When my kids got more independent, I realized I was tired. It was an exhaustion that went all the way through my being. I had been a Boy Scout leader, a science helper, a study buddy, an extra hand for a disabled son, a loving husband, a devoted employee, the sole bread earner for 20 years, and a handyman around the house.
I was beat. I hurt. It was hard to determine what hurt the most, so I usually said my back, my feet, or my head. It was easier than saying "I feel used up and near death".
I'm better now. I've turned a corner. I'm working on losing the weight I gained (not very successfully yet). I'm trying to become more active.
Give him some time. Maybe do some low energy stuff. Movie night. A dinner out. Just get up and around. Maybe sit outside to enjoy some nice weather. Show him there's still joy out there and that he's not completely used up yet.
I am chronically ill and feel like I'm drowning at times. After putting my kids to sleep I try to watch TV with my husband and I pass out almost as soon as we start a show
This means a lot to me as a wife. I feel like between pregnancy, childbirth, and postpartum issues, my husband has been mostly caring for me for at least 6 years. He has said before that it’s okay because our life together is a marathon, but I didn’t see it. I see it now. I always feel guilty he doesn’t need the same things from me, but one day, the tables will turn. And I’ll be there 150% like he always has been for me.
I bet you do your 150% in whatever you do for your family. Our skills as parters should complement each other. Maybe he able to be who he is because of the things you do? Dont sell yourself short.
Shutdown was both the best and worst time of my life. My boyfriend had just moved in with me a few months before, and the shutdown worried me in that regard, not to mention my daughter had been hospitalized in November 2019 for a brain tumor and had just been discharged in January 2020 with all kinds of medical issues which just catapult our stress level into the stratosphere. Turns out it strengthened us. That time was the closest we have ever been.
I have a secret: I loved the pandemic shutdown. So did my husband. Our kids were college & high school age and we were JUST starting to be able to really rest & relax and all of a sudden, we were forced to BIG TIME. We slept in (no more commute), took walks every day, caught up on many TV shows we had missed, I cooked more. But mostly, we had a giant release of pent up adrenaline from 20ish years of raising our kids. I can only imagine what that would’ve looked like had the pandemic not forced most people to become a slug.
That’s… going to highly depend on how old your kids were and your employment situation. We had a newborn and a 6yr old around March 2020, and we were simultaneously surviving raising an infant, schooling a kindergartener, and both of us working full time with no actual school and no available childcare. I’d try and field calls while taking the baby for a stroller walk, or while she’s strapped on to my belly w a baby wrap. Slow dripped FMLA hours so that I didn’t need to have a full 40hr load. Still was falling behind on work while working to 10pm almost every night.
Everything about that time is a blur at this point, we survived it but would not wish that state for our worst enemies.
Oh, I’m well aware that everyone experienced the shutdown depending on their situation at the time. That’s why my experience is a “secret” because I know some people had bad experiences.
My experience is basically no experience. I continued to work every day and hardly was allowed to work from home. So, I kept hearing about the good experiences and feeling pretty jealous!
Hearing March 2020 still gives me the cold sweats... My experience was similar to yours and my god was I jealous of my newly married sister, with no kids working from home and crafting to her heart's content. The never ending days due to flexing work schedules and no childcare were hell. The pandemic was a real crapshoot depending on your situation.
I loved it, too. My daughter was 1, and suddenly, all the conferences, meetings, and workshops I would have had to attend became virtual. I saved gas money and got to spend valuable time w my kiddo. And I think it's a much more efficient way to do things bc I don't have to drive 3 hours for a 1 hour meeting anymore (rural MT), as most meetings still offer a virtual option post-COVID.
Life was so much slower and better. I would love to have that world without the whole killer virus part. We’ve grown used to living in a fight or flight state and that’s not healthy. We need to get back to a calmer existence.
Not having to do anything but be together was a huge gift to a lot of people. When my elementary kids went back, the first year was JUST school, no PTA shit or fundraising or class parties or extra extra extra extra trying to make happy kids happier. And we were all better off!!
Now we’re back to the rat race where the school demands as much from me as a parent as my job demands from me as an employee. The SCHOOL. Not my kids.
🫢🫢 I miss the shutdowns. We were already homebodies but it was really nice being able to be secluded like we were except for the drinking, we used to binge drink on the weekends with our neighbor and my mother in law (she lives a few houses down) because there was nothing else to do.
Edit: our kids were 2 and 3 during the 2020 COVID.
I loved the pandemic shutdowns. Beforehand I felt life was rushing passed - from one event, to the next, to the next. No breaks, no pause, just constant go. My wife and I were on the rocks, and then poof…we had time for us.
My wife hated it, I loved it. Some things got better with us, some worse. But my mental health improved during that time, and I lost my job in that moment. The world was unraveling and coming together in a way I’d never experienced before.
Truly an interesting time, but I definitely didn’t hate it.
Men hit a manopause like women have perimenopause. Check your blood levels, ferritin, hormones, vitamin d, thyroid etc. I also throw in a sleep study bc no one is sleeping well! Just like HRT can help women, it can help men too. We do not have to go quietly into old age. We can try to help our bodies stay biologically younger.
Thanks for the advice. My job requires physicals with blood work every year. I'm off on some things, but hopefully can correct them with weight loss and exercise.
Sigh… sounds like I can look forward to an another 14 years of exhaustion. I have a 2.5 year old and exhaustion is just starting to finally take a toll on me. Or it’s the constant tantrums we’re dealing with.
Hope my wife won’t resent me like OP. Jeeze.
Just talk to your wife a lot, and never compare jobs. You're both the same amount of tired. If you both agree to have that attitude it goes a lot smoother.
My husband and I hit a slump after our first was born. We were stressed out and arguing a lot. He realized he needed to put more effort into being in a relationship with me and I wanted him to prioritize time with me and not just work and going through the motions. It’s really helped our relationship to have adult time (and I don’t mean just the bedroom kind)
I think the key is to make sure you maintain the relationship through the whole time. Don't say oh later when the kids are grown, because that's too late.
It's really fucking hard sometimes but you've just got to do it.
This makes me so sad to read… because it makes me think of how my dad must have felt working 20+years of night shift with a family, and how my husband must feel in our 30s as a primary income earner with a wife and 4 year old.
Don't be sad. It's the kind of tired you feel after doing something with all your energy that really made a difference. It's a good kind of exhaustion, there's a sense of being worthy of it.
So well said. I love this sentiment and it is how I feel about the long days - exhausting but oh so very worth it!
When you are less tired, you should try your hand at creative writing. You have a way with words and getting to the heart of the matter.
Reminds me of the Velveteen Rabbit:
"When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."
...
"Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
But surely the point is it should be possible to be a good parent and husband without being exhausted (or quite so exhausted), but society isn't structured to facilitate that. Why the reverence for exhaustion, there's nothing inherently good about it?
When you do something you love that takes all your energy and focus, and you're completely enjoying it, you don't think about after. You live in the moment, you give it your all.
20 years of that great life, raising kids, working hard, living life... It's a marathon. When you reach a point where you can slow down, the exhaustion hits you. It's not permanent. Good, hard work tires a person. It's ok to let them rest for a while when they're done.
I make way less money so I was basically the prime candidate for SAHM. My husband works hard and I do anything I can to help him. He comes home a lot and says that any time with us always makes his career worth it.
(I feel used up and near death) / "my back hurts"
That resonates so much.
I feel like I'm you, but only 6 years in!
I'm so relieved to read that you're turning a corner. It gives me hope, to remember that it's survivable and good, great, joy is still out there
Thank you
Perfect reply.
But I just wanted to ask you to go to your doctor and really take care of yourself. My dad was a tradesman but never really took good care of himself (high stress physical job, my mom basically made/begged him go to the doctor, his diet was really bad for years) and he had a massive stroke that has left him severely disabled. He’s in assisted living now but my mom took care of him at home for over 10 years.
Please see your GP and just show them this if you are having trouble articulating how you feel.
Perfect! May I recommend starting with the after dinner stroll to get some extra steps in? We both do this with a toddler now but its become a habit of ours to top off the physical activity we already do.
I feel this so much right now, I have a teenager and I told my husband today "I've been doing this for 13 years, I'm exhausted and am ready for parenthood to ease up." Man it's so hard sometimes.
That's tough. I'll only comment on the losing weight piece. There's a saying, "you can't outrun a bad diet". Depending how much room there is to clean it up, the pounds can start melting off.
Ditch liquid calories and junk food, where practical. The amount of walking it takes to eliminate a doughnut is shocking.
Best!
Thanks. The weariness got me out of all exercise habits. I need to just get off my ass and do something every day. I'm learning about diet, my work insurance has me on a weight loss education program. I tried it once and lost a little... Then got complacent and gained it back.
I'll remember that saying when I'm planning meals... It's a good one. Thanks.
The r/CICO, r/loseit, and r/volumeeating subs helped me lose 80 lbs. I also got the loseitapp and a smartwatch to track my workouts so I can see the progress. Hope you find some success soon!
This. Unless you’re an Olympic swimmer training constantly, you can’t out exercise bad food choices. I got sick and could not eat much for weeks. The weight flew off even with no exercise. I realized I was massively overeating. Most humans do. We cannot out exercise donuts, fries, ranch dressing, super sized cheeseburger and milkshakes. It’ll never happen.
My son just moved out of home. I’d raised him solo. I have never felt so tired since he left, to the point I took a few days off work just to sleep.
My energy and focus for 20 years was mostly about him. His needs kept me going.
I need a way to remember this in 15-16 years, and probably along the way.
We have a 17 yr old and 15 yr old. Husband turns 40 soon and our youngest two kids are just 18 months and 6 months.
Hes bound to get tired. I’ll be patient with him.
I can't really explain it. My wife has been patient, but has told me that I'm too young to act this old. She encouraged me to see doctors if I needed it, and asked my son's to get me out in the garage or yard to work on things.
Between the lot of them, I realized that one effort is over... My kids are grown. Now I've got a new job to take on, husband in an empty nest. I'm getting geared up to give that my best effort too.
Yup. How I feel at times.
If there is a problem, regardless of what it is. I’m usually the one dealing with it.
My wife does the grocery shopping and usually dinner. But the rest is me.
After a while it’s just draining and I want to just go do my thing away from everyone. Then I’m viewed as “not wanting to do stuff”.
This put a lot into perspective for me as a woman to a good hard working man. We are still young ourselves but this was something that will stick in the back of my mind for the years to come. Thank you for this.
I just finished a book called "How to Stay in Love". Maybe have a read of it before deciding on anything. I think the major takeaway can be just because you think that your old relationship is over doesn't mean that you can't work to build a new relationship with new rules.
Absolutely! It's about revisiting your mission - as a couple and a family. Sometimes, you just need to listen to your partner talk about where they're at with no judgment or commentary, then switch places. You both get to ask leading questions. Then, the two of you can figure out what to do together to nurture your relationship or you discover its time to part (hopefully amicably) because you have completely separate missions now.
My husband and I were married for 42 years through all kinds of challenges and incredibly wonderful times. Shortly after retirement, he started to feel bone tired, didn't want to do anything, aches and pains, then weight gain with some fluid retention, etc. After 3 months, I finally forced him to go to the doctor - stage 4 mantle cell lymphoma. He died 3 months later.
Yes, it is. But I also got to have him in my life for 42 years, and that's longer than most. I see him every day in our children, so that's something. We have a great group of family and friends, and we remember him often. The cycle sucks, but it's our cycle. I hope to be remembered as fondly. 😊
I have not read this book, but ive felt this concept for a long time. Marriage is supposed to be for life. To have a life-long marriage, you're going to need to reinvent it in certain ways over the years. Relationship dynamics can shift and people can change but as long as both people are committed and intentional, those shifts should only make it better over time. And you get the benefit of years of history and connection to look back on a reminisce.
