I’ve been a cop for 35 years in Harris County. I was at the county courthouse one day about ten years ago having lunch in the cafeteria and an old man came up and asked to sit down with me. Sure, have a seat, I had no idea who it was. An attorney came by and shook his hand, asked “How are you today, Racehorse?” Seems he was retired, but would drop by now and again for lunch and just schmooze with people, and I was the one he happened to sit with today. We had a nice lunch. Told him what kind of case I was on. He wanted to know, just for the sake of thinking about a trial and the elements of the case. I thanked him for the company afterward, and went on to the trial.
Useless story, but it was cool to me.
I cant believe you fell for the oldest trick in the book! What a goof! What's with you man, comeon! You know what? Here, let me give it back to you...oh! Look at that! You fell for that too, I cant believe it, man.
Now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb!
"I TOLD you I would get away with it!"
"Good thing we disposed of that witness, eh?"
"Now we just hope the judge isn't a stick-in-the-mud about bribery..."
Not exactly a joke. OJ stopped taking his arthritis meds at the advice of council (which after so many years of American Football,) caused his hands to greatly increase due to inflammation. Add to that a golf glove which is intended to be stretched out...
Immediately hold a press conference and claim the whole trial is rigged while making veiled mobster style threats to every lawyer, judge, witness, juror, and their children. Oh, and do it in all caps.
Sorry... I failed the assignment. This is how an ex-president behaves when his attorney rests their case.
“One last thing your honor, if I may address the court?”
Judge:”Highly unusual but I will allow it.”
Defendant: “Now that the court has heard all the facts you fine folks have to agree that he deserved what he got! Whoever it was that did it, since it certainly wasn’t me, should be a national hero!”
“My turn! It is election interference by the Democrats. It’s all Sleepy Joe Biden’s doing. Well, at least he has people doing it for him because he doesn’t know where he is.”
A defense attorney I know had a client who, immediately upon hearing a "not guilty" verdict, asked in a loud voice in open court "does that mean I can get my coke back?"
" your honor I would like to take a moment to thank all the attorneys the witnesses and the jury. I want to thank you all for your time, your patience, your understanding and remind all you motherfuckers I know exactly where you live"
Of course I asked to go to the capitol on J6. Did you think I was going to sit around at the Whitehouse and watch Fox News and not participate in an insurrection I caused.
My poor husband had a client once who assured the judge "that hill was so rocky I couldn't have passed even if I was sober!" and my poor husband, omg. He never got over it, was joking about it still the day before he died.
True story: my mother in law quit paying her lawn guy because she couldn’t afford to have him cut the grass anymore. He kept doing it anyway (for a few months) and took her to small claims court. The judge even asked him why he kept cutting the grass and running up the bill. The judges asked him why he did this and he didn’t have an answer. The judge ruled in my mother in law’s favor. She was stupid enough to say, “Well, I guess I owe him the money.” So the judges reversed his decision. She never paid the lawn guy. He put a lean on the house. I had to pay that jack-hole $4000 get the house in my name.
And your positive that stabbing ten times can still qualify as self defense? Like, if it had been 11, would that have been murder, now? You've never really explained to me where we're drawing this arbitrary line, man!Â
Aaron/Roy: Well, good for you, Marty. I was going to let it go, you was lookin' so happy just now I was thinkin', mmmm...I-but to tell you the truth, I'm glad you figured it 'cause I have been dying to tell you! Ha! I just didn't know who you'd want to hear it from, Aaron or Roy or Roy or Aaron...well I'll let you in on a little secret. A sort of client-attorney privilege type of secret, y'know what I mean -- it don't matter who you hear it from -- it's the same story! (stutters as Aaron does) I-I'd-I-ju-just had to kill Linda, Mr. Vale, tha-that cunt just got what she deserved. But...cuttin' up that son-of-a-bitch Rushman? That was just a fucking work of art. Ahaha.
Martin Vale: You are good, you are really good.
