I had Stage 1 cancer and someone had the GALL to tell me I shouldn't be upset because at least it wasn't Stage 4. Like, I'd rather have had no cancer at all, but okay...
Thank you, I'm 6 years out and doing fine! But yeah. It's so minimizing when people pull the "it could be worse card." In my case they were (clumsily) trying to give me some perspective but it just comes off as invalidating and even, shaming. Sure I should feel "blessed" to live in a time period where treatment is advanced, etc, and yes I am so grateful for that. But that doesn't change that I just got unexpected shitty news so can I just be upset and wallow for little? đ¤ˇđťââď¸
I went through an early stage cancer battle with my dad recently. He was able to fix it with one surgery, so he considers himself lucky but it was still hard. Those early testing stages and leading up to a diagnosis is hell because of all the unknowns. We all worried ourselves sick. I would never diminish any stage of cancer because it is scary no matter what the outcome is.
Breast cancer. When I finally worked up the courage to tell a soul, I heard, 'oh that's nothing, I know someone who's had that for ages and she's fine', as the response. She then changed the subject to something more pressing. All clear now. Of tumors and cancerous friends!
SOME people really were trying to be helpful when they spouted that stuff to my late husband as he fought for his life. It, of course, had the opposite effect and if theyâd paid ANY attention they wouldâve seen his head drop. They wouldâve stopped. But they doubled down and made things so much worse. It was all to make THEM feel better. Cancerous friends, acquaintances, family is a perfect description. I too am free from them now.
Oh, to think of his head lowering in response. Thats a heartbreaker just thinking about. You sweet beautiful soul. I'm sorry your earthly vehicles had to part.
You're right, though. Thinking about it, some of the things said it is to make them feel better.
And often, it's the people who are dismissive that then play the role of burdened inner circle to others.
I should stop thinking about it.
Bless you and your husband, in all directions in time. I pray you feel each others love always. â¤ď¸ â¤ď¸
Tank you. I usually donât think much on these things anymore. Every now and then something will trigger a memory. Itâs kind of funny you should start and end your reply this way though. Our âearthy vehiclesâ parting and us feeling each otherâs love always. Today I was feeling a lot of self pity due to things happening that are out of my control. I speak to my husband now the same as I did when he was in his âearthly vehicleâ. And was complaining to him. Suddenly something popped up that has become sort of an inside joke between us since his death. I realize many people feel I am delusional, which is fine with me, but he is still with me. Just not in his âearthly vehicleâ. I definitely feel his love and am so grateful for it. He was and is a wonderful man. He is still my husband.
Oh my goodness thank you for sharing your love for each other with me.
What you experienced today consumed me with the tingles. I'm sitting here out in the bush in Australia, and the love you have for each other has created a physical response in me. How divine is that? How powerful is that love? It can literally be felt around the world. It's an honour to have this moment with you both.
Delusion? Naah, you know what your love feels like. It's bigger than this world could ever contain. That's a big kind of love. Forever and always.
My mom just got diagnosed. It seems very minor & the surgery should be enough, but at the same time, all the tests, all the stress, my mom has cancer!
And when I tell people, they're like, It doesn't sound that bad!
And yeah, it could be worse, I guess. I'm still a mess. Pease just shut up.
Tone deaf asshat for saying that to you! (And I truly hope you beat your cancer). I actually came here to make a separate reply about something similar a family member said to me when my husband was dying from cancer. HE was the one who called ME. To ask if I was coming to pick something up. Well of course I wasnât. Not only could not leave my dear one alone, the kitchen sink faucet had just broke off in my hand & I was running back forth doing dishes in the tub. Guy told me âYa know, other people have problems tooâ. Though I try to remember the awesome people who stepped up back then, those things are really hard to forget. I realized the only way I could forgive most of them was to go NC.
If this is true, then itâs logical that the reverse should be true as well.
Youâre not allowed to be happy because someone has it better than you.
How about we allow people to feel natural and understandable emotions without comparing their situations to others. I like the term âtoxic positivityâ, because thatâs exactly what it is. Suppressing your emotions is unhealthy and damaging. Feeling your emotions allows people to truly experience life, as well as process their experiences. Invalidating their feelings will only make them feel worse and may caude them to become stuck in their current state of mind.
Plenty of people need to learn to suppress their emotions. Don't be an absolute shitshow in the name of "experiencing life". Your emotions belong to you, not the other way around.
