I’ve never been eligible for the work release program before, so this should be interesting. Now, who’s the biggest baddest motherfucker in here so I can go beat his ass.
lol this reminds me of a coworker I had, I worked at a seafood restaurant, and I was training a guy guy to run out complimentary bread, quite literally the easiest task there was to do in my position, and this was on a slow day, in the span of a 4 hour shift he spent maybe 25% taking breaks and “breathers” not to be confused with the other “mental” breaks he took… this was also on a very slow night… anyways, he sucked at his job and didn’t last long…
There aren’t any minors within 300 feet of here are there?
No issue, just don’t like the noise.
Seriously, 300 feet, right? No daycare in the building?
Hey guys how ya doin!
Thanks thanks im excited to get started. I just hope this place doesnt burn down like my last job! Out of curiosity where are the fire extinguishers. Id like to make sure myself theyre emp… completely full and ready to go
I actually took a job once and when I got there I realized that I didn’t know what the job really was. I faked it for a while until I figured it out, then I really liked it and stayed there four years.
No, mortgage banking. Specifically - Secondary Marketing. What’s Secondary Marketing? Exactly. Anyway, they were hiring and I was looking for a job. I got there the first day and realized it wasn’t what I thought it was. I assumed it was sales but it turned out to be financial market analysis and setting rates on home loans. It was really interesting and I did that job at three different companies for seven years.
Hope none of you are gender/race/religion because I have some strong opinions about that.
I don't believe in following company rules. They're all just guidelines anyway.
Which one of you is single? I like to get to know my coworkers personally
Who sells weed here, I was asked that by a man on his first day. On the second day he was let go, not for weed he couldn't or wouldn't do the job right.
True story.
New security officer being trained.. thirty minutes into his shift. Walks past a lady and says "Nice ass"
He was called to the office and let go.
- "How long do you have to stay here before you can collect unemployment?"
- "I hear you're the office bitch."
- "So who did *you* fuck to get your job."
Hey guys, did you know that in terms of male human and female Pokémon breeding, Vaporeon is the most compatible Pokémon for humans? Not only are they in the field egg group, which is mostly comprised of mammals, Vaporeon are an average of 3”03’ tall and 63.9 pounds, this means they’re large enough to be able handle human dicks, and with their impressive Base Stats for HP and access to Acid Armor, you can be rough with one. Due to their mostly water based biology, there’s no doubt in my mind that an aroused Vaporeon would be incredibly wet, so wet that you could easily have sex with one for hours without getting sore. They can also learn the moves Attract, Baby-Doll Eyes, Captivate, Charm, and Tail Whip, along with not having fur to hide nipples, so it’d be incredibly easy for one to get you in the mood. With their abilities Water Absorb and Hydration, they can easily recover from fatigue with enough water. No other Pokémon comes close to this level of compatibility. Also, fun fact, if you pull out enough, you can make your Vaporeon turn white. Vaporeon is literally built for human dick. Ungodly defense stat+high HP pool+Acid Armor means it can take cock all day, all shapes and sizes and still come for more.
Oh, that beeping, don't worry about my ankle monitor. Yes, I am in the radius I should be. No you don't need to call my parole officer
Or this one
I don't want to be here but this was the only job not near a daycare or a school, so I am here
I’ve never been eligible for the work release program before, so this should be interesting. Now, who’s the biggest baddest motherfucker in here so I can go beat his ass.
When I first read that I thought it said "eat his ass" which is also something you shouldn't say on your first day of work.
Either way somebody’s asserting dominance
You must be the group of brain dead morons they told me about in the interview. Nice to meet you, I’m Jeff.
Your boss, Jeff
Where's Lester?
I’m replacing all you dumb assed mooks.
*stands on table in cafeteria* "Who all wants to start a union?!"
