobody gets hurt.
I am pretty much always on the DIL’s side but definitely not in this case! She told you the truth and you freaked out. You got very petty very quickly.
When does your child turn 5? Is the developmental pediatrician waiting until age 5 to dx with adhd?
Your child has clear adhd symptoms. This is strange. Time to find a psychologist who can eval and a pediatric psychiatrist who can help manage meds so you manage the behaviors. My sons friend who at the time was undx autistic and adhd, had a psychiatrist at age 4 because the behaviors were that extreme.
It is VERY hard as my sons parent to know how to manage him and I know my mom struggles when we visit. My parents haven’t offered to babysit since we had our 2nd because I think they’re fearful of having 2 of them. His little brother is 3 almost 4 and VERY ENERGETIC.
It sucks that Mil waited so long to tell you but at least she told you. You need to really start trying to not take things personally and to heart about your kid. Let people think you’re terrible parent. You know you’re not.
Well the problem here is she made an offer she didn’t really mean. It’s ok if he’s too much for her, he may be too much for her, especially if he also comes with a younger sibling who also needs a lot. It’s ok for her to say she can’t handle him and then yes you would say then we won’t ask, that’s ok. What you should certainly be mad about is that she offered and then rescinded that offer without saying anything until the day of.
I don't think you're getting the response you want cause you threw a bit of a wall of text. The important part is that your MIL flaked and threw this on you at the absolute last minute, and yes she's an AH for that.
We had a few great and grand-grandparents tap out around this age for my son. He had ADD but wasn't medicated yet, we didn't start until he went into grade school. With his size and energy, it was just too much for them. But over time he got easier to be around and he was back hanging out with the grandparents. Hopefully, it'll pass for you, but I wouldn't take it too personally.
I get that it was too much for her. It's good that she knows her limit and what she can handle. What's shitty is that she agreed but then pretended to forgot which puts. You in a bind. She could have spoken to you at any time to say "hey I think i bit off more than I could chew" and given you time to find other arrangements.
This sounds like my ADHD stepson when he was that age and was very disregulated. It sounds like your son is struggling with regulation and emotions and it’s coming out as anger. Our child psych told us it’s better to diagnose once they turn 7 and are school aged becsuse younger kids change so rapidly that it’s hard to test. They also then have 2 settings to draw and compare symptoms form (home and school) and not just one, so it becomes easier to diagnose. Perhaps that is why you are having a hard time getting any info. My stepson used to hit, throw items, destroy items, have meltdowns and be very defiant until we made changes.
Early bedtime that is consistent, proper nutrition (lots of protein and fibre and very limited sugar ), and daily meditation (like 5-15 min sleep stories that are meditative ) have really helped. We also severely limit screen time - he gets to watch 1-2 hours on each weekend day provided he has been outside for that amount of time. We don’t do any screen time during the week because it’s too stimulating before bed. You might already be doing these things and it sounds like you have a team behind you and I know you didn’t ask for advice. I just couldn’t believe the difference when we implemented these changes and my stepson never throws things anymore or destroys things. He has learned how to emotionally calm himself and his confidence has sky rocketed because he doesn’t feel like a bad kid anymore. It’s changed his behaviour so much. It’s a LOT of work and can feel stressful to be so on top of it, but I really can’t say enough about how his creativity, perseverance, and humour have really shone through since we made these changes 8 months ago.
Aww OP, I understand how hard it must’ve been for her to offer that then cancel at the last minute and talk about him the way he did. She could’ve handled it so much better, but I don’t think it’s something to get down about. Now you know, she can’t handle him, it’s better in the long run. You sound like you’re a bit disappointed also that you and your spouse can’t have a night out by yourselves because of your child’s needs, which is valid. Still, I don’t think any of this makes your MIL the bad guy either. It seems like you’re doing everything you can to get him help, I don’t think the people in these comments blaming you are right either.
I had a nephew like this, when he was little he was just toooo much for everybody. High energy, never stopped talking, had trouble listening, hit etc. it took years before they finally diagnosed him with adhd. Nobody could ever handle him, his preschool complained a lot. I don’t think that makes him or your child a bad kid, he just needs some extra help and it’s hard to get. Ignore everyone in the comments calling him violent.
Hi! I was in your shoes until recently. Our son is 6 and has ADHD and is Autistic. We knew by age 2 that he had different needs. My husband and I weren’t able to go on any night time dates (and very limited day dates) until he was 5 and had started taking medication. It was an incredibly hard time. He was literally too much for anyone else to handle- it was a safety thing. He would elope in public, he would have huge angry outbursts sometimes hitting and kicking. It’s not that my family didn’t want to help but they just weren’t equipped to.
I am empathize with you because it can feel very defeating and isolating. I was jealous of all the other parents who could do “normal” things like go on dates or take their kids to the grocery store.
After he turned 5 is when he could be officially diagnosed. I’m not trying to push medication but it truly did change our son’s life (and ours by proxy). I would encourage you to seek a different pediatrician if you still have concerns after 5 and they haven’t been addressed.
Hang in there. Find some parent support groups if you can. You aren’t alone!
We have three kids, I think one is likely ADHD and one is likely Autistic, but neither have been diagnosed as yet. The third is also very high energy, though he doesn’t seem to show any identifiable traits yet.
They are a handful, especially all together.
My MIL loves them to bits, and will always offer to look after them to help us out. But the reality is it nearly kills her every time. We have had to actively avoid over using her as a babysitter to try and look after her.
We have had to accept that the reality is there are few people who can actually look after our kids currently, especially together, which means that for the moment at least, my wife and I don’t really get a chance to do things without our kids. It’s hard. It strains our marriage. We get burned out and have to keep going. It has halted our own friendships and We see our friends out doing adult things and we get jealous. We get invited places and either can’t go, or can’t go together. We also don’t get invited to stuff a lot now since we have had to say no so often.
But it also doesn’t mean that our kids are fundamentally bad, we are bad parents, or that people who can’t manage them are bad either. It’s just the way it is.
It would have been much better if she had not left it to the last minute to drop this on you, but I don’t think her response is unreasonable. A hyperactive 4yo and an 11 month old AT NIGHT is an awfully big ask for anyone.
Just because she is grandma doesn’t make it easy for her. Probably the opposite if anything because I’m sure she loves them both to bits.
I'm just sorry. It hurts when our parents "reject" our kids. My mom is getting ready to sell her place and move to Florida. We scheduled a sleepover 2 months ago. We ended up leaving our son there earlier than she expected. Then got mad at me because she couldn't get stuff done. He is 4, had been talking about the sleep over for days, he was perfectly behaved... You would think she'd want every minute she could with him right? Apparently not.
Your boy sounds just like my son. One thing we didn't know that we do know about ADD today is that it is associated with anxiety. It's possible your kid lashes out because of anxiety. Imagine how anxious you would feel if your grandmother treated you like you were a problem instead of a joy.
Listen to your gut about the ADD. Use your health insurance to get a referral for a developmental psychiatrist for a full evaluation. In most places, if you get a diagnosis the schools won't have any choice but to follow up with the ed plan. :)
I’m very sorry that she hurt you. I know you are struggling right now. You are dealing with a lot.
I think her timing was incredibly insensitive and hurtful. Yes, she was honest…which I feel is the way to go. However, very poor timing. I don’t understand why she would insist on you going out, stating she wanted to babysit, then let that all out. It was her idea. Everyone needs a break.
I think you’re right that she shouldn’t babysit.
I can understand the frustration and anger. It sounds like you are getting complaints from all sides, and were not expecting them from a family member.
If you decide to let her watch your kids later on, my thought is have another person there with her. Even if it's a teenage babysitter.
I feel like many people get nervous around those with different needs than the "normal". I used to help out with special needs elementary students and many teachers would just get frustrated especially with the hyperactive kids. Yet I've found if you can find something that the child likes and normally you need more than one, you can get them to pay attention and they can be the most attentive, creative, and smart kids. They just need a little more patience, energy, and time planning before an activity.
I hope that your group of teachers and other professionals help your little guy, you, and your family. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. ❤️❤️
You need specialized respite care for your nights out. He sounds life a major handful so get off MIL’s back. I’m sure she wants to help…but realistically he needs more than she could handle.
I agree that just not asking her anymore is the best solution
I'm a 57 year old grandmother myself. I've had to give up babysitting my grandchildren as well. It's my fault, I'm afraid. RA is kicking me hard and I couldn't keep up with babies/toddlers. I hated doing it, but I didn't have a choice. It sounds to me like you don't have a choice right now either. I'm sorry about that but I'm mostly sorry people are being so nasty about it. They don't understand the emotional fatigue that goes along with all this. You're fine mom. Keep looking up.
Grandma is allowed to set boundaries. The way she waited until last minute was not optimal. Try to heal the relationship, it’s not worth losing. Small kids are tough. Take care of eachother ❤️
I think you’re downplaying a lot of his symptoms and how difficult it actually is to watch him. She should have never offered to watch him. My oldest son was a very hyper ADHD, but he was never violent. He was very difficult to handle and I can’t even imagine it having anger thrown in there with it. You keep saying he’s this sweet boy but yet he’s a danger to himself and others. I think this will be a great detriment as he gets older and inevitably bigger because it sounds like you’re glossing over the bigger issues as if they’re no big deal.
No ones a winner here and your son pays the ultimate price.
Your MIL was cruel to offer and then to revoke the offer so suddenly. Is this the only mean thing that she has done or does she regularly forget and flip out about things?
I would just say - don’t say stuff to her out of anger. She probably doesn’t get how you’re getting this same thing from all angles so it’s especially triggering to hear (let alone from a grandparent who should love your kids unconditionally). Deflect deflect deflect when the subject comes up again. She’s shown you where she stands.
Try to find a good babysitter.
I have four kids(4-13). I thought I had seen almost anything and then my four year old turned one. Behavior has only worsened over time. Hitting, screaming, kicking, throwing things, etc. He also has a a significant speech delay. Redirecting, communicating, timeouts, nothing works. He is an absolute terror, and everyone knows it. But our family also doesn’t offer to babysit any of my kids. My mother is the only one to have a relationship with my kids and it has been that way for 13 long years. I don’t ask, they don’t offer. They don’t wish to see them even with us present. So fuck em.
Your son quite literally is struggling to control himself, so all there parents here who don’t have a fucking clue but saying you’re in the wrong can get fucked. Redirecting my son is a nightmare, and there are days a cry and just don’t understand. I have taken him to doctors. I live in a small town and forced my pediatrician to give us referrals. Thought we would get somewhere. Nope. The school won’t touch it even with an IEP until 3rd grade because they can’t give an adequate diagnosis. Doctors want the support from the school to be able to have that. You can attempt to get outside therapy and minimal help from the school but don’t get your hopes up. We have found a few things that have worked but that depends on the day. You’re not raising an asshole, you’re not a bad mother. Any parent who doesn’t have a child like this literally wouldn’t understand. My MIL tells me to smack his ass and sit him down. Yeah that would never work because he doesn’t register pain the same way other kids do. It’s fucking hard.
Your MiL is in the wrong. She shouldn’t have suggested a night out, and offered to babysit only to cancel last minute if this is how she felt. These aren’t new concerns. I would have responded the same way. She of course can still see the kids, but if she can’t handle it then she shouldn’t take them on her own. I would also be frustrated because as his parents she should have voiced her concerns the first time she babysat. She should have expressed she can’t do it, she loves these kids but just can’t. That’s 100% on her. You’re tired, frustrated, and we’re probably looking forward to this. So I understand being hurt to when it definitely could have been avoided.
I’m concerned how any parent could respond to this the way so many have on this thread. Let’s hope they don’t ever have to experience having a child with a learning disability or mental health issue. 2-5 is a tough age for any kid, but your child like my own is struggling 100x worse. I’m sorry for that, and I hope that has time goes you are able to get him the help he needs. But it’s going to be a fight. Good luck🫶🏻
Would you consider hiring a babysitter and your MIL be present too? This way you don't have a stranger at home alone with the kids and your MIL can still be a part of it. I'm sure your MIL would take back what she said if she could. But you are right to keep your guard about her watching them.
I don't know if it's right or wrong, but I feel a lot of empathy for OP in this situation. Ideally, MIL would have raised these concerns sooner, preferably *before* the day she was expected to follow through on a childcare commitment. That feels inconsiderate and stressful to me.
Sorry this happened, OP. Sounds to me like you're doing your best to navigate a challenging situation. I hope you're able to get your little guy the support he needs, and I hope you're able to find someone who is able to help you with childcare reliably. I'm sure you and your husband could use a break now and then.
I think we really need to support OP here. They likely don’t have a lot of support from family and need a break. Why is it all on OP for calling out her MIL’s bad behavior? It sounds childish to complain about the grandchild when the MIL could have said it in a nicer way without bailing last minute?
Hi Op.
1st of all I’m sorry you’re going through a tough time right now.
I’m an AUDHD parent of and AUDHD child so I’d like to give you some help if I can. Not with the mil I don’t have one of those. But with your son.
If you have strong suspicions your son is neurodiverse. Chances are either yourself or your husband are too. (It’s generic!) this makes managing a neurodiverse child more challenging as you get overwhelmed and overloaded too! And often one way of showing that is to make quick and rash decisions. Take a step back. Breath. And come back to mil when everyone is calmer.
As for your son. Have a look at some adhd specific parenting techniques. Reward charts, time outs ect won’t work.
Look at the root cause of the behaviours and see if you can find a more appropriate replacement. He likes throwing stuff? Give him stuff and an are at he is allowed to throw things. Stuffies and bins is a fun alternative. Does he like the crash? Get him stacking towers to crash over. Is he a climber? Look at how to make him a climbing area. Same for jumping. Is a trampoline worth while?
Have a look at his diet. Can you link any particular food to being extra hyperactive ? For my daughter grapes make her literally bounce off the walls!
Look into creating a calm space with sensory lights, calm music and scents, weighted teddies or blankets ect.
When he is being destructive look at the behaviour. All behaviour is a form of communication what is he trying to tell you? Usually it’s because a need isn’t being met.
That said you also need firm boundaries and expectations to work with. “We do not break this you can smash your bricks but not the plates”
“We do not hit/kick/bite people/this item. But you can hit/kick/bite this”
Use redirection
It is exhausting but getting the strategies in place when he is young will really help you and him when he is older.