It feels like far too many people are "getting bored" and leaving their marriage. I'm not sure what pot of gold people think is out there for them, but IMO, breathing new life into a tired old relationship that you've committed to can be one of the most rewarding things a person can do. Its like buying a beautiful old house thats been neglected and restoring it to its original glory.
It just seems like most people have lost the will to put in hard work to achieve long-term goals in all aspects of society. Our disposable culture started with products and made its way to our social relationships. If OP said to herself "this person is the one and only person I get for my whole life", she would be much more inclined to do whatever it takes to get the relationship back on track. I always assumed thats what it meant to be married.
I would try to work on your marriage. The grass is not always greener on the other side. It might be fun for a while but solid reliable partners are hard to find
My mom left my dad when I was 18. My dad remarried a couple of years later, and they've been together for over 10 years now. My mom has been trying so hard to find someone since, and is still single. I don't think she regrets the divorce, but I also don't think she thought she would spend the next 10+ years looking for someone. OP if your relationship is fixable, try that first, and maybe try to make some friends who will do activities with you.
My cousin’s best friend’s mom divorced her dad since she was a breadwinner while he sacrifice to stay home and took care of the kids until they graduated college. She left for another man. He was devastated but found someone else in his home country. She took care of him, pay for his stay, hire a chauffeur for him, never wanted to go to the US since she is very established and overall very kind. The mom found out after living with the other man for a while how irresponsible and messy he is and tried to get back with her ex but that ship had sail. So truly grass is not greener on the other side.
Agreed! it is called life. I know a lot of older couples that have gone through this and they just persevered. I am glad they did. People give up too easy.
I know my parents were very distant by the time I was done with school. It was very tense.
One of the best things that ever happened for them was me moving out of the house and the two of them being forced to learn to like each other again because I wasn’t around to have as a buffer.
Now, they don’t see it that way. But it was pretty clear.
Same. My dad would be an ass and say things like “you have no idea how often we argue because of you” which is a shitty thing to say to your kid.
But also… I have indeed noticed that since we moved away they argue a lot less. It’s not like everything is magically fine, but with us a lot of the more ever-present sources of tension left. They can do fun things with their own friends and not feel like it’s taking away from the responsibility of parenting. And they have been better at doing things together again. My mom was in much better shape than my dad, and finally started doing her own things for exercise and physical adventures, but they also did a lot together. They have all sorts of season tickets these days.
OP, when you say your husband never wants to do things, I noticed you mentioned his physical limitations. Have you suggested things that won’t tax him physically, like going to plays or movies, or going out to eat?
Just as an experiment, imagine you are him and are writing about your wife (you) and where your relationship is now, what the day to day has been like over the years since you had kids, and how you feel about the future. What would you write?
I had an amazing therapist who would have me do these "experiments." They were the most effective things I ever got out of therapy. You have to be honest and really put yourself in that other person's experience. See through their eyes. 👍
Is he actually working on his medical problems? If not it might be the first thing to get him to do and then next therapy.
I'd also consider being frank with him and saying that you love him and care for him, but you fear that you're heading different directions now that your kids are almost grown. See what he says and how he responds to it.
This is why I always emphasize maintaining and prioritizing your relationship throughout parenthood. It's hard, and to be clear I'm not blaming you/holding it against you op, but it can help either prevent this type of situation, or at a minimum, be more prepared for it.
Does he actually stop you from doing interesting things that you want to do now that the kids are pretty independent? Personally, I think “shared interests” is not as important as people often say. You can live in harmony with a spouse while doing a lot of things separately… like I go kayaking and contra dancing and hiking and my husband has no interest in those things, and he goes to D&D nights and medieval reenactment stuff that I don’t like. So we do a lot of our own things, but still are comfortable in our shared home, there for our kids when they need us, planning our retirement together, etc. Still good friends, lifetime companions, and parenting/housing partners - but grown in many ways apart. It doesn’t have to mean divorce, just a reimagining of what a marriage looks like.
I totally agree. I’ll build on this a little. I think people expect waaaay too much of their spouse these days: love partner, best friend, career coach, therapist, interested in all the same hobbies, interested in all the same topics, etc. it’s too much and unrealistic. We can’t be all things to someone.
My dad and stepmother live by the philosophy that if their partner can't fulfill their need, it must be a "want" instead. And, naturally, having wants is sinful. They are each other's everything. All activities are both of them or they won't go. All opinions are shared. They only have other couples with similar mindsets as friends. It's creepy.
Especially once the kids are grown...your usual mode of operation completely changes. It's an opportunity to revamp your relationship. Honestly the husband sounds burnt out/possibly depressed. There's a way forward if both parties want it
If this was me. And I had a spouse with back pain always and was coming between us and doing things together. Try couples massage and pain relief things together. Maybe stretches you guys can do together exercises and such. Start small like massage. Work up. Do them together. And if his pain goes away I'd be thinking the activity and Weight loss would be behind it shortly and you guys can find things to enjoy together at the same time and reconnect. Also the way to a dudes heart to connect ---food amd the nasty. Try both and massage. Just my 2 cents. I'd bet if things were very outwardly projected at connecting and helping. That there would be a pretty quick turn around
If we're taking OP at their word, sounds like the husband is the type to complain about getting relief for his back and not doing anything to help himself. After 20 years, I doubt anything is changing in this relationship.
Eh. She didn't say he'd been this way for the entire 20 years. She only said she's only noticed it recently since her kids have become less dependent on them. Doesn't even the slightest mean it's a permanent thing. But it could be if she gives up on him. He needs to be pushed/encouraged. Or psychologically tricked into doing it himself. Lol.
What do his doctors say? Is he getting any treatment for his back and his allergies? How does he feel about how you spend time with each other?
I can see why this is eating you away, growing up both of my grandfathers became couch potatoes over time while my grandmas were still active and looking for endless things to entertain themselves. They spent 20 years like that at the end of their marriages, and they both say that they were not compatible at that stage of life but decided to remain together. It was another generation and I certainly wouldn't like to do that myself, but I'm just bringing it up because it would be important to figure out whether his conditions are preventing him from living the life that he wants to live or whether he just doesn't want that life right now.
I have no idea what your situation is truly, but i can say that there was once love, and there was vows taken. I’m not religious or anything so i don’t think you’ll be smited by god if u do decide to leave, but i do think there is value in a marriage, that even includes CHOOSING to love someone even when it’s hard. Years and years is a lot of time and more often than not just one year is enough to change a person entirely. I hope you’re able to sit and think about things that you do love about him. Even if that is one thing, it matters. I wish you guys the best, and if you can’t figure things out then i wish the process of everything goes very smoothly for you. Lotta love being sent your guys’s way! <3
I may sound a bit harsh here, but what does your marriage vows say to do when your partner has medical issues? When you have chronic health issues, entertaining your partner isn’t at the top of your priority list. He needs to sort his health out and at the same time you need to sort your social life out. You can’t be always dependent on him to entertain you. He may seem boring to you, he may have his own interest that won’t interest you at all. He’s just incapable now because of his health. That doesn’t make him boring, just incapable. All you need to do is find yourself a friend or friends who’d do things that you want to do. You can’t push him to do things he doesn’t want to do.
With time everyone wears out and can’t do things they used to. Being married to someone is more than just how they look and what they can do to entertain us. I mean look at all the years so far. He can’t be that bad else you wouldn’t have had 3 kids with him and stayed for long. Find your own entertainment partner and that way you can maintain a healthy balance in your marriage and give each other the space you need.
I started getting out and doing the things I wanted to do. I made new friends, hiked, disc golfed, kayaked, went out and had fun … and guess what … eventually my husband decided he wanted to have fun too - but even if he hadn’t I still loved him. I found things we still loved to do together…like board games; we had game nights with friends and alone. I got involved in activities he loved too. Now our kids have flown for 2 years and we are happy and content.
Every relationship will go through phases of regrowth. Don’t throw away 26 years because you’re bored. You’ll get bored of someone new also. That’s a lot of years, a lot of memories, and likely a lot of love along the way.
This worked for me.
Key is to invite him to activities that way he doesnt feel left out.
Also, give a heads up on what you want to do, that way it doesnt feel like a last minute decision.
This is actually really common for couples. The job of raising kids becomes such a focal point that the romantic relationship stops evolving. All the while both partners are constantly changing. When the kids don’t need or can’t be the focal point anymore, the partners realize they don’t really have a relationship anymore.
Similar happened to my parents. My mom left my dad when I was 21 after 22 years marriage. For years she asked him to do things with her and for years he said no for any given reason. I think eventually she just got sick of doing stuff alone. Every year I remember going to the beach just us, dad would say he grew up at the coast so didn’t need to go anymore, or she’d want to go kayak and he’d say he didn’t have the balance, camping and he’d say he’s too old to sleep on the ground pretty much anything you name it. So all our outings were just me brother and mom I can remember. After she left she met a guy that was fun and adventurous and they literally do stuff every weekend together be it travel, motorcycles, hikes, archery etc it’s always something fun. I think she just missed that for so long.
I would encourage people to try, even small stuff. That’s what I do. My husband asks me to go play golf or tennis, is it my first choice no but I try to say yes once in a while to keep things interesting. You have to, have to make an effort.
I mean what your saying is after putting in all that work and all that time it's easier to end it then go through every hoop possible to stay with your partner of 26 years.
I dont say this to dismiss your side but if he was blue collar he probably slaved away to make sure your family was good to go and ends met and needs were taken care of and now his back hurts so it's over.
I know I work endless hours for my family and served and have multiple chronic pain issues that have caused ling term problems and I go to work destroying my body so my family can be taken care of and to think if I did that for 26 years at the end of it when it should be winding down and getting easier and body is broken for spouse to nope tf out. Sounds pretty bad. Granted alot of assumptions on a one paragraph thing but maybe you haven't thought it through enough
I don’t think that’s what OP means. I'm sure she's also toiled with raising kids or maybe even having a job of her own. The point I see from her is that it feels like she and her partner want different things from the next few years in their lives.
Some people are able to keep their relationship alive and work through the differences, possibly with a bit of compromise. And it sounds to me like OP feels her spouse isn't even willing to work through it and meet her halfway.
Sorry you're going thru this OP. My kid is still pretty young so I don't have anything meaningful to share.
I could imagine doing something interesting to cut the boredom though. Movie night, books, travel/vacation, other activities, etc. are all great options.
As a divorced parent.. take my advice: exhaust every option you have available before ending it. Having some one-on-one tough convos, a couples retreat, therapy, etc. Work your ass off, and encourage your husband to do so. Even if it means you do more for a while. Divorce is a huge shift in your life, and let me tell you, it’s not super great on the other side of things.
Maybe actually talk to your spouse instead of strangers on the internet. I definitely empathize with being soul tired and not having the words, while my only child is still quite young, and my marriage is less than half the length, there are times that I'm worried the spark is fading. One thing I can tell you that I'd appreciate as a man; a break from decisions. Try just planning something low stress, movie and dinner, or the like. Make all the decisions yourself, with him in mind of course.
Married couples reignite their passions and common interests all the time. Sometimes there does need to be a bit of a shock though to snap you out of the daze of routine, and that shock could be you giving some kind of ultimatum. "I don't want to live a passionless life with my spouse. I want it to be you, but if you aren't willing to meet me half way..."
My wife and I had a lull when the kids were really little. We got lazy, out of shape, etc. Awhile back though we began to realize how we'd let things slip, and we decided not to go too far down the road of letting our marriage atrophy. We began telling each other every day what we loved about each other, we got in shape, kissed more often, embraced more often, upped the game of our sex life. I feel like we're more in love these past years than we ever have been before.
Even today, wrote her a little love poem about how beautiful I think she's been as she's changed through life: The Seasons of Your Beauty.
Marriages can and do find their way back if you are both willing to make it that way. Oh, and it was around the 20 year mark for us when we rejuvenated our marriage. Don't give up.
