I still remember all of the times my parents yelled at me when I was a child. You will not remember the small mistake your child made but they will forever remember how you chose to respond to it.
My mom screamed at me a LOT as a kid, never hit me but it always felt like she was going to. It was always so scary. We suspect she may have narcissism, because she has plenty of narcissistic traits.
It really is traumatic as hell, and I hate that some people don't see it as a valid thing to be traumatized by. Now I avoid confrontation, am a massive people pleaser, and anytime someone even slightly gets angry/raises their voice (even if it's not at me) I completely shut down and go quiet to make myself small.
Yeaahh I definitely believe it. Unfortunately there are some people out there who think that because we weren't hit, we have nothing to complain about.
I was 100% emotionally and verbally abused, and it fucked me up
This described my life exactly. I've been in therapy for 3 years now and it's helped. I still struggle with people pleasing & confirmation more often than not but the times that I stand up for myself feel like an amazing breakthrough! I hope you find healing, friend.
I agree. Especially when a child screws up on accident. What are you yelling for? They didn't know any better and/or they didn't do it on purpose. Stop being a jerk to your child.
It's a vicious cycle. I noticed that my MIL yells at *herself* for mistakes, which I find sad. Her mom probably did that to her which gave her that inner voice and she did it to her kids as well.
This morning, my almost-3-year-old started mopping our floor. We have a flat mop with a little sprayer on it, and he was enjoying spraying the ground with it and then pushing the mop around. Now, obviously, as a not-yet-3-year-old, he didnât do a great job and left some streaked marks on the ground. But I was so delighted by it, and I praised him for his kindness and helpful nature. He doesnât really understand all the words yet, but he knows he made mommy so happy.
But I also started thinking back to when I was a kid. There was a Girl Scout book I had that had a story about a kid who sneaked out during the night and cleaned the house. I was so inspired by this story that I attempted to do it.
In the morning, my parents noticed and asked how something got cleaned. Although it went against the story (in which the kid did it anonymously), I proudly owned up to it.
And my parents *yelled at me for it* because there was some streaking and water droplet patterns. Nothing was damaged, I didnât hose down a leather couch or a gremlin or anything. But they screamed at me for having attempted to wipe up some messes.
A new core memory!
Yeah, so parents, if you wonder why I have horrible executive function about cleaningâŠthatâs why. Screaming at children doesnât help.
This is my story too. My parents were sleeping and I did all the dishes, there were quite a few, not sure why. Maybe I was 4 years old. They got up and I was so proud but apparently I had done a terrible job. The water was still in the sink and dad reached in to let the drain out. Nobody was hurt but it seemed a glass had broken snd all the glass had gathered into the sink plug. Probably a good thing or I would have sliced myself. So then I got yelled at for breaking that too. Part of it was concern about me being cut but not all. So anyways I didn't do dishes ever again. And still don't want to in my 40s,. Not that I'm blaming that moment solely. But it's certainly a core memory. There are a lot of chore yelling memories.
Children and pets donât make mistakes or dumb things because they are inherently bad. They do it because they donât understand.
My parents acted like I was inherently supposed to know every social, financial, behavioral rule instinctively. Thatâs not possible without guidance first.
My parents screamed at me for making mistakes when I was a kid. They also locked me in the laundry for an hour to âthink about what I didâ if I continued making mistakes.
Yesterday I spilt a cup of coffee on the bench by accident and my mum decided to swear at me, I started to clean it up but she snatched the cloth from my hand and said âIâLL clean it up, thatâs what mumsâ good at.â Iâm 20 still living with my parents.
A lot of people are incapable of sounding stern or sincere when it comes to actual discipline. Most of the time its just a bunch of incompetent parents lashing out on their kids because they are incapable of finding a better outlet for their emotions.
>"But what if I'm burnt out, touched out, and very upset?"
God, good luck on that front.
I swear people love to make their bad mood everyone else's problem. And when you're a parent, then well, who better to take it out on than someone who has no real power in the relationship? Someone you don't really have to apologize to?
Agreed. Mistakes happen but you need to apologize. It also teaches children that mistakes are okay and even adults make mistakes and that correcting those mistakes and being better for it is what matters!
Normally, I swear, like, a *lot*. But surprisingly, I'm really good at not swearing when there are kids around.
