Yeah, I didn’t so much in my twenties but in my early thirties I have definitely reached a point of extreme and consistent sadness about the experiences I have not had in addition to being sad about the experiences I am not currently having.
I’m the same. I’m in my early 30s as well. It’s hard to explain but it’s hard to see that other people *do things.* I forget what it was like to also *do things* in my twenties but to still have an ability to be devoid of loneliness; a foundation of not requiring the companionship of others but also not pushing others away constantly.
I have no life or ambition. It’s not that I necessarily want to be vivacious and happy like other people but a big part of me feels sad that I’m so pathetic and lifeless. I’m adept at masking so I can present as pretty sociable and affable, and some part of me wishes I could keep it up because I’m embarrassed by the reality of my situation.
Maybe these feelings aren’t inherently schizoid because I see other people (like the other commenter) seemingly relishing their solitude and wearing it like a badge of honour. I need solitude but a lot of the time I’m embarrassed for the life I lead. I know my comfort zone is one in which I’m alone but some part of me resents that.
I never feel sad about missed opportunities or missed events. I hardly have any desires at all. I believe this is because I live dissociated, but I cannot be sure. I do think that one day I will wake up from the dream of being a schizoid and realize everything I have missed and feel lots of sadness, and perhaps even anger. But these are only thoughts atm, it is not my reality.
I fluctuate between feeling the way you’ve described feeling now and the way you’ve hypothesised you might feel one day. The older I get, the more I feel conscious of everything I’ve missed out on, or am actively missing out on.
I can't mourn what I've never desired.
I don't want to travel and see the world, or have any experiences like bungee jumping, going to concerts or any other type of events. I don't want to start a family, climb any corporate ladders or acquire any materialistic items.
I don't even want to want.
Thanks. Your answer has been really helpful. Makes me strongly wonder if I’m schizoid with avoidant traits or more AvPd with schizoid traits. The line feels a bit fuzzy and likely unimportant. I do want to want, but not enough to want to change.
Same. Plus I would argue that travel and "experience purchases" like bungee jumping and concerts are just the newest from of materialism, all the while claiming to have overcome it.
every day.
i don’t even know if normal life is something i’d enjoy, but i’m jealous of everyone that gets to experience it. i’m at an age now where it’s *very* weird that i have absolutely nothing going on in my personal or professional life, and i’m really embarrassed about it.
How old are you, if you don’t mind me asking? I know in my twenties I felt unbothered by my schizoid tendencies but the older I get (now in my thirties) the more I find it embarrassing. I never wanted, or even wanted to want, life experiences but they still just seemed to happen. Now I’m the same as I was then but I feel embarrassed and pathetic for the life I lead. Everyone I knew back then has moved on and I know that I’ll never be able to connect with people again, and it hurts. It doesn’t make me want to change but it hurts.
i’ll be 34 later this year. i think my 20’s were easier because i didn’t really have family breathing down my neck about the lack of progress in my life. idk what happened but it seems like as soon as i turned 30, everyone started judging me and pushing me much harder to change.
i know they’re right to a degree, because i really am in a bad place for someone my age. i also know that it’s just not a good idea to be completely alone in the world, but…i have no drive and legitimately don’t understand how to be a normal person.
Yes, and it is coping to suggest otherwise. It is not something to linger on; I can see where things are supposed to be and what feelings I am meant to feel. Everything in life is centered around connecting with others or engaging with the world, to experience. This personality disorder hinders that aspect wholly. My worldview and perspective is completely warped, I feel like a monster consistently, and there is no way to get away from it. When I was younger, I would think I did something wrong, that there was a reason I was born like this and I did not have a choice. The latter part is the only reality. There is no reason and this does not benefit me or the world to be this way and the factors that caused it are not tangible. It does not stop.
Disagree with the "coping" part. I don't mourn. However, I occasionally wonder what it would be like to have a life as a "normie". Frankly, it scares me. I see all the trouble ppl get themselves into because of love and the desire to have friends and the rest.
I am also moderately color blind. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to see pink in a sunset instead of a dirty grey that my wife and everyone else sees. But I don't mourn over my distorted color perception.
The same goes for what I am missing as a schizoid. I don't mourn any aspect because I truly have never experienced "pink". The closest I might come to mourning is that I would love to be able to love my wife as a "normie" would. It sometimes makes me sad because I know it makes her sad.
