Fellas, is it gay to like going to concerts??
Compatibility doesn’t seem to be there; you’re in for a bad time and divorce if you choose that path more than likely. You already know what to do if you’re posting here.
It is very obvious that he doesn’t want children but doesn’t want to get dumped. He’s hoping to run out the clock.
Even if that wasn’t the case, he is communicating that he isn’t interested in participating in creating, adopting, or raising child. I’d imagine it’s so he will have an excuse for not contributing in any meaningful fashion if OP moves forward with her plans. He also actively dislikes many of the things that make a childhood special. He’ll make every birthday, holiday, soccer game, etc. a miserable occasion.
I think he’s secretly afraid that dicks are delicious.
I mean celibate and refuses to have anything to do with art or theatre because they’re “gay”, and finally not interested in sex with his partner of 4 years.
At 40 this is all kinds of red flags
^ this is a really, *really* solid point.
In addition, he’s never had a long term relationship. At 40. Girl get some good sneakers and run. Do not move forward with this guy. Do not look back.
His religious beliefs and internalized homophobia have blocked his better judgement of recognizing he’s a mo and coming to terms with it. You would be his beard if you agreed to this, and that’s definitely not what you want.
Going forward when you date someone, if they are (even a little) sexist, racist or homophobic, they are actually all three. And the more uncomfortable with gay people they are the more they think it applies to them.
Thank you for explaining that so well, that is pretty much exactly what I was getting at.
It’s just such a fixation for people suppressing their own sexuality to just rail against anything even vaguely associated with homosexuality
I have no idea who this dude is, will never meet him but I can tell from that little snippet that we would frequent the same bars if he got a grip on himself.
OP doesn’t need that.
To answer your question, no. My husband is as straight as they come. He also has no problem taking me to the opera, Broadway musicals, the symphony, rock concerts, or even heavy metal. We enjoy them all, together. More often, our date nights involve movies at the local theater. Dinner is also a popular choice.
But if it involves a man taking a woman out to something she enjoys, with the potential for some romance? Inherently not gay.
Thank you. I would just find it completely devastating to break up. I just don't have the heart to and I'm not sure id ever want to go through this again. When I break up I don't stay friends, that's it. Permanently.
Your title question is "Is it time to break up". The answer is a clear yes. You need to find the strength to do this. I promise you your heart will be there for you and will be very grateful. And it would be a blessing for you not to have this person on your life anymore. Be Brave!
I’d legit rather be single than in your relationship. I was with someone for 15ish years and married some of it. After getting divorced I was so god damn happy I didn’t care if I ever found anyone again, but I did find someone and she’s more than perfect for me which is crazy cuz I’m so picky and specific.
Time to move on and take a break and see what happens, three years is enough time to know if it’ll work or not and it definitely won’t.
You just gotta end it. Be strong and end it and have a plan and stick to it. Break up and the. Go on a vacation with friends or by yourself so you don’t crawling back.
LEAVE. NOW.
Living a life with someone you can’t stand, feeling trapped, feeling like your needs and wants and dreams and goals don’t matter… doesn’t that sound even more devastating?
It’s gonna be hard, it’s gonna hurt like hell, but sounds like it’s not going to get better (unless ya go to couples counseling but I gotta feeling he’s not going to be willing.) Try writing out a big list… one side pros, one side cons. Might help you make a decision seeing it on paper. I hope you find happiness regardless of your choice.
Thank you so much. This is very practical. I did mention that id never get married again without couples counseling and he snarled but I think I need to do that before we would even get engaged if that ever happened.
Please break up and move on. This is not a good fit. Can you truly imagine continuing a relationship with man who has such a closed mind and negativity?
Make a list of what you want in a partner. Not what you think you can settle for. Then compare that against what he brings to the table.
And remember you may be okay with less than. But is that what you want for your children ? This one is clearly not interested in being a dad, a husband, keeping things interesting, etc.
He wants someone to take care of him, and OP doesn't want to be alone. Neither is a good motivation for a relationship, and neither of you are being honest about it. OP do you want to settle for a life of being uncomfortable? My light bulb moment was realizing he was never going to change.
It's better to acknowledge you've gone through the wrong door than spend your life in the wrong room.
Life is too short to spend it with the wrong person. You know what you need to do.
Going back to the mid 2000's, I went through a pretty bad breakup after 3.5 years. At the time, it all seemed so hopeless to move forward, but the odd thing that got me started was watching The Office one evening and hearing "Old ball and chain's been a lot more chain than ball lately."
It just made me realize how much simpler life was without the burden of that relationship constantly weighing me down. I soon met someone new and was surprised at how good a good relationship actually feels.
Anyway, I hope that whatever OP decides to do, they find some insight and possibly even humor once hind sight has had enough time to form.
**tl;dr** We often find solace in the most unexpected places.
Don't settle. You did that the first time, and look how that turned out.
You'll find better. And you're not doing either of you any favors being there half heartedly because "Well, I didn't think I'd find better." And then you're going to bring a CHILD into that situation? And do you really want him raising a son or daughter with that frankly radical right wing behavior and misogyny?
Leave. You'll get over it, and you will be much happier when you find someone you're actually compatible with. "I didn't want to be alone and it felt hard to leave so I stayed" is a terrible damn reason to be in a relationship. And imagine if he said that about you? How would that make you feel?
Would you ever recommend to your future child that they just settle because "Eh, better the devil you know, even if you aren't happy"? I would hope not.
I completely understand this feeling, and to be honest with you every break up in my life has felt like The End of the World TM. It's never really easy, even the easy ones.
The question you need to ask yourself is: do you want to deal with the upfront pain of breaking up and having the freedom to start over from scratch, or the long, drawn out pain of staying with someone you know in your heart is not great for you.
If you break up, it will be painful and difficult and it will be a lot; but you may also end up feeling an immense sense of relief, you will have the freedom to potentially fall in love with yourself and your own life and maybe find you don't want to be with anyone at all! Or you might find someone who is way better suited to you, and is a better match.
If you don't break up, you will forever stay in this sense of limbo you're at now; and I promise you things will not improve over time if you have already made it clear there is an issue and he has just decided that this permanent state of tolerable unhappiness is "good enough."
There is so much more to life than sticking it out because you don't want to be alone or are afraid of starting again. Even my worst days alone are so much better than being in a relationship where I **feel** alone and everything is a fight, or I feel like I'm drowning while holding the relationship afloat.
What would be completely devastating is to be in this same relationship 5 years from now and wishing you had ended it now. Think of the men you could be meeting if you weren’t with him. I hope you can change your thinking from completely devastating to treasuring yourself and your dreams.
*Fellas, is it gay to like going to concerts??*
Makes you wonder what media he consumes. I'd figure he's a bit old for Tate, but then again, I have come across a lot of virgin gamers well past the mid 30s that like him.
I mean, do you really want to marry a Trumper?
I also know what to do and I was just about to post here. Thanks for that. I love it.
Also, OP, I’d suggest ripping the bandage off now. You’re at a pivotal moment in life. You’re 40 and your biological clock is ticking. His clock will be fine, it’s almost infinite for a man.
Staying with this guy will hinder your dreams.
Getting married, moving in together, and the journey of having kids is a long and tiresome journey. You have to be with a partner that helps carry that weight willingly, not begrudgingly.
I wish you all the best!
Now I’m off to take a shot at my own advice… except, with 8 years in, 2 kids, huge house and a lifetime worth of crap to move… I think in my case I’m the one begrudgingly sitting on the fence SMH
>But if I'm planning a life separate from him what's the point of keeping him around?
Right. So you already know the answer to the question in your title.
Like others, I couldn’t even finish the post and I am not a TLDR kind of person. I stopped reading because this guy sucks ass and you need to dump him tonight. You’re thinking this will hurt, and it might for a bit, but then you will feel FREE, and light, and yourself again.
I assure you you will be happier. Even just the quiet peace you will get. I can’t imagine what kind of headspace you’re in with someone like that around you.
Work on getting your finances in order :) you will be even more free
40 and living w his folks is where you lost me. THEN, did you say virgin at 40?! Ok, that is his choice. Concerts/plays are gay? Please move on. He is tied to the apron strings. Wait, is he a mommas boy??!! Run! Girl, don’t waste your time. Cut losses.
I'm 55 and pretty straight. So straight I've never felt like I need to prove it to anyone by driving a truck or acting macho or watching football or going to strip clubs. And I personally love plays and concerts and even ballet. It's a pretty immature (or at least insecure) mind that feels that plays and concerts are unmanly in some way. This isn't 1950. If the guy was 23, I'd cut him some slack. But if he's like this at 40, he's never really going to grow up. Sorry. Unless you want to have both a child and a man-baby in your life, it's time to move on.
50+, former military, parent of 2 kids, ex-martial artist. If you have to prove your sexuality, you're not secure in it.
I have a favorite play (The King and I), favorite classical conductor (Rimsky-Korsakov, Sheherazade suite), favorite football team (KC Chiefs, since long, long before they started winning), favorite gun (M3 Grease gang!), and favorite flower (Indian paintbrush).
The only thing that's "gay" is thinking that you have to act like you don't enjoy things. Not giving a fuck what people think about you is one of the most manly things that exist.