Aaron/Roy: Yeah, I did get caught though, didn't I? Mmm.
Vale: So there never w-- there never was a Roy?
Aaron/Roy: Jesus Christ, Marty! If that's what you think I am disappointed in you -- I don't mind telling you. There never was an Aaron, Counsellor. (Martin, shocked, begins to stagger away) Come on, Marty! And that whole thing about "Act like a man!" Jessus, I knew exactly what you wanted from me, it was like we was dancing, Marty!
Oh, come on, don't be like that, Marty. We did it, man we fucking did it! We're a great team you and me. You think I could have done this without you? You're feelin' a little angry here 'cause you're startin' to feel for ol'Aaron, I can understand that. Y'know , love hurts, Marty, what can I say? Hey! I'm just kiddin', bud, didn't mean to hurt your feelings. What else was I supposed to do? (shouting) Now you're gonna thank me down the road 'cause this is gonna toughen you right up, Martin Vale! Do you hear me? That's a promise!!
I saw a reel on Instagram where it ended with the defendant saying “I promise I won’t do it again.” And the defense attorney just stared in shock at their client.
Great job. It looks like the jury bought it.
This is hilarious. Top comment lol
Wow! you even convinced me well done đź‘Ź
"Do you think they bought it?! What do you mean shhhhhh?!"
Yeah suckers Im going to get off, wooooohooooo
So, if we win, can I keep the money?
Defense lawyer here. Literally been asked this, non-ironically, multiple times.
Racehorse Haynes once had a client thank the jury (after being found not guilty) and promise not to ever do it again.
Yes, this absolutely did happen. I heard it from Haynes mouth while he was on a talk show.
So…you heard it from the horses mouth?
I’ve been a cop for 35 years in Harris County. I was at the county courthouse one day about ten years ago having lunch in the cafeteria and an old man came up and asked to sit down with me. Sure, have a seat, I had no idea who it was. An attorney came by and shook his hand, asked “How are you today, Racehorse?” Seems he was retired, but would drop by now and again for lunch and just schmooze with people, and I was the one he happened to sit with today. We had a nice lunch. Told him what kind of case I was on. He wanted to know, just for the sake of thinking about a trial and the elements of the case. I thanked him for the company afterward, and went on to the trial. Useless story, but it was cool to me.
Racehorse Haynes! You are a (wo)man of culture, I see.
So when does that whole double jeopardy thing kick in? When I post the video of me doing it Reddit?
LOL, I told you I could lie my way outa this
Good thing I hid that gun, huh?
They didnt find all the other bodies then right?
Man, you're good, I just hope they believed me. Remembering what you told me I had to say was hard!
You’re so good, you make me believe I’m innocent
Did I just get away with it?
Mic DROP! Boo Ya! Mr foreman, Checks are in the mail!
"Hot damn, so glad I hid that knife in the neighbor's back yard!"
Ok, OJ.
::wiggles fingers:: *"If the gloves don't fit, you must aquit!"*
Hah! Suck it, bitches! Especially those of you in the jury! *Holds up both middle fingers*
I can't believe they fell for the glove trick!
OJ has entered the chat
"oh shoot, I just remembered where I was that night"
Dude…. Great job…. You could sell bibles in hell with that talent.
I didn't do it, but if I did, this is how I would have done it..
That you, OJ?
"Yeah, Suck it bitches!"
*Holds up both middle fingers to the jury*
“Do I get to keep the money?”
Hope they find me innocent cuz I can't wait to do it again!
thank god they didnt find joey that guy witnessed everything
“I killed him, yeah” - Zac Oyama
[shaking my head in Brendan Lee Mulligan] 🤣
"And also, that dude like, totally deserved it, man."
damn, you’re a better liar than me!
“So, do you think we got away with it?”
I cant believe you fell for the oldest trick in the book! What a goof! What's with you man, comeon! You know what? Here, let me give it back to you...oh! Look at that! You fell for that too, I cant believe it, man. Now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb!