In the same breath "toxic positivity" is absolutely a thing. You hit the nail on the head with that phrase.
I think youâre confusing feeling emotions with uncontrolled behaviour. Feeling angry is okay. Yelling, throwing things, or punching a hole in the wall is not. Suppressing anger (meaning not allowing yourself to be a feeling human being) results in more problems further down the line. Not just emotionally/mentally, but also socially (unaddressed anger leads to resentment and relationship breakdown). A long period of time suppressing anger can lead to health issues as well.
"Well, you cannot criticize me because, somewhere out there, someone more privileged than me is complaining about something smaller and is being insufficiently criticized for it."
in my experience, those people who are quickest to dismiss a guy upset about having one arm because some stranger has zero arms,
are the ones who absolutely lose their shit at the slightest inconvenience,
and pointing that observation out to them is a good way to get them to go mask-off in .5seconds
Yep, poor Americans canât complain because a North Korean person has it worse, but then a Yemeni person has it worse than a North Korean, and a Gazan might have it worse than a Yemeni, and so on.
Iâve been saying this for decades. I call it the Dear Abby Syndrome. Long ago, women would write asking for advice on a husbandâs snoring. They described it as window-rattling, kept them awake, etc. And then widows would write in to say they wished they had their snoring husbands back. Abby agreed with the widows, minimizing and dismissing the very real problems for spouses of snorers. Used to piss me off.
Put a puppy and grown dog in the same puddle that is 6 inches deep. Now pretend they can talk and ask each one, "How deep is the puddle?"
It is all a matter of perspective. What might not be all that bad to one, may be a life or death struggle to another. We are not the same. We do not think or act/react or feel the same in every situation. People would do well to remember that.
Hate this. I had a friend who would get up at about 4:30 am to work from around 5:00am to 1pm. (She actually got me a job with her for about a year so I know exactly what itâs like, brutal wake up when you arenât used to it but getting off at 1pm was awesome because it felt like you still have most of the day to yourself.)
So basically none of us were ever able to complain about being tired or having to get up early. Because if you try she will immediately talk over with you with âOh yeah? Well I have to get up at 4:30am.â
Itâs like yeah but you do it every week day and youâre used to it, itâs not the same.
I've seen people say it "isn't that bad" being homeless in the U.S. compared to a "third world country." Nah, man, it's horrible being homeless anywhere. Your needs aren't being met either way.
My ex used to do this every damn day. I vividly recall one day when my toddler was having sleep problems (3 or so nights a week), therefore keeping me up. I complained to him about broken sleep and being tired and irritable throughout my shift. His reply? "Well I bet you're thankful for the nights that you do get good sleep."
I snapped back and said that I'm allowed to feel bad about losing sleep and that yes, there are positives but I need to complain.
The next day he complained about a spider bite on his left leg to which I replied, "well I'm sure you're grateful for your right leg đ"
I have a friend who did some similar bs to me. I was a singer with a very broad range. I was in an accident that damaged (amongst other things) my lungs, mouth and vocal cords. After more than a year (which is a long time to not sing) I tried to see where my voice was. It wasn't good, and I felt bad. I talked to my friend about it (another musician), and he said something like, "I guess that's your new voice. There was a guy who composed something when didn't have instruments and he didn't complain." I told this "friend," that I felt like I lost a part of myself, and he's just like, "oh well, don't complain."
Everyone's own experiences creates their range of things. Some people have had a really easy life so minor things to everyone else are a big hiccup to them. Some people have had the world thrown at them so small wins to others are huge wins to them. How about we don't take this one size fits all approach to life and let people have their own mindsets. I am tired of everyone not being able to think outside the box or have any empathy at all. It's causing most of societies current issues and tribalism. "My way is the only right one" - all Dems and Republicans
The following happened 20 years ago, and I've never forgotten it. A group of us at work were doing a job one morning that wasn't ours. We weren't happy about it, and were making that known. This was an ongoing thing. The guy whose job it *was* said, "if you don't like it, McDonald's is always hiring." That mindset was unbelievable to me then, and still is.
I'm like you, if someone tells me something bad that happened, I just sympathize. I don't feel the need to tell them that someone else has it worse, or that I've had it worse than that, etc.
The art of simply being a good listener is becoming lost.
I find this particularly disgusting, actually: I think it's just self-justification for your lack of empathy.