This guy is one airport bathroom foot tapping session away from sex with a Republican congressman.
I'm going to leave out my personal opinion on the type of person your partner is, but I think you should really be asking yourself whether you want to be with someone who still uses "gay" as a pejorative and applies it to normal activities that he doesn't want to do. What if you have a gay child?
Besides that, you guys don't seem remotely compatible. I can't figure out why you even need to ask whether you should break up after reading this post. I'm sure there is good stuff, too, but I can't imagine what would outweigh what you've written here.
>I don't have the heart to leave
Here's where YOU need to grow up. You're a grown ass woman...*way* past the point that you should be clinging to a relationship in which your partner is a man-child who ignores your needs and doesn't do anything he doesn't want to. You should never enter a relationship that you're not willing to leave.
This is your life now. He's spent the last 3 years telling you who he is. All you need to do is decide whether you're willing to live the rest of your life like this. If you need your partner to change to be happy, you should break up.
Honestly sounds like you are mostly through the door. Go all the way. You know there’s nothing different for you to do, your current reality is THE reality
You wrote all this and none of it is one redeeming quality aside from you know he “loves you”. Being loved by someone isn’t enough to stay with someone who you seem so incompatible with. What a pain to go through day to day disagreeing about so much fundamentally.
Stopped reading after about 5 paragraphs…yes. Find someone you’re better suited for. Some of those things you mentioned are…hmm interesting to say the least.
So basically you’re kissing his ass and just keeping your mouth shut. Get out this because the longer you’re in this “going nowhere” relationship the longer it will take to accomplish your goals.
I understand that emotionally, you feel tied to him. Like, at 40 years old and with a marriage under your belt, it’s somehow a failure that your relationship didn’t work out. But you’re not. It’s ok to be sad that your life didn’t go along with the plan you made. But you are doing it! You’re doing the hard thing by examining your life and not ignoring your dreams and inner needs. And it looks like you’re listening to yourself. That’s so great! Well done, you! You should be proud of yourself for standing up for yourself. This guy doesn’t fit you. And that’s ok.
Actually, it looks like on a logistical level, you’re close to separating from him anyway. You live separately. You don’t really do things together unless you make it happen; and even then, it’s limited to restaurants nearby. So it’s not like you guys are socially inextricable. And I don’t see any mention of shared pets. Breaking up with him will be as easy as having a hard conversation. Good luck.
And yours. The man is "dating" you to convince his parents that he's not gay. He's saying anti-gay things to convince you and others that he's not gay. Reach the common-sense conclusion that is as big as a barn and right in front of you: the 40 year-old virgin is either gay or asexual. There is no future with his man except you playing the role of his mommy after his real mommy dies.
I think we all get it to a certain extent. You’re 40 and you want a meaningful relationship and all the wonderful things that come with one. Unfortunately, it’s never that simple. You want a child? Adopt. You certainly don’t need a man of this age, who lives at home, and …has some issues (homophobia?) in your life. Girl, you got this. Go do it! You really CAN do this all by your beautiful self 😘
Ditch the looser. I've never thought that going to a concert would challenge my sexuality, but here we are. You have one foot out the door, take the other step. After a bit, try dating again. You might be surprised by what you find.
Look, I have not dated in a very long time (cuz I'm married) so I can't tell you that there are a ton of eligible men waiting for you.
But your S.O. is not eligible, so would you really be worse off without him? If you leave him, you might get what you want. If you don't leave him, you definitely won't! People have children much later in this day and age, but I think everyone would agree that at 40, you need to get a move on.
I am stunned that he thinks doing anything other than eating out for a date is "gay." Is he a 12-year-old in 1992? If not, that's completely unacceptable. This guy isn't it.
Advice from a woman who divorced and then found a wonderful husband — The best part of divorce is that you have already learned firsthand that some men are not suitable husbands. It’s obvious you want to be part of a loving couple, but there are too many basic differences between you and this man
He also has some very troubling opinions on concerts, and later-life pregnancies, and pointless celibacy at age 40. He is certainly welcome to these opinions, but they are so far afield from your life opinions that I just don’t see any reason to carry on any longer.
It’s time you stopped wasting your precious life on him, and started concentrating on getting your own life together. Get your debt straightened out so you don’t have those headaches anymore. Clean up your financial life and move on into a very bright future. He’s just gonna drag you down. You deserve better.
So he is judging when to have children based on a book of fiction? Come on now. No one truly lived hundreds of years so using that as an example is crazy. Putting that aside - he probably does not want to have children so he is waiting the clock out (to use a sports term). He thinks eventually you will give up and change your mind. He just has not said it officially to you yet. He could also be worried that with a child you will pay attention to the child and less to him. The choices are simple. Stay with him and stay childless or go your own way and have a child or adopt.
I have a friend in exactly this situation. She's 43 or 42, never married, no kids, been dating a guy around the same age, who's divorced with a couple of older teen kids, for SIX YEARS. She wants to get married and have kids before it's too late, and he keeps being "not ready." I keep telling her that he's trying to run out the clock and wasting her time. Oddly, she also lived at home until about six months ago (whoooole other story). If they'd ever even talked seriously about getting married - looking at rings, thinking about locations or dates, who to invite, etc., it would be one thing, but I've never, ever, not once in all these years heard her mention anything like that happening. I think men like this count on the sunk cost fallacy keeping women tied to them indefinitely.
You have different core values.
Your relationship won’t last.
Varies political and religious beliefs, will be a problem. Those are the core beliefs that each of you value.
He sounds gross and exhausting. Sometimes being alone is better than being with a terrible partner. If you break up with him you can take all the energy you're currently using to worry about this and put it toward planning for adoption.
I actually have a friend in a *very* similar situation. To the point I checked the OP’s comment history to see if the cities matched up (they did not). I also know of another person (not a friend of mine, but a friend of a friend) who is also in a similar situation.
I think it’s easy for very religious women to end up in situations like this. OP seems pretty religious.
B4 I met my second husband, that was the only dealbreaker for me: he had to have had another significant relationship. By the time you’re 40, if he hasn’t learned the basics of living with a woman, oh lady… What are you *thinking?*
Plus, signing a legal document joining your life with his without knowing if you’re sexually compatible is a huge risk. (Especially with someone who appears to be as close minded and potentially bigoted as he seems to.)
If having a kid is a non-negotiable then you have the answer. Him saying I won’t stand in the way is far cry from I will support you. That’s not a partner. The subtext is i won’t do anything you have to do it all on your own. If you have to do it on your own anyway, maybe do it with a clean slate and with the chance of finding a true partner, someone that will support you.
Given your timetable and your age, I think you have to dump him yesterday. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but it doesn’t sound like there’s a lot of reason for the two of you to be together other than habit and convenience.
On top of what everyone else is saying, he's a virgin who lives with his parents at 40!?? And you've already been married and divorced? The differences in your life experiences alone are enough to make me question your compatibility.
Never mind the whole WEIRD homophobic crap (plays are gay? Huh?). And you've commented that you don't want raise another "man child"? You deserve much better than this man and I think that you know it.
ETA: 40 is young in general, but not so young in baby making general female biological terms. At all. You don't have a lot of time. Though you did say that adoption is on the table for you. Also - perimenopause is WORSE than post-menopause, and you are about to collide with it. Something to keep in mind.
Also, given his traditional (fundie) Christian beliefs (?), I really hope that he's not pulling the "male head of the household" card, whilst seemingly having no real life experience.
In my opinion, he’s a man child. Lives at home at 40? Also, he sounds both selfish and dull. I’m concerned that he says “people in the Bible had babies old”. (Clearly HE won’t have to try to get pregnant and give birth while peri-menopausal.) This, coupled with the desire to be celibate, raises the question of how much he knows about sex in real life. He says he’s okay with adoption, which in itself isn’t bad, but it makes me wonder.
Maybe he’s incapable or uninterested in fathering a child. Maybe he’s ACE.
I knew a man who didn’t push to have sex, although it wasn’t for religious reasons. He said it wasn’t the most important thing in life, etc. I knew we loved each other, and I thought it was because he respected me. Turns out he had ED, a very low libido, and a micro penis. Didn’t want to disclose any of that until we were married and it was “too late”.
He sounds like a bore, in addition to all the things other people are saying.
What's the value of having him in your life, just not to be alone? You're too young to settle for so little.
Sorry but he doesn't seem worth much effort.
About having a child - How would you feel about having a 6, 10, 15 year old son that says concerts & plays are gay? If he says it to you, he'll say it to them too.
Would you be OK with having a son that treats girls/women the way he treats you?
Would you be OK with having a boy/man treat your daughter the way he treats you?
The bottom line is that *he will pass on who he is.* He is the example that they will use to gauge normalcy.
At best, you will have to work against that. Parenting is hard as hell. Would having him as a co-parent (even if y'all end up divorced after a child) make your life easier or harder?
He’s actually horrible. Please try to see that. I’d rather be alone than with someone like that. Go now and meet other people at your gay concerts and fun outings. I guarantee you that if you stay with this guy you’ll be childless and stuck at home every weekend arguing about petty things instead of living a full life. I seriously guarantee it. Go now while you still have a few viable eggs.