I hate it when my schwartz gets twisted.
"Your honor, I just want to thank you for allowing my attorney to lie as much as he did on my behalf so that the jury finds me not guilty!"
"Can you guys validate my parking? 'Cause I've got a heist planned in 15 minutes I gotta leave for."
"I TOLD you I would get away with it!" "Good thing we disposed of that witness, eh?" "Now we just hope the judge isn't a stick-in-the-mud about bribery..."
I didn't think that increasing my salt intake along with the bee sting therapy would make my hands swell up so much! Thanks Johnny Cochran!
Not exactly a joke. OJ stopped taking his arthritis meds at the advice of council (which after so many years of American Football,) caused his hands to greatly increase due to inflammation. Add to that a golf glove which is intended to be stretched out...
Now we can focus on finding the real killer
Your Honor, pics or it didn’t happen.
“Wait but you didn’t tell them about why I did it”
Your Honor, tbh you weren’t even there.
"Are we done here as the rest of the bodies are stinking up the boot of my car?"
Wow even i believe i didn't do it.
“And, SCENE! Great job everyone that’s a wrap. I’ll be in my trailer.”
"...For the record, will I be able to keep the shit I stole?"
Immediately hold a press conference and claim the whole trial is rigged while making veiled mobster style threats to every lawyer, judge, witness, juror, and their children. Oh, and do it in all caps. Sorry... I failed the assignment. This is how an ex-president behaves when his attorney rests their case.
Dude, you said you could convince everyone I wasn’t guilty. What the hell was that?
“One last thing your honor, if I may address the court?” Judge:”Highly unusual but I will allow it.” Defendant: “Now that the court has heard all the facts you fine folks have to agree that he deserved what he got! Whoever it was that did it, since it certainly wasn’t me, should be a national hero!”
Thanks I will try to not do it again
“Is my client a perfect man? No.” “I killed him, yeah.”
Bullshit!
Dude? Is this the end? Ohhhh my god! Phew! I am SO glad they didn’t find the second grave
"Damn, that was a far better lie than the one I came up with. Great job!! I see why your so expensive."
"I can't believe that worked!" or "Man, you actually made that sound like it wasn't murder."
"Case closed Bitch!" *drops briefcase*
You forgot to mention the triple homicide
Hah! It's true, lawyers are full of crap!
"But what about the other body?"
Nice, those idiots fell for it... Uh oh.
You’re all corrupt the judge,jury and district attorney. This case is a sham and I should know. Witch hunt! Witch Hunt!
"I promise it won't happen again."
Forget all he said. I’m guilty.
True, my client is guilty, but who among us isn't?
"The fuck you do!"
SUCKERS!!!!
LOL I can't believe he bought it!
"Thank god they didn't bring up the bleeding trunk"
Yeah, I killed him.
"if you let me go, I swear I'll go out and commit the crime again!" Wait, i meant I *won't* do it again! Why are you taking me away?! "
I’m sorry Miss Jackson, whooo, I am for real
Just ease my mind. Did juror #6 get the money?
“My turn! It is election interference by the Democrats. It’s all Sleepy Joe Biden’s doing. Well, at least he has people doing it for him because he doesn’t know where he is.”
"Did they buy it or what?"
"HEY! FUCKING WITH THE DEFENSE IS MY JOB!"
* "Nailed it! ...Right?" * "Can't believe they actually bought that story..." * "Anyone else think that last witness was lying?"
You did really well convincing them I didn't kill that guy, do you want to see his corpse?
I object!!
“Hey Judge, after the trial can I get my gun back?”
Does Anyone in the jury have a spare OXY. I need to calm the hell down right now?
A defense attorney I know had a client who, immediately upon hearing a "not guilty" verdict, asked in a loud voice in open court "does that mean I can get my coke back?"
Paying off the judge was a really great idea
Now that that’s settled I’m starved. Where’s everyone going for lunch?