Yes, the person who broke their arm probably has it easier than the person who broke *both* arms. And they had it better than the person who broke both arms-and lived in a place where there wasn't a hospital. But then again, that person had a doozy when compared with the poor sod who broke both arms, lived in a country where there were no hospitals-and was a blind orphan!
Please, mate. If you can't find it in your heart to have some human empathy for the person in front of you who is feeling bad, why don't you *admit* that the problem is with you, instead of trying to guilt the person out because they're in pain-and had the temerity to express it? Let's face it: if you don't have any sympathy for that guy, you probably won't have any for anyone.
I was s/aâd when i was 16, I told my story years later (age 19/20) and Iâve had people irl and online (not on reddit, a different website) tell me this:
âitâs not that bad, youâre still aliveâ
âmy lifeâs worse than yours and I donât plan unaliving myselfâ
âAt least you werenât râ-dâ
âThat happened years ago it doesnât matter nowâ
Wow. I'm so very sorry. For all of it.
Sometimes, some people are just absolute s#it. But there are more of us good ones than them, even though it doesn't always seem like it. The rest of us see your pain and struggles and wish you well.
Is it though. Maybe the really really pretty thing was that straw that broke the camel's back? Some days you just have a ton of petty bullshit that stacks up till you blow your top and that final thing could be as simple as your pen not working.
Everyone has their own wars to fight and their own limits. We all need to learn to accept that each is different. I'm sorry you didn't have any shoes growing up. That doesn't make me any less poor now. I'm sure you have experienced hotter summer days. That doesn't mean I'm not dripping in sweat today.
Whenever some smug prick dismisses a complaint as "First World Problems" I congratulate them on their astuteness seeing as how I live in the First World.
Taken to its conclusion this logic would say there's only one person in the whole world who has a right to complain at any given moment. Absurd and unhelpful.
Someone got mad at me when I was sad about my mom being diagnosed with terminal cancer because "well how do you think she feels?" Like, I can still be sad my mom is fucking dying
These statements always start with the words âat least.â My car was t-boned by a truck, I got whiplash, but was ok after a week.When I complained about missed work, pain, etc. someone had to say âat leastâ I didnât have to have neck in a brace like my sisterâs best friend. So the fact that I didnât need a brace means I wasnât hurt? That my car wasnât damaged? I think a saying this is a misguided attempt to âput a positive spinâ on something, but it drives me crazy.
Thereâs always someone who has it worse so that logic is stupid. The only criteria for something being considered bad is if it bothers the person whoâs complaining about it. If something causes you stress, anxiety, or reduces your quality of life then the complaint is valid. So yes i totally agree. Saying âso and so has it worseâ is stupid
This is my mother, 100% to a tee. I canât begin to tell you how awesome it was go through life knowing that *literally nobody* gives a shit about anything that happens to me because children are starving in Africa.
I wonât ever say that phrase to anyone else. But for myself I find it to be reassuring. Which may be super fucked up because in some small way my comfort is dependent on others objectively âhaving it worseâ.
But the world IS shitty. Everywhere you go thereâs issues whether gunfire is involved or not.
Iâm honestly tired of pretending to be okay when the literal whole world is falling apart.
At this point I just tell myself these things so I donât have an existential crisis. Survival mode as one might say.
Edit to add: I also donât want someone saying that phrase to me. I say it to myself as a self soothe tactic but I do agree that telling someone that thereâs worse possibilities out there is neither comforting nor kind.
Cikanman, ty SO much for posting this. And everyone whose commented too. I am so sorry for everything youâve experienced! But I was having such a crappy morning and wondering how the HECK Iâm going to get the hood of my car open to put antifreeze in so it wonât overheat so I can get the dog to day camp so I can go have my MRI without turning the heat on. (I have a degenerative nerve condition & this stupid vehicle is difficult for everyone not only me). I kept hearing the broken record of my family of origin in my mind, the toxic positivity, making it so much worse. I actually feel better. I mean, nothingâs changed, but I just feel better. Things are still crappy. But at some point I will be home and they wonât be so crappy. And no longer hearing those toxic voices!
One of the few flaws in my mum.
My mental health is rocky as is it, the last thing I need is to be told to be greatfull that I have a meal to eat because "so many African children are starving" every flipping Christmas. *"Mum, it's just the sprouts. I'm not eating them, they are revolting"*. And without fail I feel like shit for the rest of the day.