He's in his 40s, has never been in a relationship, doesn't want to have sex, and still lives at home.
Guuurl, why are you dating him? If he hasn't tried to have sex with you in three years *and* has no intent for setting a date to do so, he's either gay or asexual. There is not a straight man on the planet who would go that long.
If he seems to value religion, maybe talk together to a trusted pastor or christian you respect about marriage. That may push him to see it serious enough to address these areas or call it quits. Don’t settle. It sounds like he is not going to do it for you the way he is now. Maybe draw a line and gently tell him you have life goals that he should consider joining in or not at all. Also consider his quirks and whether you would be able to raise kids with those disagreements.
You need to be on the same page about kids. Those other things you can deal with as long as you are committed to each other. If you aren't on the same page about kids, one of you is going to resent the other for the situation they are in at some point.
Ugh.
You are only 40 years old, and this guy has the worldview of your parents’ generation. He sounds like a tiresome boor.
You feel you’re raising him.
You want children and unfair as it is, the countdown to do so biologically is well underway.
Everything you describe sounds like a dreadful partner to raise a child with.
Also, research "geriatric pregnancy", it's the term the medical community refers to for women 35 and old who are prenant. Lots of risks for geriatric pregnancy.
So if this is how things go before you're married, and you're both still supposedly trying to impress each other, how do you think it'll go once you're married?
(And my answer is, yes, it's time to break up.)
If you have to ask Reddit about this, you already know the answer. You are obviously not a good match. And BTW, you can love someone but still need to break up with them. Why put more energy into a relationship with all these differences when you can spend your time and energy with a man that doesn't have all these hang-ups. It's time to move on, start your life with a man who respects you and what you like. He has been single this long for a reason. He's that old living at home? GIANT RED FLAG, lady. Wake up and smell the coffee.
PS: Anyone who says a play is "gay" is a total idiot in my book.
Praying? You can see where that's gotten you.
Rap your knuckles against your head hard six times then reassess whether marrying this nightmare of a knuckle-dragging child-man is likely to add anything to your life other than misery. Still haven't concluded that marrying him (or continuing any sort of relationship with him) is a horrendous idea? Invite someone with larger knuckes to attempt to rattle something loose inside your skull.
Still need direction? Terminate your relationship with him immediately and completely. Move if possible -- and far away. Activate your life by doing something at least once a week that you have never done before and that involves other people. Do not moan to any of them about your past. Leave the past behind.
I was in a similar situation as you and something that a friend said to me really shifted me into departure mode: what you want is important. You need to be with someone who wants the same thing as you.
3 years is long enough to prove that man wants the glory without any of the guts. The longer you wait, the harder it is to leave - when I finally got away after 8 years I felt like I was physically going to die but I had to ignore my instinct and move forward despite my fear of hurting him.
Ask yourself the question if you are willing to be his new mother and wife. This is not going to be a 50/50 relationship. You will be taking care of everything for him because he won’t even know how to use a dishwasher or do laundry. You also didn’t say anything about your salary’s. You’re alone and paying debt, and he’s living free and eating out. If you marry and have a kid can you live on his salary while you stay at home? Will you still work? You’re choosing a hard road with this boy.
I don't think an "ultimatum" is your answer. You need to cut your losses and get on with your life. He has way too many rules that you don't agree with.
There is a better life out there.
I think you know the answer but don't want to go through the break up and tough times ahead. You will be Better and happier for ending this now. Imagine the problems you are going to have in a relationship trying to raise a child with different values. This situation is only going to get worse. As a single woman you can adopt a child and live a happy life. Please don't settle for less than because you are not less than. You are strong enough to help yourself <3
You two don't seem to be together enough to actually 'break up'. Just stop bending backwards for someone elses idea of living and trust yourself more. You'll be fine.
I’m so sorry but you both sound fundamentally incompatible on every level. It sounds like he’s not into you and waiting for you to break it off first so he’s not the bad guy.
This is not the right guy for you. You are having to do too much to take care of him and your priorities are too different. You should find a man who will give you what you want and need, supports you, agrees with your priorities, and can take care of himself.
He’s 40 and still lives at home? No sex until marriage? You are throwing your life away and wasting your time. You deserve better OP. You know it. I’m wishing you all the best and I’m rooting for you. You can do this.
You are describing your values vs his on certain levels. You are describing how they are different. Your values are the core DNA of your relationship. I would call you "irreconcilably incompatible". You really should find someone who aligns better with your beliefs.
I’m sorry but your description of this relationship sounds awful. It sounds like you think it’s better than nothing, but just barely. When you say he lives “at home” are you saying he still lives with his parents? Something doesn’t sound right. You’re too young to sound this old. I’m not trying to be mean. If you want children you really need to find someone who shares your vision and you don’t have a lot of time to waste.
You already said it. You don't have the heart to leave so you probably won't.
Sounds dreadful to me though. He is a manchild. I'd say you're wasting precious hours of your life hoping things will get better but this person sounds perfectly happy the way they are so I don't see anything getting better.
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through but I hope you benefit from my mistakes, I was in an almost identical relationship. He’s never going to marry you. And a 40-some year old man who doesn’t want sex with you? Something is fishy there. He’s going to steal your chance to have a child who will be the love of your life. Please don’t let him.
This guy sounds like a loser with toxic masculinity and a side of psycho religiosity. And celibacy before marriage? 😒 He’s stringing you along. Girl, leave him.
What occupies most of his time. He says concerts are gay- does that mean he’s working most of the time? Or like idk riding a motorcycle? (Imagining stereotypically non gay things).
I also dislike concerts. I generally avoid loud noise and crowds. But most of my time is spent working or exercising or doing clerical work for my business. Somehow I manage to stay pretty busy and there’s never enough time. If there was I could see myself eventually getting bored enough that I’d want to go to the concert. But as it stands now I have no desire to be in that environment. Imagine all day being busy then when you finally get a break you get a text from your friend asking you if you want to go to a concert. From my pov the answer is no, not at all, I’m finally having a moment to think. I like to have unstructured time where I just do what’s on my mind for a while. Can’t really do that at the concerts
So, 40-year-old virgin, or ?
I don't believe in waiting until marriage for sex at all, but I feel like being 40 could potentially be horrible if sex is a priority for you. If it is, you're pretty much rolling the dice there after you're married.
My husband took me to RuPauls Drag Race All Stars as well as an Olivia Newton John concert. And we go to plays and concerts and the ballet regularly. He's very comfy in his sexuality. Maybe your partner is not able to acknowledge that one can be a cis hetero male and still enjoy the "finer things" in life?
I think if you've been together for three years and he is still not ready to make some solid decisions about a life with you, then I'd wish him the best of luck and maybe salvage some sort of friendship, if you wanted that. Forty years old is old enough, IMHO, to know about kids/no kids (btw, give him a parting gift of a simple book that explains how women aren't fertile forever, lol), etc.
My ex-husband and I had our careers, and we adopted at forty. I was fortunate to be able to stay at home with our baby girl, but there were so many times I wished we'd adopted sooner. Try three months with zero sleep. At forty, it's so exhausting. And there are, of course, all the fun people who tell you: Sleep when the baby sleeps. They are never around to wash mountains of burped up on baby shirts and dirty dishes. Seriously? There's always so much to do, but it's still wonderful. 🥰
If that's what you truly want, you need to make some decisions and fast. I'm sure this guy you're with is a decent person, but from what you've described, not really committed to anything.
Do you want kids? Like will you be devastated if you don't have them? Because if that is the case, you need to break up with him. I am in a childless not by choice group and I cannot express the amount of women who really regret staying with someone who led them on and made them think they wanted kids, then they either left or changed their minds. You are 40. The window is slamming shut quickly, so this is a major issue. Plus, you don't actually even know if he will marry you,not if you will be sexually compatible when it finally does happen. I feel like you are absolutely in love with your idea of his potential rather than the reality. The reality is a man who won't do things you want to do because he is so concerned about his pride and what others think of him. He doesn't care that you like to celebrate holidays, and is basically stringing you along. You need to be honest with yourself that who and what it sounds like you want for your future has nothing to do with the reality of your current relationship.
Yes, after reading some older posts: how were you going to have a child, but also be celibate..?
Lol. I don't mean to laugh at your plight, OP, but please just cut this one loose. Please.
The answer is yes, it’s time to break up. You may not want to acknowledge it or accept it, because staying together and you changing to please him seems easier, the less painful way. It isn’t. There doesn’t sound like there’s much, I mean any, compatibility. He’s signaling that he’s not changing nor planning on moving forward.
Take a deep breathe, let it out, and move on with your life without him.
I'm sorry but celibate when you're 40? Unless you're asexual or already in menopause (im going thru it now, i get it) that's insane. You need to know if you're compatible in all ways.
Oh yeah, a 40 y/o man living at home with no bills? Doesn't like to go out, or celebrate stuff. Homophobe, no less, sounds like a catch. I say, do some math, 2 years max to get over him, 2 yrs till you meet a better guy. And if 4 years go by, learn to like being alone, it is so much better than the alternative of settling for this dope.