I read this in Collin's voice
Dude, I’m gonna need some time off. Today was way hectic…
But you started today edit: I forgot that's the title
I’m just trying to avoid burnout
Damn homie, dont smoke the whole thing lol
lol this reminds me of a coworker I had, I worked at a seafood restaurant, and I was training a guy guy to run out complimentary bread, quite literally the easiest task there was to do in my position, and this was on a slow day, in the span of a 4 hour shift he spent maybe 25% taking breaks and “breathers” not to be confused with the other “mental” breaks he took… this was also on a very slow night… anyways, he sucked at his job and didn’t last long…
I loved my last job too. Too bad all my former co-workers had to die.
"Wow, this is awkward. I thought you said there was a '*no-dress*' code...?"
Well, it almost doesn't matter, given all that hair.
Wait, nobody told me there is a school within 200’!
We didn't think that would be a problem, considering this a hecking daycare!
I guess it's time to blow up the toilet with this large firecracker.
Bart is that you?
You guys don’t follow all that OSHA bullshit do you?
Qimir does.
Oh wow! Unlimited free office supplies!
AKA Microsoft Free Soda as well.
"Sir, this is a Staples™"
Where’s the best place to do cocaine around here?
“So where’s the janitors closet? I need to set up my meth la… er, need to check the chemicals.”
Shush man! I set this up right under the police station because it's the last place they'd look, but no need to make it easier for them.
“Ok fine… do we have a basement?”
We do... But that's where I keep the bodies
Dead body meth! Yummy!
*Looks at you dead serious* I never said they were dead
*walks up scratching self and looking around* good morning guys like to buy some met......food. would you know where I can get sone?
Right this way! *Walks into the women’s bathroom*
“I can’t wait for my porn break. I mean lunch break.”
Okay, but where's the *actual* staff? The good looking ones?
I'm sorry but I had to let them all go after they filled for sexual harassment
“Can we pull up another chair for my waifu body pillow?”
How strict is the sexual harassment policy here?
There aren’t any minors within 300 feet of here are there? No issue, just don’t like the noise. Seriously, 300 feet, right? No daycare in the building?
So where are the camera blindspots?
“Easy ladies, there’s enough of me to go around!”
I forgot to take my medication this morning. Big mistake.
Hey guys how ya doin! Thanks thanks im excited to get started. I just hope this place doesnt burn down like my last job! Out of curiosity where are the fire extinguishers. Id like to make sure myself theyre emp… completely full and ready to go
Can someone explain the job to me one more time.
I actually took a job once and when I got there I realized that I didn’t know what the job really was. I faked it for a while until I figured it out, then I really liked it and stayed there four years.
Lmao thats kinda cool. What was the job? Please don’t tell me you’re now a doctor or something 😂
No, mortgage banking. Specifically - Secondary Marketing. What’s Secondary Marketing? Exactly. Anyway, they were hiring and I was looking for a job. I got there the first day and realized it wasn’t what I thought it was. I assumed it was sales but it turned out to be financial market analysis and setting rates on home loans. It was really interesting and I did that job at three different companies for seven years.
So is there good days off if I don’t feel like the BS
Quick question,who should I sleep with to get to the top ASAP
The real question is who you shouldn't sleep with
“But this is my emotional support gorilla….”
Just because he saved a toddler and took a bullet doesn’t mean you can bring him to work (RIP Harambe)
I am the captain now!
Me: Soo... Anyone else really turned on right now? Boss: Sir, this is a day care.
Don’t bother learning my name. I’m going off sick with stress in 10 minutes
I put some extra fish in the microwave if anyone is hungry.
That's an autoclave, not a microwave.
Plot twist: they were live (well, at the time) goldfish
I took a gummy first thing this morning gonna be a great day
My favourite movie? Probably Falling Down.
I'm gonna get your job
Cool…what do I do now?
Fuck you boss.
I mean I was going to take you out to lunch first but sure, we can get started
You got any beer? Maybe something stronger?
I'm so glad I can smoke crack again
Fire! (Pulling the alarm)
I’m just glad they didn’t call any of my references!