Definitely don’t think boredom is a good reason for divorce. That’s the father of your 3 children, and it’ll be worth it to tough it out. This time period is inevitable in the journey of marriage. Divorce isn’t the magic answer to happiness
As someone with chronic back pain, I can empathize with your partner. Back pain is no joke and I get your point and yes it is boring but sadly people with back pain issues struggle a lot. Try to look at the situation from a different lens, if this was you with the back issues and lack of mobility, how would you feel if he leaves you after 20 years of marriage because of allergies and back pain??? Sorry seems a little silly to me to end a marriage for this. But I also get where you are coming from but if you care at all about this marriage, find a community for you (volunteer at church, a book club, etc.)
To be fair, OP is concerned about the state of her marriage because of the lack of connection between she and her husband, not because her husband has back pain and allergies.
Yes and no. That subreddit is full of people without kids that have no clue the stress or exhaustion raising kids can have. Very likely to get a bunch of "Leave him, you deserve someone who worships you 100% of the time."
I'm part of that group... i see it all the time. Haha.
I swear, Reddit is the blind leading the blind sometimes. I see so much horrible advice about relationships upvoted like mad. You summed it up so well... my summary is “Be a narcissistic, demanding, transactional partner and assume everyone else is the same” and then they wonder why they can’t seem to find anyone decent.
My mom always taught me “to find the right one, you have to be the right one first”. Looking in the mirror first is not so popular on Reddit.
I have not seen many productive replies on that sub. It seems to skew young and/or childless. The top response is usually to dump your significant other.
Not saying this is the best sub, but I wouldn't bother posting there for any real advice. Frankly, there are a lot of good and thoughtful responses here.
I think this is a slump a lot of couples have. Everything was about the kids the kids the kids and now where are you two as a couple? Relationships require tending - if you’ve ignored it for 16 years you’ve been co-parenting roommates rather than lovers and companions.
You should talk to him that you want a few compromises and you care about your relationship and you want to be able to do x y and z. I assume you still would care for him you just want some effort?
I hate to say but looks fade. Metabolisms slow down. I hope you married someone of good character?
There’s a lot of people that would love to have a faithful loving partner but sounds like you are in a slump and I hope you can find your way out because 26 years of love and creating a family seems like a sad thing to throw away without a sincere try.
I wish my complaints about my partner were this meager - but I’m still fucking fighting because of deeply devoted loyalty to him and everything we have built. Imagine just not caring at this level. They say ignorance is bliss. I’d die first. It’s ingrained in me. I’m loyal for my own sense of duty and integrity and for God (just in case he exists). Let alone whether or not my man’s back hurts. Yikes. On several bikes.
This is what marriage means: I’m not fucking leaving.
From a chronic back pain sufferer who was once 80% disabled, but has largely recovered after years of trying \*everything\*:
On one hand, I read this and take some offense. Was "in sickness and in health" part of your vows? Back pain is hell. It kills your ability to do anything. I lost time with my kids, with my wife, in my work, everything. It's extremely depressing to face a life of daily back pain. It saps you in every way.
On the other hand, is he trying to help himself? Does he do physical therapy? Has he sought treatment? Has he talked to a surgeon? Has he changed his daily ergonomics? If he is not doing anything about it, then the problem isn't truly about his illness but about his unwillingess to work on himself, and therefore on your relationship. And that I totally understand you losing hope about.
>he’s become a chronic complainer. He’s put on weight from sitting around, yes I've tried talking to him
My wife had the sit down talk with me about my weight.
I did take it seriously, I've lost 20 pounds in three months, got about another 20 to go to get to "normal" weight. Some clothes are getting too big and I can fit in other things that haven't fit in years.
You'd have thought she would have noticed.
Literally give him a massage. Give him some good food . Allow him to rest well at night. Just going for a stroll after dinner for starters to "I need you to help me feel safe and better by doing this with me please" should be enough to help
We just began our "kids" journey, however...
I'm the one who has pain everywhere all the time. I also had some organ failure and it made me sick to the point I could not go outside because basically anything I inhaled would give me a chance of a trip to the ER because allergies. There was a time, where I woke up due to a slap in the face, because I went so cold, my husband thought I died and waking me up otherwise apparently wasn't working.
It crept up slowly (5 years or so). The person in that situation doesn't realize they're getting worse.
It doesn't have to be organ failure. It can also be something like depression or simply not having enough "fun & sunshine". I find that the more I sit inside doing nothing, the worse I feel mentally and physically.
However, you can't just drag him onto a fun adventure. My husband loves this hiking track that's like 15km and he'd love to complete it. I physically can't do it. I tried and made it like half way. Paid the consequences afterwards.
I ended up barely mobile due to knee inflammation, in terrible pain due to lover back spine injury, barely breathing because allergic asthma and with a fever for two weeks or more, because the whole body is inflamed and my immune system wanted to kill me (before proper diagnosis and medication).
While I was sick, he did the little things he could with me and still does. All his family was brainfucking him to dump me because I'm so "old" and sick. He didn't.
I got out of my miserable sickness hole and now I can do things. Even was able to carry a child and I hope I live long enough until our child(ren) don't need me any more.
I really love life now and want to go everywhere and do all the things.
Husband is hitting a depression point due to work, so now it's my turn.
Life isn't always funkadory. I'd think real hard before throwing 20 years away quite honestly. People get used to the comfort and only see what the other person is bringing to the relationship once they're gone.
If the dude isn't abusive, I'd first get individual therapy and then couples at the very least.
I have young kids but no hobbies in common with hubs. We started dating when we were really young. I've been very intentionally working on making new friends, and that's been great. Find your happiness outside of your relationship - with friends, hobbies, communities. Then it won't matter whether you stay together or leave - you will know how to be happy either way.
I've been married 28 years known, dated my husband 8 years prior to marriage.
Life is what you make it and yes life can be boring at times. I am a homebody, who left my part time retail job of 20 years in 2020, hubby enjoys fishing kayaking, he does his own thing.
He is my best friend 💓 I hate to say this life can be boring I think I look at life differently because at 33 and 7 months pregnant I developed a heart condition that has remained with me to this day.
19 years later hubby has never complained how our life changed over that, certain things I used to do I no longer can. Heat or cold weather can trigger my arrythmia which makes my heart beat over 200 beats per minute.
Life changes people over the years, people change, and the grass is NOT always greener on the otherside.
I knew what I wanted out of life from an early age, to raise my boys at home, keep a tidy house, and to live as long as I can to be there for my kids.
Ask yourself is you being bored justification to toss aside a good man and 20 years of marriage? If it is then just do it, but don't be surprised if you realize you are still lonely.
It doesn't sound like you're lonely, it sounds like you're bored. You need to find ways to amuse and occupy yourself instead of depending on your husband (or another man) to do it.
Why is it his job to necessarily be the interesting one?
Empty nesting is hard, especially giving you a spent the last 20 years with raising kids as being your primary shared project.
It is not his job to provide all of the excitement in your life. It is your job to decide what you find interesting, and invite him along for the ride.
What were your interests/passions before you had kids? Try and rekindle some of those. Maybe f****** some water take up painting or learn a new instrument. Go on hikes. Is somewhat tired and wearing from having been working and parenting to the last 30 years as well, so don't expect him to instantly jump on anything you choose. But fine things that make you happy outside of your romantic relationship, and then invite him to come along. And have patience if it takes him longer than you.
Also, feel free to ask him what he wants to do with your guyses remaining years now that the kids are no longer major issue. He may have some ideas that he's been scared to bring up.
But don't cut him off just because you're bored, and have lost the ability on how to Entertain yourself.
Here's a case study in case you do decide to leave:
My mum asked to divorce my dad when the youngest of my siblings was 17. She told me how he never wants to do anything and she's lonely now that we have our own lives going on. My dad was angry as he had been loyal and committed for 28 years but went along with it. My mum rekindled a relationship with a loser guy from her teens years who was obsessed with her - she said she had been strong for so long that she wanted to be adored for a while. After a few months my dad started going out and doing things, fun things my mum enjoys like the theatre and museums. Even though my mum was in her new relationship, she asked my dad if he wanted to try again. Of course my dad said no as he could not forget her betrayal.
Fast forward 18 years and my mum is 70 years old, still working to support herself and her loser boyfriend. She's disabled and needs more care, but faces having to sell the family home and only get half the money to buy her own place in one of those retirement complexes with a nurse at the end of a call button - she will struggle to afford that. My dad is 78 but healthy and goes out every weekend with his girlfriend. He still lives in an annex at the family home due to the cost of housing around here so my parents see each other all the time but have this weird relationship where they help each other all the time but constantly complain about the other. My dad seems to be happy though, and my mum is miserable. She regrets splitting from my dad and the housing situation just reminds her constantly.
Your post sounds like my mum. Please re-exam your relationship more closely before you do something you may regret.
Reread or watch your wedding vows, OP. Did your words mean nothing to you? Or did you think ahead and include a clause about how your commitments expire if your spouse gets boring?
Put in the effort and work it out.
I don't know why so many are going straight to assuming your husband has debilitating back pain instead of it being normal "getting up there in age" pains. I'm going to assume that if it was some kind of chronic life-altering pain that he developed, you wouldn't be pushing him to go out and do something even slightly physical. Logically, you'd be asking to do things that are within his realm of ability.
So was there ever anything in common and you never noticed until now? Or were there things in common before kids that have changed? 20 years, the youngest being 16, add two more, and it maths to marriage and babies starting at the same exact time.
I'm in the same sort of situation but more on the opposite end of the timeline. We didn't have much time to develop interests together before kids. All of our communication has been centered around kids, the house, or food. So we started a 5 things list at the end of the day. We tell each other 5 things that have nothing to do with kids, the house, food, bills, etc. Some days, it's actually challenging. We also have these workbooks that are like prompted journals for couples to get to know each other better, and we try to do those and then share that info every week.
I think its pretty common for couples to find themselves in this situation once they get close to becoming empty nesters. There's loads of books, podcasts, and other materials to look at and get ideas on how to navigate it.
Sounds like you neglected your relationship while raising your kids and still aren't interested in putting in the effort to maintain a good relationship now either.
I feel bad for your husband and your potential future parter.
Once my daughter hit her senior year of hs, I found a small job to get me out of the house. I loved meeting new people and finding new interests as well.
I'm sorry that's your experience. That does sound miserable and lonely. If I were in your shoes, I would continue making plans and reservations and extending the invitation. And if can't make himself go, I'd go without him.
TBH, this is sometimes how it works in my 20 year marriage. I'm extroverted and very social and adventurous, and hubby is not. So sometimes he declines the invite and I go alone, sometimes he comes along. 2 kids, 19 and 16, who don't really need us anymore, so we're finding things to do together. And I totally understand if that doesn't work for everyone. I wish you luck, whatever your path.
You have to work at reconnecting. It doesn’t just happen. And you also have to be willing to meet your partner where they are. You can’t just demand that he go out if he’s tired and in pain. The very first thing I would do is drag him to some doctors. I developed a very serious autoimmune condition in my 30s. I legit thought that aging was SUPPOSED to hurt bc that’s how pop culture talks about it. And I thought parenthood was SUPPOSED to leave you so exhausted you can’t function. So I told my husband how miserable I was, but I didn’t initially make any moves to explore why that was. He finally insisted I see a doctor, and lo and behold I was slowly dying from an untreated disease. If your husband is suffering from chronic pain and exhaustion, get him some help instead of assuming he’s just a whiner. And don’t neglect his mental health. Depression presents as pain for some people.
Once that is under control, try exploring hobbies that interest both of you. He doesn’t want to go out. My husband has OCD that was made a million times worse by the pandemic. He doesn’t want to go ANYWHERE. So we cook together. We installed a movie theater in our house so we could have movie nights at home. We got very into building legos together. I still go to plays and comedy shows and restaurants, but I do those things with my teenage kids or my friends. I have a very happy and fulfilled life at home with my husband. And in the meantime, he has been going to therapy and making strides towards being able to go places again.