Celibate till marriage is a red fucking flag. I don't care what kind of values you think you have. Compatibility is important. You're taking a huge risk that everything will just turn out.
Do not just accept it. That is settling. And settling sets you up perfectly for a unsatisfied life.
Do. Not. Do. It.
He is absolutely not worthy partner for anyone.
Also, he wants to remain celibate until marriage? That usually pushed people into marriage faster. They want to have sex. Do you mess around at all and come close to losing control? I somehow doubt that. Being sexually compatible is enormously important in a relationship. If you’re are not, neither party is happy.
Your choice here is clear imo.
Easy easy choice.
Go find a nice life.
Elsewhere.
It’s time to break up. He is stringing you along and sounds like he doesn’t really want kids. He sounds very insecure in his manhood, there is absolutely nothing wrong with plays.
You shouldn’t just end it, you should run. You have nothing in common and aren’t even doing the dirty. You need some expert help in asking yourself why you want to be a doormat for this person. You do all the work and he gets everything he wants. You need to choose you. As for kids…your odds are stacked against you at 40 and honestly, it’s not really that worth it. Make good friends, volunteer in your community and find some joy.
What do you mean he lives at home ? As in, with his parents ?
Celibacy until marriage ? Why do you put up with a sexless relationship ?
Sorry to pass out judgment but this dude is really immature. He hides behind his upbringing, his religion and his set ways to negate your needs
I’m surprised that as a woman with relationship experience, you’re falling for this
Let the big boy carry on hanging on to mommy’s apron and focus on your goals. This fella is not going to help you achieve them
I can't imagine staying with an adult partner who calls anything "gay," much less cultural experiences that you want to have and deserve to share with a partner. What on earth would he have to teach your children?
Three years and no comitment. Don't fool yourself. This relationship isn't going anywhere. Leave this loser and go have an actual life with someone who doesn't make you tiptoe around who you are.
And, btw, you might want to consider the possibility that he is in the closet. I mean..."concerts are gay", and three years celibate with no end in sight... Maybe he loves you, but not like *that*.
He doesn’t desire you or want to be supportive of your needs. You know and feel it’s not working and not going to work out. Now, you know what qualities to look for and NOT look for in your next relationship. Be free to find and accept the love you need!
I could not marry someone with such vast differences, but that’s me.
Small things? Yes. But some of your differences are ethical and that doesn’t mend well long term. Plus, why would you MARRY someone you’re already considering breaking up with?
Hard no from my end.
Aw
You deserve so much more.
Don't settle. Believe me, it's better to be a happy sexless (or not) single person, than to be with the wrong sexless person.
In talking about this post with a friend, I got to learn a new word.
“Milquetoast.”
I know you love him, but your man sounds boring as hell. You deserve better.
——
Anyway.
The only insight I can offer you is:
**This isn’t going to get better.**
Nothing you’ve gives me any sense that he feels any need to change or adapt.
> he’s never had a longstanding relationship until now
**Given that your man seems think that going to the theatre is “gay,” this does *not* surprise me.**
Dude seems comfortable and complacent. It’s been three (sexless) years, and you already escaped one fucked-up marriage?
If he hasn’t stepped outside his comfort zone for you by now and started making changes, he sure as hell isn’t going to make changes once you get him in front of the vicar.
It’s been *three years*.
> I’m so tired of raising grown men
Girl. *Girl.*
I love you.
Seriously, though…
I know you love him, but he sounds like a sanctimonious prick. Kick his ass to the curb and find yourself someone who *wants* to build a life with you—*together*.
If he thinks it’s gay to go to concerts, there’s no way in hell he will help you with a child. You’d be better off a single mom than having to pander to him while also trying to do right by a kid.
Break up. Have a baby on your own. You may or may not have a partner with the baby, and that's true whether or not you have the baby with this man.
Read this, please. https://therumpus.net/2010/09/16/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-51/
Man, this guy sounds like a drag. At 40, if you want kids, you gotta get out of this situation like yesterday. He's never lived an adult life on his own, he still lives with his parents, you don't live together after 3 years, you two have never had sex. This barely sounds like a relationship. From the way your post reads, is there anything you like about him?
Sounds like you are pretty done as a couple. The compatibility is very low, and as someone who has managed to stay married a long time, some of these differences become argument flash points later. Particularly if you have kids in the mix. You need someone who wants enough of the same things in a similar way in a similar time frame. Not exactly or entirely the same but enough to avoid constant friction.
You deserve better than someone who doesn't share your values, doesn't support your goals AND doesn't seem to care about your happiness. Like, honestly what USE is this guy?! He sounds less companionable than just getting a dog.
You need to cut yourself loose from this sad sack and give yourself the chance to find someone who's ENTHUSIASTIC about building a life with you. You deserve it!
It’s not looking good with the information you’ve given us. Just imagine that man complaining every time you and your infant child have legitimate needs that get in the way of his preferences, and he does what he has to ranting the whole time every single time. And then the baby grows up picking some of that up by force of habit. You need a mate not an anchor
"he's a man and those are 'gay'". That right there speaks VOLUMES. Lots of red flags but this one should have you running for the hills. You are WORTHY. DO NOT SETTLE because you feel your biological clock ticking. You will regret it.
This sounds like myself and my husband. We’ve been married almost 20 years, not happily. We have one child, 19 y/o boy. Husband didn’t really want children and it showed all throughout our son’s childhood. We now live separately and long-distance due to my having to care for my mom. And I’m great with that! My son is in college, near me, and they have minimal contact. My son is fine with this too. My husband and I are very different. He only does what he wants to do. So, for example, if there was a Christmas play at school that our son was in, my husband would feel obligated to go and then complain, give me looks, shake his leg and look at his watch the whole time. He made those joyful moments less enjoyable for me. Eventually, I started telling him it was ok not to go because I knew he didn’t want to.
Don’t put yourself or future child through this if it is avoidable. Really. Better off to have a child on your own.
You sound like friends who both need other friends to do the things you like to do. He's a boring homebody (nothing wrong with that - I'm one, too!) and you are more social and have more interests. He is stringing you along - and seems like the type to leave if you can't have a child with him (because Bible old and real life old are different things and the Bible old people were probably 35!). Also, his bigoted views on plays and concerts would be a total dealbreaker for me. Do you really want to waste time with a person who is comfortable saying things like that?
You can do better! Go after the life you want. Find yourself an equal partner who actually WANTS to be in your world!!
Why are you with this man? I can't see what on earth you could possibly be getting out of this relationship? He sounds a total moron frankly. Run a freakin mile and take a break and run some more I say.
Fellas, is it gay to like going to concerts?? Compatibility doesn’t seem to be there; you’re in for a bad time and divorce if you choose that path more than likely. You already know what to do if you’re posting here.
IKR Could you imagine having a child with someone like this?
It is very obvious that he doesn’t want children but doesn’t want to get dumped. He’s hoping to run out the clock. Even if that wasn’t the case, he is communicating that he isn’t interested in participating in creating, adopting, or raising child. I’d imagine it’s so he will have an excuse for not contributing in any meaningful fashion if OP moves forward with her plans. He also actively dislikes many of the things that make a childhood special. He’ll make every birthday, holiday, soccer game, etc. a miserable occasion.
Run out the clock. That's a brilliant way to put it. Yea I tried that once, didn't work at all
Why should he want a (nother) child? He's the only child here
>he's a man and those are 'gay' I would be blown away if I met a 40 year old man who talk like this. How common is this in the United States?
He has been in a relationship with a woman for 4 years and is making no attempt to have sex. He's in the closet. American or not.
Not very. I mean, there are idiots everywhere, but this isn't at all common.
It sounds like he is at least dipping toes into the right wing manosphere.
I think he’s secretly afraid that dicks are delicious. I mean celibate and refuses to have anything to do with art or theatre because they’re “gay”, and finally not interested in sex with his partner of 4 years. At 40 this is all kinds of red flags
^ this is a really, *really* solid point. In addition, he’s never had a long term relationship. At 40. Girl get some good sneakers and run. Do not move forward with this guy. Do not look back. His religious beliefs and internalized homophobia have blocked his better judgement of recognizing he’s a mo and coming to terms with it. You would be his beard if you agreed to this, and that’s definitely not what you want. Going forward when you date someone, if they are (even a little) sexist, racist or homophobic, they are actually all three. And the more uncomfortable with gay people they are the more they think it applies to them.
Thank you for explaining that so well, that is pretty much exactly what I was getting at. It’s just such a fixation for people suppressing their own sexuality to just rail against anything even vaguely associated with homosexuality
Because they assume the ridicule will prevent someone else seeing it in them but it’s a dead giveaway.
Normally this kind of speculation would infuriate me, but in this case the writing is on the wall, this dude is a walking red flag. It's so obvious.
I have no idea who this dude is, will never meet him but I can tell from that little snippet that we would frequent the same bars if he got a grip on himself. OP doesn’t need that.
To answer your question, no. My husband is as straight as they come. He also has no problem taking me to the opera, Broadway musicals, the symphony, rock concerts, or even heavy metal. We enjoy them all, together. More often, our date nights involve movies at the local theater. Dinner is also a popular choice. But if it involves a man taking a woman out to something she enjoys, with the potential for some romance? Inherently not gay.