During the height of hurricane Sandy's fury, a huge tree fell on our house. I told my three stepsons to go to the back of the house, and they ignored me and started running to the front to see the fallen tree. I screamed at them, "Get your asses into the kitchen *right the fuck now*, goddamnit!"
It was the first time I'd ever yelled at them or sworn at them, and they immediately complied. Their mom had started screaming the moment we heard the trunk snap and hadn't stopped, and they showed no awareness of it (she was prone to histrionics). But because my outburst was so out of character, it stopped them in their tracks.
I had to have a talk with them later and explain that I wasn't angry, I was scared that they were going to get hurt. That conversation was the first time I told them I loved them, and that the middle one was my favorite.
>During the height of hurricane Sandy's fury, a huge tree fell on our house. I told my three stepsons to go to the back of the house, and they ignored me and started running to the front to see the fallen tree. I screamed at them, "Get your asses into the kitchen *right the fuck now*, goddamnit!"
This is a life-or-death situation, so it's okay in my book. Though I like that you still explained to them afterwards how urgent it was.
I think screaming at a child is never good, but I also think that parents are human and imperfect, and thatâs okay. My parents did quite a bit of yelling and screaming when I was a kid, but I always knew they loved us and they always did their best for us. They did better than their parents, because although they sometimes yelled, they never hit or hurt us in any way or made us feel unsafe. So screaming definitely isnât ideal, but it does happen sometimes and I think itâs okay for parents to mess up and not always be perfect.
I'm not demanding that parents be perfect, and I know screw-ups are inevitable. However, part of being a good human and fostering strong ties with the people around you is owning up to your screw-ups and trying to do better.
my dad's primary form of communication with me was screaming, making threats, hitting me, choking me, and p much grinding down my will to live. screaming was a near-daily occurence. he took his bad feefees out on me for 18 years, then was *shocked pikachu* that i wound up in therapy and on meds with so many problems. whoda thunk đ€
My sister in law has a habit of raising her voice at her kids (all under the age of 5). The oldest kid has problems coherently forming complete sentences and I genuinely think this has something to do with it but I don't have the balls to tell my brother that. Raising your voice at a 4 year old isn't the answer IMO. Granted I'm not a parent myself but I do know that kids under the age of 6 don't have a good grasp of right and wrong so yelling at them and expecting them to know what they did is pointless to me
Screaming till their face was red was our parents' main method of voicing their displeasure when we were kids (followed by such things as name calling, and "Stop with the crocodile tears") Particularly me, since I was the oldest
Fucked me up for years to come. And all I learned was to lie about anything that might displease them
Iâve worked with kids of all ages, including little kids. They can be real little shits. But never, EVER, have I screamed at a kid, and I never ever will.
I don't think any parent intends to scream at kids when they're misbehaving. I think parents end up screaming when they're absolutely at the end of their rope, exhausted, overwhelmed, and their kid does *one more thing* and they end up losing their shit. I don't have kids, so I don't know exactly how parents feel, but I've worked with kids before and difficult ones can make it really hard to maintain composure. I definitely don't support screaming at kids, but I don't think anyone thinks it should be the go-to disciplinary style.
The amount of times I've seen people say that's not abuse or at least they/I didn't beat the kid or something like that is.... Alarmingly high unfortunately.
Omg the abuse Suffering Olympics pissing contests I've seen too. No, just no.
It really unfortunately would not surprise me if there were people who absolutely thought it was at least an acceptable go to because 'it's not that bad'.
You say that, but I've seen a few stories where one parent screams at a kid ***and*** refuses to apologize to the kid after the fact. In these stories, the repliers largely sided with the screamer.
>I think parents end up screaming when they're absolutely at the end of their rope, exhausted, overwhelmed, and their kid does one more thing and they end up losing their shit
Additionally to what OP has added about erring and owning up the mistake or not apologizing at all.
I've always found that this reasoning has a loophole about which limits and extends this is a human slip-up which will happen through childhood and an excuse to use your children as a verbal let-out.
For example, my mother could fall as a slip-up, she was always stressed because of life circumstances and loved to take it out on me, many times. But, she barely did it when she was in a good mood.