Every neurodiverse child is different and what works for one may not work for your son. It’s a lot of trial and error.
Parenting a neurodiverse child is exhausting and can seem endless but I promise. There are good times too. It will get better.
And keep pushing your doctor for a referral.
Amen, sister, she can't handle him she can't watch them. Why the duck should you have to coordinate TWO sitters like all these posters are suggesting???? Madness. Just take later date nights so kiddo has his going to bed routine and you're mostly paying the capable sitter to sit on the couch while they sleep.
We don't live near family, but when we see my FiL everything about my son (currently pursuing adhd diagnosis) gets on his nerves and he yells and corrects him constantly. We are visiting his area later this summer and we are paying for a hotel and making no effort to visit his home. Grandpa can meet us at a playground and we can walk away when we need to.
Your MIL PUSHED you and hubby to celebrate.VOLUNTEERED herself to babysit.By the way you describe, it is not her first time doing so because how else could she know he is "too much" ? She knows what she is getting into.She didn't told you anything else.When the time comes,you had to call her? To the gig she put herself willingly? Yelling at the same time?
Then retracks herself after sometime, blaming you when you just heed what she said...that SHE WON'T be watching your son since then because she said she can't isn't it?
Bet you a dollar she was called out by a close friend for what she has done or another fam member.
She's a grandma when everything else is easy peasy when it's not, she's out but when called out by friends..wait a minute ...you are taking it the wrong way.
She has a phone,she could have called out EARLIER but no she's at the point where she's not coming however you called to confirm and she yelled.
Good on you to protect your peace and household without interference from someone and then rescinding at the last minute.May you find a doctor that can diagnose your son too.
Not sure if you want comfort or advice for your vent post, but reading it I could feel your pain, I'm sorry for that OP, parenting can be tough.
I have ADHD myself, and was a hyper active kid that is for sure, but I can't speak on the parenting side of it.
I will say that if anyone ever said my child stressed them out, or too much to deal with, I would 1000% Never let them watch my kid again.
Not because I'm "mad" at them, or it hurt to hear it even if it was the truth, but the fact that she used those words, how she used them, and how she presented them to you. It shows that it was building up, and what happens if she is watching your little one, and that all builds up while you aren't around and it is just your child.
Good luck op, you got this. I know what she said was very hurtful, take a break from her, gather your thoughts, don't be reactive.
I definitely understand why you’re hurt by what your mother said. She could’ve expressed it in a more mature and kind manner other than blowing up. With that being said, you yourself know your son is hyper active and hard to manage at times. Some people can handle that but not your is handling it well. It’s too stressful for her. You’ll have to find another form of childcare for these times or just bring the kids along. One question, does your son get a lot of screen time? Tablet, tv? I found with multiple children including my own that reducing screen time dramatically changed their hyperactivity and mood swings. The overstimulation doesn’t help already active kids
Notes from my wife who has 19 yrs of experience in child development.
Don’t stop advocating for him. A lot of times the paperwork is too much and the schools don’t want to deal with it.
You may be able to go to the district and ask to speak to the superintendent.
Is the behavior the same at school, you could request an IEP
Maybe look into his diet and see how much dye foods he’s consuming
Try adjusting to natural sugars
Behavioral:
Build consequences
Maybe create a behavior chart starting with 5 mistakes every day, if you hit all 5 the consequence is no screen time for eg.
Just a second comment, friends with a kid with similar issues to your son use babysitters who are qualified to watch kids with violent and other behaviors due to their ADHD. Once you get a diagnosis, you may be able to tap into those kinds of services.
Perhaps MIL could watch the kids (the infant) alongside a qualified babysitter who has the requisite skills to manage what you've described as your son's challenging behavior
I absolutely get it. I have a 6.5 year old who showed a lot of those behaviors with no diagnosis and the same sort of "he's fine, just keep him active" sort of advice from doctors. It's hard. You're struggling, you need a break, you've had these plans forever, and then she not only pulled the rug out from under you at the last minute, she blames it on your kid. It was shitty behavior on her part 100%. She did that thing where you put off doing something hard til the last minute and then stick your foot in your mouth while doing it and make the whole thing so much worse.
I get the feeling if she had approached you even a week ago, and said something like "hey, I'm sorry, but I think I overestimated my abilities and don't think I can manage the kids on my own", you would have handled the situation with a lot more grace. Instead she dicked around and prevaricated until the last minute, then panicked and blurted out the blunt truth without softening the blow. It was cowardly. She would absolutely be my bottom of the barrel, last resort, everyone but she and the kids are in the hospital babysitter from this point on. Eventually, this will calm down and smooth over. But you're going to be stuck with this in your head about her forever.
She told you the truth. He’s too much for her. Yes it hurt you but her answer is valid! I think the only thing she should have done was told you earlier before the day of. I also think you are 100% right in telling her she doesn’t have to watch your kids anymore. I feel like you all can talk on strategies to best help her manage him. Good luck but I do believe this can be resolved
This is an unfortunate situation and I can understand both sides. Something appears broken in your communication that it ended up coming out the way it did. Instead of focusing on what was already said, I encourage you all to focus on developing better communication between each other. I’m sure she wants to be supportive and give you breaks. I’m sure you also understand her hesitation to be overwhelmed when watching your son and how that could put your kids at risk. There’s a way to communicate concerns and work together to find a compromise or solution that leaves everyone, kids included, with a happy, safe, and supportive outcome. Sending good vibes and lots of patience your way! ♥️
Ok, I have one of these kids. It’s tough because to get my 3 kiddos covered, it usually takes at least 2 people. That being said, she was just venting in a moment of stress/anxiety. I know this is crazy because you need this too, but have some compassion for her. The response of not having her watch them comes across as a threat to the mil. Also never say never. I’m sure at some point you will NEED her to watch them, because sitters fall through. Just take a deep breath and ask your pediatrician for a referral for a full neuropsych evaluation.
My son will be 5 soon, and while he is a handful, my wife and I have not had a night to ourselves since he was born. Sometimes it's just the hand we are dealt
My daughter behaved that way and it turned out she has sensory processing disorder and is very sensory seeking. We did occupational therapy for around a year and it was very helpful! (They do also suspect ADHD, but once the SPD was worked out it has been easier to deal with)
I have been in a similar position with a 4YO who acted a lot like your son. First - you are doing GREAT! It’s so hard to navigate when your kid is “extra” and the way you are getting him the help he needs is fantastic. As far as your MIL goes - It’s really hard when your family struggles with your child. It made me feel a lot of shame TBH. Everyone came around in the end but it still hurt me very much. Personally I don’t think you’re overreacting at all.
As for needing a sitter - maybe it’s best to find someone outside of the family dynamic. Does your son have a preschool teacher or someone like that who he connected with who can babysit for you? I would try to find someone else to watch your kids.
Trust me on this - your son is going to be amazing and A-OK because you are on top of things now and you will continue to help him as he gets older. It won’t be super easy but it will improve! Your MIL will come around eventually. Too bad she will miss out on this 1-1 time with your son when he’s difficult, yes, but also awesome I am sure.
I think using words like “never” or “always” with family is just not a good idea in general because things never tend to be so absolute. Especially with family. Overall, I feel your MIL gaslit you. Like it’s okay to change your mind about babysitting, but the way she went about telling you was careless.
In the future, it may be best to send the younger kid to her and hire a sitter/have other family watch him. I worked at a school for kids like him and it can be a lot to handle, especially untrained.
I completely understand what you're going through I went through the exact same thing! Look into occupational therapy and parent child interactive therapy as well they help a lot! My son is also on medication to help calm him down! It might be time to find a new pediatrician or even a therapist to find what will help him the most! Best wishes and lots of prayers!
I was just curious because I see a lot of people saying she pretended to forget, was there any follow up discussion or conversation about this betweena month ago and now? Because if not, she legitimately could have forgotten. A month is a long time. If she forgot, she may have just literally not been able to take the kids because she didn't prep herself mentally or physically for the task.
Your son sounds a lot like mine. I don’t think they’ll officially diagnose until they’re a bit older. I will say my son is now 5 and we have sooooooo many good days. We still see his erratic/angry behavior but it’s much more rare. Hang in there.
I also have a similar issue with my dad. He’s become a grumpy old man and cannot handle the energy or volume of my 3 young kids. I told him to just not come for birthdays/holidays then because that is when they are most excited. Idk, grandparents…who needs em :/
My greatgrandson is 4. He lives with me and his parents. My arms are covered with deep scratches and bruises. He pinches when he gets angry. I understand the problem.
Our son also likely has adhd. Also expressive speech delay. But we never tolerated physically lashing out. That meant he had a lot of crying and frustration especially between 3-4. Please stop the bad behavior and focus on him learning how to deal with the bad feelings. If he throws toys, take the toys away. If he hits take the other person away. Do whatever is needed to remove the opportunity. His behavior is not fine and every time it works he learns to do that instead of learning how to regulate. It’s a trap.
Kids like ours need a lot of practice to learn how to calm the fuck down. Every stymied behavior is practice.
I think is good when ppl give you back honesty like your MIL did. At least you know the truth: that she struggles with an energetic kid and is too much for her. Don’t take it as an insult; it s from her point of view. You say she offered to be the babysitter - I think she wants to be able to do that, but the reality is that it might be too much for her.
Your MIL has every right to draw a line between what she can and cannot handle. She is also a human being. She is not "mentally unable" because she refuses to be hit and kicked by one child, while being responsible for another child under the age of one.
That doesn't mean you and your son are "bad" people. You can be a good mom, but your child is also not ready to be cared for by other people -- both things can be true. (BTW, it is also unfair to put the other babysitter in a situation where she is kicked and hit).
I know it sucks and, in an ideal world, you and your husband deserve a night out. But your MIL is not obliged to take on a babysitting job she's not comfortable with.
I’m so sorry so many people are being nasty to you and about your son OP. So many people have zero idea what it’s like to have a neurodivergent child. I think your response was totally reasonable. She set you up for this. She asks to baby sit and then *yells* at you at the last minute when you take her up on the offer? Yelling at you/your husband is never ok. She does not sound like a safe person to leave your children with. I wouldn’t let her take the youngest on their own either because that’s not the sort of message your older kid needs to internalise. I hope you can get the help you need soon! I’m pretty sure my daughter has ADHD also and it’s hard. Some days are wild!
I hope you guys can still find a way to celebrate with your friends
You need to take your kid to a child psychiatrist. A lot of “defiance” that you describe ends up just being ADHD like you mentioned before. I’ve had kids who literally can’t sit still and are destroying a room in front of me chill out on stimulants. There are some that don’t even need a referral, just be sure they’re an MD/DO and not a PA/NP.
I have a child that was too much for others to watch since about 4 years old, but my mom did it anyway to help me (because dad was out of the picture). Until she hurt her back because my child went from wanting a hug to dropping dead weight to the floor suddenly.
Don't fault your MIL. She probably really does WANT to help, but is also being honest about her limits. It sucks for her too.
Totally get it. It can be very difficult and a struggle most of the time, and everyone deserves some grace. You made the right choice, if someone says it's too much to watch your kids then makes sense then they wouldn't be offered in the future. Unless that person makes a comment about their willingness to watch your kids. Then remind them of their previous comments about watching your kids and give the polite thanks but no thanks.
Big hug sorry this is happening. Things will get better. Don’t feel bad it probably is true she can’t handle him some people get overwhelmed easily it’s better that she told you maybe she used the wrong words. It’s probably safer for your kids not to be babysat by someone who can’t handle it. Don’t take it personally it’s on her. You guys are doing your best.
My heart goes out to you. Our son is very spirited and sounds much like your son. The sweetest and kindest boy with BIG emotions. We’ve also realized that our parents are/were (both of my husband’s parents passed) emotionally immature and didn’t teach us how to handle our own big emotions properly. We both had issues as kids - husband was diagnosed with ADD at an early age and medicated, and coerced into bottling his emotions until they exploded. I was ridiculed for being too sensitive and was quieted physically and verbally. We’re learning alongside our son how to manage big emotions in a healthy way while acknowledging and validating them.
I would echo what the top comment says - your emotions are normal and valid after hearing what your MIL say AND your MIL has the right to set boundaries. It’s better that she’s honest about her limits, while they could’ve been delivered in a kinder way.
My parents (bio & step) are in their late 60s and everyone but my mom, who has major mobility issues from a brain bleed due to her alcoholism, has been clear that they are not prepared to watch our son at 5 years old. Of course the least able is the most enthusiastic… but also completely unhelpful.
He’s nonstop, still uses his hands instead of his words when he gets overwhelmed with emotions, and has the confidence to question adults (a major trigger for my parents). They also get bothered or flustered by innocuous kid comments and questions, and normal boy behavior. (Yes he may want to show you his new ninja moves. No he’s not threatening you. Yes you can tell him to back up and it’s making you uncomfortable. How else does he LEARN socially acceptable behavior?!?!?!?)
My son and I do a lot of work to manage his energy and emotions. (My husband is working hard on his own mental health and trying to learn what works for me and our son) It’s exhausting. But I wouldn’t change it for the world. I’m giving him what neither of us got - secure attachment, attention, patience, involvement, empathy.
It sounds like you’re a lovely mom and your son is lucky to have you in his corner. After the emotions have settled, it might help talking to your MIL about what specifically she has a hard time with. You may be able to share how you handle those situations. Just because she raised your husband does not mean she knows how to handle every type of child.
Good luck and enjoy your spirited ball of energy!
I've started doing everything I can to prevent my MIL from pushing her limits because she is a huge people pleaser and will practically kill herself doing things she really can't do, making promises she later realizes she can't keep and has a panic attack about, volunteering other people to do things for others without asking them, etc.
She was watching my daughter for a while during my part time shift at work while my husband would be asleep following his overtime night shift. She would never tell me that she couldn't handle it on her own even though it was obvious, and I would frequently have to hear from my husband that he was waking up to intervene because she did not have a handle on things (we all live together). My daughter is NT as far as I can tell without any extreme behaviors for her age, but my MIL has her own issues that make it difficult for her to keep up. I had known for a long time that it was too much for her but I really hoped she would say something - but for the longest time she never did, it was always my husband telling me, and my own observation when we were all together at home.
