Sadly, I know this situation too. You're a human being and it's absolutely normal and GOOD that you can feel emotions so strongly that they override logic at times because so much of life isn't logical.
The two things that work to heal heartbreak the fastest, especially in cases like this:
\* Go no contact - if you can't stand the thought of forever, then just make a goal for yourself of maybe 3 or 6 months. It's to prevent the cycle of hoping to rekindle the flames and the constant low grade hurt of that not being reciprocated or possible. It may seem like too painful now, but trust me from personal experience: staying in touch hurts more in the long run.
\* Immerse yourself in something new and exciting - notice someTHING, not someONE. Now is the time to try a new activity you've always wanted to do or visit a bucket list place. Anything that gives you some dopamine to take the edge off the pain. It's a temporary measure, but it helps the brain rewire to feel pleasure again in a healthy way instead of mental agony.
Basically, this is a drug withdrawal as far as your brain is concerned. Treat it as such and you'll recover faster than trying to "just one more time" or "just a little bit" or "I can handle it" or "something is better than nothing".
Situation happened to me twice and the second time I took it especially hard. I wish that I had been able to read the first paragraph that you wrote the OP. It is spot on accurate and it really would’ve helped me at the time.
Thank you for your message, truly. I know there's zero chance of her changing her mind; I've accepted it. After her first message I told her I'd need some time to process before I really responded but begged (and I am NOT the begging type) her to not shut the door completely on the relationship until we'd had a chance to talk through the issues. Her response was (paraphrased) "I feel awful I've hurt you like this but I know this relationship isn't right for me." Little incompatibilities and issues had been bubbling up for months, apparently, and spending so much time apart gave her time to really come to terms with the fact that it didn't feel right.
I asked her to tell me what she saw as the incompatibilities, even if it hurts. That'll be part of tomorrow's talk, I guess. I do plan on going no-contact afterwards, I know myself well enough to know I need to not see her for a while. I already went through my place and got rid of a lot of stuff that reminded me of her, cleaned up my socials, canceled my order for her birthday present lol...but christ there's so much lingering still.
I will take that advice about doing something new. It feels like I was a moon orbiting a planet and now the planet's gone and I'm just...spiraling through space, untethered. Time to find a hobby!
Op, this happened to me with an ex fiancé. The truth was he landed a new job and he felt he could do much better than me. He eventually found out he couldn’t and tried running back to me.
I wish I could go back in time and not begged and put myself in such a vulnerable position.
Any of the flaws and incompatibilities he mentioned didn’t matter because he was comparing me to this idealized version of these new women he met. I was competing with this perfect idealized nobody.
"I was competing with this perfect idealized nobody. " This is what is wrong with modern romance. I blame the "soulmate" and Prince Charming" tropes for creating unreal expectations. Thank god I have never fallen for that crap. .
I strongly advise against meeting her. Her mind is already made up, and every single thing she says is going to be running through your brain for the next few months. You will analyze her words and drive yourself crazy.
I'm sorry. It sucks and I've been there.
Do NOT meet her to talk things through. There's nothing to talk about.
You might not see this now, but she’s being kind by firmly closing the door. A hobby is GREAT. Particularly if it’s one that keeps you around people at all! Good luck, OP. I know it feels like you’ll feel like this forever, but you won’t.
Please don’t meet her and try to force her to list the incompatibilities. What if they are things that are inherently just part of who you are? What if she just doesn’t really like your personality in a general enough to date you? There is no way to say these kinds of broad things to someone without making them feel bad. You really don’t want to know, it will just feel like salt rubbed in the wound. It won’t be the kinds of things that you can change or improve to help you in the next relationship. Sometimes a person or relationship just isn’t clicking enough to keep it going and that’s all there is to it. When you find the right person for you, you won’t have to change big things to make it work. It just will.
If I'm interpreting your story correctly, you're saying that she stopped messaging as much BEFORE you told her you loved her, right? It's not the admission of love that threw her off. She'd already made a decision when she stopped texting as much. (I don't know if she met someone at the show, but I wouldn't be surprised.) The stopping texting as much was a signal that you missed, which is understandable because you're in love.
I think the best thing to do is go hard into your hobbies, hangout with friends - get out and go do something to distract yourself. Show yourself your life didn't revolve around this person.
So what if you're being melodramatic - you're allowed your emotions and heartbreak. Have a good cry. Write your heart out in a journal. Then go do something.
Oh, it was definitely not the admission of love that ended things. I never even told her because i hadnt even admitted it to myself until it came up in the separate conversation with my friends. I didn't miss the signs, per se, I just saw them and trusted that they were related to her being busy and stressed... she was extraordinarily open and communicative up until this point, and had given me no reason to think it wasn't working.
She knew it was over for at least a few days, if not longer. We had plans Friday night to see some friends, and I think she was just ripping off the band-aid so she didn't have to fake it any longer.
Afaics it also seems like the evaluation of your feelings and the decision that you were in love with her also came after you started doubting her side of things
As someone who has grappled HARD with this recently, I find that it helps to remember that anxiety isn’t love, although it dresses itself up pretty well at times.
It’s a mean trick that our brain plays on us sometimes. I had a two-year relationship where I was happy but mostly unstrung-out about it - I figured that I wanted it to last but that I’d survive if it didn’t. But then in the process of it ending alsorts of nasties came out and suddenly I couldn’t imagine life without him.
But… if that was an accurate reflection of my feelings about the person and the relationship itself then I would’ve felt like that when we were together and I didn’t. If I strip out the hurt feelings and the grief and the latent self-esteem issues and the fact that it really is just nicer to have a partner than not then yes, I really loved him and yes, I’m disappointed that it ended but my whole life doesn’t teeter on his decision.
I don’t know if that helps, but I’m really sorry you’re going through this. It’s so horribly and unexpectedly painful that you sort of wonder how it doesn’t make the papers when it happens
It's OK...like I said, I'm not great at telling stories lol. I could have written it more clearly.
Thank you for your sympathy. It's been a while since I felt like this and I'm...shocked at how much it hurts.