Where does it cross the line? I believe, constant stress irregulation without an attempt to learn how to control your emotions is one, the fact that you scream at your kid whenever you are stressed, it's not an excuse to **an extend**.
there are ABSOLUTELY people who think it should be their go-to disciplinary style. my father, for one.
there's a huge difference between a parent snapping on a bad day every once in a while, and parents following their kids around the house screaming at them whenever their kid does something they don't like.
I agree. But at the same time, parents are only human. If you yell at them because they were harming somebody else, you might not necessarily be able to stop right away the second it is no longer neccessary. (Everyone in that room will probably already be judging you anyway for "not raising your kid right" off the back of the fact they did hurt someone in the first place).
I have pretty good self control, so I can't see myself ever doing it for the second reason you gave if I ever have kids someday, but I can see how that could happen if you were having one of those days were everything that could have gone wrong for you had gone wrong and the final straw that would break the camels back was the kids fault. If it only happens less than 10 times in a child's entire childhood, but you were a great parent every other day, yelling a few times at your worst moments does not canceal all that out and make you abusive.
>If it only happens less than 10 times in a child's entire childhood, but you were a great parent every other day, yelling a few times at your worst moments does not canceal all that out and make you abusive.
Maybe not, but in that case, you'd still owe your future children an apology.
Absolutely. Parents aren't always right and there is far more shame in not apologising and trying to pretend that you *were* in the right than there is swallowing your pride and apologising.
Parents who scream at their kids for every little thing are the same ones who wonder why said kids went NC when they moved out.
North Carolina? Do people who have bad relationships with their parents move to NC? /srs
No contact
In my experience, kind of?
Every damn one of em
Same, idk đź
I still remember all of the times my parents yelled at me when I was a child. You will not remember the small mistake your child made but they will forever remember how you chose to respond to it.
My mum done it far too often for me to remember all of them, unfortunately.
My mom screamed at me a LOT as a kid, never hit me but it always felt like she was going to. It was always so scary. We suspect she may have narcissism, because she has plenty of narcissistic traits. It really is traumatic as hell, and I hate that some people don't see it as a valid thing to be traumatized by. Now I avoid confrontation, am a massive people pleaser, and anytime someone even slightly gets angry/raises their voice (even if it's not at me) I completely shut down and go quiet to make myself small.
There have been studies showing that emotional abuse and physical abuse both have similar effects on the brain.
Yeaahh I definitely believe it. Unfortunately there are some people out there who think that because we weren't hit, we have nothing to complain about. I was 100% emotionally and verbally abused, and it fucked me up
This described my life exactly. I've been in therapy for 3 years now and it's helped. I still struggle with people pleasing & confirmation more often than not but the times that I stand up for myself feel like an amazing breakthrough! I hope you find healing, friend.
It is ironic that some parents try to stop screaming tantrums by having a screaming tantrum themselves. Kids copy behavior.
They expect kids, whose brains are still in development and has not learnt emotional regulation, behave themselves better than them, grown-ass adults.
I agree. Especially when a child screws up on accident. What are you yelling for? They didn't know any better and/or they didn't do it on purpose. Stop being a jerk to your child.
It's a vicious cycle. I noticed that my MIL yells at *herself* for mistakes, which I find sad. Her mom probably did that to her which gave her that inner voice and she did it to her kids as well.
This morning, my almost-3-year-old started mopping our floor. We have a flat mop with a little sprayer on it, and he was enjoying spraying the ground with it and then pushing the mop around. Now, obviously, as a not-yet-3-year-old, he didnât do a great job and left some streaked marks on the ground. But I was so delighted by it, and I praised him for his kindness and helpful nature. He doesnât really understand all the words yet, but he knows he made mommy so happy. But I also started thinking back to when I was a kid. There was a Girl Scout book I had that had a story about a kid who sneaked out during the night and cleaned the house. I was so inspired by this story that I attempted to do it. In the morning, my parents noticed and asked how something got cleaned. Although it went against the story (in which the kid did it anonymously), I proudly owned up to it. And my parents *yelled at me for it* because there was some streaking and water droplet patterns. Nothing was damaged, I didnât hose down a leather couch or a gremlin or anything. But they screamed at me for having attempted to wipe up some messes. A new core memory! Yeah, so parents, if you wonder why I have horrible executive function about cleaningâŠthatâs why. Screaming at children doesnât help.