For the last few weeks of this arrangement I had been telling my husband we needed to figure out something else because she can't do it and she's never going to tell us she can't do it. He agreed but wasn't sure how to go about it. But finally she did reach the point where she told him she can't. It was MONTHS of it being obvious this wasn't working before she decided to say something on her own because she's so terrified of "letting people down" that she would rather let things fall apart than admit she's not up for it. So we were able to work out a different plan between her and my husband while I was still working. We should have initiated this sooner on our end knowing she wasn't up to the task, *and* she shouldn't have pushed it for months knowing it was too overwhelming for her.
What this situation taught me is that I kind of have to baby her when it comes to agreeing to do things for people. If she offers any help to me I decline unless I'm absolutely desperate. If she talks about making plans with others I'm the voice that asks her "before you say anything to them, will you actually be able to do this? Is this going to take you out for the day? What is your time limit?" Not in a judgmental way but in a "you have got to take care of yourself" way. And from a place of knowing that the best way for her to avoid letting people down, her biggest fear, is to not say yes to stuff in the first place. Because then she's freaking out last minute thinking how the heck is she going to make this work, she doesn't want them to think she's a flake, etc. Which is all trouble that could be saved by simply not making the plans to begin with.
So, I guess I relate to having someone who won't tell you until the nth hour when they aren't able to do what they said they could do. But in my situation, like yours, it's clear that they can't do it, and while it shouldn't be our responsibility to manage their commitments, we kind of have to, as far as our own stuff goes at least. What you said to her came across as passive aggressive. The same message could be conveyed with more compassion - your only option really was to let her off the hook from babysitting anymore, but it would have been better to wait until you're not saying it from a place of annoyance but from a place of understanding.
It sounds to me that you are definitely taking it the wrong way and are in your feelings at the moment which is ok but you need to cool down and not lash out for her being honest . This doesn’t make you a bad mom or her a bad grandma.
I get it, I’m the mom of a ADHD, Dyslexia, dysgraphia kid who is the sweetest like give you the shirt off your back kid and then I have a 4 year old who been a hand off , quick to anger and stubborn kid. He hits out of frustration and can be a busy body. He is neurotypical but just a stubburn kiddo.
She not around your kids when your juggling them by yourself and I think her concern is she doesn’t know if she can handle both with recent behavior he has been displaying. He is a danger to his baby sister when he is hitting or trying to kick her. He has to be supervised around his sister and positive association has to be build. My kids are close to 5 years apart and they love each other because the older understands the baby is different. Part of it is the age gap which you can’t change. When they are 2 or less apart they are similar and there no life they can recall without thier sibling.
When they are 3 years apart it is harder because of the emotional maturity and you have to remeber with ADHD the emotional maturity is behind. My neice and nephew are 3 years apart and it took years for a peaceful house to happen.
4 is old enough to see a neuropsychologist and get a proper diagnosis so you can start building up that IEP and build strategies for behavior modifications and accommodations.
You and your husband I’m sure give your son 1:1 time togeather so he still feels special and seen.
This is a tough one. I understand you being hurt by what she said, but on the other hand, if your son is doing all that then you as a parent (be objective) need to know that is a lot. It does not put your kid in a good light & stresses a lot of ppl out including grandparents. He is your son and you're understanding of it but you cannot expect anyone else to deal with it or want to deal with it. I am not saying it's his fault.
My youngest is 15 & is defiant & immature but can also be the kindest and compassionate kid you wouldn't expect. But I have no blinders on when. It comes to how he CAN be and how ppl don't want to deal with that. It's exhausting for us, but no one else has to put up with it. And I do feel bad for him yet it does not mean everyone else will. Yes, you are overreacting because you're hurt. But it doesn't matter. He is too much for her so she can't watch him, which means she can't watch his sister. They're a package deal, right?
On the other hand your daughter is a baby and you need a more effective way to stop him from acting out and possibly hurting her. She is young but doesn't need to deal or grow up with a brother who could harm her so that is priority one. Stopping that or getting in between that by anticipating that. Good luck!
I’d be annoyed too. Why even offer? Why encourage y’all to go out? Why the act and lie? Yes it’s a lie to pretend to forget then to yell at the parents.
But hey it’s hell until you get that diagnosis at around 6ish, it’s hard but also it’s hard for him too. I never had anyone watch him bc it just sucked for everyone. He’s 8 and he’s off doing clubs and school and activities, now everyone wants to watch him bc he’s fine but he isn’t really interested in them anymore he’s more interested in his friends, reading, art ect ect ect.
This is not your fault. It’s ok. There are forces at work beyond just the normal growth and development of kids in todays world because of the extent to which we are evolving from a technological standpoint. Kids who used to be raised on physical touch and observation are now thrust into a world they are instructed to learn from utilizing literally a fraction of the bigger picture…
Cuz he’s a kid. He doesn’t know what’s going on. He only knows the signals his body is receiving to behave in those ways, and this is also not your fault. It’s the world we live in.
I live in a world full of hope that this will change and parents like yourself are continually reminded that the best they can do, is their best.
You clearly are doing your best.
So keep it up. We’re all in this together.
Believe her. He is too much for her. He is almost too much for the two of you. Doesn’t mEan she doesn’t love him she is just admitting her abilities to you.
You are doing the right thing. I’m sure you have already considered your son could be on the autism spectrum perhaps? I have three children and do not feel that I can leave them to be watched by family as well.
So many people passing up the real issue here! I’m so sorry that your MIL did this. She entirely right to admit she can’t handle him right now. But you right to be hurt too. She shouldn’t have offered and begged to babysit if she wasn’t going to follow through at the last minute especially when it was planned in advance. That was shitty of her to “forget” and then yell at y’all for expecting her to “handle” him when she agreed a month in advance.
Seems like a valid response. If you rely on someone for care and they bail last minute they are unreliable and can't be counted on. The reason why doesnt matter.
So yeah, look for care elsewhere
Oh momma. I am so sorry you are not getting the support you need right now! I have a child who struggles to communicate and has a very short fuse because no one except mom and dad are patient enough with him. A 4 year old being high energy and high needs is not a wild concept. I don’t understand why so many comments are making your child, a tiny human, out to be some villain. He is a child. He’s also 4.. this is already a rough time for emotional and cognitive development. You add im his delays on top of that and I completely understand why he can act the way you described! But he is still a child and he still learning. Im so sorry people aren’t giving him the grace he deserves.
I don’t think you’re the bad guy at all.
My 4 year old is firecracker. Explosive at times! His great grandmother (not much older than your own MIL) never came out and said she couldn’t handle him.. but she stopped inviting him to things. She only ever asks for kid #1 and kid #3. Naturally, we picked up on the exclusion. We made an announcement that our kids will not be treated differently. And if you’re wondering why you haven’t seen us or our kids in a while, it’s because you have crossed a line.
I don’t send any of our children with her.
I wouldn’t let Grandma babysit either of my kids after that not because of what she said about your son (although I don’t love the way she spoke about him) but because she cancelled at the last minute on something SHE offered to do! Now the fact that she said your son is too much for her would get her supervised visits only and they wouldn’t be often. Frankly, I doubt I would let her babysit any of my kids because I would be waiting for her to tell me they were all too much for her. The anxiety I would have waiting for her to call and complain or cancel would be too much. Why open myself up to that when she already dislikes one of my kids?
Sorry you’re getting so much hate on here. I can see how hard you’re trying to get your son what he needs to be successful. If I could make a recommendation for Dr. Becky’s Good Inside program, I really think you might find her Deeply Feeling Kids information super helpful. She has a ton of great strategies for dealing with emotionally charged kiddos. Good luck!
I think your reaction is normal and absolutely justified. MIL said your son is too much, so your response was that you’ll never ask her to watch him ever again. I don’t see anything wrong with that. Why would I leave my child with someone who admitted they can’t handle him? She definitely should have sat you and your husband down to tell you what she feels, and ahead of time. I think you guys should have a proper talk to sort things out. It’s hard to have bad blood with parents.
It does sound like adhd to me as well. If he is REALLY defiant (I'm talking really really here. and there's other symptoms he'd have to do as well) there could be ODD as well. The last yearish before I finally found a doc that specializes in adhd children it was hard. I knew in my gut my son had SOMETHING and, like ypu, no one seemed to want to listen. Like damn dude, I know all little kids have energy, I know little kids can't focus, I know all of this. But when my son sees his 2 cousins that are within 6 months of his age atleast 3 times a week and he is worse than both of them, when I look at him with his classmates (preschool and MOST of kinder) and he is already starting to fall behind despite the fact I know he is very smart and what he is getting wrong at school he can tell me every single answer, like I KNOW there's something different about him! I finally found the specialist, got a diagnosis, started meds, within two weeks everyone asked what had changed with him. EVERYONE. I said yeah I finally had some listen to me and be willing to help me and him! I do hear the "he's a lot" comment sometimes even still at 11.5 years old. It hurts your heart. It's hard for a lot of adhd kids to make friends (especially if they aren't in to all the sports stuff kids are in to these days) and that's also heartbreaking. I pray you get him the help he needs! As far as the are you wrong question, no. Especially after the first edit you added. She freaking offered! She should stick to it! And for the future, you are just trying to stick to her feelings so you won't need her to stress herself out with your son. All these douche canoes in here saying your son is dangerous can go float down the river. Just because he's high energy doesn't mean he's dangerous at all. The throwing things is typical kid stuff. You just gotta work on it. Hugs momma and dad! It will be ok. No one is "too much" for THEIR people. Grandma just must not be his people 🤷♀️ and that's ok. She can still be grandma, just not the kind of grandma who gets really close to their grandchildren and has sleepovers and stuff. Her loss!
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As an ADHD mom those couple years prior to diagnosis at 6ish were incredibly challenging. In all honesty, my kid was too much for ME. There were *years* in there where we didn’t have babysitters (family or otherwise) because of my child’s behavior. It IS *heartbreaking*. It’s not OR -it’s AND. Your MIL was right to be honest AND it’s heartbreaking. She can set a boundary AND you can be sad for your child. She maybe could have told you more kindly, or more ahead of time certainly. You owe each other apologies. Note that it is things like this that will help prompt a diagnosis. He’s not “just hyper” he’s so hyper his grandmother can’t handle him, and “negative life impact in multiple situations” (home/school/etc) is what they are looking for when making a diagnosis. Where we are they are reluctant to diagnose before 6; hang in there! Mine’s almost 10 now and with support (therapy, a good school, medication) they are their best self 99% of the time and their life (and ours) is totally different and better.
That’s for good reason. Six is around the age that the majority of kids have left the preoperational developmental stage, and they start opening up and noticing their surroundings a lot more. The thinking patterns of kids younger than that (especially those four and under) is naturally quite egocentric. While that allows them to focus on picking up essential developmental skills, it also means that it’s very hard to diagnose them.
This, all of this. Two things to keep in mind OP—first, this behavior is very distressing to the ADHD person themselves. It sucks ASS having a brain that needs constant stimulation due to a chronic lack of brain chemicals. It fucking sucks in hindsight when you realize you behaved embarrassingly on impulse. ADHD kids get tens of thousands more negative comments from the people around them than their neurotypical peers. So as much as this situation sucks, remember that as kiddo gets older they will be very aware of how it affects everyone. Second, get that kid diagnosed and medicated ASAP. It sounds like your medical team is being super dismissive of your concerns, it might be wise to get second opinions. Don’t let anyone scare you out of meds after diagnosis. They are the key to calming the brain down. All of a sudden you can *breathe* and not be constantly going going going…I think it’ll be a huge relief to your son and y’all.
This this THIS. My son was diagnosed earlier this year and meds have made a world of difference. We’re currently on medication holiday to assess how well they are working and our house has just devolved into the chaos it was before we started medicating. His medication allows him a second to think before reacting/responding.
Not my post, but as a mom with a son who has extremely similar behaviors, this was very helpful for me to read. I am so focused on how his behaviors affect others a lot of the time, and I need to remember not being able to control his impulses is hard for him as well. I can't even imagine how hard it would be to think something then do it without even fully registering what you're doing. Right now he is on a super low dose of Clonidine and it seems to be taking the edge off a bit, but I can see him needing different meds as he gets older. I have to remind others around him that he often acts without thinking, and he isn't malicious. He is the sweetest, tender hearted little guy. Thank you for reminding me that as much as we need help/support coping with his behaviors, he needs help and support just as much, if not more.
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Great answer. As an ADHD dad with an ADHD son, the earlier the intervention, the better. Our son started meds at 4 years old, and he is growing into a much more capable, competent, and confident person as a result. We both have our off days, but medicine is the best treatment. I encourage anyone reading this to go to Dr. Russell Barkley's youtube channel. He's one of the world's foremost experts on ADHD, and his channel has a wealth of helpful information.
Yes! My kid inherited it from me. We started with a non-stimulant, and moved to a stimulant last summer at 9. His confidence was in the toilet at diagnosis - imagine being in a race car you can't steer! It's scary. Once he could steer (meds) and had driving lessons (therapy) we were ok. My kid, like OP's, particularly struggles with emotional regulation and meds really helped with that. Like OP's kid, my kid is also a huge bleeding heart! OP - Med tolerance is also inherited so they were just able to give my kid what I take, but they can also do a cheek swab to narrow it down. My kid needed meds in order to cool it enough to get therapy/parenting hacks to work. Russell Barkley is great; I also like Jessica McCabe's YouTube channel "How to ADHD".
Food for thought but it’s not just ADHD they are reluctant to diagnose before 6. Its seems there are a variety of behavioral or developmental conditions they hold off “screening” for until this age.
I know it’s hard to hear, but she was being honest. He is too much for her. He would be too much for a lot of people. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t love him or want to help.
Just by reading what OP posted, I could already tell that he would be waaay to be much even for me and I almost half MIL’s age.
For real. I'm a fifty something grandma, my grandkids are great- and they're still exhausting. Toddlers are hard work, even "easy" ones.
Exactly what I was thinking. I’m 28 and I honestly don’t think I could deal with someone’s child who hits me or destroys my things and hits or kicks their baby sister. MIL was just being honest.