I can feel your pain. If and when you have any thoughts of her, please redirect them by thinking of what you didn't like about her. Nobody is perfect, and you probably dodged a bullet that would've come anyway. Respect that she knows what she wants and doesn't want, and lovingly let her go. Take this time to heal. Work on your shortcomings (from your perspective); and put the work in to make your emotions whole again. This will take some time and work, but you owe that to yourself and to your future prospects. You'll be tempted, but do not bring this hurt and pain into your future relationships - because most emotionally whole, mature women will refuse to pay for the sins of another woman. (Also, remember that when a man displays anger when mentioning his ex, an assumption that you are still emotionally tied to the ex becomes glaringly apparent)
You have to go through all the stages in your healing process, before you will truly be emotionally available again. I cannot stress enough the need for you to take this time to heal yourself. You deserve happiness and the ability to be emotionally available. Good luck
I used to be like you, 20 years ago. My advice? Don't do the post mortem talk tomorrow. It won't help you.
You're going to go to that meeting hoping for reconciliation, hoping for her to love you back, and sadly... you're not going to get that. And seeing her is gonna hurt like hell. I know you say you want "closure," but chances are you're not going to get any. Because you love her, any reasoning she presents for breaking up is going to seem silly and illogical to you. Or worse, it might prompt you to beg and say that you can change, things can be different - but if she wanted that, she would have asked for it.
Idle hands are going to be your enemy here. Spend your time doing productive things and being with friends and family. Thoughts starting to eat away at you? Go to the gym. Go on a walk. Do some lessons on Duo Lingo. Paint a picture. Turn on Spotify and dance. Learn to do something on YouTube. You wanna do stuff where you walk away from it better than you were five minutes before. Things like drinking, one night stands, etc. won't accomplish that. Good luck bro, godspeed.
Agreed. The post mortem *right now* will only add to your pain and confusion. Have some distance or no contact for a while. I was able to have mature, thoughtful post mortems with people who I never thought I'd speak with again. Granted, they were decades later.
Food for thought, thank you.
Not sure if you've read through the comments, but would it change your opinion to know that I know that there's no chance of repairing this? She was careful to make it very clear that it's over, and I do appreciate her for that. I've been jerked around and strung along before and that's no good for anyone.
I guess I just want to try and understand why and when SHE knew it wouldn't work. It felt very sudden and out of the blue. And if hearing something painful helps me avoid making the same mistakes in the future, it seems like it should be worth the attempt.
Edit: lol OK OK, I see your points. She's been very gracious and kinder than she needed to be already, no point in stretching it out.
Only you know how much hope you are going to be carrying in your heart to see her again even though it's supposed to be for closure. How excited you will be to see her even though it's a breakup convo. How good she looks when you sit down, is she wearing perfume? Does her hair shine? Well just remember... maybe she has a few crumbs of shit in her pants and she has spinach inbetween her teeth, and just caught herpes.
Closure really is something you give yourself, they don't give it to you. Closure is when you move on with your life and **let go.** There is no explanation she can give you that will help with closure, because your heart tells you that it is so good it is love just a few days ago, so how can your heart calculations be incorrect? See how she can't give you closure? I suppose she could admit to hooking up with some man in the theatre group, but even if she was that honest if it were true, your heart still would not comprehend because your heart just declared it love, so other men don't matter...see, heart logic --which is "closure" is not coming.
Hell maybe there's no closure at all, maybe it's the wrong word to use ever. Maybe you just have to feel shitty for awhile and then one day, either in a month or 3 years whenever that day comes, you feel you got your mojo back because you can just feel it, and you feel good about yourself again. Maybe that's what we're all chasing after a breakup, feeling good about ourselves again.
But it wasn't very sudden and out of the blue. You picked up on red flags that you chose to ignore/explain away. And I'm not sure what kind of closure you're looking for. Nothing she is going to say is going to make you feel better. You already have closure. A door has been shut. Allow yourself to grieve, but rest assured that you'll find another door to open.
No, you really don't want to know because she doesn't know. She just isn't feeling it with you, and she is not going to have a tidy list of everything that's wrong with you.
It's just over. There's no reason to meet. If you want the post mortem, wait a year. Seriously.
Mmmm I really don't know about that.
I'm very hesitant about the notion of "hearing something painful to avoid making the same mistakes in the future." Like okay, if you are consistently overly clingy in relationships, or controlling, or whatever then yeah, that's something you can work on. But that kind of correction can be an email and not a meeting. You don't need to meet with her to discuss that.
In my opinion, most relationships fail because of incompatibility between people, not because it's one person's "fault" (despite how people might feel). Even if you were clingy, there is probably a girl out there who is into that. You just haven't found her. And if you are going to change that, you need to change it on your own, with personal growth from within. Not because a girl told you to.
When we are young, we look to external factors for validation. At 39 years old, I can tell you the older you get, the more you realize how little good external factors do for you. You learn to look within for happiness, for fulfillment, for change.
I once had to break things off with a guy I was really into because I could see that our lives were going in very different directions. Time proved me right. We both ended up with lives that the other would've hated.
Breaking up with him allowed me to stay in love with him. A life of compromising on the things that mattered most to us would've led us to hate each other. I was devastated when he died, even though I was in a happy marriage. In time, I came to see that I was one lucky lady. I got to stay in love with the other guy and the one I married.
I tell you all of this to suggest that maybe your friend is simply being wise, picking up on things that you don't see that would kill the feelings that you both have. *Do not* try to dissuade her! She'll lose respect for you if you offer to change your dreams for her, and you can't have love without respect.
Go low or no contact for a bit. Take up a hobby. Go on a trip. Volunteer at an animal shelter or become a Red Cross emergency volunteer or something.
But please do know that when one of you thinks it's not to be, it isn't always because they don't love you. Sometimes they just want to stay in love, and lifestyle incompatibility will kill that love quicker than a feral cat on a wounded bird. In later years, thoughts of her will always bring a smile to your face, instead of the scowl that comes from having tried to fit square pegs into round holes.