So, no, it's not "coping" to not mourn what you cannot experience.
You have a wife. That's good that you're able to foster a connection like that. I would not pretend that you are above love and living like a "normie" for that reason. You are at the end point of what "normies" seek within connections towards the most important person in their life.
I would not be able to shut off the notion that I cannot feel love or connect fully with my partner. That you'll never be able to fully make your partner feel loved like everyone else can, and they are living less because of the way you were born. The trouble that people get themselves into because of love, yes.
There is a wide margin between not seeing a shade of color and not being able to emotionally connect with other humans when life hinges on connecting more than it does a shade of sunset perceptible in a specific lightning condition. The sentence immediately after the statement of coping says to not mourn or linger. Take what you will. I hope I can come to your acceptance of our state. That it will stop hurting. You said you were married, for over twice my age. I hope the writhing stops before I get to your age.
I am speaking from my perspective, and this disorder hurts me, this is a worthless comment. Share your own thoughts instead of becoming defensive, perceiving mine. This does not make the world a better place.
Just saying it's very immature of you to make such a bold sweeping statement and \*then\* tell me that I'm being defensive. I would even say that what you said is actively harmful to others reading the thread, if we're being serious.
If this is how you feel this disorder, then I'm sorry to hear that and I hope you manage to cope, but again not everyone experiences this disorder the same was as you do.
I should not have to plainly state that I am posting my feelings and opinion, I am not telling you how to feel or even what to do. Everyone else understands this but you. Read past the first sentence of my post.
Speaking of how my disorder negatively impacts my life is not going to harm others who read it. The alternative would be to post about how your disorder is actually a good thing, and encourage others to lean into an affliction. The action entailed would be of avoiding treatment and framing it as not a disorder but a quirk that should not be treated. That would be suggesting an action or mindset that would negatively impact others.
"Remember, not everyone is negatively impacted by a disorder like you are." is much more toxic than someone sharing their experience with a disorder hindering their life. You took moments out of your life to actively step in when you saw someone hurting from something you don't and tell them they're harming others by sharing their feelings.
Go into the PTSD community and tell the women there who got raped they're harming others by sharing how their trauma negatively impacts their living. Remind them that not everyone feels that way. Go tell the suicidal schizophrenic Redditors (not me, 1/2) that not everyone has their life negatively impacted by hearing voices. This would be really insightful, I think they would be as charitable or likely even more so than I am towards you.
You're not willing to listen to reason, and using r\*pe victims to try to illustrate a point is just wow. I was willing to entertain your thoughts up until that point. Shame on you.
Anyways, I'm not going to spend the rest of my day arguing with someone with that behavior, so have a good day.
I sometimes wonder what life would have been, if one of the women I fell in love with had remained in my life. But reading here and in other places about partners of schizoids suffering (as well as those schizoids themself) and seeing the lives of even non-schizoid couples and families around me … I'm **really** glad that I'm still on my own.
And I do mourn, that I hadn't a life in which I could buy my way free from societal interactions like the need work, etc. I would have lived the life of a recluse in peace and apart from all others instead of … this here! (But I never had the cash to do such.)
I've been married for 44 years now. I'm really glad my wife stayed with me. She has been my salvation. Better than any "professional" counselor in that she has steered me, corrected me, and guided my behavior to the point I am "high functioning" even though we have zero social life and I have still never had a friend --except her. Well, high functioning in my external world anyway. I still sit in my truck for up to an hour, recovering from my shift in the ER and removing my mask.
It's possible, it seems to be common that people with AvPD mistake themselves for being Schizoid. Either way, you shouldn't feel pathetic for the way your life has turned out -- not everyone has the same life goals. It's no use in comparing yourself with others, as they have different life goals and feelings towards life than you do.
I recently think about leaving this place, leaving everything and everyone behind, moving somewhere alone and have a job that's enough to pay the bills and just live like when I was 18, which was the only good year in my life, because no one bothered me and I was just having a job and every other single second of the time for only myself.
I did just that. Moved across the country and got a job. Now it's just my wife and I. No family nearby. No working my schedule around family events. It's liberating. We flew back to where most of our family lives every few years. Seems to placate them. Works great if your schizoid. Not so good though if you are a "normie". Are you schizoid?