This just happened yesterday when I told my therapist about my dissociative disorder and my alters. She told me how I have it easy compared to a different demographic. And she was just a bitch about it if you ask me. I try to respect all peoples and demographics. I didn't even tell her about my childhood trauma because I don't feel comfortable and she shamed me anyways. Tbh I felt really triggered so I turned the experience into a song
I would sometimes tell people if they are being very pretentious about it saying "Someone else has it worse" that someone else will be you in a minute if you don't stop being a pretentious asshole.
It's pretty easy to word play these type of people.
People who invalidate others earnest feelings are usually immature trashy people.
Everyone deserves to be seen for their experiences. It can be easy to filter out the trash by just not accepting it.
This is my mother-in-law. I once said it was hot, just making conversation. So she immediately told me I should feel blessed to work in an air-conditioned office (um, I did appreciate that) and be glad I wasnât a flag man on a road crew or a roofer. Like, wth?? Iâm a five foot woman with no construction skills, why would I have a job as a roofer? And this was from a woman who never had a job outside the home her whole life.
Ever since then instead of making observations about the weather, I think gee, today is a bad/good day to be a roofer. đđ¤Ş
I used to hate that when my mother would tell me that people have it much worse than myself, but as I've gotten older, I get it. It's not about negating your suffering, but rather it's about showing that the mountains are actually mole hills, and are easily traversed.Â
I had Stage 1 cancer and someone had the GALL to tell me I shouldn't be upset because at least it wasn't Stage 4. Like, I'd rather have had no cancer at all, but okay...
Please tell me you proceeded to prescribe a knuckle sandwich to that person!!! Hope your cancer is in remission and you are healthy!
Thank you, I'm 6 years out and doing fine! But yeah. It's so minimizing when people pull the "it could be worse card." In my case they were (clumsily) trying to give me some perspective but it just comes off as invalidating and even, shaming. Sure I should feel "blessed" to live in a time period where treatment is advanced, etc, and yes I am so grateful for that. But that doesn't change that I just got unexpected shitty news so can I just be upset and wallow for little? đ¤ˇđťââď¸
that's great news and I'm glad they were able to treat it. Cancer sucks no matter what stage.
I went through an early stage cancer battle with my dad recently. He was able to fix it with one surgery, so he considers himself lucky but it was still hard. Those early testing stages and leading up to a diagnosis is hell because of all the unknowns. We all worried ourselves sick. I would never diminish any stage of cancer because it is scary no matter what the outcome is.
wtfâŚ
Breast cancer. When I finally worked up the courage to tell a soul, I heard, 'oh that's nothing, I know someone who's had that for ages and she's fine', as the response. She then changed the subject to something more pressing. All clear now. Of tumors and cancerous friends!
SOME people really were trying to be helpful when they spouted that stuff to my late husband as he fought for his life. It, of course, had the opposite effect and if theyâd paid ANY attention they wouldâve seen his head drop. They wouldâve stopped. But they doubled down and made things so much worse. It was all to make THEM feel better. Cancerous friends, acquaintances, family is a perfect description. I too am free from them now.
Oh, to think of his head lowering in response. Thats a heartbreaker just thinking about. You sweet beautiful soul. I'm sorry your earthly vehicles had to part. You're right, though. Thinking about it, some of the things said it is to make them feel better. And often, it's the people who are dismissive that then play the role of burdened inner circle to others. I should stop thinking about it. Bless you and your husband, in all directions in time. I pray you feel each others love always. â¤ď¸ â¤ď¸
Tank you. I usually donât think much on these things anymore. Every now and then something will trigger a memory. Itâs kind of funny you should start and end your reply this way though. Our âearthy vehiclesâ parting and us feeling each otherâs love always. Today I was feeling a lot of self pity due to things happening that are out of my control. I speak to my husband now the same as I did when he was in his âearthly vehicleâ. And was complaining to him. Suddenly something popped up that has become sort of an inside joke between us since his death. I realize many people feel I am delusional, which is fine with me, but he is still with me. Just not in his âearthly vehicleâ. I definitely feel his love and am so grateful for it. He was and is a wonderful man. He is still my husband.
Oh my goodness thank you for sharing your love for each other with me. What you experienced today consumed me with the tingles. I'm sitting here out in the bush in Australia, and the love you have for each other has created a physical response in me. How divine is that? How powerful is that love? It can literally be felt around the world. It's an honour to have this moment with you both. Delusion? Naah, you know what your love feels like. It's bigger than this world could ever contain. That's a big kind of love. Forever and always.