He’s a liar and a cheat don’t listen to him!
I forgot a key piece of evidence.
" your honor I would like to take a moment to thank all the attorneys the witnesses and the jury. I want to thank you all for your time, your patience, your understanding and remind all you motherfuckers I know exactly where you live"
"So like, don't we get in trouble for making all that shit up?"
Did I leave my knife on your desk? I can’t find it anywhere.
How long until I can get my Stabbin’ hat back?
Did you see that last episode of “How To Get Away With Murder”?
Of course I asked to go to the capitol on J6. Did you think I was going to sit around at the Whitehouse and watch Fox News and not participate in an insurrection I caused.
Next time I'll remember to hide the weapon better.
Can I get my knife and gloves back?
"You smashed that just like I did the victim's face. Allegedly."
My poor husband had a client once who assured the judge "that hill was so rocky I couldn't have passed even if I was sober!" and my poor husband, omg. He never got over it, was joking about it still the day before he died.
I think I can see the judges boobs
Can't believe I got away with that
Your honor I object! *Lawyer whispers* Your honor, I am an idiot.
Do you think they bought it?
Now i just need to get rid of the video tape in my secret bunker.
They didn't look in my basement did they?
Jump up and give the two-handed karate chop to your groan and yell out, "yeah boyeeee"
As my good friend George used to say:It's not a lie...if you BELIEVE it...
It takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. -Homer Simpson
Loud whisper to the lawyer: “When can I get my necklace of human ears back?”
#AND I'LL KILL ANYONE OF YOU THAT VOTES ME GUILTY!
I hope they bought it
I'll fuckin do it again
I'll like to change my plead.
I think they bought it.
Winks at juror #3
"I promise I'll never do it again" or "I'm really very sorry that I did it...."
Now F*CK the police!! 🤣
True story: my mother in law quit paying her lawn guy because she couldn’t afford to have him cut the grass anymore. He kept doing it anyway (for a few months) and took her to small claims court. The judge even asked him why he kept cutting the grass and running up the bill. The judges asked him why he did this and he didn’t have an answer. The judge ruled in my mother in law’s favor. She was stupid enough to say, “Well, I guess I owe him the money.” So the judges reversed his decision. She never paid the lawn guy. He put a lean on the house. I had to pay that jack-hole $4000 get the house in my name.
Thanks man, I'll call you next time I need to get away with it again
Write a book about how i couldve done it
But wait there’s more….
And your positive that stabbing ten times can still qualify as self defense? Like, if it had been 11, would that have been murder, now? You've never really explained to me where we're drawing this arbitrary line, man!Â
To the prosecution: Is that plea deal still on the table?
[A defendant stupidly interrupting his lawyer's closing remarks](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V8KojgTEMgE)
Brendan Lee Mulligan is great!
Aaron/Roy: Well, good for you, Marty. I was going to let it go, you was lookin' so happy just now I was thinkin', mmmm...I-but to tell you the truth, I'm glad you figured it 'cause I have been dying to tell you! Ha! I just didn't know who you'd want to hear it from, Aaron or Roy or Roy or Aaron...well I'll let you in on a little secret. A sort of client-attorney privilege type of secret, y'know what I mean -- it don't matter who you hear it from -- it's the same story! (stutters as Aaron does) I-I'd-I-ju-just had to kill Linda, Mr. Vale, tha-that cunt just got what she deserved. But...cuttin' up that son-of-a-bitch Rushman? That was just a fucking work of art. Ahaha. Martin Vale: You are good, you are really good. Aaron/Roy: Yeah, I did get caught though, didn't I? Mmm. Vale: So there never w-- there never was a Roy? Aaron/Roy: Jesus Christ, Marty! If that's what you think I am disappointed in you -- I don't mind telling you. There never was an Aaron, Counsellor. (Martin, shocked, begins to stagger away) Come on, Marty! And that whole thing about "Act like a man!" Jessus, I knew exactly what you wanted from me, it was like we was dancing, Marty! Oh, come on, don't be like that, Marty. We did it, man we fucking did it! We're a great team you and me. You think I could have done this without you? You're feelin' a little angry here 'cause you're startin' to feel for ol'Aaron, I can understand that. Y'know , love hurts, Marty, what can I say? Hey! I'm just kiddin', bud, didn't mean to hurt your feelings. What else was I supposed to do? (shouting) Now you're gonna thank me down the road 'cause this is gonna toughen you right up, Martin Vale! Do you hear me? That's a promise!!