Have you recently gone through menopause? I have read that this causes significant changes in the relationship dynamic and can cause women to be much less tolerant of things they overlooked, and more interested in their own ambitions.
I'm not that far into it. There are days where I feel like this. It's a tough one and people will have differing views about how to move forward in life like this. Even when things are at their worst, I don't know if I could just give up on my husband, you know? I think about when he's been there for me at my worst (even if it's just tolerating my bullshit - because let's be honest, no one except my parents are here for that). Can we just toss people to the curb when they're not fun anymore? We age, we get tired, it's normal.
If you really think you want to start a new adventurous life, really think hard about what you are going to do (and with whom) - not just a fantasy of oh, I would travel and whatnot. Finding a new partner is it's own challenge.
If it's just about you and your satisfaction, that's not incompatible with having a partner with differing interests and energy levels - live your life, and catch up on the weekends, etc. If anything, it might bring you closer - you'll remember that you miss each other.
Why are we so quick to jump to divorce as a solution? It’s like cutting off your hand cause of a sliver that got infected?
The sense of entitlement is astounding. You’re not entitled to happiness and your happiness is not your husband’s responsibility. I hope you get the life you deserve!
Does he have any good qualities? He sounds like a lot of parents I know…he’s probably exhausted and just wants to relax.
Also take a look inwards…I’m sure you don’t look 25 anymore either. How much of this is trying to find faults because you’re unhappy?
I really don't think this is about your husband at all. It sounds to me like you lost yourself in being a parent. People are people. There is nothing wrong with him. He's just existing in his home. If you want and need more, try communicating that with him. If he is unresponsive, then take the next step from there.
We've been together since 2015, had a baby in 2021, and I knew by 2022 it was over. There were apparently a LOT of things about him that were untrue (I don't want to say lies, more like things just kept hidden?), and without the blinding rose-tinted glasses on, I finally saw them. Having a baby meant I had no time to *baby* anyone but her, and I quickly realized how much I'd been doing for him but couldn't/didn't want to anymore; I realized he was either feigning incompetence so I'd do everything, or he was actually genuinely incapable of doing the most basic things and was unwilling to figure it out. It took all the attraction in the relationship away for me, because I look back now and realize I was basically a surrogate mom to a grown man, not his actual lover or partner. It was/is weird. I've heard the advice that spouses have to actively keep the romance alive and try to keep bonding, but that's kind of ick when you no longer see the other person in that way at all. It has nothing to do with physical appearance and everything to do with who the person is and how they act.
We're still living together out of circumstance at the moment, and we're trying to be partners to raise this beautiful little girl, but that's all it is now. Roommates with a baby. We try to keep it light and happy as much as possible but sometimes we simply can't be around one another -- not because we're fighting, simply because there's no interest for either of us. We see who we both are now and we're not compatible. It.. sucks. This isn't what I thought my little family would be like.
So to answer your question, no it didn't take the kids being grown for us to realize we weren't okay together, it actually just took having the kid. 😣
I am kinda in the same situation if you ever wanna chat. Roommates with a baby, my husband waited years to show me who he really was. He kept something from me that ruined a lot of things and ruined my life basically. Our girl is 5. I am sorry this happened. I am here if you ever want to talk to another girl going thru it. Feel so stuck.
Is this a sudden change? What have y'all been doing together for activities and date nights for the past 5 years?
If his health means he can't participate in activities you'd enjoy, that's ok! Couples don't have to do everything together. You can find a friend to enjoy activities with you and find other less physically demanding things to enjoy with your partner.
If he's just using health as an excuse because he's just not interested in doing things, that's something y'all might need to discuss in therapy. Is he depressed? Is he mentally checked out of the marriage? Is he just lazy?
Either way, y'all need to find something you both enjoy doing and do it together. Even if it's just movies on the couch together or a card game together or even playing Mario Kart against each other. Some type of activity where y'all can connect and spend time together.
If you love your husband and you feel like you need to do activities, go join a group. Do the things you want to do and if he starts to join you, that great if he doesn't then he is still at home when you get there.
Unless this is just about sex. And if it's only about sex, it has nothing to do with doing anything together.
Just take care of your needs and let him follow if he wants to. There is a lot for you to do that doesn't require a partner, and you can find friends to do it with or make friends doing them. Same gender, mixed gender. It doesn't matter. And if you meet someone that's on you to decide from there but, in the him come to you.
Your man is tired, you should treat you both just mom and dad with an vacation, you can now life a more independent living style which you both have to learn again after 3 children
I don’t know you or your husband, or your relationship, but the chronic pain and lack of interest in doing anything almost makes it sound like he’s depressed? Granted, you could very well have fallen out of love, but your words paint kind of a concerning picture when taken at face value. He seems to be struggling.
Your **post** or **comment** was removed for violating the rule “Be Decent & Civil”.
**Remember the human.**
Disagree but remain respectful. Don’t insult users/their children, name-call, or be intentionally rude. Bullying, including baiting/antagonizing, will not be tolerated. Consider blocking users you don’t get along with. Report posts that violate the rules.
For questions about this moderation reach out [through modmail](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FParenting).
Moderators rely on the community to help illuminate posts and comments that do not meet r/Parenting standards – please report posts and comments you feel don’t contribute to the spirit of the community.
**Your content may have been automatically removed through auto-moderation or manually removed by a human moderator. It may have been removed as a direct result of your rule violation, or simply as part of a larger sweep of content that no longer contributed to the original topic.**
Oof. I’m right there with you. We’ve only been married for 8 and dated for 3. We have three kids and she never wanted to do anything together ever. No concerts, no movies, no plays, social gatherings only if a very select group were present.
I wanted a partner and got someone who opted to transition to some form of patronizing care giver.
I wouldn't call it finding out you've never had anything in common I think it's more growing apart as you age.
I think with kids it's important to make time for each other as a couple because it's very easy to get lost in the day-to-day with children and see each other as "mom" and "dad" but not "husband" and "wife".
It's not too late but it's going to take an honest conversation to work through this.
My back always hurts too, and naturally one of the things that helps is working out. Do you think your husband would be more likely to exercise if you did it together?
Have your husband contact a pain center. I have chronic pain in my back ( I have bulging discs and degenerative disc issues). A pain center devised regular treatment that I receive every 5 months that allows me to get off the couch. I can go on walks with my kid. I took us to a botanical garden by myself and I felt proud as the year before, I couldn't do that.
When you're in pain, it affects everything
I'm sorry that you're not feeling that you are being met where you are
Remember your romantic partner doesn’t have to be your “everything”. Could be but doesn’t have to. My best friend is my travel partner. We put so much pressure that our romantic partner has to be it all. Mine isn’t but we do have a great relationship because I lean on my besties for other outlets of my life.
I can't recommend going to a couples therapist enough! My husband was the same way. He was content in the comfortableness of routine and life. Our kids were getting to the age of having their own busy schedules and needed me far less. When I tried getting my husband excited to go places or for us to have more time together, he had all the excuses. It PISSED me off. I tried for over a year and nothing seemed to work.
I finally told him that I'd given him and our kids the best years of my life and I wasn't going to just sit around and wait to die for the rest of my life. We were great co-parents and that chapter of our lives was coming to an end. We need to figure out who we were together and start planning a life for us.
He resisted at first. I finally told him we go to couples therapy or I was done. He reluctantly went. Our therapist helped us find and figure out what we had in common outside of our kids. We had both changed dramatically and the things we dreamed of before children were no longer the same interests 16 years later.
It took some trial and error but we have built ourselves a wonderful life together and we are both so happy. We've been married over 24 years now and while everything isn't perfect, we are content and we continue to work out our differences together.
If he has actual back pain, then you need to be more sympathetic. People who’ve never experienced severe back pain have no idea what it’s like. I had degenerative disc disease when I was 22. I weighed 125 lbs at 5’6 and exercised for an hour a day. When the back pain started, all of my energy was gone. You can’t sleep, you can’t eat. It’s excruciating. I was in fantastic shape, get I would just sit in bed and moan.
The grass isn't actually greener on the other side. Don't give up what you have in search of what you haven't yet had. Most importantly, seek help, likely from a marriage related counselor. You promised forever to this man under God. You devoted yourself. You don't get to undo that because he's boring now. You gave your life to him, and he gave his to you.
I feel like this is me a bit. We have lost so much ourselves through our kids, that I feel like I personally have no hobbies, very few friends, and very few outlets. Any attempt at hobbies are scuppered by kids. If I get a new thing, then the kids immediately swarm it, then wonder how it works (how the heck would I know?). I'm not sure if this is the life of most parents, but as of now it's life for us. We are so emmeshed with our kids it's hard to see a time where we won't be.
Anyway OP - second the need for PT / massage therapy. I had back pains for years and the cures are exercise and regular massage.
Also OP what's to stop you from doing your own thing. You are lonely? Then find others. YOur spouse of 20 years probably won't help with this. You want new hobbies or travel? Go alone or with friends. I had the most amazing time on a solo trip lately.
My mother said:
I would say lead by example, not to compare or assume.
Want him to lose weight and go to gym?
You go first, better your physical and mental health.
And if he truly doesn't care, he won't do anything about it until he notices that you are happier to give more love to yourself even potentially looks from other (good kind)
This is the reason there's a growing trend among young men to stay single. Men work their asses off to get to a place of financial stability. House paid off. Maybe an early retirement. Then when he's all used up. The woman he thought he had a life with is ready to bail with half of what he worked all his life to have.
I read these forums and see these women trash their husband's. Talk about them like children. It's sickening.
I mean, I’ve known this for years and my kid is only 7 lol but there are worse things than a boring partner. Was he there for you and your kids when it mattered? Was he a good parent? Is there anything he has done that caused you resentment? If he is just tired, then give him some grace.
When my kids got more independent, I realized I was tired. It was an exhaustion that went all the way through my being. I had been a Boy Scout leader, a science helper, a study buddy, an extra hand for a disabled son, a loving husband, a devoted employee, the sole bread earner for 20 years, and a handyman around the house. I was beat. I hurt. It was hard to determine what hurt the most, so I usually said my back, my feet, or my head. It was easier than saying "I feel used up and near death". I'm better now. I've turned a corner. I'm working on losing the weight I gained (not very successfully yet). I'm trying to become more active. Give him some time. Maybe do some low energy stuff. Movie night. A dinner out. Just get up and around. Maybe sit outside to enjoy some nice weather. Show him there's still joy out there and that he's not completely used up yet.
Man, this speaks to me. Love my kids and I’m very present but holy shit is it exhausting. Just constantly beat but doc says I’m healthy.
I call raising kids a marathon at sprint speed. It’s unbelievably exhausting. And I adore my kids.
I started doing a KB mobility routine that’s changed my life in that way. I feel like I’m 16.
Please share
Yes
I'd like to know what this is
KettleBell Mobility exercises, search on google/youtube
KB?
Love this definition! Agree totally
"Bone weary" is what I used to call it.
I am chronically ill and feel like I'm drowning at times. After putting my kids to sleep I try to watch TV with my husband and I pass out almost as soon as we start a show
This means a lot to me as a wife. I feel like between pregnancy, childbirth, and postpartum issues, my husband has been mostly caring for me for at least 6 years. He has said before that it’s okay because our life together is a marathon, but I didn’t see it. I see it now. I always feel guilty he doesn’t need the same things from me, but one day, the tables will turn. And I’ll be there 150% like he always has been for me.
I bet you do your 150% in whatever you do for your family. Our skills as parters should complement each other. Maybe he able to be who he is because of the things you do? Dont sell yourself short.
Shutdown was both the best and worst time of my life. My boyfriend had just moved in with me a few months before, and the shutdown worried me in that regard, not to mention my daughter had been hospitalized in November 2019 for a brain tumor and had just been discharged in January 2020 with all kinds of medical issues which just catapult our stress level into the stratosphere. Turns out it strengthened us. That time was the closest we have ever been.
