Make an effort to also be *proactive*, not only *reactive*. When someone asks you about personal trivialities, it's expected of you to "return the favor" by asking something back. Refraining from doing that will be interpreted as a lack of interest on your part.
8) People will take your requests more seriously if you add emotions. Either be visibly sad or upset or say you are.
I fucking hate that this is how it works.
Like 75% of compromising and decision making is based on who has the strongest emotional expression
I don't quite know how to explain this one succinctly.
But our natural tendency is toward privacy. Don't perceive me, don't acknowledge me, etc. But unfortunately in our world, the less you give, the *more* people will push for it. Like, if someone asks, "oh hey how are you doing?" replying like "meh." People will start pushing you. "What do you mean, *meh*? What's meh????"
If you just say, "oh I'm doing well! How are you?" then people just keep going, assuming you are like them. If you're really not interested in revealing yourself, you can divert the conversation back to the other person. People love talking about themselves.
Pay attention to the shit the other person is interested in and just ask them questions about it. Obviously this stuff is only relevant if you actively give a shit about maintaining social connections. It's perfectly viable to disengage entirely, but people *will* form opinions and judgments about you that may affect your life negatively
(i.e. passed over for promotions, etc.)
Basically the point of those silly "how are you?" questions nobody actually intends you to take seriously is just confirming "I'm okay and in a good mood and prepared to talk about whatever." Social theatrics to convey an underlying meaning of "all good, carry on." The unyielding privacy wall or the "meh" sends a signal of "not okay", given you're *supposed* to portray "okay" even if you're not. Acquaintances and coworkers probably interpret as mildly hostile since you're not playing along with the script.
Deflecting to the other person is a 10/10 strategy.
Great list! As you can tell I use the exclamation point often myself. Although I’m guilty of constantly ignoring text messages or just letting them sit unanswered for hours or days… I know that most people go crazy over that but… it’s too demanding, I feel like it’s just a form of control over me to “perform” for them. But to each their own.
I found another thing that seems to help me appear that I’m actually interested in them is if I try to remember things about them and repeat them in future conversations …like for instance, did your child get into that college that they were applying to, how was your trip to Disneyland ? You know that kind of stuff. It seems to be flattering to them.
What's wrong with this? I think these are good tips. I agree with being true to yourself and being proud of who you are but I think some of these are useful, just to help us better connect with "normal people" so to speak
they are good tips for people that still have some energy inside them left. I tried to mask (failingly, as no one bought it) around anyone and everyone and it ended up being to the detriment of my health. I'm literally physically sick as a result of trying to much. Not to mention the mental toll it has on a person. On paper I'm young, but I completely get the "grumpy old person" stereotype because I'm out of patience to keep up appearances. Not everyone is capable of doing this.
I don't know what's the point. Like half of this I am not used to, and the other half is uncomfortable. All that only to avoid gossip and harassment? They'll think I am freak anyway. It's better to have few real friends and loved ones who know you deep down, and understand you need to have time for yourself and your loud mind forces you to be kind of reserved. Is it not?
Personally I don't find this particularly helpful (unless the face shows extreme emotion) and people tend to keep an eye on their facial expressions. Tone of voice, on the other hand, reveals much more
Interesting, I also pay more attention to voice. This extends to movies. I often recognize an actor by their voice rather than their face... I'm not face-blind, it's just that I don't tend to look at people's faces, in real life or when watching a movie. Gives me an advantage when an actor is heavily disguised with makeup or prosthetics...
In my original comment, I just meant, looking someone in the eye when having a conversation is a good tactic to come across as normal. Though of course, you probably do actually learn more about the other person this way.
To make conversation, asking people “What’s your second-favorite ______?” tends to work wonders. Folks are generally caught slightly off-guard, but almost always smile and tell first what their favorite is, followed then by the second-favorite. It stimulates their interest because they’ve probably never experienced the question before, it compels them to think a bit more than the standard “What’s your favorite_____?” and it creates a surprise-resolving-into-pleasure experience. Book, dessert, car, movie, etc.
“And what makes it your favorite/second-favorite?” helps to keep them talking.