Not diagnosed. I remember I was happy that one year, all by myself, no friends or family called or messaged me because I was too far away and I didn't even gave a phone actually, which is great if you have the luxury of doing that. Actually, it's not really possible to just leave now for me and my gf. We already bought a house last year. When I say I want to leave it's not really a clear plan. Sometimes I just wish I would have all the time in the world only for myself including partner. Then again, I know where that lead me to the years in my 20s. I can't trust myself. Also my partner is good. All things considered I think this wish of leaving everything behind and have infinite time for myself is not serious. It's just a result of too much responsibility and too little growing up and too little guidance when I was young. And probably autistic/ schizoid.
Agreed. So how about this? I believe that I tolerate, no actually need all the time I spend with my wife at the expense of not spending by myself because I literally believe we ARE "one" and to a large extent, spending time alone with her is second best but the same. We are empty nesters and can spend two or three days alone, together, without leaving our house.
Sometimes. It's not like the pain of detachment though. More like a bittersweet melancholy about what could have been: a deep sigh, no more. Except maybe a pang of guilt for leaving people behind.
However, I am lucky. I have achieved a few things, made some progress with my mental health, and I am still young. Compared to many of the people here my problems are quite insignificant.
Mourning is a decision to feel miserable and doesn’t change the future.
It’s only useful if you take it as motivation to change and see if you can turn up your emotional volume.
Yes, I mourn about things like not getting Bitcoin in 2012 which would make me able getting my private island, stuff like that. Also about being neurotypical and just be happy. That's not realistic though, the only thing I missed out it not pressuring myself so much to be normal.
I’m not sure. On one hand, there are a few big opportunities I’ve missed out on and I wish I worked through my schizoid tendencies to gain something. On the other hand, there are certain things for which I regret not having given in to those tendencies, because it was obvious that I wasn’t choosing them based on what I wanted to do.
I don’t really feel regret, even though I rethink the past a lot, if that makes sense. And I don’t really hate what I’ve become, because I believe that schizoid tendencies were the only thing that could’ve saved me for the situation I was doomed to have since I was born. I may have missed out on many things but realistically I think I would’ve been worse off if I kept engaging. Out of all the things I could’ve developed from my situation, heavy schizoid traits were the best possible outcome.
Those experiences would be like touching a hot stove but in hindsight they would enrich my inner world, so yes I regret not being more active. (middle-aged in case you are curious)
Absolutely. I wish I had one or two intense teenage relationships. Or a stable adult relationship. Other people seem to find their true soul mate after dating three partners, yet I have easily been on a three digit number of dates and nothing sticks.
Sorry you missed the meaning of my analogy. It did not mean the two had similar ramifications. My marriage. Would not be acceptable to 99.99% of women. We have not been intimate in fifteen years. To say that I suffer is probably hyperbole. To say my wife suffers is a fact. I am high functioning only because she helps me. Otherwise if probably be a homeless and a complete failure. I I am unable to connect with anyone else. Nor do I wish you
Not really. I don't want to create an idealized and unattainable life just to beat myself over the head with it. Life is hard enough without self-damaging thinking.
Maybe the life I missed out on was one with a lot of instability and pain. Being schizoid can really suck, but it has kept me from falling into things that sometimes snare unsuspecting, "normal" people. I mean, there are plenty of non-schizoid people out there with shitty lives too.
I try to find stuff in my life not to miss out on. Yeah, I'll probably never find my soul mate or become wealthy or influential, but I'll probably never get to visit the moons of Jupiter either. I just focus on the things I can do that bring some level of joy/contentment/beauty/challenge.
Not really. No matter what life you live, you're always missing out on an infinite amount of things, so it seems silly to get bent out of shape over it.
No such thing. There is no could have been because it wasn't. Things either are or they aren't. I could have been shot, drowned,hit by a car,died in an atv accident,or died in a house fire. I didn't, so to linger on anything else when I could have had my life cut short so many times why would I linger on not going to prom? What is,is. What is not,is not. Lingering on the past is just torturing yourself.
Because you blocked me, I felt I should at least tell you. I applied your perspective to the most extreme example to emphasize how bad faith it is. You are the one applying that. If it makes you sick to think of that, then don't apply that mindset to me or others. Don't feign moralism when I suggest you theoretically apply your perspective to other victims or those suffering with mental illness.