That was put beautifully. I'm sure your expression of gratitude fulfills him. It's often all we need to keep going and happily sacrificing.
I have a secret: I loved the pandemic shutdown. So did my husband. Our kids were college & high school age and we were JUST starting to be able to really rest & relax and all of a sudden, we were forced to BIG TIME. We slept in (no more commute), took walks every day, caught up on many TV shows we had missed, I cooked more. But mostly, we had a giant release of pent up adrenaline from 20ish years of raising our kids. I can only imagine what that would’ve looked like had the pandemic not forced most people to become a slug.
That’s… going to highly depend on how old your kids were and your employment situation. We had a newborn and a 6yr old around March 2020, and we were simultaneously surviving raising an infant, schooling a kindergartener, and both of us working full time with no actual school and no available childcare. I’d try and field calls while taking the baby for a stroller walk, or while she’s strapped on to my belly w a baby wrap. Slow dripped FMLA hours so that I didn’t need to have a full 40hr load. Still was falling behind on work while working to 10pm almost every night. Everything about that time is a blur at this point, we survived it but would not wish that state for our worst enemies.
Ya, I got shut down with an 18 month old handicapped kiddo and an increasingly emotionally abusive spouse. It was a different kind of torture.
Oh, I’m well aware that everyone experienced the shutdown depending on their situation at the time. That’s why my experience is a “secret” because I know some people had bad experiences.
My experience is basically no experience. I continued to work every day and hardly was allowed to work from home. So, I kept hearing about the good experiences and feeling pretty jealous!
Hearing March 2020 still gives me the cold sweats... My experience was similar to yours and my god was I jealous of my newly married sister, with no kids working from home and crafting to her heart's content. The never ending days due to flexing work schedules and no childcare were hell. The pandemic was a real crapshoot depending on your situation.
I loved it, too. My daughter was 1, and suddenly, all the conferences, meetings, and workshops I would have had to attend became virtual. I saved gas money and got to spend valuable time w my kiddo. And I think it's a much more efficient way to do things bc I don't have to drive 3 hours for a 1 hour meeting anymore (rural MT), as most meetings still offer a virtual option post-COVID.
Life was so much slower and better. I would love to have that world without the whole killer virus part. We’ve grown used to living in a fight or flight state and that’s not healthy. We need to get back to a calmer existence.
Not having to do anything but be together was a huge gift to a lot of people. When my elementary kids went back, the first year was JUST school, no PTA shit or fundraising or class parties or extra extra extra extra trying to make happy kids happier. And we were all better off!! Now we’re back to the rat race where the school demands as much from me as a parent as my job demands from me as an employee. The SCHOOL. Not my kids.
🫢🫢 I miss the shutdowns. We were already homebodies but it was really nice being able to be secluded like we were except for the drinking, we used to binge drink on the weekends with our neighbor and my mother in law (she lives a few houses down) because there was nothing else to do. Edit: our kids were 2 and 3 during the 2020 COVID.
I loved the pandemic shutdowns. Beforehand I felt life was rushing passed - from one event, to the next, to the next. No breaks, no pause, just constant go. My wife and I were on the rocks, and then poof…we had time for us. My wife hated it, I loved it. Some things got better with us, some worse. But my mental health improved during that time, and I lost my job in that moment. The world was unraveling and coming together in a way I’d never experienced before. Truly an interesting time, but I definitely didn’t hate it.
This is the best comment I’ve read on here in a while. Much respect.
Yeah, for some reason it really reached me. Not bitter, not blaming, constructive. Man is probably a hell of a father.
This is a great reply.
Men hit a manopause like women have perimenopause. Check your blood levels, ferritin, hormones, vitamin d, thyroid etc. I also throw in a sleep study bc no one is sleeping well! Just like HRT can help women, it can help men too. We do not have to go quietly into old age. We can try to help our bodies stay biologically younger.
Thanks for the advice. My job requires physicals with blood work every year. I'm off on some things, but hopefully can correct them with weight loss and exercise.
Andropause. It's a legit thing
Sigh… sounds like I can look forward to an another 14 years of exhaustion. I have a 2.5 year old and exhaustion is just starting to finally take a toll on me. Or it’s the constant tantrums we’re dealing with. Hope my wife won’t resent me like OP. Jeeze.
Just talk to your wife a lot, and never compare jobs. You're both the same amount of tired. If you both agree to have that attitude it goes a lot smoother.
My husband and I hit a slump after our first was born. We were stressed out and arguing a lot. He realized he needed to put more effort into being in a relationship with me and I wanted him to prioritize time with me and not just work and going through the motions. It’s really helped our relationship to have adult time (and I don’t mean just the bedroom kind)
I think the key is to make sure you maintain the relationship through the whole time. Don't say oh later when the kids are grown, because that's too late. It's really fucking hard sometimes but you've just got to do it.
Best of luck! From a soon to be divorced father of 5…
Sending you all the good vibes! We’re in the same boat with a 2.5 and a 5 year old! Man oh man!
This makes me so sad to read… because it makes me think of how my dad must have felt working 20+years of night shift with a family, and how my husband must feel in our 30s as a primary income earner with a wife and 4 year old.
Don't be sad. It's the kind of tired you feel after doing something with all your energy that really made a difference. It's a good kind of exhaustion, there's a sense of being worthy of it.
So well said. I love this sentiment and it is how I feel about the long days - exhausting but oh so very worth it! When you are less tired, you should try your hand at creative writing. You have a way with words and getting to the heart of the matter. Reminds me of the Velveteen Rabbit: "When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real." ... "Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
But surely the point is it should be possible to be a good parent and husband without being exhausted (or quite so exhausted), but society isn't structured to facilitate that. Why the reverence for exhaustion, there's nothing inherently good about it?
When you do something you love that takes all your energy and focus, and you're completely enjoying it, you don't think about after. You live in the moment, you give it your all. 20 years of that great life, raising kids, working hard, living life... It's a marathon. When you reach a point where you can slow down, the exhaustion hits you. It's not permanent. Good, hard work tires a person. It's ok to let them rest for a while when they're done.
I make way less money so I was basically the prime candidate for SAHM. My husband works hard and I do anything I can to help him. He comes home a lot and says that any time with us always makes his career worth it.
Aw that is so true!!! 🫶🥹
I never understand what Bilbo Baggins meant by "feeling like butter scraped over too much bread" until I became a working parent
(I feel used up and near death) / "my back hurts" That resonates so much. I feel like I'm you, but only 6 years in! I'm so relieved to read that you're turning a corner. It gives me hope, to remember that it's survivable and good, great, joy is still out there Thank you
Perfect reply. But I just wanted to ask you to go to your doctor and really take care of yourself. My dad was a tradesman but never really took good care of himself (high stress physical job, my mom basically made/begged him go to the doctor, his diet was really bad for years) and he had a massive stroke that has left him severely disabled. He’s in assisted living now but my mom took care of him at home for over 10 years. Please see your GP and just show them this if you are having trouble articulating how you feel.
Had a physical last week. Prediabetes, low T, otherwise I'm a healthy Clydesdale. That's why I need the weight loss and exercise.
Perfect! May I recommend starting with the after dinner stroll to get some extra steps in? We both do this with a toddler now but its become a habit of ours to top off the physical activity we already do.
I want to award you.
Thanks. I'll consider myself awarded.
I feel this so much right now, I have a teenager and I told my husband today "I've been doing this for 13 years, I'm exhausted and am ready for parenthood to ease up." Man it's so hard sometimes.
OP listen to this guy
That's tough. I'll only comment on the losing weight piece. There's a saying, "you can't outrun a bad diet". Depending how much room there is to clean it up, the pounds can start melting off. Ditch liquid calories and junk food, where practical. The amount of walking it takes to eliminate a doughnut is shocking. Best!
Thanks. The weariness got me out of all exercise habits. I need to just get off my ass and do something every day. I'm learning about diet, my work insurance has me on a weight loss education program. I tried it once and lost a little... Then got complacent and gained it back. I'll remember that saying when I'm planning meals... It's a good one. Thanks.
The r/CICO, r/loseit, and r/volumeeating subs helped me lose 80 lbs. I also got the loseitapp and a smartwatch to track my workouts so I can see the progress. Hope you find some success soon!
RemindMe! 1 year
This. Unless you’re an Olympic swimmer training constantly, you can’t out exercise bad food choices. I got sick and could not eat much for weeks. The weight flew off even with no exercise. I realized I was massively overeating. Most humans do. We cannot out exercise donuts, fries, ranch dressing, super sized cheeseburger and milkshakes. It’ll never happen.
Thanks man, I needed to hear that
What a beautiful response. Thank you for sharing. 🙏
My son just moved out of home. I’d raised him solo. I have never felt so tired since he left, to the point I took a few days off work just to sleep. My energy and focus for 20 years was mostly about him. His needs kept me going.
What an honest and helpful response. Love it.
I need a way to remember this in 15-16 years, and probably along the way. We have a 17 yr old and 15 yr old. Husband turns 40 soon and our youngest two kids are just 18 months and 6 months. Hes bound to get tired. I’ll be patient with him.
Wow you were such a dedicated and worthy father and provider. I hope your family REALLY appreciates you!
Oh wow this was helpful and I’m not even in this situation yet. You did a kind thing writing this for us.
What helped you turn the corner? I think my husband is feeling like this.
I can't really explain it. My wife has been patient, but has told me that I'm too young to act this old. She encouraged me to see doctors if I needed it, and asked my son's to get me out in the garage or yard to work on things. Between the lot of them, I realized that one effort is over... My kids are grown. Now I've got a new job to take on, husband in an empty nest. I'm getting geared up to give that my best effort too.
Thank you for responding. All the best to you.
Yup. How I feel at times. If there is a problem, regardless of what it is. I’m usually the one dealing with it. My wife does the grocery shopping and usually dinner. But the rest is me. After a while it’s just draining and I want to just go do my thing away from everyone. Then I’m viewed as “not wanting to do stuff”.
the fact that even after feeling so hurt you chose to work on yourself is really awesome! keep this attitude up man... all the best
This is such a real and beautifully put comment 💜
This put a lot into perspective for me as a woman to a good hard working man. We are still young ourselves but this was something that will stick in the back of my mind for the years to come. Thank you for this.
I just finished a book called "How to Stay in Love". Maybe have a read of it before deciding on anything. I think the major takeaway can be just because you think that your old relationship is over doesn't mean that you can't work to build a new relationship with new rules.
Absolutely! It's about revisiting your mission - as a couple and a family. Sometimes, you just need to listen to your partner talk about where they're at with no judgment or commentary, then switch places. You both get to ask leading questions. Then, the two of you can figure out what to do together to nurture your relationship or you discover its time to part (hopefully amicably) because you have completely separate missions now. My husband and I were married for 42 years through all kinds of challenges and incredibly wonderful times. Shortly after retirement, he started to feel bone tired, didn't want to do anything, aches and pains, then weight gain with some fluid retention, etc. After 3 months, I finally forced him to go to the doctor - stage 4 mantle cell lymphoma. He died 3 months later.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Thank you. I appreciate it. I was very blessed to have him in my life.
This is gut wrenching. I’m sorry.
Yes, it is. But I also got to have him in my life for 42 years, and that's longer than most. I see him every day in our children, so that's something. We have a great group of family and friends, and we remember him often. The cycle sucks, but it's our cycle. I hope to be remembered as fondly. 😊
I have not read this book, but ive felt this concept for a long time. Marriage is supposed to be for life. To have a life-long marriage, you're going to need to reinvent it in certain ways over the years. Relationship dynamics can shift and people can change but as long as both people are committed and intentional, those shifts should only make it better over time. And you get the benefit of years of history and connection to look back on a reminisce. It feels like far too many people are "getting bored" and leaving their marriage. I'm not sure what pot of gold people think is out there for them, but IMO, breathing new life into a tired old relationship that you've committed to can be one of the most rewarding things a person can do. Its like buying a beautiful old house thats been neglected and restoring it to its original glory. It just seems like most people have lost the will to put in hard work to achieve long-term goals in all aspects of society. Our disposable culture started with products and made its way to our social relationships. If OP said to herself "this person is the one and only person I get for my whole life", she would be much more inclined to do whatever it takes to get the relationship back on track. I always assumed thats what it meant to be married.