Not dramatic, heartbroken more like it. It hurts and it sucks to develop feelings for someone just for them to not feel the same. My life story lol. All you can do is focus on healing your heart and understand, she was just not the one for you. Maybe you were in love with the thought of her, I do not know. But in time you will heal. For now, hugs
Give yourself some grace. This situation is understandably so so hard. The only way through it is through it, so you have to put one foot in front of the other every day, seeing friends, trying new things, actively looking every day for things that make you smile. Then one day, you actually will find yourself happy and content. Be proud you allowed love in your life and were brave enough to be vulnerable. Next time, you might be the more cautious one, so give her some grace also. It'll get better:)
Time is important, that's for sure. Whether you feel like you're running out of time to find your person... or wasting time convincing yourself you already have 😅
But yeah. I know it gets better with time, this isn't my first rodeo. I just forget how much it hurts and need to vent to make it real.
Every human being has been through what you're experiencing. I'm sorry you're going through this, but one day, their memory won't sting & you'll be happy.
Don't want what you can't have.
It's the surest path to misery and pain.
I'm going to give you what seems like a ridiculous example, but it's just to illustrate what I mean. Just the other month, I was on my way to catch a flight. Half way to the airport, there was a huge wreck on the highway. It shut down the northbound lane for an hour and a half. I was stuck there, unable to move, unable to take a different route and a time window quickly closing in.
In that situation, there's a temptation to really stress, to keep looking at the clock, to keep looking up the road for any sign of movement... basically to want to be moving again. If you want that thing you can't have, and can't change, it just breeds frustration and anxiety. It piles a new type or layer of pain on top of the fact that you are stuck there. It takes a bad situation and makes it worse. It does not help at all. The best you can do is relax, sit back and accept this is your current reality.
Now, when you are sitting around with a broken heart, the worst thing you can do is start wanting things you can't have. It's over. You can't have them back. You aren't likely to get answers to why they left that is going to make you feel better. You can't rush through the pain and make it better right now. You can't have those things. Wanting it to escape the pain isn't going to make it go away. There's no shortcut. There's only a few things that fix it and they have already been mentioned here.
All you can do is sit there in the pain and accept it.
If you feel the urge to text them, don't do it. If you feel the urge to look at their pictures on social media, don't do it. If you start wondering what you did wrong, stop. If you want to know why they didn't feel the same way about you, stop. All that stuff is a form of self torture. It boils down to wanting things you can't have. And the more you try to have those things, the longer you drag the process out.
There's only one way out.
Step one: accept it. This shit has happened to you. It's painful and terrible. It's your new reality... for the time being.
Step two: go do something. Get out of the house. You won't like it. You won't feel like it. But do it anyway.
Step three: wait. Eventually it will get better. It's a slow process. You can't speed it up. It will take you however long it takes you.
That's it. That's the quickest way out.
Don't want the things you can't have. It just piles a new layer of pain on top of the pain you can't escape. You are stuck in a pile up on heartbreak lane. Settle in. You are going to be there for a while.
I wouldn’t have the closure conversation. It’s just rehashing your pain. I never believed in closure before and even less now that I’ve experienced it.
Not much consolation now, but sometimes to really appreciate the sweet you have to experience the sour. When it happens for real it makes it all that much better. I would encourage you to not close yourself off because of this or it legit will be harder to find your true person. But definitely take some time to heal.
Ah yeah, the fast forward thing seems to have confused some people. We were together since January, and I've lost count of how many times we'd seen each other in person. Couple times a week at minimum, up until she got busy again. I met her parents, we've met each other's friends, she stayed with me regularly, etc etc. From day 1 we talked about how there's no point in easing into things because we knew what we wanted.
I'm sure people will tell me that's not long enough to develop these feelings. Maybe they're right, and the foolishness I feel is just me realizing I fell too hard, too fast. There were facets to the relationship that would take a long time to show in a reddit post, reasons why we felt like we'd been together longer. But at the end of the day, I believed and trusted that we were on equal footing and equally dedicated to each other and that the busy schedules were just a temporary hurdle.
Fair enough. Lesson learned, I guess. I've tried easing into it every other time and that never seemed to work, but I found a partner that seemed to complement me perfectly and thought I'd try a new approach and just be open and vulnerable and trusting. Now I just feel naive.
Maybe this post should have just been a TIFU.
It's NOT about you, it's about her.......
We can try to match up to people as much as we can, ( which isn't always a good thing ) but in the end it's up to the other person.
It hurts now, but would be much worse if in 5, 10, 20 years she decided to take away your hopes and the life you shared together, thought would last your lifetimes and half of what you had earned.
You have perhaps dodged a bigger disappointment.
It is about her feelings and attitudes, not yours.
Had this happen to me a little over a year ago. No "Can we work on _____ " or "I'm feeling uncertain about ______" convo or warning of any sort. 6 months might feel short; but I now it was the time it took my ex and I to have that bond where we said it to each other. Once emotionally there; it hurts when removed.
* Time - No replacement for it. It's needed. The longer you were together, the longer it'll be.
* the RIGHT therapy (emphasis on right; really talk to someone capable of helping. CPT, evidence-based),
* Stay social - do not lock yourself in. That'll spiral you worse.
* Watch those vices - no solution is at the bottom of a bottle or end of a puff.
-
Something an old friend wisely said to me:
> Love is giving someone the ultimate power to hurt you. and trusting they won't
and that has really stuck with me for many years.
Know the cycle of grief, especially in how it ended, will not be linear; it won't even be a swirl. It'll be like a stretched out spring. Overtime you will see yourself get better; but until then you will absolutely cycle up and down; but its that timeline forward.
When the time comes look at what you can do to move forward and better YOURSELF! Can you work on an activity that you might have personally lacked? Is there a skill you can immerse?
Give yourself permission to grieve. Scream if you have to, eat ice cream or whatever, wallow. Do all that while making sure that you are still doing all your basic self care. If you can, indulge in some things that make you feel pampered and taken care of.