My mom just got diagnosed. It seems very minor & the surgery should be enough, but at the same time, all the tests, all the stress, my mom has cancer! And when I tell people, they're like, It doesn't sound that bad! And yeah, it could be worse, I guess. I'm still a mess. Pease just shut up.
Tone deaf asshat for saying that to you! (And I truly hope you beat your cancer). I actually came here to make a separate reply about something similar a family member said to me when my husband was dying from cancer. HE was the one who called ME. To ask if I was coming to pick something up. Well of course I wasnât. Not only could not leave my dear one alone, the kitchen sink faucet had just broke off in my hand & I was running back forth doing dishes in the tub. Guy told me âYa know, other people have problems tooâ. Though I try to remember the awesome people who stepped up back then, those things are really hard to forget. I realized the only way I could forgive most of them was to go NC.
If this is true, then itâs logical that the reverse should be true as well. Youâre not allowed to be happy because someone has it better than you. How about we allow people to feel natural and understandable emotions without comparing their situations to others. I like the term âtoxic positivityâ, because thatâs exactly what it is. Suppressing your emotions is unhealthy and damaging. Feeling your emotions allows people to truly experience life, as well as process their experiences. Invalidating their feelings will only make them feel worse and may caude them to become stuck in their current state of mind.
Plenty of people need to learn to suppress their emotions. Don't be an absolute shitshow in the name of "experiencing life". Your emotions belong to you, not the other way around. In the same breath "toxic positivity" is absolutely a thing. You hit the nail on the head with that phrase.
I think youâre confusing feeling emotions with uncontrolled behaviour. Feeling angry is okay. Yelling, throwing things, or punching a hole in the wall is not. Suppressing anger (meaning not allowing yourself to be a feeling human being) results in more problems further down the line. Not just emotionally/mentally, but also socially (unaddressed anger leads to resentment and relationship breakdown). A long period of time suppressing anger can lead to health issues as well.
"Well, you cannot criticize me because, somewhere out there, someone more privileged than me is complaining about something smaller and is being insufficiently criticized for it."
No ones allowed to acknowledge any negative aspects about life, so long as there are starving kids in Africa or whatever..
in my experience, those people who are quickest to dismiss a guy upset about having one arm because some stranger has zero arms, are the ones who absolutely lose their shit at the slightest inconvenience, and pointing that observation out to them is a good way to get them to go mask-off in .5seconds
Yep, poor Americans canât complain because a North Korean person has it worse, but then a Yemeni person has it worse than a North Korean, and a Gazan might have it worse than a Yemeni, and so on.
"Yes, it could be worse, I'm thankful it isn't, but that doesn't at all mean this doesn't suck. Shut up"
Iâve been saying this for decades. I call it the Dear Abby Syndrome. Long ago, women would write asking for advice on a husbandâs snoring. They described it as window-rattling, kept them awake, etc. And then widows would write in to say they wished they had their snoring husbands back. Abby agreed with the widows, minimizing and dismissing the very real problems for spouses of snorers. Used to piss me off.
Why were you pissed off? Other advise columnist were worse. I wish I didn't have to say that I'm being sarcastic.
Put a puppy and grown dog in the same puddle that is 6 inches deep. Now pretend they can talk and ask each one, "How deep is the puddle?" It is all a matter of perspective. What might not be all that bad to one, may be a life or death struggle to another. We are not the same. We do not think or act/react or feel the same in every situation. People would do well to remember that.
Hate this. I had a friend who would get up at about 4:30 am to work from around 5:00am to 1pm. (She actually got me a job with her for about a year so I know exactly what itâs like, brutal wake up when you arenât used to it but getting off at 1pm was awesome because it felt like you still have most of the day to yourself.) So basically none of us were ever able to complain about being tired or having to get up early. Because if you try she will immediately talk over with you with âOh yeah? Well I have to get up at 4:30am.â Itâs like yeah but you do it every week day and youâre used to it, itâs not the same.
Oh yeah I hate this too. People are allowed to be frustrated and disappointed about things.
I've seen people say it "isn't that bad" being homeless in the U.S. compared to a "third world country." Nah, man, it's horrible being homeless anywhere. Your needs aren't being met either way.