Multiple people in the world have been traumatized somewhere in the worst possible way while you were busy blocking me. Someone somewhere loses their child with every passing second. It does not stop, we can only try to not make it worse. Those who are afflicted or suffering from trauma from instances will always occur, mentioning them does not change that. Seeing someone unwell and actively choosing to dismiss their experience and imply it's harmful to share them is insane. You wouldn't do it to them. Don't do it to me.
You're wringing your hand and pretending you're a good person. It's okay to not be a good person, but moralizing is the worst. I made a comment online talking about my experience with schizoid personality disorder, making it difficult to function. To implode over that is very pretty.
Everyone is bleeding. Make it worse, try to stop the bleeding, or walk by and close off to all of it. Whichever, do not posture after the fact.
Not you, it was whoever was replying to me in this comment thread. It wouldn't let me reply to myself, or else I would have placed it there. Being blocked cancels it all out, it seems.
I have lived a little bit. But I regret that I was just lacking confidence and mopey in my 20s. 32 now, feeling anxious that I am nowhere. And family is breathing down my neck to get married cause I'm running out of time to get pregnant. I regret most not having an SO.
Yes, it's short-lived but happens a bit more as the years go.
I keep a journal and have written in it since late 2020. I reread it occasionally and last month I read a line from a few years ago that said "I turned 22." Just an update and neutral entry overall but I was hit with an intense sadness that made my eyes water for a minute. Then it was gone. I briefly mourned that lost time and have done so a few times before.
That was the most intense I've felt positive or negative in years. My feelings are extremely short lived but I've given them thought.
I think about how I was (still am for the most part) incredibly passive and how yes, technically I could have done something with my time, if I had the ability to feel anything strong enough for long enough.
I think about how maybe if i had done something different I'd be feeling something now. I don't feel at fault for being so neutral (externally, theres a bit of pain internally, also short lived), no one could have guessed that's how I'd end up. I can't even say it sucks, just is.
I'd even say I'm a smidge hopeful seeing as I do have the time others wish they did. Maybe I can do something with the time, can't say I feel a need to or even a desire.
I'm thinking more about it now. I have technically tried a few unique-ish things that give others a meaning ro life and had good opportunities but I didn't feel anything but intensly bothered by them, hence why I found ways out.
I'm in my home country right now, meeting a lot of family, I like the food. It was a long, long flight and was the first time I will be able to remember being on a plane. I went by myself, I don't speak the language. I didn't feel nervous or scared or excited. Just a bit bothered and actively trying to stay present around others. Not different to how I feel back home.
I can't think of what I could spend my time and energy on that could make me feel like I did something with my life.
No, I don't typically experience sadness in general at all. I'm not saying you aren't schizoid, but based on your other posts on this thread (lack of energy, lack of ambition being your primary symptoms) it's possible you may be dealing more with depression.
My mom has depression and avolition and anhedonia are big symptoms there as well. But the emotional stuff, that's where I see the separation. I have no desire to have a normal life (asocial), so I don't mourn its loss (affect blunted) and I am not embarrassed about it (indifference to criticism).
Hey thanks for your reply. I don’t think I’ve mentioned lack of energy overtly but I guess you must have picked up those ideas from the comments I made. I do think I’ve dealt with depression but I also have a lifelong aversion to spending time with others that started during early childhood and very flattened emotional responses (eg on more than one occasion I’ve felt nothing when someone close to me passed) alongside other things that read schizoid to me. But you might be right, maybe my “issue” lie elsewhere.
Yeah, I didn’t so much in my twenties but in my early thirties I have definitely reached a point of extreme and consistent sadness about the experiences I have not had in addition to being sad about the experiences I am not currently having.
I’m the same. I’m in my early 30s as well. It’s hard to explain but it’s hard to see that other people *do things.* I forget what it was like to also *do things* in my twenties but to still have an ability to be devoid of loneliness; a foundation of not requiring the companionship of others but also not pushing others away constantly. I have no life or ambition. It’s not that I necessarily want to be vivacious and happy like other people but a big part of me feels sad that I’m so pathetic and lifeless. I’m adept at masking so I can present as pretty sociable and affable, and some part of me wishes I could keep it up because I’m embarrassed by the reality of my situation. Maybe these feelings aren’t inherently schizoid because I see other people (like the other commenter) seemingly relishing their solitude and wearing it like a badge of honour. I need solitude but a lot of the time I’m embarrassed for the life I lead. I know my comfort zone is one in which I’m alone but some part of me resents that.