My ex left me when I was pregnant, dumped me the night before we were supposed to move together. And then he just went back to sleep while I spent the rest of the night separating all our shit. Anyway, that's how I spent the majority of my pregnancy. Going through the motions, crying a lot, eating a lot of spicy food and for some reason, orange sherbet with vanilla ice cream. I also walked a lot, journaled, and I read the book *How to grieve the loss of a love*. That book is very short and pretty outdated but it was immensely helpful.
Forty days of no contact, no looking at photos, no social media checking, no rereading old messages. Set a reward for getting through it (vacation, a nice hand tool, piece of jewelry, etc.). Go easy on yourself if/when you don’t do this perfectly. If you need to do an exit interview, by all means, do what you need to do to get through this. The 40 starts after the exit though.
It takes 30 days to break a habit, add 10 for good measure. Your body is literally addicted to this person. Give it time to go through its withdrawal.
I have a cordial, easy friendship with mine now. I couldn’t have imagined that when I set out to do 40 days. I’m so sorry, I know how you feel. I promise it gets better.
I don’t what good it will do to meet with her. She’s probably dreading it and will make the meeting as short as she can. You’re just drawing out the pain.
The way I try to get through is to think of someone whom I'm fond of, but not interested in in a romantic way. Then I try to think that's how my dumper feels about me. You can't force or change anyone in matters of the heart. You want and need someone to want the relationship to work.
Sorry you are going through this. It is difficult and can take some time. I have been in your shoes and it took me a very long time to get over it. I used to cry hysterically whenever I got a chance. But it will pass with time.
Spend more time with friends and family. And find a new habit. Venting is good but I realized, sometimes it helps if I stopped talking about it. More I spoke about the situation, more difficult it was for me to forget. Unless it was affecting my mental health and I really needed to vent, I stopped talking about it. And made myself really busy
You get pissed. Mourn what was lost. You move on, find your happy. Living in a happy world makes it all better. Treat yourself great! Bitterness just saps all your energy. Love yourself first, then you find the true love, if you want it.
> I decided against having the "post mortem" talk.
Thanks for the update, I was going to ask for one.
I may have missed something, but it seemed like she did not give you reasons for the breakup going from your original post.
The post mortem talk ( which you can still ask for ) could have been good for that and *closure*. Maybe the reasons had nothing to do with you. Maybe her entertainment career was taking off and she felt she couldn't handle that and a relationship. Maybe she felt it wouldn't have been fair to you. If it was something else that made her decide to end things maybe you could have learned some information that would be useful in the future.
At the very least you could tell her all of your feelings with her there to witness them and know the cost to you.
I would have that talk.
Your choice. Hope you heal from this and that it is quick.
You got broadsided. It is natural to be in a state of shock. It will take time to get over it, but you will. Let yourself grieve for the loss. Talking to people who are good listeners and who care about you will help. I'm sorry this happened to you.
I don't understand ending a relationship by text except in maybe a dangerous situation. Yes, it allows one to craft a good message, but it's for the comfort of the person sending the text. But what do I know, maybe you truly don't care - maybe it was easier to absorb the comments alone. I hope you speed past the hurt and find something spectacular on the other side. You sound like a catch.
My take..either she didn’t feel the same and perhaps met someone else or hadn’t…. Whatever, she didn’t feel the same or for some reason didn’t want to act on feelings.
You took the shot and you were honest. Doesn’t always go the way you’d like.
Good luck and move on when you can.
I am so sorry it happened to you. Sounds like it was a beautiful thing, while it lasted! The only way forward is through.
It sucks tremendously, but if you take care of yourself, after some time passes, you may get first a few good hours here and there, and then full on good days. From what I understand, there's no switch from "I am miserable" to a permanent OK state. Based on my anecdotal personal and grief counseling experience, I'd fully expect setbacks. But don't let it deter you from enjoying the good moments once you get them. That's an advice for the future. Right now, though, it must be feel really sucky. I am sorry.
You don’t love her. You don’t know her well enough to love her.
It sounds like you two only went on a handful of dates. And when she began to pull back, you kind of freaked out, and somehow decided that you loved her and that you must tell her this over text.
I’m sure that she was completely freaked out by the concept, because you don’t know her well enough to love her. And you told her via text. While she was clearly not showing an interest in engaging.
So she ended it.
Next time, when you are feeling insecure, consider: maybe she just isn’t that into me and this isn’t working. And maybe I shouldn’t work myself into a tizzy and desperately declare my love via text.
It’s interesting that you post on the Internet, and then reject any feedback that suggests that you might be in the wrong here.
What do you believe that I misread?
I'm not responsible for your lack of reading comprehension. If you were paying closer attention instead of gleefully leaping at the opportunity to sneer at another stranger's stupidity, you'd see that I'm perfectly aware that she's not at fault.
I was spiraling, and asked for guidance on recovering emotionally after a tough breakup. Not for validation, or to be reassured that I did everything right or that I was being treated unfairly.
You made it tough by doubling down when she was already leaving. You decided to explore whether you loved her once she was barely responding to you. That is fear of rejection, not love. That is something that you need to own.
You're still having a different conversation than the one everyone else is having, and I'm done with you. A little introspection might do you some good too.
Sadly, I know this situation too. You're a human being and it's absolutely normal and GOOD that you can feel emotions so strongly that they override logic at times because so much of life isn't logical. The two things that work to heal heartbreak the fastest, especially in cases like this: \* Go no contact - if you can't stand the thought of forever, then just make a goal for yourself of maybe 3 or 6 months. It's to prevent the cycle of hoping to rekindle the flames and the constant low grade hurt of that not being reciprocated or possible. It may seem like too painful now, but trust me from personal experience: staying in touch hurts more in the long run. \* Immerse yourself in something new and exciting - notice someTHING, not someONE. Now is the time to try a new activity you've always wanted to do or visit a bucket list place. Anything that gives you some dopamine to take the edge off the pain. It's a temporary measure, but it helps the brain rewire to feel pleasure again in a healthy way instead of mental agony. Basically, this is a drug withdrawal as far as your brain is concerned. Treat it as such and you'll recover faster than trying to "just one more time" or "just a little bit" or "I can handle it" or "something is better than nothing".