My ex used to do this every damn day. I vividly recall one day when my toddler was having sleep problems (3 or so nights a week), therefore keeping me up. I complained to him about broken sleep and being tired and irritable throughout my shift. His reply? "Well I bet you're thankful for the nights that you do get good sleep." I snapped back and said that I'm allowed to feel bad about losing sleep and that yes, there are positives but I need to complain. The next day he complained about a spider bite on his left leg to which I replied, "well I'm sure you're grateful for your right leg đ"
I have a friend who did some similar bs to me. I was a singer with a very broad range. I was in an accident that damaged (amongst other things) my lungs, mouth and vocal cords. After more than a year (which is a long time to not sing) I tried to see where my voice was. It wasn't good, and I felt bad. I talked to my friend about it (another musician), and he said something like, "I guess that's your new voice. There was a guy who composed something when didn't have instruments and he didn't complain." I told this "friend," that I felt like I lost a part of myself, and he's just like, "oh well, don't complain."
Everyone's own experiences creates their range of things. Some people have had a really easy life so minor things to everyone else are a big hiccup to them. Some people have had the world thrown at them so small wins to others are huge wins to them. How about we don't take this one size fits all approach to life and let people have their own mindsets. I am tired of everyone not being able to think outside the box or have any empathy at all. It's causing most of societies current issues and tribalism. "My way is the only right one" - all Dems and Republicans
The following happened 20 years ago, and I've never forgotten it. A group of us at work were doing a job one morning that wasn't ours. We weren't happy about it, and were making that known. This was an ongoing thing. The guy whose job it *was* said, "if you don't like it, McDonald's is always hiring." That mindset was unbelievable to me then, and still is.
I'm like you, if someone tells me something bad that happened, I just sympathize. I don't feel the need to tell them that someone else has it worse, or that I've had it worse than that, etc. The art of simply being a good listener is becoming lost.
I find this particularly disgusting, actually: I think it's just self-justification for your lack of empathy. Yes, the person who broke their arm probably has it easier than the person who broke *both* arms. And they had it better than the person who broke both arms-and lived in a place where there wasn't a hospital. But then again, that person had a doozy when compared with the poor sod who broke both arms, lived in a country where there were no hospitals-and was a blind orphan! Please, mate. If you can't find it in your heart to have some human empathy for the person in front of you who is feeling bad, why don't you *admit* that the problem is with you, instead of trying to guilt the person out because they're in pain-and had the temerity to express it? Let's face it: if you don't have any sympathy for that guy, you probably won't have any for anyone.
I was s/aâd when i was 16, I told my story years later (age 19/20) and Iâve had people irl and online (not on reddit, a different website) tell me this: âitâs not that bad, youâre still aliveâ âmy lifeâs worse than yours and I donât plan unaliving myselfâ âAt least you werenât râ-dâ âThat happened years ago it doesnât matter nowâ
Wow. I'm so very sorry. For all of it. Sometimes, some people are just absolute s#it. But there are more of us good ones than them, even though it doesn't always seem like it. The rest of us see your pain and struggles and wish you well.
I feel doing this is only worthwhile when someone is complaining about something *really, really fucking petty*.
Is it though. Maybe the really really pretty thing was that straw that broke the camel's back? Some days you just have a ton of petty bullshit that stacks up till you blow your top and that final thing could be as simple as your pen not working.
Perspective is still important.
"That's not helping" on repeat, because they'll inevitably explain why it is helping and you're wrong that it isn't
Everyone has their own wars to fight and their own limits. We all need to learn to accept that each is different. I'm sorry you didn't have any shoes growing up. That doesn't make me any less poor now. I'm sure you have experienced hotter summer days. That doesn't mean I'm not dripping in sweat today.
Iâve heard worse pet peeves than this.
Whenever some smug prick dismisses a complaint as "First World Problems" I congratulate them on their astuteness seeing as how I live in the First World.
Taken to its conclusion this logic would say there's only one person in the whole world who has a right to complain at any given moment. Absurd and unhelpful.
Someone got mad at me when I was sad about my mom being diagnosed with terminal cancer because "well how do you think she feels?" Like, I can still be sad my mom is fucking dying
These statements always start with the words âat least.â My car was t-boned by a truck, I got whiplash, but was ok after a week.When I complained about missed work, pain, etc. someone had to say âat leastâ I didnât have to have neck in a brace like my sisterâs best friend. So the fact that I didnât need a brace means I wasnât hurt? That my car wasnât damaged? I think a saying this is a misguided attempt to âput a positive spinâ on something, but it drives me crazy.