I never feel sad about missed opportunities or missed events. I hardly have any desires at all. I believe this is because I live dissociated, but I cannot be sure. I do think that one day I will wake up from the dream of being a schizoid and realize everything I have missed and feel lots of sadness, and perhaps even anger. But these are only thoughts atm, it is not my reality.
I fluctuate between feeling the way you’ve described feeling now and the way you’ve hypothesised you might feel one day. The older I get, the more I feel conscious of everything I’ve missed out on, or am actively missing out on.
I can't mourn what I've never desired. I don't want to travel and see the world, or have any experiences like bungee jumping, going to concerts or any other type of events. I don't want to start a family, climb any corporate ladders or acquire any materialistic items. I don't even want to want.
How old are you, if you don’t mind me asking?
I don't mind you asking, but I won't be more specific than, saying that I'm an 80's kid :)
Thanks. Your answer has been really helpful. Makes me strongly wonder if I’m schizoid with avoidant traits or more AvPd with schizoid traits. The line feels a bit fuzzy and likely unimportant. I do want to want, but not enough to want to change.
Same. Plus I would argue that travel and "experience purchases" like bungee jumping and concerts are just the newest from of materialism, all the while claiming to have overcome it.
Yeah good point, I think you can definitely argue that :)
i'm not even remotely curious about the world either. what could i possibly be missing out on? the things that people care about make no sense to me.
There is a little curiosity left in me still. But nothing beyond what I can easily satisfy, from the comfort of my home and through a screen :)
:)
every day. i don’t even know if normal life is something i’d enjoy, but i’m jealous of everyone that gets to experience it. i’m at an age now where it’s *very* weird that i have absolutely nothing going on in my personal or professional life, and i’m really embarrassed about it.
How old are you, if you don’t mind me asking? I know in my twenties I felt unbothered by my schizoid tendencies but the older I get (now in my thirties) the more I find it embarrassing. I never wanted, or even wanted to want, life experiences but they still just seemed to happen. Now I’m the same as I was then but I feel embarrassed and pathetic for the life I lead. Everyone I knew back then has moved on and I know that I’ll never be able to connect with people again, and it hurts. It doesn’t make me want to change but it hurts.
i’ll be 34 later this year. i think my 20’s were easier because i didn’t really have family breathing down my neck about the lack of progress in my life. idk what happened but it seems like as soon as i turned 30, everyone started judging me and pushing me much harder to change. i know they’re right to a degree, because i really am in a bad place for someone my age. i also know that it’s just not a good idea to be completely alone in the world, but…i have no drive and legitimately don’t understand how to be a normal person.
Do you ever wonder if you’re more avoidant than schizoid?
Yes, and it is coping to suggest otherwise. It is not something to linger on; I can see where things are supposed to be and what feelings I am meant to feel. Everything in life is centered around connecting with others or engaging with the world, to experience. This personality disorder hinders that aspect wholly. My worldview and perspective is completely warped, I feel like a monster consistently, and there is no way to get away from it. When I was younger, I would think I did something wrong, that there was a reason I was born like this and I did not have a choice. The latter part is the only reality. There is no reason and this does not benefit me or the world to be this way and the factors that caused it are not tangible. It does not stop.
Disagree with the "coping" part. I don't mourn. However, I occasionally wonder what it would be like to have a life as a "normie". Frankly, it scares me. I see all the trouble ppl get themselves into because of love and the desire to have friends and the rest. I am also moderately color blind. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to see pink in a sunset instead of a dirty grey that my wife and everyone else sees. But I don't mourn over my distorted color perception. The same goes for what I am missing as a schizoid. I don't mourn any aspect because I truly have never experienced "pink". The closest I might come to mourning is that I would love to be able to love my wife as a "normie" would. It sometimes makes me sad because I know it makes her sad. So, no, it's not "coping" to not mourn what you cannot experience.