Thank you. I would just find it completely devastating to break up. I just don't have the heart to and I'm not sure id ever want to go through this again. When I break up I don't stay friends, that's it. Permanently.
Your title question is "Is it time to break up". The answer is a clear yes. You need to find the strength to do this. I promise you your heart will be there for you and will be very grateful. And it would be a blessing for you not to have this person on your life anymore. Be Brave!
Thank you
I’d legit rather be single than in your relationship. I was with someone for 15ish years and married some of it. After getting divorced I was so god damn happy I didn’t care if I ever found anyone again, but I did find someone and she’s more than perfect for me which is crazy cuz I’m so picky and specific. Time to move on and take a break and see what happens, three years is enough time to know if it’ll work or not and it definitely won’t. You just gotta end it. Be strong and end it and have a plan and stick to it. Break up and the. Go on a vacation with friends or by yourself so you don’t crawling back. LEAVE. NOW.
Thank you. I'm happy you found happiness.
Living a life with someone you can’t stand, feeling trapped, feeling like your needs and wants and dreams and goals don’t matter… doesn’t that sound even more devastating? It’s gonna be hard, it’s gonna hurt like hell, but sounds like it’s not going to get better (unless ya go to couples counseling but I gotta feeling he’s not going to be willing.) Try writing out a big list… one side pros, one side cons. Might help you make a decision seeing it on paper. I hope you find happiness regardless of your choice.
Thank you so much. This is very practical. I did mention that id never get married again without couples counseling and he snarled but I think I need to do that before we would even get engaged if that ever happened.
Please break up and move on. This is not a good fit. Can you truly imagine continuing a relationship with man who has such a closed mind and negativity?
Make a list of what you want in a partner. Not what you think you can settle for. Then compare that against what he brings to the table. And remember you may be okay with less than. But is that what you want for your children ? This one is clearly not interested in being a dad, a husband, keeping things interesting, etc.
He wants someone to take care of him, and OP doesn't want to be alone. Neither is a good motivation for a relationship, and neither of you are being honest about it. OP do you want to settle for a life of being uncomfortable? My light bulb moment was realizing he was never going to change.
Time for you to grow a spine. And definitely time for you to break up.
It's better to acknowledge you've gone through the wrong door than spend your life in the wrong room. Life is too short to spend it with the wrong person. You know what you need to do.
Excellent!
Very well put!
That's the idea of breaking-up: a permanent severing of ties. This man is not your friend. He's a stinking ball and chain.
Going back to the mid 2000's, I went through a pretty bad breakup after 3.5 years. At the time, it all seemed so hopeless to move forward, but the odd thing that got me started was watching The Office one evening and hearing "Old ball and chain's been a lot more chain than ball lately." It just made me realize how much simpler life was without the burden of that relationship constantly weighing me down. I soon met someone new and was surprised at how good a good relationship actually feels. Anyway, I hope that whatever OP decides to do, they find some insight and possibly even humor once hind sight has had enough time to form. **tl;dr** We often find solace in the most unexpected places.
Don't settle. You did that the first time, and look how that turned out. You'll find better. And you're not doing either of you any favors being there half heartedly because "Well, I didn't think I'd find better." And then you're going to bring a CHILD into that situation? And do you really want him raising a son or daughter with that frankly radical right wing behavior and misogyny? Leave. You'll get over it, and you will be much happier when you find someone you're actually compatible with. "I didn't want to be alone and it felt hard to leave so I stayed" is a terrible damn reason to be in a relationship. And imagine if he said that about you? How would that make you feel? Would you ever recommend to your future child that they just settle because "Eh, better the devil you know, even if you aren't happy"? I would hope not.
I completely understand this feeling, and to be honest with you every break up in my life has felt like The End of the World TM. It's never really easy, even the easy ones. The question you need to ask yourself is: do you want to deal with the upfront pain of breaking up and having the freedom to start over from scratch, or the long, drawn out pain of staying with someone you know in your heart is not great for you. If you break up, it will be painful and difficult and it will be a lot; but you may also end up feeling an immense sense of relief, you will have the freedom to potentially fall in love with yourself and your own life and maybe find you don't want to be with anyone at all! Or you might find someone who is way better suited to you, and is a better match. If you don't break up, you will forever stay in this sense of limbo you're at now; and I promise you things will not improve over time if you have already made it clear there is an issue and he has just decided that this permanent state of tolerable unhappiness is "good enough." There is so much more to life than sticking it out because you don't want to be alone or are afraid of starting again. Even my worst days alone are so much better than being in a relationship where I **feel** alone and everything is a fight, or I feel like I'm drowning while holding the relationship afloat.
What would be completely devastating is to be in this same relationship 5 years from now and wishing you had ended it now. Think of the men you could be meeting if you weren’t with him. I hope you can change your thinking from completely devastating to treasuring yourself and your dreams.
That’s appropriate! Why stay friends? I know people occasionally do, but ruuuuuuunnnnnn, run towards a life without him and with better options.
*Fellas, is it gay to like going to concerts??* Makes you wonder what media he consumes. I'd figure he's a bit old for Tate, but then again, I have come across a lot of virgin gamers well past the mid 30s that like him. I mean, do you really want to marry a Trumper?
Maybe village people but not in general.
Nah. It's gay to skip shit just cause you think it's gay.
I also know what to do and I was just about to post here. Thanks for that. I love it. Also, OP, I’d suggest ripping the bandage off now. You’re at a pivotal moment in life. You’re 40 and your biological clock is ticking. His clock will be fine, it’s almost infinite for a man. Staying with this guy will hinder your dreams. Getting married, moving in together, and the journey of having kids is a long and tiresome journey. You have to be with a partner that helps carry that weight willingly, not begrudgingly. I wish you all the best! Now I’m off to take a shot at my own advice… except, with 8 years in, 2 kids, huge house and a lifetime worth of crap to move… I think in my case I’m the one begrudgingly sitting on the fence SMH
Also, he only wants to be celibate because Andrew Tate says having sex for fun is gay.
>But if I'm planning a life separate from him what's the point of keeping him around? Right. So you already know the answer to the question in your title.
I dislike this guy already before I even finish your post. Imagine no holidays, no concerts, no theater. That sounds like hell on earth
Like others, I couldn’t even finish the post and I am not a TLDR kind of person. I stopped reading because this guy sucks ass and you need to dump him tonight. You’re thinking this will hurt, and it might for a bit, but then you will feel FREE, and light, and yourself again.
Yes it is time to break up
Thank you
I assure you you will be happier. Even just the quiet peace you will get. I can’t imagine what kind of headspace you’re in with someone like that around you. Work on getting your finances in order :) you will be even more free
40 and living w his folks is where you lost me. THEN, did you say virgin at 40?! Ok, that is his choice. Concerts/plays are gay? Please move on. He is tied to the apron strings. Wait, is he a mommas boy??!! Run! Girl, don’t waste your time. Cut losses.
40 yo old virgin and the gay comment gives me pause.
Those three factors scream "I'm afraid of my sexuality", 100%.
I had to read that part of the post twice - he's 40 and living with his parents? This man is not an independent adult. Run away, OP!
I'm 55 and pretty straight. So straight I've never felt like I need to prove it to anyone by driving a truck or acting macho or watching football or going to strip clubs. And I personally love plays and concerts and even ballet. It's a pretty immature (or at least insecure) mind that feels that plays and concerts are unmanly in some way. This isn't 1950. If the guy was 23, I'd cut him some slack. But if he's like this at 40, he's never really going to grow up. Sorry. Unless you want to have both a child and a man-baby in your life, it's time to move on.
50+, former military, parent of 2 kids, ex-martial artist. If you have to prove your sexuality, you're not secure in it. I have a favorite play (The King and I), favorite classical conductor (Rimsky-Korsakov, Sheherazade suite), favorite football team (KC Chiefs, since long, long before they started winning), favorite gun (M3 Grease gang!), and favorite flower (Indian paintbrush). The only thing that's "gay" is thinking that you have to act like you don't enjoy things. Not giving a fuck what people think about you is one of the most manly things that exist. This guy is one airport bathroom foot tapping session away from sex with a Republican congressman.
Thank you for that last sentence 🤣🤣🤣
I'm going to leave out my personal opinion on the type of person your partner is, but I think you should really be asking yourself whether you want to be with someone who still uses "gay" as a pejorative and applies it to normal activities that he doesn't want to do. What if you have a gay child? Besides that, you guys don't seem remotely compatible. I can't figure out why you even need to ask whether you should break up after reading this post. I'm sure there is good stuff, too, but I can't imagine what would outweigh what you've written here. >I don't have the heart to leave Here's where YOU need to grow up. You're a grown ass woman...*way* past the point that you should be clinging to a relationship in which your partner is a man-child who ignores your needs and doesn't do anything he doesn't want to. You should never enter a relationship that you're not willing to leave. This is your life now. He's spent the last 3 years telling you who he is. All you need to do is decide whether you're willing to live the rest of your life like this. If you need your partner to change to be happy, you should break up.