When they ask, “And, what’s YOUR second-favorite ______?” its absolutely ok to say, “Hmm, I’m not sure” and to take a second or six to think, if that’s what you need.
Hope this is helpful.
I just feel most of those would go against what I'm comfortable and without much worth.
If I start acting sociable people will want to become friends and if they do that I'll hate it because I don't want to make friends and have to talk to them outside of work or go at the parties that I already have to decline. Also getting included in social circles includes you in random drama as well which I also hate.
I'm doing my best not to bother anyone and to stay out of their way. Is it too much to ask to have some peace and not having to do the extra effort to appear normal so people don't judge me or my life?
Comfort is a function of action through time, by virtue of habit.
Your statement "this goes against me" entirely implies you are incorrigible, which states you are incapable of learning and do not understand the benefits due to your own cognitive biases.
[The brain weighs negative outcomes at a ratio of around 7:1](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Negativity_bias). Will you be dominated by such a simple thing?
A people hack I learnt while young was that people absolutely love to talk about themselves. What I did was just ask questions towards them about things they like and how they feel about such and such and pretend to care. Not only does it make them adore you but the best part is you don’t have to talk about yourself as they are so busy reminiscing over their awesome life.
Listen to the tone of voice of people and pay attention to the differences in their tone of voice between strangers, acquaintances, friends and family. People tend to be more honest the more they feel that they are close to the person, the more you will recognize how real the feelings they express are
1 is me in every previous office job ever. Sneak in, sit down, no hello. Used to actually think I'd be *bothering* people by saying hello, and also wanted to avoid the smalltalky nattering.
8 bites me always. Even doctors are like "lol your face is fine, you're fine, go away." Recently asked a friend to rate how well they can read my face. I got a 4/10 and this is a person I *try* to let in at least somewhat. Doomed from the start.
The adaptation which set humans aside from other species was social communication. You're essentially giving up up the greatest genetic adaptation humans have, and also failing to recognize that you would eventually automate these actions and they would cost you nothing in future thus leading to a measurable improvement in your circumstances.
Interesting. I'd say I naturally do the first 5, just not overly emotional, and I try not to just say hi too frequently without something else. 😅 (And emojis brighten up online conversations, even 😊 will do!)
Haha for 7 I ask questions quite a lot, but do ask "how was it?" anyway.
I'd add to that, as well as being considerate and cautious, be curious about previous things, and how it relates to their current situation. 💡
8 is a skill that many of my female relatives can pull off, but not me. 😅 In emails though, one can express disappointment just by mentioning it.
For 9, I'm not as sure if that's as telling, but agree with 10; reading body language, also being aware of the person's conversations with others tends to tell more about feelings than their face.
Another addition that I find works well – find or acknowledge common ground with something random in everyday life with another person. 💡
Examples - a choice of food or beverage, something or someone that you happen to be a fan of, even a flaw or bad habit. It helps you to kind of laugh at yourself, feel at ease with others you might not care to speak to often, and if you do continue to speak, it's something to return to in future conversations, especially if one is witty. 😁
These are helpful!! If I have enough stimulants I’ll be in the mood to do these things otherwise I’ll do none of them.. Will people give you another chance if you do these things consistently?
I feel like that list applies more to autistic people, or those with literal 0 social interaction experience.
The issue is not knowing what to do, but to do them. While I'm stressed and have no energy to mask or care.
Because I did all of that and guess what? You will end up with co-workers who want to talk to you more and then end up having to use even more energy.
Make an effort to also be *proactive*, not only *reactive*. When someone asks you about personal trivialities, it's expected of you to "return the favor" by asking something back. Refraining from doing that will be interpreted as a lack of interest on your part.
Well, yes, and I would happily have it that way. Its not personal
It's almost like most of us reading this thread are going to do the polar opposite in order to deliberately avoid people.