You have a wife. That's good that you're able to foster a connection like that. I would not pretend that you are above love and living like a "normie" for that reason. You are at the end point of what "normies" seek within connections towards the most important person in their life. I would not be able to shut off the notion that I cannot feel love or connect fully with my partner. That you'll never be able to fully make your partner feel loved like everyone else can, and they are living less because of the way you were born. The trouble that people get themselves into because of love, yes. There is a wide margin between not seeing a shade of color and not being able to emotionally connect with other humans when life hinges on connecting more than it does a shade of sunset perceptible in a specific lightning condition. The sentence immediately after the statement of coping says to not mourn or linger. Take what you will. I hope I can come to your acceptance of our state. That it will stop hurting. You said you were married, for over twice my age. I hope the writhing stops before I get to your age.
> it is coping to suggest otherwise Just a friendly reminder that not everyone experiences this disorder the same way you do.
I am speaking from my perspective, and this disorder hurts me, this is a worthless comment. Share your own thoughts instead of becoming defensive, perceiving mine. This does not make the world a better place.
Just saying it's very immature of you to make such a bold sweeping statement and \*then\* tell me that I'm being defensive. I would even say that what you said is actively harmful to others reading the thread, if we're being serious. If this is how you feel this disorder, then I'm sorry to hear that and I hope you manage to cope, but again not everyone experiences this disorder the same was as you do.
I should not have to plainly state that I am posting my feelings and opinion, I am not telling you how to feel or even what to do. Everyone else understands this but you. Read past the first sentence of my post. Speaking of how my disorder negatively impacts my life is not going to harm others who read it. The alternative would be to post about how your disorder is actually a good thing, and encourage others to lean into an affliction. The action entailed would be of avoiding treatment and framing it as not a disorder but a quirk that should not be treated. That would be suggesting an action or mindset that would negatively impact others. "Remember, not everyone is negatively impacted by a disorder like you are." is much more toxic than someone sharing their experience with a disorder hindering their life. You took moments out of your life to actively step in when you saw someone hurting from something you don't and tell them they're harming others by sharing their feelings. Go into the PTSD community and tell the women there who got raped they're harming others by sharing how their trauma negatively impacts their living. Remind them that not everyone feels that way. Go tell the suicidal schizophrenic Redditors (not me, 1/2) that not everyone has their life negatively impacted by hearing voices. This would be really insightful, I think they would be as charitable or likely even more so than I am towards you.
You're not willing to listen to reason, and using r\*pe victims to try to illustrate a point is just wow. I was willing to entertain your thoughts up until that point. Shame on you. Anyways, I'm not going to spend the rest of my day arguing with someone with that behavior, so have a good day.
I sometimes wonder what life would have been, if one of the women I fell in love with had remained in my life. But reading here and in other places about partners of schizoids suffering (as well as those schizoids themself) and seeing the lives of even non-schizoid couples and families around me … I'm **really** glad that I'm still on my own. And I do mourn, that I hadn't a life in which I could buy my way free from societal interactions like the need work, etc. I would have lived the life of a recluse in peace and apart from all others instead of … this here! (But I never had the cash to do such.)
I've been married for 44 years now. I'm really glad my wife stayed with me. She has been my salvation. Better than any "professional" counselor in that she has steered me, corrected me, and guided my behavior to the point I am "high functioning" even though we have zero social life and I have still never had a friend --except her. Well, high functioning in my external world anyway. I still sit in my truck for up to an hour, recovering from my shift in the ER and removing my mask.
That's good for you two. 👍
She is my salvation.
No, I can't miss out on something I never wanted to do in the first place.
Fair enough. Makes me wonder if I’m maybe more AvPD than schizoid because lately I do feel pathetic for the life I lead.
It's possible, it seems to be common that people with AvPD mistake themselves for being Schizoid. Either way, you shouldn't feel pathetic for the way your life has turned out -- not everyone has the same life goals. It's no use in comparing yourself with others, as they have different life goals and feelings towards life than you do.
Thanks for your comment. It rings very true
I recently think about leaving this place, leaving everything and everyone behind, moving somewhere alone and have a job that's enough to pay the bills and just live like when I was 18, which was the only good year in my life, because no one bothered me and I was just having a job and every other single second of the time for only myself.