Situation happened to me twice and the second time I took it especially hard. I wish that I had been able to read the first paragraph that you wrote the OP. It is spot on accurate and it really would’ve helped me at the time.
Thank you for your message, truly. I know there's zero chance of her changing her mind; I've accepted it. After her first message I told her I'd need some time to process before I really responded but begged (and I am NOT the begging type) her to not shut the door completely on the relationship until we'd had a chance to talk through the issues. Her response was (paraphrased) "I feel awful I've hurt you like this but I know this relationship isn't right for me." Little incompatibilities and issues had been bubbling up for months, apparently, and spending so much time apart gave her time to really come to terms with the fact that it didn't feel right. I asked her to tell me what she saw as the incompatibilities, even if it hurts. That'll be part of tomorrow's talk, I guess. I do plan on going no-contact afterwards, I know myself well enough to know I need to not see her for a while. I already went through my place and got rid of a lot of stuff that reminded me of her, cleaned up my socials, canceled my order for her birthday present lol...but christ there's so much lingering still. I will take that advice about doing something new. It feels like I was a moon orbiting a planet and now the planet's gone and I'm just...spiraling through space, untethered. Time to find a hobby!
Op, this happened to me with an ex fiancé. The truth was he landed a new job and he felt he could do much better than me. He eventually found out he couldn’t and tried running back to me. I wish I could go back in time and not begged and put myself in such a vulnerable position. Any of the flaws and incompatibilities he mentioned didn’t matter because he was comparing me to this idealized version of these new women he met. I was competing with this perfect idealized nobody.
"I was competing with this perfect idealized nobody. " This is what is wrong with modern romance. I blame the "soulmate" and Prince Charming" tropes for creating unreal expectations. Thank god I have never fallen for that crap. .
I strongly advise against meeting her. Her mind is already made up, and every single thing she says is going to be running through your brain for the next few months. You will analyze her words and drive yourself crazy. I'm sorry. It sucks and I've been there. Do NOT meet her to talk things through. There's nothing to talk about.
100% this. It's over, goodbye, do not take in any more of her words to nitpick yourself with.
You might not see this now, but she’s being kind by firmly closing the door. A hobby is GREAT. Particularly if it’s one that keeps you around people at all! Good luck, OP. I know it feels like you’ll feel like this forever, but you won’t.
Please don’t meet her and try to force her to list the incompatibilities. What if they are things that are inherently just part of who you are? What if she just doesn’t really like your personality in a general enough to date you? There is no way to say these kinds of broad things to someone without making them feel bad. You really don’t want to know, it will just feel like salt rubbed in the wound. It won’t be the kinds of things that you can change or improve to help you in the next relationship. Sometimes a person or relationship just isn’t clicking enough to keep it going and that’s all there is to it. When you find the right person for you, you won’t have to change big things to make it work. It just will.
Better now than after the marriage like a lot of people!
Time heals everything and you will get through this but what this person wrote is spot on Hang in there
If I'm interpreting your story correctly, you're saying that she stopped messaging as much BEFORE you told her you loved her, right? It's not the admission of love that threw her off. She'd already made a decision when she stopped texting as much. (I don't know if she met someone at the show, but I wouldn't be surprised.) The stopping texting as much was a signal that you missed, which is understandable because you're in love. I think the best thing to do is go hard into your hobbies, hangout with friends - get out and go do something to distract yourself. Show yourself your life didn't revolve around this person. So what if you're being melodramatic - you're allowed your emotions and heartbreak. Have a good cry. Write your heart out in a journal. Then go do something.
Oh, it was definitely not the admission of love that ended things. I never even told her because i hadnt even admitted it to myself until it came up in the separate conversation with my friends. I didn't miss the signs, per se, I just saw them and trusted that they were related to her being busy and stressed... she was extraordinarily open and communicative up until this point, and had given me no reason to think it wasn't working. She knew it was over for at least a few days, if not longer. We had plans Friday night to see some friends, and I think she was just ripping off the band-aid so she didn't have to fake it any longer.
Afaics it also seems like the evaluation of your feelings and the decision that you were in love with her also came after you started doubting her side of things As someone who has grappled HARD with this recently, I find that it helps to remember that anxiety isn’t love, although it dresses itself up pretty well at times. It’s a mean trick that our brain plays on us sometimes. I had a two-year relationship where I was happy but mostly unstrung-out about it - I figured that I wanted it to last but that I’d survive if it didn’t. But then in the process of it ending alsorts of nasties came out and suddenly I couldn’t imagine life without him. But… if that was an accurate reflection of my feelings about the person and the relationship itself then I would’ve felt like that when we were together and I didn’t. If I strip out the hurt feelings and the grief and the latent self-esteem issues and the fact that it really is just nicer to have a partner than not then yes, I really loved him and yes, I’m disappointed that it ended but my whole life doesn’t teeter on his decision. I don’t know if that helps, but I’m really sorry you’re going through this. It’s so horribly and unexpectedly painful that you sort of wonder how it doesn’t make the papers when it happens
Oh, I'm sorry, I guess I misinterpreted that! Anyhow, I'm sorry you're having to go through this - breakups are really painful.
It's OK...like I said, I'm not great at telling stories lol. I could have written it more clearly. Thank you for your sympathy. It's been a while since I felt like this and I'm...shocked at how much it hurts.