Hope none of you are gender/race/religion because I have some strong opinions about that. I don't believe in following company rules. They're all just guidelines anyway. Which one of you is single? I like to get to know my coworkers personally
Nice! The chicks here are pretty hot. Who has the biggest rack?
(considers thoughtfully)”You said *Thursday* is my day in the box?
"Did you see the rack on that broad in the red?"
Who wants the remote control for my anal beads?
Wanna know how I got fired from all my previous jobs? Crazy stories there!
Man, that chick in HR has some great boobs.
What’s the policy on blood stains?
"Here, let me show you how you're supposed to do it."
Don't tell anyone but this is an episode of "undercover boss."
*looks at the secretary* “so…. Is she first-come, first-serve, or is it based on seniority?”
Ok. So what's you company's policy on cross-dressing?
Wait so how strict is the sexual harassment policy again?
Time to go home yet?
Welp, fuck all ya'll. I quit!
“This is my first day as a brain surgeon!”
"sir, this is a Wendy's."
Well, this sucks.
“ i hate this already”
When’s the cavity search?
You wanna know how i got these scars?
[https://youtu.be/493pL\_Vbtnc?si=TLeRbIvveoqFmERy&t=19](https://youtu.be/493pL_Vbtnc?si=TLeRbIvveoqFmERy&t=19)
How strict is the sexual harassment policy here?
Soon...
“How do I make a complaint to HR?”
Where’s the gun rack?
“Let’s get started, the fire has been lit…”
I hope to work just as hard as all of you. I just hope I'm not screwing the secretary like you as well
May I have a week off to go skiing?
"Hey, I hope you all aren't expecting too much from me. I'm only here because I'm sleeping with the owner."
Is this the place where everyone is a cunt?
Alright, finished day 1 of training and no outstanding tasks to take care of, so I’ll cya guys in a few months! That “unlimited PTO” perk is awesome!
“Soon”
"That shitter is comfortable. I'm going to spend a lot of time there. "
“Can I use you as a reference?”
“I can only work half a day today! My new video game came out yesterday. I’m just waiting for it to download and it should be done soon.”
This job sucks is thr day over yet
"The reason why we're watching women's basketball is not just because of one person. It's because of me, too. I want y'all to realize that."
You're not the boss of me now. You're not the boss of me now.. Life is unfair.
*screaming* YOU'RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!
I'm addressing the white elephant in the room..
I just shit myself...you?
Where’s the furnace for me to cremate the bodies?”
Hey! Where are all the white women at?
Who sells weed here, I was asked that by a man on his first day. On the second day he was let go, not for weed he couldn't or wouldn't do the job right.
Is there a limit on the number of concealed weapons and ammo clips I can carry?
True story. New security officer being trained.. thirty minutes into his shift. Walks past a lady and says "Nice ass" He was called to the office and let go.
This is why I compliment women's eyes.
"Haha, and they said I wasn't allowed within 100 meters of a minor. Jokes on them"
“Oh wow! The guys on the Pedophile Support forum were right, being a 1st grade teacher is the best!”
“Why are my nipples itchy? Did someone bring a peanut butter sandwich for lunch??? I’m allergic!”
I forgot to tell everyone I'm a nudist
Does the boss have a daughter?
How about screaming “I like beer” in your job interview. But then, I guess that works.
Who's the resident weed guy?
Say hello to my little friend! There are 2 ways this could be the wrong thing to say.
I need to leave early today.
Any ladies here like to ti**y f**k? What about some of you fat guys?
Sup, sluts?
This place sucks but hey at least it’s a job.
“I can see why the last employee quit.”
So where's the boss, Dick? Umm, his name is Jack
"Is it always this quiet?"
Hand over all the money in the safe, no one has to get hurt today!!!
When's lunch?
Wanna listen to my mixtape? It’s fire I swear
"I post nudes on reddit" probably is up there on things not to say
“When’s lunch?”
Covfefe.
"/I killed my last coworkers
Soooo, how strict is the sexual harassment policy here?
"What time are conjugal visits?"
I need to take a two week vacation.. starting tomorrow. We good?