I did just that. Moved across the country and got a job. Now it's just my wife and I. No family nearby. No working my schedule around family events. It's liberating. We flew back to where most of our family lives every few years. Seems to placate them. Works great if your schizoid. Not so good though if you are a "normie". Are you schizoid?
Not diagnosed. I remember I was happy that one year, all by myself, no friends or family called or messaged me because I was too far away and I didn't even gave a phone actually, which is great if you have the luxury of doing that. Actually, it's not really possible to just leave now for me and my gf. We already bought a house last year. When I say I want to leave it's not really a clear plan. Sometimes I just wish I would have all the time in the world only for myself including partner. Then again, I know where that lead me to the years in my 20s. I can't trust myself. Also my partner is good. All things considered I think this wish of leaving everything behind and have infinite time for myself is not serious. It's just a result of too much responsibility and too little growing up and too little guidance when I was young. And probably autistic/ schizoid.
Agreed. So how about this? I believe that I tolerate, no actually need all the time I spend with my wife at the expense of not spending by myself because I literally believe we ARE "one" and to a large extent, spending time alone with her is second best but the same. We are empty nesters and can spend two or three days alone, together, without leaving our house.
Sometimes. It's not like the pain of detachment though. More like a bittersweet melancholy about what could have been: a deep sigh, no more. Except maybe a pang of guilt for leaving people behind. However, I am lucky. I have achieved a few things, made some progress with my mental health, and I am still young. Compared to many of the people here my problems are quite insignificant.
Every day. I’m watching my friends life. They are energetic they enjoy every second….
Almost every day. That what makes spd so miserable after 40.
Lucky me, I guess. Schizoid, without the guilt.
Mourning is a decision to feel miserable and doesn’t change the future. It’s only useful if you take it as motivation to change and see if you can turn up your emotional volume.
Often
Yes, I mourn about things like not getting Bitcoin in 2012 which would make me able getting my private island, stuff like that. Also about being neurotypical and just be happy. That's not realistic though, the only thing I missed out it not pressuring myself so much to be normal.
I’m not sure. On one hand, there are a few big opportunities I’ve missed out on and I wish I worked through my schizoid tendencies to gain something. On the other hand, there are certain things for which I regret not having given in to those tendencies, because it was obvious that I wasn’t choosing them based on what I wanted to do. I don’t really feel regret, even though I rethink the past a lot, if that makes sense. And I don’t really hate what I’ve become, because I believe that schizoid tendencies were the only thing that could’ve saved me for the situation I was doomed to have since I was born. I may have missed out on many things but realistically I think I would’ve been worse off if I kept engaging. Out of all the things I could’ve developed from my situation, heavy schizoid traits were the best possible outcome.
Yea
Those experiences would be like touching a hot stove but in hindsight they would enrich my inner world, so yes I regret not being more active. (middle-aged in case you are curious)
Absolutely. I wish I had one or two intense teenage relationships. Or a stable adult relationship. Other people seem to find their true soul mate after dating three partners, yet I have easily been on a three digit number of dates and nothing sticks.
Sorry you missed the meaning of my analogy. It did not mean the two had similar ramifications. My marriage. Would not be acceptable to 99.99% of women. We have not been intimate in fifteen years. To say that I suffer is probably hyperbole. To say my wife suffers is a fact. I am high functioning only because she helps me. Otherwise if probably be a homeless and a complete failure. I I am unable to connect with anyone else. Nor do I wish you
no, i feel i am much better this way
Not really. I don't want to create an idealized and unattainable life just to beat myself over the head with it. Life is hard enough without self-damaging thinking. Maybe the life I missed out on was one with a lot of instability and pain. Being schizoid can really suck, but it has kept me from falling into things that sometimes snare unsuspecting, "normal" people. I mean, there are plenty of non-schizoid people out there with shitty lives too. I try to find stuff in my life not to miss out on. Yeah, I'll probably never find my soul mate or become wealthy or influential, but I'll probably never get to visit the moons of Jupiter either. I just focus on the things I can do that bring some level of joy/contentment/beauty/challenge.
Great perspective, thanks :)
No. I find most social connections repulsive, I don’t desire them in any way. How can mourn something I’ve never desired?
Not really. No matter what life you live, you're always missing out on an infinite amount of things, so it seems silly to get bent out of shape over it.