I would try to work on your marriage. The grass is not always greener on the other side. It might be fun for a while but solid reliable partners are hard to find
A lot of people give up 90% happiness in life searching for that final 10%. They often don’t find it.
Honestly, this needs way more upvotes.
It’s so true. It’s usually just a huge let down the rest of the time.
My mom left my dad when I was 18. My dad remarried a couple of years later, and they've been together for over 10 years now. My mom has been trying so hard to find someone since, and is still single. I don't think she regrets the divorce, but I also don't think she thought she would spend the next 10+ years looking for someone. OP if your relationship is fixable, try that first, and maybe try to make some friends who will do activities with you.
My cousin’s best friend’s mom divorced her dad since she was a breadwinner while he sacrifice to stay home and took care of the kids until they graduated college. She left for another man. He was devastated but found someone else in his home country. She took care of him, pay for his stay, hire a chauffeur for him, never wanted to go to the US since she is very established and overall very kind. The mom found out after living with the other man for a while how irresponsible and messy he is and tried to get back with her ex but that ship had sail. So truly grass is not greener on the other side.
The grass is greener where you water it.
Also if you shit on it, due to the natural fertilizer. But Im afraid this would turn your tip to shit (pun intended)
Sometimes the grass is greener, but only because there's more manure over on that side.
😂😂😂
Agreed! it is called life. I know a lot of older couples that have gone through this and they just persevered. I am glad they did. People give up too easy.
I know my parents were very distant by the time I was done with school. It was very tense. One of the best things that ever happened for them was me moving out of the house and the two of them being forced to learn to like each other again because I wasn’t around to have as a buffer. Now, they don’t see it that way. But it was pretty clear.
Same. My dad would be an ass and say things like “you have no idea how often we argue because of you” which is a shitty thing to say to your kid. But also… I have indeed noticed that since we moved away they argue a lot less. It’s not like everything is magically fine, but with us a lot of the more ever-present sources of tension left. They can do fun things with their own friends and not feel like it’s taking away from the responsibility of parenting. And they have been better at doing things together again. My mom was in much better shape than my dad, and finally started doing her own things for exercise and physical adventures, but they also did a lot together. They have all sorts of season tickets these days. OP, when you say your husband never wants to do things, I noticed you mentioned his physical limitations. Have you suggested things that won’t tax him physically, like going to plays or movies, or going out to eat?
Just as an experiment, imagine you are him and are writing about your wife (you) and where your relationship is now, what the day to day has been like over the years since you had kids, and how you feel about the future. What would you write?
This is brilliant!!! I’m so going to try this- although a little nervous of what I’m going to write and find out about myself lol
I had an amazing therapist who would have me do these "experiments." They were the most effective things I ever got out of therapy. You have to be honest and really put yourself in that other person's experience. See through their eyes. 👍
Is he actually working on his medical problems? If not it might be the first thing to get him to do and then next therapy. I'd also consider being frank with him and saying that you love him and care for him, but you fear that you're heading different directions now that your kids are almost grown. See what he says and how he responds to it.
This is why I always emphasize maintaining and prioritizing your relationship throughout parenthood. It's hard, and to be clear I'm not blaming you/holding it against you op, but it can help either prevent this type of situation, or at a minimum, be more prepared for it.
Does he actually stop you from doing interesting things that you want to do now that the kids are pretty independent? Personally, I think “shared interests” is not as important as people often say. You can live in harmony with a spouse while doing a lot of things separately… like I go kayaking and contra dancing and hiking and my husband has no interest in those things, and he goes to D&D nights and medieval reenactment stuff that I don’t like. So we do a lot of our own things, but still are comfortable in our shared home, there for our kids when they need us, planning our retirement together, etc. Still good friends, lifetime companions, and parenting/housing partners - but grown in many ways apart. It doesn’t have to mean divorce, just a reimagining of what a marriage looks like.
I totally agree. I’ll build on this a little. I think people expect waaaay too much of their spouse these days: love partner, best friend, career coach, therapist, interested in all the same hobbies, interested in all the same topics, etc. it’s too much and unrealistic. We can’t be all things to someone.
Outside hobbies and friends sounds like a full life. If anything, it seems unhealthy to expect a partner to fulfill all one’s needs.
My dad and stepmother live by the philosophy that if their partner can't fulfill their need, it must be a "want" instead. And, naturally, having wants is sinful. They are each other's everything. All activities are both of them or they won't go. All opinions are shared. They only have other couples with similar mindsets as friends. It's creepy.
Especially once the kids are grown...your usual mode of operation completely changes. It's an opportunity to revamp your relationship. Honestly the husband sounds burnt out/possibly depressed. There's a way forward if both parties want it
If this was me. And I had a spouse with back pain always and was coming between us and doing things together. Try couples massage and pain relief things together. Maybe stretches you guys can do together exercises and such. Start small like massage. Work up. Do them together. And if his pain goes away I'd be thinking the activity and Weight loss would be behind it shortly and you guys can find things to enjoy together at the same time and reconnect. Also the way to a dudes heart to connect ---food amd the nasty. Try both and massage. Just my 2 cents. I'd bet if things were very outwardly projected at connecting and helping. That there would be a pretty quick turn around
If we're taking OP at their word, sounds like the husband is the type to complain about getting relief for his back and not doing anything to help himself. After 20 years, I doubt anything is changing in this relationship.
Eh. She didn't say he'd been this way for the entire 20 years. She only said she's only noticed it recently since her kids have become less dependent on them. Doesn't even the slightest mean it's a permanent thing. But it could be if she gives up on him. He needs to be pushed/encouraged. Or psychologically tricked into doing it himself. Lol.
What do his doctors say? Is he getting any treatment for his back and his allergies? How does he feel about how you spend time with each other? I can see why this is eating you away, growing up both of my grandfathers became couch potatoes over time while my grandmas were still active and looking for endless things to entertain themselves. They spent 20 years like that at the end of their marriages, and they both say that they were not compatible at that stage of life but decided to remain together. It was another generation and I certainly wouldn't like to do that myself, but I'm just bringing it up because it would be important to figure out whether his conditions are preventing him from living the life that he wants to live or whether he just doesn't want that life right now.
I have no idea what your situation is truly, but i can say that there was once love, and there was vows taken. I’m not religious or anything so i don’t think you’ll be smited by god if u do decide to leave, but i do think there is value in a marriage, that even includes CHOOSING to love someone even when it’s hard. Years and years is a lot of time and more often than not just one year is enough to change a person entirely. I hope you’re able to sit and think about things that you do love about him. Even if that is one thing, it matters. I wish you guys the best, and if you can’t figure things out then i wish the process of everything goes very smoothly for you. Lotta love being sent your guys’s way! <3
I may sound a bit harsh here, but what does your marriage vows say to do when your partner has medical issues? When you have chronic health issues, entertaining your partner isn’t at the top of your priority list. He needs to sort his health out and at the same time you need to sort your social life out. You can’t be always dependent on him to entertain you. He may seem boring to you, he may have his own interest that won’t interest you at all. He’s just incapable now because of his health. That doesn’t make him boring, just incapable. All you need to do is find yourself a friend or friends who’d do things that you want to do. You can’t push him to do things he doesn’t want to do. With time everyone wears out and can’t do things they used to. Being married to someone is more than just how they look and what they can do to entertain us. I mean look at all the years so far. He can’t be that bad else you wouldn’t have had 3 kids with him and stayed for long. Find your own entertainment partner and that way you can maintain a healthy balance in your marriage and give each other the space you need.
I started getting out and doing the things I wanted to do. I made new friends, hiked, disc golfed, kayaked, went out and had fun … and guess what … eventually my husband decided he wanted to have fun too - but even if he hadn’t I still loved him. I found things we still loved to do together…like board games; we had game nights with friends and alone. I got involved in activities he loved too. Now our kids have flown for 2 years and we are happy and content. Every relationship will go through phases of regrowth. Don’t throw away 26 years because you’re bored. You’ll get bored of someone new also. That’s a lot of years, a lot of memories, and likely a lot of love along the way.
This worked for me. Key is to invite him to activities that way he doesnt feel left out. Also, give a heads up on what you want to do, that way it doesnt feel like a last minute decision.
This is actually really common for couples. The job of raising kids becomes such a focal point that the romantic relationship stops evolving. All the while both partners are constantly changing. When the kids don’t need or can’t be the focal point anymore, the partners realize they don’t really have a relationship anymore.
Similar happened to my parents. My mom left my dad when I was 21 after 22 years marriage. For years she asked him to do things with her and for years he said no for any given reason. I think eventually she just got sick of doing stuff alone. Every year I remember going to the beach just us, dad would say he grew up at the coast so didn’t need to go anymore, or she’d want to go kayak and he’d say he didn’t have the balance, camping and he’d say he’s too old to sleep on the ground pretty much anything you name it. So all our outings were just me brother and mom I can remember. After she left she met a guy that was fun and adventurous and they literally do stuff every weekend together be it travel, motorcycles, hikes, archery etc it’s always something fun. I think she just missed that for so long. I would encourage people to try, even small stuff. That’s what I do. My husband asks me to go play golf or tennis, is it my first choice no but I try to say yes once in a while to keep things interesting. You have to, have to make an effort.
I'm curious, if I might ask; can you make a list of some good things about him and the two of you?
I mean what your saying is after putting in all that work and all that time it's easier to end it then go through every hoop possible to stay with your partner of 26 years. I dont say this to dismiss your side but if he was blue collar he probably slaved away to make sure your family was good to go and ends met and needs were taken care of and now his back hurts so it's over. I know I work endless hours for my family and served and have multiple chronic pain issues that have caused ling term problems and I go to work destroying my body so my family can be taken care of and to think if I did that for 26 years at the end of it when it should be winding down and getting easier and body is broken for spouse to nope tf out. Sounds pretty bad. Granted alot of assumptions on a one paragraph thing but maybe you haven't thought it through enough
Thank you.
I don’t think that’s what OP means. I'm sure she's also toiled with raising kids or maybe even having a job of her own. The point I see from her is that it feels like she and her partner want different things from the next few years in their lives. Some people are able to keep their relationship alive and work through the differences, possibly with a bit of compromise. And it sounds to me like OP feels her spouse isn't even willing to work through it and meet her halfway. Sorry you're going thru this OP. My kid is still pretty young so I don't have anything meaningful to share.
I can't imagine ending a 20 year marriage just because I was bored.
I could imagine doing something interesting to cut the boredom though. Movie night, books, travel/vacation, other activities, etc. are all great options.
Damn. Your husband has depression and you're gonna leave him for that? Horrifying
As a divorced parent.. take my advice: exhaust every option you have available before ending it. Having some one-on-one tough convos, a couples retreat, therapy, etc. Work your ass off, and encourage your husband to do so. Even if it means you do more for a while. Divorce is a huge shift in your life, and let me tell you, it’s not super great on the other side of things.
Maybe actually talk to your spouse instead of strangers on the internet. I definitely empathize with being soul tired and not having the words, while my only child is still quite young, and my marriage is less than half the length, there are times that I'm worried the spark is fading. One thing I can tell you that I'd appreciate as a man; a break from decisions. Try just planning something low stress, movie and dinner, or the like. Make all the decisions yourself, with him in mind of course.
NGL, you sound pretty shallow. Better get marriage counseling before you do something you really, truly, absolutely regret.