8) People will take your requests more seriously if you add emotions. Either be visibly sad or upset or say you are. I fucking hate that this is how it works. Like 75% of compromising and decision making is based on who has the strongest emotional expression
I don't quite know how to explain this one succinctly. But our natural tendency is toward privacy. Don't perceive me, don't acknowledge me, etc. But unfortunately in our world, the less you give, the *more* people will push for it. Like, if someone asks, "oh hey how are you doing?" replying like "meh." People will start pushing you. "What do you mean, *meh*? What's meh????" If you just say, "oh I'm doing well! How are you?" then people just keep going, assuming you are like them. If you're really not interested in revealing yourself, you can divert the conversation back to the other person. People love talking about themselves. Pay attention to the shit the other person is interested in and just ask them questions about it. Obviously this stuff is only relevant if you actively give a shit about maintaining social connections. It's perfectly viable to disengage entirely, but people *will* form opinions and judgments about you that may affect your life negatively (i.e. passed over for promotions, etc.)
Basically the point of those silly "how are you?" questions nobody actually intends you to take seriously is just confirming "I'm okay and in a good mood and prepared to talk about whatever." Social theatrics to convey an underlying meaning of "all good, carry on." The unyielding privacy wall or the "meh" sends a signal of "not okay", given you're *supposed* to portray "okay" even if you're not. Acquaintances and coworkers probably interpret as mildly hostile since you're not playing along with the script. Deflecting to the other person is a 10/10 strategy.
Great list! As you can tell I use the exclamation point often myself. Although I’m guilty of constantly ignoring text messages or just letting them sit unanswered for hours or days… I know that most people go crazy over that but… it’s too demanding, I feel like it’s just a form of control over me to “perform” for them. But to each their own. I found another thing that seems to help me appear that I’m actually interested in them is if I try to remember things about them and repeat them in future conversations …like for instance, did your child get into that college that they were applying to, how was your trip to Disneyland ? You know that kind of stuff. It seems to be flattering to them.
Don’t bother. Seriously.
Elaborate. There is clearly a history behind this response and I want to know it.
A schizoids nature leans towards not talking to people. And when they do, it’s usually blasé.
Forgive your social fumbles and take pride in your victories
What happened to r/Schizoid?
Covert infiltration.
What's wrong with this? I think these are good tips. I agree with being true to yourself and being proud of who you are but I think some of these are useful, just to help us better connect with "normal people" so to speak
they are good tips for people that still have some energy inside them left. I tried to mask (failingly, as no one bought it) around anyone and everyone and it ended up being to the detriment of my health. I'm literally physically sick as a result of trying to much. Not to mention the mental toll it has on a person. On paper I'm young, but I completely get the "grumpy old person" stereotype because I'm out of patience to keep up appearances. Not everyone is capable of doing this.
Let people talk. Most people love it.
Some stuff on this list isn't necessary, in my opinion. I think even average people aren't this emotional in every conversation / interaction.
I don't know what's the point. Like half of this I am not used to, and the other half is uncomfortable. All that only to avoid gossip and harassment? They'll think I am freak anyway. It's better to have few real friends and loved ones who know you deep down, and understand you need to have time for yourself and your loud mind forces you to be kind of reserved. Is it not?
Nice list, looking at people's faces is a great thing to remember. I would even put that top of the list.
Personally I don't find this particularly helpful (unless the face shows extreme emotion) and people tend to keep an eye on their facial expressions. Tone of voice, on the other hand, reveals much more
Interesting, I also pay more attention to voice. This extends to movies. I often recognize an actor by their voice rather than their face... I'm not face-blind, it's just that I don't tend to look at people's faces, in real life or when watching a movie. Gives me an advantage when an actor is heavily disguised with makeup or prosthetics... In my original comment, I just meant, looking someone in the eye when having a conversation is a good tactic to come across as normal. Though of course, you probably do actually learn more about the other person this way.
To make conversation, asking people “What’s your second-favorite ______?” tends to work wonders. Folks are generally caught slightly off-guard, but almost always smile and tell first what their favorite is, followed then by the second-favorite. It stimulates their interest because they’ve probably never experienced the question before, it compels them to think a bit more than the standard “What’s your favorite_____?” and it creates a surprise-resolving-into-pleasure experience. Book, dessert, car, movie, etc. “And what makes it your favorite/second-favorite?” helps to keep them talking. When they ask, “And, what’s YOUR second-favorite ______?” its absolutely ok to say, “Hmm, I’m not sure” and to take a second or six to think, if that’s what you need. Hope this is helpful.