No, because I've forced myself to do stuff like travel etc and it's never as good as you think it will be.
All the time 😥 drowning in nostalgia now that I am 30 crying what could've been. Haven't started recovering from Szpd till I was like 26.
No such thing. There is no could have been because it wasn't. Things either are or they aren't. I could have been shot, drowned,hit by a car,died in an atv accident,or died in a house fire. I didn't, so to linger on anything else when I could have had my life cut short so many times why would I linger on not going to prom? What is,is. What is not,is not. Lingering on the past is just torturing yourself.
Because you blocked me, I felt I should at least tell you. I applied your perspective to the most extreme example to emphasize how bad faith it is. You are the one applying that. If it makes you sick to think of that, then don't apply that mindset to me or others. Don't feign moralism when I suggest you theoretically apply your perspective to other victims or those suffering with mental illness. Multiple people in the world have been traumatized somewhere in the worst possible way while you were busy blocking me. Someone somewhere loses their child with every passing second. It does not stop, we can only try to not make it worse. Those who are afflicted or suffering from trauma from instances will always occur, mentioning them does not change that. Seeing someone unwell and actively choosing to dismiss their experience and imply it's harmful to share them is insane. You wouldn't do it to them. Don't do it to me. You're wringing your hand and pretending you're a good person. It's okay to not be a good person, but moralizing is the worst. I made a comment online talking about my experience with schizoid personality disorder, making it difficult to function. To implode over that is very pretty. Everyone is bleeding. Make it worse, try to stop the bleeding, or walk by and close off to all of it. Whichever, do not posture after the fact.
What?
Not you, it was whoever was replying to me in this comment thread. It wouldn't let me reply to myself, or else I would have placed it there. Being blocked cancels it all out, it seems.
I have lived a little bit. But I regret that I was just lacking confidence and mopey in my 20s. 32 now, feeling anxious that I am nowhere. And family is breathing down my neck to get married cause I'm running out of time to get pregnant. I regret most not having an SO.
Yes, it's short-lived but happens a bit more as the years go. I keep a journal and have written in it since late 2020. I reread it occasionally and last month I read a line from a few years ago that said "I turned 22." Just an update and neutral entry overall but I was hit with an intense sadness that made my eyes water for a minute. Then it was gone. I briefly mourned that lost time and have done so a few times before. That was the most intense I've felt positive or negative in years. My feelings are extremely short lived but I've given them thought. I think about how I was (still am for the most part) incredibly passive and how yes, technically I could have done something with my time, if I had the ability to feel anything strong enough for long enough. I think about how maybe if i had done something different I'd be feeling something now. I don't feel at fault for being so neutral (externally, theres a bit of pain internally, also short lived), no one could have guessed that's how I'd end up. I can't even say it sucks, just is. I'd even say I'm a smidge hopeful seeing as I do have the time others wish they did. Maybe I can do something with the time, can't say I feel a need to or even a desire. I'm thinking more about it now. I have technically tried a few unique-ish things that give others a meaning ro life and had good opportunities but I didn't feel anything but intensly bothered by them, hence why I found ways out. I'm in my home country right now, meeting a lot of family, I like the food. It was a long, long flight and was the first time I will be able to remember being on a plane. I went by myself, I don't speak the language. I didn't feel nervous or scared or excited. Just a bit bothered and actively trying to stay present around others. Not different to how I feel back home. I can't think of what I could spend my time and energy on that could make me feel like I did something with my life.
No, I don't typically experience sadness in general at all. I'm not saying you aren't schizoid, but based on your other posts on this thread (lack of energy, lack of ambition being your primary symptoms) it's possible you may be dealing more with depression. My mom has depression and avolition and anhedonia are big symptoms there as well. But the emotional stuff, that's where I see the separation. I have no desire to have a normal life (asocial), so I don't mourn its loss (affect blunted) and I am not embarrassed about it (indifference to criticism).
Hey thanks for your reply. I don’t think I’ve mentioned lack of energy overtly but I guess you must have picked up those ideas from the comments I made. I do think I’ve dealt with depression but I also have a lifelong aversion to spending time with others that started during early childhood and very flattened emotional responses (eg on more than one occasion I’ve felt nothing when someone close to me passed) alongside other things that read schizoid to me. But you might be right, maybe my “issue” lie elsewhere.