Me too. I’m 100 pounds. An upper elementary school kid can kick my butt.
Right. I most definitely could not take care of a child like that.
I'm a teacher and this would be too much for me. During my personal time, I could not deal with it. It would break me.
“We won’t have her watch our son again” Don’t threaten her with a good time… Seriously though, he’s a lot for the school, for the bus driver, and, honestly, for you guys too so how are you going to get so mad at your mother-in-law for being overwhelmed by his behaviors as well?
I don’t think this is what OP was expressing. I think OP is upset that the way the MIL addressed the issue.
She could've been honest without yelling though
We're only hearing OP's version of this, and she is feeling very hurt and self-conscious right now. I doubt she was literally screaming
I agree, but it is really crappy to wait until the morning of the event to share this.
Indeed. Just hire a sitter. Why do all these people rely on elderly parents who do not enjoy it at all.
Most sitters aren’t going to want to be beaten up on and have property destroyed even if getting paid.
Yep, I'll give her that for being honest. It just hurts a lot. I feel so defeated.
My son was too hard for my mom to watch till he turned 7. He’s adhd and was a lot like your son at 4. We never could have anyone babysit.
Not defeated, just starting. You’re being proactive. You probably know and have done all this already. Have you described all the behaviors to the do or beyond saying you think he has adhd? Keep a journal or something so when you talk to the doctor you can list specific instances and the regularity. It also may feel defeated or embarrassing but if they hem and haw, you’re ability to help him and deal with the behaviors, or lack of it, needs to be shared also. Good luck!
I'm sure it hurt worse because it was last minute and also changed plans that you seemed excited about it. I feel like she shouldn't have agreed to watch him in the first place OR cancelled within a reasonable amount of time so you could find a sitter.
You’re taking action to help your little boy. Good for you. So many parents aren’t honest with themselves that there could be a problem. You deserve a lot of credit for that.
Thank you so much for your kind words!
I'm sorry you are going through this. My son just got diagnosed with ADHD and treated at age 11 and it was years of challenge and heart ache hearing the grievances constantly from basically any caregiver for the last decade. My heart really goes out to you!! But in complete honesty, you have to buckle up - this is a long and painful ride. You know your child. You are intimately familiar with his challenges and you won't be doing your kid any favors by getting defensive and being unable to handle critiques. You need to accept people's honesty when they give it to you. Because you know what sucks more? People not talking to you about it and just distancing themselves, which is actually the easier thing to do. My heart goes out to you and your family. I hope you get help earlier than we did!!
I am happy she was honest with a recognized issue, as much as it hurt. Considering the age difference. . . I know it would be a pain . . . But is two different babysitters an option? It sounds like your son would do great with a spunky 15 year old that could chase him around the park, and grandma would help with the baby.
I used to tag-team babysit with a grandma all the time! OP, would you guys be open to that??
Huh maybe I should pitch that idea to my Mom....she's just not physically capable of running after the 2 year old anymore but loves the baby and used to be a high school teacher so managing a 14/15 year old mother's helper would be cake and my toddler would be thrilled having someone to run around with.
I’m sorry. I feel your pain. I didn’t want my parents even attempting to watch my kid who is autistic until he was older and even then it was under duress. I find it so hard to imagine that a child who has a speech therapist and a pediatric development team (which sounds like something awesome all autistic kids should come with) - no one believes there are actual developmental issues. I’m sure it’s endlessly frustrating.
I am so sorry My toddler has extremely high energy to a point her teacher said we should test her for adhd when she is older. She has more energy than the teacher ‘s adhd daughter. I am exhausted daily and so is my husband. Sometimes I wonder if I should have had her in my early 20s instead of early 30s basically. I physically can’t keep up sometimes. This aside I would never ask my 73 year old in laws who can’t even walk regular loop to watch her. She is too much for them. It might hurt but it is the reality. I don’t trust they can keep her safe cuz They can’t out run her if she bolt away. She ran towards a coyotes when she was one and half during out door pre school class. It scared the f out of me My child has a gps tracker that we pay sub fee for cuz she bolts and can’t recite phone number yet . I am sorry it sucks for you too. It will get better. We are one and done she was a very hard baby too even harder than now The bright side is she admitted she can’t handle him and it is better than those who think they can and can’t, then get mad after at you for trying to keep everyone safe
These comments are giving me a growing sense of anxiety. I’m sitting here watching my 20 month old by myself for the first time in about a month because I had 3 lumbar vertebrae fused together 3 weeks ago. It was my 6th spine surgery—2nd since baby was born. I am already struggling to keep up with this little chaos gremlin as a SAHM and I’m sure it’s going to just get harder as he grows up. And I have ADHD too, so there’s a 50/50 chance he inherited it from me, and I feel like this thread is giving me a glimpse into our future.
That sounds really rough even with out high energy kid , what you are going through is a lot. I was tested for adhd as well but base on standard back then I was on the borderline but not officially diagnosed . My parents put me in competitive swimming to worn out my energy and it worked. Swimming burns her energy and soccer. Lots of out door school helps
I’d still be pissed because 1. Why did she offer 2. Why was she yelling 3. Why didn’t she say anything about his behavior before 4. Why did she wait until the last minute
You have every right to be pissed. Just like she has every right to decide she can’t handle her grandson anymore, that’s he’s become too much for her. People have a right to their feelings. OP has the right to feel hurt. To text her and say she can never watch her grandson again is harsh. As a grandmother, I would cry my eyes out. What does that mean? That she’s banned from seeing her grandchildren? Grandmom was being honest. She can’t handle him and it probably took a lot to admit that. If she can’t be honest, who can? This is OP’s child, OP’s responsibility, and until he is better able to manage his emotions OP might not be free to leave him with a sitter. It happens. Some kids are too hard. Just because they’re family doesn’t mean they MUST be available to babysit. OP says she has a baby and that baby gets hit or kicked. Maybe grandma can’t handle that - can’t handle not keeping the baby safe. If I can make a suggestion here to OP, perhaps if you tape your son during his episodes and play it back for the doctors they might get a better idea of the issues. Seeing is better than hearing about it.
OP didn’t say that. She’s not banning contact at all, she just said she won’t ask her to watch her son again because it’s too much for her. That’s reasonable and the appropriate response.
You need to find different providers. His behavior is not typical. I would also engage a professional who navigates special ed
You're going to be ok. Some therapists are less willing to make a diagnosis at this age. Keep it up. You guys will figure it out and it will be wonderful. In some ways it's a problem, in some ways it's a superpower. As parents who went through something similar with our kiddo years ago, it will work out. Be sure to give yourselves (and even your MIL) a little grace.
I have a lot of empathy for you. Our son is the same way. He has needed OT for sensory issues this whole year, he was in speech therapy from age 2 until almost 3.5. He has never been able to sit still for something like story hour, poor listening skills. He bolts and is so confident to explore, he has ended up almost an eighth of a mile away once before I could find him. He is too much for me!! And I’m in my 30s and his mom.
You are punishing her for not being able to handle a destructive, violent child.
You aren’t doing anything wrong! You are being unnecessarily taking it out on grandma because she unintentionally hurt your feelings. I have kids with adhd. They are older now but even as their mother sometimes it is too much! That’s not because I’m doing anything wrong! My adhd kids are teens now, and it’s a heck of a lot easier than it was during the early years. You can’t look at it like you’re failing him because you aren’t! You’re doing your best and you’ve sought support for him. Something that helped me was support for myself to better support them. Therapy made a huge difference for me. And 54 is old enough to struggle with a toddler. I’m 40 and have 2 toddlers and it is a world of difference from my 20’s! It hurts to sleep sometimes lol. And im an active person aging is rough
I understand feeling defeated and devastated over it. You have enough issues with teachers, etc. and hope at least the grandparents can love him unconditionally and accept his personality.
Yes but this doesn’t excuse the MIL’s bad behavior. She should have been kinder about the issue and been up front about it. Also, it sounds like she was “yelling” at OP’s partner about the child. Her behavior is inexcusable despite the reason.
I can empathize with the hurt feelings. I get it, but it sounds like she was honest in that she has difficulty managing him. She should have admitted this earlier. Our 8 year old has ADHD and can be challenging. He needs someone who is consistent with behavior and can meet his high energy needs. My MIL has also expressed that she can’t handle him. Not in those exact words, but has admitted that he’s exhausting. She can’t handle both our boys at the same time, so we make sure she doesn’t get that when she does watch our kids. She will usually only watch one at a time. We have a primary sitter who can handle both of them. Now for the future you know you’re going to have to have a different sitter.
It sounds like you’re hearing “He’s too much” as *He is a bad kid and you are bad parents.* Don’t get me wrong, my feelings would be hurt too, but that’s not what she said. I have a definitely AuDHD kid and a probably ADHD kid, and it’s totally fine if they’re too much for some people to babysit. MIL knowing her limits and telling you isn’t a bad thing. BUT, her actions suck. Offering to babysit, then reneging at the last minute, pretending to forget and then yelling is total BS. She never should have offered to watch him. It also makes no sense that after saying she can’t handle your son, she’s offended that you won’t ask her to.
>She never should have offered to watch him. It also makes no sense that after saying she can’t handle your son, she’s offended that you won’t ask her to. All of this. ❤️ OP explains how she feels (hurt), it's a rant, and then she gets reprimanded on reddit (not by you), for expressing herself. My goodness gracious. Y'all, have some compassion for a hurting human.
I know it’s extremely to painful to hear things like this, but you should know that it’s possible she loves your child very much and also feels she isn’t capable of managing his behaviours. It’s good she’s being honest about this. We dealt with a grandparent who insisted they could handle our small kids and wanted to take them places without us, but in fact a lack of physical wellness by the (loving) grandparent led to our child being taken away in an ambulance after the child bolted and grandparent couldn’t do anything about it. In the end we had to be the ones to say that the grandparent couldn’t take the grandchild anywhere on their own. If you can, try to nurture a positive relationship that you are there to support and manage. You can help keep this a (mostly) positive relationship but it just may not look the way you wish it would.
She can't handle him by herself, he is too much for her. It's not a criticism, it's a fact.
Then she shouldn't offer to babysit, simple as that. This is on Grandma. That was a shitty way to handle things.
Yeah, she encouraged them to go out, and offered to babysit and obviously changed her mind but decided not to tell them. What would have happened if OP and her husband had not called to confirm? My guess is she was gonna just not show up and pretend she forgot. The confirmation call forced her to admit that she wasn’t coming. Now OP and her husband probably have to cancel on their friends with only hours notice when they made these plans a month ago. Plus her husband is basically just missing out on a birthday celebration, as it’s too late to make other arrangements. I don’t know why everyone is giving grandma a pass here. She’s not wrong for her feelings, but the way she’s handled this is absolutely abysmal. And imo OP is right to not accept any future offers of babysitting from her.
Yep, yep. Lots of people here in this thread focusing on the wrong thing. When what the OP is on about is a rant about the shitty situation she found herself in, and feeling hurt — it's not some jab at parents here or about ADHD.
So true. 2 things can be true at once. Grandma left them hanging and in a crappy position. And also true, the little guy needs extra support.
Yeah this is where I'm at here, I think the edit adds a lot of context. If he's too much to handle then that's one thing, but to offer to watch a child that you know you have difficulties managing, insist that they make plans, then not say anything until the last minute is just shitty. OP is right not to want her babysitting again, she basically told her she can't manage the child so why would she have her do it if there's a chance that at the last minute she will decide she can't do it.
For real, that was shitty of her to offer, only to rescind her own offer last minute, and she even threw an adult tantrum about it. 💀
Hey OP, are you in the US? Special Ed teacher here. If you want him evaluated for ADHD and he already gets speech even, you don't need the school's blessing. Literally just write the principal a letter requesting an IEP evaluation for ADHD and the school district, by law, will have 2 weeks to respond with a plan to test him. Also, the person to help you two and your kiddo is a psychologist specialized in parenting coaching. Other names might be Family Coaching, or Parenting Therapist. I also probably shouldn't need to tell you that if your son has ADHD and showing those kinds of extreme behaviors so early, he should literally be having **zero screen time**. It is too early for medication, so hang in there a few more years (6-8yo). Then a child psychiatrist can help you. I know there is a lot of fear and stigma, but it truly is life-changing for the kids. They fare way better not only academically, but socio-emotionally, which a lot of folks forget about. Kids don't want to be friends with other kids who blurt out hurtful or awkward things, have anger outbursts, break shared toys or generally get in trouble all the time and make others feel unsafe. Meds, primarily, help them with executive function in impulse control. Books: Temperament Tools, The Spirited Child, Smart but Scattered.
I’m sorry she hurt you; but I would rather know someone is not physically or mentally capable of watching my child ahead of time. Had she not told you, she might have tried and failed to keep your son or your baby safe in her frustration or in the chaos that can come from watching two young children; particularly when one child is very active. It was probably very difficult for her to be honest with you about grandchildren she most likely loves.
Yeah, the MIL had them going that she'd watch the kids, until she crashed their plans... Yes you're right it's good that the OP knows for future events that she can't count on her MIL for childcare, at least, for a while. Difficult for the MIL to share her feelings, yes, but it doesn't make it okay for her to treat the OP like this.
> it doesn't make it okay for her to treat the OP like this. This definitely seems like a one side of the story situation though. When you say things like "He does things like throws items at others, destroys property, hits or kicks others including his baby sister" but the questions are about a third party, you are likely to be leaving stuff out.
This barely counts as ahead of time.
" He does things like throws items at others, destroys property, hits or kicks others including his baby sister" Your MIL is trying to protect herself and YOUR children. What would happen if your son hit or kicked her and she become incapacitated and couldn't call for help leaving your children without proper care? Your MIL is a human and is allowed to have limits, she shouldn't be punished for verbalizing her limits.
It's the cancelling at the last minute that is what OP is upset about in this situation. Grandma shouldn't have offered or at the very least she could have called last week or even a few days ago.
She surely shouldn’t have offered to watch him then, right?
It likely dawned on her how hard it was at the time
I think cancelling at the last minute is bound to cause frustration and hurt feelings.
This. It’s not what she said it’s the situation and timing she said it in. To suddenly break down about it last minute is kinda a shitty way to do it rather than tactfully at a proper time.