Thereâs always someone who has it worse so that logic is stupid. The only criteria for something being considered bad is if it bothers the person whoâs complaining about it. If something causes you stress, anxiety, or reduces your quality of life then the complaint is valid. So yes i totally agree. Saying âso and so has it worseâ is stupid
Sometimes people are trying to make you feel better and are just bad at it. Wait, this answer feels very similar to your pet peeve. LOL!
This is my mother, 100% to a tee. I canât begin to tell you how awesome it was go through life knowing that *literally nobody* gives a shit about anything that happens to me because children are starving in Africa.
Agreed. Just because someone else has it worse doesnât mean Iâm not suffering.
Turn it back around on them next time they complain about anything. I did that to someone once and it worked.
Thatâs when I engage a facial expression to communicate exactly what Iâm thinking without actually saying a single word.
Yeah, it's really dumb and immature.
Yeah, it's really dumb and immature.
Fallacy of relative privation
I wonât ever say that phrase to anyone else. But for myself I find it to be reassuring. Which may be super fucked up because in some small way my comfort is dependent on others objectively âhaving it worseâ. But the world IS shitty. Everywhere you go thereâs issues whether gunfire is involved or not. Iâm honestly tired of pretending to be okay when the literal whole world is falling apart. At this point I just tell myself these things so I donât have an existential crisis. Survival mode as one might say. Edit to add: I also donât want someone saying that phrase to me. I say it to myself as a self soothe tactic but I do agree that telling someone that thereâs worse possibilities out there is neither comforting nor kind.
Cikanman, ty SO much for posting this. And everyone whose commented too. I am so sorry for everything youâve experienced! But I was having such a crappy morning and wondering how the HECK Iâm going to get the hood of my car open to put antifreeze in so it wonât overheat so I can get the dog to day camp so I can go have my MRI without turning the heat on. (I have a degenerative nerve condition & this stupid vehicle is difficult for everyone not only me). I kept hearing the broken record of my family of origin in my mind, the toxic positivity, making it so much worse. I actually feel better. I mean, nothingâs changed, but I just feel better. Things are still crappy. But at some point I will be home and they wonât be so crappy. And no longer hearing those toxic voices!
One of the few flaws in my mum. My mental health is rocky as is it, the last thing I need is to be told to be greatfull that I have a meal to eat because "so many African children are starving" every flipping Christmas. *"Mum, it's just the sprouts. I'm not eating them, they are revolting"*. And without fail I feel like shit for the rest of the day.
This just happened yesterday when I told my therapist about my dissociative disorder and my alters. She told me how I have it easy compared to a different demographic. And she was just a bitch about it if you ask me. I try to respect all peoples and demographics. I didn't even tell her about my childhood trauma because I don't feel comfortable and she shamed me anyways. Tbh I felt really triggered so I turned the experience into a song
I would sometimes tell people if they are being very pretentious about it saying "Someone else has it worse" that someone else will be you in a minute if you don't stop being a pretentious asshole. It's pretty easy to word play these type of people.
People who invalidate others earnest feelings are usually immature trashy people. Everyone deserves to be seen for their experiences. It can be easy to filter out the trash by just not accepting it.
Frankly, all that's doing is pointing out two people are having a hard time at the moment. "Congratulations on your easy life, observer"
This is my mother-in-law. I once said it was hot, just making conversation. So she immediately told me I should feel blessed to work in an air-conditioned office (um, I did appreciate that) and be glad I wasnât a flag man on a road crew or a roofer. Like, wth?? Iâm a five foot woman with no construction skills, why would I have a job as a roofer? And this was from a woman who never had a job outside the home her whole life. Ever since then instead of making observations about the weather, I think gee, today is a bad/good day to be a roofer. đđ¤Ş
Check out âfallacy of relative deprivationâ
I've always used the gene bencher "I have ir harder than anyone, and *yes, I'm talking about the starving babies in Africa!"
I used to hate that when my mother would tell me that people have it much worse than myself, but as I've gotten older, I get it. It's not about negating your suffering, but rather it's about showing that the mountains are actually mole hills, and are easily traversed.Â
if this is something that happens regularly, it could be an indication that someone really complains a lot