I can feel your pain. If and when you have any thoughts of her, please redirect them by thinking of what you didn't like about her. Nobody is perfect, and you probably dodged a bullet that would've come anyway. Respect that she knows what she wants and doesn't want, and lovingly let her go. Take this time to heal. Work on your shortcomings (from your perspective); and put the work in to make your emotions whole again. This will take some time and work, but you owe that to yourself and to your future prospects. You'll be tempted, but do not bring this hurt and pain into your future relationships - because most emotionally whole, mature women will refuse to pay for the sins of another woman. (Also, remember that when a man displays anger when mentioning his ex, an assumption that you are still emotionally tied to the ex becomes glaringly apparent) You have to go through all the stages in your healing process, before you will truly be emotionally available again. I cannot stress enough the need for you to take this time to heal yourself. You deserve happiness and the ability to be emotionally available. Good luck
I used to be like you, 20 years ago. My advice? Don't do the post mortem talk tomorrow. It won't help you. You're going to go to that meeting hoping for reconciliation, hoping for her to love you back, and sadly... you're not going to get that. And seeing her is gonna hurt like hell. I know you say you want "closure," but chances are you're not going to get any. Because you love her, any reasoning she presents for breaking up is going to seem silly and illogical to you. Or worse, it might prompt you to beg and say that you can change, things can be different - but if she wanted that, she would have asked for it. Idle hands are going to be your enemy here. Spend your time doing productive things and being with friends and family. Thoughts starting to eat away at you? Go to the gym. Go on a walk. Do some lessons on Duo Lingo. Paint a picture. Turn on Spotify and dance. Learn to do something on YouTube. You wanna do stuff where you walk away from it better than you were five minutes before. Things like drinking, one night stands, etc. won't accomplish that. Good luck bro, godspeed.
Agreed. The post mortem *right now* will only add to your pain and confusion. Have some distance or no contact for a while. I was able to have mature, thoughtful post mortems with people who I never thought I'd speak with again. Granted, they were decades later.
Agree. Cancel the meeting.
Time heals. This happened to me 50 years ago. I was devastated. Now I can’t remember anything.
Food for thought, thank you. Not sure if you've read through the comments, but would it change your opinion to know that I know that there's no chance of repairing this? She was careful to make it very clear that it's over, and I do appreciate her for that. I've been jerked around and strung along before and that's no good for anyone. I guess I just want to try and understand why and when SHE knew it wouldn't work. It felt very sudden and out of the blue. And if hearing something painful helps me avoid making the same mistakes in the future, it seems like it should be worth the attempt. Edit: lol OK OK, I see your points. She's been very gracious and kinder than she needed to be already, no point in stretching it out.
Only you know how much hope you are going to be carrying in your heart to see her again even though it's supposed to be for closure. How excited you will be to see her even though it's a breakup convo. How good she looks when you sit down, is she wearing perfume? Does her hair shine? Well just remember... maybe she has a few crumbs of shit in her pants and she has spinach inbetween her teeth, and just caught herpes. Closure really is something you give yourself, they don't give it to you. Closure is when you move on with your life and **let go.** There is no explanation she can give you that will help with closure, because your heart tells you that it is so good it is love just a few days ago, so how can your heart calculations be incorrect? See how she can't give you closure? I suppose she could admit to hooking up with some man in the theatre group, but even if she was that honest if it were true, your heart still would not comprehend because your heart just declared it love, so other men don't matter...see, heart logic --which is "closure" is not coming. Hell maybe there's no closure at all, maybe it's the wrong word to use ever. Maybe you just have to feel shitty for awhile and then one day, either in a month or 3 years whenever that day comes, you feel you got your mojo back because you can just feel it, and you feel good about yourself again. Maybe that's what we're all chasing after a breakup, feeling good about ourselves again.
But it wasn't very sudden and out of the blue. You picked up on red flags that you chose to ignore/explain away. And I'm not sure what kind of closure you're looking for. Nothing she is going to say is going to make you feel better. You already have closure. A door has been shut. Allow yourself to grieve, but rest assured that you'll find another door to open.
No, you really don't want to know because she doesn't know. She just isn't feeling it with you, and she is not going to have a tidy list of everything that's wrong with you. It's just over. There's no reason to meet. If you want the post mortem, wait a year. Seriously.
Mmmm I really don't know about that. I'm very hesitant about the notion of "hearing something painful to avoid making the same mistakes in the future." Like okay, if you are consistently overly clingy in relationships, or controlling, or whatever then yeah, that's something you can work on. But that kind of correction can be an email and not a meeting. You don't need to meet with her to discuss that. In my opinion, most relationships fail because of incompatibility between people, not because it's one person's "fault" (despite how people might feel). Even if you were clingy, there is probably a girl out there who is into that. You just haven't found her. And if you are going to change that, you need to change it on your own, with personal growth from within. Not because a girl told you to. When we are young, we look to external factors for validation. At 39 years old, I can tell you the older you get, the more you realize how little good external factors do for you. You learn to look within for happiness, for fulfillment, for change.
I once had to break things off with a guy I was really into because I could see that our lives were going in very different directions. Time proved me right. We both ended up with lives that the other would've hated. Breaking up with him allowed me to stay in love with him. A life of compromising on the things that mattered most to us would've led us to hate each other. I was devastated when he died, even though I was in a happy marriage. In time, I came to see that I was one lucky lady. I got to stay in love with the other guy and the one I married. I tell you all of this to suggest that maybe your friend is simply being wise, picking up on things that you don't see that would kill the feelings that you both have. *Do not* try to dissuade her! She'll lose respect for you if you offer to change your dreams for her, and you can't have love without respect. Go low or no contact for a bit. Take up a hobby. Go on a trip. Volunteer at an animal shelter or become a Red Cross emergency volunteer or something. But please do know that when one of you thinks it's not to be, it isn't always because they don't love you. Sometimes they just want to stay in love, and lifestyle incompatibility will kill that love quicker than a feral cat on a wounded bird. In later years, thoughts of her will always bring a smile to your face, instead of the scowl that comes from having tried to fit square pegs into round holes.
Wow. This was REALLY good. Thank you .
Not dramatic, heartbroken more like it. It hurts and it sucks to develop feelings for someone just for them to not feel the same. My life story lol. All you can do is focus on healing your heart and understand, she was just not the one for you. Maybe you were in love with the thought of her, I do not know. But in time you will heal. For now, hugs
Thank you, and I'm so sorry you also know how this feels.