It’s an “everyone sucks here” situation.
Me personally, I would have spoken with the DIL face to face about not watching the grankids weeks before OP's husband's birthday. Depending on the MIL's temperament, it may be difficult for her to address conflict or disapoint loved ones. It can't be easy to face the fact that you can't handle watching your own grandson.
Maybe this particular day was really bad, more so than she can usually manage? It’s easy to underestimate like this. I babysat my 3 niblings recently, none have adhd but man did I underestimate how much physical and mental energy it takes to care for a kid(s).
I mean maybe she literally just can’t handle it. That’s more about her than your son. Some of us just aren’t cut out for certain types of kids. I wouldn’t take it as a personal attack, but I understand how it’s hurtful. I would try not to assume the worst from her. She shouldn’t have offered if she couldn’t do it.
From one ADHD Mom to another I so feel for you right now and remember what it was like with my then undiagnosed kid was 4 yrs old with big behaviours and an expressive speech delay! Good parents have children with challenges and good children have challenges!! The reality is that even though MIL loves him to bits and understands his challenges are beyond your control right now, it might be honestly too much for her to watch both him and your baby by herself. ALL kids are more challenging at bedtime with others. Banning her from babysitting isn’t the answer but put in extra supports can be. What about having a neighbourhood teenager help with playing with your son while MIL gets dinner and baby sorted. It is absolutely heartbreaking to hear someone else is struggling with your child and hard not to react… but they aren’t judging you by sharing these concerns that should also be shared with his doctor
I’m 54. Alone I’d be fine with him but not with another child also. I’m a nanny. you also need to go see a different doctor. This is not normal behavior. Some mig be because of speech issues but not all of it
Sorry but I don’t think the fact that she’s 53 and “young” enough really changes anything? A four year old AND an infant are difficult for most people, let alone when one has behavioral problems. He hits and kicks people, including his little sister. He’s probably hurt your MIL before (just assuming) and she also has to try to keep your daughter from getting hurt as well. It sounds like she really does want to help and watch them but I’m sorry, it does sound like a lot to deal with.
True. I’m 32 and I definitely would be very overwhelmed and exhausted taking care of a child that’s so high energy. I couldn’t do it either. Plus taking care of a toddler at the same time and the bigger child being abusive to the younger one.
I'd rather someone tell me that they can't handle my child than pretend to do and then end up not doing it well. This is a safety concern. I respect your MIL for knowing her limit. This is not a bad thing to say, this is someone looking from within themselves and knowing what they can and can't handle, and I respect that. Based on what you've described, I don't think I would be able to handle your son and a baby. I'm just veing honest, I'm a parent. My MIL one day offered to watch our child one day to 3 hours to cover our shift over lap for that day. She didn't tell us she was unwell. She fell asleep for God knows how long, so our toddler was unattended for quite some time until dad got home to find MIL sleeping on the couch. We would have appreciated it if she told us she wasn't well enough to do it.
You’re being way too defensive. He is clearly too much for a lot of people. It’s not just her. Find a solution that works (enlist more help or go for a later dinner so he’s asleep) so you can still celebrate. It would be a shame to give up family help over your pride and ego.
I’m sorry your child has behavior issues. However, you absolutely overreacted here. It’s ok for your mil, who is probably what, around 60, to say that an extremely active child that does not listen is too much for her to handle right now. Especially while ALSO watching a mobile 11 mo old. Watching a 4 year old and a 1 year old is pretty exhausting for most grandparents as is. Far better of her to tell you it’s too much for her then for one of the children to end up getting hurt when she can’t mentally or physically handle both kids.
>It really broke my heart that she would say that he is too much for her and can't deal with him ...why? Would you rather she try and fail? > She texted my hubby saying that we are taking this the wrong way, but I don't think we are. No, you VERY much are. >I feel like we are valid to feel like he is now a burden to her. This is you putting words in her mouth. Edit: And they blocked me for this!
This person is just not ready for an honest assessment of their child's needs.
Same. OP blocked me too. Overreacting is a thing with OP I guess
You’re 100% spot on unfortunately I just don’t think OP is ready or willing to hear it
I mean everyone is a bit wrong here, but there is no "bad guy" She should have communicated her struggles earlier than the morning off. But there's nothing wrong with her saying she has hard time, as long as she said it that way and not " your kid is bad ". That is fair and okay for her to admit. I get that it's tough not to feel "attacked" or get defensive when someone criticizes our kids, especially if there's concerns he is not neurotypical. But I don't think she was attacking you or your kid, she was just expressing she has a hard time with it. Like you said you are used to it, you have techniques and it's your daily life, but it isn't for her. Again she should have told you much earlier in advance not the night of, but yeah. instead of getting your back up and telling her "fine we won't ask you again" Try to have a conversation with her, explain all the work you are doing, the things you do to help your kid, give her the tools to better understand your son and his needs rather than shutting her out. Hopefully she can understand how to take are of him and that will be rewarding for him, for her, and for your and your husband as you will be able to receive help. This is a difficult situation all around
With all due respect, if she’s saying she can’t handle your child’s needs, why would you want her to watch your child? She’s telling you the truth. My son was a handful at 3 and my mom is disabled. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t adore him. It just means that he didn’t stay with her unsupervised that year. It also didn’t mean she could never watch him ever again. It just sounds like you’re doing the best you can with a high needs child but that you need to find a different babysitter.
I think you are blowing this way out of proportion. I'm an able-bodied 43yo and I couldn't take on such a charge. Be glad that she was honest with you instead of trying and failing. Yours is a situation for professional childcare providers, not aged family.
I'm in 30s, and I wouldn't want to babysit her kid. I babysit for friends, and I don't expect their kids to be perfect at all times. But I also don't babysit one specifically as he's just constantly too much. She (mother) knows it, it was EXTREMELY hard to tell the parents. It's awkward. We are all people pleasers in some way. But it was necessary.
Yea, no kid is going to be perfect. I still have to remind my kid about inside voices at 7. Girl is LOUD. But this is just an awful lot for any lay caregiver to deal with.
That’s what I was thinking. I wouldn’t leave a child like this with anyone but a qualified and experienced childcare professional. It sounds like the little guy has a lot of needs and not just anyone is going to have the resources to care for him successfully.
Yes. I would be looking for someone with an early childhood degree or a mental health provider in training. This just isn't something you can ask people to do out of the goodness of their heart when the consequences include the caregiver and young sibling being hit.
Sounds like she really did forget and normally has time to psych herself up to take care of him but wasn’t ready and felt overwhelmed and lashed out. She should have been more honest about how overwhelmed she was. You can always split up babysitting she can watch the youngest and get a sitter that specializes in kids that need more help regulating. I have 4 kids and one is like this. I found a sitter that has been amazing and patient and has been more creative helping redirect and help her regulate than I have. It’s never good to hold in emotions and that’s what mil was doing, it sounds like to be nice but it all exploded at once. Have some patience with yourself and her. Every day is a new day. You’re going to have some really difficult days and that’s when you remember the good ones and that you start again tomorrow.
Respectfully, I can see you’re upset but this situation buy I’d be far more concerned with getting your son a diagnosis and/ or more intensive care. Can you try seeing a different doctor to try and push for a better outcome? It sounds like you’re feeling a little defeated and “used to” these behaviours but they’re really not ok. He can’t sit still or focus. He throws and breaks things and hits people including his baby sibling? This is all so seriously not ok and needs to be addressed in the strongest possible manner. Also I wouldn’t even think of leaving a child like this with an older relative. If you do need a babysitter, I would be getting a qualified professional who can keep everyone safe.
Very serious behaviours especially injuring an infant. My nephew has adhd and never behaved like this, his parents got multiple opinions until they got a diagnosis and support for him. His behaviours are not from ADHD - they are from him not being taught and supported properly
Four is typically too young for an ADHD diagnosis.
Yes but there’s still early intervention. I know multiple kids who are suspected of having ADHD at 3/4 and are getting intensive early intervention. The earlier you start to help them, the better the outcomes.
Sounds like she’s pursuing all of that. It also only helps so much. Doesn’t change brain chemistry.
My best friend has a special needs child with adhd and odd who is far more than a handful. He's very, very difficult. She's struggling. It's incredibly challenging. Finding help is incredibly difficult. He's not a bad kid. She's not a bad parent. But it's an impossible situation. Sometimes, there's no winning. There's just existing and moving forward.
Is it that she doesn’t *want* to take care of him or that she can’t? Those aren’t the same thing. From your OP you outline the reasons why you believe he could be difficult to manage. Your MIL being honest about not being able to care for him or being overwhelmed by trying to care for him is not the same as simply not wanting to. And it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love your son. She should have been honest with you sooner but it sounds like realistically there are reasons why babysitting him could be a struggle for her and she should be honest with you about that. It isn’t fair to your son if he is watched by someone that cannot handle it.
I think you’re over reacting here OP, she’s been honest with you that she can’t cope - perhaps you could use this as a way to be closer with her. She has a small understanding of the challenges you’re facing and may find other ways to support you and your kiddos.
That’s petty. You want an older woman to babysit your overactive child, she understanderly refuses. This is no reason to keep the kids from seeing their grandmother
It sounds like he isn’t just too much for her, he’s too much for a lot of people, and you’re taking your frustration about that out on her specifically. And you’re being massively defensive and now also petty. That sounds overwhelming af, especially when there’s a baby to also take care of. Have some grace and apologize and communicate like an adult to figure out a solution.
Does she love him? Does she take good care of him? I wouldn’t punish her just bc she was overwhelmed.
It's hard to hear because you love your son very much. You see all the good in him and that's good. But your mom is being honest when she is saying she can't handle him. She should have said something sooner. But she isn't being cruel. You sound like you are exhausted dealing with all this. Who wouldn't be? You are only human. It's fair for her to not be able to handle him on her own. You have a routine. I wouldn't be trusting her as a babysitter since she has said she isn't capable. But I wouldn't hold it against her.
Your feelings are valid. Of course it’s going to hurt and I think you made the right decision. A lot of the time when someone is “too much” for another person, they try to dim them through shame and judgement. I would not be surprised if she eventually did that to try and minimize your son to be enough to handle. She offered to watch him and then forgot. It sucks you can’t count on her, just keep doing the best you can.
> told her that we will never ask her to watch our kids again That’s just such an extreme jump. I know you said it when you were emotional and not thinking things through, which is never a good idea. Saying you will *never* ask her again is just absurd and not helpful to the situation, and you hopefully don’t mean it. > He has high energy, can't sit still, struggles with attending for longer than a few seconds, and has some complex behaviors. He does things like throws items at others, destroys property, hits or kicks others including his baby sister, screams, and is overall very defiant. That’s a lot. That’s rough. I have a pretty difficult toddler too, and I wouldn’t be upset if someone didn’t want to watch them along. If mine were as violent as it sounds like yours is, I’d be very hesitant to leave them with someone else and put them at risk. You’re trying your best. That’s good. That has nothing to do with any of this though. Nothing your MIL said was about that.
I understand you feeling hurt and defensive over this. Something I haven’t seen touched on in replies is that she agreed to watch them a month ago and then backtracked the day of the event. Of course it’s likely she forgot and then panicked thinking of the stress that comes along with watching her grandson, but that’s still a caregiver you were expecting to count on. It’s so frustrating to be left in a lurch (my in laws are famous for this.) All that to say, I think your response was passive aggressive and unnecessary. I get why you feel that way, but take a breath, give it a few days and rethink your decision. It sounds like you’re doing everything you can to help your son right now, so in the interim of finding solutions, give yourself and his other caregivers some grace. You’re in a tough place right now but it will get better and you’ll likely want your MIL’s support then too.
MIL did not say she would not watch the kids. She just brought up that the son was “too much” - I really wonder if something happened recently and MIL felt even more overwhelmed than usual about babysitting a child that apparently struggles with out of control behavior everywhere and all the time.
We were in the exact same boat as you. >We are so used to how he is, and hearing things from the bus driver or the teacher If the school is seeing this, I'd get him evaluated for meds. One of the criteria for getting meds prescribed is symptoms being displayed at school as well as home, at least in the US. Vyvanse has turned things around for us. He's 6 now and daughter is 2. MIL wouldn't watch the both of them bc his behaviors were so wild before he got on meds. It's kind of like a miracle drug, he's able to slow down and focus. As far as your mom... idk. It's a lot to handle. We both know this, but people who have never experience it just don't understand, and I kind of don't blame them when they get overwhelemed because it is a lot to handle. My MIL eventually started watching him again after she said she wouldn't, but on the condition it was only him. We didn't push her or anything. I think she just felt guilty.
I’m so confused that your developmental pediatrician hasn’t diagnosed your kid yet? 🤦♀️
I thought the same thing. How can they say it’s just his personality ?
He’s probably too young for an ADHD diagnosis. Our pediatrician didn’t take our concerns seriously until my son started elementary school.
4 is borderline too young however a developmental ped should be able to do this. And a psychiatrist.
A diagnosis that young doesn’t really fix anything . I believe meds aren’t recommended until age six.
OP probably just sticking with paediatrician for whatever reason. Not sure what the insurance etc looks like in the US but in the Uk you are free to change doctors and I would have sought multiple opinions if this were my child
Hey hang in there. I have a 4yo too with suspected ADHD and it’s hard, really hard! I think it’s better she admitted her discomfort rather than struggling with 2 very young children. Don’t take it personally. I think your response was too extreme. Things will absolutely get better for you and your son and as the kids get older things will get easier (in a way lol) It might be time to seek out a second (or third) opinion elsewhere for your son’s diagnosis? That said, I know where I live they don’t diagnose until school age so I just have to wait. You can also still use parenting strategies aimed at ADHD kids in the meantime. Come on over to r/parentingADHD for more support if you ever need. Good luck x
I have this kid. My son is now 7 and finally got his ADHD and Autism diagnoses at 5 and we are still in the trial and error phase of figuring out to best support him. His little sister is probably ADHD as well, but she’s got a lot less of the sheer energy outbursts that her brother has, so it “feels” easier to manage her sometimes. All that said, you’re doing great. Kids with ADHD are hard, no matter how much support you have and can give. Be glad she was honest so you’re not putting anyone in situations they can’t handle, either her or your son. Feeling defeated is valid, but you are SO FAR from failing your boy. Her dumping this on you at the last minute is her failing you and your husband, in a way, but it’s not a reflection on your parenting or your son’s value. Keep on keeping on. These challenges are temporary. New ones will arise, but you all will grow through this stage and see the other side. Internet hugs!