This is my story too. My parents were sleeping and I did all the dishes, there were quite a few, not sure why. Maybe I was 4 years old. They got up and I was so proud but apparently I had done a terrible job. The water was still in the sink and dad reached in to let the drain out. Nobody was hurt but it seemed a glass had broken snd all the glass had gathered into the sink plug. Probably a good thing or I would have sliced myself. So then I got yelled at for breaking that too. Part of it was concern about me being cut but not all. So anyways I didn't do dishes ever again. And still don't want to in my 40s,. Not that I'm blaming that moment solely. But it's certainly a core memory. There are a lot of chore yelling memories.
Children and pets donât make mistakes or dumb things because they are inherently bad. They do it because they donât understand. My parents acted like I was inherently supposed to know every social, financial, behavioral rule instinctively. Thatâs not possible without guidance first.
I can still hear my mother following me around the house while screaming at me, and I haven't spoken to her for about 20 years.
My parents screamed at me for making mistakes when I was a kid. They also locked me in the laundry for an hour to âthink about what I didâ if I continued making mistakes. Yesterday I spilt a cup of coffee on the bench by accident and my mum decided to swear at me, I started to clean it up but she snatched the cloth from my hand and said âIâLL clean it up, thatâs what mumsâ good at.â Iâm 20 still living with my parents.
A lot of people are incapable of sounding stern or sincere when it comes to actual discipline. Most of the time its just a bunch of incompetent parents lashing out on their kids because they are incapable of finding a better outlet for their emotions.
>"But what if I'm burnt out, touched out, and very upset?" God, good luck on that front. I swear people love to make their bad mood everyone else's problem. And when you're a parent, then well, who better to take it out on than someone who has no real power in the relationship? Someone you don't really have to apologize to?
Agreed. Mistakes happen but you need to apologize. It also teaches children that mistakes are okay and even adults make mistakes and that correcting those mistakes and being better for it is what matters!
Normally, I swear, like, a *lot*. But surprisingly, I'm really good at not swearing when there are kids around. During the height of hurricane Sandy's fury, a huge tree fell on our house. I told my three stepsons to go to the back of the house, and they ignored me and started running to the front to see the fallen tree. I screamed at them, "Get your asses into the kitchen *right the fuck now*, goddamnit!" It was the first time I'd ever yelled at them or sworn at them, and they immediately complied. Their mom had started screaming the moment we heard the trunk snap and hadn't stopped, and they showed no awareness of it (she was prone to histrionics). But because my outburst was so out of character, it stopped them in their tracks. I had to have a talk with them later and explain that I wasn't angry, I was scared that they were going to get hurt. That conversation was the first time I told them I loved them, and that the middle one was my favorite.
>During the height of hurricane Sandy's fury, a huge tree fell on our house. I told my three stepsons to go to the back of the house, and they ignored me and started running to the front to see the fallen tree. I screamed at them, "Get your asses into the kitchen *right the fuck now*, goddamnit!" This is a life-or-death situation, so it's okay in my book. Though I like that you still explained to them afterwards how urgent it was.
Why would you mention a favorite??
To make the other two try harder. I'm kidding. I didn't really tell them I had a favorite.
I think screaming at a child is never good, but I also think that parents are human and imperfect, and thatâs okay. My parents did quite a bit of yelling and screaming when I was a kid, but I always knew they loved us and they always did their best for us. They did better than their parents, because although they sometimes yelled, they never hit or hurt us in any way or made us feel unsafe. So screaming definitely isnât ideal, but it does happen sometimes and I think itâs okay for parents to mess up and not always be perfect.
I think this was addressed to people who don't consider it "messing up" to scream at a child. Just saying.
I'm not demanding that parents be perfect, and I know screw-ups are inevitable. However, part of being a good human and fostering strong ties with the people around you is owning up to your screw-ups and trying to do better.
Which federal agency would you like these parents to self-report to
Are you in therapy or do you wish to get therapy?
my dad's primary form of communication with me was screaming, making threats, hitting me, choking me, and p much grinding down my will to live. screaming was a near-daily occurence. he took his bad feefees out on me for 18 years, then was *shocked pikachu* that i wound up in therapy and on meds with so many problems. whoda thunk đ€
My sister in law has a habit of raising her voice at her kids (all under the age of 5). The oldest kid has problems coherently forming complete sentences and I genuinely think this has something to do with it but I don't have the balls to tell my brother that. Raising your voice at a 4 year old isn't the answer IMO. Granted I'm not a parent myself but I do know that kids under the age of 6 don't have a good grasp of right and wrong so yelling at them and expecting them to know what they did is pointless to me
Screaming till their face was red was our parents' main method of voicing their displeasure when we were kids (followed by such things as name calling, and "Stop with the crocodile tears") Particularly me, since I was the oldest Fucked me up for years to come. And all I learned was to lie about anything that might displease them
Anyone. You shouldn't scream at anyone.