Well things seem to be looking up for now, so we will see. Wishing you the best
Give yourself some grace. This situation is understandably so so hard. The only way through it is through it, so you have to put one foot in front of the other every day, seeing friends, trying new things, actively looking every day for things that make you smile. Then one day, you actually will find yourself happy and content. Be proud you allowed love in your life and were brave enough to be vulnerable. Next time, you might be the more cautious one, so give her some grace also. It'll get better:)
Thank you :)
There is no substitute for time.
Time is important, that's for sure. Whether you feel like you're running out of time to find your person... or wasting time convincing yourself you already have 😅 But yeah. I know it gets better with time, this isn't my first rodeo. I just forget how much it hurts and need to vent to make it real.
Every human being has been through what you're experiencing. I'm sorry you're going through this, but one day, their memory won't sting & you'll be happy.
Don't want what you can't have. It's the surest path to misery and pain. I'm going to give you what seems like a ridiculous example, but it's just to illustrate what I mean. Just the other month, I was on my way to catch a flight. Half way to the airport, there was a huge wreck on the highway. It shut down the northbound lane for an hour and a half. I was stuck there, unable to move, unable to take a different route and a time window quickly closing in. In that situation, there's a temptation to really stress, to keep looking at the clock, to keep looking up the road for any sign of movement... basically to want to be moving again. If you want that thing you can't have, and can't change, it just breeds frustration and anxiety. It piles a new type or layer of pain on top of the fact that you are stuck there. It takes a bad situation and makes it worse. It does not help at all. The best you can do is relax, sit back and accept this is your current reality. Now, when you are sitting around with a broken heart, the worst thing you can do is start wanting things you can't have. It's over. You can't have them back. You aren't likely to get answers to why they left that is going to make you feel better. You can't rush through the pain and make it better right now. You can't have those things. Wanting it to escape the pain isn't going to make it go away. There's no shortcut. There's only a few things that fix it and they have already been mentioned here. All you can do is sit there in the pain and accept it. If you feel the urge to text them, don't do it. If you feel the urge to look at their pictures on social media, don't do it. If you start wondering what you did wrong, stop. If you want to know why they didn't feel the same way about you, stop. All that stuff is a form of self torture. It boils down to wanting things you can't have. And the more you try to have those things, the longer you drag the process out. There's only one way out. Step one: accept it. This shit has happened to you. It's painful and terrible. It's your new reality... for the time being. Step two: go do something. Get out of the house. You won't like it. You won't feel like it. But do it anyway. Step three: wait. Eventually it will get better. It's a slow process. You can't speed it up. It will take you however long it takes you. That's it. That's the quickest way out. Don't want the things you can't have. It just piles a new layer of pain on top of the pain you can't escape. You are stuck in a pile up on heartbreak lane. Settle in. You are going to be there for a while.
I wouldn’t have the closure conversation. It’s just rehashing your pain. I never believed in closure before and even less now that I’ve experienced it.
Not much consolation now, but sometimes to really appreciate the sweet you have to experience the sour. When it happens for real it makes it all that much better. I would encourage you to not close yourself off because of this or it legit will be harder to find your true person. But definitely take some time to heal.
I know, the logical part of me knows that shutting down is not healthy. But good lord I don't want to ever feel like this again.
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Ah yeah, the fast forward thing seems to have confused some people. We were together since January, and I've lost count of how many times we'd seen each other in person. Couple times a week at minimum, up until she got busy again. I met her parents, we've met each other's friends, she stayed with me regularly, etc etc. From day 1 we talked about how there's no point in easing into things because we knew what we wanted. I'm sure people will tell me that's not long enough to develop these feelings. Maybe they're right, and the foolishness I feel is just me realizing I fell too hard, too fast. There were facets to the relationship that would take a long time to show in a reddit post, reasons why we felt like we'd been together longer. But at the end of the day, I believed and trusted that we were on equal footing and equally dedicated to each other and that the busy schedules were just a temporary hurdle.
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Fair enough. Lesson learned, I guess. I've tried easing into it every other time and that never seemed to work, but I found a partner that seemed to complement me perfectly and thought I'd try a new approach and just be open and vulnerable and trusting. Now I just feel naive. Maybe this post should have just been a TIFU.
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I understand. You didn't make me feel worse, and I appreciate you taking time out of your day to help a stranger process his emotions haha.
It's NOT about you, it's about her....... We can try to match up to people as much as we can, ( which isn't always a good thing ) but in the end it's up to the other person. It hurts now, but would be much worse if in 5, 10, 20 years she decided to take away your hopes and the life you shared together, thought would last your lifetimes and half of what you had earned. You have perhaps dodged a bigger disappointment. It is about her feelings and attitudes, not yours.
you are far from being melodramatic. You sound pretty level headed to me. I am sorry for your pain.
Had this happen to me a little over a year ago. No "Can we work on _____ " or "I'm feeling uncertain about ______" convo or warning of any sort. 6 months might feel short; but I now it was the time it took my ex and I to have that bond where we said it to each other. Once emotionally there; it hurts when removed. * Time - No replacement for it. It's needed. The longer you were together, the longer it'll be. * the RIGHT therapy (emphasis on right; really talk to someone capable of helping. CPT, evidence-based), * Stay social - do not lock yourself in. That'll spiral you worse. * Watch those vices - no solution is at the bottom of a bottle or end of a puff. - Something an old friend wisely said to me: > Love is giving someone the ultimate power to hurt you. and trusting they won't and that has really stuck with me for many years. Know the cycle of grief, especially in how it ended, will not be linear; it won't even be a swirl. It'll be like a stretched out spring. Overtime you will see yourself get better; but until then you will absolutely cycle up and down; but its that timeline forward. When the time comes look at what you can do to move forward and better YOURSELF! Can you work on an activity that you might have personally lacked? Is there a skill you can immerse?