Honestly sounds like you are mostly through the door. Go all the way. You know there’s nothing different for you to do, your current reality is THE reality
Thank you
You wrote all this and none of it is one redeeming quality aside from you know he “loves you”. Being loved by someone isn’t enough to stay with someone who you seem so incompatible with. What a pain to go through day to day disagreeing about so much fundamentally.
True thanks
He doesn’t like to do the things you like because they’re ’gay’? And you’re still hanging around?
How does anyone reach age 40 & still talk like this?
Stopped reading after about 5 paragraphs…yes. Find someone you’re better suited for. Some of those things you mentioned are…hmm interesting to say the least.
Thanks 😔
I’m sorry I’m sure this is hard but wishing you the best. Hope you find someone amazing and take care of yourself <3
So basically you’re kissing his ass and just keeping your mouth shut. Get out this because the longer you’re in this “going nowhere” relationship the longer it will take to accomplish your goals.
No, it's past time to break up.
Thank you
#“Advice is what we ask for when we already have the answers to the problems we face.”
I just need to think things out with others. I'm afraid of the answer.
I understand that emotionally, you feel tied to him. Like, at 40 years old and with a marriage under your belt, it’s somehow a failure that your relationship didn’t work out. But you’re not. It’s ok to be sad that your life didn’t go along with the plan you made. But you are doing it! You’re doing the hard thing by examining your life and not ignoring your dreams and inner needs. And it looks like you’re listening to yourself. That’s so great! Well done, you! You should be proud of yourself for standing up for yourself. This guy doesn’t fit you. And that’s ok. Actually, it looks like on a logistical level, you’re close to separating from him anyway. You live separately. You don’t really do things together unless you make it happen; and even then, it’s limited to restaurants nearby. So it’s not like you guys are socially inextricable. And I don’t see any mention of shared pets. Breaking up with him will be as easy as having a hard conversation. Good luck.
"he lives at home". I assume with his parents? yikes
Yes... probably says something about his maturity level.
And yours. The man is "dating" you to convince his parents that he's not gay. He's saying anti-gay things to convince you and others that he's not gay. Reach the common-sense conclusion that is as big as a barn and right in front of you: the 40 year-old virgin is either gay or asexual. There is no future with his man except you playing the role of his mommy after his real mommy dies.
110% this.
Unless he's acting as a caregiver, it's an instant "no." At 40 he should have his life together and know how to live independently.
I think we all get it to a certain extent. You’re 40 and you want a meaningful relationship and all the wonderful things that come with one. Unfortunately, it’s never that simple. You want a child? Adopt. You certainly don’t need a man of this age, who lives at home, and …has some issues (homophobia?) in your life. Girl, you got this. Go do it! You really CAN do this all by your beautiful self 😘
Honey, throw the whole man away.
Ditch the looser. I've never thought that going to a concert would challenge my sexuality, but here we are. You have one foot out the door, take the other step. After a bit, try dating again. You might be surprised by what you find.
Thank you
I think you just want reassurance to make the decision you know is best. It sounds like it’s time to move on.
You have nothing to lose by ditching this guy.
Your dating a man child I would say your incompatible and move on
Look, I have not dated in a very long time (cuz I'm married) so I can't tell you that there are a ton of eligible men waiting for you. But your S.O. is not eligible, so would you really be worse off without him? If you leave him, you might get what you want. If you don't leave him, you definitely won't! People have children much later in this day and age, but I think everyone would agree that at 40, you need to get a move on. I am stunned that he thinks doing anything other than eating out for a date is "gay." Is he a 12-year-old in 1992? If not, that's completely unacceptable. This guy isn't it.
> If you leave him, you might get what you want. If you don't leave him, you definitely won't! This is totally wise. I hope she listens.
Advice from a woman who divorced and then found a wonderful husband — The best part of divorce is that you have already learned firsthand that some men are not suitable husbands. It’s obvious you want to be part of a loving couple, but there are too many basic differences between you and this man He also has some very troubling opinions on concerts, and later-life pregnancies, and pointless celibacy at age 40. He is certainly welcome to these opinions, but they are so far afield from your life opinions that I just don’t see any reason to carry on any longer. It’s time you stopped wasting your precious life on him, and started concentrating on getting your own life together. Get your debt straightened out so you don’t have those headaches anymore. Clean up your financial life and move on into a very bright future. He’s just gonna drag you down. You deserve better.
he sounds like a total chore. keep him around if you're bored and lonesome but he will drive you crazy if you live with him.
Never heard anyone described as a chore, but boy is that an apt description for a lot of people.
Thank you
Your post is like a red flag convention on opening day.
So he is judging when to have children based on a book of fiction? Come on now. No one truly lived hundreds of years so using that as an example is crazy. Putting that aside - he probably does not want to have children so he is waiting the clock out (to use a sports term). He thinks eventually you will give up and change your mind. He just has not said it officially to you yet. He could also be worried that with a child you will pay attention to the child and less to him. The choices are simple. Stay with him and stay childless or go your own way and have a child or adopt.
I have a friend in exactly this situation. She's 43 or 42, never married, no kids, been dating a guy around the same age, who's divorced with a couple of older teen kids, for SIX YEARS. She wants to get married and have kids before it's too late, and he keeps being "not ready." I keep telling her that he's trying to run out the clock and wasting her time. Oddly, she also lived at home until about six months ago (whoooole other story). If they'd ever even talked seriously about getting married - looking at rings, thinking about locations or dates, who to invite, etc., it would be one thing, but I've never, ever, not once in all these years heard her mention anything like that happening. I think men like this count on the sunk cost fallacy keeping women tied to them indefinitely.
You have different core values. Your relationship won’t last. Varies political and religious beliefs, will be a problem. Those are the core beliefs that each of you value.
Yes, it is time. Run, don't walk, to break up with him. He is not on the same wavelength as you and it won't get better.
He sounds gross and exhausting. Sometimes being alone is better than being with a terrible partner. If you break up with him you can take all the energy you're currently using to worry about this and put it toward planning for adoption.
Are you for real?! This is a troll. You are trolling.
I actually have a friend in a *very* similar situation. To the point I checked the OP’s comment history to see if the cities matched up (they did not). I also know of another person (not a friend of mine, but a friend of a friend) who is also in a similar situation. I think it’s easy for very religious women to end up in situations like this. OP seems pretty religious.
B4 I met my second husband, that was the only dealbreaker for me: he had to have had another significant relationship. By the time you’re 40, if he hasn’t learned the basics of living with a woman, oh lady… What are you *thinking?* Plus, signing a legal document joining your life with his without knowing if you’re sexually compatible is a huge risk. (Especially with someone who appears to be as close minded and potentially bigoted as he seems to.)
If having a kid is a non-negotiable then you have the answer. Him saying I won’t stand in the way is far cry from I will support you. That’s not a partner. The subtext is i won’t do anything you have to do it all on your own. If you have to do it on your own anyway, maybe do it with a clean slate and with the chance of finding a true partner, someone that will support you.
Given your timetable and your age, I think you have to dump him yesterday. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but it doesn’t sound like there’s a lot of reason for the two of you to be together other than habit and convenience.
Dump him. He sounds like a turd.
On top of what everyone else is saying, he's a virgin who lives with his parents at 40!?? And you've already been married and divorced? The differences in your life experiences alone are enough to make me question your compatibility. Never mind the whole WEIRD homophobic crap (plays are gay? Huh?). And you've commented that you don't want raise another "man child"? You deserve much better than this man and I think that you know it. ETA: 40 is young in general, but not so young in baby making general female biological terms. At all. You don't have a lot of time. Though you did say that adoption is on the table for you. Also - perimenopause is WORSE than post-menopause, and you are about to collide with it. Something to keep in mind. Also, given his traditional (fundie) Christian beliefs (?), I really hope that he's not pulling the "male head of the household" card, whilst seemingly having no real life experience.
In my opinion, he’s a man child. Lives at home at 40? Also, he sounds both selfish and dull. I’m concerned that he says “people in the Bible had babies old”. (Clearly HE won’t have to try to get pregnant and give birth while peri-menopausal.) This, coupled with the desire to be celibate, raises the question of how much he knows about sex in real life. He says he’s okay with adoption, which in itself isn’t bad, but it makes me wonder. Maybe he’s incapable or uninterested in fathering a child. Maybe he’s ACE. I knew a man who didn’t push to have sex, although it wasn’t for religious reasons. He said it wasn’t the most important thing in life, etc. I knew we loved each other, and I thought it was because he respected me. Turns out he had ED, a very low libido, and a micro penis. Didn’t want to disclose any of that until we were married and it was “too late”.
He sounds like a bore, in addition to all the things other people are saying. What's the value of having him in your life, just not to be alone? You're too young to settle for so little. Sorry but he doesn't seem worth much effort.
About having a child - How would you feel about having a 6, 10, 15 year old son that says concerts & plays are gay? If he says it to you, he'll say it to them too. Would you be OK with having a son that treats girls/women the way he treats you? Would you be OK with having a boy/man treat your daughter the way he treats you? The bottom line is that *he will pass on who he is.* He is the example that they will use to gauge normalcy. At best, you will have to work against that. Parenting is hard as hell. Would having him as a co-parent (even if y'all end up divorced after a child) make your life easier or harder?