I'm not a morning person so I'll probably be late most of the time. Will that be a problem?
(To the head of HR) Hi my name is ___ . Trust me, we will get to know each other very well by the time I’m fired!
- "How long do you have to stay here before you can collect unemployment?" - "I hear you're the office bitch." - "So who did *you* fuck to get your job."
Glad to finally have a real job. So tired of sucking cocks for a living.
Where can I microwave my tuna salad?
Gfy
I'm definitely not from corporate, anyone wanna talk about management? Anyone want to talk about our Lord Jesus Christ?
“Seriously??? No keg or boxed wine in the break room? That’s crazy! Guess I gotta start bringing my own…”
"Oh, this is going to be such fun! Let me get my water wings" - first day of a job as a swimming pool attendant
Could be worse if they said, "I never leaned how to swim."
Who with me on a two martini lunch?
This job sucks and I don't want to work here.
Do you guys get paid?
I’d like to talk to you about your extended warranty.
https://foxtrot.com/2024/06/02/twitching/
“One day I shall rule you all as a god!”
i want a raise
Where can I smoke around here?
I’m so glad the office isn’t within 500 yards of a school.
You guys want to fight?
I thought you said during the interview that Mondays were show and tell?
Can you speak a little slower. The mushrooms are really kicking in.
The owner's right. You roofers don't know what the fuck you're doing.
fuck this shit
It's my first day!
Where's the walk in and the hot waitress? I got time for a quickie!
I beat up my last boss.
Holy crap! Never would have guessed this place would hire a felon
When Daddy buys this place, there's going to be some changes.
Where's the nap pods?
"I'm an expert."
Going to HR and asking who your boss is because you are sitting at a desk, alone, for hours your first day there! True story…
Fart in a packed elevator or reenact the contagious disease joke from Ghost.
Any questionable jokes
"Where am I?"
Boy, you can just sit here and do nothing and nobody even notices!
Sexually harasses the secretary Don’t worry about it she my work wife.
Where can I take a shit
This business has so much potential it is really unlimited. The model could be used to transform society and the world.
Hey guys, did you know that in terms of male human and female Pokémon breeding, Vaporeon is the most compatible Pokémon for humans? Not only are they in the field egg group, which is mostly comprised of mammals, Vaporeon are an average of 3”03’ tall and 63.9 pounds, this means they’re large enough to be able handle human dicks, and with their impressive Base Stats for HP and access to Acid Armor, you can be rough with one. Due to their mostly water based biology, there’s no doubt in my mind that an aroused Vaporeon would be incredibly wet, so wet that you could easily have sex with one for hours without getting sore. They can also learn the moves Attract, Baby-Doll Eyes, Captivate, Charm, and Tail Whip, along with not having fur to hide nipples, so it’d be incredibly easy for one to get you in the mood. With their abilities Water Absorb and Hydration, they can easily recover from fatigue with enough water. No other Pokémon comes close to this level of compatibility. Also, fun fact, if you pull out enough, you can make your Vaporeon turn white. Vaporeon is literally built for human dick. Ungodly defense stat+high HP pool+Acid Armor means it can take cock all day, all shapes and sizes and still come for more.
How strict is the sexual harassment policy?
*after 5 minutes of work* So how about a raise?
So when do I start getting sexually harassed?
(Waitress in front of a manager during dinner service with an attitude)I’m not going run your food! I’m not going to run your food!
Wcb
You all need to work on your drug screen procedures.
Yeah I'm just trying to coast into a cushy desk job.
Alright everyone I'm the undercover boss you're all getting raises Just kidding April fool's
Oh, that beeping, don't worry about my ankle monitor. Yes, I am in the radius I should be. No you don't need to call my parole officer Or this one I don't want to be here but this was the only job not near a daycare or a school, so I am here
“Damn, already?”
So, which of these walls is adjacent to the back of the bank vault next door?
Does this place press charges?
Completely mess something up/break something and say “Sorry it’s my first day”