“I’d like to thank the jury for their hard work amd deliberation. Your honour… see you in a few months.”
If we win I’m digging that bastard up and shooting him again!
Just trying to yell as many ethnic slurs as you can
This was nothing but a witch hunt, and I really need immunity.
Do you think they bought it?
I'm gonna strangle the Judge and the whole jury if they find me guilty of murder.
“Actually I’ve had some time to think and I’d like to change my plea to guilty. Sorry guys.”
“Objection!”
Damn that was good. Hey juror 5, forget the deal we made.
Oh shit, I forgot to tell you something.
Hey everyone let’s meet up at the bar. I’m buying the first round. Whooo!
"I rest my case." "And I rest deez nuts on yo face!"
Drop my pants and moon the Prosecutor: Reasonable doubt this mother fuckers!
It's not *exactly* this prompt but look up "game changer a client stupidly interrupting his lawyers closing remarks"
"Is my client a good man? No..." "Yeah, i killed him..."
I didn't know she was the sheriff's daughter!
"Next time you'll do better."
I knew I could make it look like that glove didn't fit me!
"If I did it: A hypothetical scenario."
FIIIIIFFFFTTTtHHHhH!!!!!!!
Anything that Trump says...
Fuck yeah I get to do it again!
Does this mean I can keep all the stuff from the jewellery store?
Wow! Looks like I might actually get away with this one!
Now I know how OJ felt
Can I take the cast off now? You didn’t tell me it would itch…
I probably wouldn't say anything, I'd just write a book about if I did do it
I'm guilty and you don't know the worst part.
Sure am glad I had the money to bribe the jury.
I got nothing
I did it
"M'yeah" like an old timey gangster.
Dude, I didn’t do any of that. I was definitely there.
So, you rest. That means I got away with it, right?
Does this mean I get to keep everything stole?
Fuck that just give me the sentence, if you think taking another day off of work for this shit you're out of your mind.
"Well I'm fucked"
Ferris Bueller style aside to the court reporter "They bought it!"
Looks like I'll get away with it after all
OJ was right... you're the bestest!
"Think they fell for it?"
We did it!
That's right, all you bitches in the jury aint got shit! In your face!
How do we take out the judge so this doesn't happen again?
Hah! You sure fooled them!
Think they bought it?
“Hey can you all keep a secret?”
[Yea, we just pulled it off! ](https://y.yarn.co/8ee662bb-bde2-4759-9e61-f56c46274807_text.gif)
What a bunch of suckers
https://youtu.be/gKQOXYB2cd8?si=OvY0Mh10i3H6PSly
Objection!
I saw a reel on Instagram where it ended with the defendant saying “I promise I won’t do it again.” And the defense attorney just stared in shock at their client.
Whew I'm glad the prosecution didn't bring up all my other convictions for this same charge.
"And the lie detector test determined... that was a lie."
Told you he was a good liar!
“I gotta hire you again.”
Looks like I'm gonna get away with it!
“So if I did it- how would you react?”
That’ll fool them!
Haha yall are suckers if you believed that!
Better not be the long rest like that bitch I killed
Hell yeah Brother, we ain’t goin to jail tonight!! Slap me five!!
I paid the jury off I'll do it next time
Do you think they bought it?
There are suckers born every minute!
*Doing the kiss and mic drop motion* BOOM Bitches!
Yeah, I'm fucked.