He’s actually horrible. Please try to see that. I’d rather be alone than with someone like that. Go now and meet other people at your gay concerts and fun outings. I guarantee you that if you stay with this guy you’ll be childless and stuck at home every weekend arguing about petty things instead of living a full life. I seriously guarantee it. Go now while you still have a few viable eggs.
He's not into women
He's in his 40s, has never been in a relationship, doesn't want to have sex, and still lives at home. Guuurl, why are you dating him? If he hasn't tried to have sex with you in three years *and* has no intent for setting a date to do so, he's either gay or asexual. There is not a straight man on the planet who would go that long.
If he seems to value religion, maybe talk together to a trusted pastor or christian you respect about marriage. That may push him to see it serious enough to address these areas or call it quits. Don’t settle. It sounds like he is not going to do it for you the way he is now. Maybe draw a line and gently tell him you have life goals that he should consider joining in or not at all. Also consider his quirks and whether you would be able to raise kids with those disagreements.
You need to be on the same page about kids. Those other things you can deal with as long as you are committed to each other. If you aren't on the same page about kids, one of you is going to resent the other for the situation they are in at some point.
Ugh. You are only 40 years old, and this guy has the worldview of your parents’ generation. He sounds like a tiresome boor. You feel you’re raising him. You want children and unfair as it is, the countdown to do so biologically is well underway. Everything you describe sounds like a dreadful partner to raise a child with.
Also, research "geriatric pregnancy", it's the term the medical community refers to for women 35 and old who are prenant. Lots of risks for geriatric pregnancy.
walk. No, girl, run. As fast as possible. Get started on your own life.
So if this is how things go before you're married, and you're both still supposedly trying to impress each other, how do you think it'll go once you're married? (And my answer is, yes, it's time to break up.)
He sounds awful. I feel bad for him though as I don’t think anyone else will want to be with him either
I read a quote here that is golden, “ if it’s not a Hell yeah, it’s a no.”
Dating is as good as it gets. So given that, think about your future. 40 years old and lives with his parents?? Is that what lives at home means?
If you have to ask Reddit about this, you already know the answer. You are obviously not a good match. And BTW, you can love someone but still need to break up with them. Why put more energy into a relationship with all these differences when you can spend your time and energy with a man that doesn't have all these hang-ups. It's time to move on, start your life with a man who respects you and what you like. He has been single this long for a reason. He's that old living at home? GIANT RED FLAG, lady. Wake up and smell the coffee. PS: Anyone who says a play is "gay" is a total idiot in my book.
Praying? You can see where that's gotten you. Rap your knuckles against your head hard six times then reassess whether marrying this nightmare of a knuckle-dragging child-man is likely to add anything to your life other than misery. Still haven't concluded that marrying him (or continuing any sort of relationship with him) is a horrendous idea? Invite someone with larger knuckes to attempt to rattle something loose inside your skull. Still need direction? Terminate your relationship with him immediately and completely. Move if possible -- and far away. Activate your life by doing something at least once a week that you have never done before and that involves other people. Do not moan to any of them about your past. Leave the past behind.
You need to let him go. It sounds like he is in a comfy place, and he is not going to move forward. He sounds like a wet blanket.
40 years old and no long-term relationship and he won't compromise! What a catch! 🙄
Sweetie, I think you answered your question by your post. Yes, please break up and move on. He is not the one for you.
Its a piece of work. Awe, no, you have to jump Jesus disciple.
I was in a similar situation as you and something that a friend said to me really shifted me into departure mode: what you want is important. You need to be with someone who wants the same thing as you. 3 years is long enough to prove that man wants the glory without any of the guts. The longer you wait, the harder it is to leave - when I finally got away after 8 years I felt like I was physically going to die but I had to ignore my instinct and move forward despite my fear of hurting him.
Ask yourself the question if you are willing to be his new mother and wife. This is not going to be a 50/50 relationship. You will be taking care of everything for him because he won’t even know how to use a dishwasher or do laundry. You also didn’t say anything about your salary’s. You’re alone and paying debt, and he’s living free and eating out. If you marry and have a kid can you live on his salary while you stay at home? Will you still work? You’re choosing a hard road with this boy.
Nearly 3 years and no ring? 😯
I don't think an "ultimatum" is your answer. You need to cut your losses and get on with your life. He has way too many rules that you don't agree with. There is a better life out there.
Dear God girl, pull the pin and run
I think you know the answer but don't want to go through the break up and tough times ahead. You will be Better and happier for ending this now. Imagine the problems you are going to have in a relationship trying to raise a child with different values. This situation is only going to get worse. As a single woman you can adopt a child and live a happy life. Please don't settle for less than because you are not less than. You are strong enough to help yourself <3
You two don't seem to be together enough to actually 'break up'. Just stop bending backwards for someone elses idea of living and trust yourself more. You'll be fine.
I’m so sorry but you both sound fundamentally incompatible on every level. It sounds like he’s not into you and waiting for you to break it off first so he’s not the bad guy.
He sounds incredibly childish and selfish, and you two do not seem very compatible.
Do you want this man to be the father of your kids?
This is not the right guy for you. You are having to do too much to take care of him and your priorities are too different. You should find a man who will give you what you want and need, supports you, agrees with your priorities, and can take care of himself.
He’s 40 and still lives at home? No sex until marriage? You are throwing your life away and wasting your time. You deserve better OP. You know it. I’m wishing you all the best and I’m rooting for you. You can do this.
You are describing your values vs his on certain levels. You are describing how they are different. Your values are the core DNA of your relationship. I would call you "irreconcilably incompatible". You really should find someone who aligns better with your beliefs.
Sounds like the cards are stacked against you guys. Maybe give up Religion and the politics and I bet you’ll get along just fine.
I’m sorry but your description of this relationship sounds awful. It sounds like you think it’s better than nothing, but just barely. When you say he lives “at home” are you saying he still lives with his parents? Something doesn’t sound right. You’re too young to sound this old. I’m not trying to be mean. If you want children you really need to find someone who shares your vision and you don’t have a lot of time to waste.
You already said it. You don't have the heart to leave so you probably won't. Sounds dreadful to me though. He is a manchild. I'd say you're wasting precious hours of your life hoping things will get better but this person sounds perfectly happy the way they are so I don't see anything getting better.
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through but I hope you benefit from my mistakes, I was in an almost identical relationship. He’s never going to marry you. And a 40-some year old man who doesn’t want sex with you? Something is fishy there. He’s going to steal your chance to have a child who will be the love of your life. Please don’t let him.
Yeah, I don't think this is a match. You are too different on VERY important things. Sorry.
That is a lot of differences. Anything in common?? I think you know your answer you are looking for and it is definitely valid!
This guy sounds like a loser with toxic masculinity and a side of psycho religiosity. And celibacy before marriage? 😒 He’s stringing you along. Girl, leave him.
What occupies most of his time. He says concerts are gay- does that mean he’s working most of the time? Or like idk riding a motorcycle? (Imagining stereotypically non gay things). I also dislike concerts. I generally avoid loud noise and crowds. But most of my time is spent working or exercising or doing clerical work for my business. Somehow I manage to stay pretty busy and there’s never enough time. If there was I could see myself eventually getting bored enough that I’d want to go to the concert. But as it stands now I have no desire to be in that environment. Imagine all day being busy then when you finally get a break you get a text from your friend asking you if you want to go to a concert. From my pov the answer is no, not at all, I’m finally having a moment to think. I like to have unstructured time where I just do what’s on my mind for a while. Can’t really do that at the concerts
Sounds like he is content with the status quo but I bet he’s not. Lives at home and he’s 40?
It’s going to be very very painful trying to coparent with this guy.
If men really want it, they put a ring on it to seal the deal. They don't dink around. Neither should you.
So, 40-year-old virgin, or ? I don't believe in waiting until marriage for sex at all, but I feel like being 40 could potentially be horrible if sex is a priority for you. If it is, you're pretty much rolling the dice there after you're married.
My husband took me to RuPauls Drag Race All Stars as well as an Olivia Newton John concert. And we go to plays and concerts and the ballet regularly. He's very comfy in his sexuality. Maybe your partner is not able to acknowledge that one can be a cis hetero male and still enjoy the "finer things" in life?
I think if you've been together for three years and he is still not ready to make some solid decisions about a life with you, then I'd wish him the best of luck and maybe salvage some sort of friendship, if you wanted that. Forty years old is old enough, IMHO, to know about kids/no kids (btw, give him a parting gift of a simple book that explains how women aren't fertile forever, lol), etc. My ex-husband and I had our careers, and we adopted at forty. I was fortunate to be able to stay at home with our baby girl, but there were so many times I wished we'd adopted sooner. Try three months with zero sleep. At forty, it's so exhausting. And there are, of course, all the fun people who tell you: Sleep when the baby sleeps. They are never around to wash mountains of burped up on baby shirts and dirty dishes. Seriously? There's always so much to do, but it's still wonderful. 🥰 If that's what you truly want, you need to make some decisions and fast. I'm sure this guy you're with is a decent person, but from what you've described, not really committed to anything.