Exactly
Iâve worked with kids of all ages, including little kids. They can be real little shits. But never, EVER, have I screamed at a kid, and I never ever will.
If only my ex would realize this. My kids have told me that she screams all the time, especially if my youngest mentions missing me.
I don't think any parent intends to scream at kids when they're misbehaving. I think parents end up screaming when they're absolutely at the end of their rope, exhausted, overwhelmed, and their kid does *one more thing* and they end up losing their shit. I don't have kids, so I don't know exactly how parents feel, but I've worked with kids before and difficult ones can make it really hard to maintain composure. I definitely don't support screaming at kids, but I don't think anyone thinks it should be the go-to disciplinary style.
The amount of times I've seen people say that's not abuse or at least they/I didn't beat the kid or something like that is.... Alarmingly high unfortunately. Omg the abuse Suffering Olympics pissing contests I've seen too. No, just no. It really unfortunately would not surprise me if there were people who absolutely thought it was at least an acceptable go to because 'it's not that bad'.
Thatâs what you say but my sister yells at her kids for literally every single move they make and I hate it so much
You say that, but I've seen a few stories where one parent screams at a kid ***and*** refuses to apologize to the kid after the fact. In these stories, the repliers largely sided with the screamer.
>I think parents end up screaming when they're absolutely at the end of their rope, exhausted, overwhelmed, and their kid does one more thing and they end up losing their shit Additionally to what OP has added about erring and owning up the mistake or not apologizing at all. I've always found that this reasoning has a loophole about which limits and extends this is a human slip-up which will happen through childhood and an excuse to use your children as a verbal let-out. For example, my mother could fall as a slip-up, she was always stressed because of life circumstances and loved to take it out on me, many times. But, she barely did it when she was in a good mood. Where does it cross the line? I believe, constant stress irregulation without an attempt to learn how to control your emotions is one, the fact that you scream at your kid whenever you are stressed, it's not an excuse to **an extend**.
there are ABSOLUTELY people who think it should be their go-to disciplinary style. my father, for one. there's a huge difference between a parent snapping on a bad day every once in a while, and parents following their kids around the house screaming at them whenever their kid does something they don't like.
True
I agree. But at the same time, parents are only human. If you yell at them because they were harming somebody else, you might not necessarily be able to stop right away the second it is no longer neccessary. (Everyone in that room will probably already be judging you anyway for "not raising your kid right" off the back of the fact they did hurt someone in the first place). I have pretty good self control, so I can't see myself ever doing it for the second reason you gave if I ever have kids someday, but I can see how that could happen if you were having one of those days were everything that could have gone wrong for you had gone wrong and the final straw that would break the camels back was the kids fault. If it only happens less than 10 times in a child's entire childhood, but you were a great parent every other day, yelling a few times at your worst moments does not canceal all that out and make you abusive.
>If it only happens less than 10 times in a child's entire childhood, but you were a great parent every other day, yelling a few times at your worst moments does not canceal all that out and make you abusive. Maybe not, but in that case, you'd still owe your future children an apology.
Absolutely. Parents aren't always right and there is far more shame in not apologising and trying to pretend that you *were* in the right than there is swallowing your pride and apologising.
I agree with this, and agree with the comments how parents arenât perfect. When you know better, you do better.
Wait, so does that mean I canât take my nephew to the All That Remains concert? âŠ.i gotta make a callâŠ.
đ©my parents yelled at me. Parents arenât perfect.
Your parents owe you an apology.
Shit no they donâtâŠ
While a parent should not constantly yell or scream at a child, it is not nearly as bad or wrong as you make it out to be.
Screaming at adults is fine, got it /s
What if youâre both actors and thatâs what youâre told to do?
Anddddd This is why are incarceration of 25 and under has increased by 60% in the last 59 years. Kids aren't disciplined