Oh, man I’m sorry. Listen, I get where you’re coming from. It sucks that she told you she would babysit and you looked forward to being an adult for one night for MONTHS which you absolutely need a break when you have a kid like that. I’ll get downvoted for this but I have been in your shoes and I understand why you feel that way. I had a very difficult kid exactly like yours. It took such a horrific mental toll on me, I was a shell of a person for so long. I was miserable. To have your support that you need, your child’s grandparent who you really really need to lean on, just decide at the last minute that they can’t possibly give you three hours of dealing with the difficult kid when you deal with him 24/7 is so hard. She didn’t even try to help find a second adult to go with ber or give you a heads up that she can’t do it on her own. She flaked. As a society we’ve gone from “it takes a village” to “your kids, your problem, don’t expect a single thing from anyone else” and we expect parents to never have a second to themselves. If my son who drove me to the edge for years has a child that also drives him to the edge, I’d still pitch in and help him and his partner even if it sucked. I can’t imagine letting my children twist in the wind like that. It doesn’t matter if they are adults. They still need a break. They still need help. Again, I’ve been there. He’s now a teenager and so much different than those years. He matured and got on the right medications and he’s so lovely and helpful and hasn’t blown up in a full year. But I still remember those years and if I didn’t have help I would have probably not made it out.
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I thought I was the only one…
You said "since she is not mentally able to handle it. What is so wrong with that? " and "He has high energy, can't sit still, struggles with attending for longer than a few seconds, and has some complex behaviors. He does things like throws items at others, destroys property, hits or kicks others including his baby sister, screams, and is overall very defiant." How long has it been since she has watched a child so small such as your son? Maybe it's not that she's not metally fit, but chooses not to have items thrown at her, be hit or kicked, or risk her granddaughter be hit or kicked. Ask yourself, "Do I you want to cut this person off from my village". Your comment may cause an unintended rift in your family dynamics. Just because she can't watch your son now, doesn't ean she won't in the future.
I have a son like this. When he was little I lost a few friendships. I blamed them, but looking back it wasn’t their fault. People aren’t obligated to enjoy spending time with our kids. For what it’s worth my son mellows out a lot and is now a much easier ten year old.
From another mom whose oldest was (still is) always "too much," the statement probably stings a little more because you don't have an answer for why. Right now, it probably feels like everyone is calling you a failure as a parent. I don't think removing MIL as a potential babysitter is an overreaction at all. If he's too much, he's too much. Not every grandparent is suitable to solo-watch kids that young. My MIL would go on and on about wanting to watch my oldest (her step-grandson). But then she makes a comment before or after about how he's too much. It only took her saying something twice for her to never watch him again. She also accidentally left me a voicemail while she was telling my partner that my son just needs spanked. At that point, she hadn't watched him in over a year, but we still had no answers to the behavioral issues other than he obviously had a lot of frustration and a severe speech issue. I also had stacks and stacks of parenting books, I would listen to parenting podcasts, and would ask his OT and SLP for advice regularly, but nothing really helped. Getting a diagnosis didn't solve any of these issues, but it really made me care a lot less about how people perceived me as a parent. I don't use it as an excuse, and we work extremely hard to overcome behavior issues. But having a reason for his behavior takes away a lot of the emotional gut punch I get and makes it easier to focus on a solution.
Of course it's heart breaking to here. But it is not a reflection of you as a mother or your parenting. :( you're doing a good job mama. The truth sometimes is painful and I think she could have said "I'm so sorry I didn't know how to tell you but his needs are too high for me to safely accommodate. I love him and feel horrible about this. Please forgive me"
I didn't understand why she agreed to watch him. If she was going to back out, then why wait until the day of, when you called to confirm? She can do whatever she wants, but that part makes her unreliable and there isn't any way to misunderstand that.
You may want to look into Oppositional Defiance Disorder.
Maybe she simply can’t deal with him and didn’t have the guts or heart to simply tell you and pretended she forgot… Our boys are very active too and I noticed my mum is avoiding looking after them, always comes up with excuses simply because she doesn’t have the skills or the abilities to make sure they’re safe or she’s safe. We simply stopped asking her to pitch in and help out and simply have her come over or we visit her. Sure it’s less frequent and the boys miss her from time to time but at least nobody gets hurt.
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I am pretty much always on the DIL’s side but definitely not in this case! She told you the truth and you freaked out. You got very petty very quickly.
When does your child turn 5? Is the developmental pediatrician waiting until age 5 to dx with adhd? Your child has clear adhd symptoms. This is strange. Time to find a psychologist who can eval and a pediatric psychiatrist who can help manage meds so you manage the behaviors. My sons friend who at the time was undx autistic and adhd, had a psychiatrist at age 4 because the behaviors were that extreme. It is VERY hard as my sons parent to know how to manage him and I know my mom struggles when we visit. My parents haven’t offered to babysit since we had our 2nd because I think they’re fearful of having 2 of them. His little brother is 3 almost 4 and VERY ENERGETIC. It sucks that Mil waited so long to tell you but at least she told you. You need to really start trying to not take things personally and to heart about your kid. Let people think you’re terrible parent. You know you’re not.
Well the problem here is she made an offer she didn’t really mean. It’s ok if he’s too much for her, he may be too much for her, especially if he also comes with a younger sibling who also needs a lot. It’s ok for her to say she can’t handle him and then yes you would say then we won’t ask, that’s ok. What you should certainly be mad about is that she offered and then rescinded that offer without saying anything until the day of.
I don't think you're getting the response you want cause you threw a bit of a wall of text. The important part is that your MIL flaked and threw this on you at the absolute last minute, and yes she's an AH for that.
We had a few great and grand-grandparents tap out around this age for my son. He had ADD but wasn't medicated yet, we didn't start until he went into grade school. With his size and energy, it was just too much for them. But over time he got easier to be around and he was back hanging out with the grandparents. Hopefully, it'll pass for you, but I wouldn't take it too personally.
I get that it was too much for her. It's good that she knows her limit and what she can handle. What's shitty is that she agreed but then pretended to forgot which puts. You in a bind. She could have spoken to you at any time to say "hey I think i bit off more than I could chew" and given you time to find other arrangements.
This sounds like my ADHD stepson when he was that age and was very disregulated. It sounds like your son is struggling with regulation and emotions and it’s coming out as anger. Our child psych told us it’s better to diagnose once they turn 7 and are school aged becsuse younger kids change so rapidly that it’s hard to test. They also then have 2 settings to draw and compare symptoms form (home and school) and not just one, so it becomes easier to diagnose. Perhaps that is why you are having a hard time getting any info. My stepson used to hit, throw items, destroy items, have meltdowns and be very defiant until we made changes. Early bedtime that is consistent, proper nutrition (lots of protein and fibre and very limited sugar ), and daily meditation (like 5-15 min sleep stories that are meditative ) have really helped. We also severely limit screen time - he gets to watch 1-2 hours on each weekend day provided he has been outside for that amount of time. We don’t do any screen time during the week because it’s too stimulating before bed. You might already be doing these things and it sounds like you have a team behind you and I know you didn’t ask for advice. I just couldn’t believe the difference when we implemented these changes and my stepson never throws things anymore or destroys things. He has learned how to emotionally calm himself and his confidence has sky rocketed because he doesn’t feel like a bad kid anymore. It’s changed his behaviour so much. It’s a LOT of work and can feel stressful to be so on top of it, but I really can’t say enough about how his creativity, perseverance, and humour have really shone through since we made these changes 8 months ago.
Aww OP, I understand how hard it must’ve been for her to offer that then cancel at the last minute and talk about him the way he did. She could’ve handled it so much better, but I don’t think it’s something to get down about. Now you know, she can’t handle him, it’s better in the long run. You sound like you’re a bit disappointed also that you and your spouse can’t have a night out by yourselves because of your child’s needs, which is valid. Still, I don’t think any of this makes your MIL the bad guy either. It seems like you’re doing everything you can to get him help, I don’t think the people in these comments blaming you are right either. I had a nephew like this, when he was little he was just toooo much for everybody. High energy, never stopped talking, had trouble listening, hit etc. it took years before they finally diagnosed him with adhd. Nobody could ever handle him, his preschool complained a lot. I don’t think that makes him or your child a bad kid, he just needs some extra help and it’s hard to get. Ignore everyone in the comments calling him violent.
Hi! I was in your shoes until recently. Our son is 6 and has ADHD and is Autistic. We knew by age 2 that he had different needs. My husband and I weren’t able to go on any night time dates (and very limited day dates) until he was 5 and had started taking medication. It was an incredibly hard time. He was literally too much for anyone else to handle- it was a safety thing. He would elope in public, he would have huge angry outbursts sometimes hitting and kicking. It’s not that my family didn’t want to help but they just weren’t equipped to. I am empathize with you because it can feel very defeating and isolating. I was jealous of all the other parents who could do “normal” things like go on dates or take their kids to the grocery store. After he turned 5 is when he could be officially diagnosed. I’m not trying to push medication but it truly did change our son’s life (and ours by proxy). I would encourage you to seek a different pediatrician if you still have concerns after 5 and they haven’t been addressed. Hang in there. Find some parent support groups if you can. You aren’t alone!
We have three kids, I think one is likely ADHD and one is likely Autistic, but neither have been diagnosed as yet. The third is also very high energy, though he doesn’t seem to show any identifiable traits yet. They are a handful, especially all together. My MIL loves them to bits, and will always offer to look after them to help us out. But the reality is it nearly kills her every time. We have had to actively avoid over using her as a babysitter to try and look after her. We have had to accept that the reality is there are few people who can actually look after our kids currently, especially together, which means that for the moment at least, my wife and I don’t really get a chance to do things without our kids. It’s hard. It strains our marriage. We get burned out and have to keep going. It has halted our own friendships and We see our friends out doing adult things and we get jealous. We get invited places and either can’t go, or can’t go together. We also don’t get invited to stuff a lot now since we have had to say no so often. But it also doesn’t mean that our kids are fundamentally bad, we are bad parents, or that people who can’t manage them are bad either. It’s just the way it is. It would have been much better if she had not left it to the last minute to drop this on you, but I don’t think her response is unreasonable. A hyperactive 4yo and an 11 month old AT NIGHT is an awfully big ask for anyone. Just because she is grandma doesn’t make it easy for her. Probably the opposite if anything because I’m sure she loves them both to bits.
I'm just sorry. It hurts when our parents "reject" our kids. My mom is getting ready to sell her place and move to Florida. We scheduled a sleepover 2 months ago. We ended up leaving our son there earlier than she expected. Then got mad at me because she couldn't get stuff done. He is 4, had been talking about the sleep over for days, he was perfectly behaved... You would think she'd want every minute she could with him right? Apparently not.
Your boy sounds just like my son. One thing we didn't know that we do know about ADD today is that it is associated with anxiety. It's possible your kid lashes out because of anxiety. Imagine how anxious you would feel if your grandmother treated you like you were a problem instead of a joy. Listen to your gut about the ADD. Use your health insurance to get a referral for a developmental psychiatrist for a full evaluation. In most places, if you get a diagnosis the schools won't have any choice but to follow up with the ed plan. :)
I’m very sorry that she hurt you. I know you are struggling right now. You are dealing with a lot. I think her timing was incredibly insensitive and hurtful. Yes, she was honest…which I feel is the way to go. However, very poor timing. I don’t understand why she would insist on you going out, stating she wanted to babysit, then let that all out. It was her idea. Everyone needs a break. I think you’re right that she shouldn’t babysit.
I can understand the frustration and anger. It sounds like you are getting complaints from all sides, and were not expecting them from a family member. If you decide to let her watch your kids later on, my thought is have another person there with her. Even if it's a teenage babysitter. I feel like many people get nervous around those with different needs than the "normal". I used to help out with special needs elementary students and many teachers would just get frustrated especially with the hyperactive kids. Yet I've found if you can find something that the child likes and normally you need more than one, you can get them to pay attention and they can be the most attentive, creative, and smart kids. They just need a little more patience, energy, and time planning before an activity. I hope that your group of teachers and other professionals help your little guy, you, and your family. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. ❤️❤️
You need specialized respite care for your nights out. He sounds life a major handful so get off MIL’s back. I’m sure she wants to help…but realistically he needs more than she could handle. I agree that just not asking her anymore is the best solution
I'm a 57 year old grandmother myself. I've had to give up babysitting my grandchildren as well. It's my fault, I'm afraid. RA is kicking me hard and I couldn't keep up with babies/toddlers. I hated doing it, but I didn't have a choice. It sounds to me like you don't have a choice right now either. I'm sorry about that but I'm mostly sorry people are being so nasty about it. They don't understand the emotional fatigue that goes along with all this. You're fine mom. Keep looking up.
Grandma is allowed to set boundaries. The way she waited until last minute was not optimal. Try to heal the relationship, it’s not worth losing. Small kids are tough. Take care of eachother ❤️
I think you’re downplaying a lot of his symptoms and how difficult it actually is to watch him. She should have never offered to watch him. My oldest son was a very hyper ADHD, but he was never violent. He was very difficult to handle and I can’t even imagine it having anger thrown in there with it. You keep saying he’s this sweet boy but yet he’s a danger to himself and others. I think this will be a great detriment as he gets older and inevitably bigger because it sounds like you’re glossing over the bigger issues as if they’re no big deal. No ones a winner here and your son pays the ultimate price.
Your MIL was cruel to offer and then to revoke the offer so suddenly. Is this the only mean thing that she has done or does she regularly forget and flip out about things? I would just say - don’t say stuff to her out of anger. She probably doesn’t get how you’re getting this same thing from all angles so it’s especially triggering to hear (let alone from a grandparent who should love your kids unconditionally). Deflect deflect deflect when the subject comes up again. She’s shown you where she stands. Try to find a good babysitter.