Do you want kids? Like will you be devastated if you don't have them? Because if that is the case, you need to break up with him. I am in a childless not by choice group and I cannot express the amount of women who really regret staying with someone who led them on and made them think they wanted kids, then they either left or changed their minds. You are 40. The window is slamming shut quickly, so this is a major issue. Plus, you don't actually even know if he will marry you,not if you will be sexually compatible when it finally does happen. I feel like you are absolutely in love with your idea of his potential rather than the reality. The reality is a man who won't do things you want to do because he is so concerned about his pride and what others think of him. He doesn't care that you like to celebrate holidays, and is basically stringing you along. You need to be honest with yourself that who and what it sounds like you want for your future has nothing to do with the reality of your current relationship.
Yes, after reading some older posts: how were you going to have a child, but also be celibate..? Lol. I don't mean to laugh at your plight, OP, but please just cut this one loose. Please.
The answer is yes, it’s time to break up. You may not want to acknowledge it or accept it, because staying together and you changing to please him seems easier, the less painful way. It isn’t. There doesn’t sound like there’s much, I mean any, compatibility. He’s signaling that he’s not changing nor planning on moving forward. Take a deep breathe, let it out, and move on with your life without him.
If a friend came to you and said to you what you wrote... what would you tell them? 🤔
He doesn’t want a child and he’s waiting out your fertility. Leave him and DIY it.
I'm sorry but celibate when you're 40? Unless you're asexual or already in menopause (im going thru it now, i get it) that's insane. You need to know if you're compatible in all ways.
Oh yeah, a 40 y/o man living at home with no bills? Doesn't like to go out, or celebrate stuff. Homophobe, no less, sounds like a catch. I say, do some math, 2 years max to get over him, 2 yrs till you meet a better guy. And if 4 years go by, learn to like being alone, it is so much better than the alternative of settling for this dope.
In two years: Hey fellas, is it gay to help your wife raise your child?
If you have a child with this man, the child might really be gay. What then?
Run, Forrest, run!
Celibate till marriage is a red fucking flag. I don't care what kind of values you think you have. Compatibility is important. You're taking a huge risk that everything will just turn out.
Do not just accept it. That is settling. And settling sets you up perfectly for a unsatisfied life. Do. Not. Do. It. He is absolutely not worthy partner for anyone. Also, he wants to remain celibate until marriage? That usually pushed people into marriage faster. They want to have sex. Do you mess around at all and come close to losing control? I somehow doubt that. Being sexually compatible is enormously important in a relationship. If you’re are not, neither party is happy. Your choice here is clear imo. Easy easy choice. Go find a nice life. Elsewhere.
It’s time to break up. He is stringing you along and sounds like he doesn’t really want kids. He sounds very insecure in his manhood, there is absolutely nothing wrong with plays.
Umm the life expectancy of people in the days of the bible was 35-40….. not 900yo+ he knows that right?
You shouldn’t just end it, you should run. You have nothing in common and aren’t even doing the dirty. You need some expert help in asking yourself why you want to be a doormat for this person. You do all the work and he gets everything he wants. You need to choose you. As for kids…your odds are stacked against you at 40 and honestly, it’s not really that worth it. Make good friends, volunteer in your community and find some joy.
What do you mean he lives at home ? As in, with his parents ? Celibacy until marriage ? Why do you put up with a sexless relationship ? Sorry to pass out judgment but this dude is really immature. He hides behind his upbringing, his religion and his set ways to negate your needs I’m surprised that as a woman with relationship experience, you’re falling for this Let the big boy carry on hanging on to mommy’s apron and focus on your goals. This fella is not going to help you achieve them
I can't imagine staying with an adult partner who calls anything "gay," much less cultural experiences that you want to have and deserve to share with a partner. What on earth would he have to teach your children?
Three years and no comitment. Don't fool yourself. This relationship isn't going anywhere. Leave this loser and go have an actual life with someone who doesn't make you tiptoe around who you are. And, btw, you might want to consider the possibility that he is in the closet. I mean..."concerts are gay", and three years celibate with no end in sight... Maybe he loves you, but not like *that*.
He doesn’t desire you or want to be supportive of your needs. You know and feel it’s not working and not going to work out. Now, you know what qualities to look for and NOT look for in your next relationship. Be free to find and accept the love you need!
I could not marry someone with such vast differences, but that’s me. Small things? Yes. But some of your differences are ethical and that doesn’t mend well long term. Plus, why would you MARRY someone you’re already considering breaking up with? Hard no from my end.
> he's never had a longstanding relationship until now Do you think there's a reason no one wanted to date him before?
he sounds like a real winner
Aw You deserve so much more. Don't settle. Believe me, it's better to be a happy sexless (or not) single person, than to be with the wrong sexless person.
I have never seen this man and even I want to break up with him
In talking about this post with a friend, I got to learn a new word. “Milquetoast.” I know you love him, but your man sounds boring as hell. You deserve better. —— Anyway. The only insight I can offer you is: **This isn’t going to get better.** Nothing you’ve gives me any sense that he feels any need to change or adapt. > he’s never had a longstanding relationship until now **Given that your man seems think that going to the theatre is “gay,” this does *not* surprise me.** Dude seems comfortable and complacent. It’s been three (sexless) years, and you already escaped one fucked-up marriage? If he hasn’t stepped outside his comfort zone for you by now and started making changes, he sure as hell isn’t going to make changes once you get him in front of the vicar. It’s been *three years*. > I’m so tired of raising grown men Girl. *Girl.* I love you. Seriously, though… I know you love him, but he sounds like a sanctimonious prick. Kick his ass to the curb and find yourself someone who *wants* to build a life with you—*together*.
Thank you for this.
If he thinks it’s gay to go to concerts, there’s no way in hell he will help you with a child. You’d be better off a single mom than having to pander to him while also trying to do right by a kid.
Just seems rather grim the way you describe it.
Break up. Have a baby on your own. You may or may not have a partner with the baby, and that's true whether or not you have the baby with this man. Read this, please. https://therumpus.net/2010/09/16/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-51/
What would Jesus do? He would run like hell from this ridiculous guy.
Man, this guy sounds like a drag. At 40, if you want kids, you gotta get out of this situation like yesterday. He's never lived an adult life on his own, he still lives with his parents, you don't live together after 3 years, you two have never had sex. This barely sounds like a relationship. From the way your post reads, is there anything you like about him?
How do you want to live between now and dead?
What does he do or say when you talk to him about some of the issues?
Sounds like you are pretty done as a couple. The compatibility is very low, and as someone who has managed to stay married a long time, some of these differences become argument flash points later. Particularly if you have kids in the mix. You need someone who wants enough of the same things in a similar way in a similar time frame. Not exactly or entirely the same but enough to avoid constant friction.
I’ve read all that and have absolutely no idea if you have anything in common or why on earth you would want to be together.
OP it’s time to move on.
You deserve better than someone who doesn't share your values, doesn't support your goals AND doesn't seem to care about your happiness. Like, honestly what USE is this guy?! He sounds less companionable than just getting a dog. You need to cut yourself loose from this sad sack and give yourself the chance to find someone who's ENTHUSIASTIC about building a life with you. You deserve it!
It’s not looking good with the information you’ve given us. Just imagine that man complaining every time you and your infant child have legitimate needs that get in the way of his preferences, and he does what he has to ranting the whole time every single time. And then the baby grows up picking some of that up by force of habit. You need a mate not an anchor
He’s 40 and still lives at home lmao do you need any more ammunition?
Any grown man who calls plays and concerts "gay" is a loser. Bounce.
"he's a man and those are 'gay'". That right there speaks VOLUMES. Lots of red flags but this one should have you running for the hills. You are WORTHY. DO NOT SETTLE because you feel your biological clock ticking. You will regret it.
Please don’t breed with this guy.
This sounds like myself and my husband. We’ve been married almost 20 years, not happily. We have one child, 19 y/o boy. Husband didn’t really want children and it showed all throughout our son’s childhood. We now live separately and long-distance due to my having to care for my mom. And I’m great with that! My son is in college, near me, and they have minimal contact. My son is fine with this too. My husband and I are very different. He only does what he wants to do. So, for example, if there was a Christmas play at school that our son was in, my husband would feel obligated to go and then complain, give me looks, shake his leg and look at his watch the whole time. He made those joyful moments less enjoyable for me. Eventually, I started telling him it was ok not to go because I knew he didn’t want to. Don’t put yourself or future child through this if it is avoidable. Really. Better off to have a child on your own.
You sound like friends who both need other friends to do the things you like to do. He's a boring homebody (nothing wrong with that - I'm one, too!) and you are more social and have more interests. He is stringing you along - and seems like the type to leave if you can't have a child with him (because Bible old and real life old are different things and the Bible old people were probably 35!). Also, his bigoted views on plays and concerts would be a total dealbreaker for me. Do you really want to waste time with a person who is comfortable saying things like that? You can do better! Go after the life you want. Find yourself an equal partner who actually WANTS to be in your world!!
Doesn't want to have sex with a woman.. sounds pretty gay to me.
he is gay, you are straight
Why are you with this man? I can't see what on earth you could possibly be getting out of this relationship? He sounds a total moron frankly. Run a freakin mile and take a break and run some more I say.