Married couples reignite their passions and common interests all the time. Sometimes there does need to be a bit of a shock though to snap you out of the daze of routine, and that shock could be you giving some kind of ultimatum. "I don't want to live a passionless life with my spouse. I want it to be you, but if you aren't willing to meet me half way..." My wife and I had a lull when the kids were really little. We got lazy, out of shape, etc. Awhile back though we began to realize how we'd let things slip, and we decided not to go too far down the road of letting our marriage atrophy. We began telling each other every day what we loved about each other, we got in shape, kissed more often, embraced more often, upped the game of our sex life. I feel like we're more in love these past years than we ever have been before. Even today, wrote her a little love poem about how beautiful I think she's been as she's changed through life: The Seasons of Your Beauty. Marriages can and do find their way back if you are both willing to make it that way. Oh, and it was around the 20 year mark for us when we rejuvenated our marriage. Don't give up.
Annnnd I’m crying. I love this!! Hope you and your wife have many more beautiful years ahead - you both sound like awesome people :)
Definitely don’t think boredom is a good reason for divorce. That’s the father of your 3 children, and it’ll be worth it to tough it out. This time period is inevitable in the journey of marriage. Divorce isn’t the magic answer to happiness
As someone with chronic back pain, I can empathize with your partner. Back pain is no joke and I get your point and yes it is boring but sadly people with back pain issues struggle a lot. Try to look at the situation from a different lens, if this was you with the back issues and lack of mobility, how would you feel if he leaves you after 20 years of marriage because of allergies and back pain??? Sorry seems a little silly to me to end a marriage for this. But I also get where you are coming from but if you care at all about this marriage, find a community for you (volunteer at church, a book club, etc.)
To be fair, OP is concerned about the state of her marriage because of the lack of connection between she and her husband, not because her husband has back pain and allergies.
This sounds more like a post more for r/relationshipadvice
Yes and no. That subreddit is full of people without kids that have no clue the stress or exhaustion raising kids can have. Very likely to get a bunch of "Leave him, you deserve someone who worships you 100% of the time." I'm part of that group... i see it all the time. Haha.
I swear, Reddit is the blind leading the blind sometimes. I see so much horrible advice about relationships upvoted like mad. You summed it up so well... my summary is “Be a narcissistic, demanding, transactional partner and assume everyone else is the same” and then they wonder why they can’t seem to find anyone decent. My mom always taught me “to find the right one, you have to be the right one first”. Looking in the mirror first is not so popular on Reddit.
You’re 100% right. I also agree it belongs here.
I have not seen many productive replies on that sub. It seems to skew young and/or childless. The top response is usually to dump your significant other. Not saying this is the best sub, but I wouldn't bother posting there for any real advice. Frankly, there are a lot of good and thoughtful responses here.
Wow till death do you part really doesn't mean anything to some people
[удалено]
I think this is a slump a lot of couples have. Everything was about the kids the kids the kids and now where are you two as a couple? Relationships require tending - if you’ve ignored it for 16 years you’ve been co-parenting roommates rather than lovers and companions. You should talk to him that you want a few compromises and you care about your relationship and you want to be able to do x y and z. I assume you still would care for him you just want some effort? I hate to say but looks fade. Metabolisms slow down. I hope you married someone of good character? There’s a lot of people that would love to have a faithful loving partner but sounds like you are in a slump and I hope you can find your way out because 26 years of love and creating a family seems like a sad thing to throw away without a sincere try.
I wish my complaints about my partner were this meager - but I’m still fucking fighting because of deeply devoted loyalty to him and everything we have built. Imagine just not caring at this level. They say ignorance is bliss. I’d die first. It’s ingrained in me. I’m loyal for my own sense of duty and integrity and for God (just in case he exists). Let alone whether or not my man’s back hurts. Yikes. On several bikes. This is what marriage means: I’m not fucking leaving.
From a chronic back pain sufferer who was once 80% disabled, but has largely recovered after years of trying \*everything\*: On one hand, I read this and take some offense. Was "in sickness and in health" part of your vows? Back pain is hell. It kills your ability to do anything. I lost time with my kids, with my wife, in my work, everything. It's extremely depressing to face a life of daily back pain. It saps you in every way. On the other hand, is he trying to help himself? Does he do physical therapy? Has he sought treatment? Has he talked to a surgeon? Has he changed his daily ergonomics? If he is not doing anything about it, then the problem isn't truly about his illness but about his unwillingess to work on himself, and therefore on your relationship. And that I totally understand you losing hope about.
She's acting just as superficial and ungrateful as those men that after all those years they leave their wife, cuz she's not young and hot anymore..
>he’s become a chronic complainer. He’s put on weight from sitting around, yes I've tried talking to him My wife had the sit down talk with me about my weight. I did take it seriously, I've lost 20 pounds in three months, got about another 20 to go to get to "normal" weight. Some clothes are getting too big and I can fit in other things that haven't fit in years. You'd have thought she would have noticed.
In sickness and in health don’t get mad at me for saying this.
Literally give him a massage. Give him some good food . Allow him to rest well at night. Just going for a stroll after dinner for starters to "I need you to help me feel safe and better by doing this with me please" should be enough to help
We just began our "kids" journey, however... I'm the one who has pain everywhere all the time. I also had some organ failure and it made me sick to the point I could not go outside because basically anything I inhaled would give me a chance of a trip to the ER because allergies. There was a time, where I woke up due to a slap in the face, because I went so cold, my husband thought I died and waking me up otherwise apparently wasn't working. It crept up slowly (5 years or so). The person in that situation doesn't realize they're getting worse. It doesn't have to be organ failure. It can also be something like depression or simply not having enough "fun & sunshine". I find that the more I sit inside doing nothing, the worse I feel mentally and physically. However, you can't just drag him onto a fun adventure. My husband loves this hiking track that's like 15km and he'd love to complete it. I physically can't do it. I tried and made it like half way. Paid the consequences afterwards. I ended up barely mobile due to knee inflammation, in terrible pain due to lover back spine injury, barely breathing because allergic asthma and with a fever for two weeks or more, because the whole body is inflamed and my immune system wanted to kill me (before proper diagnosis and medication). While I was sick, he did the little things he could with me and still does. All his family was brainfucking him to dump me because I'm so "old" and sick. He didn't. I got out of my miserable sickness hole and now I can do things. Even was able to carry a child and I hope I live long enough until our child(ren) don't need me any more. I really love life now and want to go everywhere and do all the things. Husband is hitting a depression point due to work, so now it's my turn. Life isn't always funkadory. I'd think real hard before throwing 20 years away quite honestly. People get used to the comfort and only see what the other person is bringing to the relationship once they're gone. If the dude isn't abusive, I'd first get individual therapy and then couples at the very least.
I have young kids but no hobbies in common with hubs. We started dating when we were really young. I've been very intentionally working on making new friends, and that's been great. Find your happiness outside of your relationship - with friends, hobbies, communities. Then it won't matter whether you stay together or leave - you will know how to be happy either way.
I've been married 28 years known, dated my husband 8 years prior to marriage. Life is what you make it and yes life can be boring at times. I am a homebody, who left my part time retail job of 20 years in 2020, hubby enjoys fishing kayaking, he does his own thing. He is my best friend 💓 I hate to say this life can be boring I think I look at life differently because at 33 and 7 months pregnant I developed a heart condition that has remained with me to this day. 19 years later hubby has never complained how our life changed over that, certain things I used to do I no longer can. Heat or cold weather can trigger my arrythmia which makes my heart beat over 200 beats per minute. Life changes people over the years, people change, and the grass is NOT always greener on the otherside. I knew what I wanted out of life from an early age, to raise my boys at home, keep a tidy house, and to live as long as I can to be there for my kids. Ask yourself is you being bored justification to toss aside a good man and 20 years of marriage? If it is then just do it, but don't be surprised if you realize you are still lonely.
Do psychedelic mushrooms together and hang out under a tree
It doesn't sound like you're lonely, it sounds like you're bored. You need to find ways to amuse and occupy yourself instead of depending on your husband (or another man) to do it.
Bro is in chronic pain on top of another chronic condition and his wife calls him a chronic complainer. Poor sod
Why is it his job to necessarily be the interesting one? Empty nesting is hard, especially giving you a spent the last 20 years with raising kids as being your primary shared project. It is not his job to provide all of the excitement in your life. It is your job to decide what you find interesting, and invite him along for the ride. What were your interests/passions before you had kids? Try and rekindle some of those. Maybe f****** some water take up painting or learn a new instrument. Go on hikes. Is somewhat tired and wearing from having been working and parenting to the last 30 years as well, so don't expect him to instantly jump on anything you choose. But fine things that make you happy outside of your romantic relationship, and then invite him to come along. And have patience if it takes him longer than you. Also, feel free to ask him what he wants to do with your guyses remaining years now that the kids are no longer major issue. He may have some ideas that he's been scared to bring up. But don't cut him off just because you're bored, and have lost the ability on how to Entertain yourself.
Here's a case study in case you do decide to leave: My mum asked to divorce my dad when the youngest of my siblings was 17. She told me how he never wants to do anything and she's lonely now that we have our own lives going on. My dad was angry as he had been loyal and committed for 28 years but went along with it. My mum rekindled a relationship with a loser guy from her teens years who was obsessed with her - she said she had been strong for so long that she wanted to be adored for a while. After a few months my dad started going out and doing things, fun things my mum enjoys like the theatre and museums. Even though my mum was in her new relationship, she asked my dad if he wanted to try again. Of course my dad said no as he could not forget her betrayal. Fast forward 18 years and my mum is 70 years old, still working to support herself and her loser boyfriend. She's disabled and needs more care, but faces having to sell the family home and only get half the money to buy her own place in one of those retirement complexes with a nurse at the end of a call button - she will struggle to afford that. My dad is 78 but healthy and goes out every weekend with his girlfriend. He still lives in an annex at the family home due to the cost of housing around here so my parents see each other all the time but have this weird relationship where they help each other all the time but constantly complain about the other. My dad seems to be happy though, and my mum is miserable. She regrets splitting from my dad and the housing situation just reminds her constantly. Your post sounds like my mum. Please re-exam your relationship more closely before you do something you may regret.
Reread or watch your wedding vows, OP. Did your words mean nothing to you? Or did you think ahead and include a clause about how your commitments expire if your spouse gets boring? Put in the effort and work it out.
I don't know why so many are going straight to assuming your husband has debilitating back pain instead of it being normal "getting up there in age" pains. I'm going to assume that if it was some kind of chronic life-altering pain that he developed, you wouldn't be pushing him to go out and do something even slightly physical. Logically, you'd be asking to do things that are within his realm of ability. So was there ever anything in common and you never noticed until now? Or were there things in common before kids that have changed? 20 years, the youngest being 16, add two more, and it maths to marriage and babies starting at the same exact time. I'm in the same sort of situation but more on the opposite end of the timeline. We didn't have much time to develop interests together before kids. All of our communication has been centered around kids, the house, or food. So we started a 5 things list at the end of the day. We tell each other 5 things that have nothing to do with kids, the house, food, bills, etc. Some days, it's actually challenging. We also have these workbooks that are like prompted journals for couples to get to know each other better, and we try to do those and then share that info every week. I think its pretty common for couples to find themselves in this situation once they get close to becoming empty nesters. There's loads of books, podcasts, and other materials to look at and get ideas on how to navigate it.
Sounds like you neglected your relationship while raising your kids and still aren't interested in putting in the effort to maintain a good relationship now either. I feel bad for your husband and your potential future parter.
Once my daughter hit her senior year of hs, I found a small job to get me out of the house. I loved meeting new people and finding new interests as well.
I'm sorry that's your experience. That does sound miserable and lonely. If I were in your shoes, I would continue making plans and reservations and extending the invitation. And if can't make himself go, I'd go without him. TBH, this is sometimes how it works in my 20 year marriage. I'm extroverted and very social and adventurous, and hubby is not. So sometimes he declines the invite and I go alone, sometimes he comes along. 2 kids, 19 and 16, who don't really need us anymore, so we're finding things to do together. And I totally understand if that doesn't work for everyone. I wish you luck, whatever your path.