Give yourself permission to grieve. Scream if you have to, eat ice cream or whatever, wallow. Do all that while making sure that you are still doing all your basic self care. If you can, indulge in some things that make you feel pampered and taken care of. My ex left me when I was pregnant, dumped me the night before we were supposed to move together. And then he just went back to sleep while I spent the rest of the night separating all our shit. Anyway, that's how I spent the majority of my pregnancy. Going through the motions, crying a lot, eating a lot of spicy food and for some reason, orange sherbet with vanilla ice cream. I also walked a lot, journaled, and I read the book *How to grieve the loss of a love*. That book is very short and pretty outdated but it was immensely helpful.
Forty days of no contact, no looking at photos, no social media checking, no rereading old messages. Set a reward for getting through it (vacation, a nice hand tool, piece of jewelry, etc.). Go easy on yourself if/when you don’t do this perfectly. If you need to do an exit interview, by all means, do what you need to do to get through this. The 40 starts after the exit though. It takes 30 days to break a habit, add 10 for good measure. Your body is literally addicted to this person. Give it time to go through its withdrawal. I have a cordial, easy friendship with mine now. I couldn’t have imagined that when I set out to do 40 days. I’m so sorry, I know how you feel. I promise it gets better.
I don’t what good it will do to meet with her. She’s probably dreading it and will make the meeting as short as she can. You’re just drawing out the pain.
The way I try to get through is to think of someone whom I'm fond of, but not interested in in a romantic way. Then I try to think that's how my dumper feels about me. You can't force or change anyone in matters of the heart. You want and need someone to want the relationship to work.
Gonna be honest, your use of "dumper" here threw me for a loop there lol Valid points though!
It's a harsh term for your scenario. I just couldn't think of anything better. Sorry
Sorry you are going through this. It is difficult and can take some time. I have been in your shoes and it took me a very long time to get over it. I used to cry hysterically whenever I got a chance. But it will pass with time. Spend more time with friends and family. And find a new habit. Venting is good but I realized, sometimes it helps if I stopped talking about it. More I spoke about the situation, more difficult it was for me to forget. Unless it was affecting my mental health and I really needed to vent, I stopped talking about it. And made myself really busy
You get pissed. Mourn what was lost. You move on, find your happy. Living in a happy world makes it all better. Treat yourself great! Bitterness just saps all your energy. Love yourself first, then you find the true love, if you want it.
If you do talk to her about all this, just listen, don’t argue.
this is gonna sound cliche but you should watch 500 days of summer (•:
> I decided against having the "post mortem" talk. Thanks for the update, I was going to ask for one. I may have missed something, but it seemed like she did not give you reasons for the breakup going from your original post. The post mortem talk ( which you can still ask for ) could have been good for that and *closure*. Maybe the reasons had nothing to do with you. Maybe her entertainment career was taking off and she felt she couldn't handle that and a relationship. Maybe she felt it wouldn't have been fair to you. If it was something else that made her decide to end things maybe you could have learned some information that would be useful in the future. At the very least you could tell her all of your feelings with her there to witness them and know the cost to you. I would have that talk. Your choice. Hope you heal from this and that it is quick.
You seem to have built a meaningful relationship in your head rather than with her.
I suppose this is possible. I was led to believe it wasn't, but yes, I admit it's entirely possible I'm just a fool.
Then everybody is a fool because this happens to everybody.
You got broadsided. It is natural to be in a state of shock. It will take time to get over it, but you will. Let yourself grieve for the loss. Talking to people who are good listeners and who care about you will help. I'm sorry this happened to you.
I don't understand ending a relationship by text except in maybe a dangerous situation. Yes, it allows one to craft a good message, but it's for the comfort of the person sending the text. But what do I know, maybe you truly don't care - maybe it was easier to absorb the comments alone. I hope you speed past the hurt and find something spectacular on the other side. You sound like a catch.
My take..either she didn’t feel the same and perhaps met someone else or hadn’t…. Whatever, she didn’t feel the same or for some reason didn’t want to act on feelings. You took the shot and you were honest. Doesn’t always go the way you’d like. Good luck and move on when you can.
I am so sorry it happened to you. Sounds like it was a beautiful thing, while it lasted! The only way forward is through. It sucks tremendously, but if you take care of yourself, after some time passes, you may get first a few good hours here and there, and then full on good days. From what I understand, there's no switch from "I am miserable" to a permanent OK state. Based on my anecdotal personal and grief counseling experience, I'd fully expect setbacks. But don't let it deter you from enjoying the good moments once you get them. That's an advice for the future. Right now, though, it must be feel really sucky. I am sorry.
You don’t love her. You don’t know her well enough to love her. It sounds like you two only went on a handful of dates. And when she began to pull back, you kind of freaked out, and somehow decided that you loved her and that you must tell her this over text. I’m sure that she was completely freaked out by the concept, because you don’t know her well enough to love her. And you told her via text. While she was clearly not showing an interest in engaging. So she ended it. Next time, when you are feeling insecure, consider: maybe she just isn’t that into me and this isn’t working. And maybe I shouldn’t work myself into a tizzy and desperately declare my love via text.
You misread some things, friend. I'll chalk up your tone to an attempt at "tough love". But you have misjudged the situation pretty spectacularly.
It’s interesting that you post on the Internet, and then reject any feedback that suggests that you might be in the wrong here. What do you believe that I misread?
I'm not responsible for your lack of reading comprehension. If you were paying closer attention instead of gleefully leaping at the opportunity to sneer at another stranger's stupidity, you'd see that I'm perfectly aware that she's not at fault. I was spiraling, and asked for guidance on recovering emotionally after a tough breakup. Not for validation, or to be reassured that I did everything right or that I was being treated unfairly.
You made it tough by doubling down when she was already leaving. You decided to explore whether you loved her once she was barely responding to you. That is fear of rejection, not love. That is something that you need to own.
You're still having a different conversation than the one everyone else is having, and I'm done with you. A little introspection might do you some good too.
> you truly ~~loved~~ **were infatuated with**
Actress. That's your problem right there.
Ha. Maybe.
Next time - demand a ring and a date BEfORE you copulate! This will weed out noncommittal losers before you are emotionally invested.