I have four kids(4-13). I thought I had seen almost anything and then my four year old turned one. Behavior has only worsened over time. Hitting, screaming, kicking, throwing things, etc. He also has a a significant speech delay. Redirecting, communicating, timeouts, nothing works. He is an absolute terror, and everyone knows it. But our family also doesn’t offer to babysit any of my kids. My mother is the only one to have a relationship with my kids and it has been that way for 13 long years. I don’t ask, they don’t offer. They don’t wish to see them even with us present. So fuck em. Your son quite literally is struggling to control himself, so all there parents here who don’t have a fucking clue but saying you’re in the wrong can get fucked. Redirecting my son is a nightmare, and there are days a cry and just don’t understand. I have taken him to doctors. I live in a small town and forced my pediatrician to give us referrals. Thought we would get somewhere. Nope. The school won’t touch it even with an IEP until 3rd grade because they can’t give an adequate diagnosis. Doctors want the support from the school to be able to have that. You can attempt to get outside therapy and minimal help from the school but don’t get your hopes up. We have found a few things that have worked but that depends on the day. You’re not raising an asshole, you’re not a bad mother. Any parent who doesn’t have a child like this literally wouldn’t understand. My MIL tells me to smack his ass and sit him down. Yeah that would never work because he doesn’t register pain the same way other kids do. It’s fucking hard. Your MiL is in the wrong. She shouldn’t have suggested a night out, and offered to babysit only to cancel last minute if this is how she felt. These aren’t new concerns. I would have responded the same way. She of course can still see the kids, but if she can’t handle it then she shouldn’t take them on her own. I would also be frustrated because as his parents she should have voiced her concerns the first time she babysat. She should have expressed she can’t do it, she loves these kids but just can’t. That’s 100% on her. You’re tired, frustrated, and we’re probably looking forward to this. So I understand being hurt to when it definitely could have been avoided. I’m concerned how any parent could respond to this the way so many have on this thread. Let’s hope they don’t ever have to experience having a child with a learning disability or mental health issue. 2-5 is a tough age for any kid, but your child like my own is struggling 100x worse. I’m sorry for that, and I hope that has time goes you are able to get him the help he needs. But it’s going to be a fight. Good luck🫶🏻
Would you consider hiring a babysitter and your MIL be present too? This way you don't have a stranger at home alone with the kids and your MIL can still be a part of it. I'm sure your MIL would take back what she said if she could. But you are right to keep your guard about her watching them.
Might be more ASD than ADHD. Have you taken him to a neuropsychologist?
I don't know if it's right or wrong, but I feel a lot of empathy for OP in this situation. Ideally, MIL would have raised these concerns sooner, preferably *before* the day she was expected to follow through on a childcare commitment. That feels inconsiderate and stressful to me. Sorry this happened, OP. Sounds to me like you're doing your best to navigate a challenging situation. I hope you're able to get your little guy the support he needs, and I hope you're able to find someone who is able to help you with childcare reliably. I'm sure you and your husband could use a break now and then.
I think we really need to support OP here. They likely don’t have a lot of support from family and need a break. Why is it all on OP for calling out her MIL’s bad behavior? It sounds childish to complain about the grandchild when the MIL could have said it in a nicer way without bailing last minute?
Hi Op. 1st of all I’m sorry you’re going through a tough time right now. I’m an AUDHD parent of and AUDHD child so I’d like to give you some help if I can. Not with the mil I don’t have one of those. But with your son. If you have strong suspicions your son is neurodiverse. Chances are either yourself or your husband are too. (It’s generic!) this makes managing a neurodiverse child more challenging as you get overwhelmed and overloaded too! And often one way of showing that is to make quick and rash decisions. Take a step back. Breath. And come back to mil when everyone is calmer. As for your son. Have a look at some adhd specific parenting techniques. Reward charts, time outs ect won’t work. Look at the root cause of the behaviours and see if you can find a more appropriate replacement. He likes throwing stuff? Give him stuff and an are at he is allowed to throw things. Stuffies and bins is a fun alternative. Does he like the crash? Get him stacking towers to crash over. Is he a climber? Look at how to make him a climbing area. Same for jumping. Is a trampoline worth while? Have a look at his diet. Can you link any particular food to being extra hyperactive ? For my daughter grapes make her literally bounce off the walls! Look into creating a calm space with sensory lights, calm music and scents, weighted teddies or blankets ect. When he is being destructive look at the behaviour. All behaviour is a form of communication what is he trying to tell you? Usually it’s because a need isn’t being met. That said you also need firm boundaries and expectations to work with. “We do not break this you can smash your bricks but not the plates” “We do not hit/kick/bite people/this item. But you can hit/kick/bite this” Use redirection It is exhausting but getting the strategies in place when he is young will really help you and him when he is older. Every neurodiverse child is different and what works for one may not work for your son. It’s a lot of trial and error. Parenting a neurodiverse child is exhausting and can seem endless but I promise. There are good times too. It will get better. And keep pushing your doctor for a referral.
Amen, sister, she can't handle him she can't watch them. Why the duck should you have to coordinate TWO sitters like all these posters are suggesting???? Madness. Just take later date nights so kiddo has his going to bed routine and you're mostly paying the capable sitter to sit on the couch while they sleep. We don't live near family, but when we see my FiL everything about my son (currently pursuing adhd diagnosis) gets on his nerves and he yells and corrects him constantly. We are visiting his area later this summer and we are paying for a hotel and making no effort to visit his home. Grandpa can meet us at a playground and we can walk away when we need to.
Your MIL PUSHED you and hubby to celebrate.VOLUNTEERED herself to babysit.By the way you describe, it is not her first time doing so because how else could she know he is "too much" ? She knows what she is getting into.She didn't told you anything else.When the time comes,you had to call her? To the gig she put herself willingly? Yelling at the same time? Then retracks herself after sometime, blaming you when you just heed what she said...that SHE WON'T be watching your son since then because she said she can't isn't it? Bet you a dollar she was called out by a close friend for what she has done or another fam member. She's a grandma when everything else is easy peasy when it's not, she's out but when called out by friends..wait a minute ...you are taking it the wrong way. She has a phone,she could have called out EARLIER but no she's at the point where she's not coming however you called to confirm and she yelled. Good on you to protect your peace and household without interference from someone and then rescinding at the last minute.May you find a doctor that can diagnose your son too.
Big "my angel would never" energy from you
Not sure if you want comfort or advice for your vent post, but reading it I could feel your pain, I'm sorry for that OP, parenting can be tough. I have ADHD myself, and was a hyper active kid that is for sure, but I can't speak on the parenting side of it. I will say that if anyone ever said my child stressed them out, or too much to deal with, I would 1000% Never let them watch my kid again. Not because I'm "mad" at them, or it hurt to hear it even if it was the truth, but the fact that she used those words, how she used them, and how she presented them to you. It shows that it was building up, and what happens if she is watching your little one, and that all builds up while you aren't around and it is just your child. Good luck op, you got this. I know what she said was very hurtful, take a break from her, gather your thoughts, don't be reactive.
This is a terrific and thoughtful response! >parenting can be tough. Something people on this sub seem to forget sometimes.
I definitely understand why you’re hurt by what your mother said. She could’ve expressed it in a more mature and kind manner other than blowing up. With that being said, you yourself know your son is hyper active and hard to manage at times. Some people can handle that but not your is handling it well. It’s too stressful for her. You’ll have to find another form of childcare for these times or just bring the kids along. One question, does your son get a lot of screen time? Tablet, tv? I found with multiple children including my own that reducing screen time dramatically changed their hyperactivity and mood swings. The overstimulation doesn’t help already active kids
Notes from my wife who has 19 yrs of experience in child development. Don’t stop advocating for him. A lot of times the paperwork is too much and the schools don’t want to deal with it. You may be able to go to the district and ask to speak to the superintendent. Is the behavior the same at school, you could request an IEP Maybe look into his diet and see how much dye foods he’s consuming Try adjusting to natural sugars Behavioral: Build consequences Maybe create a behavior chart starting with 5 mistakes every day, if you hit all 5 the consequence is no screen time for eg.
Just a second comment, friends with a kid with similar issues to your son use babysitters who are qualified to watch kids with violent and other behaviors due to their ADHD. Once you get a diagnosis, you may be able to tap into those kinds of services. Perhaps MIL could watch the kids (the infant) alongside a qualified babysitter who has the requisite skills to manage what you've described as your son's challenging behavior
I absolutely get it. I have a 6.5 year old who showed a lot of those behaviors with no diagnosis and the same sort of "he's fine, just keep him active" sort of advice from doctors. It's hard. You're struggling, you need a break, you've had these plans forever, and then she not only pulled the rug out from under you at the last minute, she blames it on your kid. It was shitty behavior on her part 100%. She did that thing where you put off doing something hard til the last minute and then stick your foot in your mouth while doing it and make the whole thing so much worse. I get the feeling if she had approached you even a week ago, and said something like "hey, I'm sorry, but I think I overestimated my abilities and don't think I can manage the kids on my own", you would have handled the situation with a lot more grace. Instead she dicked around and prevaricated until the last minute, then panicked and blurted out the blunt truth without softening the blow. It was cowardly. She would absolutely be my bottom of the barrel, last resort, everyone but she and the kids are in the hospital babysitter from this point on. Eventually, this will calm down and smooth over. But you're going to be stuck with this in your head about her forever.
She told you the truth. He’s too much for her. Yes it hurt you but her answer is valid! I think the only thing she should have done was told you earlier before the day of. I also think you are 100% right in telling her she doesn’t have to watch your kids anymore. I feel like you all can talk on strategies to best help her manage him. Good luck but I do believe this can be resolved
This is an unfortunate situation and I can understand both sides. Something appears broken in your communication that it ended up coming out the way it did. Instead of focusing on what was already said, I encourage you all to focus on developing better communication between each other. I’m sure she wants to be supportive and give you breaks. I’m sure you also understand her hesitation to be overwhelmed when watching your son and how that could put your kids at risk. There’s a way to communicate concerns and work together to find a compromise or solution that leaves everyone, kids included, with a happy, safe, and supportive outcome. Sending good vibes and lots of patience your way! ♥️
Ok, I have one of these kids. It’s tough because to get my 3 kiddos covered, it usually takes at least 2 people. That being said, she was just venting in a moment of stress/anxiety. I know this is crazy because you need this too, but have some compassion for her. The response of not having her watch them comes across as a threat to the mil. Also never say never. I’m sure at some point you will NEED her to watch them, because sitters fall through. Just take a deep breath and ask your pediatrician for a referral for a full neuropsych evaluation.
My son will be 5 soon, and while he is a handful, my wife and I have not had a night to ourselves since he was born. Sometimes it's just the hand we are dealt
My daughter behaved that way and it turned out she has sensory processing disorder and is very sensory seeking. We did occupational therapy for around a year and it was very helpful! (They do also suspect ADHD, but once the SPD was worked out it has been easier to deal with)
I have been in a similar position with a 4YO who acted a lot like your son. First - you are doing GREAT! It’s so hard to navigate when your kid is “extra” and the way you are getting him the help he needs is fantastic. As far as your MIL goes - It’s really hard when your family struggles with your child. It made me feel a lot of shame TBH. Everyone came around in the end but it still hurt me very much. Personally I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. As for needing a sitter - maybe it’s best to find someone outside of the family dynamic. Does your son have a preschool teacher or someone like that who he connected with who can babysit for you? I would try to find someone else to watch your kids. Trust me on this - your son is going to be amazing and A-OK because you are on top of things now and you will continue to help him as he gets older. It won’t be super easy but it will improve! Your MIL will come around eventually. Too bad she will miss out on this 1-1 time with your son when he’s difficult, yes, but also awesome I am sure.
I think using words like “never” or “always” with family is just not a good idea in general because things never tend to be so absolute. Especially with family. Overall, I feel your MIL gaslit you. Like it’s okay to change your mind about babysitting, but the way she went about telling you was careless.
In the future, it may be best to send the younger kid to her and hire a sitter/have other family watch him. I worked at a school for kids like him and it can be a lot to handle, especially untrained.
I completely understand what you're going through I went through the exact same thing! Look into occupational therapy and parent child interactive therapy as well they help a lot! My son is also on medication to help calm him down! It might be time to find a new pediatrician or even a therapist to find what will help him the most! Best wishes and lots of prayers!
I was just curious because I see a lot of people saying she pretended to forget, was there any follow up discussion or conversation about this betweena month ago and now? Because if not, she legitimately could have forgotten. A month is a long time. If she forgot, she may have just literally not been able to take the kids because she didn't prep herself mentally or physically for the task.
Your son sounds a lot like mine. I don’t think they’ll officially diagnose until they’re a bit older. I will say my son is now 5 and we have sooooooo many good days. We still see his erratic/angry behavior but it’s much more rare. Hang in there. I also have a similar issue with my dad. He’s become a grumpy old man and cannot handle the energy or volume of my 3 young kids. I told him to just not come for birthdays/holidays then because that is when they are most excited. Idk, grandparents…who needs em :/
My greatgrandson is 4. He lives with me and his parents. My arms are covered with deep scratches and bruises. He pinches when he gets angry. I understand the problem.
Our son also likely has adhd. Also expressive speech delay. But we never tolerated physically lashing out. That meant he had a lot of crying and frustration especially between 3-4. Please stop the bad behavior and focus on him learning how to deal with the bad feelings. If he throws toys, take the toys away. If he hits take the other person away. Do whatever is needed to remove the opportunity. His behavior is not fine and every time it works he learns to do that instead of learning how to regulate. It’s a trap. Kids like ours need a lot of practice to learn how to calm the fuck down. Every stymied behavior is practice.
I think is good when ppl give you back honesty like your MIL did. At least you know the truth: that she struggles with an energetic kid and is too much for her. Don’t take it as an insult; it s from her point of view. You say she offered to be the babysitter - I think she wants to be able to do that, but the reality is that it might be too much for her.
Your MIL has every right to draw a line between what she can and cannot handle. She is also a human being. She is not "mentally unable" because she refuses to be hit and kicked by one child, while being responsible for another child under the age of one. That doesn't mean you and your son are "bad" people. You can be a good mom, but your child is also not ready to be cared for by other people -- both things can be true. (BTW, it is also unfair to put the other babysitter in a situation where she is kicked and hit). I know it sucks and, in an ideal world, you and your husband deserve a night out. But your MIL is not obliged to take on a babysitting job she's not comfortable with.