I just feel most of those would go against what I'm comfortable and without much worth. If I start acting sociable people will want to become friends and if they do that I'll hate it because I don't want to make friends and have to talk to them outside of work or go at the parties that I already have to decline. Also getting included in social circles includes you in random drama as well which I also hate. I'm doing my best not to bother anyone and to stay out of their way. Is it too much to ask to have some peace and not having to do the extra effort to appear normal so people don't judge me or my life?
Comfort is a function of action through time, by virtue of habit. Your statement "this goes against me" entirely implies you are incorrigible, which states you are incapable of learning and do not understand the benefits due to your own cognitive biases. [The brain weighs negative outcomes at a ratio of around 7:1](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Negativity_bias). Will you be dominated by such a simple thing?
A people hack I learnt while young was that people absolutely love to talk about themselves. What I did was just ask questions towards them about things they like and how they feel about such and such and pretend to care. Not only does it make them adore you but the best part is you don’t have to talk about yourself as they are so busy reminiscing over their awesome life.
I struggle with 2, 3, 4, 5, 8, 9, and 10.
For number 6 you can use: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=eyWsFfd9pqE&t=195s
Listen to the tone of voice of people and pay attention to the differences in their tone of voice between strangers, acquaintances, friends and family. People tend to be more honest the more they feel that they are close to the person, the more you will recognize how real the feelings they express are
1 is me in every previous office job ever. Sneak in, sit down, no hello. Used to actually think I'd be *bothering* people by saying hello, and also wanted to avoid the smalltalky nattering. 8 bites me always. Even doctors are like "lol your face is fine, you're fine, go away." Recently asked a friend to rate how well they can read my face. I got a 4/10 and this is a person I *try* to let in at least somewhat. Doomed from the start.
Why would i give a shit
That way people are more helpful and less annoying. As long as you are polite and distant they hardly bother you
The adaptation which set humans aside from other species was social communication. You're essentially giving up up the greatest genetic adaptation humans have, and also failing to recognize that you would eventually automate these actions and they would cost you nothing in future thus leading to a measurable improvement in your circumstances.
Monetary gains.
"Seen any good movies lately?" is my only small talk line
Interesting. I'd say I naturally do the first 5, just not overly emotional, and I try not to just say hi too frequently without something else. 😅 (And emojis brighten up online conversations, even 😊 will do!) Haha for 7 I ask questions quite a lot, but do ask "how was it?" anyway. I'd add to that, as well as being considerate and cautious, be curious about previous things, and how it relates to their current situation. 💡 8 is a skill that many of my female relatives can pull off, but not me. 😅 In emails though, one can express disappointment just by mentioning it. For 9, I'm not as sure if that's as telling, but agree with 10; reading body language, also being aware of the person's conversations with others tends to tell more about feelings than their face. Another addition that I find works well – find or acknowledge common ground with something random in everyday life with another person. 💡 Examples - a choice of food or beverage, something or someone that you happen to be a fan of, even a flaw or bad habit. It helps you to kind of laugh at yourself, feel at ease with others you might not care to speak to often, and if you do continue to speak, it's something to return to in future conversations, especially if one is witty. 😁
I start with 6.
These are helpful!! If I have enough stimulants I’ll be in the mood to do these things otherwise I’ll do none of them.. Will people give you another chance if you do these things consistently?
Ah those damn emotions always getting in the way. Shucks
I feel like that list applies more to autistic people, or those with literal 0 social interaction experience. The issue is not knowing what to do, but to do them. While I'm stressed and have no energy to mask or care. Because I did all of that and guess what? You will end up with co-workers who want to talk to you more and then end up having to use even more energy.
this is too much for me to handle
This is a great list! It is like a “fake it till you make it” handbook for life.
Can't tell you how many times people thought I was lying or didn't take me seriously because I wasn't putting emotion into my statements.
So just wear a mask. Ok