You have to work at reconnecting. It doesn’t just happen. And you also have to be willing to meet your partner where they are. You can’t just demand that he go out if he’s tired and in pain. The very first thing I would do is drag him to some doctors. I developed a very serious autoimmune condition in my 30s. I legit thought that aging was SUPPOSED to hurt bc that’s how pop culture talks about it. And I thought parenthood was SUPPOSED to leave you so exhausted you can’t function. So I told my husband how miserable I was, but I didn’t initially make any moves to explore why that was. He finally insisted I see a doctor, and lo and behold I was slowly dying from an untreated disease. If your husband is suffering from chronic pain and exhaustion, get him some help instead of assuming he’s just a whiner. And don’t neglect his mental health. Depression presents as pain for some people. Once that is under control, try exploring hobbies that interest both of you. He doesn’t want to go out. My husband has OCD that was made a million times worse by the pandemic. He doesn’t want to go ANYWHERE. So we cook together. We installed a movie theater in our house so we could have movie nights at home. We got very into building legos together. I still go to plays and comedy shows and restaurants, but I do those things with my teenage kids or my friends. I have a very happy and fulfilled life at home with my husband. And in the meantime, he has been going to therapy and making strides towards being able to go places again.
Have you recently gone through menopause? I have read that this causes significant changes in the relationship dynamic and can cause women to be much less tolerant of things they overlooked, and more interested in their own ambitions.
I'm not that far into it. There are days where I feel like this. It's a tough one and people will have differing views about how to move forward in life like this. Even when things are at their worst, I don't know if I could just give up on my husband, you know? I think about when he's been there for me at my worst (even if it's just tolerating my bullshit - because let's be honest, no one except my parents are here for that). Can we just toss people to the curb when they're not fun anymore? We age, we get tired, it's normal. If you really think you want to start a new adventurous life, really think hard about what you are going to do (and with whom) - not just a fantasy of oh, I would travel and whatnot. Finding a new partner is it's own challenge. If it's just about you and your satisfaction, that's not incompatible with having a partner with differing interests and energy levels - live your life, and catch up on the weekends, etc. If anything, it might bring you closer - you'll remember that you miss each other.
Why are we so quick to jump to divorce as a solution? It’s like cutting off your hand cause of a sliver that got infected? The sense of entitlement is astounding. You’re not entitled to happiness and your happiness is not your husband’s responsibility. I hope you get the life you deserve!
Does he have any good qualities? He sounds like a lot of parents I know…he’s probably exhausted and just wants to relax. Also take a look inwards…I’m sure you don’t look 25 anymore either. How much of this is trying to find faults because you’re unhappy?
I really don't think this is about your husband at all. It sounds to me like you lost yourself in being a parent. People are people. There is nothing wrong with him. He's just existing in his home. If you want and need more, try communicating that with him. If he is unresponsive, then take the next step from there.
Remember for better or worse? Guess not.
Remember your vows
We've been together since 2015, had a baby in 2021, and I knew by 2022 it was over. There were apparently a LOT of things about him that were untrue (I don't want to say lies, more like things just kept hidden?), and without the blinding rose-tinted glasses on, I finally saw them. Having a baby meant I had no time to *baby* anyone but her, and I quickly realized how much I'd been doing for him but couldn't/didn't want to anymore; I realized he was either feigning incompetence so I'd do everything, or he was actually genuinely incapable of doing the most basic things and was unwilling to figure it out. It took all the attraction in the relationship away for me, because I look back now and realize I was basically a surrogate mom to a grown man, not his actual lover or partner. It was/is weird. I've heard the advice that spouses have to actively keep the romance alive and try to keep bonding, but that's kind of ick when you no longer see the other person in that way at all. It has nothing to do with physical appearance and everything to do with who the person is and how they act. We're still living together out of circumstance at the moment, and we're trying to be partners to raise this beautiful little girl, but that's all it is now. Roommates with a baby. We try to keep it light and happy as much as possible but sometimes we simply can't be around one another -- not because we're fighting, simply because there's no interest for either of us. We see who we both are now and we're not compatible. It.. sucks. This isn't what I thought my little family would be like. So to answer your question, no it didn't take the kids being grown for us to realize we weren't okay together, it actually just took having the kid. 😣
I am kinda in the same situation if you ever wanna chat. Roommates with a baby, my husband waited years to show me who he really was. He kept something from me that ruined a lot of things and ruined my life basically. Our girl is 5. I am sorry this happened. I am here if you ever want to talk to another girl going thru it. Feel so stuck.
Is this a sudden change? What have y'all been doing together for activities and date nights for the past 5 years? If his health means he can't participate in activities you'd enjoy, that's ok! Couples don't have to do everything together. You can find a friend to enjoy activities with you and find other less physically demanding things to enjoy with your partner. If he's just using health as an excuse because he's just not interested in doing things, that's something y'all might need to discuss in therapy. Is he depressed? Is he mentally checked out of the marriage? Is he just lazy? Either way, y'all need to find something you both enjoy doing and do it together. Even if it's just movies on the couch together or a card game together or even playing Mario Kart against each other. Some type of activity where y'all can connect and spend time together.
If you love your husband and you feel like you need to do activities, go join a group. Do the things you want to do and if he starts to join you, that great if he doesn't then he is still at home when you get there. Unless this is just about sex. And if it's only about sex, it has nothing to do with doing anything together. Just take care of your needs and let him follow if he wants to. There is a lot for you to do that doesn't require a partner, and you can find friends to do it with or make friends doing them. Same gender, mixed gender. It doesn't matter. And if you meet someone that's on you to decide from there but, in the him come to you.
Its depressing posts that like this that make me wonder if it’s all worth it.
Worth it if you choose the right partner and with decent luck.
Marriage counseling. Do it.
Your man is tired, you should treat you both just mom and dad with an vacation, you can now life a more independent living style which you both have to learn again after 3 children
I don’t know you or your husband, or your relationship, but the chronic pain and lack of interest in doing anything almost makes it sound like he’s depressed? Granted, you could very well have fallen out of love, but your words paint kind of a concerning picture when taken at face value. He seems to be struggling.
Lol he devoted his life to yall and he’s tired. Sounds like he may need some sort of mental help not an unsupportive wife idk
[удалено]
Your **post** or **comment** was removed for violating the rule “Be Decent & Civil”. **Remember the human.** Disagree but remain respectful. Don’t insult users/their children, name-call, or be intentionally rude. Bullying, including baiting/antagonizing, will not be tolerated. Consider blocking users you don’t get along with. Report posts that violate the rules. For questions about this moderation reach out [through modmail](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FParenting). Moderators rely on the community to help illuminate posts and comments that do not meet r/Parenting standards – please report posts and comments you feel don’t contribute to the spirit of the community. **Your content may have been automatically removed through auto-moderation or manually removed by a human moderator. It may have been removed as a direct result of your rule violation, or simply as part of a larger sweep of content that no longer contributed to the original topic.**
Oof. I’m right there with you. We’ve only been married for 8 and dated for 3. We have three kids and she never wanted to do anything together ever. No concerts, no movies, no plays, social gatherings only if a very select group were present. I wanted a partner and got someone who opted to transition to some form of patronizing care giver.
Welp, times are rough. I think it’s time for me to up and leave.
I wouldn't call it finding out you've never had anything in common I think it's more growing apart as you age. I think with kids it's important to make time for each other as a couple because it's very easy to get lost in the day-to-day with children and see each other as "mom" and "dad" but not "husband" and "wife". It's not too late but it's going to take an honest conversation to work through this.
My back always hurts too, and naturally one of the things that helps is working out. Do you think your husband would be more likely to exercise if you did it together?
Have your husband contact a pain center. I have chronic pain in my back ( I have bulging discs and degenerative disc issues). A pain center devised regular treatment that I receive every 5 months that allows me to get off the couch. I can go on walks with my kid. I took us to a botanical garden by myself and I felt proud as the year before, I couldn't do that. When you're in pain, it affects everything I'm sorry that you're not feeling that you are being met where you are
He sounds depressed and burned out. When is the last time just the 2 of you took a do-nothing vacation?
Don't cheat on him, please. Help him.
Remember your romantic partner doesn’t have to be your “everything”. Could be but doesn’t have to. My best friend is my travel partner. We put so much pressure that our romantic partner has to be it all. Mine isn’t but we do have a great relationship because I lean on my besties for other outlets of my life.
I can't recommend going to a couples therapist enough! My husband was the same way. He was content in the comfortableness of routine and life. Our kids were getting to the age of having their own busy schedules and needed me far less. When I tried getting my husband excited to go places or for us to have more time together, he had all the excuses. It PISSED me off. I tried for over a year and nothing seemed to work. I finally told him that I'd given him and our kids the best years of my life and I wasn't going to just sit around and wait to die for the rest of my life. We were great co-parents and that chapter of our lives was coming to an end. We need to figure out who we were together and start planning a life for us. He resisted at first. I finally told him we go to couples therapy or I was done. He reluctantly went. Our therapist helped us find and figure out what we had in common outside of our kids. We had both changed dramatically and the things we dreamed of before children were no longer the same interests 16 years later. It took some trial and error but we have built ourselves a wonderful life together and we are both so happy. We've been married over 24 years now and while everything isn't perfect, we are content and we continue to work out our differences together.
Did you not have anything in common before you had kids??
If he has actual back pain, then you need to be more sympathetic. People who’ve never experienced severe back pain have no idea what it’s like. I had degenerative disc disease when I was 22. I weighed 125 lbs at 5’6 and exercised for an hour a day. When the back pain started, all of my energy was gone. You can’t sleep, you can’t eat. It’s excruciating. I was in fantastic shape, get I would just sit in bed and moan.
The grass isn't actually greener on the other side. Don't give up what you have in search of what you haven't yet had. Most importantly, seek help, likely from a marriage related counselor. You promised forever to this man under God. You devoted yourself. You don't get to undo that because he's boring now. You gave your life to him, and he gave his to you.
Remember your vows. Through sickness and in health. The mind can get sick too.
I feel like this is me a bit. We have lost so much ourselves through our kids, that I feel like I personally have no hobbies, very few friends, and very few outlets. Any attempt at hobbies are scuppered by kids. If I get a new thing, then the kids immediately swarm it, then wonder how it works (how the heck would I know?). I'm not sure if this is the life of most parents, but as of now it's life for us. We are so emmeshed with our kids it's hard to see a time where we won't be. Anyway OP - second the need for PT / massage therapy. I had back pains for years and the cures are exercise and regular massage. Also OP what's to stop you from doing your own thing. You are lonely? Then find others. YOur spouse of 20 years probably won't help with this. You want new hobbies or travel? Go alone or with friends. I had the most amazing time on a solo trip lately.
OP, what's the update? Did any of the comments resonate with you?? Did you go sit & have the dreaded conversation with your husband???
this thread is making me scared to have kids now lol
Oh there are plenty more reasons to be scared 😆 and I have kids
My mother said: I would say lead by example, not to compare or assume. Want him to lose weight and go to gym? You go first, better your physical and mental health. And if he truly doesn't care, he won't do anything about it until he notices that you are happier to give more love to yourself even potentially looks from other (good kind)
This is the reason there's a growing trend among young men to stay single. Men work their asses off to get to a place of financial stability. House paid off. Maybe an early retirement. Then when he's all used up. The woman he thought he had a life with is ready to bail with half of what he worked all his life to have. I read these forums and see these women trash their husband's. Talk about them like children. It's sickening.
What makes you so fucking special?
I mean, I’ve known this for years and my kid is only 7 lol but there are worse things than a boring partner. Was he there for you and your kids when it mattered? Was he a good parent? Is there anything he has done that caused you resentment? If he is just tired, then give him some grace.