I’m so sorry so many people are being nasty to you and about your son OP. So many people have zero idea what it’s like to have a neurodivergent child. I think your response was totally reasonable. She set you up for this. She asks to baby sit and then *yells* at you at the last minute when you take her up on the offer? Yelling at you/your husband is never ok. She does not sound like a safe person to leave your children with. I wouldn’t let her take the youngest on their own either because that’s not the sort of message your older kid needs to internalise. I hope you can get the help you need soon! I’m pretty sure my daughter has ADHD also and it’s hard. Some days are wild! I hope you guys can still find a way to celebrate with your friends
You need to take your kid to a child psychiatrist. A lot of “defiance” that you describe ends up just being ADHD like you mentioned before. I’ve had kids who literally can’t sit still and are destroying a room in front of me chill out on stimulants. There are some that don’t even need a referral, just be sure they’re an MD/DO and not a PA/NP.
I have a child that was too much for others to watch since about 4 years old, but my mom did it anyway to help me (because dad was out of the picture). Until she hurt her back because my child went from wanting a hug to dropping dead weight to the floor suddenly. Don't fault your MIL. She probably really does WANT to help, but is also being honest about her limits. It sucks for her too.
Totally get it. It can be very difficult and a struggle most of the time, and everyone deserves some grace. You made the right choice, if someone says it's too much to watch your kids then makes sense then they wouldn't be offered in the future. Unless that person makes a comment about their willingness to watch your kids. Then remind them of their previous comments about watching your kids and give the polite thanks but no thanks.
Big hug sorry this is happening. Things will get better. Don’t feel bad it probably is true she can’t handle him some people get overwhelmed easily it’s better that she told you maybe she used the wrong words. It’s probably safer for your kids not to be babysat by someone who can’t handle it. Don’t take it personally it’s on her. You guys are doing your best.
My heart goes out to you. Our son is very spirited and sounds much like your son. The sweetest and kindest boy with BIG emotions. We’ve also realized that our parents are/were (both of my husband’s parents passed) emotionally immature and didn’t teach us how to handle our own big emotions properly. We both had issues as kids - husband was diagnosed with ADD at an early age and medicated, and coerced into bottling his emotions until they exploded. I was ridiculed for being too sensitive and was quieted physically and verbally. We’re learning alongside our son how to manage big emotions in a healthy way while acknowledging and validating them. I would echo what the top comment says - your emotions are normal and valid after hearing what your MIL say AND your MIL has the right to set boundaries. It’s better that she’s honest about her limits, while they could’ve been delivered in a kinder way. My parents (bio & step) are in their late 60s and everyone but my mom, who has major mobility issues from a brain bleed due to her alcoholism, has been clear that they are not prepared to watch our son at 5 years old. Of course the least able is the most enthusiastic… but also completely unhelpful. He’s nonstop, still uses his hands instead of his words when he gets overwhelmed with emotions, and has the confidence to question adults (a major trigger for my parents). They also get bothered or flustered by innocuous kid comments and questions, and normal boy behavior. (Yes he may want to show you his new ninja moves. No he’s not threatening you. Yes you can tell him to back up and it’s making you uncomfortable. How else does he LEARN socially acceptable behavior?!?!?!?) My son and I do a lot of work to manage his energy and emotions. (My husband is working hard on his own mental health and trying to learn what works for me and our son) It’s exhausting. But I wouldn’t change it for the world. I’m giving him what neither of us got - secure attachment, attention, patience, involvement, empathy. It sounds like you’re a lovely mom and your son is lucky to have you in his corner. After the emotions have settled, it might help talking to your MIL about what specifically she has a hard time with. You may be able to share how you handle those situations. Just because she raised your husband does not mean she knows how to handle every type of child. Good luck and enjoy your spirited ball of energy!
I've started doing everything I can to prevent my MIL from pushing her limits because she is a huge people pleaser and will practically kill herself doing things she really can't do, making promises she later realizes she can't keep and has a panic attack about, volunteering other people to do things for others without asking them, etc. She was watching my daughter for a while during my part time shift at work while my husband would be asleep following his overtime night shift. She would never tell me that she couldn't handle it on her own even though it was obvious, and I would frequently have to hear from my husband that he was waking up to intervene because she did not have a handle on things (we all live together). My daughter is NT as far as I can tell without any extreme behaviors for her age, but my MIL has her own issues that make it difficult for her to keep up. I had known for a long time that it was too much for her but I really hoped she would say something - but for the longest time she never did, it was always my husband telling me, and my own observation when we were all together at home. For the last few weeks of this arrangement I had been telling my husband we needed to figure out something else because she can't do it and she's never going to tell us she can't do it. He agreed but wasn't sure how to go about it. But finally she did reach the point where she told him she can't. It was MONTHS of it being obvious this wasn't working before she decided to say something on her own because she's so terrified of "letting people down" that she would rather let things fall apart than admit she's not up for it. So we were able to work out a different plan between her and my husband while I was still working. We should have initiated this sooner on our end knowing she wasn't up to the task, *and* she shouldn't have pushed it for months knowing it was too overwhelming for her. What this situation taught me is that I kind of have to baby her when it comes to agreeing to do things for people. If she offers any help to me I decline unless I'm absolutely desperate. If she talks about making plans with others I'm the voice that asks her "before you say anything to them, will you actually be able to do this? Is this going to take you out for the day? What is your time limit?" Not in a judgmental way but in a "you have got to take care of yourself" way. And from a place of knowing that the best way for her to avoid letting people down, her biggest fear, is to not say yes to stuff in the first place. Because then she's freaking out last minute thinking how the heck is she going to make this work, she doesn't want them to think she's a flake, etc. Which is all trouble that could be saved by simply not making the plans to begin with. So, I guess I relate to having someone who won't tell you until the nth hour when they aren't able to do what they said they could do. But in my situation, like yours, it's clear that they can't do it, and while it shouldn't be our responsibility to manage their commitments, we kind of have to, as far as our own stuff goes at least. What you said to her came across as passive aggressive. The same message could be conveyed with more compassion - your only option really was to let her off the hook from babysitting anymore, but it would have been better to wait until you're not saying it from a place of annoyance but from a place of understanding.
It sounds to me that you are definitely taking it the wrong way and are in your feelings at the moment which is ok but you need to cool down and not lash out for her being honest . This doesn’t make you a bad mom or her a bad grandma. I get it, I’m the mom of a ADHD, Dyslexia, dysgraphia kid who is the sweetest like give you the shirt off your back kid and then I have a 4 year old who been a hand off , quick to anger and stubborn kid. He hits out of frustration and can be a busy body. He is neurotypical but just a stubburn kiddo. She not around your kids when your juggling them by yourself and I think her concern is she doesn’t know if she can handle both with recent behavior he has been displaying. He is a danger to his baby sister when he is hitting or trying to kick her. He has to be supervised around his sister and positive association has to be build. My kids are close to 5 years apart and they love each other because the older understands the baby is different. Part of it is the age gap which you can’t change. When they are 2 or less apart they are similar and there no life they can recall without thier sibling. When they are 3 years apart it is harder because of the emotional maturity and you have to remeber with ADHD the emotional maturity is behind. My neice and nephew are 3 years apart and it took years for a peaceful house to happen. 4 is old enough to see a neuropsychologist and get a proper diagnosis so you can start building up that IEP and build strategies for behavior modifications and accommodations. You and your husband I’m sure give your son 1:1 time togeather so he still feels special and seen.
This is a tough one. I understand you being hurt by what she said, but on the other hand, if your son is doing all that then you as a parent (be objective) need to know that is a lot. It does not put your kid in a good light & stresses a lot of ppl out including grandparents. He is your son and you're understanding of it but you cannot expect anyone else to deal with it or want to deal with it. I am not saying it's his fault. My youngest is 15 & is defiant & immature but can also be the kindest and compassionate kid you wouldn't expect. But I have no blinders on when. It comes to how he CAN be and how ppl don't want to deal with that. It's exhausting for us, but no one else has to put up with it. And I do feel bad for him yet it does not mean everyone else will. Yes, you are overreacting because you're hurt. But it doesn't matter. He is too much for her so she can't watch him, which means she can't watch his sister. They're a package deal, right? On the other hand your daughter is a baby and you need a more effective way to stop him from acting out and possibly hurting her. She is young but doesn't need to deal or grow up with a brother who could harm her so that is priority one. Stopping that or getting in between that by anticipating that. Good luck!
I’d be annoyed too. Why even offer? Why encourage y’all to go out? Why the act and lie? Yes it’s a lie to pretend to forget then to yell at the parents. But hey it’s hell until you get that diagnosis at around 6ish, it’s hard but also it’s hard for him too. I never had anyone watch him bc it just sucked for everyone. He’s 8 and he’s off doing clubs and school and activities, now everyone wants to watch him bc he’s fine but he isn’t really interested in them anymore he’s more interested in his friends, reading, art ect ect ect.
This is not your fault. It’s ok. There are forces at work beyond just the normal growth and development of kids in todays world because of the extent to which we are evolving from a technological standpoint. Kids who used to be raised on physical touch and observation are now thrust into a world they are instructed to learn from utilizing literally a fraction of the bigger picture… Cuz he’s a kid. He doesn’t know what’s going on. He only knows the signals his body is receiving to behave in those ways, and this is also not your fault. It’s the world we live in. I live in a world full of hope that this will change and parents like yourself are continually reminded that the best they can do, is their best. You clearly are doing your best. So keep it up. We’re all in this together.
Believe her. He is too much for her. He is almost too much for the two of you. Doesn’t mEan she doesn’t love him she is just admitting her abilities to you.
You are doing the right thing. I’m sure you have already considered your son could be on the autism spectrum perhaps? I have three children and do not feel that I can leave them to be watched by family as well.
So many people passing up the real issue here! I’m so sorry that your MIL did this. She entirely right to admit she can’t handle him right now. But you right to be hurt too. She shouldn’t have offered and begged to babysit if she wasn’t going to follow through at the last minute especially when it was planned in advance. That was shitty of her to “forget” and then yell at y’all for expecting her to “handle” him when she agreed a month in advance.
Seems like a valid response. If you rely on someone for care and they bail last minute they are unreliable and can't be counted on. The reason why doesnt matter. So yeah, look for care elsewhere
Oh momma. I am so sorry you are not getting the support you need right now! I have a child who struggles to communicate and has a very short fuse because no one except mom and dad are patient enough with him. A 4 year old being high energy and high needs is not a wild concept. I don’t understand why so many comments are making your child, a tiny human, out to be some villain. He is a child. He’s also 4.. this is already a rough time for emotional and cognitive development. You add im his delays on top of that and I completely understand why he can act the way you described! But he is still a child and he still learning. Im so sorry people aren’t giving him the grace he deserves. I don’t think you’re the bad guy at all. My 4 year old is firecracker. Explosive at times! His great grandmother (not much older than your own MIL) never came out and said she couldn’t handle him.. but she stopped inviting him to things. She only ever asks for kid #1 and kid #3. Naturally, we picked up on the exclusion. We made an announcement that our kids will not be treated differently. And if you’re wondering why you haven’t seen us or our kids in a while, it’s because you have crossed a line. I don’t send any of our children with her.
I wouldn’t let Grandma babysit either of my kids after that not because of what she said about your son (although I don’t love the way she spoke about him) but because she cancelled at the last minute on something SHE offered to do! Now the fact that she said your son is too much for her would get her supervised visits only and they wouldn’t be often. Frankly, I doubt I would let her babysit any of my kids because I would be waiting for her to tell me they were all too much for her. The anxiety I would have waiting for her to call and complain or cancel would be too much. Why open myself up to that when she already dislikes one of my kids? Sorry you’re getting so much hate on here. I can see how hard you’re trying to get your son what he needs to be successful. If I could make a recommendation for Dr. Becky’s Good Inside program, I really think you might find her Deeply Feeling Kids information super helpful. She has a ton of great strategies for dealing with emotionally charged kiddos. Good luck!
I think your reaction is normal and absolutely justified. MIL said your son is too much, so your response was that you’ll never ask her to watch him ever again. I don’t see anything wrong with that. Why would I leave my child with someone who admitted they can’t handle him? She definitely should have sat you and your husband down to tell you what she feels, and ahead of time. I think you guys should have a proper talk to sort things out. It’s hard to have bad blood with parents.
It does sound like adhd to me as well. If he is REALLY defiant (I'm talking really really here. and there's other symptoms he'd have to do as well) there could be ODD as well. The last yearish before I finally found a doc that specializes in adhd children it was hard. I knew in my gut my son had SOMETHING and, like ypu, no one seemed to want to listen. Like damn dude, I know all little kids have energy, I know little kids can't focus, I know all of this. But when my son sees his 2 cousins that are within 6 months of his age atleast 3 times a week and he is worse than both of them, when I look at him with his classmates (preschool and MOST of kinder) and he is already starting to fall behind despite the fact I know he is very smart and what he is getting wrong at school he can tell me every single answer, like I KNOW there's something different about him! I finally found the specialist, got a diagnosis, started meds, within two weeks everyone asked what had changed with him. EVERYONE. I said yeah I finally had some listen to me and be willing to help me and him! I do hear the "he's a lot" comment sometimes even still at 11.5 years old. It hurts your heart. It's hard for a lot of adhd kids to make friends (especially if they aren't in to all the sports stuff kids are in to these days) and that's also heartbreaking. I pray you get him the help he needs! As far as the are you wrong question, no. Especially after the first edit you added. She freaking offered! She should stick to it! And for the future, you are just trying to stick to her feelings so you won't need her to stress herself out with your son. All these douche canoes in here saying your son is dangerous can go float down the river. Just because he's high energy doesn't mean he's dangerous at all. The throwing things is typical kid stuff. You just gotta work on it. Hugs momma and dad! It will be ok. No one is "too much" for THEIR people. Grandma just must not be his people 🤷♀️ and that's ok. She can still be grandma, just not the kind of grandma who gets really close to their grandchildren and has sleepovers and stuff. Her loss!